Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Moving was never fun. Especially when it involved uprooting your life to go across the country and land in some random town no one knows. Well people do know of it, but not for good reasons. But you'd be damned if you were going to let a little infamy stop you from taking a job you could get in the state you wanted to live in. Any job.

 A grueling twenty hour, multi-day odyssey was finally behind you. Now all you needed to do was find your new apartment building, meet your new roommate, and move all your shit in. You were a little nervous, but that was to be expected. You'd only ever talked to him over the internet while trying to arrange your new life. From what you knew, your roommate was a nerd and part-time busboy who was excited to finally move out of his moms house. He was older than you, but that would be fine as long as he wasn't a freak.

You tried not to dwell on how long it was going to take you to move everything out of the trailer as the path on your GPS grew shorter and shorter. You knew in theory what the building looked like, but seeing it in the light of day was something different. The four story building had gray siding that had patches of moss growing on it, the sides were symmetrical with two windows on each side of every floor. A central stairway in the middle was open to the air, showing off the hallway that led to the apartment entrances. It was the kind of mediocrity that comes with your tax bracket in the PNW. That and the need for a roommate. The parking lot was nearly empty. It was the middle of the morning so most people were probably at work, but it still made the place feel eerily abandoned. You pulled your car and trailer in front of the entrance to the stairs and pulled your phone out to text your new roommate.

You: hey man! I'm here!

Adrian: out in a flash

You smiled as you got out of your car to stretch a bit. The air was cool and slightly humid. Hands over your head, you looked up at the cloud covered sky. You'd heard Washington was cloudy most of the time but you had hoped for a bit of sun today, wishful thinking and all. Still, even with the overcast sky and the travel fatigue you were excited. You’d made it on your own. 

Hearing footsteps rapidly slapping down the steps behind you, you turned and saw a guy in jeans and a light blue t shirt headed towards you with a smile on his face. He looked about how you expected, you'd sent each other face pictures while introducing yourselves, but he was slightly taller than you’d imagined. Somehow he’d given off short energy. He called your name out as if he wasn't sure it was you, despite being the only person in the parking lot. 

“Hey Adrian, nice to finally meet you,” you grinned at him. He wiggled a little bit and made a silly face while dangling keys out towards you.

“Keys for the roomie,” he said in a faux fancy voice. You twirled your hand out so he could toss them to you.

“Thank you good sir.”

“Come up and see the apartment!” he said excitedly, almost bouncing up and down. It didn’t appear he had blinked this entire time.

“Okay but lemme grab some stuff first,” you turned, opened the back door of your car, and pulled out a duffle bag. Before you could put it on the ground to get a second bag, it was taken from your hands. “Oh, thanks.” He just nodded while you grabbed your other bag out the backseat and turned to follow him up the stairs. You knew your apartment was 302 so you figured it was on the third floor but that didn't stop your new roommate, he seemed thrilled in his capacity as tour guide and bounded up the stairs ahead of you. Third floor, on the back of the building, nice and isolated from the sounds of the road. Trees and a gentle hill greeted your eyes from the open outdoor hallway as you stood to the side and watched him excitedly open the door to let you in.

You stepped in to see one singular chair in the middle of the living room and a bunch of random posters haphazardly hung on the walls. At least the kitchen looked pristine? He started talking quickly before your face could even form a reaction, “I don't have a couch but then I figured because we're roomies we could pick it out together? And we totally don't have to keep the posters where they are, I just didn't like the walls having nothing on them when they could have some totally cool posters on them! I hope you don't mind but I already chose my bedroom, but I moved in a week earlier than you so it makes sense I would have chosen a bedroom already. As I understand it, these things are generally first come first served as long as the rooms are of comparable size” He laughed nervously at the end and plopped the duffle bag on the ground unceremoniously.

“So I'm just going to assume that the door with the poster on it is your room?”

“Yes,” he said excitedly before his face went blank and he turned to look you directly in the eye. “Don't go in there. Ever.”

“Wasn't planning on it, as long as you don't go in mine.” You said trying to joke as you moved towards the other door in the living room, trying to hide that that comment didn't throw you off a little. Not that you were planning on going in his room, but the way he said it was chilling. You opened up the door to the other bedroom and stepped in. It was a good size and had a view of the hills and trees which extended out behind the building. After setting the bag you were holding down you turned back to grab the duffle Adrian had dropped on the floor and saw he was still just standing there, watching you. You smiled a little and shoved the bag in your room then stepped around him to go get the rest of your stuff.

“Want me to move stuff for you? I am very efficient.”

“Uh you can if you want to? I'll probably only need real help with getting my bed up the stairs.”

Disregarding your words completely, Adrian followed you down the stairs and to the rental trailer. It took a minute of fumbling with the stupid padlock, with Adrian staring intently the whole time, but you were able to slide the door up with a groan from the metal. Your new roommate was standing beside you, arms out, doing little grabby hands until you gave him a box, “Is this fragile, it says dishes on the top?”

“Yes, please don't drop that.”

“I'm not gonna drop my new roomies box. That would be a terrible first impression,” he scoffed and turned, headed towards the stairs. By the time you had grabbed a box and headed halfway up the stairs, he was running back down. You had just set the box you were holding on the counter when he came in with another box. How much stamina did this guy have?

 “You only have like three boxes left in there, we should be done in no time!”

He took off again before you had a chance to respond. At least he was being helpful. If you were being honest you really didn't want to carry all those boxes yourself anyways. After one more trip, for you, all the boxes were inside the apartment. Adrian turned to face you and raised his eyebrows, “Furniture time?”

“Yes, but I will warn you I am not that strong. So this will probably be a pain in the ass.”

“I'll lift, you guide.”

It was almost hassle free. First the two of you brought up your rug, then bed frame, then the mattress, then your shelves, and finally your ancient coffee table. It was chipped and one leg was shorter than the rest but you couldn't bring yourself to part with it. The living room looked even more ridiculous with the wobbly table than it had with just the singular chair. Adrian had been true to his word, he lifted most of the stuff while you had just held it and directed him on where to go. He was crazy strong and had barely even broken a sweat. You decided to not question it.

“Thank you so much for your help,” you said, giving him a smile. “That would have taken me all morning if it was just me moving stuff.”

He broke out into really loud laughter, “Probably longer! You don't have any arm strength.” He stated it so glibly, but he was laughing so you assumed he wasn’t trying to be rude. He flopped down into the chair in the living room, so you moved into the kitchen to start unpacking dishes. He'd placed the box labeled dishes on the counter, and even sliced through the packing tape to reveal the contents.

“Do you have a preference for where the cups and stuff go?”

He turned to look your way, “Nah I already have some stuff in the cabinets but if you need to move them you can.” He went back to whatever he was doing while you put away your dishes. When the kitchen was in order, you started sorting through the other boxes that were in the living room. He sat and looked up from his phone every once in a while as you moved things around the apartment. An hour passed, and you were in your room putting books and figures up on your shelf. The door to Adrian's room quietly shut and a soft click sounded from the lock. You continued with what you were doing, not really paying any mind to him until you heard him loudly announce that he was going to work and not to wait up. The smirk on your face was not supposed to be seen, but it was when his face popped around your door frame.

“Did you hear? I'm going to work,” his glasses were slightly crooked with a grin that matched.

“Yeah I heard, have fun at work.”

“Great, I always appreciate a verbal confirmation. Don't wait up!”, he sang before you heard the front door close and lock. You continued unpacking your room and the stuff for the bathroom, taking an occasional break for water. Finally the work got to be too much and your stomach staged a protest. You'd ordered from a random diner somewhere nearby and realized while grabbing it that you had left your car parked like an asshole in front of the steps. Moving your car and dropping off the rental trailer proved more of a pain in the ass than expected and by the time you returned, the food in your passenger seat was cold. Trudging up the steps once again, god you didn't consider you'd have to go up this many steps daily, you hoped there was a microwave in the apartment. Thankfully there was. Once you’d refueled, finishing up the necessary unpacking flew by and finally you flopped to your bed.

It was only 2:30 in the afternoon but you were so tired that you just curled up on a blanket in your unmade bed and took a nap. When you awoke it was dark out and the apartment smelled intriguingly of tomatoes. Your bedroom door was cracked, letting the light from the living room spill across the floor. You heard vague shuffling noises in the kitchen, so you figured Adrian had come back to the apartment and was making himself dinner or something. Pushing yourself up out of bed, you tried to slip into the bathroom. Unfortunately, the second you left your room Adrian started talking at you.

“Oh! Roomie is awake, I just got home but I thought you were sleeping so I was trying to be quiet,” He said too quickly for your sleepy brain to process fully. You just stood facing him, half awake and blinking from the light. “Ha! You look like you just woke up but that's good because I brought! Zoodles!” He waited a second for a reaction that didn't come then carried on, “Ok I also brought normal pasta because I wasn't sure if you liked pasta or if it would make you shit or something. But importantly, I have dinner!”

He seemed poised to keep rambling but you perked up at the word dinner.

 “Oh dinner?” A yawn overtook you before you could continue, “Thanks man, sorry I just woke up and my brain isn't working. And I have to pee.”

“Pee away.”

Shuffling to the bathroom took more brain power than expected. Your thoughts and muscles  were mushy after an accidental all day nap. Well not all day, just all afternoon and evening. Also probably the whole night if you hadn’t been awakened by the smell of dinner. After washing your hands and thanking god that he had hand soap in the bathroom already, you returned to the living room to find two bowls of pasta with your roommates fingers wiggling over them.

“Pesto zoodles or a classic spaghetti and meatballs? The choice is yours tonight,” Adrian said excitedly once you were in front of the bowls.

“This is really sweet thank you,” you told him while trying to contain a yawn.

“Choose!” He sounded impatient so you looked back down at the bowls.

“Spaghetti?”

“Aw I wanted that... that's ok though I let you choose.”

“I mean you could have it, you bought it,” you looked at the food and then him again. He instantly perked up and grabbed the bowl of spaghetti, taking it to the living room and sitting on the floor next to the chair. Grabbing a fork and the bowl of zoodles you made your way over to him and he patted the chair, but you rolled your eyes and sat across from him on the floor. You clinked the edges of the bowls together and started to eat.

“Thank you so much for bringing food, I totally fell asleep and was planning on just starving for dinner.” You took a bite of the zoodles, surprisingly very good for being not real pasta.

“I figured I'd celebrate having you here with dinner,” He was shoving pasta in his mouth and it was kind of difficult to understand what he was saying. After a huge swallow he looked at you directly, “Everyone at my work was saying it was a miracle I had a roommate because I would be quote unquote too creepy to live with.” 

You snorted, “Well that's fucking rude of them.” 

 He smiled a little and looked back down before forking more pasta into his mouth 

“So besides your rude coworkers, how was work?”

“Pretty good, I touched a lot of dirty dishes.”

“Ha ha gross.”

You both sat eating in silence for a bit. It was nice honestly. Adrian seemed a bit weird, but not creepy like his coworkers described? Sure his tone earlier was odd when he told you not to go in his room but maybe he was just a private guy, not really any of your business anyways.

He ate way faster than you did and just sat with his empty bowl, fingers tapping the edges, watching you eat. It was awkward and made you feel self conscious so you quickly shoved the rest of the food in your mouth while his eyes lingered. As soon as you set your fork down he grabbed the bowl from your hand and hopped up to head to the sink. You were still chewing so you couldn't tell him to leave the dishes for you to do, by the time you were up and in the kitchen, he'd already started washing them.

“I would have done them, you literally brought me food.”

“It's fine I'm still in my work clothes,” He retorted as he laid them on a drying rack and turned to face you. “Well this was great but I have to go to my other job.”

“Damn you work another job? Sucks that they're back to back at night.”

“Nah my second job is the best ever because sometimes I get to save the world!” He sounded so chipper despite it being so late as he scooched around you and slid into his bedroom. You wanted to wonder what his second job was but the tiredness was hitting you so instead you poured yourself a huge glass of water and walked to your bedroom again.

“Goodnight Adrian, have fun saving the world,” You said loudly before closing your door. A muffled goodnight came from the living room after a few minutes and you heard the front door close again. Wrapped up again in the blanket on your bed you let sleep overtake you again.

Chapter Text

U/nogodsnomasks:

I (26) recently moved in with my roommate (30M). He was a random roommate but we talked online for a bit before I moved in. For context, this was a cross country move for me and I don’t have any family nearby, so it was going well but I've noticed some weird stuff. For one he’s very anal about the cleanliness of the bathroom? But like only the bathroom. It’s been a week since I moved in and I swear he has bleached the bathroom like three times already. I don’t mind a clean bathroom but why is he bleaching it so often? It smells sooooo bad, I hate the smell of bleach. Also he works nights, which is fine, I don’t mind him getting in late at night. But I swear the other night  I heard the sound of metal scraping from his bedroom after he got back to the apartment. I don’t know how to describe it, like he’s sharpening a knife or something in there, but it’s in his bedroom? Is that normal? Does anyone have any ideas as to what that could be? I’ve never lived with a man before so any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.

jitterscritters: how old is your building? Maybe the metal noise is coming from the outside or something 

• totallycrash: yeah maybe you have a weird hvac system or it could be noise from a radiator?

• nogodsnomasks: didn’t even consider that! I don’t have radiators I will poke around and report back

H3llo!megan323: this is exactly why I would never live with a man

• thedailyjanet: yeah because i’m sure you’d be just absolutely lovely to live with 

• H3llo!megan323: oh fuck off janet

• thedailyjanet:  not my real name! I can just tell you’re a bad person from the vibes you give off

• H3llo!megan323: oh my god no one asked you

thedailyjanet: Have you considered maybe your roommate has ocd? Sometimes people with ocd have compulsions to clean specific things, he might have contamination ocd that's bathroom related. 

• nogodsnomasks: i honestly don’t know if he does, i’ll ask him

• p0kemen834: who cares just tell him to stop being weird

• thedailyjanet: thats incredibly rude and insensitive! Mental illness is not a joke and everyone should be more willing to make accommodations for them

• p0kemen834: fuck off janet

• H3llo!megan323: fuck off janet

gometeors: maybe he’s just a freak, tough. 

• nogodsnomasks: thanks.

Chapter Text

A week into the big move and things were looking up. You'd started work at the parks department for Evergreen and had finally gotten into a comfortable routine. It was a cool Saturday morning, high 60s, sunny! The perfect day to finish unpacking and rope your roommate into hunting for a couch. Your morning was spent meticulously rearranging your DVDs in the media console that Adrian had brought from his mom's house. Apparently she was very excited to get rid of it and purchase a bigger TV. That left your living room almost complete... besides a couch. The lone chair stuck out like a sore thumb in the room, an armless wooden dining room chair with an uncomfortable slatted back. You were sick of it, an apartment was not a home without a couch. Adrian sat in it to watch Fargo like it was an optimum lounging choice but you needed cushions goddammit. You were in the kitchen, pouring yourself a third cup of coffee because there was nothing left to rearrange when Adrian's door opened and he shuffled to the bathroom.

“Oh good you're up!”

He jerked his head to the sound of your voice, eyes focusing in like he'd forgotten it was a weekend and you'd be around today. “Heyyyyyy roomie,” he said nervously and then his eyes darted to the bathroom door. “I have to pee.” The bathroom door slammed shut and he was gone. Okay.

Stirring your coffee slowly, you waited for him to come out of the bathroom. It was 11:30 am on the dot and you really wanted a couch so you could rope Adrian into a movie night. He came out of the bathroom soon after, glasses askew. He was definitely avoiding looking at you as he slid back into his bedroom. You narrowed your eyes at him but waited without comment for him to reappear. A few minutes later he emerged, fully dressed in pants and long sleeves. You’d noticed people around here tended to bust out their shorts and flip flops the moment the sun was visible and temperatures cracked the low 60s, but you’d also learned not to question Adrian’s fashion choices. “So, coffee?”

“No thanks, I got eight hours of sleep which is technically sufficient for adults.”

You nodded, “Well I was thinking we could go buy a couch today.”

“Why would we need a couch we have chair.”

“We have a chair, and it's not even comfortable,” You looked him directly in the eyes while trying to convey stress. “Also there's two of us and only one chair.”

“Well that’s fine. We can just use it at different times. Draft a schedule. Why would you want to hang out with the guy who..” he trailed off like he had remembered something and turned away from you before furiously shuffling through the cabinets. He pulled out an enormous container of quick oats and busied himself with grabbing a pot.

“The guy who, what?” you raised your eyebrows at him as he avoided your gaze entirely.

“The guy who...eats oats for breakfast?” He said, sounding entirely unsure of himself as he started up the electric burner. Adrian's eyes were glued to the water, which was not boiling because it was being watched. Clearly trying to hide something. Or maybe hoping you’d ask more? He seemed agitated but you had no desire to dig into that right now.

“Oats aside, I want to get a couch and you said we should choose one together.” You leaned over trying to catch his eye but his gaze didn't waver.

“I don't know how comfortable I feel with our roommate relationship progressing this quickly,” He said softly to the pot of water. “And quite frankly, I don't know if I'm comfortable with you trying to coerce me into hanging out with you on my day off. I already have a best friend and not to brag but my best friend bracket is pretty full right now.” Finally he turned to look at you and cocked his head to the side while he stated something so incredibly arrogant.

“You know I don't have enough arm strength to move an entire couch up the stairs Adrian,” He had turned back to the water which was still not boiling. “And besides that, what if I get one in a color you don't like?” You smiled as he frowned because you knew you'd got him.

“Fine but I won't enjoy myself!”

“Fine then don’t!” Grabbing your coffee, you planted yourself in the lone chair and sat quietly as you sipped and he made his breakfast. The cabinets opened and closed repeatedly. You heard him opening a frankly absurd amount of bags and cans, adding the ingredients to the oatmeal pot before dumping the whole mess into a bowl. The scrape of a spoon on porcelain made you turn your head. Adrian was standing directly next to the stove, shoveling hot oats into his mouth. “What are you doing?”

Eyebrows raised, mouth full, he turned to look at you, “eating.”

You dramatically rolled your eyes, “Bet you wish you had somewhere to sit down.” He fake mocked you silently because his mouth was full of food. “Just finish eating.”

After a good amount of awkward silence and passive aggressive dish washing, you both made it to the parking lot. Both of you started off towards your own cars, “Where are you going?” you asked each other at the same time.

“Uh? My car? You are the one forcing me to come on this adventure so obviously I'm going to drive,” Adrian stated while putting his hands on his hips.

“The Sebring is not going to fit a couch in it, be real.”

“Well your wagon isn't going to fit a couch in it either.”

“It has a much higher chance than your car Adrian.”

“Maybe you're a bad driver,” He shook his head at you and started gesturing wildly. “Maybe you speed, which is illegal by the way. Don't you know how dangerous that is in this town?”

“Speeding is dangerous regardless? What are you even talking about right now?”

“The cars!” He threw his arms up wildly over his head, you had no idea why he was being so difficult when he had told you multiple times this week that he wanted to buy a couch together. Now he was just standing there, leaning slightly towards you, unblinking as you watched the wheels move in his brain. He was acting like a child. 

“I’m going in my car to buy a couch, come or don’t.” You turned and stalked off to your car, an older beat up Subaru wagon. You bought it figuring it would help you blend in. The sea of outdoor SUVs in Washington affirmed this decision but also meant parking lots became a car camouflage hellscape. Barely waiting for the chirp of the car unlocking, you yanked open the door and threw yourself down in the driver's seat. Immediately fumbling around under the steering wheel to shove the keys in, you missed that Adrian had followed you until he huffily got into the passenger seat. He sighed loudly and buckled up while you started the car. 

“Hey!” He practically yelled at you as the engine roared to life. “Click it or ticket!” 

You turned to face him, a customer service death stare plastered upon your face, and buckled up. Neither of you broke eye contact for a long minute. You knew the staring contest was hostile on your end but this somehow seemed like a normal interaction for him. “Happy?”

“Yes. Driving is extremely dangerous and I for one will be very upset if you are driving illegally without a seatbelt on and we get into a horrific car accident and you fly through the windshield and get all cut up and bloody with your bones popping out of your skin and die in a pool of blood in front of me.”  He hadn’t broken eye contact with you but as he spoke got this unsettling glint in his eyes as if he was imaging that exact scenario in extreme detail. 

“How descriptive,” you said sarcastically before breaking eye contact and looking at your phone to start typing in the address to the furniture store. Without looking at him again, you turned to start backing up the car and made a point to exaggerate your mirror and blind spot checks. You were a great driver goddamnit. The entire drive it felt like he was just staring at you with that weird look in his eyes. You didn’t want to relent and actually look at his face but you could see him turned towards you in your peripheral vision. The radio was quietly playing in the background and after a minute of silence from him, you cranked it. Some random pop song was playing but it was enough noise to drown out the unease you felt from being in this close of a space with him. 

After a twenty minute drive to the next town over you made it to the store. Halfway through the drive Adrian had excitedly started rambling about a billboard he saw but you were not having it so you’d tuned him out. The two of you got out of the car and started heading towards the sliding glass doors, “So roomie what kind of couch are we looking for? A two seater? Three?” he sounded so normal and excited despite the fact that he fought you on coming, which was annoying to you. “Can it be teal? I love teal and I think it would look really good with all the posters we have in the living room, plus it would totally match your beat up coffee table and-”

“Don’t dog on my coffee table man,” You replied as you both walked through the doors. You weren’t even sure if he’d heard your comment because as you turned, intending on picking a fight about the coffee table, you realized he was gone. Suddenly you were alone, lost in the sea of chairs and fake rooms that littered the sales floor of the warehouse. How did he even get inside so fast? Guess you were on your own to find a couch within your budget, he hadn’t even said if he was going to contribute to the cost. You took a deep breath and headed to the couch section, trying to see if there was an “as-is” or clearance section before resigning yourself to wandering the rows with your measuring tape. Every piece of furniture that looked promising was either way too big for the living room or insanely expensive. Just your luck.

You were rounding another fake wall to see if maybe you’d stumble upon a hidden trove of modestly priced sofas, when you spotted him. Lounging on a vibrant teal couch, leg thrown over the armrest like he already owned it, Adrian was laying with his head back and eyes closed. Skeptical of the scene playing out before you (he was being so casual now?) you walked up to him and in disbelief asked, “What are you doing?”

His eyes snapped open at the sound of your voice, “You found me! Look, I found the perfect couch isn’t it amazing! It’s the perfect color and it's soooo comfortable,” He sat up and patted the seat his head had been lying on a second earlier. “Here come see!” 

Deciding to humor him, you took a seat where he had patted. You had to hand it to him, the couch was really comfortable. What you did not expect was him throwing his head back down and into your lap and sighing contentedly. “See? Wouldn’t this be perfect for movie night? I think we should watch-” 

A heat spread up through your cheeks from the unexpected closeness and before you could register your actions you had pushed him off you. An aggressive “off you” which also meant “off the couch entirely and onto the cold concrete of the showroom floor”. He hit the ground face down with a groan. You jumped up immediately in a panic. “Oh my god! I am so sorry! I did not mean to push you that hard,” you crouched down to him as he lifted his head up to look at you. 

“I didn’t think you had the strength to push me like that,” He groaned as he rolled over and started attempting to stand up. “Unhhh fuck! Now my head hurts and my shoulderrr. This is totally gonna mess with my vigi- second job uggghhhhhh,” he was being incredibly loud as he complained, drawing the attention of a few other shoppers nearby. It was such a performance, you started to doubt the sincerity. But you couldn’t exactly tell him to calm down, after being the one to shove him to the ground. You reached out to help him up and he pulled on your hand with way more force than you expected, nearly making you both fall. Once he righted himself and helped you to get your balance, he straightened his crooked glasses and grinned at you. You returned his grin, “So can we get it?”

Holding up the measuring tape you quickly moved to the back of the couch, beginning to take the dimensions. Adrian’s eyes were locked onto you, unblinking and uncontained glee in his gaze. You read the number and frowned a little before sheepishly looking up and breaking the news, “This is not going to fit in the living room.”

“UGHHHHHHHHHH,” god he was so loud. It felt like his exclamation echoed off the walls and empty ceilings of the warehouse, you tried to bite back your embarrassment as people turned towards the noise. “Why are you red?”

“Because you are so loud.”

“What does me being loud have to do with you blushing?” He sounded so confused as if he couldn’t see the other shoppers giving you both side eyes. Before he could continue and embarrass you more you heard a voice from behind you.

“Hi, do you guys need any help with anything?” The sales lady was smiling politely and looking in between the two of you.

“I really want this couch because it's the perfect color but apparently,” he glared at you. “It’s too big to fit in our apartment.”

“Oh,” she cooed while sending you a knowing smile. “Are you shopping for your first apartment together?”

“Yes.”

“NO!”

“What are you talking about? We’ve never lived together before. First apartment together. You’re sure you’re not the one who just faceplanted into the floor?” Adrian was looking at you incredibly confused, incapable apparently of realizing the insinuation of the sales person's question.

“We’re just roommates, but yes it's for our first apartment together,” You blurted out as the sales lady’s eyes flew between you two with a smile frozen on her face. Of course Adrian, hearing this, had to add some commentary to the situation.

“Ohh, we’re not significant others if that’s what you're implying. I mean, I personally have never had a partner, but I have people who are significant in my life who are others, but it’s not them. My friend Leota, who is like my third-no- fourth best friend, is a lesbian I think and she always calls her wife her partner so I’m pretty sure that’s the correct term. But no we are not dating, we are just roommates.” He stood, arms crossed after his statement and looked at you, beet red and mouth agape. The sales lady was standing still with a far away look in her eye.

“Do you have any other couches in this color?” you asked her quietly, like your meekness could compensate for his brass statement. She turned her full body to you, relieved that you were the one she could address.

“Unfortunately we don’t have any more in this color that are smaller than this size, but we have some blue ones.”

“Please lead the way.” 

She brought you both into another section and was able to find a nice blue settee that was the perfect size. Somehow you’d missed it during your first pass through the section, but it was basically perfect. Adrian moaned a bit about how it wasn’t the perfect color, but once he heard how expensive it would be to get it custom made in teal he shut up. You checked out while he continued to wander around the store, touching all the lamps because it “was like a moth” and he “wondered if it was as fun as they made it look”. You collected him from one of the showrooms and walked back to your car.

“Wait, don't we have to go get the couch to put into your car?” He asked while spinning in a circle to find a loading dock on the outside of the building.

“Apparently any couch larger than a loveseat they have to deliver, so it’s getting brought over in their truck later.”

“So what you’re saying is… we could have taken my car?” he sounded so smug you had to take a breath before getting into the car. 

“Yes we could have.” 

The drive home was uneventful, with Adrian switching between the radio stations every time an ad or a song he didn’t like came on. Once back at the apartment you told him what time the truck was going to be there to deliver the couch and went to lay down. It was only mid afternoon but you were so annoyed you needed some time alone. You lost track of time reading a book that you had put off for way too long and by the time you came out of your room to make sure the couch was actually getting delivered, Adrian and a random man were shoving it through the door. 

“Hey where do you want this,” the delivery man called out to you. Adrian turned his head immediately and broke out into a grin.

“Oh hey roomie! You’re up! I wasn’t sure if you were sleeping or something.”

“You can just put it here,” you gestured to where the chair was currently and rushed to move it so they’d have space. Both men were able to put it in the exact spot without scraping it along the floor. The delivery man rushed out almost immediately after having you sign a form. Poor guy, he’s probably had to listen to Adrian ramble the whole time they unloaded the couch.

“It’s pretty good right? Pretty perfect!” Adrian said while flopping himself down on it. “This is gonna be so great for movie night tonight! The distance from the TV is almost close enough that I could take my glasses off and still kind of see what's happening!” 

“How’d you know I wanted to do a movie night tonight?” you looked at him suspiciously while sitting down next to him. 

“You mentioned you wanted a movie night when I brought the TV over and since we’re both off tonight and you were so insistent on getting a couch I figured you meant tonight.” His head was laid on the back of the couch and he rolled it over to face you, “So does that mean I get to choose the movie?”

“Sure.” 

Chapter Text

u/nogodsnomasks

Hey guys, I posted here a few days ago about my roommate who keeps incessantly bleaching the bathroom and I have an update. When I talked to him about it he said he just “values cleanliness” and feels that “because we poop in there the surfaces need to be disinfected often”. I also asked if he has ocd and he said no and seemed offended that I asked. But that’s not the real problem, the random metal scraping noise is happening every night between like 2-4am and it is DEFINITELY coming from his bedroom. I took the advice of other commenters and checked the HVAC system but it’s not the vent or anything else. Otherwise I'd be hearing it constantly I feel. Also there's nothing against the back of the building that could be scraping making the noise. It only happens when he gets back from working his night shift, does anyone have ANY idea about what it is he could be doing? It's freaking me out and I don’t want to confront him about it. 

centralpity: ok i checked your other post, you said it sounded like he’s sharpening knives?

• nogodsnomasks: yes it's the weirdest thing, like loud scraping metal noises? And only at night
• centralpity:  maybe you need to check his bedroom? I have no ideas as to what that could be besides like some weird bedframe or something?
• nogodsnomasks: what do you mean weird bedframe thing?
• coffeeslUt45: maybe it’s a kink thing
• nogodsnomasks: ?????????

thestupidgreenlantern: maybe this guy is just actually sharpening knives in his bedroom in the middle of the night lol

• blargus: why would he be doing that if he wasn’t some kind of serial killer

• nogodsnomasks: I dont think hes a serial killer he won’t even kill spiders

• thedailyjanet: it’s always the ones you don't expect…. Also your username is offensive to green lanterns

• thestupidgreenlantern: I didn’t even say which green lantern it is, there has to be at least one stupid one. How is that offensive?

• thedailyjanet: It's offensive because the green lanterns literally risk their lives for our planet and you’re calling them stupid? Even the stupidest green lantern is probably smarter than you

• thestupidgreenlantern:  so….. You admit there has to be a stupid one? Also fuck off its not like they’re jesus or something

• thedailyjanet:  I did NOT say there’s a stupid green lantern. I said whichever one is the least intelligent of the group is still smarter than YOU! Learn to read!!!!!!!!!!!! 

oli_oli_oxen_free: DM me…. I would like to discuss this with you

• blargus: that’s not creepy at all lol

• thedailyjanet: BOT

vigilantelov3r1: maybe he’s a vigilante

• nogodsnomasks: I highly doubt that
• twing33ks: I just checked your post history, you say that about literally everyone

• vigilantelov3r1: and one day I will be right.

thedailyjanet: the only way to truly know is to just ask him

• thestupidgreenlantern: if he’s a serial killer that is gonna get them killed, don’t listen to janet 

• nogodsnomasks: I really don’t think he is but I also don’t want to ask him about it because what if its a kink thing

• Supermanharemgirl1: then you better be ready to pony up and fuck him

• thedailyjanet: asking him will not get you killed I promise also what the fuck

• thestupidgreenlantern: you literally don’t know that metropolis dweller

• thedailyjanet: How do you know I live in metropolis huh? Maybe I don't

• thestupidgreenlantern: fuck off janet
• H3llo!megan323: fuck offf janet!
• thedailyjanet: I will block you megan

Chapter Text

It was Friday night. Your second full week in Evergreen had ended and you finally felt settled in. Time to see what the night life of a medium sized town was like. Adrian swore he would go out with you that night, claiming his second job wouldn’t care if he was tipsy or not. You doubted that, but it wasn’t your employment on the line. Plus you were certain a few people from your work would be out and that you would be able to join them if this second job called and he needed to bail. Whatever the job was, the hours were wildly unpredictable. You were really liking Evergreen so far. You loved your job; loved working outside surrounded by the trees, the fresh air, the lush PNW greenery. The apartment was better than you hoped and your roommate was growing on you despite his quirks. You worked opposite schedules so you didn’t see much of him anyways and he kept the place spotless. What more could you ask for? The only thing you needed now was community. You wanted to meet people outside of work and figured the best way would be to meet Adrian's friends and branch out from there. At first you weren’t sure he really had much of a social life, so you were excited when he said his best friend would be joining you at the bar. 

The two of you headed out around 7:30, the sun hanging low in the sky and threatening to dip below the hills that surrounded the area. The bar was only about a five block walk from the apartment, which was a relief. Now Adrian's rant on how drinking and driving was illegal could only last for about ten minutes. His pace quickened as you entered the parking lot of a small building with covered windows. He was practically buzzing with excitement as he opened the door and ushered you inside. The door had barely begun to swing shut before Adrian made a beeline for the beefiest dude in the place. You trailed after him, eyes slowly adjusting to the dimmed lighting of the dive bar. As you approached the table you heard him moaning, “-not fair you guys came together! You’re not even best friends!” He spun suddenly, almost knocking into you, apparently unaware you had followed him to the table.

“Oh hey roomie! This is my best friend P- Chris,” He gestured to the beefy guy, who gave you a curt smile. “And this is my fourth best friend, Adebayo.”

“You can call me Leota,” the beautiful black woman smiled warmly at you, “and you are?” When you told her she smiled wider, and somehow got even more beautiful. “That’s a great name, you can come sit next to me.” She scooched the stool next to her out and you slid into it. The boys vanished, presumably to go get more beer from the bar. You sat quietly next to Leota, trying to wrap your head around Adrian knowing such a gorgeous woman. “So Chris says Adrian says,  you’re new to Evergreen?” she asked politely before taking a sip of the beer in front of her.

“Yeah I just moved here two weeks ago,” you gave her a shy smile. “I really like it so far, I’ve always wanted to live in Washington. I love trees.” 

“Well there are plenty of them around here.”

“Haha yeah,” You were way more flustered than you expected. Somehow you didn’t expect Adrian to have hot friends. “So…. are you from Evergreen?”

She snorted, “Fuck no. I’m from Gotham, moved out here for temp work a few months ago and just haven’t found my way back.”

“Oh… I’ve heard Gotham is… nice?” 

“It’s ok, I know Gotham isn’t everyone’s vibe. You can just say you like smaller cities and leave it at that,” she laughed at you. “So what’s it like? Living with Adrian.” You both turned your heads to find Chris and the man in question at the bar. They were trying to get the bartender's attention. Well Chris was trying to get her attention, Adrian was attempting to get Chris to look at something on his phone. 

“It’s fine, he’s ..” You tried to think of a word other than nice to describe him and couldn’t. Why was your mind floundering so badly right now?

“He’s Adrian.”

“He definitely is.” You looked over and both of you broke out into a grin. She was definitely his friend. Leota and you sat in a comfortable silence. A comfortable silence you were trying not to make weird by staring for too long. Thankfully the boys soon reappeared with a round of drinks. You were grateful for the beer and even more thankful to have people at the table. You took a steadying sip and thanked Adrian for grabbing the round. 

“You know I didn’t notice when you first walked in but you have a great ass,” Chris said matter-of-factly. He looked you directly in the eyes and toasted his beer before taking a sip.

“Chris!”

“What?” Leota was staring him down, but Chris didn’t blink. “It’s a fucking compliment.”

“What have I told you about commenting on people’s bodies?” She scolded him, reaching over to whack the back of his head. 

“It’s a fact, you could look over right now and see for yourself. Go ahead. Look.”

You blushed and stared down at the table. You should have expected something like this from Adrian’s friends, based on how Adrian himself acted. “Well, I understand why you and Adrian are best friends now.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Chris furrowed his eyebrows before drinking more beer. What was wrong with this guy? Was he already buzzed or something? 

“Yeah! What is that supposed to mean huh?” Adrian chimed in to your left, you scrambled to say something before he elaborated.

“Social interactions are not your strong suit,” you suddenly felt emboldened, “actually you’re both pretty fucking terrible at them”. You laughed as their expressions shifted from confused to angry. Leota smirked into her drink.

“I’m great at social interactions!” Chris was clearly trying and failing not to yell, “I’m so fucking good at social interactions I have them all day! Do you know how many public speaking engagements I’ve booked? Fuck!” 

Leota was trying not to laugh now, eyes looking up at the ceiling and lips pressed tightly together. Adrian on the other hand,  had launched on some tangent about a social interaction Chris had recently which proved how good he was at talking to people. It was something about a show-and-tell, but you didn’t catch most of it. You ended up just drinking your beer and nodding along as everyone pretended to listen to Adrian. You felt bad but sometimes it was just easier to let him talk something out to himself. Eventually the conversation broke into two. Chris and Adrian talking about something in low tones while you and Leota casually discussed your jobs. She complained that her temp work was over and it was difficult to get back on her feet. Apparently she had been a whistleblower for some messed up shit the company she had worked for was doing.

“Wow, being a whistleblower is kind of cool though. Brave.”

“Yeah it would be cooler if it didn’t fuck over all my job opportunities and my life.” She finished her beer and shook it at Adrian. He jumped up to go get another one, genuinely excited to have a task.

“I mean I’d rather have no job and have my morals then have no morals and a job.”

“It is kind of respectable in a way. What do you do?”

“Oh I work for the parks department,” Leota raised her eyebrows and nodded for you to continue. “I mean so far it’s just like picking up trash and mowing the grass but they let me use the chainsaw to cut tree limbs hanging over the park paths the other day!”

“Do not let Adrian hear you get to use a chainsaw,” she warned.

“What’s that about a chainsaw?” Adrian appeared over your shoulder, holding a beer out to Leota and eyes locking onto yours, “I’ve always wanted to kill someone with one, it looks so cool!”

“Is it because of the chainsaw murder in Fargo?", you asked plainly. He had made you watch the movie last week as a barely disguised ploy to get you hooked on the show.

“Yes!! Wasn’t it awesome how the blood and guts splattered everywhere when it went through them! It would be so cool, but running around with a chainsaw is not practical and people would definitely remember a guy with a bloody chainsaw and Harcourt didn’t let-” He cut off suddenly like he remembered something he wasn’t supposed to say.  

Leota and Chris both burst out laughing, clearly there was a joke you weren’t in on but you decided not to mind being left out. Adrian started laughing with them, way louder than necessary before he turned back to you, “Wait why are you talking about chainsaws?”

“I was talking about…the logging industry?” You looked at Leota out of the corner of your eye and she nodded.

“Oh that’s not that fun. Deforestation is a bitch,” He looked down at his hands, still holding the beers he had retrieved. “Anyways, here.” He distributed them and sat back down while Chris and Leota started talking about the former's dating life. 

“Sooo roomie,” Adrian turned towards you. “Isn’t this place amazing?”

“Yeah it’s pretty good for a dive bar.” 

“I think you mean it’s pretty GREAT for a dive bar,” He cocked his head to the side with a smug little grin on his face. “And they play totally awesome music and sometimes there’s babes here.” 

“Speaking of babes,” Chris suddenly cut in. “There’s one over there. I'm gonna go work some magic.” He shoved his stool away from the high top and made his way towards a woman in a low cut top. 

“Oh! I’ll wingman!” Adrian followed in a hurry.

“Are they always like that?” You asked Leota as you watched Adrian cut in on Chris getting the woman's attention.

“Weirdly codependent? Yes.” She smiled looking a little lost in thought, “I don’t think Chris minds that much though, he likes feeling admired and Adrian never gets mad at Chris losing his temper. It’s good for his ego.” You both laugh. You continued making easy conversation. Leota was really cool. Her eyes were kind and her smile easy. About ten minutes later Adrian came back over to the table. Chris was closing his tab but the woman was nowhere in sight. He had clearly struck out and was gazing moodily across the bar. 

“Me and Chris are going to another bar so we can have a totally crazy night fucking bitches and taking names! Byeeeeeee,” he waved aggressively at the two of you before going off to pay his tab and leave. You were a little shocked by his choice of words, Adrian had never talked like that since you’d met him. Chris had a very odd influence on him. Leota just rolled her eyes before reaching out to take Chris’ untouched beer. 

“I’m gonna text my friend Emilia and let her know the idiots aren’t here anymore if you want to keep hanging out.” She pulled her phone out and started texting furiously, “I think you’ll really like her, she's all tough on the outside but she’s lovable.”

“I’d love to meet her if you don’t mind me crashing your hangout.”

“Psssh if anything she’s crashing our hangout.”

A new song started up on jukebox and the two of you swayed jokingly in your seats. Passing the time with more beer and conversation, waiting for Emilia to arrive. You didn’t notice when she came in, but suddenly a blonde woman was approaching your table, balancing a beer and several shots in her hands. Leota squealed and jumped up to give her a hug. The woman navigated the embrace without spilling a single drop of alcohol. She had a calm, but also strangely imposing demeanor.

“Hey Em! How you been!” 

“I’m here aren’t I,” the blonde said, pulling away from the hug to look at you. “This is Adrian’s new roommate?”

“Yes, nice to meet you Emilia.”

She took the seat next to Leota, the one Chris had abandoned after striking out. “I brought tequila shots because it’s been a fucked up week and I want to party,” she stated before gesturing to each of you to take one. You all toasted to sentiment of needing to fucking party. The tequila burned more than expected, leaving you and Leota gasping and coughing. Emilia tried to keep a straight face but her lips slightly puckered and one eyelid fluttered. She turned to Leota, “Thank god the idiots left so quickly, I wanted to go out earlier with you rather than later.” 

“I like that you call them ‘the idiots’,” you laughed. She turned to look at you, sizing you up before taking a swig of beer to wash down the tequila.

“It’s because they’re idiots! And ‘incompetent assholes’ is a mouthful. I don’t know how you can stand to live with Adrian.” 

“They are idiots, but he’s not that bad. Just a little.. much,” They both raised their eyebrows like they couldn’t believe that was all. “We work basically opposite schedules though so I don’t see him that much.”

“See now that makes sense,” Emilia smiled before she continued. “You have to tell us the weirdest thing he’s done.” 

“Well… and this is gonna sound really weird,” they both nodded at you to continue. “I swear I keep hearing him like, sharpening a knife or something in his bedroom at night. Like what is that about?”

“He’s probably sharpening a knife in his bedroom at night.” Leota said completely straight faced. 

“Is he… into knives?” 

Emilia laughed and turned her head away, “yeah, you could say he’s a knife guy.” The way she said it sounded like “a nice guy” and you joined in on the laughter. 

“That’s fucking weird dude,” you said taking a swig of beer. Somehow you had finished another bottle. “At least I'm not going insane, I was thinking it was a kink thing.”

“A kink thing??” Leota burst out, “What about the sound of scraping metal made you think of sex? Did you think he was a robosexual? Were Optimus Prime and the Terminator getting it on with Adrian in the cuck chair?”

“I literally don’t know,” you could feel your cheeks heating up and couldn’t tell if it was from embarrassment or the slight buzz building up in your body. “I was just trying to come up with something that wasn’t knives. I’m going to get another beer, you guys want anything?”

“Shots!” Emilia said excitedly and Leota nodded in agreement. You snapped a salute and headed to the bar for another beer and three more shots of that gasoline tequila. As you waited you looked around the bar. The ceiling was covered in posters and random biker memorabilia, clashing with the decidedly suburban clientele. It was just small enough to be cozy but big enough to not feel cramped. It was nice, and Adrian was right- they did play good music. You were glad he’d let you tag along. The bartender returned and you decided to open up a tab. Given how the night was going, you thought you might be here awhile. Carefully balancing the shots and beer, you headed back over to the table.

“Shots!” you exclaimed, setting them in the middle and slipping back into your seat. 

“Cheers to you moving here!” Leota declared, plucking one of the glasses off the table and clinking it against the others.

“Cheers to you being normal!” Emilia clinked hers in return and immediately threw it back.

“Cheers to meeting you guys,” you said, bracing yourself before shooting it. The taste has not improved, but it did make talking easier. They were so different when they spoke to each other, it was kind of fun to just sit and watch, which you did for a while. Swaying with the music and drinking while they laughed at inside jokes, it wasn’t a bad way to spend the night. Eventually the bartender came over with a round of shots, courtesy of a man sitting alone at the bar. When you turned to look, he winked at Emilia. She rolled her eyes while Leota elbowed her but you all took the shots anyway. After the second round of shots from the same man the night started to blur. You danced, you drank more, and suddenly you were outside assuring Leota and Emilia that you were ok to get home, even as the world spun around you.

“‘Ss only like five blocks and I walked,” you slurred as you tried to keep your eyes focused on them. “The airs is cool and I like just ate a fry.”

“Okay but be careful. Public intoxication is a crime!” Emilia blurted out before they both looked at each other pointedly and broke out into giggles. You waved them off and headed towards your apartment. The more you walked, the more the streets began to spin. Oh god, the nausea. You began sucking in air in short, concentrated bursts. If it worked for labor, it would work to get you home. It was fine, you were fine. The trees were beautiful and the moon was out, this was a lovely night for a drunk walk home. You were indeed fine until you reached the steps of your apartment building. It was a struggle to climb them, and you had to stop every few steps to suck more air into your lungs. You hoped the coolness would cure the effects of being drunk. No dice. The spinning intensified as you dug your keys out of your pocket and slammed them into the lock. Your full weight pressed against the door and time started to lose meaning. You had no idea how long you spent struggling to open the door but eventually you heard the lock click. If you were less drunk you would have noticed the trail of blood leading from Adrian's room to the bathroom, but at the moment you just needed to sit down. Flopping on the couch was sweet relief until the spinning screeched to a halt and the nausea  rose intensely in your throat. 

Your eyes snapped open and you were suddenly moving, crashing over to the bathroom but finding the door locked. “Adrian? Lemme in, ineedto-” Your words slurring badly as you tried to hold back your vomit, hands slipping against the bloody doorknob.

The panicked voice of your roommate sounded from the other side of the door, “Don’t come in!”

You were too out of it to fully comprehend what he was saying, instead choosing to violently jiggle the door handle. “I needa fucking puke let me innnnnn!”

“Occupied!!”

You could feel the bile rising in the back of your throat and he wasn’t letting you into the damn bathroom. You turned, desperately searching for somewhere to vomit. Your eyes locked on the kitchen trash can. You stumbled over, threw the lid open, and prayed that your aim was true before a night's worth of bad decisions spewed out of your throat.

The morning light pierced like daggers as you opened your eyes. Gaining consciousness was torture and had you wondering how you the hell you had made it home last night and into your bed. Your mouth was dry and moving was proving difficult, every smidgeon of movement sending waves of nausea through you. You laid entirely still for a few minutes, letting the smell of coffee from the living room gently coax you back into the world and out of your bed. You were? In clothes that were definitely not your pajamas, a random t-shirt and shorts? Whatever. Opening the door to the living almost caused you to vomit directly on the floor as the smell of bleach assaulted your nose. Bleach and coffee did not smell good together. It brought back memories of the gasoline tequila.

“Good morning roomie! Happy to see you alive after last night,” Adrian said cheerfully as you pressed your hand over your mouth and nose and stumbled into the kitchen. He was wearing a red t-shirt with some kind of bird thing sewed into a yellow hexagon. It was kind of cute, and it was definitely homemade. “I was really concerned for a minute there last night, I found you totally passed out in vomit. Hopefully your own”

“What?” your voice muffled behind your hand as you tried to reach for a mug while keeping one hand firmly clamped across your mouth, “I’m so sorry Adrian I don't even remember getting home last night.”

“It was a little difficult to get you cleaned up, you get fighty when you're drunk.” His head tilted towards you, glasses glinting in the light. He was trying his best to look concerned. 

You froze as the words registered through the fog of your addled brain, “Wait, did you put me in these clothes?”

“Yeah, you really fought me about getting undressed,” he said casually.

Your cheeks flushed. So that’s why you were in clothes that were neither the clothes you wore last night nor your pajamas. Your focus was so dedicated to pouring coffee it took you a second to realise the more pressing matter, “WAIT!” you spun to face him, the heat rushing to more than just your cheeks now. “Adrian, did you see me naked?”

“No, your underwear were clean so I didn’t need to remove them.” He said it so matter of factly, “The rest of your clothes though? It was like that scene in the Exorcist with the pea soup, a total mess.” You were speechless, the shock clearly visible on your face because he just kept going. “Don’t worry though, falling down and being incoherent and covered in vomit is totally not attractive to me so I wasn’t even trying to look at your goods.The fighting was kind of hot though. I can always look some other time if you need…. An opinion? But I did not see anything last night.”

Halfway through this weird attempt to ‘defuse’ the situation you had buried your head in your hands. How were you supposed to look at him after he had seen you that belligerent? You couldn’t even recall the last time you had been drunk. When you gathered enough composure to peek through your fingers, you found him smiling at you. “Why are you smiling about that,” you groaned.

“That was totally a roommate bonding moment, like a classic story. One person gets too drunk, the other helps them get cleaned up and cleans their clothes and the vomit that was all over the floor. Now they’re one step closer to being besties,” he was practically singing at you with excitement. “Think about how great this will be to reminisce about later”. You figured if he was going to be so calm about it you should be too, but the hangover was not mixing well with the embarrassment. They both made you feel like vomiting again.

“Thank you, really, but I’m too embarrassed to look at you right now.” You dropped your hands from your face and playfully pushed him out of your way. He immediately winced and groaned a little. 

You withdrew your hand quickly. “Sorry didn’t mean to push you that hard. I’m going to go lay down.” 

He gave you a thumbs up and a pained smile as you practically ran to your room. The first thing you did was close the blinds so the sun would stop assaulting your eyes and then slid back into bed. As you did, you accidentally knocked something off the foot of the mattress. You leaned over to see what it was. Huh. Your clothes from last night were vomit free and folded, now upside down on the floor.

Chapter Text

u/nogodsnomasks

Ok this is going to sound weird but stay with me. My roommate is kind of a weirdo, but the past two days he’s been being SO dramatic about a papercut he got. Like to the point he’s refusing to do dishes in case it ‘gets infected’ and like moaning and complaining about it constantly. Which whatever, he's a man, but the thing is i’m pretty sure he got stabbed or something this weekend? He keeps favoring his right side when he’s walking and I caught him changing bloody bandages yesterday when he forgot to lock the bathroom door. He told me he fell off his bike but I know for a fact he doesn’t have one. Also a bike accident would not result in a wound that deep, what do I do? Do I confront him or just mind my business? 

snart: i mean if he did get stabbed maybe he just doesnt want you to know

• nogodsnomasks: yeah but why complain about a papercut instead of just being like ow my side hurts or something

• snart: he’s probably deflecting to complaining to something else

• nogodsnomasks: i guess that makes sense, he is a complainer

metamoomin: wait you think he got mugged or something? Did he report it to the police?

• nogodsnomasks: i have no idea what happened that’s why i dont know if i should say something or not

• metamoomin: you could check the police blotter and see if there’s any reported muggings that night

• nogodsnomasks: the what

• metamoomin: the police blotter? In the newspaper?

• nogodsnomasks: I dont get a newspaper

• oli_oli_oxen_free: there have been no mugging which would align with the timeline nor the description of OPs roommate in the Evergreen newspapers. 

• nogodsnomasks: how do you know where i live? I didn’t give a description??

vigilantelov3r1: wait is this the knife guy?

• pacemaker: the what

• vigilantelov3r1: I checked their profile, it is! This guy is totally a vigilante

• nogodsnomasks: I don’t think he’s a vigilante bro

• vigilantelov3r1: why else would he have gotten stabbed and then try to hide it from you?

• H3llo!megan323: because he got mugged and is embarrassed? 

• nogodsnomasks: i feel that’s the more likely option

thedailyjanet: if you really think he’s been injured you should definitely ask him about it, he could need help or worse you could both be in danger from another attack

• H3llo!megan323: or worse! Janet could comment on your post

• thedailyjanet: mods report her for bullying

• H3llo!megan323: that’s literally not bullying. 

• thedailyjanet: yes it is! You are launching a targeted harassment campaign against me

terrificmister: if he wanted to let you know what was happening, he would. You don’t sound close. Stay out of it.

• nogodsnomasks: finally some helpful advice

• terrificmister: happy to be of service. 

Chapter Text

The apartment was quiet when you returned, feet dragging, exhausted after a long day. You found solace in the knowledge it was Thursday, you just had to get through tomorrow. It was strange, the silence, strange that Adrian wasn’t talking your ear off immediately upon your arrival. He’d texted earlier to say he would be home tonight, so maybe you two could have a movie night. The unlikely quiet was welcome though given your drained state. You pulled off your boots in the wooden chair and then headed to your room to change out of work clothes. You knew you really should shower but could not tolerate the thought of standing any longer; you’d do it before bed. After swapping your work clothes for a t- shirt and some cargo pants you headed into the kitchen.  You opened the fridge and gazed into it, feeling the decision paralysis setting in. Why was planning and making dinner such a constant daily hassle? Adrian didn’t have that problem. His shelves in the fridge were fully stocked with identical meal prep containers full of unseasoned chicken, rice and broccoli. It was very brave of him to eat basically the same thing everyday, but you wondered how he managed it without getting bored. He claimed it helped to keep his body in "vengeance shape”, whatever that meant. 

After a few minutes of contemplation, dread, and stomach rumbles, you gave in to the temptation that was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Was it a “proper” dinner? No, but it certainly was food.  You brought the pseudo-meal into your room to eat, a bad habit but you wanted a little peace at your desk before your roommate returned. Passing the window in your room you saw something moving outside that drew your attention; Adrian was dragging a body into the woods. What the fuck? 

Your body froze, the sandwich stalled at your lips. For a moment you considered turning away and forgetting you saw anything. Instead you risked a second glance. Oh thank god. It wasn’t a body, just one of those mannequins from a clothing store. Your whole body relaxed and again you considered turning away. You probably didn’t want to know what he was doing. Nevertheless, you ended up standing there at the window, eating your sandwich and watching him drag the mannequin into the trees. He reappeared to retrieve a black duffle bag and then didn’t return. After a few minutes of watching the trees sway softly in the wind you sat down at your desk. Your phone buzzed. 

Adrian: come to the woods

You: ominous 

You stuffed the rest of your sandwich in your mouth in a rush, turns out you really did want to know what he was up to. You slipped on some sandals, locked the front door, and bounded down the stairs. Rounding the side of the building, you spotted Adrian standing at the edge of the woods, grinning widely. The sword ferns were brushing his shins, birds chattering pleasantly in the woods behind him. He looked ready to lead a lovely nature hike, but the previous scene had tainted the picturesque image.

“Hey roomie!” he called out, waving you over. 

“Hey Adrian…," you looked behind him in the woods, the mannequin from earlier nowhere in sight. “What’s up?”

“How do you feel about crows?” He was looking very intensely at your face, searching for any hint of dishonesty in your answer. It was absolutely not the question that you had expected from him.

“They’re very intelligent birds. Um, they’re spooky? I like that a group of them is called a murder.”

“Great answer!” He reached out and grabbed your wrist, hauling you off into the woods. The ground was slightly squishy from all the pine needles and moss, and dragging you by the wrist wasn’t helping with the precarious footing. 

“I’ll just follow, you don't have to drag me,” you told him angrily as you yanked your arm from his grasp and waved him off when he reached for you again. It ended up being a short, rather peaceful walk. Five minutes through the forest and you reached the base of the hill behind your apartment. He was surprisingly quiet the whole time, seemingly preoccupied by the surprise he had in store. 

As you approached a small clearing, Adrian’s arm shot out to halt your progress, his other hand pointing across the space. The mannequin from before was posed in the center of the glade, now dressed in a police uniform. He stepped out and raised up his right arm. Wait when did he put on gloves? Ok what the hell was this? After a few moments of silence, a crow burst from the treeline and flew right to his hand. How did he know it was there? Wait, crows didn’t just come when called, had he trained this crow? What did the crow have to do with the mannequin??? You knew Adrian was a little odd, but this really took the cake. Dumbfounded, you watched him dig a peanut out of his pants pocket and present it with a gloved hand to the bird.

“Meet Crowy!” The crow was eating the peanut out of his free hand as he walked over to you. “Isn’t he so cute? I found him with a broken wing when I was just starting out as vi- at my second job and was able to nurse him back to health and set him free again.” 

You had barely heard his little tale of rescue, distracted by the little teal zip tie around the crows leg. It looked like the kind they used for bird migration tagging but this was definitely just a zip tie. “You nursed him back to health? That’s so sweet of you, was the wildlife rescue full or something?”

“Wildlife rescue?”

“Have you never heard of a wildlife rescue?” you looked at him incredulously as he shook his head, “Ok well if you ever find another injured animal you really should take them there first. They have vets and rehab programs and such.”

“I took care of Crowy just fine, he can fly and everything,” The bird started turning its head back and forth and trying to nip at him. Adrian pulled another peanut out of his pocket and held it out before continuing, “Besides now I'm friends with all the crows in the area. I’ve been training them to do… tricks and I want them to be able to recognize you because I trust you.”

You glanced behind him at the mannequin, “Why do they need to know me? What kind of tricks?”

He looked away. If you didn’t know any better, you’d say he’d turned bashfully. “Let’s just say tricks that could get people hurt if they’re a stranger or are being disrespectful to the murder.”

“Uh huh,” your eyes narrowed at him. “Go on then, show me the tricks.”

“Not yet! You are so impatient you know that? You haven’t even said anything to Crowy yet. What did I say about disrespect?!,” he was rooting around in his pocket again. “Here take a peanut and a glove so you can give it to him.” He held his fist out to you, waiting to deposit the peanut into your palm. Crowy was trilling, looking surprisingly at home perched on Adrian’s arm. You accepted the peanut he was still excitedly offering.  Adrian ripped off the glove on his left hand with his teeth and held it out to you. You slid it on, velcroed it shut, and began inspecting the leather fingers. It was a short black glove with a white rectangle on the back. The palm had a different textured fabric sewn around the edges of the fingers. Running your hand across the rectangle on the back revealed a hard plastic piece covered with rough woven fabric that was secured to the leather beneath. What were these? Modified batting gloves maybe? They definitely didn’t look like those gloves bird trainers used. But why the plastic? Today was already going in such a weird direction you decided not to dwell on Adrian’s reasoning too much as you finished inspecting the glove. You flipped your palm up to place the peanut in the center (an action Adrian was unnecessarily pantomiming, bobbing Crowy up and down in the act). There was a slick brown stain splattered on the outer edge of the glove. It almost looked like…

“Adrian… is this blood?” 

He laughed. Loudly. Nervously. “Oh yeah .. uh Crowy is a biter. That’s why you have the glove. I mean why else would there be blood on it ha…” 

“Um. ok.” So the glove was supposed to protect you but it already had a blood stain from bites? You weren’t entirely convinced by his explanation nor the safety of this exercise but held the peanut out flat in your gloved hand anyway. “Hello Crowy”, your voice waivered as you addressed the bird for the first time. Crowy happily plucked the peanut from your hand, surprisingly gentle about the whole affair, and trilled again. Adrian was beaming as you slowly pulled your hand away, still afraid Crowy might have a change of heart and lunge at you. This was a weird experience.

“Now it's time for tricks!” Adrian held his hand out and jiggled it a bit, dislodging the bird from his perch. Crowy spread his wings and took off, gliding up into the cover of the trees. Adrian grabbed your hand and slid the glove off, slipping it back onto his own hand before you could react. Just like that, he was off, walking over to a nearby tree to retrieve something. He hid the item behind his back before proudly presenting his prize: a blue kazoo poorly taped to an airhorn. You stared. He pressed the button on the top of the airhorn creating a shrill, piercing sound that ripped through the woods.

“What the fuck?”

“That’s how I call the crows,” he grinned and then looked up for a second. “If you’re gonna look up, keep your mouth closed.” He looked sideways, directly into your eyes, “Bird shit.” 

“Ew,” you frowned and eyed the frankensteined kazoo horn with annoyance. Adrian was unperturbed and whipped around to face the mannequin, watching as a dark cloud of crows began to gather overhead. To his credit, the monstrosity seemed to work. There were at least fifteen birds visible in the trees, brought over by his kazoo contraption. He raised the device up over his head and three short bursts of the awful noise came screaming out. The crows began to caw loudly and then took turns to swoop down at the mannequin, tearing the uniform jacket with beak and talon, knocking the badge off the shirt. Once the mannequin's outfit was completely shredded, the birds settled once again in the trees, satisfied with the takedown of their plastic foe. You watched Adrian scatter more peanuts on the ground on your side of the clearing. 

“Dude, what the fuck.” You knew this had been your only retort the whole interaction but you simply could not believe that this nerd was spending his time out in the woods teaching crows to attack mannequins.

“Isn’t that so cool? I have other attack patterns that I’ve taught them!” He looked over his shoulder at you with a shit eating grin, glasses glinting in the fading sunlight. “I can get them to attack all at once too! It’s a little difficult to get them to do more than that, but I think with enough time this is really going to become very helpful. The real trick will be getting them to attack other birds. You know, enemy troops.”

“Why on earth? In what situation would crows responding to a kazoo to attack a mannequin be helpful?” You asked incredulously. Seriously, what was he on?

“Not a mannequin, duh. People.”

“In what situation would crows attacking people be helpful?!” You hadn’t meant to screech that last part and took a step away from him to gather yourself. This was ridiculous. You could not fathom a situation in which this would ever be useful. 

“Whoa dude, you sound kind of upset,” he turned to face you. His eyebrows furrowed and he tilted his head while examining your face. “Do you not think the crows are cool?”

“This is fucking insane! Being a crows friend and nursing it back to health to release it is one thing, but training a legion of Evergreen crows to attack people based on a kazoo is another! What are you going to do if they attack a kid with a kazoo or something?!” You had abandoned your attempts at civility now and were full on yelling at him in the middle of the woods. Why were you even still out here with this crazy man?

“They wouldn’t be triggered by a random kazoo, that's why I use specific patterns.” He crossed his arms, head still cocked to the side, “Plus there’s loads of situations where having trained crows is helpful. That’s why I brought you out here, so they would never attack you if one of those situations arose. You never truly know when you’re gonna need to get someone's eyes pecked out.” Why was he always saying shit like this so casually?

“Why would you ever need a bird to pluck someone’s eyes out?” Oh God. “Have you ever had a bird pluck someone’s eyes out??”

“Well not me, but Chris did. It came in handy a few months ago when he and I were running from the cops and Eagly mildly attacked a few of them,” he shrugged and then threw more peanuts on the ground. How many fucking peanuts had he stuffed into his jeans???

“Eagly?” who the fuck.

“Chris’ pet eagle,” He said as if that should be obvious.

“Why does Chris have a pet eagle? That’s literally illegal.”

“Ill-eagle,” he said and then laughed way too loudly for both the situation and the piss-poor quality of the pun. “I don’t know but he does, Eagly is the best. He’s like my…,” he looked up, internally debating something and counting quietly on his fingers. “He’s my second best friend.” 

“Eagly?? A fucking eagle is your best friend over Leota?” It was getting hard to reel the outrage back in. You couldn’t even tell which part of this insane narrative was pissing you off the most.

“Well yeah Eagly is great.”

“I cannot deal with this right now.” You turned on your heel and didn’t look back as you fled the clearing. You were so tired. Seriously, what is his problem? You trudged through the woods, trying to retrace the route you came from but after about ten minutes it was clear you had gotten turned around. The walk to the clearing had only taken five minutes to begin with. After stopping to spin around in a circle, you determined that you were indeed lost. Great. Closing your eyes to listen to the sounds of the forest, you also caught the sound of a car speeding by. At least you were still near a road. You headed in the direction of the car noise. A few minutes tromping through the woods later, you were spit out onto the road, in view of the apartment building. Adrian was sitting on the steps, waiting for you.

“Oh hey roomie! I was wondering when you’d show,” he was lounging on the foot of steps and smiling as if you hadn’t just screamed at him in the woods twenty minutes ago. You said nothing and made for the stairs. As you brushed past him, he leaned over to block your way, smile dropping from his face. “Hey, seriously, don’t tell anyone about the crows ok. I’m just trying to keep Evergreen safe.” He was staring intensely, a disturbing glint present as his gaze bored into your eyes. He was slowly leaning towards you, getting way too close to your face. You slapped a hand to his forehead and pushed him backwards. 

“Ok weirdo whatever,” you sighed and rolled your eyes as he grinned again. “I won’t tell anyone as long as you don’t make them attack me.”

“They won’t! That was the whole point of bringing you out there, duh. Now they know you’re friendly!” He jumped up and let you pass, running up the stairs after you. You were so tired you almost didn’t notice Crowy sitting on the railing next to your door, until he cawed loudly. You jumped back and slammed into Adrian. He laughed loudly. 

“Oh hey Crowy,” you muttered, trying to maneuver your keys into the door without entering biting range. The bird cawed again and knocked a shiny something off the railing and onto the concrete before flying away. You looked down at the dropped item, a blue monster can tab. 

“Oh! Bird loot! That means he likes you!”

Chapter Text

u/justicehang

Ok weird question. Has anyone else noticed that crows are swooping at cops lately? My dad is a cop and he says at least four officers have been swooped at in the past week, two of them had to go to the hospital for injuries. What would make birds start swooping at them? Is this a thing anywhere else? Like it's just so scary because one of the officers almost lost their eye. To a crow. But they are worried they might start attacking random citizens also you never know. Does anyone have any information on this?

staywhelmed: haha fuck the cops

• justicehang: fuck you i’m fucking blocking you, irrevelant

• staywhelmed: i hope they attack your dad next

gometeors: never heard of this happening before, weird.

nogodsnomasks: are they only attacking cops? We need more info

• justicehang: so far it seems to be that way, everyone who got attacked was in uniform according to my dad

• nogodsnomasks: that’s so strange… and it’s crows?

• vigilantelover81: haha fuck the cops

• justicehang: omg get out of here vigilante fanboy

• vigilantelover81: maybe the crows work for vigilante ooo

• justicehang:  do you have information on that you’d like to share? I’m sure the FBI would love to know your IP address

• vigilantelover81: haha fuck the cops

• fuckyoubarryallen: and fuck barry allen too

• nogodsnomasks: Who?? 

• justicehang: reported!!!

theblindbird: maybe a cop pissed off a crow and are getting what they have coming

• nogodsnomasks: is that a thing?

• theblindbird: oh yeah crows are able to recognize faces and masks and tell other crows about experiences they have. I bet one of the cops just pissed a crow off and they’ll stop in a few months

• justicehang:  my dad says no one on the force would on purpose hurt a crow

• theblindbird:  i didn’t say hurt i said piss off

• vigilantelover81: i bet one of the cops hurt a crow because they are all assholes

• justicehang:  mods!!!!!!

everpeen: crows can attack people? That’s sick bro

• vigilantelover81: right? Totally sick bro

• nogodsnomasks: you seem way too into this

• vigilantelover81: you don’t seem into it enough

• nogodsnomasks:  sorry that i’m not excited about the possibility of getting attacked by crows??

• vigilantelover81:  are you a cop?

• nogodsnomasks: no?

• vigilantelover81: then you are safe :) <3

oli_oli_oxen_free: I agree with the above statements, this is likely a result of deliberate or inadvertent conditioning. Is there some sort of neutral stimulus? Like a bell or whistle? This would more likely be purposeful operant conditioning, while a reaction to just the physical appearance of a police uniform could point classical.

• vigilantelover81: ok guy

• staywhelmed: i hope they attack you next

• vigilantelover81: its definitely this guy
• justicehang: i’m telling my dad
• oli_oli_oxen_free: Guys, what the hell? This is Psychology 101, I’m not inventing this stuff. Read a fucking book, I’m sick of this.
• justicehang:  nerd

Chapter Text

Something was burning. The acrid scent was wafting through the apartment, but you ignored it. No doubt it was the remnants of a different oven adventure, and you were willing to let the evidence continue to burn away while you focused on prep for this next culinary endeavor. Bell peppers, mushrooms, red onions, and basil lay scattered across the counter, awaiting the knife. Packaged dough and bottled marinara were on standby over by the stove. Homemade, but not too homemade.

Halfway through cutting a pepper, you heard the front door open and looked up to see Adrian sweep in, his work uniform rumpled and spotted with grease. He kicked off his shoes and stretched his arms over his head with a dramatic huff, before scrunching his face in a sour expression. 

“Something’s burning.”

“Yeah there’s something crusty in the oven but it's not smoking or anything so it's fine,” you replied, refocusing on the pepper as he walked into the kitchen. He crouched in front of the oven, face almost pressed to the glass as he stared critically at the empty racks. “Adrian it’s fine, don't burn your face.”

“I just don’t want to die in a house fire,” he stood, still eying the oven suspiciously, and walked around the counter top to face you. He immediately zeroed on the knife in your hand and his eyes narrowed playfully. “Let me do that, I still have my work clothes on and I’m better with knives than you are.” His hand shot out, plucking the knife from your hands mid slice. 

“You couldn’t have waited for me to put it down?” You looked up to find him gazing at the knife with admiration, flipping it from hand to hand with flashy showmanship. “Stop fucking twirling it you’re gonna cut yourself.”

Adrian cocked his head to the side, his maniac grin becoming a little condescending. “Oh I’m gonna cut myself? I recall one of us cutting themselves instead of an onion last week. And it wasn’t me.” 

“Fuck off! That’s just cuz the knife wasn’t sharp,” you grumbled, flushing a little and stepping out of his way. 

“All of MY knives are sharp.”

“Yeah. I know,” you rolled your eyes and turned to the pan as he began chopping furiously. Something was missing from this picture…oh the cheese. The grater had wedged itself in the exact middle of the utensil drawer, eliciting a stream of cursing as you grappled to free it.  Adrian didn’t hear you talking to yourself over the sound of his chopping, so aggressive for no reason. You huffed a little as the grater finally came free and set about shredding the enormous block of Tillamook. You heard the furious knife movements slow and felt your roommate's presence behind you, “Do you want me to do that?” He asked gently.

“Nah I got it,” you looked over your shoulder offhandedly but paused when you saw just how close he was standing. Oh. He was also staring again. You were slowly getting used to that little quirk of his, though it still made your heart miss a beat, especially when his face was so close… “You want to line the pan with foil?” He turned towards the drawer, your eyes following the movement until the jarring beep of the oven forced you from your stupor. “Oven’s preheated, let's hurry up and get these done.”  Another minute of silence passed, you grating cheese and Adrian prepping the pan. Finally, you turned to see Adrian opening the jar of marinara. 

“Ready to make some fun movie night pizzas?” you asked.

“We are so ready to make some fun movie night pizzas!”  He exclaimed, grabbing the store bought dough and ripping into it. “My pizza is gonna fuck so hard it’ll make your pizza look like a eunuch.” He looked up to see your quizzical expression. “That’s a Chris expression. I’m sure your pizza will fuck just fine, but like missionary. Mine will be a professional whore.”

“Yeah we’ll see about that,” you grabbed the pan and some dough and started forming it into a heart shape. It was coming out pretty cute, so you sauced it up and started to add cheese when you noticed Adrian was struggling with the shape he was making. It was lumpy and pointy in all the wrong places, “What is that supposed to be?”

“A dove of peace!”

“That’s supposed to be a bird?”

“It’s not supposed to be a bird, it is a bird,” he swung his head in your direction. “Well… ok it doesn’t really look like a dove of peace because it’s dough but it would be a really cool pizza if it was a dove of peace. Chris would be all over it.”

“Why don't you try making a simpler shape so the edges don’t burn? See, like mine,” you moved so he could see your heart pizza.

“I don’t want my pizza to be butt shaped, but I won’t judge you for relieving your sexual frustration through dough.”

“It’s a heart!” You smacked his shoulder, “it doesn’t even look like a butt!” 

“It has cheeks,” he grabbed all his dough and rolled it back up into a ball. “Butt cheeks. Or a ballsack.”

“It’s the top of the heart! You are impossible,” you turned and continued making your pizza, deciding to ignore him all together. After putting the finishing touches on your own creation, you decided to inspect Adrian's pizza again. “Why is your pizza just a triangle?”

“Triangles are the most stable shape,” He said, putting way too much cheese on his pizza.

“Pizza is always triangles though, I thought we were making fun shapes.”

“Pizza’s are not always triangles,” He turned fully to face you, looking offended. “Pizza’s are usually circles and sometimes they are squares but they are rarely triangles.”

“Yeah a circle you cut into a triangle?” you pointed. He pressed his mouth into a thin line. “Like every pizza slice is a triangle.”

“Well this pizza is going to be a triangle and I’ll cut the slices into circles. It will be super fun and you can’t stop me.” He cocked his head to the side and locked eyes with you like he was really daring you to stop him. You just rolled your eyes in response and gestured for him to get on with it. You watched him take his plain shredded chicken out of the fridge and pile it on, claiming it was important for his protein goals, then add more veggies than the structural capacity of the pizza allowed. If he added more dough on top it would just be a big ass calzone, but you decided not to bring that up. Who knows how long a discussion like that could last. He was extremely concentrated while transferring it to the pan and surprisingly didn’t drop anything. 

“Alright! Into the oven this goes,” He slid the pan in then turned to face you, eyes looking into yours intensely. “I’m gonna go get changed, set a timer.” 

“On it,” you pulled your phone out while he moved towards his room, unbuttoning his work shirt on the way. You moved to the couch, pulling out blankets and arranging the pillows. It took longer than strictly necessary but you were trying to ignore Adrian as he passed through the hallway half naked en route to the bathroom. He was so built and for what? 

Vengeance I guess. You snorted to yourself at the thought; what could this nerd be avenging? More realistically he just wanted to be in shape to get girls, though you hadn’t actually seen him around any women other than Leota. Maybe he’s gay? Maybe it was a confidence thing? He’s always wearing baggy clothes though, I wo- you caught yourself and decided to stop thinking about him like that. He’s your roommate for fuck’s sake. Don’t shit where you eat and all. 

Instead of dwelling, you busied yourself with more prep- pulling a veggie tray out of the fridge and pouring some chips into a bowl. You crouched in front of the oven, micromanaging the pizzas’ progression, when you heard the shower stop and the bathroom door open. You forced yourself to stay crouched out of sight until you heard the soft click of the lock on Adrian's door. You breathed a sigh of relief as you stood, then mentally kicked yourself. Calm down.

Adrian emerged from his room in a light blue t-shirt and blue plaid pajama pants, glasses askew and hair damp. The timer on your phone went off as he approached and you returned to your squat to check the pizzas, “Oh they look perfect!”

Adrian crouched down next to you and peered through the oven door, “Oo they do! I’m so excited!” He jumped up to grab the oven mitts, flexing his hands with them on before shooing you out of the way. He set the pan on the stove and turned to you, “Your ass pizza came out pretty good.”

“Oh my god it’s not a butt, I told you it's a heart! You’re the only ass here,” you looked at him annoyed.

“Saying it’s a heart and it being one are two different things. Also there are technically two asses here, three if we count the pizza,” He had a fiendish smirk on his face. You knew he was trying to piss you off on purpose and it was working. “Now move, I need to cut mine into a circle.” 

You watched as he took the knife from earlier and began poorly carving a circle out of the triangle. Unsurprisingly, most of the toppings fell onto the pan while he tried to transfer the pizza to his plate. He scooped them up and piled them back on top of his circle pizza. Most stable shape indeed. He was able to plate your pizza with more grace. You both grabbed your plates and moved them to the coffee table, adding to the array of snacks that you had laid out earlier. 

“Soooo roomie, what are we watching?” He wiggled a little in place, giddily pulling a blanket over his legs. 

“Mad Max: Fury Road!” you turned the TV on and set the DVD in the tray. Adrian started eating his pizza immediately, before the ads could even start, breathing with his mouth open while steam fogged his glasses. You rolled your eyes and yanked some blankets over to your side of the couch. Thankfully Adrian remained quiet for the first couple minutes of the film, probably due to the pizza burning his mouth, the bleak dystopian scene unfolding on the screen. 

“That guy loofs ike ex lufor!” he suddenly exclaimed with his mouth full.

‘What?"

“That guy looks just like Lex Luthor!" 

“Which one?”

He pointed at one of the War Boys. 

“Nux? Just because he’s bald doesn’t mean he looks like Lex Luthor,” you looked at him and he shook his head at you.

“Just because he’s bald doesn’t mean he doesn’t look like Lex Luthor,” he raised his eyebrows sassily and pointed again. “Look him up right now and tell me that doesn’t look like him.”

You rolled your eyes and took your phone out, wanting to avoid an argument with him about Lex Luthor of all people. “Oh what the fuck?”

“I told you, people never want to listen to me but I’m always right. Ask me later about my theories on other billionaires” He was smirking as you put your phone away and rolled your eyes. He was definitely not always right, but it wasn’t worth fighting over. Besides, he was right this time. You finished your pizza and munched a bit on snacks before settling farther into the couch.  You were trying to ignore that you were almost cuddling, sitting close under the same blanket. So close that your thighs kept brushing every time one of you readjusted. Enough. You laid back, head against the armrest, and swung your feet up to rest on his lap. No furniture store repeats. You were starting to feel sleepy and grabbed a pillow to prop behind your head. A full belly, warm blankets, and the comforting sound of automotive collisions made your eyelids heavy. You wanted to keep watching the movie but you were slowly-

Bang! 

The sudden noise echoed through the room and shook you out of sleep. You had accidentally jumped and kicked out your legs, upsetting the bowl of chips sitting on Adrian’s lap. You blinked and looked over to him. He was looking up to the left, like he was thinking hard about something. His eyes flickered to yours and he reached a hand out to gently pat your leg, “It’s ok just a firework.” 

“When did I fall asleep?” you asked groggily. Your head felt mushy and you looked towards the screen to see a car chase happening. Reality was still warring with sleep and you were struggling to place the scene. When you leaned back on the pillow you caught Adrian looking at you with a ghost of a smile.

“A while ago, it’s ok you can go back to sleep.” He was still patting your leg when sleep took you again. It was so easy to sleep on the couch. 

BANG BANG BANG

You jolted awake again, this time from both the sound and sudden movement. Adrian had jumped up, knocking your legs onto the floor. He whipped his head towards you with wide eyes muttering quickly, “That was a gunshot.” Then he was gone, disappearing into his room. Were you crazy or had he smiled?

 You sat up and looked around the room. At some point Adrian had cleared the rest of the snacks from the coffee table, somehow without waking you up. There was some sort of weird film on the tv; something Adrian had chosen once you had drifted off no doubt. You fumbled for the remote, pausing it while you waited for him to come back. After a minute or two he burst out of his room. He’d changed his outfit; he had on a giant blue sweatshirt, which bulged like he was wearing hockey pads underneath, black pants with white shin guards and knee pads, a duffle bag slung over his shoulder, and a sheathed sword in his gloved hands. The bird gloves? You just sat there, confused, as he grabbed his pair of black boots from the door mat, shoved his feet in them, and began to furiously lace them up.

He looked up only when he was done tying his laces, like he had just remembered you were there. You couldn’t remember ever seeing Adrian look so alarmed. He shifted the sword to his side like you wouldn’t be able to see it. 

“Why do you have a sword?” your brain still felt half asleep, “Is that what you keep sharpening in your room at night?”

“I- what?” He leaned forward a little, feigning a confused expression, then stood up straight, still holding his sword behind his duffle bag. “Don’t worry about it,” He let out a little laugh before his expression went entirely blank. “And don’t follow me.” Adrian stood staring for a moment, waiting for you to make a move. When you didn't, he turned on his heel and slipped through the doorway in one smooth motion. You considered being curious, or at least a little concerned about the machete, is that what it was? Instead you did as you were told and decided not to worry about it, drifting off to sleep on the couch once again.

Chapter Text

u/thestupidgreenlantern

What are your costume pet peeves? I know I personally think that some of the costumes heroes have are stupidly designed but I want to hear other peoples opinions. I’ll go first of course, I think that condiment mans whole schtick is stupid and also why would he go through the effort of making his guns look like ketchup and mustard? Like cmon bro at least choose some better condiments or get a brand deal or something. 

thedailyjanet: ok first of all its Condiment King. second, literally no one is going to sponsor someone who shoots sauce at people? It would be really dicey (hah) to get into brand deals with heroes/villains 

• thestupidgreenlantern: i wish you could see me rolling my eyes at you

• thedailyjanet: you literally asked

Supermanharemgirl1: i think guy gardners hair is fucking stupid

• H3llo!megan323: yeah blonde ass bowl cut does not look good

• Supermanharemgirl1: literally!! Like does the justice gang not pay enough for him to get a real haircut

• terrificmister: I concur 

• Supermanharemgirl1: please tell superman i want in the harem

• H3llo!megan323: me too

n1ghtwing134: I dont like that superman has briefs on, i wish he would free the bulge

• Supermanharemgirl1: ugh me too

• thedailyjanet: wow who could have guessed

• H3llo!megan323: me too

• thedailyjanet: megan!

• H3llo!megan323: what janet

• thedailyjanet: i cant believe you

theredstreak: blue beetle scares me I dont like his pinchers

• gometeors: I don't think he gets to control that, he’s a beetle

• theredstreak: but it’s not a part of him? It’s a suit

• gometeors: is the suit not part of him?

• jitterscritters: at least he’s not running around in a stupid ass green suit with a question mark on it

• H3llo!megan323: damn the riddler catching strays

• jitterscritters: i fucking hate him

• batman4ver: good thing batman always puts him in jail

• jitterscritters: and then he fucking breaks out fuck batman

• batman4ver: HEY

• fuckyoubarryallen: and fuck barry allen

• gometeors: dude seriously who is barry allen

metamoomin: i dont like when people’s costumes include a stupid helmet

• totallycrash: want to give an example

• metamoomin: like peacemakers helmet is stupid, so shiny

• totallycrash: yeah not practical at all. Also isn’t he racist?

• vigilantelover81: he’s not racist his dad is

• metamoomin: speaking of vigilante what the fuck is up with that guy

• totallycrash: he’s probably also racist

• vigilantelov3r1: he mostly kills white people tho

• totallycrash: regardless peacemaker’s helmet is stupid. He should get a cooler one like bloodsport

• metamoomin: isn’t he in prison rn?

• totallycrash: i mean yeah but that doesn’t mean his helmet isn’t cool as hell

• vigilantelov3r1: you can’t even see his eyes

• Supermanharemgirl1: who needs to see his eyes when u can look at his sexy bod

batman4ver: say what you will about the early versions but i really like the robin costume

• coffeeslUt45: the early robins was rough, there is no reason a child needs to have their legs out like that

• centralpity: the colors are kind of shit for being stealth tho

• batman4ver: you take that back

• centralpity: no

• batman4ver: oh god forbid a child want a costume with fun colors

• oli_oli_oxen_free: It sounds a tad capitalist, but branding is an essential element for vigilante justice. Vigilantes are already working “outside the law”, they need some way to keep themselves accountable. The iconographic nature of a costume serves as a sort of pseudo-identity. Anyone can throw a punch in a dark alley, wearing a dirty brown overcoat, but a hero who dons a costume takes ownership for their actions.  Batman and Robin’s costumes are also a complementary balance of their roles in the partnership: Batman stalks from the shadows, but Robin is bold, brash, colorful. He draws the eye and directly engages the foe, allowing Batman to gain the upper hand in stealth. Though I agree, the current Robin style of full coverage is obviously superior. Say what you want about freedom of movement and youthful innocence, who the hell wants to wear little shorts on the rainy rooftops of Gotham?

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