Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Her mind is silent afterwards.

Jean had long forgotten what it felt like to be alone in her own head. So much so that she truly believed nothing could surprise her, that nothing could touch her. But then the Phoenix force tears itself away from her soul, so violently and so abruptly that it completely unravels her body and leaves her brain a searing mass of white hot pain. She's left alone floating through the terrible endless void of space.

She is alone and she is hurt. She is dying once again.

Her mind is silent.

. . .

. . .

She is not certain how long she was left floating in that vast terrible void, She didn't have any sense of up or down or sideways. All she knew was that she couldn't disappear like this, surrounded by nothing and nobody.

So, slowly, so very slowly, she begins mending her body back together. Atom by Atom, molecule by molecule until she finally had something that resembled the woman known as ‘Jean Grey-Summers.’

. . .

She doesn't remember what exactly happened afterwards. She didn't know if in her desperate broken state she dreamed up being submerged in fowl smelling water or the feeling of warm hands holding her cold cold body. But Jean does know that the first thing she sees when she jolts awake is the blurry outline of Logan's concerned face.

“Jeannie- Jean darling are you alright? You looked like you were having a nightmare.” he asked, slightly hysterical.

Jean for all intents and purposes was not okay- but she wasn't about to tell him that. She’d put everyone through enough stress already just by being herself.

She swallowed- her mouth was so dry- and forced herself to look into her friend's strange greyish blue eyes.

“I-Im fine Logan- please… How is everyone else? I must have been gone for so long…”

Logan sat back into his chair, looking not at all convinced.

“Everyones fine red… They're out on a mission right now. Something about a sentinel in Manhattan? Nothing you should be worrying about.”

Jean sighed, “I am worried about that actually.”

She tried to sit up, but her body immediately protested against her. She let out a small embarrassing cry of pain.
Logan was back on his feet again. His hands were hovering like he was unsure if he should touch her or not. Like she was made of glass.

“Darling please, you need to rest, to heal.” he begged.

“ I know! I Know! just-just want to help…” She replied.

Telepathically she called out to Scott, using their psychic rapport. But to her surprise she was met with a mental brick wall.

She blinked hard in shock, her anxiety increasing. What was going on? Was Scott okay? Or… was he walling her off on purpose? They had been talking semi-regularly when she was exploring the stars with the Phoenix Force, but maybe not as often as a married couple should. She's been off earth for so long and things were never quite the same after him and Emma…
no, there was no point going down that line of thinking. She retracted her telepathic output, he was probably just focused on the mission, he didn't need her in his head distracting him…

“Goddammit Jeannie!” Logan snapped, breaking her out of her mental spiral. “You just died! I know you want to help but you just can't right now!"

She flinched instinctively at his harsh words, Logan's expression waved. She felt an instant wave of guilt flow through her, but she couldn't tell if it was his or hers.

Logan looked at the ground. “Shit… I'm sorry darlin’ I didn't mean it… I just don’t want to see ya hurt yerself is all.”

Jean looked up at the ceiling, at the sterile white light over her equally white bed. A brief hot moment of anger passed through her. But not at him, no, she was angry at herself. For her weaknesses, her sins, her deaths that just keep piling up. Sure she could be mad at him for treating her like she was going to break at any moment. But there wouldn't be a need to treat her like that if she hadn't already broken into a million pieces a million times over.

Why? Why is it that no matter what she does it's never enough? Why is it that every time she builds something for herself it's doomed to slip through her fingers? Maybe that was the true burden of being the Phoenix.

But was she even the Phoenix anymore? She sure didn't feel like one.

She let out a shaky breath. “No- No you're right Logan. I need to calm down. I'm no use to anyone in this state.”

From the corner of her sight she saw Logan put a hand on the back of his neck. “It's not about being usefully Jeanie…” he said in a much smaller voice than she was used to hearing from him. “Listen, I get it. When I get hurt all I want to do is get back up and go back to fighting but just because you can heal faster- or come back from the dead- doesn't mean there was never any hurt darling.”

She nodded, her vision becoming a little blurry - and a little watery- again.

“How long have I been here?” She said, changing the subject.

“About a couple weeks.” He answered.

“Has…has Scott come to visit me?” She asked, not sure if she wanted the answer. She turned towards Logan, studying how his posture made him look shorter than he already was. He looked up at her once again and she knew from those frustrating greyish-blue eyes what the answer was.

“Once- when we first got your body back. He sat with the rest of us and we all watched you start breathing again- but duty called and they all had to leave- They tried to get me to come but you know hardly anybody was ever able to tell me what ta do…It was mostly me and Hank looking after you. ‘Ro’s been over a couple times too.”

she knew instinctively that he wasn't lying- no telepathy needed. Logan has been a lot of things but a liar was never one of them.

She nodded slowly, processing the information given to her. “He’s dedicated to the cause.” she explained, putting on her perfect level-headed Jean Grey voice. “It would be selfish to expect him to dot over me everytime I come back- especially if mutant lives are on the line.”

He tilted his head sideways. “That's one way of looking at it.”

“Please Logan…not now.” She said, more firmly than she felt.

He nodded quietly, “Okay, I'll get out of yer hair if ya want. I’m sure the others will be back soon.”

He turned, like he already decided she wanted him gone. Jean bit her lip, more unsure of herself than she's been in a long time. The Phoenix had made her brave, made her feel in control. She could do anything as the Phoenix. But now Jean Grey was alone and scared.

‘No… wait’ she reached out telepathically, not quite bold enough to say the words out loud. ‘Please just stay Logan…wait with me? at least until the others come back? we don’t even have to talk. I-I just don’t want to be alone right now.’ She confessed, feeling exposed.

his shoulders tensed. and after a beat he silently went back to the chair next to her bed.

He lifted his hand towards her again, but then clenched it in a fist and put it firmly by his side. A determined expression on his face. Jean was unsure what to make of this gesture and decided not to comment on it.

“Okay… I'm here.” He said reassuringly. “ain’t goin nowhere red, I'm staying right here. I’m right here.” he emphasized.

And, despite everything that had happened, despite the fact that she wished she could hear that from her husband instead, and despite the fact that self-hatred gnawed away at her soul. She still felt comforted by his words.

They both slipped into a pleasant enough silence after that. She just listened to his breathing and she was sure he was listening to hers. Then after a while she found herself dozing off back into a murky dark sleep.

. . .

When she awoke again she was surrounded by people. So many it was almost dizzying. It seemed the whole school was crambed into the small medical wing. Storm and Logan and Hank were at the front of the crowd, Charles watched over her paternally. Rogue and Gambit were next to each other. Kurt, Kitty, Jubilee, Bobby, Warren… and then there was Scott. Standing a comfortable three feet away from Emma. He was observing her passively, nothing more than a furrow in his brow. She remembered the first time she died, he hadn't wanted to leave her side, he had told her that he loved her.

But that was a long time ago. Jean had died many more times since then. More times than she cared to count. It can't be easy to watch someone be gone and come back over and over again- eventually you have to get burnt out of all the tragedy. She wondered if that's what he was feeling, burnout. She certainly knows that's how she's feeling.

“Jean are you alright?” Ororo was the first to speak. “Logan told us you had awoken.”

“I also told you guys not to crowd her, but nobody listened to that part.” Logan grumbled. Ororo paid him no mind and came to her side.

Jean smiled at her closest friend- her sister. “I'm alright Ro’ I appreciate your concern, but you know I make up for my unnaturally thin wrists and ankles with an exceptional ability to brush off anything- even death.” She replied.

(Jean heard a small snort come from Emma's direction, she pretended not to notice.)

Ororo's smile was like the summer breeze. “Your resilience knows no bounds my sister. But please, tell us what happened? We all thought you and the Phoenix were in harmony now?"

The edges of Jean's mouth curled slightly. For some reason her gaze wandered to Logan, his expression was hard set but warm. It felt reassuring.

“Red, you don't have to tell us anything if you don't want us to know.” He said quietly.

From the back she saw Scott nod his head vaguely. “I agree with Logan. You can tell us whenever you want Jean.”

She inhaled through her nose, feeling emboldened by their words.

“I'll be honest, my memory's a little foggy,” She started. “Basically, for reasons I can't entirely comprehend, The Phoenix force and I were split apart. I was left completely shattered- not metaphorically- and floating through an endless expanse of dark matter. But after a while I managed to pull my body together back telepathically. Then when I woke up I was here. I must have subconsciously made my way back to earth…back to my family.”

She felt the collective eyes of the room on her. Jean could hear her heartbeat echo in her ears. Unsurprisingly it was Logan who spoke up first. “So that's it? No more Phoenix force?” He asked.

She shook her head. “It's not that simple. The Phoenix force is me, or a part of me anyway. Forever and always. But it will always have a will of its own… One moment we were working for the same goal, the next it was flinging me throughout the cosmos to my imminent death. It only does what comes natural to it- hurting me, helping me. It's all the same to it.” She finished.

Hank adjusted the small glasses on his fury face. “You never fail to impress Jean.” He said, taking her hand in his large paw. “None of us even had a clue this was happening. We were all sitting here drinking tea while you were reforming your own biomass on a microscopic level with only stars and black holes to keep you company.”

She squeezed his paw back. “Thank you Hank. But I'm not trying to brag- it took a lot out of me. I'm not even sure I could levitate a teacup in my current state.” She explained.

She remembered the brick wall she hit earlier that day. Perhaps that was also because of her weakened abilities? It was difficult to tell at the moment. She didn't want to think about the other option.

“Well nevertheless, we are all happy to have you back my friend. And we will be by your side while you recover.” Ororo said sweetly.

“Yes, it shouldn't take too long, Jean my dear. You'll be in tip-top shape in no time- with lots of rest and relaxation of course.” Hank exclaimed.

Jean nodded her head and put on her biggest, tightest smile. “Thank you all, everyone's always there for me. I don't know where I would be without you guys.”

“Of course Jean, there is always a place for you here.” Charles said simply and affectionately.

Jean felt warm tears prick at the edge of her eyes. Her heart was so full it felt like it could burst. She didn't deserve it, didn't deserve any of the kindness she got from her family, her X-men. She knew there was no redemption for her, for all the things she'd done, all the people she hurt. But she couldn't help the way her heart burned with love at that moment.

Emma clapped her gloved hands together. “Well I think we've all had plenty of sentimentality for one day, come on everyone let's leave poor darling Jean to her annual Phoenix existential crisis.” She said, giving Scott a pointed meaningful glance. “Besides I think the love birds might want to have some alone time… to catch up.”

With that Emma swiftly turned and left the little white medical room. Her students and the rest of the X-men awkwardly followed suit. Logan lingered, giving her a curious look. She tipped her head, ‘thank you Logan,’ she told him mentally. He gave her a sharp nod back and stalked out of the room. leaving only her and her husband, who was still standing as far away from her as possible.

“Jean,” He said in a rehearsed nervous tone of voice. “We need to talk.”

Chapter Text

“It's about…We need to talk about” Scott started. He had taken a step closer to her bed, his head held low, facing the floor the same way he would carry himself when he was the shy teenage boy who she had first fallen in love with. “while you were gone… me and… me and-I-” He nervously stuttered.

“Wait, Scott please,” Jean said, putting her hands up in a placating manner. “Just take a second and then tell me.”

Scott breathed in slowly, then exhaled out of his nose. He inched closer to her, then he took a seat in the chair Logan had been sitting in minutes ago.

“Jean, I-I'm so sorry.” He said with such sincerity it instantly broke her heart.

“Sorry for what?” She asked, already knowing the answer. She didn't want him to say it out loud, but she especially didn't want to dig through his mind to know what she already knew.

“While you were gone- me and Emma… We started talking more again, like how we used to and everything just fell into place after that, and- God Jean, I was just so lonely- and you were so far away- I-I’m so sorry.”

It didn't feel like there was enough oxygen in the room to fill her lungs. When she was the Phoenix she didn't need to breathe, or eat or even feel anything if she didn't want to. She never needed to cry as the Phoenix, and even if she did, all her tears would just evaporate into thin air.

“I thought… I thought you said there wouldn't be more secrets between us. You promised there would be no more secrets.” She pleaded.

Why was he telling her this now? Why did everything hurt so much? She wanted to run away from this conversation. She thought about commanding him to walk out of the medical room right at that moment. She thought about screaming and yelling, making her pain the entire mansion's problem. She thought about saying nothing at all. She wanted to run away, just like he did the first time. Everything hurt so much. She wanted to burn but the fire never came.

“I know- I know, I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you Jean.” He replied, his hands covering his visor. “I-I don’t know why I’m like this.”

Tears began forming in her eyes again, at this rate she was going to get dehydrated with the amount of crying she’s been doing.

“Well? what do you want me to do about this?” she said in a hard, sharp voice.

“I don’t- you don’t have to do anything.” He said.

Jean Sighed. “You just told me that you- once again- violated our marriage vows. With the same women… I’m asking you Scott, what do you want me to do about this?”

Her blood felt like it was on fire, her body entirely too small and feeble to contain herself. She felt the tips of her fingers going numb.

Scott shook his head. “oh god.. Jean I-I don’t know…I just knew it wasn’t fair to not tell you.”

If she could see her face, she was sure it was flushed as red as her frizzy hair.

“fair?! What's fair about any of this? It's not that I wanted to be gone for so long! I can't help that I'm like this!” She fumed. Maybe this is what she deserved, her karmic punishment for all her sins, her hypocrisy, her self-righteous anger. Why did she ever think she could be happy? That she would come back and everything would just be the same. Even now, she didn’t deserve him. After all, what was infidelity to devouring an entire planet?

All she ever does is die on him. Hot tears were running down her face.

“I’m sorry I'm so sorry- it's not fair, not fair to either of you- I’m sorry…” His voice cracked, she's sure that if Scott was capable of crying with his visor he would be right now. She’s seen him like this only a handful of times- raw and emotional. The outer shell of the perfect leader cracked. She'd probably seen it more times than any other person, except maybe Charles. (maybe even Emma)

Jean's anger drained out of her body as quickly as it had risen. Jean pitied him, she resented him. She loved him. She was a fool.

“Oh god Scott… I can’t believe you're putting me in this position again. You could have told me- you could have just thought it and I would have been able to hear you from ten billion lightyears away. We could have fixed this.” she said, her words watery.

“I didn’t know how to tell you- I’m sorry- I-I’ll do whatever you want Jean, I’ll go, o-or I’ll stay.” He said severely. “I’d understand if you never forgive me, I don’t think I forgive me…but I-I also don’t want to lose Emma either.” He confessed finally. It felt like a punch in the gut.

Jean blinked, her tears squeezing between her eyelids. Once, she had been dead for a little over ten years, ten years she’d missed out on, ten years Scott and Emma had been together. She had heard stories from the other X-men but it wasn't the same. How many memories had they made? how deep had their bond grown while she was gone? When she wasn’t around to see any of it? and then Jean just, came back, and she and Scott had fallen into each other's arms, as they always have when she came back. Because they were Scott and Jean, Xavier's first students, the Atom and Eve of mutant society. Or maybe Ken and Barbie? It had always been just the two of them. She hardly knew how else to live.

‘You know the deal Jeannie’ she heard the memory of Logan's voice echo through her head, the guilty lingering feeling of his lips on hers. ‘You and the boy scout. That's the rules.’

Her and the boy scout. She wondered who had made those rules. Her? Him? Maybe Charles himself? Maybe it was always his dream that had kept them together. A constant reassuring light that steaded them. gave them something to believe in, even when they didn't believe in themselves.

How did Emma feel after seeing Scott go back to her after all that time? She thought about Madyelin, and how despite their shared memories the feeling and meaning behind them were as different as night and day.

“God Scott, Please…” She said, trying not to have a complete meltdown right in front of him. “Please just- give me some time to think okay?” She said, “You’ve apologized enough now, please just give me some space? l..I just can’t be around you right now.” She wanted to peek into his mind, see how really sorry he was. But what would be the point? She wouldn’t see anything she didn't already know. And there was still that brick wall she hit earlier. If she was at full strength she could easily bulldoze past it, but she was exhausted and weak. And it made her feel gross just to think about it.

Scott nodded like he had just been given an order from Charles instead of his wife. (could she even call herself his wife anymore? She didn’t really feel like his wife at the moment.)

Scott got up from the chair. Posture straight, snapping back to the fearless leader mask, an act that was as easy as breathing for him. He turned around and walked away from her bed.

When he reached the door he glanced back, like he wanted to say more- but he must have lost his nerve. He left, closing the door behind him.

She was alone. Everything hurts.

. . .

After Logan left the medical room, his number one priority was to raid the fridge for booze. Because of course, he was a creature of habit. Always had been, always will be.

Mostly he wanted to get drunk enough to burn the image of Jean's corpse floating in the river out of his mind. As impossible a task as that was.

Logan's seen more corpses in his lifetime than he could ever even try to count. And quite a few of them had been Jean herself. And yet he'd prefer having the adamantium ripped from his bones again a hundred times over then ever seeing her like that again.

He’s even killed her a few times. She had asked him to of course. She needed him to ‘do what he does best for her.’ It was an act of mercy, taking her pain away. He’ll never forgive himself for it. Hated himself for it everyday. Had nightmares every night that this time, this time she wasn't coming back. That he was the monster who had snuffed out the brightest light in the whole damn universe.

He deserved to burn for his sins, he knew that better than anyone. Sometimes he wished she could burn him away and get it over with. She could do it too, she could do anything.

After all, wasn't she the one that told him the Phoenix was supposed to get rid of anything that didn't work? That which did not work? but he knew she’d never do that, not on purpose anyway. And it would break that bleeding heart of hers to kill a friend. It was a selfish impulse from a selfish man.

and a liar, he knew he was still working just fine. But his job wasn’t a very nice one. In a way, him and the Phoenix had a lot in common.

(God he had missed her. He always did, like a wound that could never heal quite right. He was sure he was gonna burn for that too.)

‘You really never change, do you bub?’ He thought to himself bitterly, grabbing a cold one out of the fridge.

“Got one to share?” he heard a familiar voice say. He fished out another can and threw it in one swift motion to Summers, who looked all the part of a sad wet cat. Logan would almost feel sorry for him if he hadn't personally watched him spend the last few weeks avoiding his comatose wife.

But if his nose was correct (it always is.) he knew exactly why Slim was giving Red the cold shoulder. He guessed this time it wasn’t ‘just thoughts’.

Logan contemplated busting his knuckles across that square mug of his right then and there. He always regretted not doing it the first time around, not that it would have done any good.

The memory of Emma’s confession- after a thoroughly pissed off Jeannie had raked her mind across the coals- echoed in his head. She had asked him why she had fallen in love with Scott ‘bloody’ Summers as if he had an answer to that. She said she knew it was always gonna be Scott and Jean and she knew that Jean was so pure and good and that they were so special together and she was mean and rough and everything they weren't. He had held her then as she cried and had known the exact shape of her sorrow, the way it carved out her heart over and over again.

He wondered how she felt now. Relief? Dread? Now that she had gotten what she wanted. Was she up there in her room waiting for the cost?

He watched Summers crack open his beer. He remembered when he had first joined the X-men when it seemed inconceivable that the overgrown boy scout would ever touch the stuff. He smiled to himself, how could he be so naive?

“What's so funny?” Summers asked, already on the defense.

Logan shrugged. “You, me. Are fucked up lives and the women who get caught up in all the mess.”

“Spare me the lecture Wolverine. I can’t stand it when you act like you know so much more than me.”

“Like you listen to my lectures bud.” Logan said, feeling vindictive. “I told you, didn't I? All those years ago I told you a man’s gotta mow his own lawn. And did you listen? no.”

Scott clicked his tongue, annoyed. “I just came for a drink, not to be reminded of all my failures.”

“if you didn’t wanna be reminded of your failures you would have b-lined to Emma’s room, beer in hand instead of talking ta lil ol’ me.”

It was hard to tell but he was pretty sure Summers was avoiding his eyes. Logan smiled wider, showing his teeth like a dog looking for a fight.

Scott sighed. Pissing him off more than he thought possible. “God when did I get so old?” He asked, like Logan had an answer to that.

“When you weren't looking bub.” Logan said. “And the name ain't God.”

With that Scott wordlessly dusted off his jacket, held his beer tight to his chest, and left in the direction of Emma's room.

‘Guess that's the end of that.’ Logan thought, uncaring if any nosy telepaths overheard. It didn’t really satisfy him to get the last word on Summers like it used to. Mostly he just felt restless and slightly disconcerted. He wanted to go check on Jean, but he wasn’t sure if she would even want to see his busted mug after the day she just had.

He recalled what she had said in his mind earlier, ‘I just don’t want to be alone right now.’ Her voice felt heavy in his head, like someone but a blanket over his cerebral cortex. The look in her eyes was burned into his memory.

It was always like that between them wasn’t it? Her and the boy scout would be in one of their not talking phases and she’d lean on him for whatever emotional support he could provide. And then when the love birds resolved their soap drama she’d go back to treating him like any other member of the team. He supposes he could be upset about this arrangement but he was the one who let her do it to him, no matter how much it pained afterwards. He never could stand seeing his darlin’ cry.

‘You better sort out yer shit quick now cyke if you drive the second Miss. Summers away you’ll have nobody to blame but yerself this time.’

Logan sipped his brew quietly, the can was getting empty.