Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Seungmin felt like shit today. plain and simple. He was sloppy on the field, distracted, and tired. Yet, he didn’t know why. He hoped that lunch with his friends would make him feel better- but it somehow made things worse. Even seeing Hyunjin's beautiful grinning face couldn’t do anything to lift him out of this slump. Hyunjin noticed something was off with Seungmin immediately. He always did notice those small things about the younger male. The way he teased everyone in the group with that little smirk on his face, knowing there was no real heat behind any of the words, how he would always snatch the food off of everyone else’s plates when they weren’t looking. When he sat back in silence, quietly observing. Not upset, or pissed off, just watching. But today, something was wrong.

The brunette sat back as he usually did- no one really noticed that this was out of the ordinary, he was always like this. If only he himself could figure out why he was feeling this way. nothing..particularly bad had happened recently, he was healthy enough, and baseball had been going well! well..except that he knew he’s been lagging behind, not doing as well as he could be. He was letting his team down, and he knew it. His mental health had been getting progressively worse recently- not like he’d told anyone, of course, he didn’t want to worry them about something as meaningless as a lack of interest in his passions and a few days where it was harder to get out of bed. That was just his exhaustion from pushing himself on the field, nothing more. but…it had started to affect his gameplay. he knew he was letting the team down. He just…didn’t want to tell anyone. Because it wasn’t that bad, not really.

Felix was busy digging into an absolutely delicious bowl of ramen, teasing Jeongin, who was sitting beside him (whilst also allowing him to have some of Felix’s bowl, he wasn’t heartless), especially since Jeongin had been struggling to secure a solid job as of lately. And hey, Felix had a very affectionate spot for the maknae of their group. Jeongin couldn’t deny that this dynamic he had going on with Felix right now was driving him slightly insane- it wasn’t a secret to anyone (except for Felix himself, apparently. The adorably oblivious man he was), that Jeongin had a major crush on the blonde, and had basically ever since they first met. He couldn’t wipe the pinkish blush off his cheeks with his sweater’s sleeve no matter how hard he tried- yet the ray of sunshine sitting beside him wasn’t phased in the slightest.

Across the table, Jisung was rambling loudly about something or another, speaking vibrantly with his hands as per usual. He had always been this way around his friends, completely comfortable and in his element. He was currently exposing Chan for something embarrassing he’d done, the oldest in question hiding his face in the collar of his hoodie, tips of his ears turning red from embarrassment. Jisung didn’t miss how Changbin's eyes lingered on the sight just a moment too long- this only made him grin wider. Minho watched Jisung with too most- an unreadable expression- but to those who knew him well enough, he was completely enamoured by the younger male. He watched with a mostly neutral expression, save the corner of his mouth twitching up into a living smirk, the slight crinkle in his eyes as he let himself get lost in the dramatic story Jisung was telling. How those two weren’t already a thing was something that puzzled the whole group- Jeongin would never understand.

Chan was still recovering from the embarrassment of Jisung outing him like that, but was begrudgingly going back to eating his food. Whoever in their right mind let him and han Jisung record together was a huge idiot. Them being business partners was actually the worst mistake ever - not actually, of course, Chan cared incredibly deeply for Jisung- and everyone in their little friend group for that matter, but gosh was that round-cheeked boy a loudmouth and a half. He poked at his bowl of ramen, sneaking glances of Changbin beside him when he was sure no one was listening. Changbin saw Chan looking at him, and it was getting increasingly harder to keep up this ‘cool guy’ persona he had going on whenever he noticed it. Surely his cheeks had to be getting redder and redder, right? He had always noticed that about Chan, noticed how his gaze lingered just a bit too long when he was working out, how he seemed to stop functioning entirely when Changbin had come out of the shower in their shared apartment, towel hung loosely around his waist, or even how he seemed to laugh at every little tease and joke he threw at him.

Seungmin quietly watched this all happen, laughing when he was required to, faking some sense of normalcy. He was always observing anyways, this wasn’t out of the ordinary for him. He had barely eaten his bowl, it sat carelessly discarded off to the side, probably cold at this point. He didn’t care, he wasn’t really hungry anyways. Once Jisung's elaborate story had finished up, people were starting to filter out. First it was Changbin and Chan, giving the excuse of ‘needing to finish up some work’, which there was a chance that wasn’t entirely inaccurate, knowing Chan. Next was Jisung and Minho, the younger complaining about having something to work on and wanting Minho to drive him home. When Jisung would ever get around to getting a license, Seungmin didn’t know. Then eventually, Felix and Jeongin left too, both of them having to get back to work now that their peaceful lunch was over. Then it was just Seungmin and Hyunjin. Hyunjin smiled and waved as everyone left, leaving just him and Seungmin. He smiled at his friend, running a hand through his black locks and ruffling them a bit. 

“You got any plans today Minnie? Practice?” he asked as if he didn’t know a concerning amount of Seungmin’s schedule by heart. He knew he had early practices on Saturday mornings, minor games Sunday nights, and training on Wednesday afternoons. Those sorts of things just...seemed important to remember. It took Seungmin a moment to register what Hyunjin had said, blinking and coming back to reality. He looked over at the older male, forcing a casual smile onto his face. “Got practice later, but nothing until then. I’ll think I’ll just catch up on some studies or something.” he probably wouldn't. He was behind in just about all his studies at the moment. It was a shock as to why he hadn’t been kicked out of his college classes yet. He hummed, tapping his fingers lightly on the table. Being a freelance artist and a fairly successful college student, he had basically all the free time in the world, especially with this bad spot of art block he’d been suffering from recently. Who knows, maybe spending some time with the prettiest boy in the world would help with that. 

“Well if you wanted, I could come over and help you? I’m all caught up with my stuff- for the most part, at least,” he offered Seungmin a soft smile, taking a selfish moment to appreciate how pretty he was. God, he was down bad, huh? The Seungmin from a month ago would have jumped at the idea to spend some alone time with Hyunjin in his apartment, but the Seungmin now…his apartment was in no shape to have someone over. It was a complete mess, there was little to no food in the fridge, his equipment was scattered all over the floor- but that look in Hyunjin's eyes, the sweet smile on his face…it was so tempting. “I dunno Hyune..it’s a bit of a mess- surely you aren’t too interested in music theory…I should be fine by myself.” That worried Hyunjin just a bit, as Seungmin was known for being the cleanest in the friend group, so if his apartment was messy…that confirmed his suspicions that something was wrong. He had to help him feel better, he knew that much.

“Wellll- you could focus on your studies while I help clean your place up?” Seungmin’s cheeks flushed and he shook his head, letting out a half-hearted, breathless laugh.  “No no- I would feel so bad. You don’t have to do that at all, Hyunjin. I promise, I’ll be alright on my own. I’ll get around to it,” he waved his hand dismissively. Just the thought of Hyunjin seeing the state of his apartment was embarrassing enough, but having the older male over just to clean his laziness? That was way worse. The ravenette frowned, but decided not to press it any further. Seungmin clearly just didn’t want him over. It hurt, and it worried him further that he seemed to be almost pushing Hyunjin away. How long had Seungmin been like this, and he was only now realising? He nibbled his bottom lip, tasting remnants of the lip gloss he’d applied before arriving at the restaurant. He sighed, resting his chin in his palm and looking over at the younger male. “Well..If you say so. If you change your mind, I’ll be there, promise.” Seungmin nodded with a small, more genuine smile than he’d had the whole day- it was nice to know that Hyunjin did care, despite all his self-doubts. He sighed softly and stood up, gently pushing aside the barely eaten bowl of ramen. He didn’t miss the flicker of concern in Hyunjin's gaze upon realising he’d barely eaten it. Oh well. “I’ll see you soon, Jinnie. Take care.”

“Yeah..you too Minnie. Er- good luck with practice tonight!” he stood up also, trying to ignore that Seungmin was taller than him, and how much he loved it, the thought of it causing his cheeks to heat up a little. Then- feeling bold and not necessarily out of character for him, he stood forward and wrapped his arms around the brunette, tucking his face in the crook of his shoulder and neck. At first, Seungmin was tense, but he slowly relaxed and hugged Hyunjin back. “Text me if you need Minnie. I’ll see ya,” he grinned, turned on his heels and headed out. Hyunjin’s smile dropped once he left the restaurant, but he tried not to worry too much about it. Seungmin would be fine.. The brunette watched Hyunjin go and his smile slowly went away, running a hand down his face and groaning. Welp. Time to go back to his depressing apartment. Alone. Gods- he could’ve had Hyunjin over, spending alone time with him, and he turned that down? Oh well. He went and paid for his barely eaten food, put his earphones in and began walking home.

Hyunjin arrived at his shared apartment with Felix and sighed, taking his shoes off at the door and slipping his favourite house slippers on. He hung up his jacket and bag. The younger boy wouldn’t be home until later tonight, busy at work and such. There was also a chance he wouldn’t come home until even later if he decided to hang out with Jeongin afterwards- how Felix didn't know Jeongin was totally in love with him was beyond him. The benefits of having the apartment to himself meant he could blast some music and try and get in the zone for some painting- he didn’t have any overdue assignments, but he did need to get a head start on his final piece for the year, because knowing him he’d procrastinate a bunch and it would end up taking ages to complete. So, may as well get a head start on it now, right?

He grabbed himself a bottle of water from the fridge and went to his room to set up in his little painting nook. When Felix and he had been scouting this place after finishing high school, Hyunjin had wanted it so bad purely because of the fact that one of the rooms had this walk-in-wardrobe type nook. Of course, he didn’t use it for this, as the room actually had a built-in wardrobe, he used it as his little mini art studio. Inside was an easel with a blank canvas on it, a small table with his art supplies scattered across it, and of course- his Bluetooth speaker. All the essentials! He connected his phone to the speaker and scrolled through his spotify for a playlist. As he did so, he came across an old playlist he’d made, most likely at 3 am when he was in his major romantic pining era- as if that wasn’t now as well. It was the playlist he’d made with Seungmin in mind- his personality, his beauty- his everything. God- Hyunjin was down bad for this boy. Biting his lip, the ravenette selected that playlist on shuffle and grabbed his oil paints, having sudden inspiration. Visualising that gorgeous boy in his mind, his hands moved before his mind had time to catch up, at first random colourful strokes, but soon the image began to appear- the image of Seungmin. He was looking off to something in the distance, beautiful eyes twinkling and shining with a brilliant passion. Hyunjin hoped he captured that well enough. His multicoloured hair framed his face wonderfully, and Hyunjin even put those aesthetic glasses he always wore on. He was gorgeous. Ethereal. Hyunjin was obsessed.

Later that night, Felix did come home on time, having decided that he just needed to get home instead of going to see Jeongin- as attached as he was to the younger boy, he understood that they both needed space from time to time. Plus, his muscles ached from overexertion as he'd pushed himself probably a bit too much at dance today. He hummed a tune he had stuck in his head as he entered the apartment, kicking the door shut behind him. He heard music coming from Hyunjin's room and smiled- looks like he finally got that inspiration he was after! The ravenette heard the door open and shut, a small smile gracing his face- that meant Felix was home on time! For the first time in a good while, they would be able to have dinner together! he finished up his painting, rubbing his face and accidentally smearing oil paint across his cheek- oh well, he'd end up having a shower at some point in the night anyways. Taking a step back and really taking in the painting, Hyunjin smiled, cheeks heating up. It was beautiful- Seungmin was beautiful. This wouldn't be his final piece, and it was nowhere near close to being done- there were still little bits and pieces he wanted to add. But boy, it was a start. He was out of the slump. He grinned brightly, tidying up his space a bit so he could go greet Felix.

Felix was busy in the kitchen, looking through their cupboards and fridge for possibilities for dinner, when he saw Hyunjin leave his room from the corner of his eye. And of course, the older boy was completely covered head to toe in his paints.  "Hyunjin hyung! I see you've been busy- you reckon you're out of that artblock now?" he hoped Hyunjin was, it was so sad seeing him just sitting there in front of a blank canvas, trying to come up with anything to put on it. He wondered what finally sparked that inspiration. Gosh, Hyunjin just couldn't stop grinning- he must look like a total idiot. "Mhmmm! Finally found my spark, Lixie. anything in there looking appealing for dinner?" he went over to the kitchen island and hopped up onto one of the stools there, folding his arms on the counter and looking over at the blonde boy. Hyunjin had a crush on Felix back in their highschool days, but he'd grown past that adolescent crush, seeing Felix now more as a brother or as it was- his best friend ever. Felix was gorgeous, but ever since he'd met Seungmin, he knew that was the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Was that a bit much-? The blonde didn't ignore how blissful Hyunjin appeared, something must've gotten him really happy in the time when they finished lunch to now. He shrugged and hummed, looking in the fridge. 

"Wellll- we have some leftover kimchi from when Minho was over- I could add that to a stew or something?" That did sound appealing, he loved Minho's kimchi- everyone loved all of Minho's food regardless, the man was a wizard in the kitchen. Jisung was a lucky guy for that reason. Felix was counting down the days until they would finally get together- he was sick of third wheeling! Hyunjin hummed, and his stomach grumbled as a response to Felix's suggestion- it was only now that he realized he hadn't really had anything to eat since lunch, so he was starving.  "That sounds delicious, Lix. Do you need any help? I need to have a shower to get all this paint off me, but I'm happy to help once I'm out?" he smiled softly, brushing some of his ravenette locks behind his ear, grimacing as his fingers caught on some dried paint. Yeah, he definitely needed a shower. Eugh.

He waved his hand dismissively at Hyunjin's offer, a bright smile on his face. 

"No no- don't worry about it Hyune, really. You cooked the other night anyways." Even if his muscles ached and his back was gonna give him troubles later, they had a balance in their apartment that needed to be honoured. A playful smirk replaced his previous smile, as he narrowed his eyes at the taller male across the counter. "Sooo, what's got you so happy, mister? Where'd you get your inspo from?" His Aussie accent was more prominent when he was teasing his friends, something he'd recently noticed that Jeongin was commenting on more and more. Hyunjin blushed, twirling some of the longer black hair that was resting on his shoulder. Would it be embarrassing to tell Felix that the reason he was so giddy was another member in their little friend group- was it weird to admit he was and had been deeply in love with Seungmin for as long as he could remember? He bit his lip, focusing on the marble countertop, getting distracted by the swirling whites and greys within it. It was almost 100% not real marble, but they didn’t care, it looked nice at least. 

“It’s nothing really..I just- saw a pretty guy on my walk home from the restaurant earlier. Struck some inspiration I guess. I’m probably gonna use it as a base for what I want my final design to be, it’s not finished yet but- it looks good so far- I hope at least.”  Felix raised a brow at that, his playful smirk only getting bigger. Hyunjin wasn’t telling the full truth, he just knew- but what could he possibly be hiding? A crush? A boyfriend?! “Okay okay- so who is this mystery boy? Care to explain, mister?” Felix couldn’t help it- of course he was curious! Hyunjin had been single since like- forever, despite being an incredibly attractive guy. He'd always said he was just ‘waiting for the right guy’. Maybe, just maybe, he’d finally found that special someone.

The ravenette huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back in his chair. Felix would eventually find out about his major crush on Seungmin, one way or another. But today was not that day. He wasn’t ready to admit something like that just yet. Especially not at a time when he was sure Seungmin himself wasn’t doing too well. Getting reminded of that, Hyunjin decided to bring it up to his friend.  “Did Seungmin seem off today? I’m worried about him- he mentioned his apartment was a mess, and that’s really weird for him..” sure, he was changing the topic from his supposed crush- to the topic of his crush mind you. Still, he hoped Felix wouldn’t mind- or catch onto where his mind had been? The Aussie shrugged, setting up the stuff he needed for this stew. 

“Mm- yeah, a bit. I mean- he’s always quiet when we’re all together but…yeah, he did seem a bit off. You think something's going on? Surely he’d tell us if there was, yeah?” Felix nibbled at his lip, brows furrowing in concern. Now that Hyunjin pointed it out, Seungmin had been quiet- er than usual. He had that look in his eyes today, the one where he’s distant, like he’s physically present but his mind was somewhere far off. Felix always got worried when he saw that look in his friend’s eyes. He remembered when he started to see in Jisung’s eyes years ago and..that almost ended really badly. He shook his head, trying not to think about that. They were all in dark times back then. “I hope he’s okay..I would hate to think he’s not doing well and hasn’t told anyone. But..I’m not gonna push it- if he wants to come to us for help then we’ll be there, but I don’t want to pressure him or anything. I just hope he knows we’re here for him, no matter what.” Hyunjin spoke sincerely, the blush on his cheeks totally betraying everything he’d been trying to hide, but thankfully Felix was oblivious as ever. The topic quickly changed and eventually Hyunjin dragged himself to the shower to freshen up. 

Dinner was delicious, with Minho’s kimchi and Felix’s stew, it might’ve been the most amazing meal the ravenette’s ever eaten. The two stayed up and chatted for a bit more after dinner, catching up on a k-drama the two had been watching together, before Hyunjin said goodnight and turned in for sleep. Except…he didn’t sleep just yet, not entirely. He laid in bed, snuggled under the covers and stared at the roof, worry taking over almost every thought. He really did hope Seungmin came to him for help if something was wrong…he didn’t want it to get bad. Not to mention…he wanted to show Seungmin the painting he made. Eventually. Sighing, Hyunjin closed his eyes and hugged his pillow, pretending it was the boy he so desperately wanted, and so desperately hoped was okay.

Chapter Text

When Seungmin got home, he opened the front door to the huge mess in the living room, and the smell of something stale- or moldy. Fun. Sighing, the brunette took his shoes off, put his slippers on and went straight to his room. It’s where he spent most days now, holed up in there alone, attempting to do coursework, only to result in him staring at blank pages the whole time. He did have practice later, and that was a daunting thought on his own, but he tried hard not to think about it. It sucked how nowadays, the thought of playing baseball, one of his biggest lifetime passions, now felt like a chore, just something that he had to do. Seungmin plopped down on his desk chair, looking at a framed photo of their friend group he had on the corner of the desk. He loved his friends a lot- he wouldn’t want to worry them or bore them with the issues he was having. They didn’t need to worry about all that meaningless stuff.

But..he thought of Hyunjin, that look of genuine concern on his face and how he insisted on helping him out. It was sweet, really! Seungmin just didn’t want to put that burden on the older male's shoulders, he didn’t deserve that. Plus, he had his own things to worry about, with his art and college and stuff. He was the least important thing in Hyunjin’s life. After hours of getting absolutely no work done, as he expected, Seungmin gave up and decided to get ready for practice by going for a walk beforehand. That's what the people on TV always said would help clear your mind, so who knows, maybe they were onto something. He half-heartedly tidied his desk, pulled on his uniform and scooped up all his equipment in the living room into his duffel bag, leaving the house to walk the streets of Seoul. Seungmin watched all the people bustling around him in slow motion, taking vague note of them and their busy lives. Everyone on the streets of Seoul moved with such urgency and purpose. The brunette envied them for that. Everyone had somewhere to be, something to do, a reason for doing what they were doing. Seungmin used to have that. Not anymore.

It was stupid, he had no reason to be this down in the dumps. He was surrounded by plenty of amazing friends, was lucky enough to be in college, and in a brilliant baseball team…so why the hell did he feel like this? Why did he feel like there was a void where his heart was supposed to be? Why did he feel so god damn alone? In his mindless wandering, he’d ended up in the local park. He frowned as he gazed upon the people there, some resting, some playing with their dogs, but his eyes zeroed in on a couple lying together on a picnic rug, sharing a punnet of strawberries in the afternoon sun. The girl smiled and laughed lightly, snatching a bigger strawberry from her boyfriend’s hand and eating it before he even had the chance to react. It was sweet, and it almost brought a smile to Seungmin’s face. Almost. Then the thoughts started again.

He wasn’t in a relationship, and all his friends had crushes on each other, and he was sure they would get together soon, especially Jisung and Minho. Sure, he liked Hyunjin, but there was no way in the world that he would ever end up with him. He was entirely out of his league, regardless- Hyunjin was gorgeous, effortlessly amazing at everything he did, a talented artist and the sweetest, most caring guy ever. Seungmin just...wasn’t up to that standard. He was ugly, had a weird smile, hair that wouldn’t cooperate with any nice haircut, weirdly dark eyes, and a weird nose. Everything about him was ugly, subpar. Hyunjin deserved better than that. 

Seungmin forced himself to look away from the scene, turning on his heels and beginning the walk to the baseball field. As he got closer, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Sighing, not really wanting to deal with social interaction right now, he took his phone out and checked who the notification was from. Jeongin. Of course, the sweet soul that he was. 

Iyenah

> hey minnie! was wondering if you wanted to catch up after your practice tonight? i know it’ll be late but i miss youuu

The brunette couldn’t help it, of course, he smiled a little at a message like that from Jeongin. The two had been best friends since they were in daycare, and had been practically inseparable their whole lives. Well...until recently, that was. He knew he’d been pulling away from Jeongin, he’d been pulling away from everyone. Seungmin didn’t want the younger male to think he didn’t like him anymore or anything, but…he also didn’t want to burden him. Didn’t want to put more pressure on his shoulders. He wanted to hang out- was that really a good idea? He had already turned down Hyunjin coming over earlier…nibbling at his bottom lip, Seungmin typed back a response.

Me

> I’ll see how i’m falling after practice Innie, might be too tired :)

Putting the smiley face there felt like a betrayal of his true feelings, but he tried hard not to think about it much. He was fine, Jeongin didn’t need to worry. If he could get back from practice in time, he could probably clean up his apartment and let Jeongin come over. That...that might be nice. Just maybe. Jeongin hearted his message and Seungmin took that as the end of that, putting his phone back in his pocket and heading into the field’s locker room to put his stuff away. He didn’t really have friends on his baseball team, it was nothing like his one in high school, where they were a little family in their team, where they would spend every waking hour after practice and games together (Seungmin often dragged Jeongin along with him to these meets). Seungmin put on a brave face, grabbed his required equipment and headed out onto the field for practice. He would be fine. 

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗

Practice was horrible. He was slow, missed most of his shots, hit two fouls and accidentally threw the ball at one of his teammates' shoulders, causing them to have to sit out for the rest of the night. Then, towards the end, his side got hit by a very strongly thrown ball. Pain bloomed in the area, and later on in the change rooms, he noticed the spot had bruised pretty nastily. But strangely enough, the pain brought on by that bruise wasn’t- the worst thing to happen. It actually caused him to feel something for the first time in months. That was probably bad, really bad, that he was even thinking anything like that, but he couldn’t stop his mind from drifting there, thinking about it on his way back to his apartment that night. Why had he felt that so prominently? Why did it feel nice to feel that pain? Was there something really fucked up with his brain? Probably. He knew that much.

The walk home was boring and uneventful, the most interesting thing to happen was that the convenience store was out of his favourite 2 minute ramen. Oh well, he could go one night without some food. Wouldn’t be the first time, after all. He did end up grabbing a couple of energy drinks to have throughout the night, otherwise, he really wouldn’t get work done. Sighing, he also pulled his phone out to message Jeongin, giving him the all-clear to come over. It did concern him that the younger male would be most likely catching public transport in order to get to his apartment. At this time of night in Seoul…he’d be alright. Jeongin wasn’t even that much younger than Seungmin, but he had always thought of him as this little kid who needed protecting, even if that was far from the case. Seungmin knew he just needed to get home and tidy up before Jeongin arrived; then he could at least pretend he was doing fine.

He arrived at his apartment and forced himself to clean up, throwing out some of the old food, cleaning the pile of dishes and packing up his baseball equipment. With one of his two energy drinks now gone, he sat down on the couch and patiently waited for Jeongin to arrive. He was fine. He was fine. He was happy to be seeing his friend, right? Not too long after he’d finished cleaning up, some quick knocks were heard from the front door. This was it, this was his chance to prove that he was completely fine and normal. Seungmin took a somewhat shaky deep breath and stood up, making his way over to the door to greet his friend. 

"Iyenah! So good to see you again- come in, hope my place isn't too messy…" He chuckled a little, but there was no real humour in it. He was surprised he even managed to clean the bloody place well enough in time. 

Jeongin grinned, immediately wrapping Seungmin in a tight hug, which caught the older boy by surprise. He laughed awkwardly, slowly hugging the oreo-haired boy. 

“Sorry for that, Minnie, I got a message from Hyunjinnie earlier saying you needed a big hug. Oh! I almost forgot,” he reached into his bag and took out some packs of Seungmin’s favourite instant ramen, as well as some eggs and seaweed to add to it. Jeongin had gotten him his favourite food...and did he say that Hyunjin asked him to hug him? Huh. The brunette couldn’t help the small smile that grew on his face, Jeongin really did know him so well. 

“Wow..thanks, Jeongin, really. I went to get some earlier, but they were all sold out, heh. Uh- come in!” he stepped aside to let Jeongin in, wandering behind him like a lost puppy in his own kitchen as he began to make the ramen up instantly. Plus, he was over at Seungmin’s apartment so much it was basically his second home, so he knew exactly where everything was, and didn’t even bother asking to come over sometimes.

As he was preparing the food, Jeongin couldn’t help but notice that Seungmin seemed…well, he wasn’t sure what, but something was wrong. Feeling brave, he decided to bring it up. Hyunjin had mentioned something about him being off today at lunch..

“Hey, Seungmin- did something happen today? You just..you seem a bit down, that’s all. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk, but…just know I’m here for you, yeah? I want to know if something’s going on and all. You’re always here for me and- I want to make sure you’re doing well.” The moment he started speaking, the word vomit didn’t subside, and he found himself blushing a little from embarrassment. He smiled shyly, ducking his head and taking the ramen out of the microwave, moving to heat the hard-boiled eggs up.

Something uncomfortable twisted in Seungmin’s stomach at that. Not only had Hyunjin asked Jeongin to give him a hug, but now Jeongin himself was worried about him? No this- this couldn’t happen. He couldn’t let everyone worry about him when he was completely fine. They didn’t need to worry. He had to clear things up and help ease his friends' worries as soon as possible. 

“Oh- heh, yeah, just didn’t sleep well last night. Bit stressed about the game this weekend. I’m sure we’ll be fine but...you know it is, we never really know how well it could go.” That was believable, right? Completely. It sounded like something he would say on the daily. That’s all it really was, anyways. He was tired. 

Jeongin hummed, seeming convinced enough. He was sure that if Seungmin had something going on, he’d just come to him about it. They’d known each other for long enough to trust each other with things like that. He finished dishing up the ramen, egg, seaweed and all and handed one bowl to seungmin, digging through his draws to find their matching chopsticks they’d gotten freshman year of high school. Then he made his way around the counter to sit beside Seungmin. The brunette looked at the bowl Jeongin had so kindly prepared for him, which as much as he was hesitant to eat in general, he had to brave it and have as much as he could to thank his friend. Giving the younger boy a small smile, he began to eat. It was his favourite food, so as much as he had been hesitant to beforehand, slowly he started to enjoy the meal, eating more and more until the bowl was completely empty. They shared a few words here and there during dinner, but when Jeongin started to talk about Felix until he was basically passing out on his chair, Seungmin suggested they go to bed.

“Thanks for having me over, Minnie! I’ll get out of your hair now-“ The brunette was quick to cut him off. 

“There’s no way you’re going home this late, Iyenah, you can stay here the night.” he smiled softly, ruffling Jeongins hair and going to dump their dishes in the sink- he’d deal with that tomorrow. The younger male giggled and smiled, getting up to stretch and yawn.

“If that’s okay with you, that would be nice.” Jeongin went to Seungmin’s room to go snuggle in, and Seungmin couldn’t help but smile. Tonight had been the best night he’d had in a while- who knew he just needed to spend some time with his best friend? He actually felt- happy. He felt happy.

That happy feeling didn’t last long, unfortunately, because as he settled in for bed with Jeongin just like they had their whole lives together, and he heard his friends soft snores beside him, the thoughts that he hated so badly came back. That he was useless, an idiot, ugly. Seungmin curled in on himself, wrapping his arms around his stomach and squeezing so hard it hurt. Even with Jeongin’s calming presence beside him, even with everything he’d done for him tonight, Seungmin still felt alone. The overwhelming, crushing pressure of this negativity hurt, it hurt so, so bad. It hurt so badly that he ultimately felt nothing at all, a painful numbness that lingered for days and days, refusing to let him free. He didn’t tell anyone about any of this, of course not. How could he?

He dug his nails into his arms until it hurt, squeezed his eyes shut so tightly it gave him a headache. Nothing helped to ease the pain, not really, but it gave him a quick, short term relief. Seungmin told himself he was stupid for feeling this way, he had no reason to, he was just doing it for attention, that all he needed to do to get better was just to be better. Be less annoying, less ugly, less untalented. Then maybe everything would get better. Seungmin shook his head, taking a shaky breath that he didn’t realise he’d been holding in, and sat up. He just needed a glass of water to reset, then he could get to sleep. Or, try to, at least. Careful not to wake Jeongin, Seungmin climbed out of bed and padded down the hall to the kitchen as quietly as he could, pouring himself a glass of water from the jug of cold water in the fridge.

He drank about half the glass before pouring the rest into the sink. The brunette looked out the little window above his sink, taking a small moment to appreciate the night sky. The twinkling stars, the shining moon. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky tonight. It made him realise just how small he was in the grand scheme of things, how insignificant he was. How pointless his life was compared to the universe. Seungmin looked down at his hands, frowning before slowly making his way back to bed. He hated how negative his thoughts were, how even in the happiest situations his brain always had something negative to say. But he couldn’t help it, had no way to stop it- so he just let it happen, dealt with it. He settled back into bed, looking over at Jeongin. At least right now, at this moment, he wasn’t entirely alone. Not fully. Jeongin was here, at least for now. 

No matter how badly his brain told him he was completely alone.

Chapter Text

Things had gotten bad. At least he had half the brain to realise that. Seungmin knew it was getting worse, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything about it. He was always tired, no matter how much sleep he got, no matter how much he rested. He was having mood swings, one moment he’d be happily laughing with the group, and the next he was getting annoyed at every little thing. He hated that he was lashing out at people, the guilt he felt afterwards was crushing. Seungmin was supposed to be the quiet comedian of the group, someone who would listen no matter what. He wasn’t supposed to be this. And every day as it got worse and worse, it became harder to pretend everything was okay. Harder to fool the others. He blamed everything on lack of sleep, being anxious about upcoming games, college stressing him out. They weren’t entirely lies, after all.

Seungmin tried his best around his friends, smiled and laughed, and tried to forget the crushing weight on his chest whenever he was around them, so they wouldn’t worry. For now, it was working. They didn’t know how bad it was, how much he was struggling- because they didn’t need to know. The whole group was currently at Chan and Changbin’s apartment, all eight of them piled up in the lounge room, huddled in blankets and surrounded by pillows, watching some random rom-com movie Jisung had chosen. Here, surrounded by his friends, people he loved, it did help to ease the overwhelming pain, if only for a short while. It didn’t help that Hyunjin was pressed up against his side, sketchbook resting on his knees as he sketched lightly with a pencil. Seungmin couldn’t stop himself from watching in complete awe, admiring the way the older male so effortlessly moved across the page, drawing something Seungmin wouldn’t dream of being able to create. 

He wasn’t sure if Hyunjin even realised he was staring, or if anyone else in the room did, for that matter, they were all in their own little worlds anyway. But he was- watching and admiring how brilliantly Hyunjin worked. The movie played on in the background, Seungmin wasn’t really paying attention to what was happening, he knew that Jisung (and Changbin, though he’d never admit that), were happily enjoying the movie. Hyunjin was actually fully aware that he had a certain puppy watching him draw. When he realised, his cheeks heated up and were surely visible to the group around them. If it was, he was thankful to them for not bringing it up- he wasn’t sure he could deal with that utter embarrassment at the moment. He would much rather continue on like this, idly sketching with Seungmin’s watchful gaze over his shoulder. He still hadn’t had the chance to chat with him about everything, but according to Jeongin, who’d stayed the night the other day, he was doing alright. Hyunjin wanted to believe that was true.

His drawing today had no goal, maybe it would become a plant of sorts, he had seen a nice one on the walk here earlier. That was something he’d always loved about art, that he could create whatever he wanted with no limits, it could resemble something physical, or absolutely nothing at all. Either way, he was able to represent emotions and feelings in pencil strokes and bright colours, however he wanted to. He thought about the canvas back at home with the rough painting of Seungmin’s face on it and smiled. When it was done, he couldn’t wait to show him, he hoped he loved it just as much as he did, hoped he understood just how much love and feeling was in it. But that wasn’t going to happen for a little while, not until he was sure the painting was the best it could possibly be. The drawing did end up morphing into something similar to that unique plant he’d seen on his travels, and when he was done, he signed it, wrote the date and dared to look at Seungmin from the corner of his eyes, smirking. The younger boy blushed and quickly looked away, and Hyunjin couldn’t help himself as a soft giggle escaped past his lips.

“You’re allowed to watch me draw, Minnie. I don’t mind, you know.” The words were said barely above a whisper, just for Seungmin to hear. Seungmin’s cheeks burned, but he still avoided eye contact with Hyunjin, choosing instead to fidget with the sleeves of his sweater, fighting the small smile that threatened to grow on his face.

“It feels rude, that’s all. You look so..in your element. I’d hate to disrupt that.” The brunette's voice came out just as soft, if not softer and more timid than Hyunjins. The ravenette chuckled gently and shook his head, reaching up to poke Seungmin’s round cheek. 

“Don’t be silly, Seungmin. You can watch me draw anytime, promise. You’re not disrupting me.” If anything, you motivate me more than anything else. Seungmin opened his mouth to protest some more, but was interrupted by a tupperware box being shoved in their faces, and the most delicious smell on earth. Hyunjin jumped, looking up at the blonde ray of sunshine who’d interrupted them.

“Yongbok-ah! Some warning next time, please?” 

Felix giggled, once again holding out the tub full of his signature brownies- they were still warm, which puzzled the two boys he’d interrupted. When on Earth was Felix able to whip these up? Hyunjin wasn’t complaining, however, as he immediately snatched himself a few to munch on. When Seungmin didn’t take on, he looked over and raised his brow. “You’re not gonna have one of Lix’s brownies, Minnie?” The brunette laughed a little awkwardly, looking between the two eyes staring at him. Their gaze was so intense, at least to Seungmin, that he felt they very well might burn straight through him, straight to his broken, messed-up soul. Hesitantly, he reached into the box and took out a smaller brownie, nibbling on it to appease them. Admittedly, it was delicious, as Felix’s brownies always were, even if he wasn’t feeling particularly hungry. Satisfied, Felix grinned and went on to offer the others some of his delicious baked goods. Hyunjin took this as a moment to bring up what he’d had on his mind. 

“Hey Seungmin- you don’t have to answer this if you don't want to, but…have you been eating enough recently? I noticed at lunch the other day, you barely ate your ramen, and Jeongin said your fridge was looking pretty bare when he went over. I just…want to make sure you’re okay. Plus, I know you need a decent enough diet for baseball and all, so I’m just. I'm making sure,” he made sure to keep his voice low, knowing Seungmin probably wouldn’t want anyone else hearing something like this. He knew how the younger boy could get when he knew someone was worrying over him. The question made Seungmin’s blood run cold, and suddenly Felix’s brownie tasted far more dull.

“Oh- heh, yeah. Of course I have, Jinnie. I just had a big lunch today, and as much as I love Lix’s brownies, I wasn’t sure if I had any room left.” A complete lie, but a necessary one. By the look on Hyunjin’s face, he didn’t seem entirely convinced, but decided not to pry and let Seungmin be for now.

“If you say so, but know that if you need to talk at all, you can talk to me, yeah?” Hyunjin smiled sweetly, and Seungmin felt sick with admiration for the older male.

“Yeah, I know. Thanks, hyung.”

The rest of the night was peaceful enough, the group laughed and joked, and Seungmin did his best to play along. It was easier than usual, for sure, but as the night died down and people started to fall asleep- most notably Jisung, who’d fallen asleep in the midst of a heated UNO game between Hyunjin and Minho, sprawled across the latter's body and snoring loudly, Seungmin’s mind began to race once more. Only Hyunjin and Chan were up now, Hyunjin idly scrolling on his phone while Chan watched a movie on his phone with his headphones in, snuggled against Changbin. The brunette stared at the roof, trying to push the thoughts he hated so much away, focusing on the fact that he was happily with his friends and his crush. Everything was fine. He was spiralling again, his thoughts a whirlwind of painful negativity. It was so loud, so- 

“Hey, Seungmin?” The brunette jumped slightly, Hyunjin’s whispering voice cutting through the noise in his head. He turned to look at the older male, raising a brow in question. Hyunjin turned his phone to Seungmin, revealing a small folder of photos, most likely taken on the ravenette’s digital camera. He was once again enamoured and amazed by Hyunjin’s artistic skill.

“Sorry, you weren’t asleep, right?” Hyunjin wanted to get Seungmin’s opinions on the photos he’d taken a couple of nights ago, down at Han River. They weren’t for anything in particular, just fun, mostly, but he wanted to know which one Seungmin thought was best, because that would be the one he kept and possibly handed in as a part of a future assignment. The photos were of himself, wearing an elegant, partially see-through, flowing shirt, draped on a bench, his long hair out and partially covering his face. Seungmin blinked, eyes wide as he took in the photos, so distracted he barely registered Hyunjin asking him a question. Blinking to bring himself back to reality, the brunette looked up at the older male. 

“No- no, I wasn't asleep. Jinnie these are- these are phenomenal. You’re so talented at everything you do, truly.” Generally being a man of fewer words, Seungmin couldn’t help himself as he gushed over Hyunjin’s talent, the ravenette's cheeks heating up upon receiving the compliments. If Seungmin complimented something, he genuinely meant it- that was the best part. The ravenetted smiled more shyly than usual, reaching for a strand of his hair to twirl around his finger. 

“Thanks, Minnie…” he shuffled closer so their shoulders were pressed up against one another, as he scrolled through all the photos for the younger boy to look at. They were so close now that Hyunjin could feel Seungmin’s hot breath on his cheek, and that was driving him crazy. “Which one do you like best-?” the brunette hummed, reaching over to stop Hyunjin’s scrolling and do it himself. The ravenette bit his lip, sneaking glances over at him to admire his concentrated expression. After looking at all the options, Seungmin picked one towards the start, where Hyunjin was looking directly at the camera, his gaze piercing the camera lens.

“That one. You look..you look really nice there, Hyung. Breathtaking..” he mumbled the last part, almost hoping that Hyunjin didn’t hear- but he did, and he was sure his cheeks were so hot now he’d simply explode. The two hadn’t even realised how close they’d gotten, as when the younger male turned to look at the ravenette. They were so close in fact, that they were practically almost kissing. 

Seungmin hated how he zoned in immediately on Hyunjin’s soft lips, he wondered how they’d feel- how he would taste. It was wrong to think such things about his friend but when they were so close…without even thinking, he moved an inch closer. Hyunjin on the other hand, was beginning to panic- Seungmin looked just gorgeous in the moonlight streaming in from the window, he wanted nothing more than to swoop him up and kiss him silly. He didn’t care that the rest of their friends were here, all that mattered was the amazing, sweet and drop-dead gorgeous boy in front of him. But…he was scared, nervous, he would be completely misreading the situation. If he went in for the kiss and that wasn’t what Seungmin wanted? He would ruin their friendship entirely! 

“Well- thank you, Seungmin. That’s the one- I think it’ll be really useful for a future assignment or something..that or I’ll just add it to my folio, heh.” Hyunjin pulled away, taking his phone back to quickly distract himself from the overwhelming feelings he had for his younger friend. Get a grip, Hyunjin.  

As soon as Hyunjin pulled away, Seungmin’s stomach dropped. The one time he thought that maybe, just maybe Hyunjin might like him back- this just confirmed his suspicions that he didn’t. Because of course he didn’t, why would he? Someone as gorgeous and talented as Hyunjin would never want to be with someone as broken and ugly as Seungmin. He laughed awkwardly, but it came out a bit broken. He could be mature about this, it wasn’t a big deal, he was fine. 

“Yeah. Yeah, of course..I’m gonna head to sleep now, night Jinnie.” His tone was off, but he doubted Hyunjin would recognise it. He wasn’t even sure he recognised his own regular tone. Seungmin turned to face the opposite way, biting his lip as he felt the usual sting of tears in his eyes, the tightening of his chest, the nausea in his stomach. He was stupid, so, so fucking stupid. He was an idiot- why did he ever think Hyunjin would like him in that way? Why did he bother trying to open his heart up to him? He should’ve never said anything, should’ve never even tried. 

Sleep that night didn’t come easily. Not that it ever did nowadays for Seungmin, but that night was especially difficult. His mind just wouldn’t shut up, running over everything that happened with Hyunjin, how he’d ruined everything and how he was an idiot. The comforting presence of his friends couldn’t even stop the thoughts tonight. The next morning, he felt like he was observing his body from a third party perspective, like a ghost trailing behind, distant from reality. Every movement was slow, nothing really registering in his mind. He walked home alone, mind still distant, body still feeling not like his own. He watched the usual early morning hustle and bustle, people on their way to work, school or something along those lines. He had class later, whether or not he’d actually go was still up for debate. Seungmin knew he’d have to start doing his coursework eventually, or he very well might get kicked out of his course, but every time he sat down to do his work, he ended up just staring at the page for hours, distracted by all the shit in his mind. The overwhelm. The anxiety. The darkness.

By the time he arrived at his lonely apartment, the thoughts were so loud it was making his stomach twist and his head spin. They shouted, screamed at him. He kept replaying the previous night's events in his head, anxiety making him truly sick in the stomach. Seungmin slammed his front door as he entered, throwing off his shoes as the familiar sting of tears in his eyes welcomed him further into the darkness, as his mind clouded with a new layer of depression. The tears rolled freely down his cheeks now as he stumbled towards his bathroom, almost afraid of the person he’d see staring back at him in the mirror. And what he saw wasn’t a pretty sight, he’d always been an ugly crier, crying the ugliness of his soul out into the world. The brunette gripped his bathroom counter, the cool tile under his clammy hands providing at least a little grounding. Seungmin stared into his reflection, grimacing at how ugly and broken he looked, as tears fell from his eyes and broken, half-choked sobs escaped his lips.

He turned to leave the cool bathroom, probably to go lie in bed and cry until no more tears came, but a metallic glint caught his eye- his razor, sitting uselessly on the edge of the counter, mostly unused thanks to his inability to grow much facial hair, not that he’d ever wanted some, he’d most likely look ugly with it. A thought crossed his mind, quiet at first, then overwhelmingly loud. He shouldn’t…it was bad. Shameful. He shouldn’t do that to himself. But the longer he stared, feeling the familiar numbness in his fingertips and the burn from too many tears shed, he entertained the thought. When Jisung had gotten bad…he knew he’d done it. Remembered how everyone reacted when they found out. It wouldn’t be the same for him, the group actually cared for Jisung, they didn’t care for him. Wouldn’t bat an eye if they saw a deep red indent peeking out from under his sleeves or shorts. And that was if they even saw. If Seungmin did this, he’d probably cover it up, so no one knew. So he didn’t burden anyone. Biting his lip, he drifted towards the razor, picking it up to inspect it, as if it were some exhibit at the museum he had the chance to hold himself.

It was a horrible idea, but oh, was it so appealing. Maybe, just maybe, doing this would help to quiet the crowd of screaming voices in his head, even just for a second. To offer some relief. He slid down the wall and pulled his knees to his chest, fiddling with the small object until he was able to pop the razor blade out. The coolness of the metal against his skin was foreign, but somehow familiar and almost comforting. Strange, how the human brain worked. All he did for a good while was stare at the sharp object in his hands, ignoring how his phone pinged a few times, likely the group chat messing around, sending stupid memes and such. No one noticed how Seungmin barely spoke there- why would they? Inhaling shakily, he considered the best place to do it, somewhere that was easy enough to cover up without suspicion from others. Slowly, he looked down at his body, his ugly body, deciding which place would be best. It was illogical, this thought process. Stupid. Oh yeah, where would be the best place to cut myself, where no one will see it? He knew it was stupid, yet he couldn’t help himself from going down that train of thought.

After a few moments of further hesitation, Seungmin shimmied out of the tracksuit pants he’d been wearing, just enough to expose the smooth skin of his thighs. His hand was shaking as he brought the cold blade of the razor down to press against his skin, not enough to slice through the warm surface, but enough to feel the pressure. Theoretically, if he were in a better state of mind, this would be where he would back out, tell himself that this was stupid and that he shouldn’t hurt himself like this. But he wasn’t thinking logically like usual, he wasn’t thinking about what would happen after this, how he’d deal with it. He was only thinking about the short-term gain he was going to get from this, and how, in the back of his mind, he vaguely knew this was better than…the alternative. As one of his hot tears dropped onto his exposed thigh, Seungmin gave in and pushed the razor into the plush flesh, dragging it across and watching as beads of blood began to pool. 

The sting was immediate, the pain from the simple action working to silence the loudness in his mind. Hands still shaking, he repeated the action again just below the first, this time faster and less methodical. Tears blurred his vision as he kept going, getting carried away by the wonderful feeling of the pain. Before he knew it, thin streams of crimson blood were trailing their way down his thigh and pooling on the cold tiles beneath him, and the realisation of what he’d just done hit him like a truck. Feelings of guilt quickly overtook him, and he dropped the blade, tears returning to burn their way out of his tear ducts and leave permanent stains on his cheeks. His breathing was coming out in quick, shallow breaths, each one leaving his throat painfully dry. His head spun, and his hands were clammy, there was blood everywhere. The brunette let out an agonising sob as he fumbled for some toilet paper, trying to hopelessly mop up the blood that was surely staining his white tiles. He pulled his knees closer to his chest and buried his head in his knees, hiccups escaping between sobs. Bloodied tissues sat around him, tiles stained red. His hands were covered, too, and now that he was curled up, he was probably getting the stuff all over his clothes. 

He couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Seungmin didn’t know how long he had been sitting there, how many minutes, hours- days had passed. The blood was long dried now, and no more tears came from his bloodshot eyes. He slowly raised his head, fringe sticking to his head in an uncomfortable way from the way he’d been sweating. A cold breeze drifted in from the small window, and he was suddenly all too aware of the state his thigh was in. Sniffling, he shakily got to his feet, using the bathroom counter to stabilise himself once more. He noticed the dull ache in his thigh immediately, the throb of lingering pain left behind by his actions. His shirt had a little blood on the bottom, but it wasn’t as bad as he had thought it had been. It was cleanable. Hesitantly, he pulled up the waistband of his sweats, wincing as he felt the fabric drag against the newly opened wounds. He had to clean this mess up, especially if one of his friends decided to pay him a surprise visit as they so often did. 

Walking was a strange sensation, every movement brushed the fabric of his sweats against the cuts, and they stung each time, a constant reminder of what he’d done. It had provided him relief in the moment, even felt a little nice to his painstakingly numb body, but the consequences of his actions were very, very real, and he was left to deal with the aftermath entirely alone. He cleaned up the bloody tissues, got some of the tile cleaner from under the sink and slowly washed away any evidence that anything had even happened. Of course, the razor was still sitting there, staring tauntingly at him. He picked it up with a slight tremor in his hands, and decided to put it underneath his toothbrush holder. He was fine, totally fine. This was simply something that would brush over, everything was fine. Taking a shaky breath, he left his bathroom and shut the door behind him, trying his best to ignore the events that had taken place in there. Right. He had class..yeah..he should study before that. Blinking away unshed tears, Seungmin made his way over to his room to distract himself with his overdue coursework.

He could pretend everything was fine for a little longer. 

Chapter Text

Hyunjin was starting to get worried. What started off as small things he was noticing about Seungmin were now becoming more prominent- too obvious to just ignore. Seungmin had always been one of the quieter ones in the group, an introvert, someone who liked to keep to himself. But these last few days…something was off. He’d tried reaching out to the younger boy, asking to catch up before or after practice, but each time Seungmin had politely declined, giving some excuse about being busy with his studies or simply too tired. Even Jeongin hadn’t been able to get through to him. That’s when Hyunjin knew it was getting bad. He had hoped that the upcoming party for Jeongin’s birthday would help uplift his mood, if not for the party, then for Jeongin himself. He hoped it worked. He hoped it wasn’t as bad as he thought it was, that Seungmin really was just in an off mood.

Minho’s small house was packed full of their silly group of friends, all chatting and laughing as they prepped for the party. This was a big birthday for Jeongin, that being the big one-eight. 18. Their baby bread was growing up now, in his final year of high school and all. Felix and Minho were in the kitchen, meticulously prepping the food and, of course, a two-tier chocolate cake made by the ray of sunshine himself. Felix wanted his (crush’s) friend’s birthday to be as perfect as possible. Minho, generally being the resident cook of the group, gladly took up that role once more for the maknae. Jisung and Changbin were messing around with balloons and streamers, being watched with a sharp, but amused glare from Chan on the sofa. Hyunjin was with Jeongin, doing his makeup and hair for the big day. He’d seen Seungmin helping Chan before, but again he was noticeably quieter than usual. Hyunjin was helping Jeongin do his hair and makeup in Minho’s bedroom, away from the chaos of their group.

The older male hummed as he took in the eyeshadow work on one eye, biting his lip as he contemplated whether or not he liked the way the makeup was looking. Jeongin was admittedly a very pretty guy, and this makeup was only accentuating that natural beauty. As he went back to touch up the first eye and begin on the second, Jeongin nibbled on his bottom lip. 

“Jinnie hyung- do you…Do you think Felix will think I’m pretty?” He looked nervous, it was adorable. Hyunjin grinned.

“I think he already does, Iyenah. He’s just…distracted by the world around him. But maybe- with how gorgeous you’ll look tonight, he’ll finally realise that himself.” The younger male blushed, smiling bashfully, and Hyunjin couldn’t help but chuckle. After some comfortable silence, filled only with the faint noise coming from the main area, Jeongin spoke up again, quieter this time. 

“I hope Seungmin cheers up a bit. He’s been so down...I hate seeing him like this.” 

Hyunjin’s smile faded, and he nodded solemnly. He was glad to know he wasn’t the only one noticing Seungmin’s behaviour. He didn’t want to dampen the mood of the day or the party, but he supposed they had to bring it up at some point.

“He’ll be alright, Innie. He’s probably just...stressed with college and stuff. If something was truly wrong, he’d come to us, yeah? Especially after Jisung-” he paused, pursing his lips. It was best not to get into that now. Not on a day like this. Jeongin finally opened his eyes and looked up at Hyunjin hesitantly. The older sighed. “What I’m saying is that if it was really that bad, he’d come to us. Because we love him, and we’re here for him.” The younger managed a small smile, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

“Yeah. I know. Thanks, Hyunjinnnie.” He smiled softly at Jeongin, grabbing a small mirror to show him his makeup. Upon seeing it, his eyes widened, and that signature smile grew on his face, reaching right up to his eyes and causing them to crinkle.

“Wow, hyung…you really have a talent for this! It’s perfect, thank you so much.” Jeongin hugged Hyunjin, and the ravenette couldn’t help himself as he reached up to ruffle the younger's oreo-coloured hair.

“Alright, alright. C’mon now, I’m sure the others are just dying to see you. Get changed and go get that blonde sunshine.” Hyunjin smirked knowingly, snickering as he watched Jeongin’s cheeks turn a light shade of pink, reaching the tips of his ears. Satisfied with himself, Hyunjin left Jeongin to get changed, stepping out of Minho’s room and straight into the chaos of the main area. Changbin was chasing Jisung around the living room, armed with a balloon, trying and failing to rub it against Jisung's curly brunette locks. Chan and Seungmin sat on the couch, the eldest watching the two for a bit more before stepping in, standing up to grab Changbin by the arms and force him to sit on the couch, murmuring something Hyunjin couldn’t hear into his ear. Jisung breathed a sigh of relief, going over to the counter to steal some of the food Minho was preparing, earning a glare from the older male. 

Hyunjin smiled, but frowned once more as his gaze landed on Seungmin sitting on the couch, tying balloons with an absent look in his eyes. After a quick glance around the room, he walked over to the younger male and smiled, poking his cheek softly. Seungmin jumped slightly, looking up at him with a curious look. 

“Everything alright, Hyunjin-ah?” Despite his distanced look, Hyunjin still found himself obsessing over how downright cute his puppy looked.

“You done with those balloons? Wanna help me set up the table outside before Innie gets out?” Seungmin blinked a bit before nodding slowly. 

“Sure thing. Just give me a sec.” he tied off the balloon he had been working on and threw it at Changbin’s head, smirking slightly at the offended look on the older’s face. The ravenette held out his hand for Seungmin to take, which the younger eventually took and let the older male drag him outside, where the two tables were folded up and leaned against the back wall of the house.

The two of them quietly set the tables up, and something in Hyunjin’s stomach swirled, making him feel uneasy. 

“So what did you get Jeongin for his birthday?” The air between them was rigid and awkward- Hyunjin hated it. It had never been like this between them before. Seungmin grabbed a folded-up tablecloth and began laying it out on the two tables.

“Some new clothes and a book on that star sign stuff he’s into at the moment.” There was a slight smile on the brunette's face as he spoke about Jeongin, no amount of sadness or shitty emotions could get rid of the deep-rooted fondness he felt for the maknae. 

“That’s nice- he’s gonna love it, promise. I got him some cookbooks- Minho’s idea, but I think he’ll enjoy them. Plus a small sketch pad since he keeps watching my art over my shoulder so much.” Hyunjin chuckled, shaking his head. A silly pair of presents, but he knew Jeongin would love it. 

They exchanged some pretty meaningless, still awkward small talk as they finished setting the tables up. By the time they had gone back inside with the others, Jeongin had finally left Minho’s room in his outfit for the day. A cropped white button up, black tie and a cropped black blazer. These were paired with a black leather skirt and some belts and what Hyunjin assumed were some simple black leggings with some boots. He looked great- all grown up. The ravenette didn’t miss the look of pure awe on Felix’s face as he gawked at the youngest, and he smirked at that. The group erupted in cheers and loud chatter again as they practically swarmed Jeongin, whilst Hyunjin noticed that once again, Seungmin seemed to lag behind the others. He bit his lip, brows furrowing in concern, but was quickly pulled from his mind as Felix dragged him to the kitchen to help bring the food out, cheeks bright red and rambling about how good Jeongin looked in that outfit. 

After they set up all the food and such, the party was in full swing. Jisung had brought one of his speakers and connected his phone to it, playing a playlist he and Jeongin had made together. The music was booming, the vibe was immaculate, yet Hyunjin couldn’t take his eyes of Seungmin- whether that be because of worry or attraction. Either his brows were furrowed, watching Seungmin stand awkwardly off to the side, or he was gawking, eyes wide as he watched the younger male smile for the first time in ages, dancing alongside Jeongin and Felix. It was so odd. One moment, Seungmin was smiling and even laughing alongside Jeongin, and the next he was standing away from the group, staring blankly off into the distance. It was almost like whiplash for Hyunjin, and he was struggling to figure out how he felt about the whole ordeal. 

Minho had a small pool outside, despite not being able to swim himself, but it made for good use by the partygoers. Chan sat on the side with just his feet in, swinging them back and forth and watching the ripples in the water. Minho’s cooking was absolutely delightful as per usual, so Jisung had barely moved away from the food table, and Felix had even caught him dipping his finger into the icing of the cake, yelling obscenities at him. Minho swooped in to save him, whispering something in his ear that made the younger blush. Hyunjin raised a brow at that, but decided not to question it. He let himself loose a little, dancing with his friends, vibing to the music and laughing at his friends' jokes. It was shaping up to be a good night! Plus, Jeongin seemed to be enjoying himself, and that was the main thing. 

Eventually they settled down into some lawn chairs surrounding a small fire pit, chatting idly whilst Felix grabbed the small pile of presents from inside. They all watched eagerly as Jeongin opened them all, reading the cards and smiling brightly, thanking each of the group as he opened their present. He ended up with quite the haul, which he seemed to be very happy with, a collection of things he needed and loved. His friends knew him well. With presents being done, Minho and Felix rushed to add candles to the cake, light it and bring it over. They sang happy birthday, and for some stupid reason Hyunjin was fixated on the gorgeous way Seungmin sang it. For such a simple, regular song, he still made it beautiful. It was just one of those things, those little insignificant things that mattered so much to someone who was completely head over heels. Jeongin blew the candles out and they all had a slice of Felix’s delicious baking. All of them except for Seungmin, that was. 

Soon enough, the drinks came out. Jeongin wasn’t technically of age just yet, but no one else was going to leave him out of the fun on a day like this. Jisung after only one drink was his loud, boisterous self, clinging to Minho’s side and practically yelling in the poor guy's ear with reddened cheeks. Hyunjin had some of his own, but could feel his worry growing with each drink Seungmin downed concerningly quickly. Considering the likely empty stomach he was on, this amount of alcohol was…worrying. The ravenette was going to go approach him, but was hit by the sudden need to pee. The only bathroom was the ensuite attached to Minho’s bedroom, so he rushed there and pushed the door open with a sense of urgency- only to come across the sight of Minho on top of Jisung, the two in the middle of a heated make out session, a tangle of legs that Hyunjin forced his eyes away from, gawking. Okay- so the ensuite wasn’t an option. Guess he’d just have to hold it in until they were done with…that. It was inevitable he supposed, the two of them that is. He couldn’t help but feel a little jealous, even if that was a lame feeling. 

Sighing, he went back outside and went to sit with Chan who was back beside the pool with his feet in. 

“Are you just gonna sit here all night Hyung, or are you actually going to go in the pool?” he giggled, poking the older male in the arm. Chan smiled easily, it was a smile that had always brought Hyunjin a lot of comfort. He could also tell that the older male was far more sober than everyone else at the party. 

“I’m just enjoying myself, Jinnie. Plus, someone's gotta be on the ready in case something happens, you know how everyone can get when we’re drunk- you included, mister.” He ruffled Hyunjin’s hair, causing the younger one to pout.

“Hey- I’m not as bad as Jisung at least.” The brunette laughed, shaking his head. 

“True, true- speaking of which, you seen him or Minho?” To this, the ravenette snickered under his breath. 

“Yeahhh- they’re uh..having some alone time in Minho’s room.” Hyunjin leaned back on his palms, gazing up into the sky where the stars had come out, twinkling in the sky, and only slightly blurry from his inebriated state.  

“‘Bout damn time. Those two have been dancing around each other for just about forever.” Having had a drink or two himself, Chan’s Aussie accent shone through a bit more clearly. Hyunjin hummed, admiring the sky for a moment longer before standing up and stretching. 

“Well, I'm gonna get myself one more drink I think, before I get carried away and start dancing like an idiot.” 

“Only if you promise that will be your last one- I don’t want to be carrying you home over my shoulder again.” The younger male's cheeks flushed, and he ducked his head in embarrassment. 

“Oh shush. Enjoy your moon bathing, old man.”  Hyunjin left Chan to his own devices, heading over to the fridge to grab himself another drink, where he saw Seungmin sculling yet another bottle of Soju- he didn’t know how many the younger male had of those. “Woah woah woah- slow down there, Minnie.” He raised his head in an attempt to take the bottle from the brunette, but he huffed and pulled away. 

“I’m fine, Hyunjin.” His words slurred, and his vision was totally out of focus. 

“How many of those have you had, Min..?” Hyunjin’s brows knitted together anxiously, that nervous feeling in his stomach returning. Seungmin waved his hand dismissively, shrugging. 

“Doesn’t matter, because I’m fine. Stop worrying about me.” The brunette made a move to walk away, but Hyunjin grabbed his arm to stop him. 

“Seungmin- wait. Of course I’m worried about you.” He bit his lip, deciding if this was the best time to bring this up. Unfortunately, he was too under the influence to stop himself. “You’ve been acting off for days- and..and tonight, at your best friend's birthday party you’re still acting strange. You’ve barely eaten. You- I’m worried, Seungmin. Is something wrong? Why won’t you tell us? Why won’t you tell me?” It was probably selfish of him, no, it definitely was. But he was tired, drunk and worried sick for someone he had a major crush on. Seungmin scoffed, practically rolling his eyes.

“I said to stop worrying about me, Hyunjin. I’m fine- I don’t need yours or anyone else’s help.” He tried to force Hyunjin’s hand off his arm, to no avail. 

“That’s obviously not true. If you would just talk to me-“ 

“I don’t WANT to talk, Hyunjin. Just- leave me alone, okay? Because I’m fine. I’m fine and I don’t need anyone’s help. Not you, not Jeongin- no one.” tears prickled the ravenette’s eyes as his voice softened, and he tugged Seungmin closer. 

“Please, Seungmin. Talk to me. I want to help you…Minnie, please.” The look on Seungmin’s face was something Hyunjin couldn’t read, but he was quick to snap out of it and physically shove him away. Hyunjin groaned as his head hit one of the upper cabinets, and this finally caught the attention of the others inside, as Chan ran in to see what was happening. 

“What’s going on? Is everything okay?” The ravenette didn’t even spare Chan a glance, all his focus on the boy in front of him. Things were clearly worse than he thought.

“Seungmin please. Talk to me. We can’t let things get worse than they already are.” 

“And I said I’m FINE.” Seungmin yanked his hand away again, the bottle in his hand shattering and slicing the palm of his hand open. The younger boy barely reached, clenching his fist and looking at the crowd now surrounding them. His eyes landed on Jeongin, a deep frown etched into his face and tears in his eyes. Hyunjin jumped to grab something to clean the wound with, bandage it up maybe, but Seungmin stumbled away. “I’m getting an Uber home. Jeongin I- I’m sorry.” And with that he turned and left, leaving the group looking utterly stunned behind him. Minho and Jisung stumbled out of Minho’s bedroom, hair ruffled, cheeks flushed and lip stick marks all over the eldest’s neck. They blinked, practically in unison as they looked over to the group. Minho was the one to speak up, clearing his throat first. 

“What...happened?”

Chan looked to Hyunjin, who was shaking, a tear rolling down his cheek. He made a move to go over and assist, but was pushed out of the way by Felix, who rushed over to his friend. Hyunjin was grateful for this, wrapping his arms around his best friend and crying into his shoulder. He gave the group a brief rundown on what happened, Felix’s hand in his grasp at all times to help comfort him. 

“I-I’m sorry, Jeongin…I’ve totally- ruined your birthday.” He gave the maknae an apologetic look, but he only smiled and rubbed Hyunjin’s arm. 

“It’s okay, Jinnie. Don’t worry about it, really.” The room fell silent, but the ravenette was restless, fidgeting with a strand of his black hair. 

“I should…I should go over and apologise. At least just- make sure he’s okay, right? I shouldn’t have pushed him and...I shouldn’t have done that. I need to apologise.” Felix opened his mouth, shut it, then opened it again. 

“I dunno…he might need some space. Just for now.” 

A few of the others nodded, but Hyunjin couldn’t get the sick feeling out of his stomach. It didn’t feel right. He should at least make sure he got home okay. He fumbled in his pockets for his phone, sending Seungmin a few texts to make sure he actually made it home. When it had been too long, the sick feeling only got stronger, and it wasn’t the alcohol. Unfortunately the vibe for the party had kinda died after that, so people began to head home for the night, wishing Jeongin a final happy birthday before heading out. Hyunjin took an Uber home with Felix, both of them being far too drunk to drive- not that either of them were particularly good at driving regardless. The whole way home Hyunjin was distracted, gazing out the window. His texts still hadn’t gotten a response. What if Seungming hadn’t made it home safe? What if something happened on the way? He tried not to think about it, but once he finally got home and helped Felix settle into bed, he called himself another Uber and went to Seungmin’s apartment. 

He took the stairs, using the extra time to help him sober up some more. He hadn’t drank that much, but enough that he’d gotten a decent headache from it all. Once he’d reached the door to Seungmin’s apartment, he knocked once, twice, three times with no response. Something wasn’t right. 

“Seungmin! Please open the door- I get your upset but please, I just wanted to apologise.” And make sure you’re okay. No response. Hesitating, he checked the door handle and it surprisingly gave way- it was unlocked. He took a shaky inhale, glancing around nervously before he pushed the door open. “Seungmin?” The lights were on, and the place was a complete mess, but his fluffy haired puppy was nowhere to be seen. Probably in his room, right? As he moved closer to the younger’s bedroom, he noticed the door of his bathroom slightly ajar, the light inside on. Hyunjin’s stomach fell through the floor as he turned and stepped towards it. 

With shaking hands, Hyunjin pushed open the door and braced himself.

Chapter Text

Hyunjin felt like his whole world was crashing down. His stomach fell fully through the floor, and screams rang out through his ears. He dropped to his knees, and it took a moment for him to realise it was he who was letting out those screams. Seungmin was on the floor in his little bathroom, and there was blood everywhere. This couldn’t be happening- this couldn’t be real. It was just a bad dream. Seungmin would never do this, he wouldn’t. It couldn’t be that bad. At first, he tried shaking the younger boy, holding out some hope that this was all a dream, or some stupid prank, and Seungmin would open his eyes, laugh it off and be okay. But he didn’t. This was real, and Hyunjin realised if he didn’t act quickly, something worse would happen. He couldn’t bear to think about that, so whilst still clutching Seungmin’s motionless body to his chest, he fumbled for his phone and called emergency services. When he tried to speak, his throat was scratchy and dry, everything around him was too much. He couldn’t lose Seungmin, he just couldn’t. God, if he hadn’t had that argument with him..

Eventually, he managed to get enough words out to alert them that he needed an ambulance as soon as possible, that his friend was hurt and bleeding out all over his bathroom floor. Hyunjin’s eyes scanned the floor, and his gaze fell upon a sharp, bloody razor. His breathing hitched, and his heart skipped a beat. The responder told him that an ambulance would arrive as soon as possible and advised him to stay calm. They reassured him that everything would be alright, but Hyunjin couldn’t bring himself to believe them. Because what if it wasn’t alright? What if that argument was the last time he’d ever get to hear Seungmin’s voice? What if today was the last day he’d ever see his smile, listen to his beautiful laugh? Looking down at his face now, the brunette almost looked peaceful with his eyes closed, like this was the outcome he’d wanted all along. Hyunjin hated himself for even thinking that. 

When the paramedics arrived, he felt like a husk of himself, an empty shell, barely present as they tore Seungmin from his clutch and rushed him into the ambulance. He went along with them, a blanket being wrapped around his shoulders. The hospital was cold, sterile, and far too white for his liking. Seungmin would hate it here, complain that there wasn’t enough colour, ask Hyunjin what he would do with such a big, blank canvas. They asked him questions, and he told them how Seungmin had been off recently, but he could’ve never predicted something like this. At some point, he messaged the group chat, letting everyone know what happened. Not all of them could make it to the hospital, but Chan, Jeongin and Felix were there in the blink of an eye, by Hyunjin’s side and holding him close. He hadn’t seen the others look like this since Jisung…They did let them into Seungmin’s room- Hyunjin felt sick all over again. 

There he was, lying under a thin blanket in one of those uncomfortable hospital gowns. He knew that Seungmin hated them, he’d told him so when explaining how he’d broken his arm playing baseball as a kid. Hyunjin looked hesitantly over at Chan, receiving a nod from the older male. That was all he needed as he rushed to the brunette's side, clutching his limp hand. Jeongin did the same on the other side, and Hyunjin took in his glassy eyes and smudged mascara from earlier in the day, his heart aching even more. If this was impacting him as badly as it was, he couldn’t imagine how Jeongin, Seungmin’s childhood best friend, was feeling. Chan and Felix carefully approached, Felix wrapping his arms around Hyunjin’s waist and resting his head on the older’s shoulder.

“The doctors said he’d be okay, Jinnie. It’s going to be okay.” The blonde murmured quietly into his ear, so that only he would hear and know it was true. In all honesty, Hyunjin had been barely paying attention as the nurses and doctors were talking to them about Seungmin’s condition. All he’d really picked up was something about ‘blood loss’ and needing a ‘transfusion’.

He knew that logically, Seungmin would be fine. Physically, at least. Mentally…he wasn’t so sure. Clearly, his mental state had been far worse than any of them could’ve predicted, so much so that it led to this, accidental or not. The ravenette stared down at the hand that wasn’t clutching Seungmin’s, and thought about how they were still stained from the brunette’s blood. He was an idiot, he should’ve seen the signs, should’ve acted upon his worries earlier. Just today, he’d been reassuring Jeongin, saying he was okay and he’d come to them if he needed help. But he didn’t. Hyunjin should’ve known, should’ve been a better friend. Maybe if he’d reached out more, tried harder, then this wouldn’t have happened. But that was what set it off, right? He was worried, he tried to reach out to Seungmin, and he only pushed him away. Maybe he didn’t want him at all. The thought hit him like a truck, and he let out an audible gasp, tears filling his eyes once more. Everyone in the room looked at him, and he felt Felix’s arms hug him tighter.

“What’s wrong, Hyunjin?” Chan’s voice was soft, far too soft, like he was comforting a child who’d fallen over and scraped their knee. It made Hyunjin feel weak and useless. The words he wanted to say got stuck in his throat, and instead came out as a choked sob, as he hid his face in Felix’s shoulder. If he didn’t face the world, then maybe this would all go away. Maybe everything would go back to normal, and they wouldn’t be sitting here, hoping Seungmin opened his eyes again. Just last weekend, everything had been mostly normal, they were having lunch in that amazing ramen cafe. Seungmin had been there, a bit sadder than usual but still there. He was lively, smiling where he could and full of warmth. Now, as Hyunjin stared at his motionless body, he was pale and cool to the touch, his hand limp in Hyunjin’s. Wrong. He did manage to calm down, mostly due to Felix being an ever calming presence beside him, despite how horrible the blonde must be feeling too. He hesitated before speaking, his voice rough and raw. 

“Is this…my fault?” 

Everyone looked at him with wide eyes, tears in the corners of them, but Jeongin was quick to speak up. Hyunjin could tell by the look in his eyes that he was barely holding it together. He respected him for doing his best at a time like this, when he himself was so clearly falling apart. 

“Of course not, Hyung…we could’ve never known Minnie was going through this. You know…you know how he is when it comes to this stuff. He likes to keep to himself and doesn't want to bother us. He’s always been this way. I wish this time he came to us but…the past is in the past now, right-?” It almost sounded like he was trying to reassure himself with his words. Hyunjin’s heart twisted painfully. He slowly nodded. “What’s important is that he’s here now. He’s alive. That’s what matters.” The ravenette forced himself to believe what Jeongin was saying was true, he was trying so hard to believe it was true. Chan sighed, rubbing the tiredness from his eyes as he ruffled Jeongin’s hair. 

“I gotta get home and tell Binnie what’s happening. You guys keep me updated, and please, try and get some rest. He’d want that.” 

Hyunjin knew how hard it must’ve been for Chan to do that, to leave them at a time like this, but their beloved Channie needed his rest, even if he would never admit it. 

“Give Binnie a big hug for me, Hyung?” Felix piped up again from beside Hyunjin, tilting his head slightly at the older male. Chan smiled and nodded, hugging Jeongin, then Felix, then eventually Hyunjin, softly kissing the top of his head. 

“Rest, Jinnie. Promise me?” He blinked up at Chan before slowly nodding. 

“Promise.” He whispered, voice only slightly shaky. Chan left, and eventually Felix whispered that he had to leave because of work the next day. Hyunjin protested a bit, but the blonde assured him he’d be alright with Jeongin here. He hugged Felix tightly before he left and went right back to focusing on Seungmin. That night, he barely slept. Jeongin too. They both sat by his side, fell asleep there, and woke up to find Seungmin still unresponsive to the world. They asked the doctors, but they weren’t much help from then onwards, much to Chan’s dismay in the group chat. 

Then, the doctors came in to tell them the news they’d been dreading to hear. 

“It appears that Mr Kim has fallen into a coma. We are unsure when he’ll wake up- could be days, weeks, even months. He lost a lot of blood, unfortunately.” And then he just left the two stunned men, as if he hadn’t delivered some earth-shattering news. Jeongin fell back in his seat, staring at the peaceful image of Seungmin on the hospital bed. 

“A coma…he’s in- he’s in a coma.” Hyunjin stared at Seungmin’s face, processing those words a million times over. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, trying to wrap his head around that. 

“He’ll wake up soon. He will- won’t he? He’ll be fine. He has to be.” Jeongin was quick to tell the group chat, and they were all just as shocked. Felix messaged Hyunjin privately. 

Yongbokkie

> jinnie, how you doing? I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, wish I was there to help. 

> I know you dont want to hear this, but you do need to come home, even just for a little bit! you’ve barely slept, havent showered…im just worried, thats all

> i can come pick you up if you want, im free from work

> please?

Hyunjin frowned, not liking the idea of leaving Seungmin’s side. What if he woke up while he wasn’t there? He’d feel more guilty than he already did. The ravenette stared down at his phone, nibbling on his bottom lip as he considered. Felix was right, he hadn’t been taking care of himself recently, far too worried about Seungmin. He’d been here for two days now- or was it three? He honestly didn’t know. Time moved differently here. Hyunjin looked up at Seungmin, then over at Jeongin on the other side of the bed. 

“Lix says I need to go home to look after myself… I don’t want to, though. What if he wakes up while I’m gone?” Jeongin smiled softly. He was tired too. 

“I’ll be here, Hyung. If he wakes up, I’ll message you immediately. Yongbokkie is right, though, you need to look after yourself as well as Minnie,” the younger male sighed, rubbing his thumb along the back of Seungmin’s hand. “How about this, you go home, freshen up, have some food and stuff, then you come back here and we switch. I’ll go home and look after myself for a bit before coming back. Seungmin would want that, anyway. He’d want us to look after ourselves.” 

Why did the youngest of their group have to be so damn mature? Hyunjin ran a hand through his black locks, wincing as his fingers caught on multiple knots hidden there. A shower did sound nice, if he was being honest. With one final look at Seungmin, he raised the hand he was holding to his lips and placed a gentle kiss on the back, holding his hand there for a few moments, eyes closed. 

“I’ll be back, Minnie, promise. Stay strong for us,” he whispered the words, like a secret only the three of them were in on. “I’ll bring some food for you when I get back, Iyenah. Let me know if anything happens, yeah?” Jeongin nodded, so he messaged Felix to pick him up, and slowly made his way out of the hospital to sit out the front. It was freezing, the cold biting at his skin, causing goosebumps to appear all over. Then, as if mocking him, it began to rain. It seemed the world was reflecting his shitty situation, only making it worse. He hated to be pessimistic, but with everything happening- who could blame him?

Felix pulled up to the pickup zone in a little under 20 minutes, calling out for Hyunjin to hop in. It took him a few moments, his brain acting slowly again. He should probably talk to someone about that. Oh well. The car ride back home was mostly quiet, not filled with the lively laughter, chatter or loud singing as usual. They were both struggling through this. The blonde glanced over at Hyunjin at a red light, watching the way he gazed out the partially-frosted window, cheek smooshed against the glass. 

“You can’t blame yourself for what happened, Jinnie. It’s not your fault. I know...I know you’re blaming yourself. But you just can’t. It’ll only make things worse. Minnie wouldn’t want you to, regardless.” And Hyunjin knew Felix was right, he knew he shouldn’t, but that didn’t stop his thoughts from spiralling.

“I should've tried harder, Lix…maybe then- maybe then he’d be okay. Maybe then-” Felix was quick to cut him off, shaking his head.

“No. Hyunjin- I’m telling you that you can’t do this. You can’t spiral. Look what happened with Minho and Chan back when Jisung was in hospital. They didn’t sleep, didn’t eat…didn’t do anything but cry and blame themselves.”

His friend's words cut deep, but they were true. Too true. It didn’t help that he was being reminded of back then, the parallels being pointed out between what was happening now and what happened then. Too similar, too familiar. Too painful. Hyunjin sniffled, rubbing the tears from his eyes before they had the chance to fall. 

“I know…you’re right. I’m sorry. I can’t get it out of my head that this is somehow all my fault. I know it’s not, but…that doesn’t stop my brain from believing it.” Felix sighed again, and Hyunjin glanced over.

“I know. I get it.” They arrived home, and Hyunjin was grateful for Felix leaving the heater on, as he entered and sighed in relief at the warmth of the apartment. He let his friend cook him some food, as well as extra to bring back Jeongin like he’d promised, had a shower and packed a small bag for when he returned to the hospital. He didn’t know how long he’d be there, after all. As he was packing, he noticed out of the corner of his eye the painting he'd been working on. The one of Seungmin. 

He dropped the clothes he’d been packing and walked slowly over to his easel, gently tracing Seungmin’s painted face with a light touch. He looked so beautiful here, a moment captured from a time when everything was fine. A time when everything was normal, and Seungmin was smiling and laughing beside him. It made his heart ache. Hyunjin decided there that this piece wasn’t going to be for some trivial art assignment, but for Seungmin himself. He decided that it needed to be completed by the time the younger male woke up, the thought alone giving Hyunjin the motivation he needed to push through this. He grabbed his paints, put his earphones in and continued on with the painting with a renewed sense of determination. He had to finish this. For Seungmin. That's how the next few weeks went, Hyunjin was either at the hospital with Seungmin and Jeongin, holding his hand as the two took turns just talking to their puppy, even if he couldn’t hear a word they were saying. If he wasn’t there, he was at home, tirelessly working on his painting and, with Felix’s help, looking after himself the best he could. 

With only a short time left before the school year started, Hyunjin was trying to busy himself the best he could, trying to save himself from spiraling any further without Seungmin. He hoped, prayed that he would wake up soon, because Hyunjin wasn’t sure how much longer he could cope without hearing Seungmin’s laugh. The videos on his phone that he’d been replaying over and over just didn’t cut it. Exhaling softly, barely audible above the music he had blasting in his ears, Radiohead, to be specific, Hyunjin sat back in his chair and took in the painting in front of him. It was finally finished, complete. And gosh, was it gorgeous. Seungmin’s beauty was accentuated so wonderfully, natural in many ways, but also mystical and otherworldly. He looked like an angel sent down from the heavens, someone he was lucky to be on the same Earth with. It was perfect, just how he’d wanted it to look. He was glad he took the extra time to work on it. Hopefully, Seungmin would wake up soon, so Hyunjin could give him this. He hoped he liked it. 

Hyunjin stretched and groaned, yawning. He was always tired these days, sleep didn’t come easily. Not that it necessarily did before, but it was even worse now. He stood up, quickly cleaned up his supplies, and left to grab some food, spotting Felix in the kitchen having some leftover soup from last night. 

“Hey, Bokkie. Can I have some? I’m gonna head to see Seungmin soon.” The blonde nodded, serving Hyunjin a small serving. 

“How are you doing, Hyune?” he shrugged, slowly picking at his soup and shovelling it into his mouth before it got cold. He only winced slightly as he felt the hot liquid burn his throat.

“As good as I can be…my painting is finished, though. When he wakes up, I’m gonna show it to him. I hope- I hope he likes it.” Felix smiled softly. He looked tired. 

“He’ll love it, Jinnie. Don’t you worry.” he sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I’ve been- stress baking, so I’m gonna take the cookies and vanilla slices I made last night to work tomorrow, otherwise we’re going to run out of cupboard space.” The ravanette chuckled, nodding.

“Only if I get some of those cookies first, they smelt amazing when they were out of the oven.”

“Sounds like a deal.” With that, the blonde went over to the cupboard and took the cookies out, putting them into a smaller container before handing them over to Hyunjin. “Here you go. You heading off now?” He noticed the older male had finished his soup, so he took the bowl and cleaned it for him. Hyunjin nodded, getting up and stretching. Felix bit his lip. “Say hi to Jeongin for me?” He smiled knowingly at his friend, shaking his head with a chuckle.

“Of course, Lixxie. I’ll make sure he rests up too.” And with that, Hyunjin grabbed a jacket, his wallet and keys, slipped on his shoes and headed out the door to the bus stop.

˗ˏˋ ♡ ˎˊ˗

The first thing Seungmin noticed was the slow, methodic beeping coming from somewhere close to his head. The world spun, and his head ached. What happened? It felt like when Seungmin would nap after getting home in high school, the feeling when he woke up being so strange and disorientating he’d once convinced himself he’d slept through the entire night and was going to be late for school in the morning. He groaned, cracking his eyes open only to be met with a painfully bright light. His vision was blurry, and his mind still hadn’t caught up with the fact his body was coming back to reality. Something moved beside him, there was a pressure on his left side, but he couldn’t register what or who it was. They were saying something, crying, maybe? Everything was muffled. Like he was underwater. The ache in his head only grew with the too-bright lights, and he shakily reached a hand up to shield himself. Except his movements were slow and awkward. Then, out of nowhere a warm hand was placed on his cheek, and his brain finally let him take in who it was.

Hwang Hyunjin.

Hwang Hyunjin with tears rolling down his cheeks, overflowing from wide, beautiful brown eyes. His black hair fell as elegantly down his neck as usual- but those eyes, his eyes. They were beautiful, but they were tired, backed up by the dark circles underneath them. Seungmin opened his mouth, but his throat felt dry and scratchy from lack of use. 

“Hyun…jinnie-?” His voice sounded foreign to his own ears, but he tried to ignore the uneasy feeling that brought him. Another sob fell from Hyunjin’s lips, and with the gentleness of one cradling a newborn baby, he wrapped his arms around Seungmin and held him as tight as he could without hurting him. Hesitantly, he returned the hug and held Hyunjin's shaking body close. It was…nice. If a bit unusual. He didn’t realise how much he’d missed physical contact like this since he’d been pushing himself away. It was nice. He decided he wanted more, especially from Hyunjin. 

“You’re awake…you’re really awake. God, Minnie, I’ve missed you so god damn much…you- you scared me, idiot…” he whimpered, resting his forehead against Seungmin’s, his voice cracking in the last part and trailing off.

“I-I’m sorry…I didn’t. I didn’t mean to…it was just- it was so loud, Jinnie…” Tears prickled Seungmin’s eyes now too, and he held Hyunjin impossibly closer, burying his face in the ravenette’s shoulder, taking a moment to appreciate the smell of his hair. It brought a much needed comfort to the younger male. Hyunjin sniffled, moving his hand to cradle the back of Seungmin’s head and gently stroke his hair.

“I know…it’s okay. You’re here now. I-I’m sorry for our argument. I just…wanted to help. I hate seeing you like this.” It hit him like a gut-punch, just how much Hyunjin cared about him, even when his brain had convinced him that he wasn’t worth it, that no one cared. But someone did. There was someone there for him, willing to give a shit about his problems. Hyunjin was here, just for him. The older male pulled away from the hug slightly, so their faces were inches apart- and Seungmin was suddenly getting deja vu. He was reminded why he’d stopped trying with Hyunjin, because this gorgeous, ethereal boy didn’t like him like that, and wasn't interested in that sort of thing with someone ugly like him.

But then, Hyunjin spoke. Softly, under his breath, just for Seungmin to hear. 

“You know…I wanted to kiss you that night, at the sleepover. You looked so pretty in the moonlight, like something out of this world. But- I chickened out, got scared.” The brunette’s eyes widened, lips parting in shock as he stared up at Hyunjin, the boy he’d had a crush on for so long, the boy who’d just confessed he wanted to kiss him. 

“You…you did? Because- I swear to God if this is some- some sick joke—” Seungmin didn’t have the chance to finish, as Hyunjin cupped his cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss. It was amazing, all Seungmin had ever dreamed of, despite the circumstances. Now he knew that Hyunjin’s lips were as soft as he’d imagined, slotting together with his own like they belonged there, like they were perfectly formed to be together in this way. Now he knew he tasted sweet with a bit of bite, so uniquely Hyunjin. It was amazing, and Seungmin found himself breathless as the older male pulled away. 

“Sorry…I just- you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that, Minnie.”

Seungmin couldn’t help it, he grinned, feeling Hyunjin’s raven locks between his fingers. 

“Me too…” Their little bubble was popped by the sound of a door opening, and the two turned to see Jeongin standing there, eyes wide with the beginning of tears forming in his eyes. 

“Seungmin you- you’re awake. Oh my god-“ he dropped the bag he’d been holding and ran to the brunette’s side, gently shoving Hyunjin out the way to hug his best friend. Seungmin hugged him back, beginning to cry all over again. 

“I’m sorry Innie- I shouldn’t have- it was your birthday I- I didn’t mean to please. Forgive me...I’m sorry…” Jeongin shook his head, sniffling to hold back his sobs.

“Don’t be sorry, Minnie. I’m sorry. I’m your best friend and I didn’t try to reach out. I’m just glad you’re safe, hyung…” the two boys caught Seungmin up with things that had happened while he was away, and soon some nurses came in to check on him, making sure everything was okay. 

They told him that he’d need to be in the hospital for just a bit longer so they could monitor him, but after that he was free to go home. They also heavily suggested Seungmin look into therapy, which he wholeheartedly agreed with. It was finally time to get some help and work on himself for once. Of course, they let the rest of the group know he was awake and okay, and the next thing he knew their entire group was packed into a small hospital room, all fighting to get more of Seungmin’s attention. It felt nice to be the centre of attention for once- maybe that was selfish, in fact, it probably was, but it was nice to know his friends cared. The nurses weren’t particularly happy with this, but ultimately made no effort to even attempt to get the boys out. The few days Seungmin had to be in the hospital flew by fast, and soon enough it was time to go home. Finally. Hyunjin and Jeongin took him home, the youngest singing along to some pop song Seungmin wasn’t familiar with. When they arrived, he frowned, looking around to take in the state of his apartment. It was bad here.

“Sorry it’s such a mess…I haven’t- really had the chance to clean up, heh…” Seungmin’s cheeks flushed from embarrassment. Hyunjin smiled softly and took the brunette's hand, squeezing it. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it, Min, really. It’s fine.” and to further reassure the younger male, Hyunjin placed a gentle kiss on Seungmin's temple. He smiled the best he could, squeezing the ravenette’s hand back. Jeongin got busy making some food for them all, whilst Hyunjin helped Seungmin settle down on the couch and set up some K-Drama in the background. They cuddled, and it was nice, really nice. He never thought in a million years he’d have this with Hyunjin- but he did. It was real. 

Maybe, just maybe, he’d be alright.