Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Felix awakens from his slumber to a familiar voice and the sound of a hand slapping the door, he rubs his eyes and sits himself upright, Chans loud voice booming through the narrow hallway – earning groans and complaints from who could only be Minho.

He mourns the loss of his weighted blanket before he even slips from under it, stumbling sleepily towards his attached bathroom to begin his morning routine. It's easy, coordinated; shower, face, hair, outfit. Somehow, he always ends up being the last out the door, often followed by Chan yelling out from downstairs for him to hurry up.

Felix examines himself in the mirror, eyeing the way the white knit sweater hangs loosely on his shoulders, critiques the way the baggy black jeans make his legs look wider. It's not long before his evaluation is interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Lixie-Hyung, Channie says we have to be at the studio in 10 minutes!" Jeongins muffled voice gently reminds him through the thick wood door. It immediately brings Felix out of his thoughts. He hangs his off-white tote bag over his shoulder, taking his phone from off the charger, as well as his airpods from underneath his silk pillow. He opens the door and jogs down the stairs towards the door, immediately claiming his seat in Chans car – who follows shortly after, climbing into the drivers seat.
Chans car is usually the quitest one out of the two, Changbins is usually reserved for those who feel like partying at 7am.
Felix is not one of those people. He often sits in the backseat of Chans car; often the seat behind Chans. Felix connects his Airpods to his phone and zones out to the sound of Coldplay, only coming back into focus when Minho taps him on the shoulder to alert him they had reached the studio. Felix sighs and steps out of the car begrudgingly.

Training sails by smoothly, minimal mistakes, minimal breaks, jokes, and laughter sounding around the large room. He's sipping from his water bottle when Min-Jae calls out to him from the hallway. Felix raises an eyebrow confusedly when he's told to follow him, but obliges anyway. His stomach twists with a lingering dread as they walk the illuminated hallway; were they weighing him? He'd drank a lot of water today. They might see that and restrict him. He had never liked Min-Jae as much as their other managers, always judging, never approving.
Hes brought of his his worries when they reach the conference room door. The conference room? Normally, they'd just go to the recording room or somewhere casual. This must be important.

Felix follows Min-Jae into the room curiously, greeting the table and sitting hesitantly at the head of it as directed. He tenses at the sight of multiple important figures of the company, all looking at him sternly. He sits up straight and asks the dreaded question.
"What's this about?"
Seok-Hyun - head of marketing speaks up, his tone is firm, his breath carrying a coffee tinge from where Felix can smell it 2 seats over.
"We've recently been made aware of a set of photos made public. The post has been taken down, but they have been reposted on several platforms." Felixs mouth feels dry. What photos? What could call for such a serious discussion? Seok-Hyun seemingly reads his mind, answering by turning his computer screen to face him.

Felix forgets how to function.

The screen displays a photo of Felix sitting upright in a hospital bed. He has his thumbs up, but he's clearly displeased. The dark bags under his eyes are obvious, and various wires are attaching to his arms, visible where the hospital gown hangs low on his bony chest.
He tries to speak, but his words come out in weak stutters and stumbles. Seok-Hyun doesn't even give him the chance to defend himself, speaking coldly over him. "Before you make an excuse, please consider that the words 'suicide watch' are clearly visible on your chart." He gestures towards the computer, and Felix examines it one more time. He's completely correct. He runs a hand through his soft blonde hair shakily, reading what the headline says whilst his vision is still clear. It reads: "Pre-debut photos of Korean idol Lee Felix of StrayKids in hospital after apparent su*cide attempt sparks concern all around the world!" Felixs hand hovers over the touchpad, visibly shaky. His vision blurs with tears, his ears ring - yet his eyes remain glued to the screen, unable to look away.
The meeting lasts for god knows how long, and Felix eventually tunes their voices out for the most part. He freezes as they discuss him going on hiatus, and his eyebrows furrow in confusion, then anger.
"Are you serious?" The sharp tone of his voice catches the room by suprise. Min-Jae speaks up but is quickly interrupted by the blondes rising voice. "You're putting me on hiatus over some photos? I was 14!" He yells out in disbelief, standing quickly to express his incredulity. He goes to speak again but is immediately cut off. "It's temporary. You will still go on tour. It's just for 2 weeks until it goes away." Min-Jae's voice commands firmly, leaving no room for discussion. "There's a car outside. The members will be informed shortly."
Felix storms out of the room in astonishment, his footsteps heavy, angry through the narrow hallway. He reaches the practice room, storming into it and picking up his bag from the wall, walking away towards the exit before anybody can ask.

He yanks the glass doors open, walking into the cold air of outside and towards the black SUV parked outside of the building, opening the door with such ferocity it makes the driver jump. All he can think about on the drive home is how unreasonable this all is. This might not look good for the company. Thats why they're doing it. He scoffs to himself, shaking his head in utter rage. He doesn't even realise that he's back at the dorms until the driver speaks up hesitantly. "Uh- sir?" He speaks unsurely, and Felix only offers a small thankyou before stepping out of the car and walking towards the house. His footsteps boom through the empty rooms, and he immediately storms up the stairs to his bedroom. After everything that happened today, he's glad he has his own bedroom. It's not long before the members get home. They'll have questions, they might yell, or they might cry. Felix doesn't know how they'll react, but he knows hes dreading the fact that they will. He opens his phone - stupidly so, and opens Twitter.

He's grateful for the fans who defended him, but their words did nothing to dull the ache lodged deep in his chest — in his bones. He had promised himself that chapter of his life was over. He was happy now, with a life worth living. But that didn’t erase the shadows, the reckless, selfish whispers that never fully left. They pressed against the edges of his mind like a migraine, relentless and familiar. His thoughts scrambled for reasons — no, excuses. And it was all too similar. So familiar that the usually warm, comfortable sheets beneath him began to feel like the scratchy blue hospital blanket that had once made his skin crawl and itch, the air losing its lavender calm, replaced instead by the sharp, chemical sting of that room.

That haunting room, full of memories he doesn't want to remember. He remembers the warm summer day he did it on, he remembers the sound of his father taking the bathroom door down with a sledgehammer, the look on his mothers face when she picked up the empty pill bottle.

Something deep inside him wishes it worked.

He's afraid it's coming to the surface.

————

Felix almost jumps out of his own body when his door is slammed open, he hadn't even heard the members get home. He supposes his headphones are to blame for that. He sighs and looks up to see Han, who looks like hes about to either burst into tears or start yelling. "Lixie!" He exclaims, "Are you okay?" He asks. Felix narrows his eyes, isnt he supposed to be mad? "Im fine." He says dryly. Earning a sigh from Jisung. "Why wouldn't you tell me?" He asks, his voicd strained. Felix clicks his phone off and scoffs. "Its irrelevant."
"Irrelevant? You think that doing- doing that to yourself is irrelevant? You-"
"I dont want to talk about this right now." Felix cuts Han off dismissively, trying to keep his voice steady. Jisung only sighs in defeat, closing the door behind him.
Felix puts his headphones back on and unpauses his music, tilting his head back to rest against the headboard. He closes his eyes peacefully, letting time pass uncaringly. His biggest goal for today is to avoid talking to the members. He knows they're disappointed, he's disgraced the group, and frankly – hes too pissed to have a conversation right now. He almost lashed out at Han, and he doesn't want them to see that side of him.

But, of course, life has other plans for him.
He sighs when his music is dimmed momentarily, he looks down at his phone to see Chans message in his notifications. It reads "Downstairs, please." Firm, and not arguable.
Felix audibly groans in annoyance, taking a deep breath to calm himself down and standing, tossing his headphones on his bed and opening the door. He walks as slowly as he can down the stairs, brushing his hair from his face. He stops at the bottom of the stairs, and every fiber of him regrets doing so. The members are all crowed around the couch. All 7 of them looking expectedly at him, not a single smile present.
Felix sighs and drags his feet as he walks over, falling back on the couch. If he's having this conversation, he's going to be comfortable.

A moment passes, and nobody says anything. A voice breaks the silence, belonging to Chan. "Felix." He starts. "Chan." He answers back dryly. He sighs, rubbing his eyes. "How are you doing?" He asks, worry evident on his face. Felix answers with a simple "Fine." And at least 4 of the members sigh or scoff. "I know that's not true." Felix only shrugs in return, unwilling to give any other response. "Why wouldn't you tell us?" Hyunjin speaks up, a mix between concern and frustration present in his voice. He shrugs. "Didn't need to." Hyunjin scoffs. "Right, because the fact you tried to kill yourself is just irrelevant, right?" He asks rhetorically, tilting his head expectedly. Chan splutters with his words, raising his arms. "I dont get it. We've known you for almost a decade, and it feels like we dont know you at all!" He exclaims, Changbin and I.N nodding. Felix rubs his eyes, wanting to get this over with. "Look, im sorry, i made the group look bad." He forces out tiredly, not understanding when several people groan.

"Felix, that's the least of our concerns! Listen, you don't have to tell us everything, but this is a pretty big thing! It just -" he sighs, "It just feels like you dont trust us." His words make Felix narrow his eyes. Why aren't they mad? Hell, Felix is mad! He knows he shouldn't have come downstairs. "What, because i didn't tell you one thing? Has it ever occurred to you that i just didn't want to tell you? Hm?" Felix exclaims, rising from his seat. The room falls silent for a moment, but Felix doesn't back down. "Did you ever consider that maybe the topic of me trying to overdose when i was 14 was something i didn't want to bring up? Ever?" He yells.
"Lower your voice." Lee Know warns, but it only fuels his anger. "Or what?" He dares, stepping forward, only to be held back. "That's enough! Go to your room, Felix!" Chan yells, his voice authoritative commanding. "Well, i was in my room until you dragged me out here, Chris!" Felix yells back, wretching his arms out of his tight grip, storming away from the couches and up the stairs. The room is left in tense silence in his departure, a soft voice speaking up. "I've never seen that side of him." Jisung speaks shakily, the members nodding in agreement.

"None of us have." Chan stares towards the stairs in astonishment.

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Felix slams his bedroom door so hard the walls shake, but he’s far too out of it to care. He paces the room, fingers tangled in his blonde hair, tugging hard enough to make his scalp burn.

“Fuck…” he mutters, blinking rapidly to push back the tears welling in his eyes, a painful lump forming in his throat.

He’s stressed, far too stressed to deal with this right now. Storming into the bathroom, he slams the door shut and twists the lock with a force that rattles the handle. Sliding down the wall, he collapses onto the cold tile, dragging his knees to his chest.

His fists cling to his hair like a lifeline, tugging harder than he realizes, until finally, the dam breaks. The tears come fast. Angry and messy, coating his cheeks, dripping off his jaw, soaking into the fabric of his loose knit sweater in small, dark spots.

'You fucked up.' The thought slams into him, merciless, echoing through the hollow space inside his chest. Guilt gnaws at him, sharp and unrelenting, making it hard to breathe. His grip on his hair tightens, as if tearing it out would undo what just happened.

A choked sob rips free. He lets his hands fall, head slamming back against the wall with a dull thud. Pain blooms at the base of his skull, but it’s nothing compared to the weight crushing his chest.

He curls in tighter, hugging his knees. His right hand clamps down on his left arm, nails carving crescent moons into pale skin. His breaths come shallow, trembling, until slowly, painfully – they start to even out.

Silence fills the bathroom, broken only by the sound of his ragged breathing. His knit sweater clings uncomfortably to his skin, his body trembling. He presses his forehead against his knees, squeezing his eyes shut.

But the silence isn’t comforting. It’s suffocating. And beneath it, he can still hear it – the echo of his own voice raised too loud, against the people he loves the most.

A sharp knock makes him flinch.

“Felix?” The voice is speaking English, though its muffled through the door. Low, hesitant, and he can recognise the matching accent anywhere.

Felix freezes, heart hammering in his chest. He presses the heel of his palm against his eyes, swiping away tears that won’t stop coming. He doesn’t answer. He doesn't think he can.

Another knock, softer this time

"...Can you open up? Please?” Felix’s throat tightens. His chest feels like it’s caving in, every breath sharp and unsteady. He wants to scream at him to go away, to leave him drowning in his own mess. But at the same time, the sound of Chan's voice cuts through the static in his head, grounding him in a way he didn’t realize he needed.

He drags himself upright, legs shaking as he stumbles toward the door. His hand hovers over the lock, trembling. He doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to face the look in his eyes – the disappointment, the hurt.

Another whisper, barely audible: “We’re worried about you.” Felix sucks in a shaky breath. His fingers twist the lock before he can stop himself. Before he can tell himself he's not in his right mind.

Felix doesn’t move, doesn’t open the door. He just stands there, forehead pressed against the wood, hand still clutching the lock like he’s holding the last piece of himself together.

On the other side, Chan lets out a slow breath. “I know you don’t wanna see us right now… not after what happened. But, Lix… we’re not angry; we’re worried.”

Felix squeezes his eyes shut, nails digging into his palms. His voice comes out hoarse, cracked: “You shouldn’t be. I said I was fine.”

There’s a beat of silence, then Chan’s tone sharpens, not with anger, but with something heavier. Concern. “Then why the hell was there a picture of you hooked up to IVs in a hospital bed?”

Felix flinches like he’s been struck. His breath stutters out, shaky. “…it wasn’t supposed to get out.”

“No,” Chan agrees softly, “it wasn’t. But it did. And now we can’t stop thinking about it. You scared the shit out of us, Felix.”

Felix swallows hard, tears burning fresh paths down his cheeks. His voice is a whisper, broken.

"I didn’t mean for it to… I didn’t mean to make you guys feel like that. I just-” His throat closes, cutting him off.

“You don’t have to explain,” Chan interrupts gently. “Just… don’t shut us out. Not like this. Not when we’re trying to hold you together and you’re tearing yourself apart.”

Felix’s knees nearly buckle, the weight of guilt and regret crashing into him all at once. His hand twists the handle before he can think better of it.

The door creaks open.

Chan stands there, eyes heavy with exhaustion and worry, but soft – so much softer than Felix expected. He doesn’t lecture, doesn’t demand. He just reaches out, resting a hand lightly on Felix’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to carry this alone,” he murmurs.

And for the first time that day, Felix lets himself lean into the hold.

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UMMM GUYS IM SO SORRY I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO UPDATE😭😭😭 LONG STORY SHORT I WAS IN HOSPITAL BLAH BLAH BLAH ITS WHATEVER (i had low blood pressure and apparently it was dangerous or sum lolllll) ANYWAY, TOMORROW YOU CAN EXPECT A SORT OF HAPPY CHAPTER (you never know) BUT ALSO A VERY SAD ONE THAT MIGHT BREAK YOU❤️

Its 3:49AM where I am, so the next chapters will be probably posted around 2pm? Idk man I got shit to do but also I feel bad for saying I was gonna update but then I didn't so these ones will be longer so it will take more time!!! Anyway I pinky promise i will post it tomorrow TRUST

So sorry for the late chapter, I hope some of you guys are still invested, I'm very sorry to keep you waiting if you were😭😭 last chapter was not very long, only a couple hundred words so the next 2 chapters will be longer, much over like 1/2k words ^_^ anyway, peace out beautiful bitchessss!!! I hope you all have a wonderful day/night.

OH ALSO IM GETTING A BUNCH OF PHOTOCARDS, MY GRANDMA IS BUYING THEM FOR ME BECAUSE I TOLD HER IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER😈 (its yongbok, obvi, but I'm working on getting seungmin and binnie bcs they're my bias wreckers)