Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Samantha bounced her leg idly as she waited for the human ambassador. He should have been expecting her. His assistant had shown her inside, told her to take a seat across from Ambassador Udina’s desk chair, that he would no doubt be with her soon. She checked her omni-tool and sighed. She’d been waiting for over half an hour.

Just as she was seriously starting to consider making a run for it, the door behind her opened with a hiss. She turned, hurriedly jumping to her feet as Ambassador Udina took the seat behind his desk.

“Please sit. Traynor, wasn’t it?”

“Uh, yes sir.” Samantha sat back down.

Udina picked a data-pad up off of his desk and began to read. His eyes flicked up to her. “Do you know why you are here, Traynor?”

“Admiral Hackett sent me, sir. He said something about a job opportunity…?” she trailed off, hoping Udina could supply more information.

Instead he huffed, his gaze returning to his datapad.

Samantha fought the urge to say something and break the silence.

“What do you know about Commander Mercy Shepard?” Udina asked eventually.

Samantha felt her shoulders relax slightly as he set the data-pad aside. “Not much, sir. I know about the incident on Akuze, and I heard a rumour that she’s on track to become the first human Spectre.”

“She is the first human Spectre,” Udina corrected. “As of this afternoon.”

“Oh. Well, that’s good. For humanity, I mean.”

“Indeed,” Udina said, in a tone that suggested he wasn’t entirely sure he agreed with the sentiment. His gaze flicked back to the data-pad, now lying on his desk, and as the minutes passed Samantha began to feel as though her presence had perhaps been forgotten about completely. She could see the notifications that were pouring in, though it was difficult to read their subject lines upside-down.

“Forgive me, Ambassador,” she said politely, “but why exactly was I sent here?”

Ambassador Udina turned the screen of his data-pad off with the tap of a button. “Shepard is something of a loose cannon.” Samantha felt like she could hear the stress in his voice. “She always has been. And now that she’s a Spectre, she no longer has to report everything she does back to the Alliance. Her employers, as a Spectre, are the Council.”

“Of course.”

“But.” The ambassador’s hands were clasped so tightly atop his desk that they were trembling, just barely. “As humanity’s first ever Spectre, everything she does will still reflect back on us, regardless of whether or not she’s working for the Alliance. Back on me. Do you understand? I need somebody to… monitor her for me. Keep track of her communications, both incoming and outgoing. Make sure she is still acting in humanity’s best interests.”

Samantha took a moment to process what she was hearing. “So you want me to… spy on her?” she asked.

“With any luck, your mere presence aboard the Normandy will be enough for her to rethink any rash decisions before she commits to them. Knowing that word will swiftly reach me.”

Samantha glanced towards the door, tried to subtly catch the time on her omni-tool. “I’m sorry, but I’m having a hard time understanding why Admiral Hackett would put my name forward for this,” she admitted. “I don’t have any experience in espionage, and no relevant qualifications at all.”

“In part that’s why you were chosen. An expert in espionage would be too much for this. We aren’t looking for Blasto here, Traynor, we just want someone who can report Shepard’s more controversial activities back to us quickly. It will be easier for me to run damage control if I have advanced notice as to what the damage actually is.”

Samantha tapped her fingers against her knee as she considered. Working onboard an active ship with a Spectre was sure to be dangerous. All of the work she’d done with the Alliance thus far had been remote- that was the beauty of being a tech expert. She’d never served aboard any active vessel before, much less one so important as the Normandy.

“It would come with a significant pay increase from your current role.”

She thought of her parents, and of finally being able to buy them a nice farm on Horizon- the sort of place they deserved. “Alright,” she said resolutely. “I’m in.”

-

“Be careful with Saren,” Captain Anderson warned. When Mercy snorted, he doubled down- “I mean it, Shepard.”

She offered him a small half-smile. “I’ll try, but no promises.”

Anderson shook his head, but the way his lips quirked up at the edges betrayed his fondness.

Shepard stepped onto the Normandy alone, lifting a hand to wave to her mentor as the airlock door closed behind her.

Almost the moment she set foot on the ship proper, Kaidan appeared by her side.

“Commander, a word?”

“Can it wait, Lieutenant? I need to speak with Pressly, I want us on the move ASAP.”

“It can’t really, no.”

Shepard stopped walking just before the steps leading down to the CIC. “Is everything alright?”

“Yes. With me, I mean. But Udina-”

Shepard cut him off with a groan.

Kaidan ignored her. “Udina insisted on us taking a new crew-member. Chief Williams thinks it’s highly suspicious, and honestly? I’m inclined to agree with her.”

“What reason did they give for having them onboard? Be specific.”

“She’s a comm-specialist. The Normandy is already one of the best ships in the fleet, and now we have the first human Spectre here, too. Apparently Udina is worried about our image. That, and Admiral Hackett suspects that you’re about to get a lot more popular. She’s here to monitor your comms for you so you don’t have to waste time on fan-mail.”

Shepard looked out over the CIC. There was nobody there that she didn’t recognise. “I should probably speak with her before jumping to any conclusions.” She turned back towards Kaidan. “But you’re right. This is suspicious.”

“I’m sorry, Commander. If it helps, I know that everyone else on this ship is behind you, one hundred per cent. Nothing Udina does can change that.”

Shepard clapped him on the shoulder. “It does help. Thanks, Lieutenant. I’ll come give you and Ash an update later, after I’ve had a little chat with our new ‘comm-specialist’.” She put the last two words in air quotes.

Kaidan’s lips quirked, the briefest of smiles. “Looking forward to it, Commander. I’ll let Williams know.”

He saluted, a gesture she returned before jogging down the steps to talk to Pressly. First, before anything, she had to plot a course. There would be plenty of time to scope her new crew-member out later.

-

After charting a course with Pressly and Joker for Feros (Doctor T’soni and her mother could wait; the colonists would not have the resources to deal with a geth attack, and the sooner Shepard could reach them with armed backup the better), Mercy Shepard headed to her cabin to put something more comfortable on.

She had one arm in her beloved N7 hoodie when the door to her cabin hissed open.

“I’m sorry. Is this a bad time?”

Shepard looked up. “Come in. Specialist Traynor I presume?”

“I see my reputation precedes me.” Samantha stepped into the room. The door closed behind her.

Shepard pushed her other arm through the sleeve of her hoodie. “Forgive me. I like to wear something a little more casual when we’re travelling- not to mention warmer.” She tugged the zip up to her neck and offered Traynor a small smile. “Perks of being the boss.”

“Nothing prepares you for how cold space is, does it?” Samantha mused.

“Have you served on many galactic vessels, Traynor?”

“I’ve been on a ship before. But no, this is my first time serving on an active Alliance vessel. She is… breathtaking.”

“You’d think the Alliance could spare a few extra heaters for her considering how much money they spent on this thing.”

“I think the bulk of the budget went into the IES systems, Commander, not the heating.” Shepard raised an eyebrow, and a moment later Samantha looked away, a blush on her cheeks. “Ah. You were joking with me.”

“Take the elevator down to the lower decks,” Shepard advised. “The IES systems store excess heat in the hull. It stands to reason that the ship will be warmer the closer you get to it.”

“Maybe I’ll go check out the engineering deck then. I’ve heard good things about it.”

“Ask Wrex to tell you some of his stories if he’s still in the shuttle bay. It’s a wonder he’s still alive.”

“One could say the same thing about you.” The moment the words left her mouth, Shepard saw her brown eyes widen. “I’m so sorry, that was completely out of line.”

When Shepard didn’t immediately respond, she continued on: “Wrex. He’s the krogan mercenary, right? You know what, I’ll find him. Sorry for taking up so much of your time, Commander.”

She fled before Shepard could utter a single word of reassurance.

-

Shepard found Kaidan eating a ration bar in the canteen. Ashley was with him, an old-fashioned paperback book in her hand- open, but not being paid any attention.

“Skipper,” she said as Shepard approached their table.

Shepard sat down across from the two of them. “Chief. Lieutenant.”

Kaidan made an apparent effort to finish his mouthful of food. “Commander.”

“Have you had chance to talk with our new babysitter yet?” Ashley asked, leaning forward slightly.

“Specialist Traynor? We had a brief conversation, yes.”

“And? What did you think? Suspicious, right?”

“I think it’s odd that the Alliance would put her with us so suddenly without asking me or the LT first,” Shepard conceded. “But she seems… nice.”

“She came down to the armoury earlier while I was taking care of the rifles. Spent a weird amount of time in the drive core.”

“I think she’s just interested in the technology,” Shepard said.

“Or she was grabbed by Tali,” Kaidan suggested. “If you let her, she’ll talk your ear off.”

“Frankly I don’t know how Adams puts up with her,” Ashley rolled her eyes.

“She’s helping him out a lot actually,” Shepard immediately leapt to her newest recruit’s defence. “I’ve already asked Adams if he’d like her relocated to another part of the ship, and he told me she knew more about how the Normandy runs than he does.”

“I meant no offence, Commander,” Ashley said quickly. “It’s just you have to admit, she is chatty. And quarians are very secretive, generally speaking.”

“Tali has already provided valuable information about Saren and the geth. If she wants to gush over the drive core, she has my blessing.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Ashley said, shooting Kaidan a glance that he pointedly ignored.

“Rumour has it that we’re heading to the Attican Beta cluster?” he asked in a clear effort to change the subject. Shepard was grateful.

“Intel suggests that there’s been a geth attack on a human colony,” she confirmed. “Captain Anderson thought we might be able to find more information there. And at the very least, we can try to prevent a repeat of Eden Prime.”

“I’d like to put my name forward for the ground team, Commander,” Ashley said. “I’d love to shoot some geth after what they did to my unit.”

“Noted, Williams.” Shepard stood up. “Enjoy your down time.”

Chapter Text

The colony on Feros was saved with minimal casualties. It was, in theory, a success- but Shepard couldn’t help feeling that if she’d been just a little bit faster, they could’ve done more to help.

Two out of the three members of the Citadel Council were pleased with her progress. Councillor Sparatus felt she should’ve focused on the Thorian at the expense of the colony. She couldn’t win everybody over every time. She knew that. But some days she resented the fact.

She took a moment after the connection to the Council ended to compose herself. Her report was written and sent to all the appropriate places, and a course had been charted for Therrum. She’d felt that Dr. T’soni might be able to provide them with information about her mother, and that chance was worth locating her first. Taking on an asari matriarch was no easy feat. They needed to take advantage of any potential edge they could.

She should go put her hoodie on and then maybe give the Mako a quick clean. Feros was a dusty planet, and few things calmed her mind like that hunk of metal.

Mind made up, she headed for the door- where she was immediately met by Specialist Traynor. She looked nervous, and Mercy wondered how long she’d been standing there. She imagined her clutching her data-pad, trying to pluck up the courage to knock, afraid to bother the fearsome Commander Shepard, war hero, sole survivor of the famed thresher maw attack on Akuze. A legend. Unkillable.

“Commander, I read your report on the Feros mission and I just wanted to say… Well, thank you. So thank you.”

Shepard blinked. Firstly, Traynor was reading the reports she wrote for Captain Anderson and for the Council- she made a note of that for later. Secondly; “Thank me? What for?”

Traynor clutched her data-pad a little closer to her chest, almost like it was a source of comfort or, perhaps, a protective shield. “I’m a colonist. My parents live on Horizon. Reading your report, I couldn’t help thinking of them. I’m glad that someone like you was there, Commander.”

“I see.” It was more information about Traynor than she’d had five minutes ago- but it did not make her look like a spy. It made her look like a person, with a family, and a childhood. But, then, she supposed that could just be a strategy to get her guard down. “I’ve never made it out to Horizon. Is it nice?”

“It’s good for growing food, which is always a plus for a colony planet. The bugs there are giant, though. I remember when I first went to Earth for university, I couldn’t understand the fuss over the wasps in summer. Or the spiders. They’re all just tiny.”

“What I’m hearing is that if we get a spider stuck onboard, we should come to you,” Shepard teased. “You can catch it for us.”

Samantha’s lips quirked upwards slightly. “Scared of spiders, Commander?”

“Scared is a strong word.”

“You’re a Spectre. You shoot evil robots all day. And you’re scared of spiders?”

“I don’t shoot robots all day,” Shepard folded her arms. “And I’m not scared!”

Samantha smiled at her, not fully convinced. “I have to get back to work, Commander. Let me know if you encounter any bugs in your cabin, would you? I’ll come rescue you.”

Shepard tried to glower at her, but as she walked away giggling into her data-pad, it was impossible not to smile at her retreating back.

-

Ashley did not approve of inviting Dr. T’soni (‘Liara, please,’) onboard as a part of her inner squad. Many of the Alliance crew members agreed with her, although most weren’t so bold as to tell Shepard to her face.

Shepard wondered what Traynor was writing in her report for Hackett and Udina.

In her own report for Anderson and the Council, Shepard had highlighted Liara’s expertise on prothean history and technology. She stressed that she might make a good asset against the Reapers, since no-one else on-board the Normandy could be considered a historian. Captain Anderson had sent her an email to say that he trusted her judgement, although she should be careful all the same.

After talking to Liara about her mother, Shepard was inclined to believe her when she said that she knew nothing about Saren, that she hadn’t spoken to Benezia in years. Others on the ship were quick to question it, but Shepard knew first-hand that sometimes children and their parents drifted apart. The last time she’d seen her own mother, she’d been high on various substances, barely conscious, laughing. Mercy was fifteen. Just over half her life-time ago. It stuck with her, still.

“Will you be alright joining me as part of the ground crew on Noveria?” she’d asked Liara. “I can bring someone else if you’d prefer not to see Matriarch Benezia at all.”

“No, I’ll come,” the archaeologist said. “Who knows? Maybe I’ll be able to help her see reason.”

If it had been her own estranged mother conspiring with a Spectre to bring about the return of the Reapers, Shepard wasn’t sure that she’d be anywhere near as brave.

-

Traynor was trying to make sense of her latest email from Ambassador Udina (she understood the gist of it, but it was so darn wordy) when Shepard sought her out.

“Spider in the bridge,” she said by way of explanation. “Joker can’t catch it because, well, you know.”

“And you can’t catch it because…?” Samantha smiled as she set her data-pad aside and stood up.

“Yeah, yeah,” Shepard mumbled. Was that a blush? Samantha’s smile only grew.

“I’ll need a glass and something thin to slip underneath. Like a piece of paper or something.”

Shepard motioned for her to follow and led her towards the elevator. “Ashley still likes to read those paper things. We’ll see if she has anything.”

“It might take some manoeuvring to get the spider onto an entire book,” Samantha said. “But I am something of an expert. Lucky for you.”

“Lucky for me indeed.”

Ashley wasn’t in engineering, cleaning the guns as was her usual haunt. She was in the crew quarters, playing cards with an array of her crew-mates- including Garrus Vakkarian.

“Williams, could we borrow you for a second?” Shepard asked.

“Can it wait a minute, Commander? I’m about to kick some turian ass.”

“That’s what you think,” Garrus retorted, setting his cards down. “I believe this is called a ‘royal flush’?”

“Fuck,” Ashley hissed, throwing her own cards down. “Alright. Hit me, Commander, what is it?”

“We need one of your books. The paper ones.”

“Oh?” Ashley raised an eyebrow.

“Actually, one of these should do nicely,” Samantha said, slipping one of the cards off of the table. “Nice and flat. Was your spider smaller than this, Commander?”

Shepard gave her a tight nod.

“Commander, are you scared of spiders?” Ashley asked.

Shepard turned and headed for the door before she could be interrogated proper. “Traynor!” she called without stopping or turning around.

“She absolutely is,” Samantha told Ashley before hurrying after her with her card.

It was easy to grab a plastic cup from the canteen without being stopped. Armed with her weapons of choice, Samantha followed Shepard up the bridge to the cockpit, where Joker’s eyes kept flitting to a set of buttons to his right.

“Thanks, Traynor,” he said. “I’d get it myself, but it isn’t worth the time I’d have to spend in the med-bay after.”

“Understood. Just out of curiosity, what would happen if I accidentally pressed one of those buttons it’s sitting on?”

“You’d turn the right side thrusters on. Send us spinning round in a circle.”

“Good to know.”

As she positioned herself over the spider, cup in one hand, card in the other, Samantha couldn’t help but notice how Shepard had stationed herself as far away from the creature as possible without being too obvious. She suspected she’d only picked up on it herself because she knew to look for it.

It was a tiny spider. Samantha was able to put the cup over it easily and slip the card underneath. She lifted it away and peered at it through the translucent plastic.

“There. All done.”

“Thanks, Traynor,” Joker said. “You’re a lifesaver.”

“I know,” she smiled. “Always nice to hear it though.”

“Do you know where the airlock is?” Shepard asked.

“You can’t expect me to just space this little guy?” Samantha asked. “Oh no, he’s coming with me. I’ll release him when we land somewhere suitable.”

“You can’t keep him in a cup.”

“Then I will find him a nice drawer or something. I’m sure Dr. Chakwas has one she wouldn’t mind me using.”

Shepard opened her mouth to protest, but Samantha was already off, her mind set on her mission.

-

Samantha slipped some of the rations that Dr. Chakwas had found into the drawer in the med-bay. Liara had come out of her makeshift office to investigate, and now the three women stood watching as the tiny spider crawled across the web it had already strung across one corner to inspect its new meal.

“If it doesn’t go for that, I don’t know what else to suggest,” Dr. Chawkwas said.

Luckily, the morsel of food seemed to pass the inspection. The spider began to wrap its ‘prey’ in silk, and Samantha felt herself breathe a sigh of relief.

“I take it that is a good sign?” Liara said, eyes fixed on the creature.

“It is,” Dr. Chawkwas confirmed.

“Fascinating. They remind me of the stories I’ve heard of the rachni, only much smaller. Isn’t it strange how things become infinitely more sweet when they’re little?”

“He is kind of adorable,” Samantha conceded.

“We should name it,” Liara said.

Dr. Chakwas rolled her eyes. “I don’t need to tell you both not to get too attached, do I? There’s a good chance it won’t survive long enough for you to release it, and I don’t want you both upset.”

“This is an Alliance vessel, Doctor,” Samantha assured her. “We know to expect losses.”

“Have you seen a loss before, Traynor?”

Samantha couldn’t hold her gaze. She had not. She wasn’t somebody qualified to take part in groundwork, and she had never served onboard a serving vessel before. Her training was entirely in computing.

“I think Adela is a nice name,” Liara cut in. “I had a professor with that name, once.”

“It’s a beautiful name,” Samantha agreed.

Dr. Chawkwas sighed. “Just don’t let it get in the way of your duties, either of you.”

Chapter Text

Mercy Shepard didn’t often cry. Perhaps it was just that she was good at hiding her emotions in front of her crew, but Samantha was still impressed by it. Her experience serving under military commanders was limited, but she’d heard stories. If anybody under the amount of pressure Shepard put on herself broke down, lashed out, nobody would’ve been surprised by it. Other leaders did it often enough.

And then there was Edolus.

An admiral reached out while they were docked on the Citadel for supplies. His unit had gone missing while on a recon mission, and the Council were apparently too busy to help him search for them. So he’d sought out Commander Shepard, and she’d promised that she would look into it. She was always offering to do favours like this, Samantha was coming to realise. It gave her a real storybook hero look, the sort of person that wouldn’t hesitate to rescue stuck kittens from trees for crying children.

The hope was, of course, that the admiral’s unit was alive. They’d just lost communications, maybe due to a storm, and would be back in touch as soon as they could. Best case scenario, this was a rescue mission. Worst, it was a recovery. Shepard had extensive experience with both.

Shepard’s Alliance crew were still suspicious of Samantha’s presence aboard the Normandy, which meant that Samantha found herself spending the majority of her down-time with the aliens- who were also more than familiar with their suspicion. Thus she was in the shuttle bay with Tali, listening to one of Wrex’s wilder merc stories, when the Mako was picked up from the surface of Edolus.

Garrus was the first out of the vehicle. Kaidan and Shepard took a little longer. She had her arm around his shoulders, and for a moment Samantha thought she must be unable to walk due to an injury. But Kaidan helped her to stand and then removed her helmet for her; both her legs looked fine to Samantha’s admittedly untrained eye.

Beneath her helmet, however, Mercy Shepard was a mess- more than she would be after a typical firefight. Her cheeks were streaked with tears and her eyes were rimmed red, darting around the room in search of imminent danger.

Kaidan looked around too; but even with his helmet obscuring his face, it was clear he had a sense of purpose.

“Is Williams here?” he called out. “Gunnery Chief Williams?”

“She’s taking a shower,” Wrex said, breaking away from Samantha and Tali to approach the ground team. “Can I help?”

“She needs to get changed into something more comfortable, but I don’t want her to be alone, and it wouldn’t be…” he coughed, embarrassment clear, “... appropriate for me to stay with her.”

Wrex turned to the two women present.

“Well, don’t look at me!” Tali said. “I don’t know anything about human armour! What if she gets stuck?”

Samantha sighed. “I’ll do it.”

Slowly, hesitantly, she reached out to put a hand on Shepard’s arm. Shepard jumped, wild blue eyes darting to Samantha immediately.

“Traynor?” she whispered, as though only just realising that she was there.

“It’s me, Shepard. I’m gonna take you back to your cabin, okay?”

Shepard shot a confused look at Kaidan, who started to shift her arm over to Samantha. Samantha waited until the Commander was safely draped around her shoulders, armour digging into her skin through her shirt, and shifted her weight slightly to adjust to the newfound pressure.

“Alright, Shepard, come on,” she said, taking a step forward. Shepard walked beside her, albeit a little more clumsily than usual, and together they made their way towards the elevator.

Samantha tried to keep talking. She’d heard that distraction could be helpful when someone was having a panic attack. She wasn’t sure if Shepard was actually hearing anything she said, but it didn’t matter if she wasn’t; Samantha wasn’t saying anything of importance. Mostly just reassurances and explanations; “This is our floor, look. Let’s go to your cabin now, alright?”

In Shepard’s cabin, Samantha helped her over to the bed and sat her down.

“Can you unfasten your armour by yourself?” she asked.

Shepard reached up to try undoing the buckles on her shoulder plates, but her fingers fumbled. She looked up at Samantha and shook her head.

“It’s okay. How about I do your arms, and then maybe when your hands are free you can try the rest, yeah?”

Shepard nodded.

Samantha hadn’t unfastened armour before, and certainly nothing like the Spectre armour that Shepard had access to. But she knew roughly how it was put together, and it was easy to work from there- she always had loved a good puzzle. She unbuckled Shepard’s shoulder, upper, and lower arm plates, and then helped her remove the mesh gloves she wore with the finger guards sewn in.

Shepard could barely speak, and her trembling made a task that should’ve been relatively simple take three times as long. Whatever she’d seen down there had clearly shaken her.

“Can you do your chest piece?” Samantha asked.

Shepard reached a bare arm up to unlatch the buckle that fastened on top of her shoulder.

“Okay, I’m going to look for something for you to wear.”

There was a chest of drawers against one wall. Samantha opened the first one and was met with a collection of plain black socks. She took out a pair and placed it on top of the dresser. The second drawer contained underwear. She hesitated for a fraction of a second before deciding it was best not to think too hard about it all, reaching in to grab a pair of plain black briefs and a matching sports bra. Mercy Shepard seemed to steer towards black in her clothing, which was helpful; it meant that everything matched without too much effort.

In the third drawer, Samantha found some black leggings; and in the fourth, a white t-shirt. Remembering their first encounter, more or less in this very spot, she looked around for the N7 hoodie that Shepard favoured, found it slung over the back of a chair.

Gathering up the selected clothes in her arms, Samantha turned to face Shepard.

She was sitting on the edge of her bed, almost exactly where Samantha had left her, with her armour in a neat pile on the mattress beside her. She held one of her shoulder plates in her hands, and she was staring at it intently. Samantha noticed a deep mark in the paintwork. It looked like it had been hit with some sort of corrosive agent, and the paint had practically boiled away from the metal beneath.

“Hey,” Samantha said softly. Shepard’s head snapped up immediately. “I’ve got some clothes for you. Do you want me to- you know what, I will anyway. I’m gonna turn around while you get dressed, alright?”

She went to set the clothes down on the opposite side of Shepard to her armour, but was stopped by a hand on her arm.

“Thank you, Traynor. Seriously. I don’t usually let myself get like this in front of my crew, and I’d appreciate if you could refrain from telling anyone else outside the team in the shuttle bay. I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Of course,” Samantha said, trying to ignore the way her skin warmed beneath Shepard’s hand. “Of course I won’t tell anyone.”

Shepard breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

Samantha set the clothes down and reluctantly removed Shepard’s hand from her arm. She took a few steps backwards and then turned around, her back to Shepard.

Behind her, she heard Shepard get to her feet, and then the rustle of fabric.

Maybe it was because she was no longer looking at her, but Samantha’s curiosity started to get the better of her. “Can I ask what happened?” she asked.

Shepard didn’t reply for a moment.

“We found a distress signal,” she said eventually. “It was a trap. Right in the middle of thresher maw territory.”

Samantha sucked in a breath. Akuze. Everyone who worked with Shepard, and plenty of people who didn’t, knew all about her experience there. It was her first time in a position of leadership, a new Lieutenant with everything to prove. Instead she’d lost her entire unit.

“I don’t know who set it,” Shepard continued. “But it was deliberately placed, and it… it took me back.”

“I can imagine,” Samantha said softly. “I am so sorry, Commander.”

Behind her, Shepard huffed a small laugh. “Don’t be. I know you didn’t set it, Traynor.”

“Still. It can’t have been easy for you.”

“It wasn’t.”

Silence settled over the room once more.

“You can turn around now,” Shepard said after a few minutes.

Samantha turned. Shepard was wearing the clothes that she’d picked out for her, right down to the socks. The skin-tight weave she wore under her armour, both for comfort and protection, lay in a pile on the bed beside her armour.

“Do you want me to help you get that down to the armoury?” Samantha asked, nodding towards her armour.

“Yes, please. Thank you.”

Samantha gathered up some of the armour into her arms, leaving enough that Shepard had something to carry, too.

“I need to email Admiral Kahoku,” Shepard said as they took the elevator back down to the Engineering deck. “He deserves to know what happened to his unit.”

“You need to rest,” Samantha stressed.

“Not until I’ve told him.”

“I’ll do it.”

Shepard froze. “What?”

Samantha turned, and made sure to look her in the eye, show her she was being serious. “I’ll do it. I can send an email, Shepard.”

“You weren’t on the shore team.”

“Then I’ll ask Lieutenant Alenko to help me.”

Shepard stared at her, and Samantha had to make a conscious effort to hold her ground. She stared right back at her.

“I don’t make a habit of letting my crew boss me around,” Shepard said.

“Make an exception. Just this once.”

Shepard broke eye contact first. Samantha put it down to the day she’d had. “You aren’t what I expected, Specialist Traynor,” she said.

“I take it that’s a good thing?”

Shepard shook her head, a small, almost hesitant smile playing on her lips. “I think it is.”

-

Samantha hadn’t spent all that much time with Lieutenant Alenko. She got the impression that he didn’t trust her, and she couldn’t blame him for that. She was only there to report Shepard’s activities back to Admiral Hackett and Ambassador Udina after all. But it did feel a little bit like Kaidan got on with everyone else onboard the Normandy. He could make Pressly laugh, which was something she had yet to accomplish, and you only needed to spend a few minutes talking about him with Dr. Chakwas to see how fond she was of him.

Still, it was clear that he admired Shepard almost above anyone else. So when she'd explained Samantha’s plan to email Admiral Kahoku on her behalf, he was happy to accept.

While Shepard got some R&R in her cabin, Kaidan and Samantha stood side-by-side at a computer in the CIC.

“I’ve never sent an email like this before,” Samantha admitted as Kaidan typed out a formal greeting.

“I’m sure it’s just like emailing Udina, if you were telling him that his entire squad had been lured to a trap on a remote planet and slaughtered by thresher maws.”

“Ouch,” Samantha murmured. “He just wants to know what the Commander’s been up to so that he can run damage control. Hackett’s CC-ed in on everything I send.”

“Why can’t he just trust her?” Kaidan retorted. “She’s probably the most capable soldier in the galaxy. Hell, the Council can see it, they made her a damn Spectre.”

“He’s probably all too aware of the fact that she isn’t in his pocket, and she never will be. The Ambassador likes people he can control.”

“Like you?”

Samantha chose to laugh at that. It was better than the alternative. “You aren’t holding back today, are you, Lieutenant?”

Kaidan sighed. “The Commander means a lot to me,” he said, eyes resting unfocused on the computer monitor, hands unmoving on the keyboard. “She went through a lot today and I… I’m just worried about her, I guess. Everyone gets to rely on her- Hackett, Kahoku- and who does she have to fix her problems for her? She’s got no family, she refuses to get too attached to anyone else. And today was the most… most broken I’ve ever seen her.”

Samantha hesitated for a moment before reaching out to put a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. “She had you today. She’s got us. This entire crew would follow her to the ends of the galaxy, and I’m sure she knows that.”

Kaidan eyed her suspiciously. “Has she really got you, Traynor?”

She smiled somewhat cheekily, removing her hand from his shoulder. “I mean I did help her get undressed earlier- a detail which I will definitely not be including in my report.”

“Yeah, thank you for that,” Kaidan said. It was impossible not to notice the slight blush on his cheeks. “And thank you for not telling Udina about her panic attack, too. I’m sure she’ll appreciate the omission.”

Samantha shrugged. “It’s not something he needs to know. It won’t be leaving this ship. No damage control needed.”

Kaidan glanced at her as he continued typing out a message for Admiral Kahoku. “Do you like board games, Traynor?”

It took her a moment to process the change of subject. “I, uh, yes! … Why?”

“I’ve convinced Garrus and Gunnery Chief Williams to play a game of Citadel monopoly with me later tonight. You’re welcome to join us if you’re free.”

She broke out into a smile. “It would be an honour.”

“Great! I’ll see you in the crew lounge at 20:00.”

“Great!”

It was the first time she’d been invited to any sort of recreational activity by another member of the Normandy’s human crew. She was more than happy to accept.

Chapter Text

Mercy Shepard stared at the creature on the other side of the glass and found her mind drifting back to the Normandy, and the spider that Samantha and Liara had lovingly kept in a drawer until they’d landed on a planet that it could comfortably live on.

This was almost like a spider. Except it was bigger than any spider she had ever seen, and its ancestors had very famously engaged in a brutal war with the rest of the galaxy when they’d tried to expand their territory.

It still made her spine tingle and her skin crawl.

It should have been a difficult decision to make. If a second rachni war occurred, it would be traced directly to her. She’d be ostracised, hated, and even more blood- the blood of millions, maybe- would be on her hands.

But this did not seem like a warrior. Its ability to control others was disturbing to say the least, but it was the only way it knew how to communicate. This was a mother who had lost too many children. This was a lost soul who wanted a home.

Mercy knew what it was to want a home.

She let it go.

“I sure hope that was the right decision, Commander,” Ashley commented.

Shepard ignored her, looking past her to where Liara stood, trying her best to pay attention, her mind clearly elsewhere.

“Liara,” she said gently. When she didn’t get a response, Shepard walked towards her, gripping her arms roughly.

Liara returned to reality with a start. “Shepard. Sorry, I… A lot has happened. I have a lot to process.”

“I’m unfamiliar with asari customs surrounding death,” Shepard said. “Is there something we should do?”

“We usually bury our dead,” Liara said, eyes fixed on a point behind Shepard. There was nothing there. Maybe it was easier to look at nothing than somebody.

Shepard had never lost a parent before. She’d never really had a parent to lose.

“I can carry the Matriarch back to the ship?” Ashley offered. It was a surprising kindness from her considering how distrusting she’d been of Liara prior to this mission.

“Don’t. I’ll get hold of one of her followers,” Liara said. “She should be buried on Thessia. I think she would want to be.”

“We can go to Thessia if you want to, Liara,” Shepard promised. “If you want to be there when she….” she trailed off.

Liara shook her head. “I’ll visit her grave after we stop Saren. Right now, she would want me to fix her mistakes.”

Shepard studied her for a moment. She was holding it together well, but it was clear that her mother’s death was affecting her. She stepped forward and pulled Liara into a hug. Liara tucked her face into Shepard’s shoulder, wrapped her arms around her, and squeezed.

“Oh, God,” Ashley said after a while. “Guys.”

“There’s plenty of room, Chief, if you wanna get in here,” Shepard offered teasingly.

“I’ll pass, Commander.”

Shepard felt Liara’s laugh more than she heard it.

-

“Should we give her a card?”

Ashley shot Shepard a look that said they should absolutely not do that. “She’s lost her mother, Shepard. No offence, but I don’t think a card will help.”

“Nothing’s going to help,” Samantha pointed out. “We can’t fix it. At least a card would show that we care.”

“Personally I think going out for drinks and letting her reminisce is the way to go,” Ashley insisted.

“Hear, hear,” Garrus piped up.

“This is for Liara, remember,” Shepard said. “I don’t know if she’s really the drinking type.”

“Boo!” Ashley retorted.

“Why don’t we do both?” Kaidan suggested. “We can make a card, and then see if she wants to talk about it. Optional drinks.”

Shepard considered. “Alright. But if anyone doesn’t want to drink, we aren’t going to pressure them.”

Samantha, Kaidan, and Ashley all agreed immediately. Ashley bumped Garrus with her shoulder, and he agreed soon after.

“Humans and asari are both so different,” he remarked. “It wouldn’t be a turian funeral without alcohol.”

“It isn’t a funeral,” Shepard reminded them. “It’s a memorial. And it’s for Liara, remember. Whatever she wants, is what we do.”

A chorus of “yes, Commander”s echoed around the room.

-

Dr. Chakwas was given the task of keeping Liara distracted while the rest of the crew scrambled to put together some sort of haphazard asari memorial service in the mess hall.

Shepard went to fetch them once the preparations were made. She found them in Dr. Chawkwas’ office, blinds closed, pouring over a book on human anatomy.

Shepard smiled from the doorway. “Doctors, could I borrow you for a moment? There’s something I’d like to show you.”

Dr. Chawkwas stayed behind a moment to put the book away, knowing what it was that Shepard had planned. Liara followed to her out of the med-bay to find the human members of the crew wearing their dress blues. Garrus had a flower taped to his chest-plate, and Wrex had made an obvious effort to tidy himself up.

As Liara took them in, Shepard shrugged out of her hoodie and passed it to Samantha, who was waiting on hand to swap it with her ceremonial jacket.

“Liara,” Shepard said. “We don’t know how you usually honour the dead in asari culture, but we’ve done some research, and we wanted to show you that we’re here for you.”

Tali stepped forward, holding a plain white jug from the ship’s kitchens. “We read that you honour your dead with decorated pottery. This is the best we could do, given the circumstances. It’s not exactly beautiful, but-”

“I love it,” Liara cut her off, reaching out to take the jug from her. “And I know my mother would too.”

Tali ducked her head shyly and clasped her hands behind her back. “Well I’m glad.”

“We were hoping you might tell us what we should do next,” Shepard admitted.

Liara looked down at the jug in her hands for a long moment.

“Could we decorate the kitchenware?” Ashley piped up. She was hovering close to Joker, who had neglected to use his wheelchair for the trip downstairs, was now the only one present currently seated. “Tali said that they’re usually decorated, right?”

Liara looked to Shepard; she was already running the logistics through in her brain. It probably wasn’t Alliance protocol to let her crew graffiti all over the kitchenware. It was all standard issue- plain, white, able to withstand being thrown around in a cupboard if a ship took a sharp turn. It was the same on every Alliance vessel.

Which means, she thought resolutely, that it would be easy to replace.

“Sure, why not? Everyone go get something from the kitchen. You might need to pair up, I don’t know if there’s enough for everyone to get one each.”

Several crew members rushed towards the kitchen immediately.

“Commander, I don’t wanna bring the mood down, but what are we going to decorate these things with?” Joker asked.

Shepard turned to look at Dr. Chakwas, leaning in the doorway to the med-bay, watching. “I believe our medic keeps some art supplies in her desk.”

“Art therapy is a valuable way of dealing with stress and trauma,” Dr. Chakwas said defensively, although her lips quirked upwards into a smile. “I’ll bring out everything I have.”

-

Shepard paired up with Samantha and Kaidan to decorate a plain white plate with marker pens and glitter glue.

The process seemed to be helping Liara, who had informed the group as they decorated their various pots, mugs, and bowls that her mother’s favourite colour was yellow. She liked to bring flowers into the house in the summer and keep them in vases. She wasn’t a very good cook, but she made an excellent rendition of an asari hot drink that sounded a lot like hot chocolate, but green and with a bitter aftertaste.

Shepard wasn’t an artist. Neither was Samantha. Kaidan claimed he wasn’t either, but the yellow buttercups he drew around the edge of their plate at least resembled flowers somewhat.

“Let’s write something in the middle,” Samantha suggested. “Maybe ‘Matriarch Benezia’, and then the date?”

“Who has the neatest handwriting?” Shepard asked. They both looked at Kaidan, who sighed and took the plate back from Samantha.

“This is really just my plate,” he said as he wrote out the words in a neat, swooping script. “You two haven’t done anything.”

“I drew those leaves!” Shepard insisted indignantly.

“Yeah, those two tiny leaves, they’re completely drowned out by my flowers!”

“It’s alright, Commander,” Samantha assured her, reaching over to put a hand on hers as though it was the most natural thing in the world. “We’ll cover the whole thing in glitter in a minute. You won’t even be able to see the Lieutenant’s handiwork.”

“Hey!”

Shepard made a conscious effort to release the breath that had caught in her throat. “We can enhance Kaidan’s art with it. Maybe trace over his lettering in glitter glue?”

Across the table, Liara laughed, a part of her own conversation with Ashley and Joker as they worked on the jug that Tali had presented to her. It was loud enough to derail Shepard’s train of thought completely, but in the best kind of way. Her eyes met Samantha’s, and she smiled. “It’s working,” she whispered.

Samantha gave her hand a squeeze.

Chapter Text

On the trail of dying scientists and missing soldiers, Mercy Shepard found Admiral Kahoku’s body in a Cerberus facility. Apparently he’d tried searching for answers about what happened to his crew on his own, and Cerberus hadn’t liked that.

She was still following the trail when Admiral Hackett reached out to her:

“Someone is killing Alliance scientists who worked on a top secret project some years back… It was on Akuze.”

She’d known before she even boarded the shuttle that the mission was going to bring some unpleasant memories back up to the surface. She hadn’t realised quite how many.

Entering that room to find Toombs alive and pointing a gun at an unarmed scientist had brought on a rush of emotions. Relief. Confusion. Guilt.

“They set the thresher maws on us!” Toombs explained. “They were running experiments. They wanted to see what would happen. I woke up in a cell, and they were delighted that I’d survived the attack. They kept me for years. Tortured me. Ran experiments. You got to walk away with a few scratches and a scary reputation. They took my entire life from me!”

“He’s lying!” the scientist said through panicked tears. “You can’t believe a word he says!”

But she could. And she did. And to her horror, she saw the appeal of letting him die.

Still, she knew it wasn’t the right thing to do. It would reflect badly on the Alliance if it got out that she’d let a man be executed without a proper trial due to a personal vendetta, and she owed the Alliance everything.

Convincing Toombs to let him go was made all the harder by the fact that she didn’t really want to let him go herself.

“Give him a non-fatal injury,” she suggested as a compromise. “Make sure he can’t run away before the Fifth Fleet send someone to pick him up.”

Toombs shot him in the leg. And as he fell to the floor, crying out and clutching his wound, Shepard pointedly ignored him.

“With me, Corporal,” she said to Toombs, turning and walking out.

-

Even when a mission was marked ‘top secret’, echoes rattled around the ship as to its details. The moment Shepard and her ground team were gone, rumours began; it’s Akuze. She’s meeting up with somebody who knows about Akuze.

Samantha had almost been afraid to see what state she’d be in when she returned, but Commander Mercy Shepard breezed past her computer set-up in the CIC like nothing was out of the ordinary.

Telling herself it was because she had questions for her report, Samantha trailed after her as she headed across the bridge to meet Joker in the cockpit.

“Set up a comm-link with Admiral Hackett,” she said without a greeting.

Joker, no doubt privy to the details of the mission already, reached over to press a few buttons out of the way of his navigational controls.

“Should I even ask how it went?” he said.

“Just get me Hackett.”

“That good, huh?” Joker pressed another button. “He should be ready now, Commander.”

“Thanks, Joker.” She turned, and saw Samantha waiting awkwardly at the back of the cockpit. “Specialist Traynor. Is everything alright?”

“Yes. No. I-” Samantha tried to remember what questions she’d had for her report, exactly. “Are you alright, Commander?” she asked instead, wincing internally. That held no relevance to her report in the slightest.

Did you shoot any civilians? she realised, a second too late, would’ve been a more appropriate question.

Commander Shepard smiled, although it didn’t quite feel real somehow. “No. But I will be. Thanks for checking in.”

She clapped her on the shoulder as she walked past, a show of camaraderie, and Samantha couldn’t help but reach up to rest her hand on the place she’d touched.

As soon as Shepard was out of earshot, Joker let out a low whistle.

“What?” Samantha asked defensively.

“Nothing,” Joker said. “Just that you’ve got it bad for the CO, Traynor.”

“I do not!”

“You sure don’t make that swoony face whenever Chief Williams taps you on the shoulder.”

“That’s different.” And then, too late; “I’m not swooning!”

“Uh huh.” He was unconvinced.

Samantha sighed. “She’s our commanding officer. There are regs. She would never… It’s not even worth considering.”

“Shit, I didn’t mean to make you all mopey. Just wanted to make sure you knew how obvious you were being.”

“...Is it obvious?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Well. Shit.”

-

In the comm room, Mercy paced while she waited for Admiral Hackett to pick up their commlink. The moment he did, she stopped, all but throwing herself at the barrier separating her from his hologram.

“Permission to tear Cerberus a new asshole, Admiral?”

“Hello to you too, Commander.”

“I want to rip them apart with my bare hands.”

“I have no doubt a powerful biotic such as yourself would have no problem doing so. But it isn’t feasible.”

“Did you know that Corporal Toombs was alive?”

Admiral Hackett blinked, stunned. “No. I look forward to hearing all about it in your report.”

“How could… I can’t…?” Breathe, Mercy. Breathe. She took a deep breath. “I refuse to believe that Alliance High Command had no idea that several of their top scientists had left to pursue these experiments, on people.”

“What did you find, Shepard?” Hackett approached carefully.

She reached up to massage her temples with the tips of her fingers, hoping it might relieve some stress. It didn’t. “You told me that former Alliance scientists were going missing, remember? It was Corporal Toombs. He survived Akuze. He said that an organisation called Cerberus picked him up after… after everything,”

ground rumbling, damaged rover, panic, screaming, running, acid, burning through her armour

“They ran experiments on him. He managed to escape and he’s been getting revenge on the scientists involved. You told me that they were Alliance scientists, Admiral, how were they involved?”

“Shepard, believe me, I had no idea.”

“He said he had one more left to go and then he was going to kill himself,” she choked on the last word. She’d hoped she wouldn’t cry on this vid call.

“Commander. Is Corporal Toombs still alive? Should I send in a pickup crew?”

“He’s alive. He’s getting looked over by Dr. Chawkwas as we speak.” Even with eyes full of tears, the look she gave Hackett dared him to challenge her decision. She knew she’d let an unstable man onboard her ship. But Captain Anderson had hired her here, too, and she didn’t see how that was any different. “I’ll bring him to the Citadel for you. He needs trauma therapy, the best we can offer.”

“Understood.” A beat. “What about the scientists?”

“Dr. Wayne might want that pickup crew you suggested.”

“He’s alive, then?”

“Yes.” The ghost of a smile touched her lips. “You might want to hurry. He’s been shot in the leg. Probably losing a lot of blood.”

“What? Commander-”

She hung up and rubbed at her eyes with both hands.

She was going to put her hoodie on, see if they had any coffee sachets left in the mess, and then lock herself in her quarters.

-

Neither she nor Toombs were seen much by the rest of the crew on their return trip to the Citadel. Every few days, Joker would talk to her over the ship’s comm systems in a private channel; “Hey, Commander. Just wanted to make sure you were still alive and stuff.”

Samantha brought dinner to her every evening, knocking on her door and pressing the tray into her hands without a word, eyes searching hers through the whole exchange.

Shepard would thank her, head back into her room, and eat alone.

When they reached the Citadel, she finally changed out of her hoodie and leggings and escorted Toombs to Captain Anderson in Udina’s office herself.

“Look after him, Captain,” she pleaded.

Captain Anderson nodded. “Like I did you,” he promised.

-

That night, Shepard ate dinner in the mess hall with the members of her crew that shared a break with her.

Liara claimed the seat beside her, stirring her instant noodles with her fork but barely eating at all.

“I shall miss Corporal Toombs,” she said eventually. Shepard’s head shot up. “He was nice. Sad, but…” She continued to mix her noodles. “He taught me how to play poker.”

Shepard couldn’t help the snicker that escaped her. “Did he now?”

Liara nodded. “He and Dr. Chakwas. It will feel empty in the med-bay without him there.”

“He’s going to be okay,” Shepard said aloud. It was supposed to comfort Liara, but she found the words set her own mind at ease somewhat.

“Yes,” Liara said, and the look in her eyes said that she knew exactly what Shepard was feeling in that moment. “It’s all going to be alright.”

Shepard smiled at her, and then rested her head on her shoulder and closed her eyes and just let herself be.

She was glad they’d recruited Liara.