Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Shit."

I wanted to make sure I was fully prepared for today. This is one of the biggest, if not the actual biggest day of my life, and even though I've been prepping for it, I still feel like I'm more disorganized than ever.

Clothes are strewn across every surface of my room. There's a lineup of black pants on my bed, at least six pairs, but I'm unsure as to whether or not I want to pack them or if it's too cliche to wear mostly black pants, especially considering that all of them except one are ripped jeans.

At this point I'm living the cliche, though. Most of my shirts that I've packed are also black. The only shoes I have are Vans, except for one pair of Doc Martens. Black, Doc Martens. My entire wardrobe and appearance scream cliche.

I don't have a problem with it. After all, I am joining a rock alternative group on a world wide tour that starts tomorrow. That alone gives me permission to be cliche, especially considering how long I've been working for this.

My family was never musically inclined. The most my family could do was sing happy birthday off-key. They were loud about it, filled with confidence, and they acted as though a maraca was the beat keeper as well. That said, I didn't have a lot of musical influence in my household.

Nope, my love from music came from myself. I was young when my brother, Adam, got a toy drum set from a family friend for his birthday. Adam played with it a couple of times before getting bored of it, which was lucky for my parents, however their luck changed again the second I started picking up the sticks and going wild with it.

Ever since then I've had a thing for the drums. I've tried other instruments, many of which I enjoyed and mastered. I can play my fair share of songs on the guitar. I'm handy with a harmonica, and I can play a number of wind instruments, although none of them that well, but truly the drums became the love of my life.

I kept up with it throughout the years and eventually joined a local band when I was in my teens. We would play in my friends garage for hours on end, making up our own songs and having a great time. We put on a couple of shows at parties and even played a wedding once, but then as we graduated high school, we decided it was time to disband.

Still, I kept going. I played on my own a lot. I joined bands for some random gigs and filled in for a couple of groups that were missing drummers. I thought that's as far as I would go with it, until I received a call four months ago.

Pierce the Veil was looking for a drummer.

They had seen my stuff online a while back and liked my sound. It wasn't long after the initial call that I received another one, this one asking me to come in and perform so that they could see me live.

I just about fainted on the day of the audition. The sticks were literally shaking in my hand as I sat down at the drum set provided. I still remember the way it felt like my heart was going to burst through my chest, yet somehow, I nailed it. I played my heart out and I did an amazing job.

I was told they had a lot of decisions to make and that I would be hearing back from them in no later than two week's time.

In my head, that was that. Sure, I did great, but there's better drummers out there. At least I had the opportunity to have played for them, even if I didn't get the gig.

A week went by and still there was nothing but silence as expected. I started letting myself forget about it and carried on with my life, figuring that was that.

Two weeks went by and still, nothing. By that point I knew I wasn't selected. They had said I would've heard by two weeks, and that timeframe was up. I sighed about it, complained to friends and family, but besides that, there was nothing I could do. I did my all, I didn't get picked, it happened.

I was at work when I got the call. I was in the middle of one of the busiest days ever - two coworkers were out sick and I was handling the downfall of it. I was rushing around, papers all over when my phone started ringing under a pile. I assumed it was a coworker calling about something else, so I rummaged through the stack of mixed papers on my desk, and as I glanced down at the call screen, I saw it was an unsaved number.

I almost didn't answer until I figured I'd already dug my phone out anyway, might as well complete the rest of the process, and the rest is history.

Well, the rest is about to start now, actually.

I shove my clothes - even the cliche black ones - into my suitcase and finish up the rest of my packing then glance over at the time. I have a 30 minute drive and I need to be there in 45 minutes.

I gather my stuff together and make my way through my apartment, my suitcase trailing behind me, the wheels bumping into every crack and crevice in my floors. The apartment is eerily quiet as I walk through, quieter than it usually is.

When I get to the front door, I turn and I glance back one last time into my drab, empty-looking apartment. The half-dead plants in the hanging basket in front of the living room window are bound to be dead by time I get back, that's for sure. I wave a little goodbye at them, and then I turn and close the door behind me, leaving behind my life for the next couple of months.

Chapter Text

Stepping onto a tour bus for the first time is like a dream. I always knew I wanted to be here, I just never thought it would be an actual reality. Even now as I step onto the bus it feels like it's not real, like I'll wake up tomorrow in my apartment again.

"Kody!" Jaime yells out to me as he comes through from the back of the bus to greet me. Someone trails behind him, a guy that I haven't officially met yet but I know to be the infamous Tony. He doesn't look at me or even come up to me when the both get into the front, only Jaime comes over to me and envelopes me into a hug. "Welcome home!"

Welcome home. That's cute. Really cute.

"Yep, this is home for the next couple of months." Vic says to me. "You get used to it, though."

"Yeah?" I ask, looking around. I'm unsure how I could ever get used to calling a bus home, but weirder things have happened, right?

"Yeah, you'll even start to miss it when you're off the road." Jaime jokes.

"It's true." Vic adds. "By the way, I know you guys didn't meet during auditions, so, Kody, this is Tony, our lead guitarist." Vic says, gesturing to the sullen guy with black hair who's covered in tattoos. "Tone, Kody."

Tony glances over at me for the first time since I've been in the room with them. Right away I'm struck by the anger in his eyes. It's an overwhelming anger, like pure hatred flowing out of his soul and targeting me.

I've heard a lot of things about Tony before. The general consensus is that he's a quiet guy who keeps to himself. They say he's really calm and levelheaded and he's a God on the guitar. A couple of people - girls, mainly - have mentioned that he's cuter in person than in photos, which I have to give it to them, he is cute, but the rest of the stuff I've heard? That all seems like a lie right now. This guy isn't calm and levelheaded, he's filled with rage and attitude. It's almost staggering how arrogant he looks.

A quick glance around at Vic and Jaime shows that I seem to be the only one who notices what a weird energy Tony is giving off, which makes me nervous because it means he must always be like this.

Still, I put my best foot forward towards him, eager to make a good impression so I can hopefully stay on board with Pierce the Veil and become their full-time, permanent drummer.

"Hey, I'm Kody." I say, offering him a smile. "It's nice to meet you, I heard a lot of good things, especially about your playing."

Tony stares back at me with those dead eyes. "Hey."

The quietness of the bus seems to get louder as I stand across from Tony, waiting to hear more words which he never ends up saying. Rather than continuing to talk, Tony looks at me and rolls his eyes as if me being there is somehow the biggest annoyance of his life. By the way he's been looking at me since I got here, I think I may just be the actual biggest annoyance he's ever seen, the only question is, why?

Obviously, the first thought that comes to mind is that I'm a woman and maybe he doesn't like that. A lot of these bands are more centered around men. Tony could be one of those guys who thinks that this should stay a male dominated field, thinking that women aren't "good" enough to be in it. It could also be that he does support women in bands, just not his band.

Or maybe I'm overthinking it because I'm nervous. Maybe he's in a bad mood and me being there is a big thing for everyone and he's not in the mood to celebrate. I know I'd be pissed if I wanted some alone time and I was forced into some sort of group celebration.

I decide right then and there that that's the problem. Tony isn't a sexist dick, he's just tired. He's tired from all the prep they do before a tour, and he's tired from the work he knows he's going to have to put out for the next couple of months.

With that in mind, I let the anxiousness ease off of me. I feel myself relax as I glance around the bus, taking in the sights of where I'll be living for the next few months.

"I know that look." Jaime says, raising an eyebrow at me in a playful way. "You want the official bus tour, don't you? Want to see your new house?"

My new house. Even hearing them again catches me off-guard, but in a good way. The excitement builds in me as it sinks in, and I realize that this really is where I'll be all the time. If we're not on stage, with fans, or out partying, we're on the bus.

During my interview, I was told that we spend about 75% of our time on the bus. I was advised to get used to the travelling and being in a "cramped" space for the better part of a year, and at the time, I pictured the bus as half the size it currently is.

Truth is, this is like a life of luxury. The first thing you see when you walk onto the bus is the "kitchen" area. To the left is an L-shaped bench with a table in front of it. In back of it is a sink with cupboards and cabinets, about five of each. Right across from the sink is an almost full-sized stainless steel fridge with another bench on one side, and a TV built into the bunk wall on the other side.

"Back here is the bunk area." Jaime calls out. I was so busy looking around the kitchen I hadn't noticed he started the tour already. I follow him to where he's standing in the middle of the bunks. "We let you have the best bunk in the house." Jaime says. He opens the curtain of the top bunk on the left side, the one that's right beside the entrance into the back part of the bus.

"Oh, thanks." I say, looking at it and comparing it to the others to see what makes it the best one. There's no discernible qualities, so I have to take Jaime's word for it. "I appreciate that."

Jaime winks at me. "We got you." he says before he slaps the mattress. "Put your bag here and I'll show you the rest."

I do as I'm told, dropping my bag off onto the bunk and following Jaime as he walks us past the bunk area. We move into the back where there's a couple of couches, a long coffee table, a TV and some gaming consoles. There's some windows to the side of us, curtains closed, of course, and a bathroom to my right.

"The living room area, I assume." I say to Jaime as I glance around.

"The one and only." he says. "It's kind of a rule on the bus that if you're a late owl you have to spend time back here"

"Why back here?"

Jaime shrugs at me. "There's less noise here. Plus, you can always pull this move." Jaime says as he walks over to the most narrow point of the living room and reaches into the wall, producing a sliding partition. It closes us off from the rest of the bus, making it so Jaime and I are alone as he beams at me as if he's performed a magic act.

Admittedly, I do love that feature. Out of all the bus I've seen so far, this is my favourite part. The velvet purple curtains over the bunks or the full mirror bathroom door are cool, but a secret sliding partition that blocks you off from the rest of the bus is so much cooler.

"So, that's the bus." Jaime says, clapping his hands together in front of him like he's just finished a high school presentation. "Any questions?"

"Where do you guys hang out the most?"

"Back here." Vic adds. I turn and see Vic standing behind me, the partition wall back into its socket and the rest of bus is back in view. "We play games a lot. Mostly drinking games, but we do some occasional Guitar Hero-"

"Thats a throwback." I say.

Vic grins at me. "We're old school like that."

"And we're just...old." Jaime says with a laugh. "You're what, 20 something?"

"Yeah, 20 something." I answer. "You guys are around the same."

Vic grimaces at me. "I'm turning 40 in a year."

"40?!" I exclaim loudly, my shock present in my face. Jaime bursts out in laughter as Vic shoots daggers at me. "I'm so sorry. That just came out."

"That's fucking funny." Jaime says between laughs.

"You're three years younger than me." Vic points out to Jaime. "You'll be 40 sooner than you know."

"Yeah, but not as soon as you." Jaime hits back.

"Whatever." Vic says with a dramatic eye roll before he turns back to me. "Anyways, yes, we play old school games a lot. You're welcome to play any console if thats your thing."

It really is my thing, but I won't dare admit just how good I am at Guitar Hero. When you grow up with an older brother, you kind of get pulled into playing more video games than you ever want to. My brother would force me to be player two, playing all games he wanted to play. When my sister was born, I thought maybe I could get out of my playing the games, that maybe my sister would get roped into it instead, but in reality we ended up buying a third paddle to play with.

Since then, I've kind of been hooked on video games, mainly old school ones. Mario Party 3, Zelda, GTA, Sonic, you name it. All my jam. I could play for hours on end, sometimes forgetting to sleep because I'm so wrapped up in them.

As a night owl and an avid gamer, I now know where I'll be spending all my time on the bus.

"You ready for the real bus tour?" Jaime asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

I look at him, my brows furrowed. "The real tour? Is this not our bus?"

Jaime grins at me. "It is, but we didn't get to the best part yet. Follow me."

I'm skeptical of what the "best" part of the tour could be. Things are looking pretty good already from my point of view, it's like glamping to the extreme up in here.

Jaime leads us back into the kitchen to where the sink is. He glances back at me before opening up one of the cabinets on top to reveal all the alcohol anyone could ever want. There's tequila, gold and clear, there's all sorts of rums from dark to spiced, there's vodkas of too many flavours to count. It's like looking into a small liquor store.

I'm so focused on the alcohol in front of me that I fail to see the alcohol that Jaime is pouring for each of us. It's only when he taps me on the arm with the glass that I turn and see Jaime holding out a cup of something for me. It's full of a dark brown liquid, like a spiced rum or a soft drink like Rootbeer. Bringing the glass to my nose, I realize quickly enough that it's definitely not the soft drink.

"What the hell is this?" I ask, still peering into the cup.

The next words out of Jaime's mouth let me know that I'm in for a world of trouble on this bus.

"Initiation"

Chapter Text

The sound of loud music and cheering fills the entire room around me. The bass in the "waiting" music vibrates through my entire body, making me feel all the more anxious, especially so when the chanting begins.

I'm about to step foot, for the first time ever, on stage as Pierce the Veil's drummer and I couldn't be more nervous. No matter what I do, my palms remain sweaty. I wipe them on the side of my pants over and over, and yet the sweat keeps coming. The unsettled feeling in my stomach is just as present as sweat, only the unsettled feeling is a constant. Let's not forget about my tight chest and my fast beating heart underneath it. Everything ties together and makes me feel like an absolute mess.

Vic comes up behind me and bumps me in the back with his water bottle, pulling me from my anxiety induced thoughts. When I turn around to look at him, he's grinning at me. Of course, Vic Fuentes, lead singer of Pierce the Veil for years, who has performed in front of hundreds of thousands of people multiple times isn't nervous at all. This probably feels like coming home to him.

"You ready for this?" Vic says, shouting loud so I hear him over the music playing.

I look at him, my face filled with nerves and my tummy stuffed with butterflies - wild ones at that. Usually I try really hard to be stoic and calm, except right now no matter what I do, I can't get to that place or even make it look like I'm there and obviously Vic can see that.

"No." I admit to him. "Not at all."

Vic's grin widens. "I know how that feels."

"Do you?" I ask, giving him a skeptical look of my own. This guy is as calm as I've ever seen him, no way he can relate to what I'm feeling right now.

"We were new too once. " he says. He turns and points towards a guy who has dreads and is dressed in all black. I vaguely recognize him as one of the crew. "That's Paul, you know him right? Well, he's been with us for a long time now, but back when he started with us, we weren't that big."

"Are you bragging about being famous?"

"Nah, not at all. Paul watched me throw up in a garbage can 30 seconds before I had to go on stage once. It was the biggest show we played and I was so nervous, like you are now, and so, I watched all the guys go on stage, and right after Jaime left, I knew I had to go out too. I turned around, threw up, Paul handed me a rag to wipe my mouth with then gave me a mint, and off I went."

I glance over at Paul who is wrapping up some wiring, completely unaware that he's currently the focal point in a story right now.

When I turn back to Vic, I only have one thing to say to him. "Gross."

Vic shrugs at me like this is just an everyday part of life. "It happens. Try and reel your anxiety in, you're going to do great."

"And worst case, there's always the water bottle beside you to throw up in if you get too nervous." Jame says from beside me.

Somewhere during Vic's peptalk, Jaime and Tony managed to sneak up on us. Both of them look as calm as Vic does, only Jaime looks way more excited, and Tony looks, well, he looks like he's always looked since the very first day - angry.

"She's not going to throw up in her water bottle. She's not you." Vic retorts.

"I'll have you know a lot of stars throw up in their water bottles." Jaime replies. He's trying to keep his face serious, but we can all see the smile that's forming.

"That's kind of gross." I tell Jaime. "Please tell me you didn't drink it after."

Jaime bunches up his face in disgust. "God, no! What is wrong with you?" he says, throwing his head back as he laughs.

"That was a valid question to ask considering who it was asked to." Vic says with a laugh of his own. "But seriously, Kody, you're going to do great out there. Don't even worry."

"You're going to kill it for sure." Jaime says to me before turning over to Tony and bumping his arm into him. "Tone, your turn. Any words or advice for our dear Kody?"

Tony's jaw tightens at this. His eyes narrow while he's looking towards the stage we're about to go on, then he blinks and slides his eyes over to me for half a second before glancing away again, almost like looking at me is painful for him.

"Don't fuck it up."

Whatever nerves Vic and Jaime have just settled now come ramping back up. Tony's words settle deep down into my bones making all my butterflies come back. Still, I put on a brave face. I don't want Tony to know he got to me with something as small as a little remark.

"Thanks." I say back. "That's great advice."

Out the corner of my eye I see Jaime and Vic exchange a glance. It's no secret that Tony has been beyond frigid since I got here. He's hardly spoken to me at all, and when he does, it comes out as nothing more than a grunt or a rude remark, like now.

So, yeah, even though I'm new here and out of my element and beyond nervous, I'm going to give it right back to him. I get that maybe he's going through something, but that doesn't mean he has to be a dick to me because of it, and he needs to know that too.

The music overhead switches from generic pop-punk music to our intro music, and as it does, a mountain of screams erupt from the venue. The nerves that I've had this entire time are amplified at this, but now it's also mixed with pure excitement that makes me want to jump around and let loose.

"Kody, you're going out in 20 seconds. Do you have everything you need?" Jack, our stagehand says from behind me.

"Yep."

"Alright, earpiece in and off you go then. Have a good show!"

The guys - minus Tony, of course - yell out to me as I start to walk on stage. They tell me it's going to be great and that I need to take a moment to enjoy the moment. I take it all into consideration as my feet walk me forward.

I step onto the stage, automatically being blinded by the bright, blaring lights that are facing the stage. The consistent cheers get even louder as I step even just one foot on stage. Screams erupt, there's a couple of whistles, the works. I feel that excitement grow in me and seep into my veins. It fuels me, like a drug and I realize now why the guys were excited, nor nervous. This feels absolutely phenomenal, and I can't wait to get used to it.

Chapter Text

Vic, Jaime and I are sat in the back lounge area playing the slowest and most painful game of Uno I've ever played. As suspected, Jaime is a talker, but he's a talker who can't talk and play games at once, which is how I end up holding onto five Uno cards and getting interrogated by Jaime about my life.

"I think I was five when I picked up my first instrument." I tell him. "It was a harmonica."

"A harmonica?" Jaime says. He laughs and claps his hands together. "That's so funny."

"Yeah, I was not good either." I admit with a laugh of my own. "Then, like, two years later, my brother had this kid drum set and I took to it. I picked the plastic red sticks up and went to town on that set so much that my parents got me one of my own - an actual one, not a baby one, and I just loved it."

"And the rest is history." Vic says. "My brother was the same way. He tried it out once at our cousin's place, and my family was big into music already, like, I was playing guitar already. But, yeah, Mike didn't stop after that, he loved the drums so much."

I'm surprised to hear Vic talk so casually about Mike. I know the entire drama that went on affected this band more than I can imagine, so to hear Vic bring Mike up so nonchalantly wasn't something I was expecting. I actually thought he'd avoid the subject altogether as to ensure I wasn't going to ask a million questions or something. The fact that he did bring him up makes me feel a bit better. Like, they trust me enough to bring up anything, even the potentially bad things.

"There's a weird power in the drums." I say to Vic. "Like, you're the one keeping the tempo for everyone else. It's also so easy to overpower a sound with the drums, finding that balance is like nothing else."

"Spoken like a true drummer. Mike would be proud." Vic says with a soft, friendly smile.

"Beside drums, what else are you into? We know virtually nothing about you." Jaime says.

It's true. Even though we've been on this bus together for days and days, I still haven't opened up very much to the guys. It's not like I have anything against them or like I'm overly guarded or anything, I guess it just slipped my mind to introduce myself as a person.

"Oh, um, I like playing pool. I'm really good at it. I like mixing my own music from time to time, and I like going to see other bands perform. I also really like motor cross and skateboarding." I say. "And I like spending time with my siblings."

"How many siblings do you have?" Jaime asks.

"Two. A brother and sister. Best of both worlds."

"Must be nice." Jaime says with an exaggerated sigh.

"Jaime's an only child and he never fails to remind everyone." Vic explains to me. "It's times like this when we remind him that this is why he deserves to be an only child."

"That's messed up." Jaime retorts. "All I want is a sibling. Is that so wrong? The only child experience is weird and lonely."

"You're weird and lonely." Vic hits back.

"I know! That's what I've been saying this entire time! I'm very weird and uncontrollably lonely."

I watch the two of them go back and forth exchanging rude remarks to one another. Every time Jaime tries to defend his loneliness, Vic hits back with an even ruder comment about how Jaime will die lonely. If I didn't know their normal dynamic, I would think that these two hated each other, however since I know them decently by now, I know that this is their normal friendship.

Vic and Jaime bicker back and forth for a couple more minutes until they apparently tire o it, turning their attention back towards me.

"So, Kody." Jaime says. "Are you seeing anyone or you plan to play the field on tour?"

"I'm with someone, actually." I reply. "You guys must've at least heard of Deviant Ride, right?"

"Yeah, we did a gig with them once." Jaime says. "A long time ago, though, like, maybe seven or eight years ago."

"They don't perform anymore, do they?" Vic asks.

I shake my head no. "No, not anymore. Um, but, my boyfriend is the lead singer of Deviant Ride. Or, rather, he was the lead singer."

"Freddie?"

Neither Vic nor Jaime asked the question. Nope, turning around I see that Tony is standing at the edge of the room's entrance. He has a glass of whatever in one hand, and on his face is a surprised expression. Well, part of it looks like surprise, the other part looks like pure disgust. I just don't know if the disgust is towards me or the Freddie part of it.

"Y-yeah, Freddie." I say before I swallow what feels like a lump. "You know him?"

Tony's eyes shift over to the guys beside me. I glance over myself to see that they're giving him back the same look - a very unreadable one that I wish I could understand. They look at each other silently and tensely for another couple of seconds before Tony looks at me - or rather, beside me, and answers me.

"No." he says, although based on his tone and the looks that were just exchanged, I'd argue that he's probably lying right now.

"Well, you toured with them." I point out. I do it in a slow, cautious way, yet it still earns me a look from everyone. "So, you must know him even a little."

"I met him, I don't know him." Tony says. "How long's that been going on for?"

"Freddie and I? Uh, like," I say as I try and think of when we first started dating. "Maybe two years now? Or it's coming up to two, I'm not sure."

"Why?"

"Why am I not sure or why am I dating him?"

"Dating him."

I furrow my brows as I look at Tony. "Uh, because I like him? What other reasons are there to be with someone?"

"There's plenty."

"Name a couple."

"Money. Fame. Bored. Lonely." he says, listing them on his fingers as he goes. "Security. Green card. "

"Okay, well, I have my own money and enough fame to handle. I'm definitely not bored or lonely seeing as how I'm on tour surrounded by people every single day. Um, security doesn't really apply to me, and what was the last one?"

"Green card." Tony says.

"I was born here and so was Freddie, so I guess, yeah, we're together because we like each other."

"Right." he says. For the first time since we've been talking, he actually lifts his eyes so that they fall onto mine and we make eye contact. It's so unusual for me that I'm tempted to look away, but I make myself hold strong and keep on looking at him. I don't know when I'll ever get this chance again. Almost like he can sense it, he pulls away and changes his gaze from me to Jaime and Vic. "What time are we arriving today?"

"Should be soon. Maybe an hour or two." Vic says. "Want to hang out with us while we wait?"

"Nope."

Tony turns and leaves the three of us sitting there together, still with the Uno cards in our hands. I don't know if Vic or Jaime feel as awkward as I do. Probably not, seeing as how they're not the problem. It's me and we all know it is, but there's nothing I can do to fix it. I've tried being nice to him, I've tried ignoring him, I've tried all the approaches, and nothing.

And now it seems to be affecting my time with the other guys. Vic and Jaime sit there, staring hard at their cards in their hands, not saying anything until Jaime finally speaks up.

"Who's turn is it?" Jaime asks, looking around at all of us.

"Yours." Vic and I say together.

Jaime's cheeks turn a light shade of pink as he realizes that he's the one who's been holding up the game the entire time.

"Oh." Jaime says as he drops a red four onto the pile. "My bad."

"Alright, guys, watch this." Vic says. He drops down a yellow and blue four, followed by two skip turn cards, and then calls Uno and places a blue seven on the pile. "And that's how it's done."

"Can't believe you skipped us." Jaime says.

"Can't believe you talked for 40 minutes without dropping a single card." Vic retorts.

Jaime and I toss our cards into the pile in the middle then Vic grabs them and folds them all together again.

"Did we want to play again?" Vic asks. A cocky smile comes over his face. "That is, if you can stand losing again, Kody."

I roll my eyes at them. "Just shuffle."

Both of them grin at me as Vic gets to shuffling. Maybe things with Tony are weird, and maybe fans of the band don't love me much either, but sitting here with Vic and Jaime makes me feel like I belong, and right now, that's enough for me.

Chapter Text

Tonight's show went crazy. There was a ton of energy coming in from the crowd. I think it's actually the loudest crowd we had yet. There wasn't a second where they weren't singing, yelling or chanting. They brought the energy and they brought it hard, so everyone on stage brought it just as hard.

Jaime, Tony and Vic each did at least one guitar toss. Admittedly, Jaime almost missed it when the tech threw his bass towards him. He was too busy trying to hype the crowd up, he completely forgot about the very scheduled, very timed bass throw until the very last second when he turned around and caught it perfectly, sending the crowd into a fit of screams.

The best moment of all happened to be the flip that Tony managed to pull off. Since Tony refuses to speak to me or even look at me, I don't know much about him as a person. Well, as it turns out, dude can do a backflip. I found this out in the middle of one of my drum solos. Tony, having just finished playing, was so caught up in tonight's crazy energy that he went onto a platform and did a backflip right off of it. I was so caught off-guard I almost fucked up, but I tightened up, pushed through how impressed I was, and nailed the rest of the set.

But as all good things start, they also end. After being on stage for what felt like five minutes but really was an hour and 15, we head off, leaving our instruments and a roaring crowd behind.

All four of us walk onto the backstage floor where we're greeted by the crew, all of which are beaming at us for the performance which we've just pulled off.

"Great job, guys!"

"Amazing work!"

"Good job, everyone!"

"Killed it!"

"That's what I'm talking about!"

The compliments come from everywhere around us. Before we can even thank one person, someone else is pulling our attention to the other side to compliment us. To make matters worse, things behind us are all swirling. Crew mates have various instruments and electronics in their hands. Wires are spilling onto the ground, being pulled by the remainder of the cord. There's crazy energy everywhere, to the point where I almost miss Tony yelling at me.

"What the hell was that?"

"What?" I ask in confusion. I was just being showered with compliments, and now this guy is yelling at me, acting like I've ruined his entire life's work. "What was what?"

"What was that bullshit out there?"

Tony's eyes are filled with pure rage and hate - all of which are directed towards me. His entire face is contorted with the anger he's feeling. His eyes are dark, almost black, and his dark hair is slick and wet against him, adding to the overall dark look he's sporting.

Still, angry and intimidating or not, I'm not going to let Tony stand here and yell at me like this in front of everyone. I puff up my chest and make myself look almost as big as him even though he towers over me by a couple of inches.

"What bullshit?" I yell back at him.

"You dropped your fucking stick in the middle of our second song!" Tony yells. "And you sounded hollow as fuck. And shrill. Like you can't hit the center."

"I'm hitting the center just fine, thanks, but if we're on the subject of mistakes, lets go through your actions tonight. You missed a note at the end of Emergency Contact, and you-"

"No, I didn't. I was completely on beat, but I guess that's a foreign concept to you."

"To you too I then because you started way too early on Caraphernelia, and your entire timing sounded a beat behind on I'd Rather Die Than Be Famous. And to top it all off, it sounded like you were choking your chords to death." I say as I whirl around, desperate to make an exit before it gets worse, only I'm too slow on the draw and end up overhearing Tony say the rudest thing to me.

"I wish you were a chord then."

Anger flooding through me now. I was dead set on walking off to the dressing room and ignoring Tony for the rest of the night - and the tour - but his words take all my calmness and throw it out the window. I snap. I whirl around faster than I ever have before and start to give him much deserved shit.

"Wow, fuck you, Tony, I-"

"Guys!" Vic yells, stopping me dead in the middle of what I was saying. "Shut the fuck up! You're arguing about mistakes? We all made them! Kody you made them, so did you Tony, but so did Jaime and I!" he yells at us before he directs his attention solely to Tony. "You need to get over whatever your problem is. We all suffered the loss, Tone, we know it sucks, but whatever this shit is, it needs to stop. Kody is here with us, and we should be helping her out in any means necessary." he says.

Vic gives Tony a stern look before his eyes shoot over to me. "And you? You need to learn your place. Tony's right, okay, you were having too much fun and dropped your stick, and it sounded bad. Not only that, but Tony deserves respect even when he's lacking some on his own end, okay?"

Everyone else that's around us is watching the entire thing that just unfolded. Tech guys that were hustling to get instruments in the van have paused to watch Tony and I yell at one another. Members of other bands have their heads peaked out into the hallway, workers at the venue are stopped dead watching us.

I'm sure that everyone here has seen their fair share of yelling matches before, this is a tour after all. The thing that sets Tony and I apart from the rest of the stories I'm sure everyone has is the fact that we're not overstimulated long time friends who are getting into a disagreement. Tony and I are two people who barely know each other and who clearly don't get alone with one another.

The other weird thing is that Tony is yelling at someone. Even before I met them or joined them on tour, I always heard that Tony was a quiet guy. He kept to himself and made minimal waves in the water. Everyone said he was levelheaded and chill, and yet here he is, yelling at me in front of everyone.

"Are we good?" Vic asks, pulling me from my thoughts. He's standing in front of me, back to everyone else as he peers softly at me, making sure I'm okay. Behind him, I see that everyone is back to moving, getting their stuff together and hustling hard to make up for those 90 seconds they stopped for. "If you need a couple of minutes alone-"

"No." I say sternly. I'm not going to be the girl that goes off to cry because one person gave her shit for something. That's not how I want to be known. "I'm fine."

Vic looks at me as if he doesn't believe it. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." I say. From behind Vic, I see Tony walking towards our dressing room. I don't let my face harden at the sight of him. Instead, I turn back to Vic and put on my best face. "Let's go."

Vic's stuck to the same spot as he gives me that same unsure look. I don't even bother trying to convince him that I'm fine or that I don't care, I just turn and walk towards the dressing rooms. A second later he falls in step beside me, silently.

I keep my head held high as we walk down the hallway. Even though I'm still rattled, I won't show it. This industry is impossibly male dominated. The last thing I should do is act like a "girl" and cry and whine about shit. I know that, I've been in this game for long enough. The only way to make it is to act like the men. Act like you own the world, even when you don't own anything. Act like nothing bothers you. Act like you're the best thing to ever happen to music. Act like nothing matters, and act like the opposite of what you are.

I didn't know that when I first got into the industry. At first, I would let the small things get to me. If someone yelled at me, I would cry. Sometimes even while they were yelling at me. I put my heart and emotions on my sleeve for everyone to see, and it got me nowhere.

No one took me seriously and I lost a lot of good jobs because of it. I vowed then that I would have this alter ego of sorts, someone to conquer this side of my life. This way, I could have my career and not be affected by anything, and I could still save myself.

I keep the same thoughts in my head as I walk into my dressing room where Tony and Jaime are. Jaime is sprawled out on the loveseat in front of the TV, while Tony is leaning back against the counter in front of the mirrors. Neither look at Vic and I as we walk into the room.

"Guys, we can't fall apart like that in front of everyone." Vic says. He's on his phone as he leans against the door, so even though his words have a strictness about them, his casual stance takes away all meaning from what he's saying. "We also can't talk to our bandmates like that."

"We can't play like that either." Tony mumbles under his breath.

"Tone." Vic warns. "It's over. Dead the issue. We're a band, we need to act as one."

Vic looks up from his phone and glances around the room at all of us, probably wondering how we've ended up here like this. I want to tell him that I'm wondering too, that I don't know what I've done to deserve being in this band, or better yet, being treated like this by Tony, but I don't say anything. I stay quiet and I look around the room myself, studying each person.

Jaime is an easy one to look at. Not only does he feel like the "safest" option because of how open and caring he is, but he's also almost passed out on the couch. He was watching whatever was left on TV when we got in here, but now his eyes are closed as he lays sprawled out on the leather couch.

Vic is near me by the door, texting. His fingers work furiously on his phone, spanning from left to right at a fast pace. I wonder if he's texting someone about Tony and I. I wonder if he's texting Tony about me. I know it's probably not the case, he's most likely texting his wife, but the thought still creeps up in my head at the very back, still present but not looming.

Almost begrudgingly, I glance over at Tony, and to my surprise, I find him looking back at me. His jaw is still clenched, but his eyes aren't looking at me with the same hardness he usually has for me, that is until he sees me look back at him, and then that hardness sets in. He gives me a pointed look, then sets his attention solely on his phone that he has in his hands.

I guess all things considered, it could be worse, right? I could be having to fight all of them on a daily basis. I could be getting hazed or straight up bullied on a regular basis, instead of just getting glares from one person only.

It could be worse, but, fuck, I also wish it was better.

Chapter Text

Since the start of the tour, I've been excited for one day in particular. Las Vegas.

I'm not a gambler by any means. I actually refuse to play slot machines since my 25th birthday. I was out with my siblings, Emmy and Adam, and we were going all out at the casino. We dressed up, we brought more money than we should've, and we hit the bar before any slots. We were feeling good, and I was feeling luckier than ever.

The machine I had been on for 20 minutes was giving me rollercoaster results. I won 60$ in the first ten minutes of being on it, only to lose it - and almost everything I had put in about five minutes later. I told myself I would do one more try then leave the machine. I pressed the little start button in front of me, activating the machine, all three rows spinning at different paces. I remember watching as a golden money symbol filled row one, followed by the same one on row two. By the grace of God, the third row has the same symbol come down. It paused, lining up all the golden money symbols, then the one in the third row jumped, the money symbol being replaced by a green clover.

I tried to fight the management, telling them that I did have all three of the golden money symbols lined up and that they were all stopped before the machine glitched out. Obviously, the casino didn't pay up, and I've been sour about it ever since.

How ironic it is, then, that I'm from Vegas. The gambling capital of the world is my home, and I refuse to even place a fake bet since I was screwed over by the casino.

Even with my casino trauma, coming home feels amazing. Since day one I've been waiting for this stop so that I could spend time with my brother and sister. I've been making mental notes over the past couple of weeks over things I want to show or tell them.

Right now, we've made it to the instruments section of the bragging tour. I've brought them to the venue we're playing at tomorrow, the one where our instruments are set up already and we have full access to.

"Are these yours?" Emmy asks me. She hits the cymbal, sending it crashing down onto the floor. She looks up at me with a grimace. "My bad."

"No, and don't touch anything." I instruct her. "Okay?"

She holds her hands up in front of her, palms out towards me as if in a stance of surrender. "My bad. Really."

I shoot her a look of warning as I walk over and pick the cymbal back up, placing it back on the set where it belongs. "You said that already."

"You're starting to sound like nana when she lost her marbles." Adam says to Emmy. "All senile."

"I'm younger than both of you, I can't be senile." she retorts.

"Yeah, I think the word you're looking for is stupid." I say to Adam. As expected, Emmy turns around, her mouth in an 'o' shape.

As kids, Adam and I always, always bullied Emmy. It was the easiest thing to do. One single, small look between Adam and I would send Emmy in a frenzy. She swore we were talking secretly about her in our minds, as if our need to bully her was so strong that we developed telepathy.

In reality, we knew the looks set her off, so we did them often. Of course we did the typical other sibling bullying moves, like telling Emmy she was adopted, or making her compete to make sandwiches for Adam and I. We would time her when she did Adam's, then time her when she did mine and tell her which one she did faster on. We never actually timed anything, we just knew that if we told her she was being timed, she'd want to make us sandwiches - and fast.

The bullying continued on for years, as it does with siblings, and even now I find myself falling back into the comfortable groove of making fun of Emmy whenever she and Adam are around. Luckily now she doesn't have tantrums over it.

"I am not stupid." Emmy replies. "I'm just not great with gravity."

"Got it." Adam says, his eyes sliding over to me mischievously. "Clumsy, not stupid."

Emmy beams proudly at him. "Exactly." she glances at the drum set again, then takes a look around the entire room. "So, when do we get to go on the bus?"

"Not in this lifetime." I tell her.

"What?!" she says loudly, almost louder than the sound the cymbal made falling on the ground moments earlier. "Why not?"

"Uh, because you're a little rat who doesn't deserve to see a real life tour bus." I tell her.

"I'm not a rat! I deserve the tour bus!"

"Nah." I say with a laugh. Emmy shoots me sad, puppy dog eyes thinking that it'll work on me. It does. "Fine, let's go."

She looks at me, eyes wide. "You serious?"

"Yeah, I'm serious. Come on, we're going on a real tour bus."

~

Two hours and one great tour bus later, we're back at Adam's place. He's a great cook and he always makes the best grilled vegetable lasagna I've had in my life, and for that reason, I request it every time I go to his place. Since this is a celebration for me, he made it.

He also apparently made plans with Emmy to elevate the experience. I went to the bathroom, and when I got back out, Emmy and Adam changed locations from the kitchen to the backyard. They're sat on Adam's back deck around a clear table. On the table in front of Adam is a wooden box filled with papers and clear bags. He's holding something in his hands, a paper of some sort.

"Wait, what're you guys doing?" I ask as I come over and fold myself into a lounge chair beside Emmy.

Adam's mouth curls up into a cruel smirk, letting me know that I've somehow just made a major mistake in asking this.

"What, the famous little rockstar doesn't know about marijuana?" he asks, tone taunting. "Some tour you're on."

"I know what it is, jackass." I say a little too defensively.

"Yeah? How many times on this tour have you done drugs? Of any kind."

I can't fight the sheepish look that crosses my face. Truth is, I don't care for drugs. During my time in this industry I've seen far too many people fall victim to substances and I'm trying to steer clear of it.

That said, when I was like 16 to 19, I did have a brief stint of smoking every day. I would sometimes get high in the middle of the day, often on edibles, and I would end up "overdosing" on them. I would sleep for an entire 24 hours straight during those times, sometimes even longer.

About the time I started getting more serious about drums is when I stopped smoking. I'm not the type of person who can smoke and still function, and I needed to get my shit together because I was making my future. Since then, I can count on two hands the amount of times I've smoked.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." Adam says in response to my silence. He finishes rolling his joint and holds it out to me as an offering. "Want it?"

I do. This entire tour has been stress so far. I thought it would be more fun. I thought we'd be out here exploring new cities, doing fun activities and eating good food then going to perform for crowds that can't get enough of us. After I thought we would all play games together or chill on the bus, eager to spend time with one another, but things in that department have been a bit rougher than I'd like to admit.

I owe it to myself to turn my mind off at least one night. We're not travelling tonight, we're not doing a show, and I'm in my hometown with my siblings. I deserve a night of acting like a degenerate.

I lean and grab the joint much to Adam's surprise.

"Lighter?" I ask.

Emmy tosses her lighter over to me - hitting me smack in the face with it. She gives me the same grimace she had when she knocked the cymbal down earlier. She opens her mouth to apologize, but I beat her to the punch.

"Your bad, I know." I say for her.

She grins at me, throwing a wink my way. "My bad, honestly."

I roll my eyes at her as I light my joint. It catches right away, sparking the tip of the rolled paper and burning back to the cannabis. I bring it to my lips and pull in, then immediately cough it out. I forgot how harsh of a pull it is when you're not used to it.

"I can't believe you're flying to Europe soon." Emmy says. She leans back onto her elbows, tilting her head back towards the sun. "Are you going to do all the tourist-y things?"

"Like what?"

"Like seeing the Eiffel tour, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes in France."

"Red light district in Amsterdam." Adam chimes in. "That's always been a dream of mine."

"Yeah? Like the way the free clinic is the next dream location after there?" I retort. "Hard pass."

Adam and Emmy shoot one another a look, then shake their head as if playing the role of disappointed parents.

"Where did we go so wrong with you?" Adam asks.

"Delinquency skips a sibling." I tell him. "Besides, one of us had to make mom and dad proud."

"Hey, they're very proud of me." Adam shoots back. "Probably more than they are of you."

Truly, Adam is the better sibling in terms of careers. At a young age, Adam knew he liked helping people. He also knew he liked money, but he liked having freedom too. It wasn't long before he drew the conclusion that he should go into dentistry. He had the brains for it, and he preferred working with people's mouths over their whole bodies, so Adam studied hard through high school, got into a good dentistry school after, and now is a very well-known orthodontist.

My parents couldn't have been happier with this. They're constantly boasting about how well he's doing to everyone that asks and even those who don't ask. If ever they have a friend who's chipped a tooth, or they know someone who's kid's teeth are growing in wrong, they recommend Adam. They even ordered their own business cards of his to give out.

I'm proud of him too, of course, but every single time I complain about my tooth, or I bite something too hard, my parents instantly hit me with the same phrase every time. "Adam can look at that for you." I have to bite my tongue from telling them I know that because Adam is also my family member.

"They're proud of me too." Emmy pipes up, pulling me from my thoughts around Adam and my parents.

Emmy is a true jack of all trades. She's currently working as a hairdresser full-time and a photographer part-time for weddings mostly right now. She also does nails on occasion, and she's an amazing carpenter. She recently got into painting, which of course she's nailing, and she's trying her hand at building cabinets.

Essentially, she's a constantly rotating door of talent. Each time I talk to her she's starting something new, like last month when she was writing a kid's book after having just finished her jewelry making phase.

I don't think there's anything she can't do. If you show her a project you want, she's creating it by the next week, and finished it by the end of the month at the latest. She's a force.

"They're proud of you for sure." I assure her. "Of all of us."

"Yeah...but who cares if they are or not anyway." Adam says, bringing his own joint to his lips and inhaling it. "Life's too short to worry if your parents approve of the life you've made for yourself."

"True that." Emmy says. She holds her joint out towards us. "Cheers?"

Grinning, Adam and I bring our joints in. We all tap them against one another's joint and laugh as Emmy's joint accidentally goes out from us pushing too hard on hers.

I spend the rest of the night when Adam and Emmy. We decide to all sleep at Adam's place since we're all far too high and lazy to leave anyway. I text the group chat I have with Vic, Jaime and Tony. Vic and Jaime text back, Tony doesn't even acknowledge it. Whatever, I'm too high and too happy to let myself be dragged down by any negativity.

Tonight is good vibes only, anything else can fuck off.

Chapter Text

Tonight is a travelling night. As soon as we were done our show, we were given two hours tops to make it back onto the bus so we could get rolling in order to make it to our next venue which happens to be 14 hours away. This might seem like a lot of time to get from our current location to our next, except for when you count in the fact that we have to stop to gas up at least twice, and that we're bound to hit traffic soon which is bad enough in a car, but in a big bus it's even worse. We also have to allow enough time to account for the sound check and the meet and greet, so in reality, we're cutting it close.

As it stands, though, we're doing fine for time. It's 2am right now which means we've been travelling for a total of two hours so far. For the first half an hour of our ride, Jaime, Vic, Tony and I all hung out in the kitchen area until both Vic and Jaime decided they were going to try and get an early night. This means Tony and I were the only ones left awake.

Whereas Tony retreated to the back area of the bus, the lounge area, I stayed in the kitchen, feeling far too awkward to go back and join him. Only about five minutes ago did I get the courage to get up and see if he was still awake.

I creep through the bus quietly, making sure to not make a single sound as to not wake anyone up. As I enter the doorway to the lounge area, I see Tony slumped down into the couch. He didn't turn a single light on back here, the only light that's here is the one from Tony's face. It illuminates his face, showcasing how tired he looks tonight.

I take a small breath in for courage and then speak.

"Hey."

Tony, who was intently focused on something on his phone, looks up in surprise. Once he realizes that it's me standing in the doorway instead of one of the guys or literally anyone else, his eyes darken. His brows drop from the surprise, and are drawn together in an unhappy look.

Tony doesn't say a single word to me. He looks at me, his phone still in his hand, but his unhappy eyes are on me as we silently look at one another. I guess I'll have to keep being the bigger person and reaching out because obviously he's not even willing to make half an attempt.

"What're you doing?" I ask him, nodding towards his phone.

"Nothing."

I purse my lips together as I nod at him. I knew joining a new band was going to be hard. I'm joining in on an already established dynamic that's been working for years. Adding someone new in the dynamic is bound to throw it off, but to this degree? To the point where one member refuses to almost talk to me completely? It's almost unbelievable.

Yet, I keep trying. I'm on the road with these guys for months. In a couple of weeks, we'll be flying across the world together. Like it or not, I'm here.

Instead of asking Tony whether or not it's cool if I join him, I simply walk into the lounge area and take a seat on the couch adjacent to him. I'm not crazy enough to sit right in front of him, though, so I take a seat at the complete other side of the other couch so that there's some room between us.

Tony clearly does not love this. He does everything possible to stop himself from either rolling his eyes or getting up and leaving, but at least he does stop himself. In my books, this is a win.

"I guess we're both night owls." I say to Tony in a lame attempt to make conversation with anything possible.

"I guess."

I inch myself into the room a little more, so now instead of standing against the doorway, I'm now in the lounge area, leaning back against the doorway. "You've always been one or it's only because of touring?"

"Bit of both." he says. His eyes drop from me back to his phone, uncaring.

"Yeah, me too." I say. "Not like I've been here forever with you guys, but since being here I find I'm too wired to go to bed earlier like I used to."

"Yep."

Tony continues to scroll on his phone, ignoring me. Normally, I'd take this as a sign to leave him alone, yet tonight something in me keeps pushing on. I guess because this is one of the first times I've really gotten the chance to talk to him, I now want to take it and run with it - like, really run with it. I also want to get to the very bottom of whatever the fuck is going on here with him and I, so I ask the one question I've been dying to ask since I met him.

"You really don't like me, do you?" I say. My voice rings clear through the quiet bus. There's no way he can pretend he didn't hear me.

Tony's eyes flicker over to mine. His dark eyes hold so much intensity that it makes my heart stop beating in my chest.

"I never said that." he says, his voice deep and low.

I swallow - hard. "No, you just never say anything to me. Like, at all."

"I'm talking to you right now."

"Hardly."

"What do you want? You want me to tell you my life story? You want to know every little detail about me?"

"I'd even settle for a big detail."

"Here's a big detail: I like alone time."

"I've literally only been here for five minutes. I didn't realize that was enough to constitute as ruining your alone time."

"Now you know."

This entire time I've been talking to Tony, and even since the start of the tour, I've tried my best to keep my composure. Whenever Tony was rude like this before, I chalked it up to him just being in a mood and I extended grace towards him because you never know when someone might need it, but now? Now I'm officially pissed off. He's treated me like dirt ever since I got here and now he's acting like talking to me is the worst punishment he could ever receive in life.

"Seriously, what the hell did I do?" I ask, my voice rising a little. "Did I offend you in some way that I'm not aware of? Because there has to be something."

Tony stays nonchalant and unbothered. "Nope."

"So, you're naturally this rude all the time?"

"Yep."

"I highly doubt that seeing as how you're just fine with Vic and Jaime."

"That's because they're my friends."

"Oh, so that's it. I'm not "in" yet," I say, finger quoting the word. "So that means I get shitty treatment."

"If that's what you want to believe, Kody, then, sure." he says.

"What else am I supposed to believe? You've been cold to me since day one and every time I try to bring it up or even talk to you, you shut me out. There isn't really any other way for me to get answers."

"Stop looking for them then."

"Or just tell me." I say. There's a certain desperation in my voice that I notice and hate. I hope Tony doesn't notice it either. He's so caught up in ignoring me I'm sure he won't notice if I was on fire.

"Not likely."

"Seriously? So, what, you're going to freeze me out for the rest of the tour?"

"Planned on it." Tony spits back.

"What happens if I join you guys for the next one? Or the one after that? You're not going to change your mind?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you won't be joining us for the next one. Or the one after that. Or the one after that."

"What?"

"You heard me."

I go to open my mouth to ask Tony what he means by this, but as soon as I open my mouth to speak, the answer comes slamming into me.

"I'm not joining because you don't want me there." I say slowly. "You don't even want me on this one but it's too late because it already started and you guys don't have the time to scramble to find a replacement."

"Bingo."

"So, my career stops here because you have some issue that you won't even speak about? How's that fair?"

Tony snaps. He swings his legs over the couch so that they're planted on the ground, facing me just as the rest of his body is. His phone that he was holding onto this whole time gets slammed down into the couch cushion beside his leg. It doesn't make a loud sound when it gets slammed down, but the meaning is still there.

"Nothing's fair." Tony says, his voice loud and angry. "But you're the only one walking around complaining about it, not me. I'm also not walking around begging for attention when-"

"I am not begging for attention." I say, cutting him off in the middle of his rant.

"Like fuck you aren't. Then on top of things, you brag about F-"

"Hey! What the hell is going on here?"

Both Tony and I turn our heads to see a very sleepy and pissed off Vic standing in the doorway to the lounge area. He flicks the lights on, making us all squint as they power on overhead.

"What the fuck are you guys yelling about?" Vic asks. "It's fucking 2am in the morning and you're waking everyone up with this bullshit."

I don't say anything, I'm too embarrassed about the fact that Vic has just caught Tony and I getting into a petty fight like we're 10 year olds. I'm also too worked up about the fact that Tony is a colossal asshole who is ruining my chance of getting a good job in an already tough industry - which he knows from experience, but it's still not stopping him from fucking me over.

Thankfully, I don't have to say anything anyway, because Tony is up off the couch and is talking to Vic, his back to me.

"I told you I didn't want her here." Tony says to Vic. I'm sure this conversation is supposed to be a private one, yet Tony is talking loud enough for me to hear - maybe intentionally. "Especially after-"

"She's with us, Tone." Vic says. "She's good at what she does, right?"

I hold my breath waiting for Tony's reply, even though I should've known by now not to expect anything good when it comes to Tony.

"Decent." he says after a couple of seconds.

"She's good. And she's here - to stay." Vic says to Tony. Vic steps out so he can look at both of us at once. "You guys need to find a way to get along or this is going to feel like the longest tour of everyone's live. Got it?"

Tony and I mumble in agreeance, which Vic takes as a victory. He tells us both to get to bed, leaving us each with a stern look before he goes back to the bunk area with Tony following behind him.

I stare after them, down the long and cold hall to the bunk area. I'm starting to feel like maybe joining the tour was a huge mistake. Like, it would be one thing if the tour was a couple of weeks long, but this is a world tour. A world tour is months long and it's nonstop. If this is how it's going to be the entire time I'm here then maybe I need to rethink my gameplan.

Chapter Text

"What're we doing here?"

Tony's voice is loud enough and panicked enough that all of us hear him from where we're all sitting in the back room. I glance over at Vic and Jaime who look at one another, grins on their face akin to the Chesire cat from Alice in Wonderland.

Shit. What's going on?

I get up from my spot on the couch and look out one of the numerous window's on the bus. We're in a parking lot to what looks like a strip mall, and right in front of us is a giant building with the words 'Escape Room' on it.

"Guys." I say, my voice wavering. "Did you really?"

"Yeah, we did!" Jaime says with an even bigger grin than before. He turns to Vic and high-fives him, the loud smack of their hands filling the entire bus. "We're doing team building exercises today, baby!"

"I'm not doing that." Tony says.

"That's where you're wrong, Tone." Jaime says. "We're all doing it, and we're all excited. Right, Kody?"

Everyone's eyes slide over to me. Vic and Jaime look at me excitedly, waiting for me to join in on the fun. Tony looks at me, silently begging me to tell the two of them that I don't want to do it either, which wouldn't be a lie. I sure as hell don't want to do this, but I also don't want Tony to get his way. He's making sure I'm getting fucked over, the least I can do is return the favour, right?

"I am very excited." I say, plastering on the most genuine grin I can.

"We haven't even told you the best part yet." Jaime says. He's buzzing with excitement to the point where I'm worried he might explode from it. "You guys get to partner up the entire day!"

"What?!" Tony and I say at the exact same time.

"No way, not doing this." Tony says. "Hell no."

"You're doing it." Vic says. "Henrietta's rules."

"Henrietta signed off on this?" Tony says in astonishment.

Henrietta is the manager for Pierce the Veil. She's a really laid back woman who never has anything bad to say about anyone. She also has the calmest yet harshest demeanor of anyone I've ever seen before. If she says something's happening, it's happening - no questions asked.

"She sure did." Jaime says smugly. "She thought it was a great idea."

Tony starts to argue again, telling everyone that he doesn't want to do this, he won't do this, and will never do this, but Vic cuts him off. Vic tells him that we either do this, or one of us sits out of each performance until we get better at being around one another.

"Any other complainers wanting to say something?" Vic asks, glancing just at Tony and I. We both stay silent. "Great, let's get to it then."

An half hour later, Tony and I find ourselves locked in small cages side by side. The bars on the side of the cage that joins us is big enough for us to loop something through, like the giant rope that we have at our feet.

As explained during the introduction to the escape room, the rope is to be used to get a key to unlock us from the cages. From there we need to find two keys, each in different hidden areas. One of the keys will unlock the escape room door, and only when it's unlocked will the timer stop.

So far, we've made no progress towards escaping at all. Tony and I sit in our cages, each of us as far as we can get from the other. The rope lays on the floor where it was when we first got in. Neither of us move, neither of us speak, not until I decide I have enough of sitting here.

"Give me your end of the rope." I say to Tony. He looks over at me, eyebrows raised in confusion. I point to the rope on his side of the cage. "The end over there. I need it."

"Use yours." he says.

"I need both of them. I think I can tie it together and get the key." I say, pointing to where the heavy, silver key is sitting in the middle of the room, right within almost reaching distance of our cages.

"Use your side to grab it." he says.

"I can't with just my side. It won't pull it in on my side." I tell him. "I need yours too."

Tony doesn't respond to me. He lays his head back against the cold stone wall behind us and closes his eyes like he's ready to take a nap. His hands are clasped together on his lap as he twiddles his thumbs like this is some type of leisure time and not a team building exercise that him and I are supposed to be doing together.

I tell myself to let it go. There's a timer on the wall counting down how long we have to do this challenge. Out of an hour, we have 48 long minutes left. That's 48 minutes we could use to both sit here nearly side by side and just do nothing, letting the people who run this come free us once we fail, or we can use our brains right now, get out, and spend the rest of the time apart from one another in freedom.

Personally, I think it's an obvious choice as to which of these scenarios I prefer, but Tony doesn't seem to be sharing that same sentiment. He looks perfectly content closing his eyes and pretending like I'm not here at all.

Sighing, I decide to do the same as Tony. I wiggle back so my back is flush with the wall and then I lean my head back and close my eyes.

It's quiet here. We can faintly hear the sound of Jaime and Vic talking in their escape room that's down the hall from ours. It's so quiet we can't make out what they're saying, though, it's just mumbled, muted words. On top of that, the sound of the fan in our room is softly blowing, creating a calming noise. I see why Tony wanted to rest here now.

I let myself fully relax into the environment, accepting the fact that we're going to be here until our time runs out.

"I kind of like it in here." I mumble quietly to Tony, breaking the silence between us. "I like the quiet."

I expect a rude response from Tony, however, it doesn't come. When he answers me, there's not a hint of anger of rudeness from him.

"It's nice." Tony replies before quickly adding. "The quiet."

"Yeah." I agree softly. "It's rare to have these days."

"Quiet?"

"Yeah. Everywhere you go there's noise, whether it's people talking, music, traffic, whatever. There's always noise."

"You don't like the noise?"

I shrug, even though I know Tony isn't looking at me to see it. "I do, but I also like quiet once in a while. It's the nothingness of it that I think I like."

"The nothingness." Tony repeats.

"Like, the void of it. Quiet is empty, right?"

I crack my eyes open to steal a glance at Tony. As expected, his position hasn't changed at all. His head is forever against the wall and his eyes remain shut. The only thing that's stopped are his twiddling thumbs. Now his hands lay flat against the ground, like he's bracing himself for something.

"I never thought of quiet like that." Tony says.

"How do you think of it?"

Tony's head shifts to the side a little as he thinks. "I don't know, I think of quiet as quiet. The absence of sound."

"Void." I say.

"I guess."

Neither Tony or I follow up with more. I think we both realized that this is our first full conversation we've had that hasn't ended in one of us getting upset, so we'd both rather not push our luck by saying anything else.

That, and, well, there's only so much you can say about the quiet. I don't have any other good conversation starters locked away either, so as much as I want to continue our peaceful talk, I don't have any other points to add in.

I pull my gaze away from Tony to peak at the time in front of us. We've officially managed to waste 11 minutes of time, leaving us with a whopping 37 more minutes to get out of our cages.

They may as well pull our time now, we're not getting out of h-

"Here."

I look over to see that Tony is holding his end of the rope out for me. The pale, tan rope stands out from the tattooed hands offering it to me. I sit there, staring at the rope, not grabbing it until Tony clears his throat. Only then do I extend my hand out and grab the offering.

"Thanks." I say, grabbing the rope and threading it through the bars between us.

"We might as well try, right?" Tony says. "Otherwise we're stuck here."

"For at least another 30 minutes." I say as I glance up at the timer that now has 34 minutes left on it.

I tie both sides of the rope together so they form a circle. The rope itself is still bolted into the cage, so we can't move the entire thing. Instead I need to push myself against the front of the cage and throw the rope with all the power I can manage so it can just barely wrap around the key.

The first couple of attempts are weak. On the first one, I miss completely. The rope lands right in front of the key, not even touching it. The next couple of tries after that I manage to at least touch the key, but the rope doesn't even land partially over it.

By my sixth or seventh try, Tony pipes up.

"Let me try it." he says.

He's moved from his spot on the wall. Now he's closer to my side of the cage and he's almost pressed up against the front of the cage on his side. I hadn't realized because I was so focused, but he had been watching me the entire time. Th thought causes me to blush a little, pink colouring my already warm cheeks.

"I'm not able to get enough momentum." I say to Tony as I thread the rope over onto his side of the cage. "Hopefully you can do it."

"I'll try."

Tony bunches up rope as much as he can, takes a small step back, then hurls the rope towards the key as he steps forward with the momentum. The rope, like it did for me, lands right before the key, but not on it.

Judging by the frown on Tony's face, I'd say he was expecting to have got it first try.

"You thought it was easier, didn't you?" I joke.

To my absolute astonishment, this gets a laugh out of Tony. It's not a big laugh by any means, it's a small half chuckle, but it's something.

"I thought it'd be way easier." Tony says.

He pulls the rope back and grabs it all in his arms again before doing the same thing he did before, only this time, the rope lands over the key.

"You got it!" I yell in excitement.

"Not yet." Tony says. He's still calm, not even a smile on his face as he stares down the key. "I still need to pull it forward."

"Just go slow."

"Obviously." he says, tone sharp. I guess he realizes that his tone was rude, because a second after he looks at me and says "Sorry."

"Yeah, it's fine." I say, waving it off like it's nothing, but truthfully I'm jumping for joy right now.

Tony is actually talking to me right now, and more than that, he's laughed at something I said and apologized for something he said. If you told me a week ago that I would feel like I don't have to walk on eggshells near Tony for even an hour, I would've told you that it's impossible, yet here we are.

From beside me, Tony is in the process of trying to drag the key forward toward us. He moves slow and steady, pulling the rope close in the same way someone would handle broken glass - painfully careful and ever so carefully.

Just as the key passes what looks to be the halfway point, the rope slips over it.

"Shit." Tony says. "I'll try again."

Since the key has been moved closer to us, Tony doesn't have to throw the rope as far to wrap the rope around it now. His first attempt after dragging the rope back in is successful, he wraps it around the key and pulls it into us again.

I watch as the key - and our freedom - inches closer and closer to us, until eventually it's close enough to reach. Tony drops the rope while still keeping it around the key in case of anything, and leans down and reaches out for it which proves successful.

"Good job." I say to Tony as he picks it up.

"You're the one who had the idea to tie the rope together." he says. He hands the key over to me through our cages. "Want to do the honour?"

"Oh." I say, caught off-guard by this kind offer. "Sure. Thanks"

I grab the key from him and unlock my door, angling my hand so I can put the key through the padlock on the outside. Much to my delight, it springs free. I unloop the padlock from the door and my door swings open, allowing me freedom. I head over to Tony's side and unlock his door, opening it up for him to step out.

Now that we're free, we both take the time to look around the room to find the other items or codes needed to get out of the room. I take the left side of the room while Tony takes the right, both of us quietly looking.

My first thought is that there's something in the bottles on the floor. There's six bottles all lined up beside this one shelf. When I try to pick one up, it doesn't move, but the others do.

"Hey, I think I have something." I call to Tony. "I can't lift one of these bottles for whatever reason."

"Weird." he says as he walks over to me. "I didn't find anything on my end."

"It's this ones." I say, pointing to the bottle that won't leave it's spot on the ground. "It's like it's glued or something."

"Maybe there's a sequence." Tony muses out loud. "Pick up each one, one at a time starting at the end. I'll see if I can lift this one as you pick the others up."

I drop down into a squat position so I'm close to the bottles. One by one, I pick a bottle up and Tony tries to pick the "stuck" one up. I hold my breath for the first couple, but by the third one I'm losing hope. The fourth is to no avail, and the fifth doesn't budge either. Tony and I study the bottles in confusion.

"Maybe this isn't even part of the escape room." I say to Tony. "Maybe it's genuinely stuck."

"Or we didn't break the sequence." he says.

I stand up from my squatting position and study the bottles again. The sixth one, the one I can't lift, is right by the cabinet - it's maybe half an inch away from touching it. I look at the cabinet to try and see if there's any signs that the bottle is tied into it somehow, and low and behold, the same symbol on the bottle is also on one of the drawers of the cabinet.

I pull the cabinet drawer with the sticker forward and turn to Tony. "Try picking it up again."

Looking skeptical, Tony does what he's told. He leans down, grabs the bottle and pulls, and it comes up!

"Nice." Tony says. He leans down and grabs another silver key, this one smaller than the one before. "No chance this is escape key, right?"

"Probably not." I say. "Should try it anyway to be sure."

As Tony goes over to try the door, I sneak a quick glance at the clock. We have 12 minutes remaining in this room, which means 12 minutes to find our way out and win the escape room.

I imagine by now Vic and Jaime had made it out. I stopped hearing their voices a little while ago, right around the time Tony and I managed to get out of our cages. I'm sure Vic and Jaime managed to make it out right away due to the fact that they have great teamwork. Hopefully after all this, Tony and I have great teamwork too.

"Doesn't work." Tony calls over to me. "It probably opens something to get the key."

Both Tony and I scan the room to look for somewhere where a key would fit in. It's a small key, smaller than the average key, so it needs to go into a smaller space. I glance over at a handful of things the key could realistically fit into, like the fire hydrant on the wall, the small hamster cages that are lining the back wall, the light switch even or maybe even the possibly real, possibly fake electrical panel on the back wall.

I tell Tony about all the things I think the key might fit into, and he begins trying them out as I begin scouring the rest of the room for any place where the key might fit.

"At least we made it this far." I say to Tony as I inspect the staircase that leads up into a concrete wall.

"It's further than I thought we'd get." he admits.

"Same."

I climb down the stairs and look around again, trying to find something we may have missed. By this point, though, I think we've tried everywhere, and we only have three minutes left to spare. If we're going to find this, we need to find it - quick.

"I think I got something." Tony calls out.

He's over by the table in the middle of the room, the one with a chess board, a game of Yahtzee and two hourglasses along with a ton of random papers. In Tony's hand is one of the chess pieces flipped upside down, and under the piece is a place to put the key. Tony puts it in and turns. Nothing happens.

"Do they all have this?" I ask, flipping over other pieces that are blank underneath. "What the hell?"

I'm about to launch into more complaints when the chessboard on the table flies open, sending chess pieces spewing around the table. In the middle of the chessboard lays yet another key, but this key looks like it fits in the door.

"I think we got it." Tony says to me. For the first time since I've known him, there's a smile on his face, a genuine, real smile. I almost lose my mind at the sight of it. "Come on, we'll try it out. We have...a minute and 10 seconds left."

Eagerly we head over to the door. Tony puts the key in slowly, almost like he's afraid to see what'll happen. He twists it while we look at one another, and then almost miracle-like, the sound of the door unlocking fills our ears. I glance back at the clock and see that it's stopped with a time of 0:52 on the clock.

Even though the door is opened, Tony doesn't move and neither do I. We both stand there, realizing that although we eventually had a good time in the room, this doesn't change much. Tony still doesn't like me, and for that, I'm not a huge fan of him either. Still, we did good together, and that means we can at least work together from now on - or try really hard to.

"You, um, did really good." I say to Tony. "We would've never made it out if it weren't for you."

"Same to you. You got us through most." Tony says. "Good job."

Tony holds his hand out for a high-five, which I quickly oblige to. The second his hand meets mine, I feel this weird jolt of energy rush between the two of us. His hand on mine is sending me more electricity than I've felt in years - and I have no idea what it means or why it's happening, but clearly I'm not alone in feeling it.

Tony is staring at me with an unreadable look, his hand still on mine. Both of us are holding our breath as we stay frozen in time, and then as if being splashed with cold water, Tony pulls back. His entire posture changes from its relaxed state back to that guarded one he always has on when he's around me.

"Ready to get out of here?" Tony asks, breaking our weird silence.

Silently I nod at him then step out the door, back into reality, only now reality feels a little better.

God I hope it keeps up.

Chapter Text

Having my siblings on the tour bus a couple of days ago was the best part of this tour so far. Getting to show them where I spend most of my time and how was a highlight for me. Just sharing that small part of my life kept me floating for a couple of days.

After that, I didn't think I could feel better, but then Tony and I were put in that escape room together and actually did amazing at it. Tensions have been lifted, only a little, but enough for it to feel great, and now I'm having another amazing experience. They do say it comes in threes.

I can barely contain my excitement as I bounce towards the tour bus, ready to share the experience with the band.

"Guys?" I yell onto the bus as I take the first step up the stairs. "I have a surprise!"

As expected, I hear their voices float through the bus, coming closer to where we are. One thing I love about the guys is how genuinely excited they get about surprises. I can tell them I have a surprise in my hand, and they all think its chocolate or candy, and they all get excited. Every. Single. Time.

Today's surprise is a little more exciting than a sweet treat - at least for me it is. The absolute love of my life, the man of my dreams, trails behind me, his hand on my ass as we walk up the steps of the bus.

"Wait here." I whisper to Freddie. "Come up in thirty seconds."

He winks at me in way of response.

Grinning, I climb the last step of the stairs and stand on the landing which is the "entry" to the kitchen. All three guys are eagerly waiting there, anticipation on their faces as they wait for their surprise.

"I'd kill for a Mars bar right now." Jaime says. "I'd actually kill for one. Murder. I mean it."

"Me too, but for Pez." Tony says.

"What if I said it's better than those two combined?" I ask them, huge grin on my face.

"Anything would be better than those two combined." Vic retorts. "That'd be fucking gross."

I roll my eyes at him. "You know what I mean."

"Have at it then. What's the surprise?" Vic asks.

I don't hear Freddie come up the stairs, but judging from the look on the guy's faces, he's standing right behind me. It's confirmed a second later when I feel warm, calloused hands slide up my arms.

I can hardly pay attention to it, though, because in front of me I have three really shocker faces staring at the man behind me. Jaime - bless his soul - is trying the hardest to act like he's happy. His face is frozen halfway between a surprised face and a forced smile. Clearly, he wants to grin and try to be happy, but his reaction is stronger than any forged response he's trying to force.

Vic is almost as bad as Jaime. His face is completely blank, his brows furrowed together. He stares at Freddie as if he's just actually murdered someone for a Mars bar. It's only when he meets my eyes that a very small, very forced smile comes onto his face. It wavers, daring to drop, and then he widens it, making it all that much worse.

The actual worst, though? Tony. Tony stares at Freddie like he wants to set him on fire. His usual angry demeanor is worse than I've ever seen it before. He's biting onto one side of his bottom lip, anger taking over all of his features. Even his body is squared up like he's ready for a fight.

I notice all of this in a span of ten seconds, just long enough for Freddie to detach himself from me and begin his greetings to the still shocked guys.

"It's been long, brother." Freddie says to Vic, throwing his arms around him.

Vic hugs him back because that's who Vic is. Over his shoulder, though, Vic shoots me a warning look. It's a look that says, "you shouldn't have done this", and it makes me nervous.

Freddie turns to Jaime next, throwing his arms around him too. Unlike Vic, Jaime fully accepts the hug and leans into it, patting Freddie on the back like they're best friends who are reconnecting after years of not talking.

When Freddie lets go of Jaime, he turns to Tony, but he doesn't hug him. He doesn't even go in for it. Nope, instead, he holds his hand out for Tony, and Tony doesn't take it.

"Tone." Freddie says, his voice even. "Time to put the past behind us, yeah?"

Tony glares at him, ignoring the still outstretched hand between the two of them. "Not likely."

Freddie tsks at Tony. "Let bygones be bygones, Tone. Grudges are windows into anger."

For the first time since Freddie has appeared on the bus, Tony takes his eyes off of him. Downside? His eyes are on me now, and they're angry. They're as angry as they were when he first met me and every day up until we had our escape room time together. I think whatever progress we had been making as just been undone and I have no clue as to why.

"What the fuck is he doing on our bus, Kody?" Tony asks me, my name sounding like a bad name in his mouth as he glares at me.

I stare wide eyed at Jaime and Vic, looking for an answer. Even just a clue would do at this point because I'm lost as fuck as to what's going on.

Neither guy is of help. They both look at me, shaking their heads ever so slightly.

"I, um, thought-"

"It's called romance, my friend." Freddie says, cutting me off to answer Tony. "You've heard of it, yeah?"

I swear Tony is gearing up to swing on Freddie when Jaime steps in. He throws an arm around Tony, thus stopping him from moving and putting space between Freddie and Tony.

"We're going out." Jaime declares to the group. "We're meeting some friends of ours at this friend's house nearby."

I'd never call him out for it, but it seems like he's lying. It seems like there are no friends and no one's house they're going to, it's an excuse to leave Freddie and I behind.

"Yeah, I forgot about that." Vic says quickly, adding to Jaime's lie. "We're late, actually."

"Ready to go now?" Jaime asks, looking pointedly at Vic and Tony. "I'm ready now."

"Super ready." Vic agrees quickly. "Tone? Ready?"

"Yeah."

The guys file out the bus one after another, going so fast you would think the bus is contagious or something. No one even bothers to stop and grab their charging phones or a sweater in case it's cold out since it's now nighttime.

Nope, they grab nothing and say nothing else, they just scurry off leaving Freddie and I standing there in the kitchen area.

"What the fuck was that about?" I ask Freddie.

Freddie shrugs at me then turns around and helps himself to the drink Jaime left behind. The look on his face tells me that he doesn't really care about what just happened, he's not fazed.

Sometimes it's easy for me to forget about how famous Freddie was - and still is. He's used to seeing weirder shit on a daily basis. He's seen people overdose on drugs, he's seen people taking their own life, he's seen crazed fans. He's not going to care about three guys acting weird. Compared to what he's seen, the three guys probably seemed normal to him.

I try and adopt the mindset. Who cares if the guys were weird, it doesn't faze me either. I'm standing here on my tour bus with my boyfriend. It's a good night no matter how weird my bandmates are.

"So, what should we do now that we're all alone on the bus?"

Freddie grins at me, that same boy-ish grin that first made me fall for him.

"I have some ideas."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pleaseee give me some names for the character in my next fic. No idea what her personality is like yet so any kind of name will do.

Thxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Text

I thought after the escape room experience that Tony and I were on a new understanding with one another. For a day or two it seemed like it was that way. Tony even smiled at me during the middle of our show the night afterward.

As it turns out, having Freddie over seemed to have taken all that progress away. Tony is right back to giving me the cold shoulder again. He passes by me in the hall at venues or in the bus without saying a word or even bothering to glance over at me. He stopped coming into the same area as me, stopped listening when I talked.

Everything I worked so hard for is taken away and we're back at square one, and the worst part is, I don't even know why. I thought things were good. I thought the weirdness and the cold shoulder days were over.

Even now it's weird. All four of us decided to hit the town tonight since we don't have a show and we're not travelling. In my head, we would all party together and have a good time, but it turns out that's not at all what's happening today.

Vic and I are sitting together at bar counter of a very, very quiet bar. There isn't any crowds forming around the bar and there's not an overkill of sound, so we sit there on our phones, glancing at the TV every once in a while as we nurse our drinks.

Jaime and Tony are both on a different vibe than Vic and I. Jaime is at a different bar down the street last we knew of. It's this bar with slots, something Jaime apparently has a weird knack for. We tried to get him to come join us at this bar, but he insisted that the slots were calling his name tonight, so off he went and we haven't heard from him since.

Tony, on the other hand, joined us at the quiet bar we're at, but he had a different plan in mind than Vic and I's casual one. Immediately as we get into the bar, Tony ordered ten shots, downed them all, grabbed a way too strong drink then went off to sulk in a booth on his own.

Even now, an hour later, Tony is sitting alone in the booth, drink in hand as he continues to sulk about God knows what.

I watch him, my stomach churning as a weird pit forms in my stomach over Tony and his emotions. I know I should mind my business, but before I know it, I'm turning to Vic.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask him.

Vic glances over at me. "Go for it."

"It's kind of...personal."

He looks at me skeptically, but he doesn't back down. "Give me your best."

As a lead singer of a famous band, I should've figured that Vic's heard it all already. Especially considering the fact that the bands main audience for the longest time has been teenaged girls, Vic and the other guys have definitely been asked some way too personal questions before.

Still, I'm not a teenaged girl, I'm a bandmate and the last thing I want is to cross any personal boundaries. And yet...

"What happened with Tony?"

Vic blinks at me. "What do you mean?"

I give him a look. "You know what I mean."

Vic's eyes trail over to where Tony is sitting. He's sat alone at a booth, a couple of empty glasses on the table in front of him and a very full glass in his hand, pressed to his lips. He has his phone propped up on one of the glasses and is scrolling almost absent mindedly on it. He's completely oblivious to the world around him, and from the look on his face, I'd say he's also completely drunk.

Vic looks back at me, his face grim. "He's going through some stuff."

"Obviously, but what?"

"That's not really my place to say." Vic says.

Vic's right and we both know it. Even though Tony may be going through hell and back and it's impacting me, it's not Vic's place to divulge whatever hell it is Tony is going through. I should respect Vic's answer and Tony's privacy, and I should wait until Tony tells me himself. But we all know that won't happen. Tony won't tell me anything - ever. Plus, I'm nosy and I have an idea of what it is already, so I go in for the kill. Vic doesn't have to answer me, but his reaction may be enough for me to gauge if I'm right.

"It's Mike, right?" I say to Vic, watching him intently. "The whole thing that happened, him leaving the band. It messed Tony up."

As expected, Vic's gaze hardens. His jaw tightens and he swallows - hard. At this point, Vic doesn't even need to tell me I'm right, that body language response was enough of a confirmation already.

"It's more than that." Vic says. His gaze slides back to Tony who still has his drink to his lips, only now the glass is more than half empty. "Tony was going through stuff already when everything happened."

I sit with that information for a bit. Tony was going through stuff already when the entire Mike situation went down. Even though I obviously have no clue as to what was going on in Tony's life at the time - or even now - I have a weird suspicion as to who else may have been involved.

Tony's reaction, along with the rest of the guys, to Freddie the other day was weird. Weird is actually an understatement for how they acted. Even weirder, I know they've all toured together before, so I thought they'd be excited to see Freddie. It looks like something went on before with all of them, something I don't know.

I decide to test this out on Vic. He'll give me some semblance of an answer even if it's not the entire thing I'm looking for, at least it'll be a start.

"Does Freddie have to do with it?" I ask, trying to keep my voice as innocent sounding as possible.

"Maybe."

I'm old enough to know that "maybe" when you ask for something, is a no, but when you're asking a question someone doesn't want you to know the answer to, maybe means yes.

So, yes, my boyfriend is a reason as to why Tony is the way he is. Knowing Freddie's past, I know that he's most likely done more damage than good, and it seems like Tony must have got the worst of it.

It hurts my heart, not only knowing that someone I love could do something so terrible, whatever it is, but it also hurts to see the consequences of those actions. As it turns out, those feelings linger and they can fester deep down into you if untreated. Lucky for us, Tony is treating it with alcohol.

"You're not going to tell me what happened though, right?" I say to Vic.

A small smirk forms on his lips. "Not even a single detail."

"Just tell me this. Is it bad?"

Vic doesn't answer right away. He stops, his drink midway from the table to his mouth, and he glances over at me.

"It's not great." he says.

I was hoping the answer wouldn't be that, yet I still knew it would be.

When I first met Freddie, he was fully off the deep end. The whole "rockstar" image thing of drugs, women and alcohol was his life. He would throw these massive ragers at his place. There would be enough drugs to kill an entire herd of elephants, enough alcohol to fill an ocean, and the amount of people there was beyond belief.

I remember the very first party of his I went to. I walked into the house with my sister beside me, both of us excited to party in a chill environment, only to find people doing drugs off of one another right in the foyer. I was ready to leave in that second, and I would've too, only when I turned to leave, Freddie was standing right behind my sister and I, a charming smile on his face and drug residue on his upper lip.

I'm not quiet sure how it happened, maybe it was his charm or the fact that I was new in the industry and felt the need to prove myself, but I ended up staying at that party. I didn't partake in any party favours no matter how much times someone offered them up to me, but I did watch Freddie go line for line that night.

Afterwards I vowed I wouldn't step foot in that house again. I told myself I was going to steer clear of any and all parties in the industry because I didn't want to get roped into anything. Imagine my surprise when Freddie called me a day later, asking me to come over again. I told him no, told him I didn't want that life for me. He told me he'd turn it around, he just needed a little help from someone who believed in him. I guess I was that someone because two years later we're still together and Freddie, although not sober, has dialed down the partying to a regular amount.

Even though he's calmed down, it's clear that Freddie has made a lot of mistakes at the expense of other people, and even though Freddie himself may not remember it, the people at the losing end of the situation - like Tony - definitely haven't forgotten.

I glance back over at Tony who's getting another drink delivered to him by the bartender. I don't know what number glass he's on, and I don't think I want to.

"Should I go talk to him or something?" I ask Vic, my eyes still on the sad looking drunk guy alone in the booth.

"Nah, let him be." Vic says. "He'll be fine."

I feel my heart sink in my chest a little. Yeah, he'll be fine...but when? And how long have people been saying that about him only for him to continue to not be fine?

Men often don't put the effort into relationships like women do. Men often don't check up on their friends or talk about their feelings together, which is a very important thing that people need to do together.

As good as the guys are at checking in with one another, it's usually centered around their energy levels, not how they feel. They say they're tired from performing, not tired from the responsibilities placed on them or the drain they feel from being away from home for so long.

Because of this, everything in my body wants to go over and talk to Tony about what's going on. I want to hear his feelings and why he feels that exact way. I want to know where he's standing at emotionally at this very moment.

But I don't. I stay in my seat like a coward and I watch Tony down drink after drink to drown sorrow after sorrow, and eventually when it's too much for me, I go back to the bus where it's quiet and I don't have to watch anyone poison themself and I tune out my own emotions just like I've taught myself to do for years now.

Chapter Text

When I was younger, I had horrible, horrible insomnia. Sometimes I would stay up for two days straight because of it. At its worst, I stayed up for 52 hours. I still remember it too. It was my last year of high school, and I was studying for upcoming exams. 

I was up late, like until 3am trying to study. I told myself that it was enough, it was time to get some sleep, only once I got into bed, I found that sleep wasn't coming easy that night. I tossed and turned, checking the time every once in a while, until finally the sun started coming up and it was 7am. 

I went off to class, eager to finish it so I could drag my tired body back to bed, but that moment didn't come. It took hours upon tired hours to finally fall asleep, and I only managed to because I let Adam roll me an indica dominant joint. 

As I got older, the insomnia thing got better. I was still a night owl, but I was a night owl who could fall asleep eventually. Each night I ended up clocking in a solid five or six hours of sleep, and that was good enough for me. I managed on that amount because at least I was getting some.

Tonight seems to not be one of those nights. I got into my bunk around 1 which is an early night for me, but I figured I could use it. We've had a show every night since last Thursday. We're putting out a ton of energy, and we've been going out afterwards to celebrate too, thus using even more energy, so I deemed tonight an early night. Imagine my surprise when I couldn't actually fall asleep.

At 3:27am I decided to finally call it. I jumped out my bunk, fully charged phone in hand, and headed for the empty lounge room, closing the door and lights behind me.

I scrolled all the social media platforms I'm on and even downloaded some entertaining and educational games like sudoku and chess. 

I'm halfway through losing a chess game when the door to the lounge opens up. I jump from my spot underneath the blankets and peer out. In the darkness it's hard to make out who it is, however, I know for a fact that Jaime and Vic are asleep in their bunks, so unless they're having sleep problems like I am, it means Tony is in here with me.

A confirmation is given seconds later when Tony accidentally bumps into the coffee table, swearing as he does. 

I watch as he flops onto the other couch, and as he does, I realize that he doesn't know I'm here, so I let him know.

"Hey." I say quietly, not wanting to startle him.

"Shit." Tony says, straightening up on the couch. "I didn't see you here."

He stays propped up, looking towards me but not saying anything. I'm guessing he wanted to be alone and me being here has thrown his plan off.

"I can go if you want?" I offer.

"No. No, you're fine." he says. He lays back down and closes his eyes. His hands are on his chest like how they pose dead bodies at funerals. "Why are you up so late?"

"I can't sleep."

"Stress?"

"No, not even. I don't know what it is, actually, just know some nights I spend more time tossing and turning than sleeping." I explain to him. "The good ole insomnia, you know?"

"Hm." he says.

Silence falls between the two of us. I don't know what to say to him and I doubt he wants me to keep talking anyways. Since I've known Tony, his goal has been to spend as little time with me as possible and say as little to me as he can.

It sucks, especially considering the fact that he's not like that with anyone else. I've watched him when he's with other people, he's like a completely different person. He laughs; he jokes around. He puts his arm around people, he fools around. He's a fun guy when he's with anyone else but me, and even though I put on my best face and pretend like it doesn't bother me, it does.

It's the worst to know that the version you're getting of someone isn't the real version of them, but is the version they're giving you. It sucks knowing Tony is fun and makes good jokes and goes out of his way for people, but he wouldn't even stop and help me if he saw me laying half dead in the middle of the road. Actually, he probably would stop just so he could watch me die.

"You want to play Mario Kart?"

The words catch me by surprise so much so that for a second, I believe that I'd imagined them. It's only when Tony clears his throat several seconds later that I realize he did in fact speak them out loud and it wasn't my imagination.

"Um," I say, glancing around to see if he's talking to someone else but it's just him and I in the room. "Me?"

Tony repositions himself so he can see me. "Who else would I be talking to?"

"I don't know...literally anyone else? You hate me, remember?"

"I don't hate you." he says. "Besides, everyone else is asleep and I want to play Mario Kart. You in?"

A small smile finds its way to my face. Tony can't see it in the pure darkness of the room, but just in case, I bite my lip to stop it. I don't want him to see how excited I am over him asking me to do something with him.

"Sure." I say, trying my best to keep my voice calm and collected.

Tony swings his legs off the couch and carefully gets up as to not hit the table again. He goes over to the Nintendo Switch that the guys have hooked up and grabs both Joy-Cons. He pairs each so they're individuals and tosses me the red one, second player just like I'm used to.

With the TV now on, I can finally see Tony's face. Even though I shouldn't for multiple reasons, I let myself revel at how attractive Tony is. Being on the top of his shit list, it usually makes it hard for me to consider Tony anything other than a rude guy I work with, but here, alone with him at 4am playing video games, I let myself admire him. 

The dark circles under his eyes would drive some people away, but it drives me crazy in the best way possible. It just adds to the look of him. It ties in well with the dark, almost floppy hair and the full body tattoos he has. 

"You any good?"

I blink, pulling myself from the thoughts I was having. Tony is staring at me, brows furrowed, probably wondering why the fuck I was staring at him. 

"Am I good?" I repeat, trying to figure out what that means. Tony shoots me another questioning look at this, and like an idiot, I realize what he meant. "Oh, at the game. You'll have to find our firsthand."

"That's a no." he mumbles under his breath more to himself than to me.

"It's a yes." I say. "I didn't want to be cocky is all."

"Be cocky all you want, you're still going to lose." Tony tells me.

The screen in front of us switches from the Start to the character selection. Tony chooses Yoshi with zero hesitation, and I select Princess Daisy. Even though she's seen as a "second" pick kind of character, like the one you choose because someone already chose Peach, Daisy is actually my favourite. I think it's due to the fact that I've never liked blondes, I prefer darker hair, but it could also be because I never cared enough to fight over Peach with anyone before, so I adapted at a young age.

Tony lets me choose where we're racing since he invited me to play. He also told me that it doesn't matter which one I pick, I'm losing anyways. I told him he was wrong, and yet as soon as we started the race, I forgot to press on the gas and instantly got left behind in the dust by Tony and everyone else. Because of this, I lose the first game. Bad. I crawl in at a mere fifth place and I watch as Tony tries hard not to gloat. Turns out he's a sore winner somehow, like that's possible.

By our third race I almost beat him. I had a strong start and got lucky along the way, I was moving in for the win when I got blasted by one of the NPC characters. Tony tells me not to worry too much, he was going to sabotage me anyway so he could win. I tell him I don't care for his un-sportsmanship behaviour, and I try not to grin too much when he laughs at that. 

The next game is played in total silence except for a couple of game/shit talking remarks. It's only when the fifth game starts that I get the courage to ask Tony something that's been weighing on my mind since the other night.

"Can I ask you something?" I say to him as the race starts.

He doesn't even take his eyes off the screen but somehow, he can tell this is a deep question.

"Is it personal?"

"Yeah, kind of."

"Then no."

I don't have any follow up answer to that. What am I even supposed to say? Okay? Why? Am I supposed to just move on to another topic, or do I focus on the game and pretend like it doesn't bother me?

I opt for the second option, when all of a sudden, Tony pipes up.

"Fine, what is it?" he says.

"No, you said no." I reply, pretending like it's not bothering me to not ask him.

"Now I'm saying yes, so ask me."

I give Tony a sideways glance in way of silently giving him one last chance to rescind his response. When he doesn't, I go ahead with my burning question.

"Why'd you get black out drunk the other day?"

"When? At the bar in Memphis?"

"Yeah."

Tony blasts me with a shell, sending me spinning in the air. "I wasn't black out drunk."

"Okay, but you know what I mean."

Again, the silence envelopes us. It hangs between us, thick and heavy in the dead silent night until Tony sighs a long, deep sigh.

"I've been dealing with some stuff. I'm not dealing with it in necessarily the healthiest way, but I'm dealing with it. Or at least trying to."

"Like, the Mike thing?" I ask. "That's what you've been dealing with?"

"That. Some other things too." Tony says. The finish line is in sight now and I'm just crawling up behind him, close enough to take the lead until he blasts with me a backwards shell and sends me up in the air again. We watch as he soars through the finish line with ease. "I think I'm gonna call it a night."

"Wait!" I say desperately as he stands up. "I, um, I want to play again."

"You've lost five in a row, you trying for a record or something?"

"No, I just like playing, and I know I can win."

Tony glances wearily from his discarded remote to me. He runs a hand through his dark hair, letting it fall messily around his face. It's weird, but something inside me likes the way he does that with his hair. 

"You don't want to play again; you just want to keep talking so I can tell you my problems." he says.

"Is that so wrong?"

He hesitates. A moment of silence hangs between us, the answering lingering in the balance of time.

"Yeah."

"Why? We're in the same band, we travel all the time on the bus together and we've gone on multiple nights out together, yet we never talk."

By this point I'm fully sat up on the couch, facing him and focused solely on him. His body is outlined by a light somewhere on the bus, making it so I can only see a silhouette of him,

"You ever think that maybe it's for the best?" he says to me.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Tony doesn't hesitate. "Nothing."

"It's discernibly not nothing."

"For tonight it is." he says, turning to leave again. He slides the door open, takes a step out, then turns back to me. "Audio books help. For the sleep thing."

"Do they?"

"They worked for me." he says before fully stepping out and closing the door behind him, leaving me alone again in the dark room.

With Tony gone, I play one more race by myself in way of practice. This time, I come in first. I watch Daisy sail through the finish line way above everyone else, but this win doesn't feel like a real one, so I shut the game off and lay back on the couch, eyes closed.

I let my thoughts drift to Tony. I replay all interactions we've had together, the good and the bad - especially the bad. The entire time I've known him, he's been rude to me, but it's not in a cruel way. It's almost like he's holding me at arms distance from him. He starts shit to put a rift between the two of us, to make sure that we're not on the same page - or even on the same book sometimes.

I think of everything for so long that eventually my brain gets tired and my eyes start to drift shut. Even though I don't need the help, I find myself putting an audio book on, the volume on the lowest bar it can go to, and just like that, I drift off to sleep.

Chapter Text

As a sweet surprise for doing so well on my first world tour, Freddie decided to come up and visit me. His original plan was to surprise me during the meet and greet at the venue before the show, however he greatly underestimated how well I am at recognizing people.

As soon as I stepped off the bus at the back of the venue, I saw him all the way down the street, smoking a cigarette as he leaned on the venue building, his hat shading most of his face but still not enough that I didn't recognize him.

Just in case it turned out I was seeing things that weren't really there, I gave him a call as confirmation. He picked up right away and told me he wasn't in Naw Haven where we are, yet in the distance I could see him whirling around trying to find me. 

I rolled my eyes at how ridiculously cute he was before letting him know that he was found out and he might as well come over to me now. The guys groaned in back at me, either at the lovey-dovey part or the Freddie of it all, but I paid no attention. My boyfriend came up to see me as a sweet surprise, I wasn't going to let three cynical men damper my mood.

From there we went on do to the meet and greet while Freddie waited in the dressing room for me. Luckily the signings always fly by so before I knew it, we all retreated to wait in the dressing room for when we'd be called up for the show.

About an hour into waiting, Jaime and Vic stepped out to go watch the bands on stage. Tony, Freddie and I stayed behind. Tony, because he's seen the band multiple times now, Freddie and I because, well, we don't get a lot of time together these days.

Even before I left on tour we weren't getting a lot of time together. Freddie was working on a new project with a possible band. They put together a demo to see for themselves and for records if they liked it. I think it took a total of four or five months between finding the appropriate people, writing the songs, recording and putting everything together.

Almost as soon as the demo was done, I left on tour which means I've spent most of this year not seeing my boyfriend. A sad, cruel life indeed.

But now I get to make up for it. I'm snuggled up beside Freddie on the couch, my body leaning into his as my head rests on his chest. His arm is around my shoulders, pulling me into him as we both sit there on our phones. 

None of us have said anything in several minutes - especially not Tony - when Freddie decides to break the silence.

"So, Tone, how's Candice? Is she here?" Freddie asks Tony, looking around the room as if to try and find this woman.

I have never heard the name Candice once on my entire time on this bus. I've never heard that name from Freddie either, and at this point I've met most, if not all, of Freddie's people in his circle.

I'm about to tell Freddie that I think he's got the name wrong or wrong band when Tony speaks up before I can.

"We're not together anymore." Tony says, tone cold as ice. He has the expression to match, too.

"Funny, last time I saw her, you weren't with her either." Freddie retorts. He has this shit eating grin on his face that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable, like there's some morbid inside joke happening here between himself and Tony. Freddie takes a swig of his drink, wipes his mouth with his hand and then says, "I always admired your taste, you know that?"

Tony's jaw visibly clenches. We all see it. His entire demeanor stiffens which is impressive considering how stiff he already was just by sitting in the same room as us.

Freddie, on the other hand, seemingly doesn't care about the tension he's now filled the room with. He glances down at his phone casually and swipes it open to respond to a text, not paying attention to the way both Tony and I are holding our breath - both for different reasons it seems.

"You guys excited for your show?" Freddie asks, still not looking up. 

"Yeah, I'm rea-" I start to say when Freddie cuts me off.

"You know..." he says to me, his eyes on Tony with that grin back on his face. "Tony and I have shared more than just a stage before."

"What?" I say, glancing between the two of them. "What does that mean?"

I have no idea what the hell Freddie is trying to say, Tony, on the other hand, doesn't have a problem with understanding it. In a flash he's out of his seat. He crosses the room so quick I don't even have time to react, and nor does Freddie who Tony pulls up by his shirt.

Gasping, I jump back from the two of them. The last thing I want is to be more involved in being in between the two of them. I'm already too close for comfort sometimes, and now seems even more so the case given the fact that there's clearly some hostility or something going on between the two of them. 

"What're you going to do?" Freddie asks, egging him on. "You're too much of a fucking pussy to do anything."

"Freddie!" I gasp in horror.

I've always known Freddie to say out of pocket things, but stooping to this level? Being outright cruel for no apparent reason other than to get a rise out of someone? That's not the Freddie I know. That's not a Freddie I want to know, either. 

The Freddie I know is kinder than that even if it is just a show and he doesn't mean it. I mean, I can literally count a handful of times when Freddie has been outright rude to someone, and all times except for one or two, it's because they've deserved it.

This is different. This is an issue that's clearly been brewing between Freddie and Tony for who knows how long, which is funny because before I came on tour with the guys, I didn't even know that they knew Freddie. Clearly something happened before and they've all kept it under wraps, I just want to know why they have, and why I've never been told about whatever it is.

I hold my breath hoping that maybe the truth will come out now that Tony has Freddie in a hold right in front of him, except nothing happens. Tony lets go off Freddie, pushing him back before he turns around and storms out the door.

Out of pure instinct or whatever, I follow Tony out the room.

He's about midway down the hallway when I get out the room which is impressive considering the fact that he maybe had a five second head start.

"Tony!" I call after him.

Tony, who was quickly walking away from our dressing room, whips around to face me, eyes blazing with anger.

"I'm so sorry." I say to him. It's so loud out here because of the band playing right now that I have to scream just to be heard. "I don't know why the fuck he'd say that."

"I do. He's a shitty person." he spits back.

"No, he's not usually-" I start to protest, but Tony cuts me off before I can get any further.

"He's always been a shitty fucking person, Kody, you're just too stupid to see it." he spits.

I pull back from Tony, mouth open in shock that he would even say something like that to me when I'm not the one who's the issue here. 

"Why would you say that? That's shitty of you." I retort to Tony. 

"And bringing your boyfriend here wasn't?"

A couple of techs walk by quickly in the hall carrying cords and a guitar. Neither of them spare us a look as they walk by, probably because they have a job to do and seeing Tony and I fight is nothing new to anyone at this point.

"How the fuck was I supposed to know that he'd be like that with you?" I yell, starting to feel more frustrated than ever before. 

It's absolutely crazy to me that I'm somehow the one getting the blame for this fight between Freddie and Tony. It doesn't feel fair to me at all, and it actually really hurts my feelings because I thought that Tony and I were getting to a better place together and now this feels like we're being pushed back to square one all over again.

"You'd think by now you know the person you're dating." Tony hits back. 

"I told you, he's not usually like this!"

"But he IS like this, Kody. Jesus Christ, what don't you understand?"

I'm about to argue the point further when one of the stage hands comes down the narrow hallway, flagging Tony and I down. 

"It's go time guys!" she yells at us. "Need you up here."

Tony doesn't bother to look back at me. He takes this out and runs with it - almost literally. I've never seen him walk so quick in my life. He takes the steps upstairs towards the stage two at a time, flying up them.

I hesitate on whether or not I should go back and tell Freddie that I'm performing, only to find that I actually don't want to go see him. He just stirred shit up for what seems to be absolutely no reason at all, and I doubt he would even care about the consequences of his actions if I were to tell him. Even if he knew I was being impacted, he would just stir more shit up in a way of getting "even" with Tony for being a dick to me.

It seems like no matter what I do, I'm stuck. If I pull on one end, the other end will hit me and vice versa. This entire game is a lose-lose for no one but me and I'm getting tired of it. 

Something has to change, I just need to figure out what. 

Freddie or the band?

Chapter Text

Things have been terrible.

The atmosphere on the bus has been atrocious. Our sets have been great because of who we are, but they're clearly lacking that comradery that every other band has. Tony's been a dick. I've been miserable.

Tonight, we decided that since things have been rough, we were going to all go out and have a good time. A drink minimum was placed upon all of us - five drinks - and we were told by Vic and Henrietta to go out and party like nothing matters.

The guys took this advice to heart. As soon as we hit up the bar, they went straight to get their drinks, then hit either the dancefloor, or started scouting for girls.

I, on the other hand, went to the bar, got myself three drinks right away, and went to sulk in a booth. I played Candy Crush on my phone until I ran out of lives - a whole seventeen minutes - then I turned to stranger watching before an idea struck me.

It struck me when I saw Tony talking to this beautiful short blonde. I watched them, disgust on my face every time Tony laughed, and I wondered why he got to have fun. He's been a dick to me all week - all tour, really, but especially all week, so why should he get to score tonight?

I decided then that he wouldn't. Every single time I saw him talking to a girl, I went up to him and I ruined it. I told them he was using them, I told them he's my boyfriend and a cheater, I told them he was a murdered. You name it, I said it.

Just as I sit back down after ruining another prospect, I see that Tony is no longer alone anymore. It lasted all of ten seconds.

Tony is talking to a pretty, dark-haired, dark-skin girl by time I find him again. He's leaning back against the bar table as she points at one of his tattoos on his upper arm. Her fingers reach out to his bicep, tracing the tattoo. Tony smiles back at her, a real cool guy, nonchalant smile. He's acting less interest than he is to come off as cool and to increase his odds of screwing her. Little does he know, I have other plans involved, plans that will definitely make sure Tony is left unscrewed tonight.

I saunter over to the happy pair, making sure my hips have extra swing in them. Tony clocks me on my way over before the girl he does. He glares at me, as if silently telling me to go away. I shake my head no at him, a smirk on my lips as I do.

"Hi!" I say loudly as I approach.

The girl turns and looks at me, brows furrowed. "Um, hi?"

Tony shoots me another death glare that I ignore again. I place myself in between the two of them, shoot Tony a grin and turn to the girl.

"He won't call you the next morning, just so you know." I say. "Once he gets what he wants, you're dead to him."

The girl Tony's talking to looks at me, mouth agape. Her eyes slide over to Tony, unsure.

"How do you know that?" she asks me.

"I see it every night." I tell her. I glance at Tony who's standing there, body stiff. I can pretty much see every muscle in his jaw it's so tense. He looks entirely pissed off, and I know I shouldn't push it more, yet I still do. "And he's done it to me."

The girl gives Tony a disgusted look, thanks me, and then saunters off away from the two of us. I can't help the smug smile that comes over my face when I realize that I've know ruined a second chance for Tony to get some tonight.

It's his fault anyway. If he hadn't been such a dick to me for the past couple of days, then I wouldn't feel the need to retaliate. Hell, if anything, I would've been encouraging him. Maybe if he got laid, he would be way more chill and wouldn't spaz out so much. I guess we'll never know now.

"Dude, what the fuck is your problem?" Tony asks, his tone angry.

Even though he's clearly pissed, I don't back down. I straighten my back so I'm standing at my tallest height of 5'5, and I look him dead in the eye. He needs to know I won't ever back down.

"What's my problem? What's your problem?" I say to him.

"I'm not the one going up to every person I talk to and sabotaging it by saying made up shit."

"Hm." I say with a casual shrug. "Sucks."

Tony is still shooting daggers at me when I go to turn around, eager to walk away from him, only I don't get the chance. Tony's hand reaches out and captures my wrist, pulling me back towards him. I'm so caught off-guard that I lose my footing for a second and almost fall right into Tony, only I'm able to catch myself last minute and straighten up before I collide with him.

"What the fuck?" I say. I pull my arm back, trying to get him off, but Tony doesn't budge. "Let go of me."

"Stop doing whatever the fuck this is that you're doing and I'll let go of you." he tells me.

"Kind of hard to stop when you're holding me here with you." I retort.

I try and pull back again, this time weaker than the last. Still, Tony clutches onto me. His fingers are warm around my wrist, and his hands are softer than I'd expect them to be. I can still feel the callouses on his hands and fingers from all the years of playing guitar, but they're weirdly softer than I imagined.

Not that I imagined it. Or Tony like that. Ever.

"I'm holding you here until you tell me that you're going to stop." Tony says.

"Okay, and what if I don't stop? You're going to keep me like this," I say, holding up my wrist and his hand to eye level. "All night?"

It's obvious by the look on his face that Tony hadn't thought of this part of the equation. I watch him try and process this and find a solution that involves me leaving him and whatever girls he talks to alone, and him not having to be near me all night.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Vic across the bar from us, watching us. His eyes are glued to where Tony and I are connected, probably wondering what the fuck this is about. Actually, he's probably trying to figure out if this is a lead up to a big blowout fight like we've had before. I'm kind of wondering it too.

"Knock it off, Kody. I'm not playing around." Tony warns.

"I will." I tell him. "As soon as you tell me why you've been such a dick to me lately."

His response is instant.

"I haven't been a dick to you."

I throw my head back and laugh. "Seriously?" I say once I've regained composure. "You yelled at me in sound check yesterday. You told me that it looks like I don't brush my hair-"

"It does look like you don't brush your hair." he says, eyeing my hair.

"It's curly. You can't brush it through or you lose the curls." I tell him. I take my free hand and fluff my curls up. "And it's beautiful as is, thank you."

"Yeah, looks great." he says with zero emotion in his voice. "Leave me alone tonight."

"Kind of hard when you're holding onto me." I say with a smirk.

Tony's hand drops from my wrist so fast you would think that I burnt him. I check my wrist just to be sure there is no sign of fire, but all there is, is a slight imprint of where Tony's hand was on me. No damage done, though.

"Will you leave me alone now?" Tony asks, voice deep.

I know that I should tell him yes. I should let him do his thing, hopefully get laid by some nice girl and use all his pent-up energy towards sex so he can hopefully be calmer for at least a day or two, but he really pissed me off this past week.

I thought things were good between him and I. I thought we had a new understanding for one another, or at least common decency to ignore one another. I thought maybe we would work towards a small friendship or something.

At the very least, I thought we could be civil. And then he started giving me shit for dumb stuff again. He told me that I was sloppy on stage. He said I didn't look like a real drummer, and that one hit deep into my own insecurities.

So, yeah, I could be chill and let Tony have a good time, but why should I when he's apparently made it his own personal mission to make sure I'm miserable? And by the way, he's doing amazing at it.

"No." I tell Tony. "You never leave me alone. You're always picking on me or telling me that I'm doing bad-"

"I'm not always doing that." Tony says with a sigh. "Don't be so dramatic."

"I'm not dramatic, you're just a dick." I tell him.

"And you're not? This thing you're doing here tonight isn't a dick move?"

"Oh, it is." I admit. "But I'm only doing it to get back at you."

"Real mature."

"You're one to talk."

"You're, what, 27? 28? You should know better."

"I'm 29, thanks. You're 34? You should know better. I'm still in my 20's, I'm learning."

"Here's a lesson." Tony says. He leans in closer to me and drops his voice lower. "Leave people alone when they ask for it."

"Great, and here's one for you: don't be a dick to people who've done nothing to deserve it."

"Done nothing to deserve it? That's funny."

"How's that funny? I've done nothing wrong."

"Yeah, sure."

Tony goes to leave, but this time I stop him. I grab onto his wrist just like he did to me, holding him there with me. Unlike when the roles were reversed, Tony doesn't turn back towards me, so I have to go step in front of him.

"What the hell did I do?" I ask him.

"Nothing, Kody. Get out of my way." he says. He tries to shrug me off, but to no avail. "Let go of my arm."

"No, not until you answer me."

Anger flashes through those eyes right into my soul. While normally an angry Tony is a common sight to me, it's never like this. This is beyond anger, and I feel like it has to do with more than just me.

"I'm serious. Get out of my way." Ton says.

"No." I say again, this time my tone sterner. I need to know what's going on. "Tell me what I did. There's no way I'm that bad at drums that you're this angry at me."

"It's not the fucking drums." he growls at me.

"Then what is it?"

"Leave it alone."

"What is it?"

"Kody."

"Tell me what the fucking problem is!"

Tony explodes. All that anger he's wielding powers past his usual self-control, and he explodes. He yells. Loud. Louder than I've ever heard before.

"It's Freddie, Kody. It's your fucking boyfriend!"

I'm so surprised by Tony's answer that I let go of my grip on his wrist. My fingers automatically uncurl and I drop my hand down. All the anger I had been building just breaks and is replaced with confusion instead.

"What's wrong with Freddie?" I ask Tony.

"Go talk to him if you want to know so badly."

"I don't want to talk to him, I want to hear it from you."

"No."

"But-"

"Kody." Tony says, his voice softer than it's been all night. His dark eyes are tired, the kind of tired that comes with emotional pain. "Please."

I don't have much of a choice. Tony's voice is laced with so much pain that I don't have any other option but to drop the subject. Not only that, but it turns out Tony yelled loud enough for everyone to hear, which inspired one Mr. Vic Fuentes to come over and play mediator.

As soon as I turn and see Vic beside me asking what's going on, Tony is gone. He's already at the exit by time I manage to find him. He slams the door open, smashing it audibly against the frame as he leaves.

"What the hell was that about?" Vic asks.

I don't know how to explain to Vic that I'm seemingly the target of a grudge that I have no clue of, and that I'm not really part of. It's probably a waste of time to explain it to Vic anyway, I'm sure he knows more than I do.

"I have no idea." I mumble back in response, my eyes still on the exit that Tony has just left through.

Chapter Text

I stare at my phone, unblinking. My breath has been caught in my chest for the last ten minutes as I read and reread the same messages again. Every once in a while, I'll click into the photos too just to torture myself a little extra.

I'm on my twentieth reread of the same message when I hear something behind me. I spin my head around to see Vic in the doorway of the back lounge area. He's peering over at me as if trying to figure out if I was awake or not given the fact that I'm piled under three blankets that are all wrapped tightly around me.

"Kody? What's going on? Are you - shit. Are you okay?" Vic leans over, peering at me and sees that my eyes are filled with tears. My cheeks are pink, and tear stricken by now. "What happened?"

"It's nothing." I say with a sniffle.

The last thing I wanted was for one of the guys to catch me crying. Already I feel like I'm way more emotional than them in everyday life, now I'm here sobbing in the back lounge area of the bus.

I am glad, however, that Vic is finding me over the other guys. Vic is a fun guy that knows when to be serious if needed. He's always the one stepping up and taking control of bad situations. He's a good guy.

Not to say Jaime or Tony aren't. I'm sure under all of Tony's contempt for me, he's an amazing guy. I know for a fact that Jaime is a great guy. He's always ready to have a good time, but he also doesn't always know how to turn it off. I don't think he'd be able to fully take control of the situation like Vic will try to.

"It's not nothing." Vic says. He slides onto the arm of the couch, hovering beside me close enough that I feel like he's here with me, but not close enough that it feels like I'm being smothered. "Did something happen with Tony?"

"He's the least of my worries." I tell Vic.

"Okay..." he says. He glances around the room as if trying to find any clues. "Is it...are you on, um, your period? Like it's a tough one?"

Even though the last thing I want in the world right now is to laugh, I end up doing just that. It's a short lived, maybe one or two chuckles come from me, but it's something. Vic, upon realizing that I'm laughing at him, cracks a grin too.

"Okay, yeah, that was dumb, wasn't it?" he says with a laugh of his own. "I don't really know what I'm doing here."

"Clearly."

"Hey, I'm trying at least." he says. Vic swings to the side so he's facing me. He puts his feet on the couch beside where my own feet are. "Do you want to talk about it? Whatever it is?"

"Even if it's period related?"

"Even then." he says with a boyish grin.

I don't know if I even want to talk about it. I know it's real, I know it's happened and done with, but right now it only exists in my universe. If I tell Vic, it means it's real. It means that it's outside of just my world, it's open to the real world.

I have to remind myself quick that this is real anyways. If I bring it up or not, it's true. Nothing is going to change that, and hiding from it isn't going to help myself out.

"I don't even know where to start."

"Wherever you want to."

I know it's useless to tell Vic all the small details. He doesn't need to know the leadup. He doesn't need to know the who or when, but I need to tell it. I need to say it before I tell him what happened, I need all the details to be out there.

"I was on Instagram. It's the only social media I really use. I don't understand Tik Tok and I'm not really into Twitter or anything."

"Okay..." Vic says slowly, not understanding why I'm telling him about my social media preferences.

"I usually have a lot of messages, especially now since joining you guys, so I don't often read them, but today I wanted to."

Vic groans like he knows where I'm going with this. "The fans can be brutal sometimes, Kody. They say shit and start shit. For your own mental sanity, don't read them."

"No, it's nothing like that." I say. "Well, okay, yeah, I do get those, but that's not what today was about." I say. Vic stays quiet, waiting for the answer. I take a deep breath, and I let the information fly out my mouth. "I got a message from someone saying they were seeing Freddie. Obviously, I was like, no way this is happening, but she has photos and everything. She has photos of them from last week, Vic. She has text messages where he says she loves her."

I'm not sure if Vic gets the ending of my sentence because I break out in tears before I can get the last few words out, so it comes out sounding like gibberish.

"Kody." Vic says softly. His hand finds its way to my lower leg, petting it in a light and comforting way. "I'm so sorry."

"It's whatever." I say, wiping my nose on the back of my sweater. Well, Freddie's sweater, actually. "Not like I thought he was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with."

At this, I erupt in tears again. I pull the blanket that's covering me closer, needing comfort. I turn my face into the pillow so Vic doesn't have to watch me cry, although at this point, I don't think it could get more awkward for him anyway.

"You're going to be okay, Kody." Vic says softly.

"When?" I croak out in the middle of sobs. "Because I just lost the best person I know, and it doesn't feel like I'll be okay again. Ever."

"It'll take time, but it'll happen."

I lift my head to look at Vic. He looks so worried and so sincere at the same time that it makes me start tearing up again.

"I'm never going to find anyone that great again." I cry to Vic.

Something weird happens. Weird enough that it stops my crying in its tracks. As soon as the last sentence leaves my mouth, Vic purses his lips together. It's not a pity-purse, either. It's a "I have a secret that you should know" kind of purse and it sobers me up from my crying fit right away.

"I need to tell you something." he says.

"Is it something I want to hear?"

"No, but it's something you need to hear." he tells me. He glances back towards the rest of the bus, as if to check if he's in the clear. "It's about Freddie and Tony."

I perk up, like literally perk up from my sad lying down position. Since that first day I brought Freddie onto the bus, I noticed there was something weird going on between Freddie and Tony, but no one would tell me what it was.

When I would ask Freddie, he would tell me that Tony was just like that, that he was a bitter guy, which I obviously believed because of how he acted with me.

Tony wouldn't say a word to me anyways, no way he was telling me what went on, and both Jaime and Vic told me it wasn't their place to tell me what went on, which left me in the dark about it. Until now.

"We toured with Freddie a couple years ago. Before you and him were together." Vic starts. "During that time, we were all younger and a bit more wild, right? Freddie especially, but I'm sure you know that already."

"Yeah." I say softly as I recall how Freddie acted when we first met. He was a rock and roll party legend mess. I guess he still is.

"Tony had a longtime girlfriend." Vic tells me. My stomach churns. I know where this is going, and I really, really wish I didn't, but given the fight the other day and everything Freddie said, I figured out what had happened, only I wish I was wrong. "He really loved her, like, was going to marry her...until he walked in on her and Freddie together Apparently it wasn't the first time either."

"Poor Tony." I whisper.

No wonder seeing Freddie pissed him off so much. Freddie took away the love of Tony's life, and worst of all is that Tony had to actually see it live in front of him. He walked in on it, he had that pain delivered in person to him.

I'm sure Freddie delighted in it, - actually, I know he did. He's always been the type to steal a toy from another in the sandbox. If he sees something someone else has and he wants it, he takes it. And he did it to Tony with no regrets or remorse, and even worse, he taunted him afterwards about it.

My heart sinks in my chest as I think of poor Tony standing in the doorway as his girlfriend was naked with Freddie. No wonder Tony is miserable. No wonder Tony hates my face, I've been an extension of his biggest heartbreak ever. Fuck, I would hate me too if I were Tony.

"He took it really hard." Vic continues on. "They had bene together for five years, he thought he'd found the person he was making a future with, and in one single night it was ruined."

"Why did no one tell me before?"

"Honestly? Because we didn't want to affect your relationship. One had already been ruined because of that event, I didn't want to be responsible for destroying another." Vic says.

"You guys should've told me still." I say. "I wouldn't have brought him around if I knew that."

Vic waves me off like it's nothing. "It's not a big deal. Tony's a grown adult who can handle his own emotions."

"I know."

"Good, then don't worry about Tony. Especially not right now."

"I know, I just feel bad for him. You know, no one should have to go through that."

"Yourself included."

I'd been so busy focusing on Tony and how he must have felt about the whole thing that happened in the past that I had forgotten about the fact that I was going through the exact same thing at his exact moment.

The world comes crumbling back down on me as reality sinks back in, only this time instead of feeling sad and sorry for myself, I feel angry.

I'm angry that the guys didn't warn me about Freddie's past, because maybe if they had, I could've jumped ship before he did the same to me. I'm pissed about that too, the fact that Freddie just ruined our future because of lust or stupidity or whatever. I'm pissed he could do that to me.

When we first started dating, Freddie would hold me in the middle of his king-size bed and tell me about all the things he liked about me. He'd tell me he liked my faint freckles that come out after I got a lot of sun, he liked the scar above my lip, he liked the way I scrunched up my nose before I sneezed. He liked that I was honest and true. He liked the way I made him feel, like he could do anything and be anyone. He liked that he felt at home with me.

I guess it was all a lie. I guess he only liked me for convenience, not for long-term. Not for life.

"I'm really mad." I tell Vic. "I'm mad you guys kept everything from me, and I'm mad that Freddie ruined my life."

Vic nods understandingly and I find myself wondering if he's gone through this too and that's why he seems to be able to deal with this so well.

"I know. We should've told you, and I'm sorry we didn't." he says. "And just so you know, Freddie didn't ruin your life. Yeah, he fucked you over big time and ruined what you spent years making, but your life is still your own. You can do whatever you want with it."

He's right. I know he's right, but right now it feels like the world has opened up and swallowed me in tiny bits and pieces, and I don't know if I have the power to find those pieces and put them back together again. I don't know if I want to.

"Look, we're leaving in a day for Europe." Vic says to me. "A change of scenery should give you hope again."

That is true. Tonight, we're driving to New York so we can fly out to London. We're spending a month and a half trekking around Europe before we fly to Australia to play our last few shows.

Two and a half months of this year will be spent on the other side of the world, and if that doesn't heal me of my Freddie trauma, then what else will?

Suddenly I can't wait to get out of this country and put as much space as I can between my old life and my current reality.

-~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did we think the Tony thing wouldve been worse or are we gutted for this man??
I love giving Tony a shitty backstory fr

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Text

I have never flown before in my life. 

I know how sad it is to admit that at the ripe age of almost 30, but it's the truth. All of my life I've spent in a single country - the one I was born in. I know how lame it is to say that, however I really don't care. I like where I was born, and any travelling I've done has all been in a car, so it's not like I haven't travelled around before, I just haven't travelled all that far.

Because of the fact that I've only ever travelled via car or the rare train, I have no idea what's in store for me on this trip. I'm assuming the flying portion will be the easiest part because Lord knows that the airport itself was a mess.

We got to the airport early like indicated, which honestly was a good thing because the amount of people when we got there was astounding. There were lines upon lines of people who were getting ready for flights of their own. All four of us stepped into the line, ready to spend at least the next hour in it, and we spent just about that exact time.

From there we headed over to our gate, which turns out was switched right as we got there, so off we went to the complete opposite side of the airport to wait for our flight - which ended up being delayed. 

After waiting for what felt like years, we finally got the notice that our flight would be boarding. Vic, Jaime and I got on no problem and found our seats, with them being a couple rows ahead in first class (for my first time ever!), and I was about four rows behind with an empty seat next to me. Tony is nowhere to be found, but knowing him, he probably requested a seat as far as he could from me. 

Choosing to ignore Tony and his annoyance of me, I lean my head back against the plane seat and let my eyes close.

Since I've never flown before, I don't exactly know what I'm in for on this flight. I know that there's turbulence where the plane feels really shaky and stuff, and I've heard people say that your ears pop from the pressure, both things that I'm silently dreading. 

I'm trying to calm myself down as much as possible by telling myself that everything is going to be fine when I hear a sound next to me that is anything but fine.

"Oh, come on." Tony says with an eye roll.

Deep down, I knew this was coming when I sat down here and saw the empty seat beside me. I had that inkling deep down in me that Vic and Jaime were up to no good again, trying to force Tony and I together as if that would help with the whole resentment thing. 

To confirm it, I glance forward and what do you know, both Vic and Jaime are looking at Tony and I intently, waiting for our next moves. I pointedly roll my eyes at them and give them by best annoyed look possible.

"What was that for?" Tony asks as he takes his seat next to me.

"They were waiting to see how we'd feel about sitting beside each other." I tell him. "You know, like they're children."

"Did you expect more from them?" Tony asks dryly.

"For once, yes, I did."

Tony makes a soft "hm" noise as he reaches forward to play with the screen in front of him. He scrolls through the movie options - which I didn't know we could do - and settles on a seemingly random one, Sleepless in Seattle.

Minutes later, the plane starts rolling as we start picking speed up to launch off into the air. Even though I feel a crazy amount of nerves during liftoff and I want to tell Tony about it, I don't say anything as his eyes are glued to the screen in front of him playing the movie, and equally to his phone that he has in his hand, so I keep quiet and deal with my anxiety alone.

To get my mind off my nerves, I choose a movie of my own to try and distract me. The only thing that seems to catch my eye after scrolling through the minimal catalogue is 21 Jump Street. I've seen it multiple times years ago and it was funny then, so I decide to give it another go years later and see if it holds up.

Even though I'm trying my best to pay attention to the movie, not even 15 minutes into it I find myself glancing over at Tony more than anything. We haven't really talked since that last time Freddie came on the bus and was a huge dick. We've said a couple of things to one another here and there, and we had that game night together, but our contact has been minimal since then. We especially haven't talked about the fact that I know the thing he didn't want me to know. 

With nothing else to do and no one really around, I decide to let him know that I know by means of telling him that I did not actually know, and how could I have known?

"I didn't know, by the way." I say, breaking our long held silence.

Tony managed to slowly tear his eyes away from the screen in front of him to look at me, his brows furrowed in confusion.

"What?" he asks.

I take a deep breath in, ready for whatever reaction Tony is going to have. "About Freddie. What he did to you." I explain. "I didn't know."

Tony rolls his eyes. "Yeah, sure."

"I didn't." I insist. "I had no idea until two days ago."

Tony hesitates. I know this is a subject he doesn't want to talk about, yet at the same time I can pretty much see him trying to hold himself back from asking questions. 

The questions part of him wins.

"Freddie told you?" he asks.

I bite my lip. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. Now I'm getting someone else in trouble for telling me something that they all should've let me know weeks ago.

"Vic did."

Tony's eyes flash over to Vic who's laughing at something on his phone with Jaime. Neither of them are aware of the fact that we're looking at them, and they're equally unaware of the tense conversation we're having right now which is thanks to them for a) sitting us next to one another, and b) telling me things they shouldn't have.

"Don't be mad at him." I tell Tony.

"It wasn't his place to tell you." he replies.

"No, it wasn't. It's also not your place to be rude to me and punish me for something I wasn't part of, even if I was associated with Freddie."

"Was?"

"We broke up."

"Oh." Tony says. He immediately looks away from me and back at the movie playing on the screen. He stares at it for so long, unblinking and quiet to the point where I think the conversation is over until he starts talking again. "You broke up because of-?"

"No, not because I found out what he did to you." I say quickly, filling in the rest of his question for him so he doesn't have to say it out loud. "But that would've been the reason had I known before we broke up."

"Oh." he says again, and then a second later, "That's stupid."

"What?"

"It's stupid that you would've broken up with him because he fucked my girlfriend years ago."

This is so not the reaction I was expecting to get. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting a bouquet of flowers or like, applauses or something, but I wasn't expecting to be criticized for something that I believe to be a good indicator of humanity. 

At the very minimum I was expecting a half-assed, awkward smile from Tony to show appreciation. At most, maybe a thank you. Definitely, definitely was not expecting to be called stupid, though, especially when it's not stupid.

"No, it's not. He did something shitty that shows his bad character. I'm sure he never apologized to you, ever, either, so, no, it's not stupid." I retort.

"It's stupid because it's in the past." Tony says, doubling down on the stupid aspect of it.

"Yeah? Then why are you such a dick to me in the present then?" I retort. "You've had it out for me since I got here because I was associated with Freddie-"

"It's not just that."

"What do you mean it's not just that?" I ask incredulously. "You dislike me for another reason? Something worse than my ex-boyfriend screwing your ex-girlfriend?"

"Can we not do this? We have," he glances at the time on his phone. "Six hours left on this flight. I wanted to relax for it."

I'm about to nod at him in acceptance when out of the corner of my eye, I see that Tony has paused his movie for us to talk. Suddenly it seems like him wanting peace is less about me talking and more about the movie he has on the screen in front of him.

"You just want to watch Sleepless in Seattle." I say.

"Yeah, I do." he admits, bashful look on his face. "It's one of my favourites."

"Really?" 

"Yeah, why? Does that surprise you?" 

I glance at the movie then back at Tony with my eyebrows raised. I never would've taken him for a movie guy, especially not a rom-com type of movie guy. He seems more the type to be into the action type of stuff, not lovey-dovey.

"Surprises me that you can feel positive emotions like love, yeah." I say with a grin. Tony doesn't reciprocate. He stares at me, unamused. "It was a joke."

"Yeah, laugh it up, you're the one-"

Tony doesn't get to finish his sentence because as he's talking, we hit a huge patch of moderate turbulence. The plane jerks us all to the side as the bumpiness of the turbulence starts. Tony's phone that he had discarded on his lap during our talk topples over due to the sudden movement in the plane, and then the worst thing of all happens.

Despite the fact that our seats do in fact have a decent amount of space in them because we're in first class, my hand still jolts out and reaches for his across the space between us. It's an immediate responsive reaction on my end, one fueled by fear.

I clutch onto Tony's hand for dear life as the turbulence bumps on, squeezing it with my own as if trying to extract my fear via pressure. This lasts a solid two minutes at most before the plane calms back down as my nerves do too, and once they do, I immediately drop Tony's hand in horror.

"I'm sorry." I say, untangling my hand from his. "I've never felt that before and I got scared."

"Turbulence? You've never flown before?"

"No." I admit bashfully.

Tony shakes his head at me. "Why didn't you say anything beforehand?"

"I don't know, I didn't think it'd make a difference."

"It wouldn't really, but we could've gone and got you some earbuds for the pressure or some Gravol or something. Maybe a Xanax."

Maybe a Xanax. These guys live such weird lives compared to everyone else. Like, who the hell just has Xanax on hand like that? 

"Great, so you'd want me unconscious for the flight? Seems like it benefits you more than me."

Tony grins a boyish grin at me. "Can't we both benefit?"

My cheeks immediately flush at this. The sentence Tony just said gets twisted in my mind, the definition of us both benefiting meaning something different in my head than the way he meant it just now.

I begrudgingly find myself running into this problem more often than I'd like to when it comes to Tony. I know that he's a dick. I know he's rude to me and that he's cocky and has an attitude. I know this, and yet I can't stop myself from admiring him because even though he may be an asshole, he's a good looking one and he knows it too.

I've seen the way he acts when girls come up to him. He acts like he doesn't have a single fuck to give about them, like he's too good for them or something. He flirts with them, of course, but there's still that essence there that he doesn't actually care if they're there or not. Hell, sometimes when I look at him when this is happening, he's already looking at me as if he can't even be bothered enough to actually make eye contact with the girl right in front of him that he's talking to.

It aggravates me to no end that he does this, that he ignores women and acts like he's not interested in them, like he's too good to be interested. It aggravates me that he's rude to me, and that he's always seemingly glancing my way but never, ever talks to me.

But I'd be lying if I said it didn't intrigue me in a way. His too-good-for-you attitude and his stoic demeanor makes me want to explore more of him to find those sweet spots even though I know it's a terrible, terrible idea, and because it's a terrible idea, I keep the thoughts locked deep down in me. 

...Or at least I try to.

Chapter Text

When Freddie and I first started dating, we planned an elaborate vacation over in Europe. First we would hit up Prague. We'd walk across Charles Bridge hand in hand, a drink in our hands and nothing but a pep in our step as we made our way to Visit Prague Castle.

After exhausting all the beauty of Prague, we'd make our way over to Germany. Of course, we would go see the Berlin Wall. I mean, you're in Germany, who wouldn't go there first? That and the Neuschwanstein Castle are two sights that everyone needs to see at least once.

We'd trek on, hitting all the fan favourites. Amsterdam, France, Spain, Italy, you name it, we planned it. We had the entire vacation planned out in our heads. We told ourselves we'd go before we had kids, before I turned 33. 

Now here I am in Belgium, alone. The guys all went out to see some friends they know from a tour they went on a handful of years ago, which left me alone in a different country. They offered to let me join, but I could tell they were only doing it to be nice, so I told them to go ahead with me, I'd be fine on my own.

For the record, I genuinely am fine on my own. I'm in a beautiful country, I'm in a successful band, and I'm recently single. I should be having way more fun than I am, except every time I start to enjoy myself, I think of how alone I am. I have no boyfriend, my band hates me, the fans hate me, and even I hate me a little.

Feeling like an ungrateful failure, I do the one thing I know will make me feel better. Unlocking my phone, I open up my phone app and press the name at the top of the recent calls. 

The phone rings through once, then twice. By the third ring I start getting nervous, and I'm about to hang up once the fifth rings goes through when suddenly the ringing stop and a familiar voice faintly fills the air.

"Kody?"

"Hi." I say into the phone, trying my best to conceal how miserable I sound, however it comes out loud and clear anyway.

At least to me. Emmy doesn't seem to notice in the slightest.

"Hi! How's Europe? Are you enjoying the sights? Are you enjoying the guys?" she asks, her words coming out so quick that it sounds like a single sentence. 

"It's good. Beautiful." I tell her.

I'm on the balcony of my hotel room, well, Tony and I's hotel room, but still. The balcony is high enough that I'm able to see all the lights of the buildings and cars in the city. The dazzling lights bring life to the gorgeous, poetic looking architecture that's all around me. Underneath me in the buzzing city is the sound of people talking and laughing, cars driving and the sound of faint music that I think is coming from a bar next to the hotel.

Truly, it's beautiful. It's all so beautiful that it makes me wish I had someone to actually share it with.

"Did you go see that giant clock yet?" Emmy asks me, pulling me from my depressing thoughts.

"The clo-?" I start to ask before I realize what she means. "Big Ben? No, we're in Belgium right now."

Emmy doesn't miss a beat. "I know."

"The clock is in London."

"Okay, so, like, a town over or whatever."

"Try a whole country."

"Try you should go see it." Emmy says. In the background on Emmy's side of the phone, I hear the familiar sound of my brother's doorbell.

"Are you at Adam's right now?" I ask her.

"Yeah." she says. I hear the sound of the door swinging open followed by the sound of Adam's voice. "I'm talking to Kody. She's in Europe." Emmy tells Adam. "She has not seen the clock yet."

"Kody!" Adam yells in response. "No clock yet? What the hell?"

"We haven't made it there yet. We're only getting there Saturday." I tell him.

"Go now! World is your oyster and you're a lobster!" Adam says back cheerily. I'm assuming he already smoked before Emmy got there. It's kind of their thing. Adam lights one up as he rolls two joints for Emmy and himself, then when Emmy gets there, they smoke together and get way too high. Every time they offer me a joint of my own, which I decline each time, but it doesn't stop them from asking still.

"What does that even mean?" I ask Adam even hough I'm sure he doesn't even know.

"It means you need to take advantage of the opportunities in front of you." Adam says. The faint sound of the doorbell can be heard in the background and then Adam says something just to Emmy that I don't quiet catch. "Ey, we gotta go, Kody. Mom and dad are here."

My heart sinks in my chest. I'm already feeling more alone than I've ever felt in a different country and now my entire family is getting together without me back home. Talk about being a reject.

"Oh, I didn't know you guys were all getting together." I say.

"It's game night!" Emmy says. "We always get together on game night."

Right. Game night. The game night that I set up for all of us when I felt lonely after I moved an hour out of our hometown. I made the journey home every week for that game night, and sometimes it was the only thing keeping me going when I was going through something or feeling stuck in my deadend job.

Now that same game night is making me feel more alone than all my previous lonely nights mixed together. 

I don't let onto that fact as I say goodbye to Adam and Emmy. I don't think it'd matter if I did anyway, they rush me off the phone so quick you'd think that I was the black sheep of the family or something.

I let my phone fall into my lap as I sigh deeply. I look around at the beautiful city I'm in and feel a pang of guilt. I should be out there having fun, even if I only have myself to do it with. I should be making memories, friends or regrets. I should be experiencing the culture of Europe. I should be doing anything but sitting here and feeling sorry for myself.

Even though I know all of this, I still stay out on my balcony for the next hour just listening to the sounds of the city as I scroll on my phone. I bounce from social media app to social media app until I get bored enough that I decide to go in and call it a night.

Heading to the bathroom, I brush my teeth, do my skincare, get into my pyjamas and I throw myself onto my bed. I surf the internet some more until I stumble upon an ad - a sexy ad. Next thing I know, I'm on a site for that stuff and I'm pulling my shorts down. 

It's been so long that anyone has touched me that my body responds immediately to my own touch. I find myself easily getting more and more into it, my body getting warm and wet as I continue to work on myself.

It doesn't take long before I feel myself getting closer, so I pick up the tempo and I let my legs fall open even wider, my back arching and-

"Oh, fuck."

My eyes snap open in a panic. Turning my head to the side I see Tony standing in the hallway, the door behind him falling closed as he stands there, stuck to the spot in a statue-like pose. His eyes are glued to me, bouncing back from my exposed body to my face.

For a solid five seconds both of us are frozen, him staring, me with my hand still on me, until I eventually snap out of it. My hand flies away from me like I just got burnt, and I grab the blankets from the side of the bed and throw them over me, hiding my exposed body.

Tony gets the memo that we're to unfreeze now and he twirls around, facing the door he just came in through. He doesn't move from his actual spot aside from just spinning around, I guess the shock has rendered his brain a little slow and he doesn't know what to do. Well, that makes two of us.

Underneath the blankets I reach down and pull my pyjama shorts up so I can get out of the bed. Not that it matters at this point, Tony's already seen it all. Still, I pull them up and get out of the scene of the crime, standing instead near the TV in front of our beds.

"I'm so sorry." I say to Tony once up. "You guys said you'd be back really late, and-"

"It is really late." Tony says, his back still to me. "It's 2am."

"You guys said you'd be out till at least 4!" I say. "God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologizing." Tony says.

"What the hell else am I supposed to say? You just walked in on me..." I stop myself before I can say any semblance of pleasuring myself or jerkin' it, and instead I opt for the worst way to word it of all. "At the solo disco."

This sentence alone is enough to make Tony turn around again. He looks at me, eyebrows raise so far up onto his forehead that it's a wonder I can see them anymore. At the same time, I notice that his cheeks are almost as red as mine, clearly embarrassed at having caught me enjoying myself.

"That's such a gross way to word it." Tony tells me. "You literally could've said anything else."

"I panicked."

"Yeah, I know how that feels."

My cheeks flush again at the meaning of his words. "I'm so sor-"

"Don't say it." he says, interrupting me before I can get the word out. 

"But I mean it."

"I got that the first couple of times."

I nod at Tony, because what else can I do? I want to tell him I'm sorry, however we've already covered that entire subject. Not really knowing what to do or say now, I glance around the room awkwardly looking for an out or a conversation topic. I could ask Tony how his night was or how it was to see his friends again, only I find that a casual conversation about his friends isn't the most appropriate right now.

I steal a glance at Tony who seems to be feeling the same way I am. His eyes are glued to the carpet beneath my bed - or, the crime scene as I'll be calling it now. After several quiet, awkward moments of avoiding eye contact, Tony finally looks at me.

"I, uh, think I should get ready for bed." he says. "You know, shower, teeth brushing, uh, that kind of stuff."

"Yeah!" I say too enthusiastically. "Yeah, good idea. I'm going to, um, go to sleep."

He nods at me. "Good thinking."

"Yep."

"Yep." Tony says awkwardly. "Um, goodnight, I guess?"

"Yeah, good night. Enjoy the shower." 

I watch Tony head to the bathroom, and only when the door closes behind him do I go over to my bed and flop down onto the bed, face first.

I can't believe that just happened, the whole thing. Tony walking in on me was bad enough but the awkwardness after? Maybe even worse than the actual being caught in the act thing. Like, I just told him to enjoy the shower?! Enjoy the shower?! Who the fuck am I, and when did I become so weird and lame and awkward? When the hell did it happen, and how the hell do I undo it?

I swear tomorrow I'll be better, just wait and see.

Chapter Text

Sweat is trickling down my back in such a slow manner that it feels like someone is lightly running a feather down my back with just enough pressure to render me almost at the point of being tickled. My hair is covered in sweat as well, wet strands glued to one another and my body as I move around in the way too hot room.

After tonight's show, we all decided that we needed to make the most out of being in a different country, so we did what we do best, and we hit up a bar. The guys were ready to party, as was I, especially considering the weirdness going on between Tony and I lately. I decided that I couldn't exactly be sober and around him, it was too awkward, so as soon as we got into the bar, I got to drinking.

It seemed like a good idea at first. By the fourth drink I was praising myself for this great idea. It's only when I moved onto my fifth drink and made it a double that I realized that maybe I was in for trouble, however I quickly shove the idea to the side.

Deciding that I've had enough of sitting around, I twirl around to head for the dance floor when I suddenly come face to face with Tony, smashing right into him. He holds onto both of my arms to steady us, and when he does, he gets a good look at my face and instantly his own face lines with worry.

"Woah." Tony says, his eyes wide as he looks around the room, most likely trying to find Vic or Jaime to help him out of this mess which is me. "Kody, are you okay?"

"Yeah." I slur. Instinctively, my hands come up to my messy hair and I try to pat it down so it - and I - look good for Tony. "W-why? Don't I look okay?"

"Dude, no, you look way too drunk." he says.

Stupid, I know, but I pout about the fact that Tony just told me I don't look okay. I know I'm way past the point of intoxicated which means my emotions are out of wack right now, so hearing Tony say I don't look okay, which means I don't look good to him, guts me inside. 

"Where is everyone?" Tony asks, eyes scanning the room again. "No way Vic and Jaime left you like this."

"Um, hello, you guys always leave me." I tell Tony. 

His eyes fly over to me, disapproval in his face. "No we don't." he protests.

"Mm-hm." I retort. "You left me alone yesterday."

"You didn't look all that upset about it last night."

Heat rushes to my face. He's talking about the fact that he walked in on me last night while I was in an unsavoury - or savoury depending on how you look at it - position. If I were sober right now, I would be ten times more embarrassed than I am currently am, however since I clearly am not sober, I swallow all the embarrassment and instead I'm left only with boldness.

"You looked upset about it." I tell him, poking him in the chest as I give him a pointed, smug look before I down the rest of my drink, my sixth or seventh of the night.

Tony stares at me, his mouth in a hard line. I know I shouldn't have said what I just said to him like that, but I can't help it. Right now I want to say every single thought I've ever had, the alcohol's fault for sure. I don't fight that hard against the feeling of word vomit.

"You didn't trade rooms yet, so maybe you didn't hate it." I say.

Tony opens his mouth to speak when a couple passes by right behind us, close enough that they rub up against us and would definitely hear what Tony was going to say. We both wait silently until they pass by, and then Tony steps into me, making me nervous in all the right ways. His lips are just above my ear when he finally opens that mouth to tell me what he was going to say.

"You're clearly drunk. Let's have this conversation when you're sober, okay?"

My heart plummets. Thats what I waited a whole 15 seconds to hear? That's the response I get after putting my heart and honesty out there? That's what I get after building up my hopes that Tony would confirm what I was wanting?

I slump down into my seat, upset. I know it's childish of me and I know I should act like it doesn't bother me, but I've spent weeks now being rejected by this man on a daily basis. He gives me shit for doing my job, he gives me shit for who I date, for how I act, and now he's turning down me as a whole.

As if the rejection wasn't bad enough, I start feeling a weird feeling in my stomach - a feeling I haven't felt since I was about 22 years old and drunk out at the bars. It seems I may have drank entirely too much and my stomach isn't loving it and wants to expel all the access drinks in me.

I get up so fast that it visibly startles Tony. Any other time I would've made fun of him for it, but now I'm too focused on getting outside so the cool air can hopefully help the situation. I push past people frantically, body after body hitting me on my out the door.

As I swing the door open, the fresh air hits me like a ton of bricks, soothing my aching stomach. The cool air laps at my sweat-filled hair, delivering an instant feeling of relief.

Unfortunately, the relief doesn't last long. It lasts a solid minute at most before my stomach starts hurting even more. I wrap my arms around it and lean my forehead against the cool brick of the bar building.

Tony, upon seeing me like this, flags the bouncer down and yells for a garbage, which is promptly pushed into his hands and pushed under me right in time for me to throw up. It comes out hot and violent, the feeling shaking through me as I throw up again and again into this generic little black garbage bin.

One of Tony's hands is on top of mine on the garbage to keep it steady in my arms. His other hand is warm on my back, rubbing up and down in soothing circular motions. Looking at us, it would seem like we were close or something.

The sound of the door swinging open fills the silence between the sound of me vomiting. 

"Hey, what's going on?" a voice says, Vic's voice. "Is she sick?"

"Yeah, dude, she's absolutely hammered." Tony tells him.

"What the fuck? She was fine an hour ago." Vic says.

"I'm still fine." I spit out as my head hovers over my puke filled bucket.

"Obviously you're not." Vic replies, his tone a mix of stern and soft, like he wants me to know that he cares about me but that I've done something stupid. 

"I'll take her back to the hotel." Tony says. His hand that's on my back starts rubbing up and down again in a soothing way, whether it's for himself or me, I don't know. "I'll text you when we get back."

"You sure? I can bring her instead." Vic offers.

Tony doesn't hesitate to decline the offer. "Nah, it's fine."

"Alright..." Vic says, clearly still unsure as to whether it's fine or not. I'm assuming that based on Tony and I's history, Vic is thinking I'm going to end up abandoned in some hall or pushed into the river. "Well, call me if there's any problems, okay?" he says to Tony before he comes over and leans down next to me. "Kody? You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Just need a nap maybe." I tell him. I want to stop my talking there, but my brain has different ideas for me. "I'll be okay with Tony, he's not going to kill me or something."

"I wouldn't do that." Tony says from the other side of me. "You know how hard it is to find a good drummer?"

I want to respond with a rude comment, however in that moment my stomach decides that it hasn't gotten rid of everything it needed to yet and needs to clear more of my contents which results in me throwing up in my garbage bin again.

Between sounds of me hurling, I faintly hear Vic and Tony talking behind my back. I'm not sure what they're saying but from the sounds of it, it's about me and my not so great performance of handling my alcohol tonight. I try to listen in, but as fate would have it, my stomach kicks in again.

I spend the next two minutes with my head dangling over the garbage when I finally feel like I'm good enough to go without it. By this point I don't think I have anything left in my stomach, and honestly, throwing up made me feel a lot better. Like, I feel so much better that I could go for another drink. Of course I don't say this out loud because I know how Vic and Tony wouldn't approve, so instead I look at them and I tell them that I'm ready to go.

"You sure?" Vic asks, eyeing my garbage. "You're not going to be sick again?"

"Nope, got it all out." I tell him. I hold the disgustingly warm garbage in my hand glance around for somewhere to spill it's contents. "Um, where should I...?"

"I'll take it." Vic says, grabbing the bucket from me. He's careful to not let it too close to him and even more careful to not look inside. "Text me if you guys need anything, okay?"

"We'll be fine." Tony answers for us. He turns to look at me. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah, I'm hot to trot." I tell him.

Vic bids us farewell as he heads off with my puke bucket and Tony and I start on the 13 minute walk we have to our hotel. The walking immediately feels nice, like it's helping my stomach to calm down again after the torturous night I put it through.

Tony and I walk quietly at first. I think he's figuring I'll keel over at any moment to spew more, so he wants to make sure that my mouth remains closed as to not force it. Truthfully, he's right. The urge to throw up is still there for the first couple of minutes of the walk, but by time we're turning down the third street of the night I start to feel better. 

All I want to do now is talk and talk and talk.

"You said I was a good drummer." I say to Tony, breaking our silence.

"What?" he asks, looking over at me in confusion.

"At the bar. You said you wouldn't kill me because it's hard to find a good drummer." I explain. "You think I'm good."

"Obviously I think you're good." he says almost begrudgingly.

"You've never told me that before."

"Yes, I have." he argues.

A honk from a nearby car sounds, causing me to jump and forget the topic for a second. My drunken brain scans my memory before recalling the conversation at hand.

"Nope, never." I retort.

"Yep."

"You've never told me it. I know that because I know for a fact that you've never complimented me. Ever." I say matter-of-factly.

"I'm sure I have."

"You haven't." I say matter-of-factly. "And I want one now."

I'm playing with fire. It's a contained fire, if anything, but it's still a fire nonetheless, and I'm stoking it like it's my job. The alcohol in me wants the fire to grow bigger so it can warm me up, because even it's dangerous, it feels good and I want to feel good.

"I already gave you a compliment." Tony says, his voice deeper than it was moments ago. I wonder if he knows we're playing with fire too. I wonder if he wants to.

I groan out loud. "You know what I want."

"No, I don't."

"I want you to tell me I look good. Like, you like my hair or you think I have nice eyes or something. Maybe you like the way I look in general."

We both come to a stop at a crosswalk. There's no one around anyway, but we both stay there as we wait for the signal that we're allowed to cross.

"Why are you asking me this now?" Tony asks, glancing over at me. The little green man flashes brightly at us, telling us we can continue walking, so we do.

"Because."

Tony doesn't answer me. I wait a couple of seconds, looking at him pointedly only for him to stare straight ahead silently. 

Figuring I won't get an answer from him, I focus instead on the people walking near us. It's weird being in a different country altogether. You'd think that somehow there would be something that would separate you from the others, a way of showing people from the get-go that you're not one of them. Here, in London, we don't look all that different than the people around us. 

As we walk I notice the features the people around us have and how similar they are to features I've seen on people back home. We pass this one woman who has almost the exact same hair as my mom does, and a man we pass right after has dimples like Jaime. Despite the fact that we're nowhere close to being from the same place, we all kind of look it?

I'm so lost in the thought of it all that I nearly miss our hotel. I would've missed it too if Tony hadn't reached out and grabbed onto my shirt sleeve, pulling me towards him. 

"Oh, oops." I say with a bashful, drunk grin. "I was lost in thought."

"Yeah?" he asks, raising an eyebrow at me as he holds the hotel door open for me. "What were you thinking about?"

"People."

I step into the hotel lobby which is unsurprisingly dead quiet at this time of night. I assume most of the guests here aren't on a rock tour so they're not staying up all hours of the night like we all are. 

"You were thinking about people?" Tony asks. "Like, in general or...?"

"Just how similar yet different we all are, you know?" I say as we make our way over to the elevator. "This is going to be hard on the stomach."

Tony grimaces apologetically. "I was thinking about that too. The elevator thing, not the people thing. We can take the stairs if you want?"

"Our floor is up pretty high."

"I know."

The elevator dings and the doors slide open for us, inviting us in. At least no one is on it, so if I throw up again it won't be as bad.

"It's fine." I tell Tony before stepping into the elevator. "It's a short ride, right?"

"Right."

Tony pushes the button for our floor and we watch as the elevator doors slowly close in front of us. The initial take off is the worst. It jolts my stomach in an unsettling way, one that makes me wonder how stable my stomach actually is.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Tony glance over at me nervously, probably wondering if I'll be able to keep it together or not. For the sake of both of us, I pray I do. I repeat a mantra in my head over and over telling me to breathe and everything will be fine.

The screen on the elevator showing us the number of the floor we're on finally, finally shows our number. The elevator jolts to a stop, the doors opening to let us out. Without a second of hesitation I step out, happy to be on solid, non-moving ground. 

"Surprised you didn't throw up in there." Tony remarks as we turn down the hallway where our room is.

"Fuck, me too." I say. "What room are we again? 917? 915?"

"1120, but you were close." he says.

Sure enough, Tony turns and puts the keycard into room 1120. The door goes from red to green, unlocking with a little beep. Tony pushes the door open, stepping to the side as he holds it so I can walk through like the gentleman he is.

"You know you didn't have to walk me back, right?" I say to Tony. "It wasn't a far walk, I would've been fine on my own."

"Kody, you're a woman who's drunk. You really think we'd let you leave alone?"

"I can fight."

He shoots me a look. "Not the point." he says. "Do you need water or, like, bread or anything?"

I shake my head at him which I instantly regret because it the shaking motion doesn't help the whole the room is already spinning thing I'm experiencing right now.

"I'm just going to get ready for bed. I think sleep is the way to go."

"Good thinking." Tony says. He goes over to his bed and slides onto it, propping himself up against the pillows at the head of the bed. 

Even though Tony looks perfectly content sitting on his bed, playing on his phone, I still feel bad. This guy doesn't even like me and now I've gone and ruined his entire night by getting too drunk and throwing up everywhere, and since we share a hotel a room, he of course felt like he was the one who had to bring me back. 

I hesitate at the bathroom door, trying to decide if I should just leave him there to do his thing or if I should offer him an out. I decide on the latter.

"You can go back to the bar, if you want." I tell Tony. 

"I'm fine here." he says.

I hesitate again before pushing more.

"I know you don't want to be here with me."

Tony drops his phone down and looks up at me. "Why're you saying that?"

If I had been sober I'd say never mind and I'd go take my shower, an extra long one, and then would go to bed without thinking too much of why Tony shouldn't be here with me. My drunk mouth, however, loves to let my secrets slip so before I know it, I'm talking again.

"I know you hate me." I say. "It's obvious, and it's obvious you don't want to be here in this room with me ever."

"I've never said that." he says, his voice deep. His dark eyes are boring into mine from across the room. They're so intense that it feels like they're holding me to my spot, making it so I'm unable to move.

"You didn't have to say it. Like I said, it's obvious."

Tony continues to stare back at me for a couple more seconds before he drops his gaze to his phone. He grabs it in the middle of the screen with his right hand and spins it slowly, using his other hand to move it clockwise and counter clockwise.

"I don't hate you." Tony sighs. He runs a hand through his hair. Lucky him, his hair isn't soaked from sweat. "I...it's complicated."

"Uncomplicate it."

"It's not that easy."

Talking with Tony about shit like this feels like talking to a brick wall. Every single time we get close to the actual issue, he backs off. He almost tells me, almost lets it out for me to know, but then pulls back last second. Every. Single. Time.

The worst part is, I'm pretty sure I know what the problem is anyway. It's the whole Mike. Mike left the band suddenly and it devastated all of them, I know that, but also, they needed a drummer. It's not like I pushed Mike out of the band, I just happened to be the person filling in because of his absence. I get if Tony is upset about it, and I get that he won't be able to just accept a new drummer in a second, but it's been weeks now. Weeks of me trying to fit in and I think I've done a great job.

And, yeah, okay, the whole Freddie part of it definitely hindered my likeability on Tony's side, but again, I had no idea about that whole thing until, like, a week ago. I thought Tony didn't like Freddie because Freddie's kind of a dick, I never imagined it would've been because Freddie slept with Tony's girlfriend. Besides, that has nothing to do with me anyway, that's between them two.

Those two things are the answers as to why Tony doesn't like me. I know it. Tony knows it. Hell, Vic and Jaime know it. We all know it, and yet Tony refuses to talk about it with me. It's frustrating beyond belief, so instead of carrying on the conversation and getting nowhere with it, I step into the bathroom and close the door behind me, leaving the conversation - and Tony - behind.

Chapter Text

"Jesus, are you drinking already?"

Vic, Jaime and I are having our morning coffee in our hotel lobby when Jaime places his cup a little too close to me, giving me a whiff of what seems to be the strongest alcohol ever and maybe a splash of coffee.

Normally I wouldn't judge. We're on the other side of the world on a rock tour, right? This is what we're supposed to do, this is what everyone thinks we do already. The only thing is, it's nine in the morning. On a Monday.

Jaime holds up his cup in a way of cheers. "When in Rome." he says.

"God, I'd love to go to Rome." I muse out loud, thinking of all the pretty sights there are to see in Rome.

Obviously, I'd go see the Colosseum first. Seeing where all those ancient gladiatorial fights took place and the rich history behind it would be an experience in itself. After touring the Colosseum and learning everything possible about the place, I'd of course find myself in the Vatican.

I'm not one for religion, but something about Vatican City and all the ancient history and the art is worth going for. I mean, who doesn't want to see some of the oldest, most beautiful art known to human? You'd have to be crazy to pass that up.

"I heard there's a mountain around here that when you climb it, you can see Rome from it." Jaime tells me, pulling me from my inner itinerary.

I stare at him, eyebrows raised in excitement. "No way."

"Yep."

"Where?"

"Let me check." he says as he pulls his phone out. Vic peers over at his phone as he types. "It's...like literally right next to us."

Jaime turns his phone around to show me. Sure enough, there is a mountain that apparently let's you see Rome when you climb it. The photos show it as being very small, but still, Rome is Rome, and I want to see it.

"Should we go?" I ask the guys, a stupid, excited smile on my face. "I mean, when will we get this opportunity again?"

"Never." Vic says. "I think we should go."

Vic and I look at Jaime for confirmation. He's still looking at his phone, reading into it. He scrolls a couple more times before he peers up at us, a grin splitting across his face.

"Go get Tony and we'll head out." Jaime says to me. "We'll meet you in the lobby in 10."

"Okay!" I say, grinning at him excitedly as we all get up from our spot, downing the rest of our drinks quickly.

I all but sprint up to my hotel room, excited to go and have some real, genuine fun. I can't wait to tell Tony either. I know he's going to be just as excited as I am, or at least I hope so.

I take the stairs two at a time, absolutely flying up the stairs until I get to the third floor. Bursting out of the stairwell door, I take a left right away and get into the hallway of our room. The third door down is ours, which I quickly insert my card into and fling the door wide open.

"Tony!" I yell into the room, my eyes scanning the room. "We're going -." I say, stopping dead in my tracks as my eyes fall upon Tony.

Tony is sitting with his legs crossed on the bed with his head in his hands and he is very clearly crying. He lifts his head up from his hands, his eyes red and watery and he looks at me with a face of complete anguish. My heart sinks in my chest at the sight of him like this.

"Are you okay?" I ask him.

"Do I look okay?" he retorts, wiping his eyes with his hands.

If he were looking even ten percent less upset, I would've jokingly said yes. I would've told him he looks better than ever and that I've never seen him looking so peppy, however right now I don't think that would lighten the mood.

"Do...do you want me to leave?" I offer. He's already going through it, I highly doubt he wants me of all people here. "I can go out for a bit and give you some alone time."

"No."

I stand there not really knowing what to do. I don't want to push anything by getting too close, but the sensitive side in me is begging for me to cross the room and comfort him.

I may not know what to do with Tony right now, but I do know that he's in no mood to go out right now, so as Tony tries to pull himself together, I take out my phone and text Jaime. I tell him that Tony is in the shower and that I'll wait for him to get out to ask if he wants to go. Jaime texts back right away telling me that him and Vic will wait, but I respond by telling him not to. I say that I'll update him in ten and that worst case we'll join them, but they don't need to wait for us.

Jaime offers once more to wait for us, which I refuse. He sends me a thumbs up reaction emoji, which in Jaime's books means everything's okay.

With that dealt with, I slip my phone into my back pocket and focus my attention back on the situation at hand. Tony's pulled himself fairly together by now, but his face still evidently shows signs of distress.

I glance around the room for anything to look at or do, but I come up with nothing. The white walls are still white, the beds are still the same with the same blankets on them, and our broken curtain hasn't been fixed. There's nothing to report back, so I continue to awkwardly stand there.

Tony's phone goes off, making me jump as it vibrates against the wooden nightstand. Tony glances over at the screen before reaching over and turning his phone off. He lays it back down onto the nightstand, only this time he puts it face down.

I watch as his eyes fill up again with tears. He closes them, breathing in a heavy sigh and then lets his head fall back against the headboard of his bed.

"Do you ever feel like everything sucks?" Tony asks me, his voice shaky.

"Sometimes." I tell him.

He doesn't follow up with a response. He stays there, head back as tears fall down his face. He doesn't make a single attempt at wiping them. I watch as they fall in a steady, heartbreaking stream down his cheeks, dripping onto his grey shirt and leaving little puddles of tears.

I've known Tony for long enough now to know that he likes his space. Hell, he told me that within the first week of us knowing one another. Because of this, even though I want to comfort him, I hesitate.

I don't know if Tony wants to be comforted, let alone be comforted by me. But seeing him distraught like this makes me push past this uncertainty. My feet move me towards him until I'm sat on the opposite side of his bed. Close enough to be there for him, but far enough to give him the space I know he craves.

He doesn't even open an eye or move a muscle when he feels me sit down on the bed with him. The most that happens is the tears slowing down.

"I know you're a private person." I start, my voice calm and steady. "But if you want to talk about it, I'm here."

Tony nods once at me. The room falls silent again except for the sound of me swallowing - loud. I feel like I can drown in the tension of the room, the uncertainty of it all taking over every one of my senses and leaving me feeling lost.

I'm pondering on whether or not I should get up and give Tony is alone time when he talks, the sound breaking the silence that's been surrounding us.

"It's rough being on the road like this." Tony says. "You know, it's great to change people's lives and make them feel again, but, fuck, it's long and it-it sucks sometimes."

"Yeah." I say softly. I can't relate like Tony can because I'm not under the constant pressure that he's under to be perfect. This is also my first time being on tour, it's still exciting to me whereas it's longer and harder for Tone. "It's long, yeah, but we got this."

"I know." he says, voice tense. "I know we got it, and that's part of the problem. I got everything all the time, all at once. I got the fans, I got Jaime and Vic, I got the label people and my own family to all look after."

Tony's voice gets increasingly shaky as he continues to talk. His words are wobbly, his speech is fast and his eyes are filing with tears again.

"My grandfather isn't doing good." Tony says to me. His voice shakes at the end of his sentence, like he was trying to keep it together but couldn't quite fully do it. "He has cancer and it's getting worse. A lot worse. And I'm here on the other side of the fucking world, unable to do anything for him."

Oh shit. I don't know what I was expecting Tony to say to explain what's got him so upset, but it wasn't that. I wasn't expecting a life-or-death situation that puts one's morality at risk.

I have to admit, I'm out of my element with this. I've been lucky enough in life that I've never lost anyone close to me. The most I've ever gone through is losing a couple of childhood animals and a distant relative or two. I've never had to watch someone's life slowly be taken from them. I've never felt that hopelessness that accompanies it.

But Tony's feeling that right now, and I need to figure out what to say to him to try and make things better. I search inside and try to find something, but nothing seems good enough to help. No amount of sorrys or prayers will help fix the heartache he's feeling, and it certainly won't help his grandfather, and yet I still need to say something. Anything.

"He knows you're here for him." I tell Tony. "I'm sure you're messaging him whenever you can and I know he's proud of you, and he knows how much you want to be there with him."

"It won't mean anything if he dies and I'm not there." Tony retorts in a steely voice.

"Tony, no one is dying yet." I say to him softly. "Is your grandpa in the hospital, unable to eat or drink anything?"

"No." he says. "But-"

"But nothing! He's okay, right?"

"He has cancer, he's not okay."

"No, he's not, but he's also not actively seconds away from losing his battle." I say. "Where is he right now?"

"He's at my aunt's. She worked in hospice before, it seemed appropriate he went to live with her." he tells me.

"And where are they? San Diego?"

"Yeah, they live like two blocks away from my parent's place."

This is something I can work with. When I was younger, I had my fair share of anxiety, and I always found that thinking of a good memory or a safe place was the one way to calm myself down. I'd picture all the details to the point where it felt like I was back at that location again, and I would allow myself to live in it just enough to calm myself down. I haven't done it in a while, yet I'm sure I can easily guide Tony into it with the right questions.

"What's your parents place like?"

Tony leaned back against the headboard again, only this time he's doing it in peace. He lets his eyes drift close as he tells me about his parents house.

"It's warm." he tells me. "The sun is shining in from what seems like every window in the house. Especially the kitchen. My mom loves having a kitchen full of light."

"What else does she love about the house?"

"She loves the front porch. She'll sit out there all day if she can." he says. A small smile finds its way to Tony's face for the first time since I came in here.

"Do you go out there all the time with her?"

"Oh yeah. We sit on the porch for hours sometimes."

"What do you talk about?"

"Random stuff. Family. The band. Birthdays coming up. She likes to ask me about my love life."

"I bet you don't tell her a single thing."

"I don't. It drives her crazy."

I laugh at him and surprisingly, Tony also laughs with me. It's a small chuckle, one that doesn't last long, but it's still a start. At least now he's as upset as he was moments ago.

Once he stops laughing, Tony lays his head back against the headboard in peace. We don't say anything to one another now, we just listen to the sounds around us, like the sound of the bustling restaurant beside us and the chatter from its patrons. There's also the faint sound of vehicles passing by and every so often we hear some music in passing.

All in all, it sounds like every other day here on the other side of the world. It sounds calmer, quiet. It sounds like something I could get used to.

"Where are we going?" he asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

I look at him confused. "What?"

"You busted through the door yelling that we're going somewhere." he says.

The memory from before plays through my head. Me, slamming through the door in excitement only to find Tony in his moment of weakness. My heart drops a little in my head as I picture it again, my empathy wanting me to comfort Tony all over again despite the fact that he's fine right now.

Not fine enough to exactly go out, I imagine, but I tell him anyway because I know he'll keep pestering me to tell him if I don't do it now.

"We're, uh, gonna go climb this mountain nearby. Apparently you can see Rome from the top of it, and I thought-" I start to explain when Tony cuts me off.

"What the hell are you still doing here?"

I look at him bewilderedly. I'm not sure if he was expecting me to walk in, see him upset and then just leave as if nothing was wrong. I'm not that kind of person and I don't want to become it either. 

"Um...talking to you...?" I say slowly, not sure if this is the right answer or not.

"Since we got here you've been talking about Rome and how you want to see it."

"Yeah, but this isn't really Rome." 

"So?" Tony asks as he hops off the bed. He motions for me to get up too. "Let's go."

I shake my head at him. "Tony, no. You're not feeling great, and -"

"Who cares how I'm feeling? We're going."

"No, I can't ask you to do that."

"You're not asking, and neither am I. I'm telling you that we're going." he says, tone strong and steady.

"Jaime and Vic already left-"

"Kody. We're going."

Despite my still present hesitance, I can't help the smile that fights its way onto my face. Tony's right, I've wanted to see Rome since we got here and I have not been quiet about it either. 

Some nights we'd all be getting ready for a show or laying low after one, and I'd find myself going on Google Maps to find the distance between us and Rome to see if we could realistically make it there and back in time for our next show.

At night, before falling asleep, I often find myself drifting off while thinking of my itinerary in Rome. It occupies my mind more than I care to admit, and sometimes the guys make fun of me for it, but they've all been to Rome already so they don't know how it feels to be so close and yet not step foot there.

So, now, when Tony tells me that we're going to climb the mountain that lets us see Rome, I don't argue more than I already have. Instead, I throw on my best hiking shoes - a beat-up pair of old Vans, and Tony and I race out the door, excited to go see my dream together.

Chapter Text

I am certifiably exhausted.

The travelling and the shows have left me completely and utterly tired beyond a point I've ever felt before. After last night's show I literally fell asleep in the dressing room which is wild considering how much energy had been pumping through me not even 10 minutes beforehand.

Even tonight's show was a struggle to get through. I tried my best to hype myself up, but we've been playing shows nonstop since we got here and to make matters worse, we've been going out almost every single night after each show which means I'm spending more energy than I have in me.

The guys have been chugging energy drinks like they're paid for it, and even though I've tried my hand at that trick, I don't see much of a difference in my energy levels. The thing I need the most is rest, which is why I'm not joining in on the festivities tonight.

I'm currently belly down in my bed, my laptop open in front of me with a bag of chips opened beside me. I'm in my comfiest pajamas - a set I got from my mom for Christmas last year that features a sleeping Snoopy on the front of the shirt. The matching shorts are red like Snoopy's dog house, and there's a little baby Snoopy on the bottom of the shorts in the front left side. They're my favourites yet and I knew if I felt lonely on tour that these would bring me the comfort I need.

As I'm cueing up Super Store, Tony comes out of the bathroom, fresh from a shower. The smell of soap and cologne follows him as he walks over to his bed where his suitcase is open, clothes bursting out of it like a bomb went off in the suitcase.

"Not going out tonight?" Tony asks as he rifles around in his suitcase. He throws a stray glance my way, raising an eyebrow at my pajamas but he doesn't dare bring up how childish they are.

"Nope." I say, popping the 'p' in the word. "I'm taking it easy tonight. You're going?"

"I was considering it." he says.

"Yeah? Where are you guys going tonight?"

"I don't know." he says. He stops looking through his suitcase so he can look over at me again. "I think to the same place we went to Thursday." as he goes back to rummaging around amongst his clothes.

"You going to visit the spot where I threw up?"

"Yeah, we were going to take a photo there and everything for you. You know, that way on the next tour we can have a great memory for all of us to look back on."

"You mean all of you." I say. Tony gives me a confused look so I clarify. "I won't be with you guys, remember?"

Tony officially gives up on looking for whatever the hell it is he's spent this entire time searching for. He closes his suitcase with the clothes still spilling out and zips it halfway up before moving it to the floor in between our beds.

"Why not?" Tony asks me.

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Seriously?"

"What?"

How can he not recall this moment? He outright told me that I wouldn't ever be a part of them because he - Tony Perry - didn't want me to be a part of them. It crushed me. Like, heart in throat, can't even function, crushed me, and here he is acting like he doesn't remember.

"You told me I wouldn't be on your next tour."

Tony takes a seat on the edge of his bed, right beside me. He clasps his hands together on his lap with his thumbs pressed together and pointed up.

"When the hell did I say that?"

"At the start of this tour. You told me I wouldn't be with you guys for the next one because you don't want me there."

"Oh." he says, pink colouring his cheeks. He runs a hand through his hair and gives me a bashful look. "That wasn't my best look. I'm sorry."

"It's fine." I tell him.

In the grand scheme of things what Tony said weeks ago shouldn't matter anymore. Now that him and I are finally on good terms together, we should leave the past in the past, right?

"It's not." Tony argues. "I was a dick to you when you didn't deserve it, so, um, I am sorry, Kody."
he says, his thumbs starting to twiddle in the way they do when he's nervous. "I was holding a lot of resentment towards you because of Freddie."

"Yeah, I figured." I say.

"Yeah, well, obviously the anger was misplaced."

From down the hall we hear the sound of a door loudly slamming shut, causing both of us to jump. We were so wrapped up in the fact that we're finally talking, like actually talking, that the pull back into reality is unexpected.

I pull us right back into our talk by not letting the moment pass us by. I've waited far too long now to have a stupid door ruin this conversation for me.

"I don't blame you for it." I tell him. "I actually kind of get it."

"Do you?"

I nod at him. "Yeah, for sure. I imagine what Freddie did was awful for you, so to see me with him, especially thinking I knew, would piss me off too."

"It was definitely shitty." Tony confirms. "And, you know, you'd think I'd be over it by now - and I thought I was - until I saw him again and everything came rushing back. It was like I was back there when it first happened."

"Sense memory will do that to you." I tell him softly. I don't want to push the subject anymore but it also seems like he wants to actually talk about it, so I'm trying to allow him the space to do it as comfortably and naturally as I can.

"Yeah, well, that's one memory I didn't want to have to relive. It sucked when it happened and it sucks now."

"It's always going to suck a little." I tell him.

"Yeah, especially considering the ring I had for her." he says. "I didn't even get the chance to give it to her. I was going to and then that night is the night I walked in on them."

My heart breaks for Tony. This guy thought he was dating the love of his life, the woman with whom he'd spend the rest of his days with, and then in one single night it was shattered. Granted, from what I heard it happened more than once, but still, Tony had to walk in and physically see them in the act. That's got to hurt for a long, long time.

"Guess that's a good way to save five grand on jewelry, right?" he says with a grin that fades as quickly as it came on. "I know this is selfish to say, but I'm glad you guys broke up."

"Ha, yeah." I say. "Me too, honestly."

"Yeah?" he asks, eyebrow raised in surprise.

"Yeah." I say with a little nod. I pull myself up into a sitting position, sitting with my legs crisscrossed. "I guess I can kind of relate to you know thanks to Freddie."

"What does that mean?"

"Oh." I say, stopping for a second. "Vic didn't tell you what happened?"

"No, he didn't tell me anything."

I should've figured, honestly. Vic is big on respecting people's privacy. Even when it came to telling me about Freddie and Tony, Vic didn't want to be the one to say it, he only did because he felt like he had to. So, really, I shouldn't be so surprised that Vic didn't tell Tony, and yet I still am shocked that he would keep it to himself.

"Oh." I say again. "Uh, Freddie cheated on me. Probably with a bunch of people, but I only know of the one."

"Oh, shit, Kody. I'm sorry." Tony says genuinely. "That guys a fucking dick."

"Yeah." I agree with a laugh. "He's the worst, isn't he?"

"He is." he agrees.

Tony gets up from his spot on his bed and comes over to mine, taking a seat close to me. I feel this weird feeling inside of me, like something is pressing down on my chest, making it harder to breathe now that he's here. My stomach reacts too, sending an arsenal of butterflies to flutter around inside of me. By time Tony puts a comforting hand on my back I feel like I'm about to pass out.

I swallow the feelings - hard - as I try to remain as normal as I can appear. I can't let Tony know that I have these thoughts and feelings about him. We just got to a normal place, I can't fuck it up now.

"You want to talk about it?" Tony asks me, his voice soft and comforting.

"Um," I say dragging out the 'm' sound for far too long. "N-no. Not really."

"You sure?"

My heart is beating so fast it's a wonder Tony can't hear it.

"I'm sure." I say to him. "But I appreciate it."

Tony nods at me, an understanding nod. He's been somewhat in this situation himself, he knows the weird shame and humiliation that comes with it. Even though you've done nothing wrong, it still reflects on you in a way - or at least that's how it feels. Because of that, it's not something I want to talk about even if it's with someone who understands me.

With nothing left to say on the topic, we both look around the room to search for something to make conversation about. From the corner of my eye I watch as Tony's eyes drift from me over to my laptop screen that's still opened in front of me with the opening of Super Store.

"Oh, shit, you like Super Store too?" he asks, a hint of a smile on his face. "I'm a Mateo guy at heart."

"Yes! I love Mateo! I honestly cried when he - wait, have you seen the whole thing?" I ask before I accidentally let any spoilers lose.

"Nah, haven't really had the time to watch all the seasons." he says. I shoot him an amused look, eyebrows raised and smirk on my face. "What the hell is that look for?"

"We were on a plane ride for, what, eight hours the other day?" I point out. "Plenty of time then."

"Yeah, but Sleepless in Seattle was on." he says, his tone almost whiny.

"Okay, so you had five hours left."

"I was sleepy."

It's true, Tony apparently passes out hard on planes. Before our journey over here, the guys were making fun of Tony for the fact that no matter how hard he tries to stay awake during plane rides, he can never quite manage it. They said he can stay awake for maybe three or four hours tops but only if it's a long ride, like 14 hours or something, otherwise he's out like a light.

I figured the guys were exaggerating as they normally do. I mean, Tony managed to stay awake through an entire movie despite the claims that he was a chronic plane sleeper. After Sleepless in Seattle was done he cued up another movie but before even ten had gone by, he was passed out and remained that way for the rest of the flight.

Honestly I think it's cute. It's such a fundamentally sweet and sincere, almost childlike thing. Something's in movement and that movement soothes him to the point of slumber. Adorable.

"You mind if I watch with you?" Tony asks, nodding to my laptop at the show.

"I thought you were going out?" I blurt out.

It's not like I don't want Tony here, I do - and that's the problem. I like spending time with him. I like having him near me in general, whether out in public or inside like we are now. It gives me this weird sense of calm. Even when he was a dick to me, something about his presence kept me coming back.

Now it's no different, except for the fact that I've been having some, um, thoughts about him lately. Sleeping in the same room as him, hearing him in the shower, smelling his cologne and his scent everywhere has made me see him in a different light and it turns out it's a light that I really, really like.

"I think I want to take it easy tonight." Tony says, pulling me back into reality. He pushes back against my headboard, making himself comfortable. "If that's cool with you?"

That little voice in my head, the one that gets my hopes up, is coming up with some creative ideas as to how much Tony likes me right now. I squash the voice, putting it out of my mind and answer Tony like the chill, normal girl I am.

"It's cool." I tell him. "I'll hook my laptop up to the TV for some real good viewing."

"Cool, I'll order us some food if you're down?" he offers.

"Yeah, I'm down."

He grabs his phone from beside him to look for places to order from as I get up and connect my laptop into the TV, the big screen coming alive with the Super Store intro.

"Anything specific?" he asks me.

"You choose." I say, and then a beat later. "I trust you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've started writing a new fic that should be dropping by Nov 😎

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter Text

One of my favourite things about the tour expanding into Europe is the signings we get to do. Since we have smaller venues and more frequent shows in the same area, we offered a VIP package to fans that includes some free merch and a quick meet-and-greet with us.

Thus far into the signings I haven't been the most popular which is completely fine and truthfully, it's fine. I get it from the fan's perspective so instead of being overly offended, I just kick back and enjoy the time for what it is.

Today's signing is no different in terms of my popularity. The entire thing goes by without me getting much notice. That's why when a very nervous girl who looks to be about 13-14 years old comes up to me, her eyes wide with nerves, I don't notice by much. I chalk it up to her being nervous about meeting the two cute, talented guys beside me. She's holding a poster in her hands which is shaking slightly, just enough to be noticeable. She comes right up to me, nervous smile on her face.

"Hi!" I say to her, making sure she sees that I'm excited to greet her. It'll either calm her nerves or worsen them, but that's a gamble I'll have to take. I uncap my sharpie, ready to sign anything she has. "How're you doing?"

"H-hi." she says, stuttering. "C-could you, um, sign this?"

Signing posters of the band is a given at this point. There's some photos of all four of us out there and we see them on the signing table a lot, and we even have some to give out for anyone who wants one.

For the most part, though, the posters don't include me. They're mainly the three guys, or the guys with Mike. Sometimes the fans push right past me for signatures too, which I completely understand, although it does suck a little. Makes me feel like I'm not part of the band - which I'm not - but still. It stings.

Today, though, something happens that has never happened before. As the girl in front of my lays her poster down on the table, I see that the poster is of me. Not us as a band. Not the guys at all. It's me.

I'm dressed in all black, black T-shirt and black ripped jeans with my wavy hair loose around my shoulders. The drum set in front of me is the current one I have with the Pierce the Veil emblem front and center, and my arms are raised as I'm about to smack down on the drums.

I stare down at the photo, uncontrollable grin on my face at this.

"Of course, I'll sign it." I say to her as I start to scrawl out a message at the bottom of the poster for her. "What's your name?"

"Lucy." she says, voice so low it's a wonder I could hear her at all. "I, um, want to be a drummer too someday."

"Yeah? Do you play?"

"A little." she says, nervous smile on her face. "My teacher says I'm too weak. He says I don't hit hard enough."

"Your teachers wrong." I tell her. Out the corner of my eye I can see the guys watching us, probably filled with the same awe I am over this kid. "You're finding your rhythm and sometimes people have a softer one, but that doesn't mean you're not doing it right."

"So you think I can be a drummer?"

I finish signing her poster, leaving an inspiring and heartful dedication to her and hand it back over the table.

"You are a drummer." I tell her. "Keep playing, okay?"

She tells me she will and excitedly moves down the line to talk to the guys, getting them to sign a separate poster. It might not seem like much to anyone else, but this interaction alone has made me feel more involved in the band than I ever thought I could.

I use that high to float through the rest of the signing and even all the way down to the dressing room before we wait to go on for our set.

"That kid seemed to like you." Vic remarks as we lounge in the dressing room.

"Yeah, she hardly looked at the rest of us. It made me feel like a second tier member of the band." Jaime says with a chuckle.

"Seriously." Vic says. "Chopped liver over here."

If this has been a couple of weeks ago, I would feel almost guilty that the guys are saying these things to me. It'd feel like I was changing the band and making it - and myself - into something it's not. Now, though, I know they're just fucking around with me and that they're actually happy that I had a specific fan come up to me.

"I don't know..." I say slowly with a shrug. "Maybe you guys should just...do better?"

"Wow, it's going to be like that?" Jaime says, eyebrows raised. "Okay, okay, I see how it is."

"Yeah, what the hell? Fame has made you into a monster." Tony chimes in.

"Yeah, yeah." I say, waving off their comments. "You guys are just jealous."

A knock sounds from behind. Turning, I see that one of the stage crew is standing in the doorway, his headpiece pushed back from his ear so he can talk to us.

"You guys need to get mic'd up." the stagehand tells us. "Go see Zach over near the stage exit, okay?"

"Will do, Todd." Vic says, shooting him finger guns.

Despite the fact that we've just all been told we need to move, none of us do. We're all far too comfortable sitting on the leather chairs in our dressing room. That, and, well, we're all fucking exhausted by this point of the tour and any rest time we get is time we majorly take advantage of.

Because of this, we all go back to looking at our phones. I shoot a quick text to Emmy in response to her question about how everything's going. I tell her that I think things are going to get better, that I'm starting to feel really good where I am. I have just enough time to send the text out before Jaime is getting up and telling the rest of us to get up too. I do as I'm told while Tony and Vic don't move.

"You know Henrietta will be pissed if we're late on stage again." Jaime says to us.

He has a point. For the last four shows we've managed to somehow get on stage at least ten minutes late each time which is crazy work considering we've been getting to the venues early. We're just a bit slow on getting ready especially now that our energy levels are almost completely depleted.

"Yeah, yeah." Tony says as he pulls himself up out of his chair. "Let's get this over with."

"Great attitude to have for our show." Vic jokes.

"You know I didn't mean the show." Tony retorts. He crosses the room, walking in front of Vic and giving him a soft kick on the shoe. "Get up."

Groaning, Vic pulls himself up from his chair. He acts like this is the hardest thing he's ever had to do in his life, dragging his feet and everything. The guys ignore his dramatic antics, turning their back on him as they walk out the door so we can all go get ready for our set.

"I don't know what the point of us getting everything set up." Jaime says as we get backstage to where we were told to go. "Everyone's here to see Kody, not us."

"You're so right, Jaime." Vic chimes in.

The eye roll I give him is astronomical. My eyes roll so far back into my head that I swear it hurts for a second, that's how hard I roll them.

"Shut up." I tell them.

"I second that." Tony adds. "Not because of the conversation or anything, just because I'm tired of hearing you guys."

Jaime opens his mouth to retort with something that I assume is going to be unbelievably rude yet funny, only he doesn't get the chance because Zach comes over to us with all of our equipment we need on us during the show. We all patiently wait to get set up, then we do our checks to make sure everything is working.

Within the next 30 minutes we're on stage playing our third song of the night. The crowd's energy is crazy as always which is appreciated as it fuels our energy as well.

Around our halfway mark, the guys do their usual guitar tosses which sends the crowd into a roar. I can't help the smile that finds its way onto my face. The fans truly are the reason we love to do this.

We have two songs left when something crazy happens. I mean, like, completely out of this world, never thought it would happen, can hardly believe my eyes crazy. For the first time ever since we've been playing, Tony comes over to me. Sweaty and breathing hard, he grins at me as he comes over to in front of my podium.

I try not to let it affect me too much. Only a matter of weeks ago Tony was giving me shit for being too "sloppy" during our set because I was having too much fun, so I don't want to fuck up now especially considering how well Tony and I are getting along.

I barely manage to keep my excitement together as I focus on my drums and the wild crowd that is screaming and jumping for us. We're about halfway through the song when Tony looks back at me, grinning again, and then he turns and climbs up onto the podium with me.

Without realizing it or not, my energy picks up on the drums. The crowd's screams and Tony's grin fuels something in me and I realize for the first time since I got here, I feel like I really truly belong. I feel like I'm actually part of this and that I'm meant to be here with everyone else.

I let myself melt into the moment, trying to open up my brain to really accept this memory into it. I take in all the crowd, to the crowd surfers who are actively falling to the crying fans who are pushed flush against the barricade. Every moment I can capture, I can.

The moment that I capture the most is the next one with Tony. He swings his head back to move his wet, sweaty hair out of his face and then winks at me, a devilish grin forming on his face. I'm still stuck in that moment by time he jumps down from the podium and goes back to "his" side of the stage.

I guess this entire band thing isn't so bad after all...

Chapter Text

I pride myself on not being too girly. Growing up with an older brother, I was kind of forced into the more "male" hobbies like skateboarding and sports. I played with cars and trucks and stuff, not dolls. 

My parents liked it when I was younger because it meant they didn't have to buy two kinds of toys for Adam and I. It's only when Emmy came along that they had to buy Barbies and dress-up outfits. Around the same time, they started pushing me to be more girly despite pushing me in the opposite direction my whole life.

It never took. Even now I find myself defaulting to wearing comfy clothes over dressy ones and staying in to play videogames rather than to do my hair or makeup. 

The one thing I especially don't enjoy that's deemed "girly" is getting emotional. I try to always lock my feelings up, so I don't have to deal with them, and for the most part it works, however right now with Tony it's not working so great. 

He and I are sat side by side on my small double bed watching episode two of season six of Superstore. The episode which Jonah and Amy break up in a heartbreaking, painstaking way.

I hold my breath for the entire episode, not wanting to spoil it for Tony. I play a delicate game of watching him from the side of my eye, careful to not make it too obvious as he watches the screen intently, flinching slightly at the breakup. I'm so focused on him that I barely pay attention to what's happening on the screen, which is a win for me because I don't get teary eyed like I usually do when this scene comes on.

"That's rough." Tony remarks, his eyes glued to the screen in front of him. 

"Amy doesn't appreciate Jonah enough." I say. 

"Some people don't know how good they have it." Tony remarks.

The way he says it and the look on his face as he talks makes me realize that he's thinking of his past relationship with Candice. His mind is focused on the past, focused on the woman who he thought he'd share the rest of his life with, the same woman who took him for granted and threw out their entire relationship.

The words are out of my mouth before I can even try to stop them.

"Like Candice?" I ask.

Tony blinks, his gaze fluttering away from the TV in front of us and to the end of the bed near my legs.

"Yeah, like Candice." he says. His voice takes on this softness when he speaks her name. It's clear that the love he had for her was gentle and delicate, one of pure love. So pure it still shows up in his tone now, years and betrayals later. "I think the shittiest part - besides losing my girlfriend - was the fact that we still had to do the rest of the tour with Freddie. You know him, you know he didn't let me live it down."

"I don't doubt it."

"He'd pass me by on his way off stage and would tell me that Candice misses me. It was obviously an attempt to throw me off for our set, and of course it fucking worked. I know I shouldn't have let him bother me like that, but when the guy who fucked your girlfriend walks by you and brags about it and taunts you, yeah, it's gonna piss you off."

"Which only made him want to do it more." I say.

"Yep. Fucking dick."

"Agreed."

Tony's eyes slide away from the bed and towards me. "Why'd you date him at all?"

I sigh and lay against the pillow right beside him, my body placed sideways so I can face him as we talk.

"Honestly? He was sweet at first. A little lost and very chaotic, but he was sweet to me. Eager too." I say which makes Tony wrinkle up his face in disgust. "I didn't mean that way, I meant eager to know me and spend time with me. He was always trying to get me to go to his place or go out with him. It was sweet to be wanted in that way."

"He sure puts in the effort." Tony says almost sarcastically.

I have to admit, even though Freddie has a lot of downsides about him and he cheated on me, it wasn't all bad. Like I said, he was always trying to see me, putting in the effort of spending time together. Even when our schedules were packed tight he would make the effort to try and see one another.

Freddie also remembered the little things which I always liked. He knew that I liked cotton candy, so he would track down all the weirdest flavours possible. For my birthday one year he even rented a cotton candy machine. We spent the day coming up with gross combinations until our tummies hurt from all the sugar.

Yet despite all the love and effort he put in, he still chose to ruin our relationship, and he even tried to deny it when I confronted him with it. Not only that, but he ruined Tony's relationship and his trust in people. For those things alone, I can't say Freddie is a good person.

"Would you ever be with Candice again?" I ask Tony suddenly. "Like, if she genuinely was sorry and -"

"No." Tony says quickly, not even waiting for the end of the question. "No, I'd never be with her again."

"Even if you forgave her?"

"I'd never forgive her." he says. "Nothing could make me trust her again."

"Nothing?"

Tony opens his mouth to reply then quickly closes it with a sigh. I motion for him to carry on and say the thing. We're finally talking after weeks of him being mean to me, and after weeks of being in Europe and building a relationship up, I can't have him clam up now.

"Could you ever trust Freddie again?" he asks me.

I don't need to think of it either, my answer comes as quick as Tony's did.

"No." I say. "I couldn't."

"Exactly. That's one of the things I don't think anyone can come back from. Besides, why would we want to be with them again anyway? We're doing good now."

"Yeah, but we're alone."

"Not right now we're not."

I'm sure Tony didn't intend for his words to sound the way that they do, like he's implying him and I are together, but that is the way they sound and for that reason alone, my cheeks start warming up. I roll myself over from my side to my back so I can turn my face towards the window so Tony doesn't see the uncontrollable blush he's caused.

Being around Tony these past couple of days has been amazing to the point where sometimes at night when we're sitting together like we are now, I close my eyes for a moment and I picture him and I being together for real. I imagine reaching out to grab his hand, happy knowing that he'll grab mine right back. I think of all the things we'd do together and pretend like he's going to be in my bed when I wake up in the morning.

But it's not reality, and so the dream always comes crashing down moments later as I settle back into the real world and real dynamic we have. Even though Tony might be saying things that let's my imagination run wild, it's not the truth.

Truth is, we're bandmates. Technically speaking, coworkers, and everyone knows that you don't date or sleep with your coworkers. It's, like, work 101.

The warm sensation of something on my wrist pulls me from my thoughts and I look over to see Tony's hand resting on me.

"You okay?" he asks, voice soft and quiet. His thumb strokes up and down on my arm. "I know you and Freddie just broke up, I-"

"I don't care about Freddie." I blurt out.

I squeeze my eyes shut as hard as I can, embarrassed not only by the way my body responded to Tony's simple touch, but also by how fucking weird and awkward I am sometimes. It's like my entire brain seizes up and turns off and my body has to fend for itself, and it's absolutely terrible at doing that - right now being the perfect example.

I try to soothe myself by listening to the odd sounds I can hear around the hotel, like the sound of the TV in the room above us, or the shower that I can faintly hear from one of the units beside us. Outside I can vaguely hear the sound of a car's alarm going off and the sound of people yelling about something, probably having to do with the car.

The sound that catches my ear the most, though, is the sound of Tony's breathing, slow and steady, beside me. The sound calms me down and riles me up all at once, and no matter how hard I try to tune it out, it keeps coming back into focus almost like it's taunting me.

I feel the bed shift as Tony pulls himself down onto the bed, going from his half lounging position to fully lying flat on his back like I am. I can feel the heat of his arm next to mine, so close that if either of us move even half an inch, we could touch.

"When I was younger, I would make this giant forts in my room." Tony says. He's talking so low and soft but because there's hardly any noise coming from elsewhere, his voice sounds louder than it is. "I would take every blanket in the house. Literally every single one, and I would drag them into my room for the forts. I even took a couple of table clothes during desperate times."

I can hear the smile in his voice without even having to look at him, yet I still crack an eye open and allow myself to look. His eyes are closed, but there it is, that giant grin on his face, the one that makes me melt.

"I'd spend the entire morning making it. I'd use chair legs and whatever heavy objects I could as anchors for the forts." he tells me. "And once it was done, I'd camp out there for days on end, or however long it took my mom to come steal her blankets back from me."

"It probably didn't take long."

"Most of the time, no. She'd come by at night and take her blankets back from me, leaving me with a half-assed fort. Sometimes, though, she'd let me keep them. She'd bundle herself up in a sweater and sweatpants and sleep like that so I could have my fort." he says with a soft laugh. "I eventually learned to use her blankets are the entrance rather than at the end of it, but I hated it because then I couldn't smell her as I was falling asleep."

I picture little Tony, alone in his fort of blankets, smelling the air every so often to get a reminder of his mom. I picture him clutching his pillow as he slept, holding it close to him because his subconscious has the scent of his mother in his nose, and he was acting as though the pillow as an extension of her. It's sweet. It's so, so sweet it almost makes me cry.

"Why're you telling me this?" I ask him.

Tony shrugs against the bed. "I never told anyone that, and I guess being here right now reminded me of it."

"Because you're craving that same comfort?"

"Because I have it here."

All the breathing work and calming techniques I've been doing for the past couple of minutes are blown completely out of the water thanks to Tony's last sentence. 

Suddenly the space between us doesn't seem too far. It feels all too close, like his body is closing in on mine despite the fact that neither of us have moved. He just feels so...here. So real and so intimate.

But I can't close the gap between us, no matter how small it is. I can't risk taking a chance on something I could be entirely misreading. Tony could be telling me that being with someone and talking to them is comfort, not that I'm his comfort because he wants me.

I also can't take the risk of fucking up my chance with the band. What if I go for this and it doesn't work and thus renders me out of the band for good? What then?

And what do I do about the fact that despite all the things I know should make me stop wanting Tony, I still want him? I still want to bridge the gap between us. I want to put my hand in his, feel his soft skin on mine. I want to undress him and do every little thing I thought of doing for weeks now.

I want it all and yet I let it fall.

I stay quiet. My hand doesn't move. My body doesn't dare twitch. I stay still and silent until Tony finally gets up off the bed and goes to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Only then do I let myself exhale a shaky breath, and only then does the regret set in.

I tell myself I'll wait until Tony comes out, and then I'll tell him how I'm feeling, only Tony doesn't come out. He stays in there for what seems like forever, and eventually I pass out, leaving the relationship between Tony and I in the balance.

Chapter Text

Finland.

I never thought I would be in Finland. Not now, not ever. And yet here I stand, in my hotel room, an inch away from the bathroom mirror as I put on some mascara so I can hit up a bar in Finland.

Sometimes it's still so surreal to me the way that we get to move around like this. A week ago we were in the UK, then we went to Germany, followed by a handful of other countries. All within the same month. And in all of them we were doing something we loved.

It's absolutely crazy to think about.

I push my thoughts aside as I slide my dress over my head, careful not to fuck my makeup up. Normally I'm not the type of girl to wear a dress, however Jaime made a remark about that the other day and got me feeling a little insecure about the fact that I never "dress up" so I decided that tonight I would go all out.

As it turns out, the only dress I packed is a classic little black dress. It's not super dressed up, but I figured it'd do. That, and the fact that I've done my makeup and straightened my hair is enough dressing up for me.

I take a big breath in as I take one final look at myself. Deciding it's good enough, I grab my purse off my bed and step outside into the hallway where the guys are waiting for me.

All three of them are deep in what looks to be a serious conversation when I step out. They all hear the door close behind me, their heads whipping towards me.

Jaime lets out a low whistle in appreciation. Vic, from beside him, nods.

"You clean up nice, Kody." Jaime tells me.

Vic also throws a compliment my way, however his words don't make it to my ears. I'm too busy locking eyes with Tony. His normally dark eyes seem even darker right now as they rake over my body, taking in every inch of skin and curve he can see.

I half expect him to say something. Even just throwing half a compliment my way would do wonders right now, yet it never happens. He tears his eyes away from me instead, leaving me even more confused and feeling even more alone than before.

I shrug the feeling off as we make our way over to the bar. I tell myself that there's no point in torturing myself over and over again with the ideas of what's going on in Tony's head, so I block the thoughts out completely.

When we get to the bar, I ensure that I won't be stuck in Tony's head even more by breaking off and sitting alone. I place myself on a stool right in front of the bar and manage to knock back two drinks before I hear someone talking to me.

"Dakota?"

My head spins so quick to the side that I'm surprised it doesn't break. Not only am I not used to people calling me by my full name - a thing that only my mom does - but I'm also not used to someone calling me by my name in a random bar on the other side of the world.

The person who said my name is a guy who looks to be in his early 30's. He's a fairly tall man, standing at about 6'0. His skin tone is a couple of shades lighter than my tan skin, which pairs well with his blueish-grey eyes and his light brown hair. He's a good-looking man, however he's also a man I don't recognize at all.

"Um, Kody, actually." I say to the man. "I'm so sorry, you are...?"

The guy offers me a friendly smile. "Emil. I saw you guys play last night."

"Oh!" I say in excitement. I've seen the guys have fan encounters in public more times than I can count, however this is my first time being recognized. It feels exciting and weird all at the same time. "It's nice to meet you. Did you enjoy the show?"

"It was fantastic. You guys have such energy." Emil says.

"It kind of comes with the territory." I joke.

"It's incredible." he replies. "I don't mean to be too forward, but can I buy you a drink?"

My eyes flash over to where Tony is standing at the other side of the bar. He's standing next to Jaime as they talk to a girl I've never seen before. Like I said, they get approached a lot. Sometimes it's a fan of our music, other times it's because they're a fan of the way the guys look. Regardless, they're used to it, and by the looks of it, Tony isn't too torn up by it right now.

I feel a weird pang in my chest as I realize what I've just said. Last night I thought there was maybe something going on between Tony and I, however the way he just left things afterwards made me realize that maybe I was just making everything up in my head. Maybe I was thinking of what I wanted us to be, not what we actually are.

For that reason alone, I let Emil buy me a drink. Rum and coke, extra shot of rum. If I'm getting through this night, then I need to be under the influence of something.

I actually never drank that much until I started on this tour with the guys. I was more of a straight and narrow kind of girl, staying away from drugs and alcohol. Even when the tour started I wasn't big into it, and then we started having long nights where all we did was stay on the moving tour bus for 13 to 16 hours at a time. The card games became boring as quickly as video games and my phone did. So, we started drinking too. We'd play a game and whoever lost had to do a shot. It started as a once-a-week thing, then it became more and more frequent until it was almost every night.

I'm not saying I have a drinking problem by any means. I'm just saying that I began this tour as someone who rarely drank, and now I find myself relying on a couple of drinks to get me through the long days like this one.

"How long are you guys in town for?" Emil asks me, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Um, one more night. We leave after our show tomorrow night." I tell him.

The bartender comes over and slides our drinks in front of us. Before I can move for my wallet, Emil is sliding his card across the bar to the bartender.

"Oh, I can pay for my drink." I say quickly. "I don't mind."

"I asked to buy you a drink." Emil points out.

He has me there. I thank him for the drink as I raise my glass to my lips and take a healthy sip of it, enjoying the high alcohol content in it.

"So, how long have you been a fan?" I ask Emil.

"Ever since they got a new drummer." he says with a wink that sends all the blood rushing to my face. "No, I've been a fan for a while now, however it is my first show of you guys."

"Oh, really." I say. "I really hope we were up to par."

"That you were."

I flush again, my red on my cheeks deepening. Emil reaches out and strokes my cheek closest to him, sending nerves coursing throughout my body. Not only am I not used to being recognized, but I'm also not used to being flirted with and having strangers touch me.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Tony at the end of the bar. He no longer has his back to me. His body is facing the bar as he leans into it, and his head is turned in my direction with his eyes directly on me. He watches the interaction between Emil and I, his eyes tracing Emil's hand as it falls away from my face.

Sensing I'm focused on something else, Emil turns and looks over his shoulder for the culprit. He raises a hand in the way of a wave in Tony's direction. Tony's eyebrows drop down into an unhappy look, however he still manages to throw a smile - albeit an unfriendly one - back in Emil's direction.

"Tony Perry." Emil says, turning back to me. "Guitar legend."

"Yeah, he's something." I say hoping that I sound like I'm agreeing rather than trashing him.

"This is going to sound lame, but do you think you could introduce me?" Emil asks. "I'm asking for a quick hello, that's it. I'd rather spend my night talking to you, I just can't pass up an opportunity to meet the whole band either."

I hesitate. Tony doesn't look to be in a mood to want to talk to people tonight. He's got that broody look on his face, the same one he wore for weeks whenever we were together at first. Not only that, but last night's weirdness is still clearly hanging over us and I was hoping to avoid Tony as much as possible because of it.

Still, this is a fan we're talking about and it's kind of our jobs to make sure we have good buzz generated about us and one of those ways is to interact with our fans, even if it is in random bars on the other side of the world.

"Sure." I say to Emil after coming to a mental conclusion. I grab my drink and down about half of it in one shot. "Let's go."

The overly giddy Emil trails behind me as I march over to where the guys are. At this point, their own fan is long gone and all three of them are standing together talking about the weird couple we saw at the hotel the other day.

"I swear there was a person in the suitcase." Jaime says. When Vic rolls his eyes at me, Jaime doubles down. "No, I swear! You weren't there when he tried to get it on the elevator. It wouldn't go over the gap and he had to pull it with all his force."

"So? Maybe he's an over-packer." Vic counters.

"Or a murderer." Jaime retorts with a pointed look.

I figure this is the best time as any to interrupt their conversation. Jaime's been known to go on a couple of long-winded rants being over theories he has about the world and his surroundings, so I worry if I don't get a word in now, Emil will have to pay the price for it.

"Hi, guys!" I say louder than necessary. "Um, this is Emil. He's a huge fan."

"Oh, no way!" Jaime says, clapping his hands together excitedly. "Yet another fan of Kody's! Man, we're chopped liver, guys. Might as well throw in the towel now."

I give Jaime a fake amused look. "He's a fan of the band." I tell him.

"You're a fan of us little guys too?" Jaime asks Emil. He presses his hand to his chest where his heart is. "Thank you."

"Okay, cut it out." I tell Jaime which earns me a laugh from him.

Jaime extends his hand over to Emil who takes it, albeit cautiously. He goes around shaking everyone's hand next as Vic and Tony say hi to Emil. Vic is his usual personable self, while Tony hangs back a little as he gives Emil an unhappy up-and-down look. Vic notices but doesn't say much, and Jaime is too busy talking again to pay any attention.

"Seriously, great to meet you, man." Jaime says. "Kody's been getting quite the fan base so I've enjoyed teasing her a little. My bad."

"N-no, you're okay." Emil says. "I get it. You guys like to, uh, how's it called, not bully, but, uh, haze each other."

Jaime snaps his fingers and points at Emil. "This guy gets it." he says. "You coming to the show tomorrow night?"

"Actually, Emil was at tonight's show." I tell the guys.

"It was truly fantastic." Emil gushes. "The way you guys all jam together is something else. The energy you guys bring, the sound, just everything is crazy."

"Thanks man." Vic says. He's acting like he's chill about it but I can see the way he's lighting up at each thing Emil says. "We appreciate that. It took us a while to get back there, but, uh, I think we have something good going here."

Emil agrees with him, and they keep talking for a bit before Emil thanks the guys for talking to him, telling them he won't take up more of their time and that he appreciates the chat.

I half expect Emil to walk away from me too, only for him to turn to me and ask if we can continue our talk one-on-one. Given that I don't want to join my own group because of the awkward Tony part of it, and the fact that I don't get many interactions out in the wild like this, I agree.

Emil and I spend the rest of the night together, talking, drinking and laughing. Every once in a while, I'll glance over to where my group is only to find Tony already looking over at me. Each time I do, his eyes get darker and darker, until at one point I look over and he and his eyes are nowhere to be found.

I glance around the room a couple of times to try and see where he's gone to, however it seems like he left altogether. For a second I'm tempted to go back to the hotel to see him and make things right between us, but what would I even say?

Since I've known Tony, he's blocked me out. He's ignored me for days on end, he's been rude to me, he's yelled at me, he's even made me feel like quitting this whole thing altogether. And then, after all that shit, he turns around and tells me that I feel like comfort to him. He opened up to me and told me things he's never told anyone else. He's made me want him. And for what? To completely shut me out again the next day?

It's all too much for me for tonight. Tonight, I want to have fun and act like a normal person, not like someone in a famous band who is going to yet another city again tomorrow night.

Tomorrow I can conquer my problems, but tonight I'm just a normal girl named Kody.

Chapter Text

I wake up to a million texts from Adam and Emmy. Apparently last night they both got a little too high and forgot what my middle name was. Adam thought it was Sadie, after our aunt, and Emmy thought it was Rae. Both ended up texting me to tell me that I needed to say they were right, Emmy even went as far to offer a bribe.

I text them both back telling them that they're both completely off, my middle name is Leah, but I appreciated the fact that they were still thinking of me.

I'm still in the middle of texting them when Tony comes back into the room. He nods at me as he puts his coffee down on the table beside his bed. His suitcase, which is zipped on the floor, gets hoisted up onto the bed for the hundredth time this week.

My phone chimes again, a text from Emmy telling me more dumb shit. I'm so focused on it that I don't even notice the struggle Tony is having until I hear him hit the suitcase.

"Jesus Christ, what the fuck is the matter with this thing?" he says, frustrated.

Tony is trying unzip his chaotically packed, stuffed to the brim suitcase, however it seems like in this fight, the suitcase is winning. I hear the familiar sound of a zipper being pulled again only to hear it stop abruptly where it's caught.

"Do you need a hand?" I ask Tony, peering over to where he's bent over his suitcase. "Apparently lip balm helps."

"I don't need your help." he says, tone cold.

Ever since we got back last night he's been acting off, like he's mad at me or something. Like, last night when we got in, I asked him if he wanted to sleep in my bed with me and he told me he didn't want to because he didn't want to be too warm when sleeping. I told him we could open the window only to be shot down again.

I thought maybe he was just tired, but then this morning he's been acting like I'm bothering him still. Having enough of it, I decide to voice it.

"Okay, spit it out."

Tony glances back at me, his face filled with anger.

"What?" he asks. He sounds just as annoyed at me as he used to back when he was permanently pissed at me. "Spit what out?"

"Whatever it is I've done to make you pissed off at me." I say. I cross my arms over my chest. "I've been trying to figure it out, you know, like, maybe I said something rude to you by accident, or I stepped on your foot or something, but I don't remember doing anything like that."

Tony doesn't answer me. He turns his back to me and continues to rummage through his suitcase, looking for whatever. This is a normal occurrence at this point for Tony, only usually he doesn't rifle through it like his suitcase owes him money or something. He flings items left and right, some of which fly out the suitcase and land on the floor. Tony doesn't seem to even notice, though, he just continues ransacking his own bag.

"Tony." I say after several seconds of watching him.

"What?" he asks, tone cold as ice.

"I asked you a question."

"Yeah, I heard it."

I snap. Tony's hot and cold behaviour affects me more than I want it to, and even though I told myself I would hold my composure and remain calm, I instantly lose it.

I march over to where Tony is emptying his suitcase, and I close the cover on him. It slams shut on his arms, causing a random comb to fly out from the impact. Tony shoots daggers at me and I watch as his breathing picks up from the anger.

"Can you not?" he asks me.

His voice is so calm and angry that it scares me enough that for a second I regret what I've done and I consider backing off, but I stay strong. I straighten my back and look him dead in the eye as I speak.

"I asked you a question." I repeat again.

Neither of us are moving. We're mere inches away from one another. My hands are on top of his, only with a suitcase between us. But we don't move. We stay locked in where we are.

A weird feeling comes over me as I stand there inches away from Tony. There's a lot of annoyance and anger towards him because let's face it, he's being stupid right now. Underneath that anger, though, is something much deeper. Something lustful.

Only a liar would say that looking into Tony Perry's angry, dark eyes doesn't drive them wild. Only a liar would say they don't want to lean over and kiss this sullen, confusing, hot guy.

I may have been raised to be a lot of things, but I sure as hell wasn't raised to be a liar.

Instinctively, I bite my lip. I don't know if I'm doing it because the want is so strong I need to feel something on my lips, or if I'm doing it to try and actively keep my lips together, but whatever the reason, my teeth still sink into my mouth's skin.

I watch as Tony's eyes flutter down from my own eyes down to my lip. His gaze stays there long enough to make all the air leave my chest.

Swallowing hard, I try to make my voice work again only to find that I've momentarily lost it during this entire silent and tense exchange between Tony and I. Luckily or not, Tony didn't lose his voice at all.

"You want to know why I'm pissed off?" Tony asks, his voice like gravel. I nod at him, still unable to find my words. "I'm pissed off because of last night."

Last night we went out - again. It's all we ever do. We explore the city during the day, play a show, then go out at night. Rinse, recycle, repeat. Last night was no different. After our set, we all got changed backstage, hit up a random restaurant for a quick bit of fuel then went to a bar.

The bar we went to wasn't that great. There was this bouncer who was mixing the weirdest music I've ever heard in my life, none of which sounded good. The only upside about the bar was the drinks. They were selling these fruity drinks for two dollars, and man they were equally sweet as they were alcoholic. We all got a round of them right as we got there just to try. I got the strawberry kiwi mix, Tony and Vic got sour apple and Jaime got watermelon deluxe, whatever that is.

After that we all danced and mingled for a bit. I ended up talking to this one guy that - oh. OH. Is that what Tony is mad about? There's no way.

"Are you talking about me with that guy?" I blurt out.

Tony finally pulls his hands out of the suitcase and he pushes it off to the side of the bed, apparently now done with it.

"Whatever." Tony mumbles out.

He tries to walk past me, probably to leave like he always does when we talk like this, but I stop him. My hand wraps around his wrist, holding him there. I want an actual answer from him and I'm not letting him leave until I get one no matter how much it makes him hate me.

"That's not an answer." I tell Tony.

"Kody." he says voice stern. The look in his eyes tells me that he's not fucking around right now, yet I hold strong. "Stop it."

"No, you stop it. You never give me any answers, Tony. Okay? And one day you're pissed at me, and then the next day you're telling me I'm your comfort or whatever and I-"

I don't get to finish the rest of my sentence. Tony's lips come crushing down on me, hard and soft all at once. For a second, I'm so caught off-guard that I don't react, and then my body's instinct kicks in and I'm kissing him right back.

I've dreamt of this moment for weeks now. I've thought about it while falling asleep. I've thought about it in the shower and while, um, taking care of myself, and yet nothing could prepare me for just how good it feels.

Every single part of my body is responding to Tony. My mouth is aggressively matching his. My nipples are rock hard at this point, begging for his touch, and my entire body is arching into his.

Being that Tony is a man who's good at reading signs, he takes every sign my body is giving him as permission to deepen the kiss by putting his hands on me. They grab greedily at my body as if this is the first and last time he's ever touched someone like this. I arch into it more, desperate for the feeling of his hands.

One of Tony's hands traces its way up my back and slowly grabs my hanging hair in his hands. He bunches it together like he's making a ponytail, but rather than hold it up, he pulls down on it, exposing my neck. His lips gravitate to it, going as far as to bite me which causes me to let out a moan of pleasure.

"It drove me fucking crazy to see you talking to that fucking guy." Tony growls against my neck sending shivers down my back. Tony pulls my hair harder. "You know how pissed off you got me? I couldn't fucking sleep because of it."

"You should've woke me up." I retort, smirk on my lips.

"You wouldn't have wanted that." Tony tells me. His lips are right under my ear, making his voice almost vibrate through me.

"Why not?"

"I would've fucked you like you've never been fucked before."

My breath catches in my throat as a familiar feeling of desire pulses between my legs. Suddenly the only thing on my mind is Tony and how much I want him. All the things I've ever dreamt of doing to him come rushing to my head, sending me into an even bigger lust spiral.

Tony seems to be feeling the same way. His kisses are become even more aggressive against my body, leaving a trail of wet paths of lust up and down me.

Even though the kissing is amazing, I need more. My hands find the bottom of Tony's shirt and I lift it up off his head, throwing it to the side where discarded items from his suitcase lay on the floor. I've seen Tony shirtless a couple of times in passing yet none of them compare to right now. Right now, I have his toned and tattooed chest in front of me because of my own doing, and that drives me crazy. My hands slide over his torso, carefully tracing tattoos as I make my way down.

"Like what you see?" Tony asks.

"I love what I see." I tell him.

Now that my greedy little hands have gotten a feel for his chest, my lips decide that they want one too. I kiss his shoulders before trailing down his chest right between his pecs. I'm faintly aware of his hand that comes to the back of my head to press me into him even more. I'm also faintly aware of the sound he makes when I get onto my knees, my kisses now on his lower stomach.

I slowly reach up and undo his belt. I don't bother to slide it out from his jeans, it'll take far too long and it won't matter anyway as seconds later I'm pulling his pants down leaving him only in his boxers.

As he steps out of his jeans that I've pooled around his ankles, I continue to kiss him. I kiss the V-shape of his hips, kissing lower and lower each time. He's rock hard in his boxers which makes me want him all the more.

My hands find their way to the hem of his boxers, greedily pulling them down until he springs loose in front of me.

I've seen my fair share of dicks in my lifetime and let me tell you, Tony's is perfect. It stands at a solid six or seven inches and is perfectly thick, enough that I know it'll stretch me out but not kill me either.

I'm not sure which one of us moves first, but before I know it, he's in my mouth with his hand on the back of my head, my hair bunched up due to his rough hold on me. Jokes on him, I don't need an encouragement right now. I suck his dick like my life depends on it, and from the sounds Tony is making, I'd say that he's enjoying it almost as much as I am.

We stay there like that, me on my knees, him in my mouth until he pushes me back a little. I look up at him, eyes wide and mouth pouty.

"I'm going to cum if you keep going." he tells me.

I grin at him, a devilish grin, and then I wrap my mouth back around him. Tony lets out a frustrated and pleasured groan, but he doesn't stop me. I keep going, glancing up at him every so often so I can enjoy every part of it.

I keep it up for a minute or two more then I lean back, staring up at him.

"Come here." he says.

I don't hesitate. I get off my knees and stand in front of him, letting him grab me again like he had done before with his hands on my hair and waist, keeping me close to him.

The only time Tony manages to break our lips apart is when he tells me to get onto the bed, which I do with great pleasure.

As soon as I get onto the bed, Tony pushes the skirt I'm wearing up and slides my underwear down, tossing it aside before putting his mouth right where my underwear just was. His warm and skilled tongue lap at me so vigorously that I swear I actually black out for a second.

I know that guitar players are amazing with their fingers, but, shit, no one warned me about how good they are with their mouths too.

My hand grips the back of his head, pulling him as close as I can manage to get him. My back is arching up, creating a perfect bridge pose. It kind of looks like an exorcism is being performed on me right now. Hell, if this is what an exorcism feels like, I wouldn't mind being possessed.

Before not too long I can feel myself getting close to tipping over the edge, which is all that, however not like this. I want Tony in me when I cum for the first time with him.

"I think we should fuck." I tell Tony.

His mouth continues working on me for a couple more seconds before he pauses to answer me.

"You think we should?"

"We should."

I watch as his mouth curls up into a smirk.

"You want it?" he asks which earns him an eager nod from me. "Ask for it then."

I've never been a beggar before. I always thought it was cringey and that it was more desperate than hot. Right now, however, I'm not above begging. The tension break between Tony and I, and the fact that I am finally getting to live out this fantasy, has me so worked up that I find myself begging Tony within a matter of seconds.

"Please fuck me." I say to Tony. "I want it so bad."

Tony doesn't hesitate. It seems that I'm not the only one of us who is eager to finally be doing this. He gets up from his knees while still leaving a hand on me to stroke the most sensitive part of me as he leans over and grabs a condom from the nightstand with his other free hand.

The casual safety of him grabbing a condom without even being asked to turns me on in a way I never thought possible.

When he turns back to me, I feel my heart speed up in excitement. I all but die by time Tony fills the empty space between my legs and slides ever so slowly into me.

"Oh fuck." I gasp. My hands grab the hotel room blanket from beside me, bunching it up as I tighten my grip on the blanket. "Oh my God, Tony."

Tony reaches down and wraps a hand around my throat, pressing so that my breathing is restricted thus making everything feel so much better somehow.

"Good girl." he whispers as he slides into me slowly and deep. "You going to keep being good for me?"

"Yes." I moan out as much as I can. "I'll be so good for you."

"That's what I fucking thought."

Tony picks up the slow pace he was keeping until he's drilling into me without any mercy. I can't help the scream that escapes me as he fucks me hard and fast.

Already it's feeling way too good to be real, but then Tony reaches his hand down to me and touches me. He presses his fingers into my soaking wet clit and rubs small circles into it. The cry I let out in pleasure only fuels him more, rubbing me faster and faster.

"I've thought of you like this since the day I fucking met you." Tony says. His pace is picked up more now, the fast and deep strokes digging into me. "Every. Fucking. Day." he says, matching his pace to his words.

Abruptly he pulls his hand away and grabs my hand instead, bringing it down to where his fingers just were on me.

"Touch yourself for me just like that night when I walked in on you." he says. "I wanted to fuck you so bad that night."

"You should've." I tell him. "I was thinking of you the whole time."

The hand that's on my neck squeezes even tighter, almost possessively.

The groan that comes out of Tony does something to me. I pulse against him, making him make the same sound again. The sounds he's making, the smell of him against my skin, the feeling of him in me, it's all too much. Everything together brings me over the edge, sending me crashing up and over with a scream.

Tony's hand leaves my neck to cover my mouth, making me moan into his hand as I arch my back, the waves of my orgasm coursing through me.

Seconds later, Tony cums too. He buries himself deep in me and moans, his face dangling mere inches above mine as his face fills with pure bliss. I reach up and kiss him, planting kisses on his jaw and trailing up until our lips meet. This kiss is sweeter than the ones from before. Now that angry, desperate energy is gone from our lips and is replaced with satisfaction.

Tony's breathing starts to return to normal when he finally opens his eyes and looks at me. A happy, lazy grin forms onto his face.

"Fuck me, I guess." he says with a laugh.

"Fuck me too then." I joke back.

Tony carefully moves a piece of hair out of my face before leaning down and kissing me.

"I think I just did."

Chapter Text

"What's this one for?"

Tony is laying beside me, with his chest bare. His discarded shirt lays on the pillow behind me, leaving only me to cover him with half of my body as I lay my head on his chest and trace his tattoos with my fingers.

Right now I'm tracing the tattoo on his left side of his chest, a tattoo of an eagle with a snake wrapped around it. My fingers follow the snake's body, tracing every curve of it.

"That's one I got when I was younger. The eagle's from the Mexican flag, so the entire thing is just kind of about my heritage and all." he tells me as he glances down at it. "It hurt so fucking bad I had to do it in multiple seasons."

"Really?"

"I almost cried." he admits to me with a grin that sends crinkles around his eyes.

"You almost cried?" I repeat with a smile of my own. I trace my hand over to his ribs. "Like, at this part?"

"Yep, that's the exact part."

I continue to trace his ribs, dipping a little onto the side of his body. I watch as shivers rise in his skin from my soft touch. I continue to do it, now wanting to see how many shivers he can get, only to have Tony's hand grab mine to stop me.

Protesting is useless because as soon as he has my hand in his, he laces our fingers together. His hand envelopes mine, making me feel tiny and protected in his grip.

This entire situation with Tony is new and weird, but I let myself enjoy the small moments like this for what it is. I don't think either of us expected this to happen between us, so neither of us have a gameplan for what to do here. Like, do we keep it casual or do we establish something? I just got out of a two year relationship, I don't know if I'm exactly at the point where I want to jump into a new relationship. I don't know if Tony is even looking for one or if he's just having fun.

Sometimes it feels like just fun. We go out and drink a little too much then come back to our room and fool around. The next morning when we meet up with the guys, we act like nothing is going on between us. Does that make it just fun, or do the moments like right now when we're holding hands in bed make it into something even more?

I want to ask Tony what he wants from this, yet I can't find the words to do it. I'm too worried about messing it up by speaking about it, so I keep the questions bottled up and instead I ask him something else, something I've been wondering for a long time.

"What do your knuckles say?" I ask him as I turn his hand around to face me. "I've always wondered but I was too scared to ask."

"You were too scared to ask?" he says with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, you weren't very...approachable." I remind him.

There were times at the start when I almost built up the courage to ask him. Sometimes we'd be alone in the dressing room or we'd be waiting on the side of the stage and I would almost find the words, but they would cement themselves in my throat before I could manage to voice them. Sometimes I would even try to get a good look on what they said so I wouldn't have to ask Tony, but I never got close enough until now to see them.

Now I see it clear as day. Scrawled across his knuckles are the words Star on one hand, and underneath is the word Jedi. On the other hand it says Wars and underneath says Sith.

"Huh." I say as I look at his hands. "Nice."

"Yeah? You like Star Wars?"

I do this weird pleading grimace face at him. "Um...I've never seen any of the movies."

Tony shakes his head slowly at me, clearly very disappointed in who I am as a person. In my defense, I've never been huge into movies. I'll watch them if they're on and I have nothing else to do, but to actually go out of my way to watch one? Nope. Not my jam.

I tell Tony this hoping it'll be a good enough excuse for him to forgive me, however it proves unsuccessful.

"You had me watching Superstore with you when we could've been educating you this entire time?" Tony asks with a scoff. "Unbelievable."

"Hey, you like Superstore." I remind him, giving him a little poke in the chest.

Tony's answer comes as a shock to me.

"I don't." he says.

"What?!"

"Dude, no one likes that show."

"Um, I do! And you said you did too!" I exclaim bewildered. "Why the hell did we watch it if you don't like it?"

"Honestly?" he says. "I needed an excuse to spend time with you, and I saw you watching it the night before so I looked up what it was about so I could at least pretend I knew something about it."

I stare to Tony, unblinking. The words he said were clear. I heard every single one of them without any problem, yet my brain is having trouble wrapping my head around them. Tony wanted an excuse to spend time with me. ME. The person he's notoriously disliked for weeks now, the one that "stole" his friends place in his band, the same person who dated the guy that he hates more than anyone else in the world. ME.

I still can't believe it, yet I find myself smiling over it.

"Little obsessed, huh?" I say to Tony, smug smirk on my face. I take a piece of my hair and twirl it in my fingers. "I don't blame you. I'm great."

"Wow, and just like that, the obsession is gone." Tony retorts.

"No, it's not." I tell him.

He grins back at me. His smile is so wide it makes his eyes crinkle in the corners. I remember when I used to see that smile from afar and feel a flutter in my chest. I'd pray that he would smile at me like that even just once, and now that I have it, I want to never let it go.

I want to get lost in that smile and forget about the rest of the world. I almost do too until a knock sounds on the door followed by the sound of Jaime's voice on the other side. Tony and I's eyes fly to one another, both sets wide in surprise. Within a split second, we hear the sound of the door - the unlocked - door being opened.

Panic courses through me. I have a single second to think and react, and with that single panicked second, I do the only thing I can think to do. I fling myself off the bed, throwing my body down into the space between Tony and I's beds.

My body hits the floor - hard. I manage to also bump my head slightly on the nightstand that sits between our two beds. It's not enough to say I'll have a cut or a raised bump, but it's enough to render me shocked for a second.

"What're you guys up-" Jaime starts to say as he walks into the room. He stops dead in his tracks upon seeing me on the floor holding the back of my head. "Jesus, are you okay?" he asks, coming over to me in a hurry.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say. Jaime holds his hand out to me to help me up and I take it with pleasure. I've thrown myself off balance slamming my head. "Just fell."

Jaime looks at me doubtfully before his eyes slide over to where Tony is laying shirtless on the bed. I swallow hard thinking maybe Jaime has pieced together what's really going on, however the next words out of his mouth let me know that he's so far off path that he might as well not even be on his planet.

"Did you push her?" Jaime asks Tony, his tone accusatory.

"What? Dude, no." Tony replies. He uses his arms - his strong arms - to pull himself up into a sitting position on the bed. "Why the hell would I push her?"

"You tell me."

Tony shoots Jaime an unamused look. "I didn't push Kody off the bed. I'm not that big of a dick."

At the mere mention of the word dick, especially coming from Tony's mouth, I blush. Thoughts come racing back to me of all the times I've been in contact with Tony's dick, my mind running wild with the fresh memories. My cheeks heat up to the point where I turn slightly so that the guys hopefully won't notice.

"Okay..." Jaime says, obliviously to the real situation at hand but suspicious of the one he's made up in his head. Jaime turns back to me now that he's done interrogating Tony. "Are you sure you're okay? You're not, like, nauseous or anything?"

"No, I'm fine." I say. Jaime looks at me, still not convinced. "Really, Jaime. I was reaching for my phone charger and I, just, like, overshot it and fell."

"If that's your story." Jaime says. "Gotta leave in 30, so be ready and, uh, try not to "fall" again." Jaime says, air quoting the word fall so that we know he still doesn't believe our story.

We watch as Jaime takes a careful look around the room for any more signs of potential danger. There's not much to find. We try and keep each room we stay in as tidy as possible because sometimes we have to pack up and roll out within a matter of minutes, so keeping all of our stuff already packed is the easiest solution in this case.

Right now the messiest thing about the room is our unmade beds, Tony's shirt, along with some other clothes of his on the floor, and our Rockstars on the TV stand. I opted for the best Rockstar of all time, Island Bliss, and Tony is drinking a watermelon flavoured one. Well, he was drinking a watermelon one until he downed it all in almost three sips.

Regardless, that's as messy as we are. Jaime wont find any sign of struggle - or pleasure - here unless we specifically tell him where to look. Like, under my pillow for example for condoms.

Satisfied with his search, Jaime turns back to us and reminds us that we're leaving soon and that we need to be in the lobby five minutes before we go. Tony and I thank him then carefully watch him walk out. Jaime talks one last look at us while he has the door open, narrowing his eyes to show he means business before he turns and lets the door fall closed after him.

Both Tony and I breathe out a sigh of relief.

"That was way too close." I whisper to Tony. "We have to do better about staying lowkey."

"Or at the very least lock the door." Tony mumbles back in response.

"Yeah, that too." I say.

For the first time since earlier this morning, Tony manages to shrug a shirt over his head. It's a black white shirt that has all the ninja turtles on the back with master Splinter right in the middle of it. The front has the letters TMNJ scrawled across it in green. It is hands down one of the coolest shirts I've ever seen in my life.

Despite the fact that it's the coolest shirt ever, I find myself disappointed that I can no longer see Tony's bare chest. I'd gotten very used to see his chest yet not used to it enough to not want to see it more.

"You know..." I say to Tony slowly. "We do have 22 minutes before we have to go..."

Tony's eyebrow quirks up. "What're you trying to say?"

I shrug as if innocent. "Nothing, just, you know...if you wanted to take that shirt off again and maybe some other stuff that would be fine with me."

"Oh, would it?" Tony says, his voice deeper than it was seconds ago. He comes over to me, standing right in front of me with his hands playing with the hem of my shirt. "And what about you? You get to keep all your clothes?"

"I could be tempted to take something off." I say.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, for the right price."

Tony's face splits into a grin. "The right price? What price is that?"

"Fourteen kisses." I say without a moments hesitation.

"Fourteen?! Inflation is wild out here."

"Yep. Better hurry and pay up You have 19 minutes left."

Tony closes the distance between us and pays up. In fact, he ends up paying double, nearly triple the balance he owes me. I may be a lot of things, but I'm certainly not a complainer, and, hell, I'm definitely not complaining about this.

Chapter Text

"Kody."

Somewhere from deep inside my brain, my name is thrown at me. I try to catch it, but it's so dark in here with the darkest greys and blues and purples, I can't manage to see my way though.

"Kody!"

Through the dark webbed hues I feel something reach in and touch me, shaking up the tunnel of colour I'm in.

"KODY!"

I jolt awake in bed, eyes flying open as the sound of my name is yelled right into my ear. Blinking, I see the dark outline of Tony standing over me, his face mere inches away from my own.

"What the fuck?" I say groggily. I look to the old alarm clock on my nightstand and see that it's 2:13 in the morning, which means I've only been asleep for a little over an hour. I look back at Tony as I rub the sleep out of my left eye. "What's wrong?"

"Get up. We're going out." he says.

There's this impossible to shake grin on his face. He looks just like an excited child on Christmas that couldn't wait for a normal hour to open gifts so they had to wake their parents up way before they wanted to get up.

"Get dressed?" I ask to make sure I heard him right. I still feel like I have one foot inside dreamland and one inside reality. Thinking that maybe I read the clock wrong and it's 2p.m. I glance towards the window. There's no sunlight spilling in from behind the curtains which can only mean it's truly nighttime. I look back at Tony who is still hovering above me. "Get dressed for what?"

"It's a surprise."

I groan and roll over in bed, pulling the blankets over me as to block the light from the lamp Tony turned on. The warmth of my blankets automatically welcomes me in, begging me to return to the world of slumber. 

"Hey!" Tony says. He comes over to my bed and with one hand, yanks the blankets off of me, leaving me cold and exposed. "Get up!"

"No." I groan. I outstretch my hand, holding it open. "Give me my blanket back, I'm tired."

"To tired to go to Rome?"

I sit up in bed so fast it's crazy. All the sleep that was in me moments ago is now gone; I'm actually feeling more awake than I've ever felt. 

"Rome?" I ask, eyebrow raised. I try not to let a smile show too much just in case he's messing with me, I don't want to get my own hopes up after all. "Did you say Rome?"

"Yep, Rome."

"How? When? Why?"

"Plane, in 53 minutes so you better hurry, and because you want to go."

I try to wrap my head around what Tony is saying to me right now. We have a show tonight which means we have to be at the venue by 3p.m. the latest for our signing and everything. There's no way in hell we can make it there and back in time.

"Okay, but...how? Doesn't it take forever to fly-" I ask Tony slowly, my words trying to keep up with my mind. 

"About two hours." he says. "Which means we get there around 6 a.m. which leaves us roughly five hours to go see the sights, which I know isn't much, but it's better than nothing, right?"

"We're..." I say slowly, feeling my heart speed up in my chest in excitement. "We're going to Rome?!"

Tony grins at me, a genuine, glee-filled grin. "We're going to Rome."

That's all I need to get myself up and out of bed. I all but bounce off the bed, leaving behind the warmth and blankets I was so deeply craving not even five minutes ago. Beelining over to the TV stand where my suitcase is, I yank it up in the air and toss it over onto the bed where it lands smack in the middle, before bouncing and toppling over the side. 

Unlike Tony, I actually keep my suitcase zipped and organized at all times, so I'm not too worried about the status of my belongings. 

"Oops." I say to Tony as I go over and lift my suitcase onto the bed. "Maybe I got too excited."

"You think?" he replies. "Put that excitement into getting ready, we need to get to the airport in 30."

"Thirty?!" I yell. "I can't get ready for Rome in thirty minutes!"

"Better try." he says with a wink.

I spend the next thirty minutes rushing around getting ready. I put makeup on, making sure it looks extra nice today. I try on three different outfits before deciding on this cute set I bought years ago with Emmy. I've never worn it, and the thought of wearing it for the first time in Rome puts more of a pep in my step.

The rest of the time flies by after we leave our hotel for our flight. Even the plane ride itself feels quicker than usual. There isn't a single issue at boarding or during the flight, and not even a delay during take off or landing, so we manage to get there 10 minutes earlier than expected.

Because the Colosseum has opening hours - who would've thought - and we're early, we hit up seemingly the only cafe that's opened so early. Grabbing some food and coffee, we chow down excitedly before taking it to the streets of Rome where we mosey away before finally the Colosseum is open.

The cobblestone streets lining up to the Colosseum were already cool, but seeing the actual thing blows me away. It stands there, tall and proud having withstood the test of time over the years.

This place has seen it all. It's seen fights and death at the same time that it's seen friendship and love. It's torn people apart and stitched others together, giving mean to each persons live that has stepped into it. And now it's my turn.

Side by side Tony and I walk into the Colosseum. The history of the area looms over us in such an enchanting way that I find myself speechless. My greedy eyes drink in the sights around us, making sure to not spare a single detail.

We walk in more, revealing even more beauty than I thought possible.

"Wow." I say, truly blown away from the sights in front of me. "It looks so...different."

"Different how?"

"I don't know, I'd only ever seen it from the outside." I say. My eyes are scanning the area, trying to get in as much detail as I possibly can. "I didn't know there was so much to see inside too. I know I should've figured as much, that there was a whole complex interior, but, I don't know, I never pictured it."

The stone ruins in the middle of the colosseum get my attention the most, as they do with most people. The ruins are all deteriorating at this point, with missing chunks everywhere, and yet despite this, they stand tall. Moss is growing at the bottom of them as if to show that every though they're broken, there's still room for growth around.

I glance around at the higher sections, finding that most of it is as broken as the middle. There's arches that are falling in on themselves and sections that have long crumbled in on itself. Yet despite the fact that this place has seen better days, it's magnificent as it is. 

Tony seems to be thinking so too. His own eyes are taking in every inch of this place, from the ground we're stepping on to the very top of the Colosseum.

"Hey." I say softly to him. His curious eyes drift down to mine and I can see the happiness in them which makes this moment all the more special. "Thanks for bringing me here. You have no idea how much it means."

"You kidding? I have every idea what it means. You haven't stopped talking about it since we got here." he jokes.

"Ha, ha. Maybe next time I'll leave you at the airport." I say dryly however I can't fight the smile that makes its way to my face. "Seriously, though, thank you."

"Always." 

Tony leans in and kisses me softly, which is weird on it's own to be doing out in public so casually, but even weirder, I feel his hand flush against mine as his fingers intertwine with my own. 

I try to breathe as I struggle to comprehend my reality in this moment. I'm in Rome at the Colosseum holding hands with my Pierce the Veil bandmate, Tony Perry. If you asked me what perfection is, I would tell you that it's this moment right here.

Chapter Text

As soon as the hotel door falls shut, Tony presses me up against the wall right beside the door and kisses me. His lips are now a familiar taste that I yearn for. 

During our shows, I'll catch a glimpse of his smile, and I'll find myself wanting to be pressed up against those lips. Every second of the day I want to be kissing him. Every single second. So, now, times like these where I am pressed against him, our bodies moving against one another's, I enjoy it to the max. I let myself get lost in it, only coming up for air once we've reached our peak. 

Tony's lips dip down, placing themselves on my collarbone. He goes down inch by inch until he's hovering right above my chest. I hold my breath waiting for his next move, hoping that he goes lower, except he doesn't. His kisses lead back up to my mouth again. He plants a couple of sweet kisses on me then rocks back, leaving some space between our bodies as his face hovers above mine.

Slowly, Tony's hand reaches out to my face, his hand slipping onto my cheek. His thumb extends and runs over the thoroughly kissed skin on my lips.

"So pretty." he whispers more to himself than me before he kisses me again. His kisses are softer than before, filled with more feeling than lust.

"You think Jaime and Vic know we're gone yet?" I ask Tony between kisses. 

Tony presses his forehead against mine and shakes his head no. "No way in hell. They get so wrapped up in that game that they don't pay attention to anything else."

My mouth forms a surprised 'o' shape. "You set it up on purpose." I say in realization. "You led us to that game so we could sneak off."

He grins at me in response. "And what if I did?"

"Hm..." I say. I reach out and grab the strings from his hoodie, twirling them in my fingers. "If you did plan this, then I'd have to make sure you're treated right." I say before quickly adding, "As a thank you, of course."

"Oh, of course." he says. "And how would you treat me right?"

I was hoping he'd ask that. I pull the strings of his hoodie into me, thus moving him and his body back against me.

"I can show you." I whisper to him. 

Tony cocks an eyebrow up at me. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Get on the bed and I'll show you exactly how grateful I am."

Whereas I'm supposed to be the one in charge right now, the way Tony slowly backs away from me with a smirk on his face as he slowly undoes his belt and slips it off almost sends me into a spiral. The slow control that Tony exerts in every situation, and especially this one, drives me absolutely crazy.

I reel in my lust as Tony and I get onto the bed. He slides onto his back, going right against the headboard of the bed. I follow suit, only I don't lay on the bed, I straddle him. The kissing starts almost immediately and before we know it, we're without any clothes and he's in me.

Tony grabs my hands and holds them together behind my back with his one hand. His other hand slides onto the bed and grabs ahold of his discarded belt. Swallowing hard, I watch as the belt disappears behind my back. Seconds later I feel the cold leather against my wrists as Tony ties my hands up with his belt. 

The entire time this is happening, Tony's eyes are on mine. He holds my gaze steady, dark eyes filled with lust as he holds me captive.

"Mine now." Tony growls out as soon as the belt is secured around my hands. He dips his head down and kisses my neck, the kiss turning into a pleasurable bite quick. "Tell me." he murmurs against my skin. "Tell me you're mine."

I don't hesitate.

"I'm yours." I say breathlessly. "All yours."

Tony responds by biting down into my skin, making me cry out at the feeling of it. I clench around him, making him moan.

"Bounce for me." he says. He leans back into a laying position, his head propped up on the pillow and headboard behind him. "Use me to make yourself cum."

Those words alone are almost enough to drive me over the edge. They roll over me, sending pleasure all down my body. The pleasure only grows as I start to move against Tony, using my hips to grind against him. The feeling of bouncing on him as he fills me is already over the top, and it only gets better as Tony uses his free hand to rub me. I let my head fall back, my hair spilling all over my chest and down my back as I ride him.

It doesn't take long before I'm sent over the edge of pleasure. I cry out his name as I cum, the orgasm hitting me so hard that I all but crumple over. Tony uses this moment to take advantage, drilling into me from below before he cums too, pushing deep into me.

I lean forward and let myself fall against Tony who instantly envelopes me into a hug. He slides his belt off of my hands, finally freeing me before he presses a kiss against my temple.

"We're so good at that." he whispers to me.

"Too good." I reply. I pull myself up so I'm hovering right above his face. "I have to pee."

Tony rolls his eyes at me. "You always have to pee."

I roll my eyes at him back as I get up, careful as to not hurt anything.

"You always complain that I have to pee." I retort as I get up off the bed, making a beeline for the bathroom.

I pee quickly and shrug on some clothes. The only options in the bathroom right now is a shirt of Tony's - one he was wearing last night - and my pajama shorts that I was going to wear after my shower later. I put them on then go back to the bed where Tony is still laying. 

"Feel better?" he asks as I climb into bed with him. He holds his arm out, granting me access to him. I take it, sliding right in and laying my head on his tattooed chest.

"I feel great." I tell him.

His arm closes around me, holding me against him. I close my eyes as his hand slides up and down my back. Sex and a massage after? Crazy.

A knock sounds at our door, making us instantly pull apart. Since last time when Jaime almost walked in on us, we learned to lock our door, but still the paranoia lives in us. We all but fly to other sides of the bed, both of us wide eyed as we glance towards the door.

This stupid, crazed paranoia only lasts about three seconds. We glance at one another, and upon seeing the fear in the others face, we burst out laughing. We realize how ridiculous we're being. We're two consenting adults who happen to both be single and attracted to one another. Who really cares if we're hooking up?

I decide right then and there that it doesn't matter to me if Vic and Jaime find out about Tony and I. It's kind of their fault anyway. Since day one they've been orchestrating situations in which Tony and I would be stuck together. They did this hoping that Tony and I would start to get along since clearly things were beyond rough for us at first, and now, we're getting along better than ever just like they wanted.

Almost like he's thinking the same thing as me, Tony speaks up.

"Do we just let them know?" he asks me as another series of knocks sounds on the door.

I shrug at him. "Might as well."

The grin Tony gives me nearly knocks me out. It's a dazzling smile filled with nothing but pure, almost childlike joy. And it's all for me.

A stupid smile of my own finds its way to my face. Even as Tony opens the door, my smile stays present. It's only when I focus on the door - and who's at it - that my smile vanishes in a spilt second, replaced with a face of shock.

Freddie - my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me - is standing at the door, a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other. He looks right past Tony as if he's not even there, focusing his attention solely on me. Suddenly I'm aware of how messy my hair is - thanks to Tony - and the fact that I'm only wearing Tony's oversized shirt and a pair of very short pajama shorts underneath.

Freddie doesn't seem to notice or care about the fact that I'm dressed like this. I don't even think he's reading the signs as to the fact that I've just had sex. Nope, he's far too occupied with whatever delusion he's planned in his head about this moment.

I watch as Freddie breezes into the room right passed a frozen Tony. 

"Baby. Oh, baby, I've missed you so much."  Freddie says, voice dripping with honey. He falls to his knees in front of me on the bed and holds the flowers out in front of him. "I got your favourites for you."

The red roses glare at me, the brightness of them shining in my face almost in a taunting nature. Wordlessly, I reach out and take them because I'm not sure what else to do. 

"I missed you so much." Freddie tells me as he grabs my hand. "It's been driving me crazy not seeing you."

Freddie's green eyes stare up into mine. He has a puppy dog look on his face, whether it's intentional or not, I'm not sure. All I know is that he's sitting in front of me, all but begging to have me back and I can't find any words in my throat. Not a phrase or word at all is coming out. Nothing. I stare blankly at Freddie, unsure as to what to do in this situation.

"Baby, let's go somewhere to talk." Freddie says. His thumb strokes the back of my hand in a soothing motion, only it seems to be bringing me more stress than anything else. "Okay? Just us two." he says, throwing a pointed look past me.

I had been so shocked over seeing Freddie here on the other side of the world at my hotel room door that I had almost forgot that we weren't alone in the room. Instinctively, I glance over my shoulder to see Tony still standing at the door, only unlike before, he no longer is wearing a smile. Now his mouth is drawn into a tight, unhappy line and is dark eyes are filled with anger as he watches Freddie and me.

Despite the fact that I don't want to leave with Freddie right now, I also know that seeing him simply exist in this room is upsetting Tony. The evidence is written all over his face. It's for that reason and that reason alone that I agree to Freddie's request.

"Okay." I say to Freddie once I turn back to him.

Freddie grins at me like he's won an award. He takes my hand and coaxes me off the bed, his hand still in mine well after I've gotten up.

I allow him to lead me out of the room, stopping only when I get to Tony.

"I'll be back soon." I whisper to him. I try to convey a message with my eyes, telling him that I'm only doing this for him so that he doesn't have to be near Freddie for any longer. "Wait for me?"

Tony nods at me, his dark eyes boring into mine. There's a hint of understanding behind his eyes which I take to mean he understands the situation happening, and with that confirmation, I turn and leave Tony behind, letting Freddie pull me where he wants.

Chapter Text

"Kody!

"Is that her?"

"Oh my God!"

"It's her!"

The sounds of fans yelling my name and screaming over each other sounds in my ears. I'm currently late - almost very late - to today's signing, and for that reason, I take the shortest route to the venue which just so happens to mean that I have to walk in front of the lines and lines of fans waiting outside.

I thought because I'm pretty much a B-list member of this band at best, I would be able to get in the venue without being noticed, however that's proving difficult. As soon as I stepped foot onto the street with the line out front, I was recognized. Fans began yelling my name and it spread through the whole line. Now everyone is pushed against the line's barrier trying to reach out to me.

"I'm sorry guys, I'm late and need to get in!" I tell them as I continue my fast-paced walk towards the venue doors. "I'll see you all in there soon!"

They continue yelling for me as I get closer and closer to the doors. I do my best to ignore them, especially when I get to the front of the doors and I'm let in by the security door. They open the doors for me, giving me just enough room to slip in. The sound dies down as the doors shut behind me.

The guys all are sitting at the table in front of me, waiting for the signing to start. 

"Cutting it a little close." Vic says to me. He's twirling one of the Sharpies in his hands as he waits for the doors to open.

"Yeah, sorry." I say in a huff. I walk over to the empty seat at the end, the one that has Tony right next to it. "Hey." I say to Tony as I slide into the chair beside him. I'm still a bit breathless from all the rushing I did to get over here on time. "God, I thought I was going to be late and you know how much I hate that."

Tony doesn't even look at me. His eyes stay pointed straight ahead at the doors in front of us, unblinking. I furrow my brows at him as I slide my bag off my shoulder and onto the ground beside me.

"You okay?" I whisper to him. "You weren't in the room when I got back this afternoon."

"Did you expect me to just be waiting for you?" he replies dryly.

"No, I just thought you'd be there still." I say. "You said you'd wait."

"Didn't know what I was waiting for." he retorts. 

"Me?" I say, brows furrowed in confusion over this conversation.

My phone vibrates against me, letting me know I got a message. With the one minute we have left before the signing starts, I slip my phone out of my pocket and onto the table to read the text. The screen lights up showing a text Freddie sent me this morning. It's just him wishing me a good show tonight and telling me that he hopes to see me afterward if we all want to go out together.

It seems that my phone has more than just my attention. From my peripheral vision I can see Tony eyeing my phone. He has a pissed off look on his face which I imagine is from the fact that he can clearly see Freddie's name on my phone, a fact that will no doubt render him angry thanks to what Freddie did all those years ago.

"Are we going out tonight after the show?" I ask to the group in general, although it's more pointed at Tony since he's right beside me and we have our thing going on between us.

"Yep." Tony says.

A weird sinking feeling forms in my stomach. The way Tony is acting towards me right now is giving me flashbacks from when I first joined the band. The one word answers and the cold tone he's giving me is just like when he couldn't stand to be near me which leaves me wondering if that's still the case and always was the case.

Maybe Tony was just feeling lonely when he decided to make a move on me. I thought it was more than that, it seemed like more than that, but maybe it only seemed that way because I felt that way towards him. I was just projecting the whole time and that caused me to be blind to the reality that Tony doesn't give a fuck about me.

Or maybe I'm just paranoid and he's having a bad day. The thoughts spiral around in my mind, turning my stomach into knots.

My stomach stays like that for the entirety of the signing. Fans come and go, some cheery, some shy, some that are straight up on something. The smell of Sharpies and perfume from various people fills the air as the signing goes on. The signing flies by with all of us having a great time - or at least everyone but me - and before we know it, we're heading to the back of the venue so we can get ready for our set that's in a couple of hours.

As we walk through the venue, Vic and Jaime talk to our photographer about some show they watched a couple of nights ago. Tony trails behind them, not part of the conversation but also not far enough that I can talk to him alone either.

I make the executive decision to fall in step beside him, grabbing onto his arm so that he stops with me. I half expect him to shrug me off and keep going, only he doesn't. He stays rooted to his spot, my hand still on his arm.

"Tone..." I whisper even though the guys are moving ahead without us and can't hear what I'm saying. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." he says.

Everything from his tone to his body language is telling me otherwise. His words are dripping with anger, each word coming out sounding more and more hate filled than the last. His body is rigid and tense, something that I used to see back when he was stuck with me before, but it hasn't been like that in a long time.

Something is clearly up. As always, my mind floats to the absolute worst case scenario.

"Is your grandfather okay?" I ask, thinking that maybe something happened and that's why Tony is in such a weird way right now.

"He's fine."

"Okay..." I say slowly. "Are you, like, mad at me or something?"

By now the guys have realized that we stopped walking with them. All three are turned around looking at us, waiting for us to continue on with them. Jaime calls out to us asking what the hold up is, to which he doesn't receive an answer from Tony or I.

"It depends." Tony says in response to my question.

"On?"

"How many times you fucked Freddie last night."

I take a step back in shock.

Whereas it's true that Freddie came to Tony and I's hotel room last night to beg for my forgiveness and I left with him to go talk it out, nothing happened beyond that. We went to Freddie's hotel which was a twenty-minute walk away and we sat in the quiet hotel lobby to talk about everything that happened. The cheating on me, the cheating with Tony's girlfriend, everything is rehashed.

Freddie apologized to me first, saying that it was a moment of weakness fueled by exhaustion and the fact that he was missing me. He told me over and over again how sorry he was for betraying my trust the way he did, and that if he got another chance, we would make sure he didn't fuck it up ever again.

We sat there for hours talking about what happened and everything leading up to it, and in the end I realized that for the last couple of months of our relationship, I felt like I was only continuing it because I had to. I didn't feel like an active member of our relationship, and deep down I knew it wasn't something that I wanted long-term.

Surprisingly, Freddie understood. He said part of the reason he strayed was because he could feel me pulling away and that made him feel insecure - which was a big thing to admit from Freddie - and that he realized afterward that he needed to work on himself to be better.

With all the bullshit out of the way and with no more romantic love or lust in our hearts, we decided then that even though we didn't work out as a couple, it didn't mean we couldn't be friends.

I open my mouth to tell Tony this, only for him to speak first.

"Look, it's hard on the road. Travelling all the time, a new city each night, it's not easy to connect with someone." Tony says. "We were single, we had fun. Let's leave it at that."

If I thought Tony's last sentence before this one was hurtful, then I don't have a good enough word for what he's just said. My breath catches in my throat. It's like the air's been knocked out of me. My heart stumbles in my chest, trying to catch up with what he just said.

I feel like I can't wrap my head around what's happening right now. Like I'm missing a big chunk of information that everyone else seems to know but me.

"Leave it at that?" I repeat to Tony. "How could you even...? Like, I don't understand what I did wrong. I didn't-"

"We don't need to make a big deal out of it." Tony says, cutting me off before I can tell him that I didn't even go off with Freddie. "It was fun while it lasted, but we had to get back to reality some time. It's not like this was going to be an actual thing, right?"

I feel tears start to form in my eyes. I try to take a big and unnoticeable breath in to calm myself and stop the tears so that Tony doesn't notice, except it's too late. I see his jaw strain when he notices me starting to cry, and it only makes me tear up even more. 

"It wasn't an actual thing?" I manage to choke out.

"No, at least not to me. We we're just passing the time." he says to me. His tone is so casual that it's almost like we're discussing the weather to him. "Nothing serious."

"Tony, I-"

"Dude, be real." he says with a small laugh that guts me. The tears start falling from my eyes and he keeps on talking like he doesn't even see them. "It didn't mean anything."

Out of the corner of my eye I see Vic approaching us, ready to play referee once again. I think even Vic knows that this is something different than all those other times when he had to get between Tony and me. This isn't a regular disagreement; this is an emotional charged interaction that I seem to be losing as always.

"Do you guys need a minute?" Vic asks once he's finally in front of us. His eyes slide between Tony and I, however they seem to be defaulting to Tony, almost like he's asking him for an in or something. 

"No." Tony says at the same time I say "Yes."

"We're good." Tony says right after, doubling down on the fact that we don't need time alone to discuss the issue at hand. Tony's eyes stare right into mine. "There's nothing to talk about."

Tony turns and starts to leave Vic and I behind when I call out for him.

"Wait, Tony." I call.  Tony keeps walking, not even bothering to spare a glance back at me. He walks right past Jaime and the photographer like they're not even there. "I-"

"Kody." Vic says. He places a gentle hand on my shoulder to comfort me. He might not know what's going on, but he's not blind either. Him and Jaime have both seen how close Tony and I have become. They've noticed us sneaking off together almost every single night. None of us said it, but we all knew what was happening. "Give him some space." Vic says.

"No, but he's...it's not what it seemed like." I tell Vic. "It's, it's just-"

"Hey, it's okay." Vic says softly. His brown eyes are kind as they look into mine. "We'll figure it out, just give him some space right now."

I want to fight Vic on it. I want to tell him that he doesn't know what's happening. He doesn't know anything about the situation other than what he's figured out himself which I'm sure doesn't even cover the basis of what's been going on between Tony and I.

How can Vic tell me that it's okay when he doesn't know any of it? He doesn't know how angry Tony is with me, he doesn't know the way Tony looked at me this morning, as if I'd betrayed him when I've done nothing wrong.

I knew I shouldn't have left with Freddie. I thought I was doing Tony a favour by stepping out with Freddie so that he didn't have to be in the same general area as him. I was trying to do right by everyone in the situation, and yet somehow, I ended up being the one to lose out completely.

It's not fair. I want to scream it out. I want to yell that I was only doing my best and that I didn't want to ruin anything. I want to march over to where Tony is and tell him every single part of it and then give him shit for being so flippant about us. About me.

Yet I don't do it. I let myself be dragged backstage with Vic where we spend the night watching the bands perform. I let myself be pushed on stage for our own set where I spend the entire hour and 20 minutes of it trying to hype myself up. 

I manage to do a decent job for the most part. It's only the times when Tony turns around and catches a glimpse of me that I allow myself to be hopeful. I pray that he'll come over to play beside me and that this entire miscommunication will be forgotten, but he never comes. He stays on his "side" of the stage the entire night, and even when he exits and I stay on the sides waiting for him, he steers clear of me.

The rest of the night he avoids me, even going as far as to stay in Jaime and Vic's room that night, leaving me alone. Our room has felt awkward at times and downright hostile around the beginning, but it's never felt like this before. Hopeless. 

For the first time since I've been on this tour, I don't see a light in the tunnel which is Tony and I. I don't see a way to emerge on the other side of this, and worst of all? I don't think Tony wants there to be one. I think he wants us to be without a single shred of hope. I think he wants me gone.

I vow to myself right then and there that I'll give him what he wants.

Chapter Text

Today marks our last official day of touring overseas. Tomorrow we're headed back to the airport where we'll fly back over to America for the last couple of shows before we wrap up this tour completely.

Honestly, part of me is really sad to say goodbye to this tour. It's my first ever half-year, world-tour. Maybe my last too.

I try not to dwell on it too much as I lounge in our dressing room for our last European show. As I'm trying to relax, my phone goes off with a familiar text tone. Freddie. 

Do u want me to drop ur stuff off at ur place? I'll leave my key too

Since officially putting my relationship with Freddie to rest the other day, we realized that we still had a lot of one another's stuff at our respective places. I told Freddie that while I wanted to give him his stuff back ASAP, being on the other side of the world made it a little hard. He texted me back saying it was no big deal, he completely understood, and he would at least bring my stuff back to me as soon as he could.

Apparently for Freddie, as soon as he could was two days later.

Um, sure. I text back. You can grab wtv stuff you have at my place too.

I put my phone down only for it to vibrate literally fifteen seconds later.

I dont want to go thru ur stuff when ur not there

I sigh. I was hoping that he would take everything and that I could be done with the Freddie chapter of my life. Despite the fact that we said we would be friends, I know that I don't want to be close friends like this. A text every couple of months near the holidays was more in line with what I was thinking, however it seems that Freddie wants a more frequent talking schedule.

Tony walks by me, walking behind the chair I'm sitting on. I guess he looks over and sees who I'm texting because I hear him scoff under his breath.

"What?" I say, my tone mean. I rear my head back to look at him as he passes by. 

Tony makes a face at me as if he doesn't care. "Nothing." he says as he drops down onto the couch adjacent to me.

"Obviously it's not nothing." I retort, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Maybe it is."

Tony picks up his own phone and starts scrolling on it. I don't think he's actually scrolling and looking at stuff, I think he's just pretending to. Like, you know when you're out with people and the person you know leaves you alone with someone you don't really know so you pick up your phone and start scrolling on it? Yeah, I think Tony is doing just that. His eyes aren't even following his scroll, he's just dead staring at the middle of his phone. Like a liar. Like an eye liar.

"There's nothing going on between Freddie and I." I tell Tony. "Nothing."

Tony's eyes flicker up at me for half a second before he goes back to looking at his non-scrolling phone. "Sure." he says.

I sit up a little straighter and lean forward more. "I mean it."

"Okay."

The anger in me comes on quicker than I expect it to. One second I'm sitting there feeling a little annoyed by the whole situation at hand, and then a second later I'm so pissed off that I'm up in a flash and taking Tony's phone out of his hands so he can pretend to stop looking at it.

As expected, Tony also stands up, leaving us both face to face. Both of us are angry beyond belief, our chests rising and falling with each frustrated breath we take.

"Give me my phone back." Tony says to me through gritted teeth.

"Not until you listen to me." I tell him. I slip the phone into my shirt, tucking it into the space between my breasts right under my bra. There's no way in hell he's going to get it there, I know that for a fact.

"Kody, I'm not playing around." Tony says, holding a hand out. "Give it."

"No."

Tony's eyes flare with anger. "Kody."

"No, I want you to listen to me." I say. My anger is starting to break off into something more, something softer. It's on the verge of turning into despair and I can't let it. "You're always the one deciding things here, and I'm done with it."

"When have I decided anything?" he asks in exasperation.

The music overhead of us picks up signaling that the opening band is starting their set. The sound of chants and screams can be heard faintly on our end, which means they're crazy loud to anyone who is actually close to them.

I try not to let it distract me too much. I have Tony alone for once and I'm not going to waste the moment listening to the same band and chants we've heard all tour.

"You decided when we'd start doing this." I say, gesturing between the two of us. "You decided when we'd end it. You decided when we're on or off, you decide-"

"That's not a decision I ever made alone." Tony says, cutting me off. He's looking at me with so much anger in his eyes, so much passion in his voice that for a second I swear we're going to break this tension by having sex right here in the dressing room. Tony hesitates as if he's thinking it too, then continues on yelling at me. "If you didn't want this, all you had to do was say no."

"And what should I have said when you decided to end this?" I reply back. "Because if I said no, you still would've."

"Because of fucking Freddie! Because you-"

"Freddie means nothing!" I yell back. By this point we're fully in one another's face, screaming and letting each other have it. "How many times do I have to fucking say it?"

"You're saying it, but then you're going off with him, staying out all night, probably fuckin-"

"I didn't fucking sleep with him! Oh my God, Tony! Why the fuck would I do that to you?"

Tony drops his voice down from the loud, yelling voice back to his normal, calm, cool and collected voice.

"You tell me." he says. 

"I didn't do it." I say, my tone back to normal as well. There's a hint of pleading in my voice, one I'm desperately not proud of, but I really need Tony to know that I'm talking from the heart here and that I'm not just saying what I think he wants to hear. "Tone, I left with Freddie to go talk. That's it."

"Long ass talk." Tony retorts.

I shake my head at him. I'm not often one to give up on people, yet I'm feeling like right now I have no other option. I've tried to tell Tony time and time again what happened with Freddie and I, and he either ignores me completely or doesn't let me get through my first sentence. I'm getting pretty fucking tired of it.

"You know what, Tony? Think what you want." I say. I throw my arms up to show that I've truly given up here. "I can't keep doing this with you. I've tried to tell you the truth, I've tried to tell you that I didn't do anything wrong, and you don't believe me."

Tony's eyes bounce from each of mine. He's trying to read me, I realize. Trying to see through what he thinks are lies.

Tony opens his mouth to respond to me, then closes it with a deep sigh. He lets himself fall backwards onto the chair he was previously sitting on, closing his eyes and tilting his head back onto the chair.

Wordlessly, I reach into my shirt and pull his phone out. I drop it down onto his stomach, maybe letting it drop a little too hard, but Tony doesn't say anything about it.

Before I can turn and walk away, the dressing room door opens. Turning my head, I see Vic and Jaime on the other side of it. They look more serious than normal, which is either because they were listening to Tony and I fight - again - or because they're dead tired like everyone else and they can't be bothered with being goofy right now.

"Hey, we all need to talk." Vic says as he walks into the room. Jaime comes trailing in behind him, shutting the door as he enters. "It's nothing bad, just a thing we need to go over."

If anyone else were coming in here saying we need to talk, I'd be worried. However, this is Vic we're talking about here. Last week he needed to "talk" to me, and it turned out that all he needed to talk about was what colour he'd look best in. Essentially, Vic's talks are usually very chill, very non-worrying.

Despite my anger inside of me telling me to throw shit and breakdown, I sit back down on the chair behind me and try to act as calm as I possibly can. The guys follow suit, sitting down so we're all in a square formation.

"So, as we know, this tour is coming to an end soon." Vic says to us. "We're flying home tomorrow where we have less than two weeks left on the tour."

"Thank God." Tony mumbles under his breath.

Vic shoots him a sideways look of disapproval but doesn't say anything to scold Tony. I think by now he knows to let Tony be his bitchy little self.

"Kody," Vic says, turning his attention solely on me. "You've been amazing on this tour. Truly, you're the best drummer we could've ever asked for. You know, you've really brought your skills, and you've brought a missing connection to this band."

My stomach starts to turn. Vic is telling me all these nice things, and whereas I should be overjoyed by it, I can't help but feel like it's the start to a goodbye speech.

My mind is racing with all the things I should've done better, or shouldn't have done at all. Like, I should've been more upbeat especially during the longest legs of the tour. I should've acted like every single show was my last and really brought everything I had into it every single night.

Most importantly, though, I shouldn't have messed with Tony. Don't get me wrong, it was great. Being with him was like no other feeling I ever had before. It legit felt electric when we got together, and I wish I hadn't fucked it up, but I see now the lesson I had to learn.

Sometimes getting what you want costs you what you need. Now is one of those times.

I swallow down all the feelings of pain, resentment and despair and I focus my attention back to Vic who is still giving me praise.

"The fans are really loving you too, like, more than we thought." Vic says. He smiles at me - a nervous smile - and takes a deep breath in. "So, obviously we want to know if you'll join us. On a permanent basis."

I think my eyes have all but bulged out of my head upon hearing this. Automatically, even though I hate to admit it, my eyes fly over to Tony who's sitting beside me. Even though he's pissed at me, I see the corners of his mouth turned up a little into the smallest hint of a smile ever. That smile doesn't reach his eyes, but at least it's something.

Join Pierce the Veil. 

I never thought this would be an option. Considering the fact that during, like, my second week here Tony told me I would never be joining them, I kind of just wrote that out as a future possibility, and yet now here I am being asked to do just that. It's surreal, and it's terrifying.

Don't get me wrong, it's been amazing. I've gotten to see more of the world in these last couples of months than I've seen of it ever. I've eaten new food, seen landmarks of all kinds, I've meet so many different kinds of people. I've laughed a lot harder than I ever had before with the guys and with fans and randoms we met along the way. I've spent the last couple of weeks on the other side of the world. I've done so much during this time.

But at the same time, I've had some of the lowest lows that I've ever experienced. I've gone through heartbreak - more than once. I've felt like nothing for days on end, felt like I was a waste of time and space. I've been lonely and exhausted and all I've craved is home.

Let's also not forget the whole Tony part of it either. Obviously, I would never let a man influence my decision on anything, but at the same time, I need to take it into account. Let's say I join the band. What then? Tony is pissed at me, and I doubt that'll ever change again. Can I really spend months at a time with someone who won't talk to me or even look my way? I know if Fleetwood Mac could do it, then I can do, but does that mean I want to?

"Kody?" Vic says.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I forgot where I was for a second. I look around at the faces of my band members, all of whom are staring at me, waiting for a response.

"What do ya say, are you in?" Jaime asks me, grin on his face as he jabs my arm with his elbow.

Am I in? 

I glance around again at the guys, my eyes hovering on Tony's the longest. For the most part, his eyes are blank. He's always been great at keeping a poker face. However, I know him enough now to see a hint of emotion behind them, and ultimately that emotion is what gives me my answer.

"Guys..." I say slowly, making sure I'm getting the tone right. "I've been thinking about this since the start of the tour, whether or not I'd continue on."

"And?" Vic says, almost impatiently.

Three sets of eyes wait for me to answer. I take a deep breath in, knowing that this decision is about change everything.

"And...and I think I have to say..."

Chapter Text

All my life I stayed in America.

Everything I ever wanted and needed was always within this countries walls. My family is here, my friends, all my favourite snacks and views. I thought I had everything I ever wanted in general. I had my boyfriend - who I thought was perfect. I had my routine and my job and everything going well for me.

And then I joined Pierce the Veil, and my entire world changed. I found that there's more to life than what I was raised to see. There's completely different cultures with all sorts of norms and people, all on different walks of life. There's landmarks and areas I'd never dreamed of seeing before that I got the chance to see live in person.

There are so many opportunities that touring with Pierce the Veil gave me, all of which I'm forever grateful for. And yet despite that, I turned their offer down.

It wasn't an easy decision. It's something I'd been thinking about ever since the first day that I joined the band, only then I was leaning more towards accepting than declining. But then everything happened. All the Tony of it, all the drinking, all the crying.

This tour means everything to me, and I don't want to downplay that. It was phenomenal, and it gave me more life than I'd ever felt, but the highs and lows were already too much. Once you add the Tony into it, the cons started to outweigh the pros.

The guys were obviously disappointed and a little shocked when I told them I wouldn't be joining them as their official drummer. I think Vic took it the hardest. He looked at me like he couldn't believe what he was hearing, like I was absolutely crazy to say no to this. Him and Jaime asked me why, the word being blurted out of their mouths at the same time.

I told them everything I felt, the tired, the loneliness. I told them everything except the Tony part. Only one person knew of that reason, and that person was staring at the ground instead of looking at me which only made my decision feel so much more right.

We played our last show in Europe after that. It went by quicker than any other show somehow, and before I knew it, we were back at the airport for our flight back home.

I boarded the plane feeling weirder than I've ever felt. It was like I was leaving part of my heart here. Like, I became someone else here and I couldn't bring that person back with me because she didn't exist anymore.

The thought plagues me for the first hour of the flight. I pair the thoughts with slow, sad music that I only take off when I feel a tap on my arm.

"Are you really turning down the offer?" Tony asks me.

As always, we're stuck together. I guess as a last ditch attempt to reconcile our relationship, Vic and Jaime stuck Tony and I next together on our 12-hour plane ride back home.

I tried to switch my seat before boarding only to be told that the flight is full, no other seat was available for me to change to. Out of desperation, I then tried to beg Jaime and Vic, both of which said no without a moments hesitation which left me saddled with Tony.

It's funny, weeks ago it was the opposite. Tony was stuck with me after trying - and failing - to get away from me, and now I'm the one stuck with him.

Just because I'm stuck with him doesn't mean I need to be nice to him, which is why I answer him with a one word answer.

"Yep." I say, not even sparing a look his way.

I anticipate his answer before he even says it, yet it still angers me to hear him ask it.

"Why?"

With a sigh I drop my phone down onto my lap and roll my head over to him. I still can't build up the courage to actually look at him, so I look at his shoulder instead and decide that it's close enough.

"Why do you care? I figured you'd be jumping for joy." I say.

"Kody." Tony says with a sigh. "I never wanted to ruin your future with us because of, you know, this." he says, gesturing between the two of us.

"Please, don't flatter yourself." I tell him. "I didn't make the decision because of you."

"I know." he says, even though his tone fully implies he thinks I'm lying. "I hope I wasn't an influence at all, though."

Normally I'd keep my mouth shut to keep the peace. I can't even count the amount of times over the past couple of months when I did just that in order to make myself seem chill or not to make an already bad situation worse.

Right now, though, I don't care. I've played the role of the peacekeeper, and it's brought me nowhere, so I'm letting out what I want to say without any remorse.

"Obviously you were involved in my decision a little." I say. "I don't feel like spending half a year with someone who fucking hates me and freezes me out every other second."

"Ko-"

"Dude, it's fine." I say, cutting him off before he can give me some sorry excuse. "You're entitled to feel how you feel, just like I'm entitled to not join you guys moving forward."

The stewardess comes down the aisle, stopping right by us to ask if we need anything. We both say no, each of us offering a smile despite how tense we feel right now. It's only when she continues down the aisle that Tony speaks again.

"I know that, but this is a big chance, Kody. This isn't something that comes often, if at all. I think you should reconsider."

"Oh, look at that, another decision from you." I say with an eye roll. "Groundbreaking."

"I'm not making decisions for you." Tony hisses. By the look on his face and the sound of his voice, it's clear he's getting really annoyed by how petty I'm being. Good. I'm annoyed by how dick-ish he is, and yet he continues. "I'm trying to simply talk to you about the whole thing."

"Why? I already made my decision."

"We only need to officially give the answer next week." Tony tells me. "Plenty of time to change your mind."

"I won't." I say defiantly.

Tony runs a hand through his dark hair, letting it spill back in a messy order around his head.

I remember the first time I ran my own hands through his hair. It was after our show in Belfast. We went out for drinks like we did most nights, and again like most nights, Tony and I snuck off to spend time together.

We were so eager to put our hands on one another that we couldn't even wait until we got back to our room. As soon as the elevator doors in our hotel closed, we were on each other. He pulled me in first, grabbing onto my hips like he needed them to steady himself. My hands went up and tangled themselves in his hair, loving the softness of it and the faint smell of apple from the shampoo of mine he borrowed.

I shake the memory off and come back to the present moment, the one where I no longer touch Tony like that. No, instead I just listen to him question my life decisions.

"You're seriously going to throw your whole future away over this?" Tony says.

"I'm not throwing my future away." I say. "My life is still my own. I can do whatever I want with it."

"What inspirational poster did you steal that from?"

"Vic."

Tony's face splits into a giant grin. For a half second I get caught up in it, allowing my own mouth to quirk up into a smile before I stop myself. The ice between Tony and I has been frozen over back to solid, slippery ground. If I smile now, that ice threatens to thaw and even just a little bit will produce water which will send me falling down yet again.

I adjust myself, pulling myself so I'm not leaning towards Tony like I was starting to do. He needs to know that I won't ever let him back in again, not even when he smiles like that.

"Vic's right." Tony tells me. He leans his head back against the airplane chair. "It's your life, you can do whatever you want, but I...I think you should join us. I want you to."

I thought that nothing Tony said could've changed my mind. I told myself that he was nothing and so was his opinion, but something about him saying he wants me there stops me dead in my tracks, but not for the reason it should.

It pisses me off. It makes me so fucking angry that I dig my fingers into my arm holder on both sides of my seat. Tony notices it, but given he knows that this is only my second time on an airplane, he thinks I'm just nervous, not mad.

"You're fine, Kody, the plane is perfectly safe-"

I actually hadn't thought of the plane and my uneasiness about it until Tony brought it up. I've been so preoccupied going over my decision to not join the band, coupled with the whole sitting beside Tony for 12 hours thing that I hadn't even spared a thought towards any possible plane mishaps. Even now as Tony brings it up I find myself too pissed to worry about the plane.

"I'm not thinking about the plane." I spit back through gritted teeth.

"Oh, I-" Tony starts to say.

"You know what pisses me the fuck off?" I say, cutting Tony off. Right now I don't care about anything he has to say, I need to voice my own thoughts. "You said you want me there with you guys, but you don't. You really fucking don't, and you're only telling me you want me there to manipulate me into joining you."

"Manipulating you?" Tony repeats.

"Yes, manipulating me. You say you want me in the band, yet you've never expressed that, ever. Not once. Not even when we were fucking." I say, the word coming out sounding like venom. "I was waiting for you to say it, to say you wanted me there, that you wanted me at all. But you didn't, Tony. You never fucking did, not until now when you need me."

From two rows in front of us, I see Vic look back towards us, concern on his face. It's entirely possible that I maybe got too worked up in what I was saying and ended up talking a bit too loud for this quiet airplane filled with mostly sleeping people. The only people not passed out seem to be the crew, Tony, Vic and me.

Vic being Vic, I expect to see him unbuckle his seatbelt and come over to Tony and I's row to try and fix the issue we're having. Only he doesn't do that. Instead, he, while keeping eye contact with us, slips his headphones on his head before turning around in his seat.

I don't know if that's his silent way of telling us that he's choosing not to listen to us for the sake of everyone involved, or if he's trying to tell us that he's done listening to us altogether. Either way. I'm grateful for him not intervening.

"I've always wanted you here, Kody." Tony says after a beat.

"Then why didn't you ever tell me that?"

Tony's eyes slide to the floor between us. I've known Tony long enough to know that he's struggling right now. He's trying hard to remain professional, to not let his mask slip and reveal how he's really feeling.

It used to gut me to see him struggle like that. I always wanted to reach out and comfort him, to tell him it's okay and that he can be himself especially around me. Now? Now I don't care. He can find himself or not, I just know I'm not helping him get there.

"I don't know." Tony finally says after several long seconds of silence. "I thought you knew. I didn't think I had to say it."

"Well, you should've said it."

Tony opens his mouth, presumably to tell me it now, but I stop him before he can say anything.

"I don't want to hear it." I tell him. I turn my body to the side opposite of him, letting my gaze fall to the clouds just outside of the window. With the minimal shred of composure I have left, I turn my head slightly to Tony and say, "It's too late now."

Chapter Text

"I'm not doing it. No fucking way."

Today is the last show I will ever play with Pierce the Veil. After six long enervating, draining months, this is the final and last show.

I thought it would feel different, this day. I thought I'd be dragging my feet, not wanting to go up on stage and say goodbye to the life I've been living for the past weeks. I'm sure that would be the case too if it weren't for the fact that Adam and Emmy decided to surprise me and come watch my last show.

At first it was an amazing surprise. I was excited to share this moment with my siblings. It lasted a whole 45 minutes before Adam and Emmy teamed up on me, telling me that I'm making a huge mistake by declining the offer to join Pierce the Veil as a permanent member. 

I told them that while I appreciated their ill attempt at compassion, it was entirely unnecessary as I already made up my mind and nothing was going to change it. For some reason I thought that would be the end of the conversation. Jokes on me, I guess, because an hour later we're exhausting the topic even more.

"Kody, come on. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and you're gonna blow it because of some guy?" Adam says. 

"I'm not blowing it because of one guy, I-" I protest before Adam cuts me off.

"Yes, you are!" he says. "You're saying no to it because you can't deal with confrontation. You never can."

"That's not true."

"Adam's right." Emmy adds in. Looking over at her I see that she's in a rare moment of seriousness. There's no hint of a smile hiding anywhere, she means business. "You're pushing this really great thing away because you can't face your problems face on."

"I can." I hiss in disagreement. "And keep your voice down. There's people trying to work."

With a couple hours left to our show, I decided to bring Adam and Emmy backstage which is now proving to be a complete lack of judgement on my part as they can't seem to keep their mouths shut. Not only that, but anytime a man passes by with tattoos, Emmy "whispers" to me asking if its Tony. Thankfully he hasn't passed by at all yet. I'm kind of worried about what'll happen when he does come by.

"Okay, remember when we went to that cottage that one summer? You entered the talent show with that kid you met, what was his name?" Adam says.

"Barry!" Emmy says, pressing a hand to her heart. "He gave me a rock shaped like an arrow."

"Yeah, arrow rock Barry." Adam says, snapping his fingers and pointing at Emmy before looking over at me, "You were pissed he gave Emmy that rock because you wanted it, and instead of saying something to either of them, you let it fester and didn't do the talent show because of it!"

"Dude, I was eight." I say to Adam. 

"Doesn't matter." he retorts. "You did the same thing with your best friend when you were fourteen. You skipped that trip to Seattle because you didn't want to be near her because she called you an emo wannabe."

"Okay, but for a fourteen year-old, that's devastating to hear." I say. "And I was a kid for all those, it's different."

"No, it's not." Adam says earnestly. 

From behind Adam I see Vic coming, his eyes lighting up when he sees me. I suppress a groan. Since I declined their offer, the guys - except for Tony, obviously - have been cornering me and trying to talk me out of my decision. I figured I'd gone through all the talks already but something about the way Vic is looking at me tells me that I have one last talk coming in. 

"Hey, guys." Vic calls out as he comes around to join our triangle.

He has his hands in his pockets, almost looking bashful as he offers us all a friendly grin. Out the corner of my eye, I see Emmy's face change to one of interest. I make a mental note after to tell her that he's married.

"Hey, Vic." I say. "Um, this is Adam and Emmy, my brother and sister. Guys, Vic."

"Hi." Emmy says, dragging out the 'i' sound. She throws Vic a cute little wave, one where you bend your fingers into your palm rather than shake your whole hand. He doesn't look fazed by it at all.

"Pleasure to meet you." Adam says, putting on his professional voice.

"Pleasures all mine." Vic retorts. "Kody talks about you guys a lot, feels like I kind of know you already."

"Oh?" Emmy says, throwing a sly smile my way. "Good things only, yeah?"

"Some." Vic says before throwing a wink my way. "Would you guys mind if I stole Kody for a couple of minutes? I promise to bring her back."

"Nah, you can keep her." Adam says. "We've been trying to get rid of her long enough."

"Funny, we're trying for the opposite." Vic says with a playful smile.

"Can I, um, for lack of a better phrase, leave them here unattended?" I ask Vic referring to Adam and Emmy.

"Yeah, of course." Vic says. He turns and looks around, then calls out to a guy who is leaning against a giant speaker. "Yo, Hugo? Mind keeping an eye on them 'til Kody's back?"

Hugo nods at us in way of confirmation.

"Good to go." Vic says.

I turn back to Adam and Emmy and give them by best attempt at a stern look.

"Don't go anywhere and don't fuck anything up." I tell them. 

Both of them nod at me in a way that lets me know they're going to fuck everything they can up. For two adults they can really be childish.

Still, I leave them under the supervision of Hugo and go off with Vic. He leads me through the venue as if this is his house. We walk down onto the stage where I figure we'll stop, but we continue right off the stage to the middle of the venue's floor.

"So, last show today." Vic says as we walk in what seems to be an aimless direction.

"Yep." I say. "Last one."

"It doesn't have to be."

I groan. I can't help it. I'm so tired of this.  

Almost like Vic knows what I'm thinking, he asks me a question he already knows the answer to.

"What do Adam and Emmy think?"

I hate the way he uses their names to try and humanize the situation more. As if Vic remembering the names of my brother and sister that he met mere seconds ago will somehow make me think that he remembers stuff about me, so he must be trustworthy and I should listen to his advice. I get it, I do, but at the same time I'm getting really tired of this.

"You know what they think." I say to Vic. "They want me to reconsider."

"Looks like we're all on the same page." he says.

"Almost all of you are." I retort.

Vic's brows furrows over what I can only assume is him wondering if I mean myself or Tony in this situation. To be perfectly frank, I don't know the answer to it either. Maybe deep down I mean it towards the both of us. 

To his credit, Vic doesn't push the question that I know he wants the answer to. Instead, we walk silently, threading through people working on setting up tonight's show. We go up a staircase, make a left turn, up another set of mini stairs then get to a door that's marked as private.

Vic strolls over to the door and opens it. He takes a step to the side and motions for me to go into the door first.

I lean forward a little to peer into it to see what's in there only to find it too dark to see anything. The only thing I manage to make out is a red blinking light at the far side of the room, and the glow of some other lights I can't see.

"Um, no?" I say, shooting him a confused look. "You're not luring me into this random dark room."

Vic grins at me. "It's worth it, I promise."

I take a deep breath in as I take a step forward. Mentally I try and prepare myself as much as I can, ready for anything to be in these four walls. 

As it turns out, there isn't much to prepare for. Once inside the room I see a guy sitting in front of a computer system that's set up for our lights for the show. 

I've never put much thought into the behind scenes of it all, I realize. I thought the lights were controlled by the stage hand on the side who put whatever he was feeling that night. I didn't know we had an entire set up done for us beforehand.

"Do I get to play with the lights?" I ask Vic, an excited look on my face.

Vic laughs but shakes his head at me. "No, Felix would never let you touch his setup." he says which earns him a nod of agreeance from who I can only assume is Felix. "I brought you here because I like seeing the stage from up here. It's the best view in the house."

I look out onto the empty stage. It's weird seeing it from this point of view, the one where I'm not on it. My heart sinks at the thought of having to get used to this view. 

"Come on." Vic says, motioning with his head for me to follow him. 

He turns and heads up the few stairs we have in this room, leading us up to the top row where we sit down. Neither of us say anything for the first couple of seconds. Vic is happily enjoying the view while I'm watching Felix work, his hands flying all over his computer. I have no idea what he's doing, but it seems like he's doing it well.

After several more seconds of this quietness, Vic speaks up. His voice is clear and strong amid the quiet room.

"Tony told me what happened between you guys." Vic says to me. He glances over at me with those warm, caring eyes. "I'm sorry you had to go through that, Kody."

Instinctively I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them, making myself smaller in my seat.

"It's fine." I tell Vic. I keep my eyes glued on Felix, finding that watching him work is actually quite calming. "It's not entirely his fault."

"No...but he should've handled it better." Vic says before adding, "Even he knows that."

My heart skips a beat over the thought of Tony breaking down and talking to Vic about everything that went on between he and I. 

I wonder if he showed up at Vic's door at night, broken down and needing to talk, or if it came out in and angry and aggressive explosion of truth. I want the answer to the question, however I'd never, ever bring myself to put my ego aside and ask Vic about it, so I stay silent because I have nothing else to say.

"I know you made up your mind already." Vic says slowly.

"I'm not changing it." I say, the words tumbling out of my mouth at record breaking speed.

"I wasn't going to ask you to." he says. "I want you to really think about it, though, Kody. Don't consider Tony. Don't even consider myself or Jaime. Think of what's best for you."

Two techs walk onto the stage with what looks like bundles of wires in their hands. It's hard to tell from up here especially since they're dressed in all black and are holding black wires. I watch as they drop them down onto the stage, kicking them so they unravel.

The view from here isn't great. I can't even make out anyone's face, and yet I like it here. I like being up high and watching from the distance. Would I want this to be my permanent view rather than on stage? That I don't have an answer for yet.

"On our first tour, I almost quit." he tells me, his eyes on the techs as well. 

Even though he can't see them well either, I'm sure he knows their names. He seems to know every single person on this tour. It's one of the things I admire the most about him.

"I was this close," he says, holding his fingers up in a close pinch. "To quitting."

Tearing my eyes away from the stage, I look at Vic. "Why didn't you?"

Vic sighs a long, heavy sigh. "Because I knew this is what I wanted to do with my life. Despite all the bullshit that comes with it, and, well, you know that bullshit on a first name basis now, but despite that, I loved it."

"But...why?" I ask genuinely perplexed. I think back to the last couple of months, the long nights, the depleted energy and the tears. "Its exhausting, grueling work."

"Yeah, it is," he agrees. "But it's worth it, isn't it? Seeing the fans, feeling the energy, knowing you're part of something that is changing lives? All of it is worth it, don't you think?"

The reason I joined this band, besides my love for drumming, is that I wanted to do what Vic just said. To change lives.

I've seen how music can pull people out of the darkest times they've had. That feeling of having something to believe in again, even if that thing is a bunch of instruments and a couple of lines strung together, is enough to breath life in to someone. I wanted nothing but to be part of that feeling.

During tour, I got to see it live. I saw fans crying while screaming the lyrics that kept them here. I've seen friends holding one another while listening to the song that means the most to them, their fingers burrowing into one another's skin to hold them as clos as they can. Fans have told us how much we mean to them, how they're here because of us.

The music, the band, everything changes lives. I know that already. The question is whether I can stand to have mine changed along the way.

Chapter Text

The sound of my front door opening and closing when I'm not expecting company should send me into a nervous panic, however at this point of the summer, I know who's coming in without even having to check.

Footsteps come down the hallway, the floors cracking in a couple of key places as old wood floors always do. Seconds later I see the flash of dark hair move into my room.

"You look nice." Emmy says, as she flops onto my bed like it's hers. "Like, nicer than usual. You have plans?"

I open up my favourite lip-gloss, the pink sparkly one that Emmy bought for me last birthday I had. Truthfully, she only gave it to me because it was a buy one get one free deal that she said she couldn't pass up, so she gifted me the other one so we could be "twins." She ended up losing her own lip-gloss not even a month later and begged me for mine, which I said no to out of spite originally, however now I really love it.

I glance at Emmy through the mirror I'm using to put my lip-gloss on with.

"I'm going on a date." I tell her.

Her mouth forms into an 'o' shape. "With who? Where? Tonight? Who is it?"

This is the first time in weeks that I've shown any interest in dating at all. Everyone has been trying to set me up, telling me I need to "get back out there", but I really just don't give a fuck. I know it's not something we're supposed to say when it comes to dating, except I truly don't care. I don't want to waste time with someone to see if I like them or not only to realize I really don't.

Still, to get everyone off my back, I agreed to one date with some guy that Adam's friend's brother knows.

"Okay, calm down." I say. "His name is Kellar, which I know, is not a great name, but he's cute enough to make up for it."

"Kellar is so not a great name." Emmy agrees. "Where are you guys going?"

I glance back at her too interested face. She's sitting fully up on the bed, all of her attention focused on me. This isn't very Emmy of her which means something is up.

"I'm not telling you that." I tell her.

"Why not?" she whines, slumping a little in defeat. "I'm just curious."

"Yeah, so curious you're going to show up to spy on us." I retort.

There's no defense she can say in this situation because we both know that's exactly what she was going to do. It wouldn't be the first time either.

When I was 17 I was going out with this guy, Noah. He was a nice guy, cute, funny, the works. He knew this place where they had drive-in movies you could watch, so we went there to watch some lame movie like E.T. or something. Things were getting hot and heavy in the front of Noah's truck when I turned my head and noticed something in the cab of his truck. Obviously, I freaked out, screaming that E.T. was here to get us and we had to run, only for Emmy's head to pop out clear as day, looking right at me with wide eyes.

Yeah, after that I stopped telling her any info about any dates I had afterwards.

"I won't show up." Emmy promises. "You know I like knowing all the details. I feel left out otherwise."

"Oh, poor baby." I say with an exaggerated eye roll.

"Yeah, poor me!" she whines. She lets herself fall back onto the bed dramatically, her arms flailing out. "Poor me."

Ignoring the drama queen in back of me, I blot my lips together to distribute the lip gloss perfectly. The rose-pink colour of the gloss goes perfect with the light blush I've put on, and the glimmer of the gloss is the perfect addition to the entire look.

Taking a step back, I admire my appearance. My normally curly hair is straightened which makes it look longer than usual, trailing all the way to just above my waistline. I have on a cute little black jean romper that maybe is a bit too short for me, but this is Vegas in the summertime. Nothing is too short here. Of course, I've tied my whole look together with some classic Vans, the true staple to any outfit.

Deciding that I'm about as good as I'll ever be, I turn around to grab my purse from my bed. My eyes drift over to the drama queen who hasn't moved an inch since her initial flop.

I grab my purse carefully from beside her, wanting to not make a single sound or movement known to her, only to hear an exaggerated sigh from her.

Rolling my eyes, I give her what she wants. "We're going to a restaurant. Italian." I say. Emmy props herself up by her elbows, grinning at me like a crazy person. "We might get some gelato after, really depends on how it feels. We're supposed to go see this comedy show too after supper, it's an outdoor thing so as long as it's not too bad out and the comedian is funny, we'll probably stay out for the whole thing. I'm hoping to be home by 11 at the latest."

"What comedian?"

"I have no idea."

Emmy considers this for a moment before asking yet another question.

"You think he'll laugh too hard at the jokes and make it weird?"

"From the brief conversations I've had with Kellar, I'd say probably." I tell her, a small smile fighting it's way to my face as I picture Kellar laughing way too hard at the subpar jokes we're going to hear tonight. "I'll text you a thumbs up if he does."

"Is it he cute enough to get away with it?" Emmy asks, eyes gleaming.

I whip my phone out and go to Instagram to find Kellar's profile. Scrolling through photos of his car and photos of hikes and EDM shows he's been to, I find a good photo of Kellar. It's him on a boat, his button up shirt with pineapples on it open and blowing to the side. He's looking off to a side and has his sunglasses in one hand, a drink in another.

I twirl the phone around and hover it in front of Emmy. She tries to grab it to get a closer look, but as her sister, I don't trust her so I hold tighter onto the phone.

"You are so not taking it." I tell her.

She sneers at me for a second before dropping her eyes to the photo of Kellar in front of her.

"He looks like a Kellar ." Emmy says.

"What does that mean?"

Emmy shoots me a pointed look. "Come on." she says, gesturing at the photo in front of her. "He looks like a douche, and Kellar is such a douche name."

I turn my phone back to me to try and see what I'm missing. He doesn't look like a douche, he looks...he looks like a normal guy in his 30's. He looks maybe a bit vain, but confidence is a good thing, and Lord knows I've dealt with worse before, like Freddie.

"Maybe I'm wrong." Emmy says upon seeing me study the photo. "But if he has even one photo with a fish then run."

Emmy is currently at that age where she's on dating apps, seeing all sorts of guys who seem to all kind of have the same personality. All of them like keeping things casual, believe that a diet of Redbull and protein is the key to life, and apparently all have photos where they pose with fish. This, according to Emmy, is the way to tell if a guy is a "fuckboy", which they usually are.

I scroll up from Kellar's photo I'm currently on, eyes searching for a fish photo. He has 22 photos on Instagram, and from what I can tell, he is fish-free in all of them.

"No fish." I tell Emmy. "Can I go now?"

Her eyes light up. "Is he here?"

Readjusting my bag on my shoulder, I turn and head out the room, calling over my shoulder as I go.

"Like I'd ever bring him here when you're here. " I say as I walk down my hallway. I twist the front door open and take a step out. Before I close it, I holler into the house. "I expect you gone by time I come home!"

~

"The only thing that got bent that night was the fender on the car. Yep, after all that, turns out she was blind!" the comedian on stage says.

The audience erupts into a fit of laughs over this. They laugh their heads off, like this joke about this man's blind date is the funniest joke they've heard in their entire lives. Worst of all? Emmy was so right. Kellar is all but on the ground in hysteria laughing over the subpar joke.

Carefully, I slip my phone out and text Emmy a quick thumbs up emoji. Before I can click out the message, she's read it and the chat bubbles pop up.

"This guy is great, isn't he?" Kellar asks, snatching my attention back to the present moment.

I feel the vibration of my phone letting me know that Emmy texted me back, however I keep my eyes on Kellar even though I'm tempted to glance down.

"Oh, he's really something." I say, putting on my best fake smile. "Have you been a fan of him for long?"

I don't get the answer. The comedian is back to talking again, which prompts Kellar to shush me so he can listen to the next lame joke that's sure to be told.

Glancing down, I see that Emmy has sent me an entire paragraph.

I knew he'd be a laugher!!! I bet he's obsessed, like can't even look away huh?

Send a duck emoji if you want me to call you crying to get you out of there. Ive been practicing all night

It's a tempting offer.

Kellar is...nice. He opened the door for me at the restaurant. He asked me how my day was, what my hobbies were, the whole kit. But he chews with his mouth open. Like, really open. He also does have a fish photo - something he proudly showed me as we ate our pasta.

I could live with the mouth chewing to some degree and the fishing photo, but the fact that he likes this comedian means his sense of humour is horrible at best. I kind of figured it when several of my jokes went over his head at supper, only I had attributed that to first date nerves. Clearly it's more than that.

As if all the bad stuff isn't bad enough, the last straw for me truly is the shushing. I get being focused and wanting to hear something, but I'll never let a grown adult man shush me like I'm a child.

I know I can get up and leave this date at any time. I'm an adult with freewill, after all, but I still feel bad, so for that reason, I text Emmy a duck emoji before quickly putting my phone down face up on the table.

I glance over at Kellar who hasn't noticed me not paying attention at all, he's too busy paying attention for both of us. He's so engaged that he hardly notices when my phone goes off. I let it ring extra, which gets his attention through a sideways glance.

"Sorry." I say to Kellar, grabbing my phone and getting up. "It's my sister. I'll be right back."

"Yeah, no rush." he says, his eyes back on the stage in front of us.

I roll my eyes at no one as I make a beeline away from the table, pressing the phone against my ear as I go.

"Hey." I say quietly into the phone. "Thank you so much."

"Do I need to cry?" Emmy asks. "Because I found a great way to do it."

"Yeah? Looking at photos of Minnie again?"

Minnie was our calico cat that we had when we were younger. Her and Emmy were actually the same age when we got her. Minnie, not Emmy. Because of this, they were so close. If you were looking for Emmy, just look for Minnie and vice versa. Emmy absolutely adored that cat.

One day when Emmy got home from school, shortly after both her and Minnie's 17th birthday, she found Minnie on her bed, not moving. Old age had got to her, leaving Emmy without her best friend.

We all cried, however Emmy obviously took it hardest, going into mourning for months. Even now just looking at photos of Minnie will get her started again, especially if she's had a drink or two.

"No, you know I wouldn't use my girl for emotional fuel." Emmy says into the phone. "I plucked a couple of hairs out of my nose to do the job."

"That's good." I tell her. "But no need to cry, I walked away from him and he hardly noticed."

"Oh, perfect. Just text him and tell him you have to deal with an emergency at home." Emmy tells me. "That way you don't even need to go back."

I glance back over to where Kellar is sitting, my empty seat beside him.

"Can I really do that? Just text him?"

"You plan on seeing him again?"

I don't even hesitate. "No."

"Then text him and leave." she says before quickly adding, "Ooh, actually leave then text him. That way he can't come see you."

Leave it to Emmy to be so good at this. I don't even have to ask her how many times she's done this before, she obviously has the entire thing down to an act which means she's done this often.

Even though I don't like the idea of leaving Kellar there alone, I also don't doubt he'll be okay. I give him one last glance before I turn and start towards my car, walking quickly and looking back every five seconds like I'm being stalked.

"God, you're breathing so loud." Emmy says. "Don't you do any cardio at work?"

"How would I do cardio? I answer phones all day and deal with Adam's patients." I say into the phone. "I'm not, like, lifting boxes and squatting with them."

"Maybe you should, you sound busted." she says.

"Maybe you should actually get a job." I say into the phone. "Maybe then-" I start to say before I cut myself off. In the background on Emmy's side of the phone I hear a distinct sound of a doorbell. "Dude, are you at my fucking apartment still?"

"Yeah, and I ordered pizza for us." she says. "You still keep your 20's in your fake candle on the table?"

How the fuck does she know about that? I open my mouth to tell her off, only for her hurriedly rush me off the phone, telling me she needs to pay the pizza guy and that she - and the pizza - will be waiting for me when I come home.

I manage to walk the rest of the way to my car without being caught. I shoot a quick text to Kellar letting him know there's been an emergency with my sister and I need to go attend to it.

I only get an answer when I'm halfway home. A thumbs up reaction to my message. I make a mental note to block him when I get home, right after I move my secret money stash and throw Emmy out of my apartment, or at least attempt to.