Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

David couldn’t stop thinking about it, about what his farther did and the amount of burdens he brought to everyone around him. The shit he put his mother through, and not to mention Brenda losing her farther when she hadn’t done anything wrong.

 ‘Wrong,’ the word repeated in his mind more times than he could count, because he hated that he was wrong. He hated how he liked Exer, and he blamed himself for the fact that Exer liked him back. He hated the way that he could see the sadness in Brenda’s eyes when someone brought up their farther, he knew it was because of him. He knew it was because he was different, and there was no changing that.

He also hated the way that people noticed he wasn’t okay, like poor Harry for example. He especially felt bad because Harry tried to help, tried to catch David when he was alone but David always acted like he was fine when he actually wasn’t. He loved Harry, he was like the farther he never had and that’s why he didn’t deserve him. He didn’t deserve anyone, he didn’t like the fact that Exer loved him, he didn’t like the fact that Ron loved him, Brenda, or his mom.

He didn’t like the fact that he could barely get out of bed, he didn’t like the fact that he found it hard to even brush his teeth, he hated the fact he’d been so snappy towards the people that loved him most. He hated that he was real, he hated the fact that his mom created a mistake like him, he hated the fact he was ever even born, he hated the fact he made friends, had a sister, a mother, and the fact he had a good life that he didn’t deserve. He hated that he was alive.

He sort of felt like maybe he should’ve just never been born, Brenda would be happier and no one would be burdened by him. 

No one was making it better for him either, he heard the snide comments made about him as he walked down the school hallways. Everyone always believed he was a queer, but his dad and football covered it up well. But now he has no dad and hand doesn’t play football anymore, he knows he will only let the team down and the fact that he lost weight didn’t help his case one bit. The worst part was, he wanted to lose that weight, and he still does. He wants it all to be gone till it just kills him off eventually. That’s why he refrained from taking his shirt off in front of Exer, because he know the questions would pour in like a flash flood.

For some reason, David didn’t understand why he felt like this, and why he isolated himself then felt abandoned by people after telling them to leave him alone. Like his poor sister, who just loved him too much, his mother who would kill for him, and Exer. The man he loved most.

The worst part was, he didn’t just feel abandoned… he felt like everyone was criticising him. When he walked down the hallway and heard a snicker behind him, he always thought it was him. Sometimes it was him, other times he was wrong and blinded by insecurity. The real thing was the fact that people did hate him now, and will for a long while. What he did to Jackson was terrible, he didn’t blame Exer, why would he? He blamed himself, he should’ve stopped Exer or tried harder to become better friends with Jackson, or maybe he could’ve left him alone. Just, left him alone so that none of that would’ve happened because if he had left Jackson alone, maybe he wouldn’t have gotten so hurt.

Doesn’t matter if he’s pulling the pin or not, everyone who gets close to him gets hurt. Exer. A boy who got hurt by David directly, twice, all because David couldn’t handle Exer dating his sister and because he couldn’t accept Exer’s powers. Brenda. She lost her dad because of him, and he can’t bring his dad back so he can’t even try to fix it. Ronald. Ronald said he felt left out and that was David’s fault, he didn’t even know how it just was. His mum. And that didn’t need any explanation because him just being in his mothers life ruined it. Last of all, him. He ruined his own life by being alive.

It was around after winter break time he started thinking these so strongly, but throughout the past couple of month they’d been flickering on and off in his head like and old lightbulb. It made it worse whenever he was picked on by his classmates, wether it was a joke or not it always hurt. It never used to, when his classmates made jokes about him to his face, he never really cared all that much. Yeah it stung a little, but it never used to make him want to cry?

Honestly, he found it embarrassing the day that his mother came to talk to him about it. He didn’t even know why it was embarrassing but as his mother talked about depression and suicide he felt his face heat up. It made him want to curl up into a ball and just die. Especially at the part where his mother said that “I won’t be able to live without you or Brenda.” 

He thought she was bluffing. His life isn’t worth that much so she had to be bluffing, he understood Brenda’s half though. Brenda was worth much more than him, she’s smart, beautiful, amazing at everything she does so she’s much more worth than him. David’s just David, a young boy who got kicked out of his house for being gay. He was the worst person he knew, he was purely just annoying, ugly, weird, an embarrassment, fat.

 On that matter he wanted to keep losing weight, he couldn’t understand why but he just really needed to lose weight, feeling so light was like an addiction. Being able to be picked up by Exer was also nice, although, Exer didn’t like it too much. That didn’t change much, he did remember every time Exer told him how he should eat more and how he should stop losing weight. He didn’t care though because every time he fainted, he felt okay about it, he felt like he deserved to feel depressed.

The one time Exer ran his fingers over David’s ribs though, he felt sick to his stomach. At the time Exer didn’t know what was going on with David, so David didn’t tell him a thing. Harry did however tell Exer. He told Exer how he was worried about David and the weight he had lost and how every time David stood up he’d rock due to dizziness. Even when David did eat, he kept the portions small and it was mainly vegetables.

He knew he was hurting the people around him, he’d never get better, at least not while he was alive, maybe when he was dead he would finally feel some sort of peace, maybe he wouldn’t feel anything. Maybe death would be like the warm hug he never received from his father. Maybe it would feel worse than being beaten to the ground by his dad. Maybe death would be like nothing at all, like he never existed, his brain would shut down and that would be it. He wouldn’t be able to come back to Earth, maybe the concept of heaven, hell, reincarnation, and ghosts are all to comfort people who don’t want death to be nothing.

Another day, Brenda told David that she couldn’t live without him, she must’ve overheard the conversation between him and Christine.

David, of course, thinks she’s lying, who the hell would die for him anyways. Let alone literally kill themselves because he’s no longer alive.

The good thing was though, at least no one else knew, and that no one else included Exer. If Exer found out, David didn’t know what the hell he would do. Maybe, he would cry, scream, or just not care all that much because what the point anymore if he was inevitably going to die anyway.

Of course he felt guilty for wanting to die, how could he not feel guilty. He was leaving everyone behind including his poor sister and friends. David didn’t care all that much though because he saw it as finally doing something for himself, he’d been taking care of people, being selfless, caring, kind. One final selfish act wouldn’t hurt because he knew that he made it up to everyone. He became friends with Pamela, he managed to stop being so ignorant, he managed to make it up to Jackson. All he had left was to do something for himself.

So, he planned.

One week from now he would do it, he didn’t want to act on it just yet as he had to do things to prepare, give some of his things away, clean the house, box up all of his stuff, most importantly plan and write his notes.

David didn’t want to leave his loved ones empty, he wanted them to know it wasn’t anyone’s fault but his. So notes were the perfect thing to do, he’d write one to Brenda, his mum, Exer, Ronald, Pamela, Jackson, Harry, and his father.

He wanted to write one to his father for an obvious fact, he was still David’s dad and nothing could change that. He wasn’t going to write anything much to his father, only that he still loved him and forgave him for what he did. He would also write about how he didn’t like him but that doesn’t matter because he still loves him.

Harry got one because he was like a second dad to David, always welcoming, always warm, and always helped David no matter what.

The reasons for the rest of the notes were pretty obvious, they were the people closest to him and he wanted to thank them and tell them that he loved them. 

David planned to jump of the bridge just outside of his town, not many people went on the bridge to walk so he was in the clear for the path part of the bridge, cars often went over the bridge but I was extremely hard to see pedestrians if you were driving so he had that figured out. He didn’t want to traumatise anyone because that’s not the kind of person he is. He would do it after school and skip football practice so his mother and sister wouldn’t be suspicious for a while after school. He knew Ronald would be suspicious so he would just tell Ron that he was skipping practice and going to the cup’o’cat with Exer. He would tell Exer that he is going straight home. If all else fails he will go to the cup’o’cat with Exer and when Exer’s shift finishes he will just walk to the bridge after.

He wanted this to work.

After he planned, he felt a sense of relief and an overwhelming sense of sadness and happiness. But he wasn’t sad because he was going to die, he was sad about all the people he would hurt.

David is the first to go.

Chapter Text

David wrote his notes, each enough detail to describe how David felt about them, and how it wasn’t their faults. He hated that he had to write the notes because it made him realise that he actually had a reason to stay and he was just doing it for himself. He wrote anyways, he wasn’t cancelling the plans.

The first note was for his mom.

“Dear, mom.

I’m sorry, I really did try. 

Please, don’t think that this is your fault. It isn’t, at all, if it was you would probably be able to see it in the way I acted. You’re intelligent like that, don’t let your brain make things up like that.

You were the best mother I could’ve asked for, I mean, you have accepted my decisions at my lowest and highest. I don’t think I would’ve made it this far without you, I know it was your goal to keep me and Brenda safe but this is my own decision. It sucks to say but this is one of the only things I’ve done for myself. 

I’m not happy that my decision is hurting others but I’m happy that this pain will finally be over. I always tried not to think bad thoughts so I could stay alive but I’ve come to accept that I was never meant to live this long. I always had a gnawing feeling that I wouldn’t make it to 20, and I’ve finally figured it out. 

Don’t worry about me though, just think of it as me leaving to go to college or something! I am sorry mommy I’m so sorry mom.

All my love,

David.”

David cried while writing his mothers note because he knew she would be heartbroken. However, he knew that his mother would hopefully not blame herself as he told her not to. The next note was harder anyways.

“Dear Brenda,

I’m sorry it had to come to this, you’re my twin, my other half and I will always love you no matter what, even when I’m in the sky. Watch the sunset for me and take care of mom.

I love you, please don’t think this is your fault, because it’s far from that. Blame anyone but yourself sis because you could never do anything to hurt me. I know I guilt trip you into making me food by talking about the time you dated Exer but I am not hurt by that anymore seeing as I am dating Exer right now. If anything I would’ve supported the relationship if it happened (even though I’d be jealous). But anyways sorry for blabbing on about that, I’m always a blabbermouth even in damn letters, I’m doing it again aren’t I? I just wanted to make sure you knew even that wouldn’t cause this.

Remember that Halloween when we finally got to be matching, we were vampires, that was one of my favouritest nights with you. Trick or treating with you always hits the spot even if we were 15 and it’s made for kids. HA.

I have many favourite people but you have to be my most favourite. You’re my twin and my other half and nothing can change it, you know that right? I’ll always be your brother and I will haunt you if I become a ghost!

Take care of yourself

All of my love,

Your bestest bro

David”

That note was the hardest as he knew Brenda would struggle the most, she’d never been good with death. When her fish died she cried for two weeks. David only gave her the task of taking care of their mom because it’s distract Brenda from what happened. Anyways, Brenda was always good at taking care of people, she worked in a care home at one point so she was very experienced in the whole taking care of people field.

The next note was his dads.

“To dad,

I know you don’t think of me as your son anymore but I still think of you as my dad, and I always will. This note will probably be shorter than the rest because we aren’t as close anymore. 

I know you still love me deep down and that’s why I’m writing this note, just so you know that I still love you and that I also love Linda.

When I lived with you, everything I did was for you. I joined the football team, I’d avoid detentions, I’d stay in my room to get out of the way, I faked liking the food you made, I faked liking beer for a while. If that doesn’t prove that I loved you I’m not sure what will. 

I know you will regret kicking me out for the rest of your life because of this but I just wanted to say that I forgive you and I know you were only doing what you thought was best for me, you, and Linda.

Love,

David.”

That note wasn’t as difficult to write for the obvious reason that his farther wasn’t in his life as much any more so. But he still cried a little while writing it, especially during the forgiveness part and he didn’t even know why which annoyed him a little. He knew the next note would be very hard.

“Dear Exer,

My love, I want you to know this is the furthest thing from your fault, please never blame yourself for this otherwise I will cook you in the afterlife and when you join me when you’re all old and withered I will force feed you all the horrible meals I made. I’ll know if you blame yourself because I can feel when you blame yourself for something, you pull a face and your energy shifts.

You also better remember our first kiss because that moment was the best I ever felt. Even though it was clumsy and two o’clock if the freaking morning, it was my favourite thing ever. 

I’ve told Brenda to take care of mom but that’s unrelated, I want you to take care of yourself because I know you will struggle. I just want you to know, it was for the best. It wasn’t your fault, I love you more than anyone in this whole world. I’ll miss you and your laugh, your cigarette addiction, your face, your eyes, your love, your warmth, just you.

I love you so much,

David

(Ps, when I’m gone you can date whoever you fall in love with, as long as you’re happy)”

That note was pretty hard to write but also pretty fun, it was nice to think about Exer and all the times they had together, plus he knew that Exer and everyone would be better without him. But he also needed to write a note to Harry just saying that he was amazing and that he should take care of Exer. 

“Dear, Mr Harry,

I am forever in your debt for how much you have taken care of me. You treated me as your own even when I was a complete stranger or the time when my farther kicked me out for the night. If it was possible for me and Exer to get married, you would’ve been the greatest farther in law ever, sometimes I think I prefer you over my own dad but don’t let him read this otherwise he’d kill you or shout at my grave or something silly like that HA. I could picture him doing that actually. Joking (maybe).

Please take care of Exer, I know he will struggle with this. I mean he was my best friend and my boyfriend I think I’d die if he died. Wait no, I’m not saying he’s going to die just because I died. Aw sugar I’ve messed this up. I’m a loud mouth even when I’m writing. Exer is way stronger than me, he can pull through this easily he won’t die just because I died I promise you but please please take care of him for me.

Love,

David”

That note wasn’t too hard for David, it was just some notes saying to take care of Exer, although he was angry at the fact he made a mistake. He knew that he was going to do all his closest friends next and those should be pretty okay! He thinks.

“Ron!

I’m so sorry that I had to leave you, you were the greatest friend to me and always tried to take care of me when things were down. You were the first person I opened up to about being gay and that should hopefully tell you all you need to know. If I hadn’t met you I probably would’ve melted into a ball with the amount of struggles I had. 

However, you, yourself need someone to talk to, you can’t struggle by yourself. I won’t allow you. And that’s why I’m going to haunt you in the afterlife! All apart of my evil plan. HA HA HAAA. But I’m being serious, if you don’t talk to someone I will kill you or something.

You’re my best buddy dude, thank you for always being there even from when we first met. It’s not your fault.

All love,

David.”

Next was going to be Pamela’s, he wanted to get hers done sooner so he could apologise to her, he knew the order he wrote the letters wouldn’t make much of a difference but it still felt good to apologise sooner.

“To, Pamela.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for bullying you even though you were right about everything. You are a beautiful person with a beautiful face and personality. You are so much fun to be around and I love having our little gossip sessions especially when our stupid boyfriends are off ‘bonding,’ or some stupid things like that.

I still can’t believe you actually had the courage to forgive me after all I did to you, and you also became one of my closest friends. I can’t believe you found it in your good heart to forgive me for the bullying. You’re one of the best people I know and we only became friends a couple of months ago!

Please, take good care of yourself, and if I see you in the afterlife and it’s NOT when you’re old I will kill you and send you back to earth as hmmmmm whatever your spirit animal is I’ll figure it out.

Love,

David”

Well, he only had one left. It was kind of nerve wracking to write because he knew after this one it would be finalised and it would start to feel more real. 

“Dear Jackson,

Like I said to Pamela, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been so blind to Exer’s bullying last year and I should’ve told him to stop before it got worse. But over the past year you have also become one of my closest friends, I’m not entirely sure why you chose to forgive me because I can be super annoying at times like I will not stop talking just like now but I’m glad we are friends. Or were.

But please take care of Exer, I’ve noticed Elijah has been a bit cold to him recently, please tell him to stop or just to tell Exer straight up not to be friends. I’m sorry if it’s a pain to ask but I just don’t want you or Exer to be involved in more dramas together again.

Thank you for being a good friend.

Love,

David.”

And that was it, just like that. He was finished writing all his notes to his favourite people. It wasn’t that big of a deal, just a couple of notes. He just wanted everyone to be okay though.

Ring, ringggggg, ring, ringggggg, ring, ringggggggg

“Hello?…”