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I - while you are away
[…] My days have been monotonous at best. Routine doesn’t fulfill me anymore as it used to. I go to my classes and back to the library, and from there back to my room. And yet all my mind can focus on is the thought of you, of that night together. I apologise if I mistook your intentions with me for something more than a fleeting fling, but I would be lying to myself had I not written this letter.
Yours,
Raymond
Giulio quickly folded the piece of paper and held it close to his heart, shutting his eyes as if to absorb every single drop of emotion poured into the letter that he had found in his usually empty postbox. He didn’t hesitate a second more to sit down at his desk to write a response.
Dear Ray,
I must admit your letter has caught me by surprise a bit. Never in my life had I thought that I’d be exchanging illicit notes with someone, let alone with another brother in Christ. And yet here we are. I had to make up some dumb excuse to Enzo for why I was grinning so hard when I was reading your letter, which he luckily seemed to buy. […]
Ray’s smile grew wider with every word he got to read. Giulio’s penmanship was neat, the clear result of someone who had been taught calligraphy from a very young age, but he couldn’t help but notice how shaky it looked, especially at the beginning.
Ray giggled to himself. It was almost as if he had just realised how excited Giulio was to hear from him. Maybe his initial thoughts weren’t wrong after all. He made an effort to fold the letter as neatly as possible, just small enough to fit it inside a journal, near scribbled sweet notes that he had written one warm afternoon, thinking about Giulio while anxiously awaiting his response.
Giulio,
Not a single day passes that I don’t think about you, I hope everything is going well.
I really liked the little doodle that you scribbled on your last letter. Is that Garibaldi the cat? He is adorable!
I am soon bound to visit my sister for a week or so, she and her husband are moving away to the United States and I’ll go to help them pack everything up […]
Giulio took one last drag of his cigarette before snuffing it out in the ashtray by the window where he had perched himself to read. His heart ached for Ray, he knew how close he was to his sister and this move would not have been an easy fact to digest for him. More than anything, Giulio wished that he could be there for him, to comfort him in a time of great need.
Heavens, he missed him so much.
Never before in his life had he been so drawn to someone so quickly, just to be separated again shortly after. He could notice it in the way he had been spending more time alone, wishing he could stare into those eyes once more, hoping to feel the warmth of his skin on him once again, needing him to…
I have to see him, I need him, I need him, I need him.
After several drafts, he came up with the perfect excuse, praying that he'd agree.
[…] for the first time in my life, my father has agreed to let me be on my own for the summer. It’s liberating, really. I don’t really feel like myself in that big mansion of his, and nothing has felt the same ever since my mother passed. I’m joining a 3 week retreat with my brothers down in Assisi over July, a much needed break from the seminary. Perhaps we could organise a meet up sometime after that, how does that sound? I long to see you again, dear. Let me know if it’s something that you would like.
Love,
Giu
Ray found the letter waiting for him on the day that he had come back to Maynooth. One week turned into two, his trip heavy with emotions and mentally exhausting. This letter felt like the light at the end of a tunnel, and the proposal at the end of it was the sweetest of rewards. He wasted no time to write a reply.
My dear Giulio,
Excuse my late reply to your last letter, it is always a pleasure to hear from you and read that you’re well. The move took longer than expected and was very emotional. Lord knows when I will see her again. […]
I would love to see you this summer, how does a roadtrip around Ireland sound like to you?
Maybe we should talk about this on the phone. We have a communal phone here, call me next Saturday at 8 pm my time. I will be waiting for you.
Lots of love,
Ray
—
Raymond stood by the phone anxiously waiting for it to ring, unconsciously fidgeting with the string of his hoodie. In the distance, he could hear his brothers shouting in excitement, a plastic ping pong ball clicking on the table during what he could tell had turned out to be a very heated tournament. He ran a trembling hand through his already disheveled hair.
What was I thinking, he obviously didn’t receive the letter in time, we’ll never be able to do this-
One ring and Ray snapped back into reality. He stared at the phone as it rang a second time. He quickly glanced at the watch on his wrist. 8:01 PM. Almost perfect.
A third ring. He swiftly reached for the receiver and exhaled. “Hello?”
“Ray. Hi.”
Oh, he could recognise that voice anywhere. Deep, warm, so familiar despite having been months since he had last heard it. Ray almost melted hearing it again, bathing in the sensation of it saying his name. “Giulio. You got my letter!”
“Well yes, I wouldn’t have been able to call you otherwise, no?” Giulio was just as excited to hear the other’s voice, but couldn’t help but hide his nerves behind a sarcastic joke. He had crammed himself into a small phone booth just outside the grounds of the seminary, rain gently tapping on the exterior of it. He paused for a second, toying with the phone cord, trying to gather his thoughts.
“I missed your voice”, he managed to say.
Ray let out a small nervous laugh. “Yeah, me too, dear. H-how is everything going there?” This is not what he wanted to say, but somehow everything was so overwhelming all of a sudden that he had found himself at a loss for words, in a way that he had realised only Giulio could do to him. I need you right here, right now. Just say the words, and I’ll drop everything to follow you to the ends of the world.
On the other line, he could hear a small giggle coming out from the man’s mouth.
“Same as always… classes, my cats, Enzo driving me insane from time to time… we are moving to the upperclassmen dormitories in September, we will have our own bedroom, finally!”
“Oh, bless poor Enzo, he does try his best. Private bedrooms, you say? I might have to brush up on my sneaking in and out skills…” It was as if they hadn’t spent a single day apart. Their playful banter was still there, Ray could still be his true self with the only person that could get him out of his meticulously crafted shell.
Giulio blushed, something so unusual for him and yet so familiar whenever Ray would flatter him a bit too much, just like in any of his letters. They almost read like poems, he thought. Every single one of them kept in his tiny black notebook and always on his person. At least he could always keep a piece of Ray with him. He recomposed himself quickly, finding the perfect rebuttal. “You know, we could make it happen sooner than you think. Tell me about this roadtrip idea…”
And so he did, Ray had already planned everything in extreme detail, a nice trip in the south of the isle, carefully avoiding getting too close to the border, to steer clear of any conflict that they would still encounter there. Giulio listened, fascinated by the other man’s dedication to make sure that they’d have a good time, secretly wanting to tell him that he would be okay with spending all of their time together even in a dumpster, because in the end he didn’t care where or when, it would still be just the two of them, and that’s all that mattered to him.
“As for dates”, Ray bit his lip, hoping that their plans would align for this to happen, “I was thinking about the week between the 22nd and the 29th of August. Gives you plenty of time to recover from your July trip, and… my birthday is on the 26th. I… I would love to spend it with you, Giu.”
Giulio smiled widely. “Yes, absolutely, I would love to be with you on your birthday. I’ll go to the travel agent’s as soon as possible. I have to leave now, the curfew is in ten minutes or so. Can I call you tomorrow at the same time?”
“Yes! Yes… I will be waiting for you. Goodnight, my dear.”
“Goodnight, Ray.”
Ray put the receiver down and stood still for a minute, a dumb grin adorning his face. They were going to see each other again. The realization of it hit him almost immediately. This was all real. He happily tapped his feet, finally joining the others in the common hall, desperately trying to hide the hint of blush that had formed on his cheeks.
The next day, Giulio wasted no time and rushed to a travel agency with all of his savings to book return tickets for Dublin.
II - my heart comes undone
His touch was warmer than he remembered. Ray had barely managed to contain himself from picking Giulio up and kissing him then and there, in front of everyone else at the arrivals gate. Let them watch , he thought. They swayed together for a couple more seconds before finally breaking that long awaited hug.
Giulio looked just like the day they had last seen each other, the only difference being his usually pale cheeks now reddened in the sun with the faintest hint of a tan everywhere else on his body, as a result of hours spent outside in the warm Italian summer. Ray studied his face attentively, spotting a light splash of freckles on his nose, rendering him even more adorable.
“Hey, you.” Giulio looked up to finally meet Ray’s bright blue eyes with his own, bathing in that kind sight, finally putting his inner turmoil to rest.
He hadn’t been able to stop thinking about them, trying so hard to find the right colour in his palette that would match their hue, but without any success. Nothing could ever compare to the real thing.
“Hi. How was your flight here?” Ray could already tell from the prominent dark circles under his eyes that Giulio had barely slept the night before. For once he thanked his genetics for his lack of them, despite himself having managed a mere three hours of sleep that past night. Not that he was planning on sleeping any longer that night, if he would be given the chance.
“Good enough, even managed to doze off for a while. Hey, I like your haircut!”
“Uh, thanks! Just trying something new here, though I still don’t know if whatever a ‘short mullet’ is really fits my style.”
“I think it’s cute. Come on, show me the ride, it can’t be as bad as you described it…”
It might have been an exaggeration, but the car wasn’t really in good shape. An old bright yellow Ford Escort, Ray’s brother in law’s old car that he had left him before the move overseas. He just prayed that it would survive the entire trip.
Giulio shoved his ragged backpack in the boot of the car, before Ray closed it and grabbed his waist to push him against it, stamping a hungry kiss on his lips. Giulio responded with just as much fervor, his hands cupping Ray’s soft face and bringing him closer to him, almost going to lay down on the car. They separated with a gasp, only after hearing the sound of a car engine rapidly approaching.
“Sorry, I just couldn’t contain myself any longer.” Ray blushed slightly, burying his face into Giulio’s neck, the vibrations from his voice propagating throughout both of their bodies.
Giulio let out a small laugh, running his hand through his beloved’s hair, a smirk forming on his lips. “Got a thing for the outdoors, do you?”
Ray’s face turned bright red at the not so gentle teasing, given their past encounter. How he wished he could’ve done something about it then and there. He settled for a playful hit on Giulio’s bicep before opening the door on the left side to invite him in. “After you!”
They settled into the beat-up Ford and as the engine roared in the parking lot, the radio started playing tunes at full volume, which Ray promptly turned down, slightly embarrassed. “Sorry I like loud music in the car…”
Giulio was pleasantly amused, “Oh I couldn’t tell by the volume set at 95…” he moved his hand to slightly turn the volume up again, the air filled with the radio playing Duran Duran’s Wild Boys , which they promptly both started humming.
“Where are we headed, my captain?”
“Cork, here…” Ray handed Giulio a neatly folded map of Ireland, stopping at a red light and circling the city with his pointer finger. “I should be okay until Kildare or so, might need more help later on, so for now you can chill for a bit and play DJ on the radio, mh?”
“Thanks, but I think I’ll just enjoy the view…” Giulio turned his head to face Ray, initially oblivious to the fact that he was being hungrily stared at by the man in the passenger seat. “Sure, the countryside is beautiful this time of ye- hey!” His gaze was met by a full body scan from Giulio. What a tease , he thought.
“I’ll take care of you later…” he rebutted, letting his free hand rub on Giulio’s thigh.
Giulio bit his lip, knowing fully well what he meant by that. He lit himself a cigarette, only for it to be stolen immediately by Ray. “Driver’s tax”, he joked.
Giulio gladly obliged.
They didn’t get to see anything of the city that day. In fact, they had barely made it to their hotel room before getting their hands on each other’s bodies, their lips on each other’s lips, hungry, needy, not even making an effort to care about their long abandoned vows of chastity. They only broke off to join their two separate beds together, because of course why would they need to share a bed? To the untrained eye they just looked like two good friends travelling around the country together.
But what were they, exactly?
One could argue that once they had explored each other’s bodies in such a way, after having written and said such sweet yet forbidden words, there was no way they could get back to being just friends.
Friends… with benefits then? But where was the “benefit” in having to stay months and months apart from each other without being able to do anything about it?
Giulio’s mind wouldn’t stop running wild even when he found himself laying on the bed, Ray’s face buried between his legs, kissing the soft flesh of his thighs, fingers hooked in the elastic band of his underwear, mere seconds away from taking him in his mouth. Not even his intense need for release, or the fact that he was finally in bed with the only man that he had been fantasising about for the past few months could help him sway away from those thoughts. He’d been dissociating for a while when he felt a tight grip on his wrists, bringing him back to reality.
“Do you want me to keep going, Giu? You seem tired.”
“Don’t worry, you… you can go on.” He replied absentmindedly. Nothing new for him, he knew exactly where to bring his mind to cancel out unpleasant thoughts and give his body up to his lover’s lust. Old habits die hard, after all.
Ray shifted to finally look at Giulio, his sight inquisitive and confused. “But do you want me to continue?”
Giulio didn’t answer. Instead, he crawled to the top of the bed, knees to his chin. He didn’t dare to look at Ray in the eyes when he exhaled to finally speak again. “It’s just… this is a lot to handle. We’re finally back together and- Ray I like you, a lot, but the situation that we found ourselves in is less than ideal, and… oh God, I feel like I’m ruining everything already…”
“Hey…” it was almost unreal how grounding Ray’s touch was. A gentle caress was all Giulio needed to calm down. “I will not force you to do anything that you don’t want to do, understood?” Giulio nodded shyly, almost burying his face in the other’s palm. Ray moved a bit closer to place a soft kiss on his forehead. “If this is what you were concerned about, you should have told me, we could’ve had a conversation about this.”
“It’s just that… I don’t really know what this will become, Ray.”
“Whatever this is… it’s good, though. I like this. I like you. ” Giulio felt himself blush at this, shyly raising his gaze to meet Ray’s, his kind eyes glittering with compassion. He couldn’t resist leaning in to kiss the man, their lips meeting halfway through, soft, understanding.
Giulio liked how confident Ray was about his affections towards him, and in that moment he felt reassured by him that this was real, that there was actually something between them.
He just didn’t know if he was brave enough to say what it was out loud.
When Ray came out of the bathroom, he found Giulio laying down, his thin frame looking even smaller when all curled up on his side. He fought the urge to go up to him and kiss every inch of his face, settling on his side of the bed, still ruminating on what had happened between the two of them earlier. I don’t wanna lose him, he thought. I will try to give him as much space as he needs. But why is he worrying so much? Did I do something wrong?
Laying on his side, Giulio’s inner monologue was just as rampant. He just couldn’t grasp why he was that scared all of a sudden. Heavens, he even got confirmation that Ray did like him back after all! Maybe that was why it felt so scary. Real emotions were into play there, and if something was real, it could also be ruined, and that was the last thing he’d want to happen.
He turned around to look at Ray, the soft light filtrating through the window hitting his resting body, beautifully still, his kindness still shining through his features. He looks so peaceful, Giulio thought. If he got to wake up next to him even if just for this week, it would have been the biggest pleasure in the world. He inched closer to him, letting his eyes wander around Ray’s body and his fingers gently stoke his arm, mapping every single freckle that adorned his fair skin. For a split second, Giulio imagined the same scene but set somewhere else, perhaps in the distant future, which made his stomach turn, though not necessarily in a bad way.
“You know I’m not asleep, right?” Ray murmured, his voice already croaky. He opened his eyes again to face a slightly startled Giulio, who only managed to let out a meek “Sorry” back at him.
“I didn’t say I wasn’t enjoying it…” Ray lifted his arm up, letting it wrap Giulio’s body to bring him closer to his chest.
Giulio couldn’t even let out a single word, staring in awe and bathing in the affection that he was being shown. Ray’s words kept playing through his mind, whatever this is, it’s good. And he did believe that now. He leaned in closer to Ray’s face, kissing his lips as a way to thank him for what he’d been doing for him. No time to use words, as his eyelids started feeling heavier and heavier with every second that he passed in that warm embrace, quickly letting himself fall asleep peacefully. Ray smiled at himself, finally watching Giulio letting his guard down and allowing himself to be adored, joining him in his slumber soon after.
It was clear the next morning that they hadn’t spent a single moment of that night apart, when Giulio woke up tightly hugging Ray’s back, the other man still sleeping soundly in his arms, soft snores coming out of his mouth. His lips curled, placing small pecks on Ray’s shoulders, still smelling the pleasant floral scent of the hotel shower gel on his skin.
For the first time in years, Giulio gave himself the luxury of dozing off for a couple more minutes, allowing himself the joy of waking up together with the man that he was holding close to his chest.
III - slowly unravels
The morning of Ray’s 19th birthday came with a pale sun and the pleasant chill of a late summer day. Their naked bodies still intertwined, Giulio and Ray lay half asleep in their joint bed in a hotel just outside Galway.
Just like any summer child, Ray hadn’t had a particularly enjoyable birthday in years, a good portion of his childhood friends either moved away to the States or would still be on holiday, some others already planning their weddings at an absurdly young age. His early call to priesthood didn’t help either, it was a blessed yet lonely life. In many aspects of his being, Ray felt as if he was stuck between two worlds, the need for adventure, to experience life outside of the island that he had called home for all of his life, perhaps with a companion with whom to share those moments with, but at the same time he could not ignore the loud voice of the calling to serve God.
When he was with Giulio though, all of those doubts disappeared from his mind. This unpredictable, meteor of a man, one moment sweet and shy in his arms, the next staring at him through half lidded eyes, looking like a starved animal, whose loud moans would fill their room every night, and that would happily exchange fun facts about history and art every day between cigarettes.
And how he loved the warmth of his skin pressing on his. That word kept dancing on his tongue, where he would always desperately try to keep it tethered. But he couldn’t lie to himself, he did in fact fall fast and hard for the man. He would wait an entire lifetime, if it meant that he could be with Giulio in the end.
“Good morning, birthday boy.” Giulio, still spooning Ray from behind, placed a soft kiss on his neck, in a spot that he had come to find out was particularly sensitive on Ray’s body, who responded with a soft whimper.
“Morning, dear.” Ray turned around, hands reaching for Giulio’s face, cupping it, their soft lips meeting one another, the taste of each other still lingering on their tongues, which didn’t waste any time getting acquainted once again.
In a swift move, Ray found himself with his back on the mattress and Giulio on top of him, straddling him, placing kisses all over his torso, teeth slightly grazing his nipples which made him hiss in pleasure.
This is already, by far, my best birthday ever , Ray managed to think before, once again, giving his body up to lust.
He grabbed Giulio by the hips, letting him shift back and forth as their naked sexes rubbed together, a wave of pleasure hitting both of their bodies at once. Their eyes were locked onto one another, the friction created by their bodies quickly increasing with each movement, and soon they both found themselves chasing their orgasms.
Giulio bit his lip harshly, as his head rolled backwards, unable to keep his eyes open, but hearing a distant sound coming from the alarm he had set on his watch.
“We should, oh yes… we should start packing soon, ch-checkout is… in tw-twenty minutes… Ray! ” He came hard, collapsing on Ray’s body, his nails digging into his shoulders. It took Ray just two more thrusts to cum as well, choking back a moan, as their fluids mixed in between their bodies.
They soon recovered from their highs, quickly heading to the shower together before packing their small bags and heading out of the room, in such a record time that both of their faces were still flushed and warm with arousal, which they clumsily tried to hide when giving the keys back to the receptionist, who nodded and waved them goodbye, completely uncaring of the state they were in.
“Where to next?” said Giulio, opening the door on the passenger side of the yellow Ford, ready to jump in. Ray put out his cigarette, smoke coming out of his mouth. “I, uh… didn’t really plan anything for today, really. I was thinking we could drive east to Dublin and just… go out. I could really use a night out and I know a bunch of spots where we can hang out.”
“Sounds great to me, we can always find a place to sleep if we need to.”
With the drive back to the capital being almost three hours long, the two quickly settled into what had become their designated roles, having compromised on a (still arguably incredibly loud) volume 50 on the radio. They had both grown fond of this arrangement, leaving both of them time to chat about their lives or to sing along to the radio tunes, some times more off key than others. When Careless Whisper came up, they looked at each other for a moment, a soft smirk adorning both of their faces, reminiscing on that fateful night from five months prior, the moment they had given up themselves to one another for the first time.
Giulio would always replay that night in his mind, how for the first time in his life he had felt adored by another man, not only wanted for his body, but praised for who he was. He had been chasing that feeling ever since, and it almost felt like a dream to finally be able to experience it every day, even if just temporarily.
Ray couldn’t stop himself from glancing at Giulio, smiling at himself quietly as the bridge of the song hit and he proceeded to sing it at the top of his lungs.
“Oh, why did you stop singing with me?”
“You have a beautiful voice Giu, I didn’t want to ruin your big solo moment.” Ray joked. He wasn’t lying though, all those years spent in the church choir served him well. And that was another thing that Ray loved about Giulio. How he would hum old songs to himself while making the bed in the morning or when they would sit down at a bench after walking for most of the day, sometimes murmuring lyrics in languages he couldn’t even understand. It was one of those few things that seemed to let his guard down completely.
Giulio blushed at the compliment, reaching his hand to rub on Ray’s knee, only for it to be grabbed and kissed by the man at the wheel, who shot a playful wink at him. He thanked the Lord that he was already sitting down, as his heart skipped a beat and he felt his legs tremble. He’s gonna be the death of me, he thought. It took him a couple of minutes to regain composure, only to realise that they had completely missed the road exit that they were meant to take.
“Ah shit… we should’ve turned right there… The next exit is in… ten miles or so. I’m sorry, Ray…”
“No worries dear, it’s not like we have to be on time for something. Besides, we’re still spending time with each other, no?”
Giulio smirked, “…and you’re not helping either, distracting your navigator with those flattering remarks!”
“Oh is that so?” Ray quickly pulled the car over the side of the road, reaching over the passenger side to kiss a startled Giulio on the lips. “Call it your penance for making us go on the wrong road.”
Giulio swallowed hard, face flushed and boiling hot. Maybe he would accidentally get the road wrong a couple more times.
They got into Dublin mid-afternoon, and after grabbing a quick bite, they changed into what were the best clothes at their disposal, to then head out and hit the bars.
Giulio followed Ray into a fairly popular looking spot, where the crowd of young people meshed with the older generation, collectively enjoying an early pint of beer, while listening to live music from a merry quartet sitting in a corner.
“This is where Eileen… my sister… brought me last year for my first legal drink, the night of my 18th birthday. I know it’s probably not the best pint of your life but… I miss her dearly.”
Giulio grabbed onto his hand, thumb gently stroking on the back of it. They had talked about her a couple of times over the phone, and every time she was mentioned, Ray’s voice would grow heavy, tears filling his eyes. “I pray for her every night”, he added, his free hand tracing the rim of his half empty glass. “This move has not been easy on any of us in the family, let alone them, plus the news from the doctor, that she might not be able to carry a child… I pray to the Lord every night to bless her and that she might find peace in her life.”
Giulio’s gaze softened, a compassionate smile appearing on his face. He grabbed Ray’s hand in both of his, letting their fingers intertwine, not caring about anyone around them, too busy anyways with their own grievances or enjoying the live band to look in their direction.
“I’m sure she feels all the love. From you. From the Lord. And from what you told me about her, she must be so proud of you, of the man that you’re becoming.” Giulio’s smile widened, daring to place a kiss on Ray’s hand, feeling safe enough to do so. And even if someone did see them in that moment, let them.
“Also, she would scold you for sulking on your big day. Now, where can I take my birthday boy out to dance?”
Ray blushed. My birthday boy . He thought he had hallucinated it for a split second.
“Oh, um… I know a place, if you don’t mind walking for a bit.”
“I never mind when I’m with you.” Giulio downed the rest of his beer, already feeling a faint buzz thanks to it, but taking full advantage of the little boost of confidence from it.
It had been like this from the moment they had met, Ray had this… power on him, subverting his usual calm and mysterious persona completely. He would blush, he would giggle, he would count the seconds until he could feel his touch again.
Oh God, is this what love feels like?
That’s all he could think about when they got out on the street, a brisk twenty minute walk ahead of them, and every time their hands would slightly brush against one another, his heart would jump a little. They shared a cigarette as he listened to Ray talk about the city, about what they could do in the next few days, the museums, the parks… all Giulio could do was stare and smile in awe at this gentle young man, feeling his heart being finally filled with joy.
Ray took his hand firmly as they went down the stairs to an almost hidden entrance, the only indication of it being an open business being a small neon sign above the door that read ACHILLES.
The interior of the bar was dark and the air heavy with the smell of smoke, but Giulio could quickly work out that Ray had indeed brought him to a gay club.
“Oh you smart cookie… I knew you would understand what I meant by that.” Giulio didn’t hesitate a second more before grabbing Ray’s waist to draw him closer and give him a kiss. It felt great to finally be able to express their affection for each other in public, regardless of how secluded and underground that place was.
They made their way to the bar, Giulio elbowing his way to grab vodka sodas for the both of them, their glasses clinking together as they cheersed to Ray’s birthday. Giulio’s face grimaced as he realised how incredibly strong the drinks were. Oh well, they were well worth the money.
“Care for a dance, dear?” Ray opened his hand in offering, which Giulio gladly took, letting himself be led to the crowded dance floor.
Giulio could now see another side of Ray in the dark club, he moved with a certain swagger and confidence of someone unashamed of flaunting their own sexuality, their bodies swaying together as the tunes jumped from italodisco classics to American hits. He looks so handsome , Giulio thought, as Ray swiftly combed through his hair to take it out of his face. Ray couldn’t help but stare at Giulio as he undid the first few buttons of his linen shirt, biting his lower lip before letting a hand gently trace the now exposed part of Giulio’s chest, sending a shiver down his spine. An intense wave of arousal hit them both, incentivised by the heavy buzz caused by the drinks they had just downed, grinding on each other on the dance floor, letting their mouths wander around their lips, face and neck.
“Follow me…” Ray whispered into Giulio’s ear, once he had felt the other man’s hand slip towards the swollen bulge forming in his trousers.
They stumbled into the toilet, carefully shutting the door behind them, as Ray managed to pick Giulio up and place him on the sink before their tongues got to meet each other once more.
Ray let one of his hands travel to Giulio’s crotch, palming at his hardness, causing him to let out a trembling moan into Ray’s mouth. There was barely any romance involved in the ordeal, with Giulio desperately grinding his hips onto Ray’s hand, as one of his hands tried to reach for Ray’s jeans to unbutton them, allowing him access to the man’s boxers.
“Ray… I, please… I need you, inside…” Giulio moaned, quickly working Ray’s cock in his fist, his own achingly hard and begging for release. He broke off from Ray’s tight grip and led him into a stall, lowering his trousers and briefs and presenting his bare ass to the man.
Ray gladly obliged with his lover’s request, stroking his length while letting his fingers gently stretch his entrance, eliciting a deep moan from Giulio, which was thankfully cancelled out by the loud music coming from outside.
Ray lowered himself, placing warm kisses on Giulio’s ass cheeks, leaving a bite mark or two, as he watched Giulio’s back arch in pleasure. With one final kiss, Ray replaced his fingers with his tongue, working it around the ring of muscle, leaving behind as much lubrication as he could, slowly daring to fuck the now stretched hole with it a couple of times.
“Ah fuck… Ray, I can’t… ti prego, baby … fuck me already…” Giulio could not handle any more foreplay, he had become too needy too fast.
Ray stumbled to his feet, reaching for Giulio’s face to grab it and stamp a messy kiss on those oh so sweetly parted lips, letting Giulio taste himself on his tongue.
He lined the tip of his cock with Giulio’s entrance, rubbing it slightly before pushing himself inside, letting out a heavy breath at the feeling of warmth enveloping him. He picked up the pace almost immediately, feeling Giulio moan and whimper under him, already getting close.
“Oh, dear… you feel… so good around me…” Ray whispered in Giulio’s ear, his fingers leaving bruises on the skin of his hips, hissing with every thrust.
“Ray, I’m… I’m close, cazzo… ” Giulio managed through gritted teeth, his head spinning faster than normal, as he tried to steady himself on the door of the bathroom stall. It was all so incredibly arousing, the knowledge that they could get discovered at any second rendering the whole experience even more pleasurable for him, feeling his release building up faster by the second.
“Giu… come for me… come in my mouth, love …”, Ray pulled out quickly, himself terribly close to orgasm, and lowered himself to welcome Giulio’s seed on his tongue, finishing in his hand thanks to a couple of strokes, feeling Giulio spill in his mouth soon after, with Giulio grabbing him by the hair to ground himself and coming with a loud moan.
Their heavy breaths synched as they tried to come down from their highs as quickly as possible, Giulio lending a helping hand to Ray to get dressed again as not to stain his clothes. A malicious voice seemed to take control over Giulio, who got hold of Ray’s cum filled hand and started sucking on each digit, lapping up every last drop of salty liquid with his tongue and making Ray’s softened cock twitch once again.
“Consider this my birthday present”, he said, loud suckling noises coming from his mouth as he finished up cleaning Ray’s pinky finger.
They quickly cleaned themselves up, thanking every saint that no one had needed to use the bathroom in the time that they had been inside, swiftly rejoining the dance floor hand in hand for a while, before going in for a second round of vodka sodas.
It had been a while since Giulio had indulged into some heavy drinking, and with his mind already so gone from the quick yet mindblowingly erotic sex, combined with what had turned out to be double shots of vodka in their drinks, he had quickly found himself incredibly drunk, clinging onto Ray’s neck for support, and barely managing to keep his eyes open.
Ray tried to pull himself together enough to be of support for him, slowly climbing up the stairs to get them both some fresh air.
“Ray…” Giulio’s voice was small and high pitched, barely audible as he spoke with his head buried in Ray’s shoulder. “I’m sorry baby… you shouldn’t spend your birthday like this…” his voice broke in soft sobs, as Ray could feel his shirt dampen at the shoulder. Feeling Giulio cry on him had the unexpected effect of sobering him up rather quickly. He ran a thumb on Giulio’s cheek, drying the tears flowing from his dark eyes filled with guilt. “Hey… don’t cry… are you kidding… I’m spending my birthday with my favourite person!”
“Don’t say it if you don’t mean it!” Giulio pouted, his voice still choked intermittently by sobs.
“It’s alright Giu…we’re together, and that’s all that matters to me! Plus…” Ray bit his lip, lowering his voice to avoid the ears of the very obviously eavesdropping bouncer, “what we did in the bathroom stall? It was so hot.”
“It was…”
They stood there in silence for a couple of minutes, Ray stroking Giulio’s hair, the other almost falling asleep to that soothing feeling. He could do that for hours, placing small kisses over his beloved’s face, over that mole that he loved , making sure he knew how much he cared for him.
And that night, more than others, Giulio let him, his body giving up completely to the sensation, and in a moment of clarity, he came to terms with the fact that he loved it.
They slowly walked back to the car hand in hand, uncaring if anyone could see them in that state. They settled back into their seats, too tired and drunk to look for a cheap hotel to spend the night in, instead enjoying the silence, dozing off from time to time, as they watched the sun rise again, hands still intertwined together.
IV - in a ball of yarn
Ray felt restless in that bed, each one of his attempts to fall asleep completely futile. He stood up to head to the toilet, hoping that a quick stroll could help him grow tired, but without any success. He stared at himself in the mirror, his eyes red and begging for rest, as he washed his hands before heading back to the room.
Giulio shifted in the sheets, feeling the bed empty on his side, which caused him to let out a displeased moan.
“Shh, it’s okay…” Ray walked over to his side of the bed, placing a small kiss on Giulio’s cheek. “I’m still here, dear…”
“Mmh… can’t sleep.” Giulio’s eyes were half open, voice raspy and heavy. He had somehow managed to tangle himself inside the sheets, which he now struggled to set himself free from.
“Yeah… me neither.”
Their moods had been somber for the entire evening, having spent most of it in a tight embrace, the stillness of their hotel room periodically interrupted by soft sobs as they refused to let go of one another. With Giulio’s flight back to Milan being that next morning at 10 AM, they had tried to go to bed at a reasonable hour anyways, but in vain.
Ray sat on Giulio’s side of the bed, letting a hand run through his hair, as Giulio leaned into the touch, his face finding its way to the palm of Ray’s hand to place a kiss in the centre of it.
Ray stood still, desperately trying to etch that handsome face into his memory forever, so that he could always be present in his daily life, despite the cruel distance that would plague them once more. He let out a sigh, his eyes threatening tears again.
“I think I’ll go out for a smoke.” He said, reaching for the t-shirt that he had unceremoniously tossed over a chair just a couple of hours prior. He struggled to look back at Giulio now, knowing fully well that his body’s natural reaction would be to break down and cry. But as he got up from the bed, getting ready to head out of the room, he felt a hand grip on his wrist. “Wait. I’ll… I’ll come with you.”
Ray nodded silently, waiting for Giulio to quickly get dressed without making a single noise.
They headed out of the hotel at 2:30 AM, hand in hand, but without daring to look each other in the eyes. It was as if all of their happiness was drained from them, and in some ways it really felt that way. Soon enough they were going to go back to being just Ray and Giulio, not quite friends, not quite lovers. Just two boys, aware of their feelings for each other, but too frightened to make a move. They hadn’t discussed anything past what had transpired on that first night, choosing to ignore what had happened in favour of living in the moment, and yet it all came back to haunt them in the end.
The discomfort in that silence was eating Giulio alive. He felt as if the trip had changed him, no longer running away from the affections he was deserving of, but accepting of his softer side, finally feeling as if he had found the one person who could elicit something real within him.
Was Ray really the one, then?
He turned his head around to look at him, tired swollen eyes, still glassy, his hair messy, a hint of a blonde-reddish stubble on his cheeks and chin. So different from the gentle and kind look that he had grown to love . And yet, this too was his Ray.
I can’t leave him like this , he thought.
Their long, silent walk had led them to the riverside, where they had found a stone bench to sit down and, just like that first time back in Rome, smoke some Marlboro reds from Giulio’s packet.
Ray stared at the glittering water of the river, imagining what it could have been if the two of them weren’t so far apart. He thought of what it would feel like, coming back from their classes and into their dormitory, sharing a laugh while cuddling, or secretly holding hands under the table in the library while preparing for their exams.
He grieved a life that he knew would never happen.
He let his cigarette be lit up by Giulio, finally meeting his gaze again, his expression matching his own, betraying his inner turmoil about that dreaded departure.
Giulio reached his free hand to cup Ray’s face, managing a sad smile between drags of his cigarette.
Neither of them had yet dared to break that unnerving and heavy silence, but when Ray went to lay his head on Giulio’s shoulder, free hand squeezing his beloved’s arm, something finally clicked in Giulio’s mind. He wanted, no he needed to make him his.
“Let’s do this then.”
“Wh- what?” Ray’s reaction was slightly delayed, incapable of understanding what Giulio meant by that. And despite having his suspicions, he would not dare thinking about it unless it came out directly from Giulio’s mouth.
“Us. Together. I want to do this.” Giulio threw away the end of his cigarette, turning his body to fully face Ray, hands holding his in a tight grip.
It was almost as if all the life was brought back into Ray’s face, his eyes staring directly into Giulio’s. “You mean… together together?”
“Yes Ray, I’m- I’m asking if you would want to be my boyfriend.” Giulio almost laughed hearing that coming out of his mouth. After years of denying himself even the luxury of those feelings, he knew then, more than ever, that it was the right thing to do.
Ray was in fact the one.
And he’d do anything to keep it that way, even if it meant making the scariest decision in his entire life.
Finally opening his heart.
Ray felt like all of his prayers had been heard at once, struggling to do anything else other than grinning from ear to ear. He freed his hands, grabbing Giulio’s t-shirt from the collar, forcing the other man even closer to him, their lips meeting for a passionate kiss.
“Like that as a yes?” He joked, a small giggle escaping both of their mouths, still close to one another.
“Oh, indeed I do.” Giulio smiled widely, bathing in the sensation. Nothing had changed, yet it wasn’t the same anymore. He glanced into Ray’s eyes - his boyfriend’s eyes - and how he adored being able to do so.
“Ray, I- I will be back soon, my dear. I can’t even tell you all the ways in which you have changed my life, changed me for the better. I’ll never stop thanking the moment that I have decided to lay my eyes upon you.”
Ray’s eyes glistened, struggling to hold back tears. It was such an overwhelming situation, knowing that he could finally put a label onto the man he loved , but that at the same time he had to let go of him, being unable to see him again for Lord knew how long. Somewhere in his mind, an impulsive thought formed, that he should leave everything behind and move to Italy to be with him and…
No, he couldn’t do that, not yet. He thought of his mother, of his father, of the two children that they had already seen leave, for better and for worse. And with his sister now in America and his brother doing God knows what in the north, he was all that they had left. He simply didn’t have the luxury of indulging into that fantasy now.
“One day”, he started, trying to hide the tears in his eyes once again, “I will come back to Italy and stay there. I will finish my studies here and then I will do anything in my power to move and I-”
“Hey, hey, it’s alright. We will manage this. I’ll be there, waiting for you.”
Giulio reached for Ray to hold him in a tight embrace, letting him melt into his body, head buried in his chest, as quiet sobs escaped his mouth. Everything he had experienced so far was so new and scary to Giulio, but somehow it never pained him. On the contrary, the thought that his reward was going to be able to adore and love someone as pure and gentle and caring as Ray, it would all be worth it.
–
Ray rolled to his side of the bed, his body exhausted, covered in sweat, as he tried to recover from one last round with his insatiable lover. His expression was almost serene though, his mind still replaying whatever trick his boyfriend had managed to do that time. He smirked, turning his head towards Giulio, still recovering from his high, his face deliciously flushed, hoping that their next door neighbours were really heavy sleepers.
But as Ray leaned over Giulio’s side to kiss his beautiful face, they heard that dreaded alarm coming from Giulio’s watch, ruining that blissful moment.
They made their way to the shower together, helping each other get cleaned up, sharing tender kisses and small laughs, as some foam ended up on Ray’s nose.
“Hm… I like this look on you…” said Giulio, stroking Ray’s cheeks, where his light coloured stubble grew out from.
“Oh, I’m afraid you won’t see much of it, not everyone manages to get a five o’clock shadow seconds after shaving!”
“Hey! It’s a blessing and a curse. Besides… you look cute regardless.”
They really couldn’t get enough of each other, and even as they left the hotel and headed to the car to drive to the airport, they were both determined to render their last moments together as joyous as possible, singing along to the radio together, exchanging jokes, stealing quick kisses when stopping at red lights.
When Giulio opened the door of the yellow Ford for the last time, Ray was already there waiting for him, his backpack resting on a shoulder, hand stretched out in offering, which Giulio gladly took.
The walk to the gate was slow, neither of them wanting to leave the other, as they waited until the last call to the gate to get separated.
Ray pulled Giulio into a tight hug, needing now more than ever to feel his weight on his body, one last time. Giulio pulled his head up, nearing his lips to Ray’s ear.
“I will call you soon, amore , wait for me.”
“Yes, yes. I will.”
With that, Giulio finally walked away, taking one last glance at Ray, who stood there, waving him goodbye, already counting the days until they could get reunited again.
–
Immediately after returning to Milan, Giulio went and got the keys to his new single dorm room at the seminary, moving all of his belongings out of the shared space he had been living in for the past three years. It all felt like a fresh start to his journey in life, a new page that for the first time included someone else in his narrative.
Ray.
As he finished setting up his few personal effects, he picked up his backpack, opening the main compartment to toss all of the clothes in his laundry basket.
At the bottom of the bag, something caught his eye.
A folded piece of paper that wasn’t there when he had packed that morning back in Dublin.
He opened it and smiled. Inside of it, the ripped end of a photobooth strip, one that they had taken on their second day in the capital, a picture of them with their tongues out throwing a peace sign at the camera, and the other of them kissing.
And written on the paper, in Ray’s unmistakable slanted handwriting, quickly scribbled in thin strokes, were three simple words.
I love you.