Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1963, Wyoming– Ennis needed to make money. So ofcourse he went looking for a job.
Its not his fault that a handsome man accompanied him in the lone mountains. But it is his fault that he slept with him.
Why? Loneliness. Pent up arousal. Maybe a bit of anger. But most importantly, ennis was happier than he'd ever been, up on brokeback with jack twist.

It was a cold night for ennis up on that mountain tending to the sheep, and he wanted nothing more than to lay in jack's arms. So he said "fuck it" to his job and went down on his horse cigar butt to feel some goddamn warmth. It was just that, a fleeting desire for warmth. Nothing more.

He arrived down there and made his way over to jack's tent, where he found the man already fast asleep. Ennis layed himself down beside jack and wrapped an arm around him to which jack awoke. He mumbled something incoherent before rolling over to face ennis and nuzzle his face in the mans chest.
Clearly they were both starved of warmth. Ennis pressed a kiss to jack's forehead and whispered a quiet "hey, cowboy", to which jack hummed sleepily.
Ennis thought to himself how jack looked like a sweet little cat right now, all cuddled up, sleepy and cute. He couldnt help but run his hands along jack's sides, which made a small smile fall on jack's lips. Those same lips that looked so soft and plump. Ennis leaned down and kissed them softly to which jack reciprocated, and soon they were softly making out.
Jack being too tired to do anything, they didnt go further than that, but boy did ennis want to. He wanted to spread jack's legs and make love to him while jack moaned and kissed him. But not tonight.

As they fell asleep together, ennis dreamt of his home with his soon-to-be wife. And it was cold.
He felt cold despite being wrapped up in someones arms in the waking world. He felt cold despite the sweet woman he was going to marry being right there in his dream. He felt cold despite the children they were going to have. He felt so cold, not like how he felt on brokeback with jack.
It was cold in the mountains, sure, but not with jack. Jack made him feel warmth and made everything seem brighter, yet so much darker at the same time. Darker because he knew it couldnt last.

Jack dreamed of ennis. He dreamt of ennis kissing him, caressing his bare chest, whispering sweet nothings, entering him. It felt good. So good. Maybe too good, but that doesnt matter. He wanted ennis, more than he had ever wanted something in his life. He yearned for this man that he had met a month ago. And he had no idea why. But he did know that ennis reminded him of a boy he knew when he was 15. Dirty blond hair like ennis, a frown like ennis, quiet like ennis.

He and the boy were best buds, nothing wrong with that. Except for the fact that they touched eachother in more than innocent ways. It was just exploring, just discovery, just experimentation, but it wasnt just those things to the boys parents. To them it was the most evil thing a person could do. Letting the devil control you. So ofcourse, they took it upon themselves and sent the boy away. Jack didnt really understand where he went, because when they told him with that disgusted look in their eyes, he had no idea what it meant. But he learned as he got older that people like that boy were sent to places that would try to fix them. Pray the devil out of him. And it totally worked, right?

On august 13th, 1963, the boy, who's name was frank, took his own life in the facility. Jack never knew of this, he hadnt spoken to him since he got sent away, but his parents wondered what they had done wrong. How such a tragedy couldve happened to their boy. They said it was the devil who convinced him to do it so he could drag frank down to hell, but they didnt really believe it. They also said it was jack who told him how to do it, and they believed that one with their whole heart. Even though it wasnt true. But rumors do as they please, and jack's whole hometown now saw the devil in him, including his father. His mother was of a different fabric though, sewn with care and love. She swore to love her son no matter who he turned out to be, and her husband no matter who he already was. That was jack's golden ticket, how he survived under his fathers gold caze. But now he was 19, out on his own, and he was scared.

The sunlight slowly crept through the mountain peaks, and ennis awoke with jack still clung to him. The realization that the sheep were left unattended to last night hits ennis, but he makes no move to get up. He'd simply rather lie with jack some more. He presses a soft kiss to jack's temple, causing jack to jump awake slightly. Ennis laughs and kisses him again, to which jack smiles and kisses his cheek back.

. . .

A pit of despair and shame forms itself in ennis's stomach, swirling like a tornado inside him. Why is he doing this? This is wrong. So wrong. People are gonna know, they must find out eventually. This is so wrong.

Jack notices the shift in tone and his expression changes, his eyebrows curved downward in concern.

"What's wrong?"

"... we shouldnt be doing this, jack. This isnt okay."

"... i know. But i need you so bad."

Ennis's stomach twists more at that. He needs him too, god does he need jack, but he could never say it. Even if he tried, the words would get stuck at the base of his tongue. So he stays quiet instead.

Slowly, ennis gets up and leaves the tent, heading back on cigar butt to the sheep.
Jack watches him leave, yearning, confusion and frustration in his gaze. But he lets him leave. He lets him because he understands ennis like nobody else could. He sees him as a boy who was told hes wrong for being who he is all his life. And so was jack. So was frank.
Jack knows how he feels, but he wishes he could shake ennis until the words fall out of him. He wants to hear him say something so bad sometimes it makes him want to cry. But he doesnt. Instead he washes up and cooks breakfast. The breakfast that ennis missed because of his stubborn ass.

Ennis rolled back over to the campsite on cigar butt, looking at the ground with a shameful gaze. Jack stood up when he approached, looking apprehensively at ennis, as if expecting him to say something, but the words never came.
Ennis sat by the fire quietly, eating his dinner while trying not to seem as hungry as he was. Jack sat in the tent, full stomach but empty heart as he listened to the sounds of birds flying above and ennis eating. Eventually ennis joined him in the tent, holding his cowboy hat over his lap shyly. Jack sat up as he entered, looking at him with a gaze that told so much more than he was capable of saying in that moment. Jack reached out a hand to cup ennis's cheek, brushing his thumb softly over the mans roughed up skin. Ennis continued to look down, his eyes physically unable to meet jack's. Jack leaned in, attempting to kiss ennis. It wasnt immediately reciprocated, stubbornness radiating off of ennis until he gave in to what he wanted and kissed back. It was a long and sweet kiss, lasting just enough time for them to feel that flicker of warmth until they pulled back. Ennis suddenly spoke a barely audible murmur

"Im sorry..."

"Its okay. Its okay..."

Jack replied, pulling ennis down onto his chest which such care it seemed like ennis might break if he was less gentle. The moment quickly turned passionate, hands grasping at eachother before jack rolled over onto ennis, kissing him with care and tenderness. Ennis kissed back just as tenderly and passionately, grasping at jack's hair. He wanted to feel him inside, not just in a sexual sense however. He wanted to feel jack's body fusing with his, becoming one. Feeling his warmth, his bravory, his love. Belts were unbuckled, pants and undergarments pulled down. Suddenly jack slid himself down on ennis, moving his hips with such expertise, making ennis groan.

He moved quickly and smoothly, ennis gripping jack's hips so tight it could, and would bruise. The men moaned and moved together, their sweaty bodies sliding against eachother with every roll of their hips. Jack leaned down and swiped his tongue over ennis's bottom lip before entering past them. They kissed sloppily and messily, occasionally clanking their teeth together. But neither cared, they were together in the most intimate way. Thats all that mattered. Soon jack climaxed, and ennis followed suit. They knew it would be a nasty mess to clean, not to mention their stained shirts, but that was a small price to pay for their pleasure. Jack flopped onto his side and pulled ennis against him, and ennis wrapped his arms around jack's waist tightly. Noticing the red marks he left on jack's hips, he murmured an apology barely acknowledged by jack, who was falling into a sleepy state of bliss. He looked angelic like this, eyes closed, those long eyelashes overshadowing his eyes like wings. His slightly parted lips and red cheeks make him look innocent despite what just occurred. Ennis buries his face in the crook of jack's neck, inhaling his scent mixed with sex deeply. He could now finally sleep, after what felt like a lifetime of restlessness, he could finally sleep.

Chapter Text

"A storm is heading to brokeback. If the sheep stay, they'll all be killed. Which means, youre being cut off."

"..okay."

Jack nods to aguirre, the owner of the sheep, and starts packing his stuff. By the time evening rolls around and ennis returns, he tells him they gotta go tomorrow.

"What? Why?"

"Theres a storm coming."

Ennis mumbles something and nods, sitting down on a spruce log.
By morning both the men have everything packed but are just moping around. Ofcourse neither of them wanna leave, leaving would mean the end of their more-than-friendship relations. But they cant outweigh reason.

Ennis sits up on a hill near the now-deconstructed campsite, trying to drag out staying with jack for as long as possible. Jack spots him from afar and goes up there, throwing a lasso at him.

"Time to get goin', cowboy."

He says, following a lack of a response from ennis. They start walking down the hill when jack decides to light a small spark of warmth with some playful energy. He slowly creeps behind ennis and throws the lasso around his ankles, making ennis fall forward. Ennis grunts and pull on the lasso, causing jack to fall ontop of him. The two men wrestle and playfight on the ground, rolling around the grass. Elbows start bumping, legs kicking, throats grunting, and suddenly theyre no longer just playfighting. Grasping at eachother, pushing, snarling, theyre both frustrated to the point that they take it out on eachother, despite the fact that theyre frustrated because of their soon-to-be departure from eachother. At one point, jack has ennis's head pinned beneath jack's arms, and when attempting to stand up his knee hits ennis hard on the head. Ennis stumbles back, blood slowly dripping from his nose which he wipes on his sleeve. Jack feels a pang of regret and guilt seeing him wounded, and he goes up to comfort him, wrapping his arms around ennis's shoulders.

"Ennis... ennis... come here... youre okay... youre okay..."

Suddenly a fist connects with jack's cheekbone, causing him to fall back onto the grass with a loud groan. As soon as ennis realizes what he did, he feels guilt and shame. But his stubborn ass could never show that, oh no. So he grabs his hat and walks down the hill, leaving jack writhing in pain grasping his head with his hand.

. . .

"Cant believe i left my damn shirt up there."

Ennis mumbles as he finishes helping jack get his truck started.

Jack leans on the side of his truck, his eyes flashing with slight guilt.

"..yeah."

He responds, his voice ever so slightly breathy. They stand in silence for a while, looking at eachother before nodding.

"I guess i'll see you around."

Jack says, to which ennis nods a second time. Jack gets in his truck, his hand staying on the outside of it as if trying to drag himself back out before he removes his hand and shuts the door. Ennis watches him drive off as he starts walking, feeling an immense pit in his stomach.
Jack looks at ennis through his rear-view mirror, watching the man he adored walk away.
They didnt realize it, but at that moment both of them were feeling the exact same thing. Shame.

. . .

Oh god. Oh god. People are gonna know. They must know. That aguirre fucker probably saw. I feel sick. Im gonna miss him. FUCK THAT! miss a faggot like him?! Fuck no. He sickens me. I sicken me. What have i done?

A man walks past, momentarily snapping ennis out of his train of thought. The man pauses, staring at him with a mix of confusion and judgementalness

"The fuck are you lookin' at?! Huh?!"

Ennis roars, hiding his face with his hat.
He feels like hes hit rock bottom, like hes never felt this low before. Maybe thats true, but maybe it was rather the time his father showed him the dead body of a man who was rumored to be a homosexual. Thats definitely a contender.

. . .

1967, Wyoming– ennis is married to alma del mar and has two kids, the american dream.
Right?
Well, not for him. He works long hours, comes home to an upset wife and crying children, and sleeps sexless nights. Not that he wanted to have sex with his wife anyway. Shes the sweetest person he knows and yet he cant get it up when shes around. Maybe its erectile dysfuction, but ennis didnt seem to have any issues when it came to jack.

He thought about jack alot. Nearly everyday. But he'd surely never hear of him again, not after their fight on brokeback.

"Did you used to know someone named jack?"

"... yeah. We was fishin' buddies a few years ago."

"Well, go ahead and read this because he wants to see you."

Alma hands him the postcard.

"Friend, this letter is long overdue.
Coming through on the 24th.
Drop me a line, say if you're there."

Ennis feels old memories and feelings rushing through him. Feelings of pain and tenderness and anguish and fondness and regret. He immediately sends a postcard back

"You bet." – is all he writes on it. He never was a man of many words after all.
He sends the postcard.

On the 24th, the clock ticks more slowly than usual. Ennis sits, chainsmoking cigarettes and drinking looking out the window.
He almost starts to lose hope, until suddenly a familiar truck rolls into their driveway. He immediately gets up and goes outside.

"Jack fuckin' twist."

He exclaims fondly, approaching jack with open arms. Jack hugs him as soon as theyre close enough to touch, a big grin on his face. Suddenly ennis grabs him by the collar and pushes him backwards against a wall, his hand swiping jack's hat off his head. Their lips crash together, hands grabbing eachothers bodies and faces. Jack feels fireworks going off inside him, not just a flicker of something warm this time. He feels ontop of the world while kissing ennis, but all that warmth his lost when ennis pulls away and turns around. Jack flashes a frown but he understands they cant just kiss eachother out in the open like this.

Ennis goes to the front door and opens it, welcoming jack inside for a quick introduction to his wife.

"Alma, this is jack twist."

"Hello."

Alma responds, unusually cold and emotionless. Her expression isnt angry, more like shock.
But neither of the men process it as theyre too busy getting high of eachother.

They head out together to a nearby motel, claiming to go to a bar. But they couldnt wait any longer.

As soon as they enter the place, hands grasp at eachother, jack gets pushed onto the bed and clothes are removed. They kiss passionately, hungrily, their tongues fighting in a dance of dominance.
Jacks hips buck upwards, ennis groans, they pant and move together desperately.

After its over, they lie in eachothers arms, talking about old memories and experiences together.
Jack can still feel ennis's semen leaking out of him, but he doesnt bother to get up and clean himself. He may even like the feeling.

"4 years, damn.."

Jack says, almost unbelieving of how long its been

"4 years..."

Ennis repeats.

"So, what've you been up to?"

"Mostly just work and taking care of the kids"

"... you got kids?"

"Yeah, got two little girls."

"Oh... okay. I didnt expect you to– i mean, not sayin' you'd be a bad father but i thought.. you'd be more like me. Alone."

Ennis pauses, hearing the change of tone.

".. you're alone? No girl, no kids?"

"Nope, just me and my guitar. And my dog too."

"You play?"

"Yeah, been tryin' to get into the business with a couple of shows. Maybe you could come down to texas and hear me play"

"Mm.. i dont travel much."

Jack rolls his eyes, knowing how stubborn ennis is when it comes to most things.

"C'mon, itll be worth it."

"... alright."

. . .

1969, Texas– Jack is preparing for a show in Dallas, tuning his guitar and playing a few chords. He had mentioned this show in passing conversation with ennis, but didnt think he'd come.

The show starts and jack plays and sings at the same time, watching all the people drinking and dancing in the bar hes performing at. That's when a familiar face enters the bar. Ennis fuckin' del mar. Jack almost stops playing but he manages to keep his shit together as to not ruin the show. But he does flash a big grin at ennis, who smiles back quickly before sitting down at the bar.

Jack performs for another hour before going to the bar to finally speak to ennis.

"Hey, cowboy. Looks like you decided to come after all."

"Yeah, thought i should. You play good, and sing good too."

Jack feels himself blush at the compliment, something he rarely receives from ennis, or at all. He nods and order a beer.

"So... i was thinkin' we should go somewhere.. catch up, you know?"

Ennis understood what jack meant. He didnt really want to "catch up" since the last time they say eachother 5 months ago at jack's last show. Jack wanted to go somewhere private so they could have sex, and ofcourse ennis wanted it too.

So they went to jack's place. Ennis had never actually been there before, but jack owned a sweet little apartment in dallas texas with a small dog named Roxie.

"Cute dog, whats the fellas name?"

"Roxie, shes a girl. Sweetest girl ever."

They walked around jack's apartment for a while before heading upstairs. Ennis had had a couple too many beers to drink while jack was almost entirely sober, so ennis was rougher than jack was prepared for.

He pushed jack onto the bed and practically ripped off his clothes. Jack attempted to kiss ennis but he was focused on getting right to it. Maybe too focused?

He removed his pants and boxers enough to get his cock out, already rock hard, and without warning or preparation he rammed inside jack

"FUCK! ENNIS, WAIT–"

Jack yelled but ennis ignored him, thinking he wanted something more, missing the fact that he wanted less. It wasnt until jack slapped ennis across the face that he got the memo. The man stared for a while before pulling out, making jack groan in pain.

His heart dropped when he saw red blood trickling out of jack. He immediately jumped up and grabbed a towel from the bathroom to press against jack's rear. The man hissed in pain but let it happen, knowing it would help in the longrun.

"M sorry... im so fuckin' sorry..."

"Its– its alright... youre drunk, i get it..."

"No, shut the fuck up. Its not alright."

Unexpectedly, ennis pulled jack into a tight hug, which ennis reciprocated with one arm. The other was keeping the towel pressed against him.
Ennis murmurs apologies into jack's ear for so long that ennis just start apologizing for everything. Hurting him, drinking too much, not listening, punching him way back on brokeback, being a quiet asshole back then too. Everything he was sorry for. Jack layed there and listened to the apologies, taking them all in until his eyes grew wet. He sniffled and wiped the soon-to-fall tears away before ennis kissed his cheek so softly it felt as though ennis's lips were made of feathers. Ennis brushed his hand over jack's hip, rubbing it up and down on the mans smooth skin. He pressed a kiss to jack's neck and murmured another apology followed by– "youre so special to me..."
He feels shame boiling in his stomach and throat the moment he says it, but he doesnt take it back.

After a long time of murmurs and hugs and kisses, they both got quiet and still, breathing softly against eachothers necks.

"Y'know... ive always wanted to live with someone. Not have to be alone all the time."

"Mhm..."

Ennis replied, almost asleep in his drunken state.

"Well, i guess i was just thinkin', maybe we could find ourselves a little cabin somewhere... maybe in California. I think it would be nice if we..."

He trailed off, wanting to see ennis's reaction before continuing

"... i dont think thats a good idea."

"I know, but.. im tired of this, okay? Tired of a dog being the only company i have in my home. Tired of seein' you every 5 months. Im tired."

Ennis thinks for a while, seemingly completely lost in thought before he speaks again.

"Maybe... one day."

The answer is so noncommittal it pisses jack off. One day? Seriously? He needed this now, he wasnt gonna wait 20 years or more.

"Ennis... please."

"Jack, you dont understand how dangerous this is for us. ...There was once a guy in my hometown, some old fella who lived with another old man. They were the joke of town, them. But they didnt even pay any mind to it. So one day some folk decides hes had enough of 'em and shoots the old guy to his death. My father made me see it, for all i know he'd done the job himself. Point is, we cant do this. Never in a million years. Its too dangerous, thats it."

That quieted jack real good. What was he supposed to say to that? Times change? Like hell they have.
So he kept quiet and just pulled ennis closer, inhaling his scent before allowing himself to drift off. Atleast now he was with ennis, one night not alone until the next time they see eachother in half a year.

Chapter Text

Jack awoke alone in his bed, still feeling the warmth of ennis from the night before. He knew the man had to go, it would be suspicious if he went to Texas for a show and didnt come back all night, but it still made jack's heart ache with loneliness.

He got out of bed and exited his bedroom, greeting roxie who was lying on his roughed up couch in the livingroom.
He made breakfast and ate it somberly, occasionally feeding pieces of bacon to his dog.

–

After a long day of working as a bartender, jack finally returned to his apartment. His body ached, he was tired and hungry and so alone, but there was something else. Arousal. He couldnt stop thinking about last night with ennis, and by this point his cock was straining against his pants, which he quickly removed along with his boxers.

He layed down in his bed and started lazily stroking himself, imagining ennis's hand around him instead of his own. He let out soft moans and grunts, his thumb focusing on the sensitive spot on the underside of his dick.
His eyes were closed, imagining ennis to be right there, touching him all over. His free hand moved up to his chest, rubbing his nipples through his button-up.

As he got closer, he switched methods and slowly slid a finger inside himself. He whimpered softly, his finger curling to hit his prostate, causing him to moan.
He added a second finger quickly, working them in and out and curling each time they entered him. He moaned and writhed, his hand moving down to stroke his cock as he fingered himself. He imagined ennis moving inside him, calling him dirty names.

"You like that, pretty boy? You take me so well."

He moaned louder, his body tensing up as he felt that familiar heat in his lower abdomen.

"Cum for me, let me see you make a mess of yourself."

He came at those imaginary words said, his cock spurting cum onto his stomach and chest and indeed, making a mess.

He pulled his fingers out and sighed as he looked down. He wished ennis was here to clean him up and hold him all night. He wished ennis could whisper sweet nothings into his ear until he fell asleep.
But he wasnt here, and he wouldnt be for a long time. So jack got up and tiredly cleaned himself in the bathroom.

–

The moon shone through the curtains in ennis's bedroom as he lay awake in bed next to alma who was fast asleep.
He thought about his life, about jack, about alma. He thought about giving away his whole life just to be with jack more. Could he do it? Theres no way. He shouldnt. But the thoughts were getting more and more tempting.
He put his hands together in a praying gesture and whispered–

"Please god, forgive me, I cant shake the devil out of me. I know what im supposed to do, but its not what i want to do."

He prayed, feeling as though someone was pushing down on his chest in an attempt to make it hard to breathe, and it was working.

"I dont wanna do this anymore. Why didnt you make me normal? Why did you do this? ... no, you didnt do this, the devil did. Im a product of the devil, arent i?"

He almost started to tear up before stopping himself. He put his hands back down and continued staring up at the ceiling.
He didnt sleep that night.

–

Jack sat outside his apartment, smoking a joint and thinking about his life. He thought about his dog and job as a bartender and he thought about how he was wasting his life not being with ennis every single day.

But what could he do about it? Ennis was stubborn, resistant. He couldnt force them together like magnets that refuse to stick. Except, in their case its other people pushing the magnets away from eachother. Stupid fucking world we live in, huh?

He went back inside and pulled out a small bag of white powder. He cant remember where he'd gotten it from, probably because he was shitfaced. He grabbed a razor blade and neatly lined up the powder into thin strips. He brought his head down and sniffed one up, rubbing his nose right after and making his eyes water.
But it felt good. So fucking good.

He did another line, and another, until before he knew it he snorted up the whole bag.
He lied down on his couch, petting roxie mindlessly and thinking about ennis, ofcourse.
He felt so good he wanted to sprint or scream with joy or shoot himself just because he could. But he did none of those things, instead he looked up at the ceiling and fantasized about ennis. He thought about ennis pulling him close, kissing his forehead and being right there, touching him anywhere.

He felt so fucking terrible.

–

1971, Wyoming– Ennis receives another postcard.

"Need to see you again, maybe in april?
Let me know if you can meet.
I was thinkin brokeback."

Ennis sighed, cursing his damned boss. He knew he wouldnt be able to see jack, it had been 2 years and he hadnt been able to make time once. He tries to tell himself he cant, but he knows part of him is running from jack.
Jack scares him to fucking death.

He tosses the card onto the pile of mail and goes to the fridge to grab a beer.

–

Several weeks later, he searches for the postcard again. Its nowhere to be found. Damnit. Alma mustve trashed it. What month did jack want to meet in again? Was it june? He couldnt remember.
He needed to see jack again, he missed him so bad it was tearing him apart. He didnt even know his number, he suddenly realized. Never asked. He barely knew the man he was obsessing over, yet he knew him so fucking well.

He went to the post office nearby and found a basic postcard with a picture of a forest on the back.

"Would like to see you too.
Does june work?"

Is all he wrote. He knew he wasnt supposed to, but he felt so desperate he felt like he was drowning in a sea of ink and oil.

But god. God. The fucking shame. He wanted it so bad and it was killing him. What would people say if they found out? What would alma think? She would hate him. His children would cut contact. He wouldnt be able to find a job, people would give him glances as he walked down the street. He would be alone, forever, or maybe better yet dead.

He rushed into the bathroom, panting like a dying dog as he splashed water onto his face from the dirty sink. His legs felt like they would collapse and the ground felt like it was shaking. He swore he could hear whispers in his ears.

A million thoughts were rushing inside his head at the same time he couldnt focus on even one. But it was all jack. All jack.

Jack, jack, jack, jack.

Jack fucking twist.

That dirty fucking f@g

Ill fucking kill him, i swear to god.

–

Jack sent a postcard back as soon as he received the one ennis sent.

"Let me know when you get the time off in june."

It was a quick and simple message but it brought its point across; jack wanted to see ennis. And he wanted it badly. He wondered if ennis did too.

–

After a few more weeks jack receives another postcard.

"Ill be free the 15th to the 17th. Brokeback sounds good."

Fuck yes. Jack was going to see ennis. They were heading to brokeback together again, after 8 years.

–

"Howdy, cowboy."

Ennis said as he rolled his truck next to the bridge where jack was waiting.

"Long time no see, friend. 2 years since the last time and.. even longer since we've seen eachother up here."

"Thats right."

Jack and ennis headed up to the river where they set up camp last time, those spruce logs still lying there after all this time.
They quickly set up camp again before cooking themselves a couple of quick pork skewers. The sky seemed to look exactly the same as the day that they first arrived here back in 1963. The wind blew in a familiar rhythm. Everything seemed the same except for them. Sitting there, they ate the pork they cooked, a lack of conversation creating tensing so palpable it seems you could cut it with a knife.
But despite that they seemed content to be with eachother nonetheless.

When evening rolled around and the sun slowly set across the pointy horizon, both men entered their tent. Jack placed himself on ennis's lap, smiling softly before leaning in and pressing his lips against ennis's. Ennis immediately kissed back, enjoying the contact more than anything. He wrapped his strong arms around jack's firm waist, squeezing his muscle softly. Jack deepened the kiss, panting into it as his tongue slid with ennis's.

Clothes were being hastily removed, peeling off like the skin from a fruit. Jack ran his hands over his own chest, putting on a small show for ennis. He seemed to find pride in his body, maybe even in this. But ennis certainly didnt. Though that didnt stop him from enjoying the view. He watched as jack removed the last of his clothes and rolled his hips seductively while his hands teased his own sensitive skin.
He let out soft pants as he did so, his cock leaking onto ennis's lap. Finally he removed the last of ennis's clothes too and without warning he ducked down and licked a stripe up ennis's length. Ennis groaned, bucking his hips involuntarily. Jack took his length down his throat, sucking on it softly while bobbing his head. Loud slurping noises filled the tent along with ennis's groans and moans.

Jack reached down and stroked his own erection, moaning around ennis's cock. He looked up at ennis when ennis grabbed jack's hair, his big blue eyes staring like he was obsessed with what he was looking at. Ennis moaned louder and pushed jack's head all the way down, causing jack to gag and sputter. But he kept persisting, neverminding the way his throat ached. He jerked himself off faster, wrapping a tight fist around his hot-red cock.

Soon ennis came down jack's throat, filling his belly with his delicious sperm. Jack swallowed eagerly before pulling off for a proper breath, some of ennis's cum dripping down his chin. He was still stroking himself vigorously and moaning, and ennis leaned in and kissed his neck, causing jack to explode and climax onto his chest and stomach.
He wiped the cum off his chin before kissing ennis. Ennis first tried to push him away, refusing to taste his own arousal, but eventually after an adorable begging look in jack's eyes, he gave in and kissed back.

The kiss wasnt rushed, it wasnt pure lust either. It was beautiful, sweet and tender. Their lips lapped at eachother, fitting together like they were made for eachother. Soon their tongues joined, dancing together in a slick waltz. Their hands brushed over every inch of skin they could reach, touching eachothers chests, stomachs, necks, faces, thighs...

They kissed so deeply and for so long it felt like they were melting together. Their bodies felt one, they felt warmer too. They felt warmer together than they ever did alone. Like a fire was lit inside their chests. Jack crawled back onto ennis's lap, touching chests and getting as close as physically possible. Their hands brushed together, their roughed-up fingers softening eachother. If this was wrong, why did it feel so right? Why did it feel like their lives were building up to this point? Why did it feel like they were one person when together like this rather than two separate people?
It felt so good, so warm, so together.
Neither had ever felt alone so little.

They went to sleep in eachothers arms, dreaming together, being together in their most intimate and vulnerable states. They couldve sworn their dreams were interlinked too by how close they felt physically and emotionally.

Together.
Thats what they were, they were together.

But for how long? How long until they had to go back to their ordinary lives? Until they had to go back to yearning for eachother every single second of every single day? It hurt so bad, like one person was split into two and needed their other half back like they needed air to breathe and water to drink.
They had to go back to pretending to love their life and pretending to not be so fond of eachother. It felt like the most agonizing kind of torture. They would miss eachother so fucking bad.

But for now, they were together. Only them. Nobody else. Just one half and the other.

"Its nobodies business but ours."

–

The sunlight shone through the thin tent veils causing jack's eyes to flutter open. He glanced over at the man in his arms, peacefully asleep and snorring lightly.

Jack got up carefully as to not wake ennis, exiting the tent only to cover his eyes with his arm to shield from the heat of the blaring sun. He sat down on one of the spruce logs layed down on the rough ground, offering as a softer alternative. The log had started growing mushrooms on the side, showing how long it had layed there. Showing how long jack and ennis had craved eachother.

Jack realized he was hungry, starving even. So he got up and approached a bag full of camp food. He settled on beef jerky, too lazy to cook a full meal. As he gnawed on the dry meat he heard rustling in the tent, signaling that ennis had awoken.

The man stepped out in none but his boxers, reminding jack that he was also only wearing underwear. So he got up and quickly got dressed, throwing a sweat-ridden shirt over his head. Ennis did the same.

–

Ennis pushed jack on the back of neck, causing his head to fly forward. The blonde chuckled, and so did jack before he turned around and pounced on him. The men rolled in the grass, knees bumping and elbows grazing as they wrestled playfully.
Reminiscent of that day when their trip to brokeback was cut short, they fought like two kids, except this time neither ended up with a bloody nose or sore cheek.

Jacks foot plummeted into the river, reminding them how close they were to falling in. They chuckled and jack leaned down, his lips pressing a feather-light kiss to ennis's. Ennis reciprocated, kissing softly as their lips melded together.
They were together again, and nobody else was there.

–

1964, Wyoming– The sun blared above jack as he waited outside aguirre's office, his hat offering little shade to his face.

"What do ya want?"

A voice spoke, a thick southern accent coating it.

Jack stepped inside the small container-looking office, so poorly insulated it felt just as warm as outside. He lifted his hat off his head and placed it neatly over his lap.

"Do uh.. do you need any help this summer with the sheep?"

"Yer wastin' yer time here."

"What, you aint got nothin'? Nothin' up on brokeback?"

Aguirre looked over with a gaze so judgemental it could make a professional fighter cry.

"I aint got no work for you."

Jack stayed quiet, fearing aguirre knew what he was thinking.

"Yall sure found a way to make the time pass up there..."

Fuck. Yeah, he knew. He knew that him and ennis were dirty sinners.

"Now get the hell out of my office."

Jack quickly nodded and put his hat back on as he stepped out.
The sun hit his face again, but he kept his head tilted down. He didnt want anyone to see him right now.

He stayed there for a while, wondering how much aguirre had seen, wondering what he thought. It was quite clear though, he thought him and ennis were the most sick a person could be.
Ennis probably thought the same thing. But jack didnt. He didnt think loving someone regardless of who they were was necessarily evil. Disgusting? Yes. Evil? No. Thats how he saw things atleast. He wished it wasnt either, wished god made things easier on him, but he was a doomed man ever since he met ennis. A doomed, sinful man.

Chapter Text

1973, Texas– The bar rustled with laughter, music, singing and talking as jack put on another one of his shows. He played the guitar until his fingers hurt and sang until his throat got sore and finally after hours the bar calms down and his performance is over. Jack tiredly steps down from the stairs leading to the stage and goes to the bar to order a beer. He spots a lively looking gal chatting with the bartender, her eyes brown like her wavy hair.
Jack orders himself a beer before his eyes shoot to the woman again, who's now quietly drinking a gin and tonic and looking around. Her eyes land on jack's and he quickly looks away, not wanting to come off as creepy. But she laughs and reassures him.

"You're alright.."

She says, her voice just as warm as her eyes.

"Im Lureen Newsome. And you are, handsome?"

Jack looks at her, a toothy grin spreading across his face as he processes her compliment.

"Jack Twist, i was the one performing just then."

"Ah, well, youre certainly a talented fella. Such a nice voice too.."

Jack's fingers curl tightly around his beer glass at the wave of compliments, feeling a battle between pride and humbleness inside him.

"Why, thank you. So, whats a pretty gal like you doin' here?"

Lureen chuckles and looks down at her lap before meeting his eyes again.

"Im just here to have fun, meet new people, you know..."

Jack nods, smiling at the spectacle before him.

Him and lureen get to talking and soon more than talking once they go to jack's car. They find a quiet spot to park and practically jump on eachother, kissing and touching all over. Jack quickly learns that lureen isnt the type of woman to take things slow or hold back.

After their entanglement in jack's car, he drives lureen home where she lives with her father still.

"Why havent you found yer own place?"

"Me and my father run a farm equipment business together. Its just easier to live together with all the work."

She explains before opening the car door and stepping out. She leans on the door as she gives him a smile and winks

"It was great meeting you, jack. If you wanna see me again, just come over sometime, maybe buy a truck."

She jokes, to which jack chuckles and nods.

"Will do."

He says.

–

Ennis looked down as he saw the burnt out cigarette inbetween his middle and index finger. He sat on his livingroom leather chair and looked out the window. He saw the moon shining softly deep in the night sky, and the little stars surrounding it. He saw a dead tree across the street, all the leaves browning and falling off while the oak grew dry. Inside his house was quiet, all lights off except for the one coming from the tv, which was playing nothing but static. Ennis took a sip of the beer in his other hand, savoring the bitter flavor. He had never felt this much loneliness in one moment, but there he sat, wondering if he was going to die alone. He took another sip, signs of a headache tingling in his forehead, signaling a soon coming hangover.
What was he doing with his life? Drinking and smoking the days away everyday. Sometimes it got so bad he thought he'd rather be dead. Its what he deserved anyway.
He stared at the divorce papers on the coffee table, a pen right next to them, begging him to sign them. And maybe he should. It was for the best. But what would he be without a wife? He would be a sad sack of shit, thats what.

He sat up and grabbed the papers and the pen, reluctantly signing each one. The pen felt heavy in his hand as he signed the final line, feeling as though he was signing his way into hell. Though to be fair, he did that long ago.

He wasnt gonna miss alma, but he was gonna miss someone. Anyone around. His kids might visit him once or twice a year, he might see alma during holidays and he'll see his boss everyday, that fuckface. But besides that, no one.
He was gonna be alone every fucking day.

...

Jack, he wanted to be with jack. Everyday. He wanted to live in the same house, sleep in the same bed even. He never thought he'd want another person so bad. But he couldnt, atleast, he shouldnt. He'd be an easy target. And he'd be even more of a sinner. But at this point, he didnt even care. He was already going to hell, no use repenting or trying to be better. Besides, what if none of this is even real? What if god doesnt give a shit? what if god doesnt even exist?

Either way, he was already doomed, so maybe he should make most of his life before eternal torture awaits him. Maybe he should just try, for once in his life, to be happy.

–

"Can we see eachother again, friend?
Theres this little cabin up in wyoming,
not too far from you since youre not a
travel guy.
Heres the address:

Naked acres, wyoming, 6500 mossy vailway.

Throw me a line."

Ennis never received that postcard, it had arrived to his old house where alma took residence and she trashed it.

Since he moved he didnt let jack know where he was now, as much as he wanted to see him he couldnt stand it. He wanted to shield himself off from the world, and this little house in the middle of nowhere was his shelter.

He was safe here.

–

1974, Wyoming– A stranger banged on ennis's door. He thought maybe it was something related to his job, since he only started working a new job 5 months ago. But when he opened the door he saw a friendly and familiar smile looking back at him.

Jack fuckin' twist.

Jack hugged ennis as soon as their eyes met, elongating the hug by as much time as possible before ennis pulled away.

"Friend, its been a year, why didnt you respond to my message? Had to ask a bunch of people where you moved to."

Jack asked with a confused and slightly concerned tone.

"Well uhm... after i moved, i didnt receive it."

"Why did you move in the first place?"

"... me and alma got divorced."

Jack's smile faded, though he had to stop himself from smiling wider.

"Thats tough.. shit."

Ennis nodded, looking down at his feet. Despite wanting to avoid seeing jack again, his heart was practically racing out of his chest at the sight and feel and smell of him... how he missed this godforsaken man.

"Anyway, can i... come in?"

Ennis paused. He wanted jack so bad right now, but could he do it? He couldnt. No way. He felt a pit in his stomach, his hands sweating. It felt like his head was spinning to another planet. He looked back up at jack, who was looking at him with that heartbreaking hopeful smile.

"I dont think thats a good idea..."

Jack's smile faded. Not this again.

"...Well, why not?"

"... jack, were terrible for eachother. When were together i feel so good, but... this thing, it grabs ahold of us. Ties us together, makes us high off eachother. And i cant take this addiction no more."

Jack nearly cried. This man, who he had been obsessed with for 11 years didnt want to see him anymore. No more sneaky fucks, no more late night conversations by the fire, no more hugs and kisses.

He wanted to throw up.

"Ennis... please."

He pleaded, his voice shaking. Ennis couldnt do this.

"... No. im sorry, friend."

"... can i have one last kiss? Im begging you, ennis."

Ennis almost collapsed into tears right then and there. He wanted to kiss him so fucking bad, to hold him and tell him its gonna be okay, that he could stay as long as he wanted.

But, one kiss couldnt hurt, right?
Just one little kiss, totally harmless. No one would see. Come on. Come on. Just say yes, just do it.
But the words wouldnt come out no matter how badly he wanted them to.

So he closed the door. That was easier.

...

Jack burst into tears, streaming down his cheeks in thick strokes. He hiccuped and let choked sounds escape, clutching his hands over his mouth desperately. His heart felt like it was stabbed 6 times. He felt like he couldnt stand, collapsing onto his knees. They hit the ground hard, scraping against the stone path through his pants.

He slowly got up and went to his car, driving off faster than what was safe. His vision swerved and blurred with tears, and his heart was pounding like a drum in his ears. He wanted ennis so bad, why, why did he have to do this?! Not even a kiss?! Not even a proper goodbye?!

He felt like he wanted to sink into the ground and die there.

Fuck ennis del mar. Fuck him.

As soon as jack got home, he rushed to the secret drawer in his house, the house he and lureen now shared. Luckily she wasnt home. He reached in there and found his supplies.

Every thought inside his head disappeared as soon as he finally stuck the needle into his arm. His eyes relaxed, his vision swaying. He layed down on his side on the bed, slowly drifting away from the world. He felt like he was ascending to heaven, like he was gonna be okay. Like everything was amazing. It wasnt, but in this moment all he could think about was how amazing he felt.

Ennis.

Ennis...

Oh Ennis...

How i adore you, my beautiful Ennis...

–

The moon shone through ennis's thin curtains, birds chirping outside the window. Ennis turned away from the light onto his side, causing his bed to creak loudly. His mattress lacked a cover and was old and dirty, he got it second-hand and hadnt had the motivation to clean it.
During the divorce, ennis didnt fight for anything. Not the house, not his kids, nothing. He simply didnt feel as though he deserved any of it. He had been a terrible father and an even worse husband.
And now he was being a horrible friend too, turning jack away at the door without a goodbye of any sorts. He wanted jack to be lying right beside him right now, he wanted him in his arms.

But he couldnt. He just couldnt.

In the morning he got up, his back hurting from sleeping on the old and shitty bed all night, like it usually did.
He made himself coffee and stepped outside. He thought about jack again, ofcourse. That wretched man plagued all his thoughs, awake or asleep.

Adornment is a gentle thing, isnt it? But ennis wasnt gentle. And he didnt adore anyone, atleast, not properly.
He thrashed at them like they were air in a sea of water. He clawed at them like they were warmth in a storm of cold. He wanted to take jack to bed, and hold him all night like people who adore eachother are supposed to do. But he couldnt. He wasnt cut out to be that way.

He had edges, sharp ones. He cut everyone he got close to. Including alma, including jack. He cut them up until they almost bled out, and then left. He was a cold and heartless being, and he deserved to be miserable.

–

1975, Texas– Jack had fallen in drug-addicted depression soon after ennis rejected him. He shot heroin once a month and snorted coke every week. Ofcourse, lureen left him, she thought he was a good for nothing drugged-up fuck-up. He lost his job aswell as a bartender, but continued to be hired for shows, so he still had enough money to buy barely enough food to survive. Every night he would lay awake in bed, thinking about ennis. When he was high, he thought about ennis. When he was performing, he thought about ennis. When he was asleep, he dreamt about ennis. Ennis haunted his every fucking thought and it was making him so miserable he wanted to die.

In a time like this, where every inkling of hope seemed completely lost, he needed ennis more than anything. He felt completely and utterly lost every single day and he genuinely couldnt take it anymore.

In a last effort attempt of not dying alone at 31, he visited ennis once more. He had drank alot before going there, his car swaying down the road as he tried his best to keep his eyes ahead. He kept thinking about last time, about being brutally rejected like that. Would this be the same? He prayed for it not to be. When he finally reached ennis's house, he knocked three times, his eyes drooping heavily and his body swaying drunkenly.

Ennis opened the door, seeing a shitfaced jack standing right there. He was surpised at first, but that quickly wavered as he realized this was basically inevitable. And it was, for both of them, the most happy they had felt in the last year, seeing eachother.

Jack jumped into ennis's arms, wrapping around him tightly while smiling a pitiful smile.

"Goddamnit, ennis, you've made me so miserable... and now so happy."

He slurred his words slightly, his hands rubbing ennis's back. Ennis stood frozen, not hugging back, just standing there. He hated this. Wanted nothing more than to push jack away again, but he couldnt.

"...Jack, you need to let go."

"No."

Ennis couldnt argue with that. A simple refusal. Despite every single one of his bones telling him not to, he eventually hugged back. He truly hadnt realised how much he missed this.
He had been a social recluse for the last 2 years, and had experienced not a hug, nor a kiss, nor anything physical from another human in that time.

But this... this felt so good. Ennis hugged tighter, so tight jack almost couldnt breathe. But he didnt even mind. He was with ennis, and ennis was with jack. Together again.

"What're you doing', cowboy? You been drinkin'?"

"Mmm.. only a little.."

Ennis carried jack inside, to which jack suddenly burst into tears. He cried like a baby, his body trembling with sobs. Ennis layed him down on the couch, his thumb brushing the tears on jack's cheeks away.

"Shh.. its alright, cowboy."

He said, so quiet it was barely audible, but jack heard it. It only made him cry harder. Ennis finally comforted him, he finally touched him, finally. He felt ontop of the world and at the same time he felt like he was in the deepest cave. Why did ennis have to do this? Shove him away only to suddenly act like he cares?

Jack stared at ennis, his eyes burning like fire. It made ennis pull away slightly, almost returning the same look before sighing.

"Look, im sorry, okay?"

"NO, YOU DONT GET TO APOLOGIZE TO ME LIKE THAT MAKES IT OKAY! YOU PUSHED ME AWAY LIKE I WAS NOTHING AND NOW SUDDENLY YOU ACT LIKE YOU CARED ABOUT ME ALL ALONG?! YOU. DONT. CARE."

Ennis stumbled back at the volume of jack's ragged, drunk voice. Ofcourse he was more emotional because of the alcohol, but ennis hadnt expected this.

"I... "

He tried to continue talking but stood up instead, pointing to the door.

"... seriously? Youre... kicking me out? Again?"

Jack's voice shook pathetically. No. No no no. He had messed it all up. Now ennis truly hated him and he was never getting him back. Never. Ever ever ever ever ever ever...

. . .

"I adore you, jack. I really do."

Said ennis's voice. He stared at jack, his expression so soft it almost didnt even look like him. He held jack's hand and kissed the back of it, smiling softly.

Jack stared at him with tear-filled eyes and a small pout, his eyebrows arched sadly. He looked at him like he was gonna break his heart again, like he knew this was all a trick and yet he was letting himself fall for it. Why does he do this to himself?

But ennis didnt waver. He leaned in and kissed jack's cheek, his lips warm against the mans skin.

"I really mean it, jack. So stop lookin' at me like im gonna break yer heart again."

Jack's heart pounded fast in his chest, his hands trembling with disbelief. Ennis had never acted so sweet, so genuine. It couldnt possibly be true, but it felt intoxicating.

Jack couldnt get enough of it, of ennis adoring him and looking at him like he was the most precious thing in the world.

Jack leaned forward and kissed ennis deeply, and ennis reciprocated. Their tongues collided, licking and sucking eagerly. Ennis's hands traveled up jack's chest, his soft fingertips tracing the mans skin through his rough button-up shirt. It made jack shiver and kiss back more intensely. His hands wrapped around ennis's head, his fingers tracing through the dirty blond curls.

Ennis broke the kiss, a string of spit connecting their lips. Both the men were panting softly, jack looking at ennis like he never wanted to let him go.

"Jack... Jack? ... Jack!"

Ennis yelled, startling jack, who looked at him with a confused frown.

"What?"

He laughed nervously, his fingers tracing the mans cheek.

"...what?"

Suddenly his vision faded into darkness before being met with a white ceiling and the edge of ennis's face looking at him. He looked.. concerned. Almost as soft as.. just now... what happened?

"Ennis? Whats going on?.."

Ennis sighed, both out of relief and frustration. He stood up and walked away, and jack felt a pang in his heart. Until ennis came back with a glass of water.

Jack apprehensively took it, still disoriented. He took a sip, realized how thirsty he was and drank the whole thing.

"You just like.. passed out or somethin'. Dont know if you... feel asleep from the alcohol or what but.. you scared me."

Thats when jack realized it. It wasnt real. They didnt kiss, ennis didnt say any of that. And he still wanted him out of his house.

Jack's expression turned cold, upset, distant. He hated ennis. He hated him so much. He hated him for everything that that man had done. For leading him on only to abandon him completely. It stung so badly in his heart.

"Fuck you, ennis."

He spat out, looking down at his lap.

Ennis stayed quiet, knowing he deserved it. He hated himself too. He knew he was breaking jack's heart piece by piece but he couldnt stop himself. Or rather, he was stopping himself, stopping himself from what his heart craved. From what he begged god for.

There were nights where he lay awake at night, begging god to turn jack into a girl, or to meet a girl just like jack, or something. Anything. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized thats not what he truly wanted. If jack wasnt jack.. then it wouldnt be the same. He wouldnt need him like he does now.

"Arent you gonna.. tell me to leave?"

Shit. Now ennis was faced with a choice, he didnt like making choices. He could either tell jack to leave and never see him again, and just the thought of that made his whole body ache. Or he could let him stay, maybe for just a few hours. Ennis was a stubborn man, anyone who knew him knew that. But he had a heart too, emotions, needs.
He couldnt make jack go. As much as he wanted to build walls as high as mount Everest, he couldnt. He just couldnt. He had needs too strong to ignore any longer. But he was still gonna try, try to keep his walls up without them collapsing entirely.

"... you can stay. Youre.. drunk after all, cant let you drive home like this."

It was hard to even say those words, since they so obviously sounded like excuses. But as long as jack didnt question it it would be alright.

"... okay."

Jack's heart was beating fast, his eyes wide. But he didnt say anything more than that. He just accepted it, and cherished it.

Slowly, the two got closer together. As ennis sat back down jack pulled him into his arms, and he didnt have the heart to resist. The warmth felt too good.

They didnt speak all night, instead just holding eachother and watching tv together. No kissing, no fucking, just holding eachother. It felt so good.

But, it pained jack so badly. He wasnt gonna have this again for god knows how long, maybe never again. The thought of that made him want to drink until he drowned in it and inject a million needles into his arm until he overdosed.
He couldnt stand this anymore. He missed ennis too goddamn bad.

He nuzzled into ennis's neck, pressing a soft kiss there. It made ennis shiver in the best and worst way at the same time. It was supposed to disgust him, but it only made him fear himself.

Without letting himself think about it, he grabbed jack's hand and squeezed it. Jack squeezed ennis's hand too, fighting back tears in his eyes. He had wanted this for so long. But now that it was happened, all he could think about was how it was going to end soon. Ennis was his happy, but how long till he was no longer by his side?

Jack ended up falling asleep beside ennis, who couldnt possibly kick him out now. Not now that jack looked so goddamn peaceful and content. He imagined it being a while since jack felt that way, the same could be said for himself.

As ennis drifted off to sleep, he felt at peace, no longer caring about other people in his sleepy daze. He didnt care if he wasnt supposed to feel this way, he didnt care what anyone thought or did, because he hadnt felt this happy in ages.

Chapter Text

The sun shone through the windows and landed on jack's face, gently waking him up.
As his eyes fluttered open he found himself in the arms of ennis, the man he adored. He smiled to himself and pressed a kiss to ennis's sleeping face.

He started to feel a throbbing headache forming the longer he was awake, likely a consequence from the amount of alcohol he consumed. It made him want to go back to sleep and the sun in his eyes only seemed to make things worse. He resorted to hiding his face in ennis's chest, partly to ease his headache, but mostly because he just wanted to.

Eventually ennis awoke too and jack quickly pulled away, sitting up. He automatically reached out a hand to rub his forehead as his headache instantly got worse just from pulling away from ennis. Almost like ennis was a drug to jack.
And, well, he was.

"Mornin.."

Jack muttered, his voice groggy and tired. Ennis didnt mumble back like usual, instead he closed his eyes again and pulled jack ontop of him again, his head resting on ennis's chest. It suprised jack but he was in no way going to refuse this kind of treatment. He cherished it when ennis was affectionate towards him, especially since moments like this had become exceedingly rare with him. Or anyone.

Jack smiled widely and pressed a kiss to ennis's chest, barely acknowledged by the half-asleep man beneath him. But jack didnt care that he was barely conscious, because it meant that it was ennis's instinctual desire to be close to jack. And that meant the world to him.

But he had to leave soon. He knew ennis wouldnt allow him to stay for much longer. He should probably leave now to avoid getting told to leave yet again. But he couldnt bring himself to, he just couldnt. He wanted to be so close to ennis that the two fused together. He wanted to feel what ennis felt on a physical level, he wanted to feel his warmth like a blanket wrapped around him, he wanted ennis.

He couldnt let him go now.

But he had to.

His body shook with anger and sadness as he slowly pulled out of ennis's grip and stood up. He opened the door, having to physically drag his body through it as he looked at ennis's sleeping form on the couch. He looked to innocent, so peaceful like this. He wished he could stay a little longer but he had to leave in order to avoid having his heart ripped out of his chest again.

He went to his car and drove off, no longer looking back.

As he drove across the empty street next to the empty fields, he couldnt help but let a few small tears escape his eyes, flowing down his cheeks and pooling on his shirt. He was allowed to cry, wasnt he?

Was he? Allowed to cry over another man?

No. But he did so anyway despite the shameful ache in his stomach.

He wondered how long it would be until he saw ennis again.

–

1976– Mexico, Its dark outside, the streets only alluminated by street lights and strings of decorative lamps. Shouting in mexican can be heard, people attempting to sell stuff by grabbing your attention. Jack pays attention to none of it, high as a kite and searching for a brown haired, brown eyed, 5 foot 10 tall man.

He had heard words floating around about mexico, about how the men there dont bother to hide themselves from the world. Jack liked that idea.
He liked feeling free and unashamed, despite the fact that he knew once he got home that pit in his stomach would return in an instant.

The man he had made contact with through letters was named daniel, jack didnt bother to get his last name. Once he spotted him they both walked without a word to daniel's house. Jack needed to feel some closeness again, after the situation with ennis and his continued drug abuse he needed to feel taken care of.

He had hoped that daniel would do that for him.

But after it was over he felt empty, despite being filled with the mans sperm. He felt so empty inside, so cold and alone. He felt used instead of taken care of. He felt betrayed instead of loved. He felt miserable instead of fulfilled.

It wasnt rare for him to feel miserable, but to feel it so strongly he felt like sinking into the ground was a bit more uncommon.
He felt similar ways as to the last time he saw ennis, when he had to leave. That godforsaken man made it impossible to feel happy with his stubborn ass.

But he understood it. The man was plagued by his own life, he was plagued by everyone and everything. So he resorted to self-isolation.

Just sucks that jack was now affected by that selfish decision. He imagined so were his kids and wife. He felt sorry for them despite not even knowing them, but he wondered if ennis cared at all.

Was ennis really such a selfish and heartless person? He couldnt imagine him to be.
Ennis was just so wounded that he blamed himself for bleeding, and blamed himself for bleeding on others. Rightfully so, though. Any person must take responsibility for their hurtred of others, no matter how much theyre bleeding themselves.

Blood is no excuse for violence, despite violence being the cause for blood.

Jack understood that well. But he didnt think ennis did.

–

1977– Wyoming, as the moonlight shone through the curtains and the room was just cold enough to feel uncomfortable, ennis layed in bed, thinking about his children.

He thought about the fact that despite never really having parents of his own and being raised by his siblings who already had enough on their plate, he decided parenthood couldnt be so hard and did it for himself. He thought about how he had failed his little girls, making them hate him or see him as the cold, cruel beast he saw himself as. He thought about the fact that after all those years, he barely felt like he even knew alma junior and jennie. Like they werent even his children.

He also thought about his ex-wife. About alma. He had failed her too. She thought she was marrying some gentleman, when she was really marrying a ghost of a man. a shell, if you will. Whatever words describe him, they always were negative if they came from his mind and the minds of the people he'd hurt.

Except for jack.

Jack was severely hurt by ennis, to the point that he did more drugs than he wouldve ever allowed himself to do otherwise. But despite that, jack never saw him as anything more negative than a stubborn asshole. He never saw him as a monster or a cold, unfeeling piece of shit or anything that ennis would call himself. Jack saw the little boy in ennis who was told to always hide who he was and be afraid of everyone. Ennis was told to raise himself, and abandoned by the people that still cared for him.

Jack saw that, and it pained him. He wanted to hold ennis and tell him it was gonna be okay and kiss his forehead and–

If only he was here, ennis thought. If only he hadnt been such a scared little piece of shit and pushed him away.

If only he hadnt ruined jack.

–

1963, Wyoming– The sun shone across the lake, the light swirling with the movement of the water. Trees whistled calmly in the wind, their branches swaying from side to side everytime the wind would find a new direction to follow. Crickets roared in the tall grass, declaring their presence loudly.

And ennis layed, his head resting comfortably on jack's chest. The two men breathed in unison, their hands intertwined beside them. Neither were wearing their hats, nor their shirts. It was cold, yes, but inside this warm tent – which gained its temperature from the two warm bodies inside it – they were at peace.

Jack brought his hand from ennis' back to his hair, brushing his fingers through it with a calming rhythm. Everything seemed okay, calm, and bearable.

When ennis wasnt thinking about how he was going to afford rent or groceries, he thought about other things. He thought about his father and mother, the dead body he'd once seen and the way his older brother and sister used to raise him. He thought about his highschool bullies and how they'd beat him black and blue. He thought about things that either made him wince when remembered, or want to cry.

But right now, he couldnt think about anything else, even if he wanted to. Jack had entered his lungs and crawled through his body up to his brain, numbing every little thing that stressed or bothered him, leaving only himself left.

All was jack, and all was well this way.

Neither spoke, instead simply combing their hands through eachother's hair and listening to eachother's breathing. As jack felt himself being dragged to slumber, he rested his hand ontop of ennis' head as the man layed on his chest and allowed himself to fall asleep.

So did ennis, his arms wrapped around both sides of jack's body and tucked neatly underneath his back. As ennis attempted to be lulled to sleep, he formed a comforting image in his head. One where the sky was dark and full of stars, doves singing their beautiful songs of love and loss and crickets chirping quietly. The sounds could be comparable to ennis' real situation as he pictured the scene with more and more detail. The rustling of trees could be heard and when ennis looked infront of him, he saw a beautiful forest with tall spruce trees. When he looked behind him he saw a cozy little ranch that him and jack inhabited. And when he looked up, he saw jack. His pretty face staring back at ennis, those blue eyes shining with wonder. He imagined them sitting on their back porch on a bench, holding eachother tight.

Just like they were in this tent.

Ennis knew it was unrealistic, that it would never happen, and that he shouldnt even be imagining it in the first place, but he couldnt help himself. He couldnt help but think about a hypothetical future with jack, one where they'd be at peace. It made his heart burn and his stomach curl in shame, and although he hated himself for it, he wanted jack.

He really, really did.

1979, Wyoming– ennis raised his arms above him and swung his axe down onto the oak log he had propped up. His arms burned with muscle strain but he continued to chop wood for no real reason at all. He sure as hell didnt have a fireplace in his little home, so there was no real need for wood.

But as ennis chopped oak until his whole body ached, he felt that he wasnt alone. He felt as though he was back on that mountain, with jack.
He felt as though jack was leaning his chin on ennis' shoulder, whispering soft praises and compliments into his ear, mixed with a cheeky joke or two. And that made him feel okay. Good, even.

It was in that moment, chopping wood alone infront of his small house while sweating and aching, that he realised he could only ever be happy with jack. That he needed the man like an essential. And maybe, just maybe, ennis was beginning to grow tired of his solitude. Seriously tired, that is. Maybe if ennis was careful, discreet and quiet, he and jack could be.. together again.

"Dear jack,
You know my address, dont you, friend?
Come over sometime.
-Ennis"

Was that suspicious? Should he not have called him "friend"? Was "Dear jack" too romantic?

Ennis stared silently at the postcard for several seconds before swallowing his worries and heading out to send it. Even though he knew jack would be delighted to hear from him, the guilt of the way he handled jack last time still burned inside him. He almost felt he had no right contacting him after that, but he had to try.

No hurt in trying, right?

–

Jack had always been a reckless person, someone who didnt think about the consequences of his actions and only thought about the fun in the moment. But even he knew one day this was gonna kill him, and yet he couldnt help himself. Sometimes he wondered if he even cared anymore. What really was the difference between hell and life as it was currently? Jack couldnt be happy without injecting chemicals into his arm, which meant he wasnt happy at all. And what would be the difference then if he died and went to hell?

As his eyes fluttered open before squinting at the bright white light above him, he groaned slightly, wondering where he was. The last he remembered was sitting on his bed and watching the fluids be injected into him while beginning to feel drowsy.

As the nurse entered and discovered jack awake, she explained he had overdosed. The only reason he was saved was because his dog had barked so loud the neighbors came to complain and found him passed out on the bed. She also brought him a postcard, and as soon as the name "Ennis" rolled off her tongue, jack thought he was actually in heaven.

He stared at the postcard, the messy, so-typical-ennis writing on it. But it was more affectionate than any postcard he had ever sent before. Jack wondered if ennis was at his rock bottom too, if he had finally gotten tired of his constant loneliness and yearning and maybe, just maybe considered the future jack had been fantasizing about for years. He felt his eyes start to fill with tears but quickly wiped them away and decided as soon as he was out of the hospital he was going to visit.

1979– Wyoming, one month after ennis had initially sent the postcard and he was starting to lose hope. Despite the fact that he had been the one to reject jack and break his heart, he still felt unreasonably angry and rejected himself. He felt he had the right to jack, that jack was his and only his. He didnt want to admit this to himself, but he felt it, deeply.

That was until jack randomly appeared at his door one day without letting anything know before hand and as soon as he saw ennis, he practically jumped into his arms. His hands rubbed ennis' back with such tenderness it felt like none of those painful years had ever happened. But as jack pulled away and looked into ennis' eyes, ennis began to feel worried. Jack had dark circles under his eyes, and they were slightly bloodshot, which could either be from crying or drugs. His expression was unreadable, but he appeared tired along with whatever was going on inside his head. His hands were jittery and fidgety, constantly needing to pick at his skin or touch something. As ennis noticed every little detail, he felt severe guilt, because he felt like he was the reason jack had turned into this man. And in a way, he was.

"Its been a long time, friend..."

Jack started, staring into ennis' eyes with longing. Ennis nodded, his arms at his sides while jack's were still wrapped around his waist.

"Sure has.. "

The blonde responded, avoiding eye contact with the fear that jack would see right through him and see how much ennis hated himself.
But despite avoiding looking at jack directly, he still noticed.

"You tired?"

Jack asked, his hands rubbing the softest of circles on ennis' back. He did that thing where he poked his tongue against his cheek and it made ennis' heart race. It was so jack.

"A bit.. why dont you come inside?"

Ennis answered before gently pulling jack inside and closing the door behind him. As soon as the door closed, ennis had to resist the urge to jump on jack and push him onto the couch.

"Been a while since i last been here and yet.. nothin's changed."

Jack chuckled, shaking his head slightly while looking down before looking back at ennis, who's expression was now unreadable. But jack was a very intuitive person. He could tell, by the way ennis shuffled on his feet, the way he bit his cheek, the way his eyes continued to not face him, that ennis was nervous.

"Can i, uh.. make you somethin' to drink?"

Ennis asked awkwardly, looking at jack for a split second.

Jack nodded, his mood falling a little low now that it had been about 2 minutes and they werent undressing eachother yet.

"You got whiskey?"

He asked, to which ennis nodded and headed to the kitchen.

–

Jack laughed, sipping his drink with ennis as the men talked about themselves, mostly jack talking about himself and ennis listening, and as they told cheesy jokes to one another. Together they had nearly finished the bottle of whiskey, which ennis cursed himself for. More alcohol he'd have to buy later. But nonetheless, he was happy to be spending this time with jack.

"Do you remember, up on brokeback, when those damn sheep got mixed with another herd?"

Ennis chuckled and nodded, remembering the hastle it took to separate them all and the nasty face aguirre had given them when he found out. To be fair, though, the only face he'd ever seen coming from aguirre was a nasty one.

It got more quiet after a while, the two men quite intoxicated and no longer laughing stupidly. Jack sighed, taking a sip of his whiskey as he looked infront of him. He remembered the last time they saw eachother. They hadn't had sex, they had just cuddled, on this couch, and even though when he woke up he found himself in a wrapped embrace with the man he adored, it was one of the most depressing moments of his life.

Jack opened his mouth to speak and hesitated before beginning to think of what to say.

He wanted to say so many things, but settled on something that both showed his true feelings and wouldn't scare ennis off.

"You know,.. sometimes... sometimes i miss you so much i can hardly stand it."

He spoke, his voice nearly trembling. He set his empty glass down and looked at the floor for a while, listening to the subtle sound of breathing coming from ennis. He was starting to wonder if ennis was ever going to respond, before he did.

"You gotta stand it. I need you to stand it."

He said, making jack's head turn to look at him. Jack stared at him with those baby blue eyes, searching. He found longing, and yearning, and fear. So much fear. And shame, guilt.
Jack understood what he meant, but he simply couldnt promise it. His coping mechanisms – of which he was aware were not healthy – were the only things helping him survive. And yet they were slowly killing him. But atleast they stopped him from jumping off a bridge.

"I know."

Responded jack finally, his hands clasped together between his knees, nails digging into his skin.

"But for how long?"