Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

carcinoGenetecist >>> Cool Teen Meme Team(™)

CG: LISTEN UP ASSHOLES
CG: ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY
CG: WHO WANTS TO FUCKING MURDER ME

TG: literally everyone

EB: :0

GG: ooooooh fucking roasted!!!! good one dave

TG: thank you jade

TT: Don’t encourage him. You’re being an enabler.

TG: @rose <3 suck my ass

TT: <3 I’d rather die.

EB: not that the strilonde theatrics aren't entertaining and all
EB: but what are you talking about karkat?

CG: I’M TALKING ABOUT FIRST DEGREE MANSLAUGHTER
CG: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT

EB: ???

TG: see the thing is dude i don't think anyone ever knows what you're talking about

CG: HEY EVERYONE! STRIDER’S GONNA GIVE US HIS TAKE ON THE SITUATION!
CG: BETTER LISTEN UP IT’S PROBABLY IMPORTANT

TG: i have rights

GG: karkat just say what's up already

TT: The suspense is killing me

CG: I ACCIDENTALLY CALLED KANKRI “DAD”

GG: omg

TA: oh 2weet je2u2

EB: w o w

TT: Oh my.

TG: haha dude you must’ve endured the longest heartfelt speech of the fucking millennia oh man

CG: YEAH FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT IT ASSHOLE
CG: I’VE GOT HIS BROTHERLY LOVE COMING OUT MY ASS

TG: yikes

GG: ;;;;;;;)

EB: HA

CG: WAIT THAT CAME OUT WRONG
CG: THE POINT IS
CG: HE’S EVEN MORE OVERBEARING THAN USUAL
CG: SOMEBODY MEET ME IN THE FUCKING PIT AND KICK MY ASS
CG: THEN LEAVE ME THERE TO DIE

TG: the fucking pit?
TG: is that your name for your sex dungeon?

TT: Oooh, now that one I like.

TG: <3

TT: Why do you always do this?

TG: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

CG: STRIDER, LALONDE, WHEN I FINALLY SNAP YOU’LL BE THE FIRST ONES TO GO
CG: YOUR DEATHS WILL BE SWIFT AND BRUTAL

GG: lol!!!

EB: @karkat this is some freudian shit right here. you should talk to rose if you want
EB: because psychiatry

CG: WHAT I WANT IS TO FUCKING DIE

TT: And why is that?

CG: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

TT: Interesting.

GG: *takes notes* now how does that make you feel?

TA: hii2 plea for death ii2 repre2entatiive of hii2 iinten2e feeliing2 of 2elf loathiing

CG: LITERALLY DID NOT ASK

GA: Friends. It Is 11 In The Evening. I Am Trying To Sleep.

TG: turn off notifications for the chat then

GA: I’m Afraid I Cannot

EB: why not?

GA: I Do Not Know How

TG: #savekanaya2k16

TT: Couldn't you turn off your phone?

GA: I Need It On Because I Used It To Set An Alarm
GA: My Job At The Library Starts Early

GG: basic

GA: Hey.

TT: @Jade Says the one who works at a flower shop

GG: <3

TT: <3

TG: what the fuck rose
TG: jade gets non sarcastic hearts but i don't?
TG: fuck yourself

TT: No.

EB: @kanaya well geez i guess you're stuck listening to karkat’s daddy issues

CG: FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK I DON'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES

GG: that sounds like something someone with daddy issues would say!!

TG: astute observation detective harley

GG: thank you david

GA: Karkat It Is Not As If You Haven’t Referred To Me As “Mom” Before

TG: oh shit
TG: how the turntables
TG:

CG: FUCKING

EB: ok but am i the only one who's not at all surprised by this

CG: KANAYA

TA: fuckiing anniihiilated

TG: karkat has a mommy kink

EB: AND a daddy kink

GG: hot

TT: Not uncommon for someone who grew up without real parents.

CG: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ROSE STOP DIAGNOSING ME RIGHT NOW

EB: im kinkshaming

TA: ^ 2ame
TA: kk you a freak

CG: GUYS STOP

GG: it’s ok karkat, we’re not judging you
GG: hard

EB: yeah!
EB: none of us are free of sin

TG: yeah but especially karkat
TG: god will never see you in his forgiving light again
TG: you said the word “daddy” and now it's too late

CG: I DIDN'T CALL HIM DADDY YOU SICK FUCKS
CG: I CALLED HIM DAD
CG: NO INFANTILE SUFFIX TO BE SEEN

TT: You seem awfully defensive

CG: LITERALLY FUCK OFF LALONDE

EB: karkat the only reason we give you such a hard time is because you make it so easy

GG: ^^^

TG: ^^^^^^

GG: <3

TG: <3

EB: 8===D

TA: cla22y

GA: What Is That?

TG: #savekanaya2k16

Chapter Text

ectoBiologist >>> Cool Teen Meme Team

EB: guys

EB: remember that time i said i was straight

TT: Yes

GG: yep

TG: which time

TG: you assert your heterocity a lot

CG: I SMELL AN IDENTITY CRISIS

EB: well the thing is

EB: i’m not

GG: whomp there it is

TT: We know, sweetheart.

TG: holy shit

TG: well i fuckin didn't

GA: John We Are All Very Proud Of You

GG: ^^^ <3 <3 <3

TG: ^^^^^^^

TA: ^

EB: thanks mom and friends <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

CG: FUCKING JOIN THE CLUB EGBERT

CG: LOOKS LIKE WE’RE FINALLY WEEDING OUT THE HETEROSEXUALS IN OUR GROUP

CG: TWO TO GO

GG: wait what?

TG: show me the heteros

TG: i want NAMES

TT: Straight witch hunt.

TT: Burn them in their horrible fashion, next to all their sports memorabilia.

TT: As you're tying them to the stake remember to say “no homo.”

GG: guys what the hell who are the straights??

CG: YOU AND SOLLUX

TA: lol 2orry m8 but nah

CG: SERIOUSLY?

TA: ya

CG: OH

GG: karkat

TG: jade is hella gay too what are you talking about

CG: WHAT

CG: SINCE WHEN

TT: Since “Legendary Girl Utena” in seventh grade

GG: anime made me gay

TG: same

TG: kamina from gurren lagann

GA: Sailor Moon

TA: ouran hiigh2chool ho2t club

TA: kyoya can get iit

EB: ^ same tbh

CG: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING

TG: ok but honorable mention to all the boys from the iwatobi swim club

TT: And let's not forget Cardcaptor Sakura

TT: A beacon of light for gay fourth graders the world over.

GG: *applause*

TA: ^

TG: ^^

EB: ^^^

CG: AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T HAD A SEXUAL AWAKENING BECAUSE OF ASIAN CARTOONS

TG: alright dude then tell us

TG: who made you gay

TG: who did this to you

CG: NO ONE

GA: I Believe It Was Equius.

GG: NO

TG: no fucking way

EB: BULLSHIT

TA: very tempted two turn off notiifiicatiion2 for the chat at thii2 moment

TT: Well

TT: Jesus fucking Christ.

CG: KANAYA WTF IS NOTHING SACRED

GA: Oops

GA: Anyway I Don't See The Problem

GA: Equius Is One Of The More Sane People We Know

TG: no i mean hey it's cool man that's legit

TG: so you like horse cock

TG: nothin wrong with that

CG: I HATE ALL OF YOU

EB: karkats daddy kink was strike one

EB: this is strike three

EB: its so bad we had to bypass strike 2 im sorry man

GG: yay now im not the only furry!!!

TT: Yes, now you two can bond over your shared interests.

TT: Far away from the rest of us.

GG: *sad puppy noises*

TT: Stop that.

TG: you guys make your own groupchat with nepeta and equius but don't bring that filth in here

TG: this is a respectable chat

GA: What Is A Furry?

TT: So innocent.

EB: so pure

GG: oH BOY

GG: oh kanaya have i got news for you

GA: ?

TA: @ga 2omeone who ha2 2trayed from god2 liight two the poiint of no return

GA: That

GA: That's Basically All Of Us

TG: yeah but at least we’re not karkat

CG: OH FUCK YOU ALL

CG: I CAN'T TELL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ANYTHING

GG: kids, no matter how bad things get, just remember

GG: at least you're not karkat

EB: amen

TT: Amen.

TG: a fucking men

Chapter Text

turntechGodhead >>> tentacleTherapist

TG: rose we did something bad

TT: Who is “we”?

TG: me and john

TG: ok it was me but john gave me the idea

TT: Do go on.

TG: alright

TG: so you know how vriska is kind of a douchebag

TT: Oh absolutely.

TG: alright so

TG: during class just now she was doing her thing

TG: you know

TG: being a bag of douche and just generally kinda crazy

TG: and john and i go “what the fuck”

TG: “this can't go on”

TG: and then we notice she's got a bottle of aj on her desk

TG: sweet delicious aj

TT: You know what?

TT: I think I know where this is going and I’m going to have to ask you to stop.

TG: no please i need this

TG: i gotta tell somebody before i fucking explode

TG: just fucking combust right here in this classroom

TG: blood and guts everywhere

TG: it’ll be like a scene from a nonsensical horror movie

TG: little monsters 2: the explodening

TT: Dave.

TG: sorry

TT: Proceed with your confession

TT: If you must

TG: right

TG: so she's got this unassuming bottle of aj on her desk

TG: and she just gets up and leaves to go be a douche somewhere else i guess

TG: and she just left it there man

TG: it wasn't my fault

TT: Get it out of your system, Dave.

TT: I am here for you.

TG: so john is sitting next to me

TG: and we’re both watching this go down

TG: and he says to me “we gotta ‘little monsters’ her”

TG: and i said “dude”

TG: and he just looked at me all determined and rose i swear it just happened

TT: Well.

TT: What the fuck.

TG: it seemed like a funny prank at first but now we’re both just sitting here waiting for her to take a sip

TG: i might just fucking faint if she does

TT: Well, she should have thought about monster!Howie Mandel before she decided to act like such a douche all the time.

TG: that's what i’m sayin

TG: but i still feel bad

TG: if she ever finds out it was me she’s gonna slit my throat in my sleep

TG: i mean i think everyone except terezi’s constantly living in fear of vriska anyway

TG: but this is like advanced terror right here

TG: i think i need to go into the witness protection program

TT: Dave, calm down.

TT: She won't have any proof it was you.

TG: i guess that's true

TG: but this stays between us right?

TT: Of course, Dave.

tentacleTherapist >>> Cool Teen Meme Team(™)

TT: Dave pissed in Vriska’s apple juice.

turntechGodhead >>> tentacleTherapist

TG: you know sometimes i think “why am i unhappy?”

TG: i’ve got a pretty good life

TG: i’ve mastered the art of badass swordsmanship and ironic mind games

TG: i’m the author of a sweet ass webcomic

TG: my friends are ok i guess

TG: but i’ve still got this lowkey feeling that won't leave me alone

TG: that something’s wrong

TG: like when you leave the bathroom after taking a shit and go “wait a minute, did i remember to flush?”

TG: i mean, of course you did, right?

TG: you always flush, it's like a reflex

TG: you probably just did it subconsciously and don't remember

TG: and even though you know that's probably all it is, you still can't shake this feeling that you forgot to do it

TG: and that your shit is still there

TG: waiting

TG: that's what my life is like

TG: and you rose lalonde

TG: you’re the shit i forgot to flush

TT: Are you upset because I told everyone that you pissed in Vriska’s apple juice?

TG: you mean right after you promised to never tell anyone?

TG: no rose

TG: no i’m not

TT: I love you, Dave.

TG: stop

TT: <3

TG: don't text me your lies rose

TG: that heart isn't real

TT: Who's my favorite little brother?

TG: two months rose

TG: that's all you have on me

TT: You are!

TG: wench

TT: <3 <3 <3

Chapter Text

ectoBiologist >>> Cool Teen Meme Team(™)

EB: guys i feel like this chat is missing some people

EB: like the meme team (™) isn't complete

TG: word

TG: man i wish the mayor had a phone

TT: Oh not this again

TG: what was that tone?

GG: uh oh

EB: rose it's not worth it

TT: He’s a toddler.

TT: Why you think he would make a good addition to this chat eludes me.

TG: rose

TG: if you are anything other than fuckin ecstatic at the mere mention of that adorable little guy we’re gonna have a fuckin problem

TT: How do you know he's adorable?

TT: You’ve never even seen his face, it's always hidden by his weird, post-apocalyptic vagabond costume.

TT: And why do you call him Mayor? You know he's not really a Mayor, right? He's our five year old neighbor.

TG: rose can i live

TT: I mean

TG: you fucking traitor

GG: what is his real name anyway?

TG: beats the fuck outta me

TG: i just know his initials are W.V.

TT: Maybe Wayward Vagabond?

TT: Because of his costume.

TG: no rose that's fucking stupid that couldn't possibly be it

GG: william velociraptor

TG: we’re getting closer

EB: aaaaaaanyway

EB: i was thinking more along the lines of tavros or something

CG: GAMZEE?

EB: err…

GG: karkat he creeps me out tbh

TG: yeah i second that

TG: we’re in almost every class together and i’ve never ever heard him talk

TG: he just sits there

TG: smiling

EB: and he's always got weird clown paint on his face what's up with that?

TA: juggalo

CG: HE’S GOING THROUGH A HARD TIME RIGHT NOW

TT: That's what they said about that serial killer who kept the remains of his victims in his freezer.

CG: GUYS COME ON

CG: HE'S FUCKING WEIRD BUT HE'S NO SERIAL KILLER

EB: why does this feel so…

EB: …meta?

TG: i’ll add tz

TG: only then can the meme team (™) truly be complete

EB: uuuuuuugh

turntechGodhead added gallowsCalibrator

GC: WH4T UP SLUTS

CG: OH, TEREZI

CG: WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING THE POSSIBILITY OF GAMZEE BEING A SERIAL KILLER

GC: 1’D 4SK WHY 1F TH1S W3R3 4B0UT 4NY0N3 3LS3 BUT Y0U KN0W WH4T TH4T 4CTU4LLY M4K3S S3NS3

CG: OK WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT

GG: the real question is, why don't you?

EB: yeah karkat

EB: what are you gay

GC: 3GB3RT L1T3R4LLY 3V3RY0N3 1N TH1S CH4T 1S G4Y

EB: geez terezi it was a joke

EB: and i never told you i was gay, how did you know???

GC: H4T3 T0 BR34K 1T T0 Y0U BR0 BUT 3V3RY0N3 KN3W

TT: ^

GA: ^^

CG: ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

EB: what?????

TT: I’ve mentioned this to you before, John.

EB: i thought it was a joke????

TG: ok next time you people think someone’s gay tell me because i literally had no idea

GG: heh

GG: why do you care so much?

TG: i don't

TG: i just wanna be in the fucking loop

TG: clued in on all the hot goss

TG: know the 411

TG: *insert another thing that nobody says anymore*

GC: L3TS T4LK 4B0UT S0M3TH1NG N0T B0R1NG

GA: Did We Have Any Homework Due Tomorrow Other Than The English Essay?

CG: WHAT

TG: WHAT

EB: WHAT

GG: WHAT

TA: WHAT

GC: WH4T

TT: Kanaya, you've turned them all into Karkat.

GC: K4N4Y4 1 S41D S0M3TH1NG “N0T B0RING”, N0T FUCK1NG T3RR1FY1NG

GA: My Apologies

GA: I Assumed You All Knew?

GC: K4N4Y4 L00K M3 1N TH3 3Y3S 4ND T3LL M3 1 S33M L1K3 TH3 TYP3 0F P3RS0N WH0 D03S H0M3W0RK

GA: This Is A Virtual Conversation

GA: But Yes Fair Point

CG: AND JUST LIKE THAT

CG: MY ENTIRE DAY

CG: FUCKING RUINED

TG: but you're ALWAYS miserable

TG: this can't be that much worse for you

CG: NOT TRUE

CG: USUALLY ON THE EMOTION SCALE I’M A 0/10

CG: BUT THEN KANAYA HAD TO COME ALONG

CG: NOW I’M IN THE NEGATIVES

CG: I WON'T GIVE YOU A SPECIFIC NUMBER BECAUSE IT'S LITERALLY TOO SMALL FOR ANYONE BUT ME TO FUCKING UNDERSTAND

CG: I’M IN FUCKING ANGUISH

CG: THANKS KANAYA

TA: kk are you ok

GA: It Is Not My Fault That You All Refuse To Do Your Homework

TG: what is even going on in that class

TG: i feel like i haven't actually been present there in like 3 years

GG: same

GG: it’s just so boring

EB: for real…

GC: FUCK TH1S 1’LL JUST D1TCH T0M0RR0W 4ND WR1TE 1T TH3N

TT: She wants us to email it to her.

GC: N0

EB: there is no escape

TG: you know what no

TG: fuck this

TG: i ain't bullshitting my way through some shitty essay that won't even reflect how i actually personally feel about something

TG: and instead is just me figuring out how to most effectively put into words what that fucking vacuum of creativity wants to hear

TG: just for 1) a grade that doesn't even matter in the grand scheme of things and 2) so i can conform to the education system’s warped vision of intelligence

TG: because quite fucking frankly i have better things to do with my time

EB: *mic drop*

GG: GO OOOOOOOOOOOFF

CG: WOW

GC: LM40 JUST S3ND 1N TH4T

GA: Impressive

TT: Don’t be too impressed.

TT: He just texted me privately to ask what the topic was

TG: you traitorous fucking bitch

GA: Hey

TG: sorry

TG: traitorous fucking LADY

GA: Better And Yet Not Really

EB: dave what the hell YOU’RE the traitorous lady

GG: you betrayed the meme team (™) dave

GC: JUD4S

CG: YES

CG: FINALLY

CG: SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ME IS GETTING ROASTED

CG: PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR ASS CEREMONIOUSLY HANDED TO YOU STRIDER

TA: 2ee now that you 2aiid that ii 2uddenly have the urge two roa2t you

EB: yeah…

GG: ha true

GC: S4M3

CG: OH COME THE FUCK ON

GG: w.v. = winthrop vagina

TG: we’ve fucking got it