Archive of Our Own ^beta

The day the Ralph’s announced there’d be auctions instead of buying food normally, Cecil felt his stomach turn in more knots than he thought physically possible. 

It made things pass through his mind. Bad things. It made him remember points in his life that were grueling. Every time he remembered he might have to participate in one of those again, the thought of losing, the thought of terrible things happening to him just because he lost it. A whole year of the results of an auction being a consistent source of anxiety and upset was too much. After everything was resolved with Hiram’s violet head, Cecil had thought that he’d never have to deal with auctions again. 

Cecil scorned his own foolishness and naiveté. 

Soon after he’d finished the interview concerning the use of auctions over conventional methods of shopping, he’d gone to his car and sat down in the driver’s seat. He put the keys in the ignition, but he didn’t start the car. He was still trying to process it all. He was still trying to understand what was happening, and why. He knew that the staff didn’t do this to scorn him, but…god, it almost felt like it. He could barely hear the word auction, much less the number that comes after 36 and before 38. It always made his stomach feel as though it was full of rocks, heavy rocks that hit each other every time he breathed and made him feel even worse. 

Cecil closed his eyes and covered them with his hands. Trying to tell himself his entire existence couldn’t be bought at these auctions was pointless. It didn’t help. He was still terrified something could happen to him, terrified he’d have a repeat of the previous year, never sure of what he had been doing the entire day, never sure who really had control of him, never sure…swimming in a sea of doubt even more deep than usual. Cecil felt tears pushing themselves out, and he bit his lip. No, no. No. He wasn’t going to get upset. This was ridiculous, wasn’t it? Auctions being a buzzword that sparked awful feelings was just him being risible. But, irritatingly, the prospect of him being absurd made him even more worried. Cecil slouched in the seat and uncovered his eyes, squinting at the parking lot drenched in bright sunlight, heat waves making the view outside somewhat distorted. Unless the outside was distorted for some other reason, potentially because of the glowing sludge spilled over a good half of the parking lot. 

It didn’t really matter.

There were other, bigger, worse, nigh insurmountable things racking Cecil’s mind at the moment. 

Cecil opened the front door. He was home, but didn’t feel it. His head felt foggy, as though it was somewhere else. He didn’t know what was going on. He didn’t know what caused his entire brain to float off into some other plane of being while he dragged himself about the rest of his day, trying his best to respond to interns’ questions and listen to what others were asking him even if he didn’t feel present at the moment. It’d been difficult, almost too difficult. A few people asked if he was okay, and he’d just sighed and said he guessed. He didn’t want to say one short interview had launched him into a state like this.

Cecil felt a warm and solid presence bump against him. For the first time in several hours, he smiled.

“Hey muffin.”

“Hi sweetie! How were you today? I was good, I found a walking shrub on the side of the street and had a nice conversation with them. Their name is George, and they think photosynthesis is wonderful and something more species should pick up because food looks really disgusting. Oh, and I found some quartz on the walk home! I’ll show you a little later, they’re all beautiful and they change colors sometimes. Sorry, I asked you how you were, I hope none of that sounded inconsiderate. Was it inconsiderate? It’s okay if you felt like it was really inconsiderate.”

“No, no, it wasn’t,” said Cecil, “I guess I’m just not feeling well right now. I had a…pretty bad interview today. I mean, it didn’t go over badly, it was fine, it just left me feeling…badly.”

“Come sit down,” Carlos said, pulling Cecil to the couch, “I think that you need to sit down right now.”

Cecil only grunted in response, and let Carlos sit him down and then sit down next to him. Carlos rested his head on Cecil’s shoulder. Cecil stared at the wall, and did so for an indeterminate amount of time. It could have been a few seconds, or half an hour. Time was weird and he really had no idea.

“What happened?”

“What?”

“What happened in the interview you said left you feeling badly.”

“Oh. Um. Nothing, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“I mean it was nothing, and I’m overreacting and being stupid.”

“Cecil, the way you emotionally feel about things cannot be stupid. We don’t feel emotions for no reason, or so they can exist only because we’re overreacting. We feel emotions so that we can respond to things in unique ways and experience the things that we experience. It’s not stupid, I promise.”

“Yes it is,” said Cecil, turning his head and meeting Carlos’ concerned eyes, “I’m being ridiculous. This whole thing is ridiculous and I’m ridiculous and everything is ridiculous.”

“It’s not, Ceece, I promise. Whatever you are feeling is okay to feel. You don’t need to share it, but I just want you to know that it’s okay to feel how you’re feeling, alright?”

“Even if it’s stupid.”

“It’s probably not stupid, but yes, even if.”

“Okay.”

Cecil was quiet again. Carlos felt himself getting more concerned. Cecil was rarely quiet, let alone, this quiet. Even when Cecil wasn’t talking, he was humming, or making noises with his tongue, or mumbling to himself, or something. Cecil being absolutely noiseless was something that only happened when he was upset, and when he felt floaty, or not really there. Of course, Carlos meant what he said when he mentioned that Cecil didn’t need to share anything right now. But Carlos still loved his boyfriend and was still worried about him. 

Carlos felt Cecil’s hand navigate its way to his hair. For a few minutes all they did was sit in silence, Cecil rubbing Carlos’ scalp and feeling the softness of it all, just focusing on that sensory stimulation for as long as he could. Carlos closed his eyes and kept his head on Cecil’s shoulder. Even if they weren’t talking, this moment felt so, so wonderful, because they were there for each other in that moment.

Eventually, Cecil exhaled deeply, but kept a hand in Carlos’ hair.

“It’s about the Ralph’s.”

“What about it?”

“The interview I had today. It was with Charlie Baer, about how they’re going to start using auctions instead of buying food normally. He said it was more interesting and better, and…Carlos, I couldn’t handle it. It was too much. I had no idea how to feel, and I still don’t. I don’t understand why they’re doing this or why they think it’s okay when auctions are such terrible things, that can hurt people in really awful ways. I don’t want to have to go to another one, Carlos, I don’t want to have to go to an auction ever again, and I didn’t want to after all of that, but now I might have to and I…I don’t know how I feel, how to feel, or what to do.”

“Oh, Cecil, honey, no, no…” Cecil felt Carlos wrap his arms around him, “that’s not ridiculous at all! That’s perfectly okay! You’re more than allowed to feel that way about auctions! After everything that happened last year, it’s alright to not like the thought of them at all! More than alright to not want to go to or participate in them, too! Why would you think that’s ridiculous?”

“It just seems like it is. It’s not something like death or injury. It’s something small and trivial.”

“To some people, maybe. And those people would be wrong to say it’s a small and trivial thing that you personally. Because to you personally, they aren’t small and trivial. They represent something that made your life really, really difficult for a whole year and made you really upset and nervous the whole time, too. Has someone told you it’s a small thing? I really hate to be like this, but honestly, it really cheeses me off if someone told you that. After all you went through, I can’t believe people would say that to you.”

“No, no…” Cecil laughed a bit, “nobody told me that. It’s just how I feel. But. I guess you’re right. It’s not a small thing to me. It’s a big deal to me. It’s a huge deal. I’m just angry with myself because I can’t go grocery shopping anymore, because of this.”

“So? I’ll go for you! And if you need something really quickly, you can always go to a convenience store. They sell food normally there. It’s alright. There’s always a way things can be worked out, even if it is not readily visible.”

“You’ll really do that for me?”

“Of course! I love helping people. And I love helping you, because I love you, a lot.”

“I love you too,” said Cecil, before kissing Carlos’ cheek, “so much. Thank you. Thank you so much. I…I still feel weird. Like my head’s in a fog. But, I think I feel better.”

“You don’t need to feel better right away, Ceece. It’s been a rough day for you.”

“You’re damn right it has. But it just got a lot better, I think.”

“Awwww, stop.”

“Nuh-uh. It’s true.”

Cecil felt Carlos cuddle closer to him, and Cecil finally hugged Carlos back, looping them both into a warm and mutual embrace.

In that moment, things, for the first time since that interview, felt okay.