Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Shin doesn't remember a single day he hasn't been in love with Saint. For as long as he can remember, Saint has always been not only his best friend, but also and above all his point of reference, his light at the end of the tunnel, the person who understands him more than anyone else, the one who over the years has made him smile countless times but also shed many tears with his stubborn character and his personality, sometimes difficult to decipher. They were two very different people, yet they seemed to fit together perfectly, perhaps because both were hopeless, perhaps because both were content with little in life, perhaps because they didn't aim high as boys their age should have, be it for careers or interpersonal relationships.

"Saint!" he groans his name one last time before reaching orgasm.

Saint comes in the condom and pulls out of him.

Shin, breathing heavily, with one hand removes his long hair from his eyes and then ties it in a bun once he sits up on the bed. He sees Saint still sitting in the corner of it, so he approaches him and tries to hug him from behind. However, when their skin makes contact, Saint gets up and heads towards the bathroom, leaving Shin alone.

The latter didn't expect anything different. Every time they had sex and he tried to hug him afterward, Saint behaved in a detached way and wouldn't let Shin hug him or leave any kisses on his body. He pretended he didn't care, yet his heart shattered into a thousand pieces every time. He hoped that one day, Saint would let himself go a little and allow him to cross that thin line separating sex from love.

Saint knew Shin had feelings for him, Shin had confessed it years before, when drunk, after a party organized at the house of one of their high school friends with whom they continued to have a beautiful friendship.

That evening, Shin had his first time, at the age of twenty-two. He was drunk, didn't remember every single thing precisely, yet he perfectly remembered all the sensations he had felt. He could never forget the moment Saint's lips touched his for the first time, after years of wishing it would happen. He could never forget the way Saint was gentle with him, the way he touched him, the way he held him close the entire time, as if he was afraid of losing him at any moment. He doesn't vividly remember Saint's expression at that moment, he had a blurred flashback, yet, in his memories, he could swear he saw him smile as he took his virginity.

Not a mocking smile, but a sincere smile, a smile of someone who truly wanted him, who truly wanted to be one with him. That time, Shin didn't have sex, but he made love, with the person he had waited years for.

However, the next day, when he tried to talk to Saint about it, the latter behaved in a totally different way than the night before. "It was a mistake" he had told him. Shin's world collapsed, he returned home without adding anything else and began to cry profusely and tremble. Shin believed that Saint loved him the same way he loved him, he truly believed it, he was almost certain. Why did he treat me as if I mattered? Why did he make love to me that way, as if I were the most precious thing in his hands? Why doesn't he love me as I love him? That day Shin's head was full of all those questions, to which he never found an answer again.

Since their first time, Saint continued to behave with him as if nothing had happened, yet their friendship seemed different. If Shin previously tried to repress his feelings, after that night he began to send him clear signals. He tried to always stay close to him, used physical contact whenever he had the chance, smiled at him differently than before, cooked for him even though he was totally inept, but watched YouTube tutorials to learn and not disappoint him.

Saint seemed to appreciate these gestures, he didn't have any particular reactions to them, yet he never refused. Everything took a different turn, when one day, Shin decides to approach Saint of his own free will, while they were on the sofa watching Netflix. The pinkies of their hands resting on the sofa ended up touching, Saint then turned towards him, but Shin was already looking at him.

Shin looks at his lips, and slowly tries to move his head closer to join them to his. However, Saint's reaction is far from positive.

"What the hell are you doing?!" he says, pushing him away from him and getting up from the sofa.
"S-Saint I-" Shin can't finish the sentence.

"You need to stop behaving like this, Shin!" Saint scolds him, raising his voice.

"Like what?" he asks, tears threatening to fall from his eyes.

"Like this! I'm not gay, I don't like boys, get that straight!" Saint gestures by pointing his index finger to his temple, still in a loud tone of voice.

"Oh really? Then why that time when I confessed my feelings to you while drunk, did you not think twice about taking my virginity?"

"What? Your virg-" Saint asks, with a rather stunned look, although Shin doesn't let him finish the sentence.

Shin sniffs, he doesn't want to break down in front of him, he doesn't want Saint to see his tears.

"Yes, Saint. I waited, because I wanted you to be my first." Shin replies, looking him straight in the eyes.

"It was a mistake." Saint repeats again, lowering his gaze.

"I don't care." Shin replies, lowering his gaze, so Saint doesn't see him crying.

"Shin I-" Saint is interrupted again by his best friend.

"If it was a mistake then it was the best mistake of my life." at that point Shin looks up, unable to hide, and Saint can see tears streaming down his cheeks.

Saint, unable to say anything else, after hearing that last sentence spoken by Shin, takes his face and kisses him passionately. It wasn't a slow kiss like their first, it was a messy and needy kiss. Shin would have wanted to pull back at that moment, he should have, but he didn't have that much self-love, so he went on, he let Saint kiss him, touch him everywhere and finally fuck him on his living room sofa. Unlike their first time, which happened months earlier, that day, Saint had not been gentle. He had been rude, he hadn't hugged Shin even once, he hadn't touched his lips again throughout the act, he hadn't even looked him in the eyes. While Saint moved inside him, Shin had started to cry, not because it was hurting him. What hurt him was his heart, it was the indifference Saint was feeling towards him at that moment.

The next morning, when Shin wakes up, he realizes he's in his bed. He gets up and goes to the bathroom to wash his face, he looks terrible but decides not to think about it. When he goes downstairs, surprisingly, he finds Saint in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. He thought he would have run away, as he usually did when things got complicated, but instead he was still in his house, and Shin wondered what would happen next.

"Saint?" Shin calls out to him.

"Hm?" the latter looks up from the kitchen and when Shin sees him, he notices bags under his eyes, a sign that he hadn't slept very well.

"Can we talk?" the boy sincerely asks him.

Saint nods, as he brings two plates with eggs, toast, and orange juice to the small table in the kitchen for breakfast.

Shin, with his gaze lowered, nervously touches his hands. Saint notices this, so he speaks.

"So? I have to go to work soon, so tell me clearly what you want." Saint tells him, coldly.

"Sorry." Shin replies.

Saint adds nothing more.

Shin takes a deep breath, then looks him in the eyes, ready to speak.

"Let's be friends with benefits." the boy begins.

Saint almost chokes on his orange juice.

"Why?" Saint asks him, with a frown.

"I just want the chance to be closer to you." Shin replies to him.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Shin." Saint adds.

"Please." Shin looks at him with sad eyes as he replies.

"I know you'll never return my feelings, and I'll try to put them aside, but at least grant me this." the boy adds.

"I have some conditions." Saint replies.

"I'm listening." Shin adds.

"No kisses or hugs are allowed outside of that moment, no feelings are allowed, and it's not allowed to tell anyone else, only the two of us can know." Saint clarifies.

"Okay, I accept these conditions." Shin replies.

"Another thing, if I find a girl I like, I want to be able to end the agreement." Saint adds.

"Okay, provided we can still remain friends even after our agreement ends." Shin continues.

"Would you still want us to be friends even after all this?" Saint asks.

"I'd rather see you with someone else than never have you in my life again." Shin concludes.

Saint says nothing more, they continue to have breakfast in silence. Shin begins to feel a knot in his stomach just at the thought of seeing Saint with someone else, but he tries not to think about it and to focus on the present.

It's been a year since Shin proposed to be friends with benefits. In a year, Saint has never introduced him to anyone and has never told him he's fallen in love. Shin is happy about it. It's also been a year since they started living together. Shin lost his parents at fifteen due to a car accident, and since then he lived with his grandmother until he was nineteen. From then on, he told his grandmother his desire to create his own space, so he returned to his home and started living alone. He is now twenty-three, works in a bar in downtown Bangkok and on weekends assists a youth league football team. Saint, on the other hand, works in a hotel, also in Bangkok, as a waiter. By now he spends every day at home with Shin and rarely returns to his own house. His father is often drunk and Saint doesn't enjoy being in his company every day, except, from time to time.

Therefore, it's as if they are now living together. Saint has his own side of the closet, his own toothbrush, sleeps in his bed, contributes to paying bills, takes turns with him when groceries are needed, and many other things. Shin shouldn't think that way, but he's happy to share his routine with Saint. Even though he behaves in a detached way most of the time, he's happy to spend his days with him, to find someone at home who prepares dinner for him when he returns from work, or when he waits for Saint to come home.

It's hard for him to pretend he feels nothing for Saint, when he just wants to hug him or kiss him whenever he wants, without being limited by their agreement. However, he is aware that this won't change, that Saint won't return his feelings, but as long as it lasts, as long as they can continue as they decided, Shin will accept it, at the cost of not losing Saint and keeping him by his side.

Chapter Text

When he wakes up the next morning, Shin feels more tired than usual. He had slept well but felt unrested. He sits cross-legged on the bed to connect with the surrounding world, before getting up and going to the bathroom. The moment he looks in the mirror, he almost gets scared. A very noticeable pimple had grown near his nose, and he wanted to scream. He didn't have much self-esteem, to be honest he never had. He was of a thin build, had long hair and hated his nose. He didn't see himself as handsome, he thought he was a hopeless idiot. No one looked at him, no one gave him an extra glance as if to try something with him, no one cared. He wasn't muscular and didn't even have a handsome face, he didn't expect it to be different, but, every now and then he would have liked to experience that feeling. Working in a bar, he saw many people during the day, both alone and in couples, and he couldn't help but feel envy for the latter category. Throughout his life he had always been a spectator, never a protagonist, especially when it came to love. He had never been in a relationship, no one had seriously tried with him, after a few days of conversation he was always discarded because he wasn't interesting enough or handsome enough. He had tried to change, to adjust, to fix himself, to become someone better, but he could never impress anyone. He realized he was attracted to boys after falling in love with Saint. 

When he started feeling something for him it was before high school, it was before he disappeared from his life after causing him a serious leg injury, preventing him from pursuing his dream of becoming a footballer. That period was one of the darkest, without Saint he felt incomplete. He shed so many tears for him, every time he heard the doorbell ring he hoped to find him at his gate, but every time it was never him. When he saw him again at school during his last year of high school, he couldn't believe his eyes. The moment he saw him, more handsome than ever, he yelled at him, ordering him to stay away. The truth is that after their encounter, once classes ended and he returned home, he started crying profusely, he started crying because he couldn't believe he had seen him again, he was happy even if he should have been furious, even if he wanted and had to, for his own self-respect, make it seem like he didn't want to see him anymore. In the end, after many attempts by Saint to rebuild their relationship, he gave in, he forgave him, he forgave him for abandoning him after what he had done, he forgave him everything. Saint had even told him that he did it because he couldn't accept having him away from him, Shin read in his eyes that he really meant it. He forgave him, with a pounding heart, because he loved him, he loved him more than he loved himself. 

After doing his skincare and tying his hair in a ponytail, he dresses in a black tracksuit and a half-sleeved shirt of the same color that perfectly hugs his waist and leaves the bathroom to head towards the kitchen, where Saint is busy setting the table with the breakfast he had just finished preparing.

“Good morning Shin.” Saint tells him. 

“Good morning.” he replies, sitting down and covering the side of his face to hide the pimple that had grown near his nose. Saint looks at him with a frown.

“What’s wrong?” he asks him.

“N-Nothing.” Shin mumbles. Saint, seeing that hand still on that side of his face, without warning takes it and moves it away, revealing his best friend's pimple. 

“What are you doing?!” Shin asks him incredulously, as he feels their hands touch. 

“Are you covering your face because of that?” Saint breaks their contact and points the index finger of his left hand towards the pimple.

“So what? I don’t want you to see it.” the boy confesses. 

“Why do you think I should care about a pimple? You’re still Shin, and besides, it’s normal for them to pop up sometimes.” Saint replies. 

“I don’t have a handsome face, and with a pimple it’s even worse. And what if you don’t want to do it anymore-” Shin is blocked by Saint. Shin was afraid that Saint would no longer want to do it with him, and this already shows how insecure he feels when it comes to Saint.

“Shin, stop it. A pimple is just a pimple, it’s nothing catastrophic.” Saint replies to him in a somewhat angry tone. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you angry.” Shin adds, lowering his gaze. 

“Stop apologizing for everything, nothing serious happened.” this time Saint uses a calmer tone of voice. 

Shin gives him a small smile in response, then they continue their breakfast. 

“Have a good day, see you tonight.” Shin tells him as they both leave the house. 

“You too.” Saint replies, then they part ways, Saint heading towards his motorcycle and Shin towards the bus stop not far from his house.

When he arrives at work, he puts on his black apron and ties his hair in a bun.

"Shin, welcome!" Nipa, his boss, greets him.

"Khun Nipa." he greets her with the prayer gesture, typical of Thai people.

"Are you okay? You look tired." she asks, looking closely at his face.

"Yes, I just woke up tired and with this." he points to the pimple.

"Oh, a handsome face like yours doesn't deserve these pimples!" she adds, pinching his cheek.

He smiles at her and then starts working behind the counter. From the display window he sees various passersby, dressed differently and looking different. Every day he tries to decipher the personalities of the people who enter the bar with just a glance, he always wonders what they do in life and what their character is like but obviously, not knowing them, he cannot know the exact answer so he leaves everything to his imagination. Imagination is his refuge, a refuge to escape reality, to switch off and put his life on pause for a few moments. Closing his eyes and allowing himself to imagine scenarios that could never come true was his second favorite moment of the day, his absolute favorite was spending time with Saint.
The day passes quite quickly between one coffee and another, and between one table and another.

"Shin." he hears a female voice call him from the entrance.

"Eve, what are you doing here?" he greets one of his high school friends, with whom he had stayed in touch.

"I came to get a caramel macchiato, I'm going to Airy's house and I wanted something to drink on the way." she replies.

"I'll prepare it right away." Shin replies, putting down the cloth he was using to clean the table.

He heads behind the counter, where his friend joins him.

"So, what's new? We haven't seen each other in a while." she adds.

"Not much to tell, I keep working and thinking about the house." he replies, shrugging.

"And with Saint?" the girl asks him.

"With Saint what?" he continues.

"Have you told him you're in love with him?" she asks, without beating around the bush.

Shin almost drops the glass he had picked up.

"How do you know? Did Tew and Chadjen tell you?" he replies in a panic.

"You're not very hard to read, it's when you were pretending to be angry with him in school that I figured it out." she replies.

Shin nods, embarrassed.

"So? Have you confessed?" the girl asks again.

"No, and I don't want to." he lies.

"Why not?" she asks as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"Because Saint doesn't like boys, and besides, I don't want to ruin our friendship." he lies again.

"Saint doesn't like boys? But do you know the same Saint I know?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

Shin doesn't answer and continues to prepare the caramel macchiato.

"Okay, let's put it this way. Saint may not like boys, but he likes you." she replies, with certainty.

"It's impossible for Saint to like me, don't you think if that were the case he would have told me?" he asks.

"You should know better than anyone that Saint likes to run away from problems, if he likes you he certainly won't tell you and will wait for you to do it." she adds.

Shin really wishes it were as Eve says, but he knows the sad truth and can't help but be sad about it.

"Think about it Shin. He wanted to drop out of school for you, he took beatings from Jeng and his allies for you, he told you he only cares about you." the girl continues.

That was the old Saint. The new Saint almost always treats him coldly, no longer says those things to him. Saint changed because of him, because of that drunken confession. If only he had silenced his feelings once and for all instead of revealing them when he wasn't sober, by now, perhaps their relationship wouldn't be what it is.

"Here's your caramel macchiato." Shin hands the bag to Eve.

"Thanks, by any chance do you have any chocolate cake left? I'd like to take it to Eve as it's her favorite." she adds.

"There's only one slice left." Shin points it out to her from the counter.

"Okay, I'll take it." Eve replies.

Shin also wraps the cake and says goodbye to his friend, who disappears behind the glass door of the bar.

He goes to clean the last tables, as the sun is about to set outside. However, he feels his phone vibrate in his pants pocket. When he reads the name of Saint, his face lights up.

Saint: I'll pick you up, let's go for a ride along the river

Shin smiles, happy that Saint suggested spending an evening different from the usual. He finishes cleaning the tables with more enthusiasm and eagerness. When he finishes, he sees Khun Nipa and his two colleagues emerging from the kitchen.

"I've cleaned the tables, I'll get ready to leave if it's not a problem." he asks.

"No problem, in fact, great job! I've never seen you finish cleaning the tables so quickly." she jokes.

Shin puts a hand behind his neck, embarrassed by the playful way the woman had uttered those words and by the situation in general. 

How could he tell her that he was happy because the person he was in love with had proposed spending an evening different from the usual together and that Saint himself had taken the initiative?
A few minutes later he hears Saint's motorcycle stop.

"See you tomorrow." he replies, leaving and greeting everyone.

When he goes out, he sees Saint in a sweatshirt and jeans on his motorcycle, still wearing his helmet, which he soon lowers the visor of. He gets off the motorcycle and opens the compartment beneath them to get a helmet for Shin as well.

"How was your day?" Shin asks him while putting on the helmet.

"Can't complain." he replies, shrugging.

At that point both get on the motorcycle. Shin holds onto it to avoid physical contact with Saint, and to avoid annoying him, as he usually did.

"Hold onto me." Saint grabs his hands from behind and brings them around his waist.

"There's traffic but I know a shortcut to the river, but it's a bit of an uncomfortable road so it's best if you hold on tight." he makes sure to specify.

Shin nods, and wraps his arms around Saint. His heart starts beating faster, he almost fears Saint can hear it.

At that point he starts the engine and speeds through Bangkok, amidst the streetlights and stars in the sky illuminating the great Thai capital.

Shin feels the wind pierce his bones, he inhales and exhales as if to relax, and looks at Saint in front of him with a smile, holding him tight so as not to fall. Saint was not used to going fast on the motorcycle when Shin was with him since the latter was scared.

"Hold on tight." he tells him as he accelerates more than expected.

They cross a narrow and rocky path.

Once out, Saint slows down and Shin can breathe again.

After a few minutes they arrive near the river. Both get off the motorcycle and remove their respective helmets.

Shin tidies his hair and Saint does the same, despite his hair being short compared to his best friend's.

While opening the compartment to put away the helmets and his gloves, Saint pulls out a bag and hands it to Shin.

Shin reads the logo of a pharmacy, he doesn't understand why until he looks inside.

A cream for pimples.

Shin wants to cry, but doing so at that moment, in front of Saint, would ruin everything and only give him the impression of being a helpless weakling.

"S-Saint, I-" he can't finish the sentence before being interrupted by the boy.

"You would have bought one tomorrow, right? I anticipated you." Saint replies.

Shin looks him in the eyes, trying to read him as only he knew how, and what he saw was not indifference. That answer had something different from his usual responses, it seemed like an improvised excuse on the spot, to mask his care for Shin.

"Thank you, you've made me really happy." Shin replies, looking into Saint's eyes with a soft smile.

"For a stupid cream?" he asks, this time in his usual detached way.

"It doesn't matter, for me it's not a stupid cream at all." he concludes.

At that point they head towards a noodle stall nearby and each get a bowl, then they sit on a low wall and contemplate the river flowing in front of them.

That evening, Shin felt happier than ever after a long time. He didn't know how to explain it in words, but that simple gesture from Saint had completely changed his evening, making him feel a sense of peace and tranquility deep in his heart.

He knew he wouldn't easily forget that gesture and that evening. What he didn't know was that it would be the calm before the storm.

Chapter Text

A week has passed since their alternative evening.
Their days have passed monotonously, but always in each other's company.
Shin's pimple has almost disappeared after using the cream Saint had bought him. 
Saint has continued to behave as usual, always distant and cold except in their most intimate moments, when he granted him a little more warmth and closeness. 
Shin was trying to understand Saint's behavior regarding the whole situation, but the more he tried, the more he couldn't find an answer. 
He thought he knew him better than anyone else, but for the past year, since the beginning of that agreement, he simply couldn't understand why he had certain attitudes. 
He acted distant most of the time, and even though he initially thought it would be a problem, he still decided to accept Shin's proposal and become friends with benefits.
He said he wasn't gay, yet he had no problem kissing him and having sex with him. 
He said he didn't reciprocate his feelings, but in the past, he had told him he was the only important person in his life. 
He said he wasn't attracted to him, yet that evening a year ago he made love to him after he confessed his feelings while drunk. 
When he's alone, he thinks about it more than he should, and always ends up crying because the only thing he wants back is the old Saint, the Saint who worried about him, the sweet one, whom he always scolded for the puppy-dog look he gave him every time.
He should have gotten used to it, after a year, but the truth is he pretended he had. 
The truth is that he was a little bit tired. He wanted to talk to Saint about it, but he didn't dare bring up the topic because he feared Saint would end up pushing him away, running away, just as he had done in previous years. 
He didn't want to lose him, and he would do anything to keep him close.

It's Monday, their day off from work. It's almost evening, the sun has set and at that moment, Shin was naked, on top of Saint.

"Saint..." he gasped with a choked voice, while his best friend pushed inside him.

Shin leaned towards him and placed a hand on his neck, then looked him in the eyes and stole a passionate kiss on his lips, with tongue. 
Saint, meanwhile, continued to keep his large hands firmly on his hips, which he occasionally caressed, while continuing to hit his most sensitive spot decisively.

Suddenly, Shin's phone, a short distance from them, starts ringing. Saint stops for a moment.

Shin glances over and realizes it's Tew.

"Let it ring." Saint adds, placing a hand on Shin's cheek to make him look back at him.

Shin nods and refocuses on Saint, placing his lips on his again and gripping his hair with both hands.

"Shin..." Saint pants as he pushes hard inside him.

Shin loves when Saint moans his name every time they have sex, in some way convincing himself he was his.

However, after a few seconds, Shin's phone starts ringing again. Shin rolls his eyes, annoyed. He asks Saint to reach out and get him the phone.

"What do you want?" Shin says to Tew as soon as he answers the phone. He puts it on speaker so Saint can hear too.

Meanwhile, Saint gives him a mischievous smile and a little push. Shin glares at him and raises a hand as if to tell him to stop, but Saint doesn't listen and continues to move inside him. Even if he does it slowly, Shin has to hold back from gasping.

"Did I disturb you?" his friend asks him.

"N-No, has something s-serious happened?" Shin stutters.

"Are you okay? Why are you talking like that?" Tew asks him.

Shin mouths to Saint to stop, but he chuckles in response and doesn't stop what he's doing.

"I-I'm fine, just tell me why you called me." Shin asks him, holding back a moan.

"Are you and Saint free tonight to go out? We were thinking of going for a drink at some club. Around nine." Tew proposes to him.

Shin looks at the clock and realizes it's almost seven.

Saint then stops for a moment and nods when Shin looks at him for confirmation.

"Okay, why don't you call Saint yourself instead? I don't know if he wants to come, why do you only call me for both of us?" Shin asks him, looking at Saint with a challenging gaze.

"Well, you could say you're living together now and spend most of your time together so I only called you. I'm sure if you come, he'll come too." Tew replies.

Shin rolls his eyes, he thought he had bothered Saint, but instead Tew had indirectly indulged him.

"Alright, see you later then, bye." Shin doesn't even have time to hear Tew's answer before he hangs up.

He throws the phone to the empty side of the bed and goes back to kissing Saint's lips. When they both reach orgasm, Saint pulls out of Shin and throws the condom in the bin in the room.

"Saint." Shin calls out to him before he can get up and go to the bathroom.

"What is it?" Saint asks him, in a low voice.

"Can I hug you?" Shin asks him.

He sees Saint clench his fists.

"I read online that friends with benefits do that after having sex." Shin adds, trying to improve the situation.

Saint doesn't reply and leaves, probably towards the bathroom.

Shin curls up on the bed, wrapping his arms around his knees and lowering his head.

He can't do anything to try and improve the situation. Saint had told him that no one outside of them two should know about their agreement, so Shin couldn't even confide in his best friends and get advice, he didn't want to lie to Saint.

After a few minutes he gets out of bed, he wanted to take a warm shower and relax to try and clear his mind and not overthink. He's about to head to the downstairs bathroom, since Saint must have occupied the other one.

However, when he passes by the bathroom on that floor and sees the door slightly ajar, he approaches to see what Saint was doing.

The moment he glances inside, he freezes on the spot at the scene he sees.

Saint had just slapped himself while looking in the mirror. Moreover, Shin realizes a tear is tracing down his face.

Why is he doing this? What's wrong with him? Has something happened to him and he hasn't told him? Why did he hit himself? Why was he crying?

Shin would have loved to throw open the bathroom door and get an explanation for why he had made such a gesture, he would have wanted to hug him to tell him that everything would be alright, but he doesn't, because he knew Saint would close himself off even more and would end up being even more distant from him.

He immediately heads to the downstairs bathroom and starts taking a warm shower. He can do nothing but rethink the scene he had seen a few minutes earlier. If he thought he would relax by taking a warm bath, he was wrong, he ended up overthinking even more.

When he gets out, he puts on his underwear, but remembers he hasn't brought clothes to wear, so he goes back upstairs wearing only his boxers and a tank top.

He enters his room and finds Saint about to get dressed, as he had opened the wardrobe they shared.

Shin walks to his side, looks at Saint, and it seems as if nothing has happened. Saint notices Shin's gaze on him, so he turns and says:

"What's wrong? Do I have something on my face?"

"No, your face is okay." Shin simply replies to him.

"Then why are you looking at me like that?" Saint adds again.

"How am I looking at you?" Shin retorts.

"Like you're worried about something." Saint replies.

Shin swallows. It almost frightens him how well Saint knows him.

"I was just thinking, there's nothing to worry about." Shin adds.

At that point, after both of them were ready, both dressed mostly in black, they go outside and get on the motorcycle. This time Shin doesn't hold him tight and Saint doesn't even suggest it.

After about half an hour they arrive at the place Tew had sent Shin via message, the traffic was quite heavy which is why it took them a bit longer than usual. When they arrive they notice Tew, Chadjen, Nate, Knot, and Ken waiting for them.

"Here's our little couple." Nate jokes.

"Stop it." Saint immediately scolds him, coldly, as was his custom.

Shin says nothing.

Saint couldn't stand it anymore when his friends made jokes about the two of them, unlike when they were at school, and he laughed at them too. Shin didn't understand why. Had he started to resent being associated with him as anything more than a friend?

"Shall we go in?" Ken proposes.

The others nod so they enter the club. It was a mix between a bar and a disco. It sold food but also alcoholic beverages. In the innermost part of the venue, there was a luminous disco ball hanging from the ceiling that opened the doors to the dance floor. Around it were tables and small sofas where one could sit.

The boys opt for a round table. They sit in a circle close to each other and wait for a waiter to come take their drink orders. Meanwhile, they take off their jackets. Shin looks around, the place they are in is not one of his favorites. In general, he wasn't a fan of nightclubs; he only went out if his friends invited him, like that evening.

"So, what's new? It's been a while since we've seen each other." Nate asks, addressing all his friends.

"I have news." Tew announces.

"Come on, tell us everything." Ken encourages him.

"Actually, Chadjen and Shin already know, well, because they are my best friends but I think it's fair to tell you too." Tew continues.

"Come on, spill the beans." Knot adds.

"I’m in a relationship." he says in one breath, spreading his arms.

"Wowww our Tew is in a relationship." the twins say in unison.

"What's she like?" Ken asks.

"Is she dark-haired, tall, and with doe eyes?" Saint interjects for the first time in the conversation, letting out a laugh that makes the whole group laugh, except Chadjen and Shin.

"Actually, it's a boy." he says, without thinking too much.

The others fall silent for a moment and look at each other.

"A boy? Since when are you interested in boys?" Saint asks him, shocked.

Shin senses him tense up from the whole conversation.

"I think always, but I actually realized it a few months ago." Tew replies.

Saint nods, and returns to silence.

"You've had a boyfriend for a few months and you're only telling us now?" Ken asks.

"I was afraid of your reaction, that's why I waited. Let's say Shin and Chadjen encouraged me to talk to you about it." Tew adds.

"They're your best friends after all, well, not that I'm surprised about Shin." Knot gives him a mischievous smile.

"What do you mean?" Shin chuckles.

"That you knew how to give him advice on how to talk to us about it. You two aren't so different." Knot points to both of them.

Shin perfectly understands what he means, he also laughs and nods. He's happy that his friends accept his sexuality, and Tew's too. The only one who seems reluctant is Saint.

After a while, a waiter arrives and takes their cocktail orders.

"Isn't your boyfriend jealous if you come to a nightclub?" Nate asks him.

"Of course not, if he were bothered by something like that, I wouldn't even be with him. He's not a toxic person at all, quite the opposite." Tew adds.

"What's his name?" Knot asks.

"Thame." Tew replies with a smile.

"Wait, did you say Thame? The one from the famous band MARS?" Ken asks him.

"That's him, but ours is a secret relationship so don't tell anyone." Tew whispers.

"How did you meet?" Nate continues.

"I auditioned to become their photographer and I got the job. Initially, we didn't get along very well, but getting to know each other, we realized we were compatible." he replies with lovesick eyes.

"Who would've thought someone like Tew would talk about someone with heart eyes?" Chadjen exclaims.

Everyone laughs, except Saint.

"Saint, what's wrong?" Chadjen asks him.

"Nothing, don't worry Chadjen." he gives him a smile, which Shin recognizes perfectly as false.

After a while their cocktails arrive, they start sipping them and talking about this and that. Saint still seems tense, for whatever reason, so Shin, from under the table, touches his knee and makes him turn towards him.

"Are you okay?" he whispers in his ear.

The music was starting to get louder and the dance floor was filling up.

Saint nods and continues to drink his drink, Shin does the same. He's not convinced, Saint has something wrong and it's evident.

"Hey you." a slim, dark-haired girl with impeccable makeup approaches Saint in a second moment.

"Hey." he smiles at her.

Is he flirting?

"Want to dance?" she asks with a mischievous smile.

"With pleasure." he replies, grabbing her hand and dragging her onto the dance floor.

Shin watches the scene with an expression mixed between sad and shocked.

He finishes his cocktail all at once, feeling his throat burn.

Saint's hands are on the stranger's hips, while hers are clasped around his neck. Saint gives her a dazzling smile he hadn't had moments before.

"Shin." Tew calls him.

"Shin." Tew calls him a second time and shakes him but his best friend seems to be too focused on Saint and the unknown girl.

"What?!" he turns to him, quickly snapping and raising his voice, full of anger, nervousness, fear, and anguish.

"Are you okay?" Tew asks him.

Shin looks away from him because he saw a scene he hoped not to see. Saint's lips pressed with those of a person different from him. He feels his heart break into a thousand pieces, he feels his hands tremble and tears threatening to fall from his eyes, which have now blurred.

When he sees them walk away from the dance floor, Shin gets up from the table without adding anything else and rushes out of the club to get some fresh air. Not far from the entrance there's a bench. He sits there and lights a cigarette. He had promised Saint he would stop smoking, he was working hard to keep that promise, he was succeeding, but that evening he ended up giving in. That evening, smoking a cigarette was his only way to calm down.

He starts crying without realizing it, he becomes aware of it when Tew and Chadjen reach him outside and point it out to him, a few minutes later. He throws the cigarette to the ground.
Both sit on the bench and hug him.

"Why?" he sniffs.

"W-Why me?" he continues, with a trembling voice.

"Shin please don't cry, we're here with you." Chadjen tries to reassure him.

"Why can't it be me? Why for once can't I be the happy one?" he yells at Tew.

Tew hugs him and strokes his back.

"W-Why does even a stranger have everything I've always wanted?" he adds, sobbing.

"I hate it. I hate these feelings and I hate myself for not being enough." he retorts, continuing to cry in the arms of his best friends.

"Don't say that Shin, please." Chadjen replies to him.

"I just want all this pain to end." he vents again, looking at both his friends, who must surely be pitying him.

Tew looks him in the eyes, worried, because he knew how much Shin loved an idiot like Saint.

"I'm so tired, Tew." he confesses with a gasping breath.

The two boys continue to hug him tightly until Shin calms down.

"I want to go home, please take me home." he says after several minutes to his best friends.

Tew doesn't think twice. He texts Ken and the twins to inform them of the situation, immediately after, he has Shin and Chadjen follow him to his car. The boy starts the engine and begins to make his way towards Shin's house.

"I have something to confess." Shin says, from the back seat.

"What?" Chadjen asks.

Shin shouldn't have said it but he had reached his limit and couldn't keep it inside anymore, it hurt too much to carry such a burden alone.

"Saint and I became friends with benefits." he replies.

"WHAT?!" Tew and Chadjen reply in unison.

"I was the one who proposed it to him." the boy adds, sniffing.

"Why the hell did you do something like that?!" Tew asks him.

"Last year, on November first, when we were at Cable's party, I confessed my feelings to him." Shin had also kept that part hidden from them.

"I was drunk and I didn't do it voluntarily, plus after the party, that evening we made love for the first time." he says.

Chadjen and Tew are shocked, to say the least, by those revelations.

"I was drunk but my body remembers all the sensations I felt, it was beautiful. But..." he swallows.

"Saint told me it was a mistake, from that evening he started behaving coldly towards me. He avoided all physical contact and stopped saying those sweet phrases he used to tell me when we were in high school." he continues.

"So, I decided to propose this agreement to him because I wanted to have the chance to kiss him and be close to him." Shin adds, tears threatening to fall again.

"He continued to behave in a detached way with me, with the only difference that every time we have sex, he looks at me as if I were his most precious treasure." he concludes.

"I'll kill him. I swear I'll kill him with my own hands." Tew replies, his hands firmly gripping the steering wheel.

"You won't do anything, Tew. I'm the one who chose this. But..." Shin pauses.

"But what?" this time Chadjen replies.

"He kissed another person, and that's not what we agreed on. He had told me that if he fell in love with someone he would have the chance to cancel the agreement. I granted him that, but tonight he decided to kiss a stranger and break my heart." he replies.

"I had warned him, I told him that if he made you suffer again, he'd have to deal with me. Shin, this time I-" Tew doesn't finish the sentence because he's interrupted by Shin.

"Please, don't make any reckless moves. I just want to be able to count on you both, you don't have to take it out on him. I'll deal with that." Shin replies.

When they arrive at his house, Tew and Chadjen offer to stay with him, but Shin tells them he wants to be alone. They both understand his decision and leave him be.

Once inside the house, he heads towards his room upstairs. He opens the door and goes to the chest of drawers where several photos they took together are placed, including one of his first football match and one taken during high school recess, shortly after they had made up. 

He looks at them with an angry and melancholic gaze and starts throwing them at the wardrobe. He hears the pieces of the glass frames break.

"Fuck Saint!" he says to himself as he starts crying again.

He also takes the photos on the two nightstands near the bed, both taken on graduation day.

He grabs them and throws them against the wall, shattering those glass frames into a thousand pieces too.

"Why do you have to be so heartless and unempathetic, huh?" he shouts in the room, alone, to vent.

"I thought you cared about me at least a little, but you never gave a damn!" he stomps on one of the last photos he threw.

Shin was a mixture of anger and sadness at that moment, he felt that later he would regret what he had done, but at the same time, he couldn't help it.

When he had vented enough, he sits on the floor, in a corner, where the glass hasn't reached. He pulls his knees up, wraps his arms around them, and lowers his head.

He stays there for about half an hour, looking around, his eyes red from crying. Suddenly he hears the door open and someone hurrying up the stairs.

"Shin!" Saint's voice reaches his ears.

When he sees Saint open the door, Shin can read an expression of fear and shock on his face. He watches him look around the room, notices all the pieces of glass on the floor, and even runs his hands through his hair. He then realizes Shin is crouched on the floor.

"Shin! What have you done? Did you hurt yourself with the glass?" Saint asks him, with a worried look and the labored breathing.

"The glass? It could never hurt me more than you hurt me every day." he replies, standing up.

"Tew called me, listen Shin-" Saint tries to talk to him but Shin doesn't listen and moves to go downstairs.

"Shin, damn it, listen to me!" Saint raises his voice once he reaches him.

Shin turns to him and replies: "No, Saint! You listen to me. I'm tired, tired of your mood swings, of your changes in attitude towards me. I'm tired of never being enough for you, tired of being treated like that, I'm tired of everything!" he yells at him. Shin starts crying again, he can't help it, when he gets angry he cries from nervousness and can't control it.

"You were the one who proposed being friends with benefits, don't put all the blame on me! You knew from the start that I couldn't give you what you wanted but you still wanted to overdo it!"

"You were the one who accepted, now it's my fault?" Shin retorts.

"I felt sorry for you!" Saint replies.

Shin feels his hands start to tremble, his breathing gets heavier, his heart clenches.

"You felt sorry for me? Really? You felt sorry for me even while you were fucking me and gasping my name? Even when you looked at me as if I were the most precious thing in your life to protect at all costs? Did I make you feel sorry even when you took my virginity?" he says, panting, while sobbing.

"Stop it, Shin." Saint simply replied to him.

"And the stranger tonight? Did you fuck her with the same look you give me when you fuck me? Did you like it?" Shin continues.

"Enough! We didn't fuck, stop it right now!" Saint retorts.

"But you kissed her! You kissed her and you did it in front of my eyes!" Shin raises his voice, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt.

He looks him in the eyes, and can notice they are glistening, about to shed tears.

"It was a mistake." Saint simply replies, with a trembling voice.

That cursed phrase.

Shin turns to him with a hysterical laugh: "You and your fucking mistakes..." he pauses.

"You know what my biggest mistake was? Falling in love with a jerk like you." Shin concludes, letting him go and pushing him.

A tear rolls down Saint's face.

At that point, the boy leaves the house, slamming the door, and rides away on his motorcycle, far from Shin. Shin, slides to his knees on the floor, and lies there, closing his eyes, hoping all that pain will vanish. Shin thought he'd stopped being angry with Saint, that things would finally work out. But that didn't happen; Shin exploded, after a year of enduring and trying to understand those behaviors.

The only sound accompanying him that night is the rain hitting his windows.

Chapter Text

Shin wakes up to the uninterrupted sound of his cell phone ringing. An annoying noise, which seems to cut his head in two. He gets up from the floor and sits down, dazed.

The phone screen flashes.

There were several missed calls from Saint.

Now Tew is calling him.

With trembling hands, he answers. 

"Tew, what's wrong?" he murmurs, his voice thick, his throat dry. 

On the other end, there's no answer. Only a broken breath. 

"Tew? What's wrong?" Shin insists, a lump already in his throat. 

"S-Saint... he's—" Tew's voice breaks into sobs.

Shin's heart stops. A sharp pain rips through his chest. Saint's missed calls... no, no, it can't be. 

"What happened to Saint?! Tew, answer me, please!" he screams, his voice trembling. 

"He's in the hospital... he's very serious." 

The world tilts. Shin's head spins wildly, the walls seem to close in on him. His legs can no longer hold him, he falls to his knees. Tears stream uncontrollably. 

It's my fault. All my fault.

Tew reaches him shortly after, finding him with a lost look, his hands in his hair, unable to breathe. He forcefully lifts him, makes him move, and together they run out to reach the hospital. 

"How did it happen?" Shin stammers during the journey, clutching the seat with his nails. 

"I don't know, Shin. We'll find out there." 

"It's my fault, Tew. I shouldn't have yelled at him, I shouldn't have... if I hadn't made him leave, now he wouldn't be—" his voice breaks. 

"Stop, Shin! It's not your fault!" Tew looks at him with teary eyes. "You couldn't have known." 

But those words slide away like the rain beating on Tew's car windows. Nothing can erase the burden weighing on his chest. 

When they arrive at the hospital, the waiting room is lit by cold with merciless lights. The smell of disinfectant fills the air. Shin sees all their friends and Saint's dad with faces etched with fear. 

As soon as he sees him, Saint's father hugs him tightly. "I'm sorry... it's my fault. I'm sorry, I don't know what to do." Shin sobs, his face buried in his shoulder. 

"Saint wouldn't want to hear you talk like that. He... he wanted you strong, Shin." the man replies, his voice broken. 

Time passes incredibly slowly. The ticking of the clock on the wall is deafening, like a hammer on a skull. Every time the operating room door opens, Shin jumps to his feet with his heart in his throat, but each time it's not for him.

"Can you explain what happened?" Shin asks, after several moments of silence. He wants to understand what happened.

"Saint exceeded the speed limit and ended up crashing off the road." Ken replies. 

Saint never exceeded the speed limit, not even when he was alone, because he was aware of the danger. Shin feels more and more guilty, he just wants to disappear or wake up from that nightmare once and for all.

Then, finally, after a long wait, the doctor comes out. His uniform is stained, his face tired. Everyone stands up, holding their breath. 

"We did everything possible..." he begins in a grave voice. 

Shin's eyes fill with tears even before he hears the rest. "...but he didn't make it." 

The world goes dark. Shin only hears a ringing in his ears, as if he had fallen underwater. He can no longer see anything, only the doctor's lips that continue to move senselessly. Those words echo in Shin's head like a gunshot. There are no sounds, no faces, nothing left around. Only that verdict, etched like a brand. 

His breath catches in his throat, his eyes widen and remain fixed on the doctor without really seeing him. A sharp ringing insinuates itself into his ears, growing louder and louder, until it covers the sobs of the others. 

It's not true. It's not possible. It can't have really happened. 

His heart pounds frantically, but at the same time seems to stop. His legs give way, his body bends forward and his hands cannot grasp anything. 

"Shin!" Tew shouts, just in time to catch him before he hits his head on the floor. 

His friends rush over, some shouting his name, others trying to shake him. Saint's dad, his eyes swollen with tears, places a hand on his shoulder. 

Shin's body is limp, inert, his face wet with tears. For an instant he seems dead too, as if the news had torn his soul away. 

A nurse rushes over and checks his pulse. "He's fainting from shock, take him to the observation room." 

Tew holds him tight, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Shin..."

Shin wakes up a few minutes later in a side room of the hospital. The acrid smell of disinfectant hits him again. His heart pounds in his throat, as if he had been running for hours. He pulls himself up with difficulty, his throat dry and his chest aching.

For a moment he thinks it was all a nightmare. That, opening the door, he will find Saint sitting waiting for him with his usual annoyed look. 

But outside the room, through the glass, he sees his friends hugging and crying, except for Tew and Chadjen who are in the room with him. He sees Saint's dad with an empty gaze, a hand covering his face. 

And then he understands. Reality hits him violently, even harder than before. 

A scream escapes his throat, a scream that rips through the silence of the corridors. A scream that seems to have no end. 

Tew and Chadjen hold him tight, then he asks them to accompany him to Saint. 

He wants to see him, he wants to look at his face one last time.

He leaves the room and his friends come to meet him. Saint's father is devastated, but in the end it is he who accompanies him to the room where Saint is, his best friend, the person he loves most in the world, the person he never thought he would leave so soon. 

The corridor seems endless, every step a blow to the heart. There, in that room on a stretcher, is a body covered by a white sheet.

Shin approaches slowly, as if time were dragging him against his will. With trembling hands, he lifts the sheet. Saint's face appears pale, still, cold. The lips that once smiled are now closed forever. 

"Saint... please, don't do this. It's a joke, right? You'll wake up soon, like you always do..." his voice trembles. He bends over him, clutching him to his chest, crying like he never has in his life. 

"Why did you leave me like this? Why, Saint? You had no right to leave without me." he says to him.

He caresses him, as if he could bring him back with a touch, then leaves a kiss on his cold forehead, as if he could somehow feel it. 

He cannot pull away, until a nurse, gently, convinces him to let go.

***

On the day of the funeral, Bangkok seems like another city. The sky is covered with dense, heavy clouds, colored a grey that leaves no way for hope. The air is still, suffocating, and Shin feels as if even time has decided to stop to mourn Saint. 

The ceremony takes place in a Buddhist temple on the outskirts of the city. The white lanterns sway gently, moved by a light wind that seems to carry a silent pain. The smell of burning incense invades the air, pungent and sweet at the same time, mingling with the scent of the flowers covering the coffin: lilies, chrysanthemums, white orchids. 

Shin does not remember how he got there. He does not remember who helped him dress, nor how he found the strength to take one step after another. All he knows is that he is now sitting in the front row, directly in front of the closed coffin, unable to tear his gaze away from it.

He wears a black shirt that feels too tight, as if he were about to suffocate at any moment. His hands tremble incessantly and clench together, in a futile attempt to control the despair that devours him from within.

His friends are there beside him. Tew places a hand on his shoulder, but Shin barely notices. Every time someone pronounces Saint's name, a shiver runs through him. 
The monk recites the sutras, his calm and solemn voice filling the room. But for Shin, it is just a distant, muffled noise. His world is focused on that polished wooden rectangle, which contains everything he has ever loved.

When the time for the last farewell arrives, everyone stands in silence. One by one, relatives, friends, and colleagues place wreaths and flowers at the foot of the coffin. Many cry in silence, others sob openly.

Shin waits, motionless, until he is the last one. His legs feel like stone, but he finds the strength to stand up. He walks slowly towards the coffin, each step a heavy weight.

In his pocket he holds a crumpled photo: the first photo they took after their reconciliation, one of the framed photos at his house, one of the photos he had thrown out of anger and whose glass he had broken. It is the only memory he did not have the courage to leave at home. He places it gently on the polished wood, stroking it as if he could touch Saint through it. 

His lips tremble as he whispers words no one can hear: "I love you, Saint. And I will always love you, despite everything, because you are and always will be my safe place." 

A tear slips onto the wood, falling beside the photo. Then, the sound Shin feared more than any other fills the room: the coffin lid closing, slowly, with a dull thud. It is a sound that tears his chest, that makes his knees buckle.

Tew supports him, while he continues to stare at that box that takes everything away.

The coffin is lifted and carried outside, accompanied by the chants of the monks and the subdued weeping of the crowd. The procession moves slowly, and Shin follows, dragged more by pain than by his feet.

Outside, the sky finally opens and it begins to rain. A thin but constant rain, wetting everyone present. Shin does not take cover. He remains there, under the water, his eyes fixed on the coffin disappearing into the crematorium oven.

When the flames are lit and the smoke begins to rise to the sky, Shin feels that a part of himself leaves with them. A pain so great it seems physical, an emptiness that swallows him from within. 

"Goodbye, Saint..." he whispers to himself, his voice broken. 

Then silence. All he hears is the rain and the irregular beating of his heart that refuses to accept the truth. 

After the funeral is over, Shin returns to his house, or rather, to their house. He cannot remember precisely how he got back, he seems totally detached from reality, as if he does not realize what is happening, as if he is stuck in some kind of endless loop, tormenting him until he loses his mind.

The door closes behind him with a dull thud. Absolute silence envelops him. 

It is the first time he has entered there without Saint; after the night in the hospital, he hadn't been able to, so he had asked Chadjen to stay with him.
That house, which once bore the weight of being his family's home, lost when he was young, now bore an additional weight. And if before he had managed to overcome grief, together with Saint, who had now settled there, at that moment, overcoming Saint's absence seemed impossible to do.

Suddenly, everything seems different. The air is heavier, the environment colder. He takes off his shoes mechanically, but remains still in the entrance, unable to take a step.

His eyes fall on their kitchen: Saint who prepared food for him every day because he was hopeless, Shin who tried to learn but always ended up burning everything. Not to mention the numerous times he had hugged him from behind, while he was cooking in his blue apron, when their relationship was still intact and Shin kept his feelings to himself. 

The living room is a mosaic of memories. On the sofa, Saint's favorite crumpled cushion: Saint always sat there, with his legs outstretched and his gaze fixed on the TV. On the cabinet, the controller of the console he used most, still with the wire badly coiled. Every detail is a punch to Shin's stomach.

Shin falls to his knees in front of the sofa and buries his face in the cushion. Saint's scent is still there, mingled with the smell of his shampoo.

Shin inhales deeply, as if he could fill his lungs with him, as if that scent were the only thing keeping him alive.

Tears begin to fall, warm and uncontrollable. "Why did you leave me? Why now?" he whispers, his voice broken.

He walks with difficulty towards the stairs, to reach their bedroom. Every step is a heavy weight. He opens the wardrobe and remains motionless: half of it is still full of Saint's clothes. Colorful shirts, worn jeans, the leather jacket he loved to wear on his motorbike. Shin touches it with his fingers, then takes it and holds it tightly against himself. 

He slides onto the bed, curled up, his face buried in the fabric that still smells of him. "I hate you, Saint, I hate you because you left me alone. I hate you because now I don't know how to live without you anymore. And most of all, I hate myself because I wasn't able to protect you." The words come out through his sobs, but he cannot stop.

Night falls slowly, and with it comes an even heavier silence. Shin turns on the TV, just to not hear the emptiness, but he cannot watch anything. The images scroll senselessly. 

He lies down on the bed, on the side he always occupied. Saint's side is empty, cold. Shin reaches out his hand, searching for that warmth that is no longer there. Tears begin to fall silently again.

"Are you here, right?" he whispers in the dark. "You're still here with me, even if I can't see you."

He closes his eyes, and for a moment, just a moment, he feels a weight beside him, as if Saint had returned to lie down beside him. It's just an illusion, a cruel trick of his mind. But Shin clings to that feeling, because it's the only thing that keeps him going. 

When sunrise breaks, he realizes he hasn't slept a single minute. 
The sky slowly brightens, and Shin is still there, his eyes red and his body exhausted.
He looks at the room, his clothes, the unmade bed, every memory screaming his absence.

And for the first time, he realizes that this isn't home anymore.
It's a prison of memories, where every breath is a reminder of him.

But Shin doesn't want to leave.
Because leaving that house would mean admitting that Saint will never return.
And he's not ready to do that yet.

Chapter Text

6 months later

Six months. Almost half a year had passed since Shin's life broke in half.
Six months that sometimes felt like an eternity, other times like the blink of an eye.
Six months since he had shut himself off.
Six months since he felt like a failure, with no chance of a bright future ahead.
Six months since, once again, someone important had been taken from him. Having lost his parents, accepted their death, and then lost the person he loved most in his life, had been a hard blow from which he would not easily recover. 

Shin's days always flowed in the same way, everything was monotonous, there were no novelties in his routine, no moments of particular joy, he felt empty every day that passed and there was nothing that seemed capable of filling that void and that pain. Shin was a strong person, he always had been, he had already had to become one when he was very young, but sometimes, in fact, very often, he felt he was no longer strong.
Every time he tried to look at himself in the mirror he felt disgust for himself. If before he took care of himself, with Saint's death he had stopped doing that too. He didn't care if he had dark circles under his eyes, or if his skin wasn't glowing.
He was totally uninterested.
For the first few weeks he struggled to eat, he refused to. He had no appetite, all he did was constantly think about that day and how stupid he had been. Tew and all his other friends always stayed close to him, they didn't trust leaving him alone, after seeing the condition he was in, and after seeing him so fragile, as they had never seen him before.
Tew and Chadjen often stayed with him, even at night, to make him not feel alone, to give him some warmth and to show him that they were there and that they would never abandon him.
The others, however, took turns and visited him when he was home.
He worked every day, even if at first he had refused to even go to work. Working kept him busy, it helped him clear his mind and think about other things, even though his dull eyes said more than a thousand words.

His employer and her colleagues had become aware of his loss and since then, they too had started to worry, and had started to stay close to him. During his days at the bar, when Shin saw people entering or leaving with a smile on their face, he began to feel a pit in his stomach. He felt even worse when he saw couples holding hands or exchanging loving glances, because he too would have wanted, even for just an instant, to savor that feeling.
Shin envied people who had someone to love beside them and especially someone who loved them. He wasn't ashamed to admit it, he had always been a straightforward person and had no problems at all.
Even seeing Tew and Thame together, when they all gathered for dinner, caused him a pain in his chest that he couldn't explain in words.
He was happy that his best friend had found someone who would take care of him and love him as he deserved, however, he couldn't help but wonder why not me? Why had no one ever looked at me that way? Why doesn't Saint love me? Why am I not enough? What am I missing?
When he thought about it, all he could do was cry.
When he felt lost, he would close his eyes and imagine Saint walking through the door of their house, telling him he was fine and had never left.
When the days became more complicated, Shin began to hope for a miracle, began to hope that Saint would somehow return to him.
The truth was, Shin, during the first two months without Saint, hadn't actually come to terms with the fact that he was gone and that he would never see him again. Even though he continued to live his usual routine alone, without Saint, in his head, it was as if he had only left for a temporary period and that sooner or later he would see him again.
His friends didn't say anything to him, they just smiled, even when he said nonsensical things like "when is Saint coming back?". Shin felt like a complete idiot. His friends felt sorry for him, he was sure of it, and he was sure they would be better off without him by their side.
They surely saw him as a burden, as a reject of society, as someone who couldn't be saved from himself. 

Two times. 

There were two times when Shin thought about and tried to end his life.
The first time, he only thought about it, but ended up not doing it.
The second time he tried by ingesting an excessive amount of sleeping pills.
It was Tew, one morning, who found him unconscious in his house.
He took him to the hospital, he was in orange code, but the doctors managed to save his life.
He still remembered when he opened his eyes in that hospital room, dazed, but conscious enough to understand that he was still alive.
His friends, who were all present, had hugged him in tears.
Shin had started crying with them, partly because he had made his friends cry, and partly because he hadn't succeeded in his intent.
“What were you thinking, Shin? Don't you think about us?” Eve had told him.
“You’re an idiot, how can you think of getting rid of us so easily, huh?” Tew had added.
“Are you out of your mind? How could you think such a thing?” Ken and the twins had followed.
He had understood that he was important to his friends, they didn't want to lose him, and coming to that realization somewhat relieved him, even if he still felt like a burden.
Three months after Saint's death, Shin had decided to cut his hair. Those long hairs held too many memories that he wanted to erase from his mind, so he decided to return to the cut he had when he was in high school.
In his way of dressing, too, he had decided to change completely.
He had stopped dressing in black, and appearing like a bad boy, and had started wearing colorful clothes, rediscovering an interest in pink that he never thought would interest him.
With the passage of time, he was trying to improve and was also doing so thanks to the help of the psychologist that Chadjen had recommended and who had also followed him in the past.
The first time it hurt, but as he went on, he began to open up more and find comfort in the words of the woman, who never judged him, but listened in silence to his outbursts.

The room was silent, broken only by the low hum of the air conditioning.
The curtains let in soft light, but Shin still felt like he was under a spotlight. Shin was sitting on a gray armchair, with his hands clenched, his thumbs continually rubbing against each other, and an agitation that ran down his spine.

The psychologist, a woman with calm features and a low voice, observed him without haste.
Shin had begun to tell her about Saint, starting from their friendship, how Saint had abandoned him and when he returned, up to recent times, in which things had taken a completely different turn, until the moment of the tragic accident. “Shin.” she said in a neutral tone.
Shin cleared his throat. His eyes were glued to the carpet, as if the answer to everything lay there.
At first he didn't speak. The words bounced inside him like splinters, but they couldn't find their way out. Then, suddenly, they came out.

“It's… my fault.” he said in a hoarse, cracked voice.

The psychologist didn't move a muscle. Just a small nod of her head, as if inviting him to continue.

“He…” a broken breath. “…Saint. He's gone because of me.”

His hands trembled. He clutched his knees tightly, as if he had to hold his own body together.

“We argued. I pushed him away. I said things I should never have said. He left… and then…” He bit his lip until he tasted the metallic flavor of blood. “…then he never came back. Never again.”

Shin couldn't resist, his eyes filled with tears. A sob escaped his lips, sudden, as if it had been held back for too long.

“If I hadn't spoken, if I had stayed silent, if I had endured… he would be alive now.”

The psychologist reached across the table and pushed a box of tissues towards him. Shin grabbed one, but crumpled it without using it. He didn't want to appear fragile, even though he was.

“Shin.” she said calmly.

“Do you truly believe you had the power to decide his life or his death?” the woman asked.

He looked up for the first time, eyes swollen and red. 

“If I hadn't opened that cursed mouth, he wouldn't have gotten on his motorbike. He wouldn't have ridden in the rain. He wouldn't have…” 

He stopped. The memory hit him like a wave: the flashing lights of the ambulance, Tew's tear-streaked face, the doctor's words piercing his head like bullets. He didn't make it.

Shin bent forward, his face in his hands. 

“Every night… I see him die again. I hear him calling me. And I… I can't do anything. I can never save him. It's always my fault. Always.”

The psychologist remained silent. There was no hurry.

When she spoke, she did so softly. 

“Shin, what you're describing is survivor's guilt. It's your mind punishing you, but it's not the truth. You didn't kill Saint.”

Shin shook his head furiously, as if to reject those words. “But if I stop feeling guilty… then what's left for me? What still ties me to him?”

Tears were now streaming uncontrollably. 

“If I don't suffer… it's as if I'm forgetting him. If I start breathing again, it means he no longer matters. And I can't allow that. I can't lose the pain too. It's the only thing that keeps me close to him.”

His chest heaved in spasms, as if the air were glass.

The psychologist looked at him with a gaze that did not judge, but had no pity. “To love does not mean to condemn yourself, Shin. Saint doesn't live in you through suffering. He lives in your memories, in what he left you, in the way he changed you.”

Shin lowered his gaze, clutching the now damp tissue in his fingers. “But I don't know who I am without him anymore. I don't know - how to exist without him by my side.”

“That's why you're here.” she replied.

“To learn to live without destroying the part of you that still loves him. You won't forget him, Shin. But you have to stop punishing yourself, or his memory will remain just a prison.” she clarified.

Shin slumped back against the armchair, exhausted, his face wet with tears. For the first time, he was no longer alone with his guilt. 

For the first time, someone had told him that he could love Saint without condemning himself to die with him. 

***

That day, Shin was at the bar, serving tables as usual.
There were more people than usual, both at the counter and at the tables inside and out, the sun was beating down hard on the city and he was already tired even though he had only been working for a few hours.

He was about to go out to bring a tray of food outside, when he heard the bar bell and bumped into someone before he could realize it. 

He looked up to apologize but when he did, he froze on the spot.
It all happened in an instant and his breath caught in his throat. His heart gave a violent leap, as if someone had hit him in the chest.

He had such familiar features that for an instant he thought he was dreaming. Those eyes, the way he walked, even the hint of a smile on his lips, that boy looked like Saint. He was aesthetically identical to him, but he had a different light. That resemblance was enough to make him freeze on the spot.

The boy approached the counter, oblivious to the commotion he was causing, while Shin remained by the door, unable to move.
The world around him seemed to have stopped for a moment.
The chatter of customers was muffled, the sound of the coffee machine distant, time seemed suspended.

He only then realized that he was still holding the tray in his hands, so tightly that he risked breaking it or dropping it and making a mess.
He lowered his gaze to catch his breath, but his heart kept pounding in his ears.
He gathered his strength and opened the door to go and serve the table that was assigned to him.

What had just happened? And who was that boy?

Chapter Text

Shin re-enters the bar, still shaken by what had happened a few moments before. He realizes that the boy identical to Saint has sat down at one of the tables inside the bar and is busy using his tablet. 
Shin truly feels like he's going crazy; he wanted to find answers to all his questions, but it seemed impossible to even form a coherent thought. 

His thoughts are interrupted by Khun Nipa, his boss, who tells him to go serve that boy's table. 
With a trembling tray, carrying a slice of berry cake and a coffee, Shin heads toward the table, but, just as he's about to arrive, the boy stands up and Shin, caught up in his agitation, spills the coffee on him.

"I'm sorry!" he says immediately, placing the tray on the table to avoid making a mess with the cake too. 

"First day on the job, Shin?” the boy asks, with a smile, as he reads the name tag on his apron. 

Shin doesn't know what to say, especially after noticing that his voice is very similar to Saint's, perhaps a little more mature. 
He freezes because even the way the boy smiles reminds him of Saint.
 
When he sees a hand waving in front of his face, he realizes he has been silent and motionless for too long.

“I’ll make you another coffee.” Shin adds. 

When he takes the tray from the table, he notices the name on the boy's tablet case and discovers his name is Sky. 

Shin goes back behind the counter and tries to stay as far away from that person as possible. He can't concentrate on his work, he can't believe what he just saw. 
For months he had been fighting to get used to Saint's absence, for months he had been trying in every way to accept that Saint would never come back to him, he was seeing a psychologist once a week for this reason. 
And now, someone with his same appearance had shown up at the bar where he worked, turning his day upside down? 
How could he remain calm knowing that a boy identical to his Saint was right there? 
He couldn't. 
In fact, after making him another coffee, he hands it to a colleague and asks her if she can take it to his table. 
He takes a moment to go to their private staff bathroom and splash some water on his face. 
As he is about to do so, he looks in the mirror and realizes his eyes are glossy and seem to be on the verge of tears. 
There are moments when he doesn't even notice he's about to cry. 
He takes a deep breath and lets the air out of his lungs. 
After that, he splashes his face, hoping the cool water can wipe away the uneasy expression on his face. 

When he comes out of the bathroom and returns to the counter, he finds Sky waiting to pay for his coffee.
Shin is the only one there at the moment, so it's up to him to take care of Sky. When he gives him the receipt and tells him the amount to pay, Sky hands him a banknote and Shin immediately gives him the change. 

"Have a good day." the boy says with a smile, before disappearing through the entrance door. 

"T-Thanks." Shin replies, his voice trembling slightly. 

Now that Sky is gone, Shin tries to focus more and have a less distracted attitude. 
He spends the day serving customers, couples, cleaning tables, and washing cups and spoons. 
His routine was always the same; sometimes it didn't bother him, other times he felt very lonely. 
He liked being alone, but feeling lonely hurt. 
Feeling lonely even in the middle of a crowd hurt a lot. 
Besides going out with his friends from time to time, he did nothing but work and take care of his house. 
Every day, when he entered and left his house, he would glance at the photo of Saint he had on his living room cabinet; sometimes he would even talk to it. 

"I had a boring day today, but something really absurd happened, you know?" he said to it that evening, after the encounter with his look-alike. 

"I met a boy who looks exactly like you, isn't that absurd?" he added. 

"He seems very cheerful and sociable, I don't think you have the same personality even if you look identical." he continues talking to the photo.

"It would be nice if it were you, but I know it's not and I can't do anything about it." Shin lets out a bitter laugh as he says those words. 

"I hope you're having a good evening." he touches the photo one last time and stands up when he hears his doorbell ring. 

He had invited Chadjen and Tew for dinner, not only because he wanted to spend the evening with them, but especially to tell them what had happened that day. 

"Pizza tonight!" Chadjen exclaims when Shin opens the door. 

"You bought pizza?" Shin asks, in disbelief. 

"It was my idea, we haven't had it in a long time." Tew replies. 

"You had a good idea, for once." Shin teases him, and Tew gives him a light slap on the back of the neck in return. 

They begin to enjoy their pizzas, completely different from one another. In fact, Shin has a red one with spicy salami, Chadjen's is a white pizza with onions and shrimp, while Tew's is also white but with mixed vegetables. 

"So, how was your day?" Shin asks. 

"I spent the day taking photos and editing, we're promoting the MARS concert that's happening in two weeks." Tew replies.

"They're having a concert in two weeks? I didn't know anything about it." Shin adds. 

"All the information will be released tomorrow. It's actually an outdoor concert organized in collaboration with an association. People who want to attend the event will have to pay a small fee that will then be donated to charity." Tew replies. 

"What a great idea. I'd love to go." Shin replies. 

"Of course, you're all invited. I'll be there for work, but we can all meet up later." Tew explains. 

Shin and Chadjen nod. Immediately after, Chadjen talks about his day, mentioning the online course he's taking to become a social media manager. 

"What about you? From the look on your face, it seems like you have something to tell us." Tew looks at him intently. 
"Something very strange happened today." Shin replies, before taking a bite of his pizza. 

"Like what?" Chadjen asks. 

"I saw Saint." Shin says. 

"Are you still delusional? It's impossible that you saw Saint." Tew adds.

"Let me explain better: a boy identical to Saint came to the bar today, at least physically. But he seems more cheerful than Saint." Shin explains. 

"How identical?" Chadjen asks him. 

"Identical, even the voice is almost the same, just his seems more mature." Shin replies. 

"Maybe he's a look-alike or a doppelgänger, or whatever it's called." Tew gestures. 

"But isn't the doppelgänger thing just a legend? Do you think it's real?" Shin asks, increasingly confused by the situation. 

"Maybe you just imagined it." Tew adds, sipping from his glass of water. 

"How could I have imagined it? He even talked to my boss, and I spilled coffee on him, so it wasn't my imagination." the boy continues to recount. 

"You spilled coffee on him? Damn, what a clumsy guy!" Tew teases him. 

"Listen, I was so nervous when I saw him, I didn't even realize what I was doing," Shin replies. 

"And how did he react?" Chadjen asks.
"He thought he was being funny by saying 'first day on the job, Shin?' with a stupid little smile." he imitates his voice. 

Chadjen and Tew look at each other and then at Shin. 

"He was obviously hitting on you." Tew replies. 

"What are you talking about? He saw me for the first time today, how could he be hitting on me? And besides, who would want to hit on me? I have nothing to offer." 

Shin still had to work on his self-esteem, and although things were getting better, he still felt that sense of inferiority compared to others, even if to a lesser extent. 

"Stop talking like that, you're a beautiful person both inside and out. If others can't see it, that's their problem." Tew comments. 

Shin gives him a slightly melancholic smile in response. 

"Anyway, I think this situation shouldn't be underestimated." Tew adds. 

"I agree." Chadjen joins in.

"You have your psychologist tomorrow, right? You could talk to her about it, maybe she can give you some advice." Tew suggests. 

"I will." Shin replies.

At that point, all three go back to enjoying their pizzas and chatting about various things. 
Meanwhile, Shin, with his head full of so many thoughts, wonders if he will see Sky again, or if that day was their first and last meeting…