Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The clicking of computer keys was so rhythmic and repetitive it was putting Pomni to sleep. The steady drone of buzzing that came from the device in front of her only served to further lull her into the half-lidded state she had previously been fighting off. She reached up to fidget with the bells on her hat, and groped only empty air.

Right.

It had been about a month and a half and she still hadn’t gotten used to the fact that she no longer had a jester’s hat perpetually stuck to her head.
It was a sobering thought that pretty effectively woke her up.
Thinking about the Circus hurt her head, but she couldn’t get the memories out of her mind. She stopped typing and allowed herself to think about the night she got back.

-She had woken up abruptly in the same weirdly non-ransacked urbex spot. Pomni took absolutely no time to rip the headset off, hurtling it to the ground as she panted, panic starting to build up. Everything around her was so detailed, it was overwhelming her brain to not see the overly saturated and cartoony surroundings she had grown used to. She had an unceremonious meltdown after tumbling out of the desk chair, sobbing on the floor. After what felt like hours of tears and wheezing breaths, she had peeled herself off the ground and took a few halting steps. She was shocked she could still walk. After all, it’s not like her body had eaten or drank water in the time it had been staring aimlessly at the computer on the dusty desk.

With shaking hands, Pomni had grabbed the long-dead video recorder she had mounted by the computer and sprinted out of the house she was exploring. She almost collapsed more than once, legs absolutely screaming from disuse (though not completely failing), but she eventually reached her car, which mercifully started up and had enough gas to bring her back to civilization.

It was like she was moving on autopilot, and only days after did she realize quite how lucky she had gotten. Her key still unlocked her apartment, and all her stuff remained exactly how she had left it. She was sure her lease was up by the time she had made it back to the real world, but thank god she was wrong. (She would find out soon enough that her mother had paid the next 6 months of her lease, desperately hoping her daughter would come home.) Pomni really did collapse once she got into the apartment, and she had crawled her way over to her ratty couch before falling asleep.

She woke up with sunlight streaming in and her stomach absolutely rebelling. She wasn’t sure how long her body actually thought it hadn’t eaten in, but it certainly felt like far too long. The items in her fridge were sparse, and what remained was most definitely spoiled. Pomni wrinkled her nose when shutting the door, and nearly cried out joyfully when she saw an unopened box of cheezits in the pantry.

After scarfing down half the box, Pomni finally had the wherewithal to plug in her phone. When thousands of texts and other notifications jumped out at her, she felt her heart sink. The date read June 26. She had put on that damned headset in November. Seven months. She had been gone a bit more than seven months.

She called her mom. She left and picked up groceries. And after a few days of shellshocked moping, she had cautiously stepped into the building of her old job. They had luckily taken her back on pretty quickly. Pomni was pretty sure they thought she had been kidnapped and just wouldn’t talk about it. Fine by her if it meant she got to keep a solid source of income.
Part of her wondered if the others had gotten so lucky as she had, they were all in the Circus for so much longer and-

A soft knocking came from close to her, and a familiar face peered at her curiously. Pomni’s supervisor, Damien Roth. He was taller than her, though that wasn’t saying much since Pomni (even without her cartoon body) stood at a mighty five foot even. He was decently built, not overly muscular but definitely familiar with the gym. He had very curly blonde hair, dark brown eyes, and a gap in his teeth that made him look simultaneously younger and more approachable.

“Hey Christine, just wanted to let you know Aaron is taking off extra early today. Could you check over his work?”

Right. Christine. That was her name. Her real name. It sat uncomfortably on her chest like a lead weight. It made her sick that it didn’t feel like hers anymore. Nausea bubbled up when she thought about it too much, so she shook her head gently and gave a weary smile to Damien.

“Check over? I mean I don’t know if I’m really as qualified as Aaron is-”

“Aaron likes to talk himself up and punch numbers in wrong.” Damien said wryly, swinging one arm so it flopped over the top of the cubicle as he leaned.

“Well that’s fucking stupid.” Pomni said absentmindedly, before heat rushed to her cheeks.

Shit. No censor- she’d forgotten. Plus that was really unprofessional. Clapping both hands over her mouth in a panic, she gasped out an apology. It wasn’t like she had anything to prove back in the Circus, or like there was any sort of hierarchy, so she had grown so accustomed to just saying exactly what was on her mind.

“I mean- yes of course! I don’t know why I said that I’m sorry I just…” Pomni’s voice trailed off

To her relief, Damien just laughed, leaning further into her workspace.

“Don’t sweat it.” He grinned widely, “Just, if you would check it over it probably would save me a bunch of trouble, and I’m sure you can handle it. Your spreadsheets have been pretty much perfect so far.”

Pomni quirked an eyebrow.

“No it’s actually just because I want to torture you with more work of course.” Damien said, still smiling brilliantly.

“Yeah ok I got it.” Pomni said, smiling a small smile back and flashing a quick thumbs up. Damn. Her time in the Circus really did absolutely nothing for her social skills because she was still awkward as all hell.

“You're the best!” Damien chirped, and then quickly slipped away from the cubicle entrance.

Pomni turned back to her computer, hands once again hovering over the keys as she refocused when she heard a quiet cough. She turned her head slightly, surprised to see Damien once again leaning over.

“Hey and uh, if you wanted, me and a bunch of people are heading to the pub downtown tonight, around 7pm if you want to join us. Just a bit of unofficial team bonding.”

Pomni was caught off guard. She hadn’t exactly been out anywhere since she… got back. She didn’t go out much even before the Circus because she never quite understood social settings that way. After all that’s why she urban explored solo even though she knew that technically all good explorers bring a buddy with them. And she had also never really talked to any of her coworkers, especially since she’d been moved to a different accounting department within the last few weeks, so any awkward and tentative friendships she might’ve had, had all but been reset.
She looked up, realizing Damien must be waiting on her response.

“Uh I’ll…” She considered turning him down, but then paused. Why the hell not? She wasn’t about to stay holed up just at her house and the office for the rest of her life. A tentative, genuine smile graced her lips. “I’ll think about it. Thanks Damien.”

A quick “No problemo! Maybe see you then Christine!” followed by double finger guns was shot her way, and the man was gone again, leaving Pomni to repeat her former attempt at chipping away at her work.

Chapter Text

Pomni quite literally never thought she would see the day where she was ditzy enough to freak out over what she was going to wear. It wasn’t that she was necessarily concerned with impressing anyone; more that she wanted to fit in. Which was already a difficult task for her, but was definitely not improved by the fact that she quite literally hadn’t had to choose her own clothes for seven months. She didn’t exactly need to worry about dressing for work because she had about nine ‘safe’ work outfits that she circulated even before she had her impromptu vacation.

She had already decided she was going to this stupid pub, and for all her anxiety regarding social situations she wasn’t about to back down. Besides, it’s not like she would totally humiliate herself regardless, she more or less knew these people already. Or at least… She knew their faces.

Pomni settled on a simple black turtleneck, one with long sleeves in case the night happened to get cold, over a pair of bootleg denim jeans.Her black combat boots fit snuggly, but they were worn in from her hikes and explorations in them, so it was a comfortable kind of snug. She layered a few pieces of jewelry over her neck, and popped in some earrings, leaving her wrists bare. Things dangling on her wrists tended to make her overstimulated and then, consequently, kind of a nightmare to be around.

After she was dressed, Pomni took a minute to stare at herself in her bathroom mirror. Her natural brown hair was pulled into its signature messy (disaster) bun, which was more like a tuft jutting out the back. As usual, it puffed out with flyaways she couldn’t be bothered to smooth. Her choppy bangs, ones she had taken a pair of kitchen shears to more than once, hung over her forehead. If she let her head droop the right way, the strands fell into her eyes. Pomni vaguely noted that she should probably arrange a new date with the kitchen shears soon. Soft, small pink lips, thin brows a shade darker than her hair, pale skin. Not porcelain pale, she reminded herself as she stared, just regular. Regular I-work-in-an-office-and-barely-see-the-sun type pale. Dark brown eyes absolutely swamped with eye bags and dark circles stared back. Yeesh. Was the fact she had nightmares really that obvious?

After a few more moments of staring, Pomni tore her gaze away from the mirror and stomped over to the doorway, grabbing her keys off the hook and scowling as she slammed the door behind her. For all her looking and confirming, she still could see shorter hair, white skin, and blue and red pinwheel eyes.

…

Pomni knew where the pub in town was. The place where she lived was practically the city, but not far enough in to actually have the foot traffic to warrant more than one bar, so there really was only one place her coworkers could’ve meant. Pomni sat in silence as she drove. Most of the time she liked listening to music, but right now she was feeling weirdly unnerved and didn’t think she could handle the noise.

When was the last time she had gone to a bar? She quite literally couldn’t remember the last time she had been to a ‘real’ one. She supposed that the most recent time was in the circus. They had plenty of ‘bar’ themed adventures. Bar brawl, saloon shoot out, liquor last-man-standing, etc. (Pomni shudders thinking about it. Caine mostly just wanted them to either fight people or schmooze with the NPC’s) The last time she had actually sat down for a drink in company was one of her early adventures.

Even though the alcohol tasted like it was badly watered down and the adventure took about 15 minutes before it got switched, Pomni still couldn’t help but think of it fondly.
Jax was, weirdly, more friendly drunk, and it was funny to see how easily he got there.
Zooble was full of stories, mostly about odd jobs they had worked (Jax laughed harder and harder with each one, until he had tears pricking at his eyes and Zooble had yanked his drink away, declaring him officially cut off.)

Pomni didn’t quite know what to consider the people she met in the Circus. Certainly they were more than just acquaintances, but It’s not like they were hanging out on purpose. She was fond of them, sure, they were all special to her in their own ways. But… It was all so complicated. Did she miss them? Yes. A pathetic part of her needles. They were your friends. The voice whispered.
Pomni wouldn’t be the first, but she certainly wouldn’t be the last to admit she didn’t really have many friends. She was probably just still getting used to being alone again. That was all that was causing these conflicting feelings to war inside her chest. Sure it would be nice to have someone to talk to who knew exactly what she had been through. That was a normal thought. It didn’t mean she missed them. Or that anyone at the Circus was her friend.

These thoughts were still bouncing around her head when she pulled into the parking lot of the pub. A martini glass was lit up over the entry way, next to an equally illuminated sign reading ‘Sloshed.’ Pomni sighed, stuffing her keys and phone into the back of jean pocket after locking the car, and walking briskly into the warm lights of the bar.

She registered where the rest of the group was pretty much immediately. They were the only group larger than four, and they had taken up a full booth plus a moved-over table and chairs, one of which (the one on the corner) Pomni notes is empty. Well. Ok.
She notices Damien is sitting in the seat beside the open one, and smiles a bit at the familiar face.

“Hey Christine! You made it!” Damien says, seeming pleasantly surprised as she pulls out the seat and sits down next to him.

Pomni tries not to shudder. It’s her name. Hers. So why does she feel so uncomfortable with it? She had it for 25 years before the Circus; it's not like it was sprung on her.

“Uh, yeah!” Pomni says, trying for some enthusiasm on only failing somewhat. “Figured this was as good a time as any to meet the people in Accounting Unit A.” She attempts to swing her fist jovially in front of her.

Her motion receives a few polite laughs, but all in all Pomni’s pretty sure she’s the most awkward person to ever walk the fucking planet.
She wishes she could disappear, but only for a moment. Seeming to notice her discomfort, Damien steers the conversation.

“So! Can I interest you in anything to drink? It’s all on me tonight.” Damien says, gesturing around the table.

“Yeah because Mr. Prissypants just got a new promotion so he’s showing off to all of us peasants.” Interjects one of the girls who’s sitting inside the booth, clearly more than a bit tipsy. Pomni can tell that there’s no malice behind the words, as she has a big cheesy grin on her face when she says them.

Pomni feels herself start to say take Damien up on his offer, and begin her order, but remembers her car that she still very much has to get back to her apartment in one chunk.

“No I uh, drove myself. So I’ll just have water.”

“Oh shit, I totally would’ve given you a ride if I knew.” Damien says, and he looks genuinely morose. “I’m the DD tonight, using the company van to tote around these losers.” He jabs a thumb backwards, gesturing at the others.

“Everyone, this is Christine, Christine, everyone.”

Pomni gives a shy wave, and gets varying responses from around the table and booth. One by one, Damien gestures to the assembled group, naming each of Pomni’s coworkers in turn.

“Aaron.” A muscular, heavily tanned man with sharp blue eyes and a bleached buzz cut. “Jules.” A petit woman with milky skin, long blonde hair, hazel eyes, and big blue glasses that match the faded blue stripe in her hair. “Carol.” Freckled skin and pale green eyes with a crisp strawberry blonde bob. “Webster.” A stubby man with square framed glasses and messy brown hair and brown eyes. “Nik.” A dark skinned woman with plaited black hair and shockingly pale blue eyes.

They all seem relatively nice. Sure, Damien is by far the most approachable one, but Pomni starts to feel herself relax as the group devolves into easy chatter.

She hears bits and pieces about Carol’s daughter, Webster’s (who goes by Webby) new DnD campaign, Nik’s ex fiancé. It’s all so ordinary. She doesn’t chime in much, there’s really no need, but Pomni doesn’t feel excluded. It’s almost… nice?

The voices fade into the background as Pomni once again finds herself lost in thought. Thoughts of the Circus mainly. She didn’t quite know how to interact with these people, as nice as they were, because they simply didn’t understand that she was fundamentally different. She had been different before the Circus sure, but now she had gotten to a whole other level of freak. If she wasn’t careful she might say something weird, or bring up something that normal people in normal reality didn’t think was funny or well: normal. She had been with the group for about an hour now, responding regularly when a question was directed towards her, but somehow that fact did nothing to negate her worry.

Pomni fidgeted with the sleeves of her turtleneck, glancing upwards as Damien shook with laughter at something Aaron had said. He rolled his eyes muttering something about Aaron being a gold digging douche before he leaned back in his chair.
Refocusing on the conversation, Pomni leans forwards in her own seat, bracing her elbows against the wooden table.

“Ok but he has a point. Why can you not talk about the details of your promotion anyways?” Jules questions, picking up the drink in front of her and nursing it after she speaks.

“Well it’s not like I can’t talk about it, I'm just supposed to be discreet.” He replies, a coy smile on his face.

Nik rolls her eyes, and unlike Jules, takes a massive chug. She wrinkles her nose, and makes a disgruntled noise, one which Pomni isn’t sure if it’s directed at the beverage or Damien himself.

“Do you think it’s government shit? Like the CIA?” Webby asks conspiratorially, shoving his glasses up his nose. His voice is nasally. It reminds Pomni of a guy she knew in middle school.

Damien just laughs and shakes his head no, his tooth gap visible even in the low light. Pomni can’t help but feel unimpressed. It’s not like any of them are very ‘cool’ for lack of a better word. They are a bunch of young adult accountants, out at a bar on a Friday night, talking about job promotions. She fights off the traitorous part of her brain that tells her this is so boring.
She can’t help the pang that races through her as she misses the lively debates that took place at the one long dining table they sat at in the Circus, discussing whatever insane adventure Caine had cooked up earlier, and speculating would come next.

Her unimpressed look must read on her face, because Damien groans playfully.

“Christine, don't look so disappointed! Just because it’s not the CIA doesn’t mean I’m not still cool.” He teases.

Pomni smirks, partially at the way that statement contradicts the very things she was thinking before. He throws up his hands in mock surrender. It was clear he actually wanted to talk about his promotion, and who was she to stop him? Besides, she was starting to get the tiniest bit curious too.

“Sure.” She replied dryly, reaching over for his water without thinking and drinking from it.

Shit was that rude? It was definitely weird she probably looked like a freak. Too late to back down now. At the Circus everyone just took stuff from wherever they could grab, since half the time the cups in front of them had something poured into them courtesy of a purple rabbit. Damn it had she made things weird?

“Ok, ok fine you win!” Damien laughs boisterously, seeming completely unruffled by her strange display and grabbing the cup right back out of her hands. “Everyone thank Christine because she’s broken me down.”

“Sure took a lot of convincing.” Aaron snarked mildly, being rewarded for his sarcasm with a smack on the back of his head from Carol.

The group fell quiet, aside from the occasional drink or clinking of cups on wooden tables, waiting on Damien to speak.

“Well it’s this new tech company. It’s not, like, a huge secret but they are trying to patent a few more things before it gets out to the public. They’ve been underground for a few years but they are just starting to launch their main product and they need someone to monitor profits and stuff. That would be moi.” Damien said with a flourish. “Ive been looking at some of their margins and I think it’s going to blow up, like this tech is seriously innovative stuff. Plus they’re offering me a huge bonus, like way more than any other business I’ve worked for before.” Damien finishes, pride clear on his features.

Nik lets out a low whistle, the others share approving looks, and Jules even pipes up with a small ‘congrats!’ Pomni smiles a bit at Damien’s enthusiasm. What can she say? His big grin is contagious. She is about to let herself zone out again when she hears Aaron ask another question.

“What’s the company called man, I might wanna invest in some stocks or something if you really think it’s gonna take off.”

“I think that’s like insider trading or some shit.” Carol says with a scoff, earning a groan from Aaron, who immediately starts talking about how that only applies to congressmen, and the two of them start to squabble.

“It’s called C/A. I don’t even know what it stands for yet but that’s what’s on all the paperwork.” Damien replies with a shrug.

That… Fuck that sounded really familiar. Why did that sound familiar? It made Pomni’s stomach curl into a tight ball, resting the pit of her abdomen. Her entire body was yelling that something was not right, but her head just couldn’t quite pinpoint exactly what. Her stomach curled again violently.

She was weirdly extremely frustrated at being unable to identify why C/A was so familiar, and now she was suddenly being hit by waves of nervous nausea. Pomni wanted to slam her hands against the table in frustration. Ever since she had gotten back, she kept feeling like this. It was like when Caine yanked her through the Circus for an adventure, resulting in her ejecting a puddle of black sludge from her fictional stomach. The most annoying part was that it almost always happened in the real world when she was thinking about the Circus too hard, and she almost never did that in public.

Another wave of nausea rolled over her, and Pomni stood shakily, clenching her teeth as her stomach did a flip.

“You ok?” Damien asks, concern written all over his face.

Pomni nods, clenching her lower stomach to try and staunch the feeling.

“Yeah just- probably should start heading home. Don’t want to be out too late and uh yeah… Thanks for inviting me out.” Pomni stammers. What is wrong with her? One second she was sitting normally and the next she was practically doubled over?

Damien smiles at her understandingly (Jesus does this guy ever stop smiling?)

“Of course! Thanks for coming, Christine. And hey uh, you’ve got my number from work right? Text me when you get home safe?”

Pomni is, at this point, too nauseous to continue talking. So she just nods and gives a quick thumbs up before practically bolting out of the pub and over to the grass by her car, where she promptly spills her guts into the greenery.
She swipes a hand over her mouth, wincing at the taste as she gets into her car on trembling legs. For a second she just stares out at nothing, listening to the sound of her own breathing in the quiet of her vehicle.

Then she slams the ignition and drives quickly out of the parking lot, not relaxing one bit as she steers her way towards the direction of her home. She couldn’t shake the wariness she felt so distinctly about the conversation before. C/A. Why the hell did that make her so uncomfortable? And why was Damien supposed to be so secretive about it? It sounded like a normal tech startup ran by some rich hack job with money to spend on a special accountant.
None of this felt right. Absolutely none of it.

The brunette stayed in her car for at least half an hour once she got home. Dead silence enveloped her as she chewed on her lip, trying desperately not to think about absolutely anything. As usual, her brain simply couldn’t shut off and eventually she got fed up, stomping back into her apartment and slumping onto her bed.

Pomni wished she was able to blame her nausea on alcohol and not the nagging suspicion that something was terribly wrong.

…

It’s only in the middle of the night when it finally clicks for Pomni what exactly is so familiar to her about the abbreviation C/A. She, quite frankly, feels rather stupid for not putting it together right away. She wished she could convince herself she was wrong, but knew any efforts that she put in would be fruitless so she just swallows it down and accepts it. Accepts what she knows to be true without any real evidence.

Caine and Abel.

The damned people who made whatever VR nonsense the Circus was. She had seen the letters stamped on the walls of more than one adventure. That’s why it had been so familiar, it had been a repeated motif on fictional walls for over the last half year of her life.

She wasn’t sure what it meant if whatever the company was doing was starting to go public, but if the raw fear pooling in her gut was anything to go by, it could mean absolutely nothing good.

Pomni didn’t fall back into restless sleep for a very long time.

Chapter Text

The whole Circus was glitching. Massive tremors shook the floors and almost sent her tumbling to her knees. The floor cracked, and she could see eyes, giant and multicolored and surrounded by static. Chunks of the cold ground rose sharply, and others dropped, forming jagged edges, some of which were so steep that she had to jump to clear them. The whole foundation was coming apart, and she had never been more terrified in her life. There were voices, and she almost felt they were calling out to her, but they were barely audible over the sound of a record skipping, the ceiling cracking like the floor, and the blaring fear that pulsed in her ears.

She could see the exit. Just like she had on that first damned day, and it stood there at the far side of the room so innocently. She could see bodies standing around it. The figures all glitched, and one of them held the door open, ushering the others in. She swallowed, never stopping her dead sprint towards the exit. With a grunt of exertion, she jumped over a particularly large and uneven gap on the floor, landing precariously. Her heart leapt to her throat as her heels tilted back. She started to propel her arms, trying to regain some semblance of balance and please, please, not fall back into the pits of eyes that threatened to swallow her.
Suddenly, a firm hand gripped one of her arms, tugging her forward securely. She looked up at the tall figure, completely overrun with glitches to the point that not a single feature was discernable. She grabbed onto them, clinging like a lifeline as they both wordlessly kept running forward.

There was only one person left by the door when she looked up, the rest had disappeared through the swirling white mass that she now was close enough to make out. The figure by the door yelled something, and the person she was still gripping onto yelled back. She couldn’t make out any of the words, but she could hear the panic in their voices and she pushed herself to run faster.

20 feet away. Her chest felt like it was going to explode, but she didn’t stop accelerating. 10 feet away. The person at the door disappeared into the white void. 5 feet away. The ceiling cracked right above the door, and suddenly she felt herself being shoved harshly, the comforting grip she had on the other person being torn away as she tumbled directly into the swirl of white beyond the door, finding herself enveloped in its cold embrace, and then fading out of existence.

 

…

It had been two weeks since Pomni’s pub outing, and despite how it ended, she was extremely glad that she had gone. For starters, everyone actually greeted her when she came in now, and more than just politely. The group invited her to lunch with them two of the days that work week, and she quickly accepted. It was more of the same quiet conversation, but there was something nice about listening to completely average people bicker, and it was delightful to feel included. After the first time they went to lunch, where she had ordered her usual coffee, her dynamic with Damien shifted too. She clearly recalled her supervisor's quizzical look as she took the hot cup into her hands, immediately pressing it to her lips and chugging a fourth of it down.

“Coffee? At one in the afternoon? In July?” He had asked, a hint of a laugh in his voice.

Pomni had shrugged, before replying that she was pretty much obsessed with caffeine and was always craving coffee, no matter the day or hour.
After that, Damien had made a point to show up each morning with her order.

The first time, she had been so completely surprised that she just gaped at him for a solid 15 seconds before he pushed the steaming foam cup into her hands and exited her cubicle with a smile.
The next morning, when he had showed up the same as the day before, she thanked him immediately and started pulling out her wallet to reimburse him. He had simply pushed her hand away and grinned, stating that this was the least he could do since she had been checking over all of Aaron’s spreadsheets too.

To be fair, she had been doing that, so Pomni didn’t argue and just graciously accepted the thoughtful gift each morning.

It was Saturday, and after waking up from yet another Circus-themed nightmare at around five in the morning, Pomni had given up on sleeping. After a couple of halfhearted hours of trying to play videogames on her computer, she had hopped in her car and just started to drive. She was not really paying attention to the direction, instead just opting to slam the gas and stare at the passing scenery with eyes that didn’t really process any of it. Worst case scenario she could google maps her way back home.

She once again had no music on, instead opting to listen to the quiet grumbling of tire tread on the road and the whistle of wind through partially open car windows. The scenery changed on occasion as she drove. Small towns and neighborhoods turned into corn fields and cow pastures turned into the beginnings of the limits of the next city over.

She had to have been driving for at least three hours when her phone started to ring.
Keeping one hand on the steering wheel, she delicately picks up her phone, speedily glancing between it and the road as she takes in the contact ID. It’s Damien, and she quickly accepts the call, pressing the phone to her ear as she directs her eyes back to the road.

“Hey Christine! How are you!”

Part of Pomni lights up at hearing his voice, and she’s sure her happiness is reflected in the pitch of her voice as she responds to his greeting with one of her own.

“Hey Damien! Is there something I need to do for work?”

It’s not a bad guess. While they had been texting frequently, and admittedly less and less about work, he had only ever called her about work stuff before. Damien chuckled gently.

“No, no, don’t worry I’m not here to dump even more work on you on the weekend, even if you are stupidly good at it.” Pomni feels her lips quirk up at the compliment, listening intently as he continues. “No I uh, actually wanted to ask you a question but felt like it was more of a call-type question then a text-type question.”

“Ok?” Pomni replied, that small smile still on her face. “Go for it.”

His tone sounded a bit hesitant, almost nervous, but his voice didn’t waver when he spoke.

“I was just wondering if you would want to hang out some time, outside of work.” He asks it casually, but Pomni can hear the glimmer of excitement.

Pomni hadn’t hung out with anyone really. Certainly not since after she had gotten back, and even before the Circus she only had about two friends she still kept in contact with from high school, and neither of them were anywhere nearby. To be honest, she had been feeling rather lonely adjusting to the almost oppressive silence that came with being on her own. It wasn’t necessarily bad, but the unfamiliarity of it was uncomfortable. After all, she had lived with five noisy roommates and one insufferable landlord for the better half of this last year.

“Sure! That sounds fun!” Pomni chirps back.

If she didn’t know better, she could’ve sworn Damien exhaled a tense breath he had been holding as he waited. Before he even had the chance to say anything, Pomni mouth moves faster then her mind and she blurts out,

“How about tomorrow? We can just hang out at my place and watch something online. I'll even let you pick, I know a good pirating site where we can get pretty much anything you can think of.”

To her delight, Damien laughs at her quip, and eagerly agrees. They stay on the phone, chatting about absolutely nothing while Pomni drives. She wasn’t really keeping track of how long they spoke, but she knew it had been a long while, time seeming to pass rapidly. Damien had finally needed to hang up, apologizing and telling her he had an appointment. The silence wasn’t unpleasant, but Pomni couldn’t help but miss the easy noise of her previous conversation. She kept the car rolling, and Pomni noticed she had stumbled upon another smaller town. Though it was definitely a farming town, (she could smell cattle through her open windows), it was also populated more heavily, with generic neighborhoods visible, and the presence of more than a few shops and restaurants. Driving past the numerous fast food places, Pomni feels her stomach growl.

Fuck, how long has it been since she’d eaten? She hadn’t grabbed anything from home that morning and it was nearing the early afternoon. With a sigh, she decided that the next restaurant she saw, she’d just grab something from the drive through and then head home to clean up a bit before Damien came over the next day.

It didn’t take long for her to see another restaurant, and she didn’t even bother to check the name of the place before she pulled into the parking lot. She had pulled to the other end before realizing that this place didn’t even have a drive through. Whatever. She could go inside and stretch her legs; it wasn’t the end of the world.
Her hunger had seemed to explode since she recognized it, and she was feeling rather grouchy despite nothing really going wrong.

She pulled into the parking spot closest to the door a bit faster than was necessary, and winced when she heard her front bumper scrape against the curb. That certainly didn’t help to improve her mood. She turned off the ignition, and took a second to examine her parking job (it was terrible) before she slipped through the glass doors.

Pomni stepped into the restaurant, trying not to be annoyed at the chiming bell that signified her entrance. She glanced around, noting that it seemed to be pretty much deserted. No customers and nobody that she could see behind the counter or in the kitchen. The smell of grease and salt filled the air, and Pomni’s sneakers squeaked on the polished linoleum as she approached the cash register and began to take in the overhead menus.

To her dismay, every item had some weird ass name, and she couldn’t tell what half of them even meant. There were descriptions underneath each of the labels, but they were tiny and she couldn't really read them. She stared harder, squinting to try and make out literally anything that resembled a regular cheeseburger and fries, but the strange names only continued to make absolutely no sense. She had probably been standing for about five minutes before an annoyed scoff broke Pomni out of her concentrated reverie.

“No, no, take your time.” A voice sneers sarcastically from behind the counter. “Not like I have anything better to do.”

Pomni narrows her eyes at him, honing in on his nametag. It’s just a piece of clip-on plastic, with a name scrawled on it messily in what she assumes is the employee's own handwriting. There’s a black scribble in front of the name, like he started to write but spelled it wrong, so the actual writing is shoved onto one side of the tag. It’s barely legible, that’s how bad the writing is, but Pomni can make out the word ‘Felix.’

“Isn’t this your job? You don’t have anything better to do.” Pomni bites back, feeling her bad mood from earlier simmering back up.

“No, I'm just here for fun.” Felix snarks, burying his hands in the hoodie he’s wearing underneath his apron. “And I could be in the back on my phone if you hadn’t so rudely walked in. So please do us both a favor and hurry up.”

Pomni splutters. Who was this jerk? She feels her eyes flit to the back of the kitchen, expecting to see someone else, literally anyone who could tell this guy he was being rude and to leave the poor customers alone, but as she had noted when she walked in, there was nobody. It seemed like the restaurant was completely empty other than the two of them. The whole time he had been talking, he had a giant grin on his face, and his mouth barely moved when he spoke. She held her tongue, fighting back numerous insults as she just glared at the cashier. His cocky expression only seems to grow bigger as she stays silent, and he stares at her expectantly. When she makes no move to either leave or order, he groans loudly and pulls his visor down over his eyes, dramatically, with both hands. She seriously considers punching him in the face.

Instead, she just grumbles a few choice words and spits out her next sentence like if she could put enough venom in it, it would humble this asshole.

“Just pick for me I guess. I don’t know what half this shit even is.”

At that, his smile grows even wider, and a glint of mischief touches his eyes. It's almost uncanny how his teeth take up nearly his whole face. It's unnatural as all hell but Pomni can’t help but think that it suits him. She stares at Felix for a moment, taking in his features. He’s tall, probably more than a foot taller than her, though she can’t tell for sure since he is stooped over the counter and register. She also can’t really see what he’s wearing behind the counter and his apron, but knows it's some kind of dark colored jacket and what she assumes are massive baggy black jeans.

He has naturally dark brown hair peaking out his roots, but the rest of his hair is dyed such a dark shade of brown it's nearly black. It’s thick but not curly at all, and there's a lot of it. His hair hangs down over his thick, dark brows and brushes the tips of his eyes, similar to how Pomni’s own bangs do. His skin is deeply tanned, and more of an olive tone. Two silver spikes rest below his lower lip, and Pomni can make out a few silver pieces in one of his ears as well, but it's mostly obscured by hair. Felix has a sharp nose that's speckled with dark freckles, and long dark lashes frame eyes that practically match the shade of his dyed hair.

His hands, which are still typing in what she assumes is his chosen order for her, are partially wrapped in white bandages, and she can see black nailpolish coating his fingernails. A traitorous part of Pomni finds him kind of attractive, which she quickly staunches with the memory of just how much of a jackass he had been in the literal ten minutes they had interacted.

Pomni blinks a few times, that strange, wide smile still plastered on Felix’s face as he starts punching something into the ordering machine. He was just so weirdly fucking familiar, even though she knew that she definitely wouldn’t have forgotten him if she had met him before.

“Hey do I… know you from somewhere?” Pomni asks tentatively.

She’s still watching him closely, so she notices when he tenses up, freezing for the better part of a second before seeming to come back to himself. He abandons the cash register, instead leaning forward on the service counter on his elbows so he's close to eye level for her.

“Nah. I've kinda been off the grid for a while shortstack.” He says, ignoring how Pomni bristles at the nickname.

Off the grid? She almost laughed at the irony of that: she knew all about being off the grid, but judging by Felix’s busted knuckles, it was probably more to do with legal trouble than anything else. Still, she couldn't help but feel disappointed that he had disregarded the potential of them knowing each other so flippantly. Felix seemed to pick up on this, and Pomni noted that he was strangely perceptive for someone she assumed was exceptionally self absorbed.

“Hey, why the long face? You know there's nothing stopping us from getting to know each other now.” There's something dark and suggestive glinting in his eyes, and Pomni feels her stomach do a flip. She tells herself it's out of repulsion.

“Erm- no thanks.” Pomni says, gritting her teeth at how unconvinced she sounds. She rocks back on her heels and tries not to make any more eye contact with Felix, since for some weird reason, the top of her ears had started to feel warm.

To her dismay, he didn’t go back to finishing up her order, instead opting to rest his hand underneath his chin and stoop lower so he was now looking up at her.

“Oh well, don't be rude.”

Pomni scoffs at that, but if Felix had even noticed, it didn't show.

“Tell me about yourself, gotta know what you're into so I can pick your perfect meal.” He says, gesturing broadly to the menu above him like he’s showcasing something far more impressive than oily fast food.

“Can you just-” She starts to ask him to just get her the damn food so she can leave, but cuts off, knowing full well that either she humored this dick, or left without what she came in for.

She opted for the former, but it was just because she was really hungry. Obviously.

Even so, she made a frustrated sound, struggling to find something menial to tell him, and floundering for a few moments.

“I… ugh I don't know. I used to be into urban exploring.” She finally decided on saying.

Felix makes a noncommittal noise, and Pomni almost feels hurt at his disinterest, until he follows up with a probing; “Used to?”

“Um yeah. I stopped after I- I don’t know, I guess you could say I should've been more cautious what weird shit I messed with. You can wind up in trouble if you're not careful.” She says bitterly, words spilling out almost against her will. Pomni swallows thickly as brightly colored memories flash across her vision before she can will them away.
Felix gives her a long hard stare, still smiling toothily, but his eyes now hold more intensity to them.

“What, like you got arrested?” Felix questions, though he sounds skeptical of even the idea of that as he gives her another look up and down.

“Oh! No no no, just,” Pomni sighs, waving her hands as she tries to come up with a satisfactory answer that doesn't make her sound like a raving lunatic. Finally, she settles with something cryptic. “I guess you could say I went off the grid too.”

“Funny how that works.” Felix says, almost musing to himself.

There's silence between them, and then he slides back to the register, finishing up her order. The final total pops up. $13.57. The machine prompts her to insert her card, which she fishes out of her wallet after pulling it out of her back pocket silently. There's so much weird tension in the air Pomni almost feels like she's going to choke. She debates speaking to break the silence, but Felix beats her to it, looking down at her analytically, though his voice is perfectly even and betrays no real curiosity.

“Say you seem like a fun gal. How do you feel about jesters?”

It's like she's been struck by lightning. The question is so hyperspecific it finally makes the voice (how the hell had she not noticed it sooner?) and the smile click. Her reaction is so instantaneous, and shock rips through her entire body as she reels. She drops her card onto the floor, head jerking up to look at him as every single hair on her arms stood straight up. There was just no way.

“What the fuck? Jax?!” She yelps, the name spilling out before she can let her doubts get the better of her.

It was like he hadn’t really processed exactly what he had been alluding to until she responded to it. His eyes had suddenly blown wide, and for the first time since she had ever known him, Jax had completely lost his composure. The name that slipped from the man’s lips was disgustingly familiar, and she was horrifically relieved to finally hear it out of someone else's mouth. It was barely a whisper, but she would’ve been able to hear the way he murmured from miles away.

“Pomni.”

Chapter Text

They sit across a booth from each other, separated only by three large fries, two massive greasy burgers and two shakes: strawberry and chocolate. Pomni still feels like she can barely breathe. Obviously she knew that her time in the Circus hadn’t been an elaborate dream, but there was something so disorienting about seeing Jax, in flesh and blood, seated only a few feet away from her.

Jax had regained composure with shocking speeds, which Pomni found rather annoying. Clearly he wanted to talk to her, or at least see her, if the meal for two and his presence was anything to go by.

Pomni knew she was staring, but she couldn’t help it. He was so him, for lack of any better descriptor. He was still as cocky and rude as he was back in the Circus, but now there was another level of humanity and gravity to him. She almost felt embarrassed about how she stared at him slack jawed, but by the way his eyes were slightly narrowed and never left her face, she knew he was staring at her too.

Neither of them had spoken since they had sat down a few minutes ago, both electing to eat silently as they kept their eyes firmly glued on each other. Jax was a bit like a black hole when he ate, taking giant bites and fistfuls of fries at a time, and Pomni might’ve laughed if it was anyone but Jax. He suddenly breaks the wordless silence.

“This job sucks ass but at least I get as much fast food as I want.” He punctuates this with another massive bite of his burger.

Was this an olive branch? Was he expecting a casual conversation or did he just want to hear himself talk? She debates for a moment, picking up a single fry as she tries to formulate a response.

“Don’t you get sick of all the grease?” Pomni finally asks, mystified.

Jax barks out a laugh, and answers by swallowing the rest of his meal in one giant chomp.

“Literally anything is better than Bubbles’ cooking. I’ll never take grease for granted again.”

He was right in a way. Food at the Circus was relatively tasteless, like the memory of a food. And it always left Pomni’s mouth buzzing after she ate too much of it. They all ate because it provided some sort of more-natural stimulation, but none of them had particularly enjoyed it. She shrugged her affirmation to the sentiment, and resumed eating alongside him.

“So what are you doing working here if you hate it so much? I never thought I’d see the day you willingly worked customer service.” Pomni asks. She tries to keep her voice neutral, but she is absolutely brimming with curiosity.

Jax bristles ever so slightly, and examines her sharply as if observing for any hint of mockery in her question. When he finds none, he presses his eyes shut and grumbles something unintelligible before resting his chin in one of his hands and resuming his unrelenting eye contact.

“Well it's not like people are exactly jumping to hire me.”

She doesn’t speak, waiting for him to continue. After a moment, she raises an eyebrow, prompting him forward.

“I’ve got a seven year gap of blank space without work experience and no real applicable skills Pom. Nobody is lining up to put me anywhere other than a watchlist.”

Pomni feels her heart thud loudly. He’d been in the Circus for seven years? She swallowed thickly. Obviously she knew he had been in there for awhile but hell, hearing the number felt like she was being gut punched. She always had felt kind of bad for Jax, what with him being on extremely bad terms with pretty much everyone in the Circus (with the exception of her, and that wasn’t saying much.)
She really didn’t want to pity Jax but fuck, thinking about seven years trapped in that digital hellscape nearly sent her spiraling and she didn’t even live it.

“Wait, that would have made you 15 when you-” Her voice was strained.

“Yep.” Jax popped the ‘p’ at the end of the word. “Accidental highschool drop out with a massive gap in his resume. What a life to come back to amiright Pom?”

He says it as though it’s no big deal, as if his life hadn’t been yanked away from him. He said it so casually, but there was an edge to his voice and a glint in his dark eyes that dared her to contradict him. She swallows. Man that was… really shit luck. She felt like she should console him but knowing Jax that would be almost guaranteed to end really badly, so she just kept quiet. Awkward silence lapsed between them again, though Jax seemed frustratingly unruffled.

Still shoveling fries into his mouth with one hand, Jax began fidgeting with her wallet which she had left out on the table.

“So you already know good old me.” He says as he takes a second to tap on the plastic piece that’s clipped to his apron. Now that they are closer together, she can make out the ‘Ja’ that has been scribbled out. “Let’s see who you are Pom.” He flips it open and slips out her drivers license.

He stares at it, and Pomni isn’t sure what exactly he’s looking at other than her unsmiling face in the ID photo, but his gaze never wavers in its intensity. When he speaks again, he doesn’t divert his eyes from the plastic card even slightly.

“Never felt like much of a Felix, even before the whole memory loss nonsense. I tried to pick ‘Jak‘ because I thought it was badass at 15. Caine misheard me.” He rolls his eyes, but doesn’t seem to be annoyed.

After all, he’s had quite awhile to get used to it.

Pomni swallows back another empathetic pang, reminding herself that this guy was responsible for half the torment she and the others went through while Circus. But… sitting in front of him now he seems so human. It’s hard for Pomni to not note the distinct melancholy that lurks faintly behind his dark eyes. Jax stares at the card in his hands for a few seconds before finally meeting Pomni’s eyes again.

“Christine Tullman. Huh.” He seems to consider it for a second. Pomni’s mouth feels like cotton. “I think I'll stick to PomPuff. You look more like a puff than a Christine anyways.”

Pomni isn’t sure whether to feel offended or not, because a large part of her rather agrees with him.

“It scares the hell out of me every time someone calls me Christine.” Pomni blurts.

It’s random but she doesn’t want to lapse into silence again. Jax smiles at her, and there’s a genuineness to it that she rarely sees. She feels something warm in her chest that she squashes as fast as she possibly can.

“Ha! No, I get it. I keep writing the wrong name literally everywhere.” Jax agrees, “Luckily I don’t have to deal with many people using my name in the first place.”

Pomni nods, glancing around the restaurant yet again. She’s lost track of just how long she’s been sitting there, but in the entire time she’s been eating and conversing, not a single person has entered the restaurant. Judging by Jax’s lack of urgency and absence of any glances at the glass doors, this is probably typical for whatever restaurant she stumbled into.

“So this place doesn’t get much traffic?”

Jax shakes his head, shrugging as he grabs his shake and chugs it. She mimics his actions, though she drinks her shake with considerably less fervor. Pomni fidgets a bit uncomfortably, swallowing and trying to find words again.
The conversation had long since passed the point of being awkward, but she didn’t really want it to end. Since Jax hadn’t point blank asked her to get out since the initial time, Pomni assumed he felt the same.

Exhaling lightly, trying to push out some of her anxiety with it, Pomni flicks the straw with one finger. She watches as it vibrates and makes a tiny squeaking noise against the plastic of the cup. She can feel Jax’s eyes on her again, and very much ignores how the intensity makes her stomach flip.

“So.” He speaks, finally. “You stopped urbexing.”

Pomni startles slightly, still getting used to the familiar voice coming from starkly unfamiliar lips. She nods slowly, eyes not leaving the straw of her milkshake.

“Yeah. I was… I don't know. Scared I guess.” Pomni admits.

She fights back a scowl when she can sense the teasing grin once again working its way over the face of the man across from her. Suddenly defensive, she places both hands on the fast food grade table and leans forward. Her eyebrows knit together as she stares into Jax’s dark eyes and grits out the question that had weighed on her for nearly two months.

“What if someone else stumbles on the headset? Mine or any of the other ones.” Pomni asks, and some of her fear leaks into her tone despite her best efforts to seem merely inquisitive.

“They won’t.” Jax replies simply.

“How- How can you know that?” Pomni stammers.

“The headsets are gone. At least mine was. Went back and checked a few days after I left it in the first place.” He says.

There’s a finality to his voice, but Pomni remains unsatisfied. How can he be so sure? Yeah he seemed confident, and rationally there shouldn’t be any way for whatever happened to them to repeat.

But what happened to them wasn’t rational in itself, and Pomni felt a horrible knawing feeling in her chest. She would know if the ‘Circus’ was gone, and everything in her was screaming that it wasn’t. She bit back the crazed rambling that threatened to spill out. Jax didn’t think it was a problem, clearly, and it’s not like anything she could say would convince him otherwise. Especially if her argument was just how awful of a feeling she had about the whole thing. Chewing on her lip, Pomni screwed her eyes shut for a moment before sinking back in her seat, arms folding over her chest as a pathetic attempt at self soothing.

She didn’t believe him, but she didn’t know how to convince him he was wrong. Hell, she didn’t even know why she wanted to convince him he was wrong. She would be happier if Jax was actually right in this case.

“What? Why do you look like that?” Jax suddenly snapped, still smiling but now bristling with somewhat concealed annoyance.

“Like what?” Pomni asks, squinting, mystified.

“Like you're sucking on something sour. The Circus is gone, doll. It was a freak accident that has absolutely no rational explanation for what happened and it doesn’t need a rational explanation for why it’s gone.”

His voice is relaxed and easy, but his body language is anything but. Pomni knows she should just agree and drop it. Jax is usually pretty good at hiding how he feels and if this is an area that riles him up it’s best for her to just agree and change the subject.

“I don't think it's gone.”

Yep. Way to defuse a clearly escalating situation Pomni.

“Look, only one of us has actually gone to check up on the headsets and I'm telling you we don't have to worry about it.” Jax clips out.

Despite the brittleness of his posture, Pomni refuses to back down. Her gut has been telling her that something is terribly wrong and she’s not going to pretend to be assuaged for the benefit of Jax’s weird discomfort with the subject. She doesn’t even know why, but she desperately feels she needs to convince Jax that her worries are valid. Maybe its because he’s the only one who might understand the gravity of the situation. Maybe she just wants someone to listen and not call her deranged.

“Theres- theres a company.” Pomni splutters, gesturing with her hands to try and emphasize her point.

“Oh wow a company.” Jax draws back, and the sarcastic condescension in his voice makes Pomni bristle, but not balk.

“It's called C and A. And it's based nearby I… I think the people that made the Circus are still developing the same tech that sent us there in the first place.

“Uh huh. And you know this how?”

“My coworker he uh, I guess he’s working for them? I Look I don’t really know I just know that it's definitely not just gone away.”

Jax stares at her intently, but doesn’t speak. Pomni licks her lips, feeling strangely self conscious and rocking slightly to try and soothe the discomfort of the intense silence. When it becomes obvious Jax isn’t going to volunteer an opinion of his own, she massages her temples and glares halfheartedly at the table. She feels unnaturally vulnerable, and she isn’t quite sure if it's the nature of their conversation or Jax himself.

“It doesn't feel right. It’s kinda freaking me out.” She admits, peeking up at Jax to see if he has any reaction.

There's a long pause as he seems to sort through his thoughts. Finally, he stretches, lifting his hands far above his head as he extends his lithe frame. Pomni can’t help but roll her eyes at the display of nonchalance, but she can’t help but perk up when his voice finally meets her ears again.

“Why? It’s just tech. There’s no guarantee it's even dangerous. Besides, chances are its probably just a coincidence.”

Pomni looks down at the wrappers of her food. In his own way, Jax was comforting her, though now she feels embarrassed like maybe she overreacted. But then she remembers the panic of her dreams. The months she spent trapped in a cartoon body. The simulated pain that followed with every adventure she had been subjected to. Whatever the Circus was, it wasn’t good. And she didn’t want it getting out into the world. She didn’t want anyone else to experience what she did, not to mention all the abstracted victims had been through.

So instead of letting Jax’s words calm her nerves, she doubles down.

“Think about it: we were trapped in a digital world for months to years. We didn’t need to eat or drink or sleep. We didn't even move. How did our legs work when we got out? How did nobody find any of us? How are we not literally dead?” Pomni questions, growing more intense with each word that spilled out.

“Yikes Pom. Making me feel existential.” Jax replies lazily, punctuating his comment with a poorly concealed yawn.

“Just think about it seriously for half a second would you?”

“You really know how to ruin the mood don’t you.”

Pomni could feel herself starting to get frustrated at his disinterest. She didn’t know why but part of her desperately wanted him to just listen. This was someone who she expected to at the very least comprehend her worries. Maybe she hadn’t expected him to totally agree with or humor her, but she still wasn’t ready for him to outright dismiss her or show such abject boredom on the subject.

“This, what happened to us, is unnatural. What? Do you just want to move on and forget it even happened?” Pomni can’t imagine forgetting the Circus, and she hadn’t even been there as long as Jax had. He would be practically erasing the more formative years of his existence.

He shrugs, looking completely unaffected.
Pomni feels heat boiling in her stomach. This jerk was in there, trapped and watching people slowly lose their minds for a fourth of his life. He had become so convinced of his lack of humanity that he had given up on getting out before it had actually happened. Pomni remembered the few times she had caught him staring out at nothing. The nights when he would duck out of rooms when he thought nobody was watching him and returning with his usual smile, but exuding absolute exhaustion.

Pomni had noticed. Pomni was under absolutely no illusion that the Circus had completely screwed with him, maybe more than anyone else there. Pomni could see right through his feigned nonchalance and guarded smiles. Why is he so goddamn callous?

Something in Pomni’s expression must have bothered Jax, because he piped up all on his own.

“It doesn't have to involve us.” He says.

Pomni meets his eyes, both of them refusing to back down from the unannounced staring contest they had gotten into. Pomni was definitely not willing to back down, even though the back of her neck prickled for a reason she was most definitely not going to think about.

“It already does involve us.” Pomni argues.

Jax stares at her, and because she’s staring she notices his eye twitches. So she pushes.

“Do you even care?”

Jax makes a humming noise, and his expression has smoothed over now so she can’t really tell what he’s thinking.

“Not really.” He finally says, dropping his head into freshly clasped hands and looking up at her through dark lashes.

She pushes again.

“Don't you know that these people, they are the ones who are responsible for all those lost years! You do realize that they are probably the same ones spearheading this company? Jax, how can you possibly not care about that?”

Jax grins again, but there's a tightness to his lips that almost makes it look like he’s baring his teeth. Or snarling.

“Look sweetheart, I’d take any chance I got to get even with the people responsible for the Circus, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna go seeking one out.”

Pomni feels her fists ball up. Why is he being so difficult? He won’t even consider helping her. And she doesn't even know what she wants him to help her with, she just wants him to fucking listen and give her any hint of a sign that he thinks her words have merit. She's grasping at straws when she spits out her next sentence, scrambling for anything that might gain traction within the man sitting across from her.

“Well, what about the others? Don't they deserve to at least know as well?”

She swallows deeply as he flat out laughs in her face.

“What? You think I'm gonna help you hunt them down? Jesus Pom. It was sheer dumb luck you even found me and even you can't possibly be naive enough to think it'll randomly happen again.” He leans in closer, and though his voice has quieted slightly, every word seems to puncture Pomni’s very psyche.

“Besides, I couldn't care less what you think the others deserve. They could all be dead and I wouldn't lose a moment of sleep.”

It takes every ounce of self control Pomni has not to launch herself over the table and throttle him. Instead she chooses to slam her balled fists into the table with far more force than is reasonably necessary. Her voice is positively dripping with venom when she hisses out,

“Are you serious? You're still pulling that fake ‘I don't care about anyone, I’m an emotionless prick who can’t be bothered’ bit you used at the Circus?”

“Not a bit babe. I really, truly couldn't give less of a shit about you or anyone else for that matter.”

It stings. She was expecting it. It fit the Jax she knew pretty much perfectly, but it still really stung. Had she expected the real world to suddenly return his humanity? Maybe a bit. She had never given up on him in the Circus, even after all the absolute bull he put everyone through. Even if she had to try and beat some sense into him more than once. She didn’t know why his obvious defense mechanism was getting to her now of all times. Her eyes felt hot and wet- is she about to fucking cry?

“Fuck you Jax. It's obvious being out of the Circus hasn't changed you for shit.” Pomni bites out, trying desperately to back the furious dampness that threatens to spill over her face.

He shrugs, and she stands up jerkily. She grabs her wallet off the table before stalking forward towards the glass doors. She's hurt and angry and she doesn’t know why she let Jax get under her skin but he did and she just needs to get away. Out of the corner of her eye she sees him recline into the booth and wave lazily behind him.

“See you Pom.”

Steam is practically pouring out her ears, and she slams the door as hard as she can on her way out. Fuck Jax. Lying dick. Fuck him.
She tries not to claw her ears off at the joyful tinkling of the door bell as she makes a beeline for her car and drives away.

Chapter Text

Pomni tugs at the bags under her eyes with two fingers. The dark circles had only seemed to become more stark against her pale skin in the last 12 hours. She looked exhausted. It wasn’t like she had been particularly good at sleeping before the Circus, but now she was especially terrible at it. It was like she either fell asleep and had nightmares about eyes and panicked shouting, or she forgot she actually needed to sleep now in order to stay functional and healthy. Last night had been a combination of the two, but with the added inconvenience of the fact she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Jax.

She had calmed down a bit since she stormed out, and had gotten to the point where she was just rather annoyed about the whole interaction. Of course Jax wasn’t going to find their old group. She shouldn’t have been upset or surprised by that. Sure, it would’ve been nice if Jax had experienced some sort of character development in the two months since he had been back in the real world. It's not like she was going to pretend that it wouldn’t have been great if he acted like less of a prick, but it wasn’t like Pomni was naive. She knew that Jax was struggling, probably more than she was, so she decided to cut him some slack.

Not that she forgave him for literally anything, but she definitely didn’t hate him.

Plus, she knew where he worked now so she could just track him down again if she wanted to see him, or felt like she could bother him until he helped her out, if only to just get her to leave him alone.

She had laid in bed, wide awake and running her hands along her own skin, taking in the sensation and reminded herself that she was human. She had stared at her own body in the mirror long enough that she could picture every freckle and divot. It was her way of reassuring herself that she wasn’t… whatever she had been in the Circus. As she self soothed, she had tried and failed to get Jax out of her head. Putting a real life face to a real life name had stuck with her, though she didn’t think she would ever call him Felix.

His eyes seemed to be burned into her retinas, even though there were only a few times she actually made full eye contact with him. They were dark and impossibly deep and expressive. They gave away his emotions more than his ears ever did, and that was saying something. She remembered the bandages wrapped around his hands, the metal in his lips and ears. His voice had seemed fuller when he spoke. He was as human as she was and that thought nearly sent her spiraling, but it gave her comfort. She hadn’t made it all up. She wasn’t crazy. She was real.

At some point in the night, Pomni had officially decided that she was going to search for the others.

Whether it was for closure or because she maybe, just a tiny bit, missed them, she wasn’t really ready to unpack. She wasn’t naive, she knew that they could be anywhere around the globe, and stumbling on Jax in the first place was certainly a one in many millions chance. Pomni assumed that everyone had made it out if Jax and her both did. The alternative to that made her stomach feel kind of sick, so she refused to consider it. She had made up her mind though: she was finding them. All of them.

If only she had some idea on where to start.

With a loud sigh that punctured the silence of her bathroom, Pomni flipped around. Dragging her gaze off of her own reflection, she took a few steps towards her shower and cranked the handle to highest heat. As she stepped out her clothes and into the scalding water, she grit her teeth. She liked hot showers because they made it easier to relax, and made it harder for heavy thoughts to rattle in her brain. This time however, not even the steaming heat could muffle the pinging thoughts in her mind. She was thinking about Jax again. She didn’t want to, it was getting rather annoying how much he was invading her thoughts.

Pomni couldn't imagine what it was like for him. Seven years of his life had been stolen. She had been able to get back on her feet relatively quickly, but seven years was not something that could be played off as a ‘spontaneous trip’ or no big deal. He had a job at the fast food place now, but who knew how long it took him to get that. Did he have any family that was helping him out? She doubted he had any money saved up, she definitely didn’t at 15. She knew he probably wasn’t ok, neither was she after the whole experience, but she couldn’t get out the idea that he was really not ok.

She groaned loudly. Why was she so concerned about Jax’s wellbeing? Sure she had empathy but it was getting to a point where she couldn’t justify it as normal human care. Pomni buried her face in her hands, hunching over slightly as she massaged her temples with vigor. The water traced heated tracks down her back, and her hair hung in a sopping curtain that had fallen forward to frame her face.

Jax was a douchebag. They had been at arms length at the Circus. Time after time they would have bonding moments and then he would draw back. Though they never argued as seriously as the very first time, she had swung at him more than a few times. He had been out of reality for so long he had stopped believing in his own humanity. She had never pushed him on that, but knew there was far more to his detachment than simply thinking he was a character archetype. He had tormented people in the Circus and was still adamant with the fact he cared about no one. And now, back in reality, he was working a job he clearly hated and he hadn’t immediately turned her away when they recognized each other. She had never felt more conflicted on how she felt about someone in her life. Part of her felt unbelievably sorry for him, and another part wanted to drive right back to the restaurant and punch his teeth in.

The Circus hadn’t done any favors for Pomni’s temper. In high school, she had gotten in her fair share of fights. She tried to be put together but she had a streak in her. She had called it evil once, but really it was just letting down the mask she had to put up in company. Jax actually had understood that, which pissed her off to no end.
She had taken hits and thrown plenty of her own, but in a jester body with cartoon logic and no permanent injuries she had gotten used to physical resolutions to her problems. She probably couldn’t get away with choking sense into Jax again, but she wanted to.

Nobody aggravated her quite as much as Jax did. The purple rabbit might have just had years of practice being a jerk, but that didn’t offer her any solace. He seemed to have a special knack for enraging Pomni herself.

Maybe he was just good at provoking people. But maybe there was more to it. So what if a teeny, tiny part of Pomni really did like when he called her cool. So what if she sort of admired him when he wasn’t being a total ass, and it was flattering the few and far between times that he seemed to enjoy her company. Whenever he smiled at her genuinely, it felt great. It made her feel like she actually had substance and value. It made her feel excited. She screwed her eyes shut. It’s not like it meant anything, Jax just didn’t give out compliments often, so they were flattering and meant more when he did. Sue her.

Scowling at the fact she was actively justifying not despising him, she pumped shampoo into her outstretched hand a bit more aggressively than was probably necessary. The rest of her shower was made up of harsh movements and repetitive scrubbing as she very pointedly did not think about Jax or his smile or his condescending words or his dark eyes.

She stepped out of the shower, toweled off, and tugged on sweatpants and a big t-shirt, knotting her hair up without bothering to let it dry.

She could find the others without Jax, and she could enjoy her evening with Damien without thinking about anything Circus related. Turning on a podcast, she traveled through her apartment, picking up small things she had left out and tidying things as she moved along.

Her apartment was modest, but definitely nice. Pomni always had liked having her own space, and with her job she could afford it. It was made up of a small kitchen complete with a stove, fridge, oven, and microwave surrounded by cabinets. An island with a sink in the center, and four barstools tucked underneath. Across from the kitchen was her tiny living room. She had her flatscreen TV mounted across from the pullout couch, which almost always stayed in the closed position.
A hallway branched off from between the living room and kitchen, which led to the half bathroom and then her own room, which had a full sized bathroom inside. She didn’t have much on the walls; a few art pieces that her mom had insisted she hung up to make it more homey was the only thing decorated the space. She had considered adding a few plants around because she liked how they looked, but remembered that the last time she had bought succulents she had managed to kill them within two weeks.

There really wasn’t much to clean up around the house. Pomni mostly spent her time at home gaming or staring off into space, and hadn’t worked on any projects since she got back. Additionally she ordered take out almost every day other than the rare occasion she ate inside restaurants. She washed the very few dishes that rested in her sink, loaded them in the dishwasher, and then looked around.

It was clean. Simple. Perfectly boring and average and probably just how anyone who met ‘Christine’ would assume she kept her apartment. After everything she had been through, she was still an accountant for a supermarket and a few others. Her life reflected everything she had been before, and now the only thing that seemed out of place was her own self. Pomni tried not to let that bother her.

She paused the podcast, checking the time on her phone. It was midafternoon, still a few more hours until Damien would show up. Pomni quickly glanced at her kitchen. Maybe she could bake something? It had been a long time since she had actually cooked. She could barely handle stovetop instant ramen, much less an actual baked good. She remembered when she had tried to make cookies for a family event a few months before the Circus. It had ended with a pan full of a crystallized-liquid mass of sugar and vanilla, which had also bubbled over, and she had been forced into chiseling burnt cookies off her oven for a few hours. Needless to say she had shown up empty handed, which surprised neither of her parents as they were very familiar with their daughters cooking prowess. Which was to say, absolutely none. So maybe not baking.

She finally settled on grabbing her computer, slumping into bed, and playing first person shooter games, screaming at people through her headphones. Time passed quickly like that, and she lost herself in the repetitive motions and occasional ‘WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? FUCKING TWAT.’ Eventually, the doorbell rang. Pomni tried not to let a small smile stretch over her face, but her excitement was palpable. This was the first time she had officially hung out with anyone one-on-one since getting back, and she had to admit Damien was pleasant company.

Hurriedly tucking her device away, she made her way to the front door. When she opened it, Damien stood there holding two pizzas and a bag of powdered donuts, two styrofoam cups balanced on top of the pizza box. He gave her a charming smile and tilted his head ever so slightly in greeting.

“I brought snacks!”

Pomni couldn’t help but smile then, gesturing for him to follow her into the living room and set the food on the island. Absent-mindedly, she glanced around her apartment again. So what it wasn't brightly colored and saturated like her other room was? That was good. That was normal and just because she wanted to find the people with common experiences didn’t mean she was against normal. She ignored the fact that her own internal voice sounded unconvincing, and reached for her coffee, thanking Damien with a soft look.

You know what- screw Jax. And screw the Circus. Pomni was so tired of thinking about it. So screw it. She was going to have a good night and she was going to enjoy her time with her friend and pretend like nothing insane had ever happened to her at all.
After she could look into finding the others. But not tonight. Tonight was just going to be about her. She was going to make the best of her life in the real world. She tried to ignore the part of her that tacked on ‘even if it was rather dull.’

Pomni stood up, making her way over to the couch with a box of the pizza and her coffee still in one hand. She sat heavily, and then patted the spot next to her gently. In the warm apartment lighting, Damien’s curls looked a bit like a fuzzy halo.

“Come on. I'll let you pick the movie.”