Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Silvery threads of moonlight cast down upon the Wilderness as the Moon kept its nightly vigil. The usual calm and placid darkness hungered. The wind swept through the trees, rustling their branches to a dull, steady roar. The animals were finishing their preparation for winter; a chill tinted the air. Still, the Wilderness was an unruly force. Feet pounded against the earth in quick succession, snapping twigs and leaving deep tracks in the dirt. 

There was a hunt afoot, and the Moon bore witness to it. 

The girls stalked through the trees, yipping, growling, and cawing. They moved as one against their prey—a team. There was a singular howl among the pack, one that was louder, more guttural, truer than the others. A beast waiting just beneath the skin if something were only to curate it. 

The Moon heard the call and turned its gaze.

The hunt was interrupted, but the damage had already been done. One by one the girls found their sleep, until She came to rest in a clearing bathed in moonlight. So much turmoil within and nowhere for it to go. 

As the Wilderness rooted around them, the Moon bestowed its gift to the one who had called out for it. 

———————————

The door slammed upon Jackie’s departure, shaking the frame of the cabin a little as it echoed against the wood. The crackling fire and Shauna’s breathing were the only audible things in the wake of the slam. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her, but her gaze didn't leave the door. 

She had finally done it. She had finally told Jackie all of the things that had been bubbling inside her for so long. She had been ruthless, and it had felt good . It was like she could breathe for the first time in years without worrying if Jackie needed the air first. 

Shauna lifted her arm, wiping her tears away on the sleeve of her flannel, and marched toward the pantry. She left her dinner behind, and nobody stopped her. She clambered up into the attic. The space that she shared with Tai. Her space. The only space she had without Jackie. Until Jackie infiltrated it like she always did—stealing Shauna’s journal like it was something she was owed.  

She took and she read and she shared what wasn’t hers to share. She made Shauna announce her pregnancy in front of everyone, and then made the unfortunate father apparent to their entire team. Everything was on her terms. Acting like she didn’t understand why Shauna did what she did even after she dragged Travis off last night while looking at her like that. 

Blood simmered beneath her skin as she seethed. She couldn’t believe Jackie. She couldn’t even have thoughts to herself without Jackie taking those too. Jackie needed everything to be—

Shauna winced at the sudden, sharp pain in her hands. She unclenched her fists, hissing as the crescent mark cuts from nails digging into her palm stung against the open air. Shaking her hands out for a moment to ease the pain, she crossed her arms instead. 

Shauna paced the attic as her thoughts ran. Of course Jackie would act the martyr about this. As if she’d been blind to the control she had over Shauna for their entire lives—and now Shauna was the bad guy. 

Shauna’s thoughts jumbled and double-backed and contradicted, weaving themselves into the knots she felt in her stomach. She knew she was someone greater than this. I don’t even know who you are anymore. She didn’t belong to Jackie anymore. She didn’t belong to anyone. She was her own person. She was—

Her stomach fluttered, breaking through the haze of her frenzied thoughts. Her hands dropped down to her stomach, fingers clenching as her nails dug into her shirt. It had moved. Just under the skin, as if reminding her just how wrong she was. Her hands fisted into her shirt, twisting over her stomach until the fabric threatened to rip. 

She could hear her blood pumping through her body. If she closed her eyes she might have been able to convince herself she was at the shore. But just as she tried to concentrate on the sound, her ear drums rumbling with inner thunder, a softer sound became apparent. Light, fast, and steady, like a distant train approaching ever closer while she was still tied down to the tracks. 

The creaking of the ladder interrupted her spiral, Shauna’s hands snapped back to their crossed position. Tai’s head peeked up through the opening. She looked Shauna up and down, opened her mouth to say something, then hesitated. Whatever she had decided on, she sighed and placed the bowl of Shauna’s unfinished dinner to the side of the opening. 

“You still need to eat,” she said softly. Shauna glanced at the bowl, then toward the window in the attic. Jackie hadn’t eaten . The thought came unbidden. “Shauna, c’mon.” 

Tai grabbed the bowl again and lifted it up to Shauna. She hesitated for only a moment before the hunger won out. She grabbed the bowl from Tai, whose shoulders sagged in relief. Shauna hadn’t even realized that she’d come prepared for a fight until she had relaxed. Taissa nodded, though Shauna couldn’t tell if it was to her or herself. 

Holding the bowl to herself, Shauna watched as Taissa thought about something again. “I’ll be downstairs if you need anything.” Whatever it was, she had decided against it. 

As Tai descended back down the ladder, Shauna looked into the bowl. It was a sad excuse for a stew, but there was meat. Fresh meat—something they hadn’t had in weeks . Shauna knew she was hungry. They were all hungry. But the ravenousness with which she tore into the meat was unmatched by her previous hunger. She was barely able to swallow fast enough as she devoured the paltry meal.

All too soon she was finished, staring down into that empty bowl. Still hungry. That emptiness that she could never quite fill—still there. Always there. Always reminding her that it wasn’t enough. That she wasn’t enough. 

It had been there for as long as she could remember. 

It was there when her dad left. It was there when her mom couldn’t make it to a game because she was working a double. It was there when Jackie started to make friends other than her in middle school. It was there when Jackie started dating Jeff. It was there when Jackie stopped kissing her. It was there even after she tried to fill it with Jeff. It was there when she couldn’t go through with the abortion. It was there last night. 

Even as something intense and thrilling warmed within her, it was there. Something had settled in her when she had woken up that morning. Maybe it had been a result of the mushrooms, but there was an agitation, a thrumming in her now that she was unable to push back or ignore any longer. 

In all of their previous fights, Shauna had never been as cutthroat as that. Even when Jackie looked at her with such derision and disgust, Shauna couldn’t stop. Even when Jackie looked at her with heartbreak and betrayal, Shauna couldn’t stop. Even when Jackie looked back at her, trying to get in the last words, Shauna couldn’t stop. 

It had been exhilarating, having that power. In the moment, ousting her best friend and captain in front of their entire team had been the most powerful she’d ever felt. She didn’t dwell on the look on Jackie’s face. She didn’t dwell on the crack in her voice before she left the cabin.

But now staring down at that bowl, the exhilaration left, leaving only the guilt regret heartbreak anger behind. Shauna gripped the bowl tightly and stomped down the ladder. 

All eyes were on her once more. It wasn’t a feeling she was used to. She was used to being right next to it—unnoticed and adjacent. They felt like t-pins. Like their gazes were dissecting, peeling back her skin, and holding her open for the group to view. 

She hated it. 

No one spoke as she trudged through the cabin, dropping her empty bowl in the kitchen. She didn’t look at anyone, just turned on her heel to make her way but up to the attic. Except—

Except she caught the window in the corner of her eye. She stopped, her gaze turning to see Jackie’s hunched, pathetic form trying to start a fire. She’ll never survive out there on her own . Something within Shauna said. Out here, she’s nothing without you. And then, an afterthought, something raw and unwanted. Just like you’re nothing without her . 

The thought stung. Shauna turned away, and made her way back up to the attic. 

Shauna resumed her pacing, suddenly feeling like a caged animal in her own space. Usually, she felt some fucked up sort of comfort being in the attic; in a roundabout way it reminded her of home. But something had her agitated, her body simply couldn’t come to rest. So she kept pacing, desperate to get this burning energy out from within her.

At some point, Tai made her way up to the attic to start getting ready for bed. The sun had finally set, which only highlighted the soft glow emanating through the window. The burning she had been feeling in her veins suddenly balmed by the moonlight peeking through the clouds. Shauna gazed down through the small window at Jackie wrapped in a blanket and huddled in front of her meager fire. 

“Just go talk to her,” Tai offered softly, like she knew something Shauna didn't. 

Shauna shook her head because she knew exactly how that would go. She would go down there and apologize and grovel and nothing would change. Jackie could come to her for once. She retreated to her bedding, and slipped under the covers without another word. Closing her eyes, she willed sleep to come quickly. 

———————————

Snow drifted slowly from the sky, dotting Shauna’s hair in white, sticking to her eyelashes. A thin layer had accumulated on the ground in the clearing. The forest had parted here, forming a perfect circle, bathed in moonlight.

Shauna looked around. Something was missing. She felt the sensation with her entire being. Something was missing. Tilting her head back, she gazed up at the moon, large and looming. It watched her back, waiting. Something shifted beneath her skin. It pressed up against her, vying for attention, distending her insides and protruding her skin. Her hand moved to cradle her stomach, reminded of her mistake as it kicked out against her hand. 

Shauna doubled over, gasping in pain. 

Hunched over, it suddenly became apparent that the baby hadn’t been what Shauna had felt. Something shifted beneath her chest, and it burned . It itched and it burned and it scratched . 

And then Shauna was scratching. 

She was scratching and scratching and scratching , desperately trying to ease the ache—the itch . Anything to relieve that awful feeling. Her shirt ripped, and she frantically tore it open, not wasting a single second to get back to her skin. Her sternum reddened as her fingers scraped, until finally there was progress. Skin collected under her fingernails, and her fingertips stained red as blood began dripping down her chest. 

She worked through layer by layer.

The epidermis wedged under her fingernails,wedging itself into her cuticles as she went deeper.

Not long after the dermis peeled away too, blood flowed more steadily then, as the blood vessels were scratched open. 

She dug through the adipose tissue in the hyperdermis, scooping the puss like layer from her path until she met muscle. 

Her fingers planted themselves between the fibers tearing until there was enough to grip, peeling herself open just like the meat she butchered for better access. Now, with more room to work she dug in, peeling back layer after layer of muscle and sinew until her ribs touch the night air. 

Her hands were well and truly coated in a deep, viscous red, accented with fat and puss, dripping into the snow. It all shone in the moonlight, reflecting the beautiful, silvery streams. 

It still wasn’t enough, though.

Her nails scraped against her exposed sternum, scratching against it like wood, grooves working their way into the bone. She was getting closer. She was almost there. Hunched over, it didn’t even feel like her who was growling and grunting, saliva bubbling and building at the edges of her mouth like some rabid beast. 

Amongst the noise there was a crack, a horrible, blissful crack, and then a sharp stinging in her fingertips. Shauna stared down at her hand with heaving breaths to see claws pierced into her finger tips. Her eyes followed the claws to the elongated, wolf-like paw they were attached to which extended from her now exposed heart. Shauna wiggled her fingers. The claws wiggled back, digging further into her fingertips. She sighed in relief, her head tilting back—finally she had reached it. As she continued to scratch, the claws dug deeper and deeper, peeling everything that wasn’t her away. 

She pushed at the ribs—nothing more than a cage to bind her—to make more room for her other paw. Reaching up, digging her claws into the top of her husk, Shauna peeled , sloughing off the unnecessary casing like a matured pupa. Viscera stretched from her deep brown fur, mixing with saliva, dripping from between her canines, as her snout fully formed. 

Her top half finally free, she growled, the moonlight buzzing against her form, encouraging, but there was that kick again. Shauna looked down with a snarl at the bump on a body that wasn’t hers. She slid her claws down her chest, to her gut and carved. She scooped down into the skin absent of fur—elongated paw, working along the things she didn’t need anymore—until she felt something puncture. Until she gripped the protrusion from the inside and ripped it from her form. The guts from her husk slaked off her furred form, some still hanging from the skin wrapped around her legs, swaying in the moonlight.

Stepping one large hind leg out at a time, nails shredding the remains of the human cocoon, she stood off to the side. Steam rose off of her heaving body into the cold night air. With nothing left to hold it together, the bottom half of her husk toppled over, the snow underneath it dyeing a deep crimson. 

Something inside of it still kicked out against the skin, but that wasn’t her. She stretched out under the moonlight in the middle of the clearing, feeling right for the first time in so long.  Her snout lifted to the sky. She took a deep breath, her torso expanding as much as it desired, and howled. Full and free and booming. 

It echoed against the trees, her greeting to the moon, but when she took another breath to howl once more, a scent in the air caught her attention. Smoke. Honeysuckle. Her head snapped westward, staring at the pines as if they had answers. 

Her large form darted off in that direction, loping through the snow on all fours, leaving behind the bloody remains of her metamorphosis. 

Something in her recognized her surroundings, recognized the scent she was headed towards. Home, it said, Safety . The trees started to thin, and a cabin came into view. Two forms in front of a fire. Familiar, but intangible to her in that moment. The scent was coming from there. She came to a halt right at the tree line, crouching low.

One form was standing while the other was huddled in front of the fire. The standing form reached out. The huddled form grabbed the offered hand and stood. The two figures turned to head back into the cabin, and Shauna finally recognized her shell in the moonlight. Her shell and home. Her shell and Jackie , something in her supplied. 

That wasn’t her. Jackie was being led away by something that wasn’t her . Shauna’s hackles raised, and a growl rumbled low in her throat as the cabin door shut behind them. She stalked toward the cabin, peering in through the window once she was close enough. Jackie was inside surrounded by husks, facades. 

Dread settled low in Shauna’s core at the scene. It all felt wrong—dangerous. Something was lurking at the edges, hiding, and Shauna didn’t like it. She threw her body against the door. She rammed into it again and again, snarling and clawing until the wood creaked, and cracked, and splintered—

————————————

Shauna shot up with a gasp. She palmed at her chest, grabbing her shirt. The dream had been intense, more so than any of the birth dreams she had had before, but it had been freeing . She pulled her shirt away from her chest; it all felt so tight and constricting. She held it away from herself as she caught her breath, noticing for the first time the chill in the hair. Her breath was visible as she stood and gazed out the window. 

Snow blanketed the ground, covering the dirt they had slept on the night before, hiding the logs placed around the fire, making them indistinguishable lumps where—

Shauna’s heart plummeted from her chest digging itself deep within her guts. “ No.” She gasped. 

There were no thoughts in her mind as she sprinted from the attic, only fear and instinct. 

“No, no no no.” She dropped to the ground when she was halfway down the ladder, uncaring of who she woke up.  She trampled through the girls curled up, sleeping. As she threw the cabin door open, the cold rushed in and Shauna squinted against the whiteout of the early morning sun reflecting off of the snow. 

“ Jackie ?” Shauna mumbled, pushing her body toward the lump in the snow where Jackie had been last night. She stumbled through the snow, falling to her knees against the mound, and frantically cleared the snow off of Jackie’s form. “No no no no no —Jackie!” 

She grasped Jackie’s jacket, shaking it, then pulling her onto her lap and curling around her. “Jackie, wake up!” She was so blue. So still. Jackie was hardly ever still. She always fidgeted—had since they were little. Shauna was always the still one between them. But now Jackie was frozen, and Shauna was rocking them both. “Jackie, please .” 

Hands grabbed at Shauna, trying to pull her away, but she fought them off. She threw elbow after elbow until the hands finally retreated. Curling further around Jackie, she laid her head against her chest, trying to listen past her own shuddering sobs and wails. 

Silence.  

There was nothing. There was nothing. There was—

A flutter. Barely the flinching of the muscle, not nearly enough to circulate blood. It should have been impossible to hear, but Shauna had. “She’s alive,” Shauna whimpered against Jackie’s shirt through the snot and tears. 

“Shauna…” A hesitant voice finally registered. Tai.  

In one movement, Shauna scooped her arms under Jackie and lifted, the action surprisingly easy. “She’s alive.” Shauna said louder, resolute. She didn’t wait for a reaction as she shouldered her way back inside, collapsing to her knees by the fire. If it hurt her she didn’t register it in the moment; her entire body was buzzing. 

That seemed to finally kickstart the rest of the team. Shauna heard scrambled movement and shouted orders, but she could only focus on the blue tint of Jackie’s lips. On the last thing they had said to one another. 

I don’t even know who you are anymore . 

Shauna tugged Jackie’s jacket off, throwing it across the room. It hit something with a wet slap, but she was already pulling off Jackie’s shirt. That was tossed aside too, before Shauna peeled off her jeans. 

Lying there in just her underwear, Shauna could see the outline of Jackie’s ribs. She looked so small…a ghost of the vibrant girl that once was. Shauna’s fingers lightly traced against the bones before she placed her palm against Jackie’s sternum. The barest of movements twitched against the pads of Shauna’s fingers, tickling the nerve endings on her fingerprints. The warmth seeped from Shauna’s palm, and Shauna silently urged Jackie to take more. 

“She needs body warmth!” Misty urged from over her shoulder, and Shauna clenched her teeth, almost baring them as something thrashed in her chest. I know that! Shauna wanted to yell back, but her throat tightened around the words, unable to speak. However, when Misty moved closer, Shauna was quick to shove her right back. 

Shauna threw off her clothes, freeing herself from their binds, and wrapped herself around Jackie, cocooning her with her body. Blankets immediately fell on top of them, layers upon layers, but she didn’t take her eyes off Jackie once. Shauna rested her forehead against Jackie’s temple. Her nose pushed into Jackie’s cheek. She molded them together as closely as possibly, and did her best to ignore the bump of her stomach that was coming between them—that had changed the way they fit together. 

I don’t even know who you are anymore . She wasn’t sure that time if the thought had come from Jackie or herself. 

People tried to talk to her, but everything except Jackie’s weak heartbeat was muffled. Her ears were tuned into it, distinguishing it from the two heartbeats coming from her own body. Even weak, Shauna knew that it was Jackie’s. 

Jackie was still too cold. “I’ll keep you warm, Jax. I’ll keep you warm. You’re okay. You’re okay.” She croaked over and over against Jackie’s forehead, pressing her lips there repeatedly. Her throat only letting her expend the effort to talk to Jackie, any other use would be a waste. Her arms rubbed frantically against Jackie’s limbs, encouraging the blood back to them. 

If Shauna could take Jackie into her own body—she would. Anything to make sure Jackie would be warm again. Anything to make sure those weren’t their last words to each other. 

I don’t even know who you are anymore. Or maybe you never did.

Who was she?

Shauna tightened her grip on Jackie, frozen after Shauna had kicked her out, pulling her directly against her protruding stomach, a baby she didn’t want from a boy she hated more than liked. Something roiled and twisted within her, as she began her vigil over Jackie.

Who was she? 

Chapter Text

Shauna didn’t sleep. She remained wrapped around Jackie in front of the fire, completely focused on her heart beat. She didn’t know how many hours had passed, but Jackie was fully bathed in light now. Color had slowly but surely started to return to Jackie’s face, everything flushing red as the blood seeped back, but some extremities were still purple. 

Footsteps had approached them a few times, but Shauna did not react to them. Her singular focus was on the body cradled in her arms. 

She didn’t move at all until Jackie began moving—her entire body started convulsing with intense shivering. “Jackie?” Shauna’s voice cracked, alarmed at the sudden change. 

The room came alive around them again, and feet came into Shauna’s view behind Jackie’s head. She glanced up quickly, glaring at Misty. “Back off.” Shauna practically growled, some kind of noise coming from the back of her throat behind the words. 

A hand appeared, pushing Misty aside, and then Tai was squatting there in front of the fire. “Shauna, you need to let Misty look at Jackie. You know she’s the closest thing we have to a medical professional out here.” Shauna shook her head, clutching Jackie’s shivering body closer to her. 

“If you don’t let Misty look at Jackie, she could still die.” Tai said sternly—not quite a yell, but to Shauna it was earth-shattering. She sobbed once, then swallowed it with a whimper. Jackie could still die. 

“Fine,” she mumbled, nodding. Tai sighed in relief, then motioned Misty back over. Misty immediately fell to her knees next to Jackie, checking her pulse while looking at her plastic lizard watch. 

“Hey,” Tai had moved around to Shauna’s side, nudging her slightly. “Why don’t we go get food and clothes for you and Jackie?”

Shauna didn't take her eyes off of Misty’s examination of Jackie. “Jackie can have my portion.” 

“You can’t do that, Shauna…the baby needs you to eat.” 

Shauna’s eyes clenched shut at the sentence. If she didn’t want to eat, she didn’t want to eat. She should eat because she wanted to, not because something else in her needed the sustenance. Jackie needed it too. Still, her stomach grumbled and panged enough for Shauna to agree in the moment. 

Reluctantly, Shauna got up, watching Misty warily as she hovered over Jackie. Pulling her sweats back on, she allowed Taissa to herd her over to the table and force a bowl of bear stew into her hands. Shauna ate the stew, staring at Jackie’s shaking form the entire time. She knew the others were there in the cabin, but they all blurred in the background, out-of-focus. 

When she finished, she pushed the bowl away from her. Tai’s hand fell back onto her shoulder. 

“The faster we go get clothes, the faster you can be back with her,” Tai mumbled next to her. Shauna nodded absentmindedly and stood. She made her way to the pantry, Tai guiding each step. 

“Sure, we’ll just clean up after you,” Mari’s voice felt distant to Shauna, muffled. There was a shuffle of movement and a grunt. “Ow. I’m just saying.” 

The only thing Shauna could focus on were the floorboards in front of her and Jackie’s slowly strengthening pulse, drumming in her ear. One foot in front of the other, again and again, until she climbed the ladder. 

She barely even considered what she changed into. It was some shirt and another pair of sweats, but she made sure to grab Jackie’s favorite flannel of hers and her softest pair of sweatpants. They were a little long for Jackie and usually bunched up around her ankles, but they were warm. 

Gripping them tightly in her fist, Shauna made her way back down the stairs. As soon as Jackie was back in sight, her eyes locked in on her. She was still shivering, but looked the same. Misty was now looking at Jackie’s toes intently with a smile on her face.

“I think she’s going to be okay!” Misty announced cheerfully as Shauna kneeled down beside her. 

“You think?” Shauna’s brow furrowed, and her voice cracked. She suddenly remembered that she hadn’t had any water yet. Jackie would need some too.

“She’s honestly doing way better than expected! I was worried for a while there that we were just letting you hold a corpse.” Misty chuckled like this was something funny, and Shauna found her hand involuntarily clenching.

“But she’s alive! And she’s going to get better—right Misty?” Taissa inserted herself into the conversation, standing directly between Shauna and Misty. 

“Yes, it might take a while, but she should recover. There are a couple of toes we should keep an eye on, but we’ll see as the day goes on.” Misty adjusted her glasses. 

Shauna just nodded. She stood back up, grabbing her empty bowl from where it still sat at the table, and refilling it from the stew cooking over the fire. She also grabbed one of the metal cups and filled it with water. She took a couple of sips for herself, just enough to wet the palette, then returned to Jackie’s side. 

She placed the bowl and cup off to the side, then sat down next to Jackie. Slowly, she started to pull Jackie’s shivering form into her lap. Groans and whimpers eked out from Jackie’s lips as she was moved. Each noise had Shauna pausing, shushing and comforting Jackie. 

“Shhh, It’s okay, Jax. I’ve got you,” she kissed Jackie’s temple as she finally got her bundled up in her lap.

Slowly and carefully, Shauna began to drip the water and the stew broth into Jackie’s mouth. She made sure to only do a little bit at a time to not overwhelm her, and delicately wiped away anything that spilled from the corner of her mouth with her thumb.

Once Jackie had finished the water and the broth, Shauna grabbed the clothes she had dropped into a pile. She unwrapped the blankets Jackie had been burritoed in, then slipped on the flannel and sweats. She rewrapped the blankets around her then clung to her even further. She kept Jackie wrapped up in her arms, face buried into her neck, sitting in front of the fire. 

Shauna pressed her nose right to Jackie’s pulse point and breathed her in. Each beat of her heart against Shauna’s nose was a balm to whatever roiled inside of her. Jackie was safe. Jackie was alive. But she was still so cold. Shauna slipped her hands back into the blankets and under the flannel, palming Jackie’s back. 

A sob burst from Jackie’s lips, right into Shauna’s ear. “No…stop.” There were weak attempts at struggling that Shauna could barely distinguish from the shivering.”…too hot.”

Shaking her head into Jackie’s neck, Shauna squeezed tighter as Jackie cried.

Another figure appeared at the edge of her vision and crouched down. “Misty says she’s stable enough now to warm up in the bath,” Lottie said softly. Her eyes flicked between Shauna and the back of Jackie’s head with something unreadable in them. 

Nodding, Shauna shifted Jackie in her lap, getting a better hold. Lottie reached forward to help, but Shauna immediately pulled away.

“Shauna, let us help…the strain won’t be good for the baby.” Lottie slowly reached out again. Tears burned behind Shauna’s eyes. Full of anger and guilt and fear. 

“No!” She shouted, the loudest she’d been since she had first found Jackie hours ago. Had it really only been hours?…it felt like lifetimes. Lottie immediately pulled her hand back, holding them up placatingly. “She’s—she’s mine—my best friend, and and I’m gonna take care of her. I’m gonna take care of her.” Shauna’s voice was reedy, words straining to escape her throat.

She wouldn’t be able to bear it to be separated from Jackie again. She’d had a horrible, awful glimpse into a life without Jackie, and it had shattered her. No matter how much she had to grovel after this—they’d figure it out, and Shauna would be there every step of the way. So, she had to be the one taking care of Jackie. It was the first step of penance. 

“Okay,” Lottie said quietly, her face softening with understanding. “We’ll be here just in case, then.” 

Burying her face back into Jackie’s neck for another moment, feeling her pulse against her nose, Shauna nodded. “I’ve got you, Jax,” she whispered.

Tightening her grip, she managed to lift Jackie with her as she stood from her seated position with surprising ease. It was like Jackie barely weighed anything to Shauna, which was immediately concerning. She’d have to make sure Jackie started eating the bear. Adjusting her hold once she stood up, Shauna glanced around the room.

Lottie, Tai, and Van all stood nearby, their faces an array of shock and disbelief, other than Lottie’s who simply looked curious. Nat and Misty were passing a bucket back and forth, halfway between the fire and the side room, as they filled the basin. The rest of the Yellowjackets were sitting out of the way in the living room, and Coach Ben was sitting in the same corner he had been last night. Staying out of it, Shauna thought bitterly. 

The only ones not present were Travis and—Javi. The thought of his name was a stone settling in Shauna’s gut. She had told him to run, and he was still out there. Shauna swallowed down the nausea that rose in her, clutching Jackie’s still shivering body. She’d make it up to him, too. 

Crossing the cabin, Shauna entered the side room with Jackie in her arms and several people trailing behind her. Misty was now kneeling next to the basin, her hand in the water. Lifting her hand out, she flicked the water back into the basin and stood. 

“Not too hot, but it’ll still probably feel hot enough to sting for her. It’ll probably be painful. Make sure you lower her slowly, and make sure she doesn’t drown!” 

“Enough, Misty.” Nat snapped, leading her out of the room by her elbow. 

“Do you want some of us to stay?” Tai asked from beside her. Shauna shrugged. 

She walked over to the side of the room, and gently lowered Jackie into a chair. She slowly unraveled the blankets wrapped around her, causing Jackie’s shivers to intensify, then quickly undressed her. She wanted her to spend the least amount of time in the cold air as possible. Leaving the clothes in a pile next to the chair, Shauna slid her hand beneath Jackie’s bare thighs while the other cradled her back. 

Returning to the basin that had just the barest hint of steam rising into the cold air. “Okay,” Shauna mumbled to herself and Jackie. “You’ll be back to normal soon.” 

Shauna lowered Jackie, moving to kneel as she did. The moment Jackie’s lower half submerged, a cry left her throat. While she was too weak for any major struggle, she did shift in Shauna’s hold as she was lowered entirely into the tub. Groans of pain and discomfort filled the room, and Jackie’s face furrowed and scrunched in pain. 

Kneeling by her head, Shauna kept a hold around her shoulders to make sure Jackie stayed upright. “It’s okay. You’re okay,” she whispered to Jackie amidst her whimpering. 

“No,” Jackie sobbed. Shauna did her best to calm her, shushing her and rubbing her thumb against Jackie’s skin soothingly. 

Eventually the tension seeped from Jackie’s body, though whether that was from actual relief or pure exhaustion Shauna couldn’t say. She was leaning toward the latter. Jackie’s head had lulled to the side, resting against Shauna’s temple. Shauna raised one of her hands to Jackie’s forehead, checking her temperature, and was relieved to find warmth there. Her skin had a flush once again, but Shauna knew that they now had to be on the look out for fever. 

Before the water had the chance to get cold again, Shauna lifted Jackie out of the tub and back over to the chair. No one else was in the room; Shauna assumed they must have left after her nonanswer instead of sticking around. Nat or Misty had left one of the few towels that had folded up next to the chair. Somehow, Shauna was able to keep a hold of Jackie with one arm as she grabbed the towel with the other. She chalked it up to lingering adrenaline, and wrapped the towel around Jackie. She placed her back in the chair with the towel wrapped tightly around her, then cradled her face.

Even with all of Jackie’s mumbles and vocalizations, she had yet to open her eyes.

“Jax,” Shauna pleaded, tucking her hair behind her ears and playing with the strands at the base of her neck. She scratched there gently, the same way she used to wake Jackie up the morning after their sleepovers. When they were still groggy with sleep and cuddled together. 

Jackie’s nose scrunched a bit at the motions. Her eyelashes fluttered, and then Shauna glimpsed a sliver of hazel as her eyes opened blearily. “Shauna,” Jackie whined quietly, her voice cracking between syllables, “it hurts.” 

Leaning forward until her forehead touched Jackie, Shauna took a steadying breath. “I know, Jax, but you’re being so strong.” Jackie was hurt, and this was all her fault. 

Jackie shook her head. 

“You just have to hold on for a little longer, then everything will be better.” Shauna wrapped her arms back around Jackie. Jackie shook her head again.

“It’s all bad…all broken…no point,” Jackie mumbled before her body went limp again as she lost consciousness, leaning fully against Shauna. 

Tears carved their way down Shauna’s cheeks, paths distinct through the general layer of grime on her face. She sniffled, then braced Jackie with one hand while she grabbed the clothes she had left on the floor earlier. She made quick work of dressing Jackie once more and wrapped her in blankets, before taking her into her arms again. 

When she left the side room, all eyes were on her and Jackie, the whispered conversations falling completely silent. Shauna couldn’t take the stares, they felt accusatory—stabbing into her. Each one screaming: You did this. Traitor. Bitch. Monster. Her eyes flicked down toward the space in front of the fireplace where there were additional blankets and pillows set up. 

As she crossed the cabin, some of the conversation picked back up, but it mostly remained muffled. She stayed focused on her destination. Setting Jackie down slowly, Shauna stretched her legs back out. She immediately resumed her position, spooning Jackie and facing the fire, leaving the rest of the cabin to her back. Something in her protested the position—she was leaving herself vulnerable to the rest of the cabin—but Shauna couldn’t bring herself to face the others right now. 

Shauna buried her face in Jackie’s hair, taking a deep breath, and tried to get some rest now that Jackie’s pulse was a steady constant in her ear. 

———————————

Gentle movement jostled Shauna awake. Blinking her eyes open, she saw Jackie’s shivering form, the afternoon sun streaming in through the cabin windows. Shauna adjusted her hold, pulling Jackie closer to her, when Jackie’s body stilled. A quiet, hiccuping breath escaped from her mouth, and it hit Shauna’s slowly waking brain that Jackie hadn’t been shivering. She’d been crying. 

“Jax?” Shauna whispered hopefully, propping herself up on her elbow and trying to pull Jackie onto her back. The moment Shauna’s hand shifted to Jackie’s shoulder, Jackie’s hand shakily reached up to brush away Shauna’s hand. 

While she didn’t have the strength to actually remove Shauna’s hand, the motion itself was enough for Shauna to pull away. “Did that hurt?…Jackie?” There was no response. “Are you okay?” Shauna reached out tentatively again.

“Go away, Shauna.” Jackie’s voice was rough from disuse, raspy in ways that sounded painful. 

The words struck Shauna. Her eyes immediately started stinging with unshed tears. “Do you need something? I should go get you some food and water,” Shauna barreled past Jackie’s request.

“Go away,” she repeated, “go away, go away, go away.” 

The tears spilled over, and Shauna shook her head. “I’m taking care of you.”

“Leave me alone.”

“I-I won’t.”

“You hate me,” Jackie sobbed. Her body wracked with sobs nearly as hard as she was shivering earlier. She shook her head. Shauna still hadn’t been able to see her face. 

“I don’t,” Shauna blubbered. Whatever hate there might have been had been overshadowed so greatly with fear, concern, and love that she couldn’t remember ever hating her.

“You hate me. You fucked him…you’re pregnant. You hate me.”

It was like speaking about it, summoned it, and Shauna felt a flutter in her stomach. She was nauseous, but couldn’t stop shaking her head even though it just made her dizzier. “No!” The word echoed through the cabin. 

Rapid footsteps came from above, then down the ladder. “What’s going—?” Tai came to a stop next to Shauna, then paused at the sight of the two of them. 

“You left me.” The words were quiet and defeated, barely audible over the crackling of the fire.

Shauna choked on a sob, reaching back out toward Jackie. Her hand is stopped from reaching its destination by Tai grabbing her forearm. 

“I think you both need some space, Shauna. Maybe go take a walk…I can look after Jackie.” 

Shauna waited for Jackie to argue. She always disagreed with Tai, but right now she was silent. Her form was still facing the fire. Shauna sniffled against the mucus running from her nose, then rubbed her face against her sleeve. She shifted onto her knees, letting the blankets fall back down around Jackie, then stood. Everything in her told her to lay back down, but Jackie didn’t want her there. 

“Make sure you grab a jacket,” Tai gave her arm a caring squeeze.

“It’s cold outside,” Jackie whispered to herself, but Shauna still heard it. She looked back down at Jackie, hoping to see a face with concern, but she was just met with Jackie’s back.

“I’ll be back soon,” Shauna promised. Jackie shifted under the covers, bringing them higher up to completely cover her head. She glanced at Tai who was looking at her with concern, but it wasn’t the same. Shauna nodded solemnly, then headed to the front door. She grabbed one of the jackets from the coat rack on her way out. 

Either the cabin was empty except for Tai, or the rest of the team was hiding out in the attic and side room as well, since Shauna didn’t see anyone else on her march out the door. She shrugged the jacket on, and slipped outside quickly, not wanting to let the cold in. 

The clearing in front of the cabin was littered with footprints in the snow. Most of them coming and going further into the woods, in the direction of the lake and the plane. As Shauna stepped down the stairs into the snow, one pair of tracks stood out to her the most.

She followed in her own footsteps, tracking her path along to the fire pit. She stopped in front of the large, human shaped divot in front of the fire. Even from all the way out here, she could still hear Jackie’s steady heartbeat from the cabin. It echoed in her ear, a soothing comfort replacing the memory of terrifying silence the last time she was here. She could see the channels her fingers had carved as she desperately tried to clear the snow from around Jackie. Shauna sat in Jackie’s spot, her butt immediately soaking in the cold, and she stared into the quiet fire pit.

Jackie thought she hated her. Jackie had probably sat here last night in the freezing cold, thinking that Shauna hated her. It could have been the last thought she remembered having. Jackie thought Shauna hated her. 

Wrapping her arms around her knees, Shauna buried her head into her lap. The action was not as comforting as it used to be with her slightly protruding belly. Gritting her teeth, Shauna grabbed her own stomach and squeezed. 

This was all its fault. If it didn’t exist, then Jackie never would have gotten suspicious. She never would have read Shauna’s journal. She never would have found out about Jeff. She never would have thought that Shauna hated her. A low growl left her throat, as her nails dug in so tightly she could feel them through the fabric of her clothes. 

All it did was ruin her life. It made her nauseous. It made her hungrier. It made her weaker. It fed off of her, and it ruined her relationship with Jackie. Jackie had almost died because of it. 

Taking a deep breath, Shauna relinquished her squeezing hold on her abdomen. She sniffled, lifting her head to look back at the dead, snow-covered fire.

She thought back to her dream last night; how she had seen some other version of her lead Jackie from this very spot back into the cabin. But she had been the one to break the door down—she had been the one to save her. 

Some of what she had said last night had been right—she wasn’t just going to listen to whatever Jackie wanted anymore. Jackie wanted Shauna to go away now and leave her alone? Tough shit. Jackie doesn’t get to be done with Shauna, not until Shauna said so—and Shauna would never.

They were an ouroboros, intrinsically entwined, eating themselves in a never ending cycle, and Jackie wasn’t allowed to leave Shauna alone in that. Not after nearly dying. Not after Shauna had a glimpse of what life without her was like. 

Shauna was going to make sure Jackie was safe. She was going to make sure she recovered. And then, she was going to make sure that Jackie finally understood just what Jackie meant to her. 

It wasn’t until the voices of the others approaching from the plane reached her that Shauna moved from her spot. When the others entered the clearing, carrying and dragging things behind them, Shauna stood. The others eyed her, some inquisitive and some cautious, but no one dared ask her what she was doing outside.

She steeled herself, ignoring the movement crawling within her, and made her way back toward the cabin.