Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

POV Jesper

Jesper hears the rustling in his sheets as the girl he had drunkenly slept with starts to stir. He can tell from the way the light is shining through the window that he has probably missed his morning class. So much for a good start to the week,  he thinks to himself. He feels a hand slowly caress his shoulder, and for one of the only times in his life, he forces himself to stay completely still.

He continues to remain still, with his eyes pinned shut. Remembering to keep his breathing slow, the girl continues to mess with his hair, humming quietly in an attempt to get him to stir, before inevitably giving up, and getting out of bed to grab her clothes. After more shuffling around he hears her inching closer. He senses her attempt to grab his hand. He allows her to take it, and feels her start scribbling on his palm with a pen. Remaining as sleeplike as possible, he slowly moves his other hand to pinch the back of his thigh to prevent himself from laughing at the ticklish sensation. He hears the click of the pen, and then feels her breathing shift from being in his face to right against his ear. 

“Oh Jesper fahey,” she says in a slightly alluring manner. “Please call me back.” 

Then she quickly grabs the rest of her belongings and scurries out of his room, leaving Jesper to blink his eyes open, and furrow his eyebrows into a pained expression. He listens as the front door opens. When he doesn’t hear it close, he begins questioning if he should attempt to drag himself out of bed, just to make sure the door wasn’t left open. Just as he begins to sit on that thought he hears the door slam shut, with slow but harsh footsteps barreling towards his room. 

“Jesper!” Shouts the harsh voice from the doorway. Jesper winces at the sound, his head pounding from the intensity of the noise. Jesper slowly rolls over, and is greeted with a cold, disgusted scowl from Kaz Brekker. He faintly smiles back. 

“Jesper, why on earth did I open my apartment door at 9:45am to a girl giggling and smiling, just for her to call her friend as she walked out the door going ‘ooo he’s so hot I cannot WAIT to see him again!’ Because you and I both know that isn’t going to happen.” Jesper winks at him. 

“Well I am superrrr hot so she’s not wrong.” Kaz scowls even more than before. If that’s even possible. Suddenly, Jesper sits up, last night's hangover throbbing immediately after. “Wait, did you say 9:45? I could still make it to class if I-” Kaz cuts him off with a small gruff, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“I also know that you are not going to your 10:00am.” Jesper doesn’t argue, and slowly slinks back into bed. He knows Kaz is right.

 “Jesper.” repeats Kaz. Jesper opens his eyes to look at him again. “I have to drag myself out of bed, all the way to my 8 am's almost everyday, so I have time for day and night shifts, just so I can continue to pay the majority of the rent for this apartment that we share . And the very last thing I want, in the entire world, is to be greeted by another loud and annoying individual, wistfully thinking they have a chance of getting with you, after I’ve had to sit through a boring lecture for an hour and a half.” Jesper just stares back in silence as Kaz patiently taps his fingers against his cane, waiting for a response. 

“Yeah I am definitely way too hungover for this,” states Jesper before pulling the duvet over his head again. Kaz starts to walk out but not before saying “I’m serious Jesper. Get it together or you’re out.” Given how long and how close the two boys are – whatever being close to Kaz Brekker means – Jesper knows that Kaz’s threats are always ones to be taken seriously. Besides, even if he had wanted to provide Kaz with some sort of smartass response, Jesper was becoming highly aware of the throbbing in his head. He rolls over again towards his night stand, removing a bottle of pain killers, and quickly pops two of them before letting the heaviness of his eyes put him back to sleep. 

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When he wakes again, the sky is completely pitch black and he hears the patter of rain outside. Had he really slept through the day? He wonders to himself. Extremely terrible start to the week. He grabs his phone off the night stand and opens it to see that it is 10pm. A bit too late to start drinking but maybe I can go and play a few games at the wheel. He likes the sound of that idea, but then remembers that Kaz was already at his final straw after the incident this morning. And he knows that going to the casino means probably getting drunk, and he could not afford to have Kaz mad at him two mornings in a row, or to miss another day of class. And financially speaking, he could not afford to lose any more money and be late on paying Kaz his rent money again. With his recent luck at the wheel, he decides he shouldn't take the chance.

Accepting defeat he slowly rolls out of bed and out of his room, the light in the common area near blinding him. He knows Kaz was out working at this point so he had free reign of the place. He walks over into the kitchen and opens the fridge, finding a leftover piece of pizza from a few nights earlier. He grabs it, and walks a few steps to the couch. Flopping down, He turns on the TV, flipping through the various channels, and inevitably landing on a home renovation show that he decides would have to be enough for that moment. He eats the slice of pizza whilst watching, but quickly finds himself restless once the slice is gone. So then he begins to play with a coin that he finds between the couch cushions, which only satisfies him for a little while. Then he begins to aimlessly wander around the apartment as if he were a model, pointing finger guns at each wall he neared before turning. He even finds himself wandering into the empty third bedroom, but with how dark and bare it feels, decides that the atmosphere in the common area was better for his pretend modeling. He didn’t dare enter Kaz’s room, because even with his absence, he knew Kaz would find a way of knowing he had been in there. He shudders at the thought. 

As Jesper goes back to the couch, a knock comes from the door. Finally some excitement, he thinks to himself before wandering over to the door. 

Jesper Fahey never stops moving. He can’t. He can’t slow down. While Jesper doesn’t mind the constant moving, he knows that his deepest fear is what would happen to him if he stopped. Even for a moment. The movement keeps him going. And he likes that. The gamble, uncertainty, and risk of his life. He would rather live life on the edge, then the permanence of falling. After so many years of walking on the edge, he’s sure that the fall would be lethal. And stopping doesn’t prevent the fall, just shows you what's coming. And Jesper isn’t sure he wants to know what’s coming. So no matter what, he makes sure that in some way, he is always moving. 

So what he isn’t prepared for, is what happens when he opens the door, to a boy slightly younger than him, with auburn curls and big blue doe eyes, shivering from the cold, and a faint, lingering bruise surrounding his eye. 

He stops.

Chapter Text

POV Wylan 

No matter how cold he is, or how much pain he is in, Wylan is able to forget it all the moment the tall Zemini boy opens the door to him. Wylan immediately begins to memorize every feature. All the way from his grey eyes, to the bright patterned socks he is wearing. He tries not to spend too long staring at the boy's abs, and finds himself back at his face, taking in the plushness of his lips, before quickly moving back to his eyes. The boy in front of him goes completely rigid with his mouth agape. 

“Jesper,” says Kaz, suddenly appearing from behind. Wylan can’t help but to flinch at his rough, harsh voice.

“Kaz?” Jesper asks weakly, finally returning to his senses. “What’s going on? Who is this?” 

“Our third roommate,” replies Kaz, poking Wylan in the back with his cane so he’s officially standing inside the apartment. Jesper steps back to give him space, still looking at him, as if he is studying him, and trying to figure him out in some way. Wylan looks down at the floor, keeping his gaze low out of precaution. 

“Kaz don’t you think we should have, you know, discussed this?” Asks Jesper, with a slight hiss in his tone. Wylan starts to go red. He hadn't meant to intrude on anything, or insert himself without Jesper’s knowledge. The circumstances of how Wylan ended up here in the first place weren’t exactly ideal, and it wasn’t necessarily like he had expected to be here right now, seemingly so soon. But at this point this was his only option. 

“He gave me a downpayment for the room already. You can hardly pay me your rent on time.” Jesper's mouth hangs ajar again. 

“But-” he starts before Kaz cuts him off. 

“Jesper, I don't have time for protests. I still have the second half of my shift to work and my break is almost up. He’s already paid. It’s done.” Kaz barks back. Wylan slowly raises his eyes to look at Jesper, who only gives him a slightly annoyed glare in return.  

“Second room in the back, kid,” Kaz states before he turns around and walks out of the apartment closing the door behind him, leaving Jesper and him together. Alone. 

“Saints,” Jesper Scoffs. They stare at each other. Jesper’s expression remains harsh for a moment, but after a while begins to relax. “Well seeing as I don’t have much choice in the matter, I’ll show you to your room.” 

Jesper guides him towards a small dark room towards the back. He flicks on the light revealing a room dusted in cobwebs, with a small bed, a crate as a night stand, a small chair, and a standing lamp with a crack in the lampshade. 

“You can put your stuff in here-” His voice drifts off as he lowers his gaze to Wylan’s hands, realizing how little he has on him. Just a small bag barely enough to hold more than a two or three days worth of clothes, his flute, a few smaller necessities, and the small amount of kruge he had managed to sneak past his father. Wylan feels his eyes begging to glaze over. Jesper clears his throat, snapping Wylan out of his head and regaining his attention. 

“Uhm.. so uh- yeah anyways. Make yourself at home” he mumbles, before brushing past Wylan back into the common area. Wylan looks around the room and sighs. Well this is better than the contrary, he thinks to himself. Walking over to the chair, he places his bag down, carefully removing the few clothes he has, and hanging them in the closet with the few plastic hangers within. After he spends a few more minutes adjusting himself, he glances back towards the doorway, and deciding he has nothing better to do, he ventures back out into the common area.

He finds Jesper slung across the couch switching through the channels on the TV. It takes him a few seconds to register Wylan’s there but once he notices, he swiftly switches the TV off to look at him. Wylan freezes, and stares back at him. Jesper raises an eyebrow up at the boy and Wylan feels himself going red. 

“Out with it," states Jesper. Wylan just stares, silently. “You know, I'm not going to be able to read your mind, so you might as well just say whatever it is you're thinking. Well that, but I also hate the silence.” Wylan keeps staring at him for a moment.

“Uh w-where would I find the cups?” He asks, almost in a whisper. Jesper stares at him for a second before he erupts with laughter, leaving Wylan very confused. 

“So you talk after all!” He exclaims, more laughter following. Wylan finds himself wishing a hole would appear below him and swallow him whole. Jesper brushes tears away before answering. 

“In the top middle cabinet,” he replies whilst moving his arm to point. Wylan nods, and heads into the kitchen, to fix himself a glass of water. He feels Jesper's eyes following him, and burning holes through his head. When he turns around again, he is startled by Jesper, who has moved to leaning on the outer end of the breakfast bar. 

“Saints!” Wylan shrieks, causing Jesper to laugh again. Wylan blushes harder than before. Jesper takes another couple of minutes to collect himself again. After a while he sighs and looks back at Wylan.

“No offense or anything,” he starts, “but how on earth did you manage to give Kaz a downpayment? You don’t exactly look like you’d be in the position for that.” Now it’s Wylan’s turn to study Jesper. Does he ever mind what he’s saying? Questions Wylan. He watches as Jesper bites his lip and looks down, shaking his head, and then looking back towards him again. As if Jesper could read his mind, he talks again. 

“Sorry yeah that was a dick assumption,” Jesper chuckles. Wylan doesn’t have the energy to put up any amount of a fight with Jesper, so he instead chuckles lightly to himself. 

“Yeah I uhm, I have a job, so I can pay. And I didn’t know it was raining. And I uh- ran into a uhm.. Pole! A pole a few days ago so that’s why I have the bruise.” His voice trails off, and he looks to Jesper for approval. He can tell that Jesper knows to some degree that his story is entirely false, and he prepares himself for another one of Jesper's smart and unfiltered responses, but instead receives an apologetic smile. 

 “Ah yeah, that makes total sense.” Not a single hint of mockery in his tone. Wylan decides that he should at least try to make some part of what led to him ending up here believable. 

“Yeah I just happened to wander into the crow club, while Kaz was working the bar. I mentioned to him I had been looking for a place, and he said that you guys had an open room, so when I offered an immediate down payment he took it.” He keeps his gaze on Jesper, who nods slowly. “I just didn’t realize it would happen so fast.” Jesper sighs.

“Right yeah. I know Kaz has been waiting for someone to fill the vacancy for a while.” Wylan nods, and the space becomes silent and tense for a moment before Jesper continues. “So do you attend Ketterdam Uni as well?” He asks. Wylan fidgets with the sleeves of his sweater. 

“N-no I don’t.. I’m not a student.” He mutters. Jesper looks at him curiously. “Then why live in an apartment in the middle of a college town?” Jesper inquires. Wylan is certain that he has never been so red, in his entire life. 

“It was the closest and cheapest place to my job?” Wylan states, uncertainly, waiting for Jesper’s approval. Much to his relief, Jesper nods without interrogating him further, and he finds himself breathing again. He watches Jesper start playing with his rings. 

“I- I’m sorry,” He mutters. Jesper looks at him, confusion spreading across his face. “I’m sorry if I intruded, I didn’t think Kaz would-” He doesn’t even bother finishing that sentence, since Jesper begins to grin. 

“Well, that’s Kaz for you. Hard to please, unless of course there’s money involved. And while seemingly unpredictable at times, he always has these little gears conspiring a plan in his head, or as I like to personally call it, scheming face.” Jesper laughs, and Wylan allows himself to chuckle slightly at that remark. Suddenly Jesper speaks again. 

“Are you hungry for anything? There isn’t much but I can maybe make you some toast or something if you are?” 

Wylan’s small chuckles stop immediately. He freezes for a second, becoming almost rigid, before immediately shaking his head. “No.” he croaks. “I mean no thank you. I’m alright, I'm probably just going to head to bed.” He looks to Jesper, and for a split second, he almost thinks he sees worry within the furrow of his eyebrows, before his face returns back to normal again. 

“Yes, you must be exhausted. Yeah, just uh.. Just let me know if you need anything, I'll probably be awake for a little while.” Wylan nods, finding himself unable to say anything else, and heads off to his room. 

Once in his room, Wylan removes his damp clothes, and changes into the most comfortable of the clothes he brought with him, before crawling into the small bed. He curls his knees into his chest and takes a deep breath. When that breath doesn’t seem to reach his lungs all the way, he takes another. Suddenly he finds himself wanting to cry. He tries not to, but the overwhelm of everything hits him. 

Wylan never imagined what he might want, given the opportunity of a fresh start. With how long he has been fighting for, he never thought he’d have a fresh start. But being in a room far from home, and having had the most normal conversation he’s ever had in his life, he can’t help wondering if he will finally be able to escape his past. He ponders the thought briefly, but almost as soon as he attempts to allow the joy of that idea to seep in, he is consumed again by everything. Consumed by his defect. Consumed by his father. Consumed by fear. 

Wylan begins to sob. Small hiccups escape his chest. He feels himself beginning to tremble. He is safe now. Isn’t he? Why is he acting like this? He is tempted to return to the living room. Maybe seeing Jesper will remind him that he is safe. But instead he wills himself to remain as quiet as possible, ensuring that Jesper will not hear his soft cries. After what seems like forever, he hears the door of the room next to his open, and shut. Despite Jesper not shutting the door harder than anyone normally would, Wylan can’t help but feel a bit startled. He tries to breathe slowly in an attempt to calm himself, but he feels his breathing speeding up. He moves to an upright position, pressing his hand over his chest, and trying to take slow, steady breaths. After a while, he finally feels the climax of the panic subside, and he is able to curl up again. He tries to think of Jesper as a reminder of his safety, but thoughts of his father and his past continue swarming in his head. At some point, whilst still thinking about everything, and tears streaming down his face, his body finally gives into his exhaustion, and he falls asleep.

Chapter Text

POV Jesper 

For once, Jesper actually finds himself able to wake up at a reasonable hour. He checks his phone and it reads 8:30. All the sleeping he did yesterday might actually help him make it to his morning class on time. Grabbing his phone, he rolls out of bed, and heads straight towards the bathroom to clean himself up. Ideally he would have had a 30 minute concert in the shower, but per Kaz’s request to keep their water bill relatively low, he cuts himself off after about 10 minutes. He wipes the steam off the mirror winking at himself, and ties his towel around his waist. 

Back in his room, he opens his closet to an array of highly fashionable pieces. Other than all the other things he is known around campus for, his impeccable, yet seemingly controversial style is something people take notice of. On the days he isn’t too hungover to drag himself out of bed, he loves to take his time making sure his outfit is perfect for the day. He carefully decides on a pair of denim pants with various colors of yellow, red, and green patchwork sewn in. He takes a cheetah print T-shirt out next. He moves to his dresser where he grabs cheetah print boxers (for the waist line of course), and some red socks. Lastly he grabs a variety of chain bracelets and necklaces to layer, with a massive belt. He decides his red boots will be perfect for this outfit. After putting the outfit on, and spraying some of his best cologne, he can’t help but smirk at himself. He feels hot, and the entire town is going to see. 

When he finally appears from his bedroom. He is greeted with Kaz, in his same, dark and boring palette of black clothes he always wears, and of course, his infamous black gloves that he is hardly ever without. Kaz turns to look at him, with the harshest side eye known to man, before muttering, “You look absolutely ridiculous.” Jesper winks at him. 

“Awe thanks babe, you’re looking like a beauty yourself.” Kaz stares back, his silence speaking louder than words. Jesper heads towards the fridge, to make himself eggs and toast. He grabs a pan for the eggs, and then moves to pop the bread in the toaster. But as he looks down at the bread in his hand, he suddenly remembers. Wylan. The boy. That mysterious boy. 

“So do you want to explain what happened last night?” Jesper asked, as he began to crack an egg into the pan. He hears Kaz grunt behind him. “Explain what exactly?” Kaz questions. Jesper releases an exasperated laugh. 

“Saints Kaz, you always do this. Answering my question, with another question.” Kaz seems unbothered by this accusation. “Ok look, I just want to know why one minute I was minding my business, and the next I open the door to a small, helpless looking boy, who apparently is now my 2nd roommate, with no prior warning.” Jesper flips his egg over. 

“There really isn’t much to explain here Jesper.” Kaz responds. “He appeared at the crow club, I spotted him, he said he was looking for a job and a place to stay. I told him I had a place, told him to pay and the place was his, and he immediately gave me the kruge needed for the down payment. I offered him a job at the crow club, brought him over here, and that’s it. Simple as that. He paid, he’s in.” Just as Kaz finishes, the toaster rings. Jesper grabs his toast, puts the egg on top, then stops for a moment. 

“Wait, did you say you offered him a job?” Jesper asks. Kaz nodded slowly, his expression asking, did you not listen to a word I said? Jesper is confused. That is not at all the story he had gotten from Wylan. And suddenly he finds himself annoyed. Annoyed at Kaz for dropping all this on him without at least consulting with him first. And annoyed that Wylan, this random kid that Kaz had just let waltz into the place, found it so easy to lie to his new roommate about having a job. Jesper sets his plate down on the counter, and leans overtop so he is eyelevel with Kaz.

“I don’t know why you thought letting this random stranger into our apartment was appropriate, especially without consulting me first to, at the very least, make me aware this was going to happen. But what I do know is that he is a fraud. He’s a liar, he has secrets, and he cannot be trusted.” Jesper is now enraged, and flailing his arms around. “He isn’t even a student. Every kid like him in this area is a student. He’s up to something, he must be! No one around here walks around with enough kruge to pay a downpayment on an apartment unexpectedly like that. Do you not find this even slightly suspicious? I don’t care why he showed up needing a place, I don’t care much for him at all, but clearly he has had no experience in the barrel and has no business being here. He should just go back to wherever he came from, so as to not disturb us with whatever havoc he plans on bringing to our lives.” Jesper finally stops, to see Kaz who was now looking away from him, at the small boy with Auburn curls standing in the small hallway. Jesper doesn’t think in his entire life, he has seen someone his age, looking so small and timid. And the worst part is that he is staring directly at him. No movement, completely and entirely rigid. It doesn’t  matter the pang of guilt he is now feeling, because Wylan has already heard everything he said. He watches as Kaz slowly turns back towards him. 

“Fahey, what in Ghezen's name is wrong with you?” But before Jesper can respond, he sees his phone buzz, to reveal the time is 9:55, only 5 minutes before his class is supposed to start. 

“Shit i’m going to be late!” He exclaims. Shoving his eggs and toast into his mouth, he quickly grabs his bag from near the front door, and runs out. Just before he closes the door, he swears he hears Kaz mutter “fuck him,” under his breath to Wylan. 

________

Once Jesper is in his first class (physics), he is easily distracted. He invites two girls to be his partners for their in class work, which they gladly agree to. It is no secret that Jesper is the most wanted partner in the whole school. They end up proving to be a great distraction from the fact that he has absolutely no clue how to do this assignment. When was the last time he had even made it to this class? Last week? Two weeks ago? He doesn't know. Or care. He loves all the attention. He shoots a glance towards his Professor, who is staring at him from the front of the classroom. Jesper knows the limit to who he can act carelessly in front of, and he knows from his professor's look that now is not the time to push that limit. But one of the girls rubbing his shoulders pulls him out of his teacher's gaze for the rest of the class period.

“Fahey can we chat for a moment?” Jesper winces. He was so close to being out the door without his teacher saying anything. He turns around with his typical charm hoping to make light of the moment. “You like my outfit, teach? I-” but before Jesper can finish his teacher huffs and points to a chair sitting in front of his desk. So reluctantly Jesper agrees to sit. 

“Mr. Fahey, I have noticed you have been skipping this class a lot so far this term.” Jesper chuckles. “Yeah sir, my bad.” His teacher looks at him sternly. Jesper was not one to enjoy serious conversations with adults. He bows his head to avoid eye contact. 

“With your amount of absences, and the poor quality of your homework, I am worried about your ability to pass this class,” His teacher states. Jesper looks at him, and nods. “Get it together Fahey, or there is not going to be a spot here for you at Ketterdam University.” Jesper nods his head with a small smirk. “Yes sir,” he responds, before saluting his teacher and walking out the door. The second he shuts the door behind him he laughs. The whole premise of being kicked out over one class was ridiculous. Surely he can just retake the class next semester. 

That thought lasts him until around 2pm, at which point he has received an email from his maths professor, and was again held after class by his engineering professor, who all had told him the same thing. Get it together or you’re out. 

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When Jesper arrives back to the apartment, he immediately goes to flop down on the couch. He’s exhausted. Apparently having a bunch of professors tell you that you run the risk of getting kicked out of university, can take a lot out of anyone, including someone who usually doesn’t run the risk of tiring out. Jesper doesn’t even know how long he’s been laying there, when he suddenly hears the lock of the apartment unlock and the door swinging open. He watches as Wylan comes in, removes his shoes, and then looks up to meet Jesper's gaze. Wylan freezes. 

“Thought you’d be working later.” Jesper says in a monotone voice. He watches Wylan’s breathing hitch as he tries to find the words to say. 

“Kaz trained me, and then let me leave early. My first proper shift is tomorrow evening.”

Jesper nods in response. 

“Glad to know we are being honest about the job now.” Jesper huffs. Wylan remains tense. “Guess you won’t be seeing me then, Kaz has me working the afternoon hours.” Jesper watches as Wylan's eyes widen. He realizes that Wylan probably didn’t even know that Jesper works at the crow club. Jesper chuckles at that thought, before silence comes between them again. Wylan sighs and begins heading off towards his room. Jesper stands in a frenzy causing Wylan to stop and look at him. 

“I- I’m sorry. About what I said earlier. Truly. You weren’t meant to hear any of that, I had no idea I just… No excuses, I just have so many questions, and you weren’t exactly honest with me.” Jesper watches Wylan's mouth hang ajar slightly, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“I mean what am I supposed to think? It’s hard to believe you “needed” the job and “needed” the place to live when you were able to pull out a down payment from your pocket. People don’t typically have that kind of money just lying around.” Wylan still doesn’t say anything. “You can stay mad at me all you want but silence isn’t going to help either of us.” 

“I’m not mad at you,” Wylan rasps. “I just… Do you really think I’m up to something?” Now it was Jesper's turn to be silent. Sure he’s suspicious about Wylan. That’s the way of the barrel. You survive by being suspicious of people. But not even twenty four hours ago, Wylan showed up at his door, looking completely disheveled, in a way that truly screamed innocence. He doesn’t know what to think now. He feels the itch he always feels when he thinks a little too deeply. The familiar yearning to be at the wheel, playing a game. It is hard to remember that he is trying to make amends when the itch is burning this much. 

“I just don’t understand what you’re hiding. You seem to have all these secrets or whatever. You show up with enough money to make me believe you secretly have this perfect life.” He watches as Wylan walks over to him. Jesper is sure he is going to yell at him. Or hit him. Or something. But when he’s close enough, Jesper can see tears beading in the corners of his eyes. 

“You have no idea about what my life is like,” Wylan croaks. Jesper was stunned. Mostly with Wylan's lack of anger. He watches in shock, as Wylan walks down the hall, and listens as his door closes shut. Jesper doesn’t know what to think about Wylan anymore. He has never met someone who, being treated the way Jesper had treated him, hadn’t responded aggressively. That just wasn’t how those kinds of interactions were dealt with here. Jesper feels the itch come stronger than before. The yearning now, for the taste of whisky on his tongue, and someone hot to pay attention to him again. The guilt of how he treated Wylan earlier (and now), the messages overlaid from his teachers, everything, now boiling inside him. Jesper hurries towards the door, grabs his jacket, and doesn’t look back. He keeps running until he finds himself at the crow club so he can finally scratch the itch.

Chapter Text

POV Wylan

  In the middle of the night, Wylan wakes up when he hears the front door slam shut. Probably Kaz, he thinks to himself. Then he hears a lot of murmuring. And then slowly the voices get louder. Suddenly he hears an exasperated sounding Kaz saying, “Fahey come on.” Peaking his head out of his door, he watches as Kaz is trying his best to drag an obviously drunk Jesper to his room. Wylan quickly runs over to help as best as he can. 

“Saints, what happened?” Asks Wylan. Kaz Scoffs. 

“This idiot got completely wasted at the club.” replies Kaz. “I watched him keep losing every game he played a hand in, and he’d wash the loss down with whisky, and then by the end of it, he was barely even able to speak a single coherent sentence, and all the other players were getting aggravated. I stayed over time just to keep an eye on him, and basically had to drag him away. Not an ideal scenario.” Wylan frowns. 

“In the middle of the week? Doesn’t he have a shift tomorrow afternoon?” Kaz chuckles.

  “Oh that doesn’t stop him. He has a morning class tomorrow too. Per usual.” Kaz rolls his eyes. They finally manage to drag Jesper into bed and then exit the room. When Kaz closes the door he pauses. “He hasn’t been this drunk in a little while.”  

Wylan doesn’t know what to think of the situation. Had this been his fault? Is Jesper mad at him for acting out earlier? Is Wylan messing up his life that badly? He is used to feeling like a burden in his father’s life but it would have been nice to leave that feeling behind with his father. Maybe it is him. Maybe he deserves Jesper's anger. 

“Does this happen often?” Asks Wylan. Kaz frowns. 

“This level of drunkness? On occasion. But generally speaking, yes,” says Kaz. “Anyways I’m going to head to bed. Another early day tomorrow.” Kaz rubs a hand against the back of his neck. “I wouldn’t get used to the side of Jesper you were first introduced to” He whispers before heading off to his room.

Early the next morning, Wylan is sitting next to Kaz at the breakfast bar. Neither one of them is really saying anything, both just scrolling on their phones, with Kaz taking slow bites into an apple, and Wylan aimlessly stirring his spoon around a soggy bowl of cereal. They didn’t even need to look at the other to know that neither one of them had slept well. 

Suddenly Jesper's bedroom door flies open. Wylan turns to watch Jesper stumbling towards their shared bathroom in the back, and seconds later hears him retching uncontrollably. Wylan turns back to Kaz wide eyed, with Kaz seemingly unfazed. 

“Should I-” but Kaz cuts him off. “Leave him. That’s the consequence of his stupidity.” Wylan stares back at the bathroom door. The retching continues for a few minutes, and eventually the bathroom door opens. Jesper sluggishly walks back to his room, and shuts his door again. Wylan watches as Kaz starts to get up to leave for his class. 

“Do you think Jesper is going to make it to his shift today?” Wylan asks before Kaz walks out. Kaz stops as he opens the door. 

“He knows better than to skip, otherwise he’ll be late on his rent.” Kaz states, before walking out. 

Wylan lays on the couch for most of the morning, listening for a couple more instances of Jesper running out of his room to throw up. Just before noon, Jesper emerges from his room, looking a little more decent, but still a mess. He moves over to the coffee machine to brew himself a cup. Once Jesper’s cup is made, Wylan watches as he chugs it down. Just as Jesper is about to head out the door, he finally notices Wylan. Wylan goes slightly red, embarrassed that he had been caught watching. Jesper just looks at him, an unreadable expression on his face. 

“See ya later, yeah?” He asks weakly, before walking out the door. 

Wylan doesn’t find much to do. He ventures into the bathroom at some point, attempting to clean it up as best he can. But mostly he spends the time sitting around just thinking about everything. Eventually, an hour before his shift, he decides to shower and clean himself up a little bit, so he looks at least a bit more alive. As he is getting ready, he is almost anticipating Jesper's arrival. After all, Jesper had said that their shifts were at different times so surely Jesper would be back soon. 

Wylan sees him immediately upon entering the crow club, sitting at a round table in the back with a beer in his hand, and a girl in his lap. Wylan watches, with his mouth opened wide for a second. 

“Wylan.” Wylan jumps, to see Kaz directly in front of him. He hadn’t even noticed him there. Wylan looks back at Jesper again, and then back to Kaz. As if Kaz can read his mind he says, “I told Jesper if I see him playing a single hand, I would fire him.” Wylan nods in response, and follows Kaz to the back room. 

Wylan's only job that night is to wait tables. It is a simple enough Job, and the rest of the time, Kaz lets him stand close by, so he can see and learn how everything works. He tries to focus on Kaz as best as he can, but Jesper draws all his attention away. Wylan doesn’t understand why he is so concerned with Jesper in the first place. His behavior honestly scares him. Sometimes after Wylan had done something to piss his father off, he would leave, and when he would come home, drunkenly yell at Wylan, and on some nights (most nights) worse. He should be scared of that happening, but he trusts that it won’t. Maybe because Kaz is close to Jesper, and surely Kaz wouldn’t put up with him if he acted that way. 

The night ends similarly to the previous night. Wylan helps Kaz drag a drunken Jesper back to the apartment and into his room. So much for cleaning up the bathroom. Wylan thinks to himself. Both of them get an earlier night, knowing they’d probably be awoken to Jesper hacking in the bathroom the next morning. 

Jesper manages to drag himself out of bed for his class early in the afternoon, with Wylan watching him leave. Jesper doesn’t even notice he’s there. Later that afternoon, after a short shift at the Crow Club, Wylan returns to the apartment to find Jesper studying. Wylan almost gasps at the sight, but he catches himself just before any noise comes out. Jesper doesn’t even look up at him. Relieved, Wylan starts towards the kitchen and makes himself a slice of toast. Suddenly, and seemingly for no reason, Jesper grunts, muttering small curses to himself, causing Wylan to jump, and his piece of toast to fall on the floor. Jesper's eyes widen, and his face goes completely red, before he quickly gets up, and runs out the door. Wylan feels his hands shaking. It didn’t seem that any of Jesper's frustration had been directed towards him at all, but that didn’t make him much safer. Still, he tries to ignore it. Wylan walks over to look at his work. Looking down at Jesper's paper he can immediately recognize the equations on the page. Physics. But he can also recognize that every one Jesper’s answers, and all of his shown work, are completely wrong. 

-------------------

Wylan wakes up that night to a loud thud. He rushes to his door, and opens it to see Jesper laying on the ground, conscious, but definitely blacked out. Wylan rushes to his side, and pulls out his phone to call Kaz. 

“Kaz.” Wylan rasps. 

“Yes?” He replies. Wylan tries to remember to breathe. 

“Jesper just passed out on the ground!” He shrieks. 

“Believable. He was getting pretty drunk again tonight. The other bartender actually cut him off like 2 hours ago but I think he may have gone somewhere else afterwards.” Replies Kaz. Wylan shakes Jesper, with Jesper mumbling incoherent sounds. 

“Kaz w-what do I do?” He cries again. Kaz sighs through the phone. 

“Look I'm not going to be back tonight, I have some other stuff I need to take care of, but just-” Kaz sighs again. “He should be fine so long as he’s responsive. Try to get some water in him or something. He’ll be fine,” he says, then hangs up. Wylan lets out a small whimper, before running to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. 

“Uh ok Jes uh- drink this” he says, attempting to get Jesper to open his mouth and drink the water. Once Jesper drinks a little bit of it, Wylan uses all the strength he can muster to move him to the bathroom. Placing him down on the floor, Wylan sits down next to him, and tries to give him more water. Jesper is only able to drink a few sips before he starts vomiting. Wylan simply leans over him, rubbing small circles in his back to help him get it all out. At some point, after a few hours of Wylan giving him water, and Jesper puking everything up, Jesper starts becoming aware of his surroundings again.

“Fuck,” Jesper whispers. leaning his head back against the wall. Wylan just watches him for a bit in silence. Then he speaks again. 

“Why are you still here? Shouldn’t you be asleep?” Jesper asks. 

“Probably,” Wylan shrugs. “I just didn’t want to leave you like this. I wanted to make sure you were going to be ok.” He says again, fidgeting with his sleeves. Jesper nods slightly with a guilty expression on his face. 

“I just kinda thought you hated me.” Jesper croaks out. Wylan stares at him again, unsure of how to respond. 

“I yknow, wouldn’t b-blame you” Jesper speaks up again. 

“I don’t hate you.” Wylan blurts out, before saying it again softer. “I don’t hate you.” Wylan watches as tears begin streaming down Jesper's face. His breath wavering slightly. 

“You should though. I’ve been so- so- so shitty,” He hiccups. “I shouldn’t have taken anything out on you. I mean it’s not your fault I'm probably going to g-get kicked out of university,” He whispers. Wylan just stares. Kicked out of university? 

“Why would you get kicked out of university?" Wylan asks. Jesper begins to manicly laugh, tears now spilling from his eyes.

“Because when something inside you feels deeply b-broken, even if your life is fine,  seemingly perfect even, and you have a shitty way of trying to fix whatever it is that's broken, it slowly ruins the good things you have going for you. You keep trying to ignore it, keep trying to run from it, but suddenly you’ve dug yourself too deep, no one is there to save you, and you are forced to confront the consequences.” Jesper is now sobbing. Not soft sobs, but deep, sorrowful wails. Wylan looks at him, tears beginning to form in his own eyes. 

“I hate it,” Jesper whispers softly, before moving to the toilet to throw up again. Wylan rubs circles again on his back, trying his hardest not to cry. When Jesper leans back again, he starts hitting his head against the wall. Wylan quickly places a hand behind Jesper's head so that he stops. 

“Jes, stop, you're going to hurt yourself.” Wylan says. Jesper exhales shakily. Wylan thought that Jesper was everything he had wanted to be. He saw Jesper as this confident young man, who was charismatic, and confident. Of all people Wylan never thought he’d relate to him. He never thought of Jesper as the kind of person to crack.

“I don’t know what to do. I just keep messing everything up,” whispers Jesper again. Wylan reaches for Jesper's hand, and Jesper allows him to take it. 

“What if, and it’s ok if you don’t want me to, but what if I helped you with your course work?” Jesper chuckles sadly. “You aren’t even a student.” Wylan tries not to let that comment hurt as much as it wants to. 

“Yeah but, I could try? I mean, it’s worth a shot right?” 

He looks at Jesper for an answer, but instead Jesper falls into his arms, and begins to sob again. He feels wary of the circumstance. After how his father used to treat him after a night of drinking, Wylan was sure he could never be in this close of a proximity to a drunk person alone, ever again. But at this moment, Wylan doesn’t see his father in Jesper. He sees himself, and Wylan knows what he would want in this situation. So Wylan wraps him in a hug, and holds him until they both fall asleep on the floor.

Chapter Text

POV Jesper 

When Jesper opens his eyes, he finds himself lying on the bathroom floor, his head in what he thinks might be the worst pain he has ever endured. He groans slightly and rolls upward, his eyes widening at the sight. Wylan, sleeping peacefully, with Jesper in his arms. Had he stayed here with him all night? Jesper wonders. He thinks back to what he can remember. He remembers getting completely fucked up at the Crow Club. He remembers arguing with the bartender because he was told he “reached his limit.” He remembers storming out and moving to another bar close by. So how did he end up here? He feels Wylan start to stir, and quickly moves to sit up so he can give him space. He watches as Wylan goes to rub his big blue eyes. He doesn't think he’s ever watched someone wake up in the morning with as much grace as this. Suddenly, Wylan notices him watching, and his face goes red. 

“Hey…” Wylan says, his voice cracking slightly. Jesper can feel himself blushing as well. 

“How did you sleep?” Jesper looks at him for a moment, trying to find any hint of having done something he would regret. He can see the remains of tear stains on his face. He takes a glance around the bathroom, noticing how everything feels sticky and smells foul. He groans again. 

“Fuck I’m sorry,” He responds. Wylan tilts his head slightly, then shakes it. 

“It’s fine, just- how are you?” Jesper looks at the boy, confused. Last, he properly spoke to Wylan, who had seemed pretty upset. And last, he had remembered seeing Wylan, he had been angry because he couldn't figure out his impossible physics assignment, and had scared the kid half to death with his overreaction. So why all of a sudden does he seem so concerned about his well-being? 

“I mean, my head feels like it’s going to explode at any second.” Wylan nods, his lips pressed into a thin line. 

“If you wanted to talk... about everything,” he starts, “but only if you want to.” He stares at Jesper intensely, seemingly waiting for some sort of response. Everything? What does he mean by everything? Jesper thinks to himself. 

“If you two loverbirds are done sleeping on the ground or whatever, I brought breakfast from the crow club for you both,” says Kaz. Jesper watches Wylan jump and then go as red as a tomato. Guess the merchling still isn’t used to Kaz’s subtle entrances. Huh. Merchling. Jesper rolls his eyes back.

 “Good morning to you, too, Kaz,” he replies. Kaz scowls at him. 

“Fahey, if I ever receive another call from anyone, telling me that you are barely conscious again-” Kaz doesn't finish that thought. He doesn’t need to. He watches Kaz look towards Wylan. 

“Wylan.” He says with a slight nod, before turning away. It may not seem like much, but from Kaz, that is as sincere an act of approval as anyone can receive. Jesper must have been really out of it for Wylan to have gotten this far onto Kaz’s good side, and himself this far onto his bad side. 

“Well, maybe we should-” Jesper cuts him off.

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” They both stand up, and Jesper feels his vision blur for a second. Wylan goes to steady him just as he reaches for the edge of the door frame. “Thanks,” he mumbles. Wylan doesn’t say anything, just steadies him out as they both make their way to the kitchen. 

When they arrive, Kaz is already gone, doing whatever Kaz does. They sit down on the stools, and Jesper reaches for a plastic bag with two to-go boxes inside. He removes them, placing one in front of Wylan and one in front of himself. Inside the box is a sunny-side-up egg, two pieces of buttered toast, and a couple of pieces of bacon. Ravenous after last night's activities, he begins to dig in. He turns to see Wylan looking down at the counter, Jesper’s physics paper sitting between them. Jesper freezes, the aftermath of last night finally returning to memory. University. He told Wylan that he was going to get kicked out of the University. He looks up slowly to Wylan, who is now staring at him. Jesper groans and slaps a palm to his face. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Asks Wylan. Jesper groans again.

“I told you… about…” He signals to the paper with his eyes. Wylan returns a sympathetic smile. 

“You forgot, didn't you?” Jesper returns to his breakfast, taking another bite of toast and chewing it very, very slowly. He glances over at Wylan, who is now staring down and kind of just picking at his untouched meal. 

“You know-” Wylan starts, “It’s ok if you need help with school. And I'd be happy to help you, if you want.” The rest of the hazy memory slowly clears. He remembers how upset he had been. How he admitted to Wylan that he actually really despises his life, and the way he chooses to keep himself moving. How Wylan had offered to help, and instead of returning an answer, cried himself to sleep in the boy's arms. He looks at Wylan again. 

“I mean, I don’t really know how much you’re going to be able to help out.” Wylan huffs. 

“Jesper, no offence meant by this, truly. It really is ok if you don’t want my help. I just worry that if I don’t help you, then no one else will, or you will dismiss anyone else who offers to try.” Jesper sighs. He knows he’s right. Some days, he believes that the only reason he doesn’t care if he fails is because he assumes that everyone expects him to. But other days, all he can think about is how disappointed everyone will be in him if he does. He bows his head down in shame. 

“I think everyone deserves to receive the support they need. Even if anyone else- or even if they themself- doesn’t believe they do.” Jesper meets Wylan's Gaze again. 

“Ok. Ok I- i’ll let you try to help me.” A small grin spreads across Wylan's face. “But just so you know,” Jesper begins again, “I’m practically a lost cause at this point. I know little to nothing from any of my classes.” Wylan nods along. 

“Th-that’s ok, we can start today, if you want.” Truthfully, Jesper didn’t want to start ever. But seeing as he was going to have to miss the last of his classes for the week due to the throbbing in his head, he figured he didn’t really have much of a choice. 

“Fine,” Jesper grumbles in response, before flopping his head down on the counter. 

---------------

Jesper walks back into the common room after fixing himself up. His head is still pounding so much that he can barely tell if his painkillers are working, but the cold shower he took helps a little bit. When he looks into the kitchen, he sees Wylan sitting down with Jesper's papers on the counter in his hand. 

“Are you ready?” Wylan asks. Jesper nods in agreement. He walks over to his bag and grabs the remainder of his papers and books, a notebook, and a few pens. 

“What classes are you taking right now?” he asks again. 

“Physics, chemistry, mathematics, intro to engineering, and general English.” Wylan nods. Jesper sighs. How on earth is Wylan possibly going to be able to help him with that? The University of Ketterdam has a fantastic engineering program, making the major one of the most rigorous. Of course, Jesper would have never chosen it for himself. It was his father who urged him to choose this subject.

“Well, let’s start with Physics since I've spent the past half hour looking over your work,” Wylan chuckles awkwardly. He takes one of Jesper's pens and opens up Jesper's notebook to reveal it’s practically untouched. 

  “Have you taken a single note all year?” He asks. Jesper laughs.

 “I mean, you tell me.” Wylan’s face moves into a frown, and Jesper immediately goes quiet. “Sorry, that’s probably not going to help you at all.” Wylan shakes his head. 

“Well, based on these formulas, it looks like you guys are going over centripetal acceleration. And looking at your work, I can only assume you have little to no clue how to solve for that.” Jesper’s mouth opens wider than he thinks it has ever opened in his entire life. He watches in awe as Wylan begins scribbling a bunch of formulas down into the pages of the notebook. When Wylan finishes, he looks back at Jesper, whose mouth is still agape. He goes red.

“How on earth do you just know all that off the top of your head? ” Jesper rasps out. Wylan begins fiddling with the sleeve of his sweater. “It’s just a couple of physics formulas you’ll end up needing. And I-” Wylan pauses. “When I was in secondary school, I was pretty good with numbers and equations and stuff.” 

Jesper watches Wylan, still in shock. “So is that it? You are just some secret undercover genius who doesn’t need uni?” Jesper asks in a joking manner. Wylan’s eyes are shot down, and Jesper immediately feels guilty. 

“Not really.” Wylan mumbles. Jesper can tell that Wylan isn’t up to discussing what he means by that.

“Don’t worry, I was teasing, but it’s cool that you can just, I don’t know, hold all these equations in your head, and know what to do with them when the time comes. You are kind of like the Kaz of math and science.” Wylan confusedly glances at Jesper. 

“What does that mean?” Wylan asks. Jesper grins and then laughs. 

“That means you are like, super intelligent!” Jesper exclaims. He focuses on Wylan, expecting him to look more excited, but instead, he almost swears that Wylan looks a bit sad. Wylan notices Jesper's expression shift and shakes his head. 

“It’s nothing crazy or special. Really. Let's just get on with the homework.” 

They spend the rest of the afternoon going over every one of the equations on Jesper's worksheet.  They keep having to backpedal to some of his first papers, just so he can solve everything the questions were asking him to.  Jesper finds himself feeling deeply embarrassed by how evident it is that he hasn’t paid attention in a single one of his classes. By the time they get to the last question, he is zoning out and floating into his own little world, and Wylan has to keep snapping in his face just to bring his attention back. 

“Come on, Jesper, it’s the last problem, and then you can have a break.” Jesper’s knee was bouncing a lot, and he kept clicking the tip of the pen a bunch. Wylan steps on Jesper's foot to keep his leg more steady. Jesper rubs his eyes and stares down at the worksheet again. 

“If you don’t mind me asking-” Wylan starts, “Why engineering? I mean, sure, it’s a useful field to study in, but it doesn’t seem to interest you very much.” Jesper sighs. 

“Da wants me to go into it. He’s a Jurda farmer, back at home in Novyi Zem. There aren’t many engineers back home, so the profession is basically worshiped. He worked really hard to give me this opportunity, in the hopes that I could be this whole success story for him, I guess.”  Wylan nods.

“Did you ever tell him that you don’t want to be an engineer?” Jesper shrugs. 

“It would probably be off with my head if I told him that.” Jesper chuckles. Wylan suddenly starts choking on air. Jesper rushes over to pat his back and offers Wylan a glass of water, which he accepts. 

“A-are you serious?” He croaks, once he can breathe again. Jesper laughs again. 

“No, no. It’s just an exaggeration. I don’t know how he’d react. I mean, if he found out that I wasn’t even trying, he’d probably be furious, but I didn’t actually mean that other part.” Something in Wylan eases slightly. 

“I just don’t want him to find out. I don’t want to disappoint him.” Jesper says quietly. Wylan goes quiet. 

“I understand,” He says sympathetically. They both go silent again. “Let’s finish this, and then we can be done for the day.” Jesper nods in agreement. 

----------------

The next morning, they meet on the couch to start more of Jesper’s coursework. Maths. Wylan truly seems to have a way with numbers. Every problem that Jesper can’t even begin to fathom how to solve, Wylan can show him how to solve it as if it were the easiest thing in the world. And the craziest thing is that Wylan remains incredibly humble, never making Jesper feel inadequate for not knowing how to solve the problems. If Jesper had been this naturally intelligent, he would be walking around making sure everyone knew it. But not Wylan. Jesper finishes a small equation that Wylan had taught him to solve, and he hands his work back to Wylan. Wylan’s eyes widen as he checks everything over. 

“How bad is it?” Jesper asks. Wylan looks back at him and smiles. 

“Jes, you got it right! Your work, your answer, it’s all correct!” Jesper smiles a big, triumphant smile back. Then he cocks his head a little. 

“Jes?” He asks. Wylan blushes slightly. 

“Sorry,” he responds, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know why I called you that, just… Forget I said that.” Jesper grins. 

“No, it’s ok, I don’t mind merchling.” Wylan chuckles. 

“Merchling?” He inquires. “What kind of a nickname is merchling?” Jesper teasingly kicks the side of Wylan's leg a little. 

“If you’re giving me a nickname, it only makes sense that I give you one too, and I think merchling has a nice kick to it.” Wylan scoffs and playfully pushes Jesper, who dramatically rolls off the couch. Jesper walks over to the kitchen, pours a box of crackers onto a plate, and brings it back to where they were studying. 

“A brilliant feast to celebrate my exceptional work on this math problem,” Jesper says in a goofy, and overly posh-sounding accent. Wylan slowly eyes the food as Jesper places it on the table, a slightly tense expression on his face. 

“We should keep studying,” Wylan says softly. Jesper frowns. 

“Come onnn,” Jesper begs. “We’ve been working all morning. I finally managed to learn something, and you're the one who had to struggle with me through it. We’ve earned these delectable crackers, as a reward,” He laughs again. Wylan stays silent for a moment, then smiles. 

“Yeah. Yeah, of course,” He says, and slowly reaches his hand to the plate to grab a cracker. Jesper watches as Wylan carefully breaks a tiny corner off the cracker before placing it in his mouth. 

“Is something the matter? I mean, I know it’s not much. We desperately need to grocery shop. Maybe we can run by the market tomorrow morning and pick up some stuff?” Wylan chuckles nervously, and his leg begins to bounce a little bit. 

“It's nothing.” He says, his voice coming out high-pitched and strained, before quickly shoving the rest of the cracker into his mouth and grabbing another one. “Mmmm,” he says, “Truly such a special treat we have here.” He tries to chuckle, but hardly any sound comes out. Jesper looks down and watches as Wylan's knee begins to bounce up and down, and his hands fidget with his sleeves.

“Ok,” Jesper says, chuckling forcefully after. “I mean, that’s good then. Nothing but the best for the brains of this operation.” That gets a laugh out of Wylan. 

“I mean, hardly.” Jesper Scoffs. 

“Hardly? This is the most I have understood anything all year, and not even a professor was able to help me figure it out. Seriously, Wylan, you’re incredible.” Wylan blushes a lot. Jesper laughs at this. 

“I’m serious. I have too big an ego to lie,” Jesper teases. Jesper reaches across the table to a Chemistry book. “Unless, of course, you are going to have to flake out on me because you are secretly terrible at chemistry.” Wylan smirks and playfully climbs over Jesper to grab the book from his long arm.

“Well, Jesper Fahey,” Wylan says as he grabs the book from Jesper's hand, “Chemistry may or may not be my secret talent.”

Chapter Text

POV Wylan 

Wylan may have a crush on Jesper Fahey. He didn’t think it would happen so fast, especially considering that two days ago, they weren’t exactly getting along. But it is a bit hard not to feel anything towards the tall Zemini boy. Besides his attractiveness and his natural flair, he also cannot stop showering Wylan with compliments. From the second Wylan opens the textbook and explains the terminology and equations needed, it becomes an infinite shower of praises. He keeps telling Jesper that it’s just chemistry, but Jesper seems to ignore the comment. He is far from believing he deserves the praise, but he guesses that Jesper has a point. It’s not exactly like chemistry is naturally easy, but to Wylan, it just makes sense. He just wishes that everything could come as easily to him as chemistry does. 

“Saints!” exclaims Jesper. “I’m actually getting it. Like I'm actually starting to understand some of what’s going on.” Wylan chuckles. 

“I’m so happy for you, Jes.” Jesper grins. 

“Wylan, you absolute beautiful life saver!” Jesper exclaims. He moves towards Wylan and gives him a joking kiss on the cheek. Wylan feels his cheeks go hot. Then, all of a sudden, Jesper grabs his hands, pulling up off the couch, and begins twirling him around in circles. 

“Jesper!” Wylan shrieks as Jesper begins picking him up off the floor. Jesper starts laughing and repeating “Merchling! Merchling! Merchling!” Whilst spinning him in a circle. Wylan giggles, looking straight into Jesper’s eyes. Suddenly, Jesper’s phone buzzes. He places Wylan down, both of their faces flushed, and both of them panting, whilst still laughing together. As Jesper reads the notification, his eyes widen. 

“Shit, Wylan, are you working tonight?” Wylan pauses.

“Fuck. Yeah, I am. What time is it?” He asks while scrambling for his phone. 

“4:30,” Jesper replies. 

“Shit, yeah, my shift starts at 5, I forgot,” Wylan says again, whilst beginning to head towards his bedroom to grab his work clothes.

“Yeah, I'm scheduled to. Maybe we can walk over together?” Asks Jesper. Wylan stops dead in his tracks and turns to Jesper. Work with Jesper? Now?

“That would be nice.” He replies. Then continues to his bedroom. Shit, Wylan thinks to himself. I know I would have seen him there anyway, but why tonight? As he begins to button his shirt, he pauses. Then he chuckles. When was the last time he had a crush? When was the last time he felt this normal? Probably not since he was a kid. Since before everything became… A lot. Normally, thinking about all of this would have shaken him, and he would have had to fight himself to stay in this moment. But right now, all he can do is grin ear to ear. Wylan Van Eck has a crush. He is pretty sure he has never been this over the moon. 

That is, until he emerges from his room and sees Jesper waiting for him, because that’s when he remembers what it actually means to have a crush. The yearning. The intense pining. The heartbreak when you realize that your crush is, in fact, very unobtainable. Wylan doesn’t even know Jesper’s sexuality, other than the fact that he had a girl sitting on his lap at the bar the other night. That doesn’t necessarily make him straight, but it also doesn’t make him not straight. 

“You ready?” Jesper asks with a grin. Wylan tries to suppress his nervousness. 

“Yep.” He replies. Jesper guides the two of them out the door and down the stairs of their apartment. Once outside, Jesper begins chatting a bunch. 

“I can’t believe the two of us finally have a shift together. I mean, to be fair, I’m pretty sure that two days ago we may have been borderline ready to tear each other's heads off. But now look at us. Two charming rogues of  Ketterdam, and even better partners and crime.” Wylan almost chokes at that last bit. “I mean, of course, you are the brains of the operation as we’ve already established. Possibly the heart as well? But I have the connections, and the social skills, and- no offence by the way.” Wylan looks at Jesper, trying desperately to keep his cool and act normal. He isn’t even sure he knows what normal is or how to act it, but he can try. 

“Don’t forget the looks!” Damnit, Wylan, seriously?! Definitely not the right thing to say. Jesper grins at him. 

“Hey, don’t sell yourself short, merchling. You may be the brains and the heart, but you aren’t so bad yourself.” Before Wylan even has the chance to respond, a small group of girls begins waving at Jesper, who grabs Wylan's arm and begins moving towards them. 

“Ladies,” Jesper winks and points finger guns at them. They parade Jesper with a bunch of hellos, all while flocking around him. Wylan almost wants to try to do the “ladies” thing himself. Then he remembers that, other than the fact that he would probably embarrass himself beyond saving, he is also in no way interested in them at all. 

“Who’s your little friend?” Asks one of the girls. Jesper slaps Wylan on the back, moving him forward. Wylan flinches. 

“This is Wylan. My roommate and coworker.” The girls start flocking him with “nice to meet you’s” and “awes”. He doesn't know how Jesper puts up with the attention. 

“He’s cute, Jessie!” One of them squeals. Jessie?  Wylan grimaces, then looks up at Jesper with an expression that he hopes is reading across as please get me out of here. Jesper seems to pick up what he’s thinking. 

“Anyways, it was lovely running into you all, but we have to get to work. See you later, yeah?” They all begin making pouty faces and waving him off. Once they are a bit away from them, Jesper sighs.

“Sorry you got dragged into that.” Wylan laughs. 

“It’s ok. Do you know them well?” Jesper shakes his head. 

“No, they’re just some girls from Uni. I’ve maybe hooked up with one or two of them. Can’t really remember. But at least we, or rather you, have proof that you aren’t as terrible looking as you think you are! Maybe I can send one of them your way. The one girl definitely thinks you’re cute, and I think you guys could be adorable together.” Wylan runs a hand through his hair and laughs embarrassingly. 

“Not that I'm really interested,” He mumbles under his breath. 

“What’d you say?” Wylan feels himself blushing. 

“Uhm, n-nothing,” Jesper says nothing in response to this and opens the door in front of them. In his five days of having his job at the Crow Club, Wylan thinks this may be the happiest he’s been to step foot inside. 

During their shift, they don’t talk much. Wylan waits tables again, while Jesper and Kaz work together at the bar. Everyone at the Crow Club seems to be familiar with Jesper. A lot of the people sitting at the bar are very friendly with him, but he can see the disapproving looks from some of the other gamblers. He tries not to think about the kind of trouble he’s caused with them too much. After about two hours, Kaz lets Wylan go on a break, which he spends the majority of doing nothing. 

“Wylan.” Wylan jumps. 

“Saints Kaz.” He replies. 

“How has everything been this weekend with Jesper?” Kaz asks. 

“Well, I didn’t have to call again.” Kaz raises an eyebrow at Wylan, so he continues. “I’ve been trying to help him catch up on his coursework. I think we might get groceries at the market tomorrow. I don’t know what he thinks, but I’d assume he’d agree that we are getting along more smoothly now.” Kaz nods and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small stack of kruge.

“I trust that you’ll use this for the groceries more than I trust Jesper,” He says before handing Wylan the money. Wylan swiftly hides the money away before glancing with a curious look towards Kaz.

“Where have you been the past few days?” He inquires. Kaz’s stare remains entirely deadpan, but he can almost make out a tiny crimson tint forming on his cheeks. 

“I’ve had something I’ve needed to attend to.” Wylan nods. “I’m glad Jesper's been ok for you.” Wylan nods again. Kaz eyes him up and down for a moment, then reaches into a box on a shelf beside him and pulls out a bag of pretzels. 

“Here.” He says, throwing them to him. “If you ever get hungry.” He says, tilting his head to motion towards the box. 

“Th-thanks.” Kaz nods before walking out the door. Wylan opens the bag and eats a few before returning to work. 

-------------------

“Are you ready to go?” Asks Jesper, pulling a light jacket over his shoulders. He turns to Wylan and gasps. 

“What? What's wrong?” Jesper laughs. 

“No, nothing, it’s just- since when do you wear glasses?” Wylan blushes. 

“Since forever ago, I just hate the way it feels wearing them. And I also feel a bit silly in them.” Jesper smiles. 

“I think that you- they really suit you,” Jesper says, running a hand through his hair. “Anyways, are you ready to head out?” Wylan nods, then remembers something.

“Oh yeah. Kaz gave me this,” He says, pulling the kruge out of his pocket. “He gave it to me for groceries.” Jesper’s mouth went slightly agape. 

“I’d say it’s shocking how he’s managed to trust you more in the 6 days he’s known you than the years I've known him, but who am I kidding? You are like a saint in his eyes.” Wylan chuckles. 

“I don’t know if saint is the right word. I can’t really tell if Kaz likes me all that much.” Jesper smirks at him. 

“Trust me. He likes you. It may be hard to tell because it is Kaz. But he’s definitely fond of you.” 

When they arrive at the market, they grab the basics. Two dozen eggs,  chicken, sausages, two bags of bread, a bag of rice, milk, and another bag of coffee. Jesper grabs a jar of honey since apparently Kaz is a big fan of chamomile tea with honey before bed. Wylan laughs at this. Kaz does not strike him as a tea drinker. They stop by the produce section to grab some more fruit. Jesper protests when Wylan starts grabbing some of the vegetables, but Wylan insists that he could use the vegetables to cook something tonight, so Jesper agrees. 

On the walk home, Wylan can’t help but marvel at Jesper. The way Jesper uses his whole body to talk, actively acting out everything he’s saying. The way Jesper’s eyes widen every time he overhears any gossip from the other pedestrians. The way he has no fear in stopping someone in the middle of the street to tell them that he loves their coat, or their bag, or their shoes. It all fascinates him. 

“Are you cold?” Asks Jesper. Wylan hadn’t even processed that he had been shivering. He had been so focused on Jesper. 

“Oh uh y-yeah I guess I am.” Jesper immediately starts wiggling his jacket off and offers it to Wylan. 

“Y-you don't have t-to do that. We are almost b-back anyway,” He insists. But Jesper ignores him and instead takes the grocery bags off of Wylan's arms and begins putting the jacket on him. 

“No, it’s ok, I insist. Don’t want my merchling getting cold.” My merchling, Wylan, repeats in his head. He blushes. 

“Thank you.” He says. Jesper smiles at him. 

“Anytime!”

For the rest of the day, Wylan helps Jesper study. Both his chemistry and maths teachers had sent out an email in the morning to remind their classes that they had exams the following day, which meant Wylan had to help Jesper pass two exams. He would be feeling slightly more confident if Jesper didn’t keep getting distracted. 

“Yknow, I have this crazy story from my algebra class in high school,” Jesper says. His leg is bouncing, and he keeps switching between cracking his knuckles, playing with his rings, and clicking the pen he’s holding. Wylan sighs. 

“Jes, you’re doing it again,” he says sympathetically. 

“But it’s a really great story. There was this girl and-” Wylan cuts him off. 

“I’m sure it’s a wonderful story. But you have to focus right now. Maybe you can tell me about it tomorrow after your exams.” Jesper frowns. 

“We’ve been studying for so long already, and I'm understanding more of it now. What if I just tell you this one really quick story and then we continue?” His leg starts bouncing quicker. 

“I know it’s been a long couple of days, but you have to start caring a bit more about passing these exams; otherwise, there's only so much I can do.” Jesper looks down and nods. 

“Alright, alright. But can we move on to chemistry now? I’m getting a bit tired of looking at all these algebraic equations, and it’ll be more entertaining to work on chemistry. You get so excited about it.” Wylan giggles. 

“Fine. But you have to promise to stay focused.” Jesper gives him a thumbs up as Wylan starts to reach for the textbook. 

“If you were to be in school,” Jesper starts, “would chemistry be what you would have studied. I mean, you are super great at it, and you are basically glowing whenever we work on it.” Wylan chuckles softly. 

“I do enjoy chemistry, I guess. But I don’t know if I would want to pursue it.” 

“Ok, well then, what would you want to study?” Asks Jesper. 

“I dunno. Maybe music.” Jesper’s eyes widen as he says this. 

“Music? Really?” If it had come from anyone else, it would have sounded like he was getting ready to pick on Wylan for his choice. But coming from Jesper, Wylan knew he was genuinely curious. 

“Y-yeah. Music was always my favorite thing to work on with- I mean, in school. I started when I was really little.” 

“Shit, you must be like, really good at it if you wanted to study it,” Jesper's looking at him intensely now. 

“I mean, I think I'm alright at it, I guess.” Jesper scoffs. 

“You think you are or you know? Because knowing what I know about you, you are probably some prodigy.” Wylan chuckles, but Jesper is completely serious. “You are always so modest. If you are good at something, you should say that you’re good.” Wylan stays silent for a bit, not knowing how to respond. “What do you play?” 

“Flute and piano. I started piano first, but I like the flute better,” Wylan responds. 

“Well, now you’ll have to show me a clip of you playing or something.” Jesper insists. 

“Only if you pass your exams, which we should be studying for,”  Wylan teases. Jesper immediately grabs his notebook and pen and begins solving the problems from the book. 

After working on chemistry for a couple of hours, Wylan starts to prepare dinner for them. Jesper, in the meantime, takes a shower. When Jesper returns to the kitchen, Wylan begins plating their food. Jesper eyes the meal, his mouth watering. 

“Saints Wylan, this looks incredible!” Jesper explains, digging in the second Wylan places the plate down. “Tastes incredible too,” he mumbles with food in his mouth. Wylan laughs, taking a bite of his own food. Jesper takes a second to finish chewing and licks his lips before looking back at Wylan. 

“Seriously, is there anything you can’t do?” Yes. Jesper continues. “I mean, you are an academic weapon, you are an incredible cook, and apparently, you happen to be this music prodigy on the side. You are actually brilliant.” Wylan just stares down at his plate, twisting his fork around in his food. Jesper goes quiet. 

“Am I?” Asks Wylan. Jesper looks at him, confused. 

“Uh, Yes. 100% Yes.” Wylan just nods. “What’s wrong?” Jesper asks. Wylan drops his fork harshly on the counter, which causes Jesper to flinch. 

“Nothing.” Wylan snaps. He immediately feels guilty, and he feels his leg start to shake. “Nothing's wrong, I'm fine,” He says tensely. Jesper is taken aback by this. 

“Well, sorry for even asking,” Jesper scoffs, before shoving the rest of the food in his mouth and trotting to his bedroom. Wylan flinches when the door slams. He didn’t mean to snap at Jesper. He doesn’t even feel angry. He just feels ashamed and afraid. Ashamed that Jesper thinks the world of him, and yet he has all these secrets about who he is and why he’s here, that he’s hiding from Jesper. And afraid of what Jesper will think of him when the truth comes out. He feels his stomach start turning into knots, and his eyes begin to water. He takes his plate and puts it in the fridge, along with the rest of the leftovers. He feels his breathing hitch, and his hands shaking. Tears beg to come out, but he shuts them down. Don’t cry, he repeats over and over in his head, as he goes into his room and curls up into bed. 

-------------------

Fighting off the tears is no easy feat. So after an hour of holding them off, he decides to venture to the kitchen to get a glass of water. When he opens the door, he stops dead in his tracks as he watches Jesper, with a jacket on, about to open the door. 

“Jesper?” Wylan asks? Jesper goes frozen, before turning to face Wylan, his eyes widening. “Where are you going?” Wylan is sure he has a pretty good clue, but he can’t help but ask. 

“Shit,” Jesper croaks. He could have lied. He could have told Wylan that he was running to the store, or going on a walk, or any other possibility. But instead, Jesper remains completely speechless.

“You were going to go to a club, weren’t you?” Jesper’s shoulders slump. 

“Just for one game. Maybe a drink or two.” Wylan walks over to him. 

“Jesper, you can’t. You have a maths test tomorrow morning, you can’t miss it. You know that.” Jesper frowns. “I know I just-” Jesper’s voice trails off. In any other context, Wylan wouldn’t have been so brave as to make a move like this, but he needed to make it clear that he wasn’t going to abandon Jesper. He slowly moves his hand to grab Jespers. 

“I know,” Wylan says. Jesper blinks at him with tears in his eyes. “I know.” Wylan can tell Jesper is fighting it. His whole body starts swaying, his gaze shifting downwards. Wylan carefully takes Jesper's other hand and leads him towards the sofa, his gaze steady on his eyes. 

“I feel like I need it, you know?” He says shakily. “It feels like electricity running through my veins when I sit down at the wheel. It ignites something in me.” He looks back at the door, his leg bouncing aggressively. “If I could just play one game. I wouldn’t even have to get drunk.” 

“Jesper-” Wylan pauses, pondering what to say next, knowing the words he chooses are crucial. “I understand, but I also know that you know that the urge isn’t the real problem, just how you’re choosing to treat the issue. And I know that you know deep down that you are tired of that being the solution. I’m only here to help you, but I can’t if you don’t tell me what you are actually feeling.” Jesper stays silent for a moment, fidgeting with his sleeves. He takes a long, shaky breath before speaking up. 

“I’m worried about the test,” Jesper starts, Wylan nodding along. “I know I don’t love uni, but I care about staying there. For my Da. I’m scared I’ve fucked everything up beyond repair. Like, what if this weekend wasn’t enough time to make up for everything, and I don’t do good enough this semester to stay?” Jesper tightly shuts his eyes and shakes his head. “I thought, if I just distract myself, I could forget about it and then it would feel better.” 

“But you know that it won’t help anything, don’t you?” Wylan asks. Jesper nods and releases another shaky sigh. He looks back towards the door again, then back to Wylan. 

“When you got mad at me- I didn’t mean to snap back, I was just stressed about everything, and I took it out on you. It felt like I needed to do something to make everything feel ok again.” Wylan suddenly feels a deep pang in his chest. 

“I’m sorry,” Wylan says. “You have every right to be worried, and I know that how I acted earlier didn’t exactly diffuse the worry.” Jesper meets Wylan's eyes again. Wylan continues. 

“I wasn’t angry at you. In fact, it had little to do with you. I just directed what it was about to you. And that isn’t fair.” Jesper releases a sad chuckle. 

“Well, I guess we are even. I mean, for taking our shit out on each other." Wylan smiles sympathetically. 

“Yeah, I guess we are.” Jesper smiles too, before his expression turns sad again.

“Maybe, we need to figure out a small plan. So that way you don’t feel tempted to drink, or gamble, or any of that stuff, and you can have a more productive focus on what matters,” Wylan suggests.

“Ok,” Jesper replies. “What are you thinking?” Wylan hums, his brows furrowing. 

“Maybe when we take more breaks? Or, after your exams for this quarter are over, we start finding less rigorous ways to study? That way, studying doesn’t feel like too much of a chore.” Jesper nods along. “We can also find more productive hobbies that can still help you release any energy you might have left over. We can make a list of things that help.” 

“Ok. We can try,” replies Jesper. 

“And if you ever feel like you really want to gamble, or get drunk, or bring a random girl home to distract you from your studies, just tell me. And we can talk about it. Maybe do something to help the feeling pass together.” Jesper squeezes his hand tightly and smiles at him. Wylan fights the urge to blush. Then Jesper furrows his brows. 

“Wait. Did you say no girls?” Wylan chuckles, and Jesper groans. “Ugh, where’s the fun in that?” Wylan rolls his eyes. Jesper moves forward to playfully shove Wylan. 

“Oh, you are going to regret that.” Says Wylan before moving to shove Jesper back. Jesper grabs a pillow off the couch and throws it at Wylan. Suddenly, they begin having a heated pillow fight. 

“What are you two doing?” Kaz asks coldly as he shuts the door behind him. Wylan goes bright red, and he suddenly sees a pillow fly over his head and heading Kaz’s direction, but it misses. Jesper chuckles. 

“You have terrible aim,” Kaz says monotonously. 

“Only because I value my life,” Jesper winks. “Let’s face it. If that pillow had hit you, I would have been dead meat.” Kaz’s face remains unchanged. Then he smirks. 

“I’ve taught you well,” He replies. Jesper grins at him. “But seriously, no more. I’m not looking to replace anything that was never meant to be broken in the first place,” he replies before walking off. Jesper and Wylan turn back to each other and begin laughing before they start cleaning up their mess. They head off towards their bedrooms once the mess is cleaned up. Wylan walks past Jesper as he opens his door. 

“Thanks, Wylan.” 

Jesper’s door shuts. Wylan doesn’t look back, but as he opens the door to his own room, he smiles softly to himself. You're welcome, Jesper Fahey.

Chapter Text

POV Jesper 

Jesper wakes up hours before his test. He can’t even remember the last time he woke up this early, but he can’t fall back to sleep. He is so worried about his exams today that his body won't let him. Accepting this, he gets up and wanders to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. When he steps out of his room, his eyes land on Wylan, who is eating an apple. Wylan turns to face him and smiles. 

“Good morning!” Wylan chirps. Jesper studies him. His tight curls are slightly askew from sleeping, and his eyes are bright, with little dimples on his cheeks. Jesper smiled back. 

“Good morning,” he replies, with a few voice cracks in the word morning. Wylan giggles. 

“This is early for you,” he teases. Jesper smirks. 

“Typically, I'd try to be a smartass and argue with you. But because you are right, and it is extremely early for me to be up, I’m not even going to try.” This gets a laugh out of Wylan. Jesper wanders over to the coffee machine. 

“Why are you up so early anyway? I thought you’d be resting.” Jesper chuckles. 

“Couldn’t sleep,” he says, rubbing a hand to the back of his neck. Wylan stares at him. 

“Are you still worried about today?” Jesper sighs. 

“I’ve known for a while that I've been nearing the point of flunking out, but I just kept running from it, I guess? Clearly? I don’t know. When my professors started saying it, that’s when it started to click.” Wylan nods understandingly. 

“It is going to go great. and if it doesn’t, we’ll figure it out, ok?” We’ll figure it out. Jesper’s shoulders release. 

“Ok-” he pauses. “I’m just still really worried that there’s nothing I can do to fix it.”

“Well, all you can do right now is try your best, ok?” Jesper grabs the now-filled mug and begins to drink it. 

“Ok.” Jesper chuckles against the rim before taking a sip. “What will you give me if I pass?” Wylan scoffs. 

“Oh, I didn’t realize you were under the assumption that you were going to get something out of this,” Wylan smirks. 

“Well, only if I pass, obviously.” Wylan takes a second to ponder. 

“How about I take you out to ice cream. My treat.” Jesper smiles. 

“It’s a date.” He watches Wylan blush slightly, but refrains from laughing.

“You’re up early.” 

“Saints Kaz!” Jesper jumps, causing Wylan to laugh. 

“Just making an observation,” replies Kaz, who wanders to the kitchen and fixes himself a bowl of cereal. 

“If you must know,” starts Jesper, “I have a maths exam this morning, and a chem exam this afternoon. I just wanted to be ready.” Kaz’s eyebrows raise. 

“Really?” Jesper nods. “Never thought I’d see the day.” Jesper scoffs. 

“Rude,” He replies, as Kaz shrugs his shoulders, quickly finishing his breakfast and wandering towards the door. 

“See you later, guys.” He turns to Jesper. Jesper goes rigid. “And you-” Jesper feels his heart begging to race. What is Kaz going to murder me for? Did I forget something? Did something break and I didn’t notice? 

“Good luck with your exams.” Jesper's jaw drops as Kaz walks out the door. 

“Did he just tell me good luck?” Wylan snickers. Jesper notices his heart still racing and his hands beginning to shake. He stares down and his now finished cup of coffee. 

“Saints, why did I drink coffee?” He groans, running a hand over his face. He turns to Wylan. 

“Why are you up this early?” 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Wylan stares at Jesper’s hands, which are now buzzing. “You should take a shower and play some music. It might help relax you.” Jesper nods and immediately starts heading towards the bathroom. 

He takes a hot shower for 20 minutes. He knows Kaz will end up complaining about his water usage, but if he takes shorter showers for the next couple of days, maybe he can make up for it. His shower definitely helps a little to ease his nerves, but he still feels anxious about today. He goes back towards his room as Wylan heads for the shower. By the time Jesper is done choosing his outfit for the day, Wylan is already back in the kitchen, dressed in his work clothes and ready for the day. 

“Did the shower help?” Wylan asks curiously. Jesper shrugs. 

“A little, but I still feel like crap.” Wylan's expression shifts. He reaches into the fruit basket for a banana and throws it at Jesper. 

“Eat this. It’ll help having something in your stomach, especially after the coffee.” Jesper stares down at it.

“I think if I eat this, I'll be sick.” Wylan shakes his head. 

“You should at least try.” Jesper stares down at the fruit in his hands. “I don’t have to be at the Crow Club until 10:30. So maybe we can go on a walk? It might help distract you a little bit.” Jesper looks at him and smiles. 

“Are you sure? I mean, if you didn’t sleep well-”

“I insist,” replies Wylan, who stands up and wanders to grab his jacket. Jesper peels the banana and takes a few bites. The first two were difficult to swallow, but Wylan was right: the food really did help his jitters. Jesper grabs his bag and gathers his book and papers from the living room, neatly placing each one in, glancing over each one as he does. Jesper didn’t even think it was possible for him to worry this much about school. I guess he still has a lot to learn about himself.

“You ready?” Asks Wylan. 

“Yep, or at least I hope so!” Jesper replies nervously. Wylan chuckles. 

Once they are outside, Jesper starts to feel his worry lessen. The weather is actually decent given the Octobers in Ketterdam are typically groggy and rainy. They walk in silence for a little bit, and while Jesper typically would hate the silence, focusing on the other sounds around him is exactly what he needs to help him relax. The comfort of Wylan being there with him is also helping a lot.

“I’m so used to missing my morning classes that I kind of forgot how nice mornings are,” says Jesper. Wylan hums. 

“You grew up on a farm, right? Were the mornings there nice?” Jesper smiles. 

“Yeah, they were. Spring mornings were my favorite. Everything was so green and lush, and the weather was just right. Not the bitterness of the winter, or the sluggish heat of summer. Every spring, I would practically run out of bed every day and wake my Ma and Da up so we could go outside and watch the sunrise.” 

“It sounds lovely,” Wylan says softly. 

“Yeah. Yeah, it was.” Jesper pauses. “The first spring after my Ma died, I didn’t bother to wake up my Da anymore. I still got up early-ish to help him around the farm. But neither one of us made a move to ask the other to watch the sunrise.” Wylan stares at Jesper. “I think we just didn’t want to accept that doing it again meant doing it without her.” 

“I’m so sorry, Jes,” says Wylan. Jesper fidgets with his sleeve. 

“It’s ok, I mean, she died when I was 7, nearing 8, so it’s been a while. I still miss her a lot.” Wylan bites his lip and looks down. 

“When my mom died, I didn’t play piano for a year.” Jesper goes silent, eyeing the boy. “She was a painter. She taught me how to paint. It was fun, but I don’t think I was, or will ever be, as good as she was.” Wylan pauses a moment, then continues. “She played Violin as a kid. She always joked that she wasn’t very good, but I think she was being humble. And even if she wasn’t the best player of all time, she was perfect to me because she was my mom.” Jesper starts to see tears beading in Wylan's eyes. “After she would finish painting for the day, and I would finish my homework, she would grab her violin, and I would sit at the piano. We would play duets together until I’d start getting tired. She would scoop me up, carry me to my room, and tuck me into bed.” Jesper places a sympathetic hand on Wylan's shoulder, and Wylan takes a deep breath. 

“She sounds wonderful, Wylan,” Jesper says. Wylan's eyes were still glistening, but no tears were falling. 

“Yours as well.” 

By the end of their walk, they arrive at the outside of the building of Jespers' first class. Wylan’s eyes dart around from one building to the next, in awe of how lively the campus is with all the students. Jesper’s nerves, while calm for the walk, begin creeping in again. 

“Well, this is it.” Jesper sighs. And Wylan squeezes his hand. 

“You are going to do great. You just have to trust yourself.” Jesper nods. “And just remember, an ice cream date (he chokes on the word date, Jesper notes) is on the line.” Jesper smiles. 

“Yes, of course. I have to ace it now, I wouldn't want to lose that opportunity.” Wylan goes bright red. He waves his hand towards Wylan, trying to keep his cool, but his insides are churning, and he is sweating profusely. Wylan waves back and turns around, meaning Jesper’s only choice is to head into the building. 

He steps into class right at 10. The teacher begins handing out papers, making a sour expression towards Jesper. Jesper keeps his head down, staring down at his paper, his leg shaking aggressively beneath the desk.

“And you may begin.” 

Jesper stares at the questions, his mind fogging. He clicks the top of his pen a bunch, which causes a few students to grunt his direction. Come on, Jesper, it’s just algebra. Wylan taught you how to do this, he thinks to himself. He looks at the first question, but the numbers all begin blurring together. All of a sudden, he remembers and takes a deep breath. Step one: Start with the parentheses. Jesper begins doing the math within the parentheses, then thinks of the next step. Step two, the exponents. He works his way through his checklist of steps until he completes the first problem. I did it, he thinks, a huge grin spread across his face. I actually did it. 

Jesper finishes just as class ends. Some of the problems towards the end got a bit more complex. But this is definitely the most confident he has ever been walking out of an exam. He feels the tightness in his chest from earlier begin to subside. Now all he has to do is get through chemistry later. Because he has time to spare, he decides to text one of his closest friends. 

Jesper: Do you want to meet me at the cafeteria for lunch? 

Nina: YES! Also, where the hell have you been? I haven’t seen you in like 5 years?!

Jesper: Dramatic much. It’s been like two weeks. 

Nina: Whatever. Also, can I bring Mathias? Actually, don’t even answer, I'm bringing him anyway. 

20 minutes later, Jesper meets Nina and Matthias for lunch. Nina has to meal swipe him in since he no longer lives on campus, but she’s happy to oblige. Jesper thanks the saints he doesn’t believe in every day that he doesn’t eat on the meal plan anymore. He forgot how dreadful the food is. 

“So, you can’t imagine my shock when the one and only Jesper Fahey decided to FINALLY text me after not hearing from him forever. And then I find out that he actually went to his class?! I almost passed out,” Nina exclaims, causing Matthias to laugh. Jesper chuckles shyly. 

“Yeah, haha, I need to get my grades up, I’m failing almost every class.” Matthias chokes. 

“Every class?” He asks. Jesper frowns. 

“Maybe…” 

“Jesper, that’s terrible,” Nina shrieks, as she takes a bite of her pastry. Jesper throws a palm into his face. 

“I know, I know. But it’s ok, my third roommate, as of about a week ago, and my friend, as of probably not a week ago, have been helping me study.” They both nod. 

“That’s nice! What does he study?” Asks Nina. 

“Oh, h-he’s not a student. But he's incredibly smart. Like, he actually might be a genius. He happens to be good at just about everything. Plus, Kaz likes him. Like Kaz is genuinely fond of his presence." Nina’s eyes stare back at him in awe. 

“Kaz approves of him? Oh, Jesper, you'll have to let us meet him at some point. He sounds amazing.” Jesper smiles. 

“Yeah. Yeah, he is.” 

After having lunch with Nina and Matthais, Jesper heads off to his chemistry class. Going into the class, he was nervous, but similarly to the algebra, he just thought back to Wylan and what he had taught him. Each step he had to follow, each variable in the equation he had to figure out. Though he found the chemistry test to be harder than his maths exam, he still feels more confident about it than he could have ever imagined. As he walks out of the class, his chemistry teacher gives Jesper a look that says, You better have taken this seriously. Jesper doesn’t even care, though. Because all that matters is that he actually feels confident about the work, and it is all thanks to Wylan. He can’t wait to tell him how good he feels about the tests.

When Jesper opens the door, he is greeted by Wylan sitting at the breakfast bar with a mug in his hand. 

“Coffee this late into the day?” He asks. 

“Tea,” Wylan replies. Jesper giggles. 

“Saints, who are you? Kaz?” Wylan rolls his eyes. 

“Kaz isn't the only one who drinks tea, you know.” He replies. Jesper laughs. 

“So how did it-” 

“It went well,” Jesper blurts before Wylan can finish. “Sorry, sorry. I was just so excited to tell you about it.” Wylan nods in amusement. Jesper tells Wylan everything about the exams. About how he freaked out, and thought he was going to forget everything, but then he remembered, and it all made sense to him, and that for the first time since starting university, he actually felt like he was understanding what he was doing. Wylan’s grin slowly stretches as Jesper keeps talking. 

“Jesper- that’s amazing!” He says, standing up to hug Jesper. Jesper steps towards him, picks him up, and spins around in a circle until they are both dizzy. He places Wylan down, and they both take a moment to collect themselves from all the laughter. They look towards each other, and Wylan moves forward and hugs Jesper, for real this time.  Jesper jumps a little at the spontaneity, but then carefully places his hands around Wylan.

“I’m so proud of you,” Wylan whispers, so softly that if he had spoken any quieter, Jesper would have missed it. 

“Thank you,” Jesper whispers. 

-------------------

Two days later, Jesper walks into his maths class. Jesper thought that taking the test was the most stressful part. No one had warned him that waiting for his grades, or rather his impending doom, would be even more stressful. Wylan kept trying to distract him as much as he could, but even Wylan couldn’t shift his focus away from this. Jesper is typically one to be able to keep his cool, but not when it comes down to an exam that is crucial in determining his ability to remain at the university. Jesper finds a free desk and sits down, his head down. When the clock hits 10, the teacher shuts the door, grabs a stack of papers off his desk, and begins to hand them out. His eyes follow each paper as it falls onto his peers' desks, his nerves threatening to swallow him whole. Finally, his teacher reaches him, and he slowly looks up to meet his teacher's gaze. 

“I don’t know how you managed this.” Jesper closes his eyes and bites his lip. This is it. It’s over. I’m- 

“Well done, Mr. Fahey.” 

B+. A B+?! Jesper can hardly believe his eyes as he stares down at his paper, to a red B+ right at the top. He smiles. He smiles so hard he is sure his face will hurt later. He knows Wylan is off from work today, and his class ends at 12, so they will have the rest of the day to celebrate. He tries to focus through the rest of class, even taking notes since Wylan insisted it would help him retain the information, but he is so ecstatic that he can’t even think straight. The second his professor dismisses him, he bolts out the door and runs through the halls, out of the building, away from campus, and all the way to his apartment door. He simply can’t wait to tell Wylan to celebrate with him and to thank him for all of his help. 

“Guess who you owe an ice cream date to?” Jesper chirps as he enters the door. Silence. He drops his bag off by the door and scans the common area. Wylan is nowhere to be seen. Jesper starts to walk towards the direction of their rooms. Maybe Wylan had gone to the bathroom or taken a nap. However, as he nears Wylan’s door, he hears a small whimpering noise coming from his room. 

“Wylan?” Jesper knocks. Nothing. He begins to worry. 

“Wylan? Is everything ok in there?” Still nothing. Jesper’s worry turns to panic. He tries the door handle, but the door is locked. Jesper hears another soft whimper come from the room. Without hesitation, he throws himself into the door, causing it to fly open. He catches himself before he falls, and looks at Wylan sitting against the edge of his bed, panting like he had just run a marathon. He quickly stumbles over to him. 

“Wy, it’s ok, it's all ok,” Jesper says, crawling to the floor next to him. He doesn’t know what to do to help him. He looks at the boy. His eyes are completely glazed over, but somehow filled with fear all at the same time. He’s clutching at his chest, and his whole body is shaking. 

“Wy, is it ok if I touch you?” Wylan shakes his head no. “Uh- uhm ok uh, listen to my voice ok? I’m not going to leave you. I am right here, you are safe. I am here.” Wylan nods, his breathing still coming out in uneven short breaths. 

“Can you tell me what you can see right now?” Jesper is freaking out, but tries to remain as calm as possible. Wylan stutters a few times, the words turning into hiccups or incoherent noises. “Sh, sh it’s ok, take it slow.” 

“T-the c-c-clos-set.” 

“Ok, something else.” Wylan struggles to speak, his breathing suffocating him. He whimpers again, clutching his chest more frantically than before.

“It’s ok, Wylan. You are safe. Take your time.” Jesper repeats. Wylan turns his head. 

“T-the Window.” Jesper nods and takes a deep breath. Wylan tries to mimic it, but it comes out choppy and disoriented. “The ch-ch-chair,” Wylan mumbles, still trying to match Jesper's breathing. Jesper notices the breathing starting to slow, and Wylan's eyes start to become more aware. Jesper continues guiding him through breathing slowly, trying to get Wylan to mimic him. Wylan's breathing starts to relax even more, but he is still shaking everywhere. 

“Wy do you want me to get you water or anything?” Jesper watches him cautiously. 

“N-no, please stay,” Wylan whispers. “C-can you hold m-my hands? I c-can’t feel them.” Without hesitation, Jesper scooches closer and takes Wylan's hands in his own. Wylan leans his head back against the side of the bed. Jesper can feel Wylan’s hands vibrating in his own, so he squeezes them a bit tighter. He continues breathing deeply so that Wylan can follow. After a few moments, Wylan takes one of Jesper’s hands and places it on his chest. Holding his hand there, they continue to breathe there together. After a few more minutes, Wylan’s breathing becomes gentler, and his shaking eases. Wylan releases Jesper’s hand, closes his eyes, and takes a few more deep breaths on his own. Jesper remains on the floor, watching him carefully. When he opens his eyes, they are filled with tears. Jesper waits for them to fall, but they don’t, and Jesper can tell he’s fighting it.

“Wy?” Jesper says softly. Wylan turns his head towards Jesper. “You are allowed to cry, you know. You don’t have to hold it in anymore.” 

As if permission was what he had been waiting for, Wylan falls into Jesper's arms and begins to sob. Jesper runs a hand through his red curls, and down to his back, whispering “shhh” and “it’s ok” and “you’re safe” over and over again. He feels Wylan’s tension ease slowly into his arms. He doesn’t know how long they sit like that. He doesn’t care. He just holds Wylan and lets him cry. 

“I’m sorry,” Wylan whispers into his chest. 

“For what?” Jesper replies. Wylan sniffles.

“For this. For me.” Jesper strokes his head, tears now streaming down his face too. 

“Never apologize for this. Or for you. Never again.” Wylan doesn’t respond, and Jesper doesn’t say anything else. Other than the small sniffles escaping both of them, they sit in complete silence. Unlike most silences, Jesper doesn’t mind this one.

Chapter Text

POV Wylan 

It started right after Jesper had left for his morning class, when he had noticed a small pile of mail that Kaz must have brought in early this morning before he left. He doubted there would be anything of importance, specifically anything about him, and from the looks of it, the pile was mostly a bunch of useless ads, and possibly a bill or two. However, at the bottom of the pile, there was a bigger envelope that caught his attention. Allowing his curiosity to get the better of him, he removed the envelope and nearly choked when he saw it. His father’s logo is in the top right corner. He felt a sudden wave of dizziness come over him. How? How did his dad know where he was? He had only been gone a little over a week, but it didn’t make sense. 

He tried not to let it bother him. He hid the letter under his mattress and tried as best as he could to ignore the anxiety he was now feeling. However, an hour later, he checked his phone and realized he had missed a call from an unknown caller from after he had fallen asleep the previous night. He was about to delete it, with the assumption that it was a spam call, but when he saw that it was about five minutes long, he decided to listen. It started as a few incoherent mumbles, and the voice was almost impossible to make out, until he heard it. His dad. He sounded drunk, almost unrecognizable. Less proper than he would usually hold himself. But still menacing, as the voicemail had been left berating him, telling him to come home so his consequence wouldn’t be as painful. He knew he shouldn’t have kept listening, that he could have turned it off, but he sat for all 5 minutes. 

By the end of the voicemail, he felt like he was drowning. In each place his dad had ever hurt him, he felt like pins and needles. His hands began shaking, and his breathing began to become shallow. It didn’t matter how much he tried to convince himself he was safe here and that he had escaped. He wouldn’t ever be able to escape Jan Van Eck. 

And now Jesper is holding him. And he is comforting him. And he is telling Wylan that he is safe. And Wylan lets him, until he remembers the latter. His dad knows where he is. He could come, and Wylan wouldn’t be able to escape. He jerks away. 

“Wylan, it’s ok,” Jesper says, moving to comfort him again. Wylan flinches, and Jesper immediately retreats, giving him space. 

“I-I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.” Jesper frowns. 

“Don’t apologize, Wylan, you did nothing wrong.” Wylan stays silent, fiddling with the sleeve of his sweater. Do you want to talk about it? If you’re comfortable?” He closes his eyes and fights the urge to break down again. He had been so comfortable with Jesper only a few minutes ago, but one thought of his father's letter and message left him shaken all over again. How can he know he is safe? How does he know Jesper is safe? Wylan takes a deep breath. I mean, surely Jesper wouldn’t have held him and been so careful with him if he wanted to hurt Wylan, right?

“It’s-” He stops and bites his lip. Jesper’s eyebrows furrow. 

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, Wy.” Jesper reaches for his hand, which he accepts. He takes a deep breath. 

“It’s just.. My father... h-he wants me to come home.” Jesper stares at him for a moment, as if trying to understand. 

“You mean.. He’s offering you a place to come home to, right? Isn’t that a good thing?” Wylan fiddles with his sleeve. 

“It’s not like that, it’s-” His voice trails off. “Complicated.” 

“Ok, well, either way you don’t have to go home, I mean, you are paying to live here, and you have a job, and you’re an adult.” 

“Yeah, I know.” His leg starts to shake. Jesper places a firm hand on his knee to calm it down. 

“No matter why it’s complicated, he doesn’t have control of power over you. He doesn’t get to make you live at home if you’d rather the independence and-” 

“My father is Van Eck.” Wylan blurts before thinking. Jesper’s eyes widened. “H-he's Jan Van Eck. My name is Wylan Van Eck.” He turns away, shielding himself from Jesper, preparing himself for Jesper’s anger. 

“Is that why you had all the Kruge to pay Kaz? Because you have money?” Wylan shakes his head. 

“No, I’ve never seen an ounce of any Kruge that may be mine. If I ever received any as a gift, or any of my Mom’s inheritance, I wouldn’t know.” Wylan looks to Jesper. He can tell that a million questions are floating around his mind, waiting to come out, but instead, Jesper just nods. Wylan wishes he could know what Jesper is thinking, or if Jesper is angry about Wylan hiding his identity. After all, it is a pretty big deal. His father is one of the wealthiest people in Ketterdam, and the Van Eck name is recognizable to anyone. It is a pretty big deal that he has been able to hide it from Jesper at all.

“So you stole the kruge from him?” Wylan's cheeks flush. 

“Yeah? I guess. I didn’t really know what else to do.” Jesper smirks. 

“Maybe you are more barrel-like than I thought.” This gets a small laugh out of him. 

“There you are again. Glad to have you back, Merchling.” Any question that he was expecting Jesper to ask, he didn't. Jesper stands up and reaches a hand to him, helping him to his feet. He wouldn’t be mad if Jesper were to get angry at him or wanted to interrogate him with loads of accusations and assumptions, but he did none of those things. Wylan is grateful, of course, not knowing if he could talk more about why he had to leave, or what it was like living with his father without having another breakdown. He is just glad Jesper is here and that he isn’t alone. Jesper drags him to the kitchen and grabs him some water to drink, before pulling him over to sit on the couch. 

“So-” Jesper starts, “I got a B+ on my algebra exam.” Wylan's eyes widen. 

“Jesper!” He exclaims. He moves towards Jesper and wraps him in a hug. “That’s amazing! I knew you could do it.” 

“Yeah, well, it’s all thanks to you. Without you, I probably would have bombed it.” 

“I helped, but you still had to put in the work. You earned that grade.” Wylan squeezes him tighter, and they stay there for a moment before pulling apart. 

“I came looking for you earlier to tell you, and to ask if you wanted to go out for ice cream, but-” His voice trails off, and Wylan frowns.

“You were having a good day and I ruined it, I’m so s-” But before he can finish that sentence, Jesper claps a hand over his mouth. 

“Nope. No more apologies allowed.” He removes his hand, and Wylan doesn’t speak. 

“We can still go, I mean, maybe it will help? Only if you’re up to it,” Jesper suggests. Wylan shakes his head. 

“No, sorry, I just- It’s supposed to be a reward for you, and I don’t want to ruin it by being a downer.”

“Yeah, of course, no worries, maybe we can plan for like Friday evening or something.” Wylan nods. He can tell Jesper is worried, and he wants so badly to tell him everything. Everything about the letter, and about the voicemail. Saints may be even about what it was really like in the Van Eck household. But he knows all of that leads back to him being defective and broken. Jesper thinks the most of his intelligence, praising him for everything all the time, and he isn’t sure he’s ready to ruin that. Selfishly, he just wants to live as normal a life as he possibly can for right now, without thinking about how everything will change once Jesper realizes that he isn’t as smart as he’s led him to believe. He places his head on Jesper’s shoulder. 

“Do you want to watch a movie or something? We have like a million DVD’s but Kaz and I haven’t watched anything together since summer break, so they are currently tucked away collecting dust.” 

“Sure,” he replies, hoping it will be a good distraction from his thoughts. Jesper grabs the box of DVDs and begins rummaging through them. They have a wide array of romances, action movies, and comedies (Which he can safely assume are mostly Jesper’s) and thrillers, and true crimes (Which he assumes are Kaz’s). In the end, Wylan allows Jesper to pick, to make up for the reward he was supposed to receive, and he ends up picking The Notebook, which he has no complaints about since it has Ryan Gosling in it. 

“You’re blushing,” Jesper teases when they get to the iconic rain scene. He hadn’t even realized he was. He starts covering his face and sinking into himself. Jesper laughs at him. 

“It’s ok, I won’t judge,” Jesper says. They continue watching the scene. “Allie is a pretty girl.” Wylan hits him on the head with a pillow. 

“No, definitely not. I definitely am not blushing over Allie." Jesper chuckles and then goes quiet again as they continue watching. 

“I used to make my Da watch this all the time,” Jesper speaks again. “He probably was sick of it by the end, but I just loved Ryan Gosling in it so much that I made him watch it every couple of weeks. At some point, he hid the DVD and said we lost it, but then, when he was helping me pack boxes to move, he gave it back to me. Of course, before I left Novyi Zem, I forced him to sit down and watch it with me again. As payback, of course.” Wylan perks up and turns to Jesper. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah, I mean, Ryan Gosling is hot. He was definitely one of many celebrity crushes I had growing up.” They go quiet again.

“Yeah, he was one of mine too.” Wylan Whispers. Jesper turns to him, his brows furrowing into confusion as he looks at Wylan, who is bright red. 

“Were- Were you nervous to tell me that?” Wylan’s eyes flicker down. 

“I just didn’t... I assumed that... I thought-”

“That I was straight? You can say the words you know.” Wylan chuckles, running a hand through his hair. 

“Yeah, I just- I know I shouldn’t have assumed anything at all.” 

“No, it’s ok, I don’t mind. Ketterdam is pretty open about acceptance compared to some other parts of Kerch. At least most of the city is. Either way, I’ve never been one to close off the conversation.” Wylan’s face heats up more and more as Jesper goes on. 

“I’m bisexual. I’m not picky, I guess,” Jesper finishes. Wylan nods. 

“I don’t like girls at all. Not in that way… ” His voice trails off. Jesper places a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. Wylan feels his stress rising. Coming out to his dad was not fun. At all. And he had refused to come out to anyone out of fear. He doesn’t think he can tell Jesper about any of that yet; it all feels like too much. He feels his eyes beginning to water. He just wishes he had had the opportunity to tell his mom first. She would have understood. A part of him wonders if maybe she already had known, despite how much younger he had been when she passed. Either way, he knows she would never have stopped loving him.

“So you’re gay. You can say straight, and bi, and gay, yeah? They aren’t bad words,” Jesper says, snapping him out of his spiraling thoughts. Then he pauses. “Shit, I'm sorry I didn’t mean to make you feel bad again.” 

“No, no, it’s fine. I’ve just never really said that to anyone before. Only my father,” Wylan replies softly. Jesper nods. 

“You know, you don’t ever have to tell anyone, right? It’s not like I actually go around telling people that I’m bi. I just exist. Whatever you grew up believing, whether you were afraid to tell people, or just kept thinking you had to, it’s not true, ok? Never for me. Not for most people.” Wylan nods. 

“Yeah, th-thanks. Thank you.” Wylan smiles as Jesper pauses the movie. 

“Do you want to play a card game? I’ve been wanting to play with someone, but Kaz is basically impossible to play a majority of games with. He knows his way around a deck of cards annoyingly well, preventing the game from being any fun. He absolutely demolishes me every single time, and at that point, the predictability of it sucks the life out of it.” Wylan chuckles. 

“Yeah, that sounds fun.” 

Jesper and Wylan spend the rest of the day playing a bunch of card games. Kings Corner, Go Fish, Old Maid, and ending on a never-ending game of War. Wylan thinks this might be the most fun he’s had in years. Not because playing cards is the most exciting thing in the world, but because he has never felt calm enough to let himself enjoy things. Despite the first half of his day, Jesper truly turned it around. The more time they spent together, the less Wylan’s focus stayed on his father, and for that, he was relieved.

 Once they finally finish the game of war, they go back to the end of the movie. Wylan lies down, his head in Jesper’s lap, with Jesper playing with his hair. The soft touch of Jesper's fingers is the final gentle push, allowing his father’s letter and cruel words all to shift to the back of his mind. As the ending scene comes to a close and the credits begin playing, he begins to feel his eyes grow heavy. A final thought that Jesper is the first and only friend he’s ever had is enough to help him drift off to sleep.