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Robert sat on the couch watching the sleeping Seb in the travel cot nearby. He had only recently reconciled with Aaron, but how quickly they became a little family still made his head spin a bit. The four of them were truly on a great trajectory and Robert never wanted to jeopardize that. Deep down he still had this feeling that soon it would all fall apart. That Aaron would get tired of being a parent to a child that brought him so many painful memories. That Liv would realize that he wasn’t worth the forgiveness. That he would be alone again. He trusted them, sure, but that didn’t stop the quiet thoughts that rage in the back of his mind.
The sound of the key in the door broke him from his trance. Aaron came in trying to be quiet as Robert had already texted him that Seb had fallen asleep.
“Hey.” He said, giving Robert a kiss on the cheek. “Did he go down okay?”
Robert put on a good face and pushed the thoughts down. “Yeah. Actually it was pretty easy. I’m sure we’ll be making up for it later.”
Aaron went over to the cot, looking at the sleeping baby with nothing but love in his eyes.
“Do we risk taking him upstairs?” He said.
Robert smiled, “You’re welcome to, but if he wakes up he’s your problem.” He joked.
Aaron picked up the sleeping baby’s arm and let it fall back down with a thud. He determined that Seb was asleep enough that moving him would be okay so he picked him up and headed upstairs.
Once Aaron was out of view Robert took a deep breath. He wasn’t sure why he was having so much trouble today.
After Aaron had come back down he moved over to turn on the kettle. “How was your morning?” He asked, sounding genuinely interested. “I haven’t seen you all day.”
Robert didn’t answer though. Far too deep in thought. He wasn’t even entirely sure what he was thinking about, but he was lost in his mind nonetheless.
Suddenly his husband had materialized beside him with a steaming cup. He didn’t even hear him coming.
“Okay. What’s wrong?” Aaron said, sitting the cups down on the table within reach.
Robert put on a fake smile, “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fi-”
“Don’t play that shit with me, Robert. I know you too well. Something is going on in that head of yours and I want to know what it is.” Aaron said, cutting him off mid lie. “Just talk to me.”
Robert avoided eye contact. He hated feeling this way. He hated feeling vulnerable. It wasn’t often that he let anyone else see under that mask, but he was fairly certain that Aaron saw through his lies every time. He knew him better than anyone.
“Hey.” Aaron said, pulling him out of his thoughts and getting his attention. They locked eyes for a moment. “Just talk to me.” He added.
Robert took a deep breath.
“I love you.” He started, slowly.
Aaron just nodded, waiting for the next sentence which seemed to never come. “I love you too.” He said, hoping it would urge his husband forward.
“I love Seb.” Robert said next.
Aaron nodded. “Right. I do too.” He waited for the next statement, but was caught off guard when Robert’s head whipped around in response.
“Umm. I just… You don’t… Umm.” Robert said, stumbling over his words.
“Is that what this is about? You don’t think I love him?” Aaron said, clearly hurt a bit.
Robert’s eyes widened. “No! No no. That’s not… I didn’t… UGHHH!” He groaned, the proper words not finding him at the time.
“That little boy is your family, which makes him mine.” Aaron started, leaning in closer. “He snuck in and made me love him. I would never hurt him.”
Robert turned. “I never though you would hurt him. Ever. You’re amazing with him. You have been since he was born, honestly. Every time I see you two together I’m reminded all over again how lucky I am to have the life I do. You, me, Liv, and Seb. I love our family.”
“I know it’s not the conventional family, but I want to make sure that you know that a family by choice is just as important as a family by blood.” Aaron took a deep breath, knowing the next part was going to hurt a bit. “I know what I said before he was born. I know that I hated him. I was just so hurt, and I know we’ve put that behind us and I’m not trying to dig everything up. I just want you to know that I remember what I said too. But that boy… OUR boy, he’s something special and my life is better for having him with us.”
Robert gave a soft laugh, eyes wet with unfallen tears. A comfortable silence fell over them for a beat and Aaron turned to take a drink of his tea. Just as he was setting the cup back down Robert said, “My mom didn’t want me at first either.”
Aaron’s head whipped around. “What do you mean?”
Robert couldn’t help but smile. He always did when it came to his mother.
“When she was first with my dad, when I was little, she wasn’t a fan of kids. Or maybe she just wasn’t a fan of me. I think she was worried it would ruin her independence or something.” He said.
Aaron nodded quietly, waiting for Robert to continue.
“She was never mean or anything. I don’t even remember much from that time, but I remember sometimes she would get frustrated when I needed something or asked a question. She would always just redirect me to my dad or grandmother. It’s crazy to think about now.”
“What changed?” Aaron asked.
Robert continued. “Honestly, I’m not sure. She warmed up to me, I guess. I was only like 3 or 4 at the time, but I just remember that over time she would do all these things for me. I didn’t have a mom when I was really little. My biological mom died when I was so young. I don’t remember her. I don’t even really remember my brother. I remember my mom though. I remember the day I asked if I could call her mom. I have a lot of blurry memories from that time but that one is clear. I asked if I could call her mom, she said yes, and we never looked back. She chose me. Well I guess she chose my dad…”
“No. She chose you.” Aaron said, putting his hand on Robert’s arm. “She didn’t have to embrace being a mom like that to be with your dad, but she did. Because she loved you.”
Robert couldn’t help but smile. “She reminds me of you sometimes. Especially now, with Seb.”
Aaron furrowed his brows, not quite seeing the line Robert was drawing.
“You have every reason to hate Seb. Even if we’re together you have every right to not want to be involved in his life. But you did. You’re his dad and you’re proud of it. I feel like you love him the same way my mom loved me.” And he meant it. Robert was so sure that his mother would have loved Aaron. She would have valued his loyalty, his passion, and his overall love.
“I do. I really do.” Aaron replied.
As if on cue, Seb started making noise from upstairs. Robert moved to get up but Aaron pulled him back down before standing up. “You’ve had enough time with him today. It’s my turn!”
Aaron disappeared up the stairs and from the living room Robert could hear him talking. “Hi, Sebby! I’ve missed you today. I heard you had a good nap today too. Are you ready to eat?”
Robert’s heart swelled. Yeah, everything was going to be just fine.