Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The first time Batman noticed Supermans habits, they were on a mission.

Batman didn’t think he would have to tell Superman this very obvious rule, but afterall, Big Blue is an alien. So really, it’s on Bats.

That doesn’t stop him from glaring at his partner while Supes looks at him like everything is normal, like what he is doing is a regular day occurrence. Maybe it is. Batman shudders at the thought.

“Are you serious?” Batman grumbles, pulling out a smoke bomb. Superman tilts his head in question.

“The pipe.” Bats deadpans, a scowl starting to form as the alien continues to crunch on the metal as if it were an apple.

Superman shrugs, taking a comically large bite before talking. Bats swears he just felt a piece of saliva-coated metal hit his face. Does he leave his manners in civilian mode?

“I was peckish.”

Batman blinks. He is very rarely at a loss for words. This definitely makes the top three.

~

Not long after that, Bruce realises he can’t leave Clark alone in the cave.

He found it a bit odd when he noticed dents on poles that hadn’t been there before, and even interrogating his kids didn’t get him the answer. They had no reason to lie, at worst they get benched from patrol for a week but after a couple days Bruce would pretend that he forgot they couldn’t patrol and tell them to get geared up.

And then he saw it.

It was a late night, the standard for Bruce, really. Clark was staying back, Jon was with Lois for the weekend, and Clark was going to use that to his advantage.

Bruce was focused on the casework, Clark gliding around the cave and providing unnecessary commentary, occasionally helping B.

But ever so slightly, Clark got closer to the coin. Glancing between Bruce and the penny. He wouldn’t notice. Right?

Bruce did notice. Clark moved away from the copper coin, joining his partner at the batcomputer, sneaking longing glances at the coin.

Bruce now schedules one of his kids to watch him at all times. Superman used to be the favourite parent, but even Dick’s stopped using his superman mug.

~

Lois groans as she stares at the printer. No ink or paper?

She makes a little list of other things she could grab from the supply closet.

Ink, paper, staples, paperclips…

She walks by Clarks’ desk, glancing briefly before stopping in her tracks. Staring more intently at what her beloved friend is currently doing.

“Smallville.” She grits out.

He looks up with a smile, his upper lip and teeth tinted a light blue. “Morning, Ms Lane.”

“Would you like to explain the lack of ink in the printer?”

He shakes his head, huffing a sigh while running a hand through his hair. “Tsk, ah, no. No, sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Despite the ink cartridge visibly on his desk.

Lois sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose as she looks away. "At least replace it next time… Actually, no. I’m not giving you the key to the supply closet. I don’t want you hooked on paperclips again.”

~

Somehow, Superman got access to lava at the JL afterparty. And it wasn’t just any lava, it was aged. Wonder Woman had managed to get lava from a 1,000 year old dormant volcano in Iceland. This is pristine lava.

And now, he’s drunk.

Very drunk, actually.

Currently, Bats is watching his husband cry into the Green Lanterns’ arms about league missions, or really, any mission where he has to work with Batman.

If you heard snippets, it would give the image of Batman divorcing Superman and suddenly it’s just too hard for Big Blue to work with the man he still loves.

However, what's actually going on is Supes is whining about how he has to be sneaky with his snacks on patrol. He has to use his superspeed to eat.

And GL had the dumb idea to entertain him.

“Why do you have to hide your snacks?”

“Because Bats says they aren’t healthy.” He whinges. Completely ignoring the fact that B is technically right.

Green Lantern resists the urge to sigh, and prods further. Maybe he just needs to vent? “Why are they unhealthy?”

“B thinks eating bullets is-”

GL cuts him off, holding a hand up to silence the overly emotional boy scout. “Why the fuck are you eating bullets?...IS THAT WHERE THEY GO? THEY DON’T ACTUALLY BOUNCE OFF?!”

Superman sniffles. “They’re yummy…”

Green Lantern begs Wonder Woman to never give Superman lava again.

~

“Welcome back people,” Clark whispers into the microphone, smiling softly at the camera.

“Today, I have another mukbang video for you all. A lot of you guys requested crystals and gems on the last one, so I decided to collect them all.” He runs his hand over the tray of gems, giggling quietly at the feeling on his fingertips.

“I think I’m going to start with this one.” He leans towards the mic, tapping the crystal rhythmically before turning slightly to show the camera.

He takes a bite. A nice, loud, crunch echoes throughout the room.

“Augh, I wish you guys could taste this. It’s so glittery, it tastes like the moon. So weird how amethyst tastes like moonrock…”

Another crunch.

“It feels like a snowcone… I can’t say much because the others haven’t been tried, but I think amethyst might be in second place.”

At some point Tim walks by, stopping and walking towards Clark with curiosity only to sigh heavily.

“What is up with you people…” Tim leans out the door, still keeping an eye on Clark as he shouts through the manor.

“BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE! HE’S DOING IT AGAIN!”

~

It was a mistake.

It wasn’t supposed to happen. Clark had gotten back earlier than Bruce and the kids, he wanted to surprise them.

A nice meal cooked by someone other than Alfred, tidy up the main library and clean the batcave. He thought Bruce would especially love the cave one.

Clark even memorised where things go and how to store them correctly. He really didn’t mean for it to get out of hand. But… It was just so shiny and right there.

Clark stood at the entrance of the cave, waiting for his husband and bonus kids. He shuts his eyes once he sees the batmobile pull up, Bruce getting out only to see Clark with the look of a dog who knows he isn’t supposed to shit inside.

Bruce shakes his head, sprinting to the giant penny in what would be superhuman speed, but it's realistic. Why? Because he’s Batman.

Bruce gasps, looking back at his husband with utter betrayal before focusing back on the coin.

He falls to his knees, ugly sobbing, tugging at his hair as he wails like he lost another kid.

How will he ever fix the giant penny?

He’ll just have to live with his giant penny, that will now forever have a giant bitemark.

Chapter Text

It wasn’t unusual for Kon and Tim to sit atop a building while Tim worked on a case. The Super usually being there just to annoy his…friend.

Sometimes, more often than he would like to admit, the Robin didn’t actually have a case. Instead using it as an excuse to hang out with him. But don’t tell Kon that, they aren’t ready to talk about the whys.

Tim’s scribbling away in his notebook, tapping his pen obnoxiously against the paper in between nonsensical rambles.

Crunch.

Tim stiffens. Kon hadn’t reacted to the sound of metal which meant one thing. One annoying thing.

He looks over at the boy, a twitch tugging at his eye as he observes Kon reach into his jacket pocket. Pulling his hand out and chucking a small, silver, object into his mouth. Followed by another crunch.

“Are you serious? You know those give you tummy aches.” Tim scolds, extending his hand to Kon, waiting for him to hand the screws over. Disappointment clear in his body language.

“No. Why would I deprive myself of something so yummy just because I get tummy aches? This is giving lactose intolerant people shouldn't eat lactose.” The Super retorts, satisfaction swelling as he stares into Tim’s eyes.

“Because they shouldn’t!”

“You drink the tap water.” A smug grin tugs at the corners of Kon’s cheeks.

Tim scowls, and focuses back on the paper.

“I told you that in confidence.”

~

Tim stood in the middle of the bat lab, hunched over a desk as he fussed over the bat chemicals.

Kon is sitting somewhere behind him, whinging about the woes of his pain. Which would’ve been avoided if he had just listened to Tim, for Raos’ sake he warned him of the consequences but no, he just has to take after his father.

Tim hears faint footsteps – Damians’ to be exact, he can also hear the way the air is moving, suggesting Jon is with him too.

Tim tunes them back out, focusing on the bat medicine he’s working on. Hopefully this will stop Kon’s tummy ache, and if it does, he can make them into little capsules for the other to take before he starts snacking. Just normal…friend stuff.

Shifting focus to his notebook, jotting down the current formula to keep track of his studies when all of a sudden there’s shouting.

“Jon! No!”

Tim pulls away from the bat bench, his pupils narrowing as he watches Damian scold Jon like he was a puppy.

That’s…odd.

And Kon is looking at his younger brother with the strongest glare he could muster in his oh so fragile state.

Damian lurches toward his friend, grabbing at his mouth and trying to pry it open. Only for Jon to shake him off like he’s a dog coming out from the beach.

“Jon! You absolute fool, what are you? An imbecile?” Damian shouts, starting to chase him around the lab.

Which might’ve been the highlight of Tim’s night since Jon decided to float just out of the youngers’ reach.

Tim sighed. Maybe he should step in. Especially with how Kon’s looking at him right now.

“Jon. What did you do?” He asks, talking to him like he was a toddler who knocked over a vase.

Jon just shakes his head, a muffle escaping his lips. And Tim realises.

”Jon. Spit it out, please?”

The boy only floats higher.

Woosh.

Kon’s get his little brother in a headlock, trying to open his mouth as if he were a puppy who won’t let go of a shoe.

Damian and Tim crowd around him, staring – well, Damian’s glaring really – at him. Tim held his hand up to Jons’ mouth. Waiting expectantly.

He doesn’t budge.

“I thought you were better than this.” Tim frowns slightly, staring him down like a disappointed father.

Jon spits it out.

A cube of spit-covered lead lands in his hand. Tim gags a little, using Damian’s cape to wipe it clean, earning him a glower in response.

Tim doesn’t care. He hasn’t drunk enough Zesti to deal with this.

He holds it up to his face, examine for teeth marks. Only for Kon to snatch it out of his hands and eat it.

Neither of them were allowed anywhere near the lab after that.