Archive of Our Own ^beta

We could’ve had it all. 

We could’ve had it all.

We could’ve had it all.

Blade draped in sanguine, Doomsday had befallen them where all life pours from the eyes of loved ones. 

Love. 

If you asked Rafe if he’s ever truly been in love, he would tell you about this boy he set sight on from his younger years. 

He’d tell you that it was the kind that crept up like a shadow in the crevice of your mind that whispers for you to do something you probably shouldn’t be doing. 

He’d say that it was exhilarating at first. Having so much control over someone that one word tossed over his shoulder, would ruin their day. Like Rafe’s some parasite, toxic and greedy beneath the surface longing for any reaction in which he was always given. 

Like he’s a vampire, someone who can step into a room and immediately siphon the  energy out of the room, draining someone of their happiness until all they know is seeing through his eyes. The red stage, white—hot anger that conjured bloodied knuckles and patch spots along the walls. 

He’d state all the times he was driven crazy over JJ always being late even if Rafe continued to show up despite it all. 

He’d say how he hated the songs JJ would play around him, but never said anything about it because it meant he got to hang around JJ longer. 

He’d go into long rants, how much JJ Maybank got under his skin and yet he continued to crawl back for more. Which JJ always gave, he gave, and gave until he couldn’t give no more. 

How JJ smelled like saltwater or gasoline.

How JJ laughed louder at his own jokes than anyone else ever could. 

How JJ would pick fights with guys twice his size not because he thought he’d win but because someone had to.

He’d explain, albeit vaguely, how so close Rafe was to forfeiting the need to have control, to put it in the hands of someone who was impulsively reckless yet had a smile that could light up the room, and hands that would hold like they were the last people on earth. 

Like JJ was the very sun in the sky, like the boy had everything he ever wanted in a life where he’d been dealt a shit deal. Friends turned into profound families. 

Had the kind of love that Rafe was envious of, because all his life—he was the last thought, the back burner Cameron who always tried to make everything right no matter how wrong it was. 

Not good enough. 

Watching Ward handle things, JJ came along and smacked Rafe with the truth. It was all learned behavior. 

Despite all JJ has been through, he somehow remained kind, remained pure-hearted. 

The type of caring person he was—had the boy end before life could begin just by being a little too trusting. 

Rafe would tell you that it’s the feeling of walls breaking down, sternum torn apart and a beating heart that was set into warm hands that aimed to care rather than break it. 

Over, and over, and over again.

He’d tell you how bit by bit, JJ brought another side out of him that he never knew existed before him. 

Never knew where or when the guilt of everything he had done in his life, where it landed him but knew that it started when he witnessed the sun for the first time, allowing it into the darkness of his heart that had been heavily guarded. 

JJ wasn’t worried about getting burned. 

That. Made Rafe feel like he was enough. 

Having someone think that way, made Rafe believe that maybe it is possible for someone to fall in love with him. 

Made Rafe believe that it’s possible he could change, if he wanted, if he put in the work to be better. 

To acknowledge his wrongs. 

To take accountability. 

To analyze every thought before actions are made. 

To really sit with himself, in solitude. 

To see.

JJ was the power ballad that lifted him up, and held him down. 

Rafe’s hand rests upon the stone with JJ’s name engraved—you could ask him where his hate began and the love that ended but you wouldn’t get the answer. 

It would show late at night, behind four poster walls that stare at him while each and every ounce of his body trembles under the weight of vulnerability. 

It would show in the way that Rafe has grown quiet, like a soul left behind in Morocco—sat by JJ’s actual grave that Rafe dug, and filled while throwing up a fractured facade that led JJ’s friends to believe he didn’t care.

It would show in the way of how his eating habits became lesser, slumber longer, and cries louder. 

How every little inch of space around him, had once been filled with JJ now completely empty. 

Cold.

Like all that Rafe was, is a walking lifeless vessel of the love that had been taken from his grasp before he could ever truly get a taste of what it felt like. 

Know it’s for the better, is what he told himself. 

But nothing's getting better. 

Days bleed into night, and nights drag on. 

The Sun is gone, and The Moon is lost. 

There is no love story to tell here, no fairytales, just a memory tattooed on Rafe’s skull so he’d never forget how it felt to be looked at like he was loved. 

—

“Y’know…” JJ drawled, which brought Rafe’s attention from the television to the profile of golden rays that were made up of JJ’s hair. Cranium in lap, silently melting into phalanges of JJ’s that massaged non-existent hair. “Y’don’t gotta hide from me, been there—the whole dad shit or whatever. It sucks, man. But, here? In your humblest abode? We can jus’… be, just—exist.” 

It was cute how JJ always managed to console Rafe whenever it came to the topic of their dads, but when Rafe would ease into the conversation and bring up JJ’s? It was a whole other story, one that rarely ended pretty. 

Through the years spent together however, their interactions became less violent and more silent understanding than anything. It became a safe space to just as JJ said, exist. To not have to be in control, to have everything at his fingertips, to figure it all out on his own. 

None of that. 

Rafe looks back to the tv, not really watching it but a way to avoid it. 

“Hey! ‘M talkin’ to you. Don’t go doin’ that, Rafe.” JJ moved his hand from Rafe’s head to force him to look at JJ. Seriousness displayed, with an undertone of something gentle. 

Something like a feather you pick up off the ground, or furrows in currents of wind in passing. “I will stay up all night with your ass jus’ to convince you that you aren’t the problem. Yeah, you got some fucking problems but don’t we all? Shit. I know I do, and they ain’t pretty.”

“Okay. Now you’re just lying to my face, and you know I don’t like that shit.” Rafe moves out of JJ’s lap to sit up, ball of palms pressed into his eye sockets. No, he isn’t crying, it’s just allergies. 

Rafe leans to the side when he feels JJ sit up and get even more into his personal space, arm slung over shoulder and a hand over his heart. “You did some fucked up shit, ain’t gonna lie to you. But I see you trying, okay? That? Hell, where was that at with our daddies? They ain’t even fix their shit and get therapy, you are.” The hand splayed over his sternum balled into a light fist, felt JJ’s forefinger jab there to emphasize. “Someone who takes initiative in getting therapy? That’s the change y’needed to get better.” 

Wow. He thought for a moment that he missed the insults, missed the fights and hurting JJ because why the fuck was his face suddenly wet? Why was his throat tight, and hot like he’d swallowed sand-paper? 

Hands moved, coming to the sides of Rafe’s neck as JJ shifted some in order to look him in the eyes and it only made it worse from there. 

The dam broke. 

But there JJ was, collecting his tears like they weren’t something that should be wasted but accepted. 

To let Rafe know without telling him that vulnerability makes him human, and that as painful as it may be to let it all out? It can be good, it means that Rafe can feel it all, and know that he’s safe to do so. 

No judgments. 

No being called a pussy. 

Or weak. 

None of that. 

Rafe’s shoulders shrank, deflated as all tension seemed to dissipate as if this was the first telltale sign of him giving up restraints and putting them in the hands of someone who truly understands, and sees Rafe for who he is. 

Not molding him into something else. 

He gently presses his forehead against JJ’s, bites back the three lettered phrases someone tells their partner when you love them. 

Because Rafe didn’t know if what he was feeling was love as someone who’s never had love.

—

Rafe could wish all that he wants, but it won’t bring them together. 

It won’t bring JJ back. 

Know it’s for the better…

Better that it ended before it began.

Better that it ended before Rafe could ruin it.

Better that it ended.

Better. 

Love is when you hear someone’s laugh from across the Boneyard, your stomach drops because you know who it is and when you don’t hear it anymore… it still drops anyway.

The bitter end of Doomsday. 

“So yeah… I’ve been in love. Once. That’s all I’m ever getting.”