Chapter Text
It's high noon.
A stock whipcrack sound effect and a twangy guitar riff punctuated the canned voice clip. An animation of a branding iron searing the words "Running With The Bull" onto the screen heralded the appearance of a stout, middle-aged man dressed in a white suit and a cowboy hat. He twiddled a fat cigar in his left hand and finger-gunned the camera with his right.
"Howdy, investors! I'm Boston Oxford and you're Running With The Bull. Today, we're gonna skip the preamble and head straight to the rodeo. There's some real big news comin' down the trail about Blue Screens, Inc. and it involves A.I. so you're gonna wanna hear this. We're gonna have someone come chat about that at the bottom of the hour so grip yer saddles tight ‘less y'all wanna be..."
SEEIN' RED!
The screen flashed red while an ominous voice recited the line, accompanied by canned buzzer sound effects.
"Y'all know The Bull hates seein' red and hates it even more when you fine investors also see red. Well, I'm here to keep you in the green!" He flashed a wad of Benjamins to the tune of a cash register sound effect. "Some other folk’ll tell ya to ‘play it safe’ and ‘invest conservatively’, but that’s not how we roll ‘round these parts. We like to MAKE money. So on that note, let's get right to the stock tips. Been hearin' it through the grapevine that Global Studios is-"
The TV shut off.
---
July 9th, 12:02 PM
Wright Anything Agency
"Hey, Nick! I was watching that!" pouted Maya.
"It's a little hard to focus on how to plead a client down from vehicular manslaughter to reckless driving with Boss Hogg yelling in my ear."
Phoenix, still dressed in pajamas, finished off his third cup of coffee of the day. He got up to get his fourth and almost tripped over an inflatable banana prop. He grumbled and mentally noted to remind Trucy to pick up after herself.
"You know, Nick, you really should think about investing. You don't want to be flat broke when you retire in five years," said Maya.
"Five years because I'll be so rich and successful by then that I won't have to work anymore?" He deflected the obvious “old man” joke and emptied the pot into his plain white mug.
Should I make another pot? …Nah, don’t wanna start spouting obtuse coffee metaphors.
Phoenix sat back down on the sofa and agonized some more over whether he would be able to convince the judge tomorrow that his client was simply trying to merge into the exit lane. "And for your information, I have a financial plan,” he informed Maya.
Maya, still sitting on the floor, spun around to face Phoenix using her rear end as a pivot. "Oh yeah? Like what?" she inquired coyly. The smooth effortlessness of the motion made him wonder if that was some sort of ascetic technique.
"Since when did you become so interested in financials?" asked Phoenix with an elevated eyebrow.
"Um...ever since I started watching The Bull?" She put her finger to her chin and looked to the side.
"Figures." Phoenix set his mug down and picked up the newspaper. "You know, maybe you should listen to someone more credible." He pointed to the image of a stately gentleman wearing a dark suit in the ad section of the paper. The man wore a full beard and his hair was slightly shaggy without seeming unkempt; it gave him a "rugged" or "grizzled" flair. The words "Bruno Griswold, Griswold Financial Consulting" hung next to him in a custom professional font.
"Booo-ring," Maya said with an exaggerated yawning gesture.
"I'll take 'boring' over Mr. Eleven-Herbs-and-Spices there," Phoenix said while nodding towards the TV. He flipped through his case files and only stopped when he noticed that Maya still looked a bit miffed. He sighed and wondered how the current Master of Kurain could still be such a child at times.
"Look, you can put on a movie. Your pick."
"Anything?" Maya's eyes lit up.
"Er, yeah, as long as it doesn't involve shady hucksters offering bad life advice."
"I know what we can watch!” Maya said excitedly while running to the shelf. She ran her finger across the DVD case spines until she found the one she was looking for and pulled it out. On the cover was a beefy action hero leaping away from an explosion while dual-wielding submachine guns.
"Executive Order?" said Phoenix with a raised eyebrow. "That was kind of a bomb, wasn't it?"
Maya scoffed. "You can't just go by reviews for everything. Sometimes it's good to shut your brain off and enjoy some kabooms. It's great stress relief! And you get all crabby when you’re stressed."
Phoenix couldn't deny that he was feeling pretty stressed as of late. Visions of the judge slamming down a guilty verdict haunted him over the past week. "Alright, put it on. It's been a while since I've seen an action flick. I’ll get some popcorn going," he said while getting up to walk to the kitchen. Maya turned the TV back on and went to put the disc in, but stopped short when she saw what was on screen.
“-king news. Boston Oxford, day trader and financial adviser known as ‘The Bull’, has just been arrested, charges pending. He was in the middle of airing his popular ‘Running With The Bull’ segment when deputies arrived on location and took him into custody-”
“What the-NIIIICK! They arrested The Bull!” Maya yelled at the top of her lungs, drowning out the news anchor.
“I have ears, Maya. I heard.” Phoenix didn’t bother to sound shocked, as, internally, he was relieved that the obnoxious blowhard wouldn’t be able to poison young and impressionable minds like Maya’s anymore. He threw a bag of popcorn into the microwave and then looked through the fridge and cabinets. “We might be out of butter. Also, this turkey sandwich has been in here forever. Are you gonna eat it?”
"It’s not mine. I don’t know where it came from. Maybe you can use it to bribe the judge for a 'not guilty',” said Maya jokingly. “Oh, and I asked Athena to pick up some more butter." On cue, the front door swung open.
“Speak of the yellow devil,” said Phoenix, craning his neck to see the yellow-clad young woman carrying bags full of groceries in.
“‘Yellow devil’? Hey, Boss! Come on!” Athena huffed as she set down the heavy bags. Phoenix snickered in response.
“You are pretty yellow, Athena,” said Maya.
“Ok, so maybe I am…and I am a devil in the courtroom. Maybe it’s not such a bad-” Athena cut herself off as she got a glimpse of the TV. “Hey, isn’t that the guy you’re always watching lately? Is he getting arrested?”
“Yeah…” said Maya dejectedly. “Now how am I supposed to know how to invest my money?”
What money? Phoenix was severely tempted to vocalize. “Again, I have someone I can recommend,” he said instead.
“Mr. Oxford, how do you respond to your arrest?” said one reporter among many swarming around the police cruiser that The Bull was being placed into. The hefty man turned his thick neck to the reporter and gave an answer brimming with fiery confidence.
“This here’s all a big misunderstandin’ and it’ll get cleared up in court lickety-split. I’ll be back on Channel 7 afore the cock crows. Y’all just watch!”
“How can you be so sure of that?” asked the reporter.
“Because Mr. Phoenix Wright is gonna represent me.” He looked directly at the camera. “Ya hear me, ya horny toad? I ain’t acceptin’ anyone but the best, so get yer blue butt down here!”
The cruiser door closed and the vehicle slowly made its way through the crowd, en route to the detention center.
“‘Horny toad?’ Yeah, that’ll make me want to take your case.” Phoenix rolled his eyes.
Maya looked at him. “You are pretty hor-”
“Boss!” shouted Athena. “You gotta take his case! Pronto! That guy’s loaded! We’ll be swimming in cash after winning! Ooo, speaking of swimming, we could get a pool for the office! And professional towel service!”
Mucho dinero! said Widget in his tinny synthesized voice.
Phoenix sighed. “Ignoring the fact that it would violate all sorts of codes putting a pool in here, I’m currently up to my ears in other cases. I can’t just set them aside.”
“Yeah, it’s been pretty rough ever since Apollo left,” said Athena, fiddling with her earring. “I feel bad for that guy, though. He specifically asked for you.”
“Well, he’ll have to settle for someone else. I gave my word to my clients that I’d commit to their cases and I intend to see them through.”
Athena could hear the sincerity in his voice, but even if she wasn’t able to, she had worked with him long enough by now to know. Still, she lamented that they’d be missing out on a payday.
“Why don’t you take his case, Athena?” Maya suggested.
“Huh? Me?” she replied, palms on the sides of her face.
“That’s not a bad idea,” said Phoenix. “Didn’t you just wrap up that shoplifting case? You’re free now, right?”
“Well, yeah, but…that’s a bit out of my league, don’t you think? I don’t know a thing about finance law.”
“They said his charges are pending. We don’t know what he’s going to be accused of. Knowing our luck, it’s probably going to be murder. And we’re all quite familiar with that,” said Phoenix with a laugh. “Besides, it’ll be good to challenge yourself. I think you should start leading some more of your own cases.”
“R-Really?” Athena felt a swell of pride and stroked her ponytail to prevent herself from crying from joy. “Then I’ll do it!” she said, punching her palm. “But still, it seems like he wants you personally. I don’t know if he’ll accept me.”
“If he doesn’t accept someone I mentored, someone who has led two cases of her own so far and won them, might I add, then I’d say he doesn’t have much faith in my skills after all.”
Phoenix placed a hand on Athena’s shoulder. This time, she couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.
---
July 9th, 2:20 PM
Detention Center - Visitor’s Room
"Now hold yer horses, missy. I was under the impression that I was gettin' the boy in blue himself."
"He's currently busy with other cases, but I'll be more than happy to represent you. If you'll sign this, then we can get rolling." Athena produced a letter of request and slipped it under the glass separating suspects and visitors. The suspect in question hesitated to sign it and looked the young lawyer up and down, running his fingers under his chin.
"I wanna talk to the lawyer, not his paralegal. So either you make with Cactus Head or our business is concluded." Oxford placed a meaty finger on the letter and pushed it back to her, tugging his bolo tie assertively.
"Wha-I'll have you know I'm a fully qualified lawyer, not a paralegal!" Athena retorted. Widget glowed a bright red. "So, sir, unless you want to end up in the hoosegow, I suggest you sign!" She pushed the letter right back to him.
"Girlie, you ain't even old enough to appreciate a fine Kentucky aged bourbon," he said while pushing the letter back again. "Now, don't get me wrong. I ain't some backwards-thinkin' bumpkin. But I'm facin' off with Santy Anny's entire cavalry here. They been tryna nail me with the kit AND the kaboodle for years! A man's a little too smart and gets a little too successful and suddenly it's 'stock manipulation' and 'embezzlement' and all sortsa other bulldookie. This country's run by the rich elites, I tell ya! How's the little guy supposed to get ahead?"
The junior lawyer restrained herself upon hearing the "little guy" part. If she let slip a quip or refutation, then she'd sink her chances with this potential client. “My name’s Athena,” she said sternly.
"My apologies. Don’t mean to be rude. But ya see where I'm comin' from, right? I can't afford to settle for anything less'n the best. If'n y'all can convince the Blue Bomber to bump me up the list, I'll pony up a nice fat bonus for y'all fine folks." He leaned in slightly and tipped his head down a degree in a persuasive manner. "I'm offerin' a mighty fine deal here. Ya oughta consider it."
Athena wasn't sure how to respond to this. Should she slam her hands down and curse him out for trying to pay his way up the line? Should she say nothing and leave? She needed to say something soon or else she risked giving off the impression that she was seriously considering it.
"Sorry, Mr. Oxford, but I'm going to stick to my guns. I know I might be a greenhorn, but this isn't my first rodeo. I've helped lasso many a crook at Mr. Wright’s ranch, both as co-counsel AND lead counsel. If you still don't like that, then I can turn tail and head off into the sunset. You got the reins, Mr. Oxford, now where are you gonna ride this bronco?"
She didn't intend to go overboard with the country affectations while trying to take a page out of Simon’s playbook, but perhaps she ended up taking a whole chapter instead. She thought for sure he would see through her act and tell her to go back to the stable, but instead he grinned widely and guffawed.
"Well, boil my back fat and call me Sallie Mae. Yer a straight shooter, after all." He doffed his ten-gallon. "I formally request your services as my lawyer, Ms. Athena...er...?"
"Psyche! I mean Cykes!" It was all she could do to sputter out her own last name, as she was astonished at his response. He guffawed again and eagerly signed the request. Athena gathered it, gave it a once-over, and stowed it away.
"Now I expect a perfect defense from you. I'm trusting you with my livelihood", said Oxford.
"Yes! Of course! It will be muy perfecto! " Athena said, still trying to contain her relief and excitement. Oxford stared at her for a moment, as if analyzing her demeanor. Just as the anxiety started to set in for Athena, the man slapped his knee and gave one last hearty laugh.
"'Muy perfecto!' Now that's what I likes ta hear!"
Athena exhaled as the pressure fully lifted and then reminded herself that she needed to work on her poker face. You’re representing the W.A.A. You can’t break down before even knowing what your client’s been charged with. "So, Mr. Oxford..." she said, clasping her hands. "Let's talk turkey. What charges are you facing? Judging from your earlier…remarks, they must be pretty serious.”
The Bull grumbled and ran his palm down his face before answering. “Beats me. They ain’t filed no charges yet or nothin’. This here’s unlawful detention, I tell ya hwat!”
He’s gotta have some idea, especially with how he was going on earlier, she thought. “Tell me about your actions leading up to your arrest. Were you doing anything that could be seen as suspicious or criminal in nature?”
“Er, well,” said Oxford hesitantly. He tugged his collar and looked side-to-side. “N-Nothin’ I can think of in particular...”
“Mr. Oxford, I can’t help you unless I have the whole story. Tell me everything and leave nothing out. I can’t build a solid case otherwise.” Athena spoke assertively and was proud of herself when she saw The Bull relent. He lifted his hat and wiped the sweat from his ruddy brow.
“Fine, I getcha. It goes like this, see: You know how Global Studios is shootin’ a new picture?”
“No, I didn’t know that,” said Athena. “Is it a sequel to Executive Order? I actually really liked that one, despite all the bad reviews.”
Oxford raised his hands and waved them, palms forward. “Erm, might be somethin’ along those lines. I ain’t much fer movies. Prefer radio dramas.”
He’s being cagey. Is he actually a movie fan? Strange thing to lie about. “Okay, and how does that factor in?”
“Well now, this is a mite silly,” said Oxford, rubbing his forehead again. “I went on the premises to retrieve somethin, but because it was ‘after hours’, apparently that makes me the bad guy.” He air-quoted the “after hours”.
Athena sighed. So basically, he was trespassing and possibly committed theft. “How ‘after hours’ are we talking here?”
“Ahh…little after midnight last night?”
“Ooo-kay, that’s pretty ‘after hours’. What was it that you were trying to retrieve?”
“Just some…personal knicknacks.”
Still being vague. I’m hearing a lot of nervousness and anxiety. “Mr. Oxford, please-”
The door to the visitor's room swung open, interrupting the discussion. A man wearing a faded poncho, a pair of well-worn leather boots, and a cowboy hat with a fraying brim strode into the room. He established his presence with a swig from his hip flask.
Is there some sort of cowboy convention in town? We ARE still in L.A., right? Athena thought to herself.
Talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly, said Widget.
“I sure hope that funny thingamajig of yours doesn’t think I’m ‘the ugly’,” said the man as he whipped out a knife and used it to graze his chin. Although he had the same sort of Western trappings as Oxford, this guy was more “cool desperado” than “boisterous antebellum tycoon”. “Don’t tell me that prospector kid got lost. Guess I’m gonna be the Lone Ranger here,” he muttered while glancing back.
“And you are…?” asked Athena.
“Just a dry old tumbleweed that goes wherever the wind takes me. But I do happen to be the cowpoke that wrangled this here toro. ” He gestured to The Bull.
He must be the detective in charge of the case…I guess. Athena wasn’t convinced that this wasn’t some cosplayer who randomly wandered into the department, though to be fair, the same could be said of a prosecutor straight from the Edo period.
“Well, mister, I like yer style, and in a way, that makes me all the more peeved at this sitch-e-ayshun. This is all a big misunderstandin’, and if’n there be anythin’ I can offer to clear up this mess, just say the word.” Oxford leaned in, spoke low, and raised his thumb, index, and middle finger in the universal sign for “money”.
This prompted an aloof chuckle from the detective. He then looked directly at Oxford and pointed at him with deadly seriousness. “Are you attempting to bribe an officer of the law? I oughta tie you to a post and leave you for the vultures.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, who said anythin’ ‘bout a bribe? I wants to work with y’all fine civil servants. The sooner we get this wagon righted and back on the trail, the sooner we can all get back to more important things.”
“Heh…you fancy yourself a smooth talker, El Toro. No amount of dirty gold from a robber baron like yourself can wash away this crime.”
“Wha-so I went onto a movie set after hours! What’s the big deal? Ain’t y’all takin’ this a mite serious?”
Athena buried her face into her palm. Great. He just admitted to it to a detective. Well, the Boss said I should challenge myself, I suppose.
The detective stared down Oxford like a veteran card sharp looking for a tell. When he saw the investor shift his eyes and meekly tug his bolo tie, the detective played his ace-in-the-hole.
“Boston Oxford, you are hereby charged with murder in the first degree.”