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Chapter Text

Everything hurt. He couldn't move a single muscle without his whole body aching, and even trying to open his eyes made his whole body shiver with effort. Trying to regain control of his body, he let loose of his limbs and just laid there hoping to calm down. Only after a moment, he noticed his hands touching cold concrete, the ground he was lying on feeling unbearably uncomfortable. As his senses slowly came back to him, he noticed a warm feeling on his skin. Trying once again to open his eyes, he was met with the warm shine of the sun on his face. Slowly adjusting to the natural brightness, he started looking around, slowly realizing where he was.

Then something clicked in his brain. His head shot to the side, a small painful hiss leaving his mouth as he started the rapidly blinking headset lying beside him. It didn't feel real, and the longer he stared at the headset on the ground, the more he was convinced this was all just a sick and twisted adventure of Caine, and he would be teleported back to the circus, sooner rather than later. He closed his eyes, hoping he would fall back asleep and forget about this stupid adventure, but the longer he kept his eyes closed, the more impatient he got.

Suddenly, a warm breeze blew over his face, moving his hair in the wind with it, his eyes shot open again.

Wind.

Caine was never able to perfectly replicate the feeling of a warm summer breeze; you were either blown away with force, or the wind was so hot, it felt like someone was holding a blow dryer into your face. Out of reflex, he raised his hand wanting to move some hair out of his face, but immediately stopped as it got into his view. They weren't unrealistically large yellow gloves; they were hands, human hands. He could see his veins going under his skin, he noticed his life line spreading over the palm of his hand, and slowly moving his fingers, he also noticed his short, broken-off fingernails.
His eyes wandered over to his arms, taking in his actual human skin and the few tattoos he had done prior to the whole circus thing.

The circus.

He didn't even remember how he got out. Seemingly, the last 24 hours were a complete blur, and he wasn't able to piece anything together at the moment.

“How much time has passed?” was the first proper question that came to his mind and out of his mouth. His eyes darted around the room, and suddenly, all the memories came flooding back.

His name. He remembered it again. It was Felix.

But also about how he even got to the circus in the first place.
Felix remembered he was in an abandoned hospital, and that he was going to explore it with a friend of his. But that “friend” ditched 5 minutes before they were supposed to meet, and he was already outside the building waiting, so he decided to go in alone.

What a stupid idea.

If he knew the consequences of that single action, he would've never gotten even remotely close to the abandoned building, but here he was, he didn't even know how long ago he entered the circus, but he wasn't even sure if he wanted to.

Felix slowly looked back over to said headset lying on the ground, his hand reached out for it, but stopped before touching it, staring at his shaking hands. Quickly drawing it back, he tried pushing himself off the ground to stand up. He was still wobbly on his normal human legs, but after a moment of just standing there, he regained his balance. Looking around the room, he noticed his backpack in the corner. Confused, he stepped towards it.

“How the hell is this still here?” he quietly mumbled to himself. Felix noticed that he could swear properly again, but just shrugged it off. That was the least of his worries right now.

He's been gone for who knows how long, but his backpack was still here? He frantically kneeled down, opening the backpack and checking everything inside, everything he remembered putting in there before the trip was still there, and nothing was broken. He grabbed his phone, being sure it would be empty, but it immediately turned on as he pushed the power button. He stared at the screen in shock, glancing at the battery percentage. 60%. How was it still at 60? He was gone for what felt like years, and apparently his phone hasn't died yet? With shaking hands, he opened his call inbox.

Today

Outgoing Call to Marcel 11:32

He then checked the time on the top of his screen and froze: 17:04
He then checked the date. This wasn't possible, he was gone for years.. How have only 6 hours passed? He went to his weather app, still the same date, he googled the time and day, it still matched, he stared down at the confirmation, not being able to digest the information he just got thrown in his face.
Only when a tear dripped onto his hand was he torn from his thoughts.
He quickly wiped over his face and put his phone into his pocket, closed the backpack, and picked it up. He gave the room another glance, ignoring the still blinking headset, and stormed out of the room.

Leaving the hospital, he stood still for a moment, trying to remember where he had his car parked, and then started walking towards it after spotting it halfway parked around a corner.

After Felix threw his backpack on the passenger seat, he sat down on the driver's side and just sat still for a moment, inhaling the scent of his car. He missed it. In the circus, nothing smelled. Apparently, that was something the AI couldn't recreate.

As he sat there, all the memories of his life prior to the circus came flooding back. He had pushed them so far back into his mind, convincing himself that he would never leave the circus anyway, so why would he need them? Even so, he took them all in, trying to remember all the things he liked.

’Oh, I'm so sure going to my favourite Restaurant tomorrow’.
‘But for now,’ he thought, ‘I just want to get into my bed.. My own bed. In my own bedroom. In my own apartment. That I choose for myself. Not some weird flying dentures’.

He let out a small maniacal chuckle as he started the car and began driving home, ignoring the speed limit, hoping he wouldn't be stopped by police for it. He couldn't handle that today.

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After entering his apartment, Felix just looked around for a good minute. That's the first thing he noticed about himself. It felt so nostalgic being back in his own home, even though he's apparently only been gone for a few hours, he couldn't stop staring. At his own things, he bought with his own money, that couldn't just be ‘poofed’ into thin air by a snap.

A small smile formed on his face, a genuine one, because he was genuinely happy for the first time since.. Oh. He sighed. Right. Even now that he had exited the circus, how could he know what happened to the others? Were they free too? What about the people who abstracted?

He quickly shook his head, not wanting to think too much about it. He was tired. His whole body ached, and he felt the urge to shower. ‘I haven't done that in a while’ he thought, before remembering he showered before he was supposed to meet earlier this morning.
It felt weird, thinking about what he did “earlier” today, even though this morning he was still in the circus with all the others.

He rolled his eyes at his own rambling thoughts and started walking to his bedroom, immediately plunging into his own bed. The thoughts about the shower? Forgotten.
His eyes closed automatically, and a few seconds later, he was quietly snoring, the exhaustion taking over his body and mind.

Chapter Text

When she opened her eyes, everything was bright. Confused trying to adjust to the brightness shoved into her face, she realized that it was natural brightness. The sun, the actual sun, was shining into her face, not some brightly coloured circus tent. 

She tried pushing herself to get up, but her body wouldn't let her. She felt terrible. Her legs were numb, and she couldn't really feel her fingers either. 

‘Get up, Christine, for fucks sake,’ she thought to herself as she tried to stand up. Immediately plummeting back to the ground, as she realized she had called herself Christine. Not Pomni. Just Christine. Her real name, she remembered it. And with that, everything started flooding back, all her memories from before the circus and during it. 

She even remembered the headset she had put on, and began looking around for it, but it was nowhere to be found. She scanned the ground, trying to find anything that looked remotely close to a headset.. But nothing. The only thing around was rubble and broken glass pieces from the window next to her. 

She let out a soft sob mixed horribly with laughter. “So it was a dream. Nothing of it was real. “ she whispered to herself. Suddenly she remembered that her phone should be here somewhere and started patting herself down looking for it. When she finally found it she turned it on. 89%  and it was 16:30 on the same day she went into the “circus”. The date of this day had graved itself into her brain, and it confirmed all her theories. It was all some messed up shit made up by her mind. 

She looked around again, realizing she probably slipped and hit her head on some of the concrete pieces lying on the floor. She passed out and woke up now. A few hours later. In the real world. Not a circus with weird characters and even weirder names. 

After a few more minutes of sitting there and trying not to go crazy she finally started feeling her legs again. She started getting up and looked down on the ground to see if she dropped anything. The floor felt so far away. Like she was a lot shorter for a while, and while she remembered her dream she didn't think that the height in it would've been so convincing. 

She took a few steps before feeling safe on her ‘own?’ feet again and grabbed her bag. As she was going to leave the room she remembered her camera that she probably dropped after passing out. She started searching the room for it but even after 15 minutes of turning every rock upside down there was still no sign of her camera. She knew she held it in her hands when she entered this room, and never put it in her bag either. Christine started questioning her memory again and that maybe she forgot the camera in her car or something. 

‘That must be it’ she convinced herself, giving it a small nod before heading out of the room and eventually out of the abandoned building.

____________________________________________________________________________

After Christine got home the first thing she did was take a bath. Her body ached and apparently she had sweat a lot when she passed out because her whole body felt sticky. She grabbed some clean comfortable clothes from her closet and went to the bathroom. 

As she put down her clothes,turned on the water and placed down two towels near the bathtub, she noticed a weird reflection in the mirror. Christine stepped in front of it and instead of her own eyes and face looking back at her she only saw the little jester she was in the circus. 

She didn't know how long she was staring at that pale face, but as her breathing slowly picked up she ripped herself from the mirror. She moved her hands over her mouth trying to get her breathing under control while desperately attempting to convince herself she was real. Concentrating on her hands she felt her face under her fingers, it was real skin. Christine felt the small acne scars on her face and without a second thought she pinched herself harshly into the arm. 

She felt her nails digging into her skin and opened her eyes slowly looking down at the red marks of her nails that almost immediately appeared.

 Even though it calmed herself, the painted jester face still lingered like a ghost in front of her eyes. Her hands were shaking and her heart was beating so fast, she thought it would jump out her chest at any given moment.  

‘Get yourself together. It was just a nightmare.’ she thought to herself as she got up. 

Christine began taking off her clothes, they were sticking to her skin in such a disgusting way, it almost made her throw up. 

She slowly stepped into the almost full tub, flinching slightly at the hot water before completely submerging herself in it. She watched the water flowing around the tub before quickly putting her head under water, hoping that the quiet of the water would soothe her racing mind. 

Only after feeling the need to breathe Christine pulled her head out, wiping the water from her face and just staring at the tiles on the side of the tub. 

Quietly breathing she grabbed her sponge, putting some body wash on it and began scrubbing her body with it. With each stroke the scrubbing became more forceful, trying to erase the stickiness, to erase the feeling of being someone else. After a while she felt satisfied, her skin was red and burning but somehow it grounded her, knowing it was her own skin. 

When she finally emerged from the tub, her first glance fell on the mirror, and even though it was fogged up, she refused to look at it again.

Christine wrapped herself in her towel and started drying her hair with the second one she laid down earlier. After her hair felt dry enough she quickly put the towel over her mirror, not risking a look into it again. 

She made sure she could not even see a glimpse of herself in the mirror before stepping away and drying her body with her towel. 

While drying her back she noticed some weird feeling skin on the back of her left shoulder. She tried touching it, tracing the skin with her right hand. Christine was sure it felt like scar tissue but she couldn't remember where she could have gotten it from, she also wasn't able to make out the proper form of it so she decided to ignore it and finished drying herself off.

She pulled on her clothes, a t-shirt that was way too big on her and some short comfy pants. She let out a relaxed sigh finally being in her own clothes again and not in that uncomfortable Jester outfit she was forced to wear in the circus. Her mind jumped back to the circus, the people she met there and all the things she experienced, they all felt so real.

‘It only felt real, but it wasn't. It was just my weird imagination making up a hyper realistic dream of me being stuck in a circus.’  She nodded, agreeing with her thoughts before slowly making her way to her bedroom. 

Standing in front of her bed, ready to be welcomed by her blanket and pillows she suddenly realized something. 

‘I got work tomorrow.’ Christine stopped dead in her tracks. “Fuck” she mumbled before turning around and heading to her laptop. She turned it on, writing a quick mail to her boss, telling him she was sick and would visit the doctor tomorrow morning, before closing it and this time actually heading to her bed. 

She really forgot how tired she was, she moved under her covers, snuggling into the pillow before closing her eyes. Even though she was on the verge of passing out, her thoughts still drifted back to the circus before she finally fell asleep.

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She woke up again in the middle of the night, her room was dark, only a little light from the street lanterns shined in her room. She had dreamed of the circus again. 

Chewing on her lips she thought about her dream. It wasn't a nightmare this time and it felt more like a distant memory than a dream. She remembered herself, laughing and talking with the other circus characters and how happy she felt, she didn't know a dream could make her feel like that and she slowly allowed herself to think more about the circus.

She remembered them all,  Ragatha who reminded her a lot of a friend she had, Gangle and Zooble, Caine. A small smile formed on her face as she thought of them but then she remembered him. Jax. She reminisced how much fun they had in her hallucinations but suddenly recalled how it all ended.

They had a fight. 

He told her they weren't teammates, or friends, or anything at all. 

He was being an asshole and she knew he was lying. She saw through his mask but it still made her mad. Why couldn't he just admit that for once he actually enjoyed the time there.

She tried to fight him, even bit him (later she realised that she actually hurt him) but there was no honest reaction to any of the things she did and said.

She was mad and disappointed. Especially disappointed, not only in him but also in herself. 

She let her guard down, knowing exactly what kind of person he was. And she still tried. Tried to be nice to him even though Ragatha told her multiple times that it wasn't worth it. Still tried even after he snapped at her. 

She thought maybe she could still get a reaction out of him, anything to show her that he cared, even if he tried to pretend he didn't. 

So she asked the single question that had bothered her since she came here. 

“What would you do if I abstracted tomorrow?”

She looked at him scanning his face for anything.

“I’d move on” 

Something inside her broke at that moment.

“And probably forget about you.”

She stared at him, hoping he would do anything or say something, even a joke would have been better than the dreadful silence that followed afterwards.

“Okay..” she nodded

“Okay.” she gave up. She didn't want to care anymore, his behavior was exhausting. She tried, she really did, but she wasn't going to baby him for his own bad decisions. 

She turned away planning on just leaving him alone before glancing down at the gun still in her hands. Should she throw it at him? Shoot him? She didn't know. As she considered her option, Jax started talking again. She couldn't understand him, her ears were ringing and suddenly his voice was driving her crazy. 

So she decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Pomni raised the gun to her own head, glancing back at Jax who had stopped talking and stared at her in bewilderment. 

“Jeez, you cant take a-”

Everything was so loud- so she pulled the trigger. 

Finally it was quiet.

And with that her thoughts spiraled again with no more sleep in sight.

Chapter Text

For the past few days, every time Felix woke up, he expected to be back in the circus. But every day, he was greeted with the white, boring walls of his home.

He needed to do something with those walls; the white drove him crazy after being used to so much color for so long. He imagined painting it a light mossy green or a nice beige, thinking about adding some posters as well. Staring at the wall, they slowly didn't feel so real anymore. Somehow, the white felt off; it was too white, too clean, too perfect. 

He reached out, carefully placing his hand on the wall. It was cold. And it felt like a normal, real wall. 

He sighed, pulling his hand back. Two days had passed since he left the circus, and still nothing felt normal. Every day, he was scared that all this was just a dream and the next time he'd wake up, he would be back in that tent. He loved being back in reality, but at the same time, he feared it; he was horrified that all this was just some wicked dream from which he would soon wake up from.

Then he had an idea, he jumped up, rushing through his apartment into the bathroom, pulling out a razor from under the sink. 

You can't bleed in the circus.

Carefully, he fumbled a blade out of the case. When he finally held it in his right hand, he quickly, without hesitation, and without another thought, pushed it down his left palm. 

It hurt like hell, but he closely watched his hand as slowly, real red blood started running down his hand. He stared at it, slowly losing his last doubts about all of this, only to realize what he had just done. 

Felix quickly threw away the razor before cleaning out his hand in the sink. The blood didn't stop flowing, and he started to panic. He had cut himself deeper than he wanted to. 

He kneeled down, his left hand under the water, his right hand rummaging through the cupboard looking for his small first aid kit. He was glad he was tall in real life, too.

When he finally found the first aid kit, he sighed in relief, quickly putting it on the sink. Opening it, he pulled out some disinfectant and a bandage. He looked at his hand, which had slowly stopped bleeding. He then dried it with some paper towels, quickly sprayed the disinfectant on it, and quickly wrapped up his hand before it started bleeding again. 

Felix took a deep breath. He was real. This was real. He squeezed his hand again, feeling the stinging pain, and a small smile formed on his face.

____________________________________________________________________________

His day was great. He went shopping, watched some TV, and got some Spaghetti at a nearby restaurant. He was living the life. 

Felix was lying on his couch, scrolling through social media, stalking some people, and overall just relaxing. As he started feeling tired and almost dropped his phone on his face, he decided it was time to go to bed. He dragged himself up and to his bedroom and plunged himself face-first into his pillow. 

While trying to fall asleep, his mind wandered back to the circus. He had tried his best not to think about it, but right now he couldn't stop it. 

He thought about the others again, questioning if they got out and how they were handling it. His eyes opened, staring into the darkness of his room. 

No. 

He didn't want to think about them. He didn't like any of them, and he especially didn't care for them either. 

Not now, not ever.

He nodded slightly into his pillow, trying to convince himself of it before closing his eyes again, hoping he would fall asleep soon enough. 

____________________________________________________________________________

He was at the awards show, staring at the huge stage in the front. He wasn't even listening to Caine's moderation as his eyes slowly moved to the row Pomni was sitting in. He watched her, sitting next to Ragatha and seemingly chatting with her. He scoffed before pushing himself out of his seat. He couldn't do this.

After entering the bathroom, he immediately went over to the sink, quickly turning on the water. He knew he was going into a panic attack. He had one before, and he remembered how they started.

Jax tried to look at himself in the mirror, but slowly began dissociating, his breathing picked up, and he clawed into the sink trying to concentrate on the running water. As a toilet flushed behind him, he was completely ripped out of his thoughts.

He wasn't alone.

The guy came out of the stall just to disappear a second later.

Just as he was going to lock himself in one of the stalls, the bathroom door opened again. He scoffed quietly before looking at the NPC, fully ready to explode into their face.

He glared at the door only to freeze in place. That was not an NPC entering. That was Pomni. She hadn't fully entered the bathroom yet; only her comically large head was peaking through the door.

Good, she was ridiculous.

"I wanted to talk to you.."

He scoffed. “Of course you do. Just fuck off and go back to chatting with Ragatha or something.” 

He attempted to lean over to push her out of the bathroom, but he was too slow; she was already standing in front of him. 

He looked down at her, staring into her apologetic blue and red eyes. He truly pitied her. 

“I'm sorry.” She was still looking at him, and he couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed her right shoulder, trying to push her to the bathroom door. 

“If you're sorry, you'll leave me alone now.” She was resisting him; he saw how she tried pushing her feet into the ground.

“Listen, Jax- I'm really sorry- I just thought we had something.. You know, during the game.. I really thought we were friends.” Her brambling pissed him off even more, and he tried shoving her through the bathroom door. With his pushing, she tried to resist even more, placing a hand against the door, closing it again while trying to get his hand off of her. 

Realizing there was no point, he let go of her. Looking blankly down at her, a small grin formed on his face. “Did you not listen to a single thing I said earlier?” his grin widened at her gullible face. “We are not friends. Fuck I don't even know why I teamed up with you. I probably would've had more fun with lunatic Kinger. Do you not get it? I DESPISE you.” He noticed the tears forming in her eyes and the way her face seemed even paler than before. 

“But…” he promptly interrupted her. “No ‘B-but’” he tried his best to mock her shaky voice, “ we were never friends Pomni. And we never will be. Don't you realize? I don't want friends, and I don't need them either.” He thought about stopping here, but decided to add more, making sure she would finally leave him alone. “ And I especially don't need your weird, misguided savior complex dogging my every step.” He scoffed at her, putting as much disgust into his words as he possibly could. He wanted her to hurt.

Watching her gulp and try to figure out what she could say next made him chuckle. 

“Was that the same monologue you gave Ribbit?”

His eyes shot to her face, taking a small step back from her. ‘How does she know that name- I never talked about him-’ his line of thought was broken up by her talking, pure hatred pouring out of her voice.

“No wonder he abstracted.” He wanted to kill her, but he was frozen in place. 

“What? Speechless because you're not the only one who can be an ass?” she scoffed before turning around.

He directly stared into a black blob, slowly growing on her left shoulder, a brightly coloured eye glaring right back at him. 

He tried reaching out to her, but stumbled backwards at the same time.

Before he was able to say anything, she had already left the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind herself, and with it, everything around him turned black.

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Felix shot up from his sleep, heaving painfully. Clutching his chest with his hands, not being able to breathe properly. It felt like he wasn't getting air into his lungs, and he convinced himself he was actively suffocating. He tried to get up, stumbling out of his bed and towards his bathroom while trying to gasp for air. 

When he reached the bathroom, he missed the handle the first time trying to open the door, making him almost collapse to the floor. The second try was successful, he leaped into the room, turned on the sink, and quickly held his face into the water. The shock of the cold water in his face slapped him back into the moment, and he quickly pulled himself away from it. His heart was racing, but he was finally able to breathe properly again. 

He let go of the sink, slowly raising his head to look into the mirror. The first thing he saw was the purple rabbit. He quickly squinted his eyes, trying to get that image out of his head.

He never wanted to look like that again.

Carefully, he opened his eyes again. This time, looking into his own sickly pale face, sweat running down his forehead. He stared at himself before quickly moving some hair out of his face. During the motion, he notices that the sun has already begun to rise.

Trying to sleep would be useless now.

Chapter Text

Christine dragged herself out of her bed. She felt terrible, even though she had already taken a few days off to process everything that had happened to her, she still struggled to function normally. It's been three days, and she struggled with everything. She couldn't sleep properly, waking up every few hours because of nightmares or other weird dreams. 

But she needed to go to work today, she would probably be written up if she didn't, and she did not want to risk that and her job.

So she got up. Got ready and dragged herself to work. She didn't need to drive since it was merely a 5-minute walk, and it felt somewhat refreshing to breathe the fresh air after she had locked herself in her apartment for three days straight. 

When she got to work, she walked in through the back, going up the stairs to her office. It was small and hidden in the corner of the store's second floor, so no one really bothered her there often. 

As soon as she had sat down and put her bag down, the office door opened and her boss walked in. As she looked at him, she noticed the small apologetic smile on his face.

“Hey Christine. I know it's your first day being here after your sick leave, but I need to bother you. We are very understaffed on the floor, and I need you to work at the check-out counters today.”

‘What.’

“What?” she asked this time, actually speaking out loud.

Her boss gave her another apologetic look. “Listen, I'm sorry. I know you hate it out there, and I would have sent anyone else out there if I could. However, half of the crew is sick, with some sort of virus circulating. You would've been the only one up here today.” (She would have loved that.) “Even I’m going back to my roots and helping the storage team.” With that, he gave her a shrug, placing a shirt on her desk, before leaving her office, closing the door behind him.

She watched him leave through the windows until she turned around, looking out the windows, pointing into the market hall. Quietly cussing obscenities, she grabbed the shirt, regretting even coming here in the first place.

After she got dressed in the company shirt, she took her keys, locking her office door, and headed downstairs. She had worked at the register before. She knew what she needed to do and how to handle the customers. But she hated it. She despised needing to force herself to be excited to scan their groceries, needing to act like she was sooo happy seeing them in the store. And she hated the kids. 

Oh yeah, she remembered that, because the first thing she heard when entering the hall was a child screaming his lungs out. Rolling her eyes, she walked to one of the registers, while on the way, she quickly popped an ibuprofen, knowing she was going to need it today. 

As Christine sat down at the register and logged into the till, she was contemplating her life decisions. 

Why was she even here?

Why couldn't she stay in bed?

Why was she still working this god forsaken job?

She let out a quiet sigh, glancing around the store. That's when she noticed her till being the only one that was open. Great.

Her mood sank even further, and for a moment, she thought about just taking her stuff and leaving.

She could get a new job. That wasn't the problem. The problem was her hating the significant change that came with a new job. 

Another exhausted sigh escaped her lips as she suddenly saw movements near her till. Great, now she actually needed to work. 

Christine sat up straight, putting on a good passing fake smile, and started working through the first few customers.

____________________________________________________________________________

Ten minutes to go. Christine's eyes were glued to the clock hanging near the entrance of the supermarket, counting down the seconds until she could finally finish her shift. The last two hours were slow. Really slow. And she was hungry, which made her situation even worse.

Staring at the clock, she didn't even notice the young man coming up to the register, not until he dropped his stuff onto the band. She was so caught up in her dreams of leaving that the plop sound of the gummy bears and a small can of Diet Coke on the band made her flinch heavily, almost making her fall out of her stool. 

She quickly gathered herself, looking at the lanky guy in front of her, who didn't even seem to notice. His eyes were scanning the small items like gum and granola bars. 

She started to slowly scan his items, not really in a hurry, since he was literally the last person in the whole store.

Trying to hide her annoyance, she forced another polite smile (hopefully the last one of the day).

“Hello, how was your day? Did you find everything okay?” 

The guy just nodded a little at her, still glancing over the gum. ‘Okay. Rude’ she thought before glancing at his stuff that she had already scanned. 

“Is that everything?” Christine asked him. This time, he actually looked at her, and she was met with golden-brown eyes that seemed so familiar, but she couldn't pinpoint where she had seen them before.

“Just this.” The guy quickly grabbed a random pack of gum. Christine's eyes followed his hands, noticing his left hand was bandaged up, glancing him up and down. Yeah, he looked like the kinda guy who got in trouble often. She held her hand out for the gum, but instead of handing it to her, he just threw it onto the band. 

‘This is it. I quit.’ Christine thought but kept forcing her smile, which turned into a slightly uncomfortable grin as she stared at the gum, waiting for it to roll down the band. When the gum reached her, she quickly grabbed and scanned it before looking back at the young man, into those familiar eyes. 

“Is that it?” 

She asked, noticing how annoyed she sounded. The man gave her a weird raised eyebrow look, but just nodded, giving her a handful of coins and banknotes. She went to grab them, but of course, knowing her luck, some of the coins dropped down the counter into her till.

She stared at her hands, quick thoughts of throwing herself off the building after this shift rushed through her head. She gave the guy a quick look.

“S-sorry” 

She was so close to cracking. 

Christine then leaned down quickly, picking up the coins and counting the money he gave her. As fast as she possibly could, she tried giving the guy his change back, but he was just staring at her.

She quickly did a double-take. Why the heck was he staring? 

“Uhm- here's your change, sir.” 

She held out her hand to him with his change, seemingly ripping him out of his trance. He then grabbed the money and his stuff, quickly turning around to leave.

“Have a nice evening!” she quickly said, not wanting to mess with the protocol, but mumbled a little too loud “...fucking weirdo” afterwards. The man turned around again, looking confused at her. “What was that?” 

“N-Nothing!” She exclaimed, turning red in embarrassment. He was still looking at her weirdly, but finally turned around and left. 

‘Oh, I'm so done. I'm done with people. I'm done with myself. I'm hungry and I wanna go home,’ she brooded. Her eyes went back to the clock, noticing the last few seconds of her shift ticking away. 

“Finally,” she mumbled before logging out the register and quickly walking to her office. She changed out of that ugly, uncomfortable company shirt and back into her own shirt and comfy hoodie. Then she darted out the door. She needed food, fast. Her brain was working on a singular brain cell that somehow stayed alive after this excruciating day, and it felt like she was starving. 

Holding her bag, she was quickly walking down the street to the closest restaurant she remembered had takeout. She couldn't bear the thought of having anything fast-food related. Right now, her stomach wanted anything but a greasy burger and oversalted fries.

Completely caught in her mind about the things she was about to devour, she ran into something. 

Into someone.

But before she could look at the person she ran into, she heard a hissing sound on her arm, then warmth, then the sudden pain of something burning into her skin. She let out a soft yelp, shaking her sleeve, trying to get what seemed like a cigarette out of her hoodie sleeve. But instead of shaking it out, she shook it around, slightly burning other parts of her arm in the process. When the cigarette finally fell out, she was about to explode into the guy's face, but the moment she looked up at him and opened her mouth, nothing came out.

She was staring back into those golden brown eyes, and before she was able to form a proper sentence, he spoke in an obnoxious, arrogant tone.

“What the hell is wrong with you!?“

Chapter Text

Leaning back into his chair, Felix stared at the blank document in front of him. He was supposed to be looking for a job, but he couldn't even figure out what to write in his application. He didn't want to write the basic shit everyone wrote like “I've been interested in your company for a while now.” he for sure wasn't going to crawl up their asses just because he wanted to earn some money.

After 10 more minutes of not being able to come up with something, he gave up. He closed the tab and glanced at the time: 18:30. Felix decided he was going to make himself something to eat and got up, walking to his kitchen. 

Opening one empty cupboard after another, he realised that he should’ve gone grocery shopping today. 

He had been living off of take-out noodles for the past few days, so he completely forgot about the fact that he didn't have any proper food at home. 

He contemplated his option and grabbed his phone to look at the time again; 18:45. If he hurried up now, he could get to the store, get some snacks for tonight and get some takeout afterwards to feed himself somehow. 

Felix went to his bedroom, changing into jeans and a shirt. He struggled a little with putting on his jeans, cursing himself for the glorious idea of cutting himself in the hand. He really didn't think about the fact that his left hand was actually kinda needed.

After getting dressed, he grabbed a backpack, throwing in his wallet and headed out to the closest supermarket.

When he entered the supermarket, it felt like he stepped into a ghost town. There were no people in the store, and it was oddly quiet; the only person in the store was the cashier, who was seemingly staring holes into the air. He decided to just quickly get the things he needed and walked down the aisles. 

After staring at the snacks for what seemed like an eternity, he decided on something sweet. Gummi bears, he hadn't eaten any in forever. He had already grabbed a can of Diet Coke, holding it in his healthy hand, so he struggled a little to pick the bag out of the shelf. 

When he finally made it to the register, he let the stuff drop onto the band, it was louder than he expected. The young woman sitting at the register almost flinched out of her seat. He gave her a small, confused look. As she rapidly started to say the usual cashier stuff, he had already drawn his attention to the gum in front of him. He just gave her a small nod, acknowledging her speaking before considering his options with the gum.

As he was staring at the gum, the girl started talking again. “Is that everything?” This time, he actually looked at her. That voice seemed so familiar, but for a moment, he couldn't place it. Looking at her for a second longer, he panicked internally, he felt like he was staring and quickly grabbed some random gum out of the shelf. Stinging shot through his hand, and he realised he had grabbed the gum with his left hand, automatically letting go of it, dropping it onto the band.

He was going to grab it to give to the cashier, but the moment he noticed her outstretched hand and the bewildered look on her face, he let it be. Her face looked so amusing as she watched the gum roll down the band that he needed to try his hardest not to laugh directly into her face.  

‘Was this her first day or something?’ he thought as he watched her scan the gum.

“Is that it?” 

He looked into her face again, a little confused and dumbfounded at how annoyed she sounded. He just nodded, quickly pulling out some money, which he hoped was enough, out of his pocket and handing it to her. 

He watched as she grabbed the money, and of course, a few of the coins went flying everywhere. She mumbled something, but he just stared at her. This was the first time he actually looked at her face, and it hit him like a brick. She reminded him of Pomni, well, as much as a human could resemble a jester in a digital circus. He watched her as she fiddled with the coins with shaking hands, her overwhelmed expression, her eyes darting around trying to see if she missed some of the fallen coins. He kept staring at her, scanning her facial features; slightly puffy cheeks, big brown eyes, slightly uneven cut bangs-.

"Uhm- here's your change, sir.."

Her voice was barely a whisper. It cut through the low hum of the empty grocery store and the thoughts in his head. He looked down. Her hand, holding a few crumpled bills and some coins,  was still shaking, even though it wasn't as bad as before. Felix quickly grabbed the money, trying to mumble a “thanks”, but his words got stuck in his throat, so he just stuffed the money and his bought items into his backpack.

When he turned around to leave, he just wanted to leave as fast as possible. This whole situation was too awkward, even for him. 

“..fucking weirdo.” Even though he had already turned to leave, the words stopped him dead in his tracks anyway. He wasn't sure if he was supposed to hear it or not, but decided to look back at her anyway. For a split second, he thought about just ignoring it, but remembered her humorous face from before.

“What was that?” he asked, and a small smirk appeared on his face as the young woman turned bright red. His eyes scanned her face again, but before he could start staring again, he quickly turned around to leave the store, not wanting another awkward situation between them. 

After he left the store, he started to walk towards his favourite restaurant. While walking, he thought back to the cashier. 

She reminded him so much of Pomni, it was crazy. The way she looked, the round face and big eyes- but at the same time, all that could just be a coincidence. 

How could he know if Pomnis Avatar was even remotely close to how she looked in real life? If he looked at himself, he also wouldn't guess that he was a purple rabbit in the circus. The only thing that had somehow resembled him was his height and maybe his eye colour.

 He thought back to the circus and remembered how Pomni talked about her job. Didn't she say she was an accountant for a supermarket? She never said she was a cashier, and he also didn't really think of her as the kind of person who wanted to talk to people all day. 

But even then, the girl at the register didn't really seem to enjoy her time there, and if he was honest, it really looked like it was her first day, or she wasn't working the register that often. 

As he got to the restaurant, he recalled how he had only thrown the change into his bag instead of his wallet and sighed. He stopped in front and started digging through his backpack for his money. 

While searching for the last coins, he dug deeper, reaching a paper box, and he pulled it out, looking at it. Cigarettes. He hadn't had one in forever. Even before the circus, he didn't smoke as often, usually when he was out with his friends. 

He opened the box, 6 cigs and a lighter were still in it. 

He pondered for a moment before shrugging and taking one out, putting it between his lips and lighting it. He inhaled before moving the cigarette from his mouth. He knew it was a bad habit, but at the same time, it was still calming. 

He thought about the people from the circus again. 

Did he even want to meet them in real life?  

Even if that girl was Pomni, did he want to meet her again? Did she even want to meet him?

He recalled how their relationship in the circus went and how it ‘ended’. Even if he wanted to, how could he know if she wanted to know him after all the things he threw at her head during the last hours of the circus? 

He let out a quiet sigh while looking down the street.

It was slowly getting dark and colder, he regretted not taking a jacket or hoodie with him.

While looking the street up and down, he noticed a familiar short girl walking towards him. He watched her getting closer and closer, apparently not noticing him at all.

Felix thought about stepping out of the way, but in the last second decided against it. What he didn't expect was the fact that she ran into him with much more momentum than he anticipated. In shock, he dropped his cig, watching it fall down onto her hoodie and burning itself through the fabric. 

According to the weird noise that she made, it even burned her.

‘Shit, this wasn't planned, ’ he thought. Glancing down at her, as she kept shaking her sleeve trying to get out the cigarette, he tried his best to hold back a chuckle. She looked so clumsy.

But instead of an apology, he impulsively blurted out: “What the hell is wrong with you? “ 

Even Felix himself was shocked by his tone, staring down at the girl as she quickly put out the cig with her foot. He tried saying something, but was interrupted by her:

“What's wrong with me?? YOU just burned a hole in my hoodie!” Her angry eyes glared at him.

“It was an accident- I'm sor-” he was interrupted again by her scoff. 

“Pfh. For sure,” she shook her head before turning to the restaurant. She rubbed her arm before giving him another mad glare and going inside.

He watched her before sighing quietly, he contemplated whether he should really eat here today, but decided to just ignore her. He was going to get takeout anyway, so they wouldn't really interact anyway.

So he headed in after her, standing behind her in line as she ordered. While waiting, he looked around the restaurant as well as listening to her ordering. So she was getting a salmon bowl as takeout? Felix nodded to himself, approving of her order. After she was finished, he stepped towards to get his food as well. He gave the cashier his order, the same spaghetti he had gotten the last few days. 

As he was ordering, a blond-haired woman came out of the back, quickly going over to the brunette.

He watched them as they greeted each other. He noticed how blondie went in for a hug, but stopped herself as the brown haired girl slightly stepped back.

Too many coincidences.

He paid for his food, also stepping to the side, now standing behind them. The blond woman was suddenly called by her colleague, and he watched her talking to them before coming back, seemingly wanting to talk to the both of them. 

Blondie gave them both an apologetic face. “Hey, uhm, you both ordered takeout, right?” 

They both gave her a nod. 

She sighed and continued talking: “Okay- well, my colleague just informed me that we are out of takeout containers. We don't know how this happened, but we are really sorry. You can either eat here, or we will give you your money back” 

Felix sighed; he really didn't want to eat here. The restaurant was already quite full, and he usually wanted to enjoy his peace and quiet while eating. But his mind and stomach had already decided what he wanted to eat today, and he didn't have any food at home either, so he gave her a shrug. “I can eat here” 

The woman sighed, relieved; “ Thank you, I'll seat you in a moment.” She turned to the brunette, hesitating: “What about you, Christine? I know you don't like eating out..” 

He watched her closely, saw how she tensed up a little, but then also gave blondie a shrug.

“Yeah, I guess I can eat here too”  

“Oh, nice! I'm done with my shift in 20 minutes. If you want, can we chat a little? We haven't talked properly in a while?”

God, this woman reminded him of Ragatha. If the brunette really was Pomni, he didn't need to wonder how she was able to keep up with the ragdolls talking and ranting.

She turned to him again. “Follow me. We sadly don't have many tables left, so I can’t let you choose where to sit.”

Blondie led them to their tables, a single and a two-seater. She glanced between the two before motioning to ‘Christine’ to sit down at the two-seater.

Without complaint, he sat down at the single, facing the brunette. 

The blond girl quickly took their drink orders, telling them they were on the house, before hurrying back to work.

He sighed, pulling out his phone as he began waiting for his food, while continuously stealing glances at the girl sitting opposite to him.

Chapter Text

Of course, Christine knew he was staring. She felt it, and it sent shivers down her spine. 

But she decided to ignore it, trying her best to just stare at her phone, pretending to do something. 

She sighed, rubbing her arm again, flinching a little at the pain. Christine held up her sleeve, looking at the hole in it. She thought about how she was going to fix the hole, as she realised that her whole sweater smelled like cigarette smoke.

She made a disgusted face before quickly taking off the hoodie and stuffing it into her bag. 

Now that she was just in her shirt, she decided to finally look at her arm; there was one round burn and a few other smaller ones scattered across her forearm. 

She sighed, looking at the wounds, but eventually decided that they didn't need any medical attention.

When her food came, she sighed in relief, knowing she could now concentrate on it instead of him. She looked down at her food and slowly began eating. The moment she had swallowed the first bite, her body relaxed.

‘Finally some food’

Christine looked up as she noticed some motion. ‘Rude Guy’ got his food now as well, served by her friend Evelyn, who then sat down at her table. She looked at her, a little relieved that she was now sitting in front of the guy. Christine gave Evelyn a small smile.

"So, how have you been, Chris?" Eve asked, her voice light and easy as she settled back against the wall.

Now Christine was staring at the guy again, who this time wasn't actually looking at her but had started devouring his food like a starved animal. She tried to hold it together, trying not to laugh at the sight before moving her attention back to her friend, who was patiently waiting for an answer.

“I'm fine..I guess?” she hesitated. Her friend's smiling face faded into one of concern.

“What do you mean by ‘I guess’?” 

“I don't know, I just haven't felt that great the past week.”

Eve nodded slowly: “Oh, okay, do you wanna talk about it?” she asked softly.

Chris quickly shook her head: “It's fine, I can handle it, and I don't want to burden you with my problems.”

“Are you sure? I wouldn't mind listening to you rant a little about your week, or your nonexistent love life, or anything else for that matter. ” Eve spoke, a small grin on her face, forming at the end of her sentence. 

Chris laughed quietly: “My non-existing love life? You're the one to talk- you haven't had a relationship in... how many years?” A small grin stayed on her face. 

She missed talking to her. 

Eve also laughed before shaking her head a little, and with a more serious tone, she asked: “Now, tell me about your week. You look like you've been through hell. Your eyebags look even worse than usual.” A small chuckle escaped Eve's lips.

Chris forced a smile again. She didn't want to admit it, but that comment kinda hurt. She was already self-conscious about her chronic eye bags, and those words didn't make her feel any better. Looking at Eve, she started ranting.

“Well- I've had a terrible week. You know that abandoned mansion outside of town? I visited it- it was really boring though. I thought there would be more to see, but most of the rooms were just empty, and then I lost my camera?” She started talking faster, fumbling over words, but kept talking. “Because I slipped on something and passed out for like a few hours? I don't even know how that happened- I usually wear proper shoes for that. And since then, I've been having horrible nightmares and-” she stopped talking as she saw the horrified face of her friend and ‘Rude Guy’ behind her, also looking at her.

Apparently, listening to their whole conversation. As soon as he noticed he had been caught, he quickly looked away, pretending to watch the people in the restaurant. 

Before she could say anything, Eve was up and hugging her. Christine almost jumped out of her chair and flinched when Eve’s hand landed on the back of her head. "Can—can you let go of me?" she asked, her voice strained.

Eve quickly stepped away. “Oh, sorry- I just wanted to check if you hit your head or something”

Chris gave her a look that told her to drop the act. "Really? And for that, you need to hug me? You know you could've just asked if I hit my head, right?" She sighed quietly, a little disappointed. Her day was already horrible, and now Eve was already back on her "physical touch therapy" trip.

"I just—" Eve hesitated. "We're friends, right?"

She nodded, confused. “Of course.”

"So, why don't you let me hug you? Or touch you, like, at all?"

Christine looked at her in confusion; her eyes started wandering, trying to figure out what she was supposed to say now. Her eyes stopped behind Eve, where ‘Rude Guy’ was sitting, an eyebrow raised, watching their conversation go down. 

Chris quickly looked at Eve again. “What do you mean? Do you think I just suddenly want to be touched just because we've been friends since kindergarten? You know me Eve, and that's just not how this works. I'm sor-”

Eve interrupted her again, more hysterical now. “Jeez Chris- that's exactly how it works- just because your parents weren't the nicest doesn't mean you need to push everyone away from you.” 

“But I'm not-” Chris looked up at her. Eve was standing awfully close to her now.

She sighed.

“So you're saying that just because I don't like physical touch, that means I'm pushing you away? And you want me to overstep my own boundaries and forget about it, just because you want a hug?” 

Eve looked at her in bewilderment before turning around, storming off, leaving a confused and angry Christine behind, who just stared after her. 

She couldn't say she was disappointed; she knew this fight would happen at some point. Eve was always pushy when it came to her boundaries. She sighed, leaning her head on her hand and looking down at her food. She wasn't really hungry anymore.

She looked up again, trying to see if Eve was still in the restaurant, but couldn't see her. What she did see was ‘Rude Guy’ still staring at her. She looked back at him, and this time he didn't immediately look away.

“You enjoyed the show?”  she asked him, knowing he had listened to their whole fight.

A small familiar grin formed on his face: “ I don't know what you're talking about.”

____________________________________________________________________________

He wanted to talk to her. So he got up, grabbed his almost empty bowl with food, his bag, and sat down where ‘Eve’ was sitting just a minute ago.

The moment he sat down at her table, he regretted it immediately as she looked at him with an utterly confused look. Trying to lighten the mood, he said the first thing that came to his mind.

“You know it's bad manners to have your elbow on the table, right?” he pointed at her arm, where she was leaning her head on.

She still looked at him, confused.

‘Fuck, that didn't seem to work.’

His thought process was interrupted by her chuckle as she picked her head up and moved her elbow off the table before placing her arms in front of herself.

“Shit, you're right, I'm sorry,” she laughed a little.

His grin grew, and he nodded before noticing the burn marks on her arm. 

“Yeah, I'm sorry too- about your hoodie and arm, you know.” he pointed at them.

She froze before looking down at them, then she shrugged, moving her eyes back to him.

“It's alright, don't worry- it wasn't really your fault”

“Yeah, you're right, it wasn't- you ran into me like some axe murderer was hunting you.”

Another chuckle was her response. 

“I'm Christine. What's your name?”

“Oh- It's Ja-elix??” 

His brain froze for a second. Did he really try to introduce himself as Jax?

“Jaelix? Weird name, but nice to meet you anyway.”  She raised an eyebrow.

“No- sorry, it's Felix-” he looked at her, smiling awkwardly before realising: "You're messing with me.” 

She actually laughed this time; it wasn't just a chuckle or giggle, but an actual laugh. 

Christine then leaned in a little, looking at him.

“And you fell for it,” she smiled.

Chapter Text

“So, tell me about your nightmares.” Christine looked confused at Felix.

“What, why?”

“Well, it seemed like you wanted to talk about them earlier and your “friend”..” He made quotation marks in the air, ” wasn't that interested in them-, or if I'm honest, she wasn't interested in anything you said to her.”

“Really? Why..?” Felix noticed how her voice faltered, but still, he decided to be honest.

“You didn't notice? She literally looked anywhere but you and kept trying to interrupt you. ” he tilted his head. “She only looked up when you mentioned you had hurt yourself.”

“Oh..” she sighed, looking down at her hands. She knew Eve wasn't a good friend, but she had actively tried to ignore her behavior since she was currently her only one. She looked at Felix again, seeing his smile falter, and she quickly got herself together, putting on a small fake smile.

“Well, at least you were listening, am I right?” 

She grinned at how he suddenly turned a very light pink.

“Whaaaaat?? What makes you think that?” he looked at her, noticing her small grin, and threw his hands up. “Okay, okay, you got me, I was fully in for the drama. And I'm sorry for eavesdropping, but god, that girl was obnoxious. How are you able to keep up with her? That fake caring tone? Gosh- disgusting-” He shuddered in an overdramatic way.

“Don't say that about her.” The small smile faded from Christine's face.

“Why? Did you forget how she talked to you? Like you were some child who doesn't know what it wants- it was pretty obvious she was ridiculing you,” he sighed, “ and she definitely wasn't taking you seriously either. If someone told me my experiences should just be ignored and overlooked, I would probably jump them.”

This made her laugh. She looked at him, pointing at his arms.

“You should probably be scared to GET jumped, pretty sure you can't fight well if your arms are as thin as noodles,” she was now wheezing at her own comment, and he couldn't stop staring at her. Her cheeks had turned a light red, now looking like blush Pomni had drawn on in the circus.

He realised that he wasn't responding, so he quickly chuckled with her.

“What??” he said in an overdramatic tone, “so you're saying you can't see my enormous muscles?” he tried flexing his arms, which only made her laugh more. She hadn't laughed like this in the circus, and Felix realised how uncomfortable she must've been there. Felix realised what he was thinking and quickly pushed the thought away. He couldn't be sure if she was Pomni.

Christine had stopped laughing and looked at him, a little worried. 

“You okay? I'm sorry if I said something that hurt you-”

He looked at her before shaking his head, grinning, “ No, no, you're good, don't worry- but now, back to the serious topics, tell me about your nightmares.”

“Why do you wanna know about my nightmares so bad? They were nothing special- really. Just a constant reminder of something I fucked up badly.” Christine shrugged as the smile slowly faded from her face. 

“I know that feeling, don't worry about it.”

She just gave him a small nod and started talking again, quickly coming up with a white lie. “It's just- it happened a long time ago. I had a frie-.” She stopped herself, “ It was a guy I knew, we fought really badly, I said some really hurtful shit and a lot of it as well, and it still haunts me. Every day I think about wanting to turn back time to get a different outcome..." She wasn't looking at Felix anymore, but down to her hands, where she fiddled with her fingers and picked at her nails and skin. 

She was so confused with her own feelings; her thoughts were running through all kinds of scenarios.

She was scared to meet Jax, terrified of what he would say to her, and at the same time, she was horrified that he might not want to talk to her at all.

Then she was worried about herself. What would she say? Could she even look him in the eyes? What if she were just to break down and seem like a crybaby? Her thoughts went further and further with no empathy for her own feelings. 

She suddenly got pulled back to reality as someone gently poked her arm; her eyes shot to Felix, who looked at her with an unidentifiable face. 

“You okay?”

She just nodded quickly. “Yeahhh of course, I'm fine, everything's great.” She nodded, trying to convince him as well as herself

Christine hoped the lie was believable enough because she didn't want to tell a stranger about a digital circus she was trapped in. He would probably send her to a mental asylum right away, but at the same time, he didn't really feel like a stranger. Talking to him felt like talking to an old friend.. A specific old ‘friend’.

Felix just nodded, accepting her answer. 

Christine sighed in relief; she was glad he didn't push her to keep talking. 

“Uhm, well- I think I should head home? It's getting late.”

“Whattt you don't wanna spend more time with me? But I'm such a fun person to be with.”

She gave him a small smile as she got up. “If you want to, we can meet again- but I got work tomorrow and I kinda wanna get some sleep before that” 

He nodded, also getting up and grabbing his bag. “ That sounds like a good idea. Are you going to be at the register again, telling people they are “fucking weirdos?”

Felix watched as Christine froze in her movement of putting on her hoodie again. She already had both her arms in the sleeves as she slowly turned to him, staring with widened eyes. 

“Y-you heard that???”

“Well, uh, duhh, you weren't saying it that quietly, and also- I have good ears” 

Christine let out an embarrassed sigh before pulling the hoodie over her head, mumbling a quiet “sorryyy” while her face turned red.

She then pulled her hoodie all the way and tugged at the bottom. “You don’t seem like a weirdo to me anymore,” she said, her voice still a bit muffled by the fabric. She finally looked up at him, a small smile replacing her mortified expression. “ I was just having a bad day- and was fucked up by everything”

“I could tell,” he chuckled as he began walking out of the restaurant. “Didn't seem like you enjoyed your job very much.” 

Christine shook her head, “It actually isn't my job, I only helped out because we didn't have anyone else.” 

“Oh, really? Well then, what do you actually do for work?”

“I'm an accountant for the supermarket. What about you?” She looked at him as they walked out of the restaurant. 

“Me? Oh, I have like this really crazy job- you wouldn't believe me." They both stopped once they were outside, and Christine looked at him with a raised brow. 

“Really? What do you do then?”

Felix laughed a little, "I'm not telling you, that's my secret.” Christine rolled her eyes, mumbling a “sure” before looking around. “Uh- well, I should head home- I need to go that way,” she pointed down the street. 

“Me too,” Felix nodded as they started walking again. He then grabbed his bag and started rummaging through it while trying to see where he was going. After a second, he pulled out the cigarettes, closed the backpack, and put it back over his shoulder. 

Christine watched him as he took one out and lit the cigarette, before she could say something, he held the box to her face. 

“You're looking at me like you want one.”  

She hesitated. She had smoked before, with Eve. During college, she had a phase where she started smoking, but quit soon after. She shrugged before taking one.

“Sure, thanks,” Felix nodded as he handed her the lighter, watching as her face was lit up by the fire. Christine let out a small cough as she took her first drag before handing him his lighter back. 

“Soo Chrissy, you have smoked before?”

“Chrissy?” she asked him with an amused look before giving him a small nod. “Yea- during college, started because of Eve but stopped after like a year.” She looked down at the glowing cig in her hand. 

Felix looked down at her before stopping at the street in front of them.

“Ohhh, so I'm enabling your healed addiction,” he nodded to himself with a grin.

 ”Well, where are we going now?” 

Christine only gave him a small chuckle before walking up the street. She stopped at an apartment complex. It was a nice building, not too shabby, but you could tell it wasn't expensive either. 

“Here,” she gave a nod towards the door, and he stopped beside her. 

“So, you really want to meet up again?” He looked at her with a questioning face. 

“Sure, if you'd like? Uh, give me your phone so I can put my number in- I'm not sure when I'll be done with work tomorrow.” 

Felix nodded and gave her his phone. He looked away as she started typing in her contact info, hoping she wouldn't see his slightly red face. 

He knew this was just something casual with a girl he had literally just met today,  but it still made him feel something. He looked back at her as she gave him his phone back.

Christine stepped towards the door, pulling out her key. She looked back at him and gave him a small wave. 

“Well, Goodnight, Felix, see you tomorrow?” She gave him a genuine smile as he nodded. 

“Yeah- goodnight Christine.. I'll text you later.” Christine waved once more before entering the apartment complex, letting the door fall closed behind her.

Felix stared at the door for a good minute. He wasn't sure what to do now; his eyes wandered down to his phone, going over Christine's number over and over again. 

Was she Pomni? The possibility felt both absurd and overwhelmingly real. The coincidences were too many, too specific, to be mere chance. An accountant who loved exploring abandoned buildings and filmed her adventures? It was an exact match. He thought of her hair, the way she wore it, and even the simple, slightly awkward way she waved goodbye—it all screamed "Pomni" to him.

Christine reminded him so much of Pomni, and even if he didn't want to admit it to himself, He missed her. Even though they hadn't spent much quality time in the circus, and even if he messed up their friendship with his dumb problems, he still felt like there was a connection there. 

With Christine, there were just too many coincidences. 

She was an Accountant, just like Pomni. 

She was exploring abandoned buildings just like Pomni. 

And if he understood correctly, she also filmed herself while doing so, just like Pomni.

He thought back to her face. Her eyes were so similar, they were round and expressive and told a lot more than she was saying with words. He remembered the look on her face when they fought, that same kicked-puppy look he’d just seen on Christine’s face when her friend left her alone at the restaurant. 

He sighed, remembering their fight. Even if she were Pomni, why would she want to know him anymore? 

____________________________________________________________________________

When he got to his place, he quickly went inside, threw his stuff into the corner beside the door, and let himself fall onto his couch. After lying there for a while, he pulled out his phone, going through his contacts looking for Christine's number.

After he found it, he quickly wrote a message:

Hey, this is Felix. Today was fun, do you wanna meet for coffee tomorrow?

He stared at the message before shaking his head, nahh, way too corny. 

Hey, this is Felix. Do you wanna meet for coffee tomorrow? 

He sighed. It still sounded weird, like he was forcing her to meet up with him. But she said she would be open to meeting up tomorrow, he thought before quickly sending the message and throwing his phone to the other corner of the couch. 

He didn't want to be on his phone when she answered him.

He was certain that she was Pomni.

Chapter Text

When Christine woke up, she felt terrible. She was plagued by nightmares again, but this time it wasn't just her mental health but also her body. She slowly got up and walked into her kitchen. The first thing she did was make herself a cup of coffee, as she leaned against the counter, holding back a yawn.

‘If I need to work the register again, I quit,’ she decided for herself. After she emptied her cup of coffee, she walked back to her bedroom and grabbed her phone. She hadn't expected any message, so she was even more surprised when she noticed a text. 

Christine quickly opened the message, still half asleep, she needed to read it three times before completely understanding its meaning:

Hey, this is Felix. Do you wanna meet for coffee tomorrow? 

She looked at the message, remembering yesterday. Almost the whole day was a blur for her. She thought back to her fight with Eve, her stomach twisting a little at the memory of it. Then she remembered Felix. She was shocked at herself, never in her 25 years did she get along with a random stranger this well,- even though he never really felt like a stranger, but more like a friend she hadn't seen in a very long time. 

Christine noticed that she was still staring at the message before typing a reply.

Heyy, sure. There's a nice cafe close to my work, we could meet there? I should be free at like 4 if that's fine for you. 

She quickly sent the message, making sure she couldn't overthink it. She then began getting ready for work. She didn't feel great, her whole body hurt, and she wasn't sure if she was getting sick or if her declining mental health was taking a toll on her body now as well.

After getting ready and grabbing all her stuff, Christine started heading to work.

____________________________________________________________________________

During Christine's workday, her physical health kept declining. She now had a raging headache that even two ibuprofens couldn't fix, her throat had started to hurt halfway through the day, and her body felt unbelievably heavy. 

She thought about canceling her meeting with Felix, but felt bad, so after she finished her shift, she left the building and started walking to the cafe they had decided to meet at.  

When she got there, she was way too early. Suddenly, the sky started turning darker, so Christine decided to go inside already. She got seated at a table near the window so she could watch the people passing by. Christine pulled her phone out and gave Felix a quick text, saying she was already at the cafe. She then leaned her head on her hand again and started staring out the window. Christine began to slowly dissociate as she thought about yesterday.

She didn't really understand why Felix had talked to her. She was really rude to him in two different instances, and he somehow still talked to her. Why? She couldn't figure it out, no matter how hard she thought about it. Then her thoughts went to his behaviour. She didn't really notice the day before, but recalled how much he reminded her of Jax, but in a way nicer version. The jokes he told reminded her of him, even that weird grin that seemed to be plastered on to the boy's face…

Her thoughts were interrupted by someone tapping on the table; she jumped a little before looking into a familiar face.

“Hey, watcha thinking ‘bout?” he asked before sitting down at the table.

“Oh, hey.” She cleared her throat and gave him a small smile: “Nothing really.” 

“Really? Because it seemed very captivating, I've been standing here for like a good minute.” 

“What?? Why didn't you say anything? I'm so sorry.” Christine's face started to heat up as she turned red in embarrassment.

“You're good, don't worry about it,” he laughed as he leaned back in his chair. “Soo, how was work? I didn't see you at the registers today, so I guess they allowed you to rot in your office again?”

Christine nodded with a small chuckle: “Yeah- my boss wanted me to, but I threatened to quit if he put me at the registers again- and I guess that convinced him” 

Felix shook his head, “For real? You don't seem like the kind of person who could be threatening-”

He was interrupted by a server who asked them if they wanted to order. They both nodded and ordered their drinks. Christine had a black coffee and Felix an espresso with milk. 

“You drink coffee black? That's disgusting,” Felix made a weird bleh sound after Christine ordered her coffee. 

"Black coffee is disgusting? You're missing out," she countered, "It's the only way to really taste the coffee.”

Surprisingly, the waiter came back rather quickly with their drinks, placing them in front of the two.

"Taste it? It tastes like burned tires and regret," Felix said with a dramatic shudder, taking a sip of his espresso. "This, on the other hand, is a civilized drink. Smooth, creamy: perfection."

"And a little bit boring," she teased, stirring her black coffee. "It's like drinking a dessert instead of a drink."

"Dessert is good! Why would you want to avoid dessert?" he laughed. "Seriously, how can you drink that bitter stuff without a single drop of sugar or milk?"

"I don't know, how can you drink something that needs milk and sugar to be drinkable?" Christine shot back. Felix just shook his head again, a grin spreading across his face. 

"Touché. But if you want to convince me, you still have a long way to go."

Christine took another sip of her coffee, letting out a quiet sigh as the hot drink soothed her aching throat a little. She noticed Felix looking at her a little weirdly, even though she wasn't sure if that was just her interpretation, so she quickly tried to find something to talk about.

“So I've been meaning to ask- what did you do to your hand?” She pointed to his left hand, which was still wrapped in a bandage. 

Felix stared at her before looking down at his hand, trying to come up with a believable lie, quickly. He couldn't just tell someone he almost went into a psychosis about whether he was even real, and cutting himself was the only way to prove it. 

He noticed that Christine had raised an eyebrow, waiting for an answer.

“Well, funny story actually-” he started, “ so a few days ago I tried to cook something, and I was moving something out of the way, and that accidentally pushed the knife off the counter. And because of my super great Spiderman-like reflexes, I of course grabbed it and uh yeah that's basically it” 

He looked at Christine, who now had a hand covering her face, obviously trying to hold back a laugh. She glanced at him before breaking into a rather quiet giggle. 

“I'm sorry, but that is rather embarrassing than funny,” she chuckled as she looked at him. 

He didn't want to admit it, but it still hurt- even though Felix tried to shed his jax personality as fast as he could, there was still a lot of him left inside. One of those things is the funny guy archetype. 

“Whatt- so you're saying I'm not funny-oh wow that's harsh,” he exclaimed, pretending to be offended.

Christine quickly shook her head, which she immediately stopped because it made her feel like she was going to throw up; “Noo, you're really funny, but like why would you grab the knife while falling-” she chuckled and quickly took another sip of her coffee.

Felix nodded at that; “Yeah, like I said, reflexes, realised too late, I guess.” he shrugged and looked at her.

There was a moment of awkward silence between them while they just looked at each other. After a few more seconds, Christine lowered her eyes, looking into the black void of her coffee, and she started chewing on her lips as Felix suddenly broke the silence.

“Sooo uh, what did you do with your hoodie? Did you throw it away?-If yes, I can get you a new one,” he suggested.

Christine quickly looked up again, shaking her head; “ Oh no, don't worry- ill probably just sew a patch on the hole. And even if I wouldn't want you to buy me a new one.” 

Felix nodded, and then it was quiet again. They looked at each other for a good minute until Christine broke eye contact and looked out of the window. By now it was storming outside, and rain was pouring down as if it were the end of the world. 

“Uh- shitty weather today, right-?” 

Felix raised a brow before answering in the most sarcastic tone possible, his eyes still fixated on her. “ Really, wow, I almost didn't notice,” he let out a small scoff, and quickly finished his coffee. 

Christine looked back at him, rolling her eyes with a small smile on her face; “Do you need to make a joke out of everything?” She felt weird saying those words. The last time she said something similar was during the argument with Jax. Her stomach twisted, and she felt like she was going to throw up. Even though she dreamt about the circus and their arguments every night, it still made her feel sick to her stomach thinking about it.

She snapped back into reality as she suddenly felt a gentle push against her forehead. Christine stared at Felix, who still had his hand close to her face.

“You good? You look like you've seen a ghost.” Felix asked, looking at her a little worried.

The brunette slightly nodded her head, still feeling unwell. “Uhm- yeah, I guess, I'm just not feeling that well?”  

Felix nodded before looking out the window for a moment. “Well- the weather is still shit but-” he got interrupted by Christine, who turned more pale by the minute; “Sorry, but I really want to go home.” Her voice was shaky, and she was staring at her hands clasped tightly in her lap, the knuckles white.

Felix didn't push. He simply nodded and began to pack up his things. "Okay. Let's go. I'll meet you at the door," Christine nodded as well and got up She didn't question anything and just slowly walked over to the door. While Felix kept an eye on her, he quickly paid for both their coffees before meeting her at the door. 

He walked outside with her, immediately being hit by heavy rain. They started walking to Christine's apartment, and when they got there, both of them were completely soaked. 

Christine was able to think more clearly now. The rain was somehow calming her, even if she felt incredibly uncomfortable in her wet clothes. She got out her keys quickly, opening the door to the stairwell. She slipped inside, pulling Felix with her. He tried to protest, “ I can just run home from here, it's not that far.” Christine shook her head, walking up the stairs, "You'll get sick, I have an umbrella I can give you- maybe even a shirt or something.” 

Felix sighed as he began following her. “You don't need to take care of me, you know-” "Don't care,” Cristine replied as she got to her apartment door. She quickly stepped inside, holding the door open for Felix to enter. Usually, she would feel awkward for having someone she barely knew over, but she felt too sick to care. Her stomach started turning again, and she quickly closed the door before putting her hand in front of her mouth. Without paying attention to Felix, she ran to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before her almost non-existent stomach contents emptied themselves into the toilet.  She didn't stop until it was only see-through liquid being thrown up. Christine leaned onto the toilet; her whole body was shaking, her throat was burning, and tears were running down her face. She looked up as she heard steps close to her and looked at Felix, who stood beside her, handing her a glass of water. 

“Well- this looks like a lot more than just ‘not feeling well,’” he sighed as he waited for her to use the water. After Christine had cleared her mouth with the water and gotten up, she tried to mumble a “thanks”. She wiped the tears from her cheeks before looking at Felix again.

“Uhm- I'm sorry, I should give the umbrella or something- I don't want to get you sick as well.” 

Felix stared at her before nodding. He wasn't sure how to act in this situation; he had stood in the entrance for a minute listening to her hurl her guts out before having the great idea of getting her a glass of water. “Thanks, you could've just let me run home, you know,” he mentioned as he followed Christine through her apartment as she searched for the umbrella.

She didn't answer him, but instead finally pulled out the umbrella from a drawer and handed it to him. 

“You should probably go home- I don't want you to get sick and I don't want to be the reason for it,” she sighed as she moved some hair out of her face. Felix nodded before ruffling her hair so it would fall into her face again. “Don't worry about it, I have a crazy good immune system. But you get well soon, alright? Text me if you feel any better .”  Christine gave him a small glare, trying to wave away his hand, but nodded.

With those words, he gave her a wave before finding his way out of the apartment. 

Watching him leave, a shiver ran down her spine. Christine realised she was still in her wet clothes, so she dragged herself to her bedroom where she quickly changed into dry ones. Afterwards, she immediately buried herself in her bed. 

Even though she felt sick, sleep wouldn't come. Her mind raced, replaying every interaction with Felix. She froze as she started seeing the familiar patterns in his behaviour, his gestures, and even his grin were the same.. 

The only difference, she kept telling herself, was that Felix seemed kinder. He didn't have that cruel glint in his eye that Jax had, that quiet arrogance that made her feel small. He didn't make jokes based on other people's misery either. 

The close comparison of the two made her stomach turn again. She didn't want Felix to be Jax. She had decided that even if she had the chance, she did not want to meet him ever again. Not even because she was still mad at him, but rather because the guilt was eating her alive.

She knew that if they met, she wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes. Not after everything she had said to him.

So she convinced herself that it was all just a huge coincidence. Felix wasn't Jax, and she didn't want him to be.

But at the same time, she craved for someone who shared her experience.

Chapter Text

The first thing Felix did when he woke up the next morning was check his phone. He was looking for a text or a call from Christine, but there was nothing.  There wasn't a single message or a missed phone call, and he started to feel a little worried. When he realized what he was doing, he froze. 

Why was he like this? Why was he so worried for her? He for sure didn't want to be. The anxiety that had been building in his chest suddenly felt ridiculous.

But then he remembered her face after she had just thrown up; her face was so pale it reminded him of her in the circus. He had been so worried she would collapse. Even as she fumbled to find an umbrella for him, her hands trembling, he was half-convinced she would just collapse to the ground. That wasn't a normal reaction to a bad meal or a simple cold, he thought to himself. 

Even though she told him that she just “wasn't feeling that well,” he didn't believe her. He could tell from her eyes and body language that this full collapse of hers was something that had been brewing for some time.  So he decided to help her. 

Felix didn't know why he was doing this, and he didn't care. His messed-up feelings could wait.

After he got up and made his first cup of coffee, he tried calling her, but to no avail. It seemed that Christine had her phone turned off because the moment he called, there was a voicemail answering him. 

He thought about some things someone sick might need, and the first thing that came to his mind was proper food. He remembered how Christine had thrown up the day before, and it was obvious she hadn't eaten anything all day. He didn't know what she liked, but chicken noodle soup was a universal remedy. He could make a quick trip to the grocery store. After he could quickly go bring her the stuff with the excuse of bringing her her umbrella back. 

Felix agreed with his own idea and emptied his cup of coffee before getting ready.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

When he stood at the front door, he hesitated to ring the doorbell; his "oh so great" idea of playing the concerned knight in shining armor suddenly felt really, really stupid.

What was he even doing? This wasn't a movie.  She could open the door and look at him like he was a complete lunatic. Hey, I saw you throw up last night, so I made you some chicken soup. The line sounded insane in his head. He should have just sent a text, a simple, "Hope you're feeling better." He could have been home in his pajamas, watching TV, instead of standing on her doorstep like a creepy stalker. 

He felt a blush creep up his neck. He was a grown man, standing on a stranger's doorstep with a bag of groceries like some lovesick teenager. This was a terrible idea. He should just leave the bag and go. No, that was even weirder. He should just leave, period. 

Just as he was about to turn around again, as the front door of the multi-unit opened, he looked at the person opening the door, hoping it would be Christine, but instead an angry-looking granny made her way out of the house. He sighed, watching her, but noticed the door still falling closed. Without a second thought, he slipped inside.  

Felix began walking up the stairs to Christine's apartment until he stood in front of her door. He hesitated again. His great idea suddenly seemed so monumentally stupid. He could practically hear his own internal monologue, a panicked voice yelling at him to turn around and run. He let out a quiet groan, annoyed at his own thoughts, and quickly rang the doorbell.

No turning back now.

He waited for a good minute and thought about leaving again as he suddenly heard footsteps behind the door. Seconds later, the door in front of him slowly opened, and a very sickly looking Christine stared at him. He looked back at her and gave her a small wave with his free hand.

“Heyy– uh, I got your umbrella- and I got you food.” 

No response. 

She still stared at him, pure confusion written in her face. Felix wasn't sure what to do or say now, but then, slowly, Christine stepped to the side, opening the door wider. She didn't say a word, just motioned for him to come inside with a slight tilt of her head. 

He shuffled past her into the apartment and looked around a little. The couch was now pulled out, blankets and pillows scattered across it. On the TV was a show playing, but he couldn't understand anything since the volume seemed to be turned really low. He kicked off his shoes and walked to the kitchen aisle, placing the food on it. 

He heard the door click shut and glanced back at Christine, who was now shuffling toward the couch. She looked back at him and sighed, her shoulders slumping before she slowly turned and made her way back. She stood there for a moment, her eyes fixed on the bag in his hand, a strange mix of confusion and exhaustion on her face.

"You didn't have to-" her voice rasped, quickly turning into a harsh cough as she turned her head away from him.

"I know, but I wanted to," he said, the words coming out a little too fast. "I was also like, really bored, so yeah." He shrugged, trying to keep the mood light and failing miserably. "I got you some soup." He held out the grocery bag, the plastic crinkling loudly. 

“Go sit down, I don't want you to get any worse. I'll warm this up,” he gave her a small smile which quickly faded as he noticed that she wasn't smiling back.

“Why are you doing this?” Christine looked up at him.

Felix froze. He expected anything else. Maybe a thanks or just a nod. Not the exact question, he didn't even have an answer for himself. The words "I was worried about you" were on the tip of his tongue, but they felt too big, too soon, too much for a person he barely knew.

He looked at her, at the dark circles under her eyes and the way she was hunched in on herself, and his anxiety suddenly felt ridiculous. He decided to turn back to his earlier plan, to play it cool. He forced a wide, goofy grin onto his face. "What? Can't a guy bring a damsel in distress some soup without it being a whole thing?" he joked, wincing inwardly at how lame it sounded. "Besides, I figured if I didn't, you'd just keep ghosting me, and honestly, this soup is too good to be ignored."

Christine sighed at that answer, even though she didn't expect anything else; she was still hoping for a different response. She nodded, glancing at his face again while giving him a small nod. She then turned around and walked back to the couch. “ Do what you want..” 

Felix heard the soft thump of her body as she sank onto the couch, the springs groaning in protest. He stood there awkwardly for a moment, the plastic grocery bag still in his hand. He watched her curl into a ball, pulling a blanket over herself as if to disappear from the world entirely. 

He then started preparing the food, put the soup in a proper bowl, and began heating it in the microwave. While the soup heated up, he turned back to Christine. 

“Do you want some tea? I've brought some if you don't have any.”  he watched her head perk up and look at him before nodding slowly. “How much did you bring??” she asked, still utterly confused. “Just some stuff to get you back to health, cant have you dying on me, huh?” Felix shrugged before pulling the tea out of the grocery bag. “I got peppermint or chamomile? Though I'm guessing chamomile is better for your stomach right now.” He grabbed the tea and started heating up some water.

“Where are your cups?” he glanced back at Christine. 

“The cupboard to the left.” 

He nodded, finding a clean mug and dropping a tea bag into it. He waited for the water to boil before filling the cup. He grabbed the now-warm soup from the microwave and turned to face her again. "Spoon?-"

“The drawer right in front of you.” 

Felix quickly retrieved a spoon, then carefully gathered the bowl, mug, and spoon, making his way over to the couch.  He placed the bowl and cup in front of Christine before ruffling her hair again. He liked doing it. Her hair was soft, and it looked funny when he had messed it up. She shot him a weak glare, but he could tell it wasn't serious.

“Now eat up and get better,” he chuckled before dropping down on the couch beside her. With a respectable distance, of course.

Christine didn't respond. She just stared at the soup, then slowly reached for the spoon. She took a small sip, her expression not changing. She took another spoonful, her shoulders relaxing slightly as the warmth seemed to spread through her. She didn't feel hungry at all; her whole body was aching, and every spoon she ate burned in her throat. Christine continued to eat, though. Not because she wanted to, but out of respect for Felix. 

After a few more spoonfuls, Christine put the bowl down and turned to face him. Her tired eyes finally held a hint of a smile. "Thank you," she said, her voice soft and genuine. Her eyes wandered back to the TV. There was still a show running, but she hadn't really paid attention to it. She sighed as she rubbed her neck, trying to massage a few points on her back that were hurting the most. Her fingers graced the scar on her shoulder again, and she froze. She had completely forgotten that scar, and she still didn't know where she could've gotten it from.  

Christine glanced over at Felix, who seemed to be completely zoned out, staring at the blank television screen. "Uhm, Felix, can you take a look at something for me?" she asked hesitantly.

His head snapped toward her, his eyes wide. "Uhm, sure. What is it?"

"I have a scar on my shoulder, and I don't know where it's from. I can't tell what it looks like." She slowly turned her back to him, pulling the neckline of her oversized sweatshirt down to reveal the pale skin of her shoulder. "It's on my left shoulder."

Felix moved a little closer, carefully pulling the oversized sweatshirt to the side. He was grateful for the loose fit, as it made the gesture less awkward. His eyes widened when he saw it. The scar wasn't a small mark, but a large eye that spread across her left shoulder. It was a perfect, unsettling oval with distinct irises and a pupil, as if it somehow had branded itself into her.

He slowly raised his hands, which were shaking, and carefully traced the outline of the scar. Christine flinched at the soft touch, and he mumbled a quick, "Sorry." But his eyes were still glued to the mark.

Memories of their last fight in the circus flashed before his eyes. He remembered how Pomni had turned away from him, and how the terrifying, colorful eye had stared back at him from that very same spot.

The exact same eye, the exact same spot. 

He inhaled sharply, the air catching in his throat. He felt the blood drain from his face as he quickly pulled his hand away and scrambled back from her, putting as much distance between them as the small couch would allow. He didn't know what to say.

“It...looks like an eye,” he didn't dare to look at her.

Christine slowly turned to him with a confused look. She tried to twist her body to see her own shoulder, but it was impossible. She looked at Felix, his expression disturbed and distant. "What is it?" she asked, a note of fear creeping into her voice as she tried to look at the scar again. Her mind raced, sifting through every possible memory.

“..you were abstracting. “The words basically fell out of Felix's mouth. Christine froze for a second, then her head slowly turned to Felix, her mouth slightly agape.

“What did you say?” she whispered.

Felix couldn't speak. He didn't want to say that, and he couldn't understand how his brain could betray him like this. He stared at Christine, who still looked at him with wide eyes. Felix opened his mouth again, trying to say something, but she just shook her head. Her voice cold.

“Don't.”

He closed his mouth, the words dying on his tongue. The silence between them was thick and tense. She didn't look sick anymore; she looked terrified. Christine slowly brought her hand to her shoulder, pulling at her hoodie to cover the scar as if to hide it from him.

He had just given her a key to a nightmare she didn't know existed. The simple act of trying to care for her had now opened a new, horrifying door, and he was the one who had opened it.

Chapter Text

Minutes after their conversation, Christine had kicked him out. 

She had kicked him out. 

He tried to talk to her again, but she kept pushing at him, forcing him out of the door.

She had asked him if this was another one of his sick jokes.

She had asked if he had tried to get close just to hurt her again. 

She had asked him how long he had known who she was. 

Felix couldn't answer any of her questions.

His mind wouldn't work, and he had just stared at her when she did. 

“I knew it,” she had scoffed at him before slamming the door.

Three simple words that hit harder than any punch. It wasn’t anger he saw—anger he could have fought, talked against. It was disappointment, a deep, soul-crushing disappointment that spoke of a betrayal more profound than he could have ever imagined. In a desperate attempt, he tried ringing the doorbell again, but to no avail. He stood there for what felt like hours before he finally decided to head home.

____________________________________________________________________________

He had been lying in his bed for days, and the guilt was eating him alive.

Every single interaction with Pomni and Christine flashed in front of his eyes. Every glance, every joke, and especially their fights. They had burned themselves into his mind, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get them out of his head.

​Is this another one of your sick jokes?

​No. It was never a joke. He had sought her out for one reason, a selfish, foolish reason he now couldn't even justify. He needed her company. He yearned for it. Even if he didn't want to admit it, she was the only one he'd let close in what felt like years. 

A bitter laugh escaped his lips. He hated the circus. He told himself he did, convinced by his own words. He reminded himself of the nights he'd lain awake, the acrid taste of self-loathing coating his tongue, so disgusted by the things he'd done that sleep was an impossibility.

But did you really? The voice in his head was a cold.. It wasn't a question, but an accusation.

The answer was a truth so ugly he’d buried it deep. He hadn’t hated it. Not all of it. A part of him, a small, shriveled part, had loved it. It was the only time he felt truly in control. Of himself, his actions, and everything around him.

You knew what you were doing.

He flinched. The memory of those nights felt different now. Less like a nightmare, more like an elaborate stage show he’d put on for himself. The disgust he’d felt hadn’t been a genuine revulsion for his actions; it was disgust for his inability to escape, for the weakness he saw in himself. He hadn't truly hated the things he'd done, not at the time. He'd been good at them. Too good… He knew the cost- the loss of his humanity, the chipping away of his memories, the slow, insidious process of becoming this ‘funny’ character, instead of a person.

Ribbits' abstraction was your fault, just like Pomnis was.

No, it wasn't. He tried to convince himself. Ribbit was struggling for a long time. 

But you ignored it. You pushed his human emotions away. Just like you did, Pomnis. And your own. 

He had ignored it. He had pushed his human emotions away. It was a truth so simple, so devastatingly accurate, it took his breath away. He had done it with Pomni. He had pushed her away because her vulnerability mirrored his own, a weakness he couldn't bear to face. Her humanity was a painful reminder of the piece of himself he had willingly amputated.

And his own? He had shoved his own feelings into a locked box the moment Ribbit abstracted. He had performed with a forced manic energy that served as a wall between him and the creeping horror of his reality. He'd become an actor, an empty shell playing the part of a carefree, funny guy.

Pomni saw it. She had read him in like a book. And even now, she still could. 

She had seen through his manic grins and his desperate attempts at cheerfulness.

Felix tossed in his bed again. He felt terrible.

He took out his phone. He found Christine’s name and just stared at it. He moved his thumb toward the call button, but he didn't press it. Then he went to text her. The little cursor blinked on the screen, waiting.

He typed, “I know this is…” and deleted it.

He tried, “I should have told you…” and deleted that too.

He couldn't think of anything to say that would make sense. The truth was too big, too messy to put in a text. He wanted to tell her everything- but the fear was still there, like a tight knot in his stomach. He was scared of what she would say, and even more scared of what she might not say at all.

He put his phone away. He couldn't do it. He didn’t have the courage. He was a man stuck in the past, and she had just closed the door on his future. He had lost her again, and he knew it was his own fault.

And there it was again.

That feeling.

His breath got faster as suddenly everything around him started to feel surreal. Felix gripped his chest as his vision started to blur. 

He didn't feel real. 

“You aren't.” The voice in his head whispered.

He gasped as he slowly got out of bed, trying to drag himself into his bathroom. His legs felt like lead, heavy and unresponsive, as he stumbled out of his bedroom. The air was thick and heavy, pressing down on him, stealing his breath. He fumbled for the doorknob, his hand shaking so violently he could barely grasp it.

The floor felt like ice under his bare feet. The bathroom walls began to twist and swirl. His face in the mirror was a stranger, pale and afraid. He splashed cold water on his face, but the cold didn't help.

Panic took over. It was like a hand around his throat. His legs gave out, and he slid down the wall, ending up in a shaking pile on the floor. His head spun. Was he really here? The voice in his head said no.

His eyes hovered over the floor in panic, trying to find a point to concentrate on. Then he saw the bloody bandage in the trash, which he had thrown away earlier after changing it. Felix remembered how he proved to himself he was real last time. 

He crawled over to his cupboard under the sink, his legs too heavy to walk. He opened the door, trying to take out his razor blades with shaking hands. Trying to be as careful as he possibly could, in this moment, he got out another blade, he stared at his hand, which was still hurt, and his eyes wandered up his arm.

He had done this before. He knew exactly what was about to happen.

He decided to do it anyway. Slowly, he pressed the blade's edge against his skin before he began to drag it down.

The pain grounded him. 

He stared at the cut, waiting for the red to come to the surface. 

It took too long.

So he did it again. 

And again.

And again.

Felix only stopped as the blood stopped him from seeing his arm at all. He watched as the beads of blood kept trailing down his arm, dripping onto the floor. Each drop was a whisper: You are here. This is real. The razor fell from his fingers, clattering softly onto the floor.

The blurring colors of the room started to separate into distinct objects again. The cold tile beneath his knees was just tile. The wall was just a wall. 

Felix's eyes slowly moved back to his arm, realizing what he had just done. He let out a frustrated groan, leaning his head against the wall behind him and staring into the light of the small bathroom lamp.

“Fuck.”

____________________________________________________________________________

“I knew it.” The words she had spat at him echoed in her mind, the cold, bitter truth. She had known. A part of her had known from the very beginning. And she had ignored all the signs. Everything about him just screamed ‘Jax’.

She has decided to ignore it. All of this was her own fault. She pushed away the only person who could relate to her experience. 

She had collapsed behind her door after she had slammed it shut in front of Felix's face. She didn't bear to look at him because she knew she would've broken down in tears. 

So she did afterwards. She sat against the doors for hours quietly sobbing, not sure what to do with her emotions.

The tears were gone, replaced by a cold regret that settled deep in her bones. She replayed the scene in her mind. She saw his face, and it wasn't the face of a liar. It was the face of a man trapped by his own shame. His silence wasn't guilt; it was a pain so deep he couldn't speak. He was just as broken as she was. He was just as lost.

She stood up, her legs stiff. The apartment was too quiet. The door, her last defense, felt like a prison she had built herself. The biggest lie was that she was the victim. The truth was, she had been a coward. She had run from him just like she ran from the circus, scared of the reflection he showed her, terrified of facing the reality that her own actions had left her just as alone as she had been in that digital cage.

Chapter Text

A few days later

Christine woke up to the sound of her doorbell being rang repeatedly. She groaned and slowly got up, dragging herself to her front door. She was praying it wasn't another one of her coworkers who tried to play worried about her being sick again. 

She yawned as she got to her door. She sighed, trying to put on a smiling face for whoever was standing there, then she opened the door.

Christine's face immediately turned pale when she saw who was standing there. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” she asked Felix, her voice sounding more annoyed than she wanted it to. She looked at him, suddenly noticing how puffy his face looked. His eyes were a little red, and her weird mix of feelings quickly turned into worry. 

“What's wrong?” 

“They threw me out of my apartment.” His voice broke a little, which confirmed her suspicion that he had been crying.  “Why did they kick you out?” she asked, noticing the overfilled backpack on his shoulders. She sighed before pulling him inside. 

“Don't answer that, go sit down.” 

She closed her door and walked to her kitchen, watching Felix as he took off his shoes and sat down on the couch. ‘He looks so broken,’ she thought to herself, before starting to boil some water. As the water boiled, she watched the slumped figure on her couch. She didn't know how to feel about this, having him back here. 

The kettle clicked. She grabbed a mug, a peppermint tea bag, and poured the steaming water. She walked over to the couch, her eyes not leaving Felix once. Christine placed the mug on the coffee table and sat on the opposite end of the sofa, a safe distance away.

“So…what happened?” her voice a little softer as she looked at him, concerned. 

Felix wrapped his hands around the warm mug, the heat a small comfort against the cold dread in his stomach. He looked at the steaming peppermint tea, then up at Christine. Her face, a moment ago hardened with frustration, was now a mask of genuine concern. It was a look he hadn't seen directed at him in a long time.

He took a shaky breath, the words catching in his throat. "I couldn't pay rent."

Felix gripped the warm mug. "I couldn't pay rent."

The words were simple, but they held the weight of his entire situation. 

Christine’s eyes dropped to his backpack, then back to his face. She understood. She didn't need to ask why he didn't have money. She knew the circus took more than just time; it took the ability to live in the real world.

"It's... It's harder than I thought it would be," he finally mumbled, the truth raw and painful. "Coming back. Everything is so real. The bills, the food... it's all so... solid."

He looked at her, hoping she would get it. She didn't say anything, but her eyes were lost in thought, reflecting the same trauma. She knew the struggle. She knew the shock of a life where everything had a real cost. She swallowed, a small sign of understanding. At that moment, he felt a little less alone.

“I lost my job shortly before I entered the circus.. For the first few days, I didn't even remember that I needed to work to be able to live…” he glanced at Christine, who was still looking at him. He saw the look of pity in her eyes. 

He scoffed quietly. “Don't look at me like that.”  Christine quickly opened her mouth, trying to say something. Felix interrupted her, “I know this is my own fault.” 

Christine shook her head slowly, which shut him up. “But is it really? The circus wasn't your fault now, was it?” She tried giving him a small smile. 

“You're the one to talk- you seem to handle all of this pretty well,” Felix answered, rolling his eyes a little, but froze when he saw Christine's face. 

She was looking absolutely horrified. 

“I seem to handle it well?” she laughed. It wasn't a real laugh; it sounded disgustingly fake. 

“Felix. I went into a full episode, telling myself all of it was a dream, before I completely crashed. The first time I took a shower, I scrubbed my skin until it bled because I felt disgusting. You do not have the position to tell me how I have been feeling,” she glared at Felix, who looked at her, apologising.

“I'm sorry- I really thought you took it well- you seemed so well put together when we talked.” 

“Yeah, well, Felix, I can lie about my feelings too, you know,” she snapped before getting up.

 She tried walking past him, but he grabbed her by the wrist, stopping her. Christine looked down at him. He was tearing up again; she could see his eyes getting glassy. 

“I'm sorry. I really am, Pomni.” Christine froze at the name. She stared at his face before letting out a small sigh. She moved her hand out of his grip, placing both her hands on his shoulders. “I know... But I need time to heal, just like you do, “ she fiddled with the fabric of his hoodie. “You can stay here... I have no problem with it. You can sleep on the couch. Until you find a job and a new apartment…But I want you to try.” 

She looked at Felix, who was staring at her. He gave her a small nod, a single tear running down his face. Christine watched the tear before automatically wiping it away. She froze mid-movement, realizing what she was doing. She looked at Felix, who was frozen as well, but she noticed a red tint creeping up his face. She let out a small giggle before pulling away and walking towards the kitchen. 

“If you'd like, you can go take a shower or something…do you have all the stuff you need?” Christine didn't look at him as she pretended to look through the cupboards, needing to do anything to keep her hands busy. 

“Oh- uhm, yea I do.” Felix quickly got up, pulling out some clean clothes and hygiene products from the backpack. 

“Have you eaten today?” Christine threw a glance at him, and he stopped in his tracks, and he shook his head. 

“Alright. I would order something if that's fine with you. I'm not the best cook- anything you wanna eat?” 

Felix shrugged before shaking his head. “N,o not really.. If I'm honest, I'm not that hungry either..” 

Christine sighed before pulling out her phone. “Well, I'm going to order you something anyway. Don't want you to starve yourself.” 

Felix sighed before nodding. “Okay, thank you. I'll go shower, good that I already know where the bathroom is,” he said before making his way to the room. Christine froze for a second and started turning red in embarrassment, knowing exactly what he was referring to. 

“Asshole,” she mumbled quietly, not expecting Felix to hear it.

“What was that?” he yelled out of the bathroom, making Christine squirm in embarrassment.

“Nothingggg.” she quickly yelled before dropping herself on the couch, burying her head in a pillow, letting out a frustrated groan.

After a moment, she pulled out her phone again and placed an order for some food, a smoked salmon pasta for herself and some normal spaghetti for Felix, remembering how he devoured the one in the restaurant. Afterwards, she just started scrolling through some social media before getting the idea of already getting blankets out for the couch.

Christine got up and walked to her bedroom. She started rummaging through her closets, trying to find a blanket and some proper pillows. After she gathered some stuff, she grabbed it all and went to throw it on the couch. She let herself fall on the couch as well before turning on the TV, starting to skip through channels, trying to find something that was mildly interesting. 

After a while, she heard how the water in the shower turned off and quickly checked when the food would be here. 

10 more minutes.

She sighed, getting hungrier by the minute. She got up and started to clean her kitchen, feeling the need to do something and feel productive. When the bathroom door opened, she glanced over to the hallway but continued cleaning some plates and mugs. 

Christine's eyes darted to Felix as he stepped into the living room. She noticed how he glanced over to her, but didn't say anything. He just walked over to the couch, letting himself plop down. 

The brunette sighed as she put away the last mug and let out a quiet, exhausted groan. She checked her phone again, noticing the food being almost there, and slowly made her way to the door. 

She leaned against the dresser, impatiently waiting for the doorbell to ring, as she noticed Felix looking at her with a small grin.

“What?” 

“Nothing, you just seem very impatient.”

Christine groaned again, “I'm just hungry- haven't eaten in like a day.” She sighed. 

Felix nodded slowly as he leaned back, his eyes wandering to the ceiling for a moment before going back to Christine, who looked at her phone again. 

When the doorbell rang, both of them flinched, Christine more than Felix. She almost dropped her phone before getting herself together and quickly opening the front door for the delivery guy, as well as opening her apartment door. 

Felix watched her as she received the food and gave the delivery guy a tip, before kicking the apartment door close and walking over to the couch. “Finally.” She let out a quiet sigh before getting them cutlery to eat the food with. When she came back, she handed him a fork before sitting down on the other end of the couch and taking the food out of the bag.

Christine handed him his food. “Here- I just ordered you the same thing you ate at the restaurant. I hope that's alright with you.” 

Felix looked at her in shock at how she remembered that and just nodded, grabbing the food. Christine grabbed her food as well and began eating as she faced the TV, pretending to watch the show while glancing over to Felix from time to time. She took in his features, remembering which resembled Jax the most. Her eyes went from his wet hair down his body, realizing that he really was as lanky as he was in the circus. A small grin formed on her face before noticing the red lines on his forearms, making her smile fade immediately.

She tried to figure out if they really were what she thought, but from a distance she couldn't exactly tell. 

“Are you checking me out or what?” 

Christine flinched at his voice, dropping her fork. She could've sworn she wasn't that obvious. Turning red, she quickly shook her head. She leaned down, hoping he wouldn't see her red face, while she picked up the fork. Felix didn't say anything else, so she continued to eat, but her mind was spinning, trying to tell if he really had hurt himself. 

The more Christine thought about it, the more her hunger left her, even though she hadn't eaten much yet. She let out a quiet sigh as she placed her food on the coffee table and turned to Felix. 

“Show me your arm.” She said, demanding. 

Felix, who had his fork half up in the air, froze. Then slowly he turned his head to her, then his eyes shot down to his arm and back to her. ‘I forgot my hoodie,’ he thought to himself before placing his bowl down, but not moving otherwise. 

Christine let out a frustrated sigh and scooted closer, grabbing his wrist and pulling his arm to her. He tried to rip his arm from her grip, but she just held on tighter, not letting go of him. Felix still tried to wriggle out of her hold, but she gave him a cold glare.

“Stop moving.”

He immediately stopped and nodded slightly, letting out a defeated scoff. 

Christine inspected the wounds on his arms. She realized that they looked at least a few days old, but two still seemed to have opened up again. She gently placed her index finger on them, tracing the healing wounds before carefully going over the opened ones. Felix flinched a little, and she let go of his arm. After that, she got up and walked to her bathroom, and began searching for her small med kit.

Felix, left alone on the couch, wasn't sure what he should do now. Was she mad at him? Would she come back? He let out a soft sigh, internally agreeing with himself that she still seemed to care too much.

When Christine came back, he completely avoided eye contact. She sat down in front of him again, getting out some disinfectant spray, and glanced up at him. 

“This will sting…” She then sprayed it onto the wounds. Felix let out a sharp hiss and pulled his arm away in reflex. He still wasn't really used to normal human pain anymore. His eyes went to Christine, who was patiently waiting, and he sighed before holding his arm back to her. 

She then took out some small, clean wipes and placed one over the wounds. Christine then grabbed a bandage and carefully wrapped it around his forearm, fixating the wrap and eventually placing some tape so it wouldn't move. Afterward, she put all the trash on a little pile and the rest back into the medkit. 

Felix could tell from her face that she was completely overthinking, and he thought about saying something, but didn't know what would be fitting for a situation like this. He then concluded that there wasn't anything to say. His thought process was interrupted by Christine, who shuffled off the couch and got up. He watched as she grabbed the trash and the medkit before turning back to him. 

“Does it make you feel real?” 

Felix froze for a moment before nodding slightly, which made Christine sigh, but she nodded as well before heading to the kitchen to throw away the trash. He listened to the trash can opening while his eyes wandered to his bandaged arm. He didn't know why she did it, but it felt weirdly comforting in a way to know that she still seemed to care even after everything he had done.

Chapter Text

When Felix woke up the next day, the apartment was empty. He didn't expect to sleep this well on a couch, but he felt better than he had for a long time.

The first thing he did was go wash himself. He knew he would be alone for at least another hour since Christine told him when she would get home from work. 

While brushing his teeth, he remembered the conversation he had with Christine before she went to bed yesterday. 

She had asked him if his hand was really an accident, and even though he tried to lie to her again, she had seen right through his lies and didn't believe a word he had said. He admitted to her that it was the right after the circus, and how everything felt so surreal that his only option was to prove to himself that he was actually free.

Felix still wasn't sure why he told her all that, but she didn't judge him. She just nodded, telling him he should tell her if he feels like that again. He could tell that it bothered her; she didn't make any eye contact, as well as glancing between his hand and arm back and forth. He wondered what she could possibly do to help him in the situation of his panic attacks, and if he was honest, he didn't want to find out. 

He despised his panic attacks; he had a few before the circus and some in the circus, and he still couldn't handle them properly, especially if they were bad ones. 

Felix finished brushing his teeth and went to the kitchen, thinking about how he could repay Christine for letting him stay here. He usually wasn't the acts of service kind of guy, but he felt bad doing absolutely nothing the whole day while Christine was out working her ass off. 

He decided to rummage through the kitchen, trying to find something to make a decent meal with. He wondered if she liked spicy food or if she could barely handle any spice. 

While looking through her kitchen, he found some cloves of garlic that definitely needed to be used soon and some gnocchi. He laid them out, trying to think of something he could cook with them. Felix took a look into her fridge, finding some butter and some parmesan all the way in the back. 

Overall, her kitchen wasn't really stocked, and he was glad he found at least something he could cook with. 

Felix then started preparing everything. He got out a pan and a pot, filling it up with water before placing it on the stove, and then turned up the heat and salted the water. While waiting for the water to boil, he started cutting the garlic, and after he had done that, he quickly tossed it into the pan.  He turned up the heat for the pan as well and decided to quickly check his phone, realizing he hadn't done that yet.

Felix leaned against the counter, pulling out his phone. He noticed a message from Christine, but before he could open it, he heard the keys turn in the lock. He froze in shock, not expecting her to be home so soon. He knew how awkward this would be, but decided to play it cool.

‘Right like that worked the last few times’ he thought to himself before quickly looking at the door, watching Christine come inside, a bag slumped over her shoulder, looking more tired than usual. 

Felix grinned before pushing himself away from the counter and stepping in her direction. 

“You look terrible.” 

Christine's eyes shot to him as she was taking off her shoes. She rolled her eyes, but Felix noticed the small smile on her face. “Oh wow, thank you, you're too sweet,” she said as she got up, placing her bag next to her shoes. She walked over to him and noticed the kitchen was being used. 

“You're cooking?-” she asked him, and Felix could tell from her voice that she was genuinely surprised. 

He just shrugged, trying to play it off. “I was just bored, and you got me food yesterday, so I'm repaying the favor.”

Christine nodded, but Felix could still see how confused she was. She looked like no one ever cooked for her before. He quietly chuckled at the thought before turning back to the stove, realizing he should probably continue cooking so he wouldn't burn something.

Christine watched Felix cook. She still wasn't sure why he was doing this for her, but she still appreciated it as a nice surprise. She had sat down at the kitchen isle, mesmerized by his swift movements. She wished she could cook like that, but if she dared to try, she would probably burn her apartment down in the process.

Christine knew she was staring again, but she never had anyone cook for her, especially not a guy she was so close to hating a few days ago. 

She continued to watch Felix, realizing that he had seemed to memorize her whole kitchen while looking for the ingredients because he knew exactly where to find everything he needed. He had just pulled out two plates from a cupboard and started arranging the food onto them. After he was done, he got out two forks, placing them on the plates. He turned around, putting the plate in front of Christine's face, who was still obviously staring.

“Food is served, your Majesty.” he grinned at her before walking around the aisle, sitting down beside her. “I hope you like it. I kinda needed to dig through your kitchen to find anything edible.” 

"I didn't think I had anything that good in my cupboards," she said, her voice softer than she intended. She picked up her fork, not meeting his gaze in embarrassment.

"Oh, it was a close call," Felix said, taking a bite of his own. "I was a minute away from making us cereal."

Christine chuckled before she took a bite, her eyes widening in surprise. "Wow," she said, her mouth full. "This is... really good. I'm actually impressed. I didn’t know you could cook." 

Felix grinned, taking a bite of his own meal. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” 

They ate in a comfortable silence for a while, the only sounds the clinking of forks against plates and the quiet hum of the refrigerator. Christine found herself relaxing, the stress of the past days melting away with each bite. She had to admit, having someone cook for her, especially someone who clearly knew what they were doing, was a real treat.

____________________________________________________________________________

Christine was getting ready for bed when she started thinking back to today. After they had lunch, she helped Felix write a few job applications. He had struggled with writing them since he wasn't even sure what he wanted to work as. After some searching and still no idea, they just decided that he should just send applications everywhere, so if he got multiple acceptances, he could choose. 

They had sat on the couch for a while, looking for jobs before deciding to watch a show. Even if she didn't really want to admit it to herself, she enjoyed his company. It felt so normal, so domestic, a stark contrast to the high-wire act her life had been. The circus was always so full of life, and sitting in her quiet apartment made her go crazy. Having him here helped her a lot. Even if they hadn't even properly talked about the circus, they both knew the other was struggling just the same.

Christine's thoughts went back to Felix's wounds. She understood why he did it, but it still horrified her how far he would go to prove to himself that he was real. She understood the desperate need to feel something, anything, when your world had been stripped away. She understood the impulse to ground yourself in pain, to prove you were still alive when everything else felt like a ghost. But knowing that didn't make the sight of his wounds any less terrifying.

She exited the bathroom and walked to the living room, leaning over the couch, looking down at Felix, who was already wrapped in a blanket and scrolling through his phone. 

“I'm gonna go to bed. I cant say yet when I'll be back from work. I need to get a few things afterwards tho- if you want, I can bring you something or we’ll meet up?”

Felix looked up at her and nodded, “Oh yeah, we can meet up so I can make sure you get some actual groceries into the house.” he grinned at his comment, and Christine just rolled her eyes. “Sure, sure. Sounds good to me. But you'd better have a plan what things you wanna get, alright? I'm not spending hours with you in the supermarket.” 

He scoffed playfully. “You'd think of me as a person who goes grocery shopping unprepared? Wow.” 

Christine giggled before giving him a small wave. “Alright. Goodnight then. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm done with my shift.” She smiled before turning around and walking to her bedroom. 

After she had closed her bedroom door, she let out an exhausted sigh, her smile fading. She walked over to her bed, crawling under the covers. 

She was acting just like him, she realized. Christine wasn't even sure if he noticed, but she was exhausted. The last two days were spent with her taking care of Jax, because his struggles were currently worse than hers. Her mind replayed the last 48 hours. A blurry montage of her checking on him, making sure he was eating, and trying to keep his spirits up. He was her friend, even if he didn't want her to be, and she would always be there for him, no matter what. But the weight of it all was starting to press down on her, leaving her emotionally drained and physically exhausted.

A tear slipped from her eye, a single, silent tear that spoke of her own pain and fear. She was so busy being strong for him that she hadn't allowed herself to be weak. She hadn't allowed herself to grieve the loss of her own identity, the loss of her own dreams. She had to be the rock, the one who held it all together, and the pressure was immense.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on her bedroom door. She quickly wiped the tear off her face, sitting up, she hesitated for a moment. 

“Uh- yeah, come in?-” 

The door opened, and Felix stepped into the room. Even though it was dark, she could tell he was glancing around frantically. She turned on her nightstand lamp, trying to get a better sight of him. 

His whole body was shaking, and she immediately recognized what was happening. “Come here,” she patted the bed beside her. Christine watched as he stumbled to her bed. She moved a little more to the side so he would have space. He sat down beside her, facing her, and she turned to him as well. 

“Breathe,” she told him. Felix nodded slightly, trying to listen, but it didn't seem to work. 

Christine tried to frantically think of anything that could help him, that could prove that he wasn't in the circus anymore. Then she remembered something and gently took his hand; it made him flinch, but she didn't care. She carefully moved it, placing his hand over his heart. 

“Try concentrating on your heartbeat…we didn't have one in the circus.” 

Felix nodded, trying to feel his racing heartbeat. It calmed him a little, but not enough. Christine could tell. She glanced at his other hand, gripping the blanket so hard his knuckles turned white. She then gently grabbed, pulling it away from the blanket, before hesitating for a second. After a second thought, she placed his hand over her own heart.

“I have one too.. We’re both real,” she looked at him, trying to tell if this helped him. She noticed his breath slowing down.

“We’re real. We got out. You're not in the circus. You're real.” 

Christine flinched a little as he gripped into her shirt. She watched him closely, the tension slowly leaving his body. Felix's hand, which was over his own heart, slowly fell into his lap, but Christine still eyed the hand that was holding onto her shirt. She wasn't even sure if he could feel her heartbeat like this anymore. His eyes were closed, and his breathing was slow and even now. He leaned his head against her shoulder, the movement slow and deliberate, as if he were testing the reality of the moment. 

Christine's body screamed for her to move away, slowly overstepping her limit of touch she could take in the moment.

But she didn't. She let him stay like this.

Slowly, carefully, she raised her free hand and gently placed it on his. She didn't try to pry his fingers away from her shirt, but simply rested her palm over the back of his hand, a silent reassurance.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, his voice cracking. He finally pulled away, his hand letting go of her shirt and falling into his lap; his eyes were clear, and the haunted look was gone. He still looked exhausted, but a sense of peace had settled over him.

Christine just gave him a small, tired smile. "Hey," she said softly, her voice barely a whisper. "It's okay. You're okay." She knew it was a lie, that she couldn't keep doing this forever. But for now, in this moment, it was the only truth that mattered.

She glanced down at his hands, which were still shaking, then at his face, the look of pure exhaustion on it.

She sighed, “If you want, you can stay here for the night. If it helps you.” 

Felix's eyes met hers. “No, I cant expect that from you. You've already helped me enough.”

Christine shook her head. “I- I don't mind,” she hesitated, “And if anything happens again, I would be right here to help you.” He sighed but nodded, a small grin forming on his face. “Are you sure you want to share a blanket with me, though? The chances of you waking up without one are quite high,” he chuckled.

Christine just rolled her eyes at that and answered with a small scoff, “Go get your blanket, asshole.” Though she couldn't hide the smile that was creeping onto her face. 

Felix stood up, stretching his arms over his head. "I'll be right back." 

He walked into the living room, returning a moment later with his blanket. In the meantime, Christine had pulled her own blanket to her side of the bed, making space for him. He got into the bed, throwing the blanket over himself, immediately lying down in a comfortable sleeping position, facing away from Christine. 

She watched him before lying down herself, she turned her back to him and turned off the lamp. She closed her eyes, trying to will her own mind to quiet down. But her thoughts were still buzzing, a restless energy that refused to let her sleep. She replayed the evening's events in her mind. His panic attack, the fear, her own shaky attempts to calm him, the relief of his smile. It was all a lot to process.

A small sigh escaped her lips, and she shifted in the bed, pulling her blanket tighter. She was just starting to drift when she felt a hand gently touch her back. She flinched, letting out a surprised gasp, then relaxed as Felix's voice, barely a whisper, broke the silence.

"You're still awake?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied, her voice soft. "Just thinking."

He didn't respond immediately, and for a moment, she thought he had fallen back asleep. Then she felt him move, shifting so he was closer to her, his hand still resting on her back.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again.

"For what?" she asked, her voice low.

"For... everything," he said, his voice laced with exhaustion. "For being a mess."

"You're not a mess, Felix," she said, her voice filled with a conviction she hadn't known she had. "You're just... struggling."

She could hear him shuffling behind her again, his hand leaving her back. 

“Thank you, PomPom.”

Christine's head perked up a little at the nickname. She then chuckled, getting more comfortable under her blanket.

“Yeah, yeah, don't worry about it, bunny.”

Chapter Text

Christine sat at her desk in her office, watching the clock slowly ticking towards the end of her shift. Even though she had slept surprisingly well, she was still exhausted. Not physically, but emotionally. 

She couldn't concentrate on any of her work, her mind always going back to Felix's panic attack. She was glad that she was able to help him, but at the same time, that ordeal was extremely exhausting for her. It wasn't just the panic attack itself, but the fallout. The way Felix had looked at her afterwards, the mixture of gratitude and shame in his eyes, had been hard to shake. She knew he wasn't embarrassed by her, but by the situation itself. Still, it felt like a heavy weight, an unspoken understanding that now existed between them.

The phone rang, and she jumped, the shrill noise cutting through the quiet hum of the office. It was her boss, calling to check in. She mumbled a few responses, trying to sound more present than she felt, her gaze fixed on the half-empty cup of coffee on her desk. The conversation ended quickly, and she let out a sigh of relief, leaning back in her chair. Her eyes wandered back to the clock. She could leave in a minute. 

Christine sighed, packing her stuff and checking her phone. Felix had texted her, saying that he was already waiting outside the store. She then got her stuff and quickly left her office, locking the door before heading outside and to the front of the store. 

When she got there, Felix was nowhere to be found, so she started looking around trying to find him, but couldn't. After a minute of just glancing around, Christine suddenly felt two hands being placed on her shoulders. She flinched, letting out a surprised squeal before spinning around to look into Felix's grinning face. 

"Felix! Don't do that!" she gasped, one hand pressed to her chest as her heart hammered against her ribs. The jolt of surprise had been so sudden that the exhaustion from earlier was temporarily forgotten, replaced by a rush of adrenaline.

"Sorry," he said, the grin still on his face. "Couldn't resist. You looked so lost."

She rolled her eyes, a small smile finally breaking through her frayed nerves. "Well, you almost gave me a heart attack. I was just starting to think you'd stood me up."

"I saw you from a distance and decided to have a little fun," he said, the grin not leaving his face. "You should have seen the look on your face."

She rolled her eyes, but a small smile was starting to form on her own lips. His energy, so different from the quiet desperation she had witnessed the night before, was a welcome sight.

"Well, now that you've successfully terrorized me, are you ready to go get groceries?" she asked, looking up at him. 

Felix nodded before pulling out a list and showing it to her. “Here. That's all the stuff we need. I looked through your kitchen again to make sure I got everything,” he chuckled before he began walking towards the entrance of the supermarket. Christine quickly fell into step beside him and nodded. “So you plan on cooking more often?” 

He looked at her, shrugging slightly as they started walking through the aisles. “Well, I guess so- but I'm mostly doing this for me, alright? I don't wanna starve.” 

Christine nodded at his response, a small smile forming on her face. “Oh, sure. I don't want that either,” she glanced back to him for a moment before her eyes started wandering the aisles.

Felix, list in hand, seemed completely in his element, his brow furrowed in concentration as he navigated the aisles. He stopped in front of the fresh produce, his finger tracing a line down his list.

"First up: tomatoes," he announced, as if they were on a mission. "And peppers. Red and green."

Christine grabbed a few of each, tossing them into the cart. "So, what's on the menu tonight, Master Chef?" she asked playfully.

He gave her a side-eye glance. "You'll see. It's a surprise."

After they got all the fresh produce, Felix stopped in the canned goods aisle, his eyes scanning the shelves. Christine also looked for a few things he needed and started putting things into the cart as her eyes fell on canned corn on the shelves. She had used them as a lunch before, together with cheese and garlic butter, but they were also a great evening snack.

She grabbed two cans, ready to put them in the cart, as Felix turned to her, holding a can of something mysterious. His eyes fell to her hands and the cans she was holding.

“Put. that. Away.” he grimaced, before quickly putting his can in the cart and turning away. 

Christine chuckled as she stepped a little closer to him. Felix automatically shuffled a little further away, his eyes avoiding to look at the can. Even the picture on it made his skin crawl. Christine then placed both cans inside the cart without another word. She also moved some of the produce over the can so he couldn't see the image on it anymore. 

Felix turned to her again, eyeing the cart before he started pushing it to the next section. While pushing the cart, he noticed how Christine had arranged the greens so he couldn't see the cans, but decided not to say anything about it. 

They continued shopping until they had crossed off the last item on Felix's list. They walked to the checkout, both not saying much. Felix noticed that Christine seemed a little preoccupied, her gaze distant, but he didn't push it. Sometimes, people just get lost in their own thoughts.

At the register, she started to unload the cart, her movements almost robotic. Felix helped, placing heavier items like the milk and juice on the conveyor belt. When they were done, they both stood for a moment, waiting as the cashier scanned their groceries.

As the cashier told them the total, Christine seemed to snap back to the present. She reached into her purse and pulled out her wallet. Felix watched as she paid, then they both started to bag the groceries, their movements synchronized from years of doing this together.

They walked out into the bright afternoon sun, each carrying a few bags. The air felt warm and pleasant, and the sound of cars driving by filled the silence. He looked over at her, and she tried giving him a small smile, even though it barely reached her eyes.

"I'm glad that's done," she said.

"Me too," Felix replied, a sense of quiet contentment settling over him.

____________________________________________________________________________

After they had eaten dinner, they both sat on the couch, chilling a little. Felix, who was scrolling mindlessly on his phone, suddenly perked up slightly, letting out a small, satisfied sound. Christine looked at him in confusion, worried something had happened.

He turned the phone to show her the screen, a quiet grin on his face. "Well, look at that. They want to interview me." The email notification was from "The Daily Grind" coffee shop, a place he'd applied to with Christine. She glanced at the screen and offered a small, approving smile. "That's good news," she said softly, even though he noticed that her smile seemed off.

He put the phone down and leaned back, a hint of amusement in his voice. "Should I get ready for this? The interview is in three days. Do you think I should wear my nice sneakers?" his voice dripped with sarcasm.

Christine sighed and chuckled, “You should still prepare yourself a little for the interview. Maybe for the questions they might ask you.” She pulled a pillow close and hugged it before lying her head on it, looking at Felix. 

Felix held up a hand. "Whoa, easy there, Pom. The email's not going anywhere. We can tackle the big-time coffee interview prep tomorrow. For now, I think I’ve earned the right to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the night." He grabbed the remote and flicked through the streaming options. 

Christine nodded and turned her head to the TV. A small, quiet sigh escaped her lips, which made Felix glance at her for a second. He watched as she adjusted the pillow, her eyes distant, her body language small. She was propped up on the couch, her shoulders hunched slightly, the pillow clutched tightly to her chest. Her smile was gone, replaced by a vacant expression as she stared blankly at the TV. He decided not to ask anything, thinking she just had a bad day at work or something.  

But even if he wanted to convince himself that she was fine, he knew it was a lie. He could tell from her body language and behaviour that something was wrong.