Archive of Our Own ^beta

All I wanted…

I touch your skin. I memorize the way it gives ever so slightly against the pads of my fingertips. It’s so pale—as I get closer I can see pale purple veins running just under the surface. Your eyelashes are so much denser than I had ever realized, blue grey like frost in the predawn hours of the day. I can’t help but brush over them, amazed by their softness. (Everything about you once seemed so hard, immovable… unreachable… a marble statue enshrined behind a velvet rope.) What a revelation I have made! I revel in the discovery for a moment, even now I am discovering new things about you.

I can’t bring myself to taste your lips just yet, though they have consumed my idle thought and dreams for years now. They are at rest now, bowing slightly apart. I curve the dip of your upper lip before moving to trace along the crest of your lower lip (and they feel better than I could ever have imagined!) They are full and lush and ripe. I wonder… Did you ever realize what those lips did to me? How a simple smile could undo me? How as I drifted to sleep, I would mentally replay the way your canine would indent your lower lip as your concentration was focused on some map or missive. How they rounded and softened as you would say my name… I have catalogued every iteration, every subtle shift in their movements, depending on your mood. (Did anyone ever tell you that you have a small dimple that appeared in your left cheek when you laughed?)

But above all else, it’s your eyes that captivates me. They burned so bright, as though they might bore right through me. You were always so reserved, so muted, I’m not sure I ever saw such a fire in your eyes. It was so beautiful. A final burst of life and light before the end.

All of that passion had drained out by now, and your eyes are glassy and unfocused, perfect marbles…. An empty house…

But, oh but how you shined for me!

And in those final moments… I finally possessed you, Touya. It was my name you uttered, even as the final breath escaped from those perfect lips. I filled your mind and your heart– I was the last face you saw… even as your chest stuttered and your grasp on my neck slackened.

Why couldn’t you love me back?

All I ever wanted was you. What a foolish pipe dream. It was never going to end in any other way, because you were never going to love me, and I was never going to be able to let you go. I wanted– needed!-- to feel you surrender yourself to me. To hold you and know that you were mine, that you were finally mine.

And now you are. You never gave me your love Touya. But your hate? That, you gave to me in abundance in those last moments. And I drank it in as though you had handed me the finest wine, even as your blood ran over my hand in thick rivulets. I held you as your muscles spasmed and your voice called out one last time. You died with my name on your lips and tears in your eyes, and I held you… I will never stop holding you. You never gave yourself willing to me, but I possess you anyway. What choice do I have when you have already claimed me so completely? You subsumed me without even realizing it. What am I without you? There was no alternative. From the moment our paths first crossed… we were always going to end up here— we were just too blind to see it. But don’t worry, my love, I’m not done just yet.

We will drown in death and in one another, you and I…

xXx

“What did you do?”

I can hear the horror in his voice. But not anger, not hatred. (Not yet at least, the shock hasn’t given him enough space for those emotions yet.)

I pull my head from its place on your chest to look up at him. I knew he’d be the one to find us. I was counting on that.

I don’t speak. What is there to say? The shell of your body and your blood on mine, (it soaks my shirt, my hands, my face…) tells far more than I ever could. I clasp your limp hand as I wait for him to assemble the pieces… and for his heart to finally catch up to the truth.

It doesn’t take long.

Now the anger makes its appearance. I can feel the wind pick up around us, hot and oppressive and ominous… His blue eyes are on fire, sparked with pain; with a deep primal sense of loss that consumes everything and leaves only ashes in its wake. I smirk, contorting my face into a mask of an emotion I don’t feel, my hand still wraps around yours. Soon…

“Risho,” He spits my name out like a poison. The warmth and joviality that seemed to draw everyone to him, to draw you to him, is gone– his honeyed tones have gone harsh. “What. Did. You. Do?”

He doesn’t yell. Most who do not know him would think he would– he’s normally so boisterous after all. His presence makes itself known no matter what room he walks into. But when he’s really angry, truly and completely angry, he never yells. His tone grows clipped and ice cold (I wonder if that’s a trait he picked up from you? It’s amazing how much he reminds me of you in this moment.) I wonder if he knows you share this trait?

This time, I didn’t have to fake my smirk. A monstrous feeling is filling my chest, a cruel vindictiveness has taken root. I may have fought against it once, I may have spent years desperately trying to keep it from taking over, but now? What was the point? Why not let it flower for the world to see? It’s all I’ll be remembered for, regardless of what I do now. The moment my blade penetrated your chest and I watched the life and blood drain from you, both of our fates were sealed. If I am to be remembered as a monster, why not enjoy the role while I can?

“‘What did I do?’” I repeat, finally getting my feet. I have to let go of your hand and my fingers feel bereft without you. “What did I do? I’ll tell you what I’ve done, Jin… I won. I’ve finally won!”

He stops and seems to reel as though I had landed a physical blow. He pretends not to understand my words, but I can see them sinking in; I can see the way the color drains from his face…

“Won?” His voice feels so fragile, cracks already apparent.

“Yes,” I reply. It is amazing how calm I feel, here at the end of everything. “You had his love, Jin. You paraded him around with such assuredness. You had his heart—even I could see that. But now? Now you have nothing… I took it. I took that love, I took his heart… I took his life.”

That certainly did it.

If there was any lingering doubt in my mind that Jin would act, it was banished the instant those words left my mouth. Jin looks furious, apoplectic…

Murderous.

The wind is gone and the air is gone with it. My lungs burn and I try to suck in oxygen that is no longer there, my body wants to scream, but there is nothing it can use to propel my voice from my lips. Instead I am left with my mouth pantomiming the act of gasping. So this is how he is going to do it. It’s cruel (I expected that) but not hands on.

… I may have spoken too soon. Jin lunges forward, into the dead space, the execution chamber he created. The air rushes back in in a cascade and I suck it in greedily in the second before Jin reaches me. Gods that felt good. I try to take a second breath, but Jin is far too quick for that. His fist connects with my jaw and I hear the sound of bone cracking. The pain is exquisite and the metallic taste of blood fills my mouth, though I’m not exactly sure where it's from– the right side of my face feels as though it's on fire. As a distraction, it’s a damned good one, I don’t realize Jin is tackling me to the ground until the sensation of falling finally registers. Even if I want to, there’s little I can do to combat him. Jin’s body is on top of mine, pinning me in place as his hands wrap around my throat. Even if I were to try and move the ground below us to defend myself, Jin’s own powers are already hard at work. The air pressure has been altered and I can feel the weight of it anchoring me and the dirt beneath me firmly in place.

But the idea of fighting back never crosses my mind. Even as his hands, his body, even the very air around us is crushing the life from my body, all I can do is marvel. Jin’s face is truly exquisite in this moment. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen grief and rage and hatred rendered so beautifully. His lips are curled back, making his canines look all the more prominent, his nose and brow crinkle in a delicate web– sun-kissed skin yielding to the muscle and vitriol coursing underneath. And then there are his eyes. The blue stands out like a spotlight, sharpened by his bloodlust and despair, and I can see the tears beading in the corners of his eyes and clinging to the dense curtain of lashes. His red hair still frames his face in a fiery halo. An avenging angel, full of righteous wrath, here to dispose of the devil, who had wrought such devastation.

Yes…. it’s only right that it plays out this way. I’m glad that Jin was the one to find us. More thematic… in a Greek tragedy sort of way, don’t you think, Touya? We all played our roles so perfectly, though we had no idea that we were on stage. We had no idea that the ending had already been written, even as we moved ever closer to it.

Would it have made a difference if we had?

Everything feels so far away now, the darkness is lurking in the corners of my vision… Oblivion is growing restless and is now encroaching on my very consciousness. Not long now… I force my blurring eyes back to the place where your body lays, desperate to catch just one last glimpse of your face to take with me.

Gods, but I loved you…

Jin growls as though he can guess where my attention is drifting and his nails dig into the skin of my neck, but I don’t feel it. Still I bring my focus back to him one last time. I can’t say the words aloud, Jin has made sure of that, but I still force my dying lips to mouth the words. The very same words you said to me as you closed the door on the last vestiges of hope I still harbored for a happy ending with you.

I’m sorry….