Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Would the second son of the deceased like to share some words?”

Titch felt every single head turn to him, and suddenly reality hit him.

He hadn’t even realised how long he had been sitting in this funeral. Hadn’t even thought of how much he hated the texture of this black suit. Hadn’t even cried. Hadn’t even acknowledged whatever James had said, if anything.

He felt his cheeks burning, and a hand slowly reaching to grab his.

“No.” He said, and although the room held nothing but silence, Titch could hear every single judgment in their heads.

But they knew nothing. Titch had no words to say about his father. Not that he didn’t love him, perhaps that he did a little too much.
Perhaps he had ruined his life and fixed it at the same time. Perhaps he could tell all these people that if he wasn’t crying it was because his father would never let him.
Perhaps he couldn’t be weak because his father was now.

He rested his head on Derek’s shoulder, and as soon as he did he could feel him smiling.

It wasn’t because he was tired. It wasn’t because he couldn’t hold his head up. He simply didn’t want to.

And he had the right to. He could rest his head on his friend’s shoulder. It was fine. The warmth in his heart he could take.
He let Derek caress his hair once before he put his head up once again, just in time to see how the people around got up their chairs to leave.

Half of them approached him and his brother, James, to shake their hands and express how sorry they were for their loss. And while James cried and smiled at them, all Titch could think was how hypocritical they all were.

They were going to go home and never think about this again. While Titch had to leave with the loneliness and his father’s words ringing through his ears.

“We have to take a look at dad’s will.” Titch said to James. “I’ll have to switch to his farm.”

“I want to work too.” James said, to Titch surprise. “The land is divided by two, no?”

He raised his eyebrow. “You’ve never shown interest in any of dad’s businesses.” He said. “When I worked my ass off at school I had to hear father complaining about how you refused to go. Why now?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m sick of being the one behind.”

And as much as he could’ve argued, he was too tired to. He simply nodded and patted his brother’s back. He couldn’t wait to be out of there.

“Hey.” He turned around as James walked away, seeing a concerned Derek standing in front of him. “It’s late and you must be tired. Why don’t you take a cab like James?”

“I drove here. Can’t just leave my car.” He said dryly.

“I could drive your car back to my place? It’s about 20 minutes closer than yours.”

And as much as he would’ve loved to say no, as much as he hated the loss of control this gave him, perhaps he loved it a little too much. So he nodded. “By the way. I’m saying this as your boss, not your friend. We’re going to have to switch farms. Is that okay?.”

Derek nodded with a small smile dancing around his lips, and so, they both headed to Titch’s car, where he heard himself laugh for the first time in weeks when Derek seemed to be a little too tall to fit. But they managed.

It had been about twelve minutes of a silent drive. Titch felt the wind dance with his hair as he rested his elbow on the open window. He was almost startled when he heard Derek speak. “How are you?”

“Fine.” He lied. “Just overwhelmed. There’s so much land to take over now.” That bit was true.

“Not everything is about work, you know?” Derek said softly. “You’re suffering a loss.”

He thought about his answer for a bit. He thought about Derek’s lips as he softly whispered comfort. He thought about how grateful he was to have him there.

And when he was about to speak, the car stopped.

They opened the door to Derek’s building and walked towards the lift, since Derek lived on the third floor.

He was about to make some dumb joke about how long the elevator was taking, when Derek leaned over him to hit the button. Except he misjudged the space, and suddenly, Titch was pinned against the wall, their shoulders tangled.

He laughed nervously, until he didn’t. Until he decided that for the first time of his life, he was going to let his heart lead the way.

Chapter Text

Titch’s lips were soft.

That’s all the information Derek’s brain allowed, it was all he could feel, it was all he wanted to feel.

No.

Titch wasn’t thinking straight (haha) and Derek knew it. But the kiss was so sweet and as angelical as Titch in the afternoon sun. It was addicting, it was everything Derek had ever wanted. But it was Titch.

Titch who would never reciprocate any of the touches Derek desperately ached for. Titch who overworked himself into exhaustion and wouldn’t let anyone help him. Titch who refused to lean on anyone ever. Titch who would laugh at his stupid jokes. Titch whose calloused hands carried such a soft touch to them. It was Titch, who Derek couldn’t not fall in love with.

Maybe he can allow himself to have this, just for a little while longer. Just this one kiss and then he’ll shove Titch away– he’ll shove his feelings away with him too for good measure.

No, you can’t. His stupid brain supplied. 

And as much as he wanted, as much as he longed for this exact thing, as much as his hands were trembling with the need to reach, and touch and feel he couldn’t let himself have this.

Derek was selfish, he was a black hole of want and longing that would suck Titch into the dark pit of nothingness that lived inside Derek. It wasn’t fair. But God… he wanted to have this.

It’s everything he ever wanted in the palm of his hand– quite literally, because as it seemed he was now cupping Titch’s cheeks as the other grabbed his waist.

Was it getting hot in there?

When did he let his hands venture? He wasn’t sure, but Titch was warm and welcoming and he was there, and it was all Derek could ask for and more.

He ignored every warning sign, every red flag that swayed before his eyes. He kissed Titch despite everything.

He kissed Titch until all he could feel was the smaller, until all he could see was Titch, until all he could taste was Titch and his soft lips.

Derek gets needy, just like he knew he would, he grabs Titch’s hips and pulls the blonde to him and he feels giddy as he feels Titch do the same.

All of a sudden, nothing else matters. 

Not the fact that they’re in public, not the fact that Titch is his boss, not even the fact that Titch’s shoulders are tense and his fingers shake from the strength he’s holding Derek.

He doesn’t care about any of it. In his mind the same thought sounds on repeat. ‘I’m kissing Titch. Titch is kissing me’ and it feels divine to let it consume him– to let Titch in and feast on his love until there is nothing left.

Derek feels like he’s in heaven, like the kiss transpired whatever mortal realm they lived in. He’d worship Titch like a God to feel this everyday, if only Titch allowed him to.

The ding of the lift brought them back to reality, reminding Derek that he wasn’t in no church, that he needn’t kneel– yet. Their lips parted and their lungs ached with a need for air, but they didn’t care.

They stayed in each other's hold, neither of them wanting to let go first or at all. And then, Derek’s brain finally sparked into action a few seconds too late.

He grabs Titch’s hand in desperation and he rushes them to his flat. He doesn’t need to look back to make sure Titch follows without resistance, he can feel it. He was also a little scared that if he did turn back it would break the spell, like any eye contact would remind them of who they are and all the reasons why they shouldn’t be doing any of this.

He only squeezes Titch’s hand, a silent way to beg him not to leave. And he breaths with relief when he feels the blonde do the same.

They latch onto each other as soon as Derek closes the door– desperate and needy. They knock over photos, they shove their shoes to nowhere specific and they simply kiss.

This kiss is more rushed, like Titch was scared it would end too fast so he had to be faster, it’s almost electric. Derek tried his best to slow them both down, he took careful steps towards his bedroom, he brushed his hands up and down Titch’s side in a way he hoped conveyed softness and not neediness.

But Derek gets impatient too. The need and the concealed longing all come to the surface and he lets himself want this, allows himself to break the promises he made. 

He wants to feel Titch, he wants to let Titch tear him apart and rebuild him to his image, he wants Titch to devour him whole just so he could feel something besides the overwhelming love.

And he does. God he wants and he lets and he needs.

He lets Titch throw him into bed, he lets himself be loud, he lets Titch in in ways he never let a man in before. He feels nothing but the blondes breath on him, he doesn’t want to feel anything besides Titch and Titch alone. And for once, he gets what he wants.

Chapter Text

The sun crept into the room, warning both the boys that the night was over.

Titch closed his eyes with strength. The light was painful and, really, all he wanted to feel was the softness of Derek’s skin. All he wanted to do was trace each freckle that was spread through his stomach.

He rested his head on his chest and hugged him tighter. Still not acknowledging the nakedness of the two or the state of the room.

Still clueless of the ten missed calls he had on his phone from his brother, or his texts asking where he was.

It wasn’t until he heard the birds singing that he truly woke up. That he started feeling the heat of last night creep into his throat in the form of guilt. That he started having trouble breathing, once again.

And this time? For a very different reason.

Fuck.

He was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How did he get so carried away? His whole life was based on trusting his head. His whole life was based on anything but this. How did he let this happen?

He looked at the taller one. A sleepy smile danced around his lips, so small the same Derek wouldn’t have noticed it. And there was something about those eyes, closed or open. Something clueless, naive. Beautiful.

And also? Wrong.

He shouldn’t have done this. He didn’t have time to maintain a relationship. He knew himself, knew that as soon as work got in the way he would break both their hearts. And Derek was his assistant, god damnit. His assistant and his only friend. The only one who had been there to catch him when he told everyone else to let him fall.

He didn’t have time to be weak.

He couldn’t let love crash him once again. He wouldn’t. He knew exactly who he needed to be, exactly what he needed to have. And the name was success.

He had to be smart. Strong. Not lovely and, surely, not in love.

He slowly caressed Derek’s hand once again before he got up from the bed, ignoring the cold chill running through his spine, or every single thought that he was convinced would kill him.

He looked around, his head still dizzy.

There were thrown shoes around the room, Titch’s tie trapped under a desk. But his suit was nowhere to be found
He looked under the bed, looked in Derek’s closet.

Nothing.

Great, fantastic. No, this was ideal. He’d just get out of the building completely naked and go hide under the sheets of his house for eternity.

But he had to get out of there. He had to listen to that whispering devil in his head that was begging him to run.
He spotted Derek’s pajamas on a chair.

He sighed.

This’d have to do.

He put on Derek’s black shirt. The neck fell slightly, showing his collarbones, and the sleeves hid his hands completely, but there wasn’t really another option.

He felt lucky when the trousers fit around his hips, although he completely stepped on them, at least he could walk.
He spotted the car keys on the table next to his bed.

Each step made the floor under him creak, and each time he could’ve sworn it was going to wake up the whole neighbourhood.

But all Titch could think about was making his way to the door.
Until Derek woke up.

“Titch?” He said, his voice still tired and his mind half awake.

And there he was. Caressing the doorknob of the room, closing his eyes at the thought of Derek’s heart breaking to pieces.

“You’re leaving?” He asked. And, oh, Titch could hear the confusion echoing through his words. But he could also feel guilt taking over his.

He tried to speak. He really did. But there was an indescribable pain swallowing him whole. A dark hole that took away everything he could say, write, or sob. And all he could bring himself to do? Was mumble an inaudible “I’m sorry.”

He felt the door closing behind him, and so did his heart. He ran through the apartment until he could see the way out, completely sure that someone was chasing him, although really, he was alone.
He took the stairs.

He ran down trying to avoid the thought of Derek’s body in the exact same clothes he was wearing. Tried to avoid the slight comfort that it gave him.

As soon as he arrived at the last floor, he saw his car parked in front of the door, and got out without thinking twice, desperately hitting his keys.

And all he could think as he entered the car?

It smelled just like Derek.

Chapter Text

The coldness set in his chest before Titch even closed the door. It appeared as he heard the creaks of an old wooden floor, it persisted as he felt no body laying against his own, it shattered his heart with the mumbled apology. It remained as he saw Titch leave.

He was so cold.

Everything around him was so cold, it was like Titch left and all the warmth in the world left with him. Derek is sure he would’ve noticed it if they did, but he didn’t.

He was much more focused on Titch leaving and Titch not being there and oh god it was all his fault, now Titch was gone and this was it.

Titch won’t come back. Derek had gone too far, he had wanted too much.

God Derek always asked for too much. Stupid Derek and stupid feelings. It was too much. He was too much.

Derek doesn’t remember much from that morning besides those revolting thoughts, the memories blur as if seen through tears when he tries to recall the exact moment his heart broke.

He thinks maybe it wasn’t one single moment that broke him, that maybe it was several moments spiraling into one single memory he tried desperately to understand.

He probed at it, inspected it from every angle he could, looking for the moment he made a mistake. 

Maybe it was taking the lift, maybe it was offering Titch a ride home, maybe it was the fact that he was there for Titch, maybe his mistake was coming to the town in the first place.

Maybe he was the mistake.

There were so many occasions when Derek had gone maybe a bit too far. Maybe a hand rested for too long on the blonde’s shoulder, maybe a too genuine ‘love’.

But Titch had, even if reluctantly, accepted that as their normal.

Today though, Titch didn’t even turn around, couldn’t even face Derek— like he was dirty, wrong, unlovable (maybe he was). 

His thoughts spiral out of his reach when he remembers. He rubs at his eyes in hopes to lessen the tears. But they keep on falling, and he keeps on failing.

There’s not much he can do after Titch leaves, there’s not much he’d want to do anyways. But still, he gets up.

He ignores the pain, ignores the thought that he was fooled into believing in a ‘forever’, he ignores the ache that settled in his bones. 

But the ache, having a mind of its own, keeps on aching. It brings tears to Derek’s eyes and they make his heart pound in the same beat of Titch’s breath down his neck.

Derek wants to forget. He really does. He wants to regret and clean himself of any evidence of pleasure from last night. But he’s weak. And maybe a bit too in love to have the heart to do it. 

So instead, he lets the tears cleanse him of any remnants of love he still has— it doesn’t work, it never did, it never will.

The first thing he does after letting the tears fall is clean up the mess they made. The clothes on the floor, the knocked down pictures, the unmade bed with the shape of them still ingressed into the sheets.

He brushes his hair, he washes the taste of Titch’s lips off as if it was poison, he grabs the door knob tight like he wants to break it for allowing Titch to have left. 

And he keeps on pretending. He blames everything on drunken Derek like Derek had even drunk anything at all. He doesn’t blame Titch, even if he should.

Even after everything, after the heartbreak, Derek could never blame Titch. The smaller was grieving his father, dealing with a dead man’s business by himself and dealing with unresolved trauma. 

Derek would never blame Titch. Not now, not ever.

He knows Titch will think this through, that he’ll realise his mistakes and apologize for something that wasn’t his fault, and would love Derek. One day.

Maybe Derek was drunk, drunk on the idea he could let himself want, drunk on the possibility of loving and being loved, drunk on Titch’s scent. 

The memories aren’t kind despite the lack of regret, they remind Derek of all he can lose for one night of pleasure. They fill him with guilt and fear for putting so much pressure on Titch and his tender soul.

And they, as unreliable as memories are, twist and turn Titch’s face into something unkind.

There was no escaping them— not that he’d ever want to escape Titch—, as much as he pretends and closes his eyes in hopes to not see the empty space left by the blonde, nothing fills the void in his heart.

Not the guilt, not the fear, not the betrayal. 

Nothing fits in the hole Titch bore in Derek's heart.

He shouldn’t have done this.

How could he be so stupid?

How much will this cost me? My job? My friend? My life?

Will Titch ever forgive me?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

His thoughts are nothing short of a broken record, the same tune playing over and over as if taunting him, as if he enjoyed being hurt. 

He repeats the mantra of I’m sorrys, while the day goes by, as if Titch can hear them, as if it could change everything.

It can’t.

But he keeps on saying it.

Chapter Text

They say it takes 20 days to break a habit.

But time had passed and Titch’s heart remained broken. The time passed, and all he could think about was <>.
And really, he was only making things harder. There was no problem. Derek loved him, he loved Derek. Work was going well. James was trying harder.

But there was a thing that escaped from Titch’s hand, a word that, if he was able to embrace, would lead him to the happiness he craved.

Freedom.

Titch was drowning in work. Day after day, all he did was try and reach perfection and a little more. Day after day, he kept forgetting how much he actually loved nature. How much he loved animals, how much he loved the sun rising to hug his back or the trees dancing to wish him good morning. After all, Titch didn’t only choose this path because his father wanted him to, he also chose it because he loved it. And if he allowed himself to actually be himself, then there would be no problems at all.
But, of course, he didn’t.

“I didn’t know that, did I?” James’s voice snapped Titch out of his thoughts, bringing him back to the real world.

“You should’ve been paying attention like I was!” He said. He made an effort to be gentle with his brother, really. But how was it fair that he had to work every single day for his father’s love, worked everyday to be successful, and he, who hadn’t done any of that, complained about not having the results? “You never did listen to father, did you?”

“I only—I only roasted two aubergines!” James said.

…

What the fuck?

Titch rested his shovel on the ground. “Sorry, have you been roasting them all?”
“Yeah! Cause I went down a YouTube rabbit hole, and they said that that’s the way to do it so it would go better…is that not true?”

Titch sighed. He was surrounded by idiots. “No, it’s not true.”

“This is why we’re different, you and I. Dad always preferred you, I know that? And I’m okay with that. I know I was never as good a farmer as you were.”

Titch rested his face between his hands. “Jesus Christ,” he mumbled.

It just wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair.

Titch also wanted to be free. He also wanted to be loud and run and paint. He also wanted to live. But he was too stuck on his father to keep walking.

How was it that James wasn’t? How was it that he only cared about the farm and how he didn’t want it?

“I had other dreams! I wanted to be a footballer, Titch. Don’t you understand that? I was going to get out of this damn town!”
“Hey!” Titch said. “Don’t talk about this village like that, alright? Some of us really like it here.”

And really, it had always bothered him.

Because even with everything, Titch always found a way to receive his home with open arms. To stay a bit positive and not judge the rest of the town by the one house that stank of poison.

James? James critiqued every bit of it.

Why did he think it was okay to criticise what Titch loved?

This town had nature. Nice people, traditions, animals.
It had Derek.

“Name one thing you like about this town.” James said, raising an eyebrow.

“The warm people.” He said quickly.

And the rest of the conversation was only a blurred memory in his head. Lady Margery something something, dad something something.

All he could think about was what subjects he would bring up to avoid talking about the night with Derek this time.
Everyday since that day, Titch had to put away his feelings and treat Derek as a coworker and a friend. He couldn’t run away from his assistant, and he couldn’t run away from Derek.

So he would just avoid the subject, and Derek would bring it up.

And he was terrified.

He saw his brother leaving, threatening to not come back. Really, Titch would’ve loved to fight it, but this wasn’t the first time, and as the last four times, he knew he’d come back.

Because after all, it was his home too.