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Alina watched the young grisha couple celebrate their marriage. She saw the way they looked at each other and it hurt. She remembered Mal. She had thought he was the love of her life but he had been killed in the war. Nikolai had been her fiancé and how she had cried for him when he was turned into a monster. So much that it had trapped her into her marriage. She had begged Aleksander after Mal’s death to save Nikolai from his demon when she had lost the war. She had begged him for so many things.
He had agreed to many of them but she had to become his wife. Alina had cried on her wedding day and so many after. Aleksander would gloat about winning the war and was not kind about it. She supposed she was lucky he did not beat or force himself on her. He liked nothing more than to remind her she was his “Little Wife”
She glanced at Aleksander and saw his face was hardened as he watched the couple. She wondered how many weddings he had been to. How many marriages he had been in. He had mentioned she was not his first wife but she had not asked him more.
She decided she was done with this ceremony. She had made an appearance and now it was time to head back to her chambers. She nodded at Ivan who was guarding her this night. The years had been kind to him and he still looked handsome but aged. She looked to Aleksander and signaled she was going to her chambers. He gave her a look that seemed like he wanted something. She left. Ivan seemed more on edge than usual; he was making little huffs.
Alina grumbles “Ivan, if you want to tell me what is upsetting you you will have to speak?”
Ivan pulls her in her chambers. He looks at her “You are lonely. I see it. I know the tsar has not always been kind to you. You and I are not friends but I think you need to let some of your anger towards him go. He might not be the tracker but he is desperately in love with you.’
Alina laughed “Aleks has not tried anything with me in years. He might had like me when i was a fresh young saint but he barely talks to me anymore”
Ivan puts his hand on his head “Alina, he is scared of being rejected. He gave up trying. He cares deeply for you. I am a heartrender I know when he looks at you but how his heart beats. When there is danger he always looks to protect you.. I know you do not feel the same but you don't feel nothing as you try to convince yourself. You don't have to be lonely. Fedyor and I will not be here with you forever. My husband, he worries for you as I worry for the Tsar. I know you might not ever love him but I think you could be happier if you let him try, my queen. A small sign like a smile. I am not telling you to bed your husband.”
She ponders “Why now? Is it really that you and Fedyor worry for us?’
Ivan nods “Fedyor sees how your loneliness is hurting you. I fear without us the people who serve or even just know you won't always see the humanity in you both. I knew the Tsar before he was your husband. When he was the General there were very few grisha who knew him then alive and none of the regular mortals. Alina, you don't have to be so unhappy. I hate to say this next part but I worry about him losing that last bit of humanity he has. I know it is wrong to make you responsible for him but you will have to keep in check when Fedyor and I are gone. I think if you are together he will not go too far.”
She shakes her head “You act like he is not always going too far.”
Ivan looks at her “He can go further and you know. Pull him back. I know you find him attractive. I am asking you to try.”
Alina looks at him “He might kill you for speaking this way.”
Ivan nods ‘He might if you tell him but Fedyor and I have made our peace and decided this is worth it. You need to protect the world.
She shakes her head ‘I really don't think he feels like that towards me. Possessive I can see. Lust maybe but love? I don’t know, Ivan.”
He looks at her “It is more than lust. I have known that since the first day he saw you. He fell for you.”
Alina sigh “Maybe then but I don't think he still feels like that”
He grimaces “He is not perfect Alina but it is love. Maybe you could feel that with him. You don't have to be alone. I know part of you does not want to give in to him because it feels like losing again but Alina it has been a long time. You don’t have your pain fresh in your mind. He is waiting for any sign from you. “
She wondered what it would be like to not be so lonely. Ivan was right. He and Fedyor were the last of the people who knew her before becoming queen. She might not be friends with Ivan but he is a constant in her life. She would have endless forever. If she did not try with Aleksander she would be alone all that time. She knew she liked to pretend she didn't care for him but she knew she did. She even cared for him when they were at war but this span of time had separated them even more when they married.
She looks at Ivan “Would it be cowardly to send you a note saying do you like me so I don't have to see his face if he rejects me?”
Ivan barks out a laugh “Alina if you just were to even take his hand he would be overjoyed. I have felt his heart when you have brushed past him to speed up, he won’t reject you.”
She looks at Ivan “Do you think I will lose all my humanity?”
Ivan moves and hugs the queen tightly “No, he still has humanity in him and you are compassionate. You won’t”
She squeezes Ivan and whispers “I don't want you and Fedyor to die.”
He nods “I wish we could live longer to stay and watch over you. I know I judged you harshly when I was younger but I understand you so much more now. You won’t be alone. You have the Tsar. You will make friends with new grisha. It won't be the same but maybe you can meet other saints. You could have friends. You will never be alone. People are drawn to you. I hear your other servants talk. You are loved in this palace. You treat people kindly.”
She lets Ivan go and says “How long do you think the Tsar will be at the wedding?”
Ivan chuckles “You left his interest is done.. I assume he is in his chambers already.”
Alina looks at Ivan and moves to the door of that hall that separates the king and queen's chamber. She goes down the hall and knocks.
She hears Aleksander's voice telling her to come in. Here does nothing, she thinks and enters.