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Chapter Text

When he saw Luo Binghe fall, he knew he made the wrong choice.

Shen Qingqiu stood there at the edge of the abyss, his sword still stretched out in front of him. He watched as the flames of the abyss vanished as the crack in the earth closed. All around him the screams of cultivators and dying beasts stilled.

He killed his white lotus, after all this time he killed the one person who cared for him in this shit novel. Shen Qingqiu stood there until his knees collapsed in exhaustion. He let Xiu ya bounce out of his grasp when it hit the ground. He still stared at the barely visible outline of what used to be, he didn't even notice the tears falling down his face.

Shen Qingqiu.. shouldn't have done it. He should have taken the punishment. Hugging the protagonist's thighs was fine but he grew too attached to his white lotus. He didn't want him to go through the endless abyss, he should have put the blade down. He was even worse than the original goods.

With a shaky hand he grabbed a fragment of Zheng yang. Shen Qingqiu finally tore his eyes away from the ground to look at the shard in his right hand. Through blurry eyes he took note of how blood slowly dripped down his wrists but he couldn't care less.

He moved his hand so the shard end of the broken blade would rest on his neck. A shiver went down his spine when he felt the cold meet warm skin, the contrast was staggering.

He barely registered that the force field around the arena was shut off. What he did register was the sudden sounds of people all around him. He couldn't take the sound, everything was so loud.

He should.. do it before the others come. That way he didn't have to do it in front of people.

But, wouldn’t that rob Luo Binghe of his much deserved revenge? That's why she shouldn't.

Ha.

 It was just an excuse, wasn't it?

He’s pathetic isn’t he.

Shen Qingqiu passed out before the others arrived.

—

His awareness drifted in and out for a long time. At least that's what he thinks, days could have passed and he wouldn't have realized it. It was like drifting on clouds. He was comfortable, sleeping on his bed at home while rain spattered on his window of his highrise. Shen yuan liked those days, even if his weak bones became stiff from the humidity.

He heard people talking. Shen Qingqiu frowned and grumbled “ Binghe, there's no visitors this early, this master has already told you. “ and then reality hit him.

“ BINGHE! “ Shen Qingqiu yelled and bolted into a sitting position. The whispering stopped and his eyes snapped to the previous source, Liu Qingge and Mu Qingfang were looking back. The doctor was already by his side and had a hand on his shoulder, pushing him gently but forcefully onto his back. Shen Qingqiu squirmed under the hold.

“ Careful Shen Qixiong, “ Mu Qingfang warned. “ You nearly suffered a Qi deviation; your meridians are all out of sorts so you need to be careful. “

Shen qingqiu frowned at the doctor. “ I can assure you that this master is fine. I suggest you put your efforts to those who need it, like the kids who were injured during the catastrophe. “

Mu Qingfang minutely furrowed his brow and glanced at Liu Qingge, who only shrugged. They both looked at him as if he was a spooked cat. “ Shen Qixiong.. It's been almost 6 shichen since the incident occurred. You have been in a coma for that long. “

“ What? How? “ he blurted out, getting up into a sitting position again despite Mu Qingfang's protests. The bed was stiff, not unlike the beds he used to lay on when Shen Yuan was in those hospitals in his past life, he tried to find a comfortable place but gave up and looked at Mu Qingfang, who was looking at him assessedly. That definitely didn't make him jump.

“ This shidi is not sure. Usually comas are induced by traumatic brain injury, stroke, or lack of oxygen. However when we found you, you had injuries normal for nighthunts, there was no indication you lacked any oxygen. There might be a possibility that your meridians were too stressed for your body to handle. I'm sorry this one doesn't have enough information to answer your question. “

Mu Qingfang bowed, looking guilty. Liu Qingge scoffed and went to Shen Qingqiu, holding up his wrist to check his meridians. While he did that, shen Qingqiu stared at Mu Qingfang. Why was he guilty? He wasn't the one who made him pass out. He patted his shoulder nervously.

“ It's alright, shidi. What matters now is that i’m.. “ he hesitated, looking back to what his thoughts were before he passed out. His hand twitched. The cut from zheng yang has long since healed, the scar almost vanished as well. “ ..awake and alive. It wouldn't have been the case if you hadn't arrived on time. “

Which I was hoping for, he didn't say. Shen Qingqiu couldn't burden his shidis with his thoughts. Or what truly happened that day, which they will surely ask when he recovers.

“ You are still weak. “ Liu Qingge stated, then roughly shoved him down onto the bed. “ Rest. “

He left after his declaration. Mu Qingfang looked at his retreating back with exasperation. But he looked back at Shen Qingqiu with a soft smile.

“ Liu Shixiong is right, please rest some more before we can discuss what happened during the conference. “

He walked to the open of the tent and blew out the fire that kept light.

Shen Qingqiu didn't sleep that night.

—

“ Luo binghe is dead. “ Shen Qingqiu announced at the peak lord meeting that was established for the aftermath of the chaos. " He was downed by the demons that brought disorder during the conference. “

Everyone around them looked at the state of Shen Qingqiu. He looked blank, as if this news didn't affect him. But if one would look closely, the hands that rested on the table were shaking and no disciple stood behind him.

There was a beat of silence to honor Shen Qingqius' prized disciples death. Then the meeting continued as if he was only a memory. Shen Qingqiu looked down at his hands.

Maybe luo binghe is a memory. The memory of the white lotus who followed him like a dog, happy to serve his shizun.

He forced himself to pay attention to the meeting, to distract himself from the pain that was aching deep inside him.

It was fine. Shen Qingqiu was fine.

—

Shen Qingqiu couldn't take it anymore. He was on the floor of the bamboo house. Tears threatened to fall as he hyperventilated. He was struggling to breathe, his hand clenched over his heart with a desperation to rip it out. He tried to move but only collapsed. He made an effort to get up with his free hand on his bed, but his arms were too weak.

His eyes darted everywhere as he tried to make sense of his surroundings. But his tears blurred his vision causing everything to be fuzzing. He didn't know what he was looking for. His heart beating faster by the minute. Shen Qingqiu heard a choked out sob and barely registered that it came from him. As he moved blindly, his hand suddenly touched something cold.

Shen Qingqiu tried to reign in his breath and blinked several times until he saw that it was Xiu Ya.

Do it.

The voice sounded suspiciously like Bingge.

But he was right. Shen Qingqiu should do it. He failed his disciple. He failed to save him from the endless abyss. He should have died instead. He was so selfish. It was the least he could do for luo binghe.

To die.

With strength that wasn't there before, Shen qingqiu grabbed Xiu Ya and held it to his throat. But he hesitated.

It's what luo binghe deserves.

Yes.. it is what he deserves. That gives him courage.

And he slit his throat.

—

Ning yingying knocked on the door of the bamboo house and glanced nervously at Ming fang. Shizun wasn't answering the door.

“ Surely he would have remembered that he was supposed to teach class today. “ She mumbled, moreso to herself. Ming fan knocked this time, louder than hers.

“ Do you think he's asleep? “ Ning yingying asked hopefully, wishing her shixiong would have an answer. Before he could respond they heard a loud thump. They looked at each other in alarm.

“ Apologies to shizun! “ Ming fan yelled before kicking the door down. They frantically looked around the main room, no one was there.

“ Shizun?1 “ Ming Fan cried out as he rushed to check the kitchen. Ning yingying decided to go to the bedroom for her search.

“ Shizu- AAAHHH! “ Her hands flew into her mouth as she saw the scene before her. Shen Qingqiu on the floor, blood pouring from his neck. She rushed to his side and tried to put pressure on the wound. She looked in horror as blood stained her pale hands.

Ming fan, who heard Ning yingying’s scream stumbled into the room, Only for him to yell out and rush to Shen Qingqiu's side too. He poured spiritual energy into him and saw how weak his meridians were and his heart barely beating with the amount of blood he lost.

“ Ming Fan, Ming fan get out the emergency talisman and get Mu Qingfang! “ Ning yingying choked out as she pressed harder. Her spiritual energy was too weak to do much to help. Ming fan took off his hands from the wound and shuddered on how much blood there was.

“ I-I will! “ he started sobbing as he looked inside Shen Qingqiu's robes for the qiankun pouch he knew his shizun kept for emergencies. He kept saying “ I’m sorry “ over and over again as he felt inside Shen Qingqiu's sleeves. He noticed how cold he was to the touch.

He opened multiple pouches hoping for the right one. “ Yes! “ he exclaimed when he found it. As quickly as he could he searched with his shaking hands. He took out the talisman with the hand with the least amount of blood, afraid that it would mess up the writing. He slapped it against the floor to activate it and went back to trying to heal his shizun.

“ Who would do this? “ Ning yingying cried, hands slipping slightly, their shizun unresponsive. Ming fan glanced around until it stopped on Shen Qingqiu's right hand, which held Xiu Ya.

“ He.. did it himself. “ Ming fan muttered, his eyes wide. Ning YingYing looked at him in disbelief.

“ Sh-shizun would not! I mean Luo binghe is gone but shizun wouldn't.. Wouldn't. He just wouldn't! “ She denied shaking her head aggressively. Ming fan pointed at the sword that was glistening with blood.

There was a beat of silence with only their ragged sobs being heard.

“ Why.. would he?! “ Her cries spread anew as she laid her forehead on Shen Qingqiu's chest. The beats are far too weak, their spiritual energy only hanging him on a thread.

They heard footsteps rush through the bamboo house, doors already flown open. Three peak lords arrived, and all were stunned silent.

“ PLEASE! HELP SHIZUN! “ Ning Yingying screamed, pushing them to motion. Mu Qingfang's doctor facade broke as he felt how weak Shen QIngqius pulse was, shen Qingqiu didn't even stir.

“ Who did this to him! “ Liu Qingge scowled, Cheng luan already out.

“ He did this to himself. “ Snot and tears falling down Ming fans' face. “ No one but him was here! “

“ But why would he.. “ Yue Qingyuan's voice trailed off as he stared at him.

“ We don't know! He was fine yesterday! But- but he didn't come to classes today so we came to check on him! And then- then we found him like this! “

Mu Qingfang snapped at Liu Qingge, “ Get over here! I need you to carry him to Qian Cao, he's lost too much blood to do anything here! “

In a flurry of motion, Liu Qingge picked up Shen Qingqiu, and rushed out on his sword. Mu qingfang quickly followed. Ming Fan And Ning Yingying got up to do the same but were stopped by the sect leader. He looked at them wearily.

“ I suggest you two stay here, “ He tried to look composed but failed.

“ But- “

The sect leader shook his head and Ming Fan shut his mouth.

Yue Qingyuan left, leaving the two sobbing and stained with blood.

Chapter Text

Outside, Qian Cao was peaceful: the birds were singing, there was a slow murmur of young cultivators preparing for their future, and the serene scenery left by the abundance of herbs on the peak was beautiful. But nothing could equate to the chaos that was inside of the clinic.

As usual it was in a frantic mess all throughout the day. Injured disciples from all the peaks come to cian Qao.

What was unusual was the fact that a peak lord was fighting for his life. They hadn't had one near death before inside the main hospital on ciang cao. As they worked to keep him alive, the sun moved towards the west, until it finally descended into the darkness. Soon the clinic's roaring rapids finally slowed down into a small stream. When the clinic finally closed for the day, besides the nighttime attendants, those who stayed were the peak lords: Mu Qingfang, Liu Qingge, and Yue Qingyuan.

Eyes resting on shen qinqiu, a tense silence suffocated the room. No one talked or even breathed for minutes.

“ Why did… he do this? “ Yue Qingyuan muttered, his eyes glassy as he asked the question weighing on everyone's mind. “ What.. triggered this? “

“ He was having a hard time with the death of his disciple. It's only been three days. “ Liu Qingge answered as he shook his head.

“ Is that something that could trigger this type of event? Especially if it's been such a low amount of time? " Yue Qingyuan wondered, he has never seen anything like this. Demons? Sure. People harming others? Especially in his slave life. Harming oneself? No. Especially if one was a cultivator.

My Qingfang ran a hand through his hair and sighed, finally speaking. “ Mental health isn’t a widely searched problem, this one has been trying to get around doing research myself to add to the very little that is known. I had treated suicidals but there wasn't enough information to gouge in because they are usually put in a program that this doctor doesn't have the time to supervise. From what I know, something scarring could trigger emotional anguish. To what extent? This doctor is not sure. But I do know that the amount of time passed does not take into account something like this. It could be quick or it could slowly fester in the mind until the patient can not take it anymore. “

They all looked back at Shen Qingqiu.

Mu Qingfang definitely needed to research mental health.

He just prayed to the heavens that this was a one time occurrence and the research would be for nothing.

 He truly hoped that his shixiong wouldn't do anything more.

The door slammed open and they all jumped. There, small and panting, was shang qinghua. “ I came as soon as I could! The town was too far away to come faster and the Qing Jing disciples.. Pointed.. Here. “ He slowed his speech as he looked in horror at Shen Qingqiu on the bed, looking pale and sickly.

“ What?! Cucumber bro?? “ He yelled out before he could stop himself and rushed to his side. He hands in his air as if unsure where to put them. “ What happened? Nothing should have gotten him? Wait, it's too early for that. “

The others looked at him suspiciously and he laughed nervously before he took Shen  Qingqiu's hand and checked his meridians. It was still weak. He looked back at the three expecting an answer. They were looking at him weird. He decided to ignore it because his special bro was hurt right now. Nothing was going to prevent him from holding his hand in comfort.

“ He tried to commint suicide. “ Mu QIngfang answered. " He was found by his disciples bleeding out. “

“ .. what? Cucum- Shen Shixiong, “ He looked in horror at his hometown friend.

“ Don’t… Binghe is not worth it.. “

“ Don't do this to me. “

“ Don't leave me alone. “

—

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Shen Yuan grumbled and turned, burrowing himself inside the scratchy blankets the hospital had to offer.

This was wrong.

His eyes snapped open. He sat up and quickly regretted it with how dizzy and lightheaded he became. He groaned. Once Shen Yuan's headache finally stopped he blinked until he could make of his surroundings. Yes. he was in a hospital.

He recognized the stale and antiseptic smell of it. He recognized the beeps that signaled his heart was still unfortunately beating. Those tubes and wires coming from his arm. And his old cuts. He forgot about those. Ever since he had died he hadn't felt the need to cut, too occupied with changing the shit novel.

How long has it been? Four, three years since he had transmigrated into PIDW? So why was he here? Looking around again he noticed that there was no one there. Outside he can see it bustling with life with patients and doctors. But it was quiet inside.

Shen yuan remembered this was how it usually is. Earlier in life, his parents had come with him for hospital visits. Holding his hand and saying it was alright. But as he got older and tried to kill himself a couple of times, they slowly stopped going with him. Usually calling for an ambulance if there was an emergency and letting them pick him up. They gave him the best service however. The best rooms, the best medicine. The only thing missing was their presence.

Shen yuan hugged his knees to himself. Right.. That's how it has always been.

Alone.

Being in PIDW had made him feel loved. His sect siblings visited him often. He had little kids to teach. And he had Luo Binghe around when he was meant to be alone.

Shen yuan had forgotten what it was like to be alone.

The silence was too loud.

The silence was so loud.

He held his head.

Please make it stop.

When he was shen yuan, it was easy to ignore the silence. He was content with it actually. Being sickly all his life had forced him to like the silence. He was homeschooled, he wasn't expected to take up the family business. He was left to his own devices. So eventually he took up reading. And it was just so.. Easy to get lost in a world that was not his. Seeing people who were more unfortunate than him and break through to the top was exciting. Then he found Xianxia and he became more obsessed with reading. A world where there is no sickness because they were too strong for it?? If only he had it! Then he would no longer be sick!

His parents were glad that he had something to distract himself from the pain. Given just weeks before discovering books he had tried to kill himself. So he had been left reading all day and everyday. And when he had said that he wanted to live alone, they agreed, quite enthusiastically in fact. Apparently they couldn't wait to get rid of him.

That certainly did things to him. Most of the time being alone was good. Sometimes it was not. And that was why there were cuts all over his wrist. His parents didn't even notice. At least he didn't think they did. But why would they care? They got rid of him. And he knew when he died they wouldn't have cared. Getting rid of their burden.

A choked sob could be heard. It could have only come from him. The beeping of the machine became quicker and louder, showing that his heart was racing. The world was spinning in his vision as he hyperventilated.  He clutched his head as he cowered into himself.

No one cared when he died.

He vaguely heard the door slam open as the world turned black.

—

When he was aware Shen Qingqiu knew he was in the waking world. But his dream of being in that hospital haunted him. Slowly he remembered what happened. Oh. right. He tried to use Xiu Ya to kill himself.

Shen Qingqiu barely remembered what happened. It was all fuzzy. Wait. Why is he alive? The cut was deep enough for it to be swift.

He opened his eyes. The smell of herbs suddenly assaulting him. He scrunched his face but didn't move. He can tell he is on Qian Cao.

But how did he get here? No one went inside the bamboo house besides Luo Binghe.

He bit his lip at the reminder of what he had done.

He shouldn't be alive.

Nonetheless he moved to prepare his botched explanations to his sect siblings, figuring that just like in the hospital, no one would be there.

“ Ah, Shen Shixiong. You're awake. “

Fuck.

He turned quickly in surprise and groaned, his hand moving towards his throat.

“ Be careful. No sudden movements or it will irritate the wound. “ Shen Qingqiu saw Mu Qingfang move to his side and grab his wrist gently. Behind him, he could see Yue Qingyuan and Liu Qingge. Hell he even saw Shang qinghua, the rat called airplane cowering behind Liu Qingge and looking at him nervously. Why was he here? Hell, why was anyone here?

He wasn't ready. No one was supposed to be here when he woke.

“ How are you feeling Shen Shixiong? “ Mu Qingfang asked as took his hand from Shen Qingqius' wrist, allowing him to sit up slowly. Shen qingqiu unconsciously rubbed the scar on his neck before responding.

“ I'm fine. “

Mu Qingfang furrowed his brow. “ Are you sure? Ming Shizhi had triggered an emergency talisman and… “ he trailed off, not so subtly glancing at the scar on his neck. Shen Qingqiu cringed at that. But since they didn't give him time to fabricate an answer he stood adamant.

“ This master is fine. “ he reached for his fan, but found none. Forcing his scowl to be seen. “ There is no need to worry. It was just a mistake. “

Liu Qingge approached and dropped his fan on his lap, he quickly grabbed it and snapped it open. Nodding his thanks to Liu Qingge. Then someone who he really didn’t expect to be there spoke.

“ I know I came in late. “ The stupid plane started. “ but it looked bad when I came. “

Shen Qingqiu scowled his way, and even if there was a fan blocking his way, Shang Qinghua got the hint. But still looked at him with worry.

“ Nothing about what happened is fine! " Liu Qingge hissed. “ Why did you do it? “

“ Shen Shidi.. “ Yue Qingyuan began but was interrupted by Mu Qingfang.

“ He's right.. But you don't need to tell us why… we just want you to know it's not fine. “

Besides Liu Qingge, everyone was treating him as if he was glass. And he hated that. He narrowed his eyes. But before he could respond Mu Qingfang continued.

“ This doctor would need to ask a few questions to assess your mental stability and keep you for overnight observation. “

Shen Qingqiu's face turned red with rage. “ It was one slip up! You don't need to go to such lengths! Especially staying overnight! “

Mu Qingfang, calm as ever simply said. “ You imply that once is fine and that only multiple times raises issues. I assure you that is not the case. And it is very necessary to keep you overnight. “

“ I will not stay overnight. “

He was mad, more pissed than any peak lord - besides Shang Qinghua - has ever seen. There was so much emotion in his face. But this was for his well being. So Mu Qingfang stood his ground.

“ Yes you will. Whether you want to or not. “

Shen Qingqiu barked a laugh. “ and how exactly are you going to make a higher ranked peak lord do that hm? “

Mu qingfang demonstrated it for him.

Laying down paralyzed with a needle sticking out of his neck, Shen Qingqiu ponders how scary his Mu shidi truly is.

“ These are usually saved for my violent patients whose actions were caused by poisons and injury but it is more than capable of handling those who are not willing to comply. “

“ Right. “

Shen Qingqiu didn't even have the strength to argue.

Mu Qingfang turned to the others. “ This doctor must ask you to leave. These questions are personal and privacy is required. Patient confidentiality. “

They all left, trusting the words of the professional. In Shen Qingqiu's head he was screaming for them to come back. Shen Yuan hated being alone with a doctor.

Mu qingfang left him there for a couple of minutes as he went around the room to gather things. He tested if he could move his body but it ended up failing. He couldn't move an inch. Finally, The scary doctor sat in the very stereotypical therapist pose and Shen Qingqiu knew that this was going to go badly. He quickly built a stronghold over his emotions and left his face blank. Preparing for the questions he's already heard before multiple times.

“ Are you currently having thoughts about killing yourself? “

Yah, let me crawl into a hole and die please. But he couldn't say that, nope. Especially because these characters don't understand modern humour. So he said no.

“ what led up to the attempt. “

Shen Qingqiu stayed quiet. Mu Qingfang sighed and tapped on the paper. “ If you don't answer then I have no choice but to have you stay multiple nights to assess. “

Shen Qingqiu's eyes widened and he hastily responded.

“ I was having a panic attack. “

Mu Qingfang quirked an eyebrow. “ So that means it was impulsive? “

“ Yes. “

“ Did you want to die? Or did you just want the pain to end. “

Shen yuan had to think about this. He doesn’t know why.

“ Maybe both. I don’t know “

He doesn’t give a fuck when he used improper language.

“ How do you feel about having survived? “

“ I don’t know. “

“ Shixiong, you can’t go home if you don’t answer these questions properly. “

“ Well I'm telling the truth! I just don't know! It was out of the ordinary, I was just weak! Ok?? Is that what you wanted me to tell you? That I’m fucking weak to my own sickening thoughts! That I thought I deserved to die for what I had done? “ he yelled, his face contorted in anger, he felt tears sting the edge of his eyes. He just couldn’t bear this. Shen Qingqiu had already gone through questions like this and it was always annoying. It wasn’t like he knew the answer too!

Mu Qingfang wrote down what he said. Now isn’t that humiliating? He rested his hands and got up.

“ That is exactly what I need, thank you Shen Shixiong. Now I will leave you to rest. You will be able to go home tomorrow. “ He bowed and left the room.

Shen Qingqiu let the tears fall as he lay paralyzed, staring blankly at the ceiling.

Chapter Text

The leaves on the bamboo rustled a song as gentle winds played on their cords. It was a nice summer day, the blaze of the sun not particularly punishing, allowing the disciples to roam free to play. Every day was like this in Qing Jing, never too much, just enough, regardless of winter or summer. The pond glistened with the sun's beams shining down on its surface.

Shen Qingqiu breathed in the fresh air and sighed. Today, he allowed the disciples a day off, content to take advantage of the modern-day system with weekends. That means he had days off, too. Using this to finally take advantage of the nice weather, he had set up a small picnic. Back when he was a kid, Shen Yuan couldn't go outside with his weak body, and so he couldn't participate in picnics. He often woefully looked out the window when his parents arranged picnics for all his family members, besides him, to have fun in.

Now that Shen Yuan was perfectly healthy, besides without-a-cure, he selfishly took this opportunity to achieve that wishful dream he had in his previous life. Shen Yuan hummed as he sipped his tea, allowing the warm liquid to fall between his lips. When he set it down, he frowned. What was missing?

He looked around. This specific lake that he had chosen was quite a way away from the mainstream of the peak. Mostly because he wanted no one to bother him, but now that the only thing rustling the bushes was the wind, he was starting to feel dejected.

The isolation settled on his bones, making him shiver, despite the nice weather outside. He guessed that what he had truly wanted from the picnic was the closeness of the people he loved; he wanted so desperately to have the connection that humans had. To be loved and cared for enough that he could hang out with them, on a beautiful day that was subpar to this one. But the people around him would let him ignore the bad weather, and he would feel happy.

Suddenly feeling a sickening unease, he decided to drop the topic from his mind and shove it in the deepest part of him, where everything else he'd rather not think about goes. Unfortunately, ruining his own picnic, he started to pack up. But before he could fold the blanket, he heard the call of a certain white sheep.

“ Shizun! “

Shen Qingqiu turns towards him with a smile, “ Ah, Binghe, may this master ask what you're up to? “

Luo Binghe bowed and looked at him as if he held the stars. Come on, Binghe!! This old master's heart can't take the white lotus status effect!!

“This disciple wanted to bring Shizun snacks, as well as ask if he would allow this one to accompany him for this occasion. “

Right. Picnics didn't exist until the seventeenth century, so of course Luo Binghe doesn't know what it was that he was doing. Though Shen Yuan had planned to just leave, finally having company would simply void the reasons why he would have left. He adjusted the blanket back into a good position and patted the area right next to him when he sat down. Luo Binghe bowed again, happy with being invited, and sat elegantly like a protagonist should before pulling out the food he had made.

All of them were mouth-watering, of course, so Shen Qingqiu pulled out the tea set he had just put away, and after much protest from Luo Binghe, poured them both cups. Setting aside the pot, he grabbed a pastry, moaning at the delectable taste. When he turned back to Luo Binghe, he saw that he was pink, most likely the sun rays. Shen Qingqiu decided to answer his question he didn’t ask.

“ This is a recreational activity from my hometown, you usually hang out and eat food, play with those around you, and talk. It’s nice if you want to spend time with those you cherish. It’s sad if you're alone, but this master wanted to experience his home again. “

He pulled his knees up, putting his arms on them and laying his chin, gazing at the lake in front of him. It was unbecoming of someone as dignified as him, but with Binghe? It’s alright, the boy doesn’t judge him.

“ What is this activity called? “

“ It’s a picnic. “

He gazed at the lake in front of him with sorrow. Shen Yuan knew he shouldn’t miss his old home, that it would only lead to a full-on crash out. He’s seen it multiple times in the books he’s read. Shen Qingqiu, deciding to avoid the negative thinking, looked at Luo Binghe with a smile.

Only to see Bingge staring right at him.

Shen Qingqiu stumbled back in shock. The smile on his face was menacing, sending chills down his spine.

“ Shizun must miss his hometown very much. It’s too bad you won’t see it again. “

Shen Qingqiu jumped up and tried to retreat, only to slip on the cloth below him, landing back onto the floor. He scrambled away from Bingge, but the clawed hands grabbed his ankle, pulling him back. Shen Qingqiu yelped as the grip nearly broke his bones.

“ Shizun, why are you running away from me? Are you guilty? You know what you did. “ Bingge snapped, and suddenly he saw his leg detach from his body. His eyes widened, and he opened his mouth to scream. But Bingge forced his free hand onto his mouth, and he felt metallic on his tongue.

“Don’t fight it. “ Bingge purred in that sweet voice he often used whenever he and Luo Binghe were alone. Shen Qingqiu tried to kick with his remaining leg, but to his horror, Luo Bingge grabbed his other ankle. Tears began to fall as his screams were muffled.

Bingge laughed cruelly as he carelessly threw Shen Qingqiu's other leg behind him. His demonic red eyes snapped towards green.

“ Shizun deserves this. “

—

Shen Qingqiu woke up screaming, the pain from his legs being ripped off excruciating. He tried to scramble back as he looked frantically around. When he hit the wall, he felt bile in his throat.

Gagging, he leaned over the bed and puked. While this was happening, he hardly registered the panic flurry that was going on in the room. With Bingge's evil smile and leg in his claws, engraved into his brain.

He sobbed as more puke rose and made him choke. Shen Qingqiu was shaking all over. He felt someone pull his hair back, but all he could do was cry as he prepared for it to be ripped off. Soon nothing could come out of him, but he kept dryly heaving. The wood under his hands splintered from the force of his grip.

An incense of time passed before he could become fully aware of his surroundings. Blinking aggressively through the onslaught of tears, he looked up to see Mu Qingfang by his side. He tried to gulp but realized it was a bad mistake when he tasted the disgusting bile burning his throat.

Mu Qingfang handed him a glass of water and what looked to be a pill. Shen Qingqiu pushed them away, and that only made Mu Qingfang sigh and proceed to shove it down his throat. Struggling away from those hands, he was suddenly pinched, momentarily paralyzing him, as he was forced to take the pill. He stared daggers at the doctor abusing his abilities.

When he finally had the pill consumed, he took away the pressure. Shen Qingqiu looked away and sat himself up properly. That only made him look at all the puke on the floor, and he became guilty. He must have sensed his emotions because Mu Qingfang quickly threw a cleansing talisman at the floor, and the puke vanished.

Shen Qingqiu wearily looked at the doctor, expecting him to be chastised. But he said nothing as he took out a cloth to clean the sides of his mouth. Mu Qingfang left the room for Shen Qingqiu to sulk in his own misery.

He came back with a steaming bowl of congee. His stomach tightened not in hunger, but in regret. Luo Binghe's congee was his favorite to eat.

Shen Qingqiu glanced at it but didn’t move, refusing to grab the bowl. Mu Qingfang had already predicted that and said.

“ If you don’t eat this, then you will not be able to leave. “

Shen Qingqiu scowled, “How many times do you have to threaten me with that, now that you have found my weakness? “

All while saying that, he was shaking. The thought of staying had again frightened him to comply. Mu Qingfang is a good doctor, terrible, but good.

Mu Qingfang didn’t respond, only handing him the congee. He really didn’t want to use the only weakness he knew of Shen Qingqius, but he was quite a difficult patient, and he needed him to cooperate.

Shen Qingqiu ate the congee silently, the taste worse when he thought about Luo Binghe's food, something he never deserved. When he finished, he silently put the bowl down and looked up at Mu Qingfang.

“ You will be discharged soon. I will do a couple of check-ups before you go. “

Shen Qingqiu nodded and said nothing. Taking that as a cue to leave, Mu Qingfang left him once more with the bowl. Shen Qingqiu sighed and slumped onto the bed, scratching at the scar on his neck.

This was an inconvenience, he told himself; this was something that won’t happen again, he won't need to deal with a hospital again. He won't let himself survive next time.

Mu Qingfang tried to check his meridians, but Shen Qingqiu slapped his hand away.

“You puked, and I assure you that I need to check that your meridians are alright, “ He stated firmly, holding out his hand. Shen Qingqiu gave him a frustrated sigh and laid his hand on top of his. Mu Qingfang smiled as a reward as he put two fingers on his wrist. It didn't faze him at all.

Mu Qingfang frowned. “ Your spiritual energy is frazzled, most likely from what had caused you to puke, and it’s making your anxiety spike. “ Shen Qingqiu pulled away his hand once he deemed the evaluation finished, rubbing it as if it was gripped tightly. He quickly looked down at his feet to confirm that his legs were, in fact, still attached. He rubbed at them absentmindedly, cherishing them for the time they were still there.

“ Are you going to ask those stupid questions again? Or are you going to leave me be? “ He snarked, sounding very much like the original goods. He stood up, a little wobbly from not using his legs for the last couple of days, and dusted himself off.

“Yes, I will. I need to evaluate your mental state. “

Shen Qingqiu turned on his heel to snap at the doctor. “ I’m fine! It is unnecessary to ask those questions again. I. Am. Fine. “

Mu Qingfang crossed his arms and held his head; despite his unimpressive height, it felt like he was towering over Shen Qingqiu.

“No, you are not. You woke up puking; no healthy person would do that. “

“ It was simply because... “ Shen Qingqiu snapped his mouth closed, the image of Bingge flashing in his mind. Mu Qingfang's blank face was menacing, despite the lack of emotion. He couldn’t tell him that he had a nightmare of his past disciple. That would just quickly send him to the Xianxia equivalent of grippy sock hell.

“Because? “ Mu Qingfang prompted with a raised eyebrow.

“ Because of nothing! It was probably because, because… UGH NOTHING. “ Shen Qingqiu flicked his robes with a stomp. He had no excuse ready, and that in itself was frustrating him. He now only realized that they were the same robes he had come in, blood all over the front of his robes that he assumed were his. Shen Qingqiu stared at Mu Qingfang, trying to indicate what he needed through his eyes. Mu Qingfang's eyes twitched, but he kept himself from saying anything that might trigger Shen Qingqiu to fly into a rage.

“Your clothes are there, “ He pointed at a table off to the side, “ Please meet me outside. “

He bowed and left the room, glancing back one more time before he closed the door. Shen Qingqiu stared at it for a little longer before he shook his head. Walking to the indicated table, he looked at the robes carefully. It was one of his favorites; the cranes embroidered at the hem reminded him of when his parents would take him to the Poyang Lake Nature Reserve, one of the only places he was allowed to go to on the rare occasions he was outside.

He wonders who picked this out.

Slowly dressing, he questioned why Mu Qingfang was so pushy. When Shen Yuan was in the hospital, the doctors didn't give a shit about him, only caring about the equivalent of what they're paid. He would dare say that Mu Qingfang cared for Shen Qingqiu.

Right… Shen Qingqiu..

He’s an imposter. He cares for Shen Qingqiu. Not Shen Yuan.

Hardly anyone cared about him; the only one who did was the one he threw away. With his robes in order, he put a hand in his sleeve and pulled out a bronze mirror. Trying to keep the immortal look was hard, so he often kept a mirror to make sure his appearance was in shape. Looking at the mirror, he realized in horror that he looked like shit.

His hair was a mess, most likely caused by restless sleep. He had eye bags, and in some places, he could see where his blood was not cleaned on his body. He grabbed a cloth and hastily rubbed it off. How he looked almost made him puke again.

Now deeming himself presentable [ ignoring the fact that Mu Qingfang saw him in his literal worst ], he walked out. In front of him was not only the doctor but Liu Qingge as well. Shen Qingqiu raised an eyebrow. He may have been there when he woke up last, but he found no reason for him to be there again.

“ He is going to accompany you up to Qing Jing. “

“And why is this one not capable of flying on his own? “

The two glanced at each other. They had their only silent conversation as they left Shen Qingqiu in the dark, something that he disliked people doing to him. But he could only stand there awkwardly as he waited for them to finish their conversation. They turned back, and it appeared that Liu Qingge decided to rope him into the conversation.

“ Because you aren’t flying. “ He gruffed.

“ What do you mean I’m not flying? “ Shen Qingqiu narrowed his eyes, challenging the two.

“You won’t be getting Xiu Ya back. “

“ What?! “

Chapter Text

Shen Qingqiu snapped at the two. “ What do you mean, I'm not getting Xiu Ya back?! “

Mu Qingfang moved forward to speak this time, holding his hands out as if he were a frightened animal. “ It was used in self-harm, and for precaution, this doctor will keep it to ensure it is not used again. “

Shen Qingqiu snapped open his fan, praying it would ease his anxiety away. The thought of being away from his prized possession dug up something deep inside of him. “ And? It’s not yours to take! You can't keep me away from my sword! “

He made a sword summoning seal, and to his surprise, Xiu Ya didn't come. He did it again.

And again.

He frantically repeated his movements over and over again. A hand touched his wrist, and he flinched, retreating a few steps until he realized who had touched him. Coughing and a shift to a less incriminating position, he stared menacingly at the doctor, as if challenging him to speak about the movements he had just done.

“ What did you do..? “

“We had talismans set up on Xiu Ya. “ Mu Qingfang looked at him with pity, only making Shen Qingqiu snarl under his fan. Everyone always looked at him with pity, as if he needed to be pitied. He's simply had enough of people seeing him only for his weaknesses. But before he could add more, Mu Qingfang interrupted him — something that he had been doing more often since he had been admitted into Qian Cao.

“ This is for your own good. “

Shen Qingqiu bristled, and he was about to snap, but he quickly composed himself. Figuring that the best way to handle this situation was to channel his inner Peerless Cucumber to get what he wants. Standing tall, he towered over them, trying to be as confident as they.

“This isn't for my own good; you are trying to control me,” He snapped, the venom in his voice obvious, despite how calm he sounded. The others tensed. Liu Qingge even moved his hand to Cheng Luan. “ You are treating me like a child, making me act like I couldn't be near any sharp objects because of one mistake. This is absurd. I am a full-grown adult who is fully capable of taking care of myself. So get off your high horse and give me back my sword! “

“I don't understand your fascination with it being a mistake. “ Mu Qingfang deadpanned. “ I have tried to tell you that this is simply a precaution; this is final and will not be further discussed. Even if you are a full-grown adult, your martial brothers are worried for you, and we would do anything to help you. “

Shen Qingqiu scoffed and narrowed his eyes, but his fan had covered the rest of his face so they couldn't see the wobble of his lip. Did they actually care about him? Impossible. No one did.

Mu Qingfang glanced at Liu Qingge; they both could feel the hostility emanating from Shen Qingqiu. It was an oppressive feeling, and the doctor wanted to end this as soon as possible, but he needed to stand his ground on this facet. And that unfortunately meant that he had to exploit his Shixiong's weakness again. Shen Qingqiu wasn't making this easier for him.

“ Either we keep Xiu Ya, or you're going back to the hospital for more evaluation. “

Shen Qingqiu jumped out of his skin, and damn it, that man was still using his weakness!! Knowing when to pull out a white flag, he turned on his heel with a huff and stalked off, already done with this conversation.  

He heard the two frantically whisper before Liu Qingge stumbled to follow him, very unlike the man. He was already well ahead when he caught up. The war god did nothing besides walk beside him.

Shen Qingqiu was frustrated.

He didn't even consider that he would live after that day, and now he has to deal with this?! No one should care enough to do this; he couldn't deal with whatever happened in the hospital right after that, it's giving him a migraine. He unconsciously rubbed his neck. Liu Qingge saw the movement but said nothing; he was uncertain of this situation as well. Clearly seeing that this wasn't the time to even interact with his shixiong, he attempted to be invisible. Something Shen Qingqiu was grateful for.

As they ascended the mountain after passing the rainbow bridge, he was finally relieved of the overwhelming feeling of anxiety he usually felt while in hospitals. He sighed in respite. Being surrounded by strangers in an enclosed space was something that always scared him, and it didn't get any better once his family abandoned him. Despite the number of times that he was forced to be in a hospital, it had never gotten any easier. And the fact that he got private rooms made it worse, because then he had to deal with another consuming emotion.

His hand twitched in discomfort; he knew he wasn't doing himself justice by thinking these thoughts, but he couldn't help himself. Shen Yuan always felt like a burden whenever he had to go to the hospital. Like he was dragging his parents' reputation in the mud just by being born sick, everyone in the industry would look down on them whenever they mentioned him. Honestly, to make a child think like that was atrocious. Even if he was self-aware, he couldn't help but keep feeling like that! Being treated like you were just extra useless baggage did things to someone, especially a minor! It was said by psychologists that when you're a minor, your brain is still developing, and those types of thoughts would really mess up the development. Is this really relevant to what he was thinking? Not really, but doing research and learning did distract his mind whenever he thought like this.

Being transmigrated into PIDW was a blessing in disguise; the feeling that weighed on his shoulders was no longer, and he could roam free without sickness to burden others. He was pretty happy with living just like everyone else, even if it meant taking up the responsibilities of a peak lord. Hell, he was even glad! Shen Yuan had started using his Peerless Cucumber skills to criticize the way Airplane was writing up these documents. Though there was still Without A Cure, it was worth it for his white lotus, even though he literally wouldn't have died. He just couldn't let him get hurt!! Like… he did during the Immortal Alliance conference.

The impostor is worse than the original goods.

Scrapping that thought, he moved backward. Without A Cure had proved that things were the same as before. That he was still a burden to the others, and now, with his slip-up, they now know his ultimate flaws.

He could tell that Mu Qingfang was losing his patience at the end of their conversation, despite telling him that they were worried. Shen Yuan probably guessed that the reason he was offered to go back was a way for him to comply and make him leave as soon as possible. The modern doctors certainly did that as well because they hated him. They stayed silent, however, because of the amount of money that was shoved in their faces by his parents.

So why was Mu Qingfang pretending to care? Shen Yuan wasn't paying him.

He was also still scared about the time that he was outed by his doctor; everyone in his family knew then that he self-harmed. It was all over when they saw the scars on his wrists. They had promptly told his parents, even when he told them that he didn't want them to. What the fuck happened to patient confidentiality? But oh well, when money is talking, he guessed that no freedom was considered.

Fucking sellouts.

But that was the past, and this was now. There was no reason that he should be dwelling on it; those types of thoughts were just going to hurt him more. So he shut off his brain completely, something he learned from all those nights in the hospital.

The rest of the time, his mind was silent. Only the disgruntled breeze and loud chirps from the birds could be heard as the growth of herbs in Qian Cao quickly turned into the serene bamboo stalks of his Qing Jing.

Soon, the hushed hum of the disciples could be heard, and then his little ducklings were flocking around him, chirping a worried song. Liu Qingge respectfully stood a distance away, allowing the kids to sob around their shizun, clearly not capable of handling any type of human emotion that was not rage.

The first ones front and center were Ming Fang and Ning Yingying, and Shen Qingqiu suddenly remembered that they were the ones to report his attempted suicide.

He felt guilty.

They were young, and no young one should deal with seeing such a thing. Now he felt a little regretful of his actions.

Only a little.

“ Shizun, shizun! I thought- you were- shizun! “ Ming Fang sobbed, hugging him tightly. Ning Yingying, a little more mature than her shixiong, just sniffled and looked at him with worry.

“ We were very worried for Shizun. I couldn't sleep these past two days worrying about your health. “ Shen Qingqiu couldn't admonish her disrespectful language; it wasn't the right time! Even if the teacher in him was itching to correct her. He just sighed and gestured for a hug, which she promptly did. After they got their hugs, Shen Qingqiu said,

“This master is alright, ok? It was a minor slip- up and he would prefer not to talk about it anymore. “ Ning Yingying nodded, but looked like she did want to talk about it some more, so Shen Qingqiu distracted them.

“Did you all do your lessons like I told you to? The hall masters should have had my lesson plans that had been a month in advance, “ He quirked an eyebrow, and they all looked guiltily at him.

“ Shizun, these disciples are sorry, but everyone, even the hall masters–“ Ming fang had to add because he apparently needed to drag them under the bus, “ –were worried about you and couldn't concentrate on their studies!  “

Shen Qingqiu shook his head. Why did they even care for this old man? Maybe for his wisdom or something, he doesn't know; he could barely fathom the fact that his sect siblings would care. It would be odd to give them a punishment for caring for him, but they were behind on their studies! And that won't be tolerated in Qing Jing, no! especially with how hard he worked on those lesson plans! [ he is ignoring the fact that he only did them to distract himself from his guilt. ]. So he would only soften the blow.

“ Everyone, even the hall masters– “ He added pointedly for Ming Fang, “ –will be running 100 laps, whenever they could, and after will sign on a scroll that will be posted in the dining hall when they are done; remember kids, that that scroll will be able detect when you are lying and severe consequences will be issued if you don’t do it by monday or you lie. Now, you go back to your classrooms to restart your lessons and inform your hall masters! Shoo! “

They couldn't deny that they fled like ducklings. He raised an amused smirk as he saw them disappear into the foliage. He loved teaching his disciples, more like he loved giving his knowledge to his students; he preferred it because it made him care about anyone but himself. So he waved them goodbye as they ran. If he had a job in modern life, it would be as a teacher.

Liu Qingge, seeing the place child-free, stepped out of the ‘ hiding ‘ spot where he stood like a statue. Shen Qingqiu nodded in approval and started to guide them to the bamboo house.

Now with no children to distract him, he wrung his fan guard anxiously, fearing visiting the bamboo house. He didn't think that he was prepared to look at the mess he had made. At least the mess he was told he made, he wondered if the stain would forever haunt his floorboards.

He glanced at Liu Qingge, who quickly looked away. Shen Qingqiu raised an eyebrow; he would have teased Liu Qingge for staring at him if he weren't almost mute right now.

Soon, a clearing could be seen, and his peaceful bamboo house was right in the middle. He sighed woefully. Alone time has never seemed so wonderful in this lifetime. He gazed at the grass that rustled with life; it was a small signal that life could move on, no matter the circumstances.

When they reached the door, they looked at each other, and a sudden awkwardness permeated the air.

“ You should- “

“ This Shidi- “

“ Yes. “

“ ok. “

Liu Qingge held out his hand, and Shen QIngqiu's own instinctively went up. The brute often just drops things out of the random, and he's learned to anticipate it every time they meet. Before he could ask what he was doing, he dropped a qiankun bag in his hands.

“ Your disciple's sword. “ He huffed, then Liu Qingge abruptly turned around and stalked off, ending that very short and weird conversation. Shen Qingqiu stood there stunned. He looked at the bag in his hands and back at his Shidis retreating back. Shen Qingqiu shook his head with a small smile, before immediately dropping it and turning around.

He hesitated at the door, wondering if he truly wanted to be here and clean up. But he shook himself off; there's no time to dwell! So after a firm talk, he opened the door more aggressively than he wanted to.

It's not like he can avoid this forever.

To his surprise, his bedroom door was closed. As he looked around, he saw that nothing had changed, but he shouldn't be surprised.  What was he suspecting? Binghe to clean while he was gone?

As he walked to his bedroom, he opened the qiankun bag, and yes, there were Zheng Yang's shards. He saw one with blood. He suspected that it was his due to immortal blood not rubbing off easily unless you have the intent to clean it.

“ Oh? “

He had opened his door, and to his surprise, there was nothing on his floor. He crouched down to inspect the floor. It was like he hadn't bled all over it.

He caressed it with a sigh. He was curious about who had cleaned it.

It was most likely Ming Fan and Ning Yingying. They were the only other ones that had access to the bamboo house. He smiled. He was definitely going to give them gifts when he went down the mountain again.

As a pitiful effort, he tried searching for Xiu Ya, but he felt none of the thrumming energy that came out of it. With a frustrated noise, he sat down on his bed. He hated the fact that they took his child! His baby! It comforted him even with her mere presence! It showed that he could be strong, even if this wasn't his body. Plus, it was utterly humiliating for a cultivator like him to not have a sword. He's going to be the laughing stock of the cultivation world if he had to be a passenger princess with Liu Qingge everywhere! And especially when he has to investigate a demon, he, as an immortal, would look absolutely stupid if he had to let someone else do the work for him!

Without a cure was already dragging his name in the mud even though no one knew but the select few.

Now he was just vulnerable and weak. And that was something that he did not want to feel. It feels like he's back in that hospital again, all alone and exposed to all those wires.

Despite getting massive amounts of sleep the days before, he felt very tired. Maybe that's because he had to talk to people both times he was awake with no refractory period.

This is why he isn't a morning person.

This was why Luo Binghe had always made sure not to talk to him in the morning.

This is why he should stop thinking about his disciple.

This is why he shouldn't be a character haunting his narrative, nope.

He was better than that.

… definitely.

Now that he had delusioned himself enough, he adjusted in his bed. He realized that he hadn't gotten ready for bed, but with a he just shrugged and drifted off into a thankfully dreamless sleep.

Chapter Text

Shen Qingqiu didn't want to wake up in the morning. He complained loudly to no one when he realized that he had to get up. Hell, the birds chirping outside did not give him the sense of happiness that it should. Disney movies were so terribly wrong.

It took him around an incense of time to actually get up. And he was sure salty for doing so, dragging his feet and not even bothering to rub his eyes.

But he had more important things to worry about than wallow in self-regret. Like ignoring his problems and creating new ones for his sect siblings. With that thought in mind, he actually started to prepare for the day.

He chose a set of robes that was mostly white, and if it was green, it was light. He needed to look like he was in mourning. Which he was not by the way, he was still not mourning Luo Binghe because he was not dead. It took a while for Shen Qingqiu to dress, mostly due to the tedious layers, but mostly because he still didn't want to leave his bed.

He did the rest of his routine very slowly, trying very hard to remember the feeling of how Luo Binghe did it. When doing his hair, he had some experience from brushing his baby sister's hair, but the hair oils were not something that they did because his sister preferred not to have them, believing it would not do her hair justice.

When he finished putting them on, it was not perfect. He frowned at the finished product, sighed, and gave up on the whole thing in general. No one could do it as well as Luo Binghe, and now his hair was back to looking as it was when he first transmigrated.

The makeup was better, though; he was a master at hiding his eye bags with makeup from his past life. Shen Yuan was very adamant about his parents not knowing about them, scared that they might send him to a hospital again, given how anything he did could have him sent there. The rest of making himself pretty was perfect; he often had to do makeup on his sister when she wanted to cosplay while he was still living at the house. Or she would come barging into his apartment to beg him to do some complicated xianxia makeup she had no clue how to do.

Shen Yuan's hand gripped the pencil in his hand. He felt tears sting the tips of his eyes. He kept telling himself to calm down and forget about his sister. There was no point in missing her since it had been years since he had last seen her. It was pathetic to cry over spilled milk. Plus, the tears were going to ruin what already took him a while to do. He wondered why he's been such a crybaby lately. He had prided himself on not crying in both lives, and it's as if he can't stop anymore. He scolded himself for becoming weak. He died once, right?

Sucking it up, Shen Qingqiu finished his makeup. Looking into the bronze mirror, he gave himself a nod of approval. He definitely doesn't look like someone who just escaped a loony bin. He sighed in relief. Doing this makeup was very difficult for him. Hell, even lifting his hand was difficult. Motivation to move was all around, something that almost vanished.

Rising from his seat, he got his most favorite fan that was not made or bought by Luo Binghe and opened it with a loud snap in the quiet house. He then reached for the qiankun bag that he had dropped onto his nightstand the night before, but before he could obtain it, he hesitated. Should he be doing this? No, the question was if he deserved to do this. He highly doubted it, but he was a selfish and vile man. So he snatched it before he could convince himself not to go, and ruin his efforts to get ready for the day. Grabbing his metaphorical immortal mask, he put it on to visit Wan Jian Peak. Opening the door, he tried to take in the beauty of Qing Jing, but unfortunately, he was not up for it either. Sighing, he sulked lightly as he walked down his peak.

Many of his disciples turned from their duties to greet him, and he saw a few looking tired from their laps,he gave the night before. It was later in the day, so they were well into their routines as disciples. All without their shizun to guide them, given that he had taken all morning trying to get ready.

He wasn't going to do that ever again.

He waved and smiled back at them the best he could, no less motivated to do social interactions than to get up.

Wan Jian was one of the lower peaks, but he had visited An Ding multiple times without a sweat [ mostly on sword.. Xiu Ya… ] and it was the lowest. He could use the walk anyway; the amount of food that Luo Binghe had made him eat filled out his figure. After thinking that, he cringed.

Shen Qingqiu couldn't help but think those things, even if no one had ever told him that. Well, not directly to his face.

It took a while to finally see the broken trees of the sword peak. He was correct that the walk was good for him. Even if he didn't appreciate it more than he should due to his close call to the heavens, he did love the smell of nature.

When he had approached the cabin that he was told was Wei Qingwei's humble abode, he heard a clicking, smacking noise. He thinks- he's not good with sounds. Curious, he walked behind the cabin, and he saw a welder's setup there. Intrigued, he walked into the heart while gazing at the wonderful swords hanging. The clinks suddenly stopped, and he looked at the place he had heard it last.

There, in the middle of the organized chaos, was a curious Wei Qingwei, his hair as messy and chaotic as the yard around him. When the peak lord realized who was standing there, he exclaimed.

“ Ah! “ Wei qingwei dropped his tools and stumbled to look presentable, “ Shen Shixiong, what a pleasant surprise! “

He quickly gave a bow, and Shen Qingqiu recuperated. When they both rose, Wei Qingwei not so subtly glanced at his neck, which was, luckily, covered by his robes.

So it looks like what happened three days ago has gotten around to everyone in this damn mountain, huh? He tsked internally at the audacity of his sect siblings, to be spreading his private life to everyone, just like he feared.

Awkward silence filled the courtyard, and Shen Qingqiu fidgeted slightly. Why does this happen with everyone he comes across?! He wasn't a spooked animal!

Disregarding his shidi’s rudeness, he pulled out the qiankun bag and held it out to him. Wei Qingwei blinked owlishly at the bag, waiting for him to speak.

“ This master was wondering.. Could you restore this sword? It's a little… broken, “ He squeaked the last part, knowing full well that this wasn't at all a little broken. But how was he supposed to describe a sword that was shattered into a million pieces lightly?

Wei Qingwei grabbed the bag and opened it. He very obviously grimaced. And Shen Qingqiu felt a twang of guilt.

“ This was a mistake, I'm sorry, “

He extended his hands to try and take the bag, but Wei Qingwei pulled it towards his body, out of reach. Shen Qingqiu looked up at him in surprise. Wei Qingwei looked squeamish.

“ Wei shidi, I regret coming to you. You don't have to do this. “

Wei Qingwei shook his head aggressively and held the bag protectively with wide eyes.

“It's alright, Shen Shixiong! If you want it done, then this shidi will! I will ensure that Zheng Yang will look as if it were never broken. “

Before Shen Qingqiu could question him, he turned his back, ending the conversation. His hands hung in the air in uncertainty, wondering what the hell happened. What was Wei Qingwei thinking? Why did he react that way?

He bit his lip. Instead of trying to decipher his Shidi, he should just leave it be; the less he knows, the less he has to worry.

“ Then.. Thank you, Wei Shidi. “ He bowed, despite the other not seeing, and went to leave.

Wei Qingwei glanced over his shoulder curiously at his Shen Shxiong.

Despite his best effort to look normal, his martial brother did not carry the same immortal confidence he had when he last saw him a couple of weeks ago. It was like he was very tired. And Wei Qingwei had heard from Qi Qingqi, who heard it from Yue Qingyuan, what had happened to him a couple of days ago.

He did not expect to be visited by him, and he had messed up their greeting! Wei Qingwei has never been to Shen Qingqiu's peak, and he has never been to his for anything besides professional, so it spooked him!

When Shen Qingqiu presented the broken shards to him, he couldn't help but feel sadness for him. He immediately recognized it as Zheng Yang, the sword of the head disciple of Qing Jing. Shen QIngqiu was mourning his prize disciple, and was even in almost white robes! So when he reached out, the big brother in him had the urge to pull it back, knowing he was going to try to take back trying to ask for help even before he said it.

Wei Qingwei didn't know how to make a sword look like it was never broken, but he sure as hell was going to try.

And now, pushing aside the sword he was working on, he prepared to give it his all.

—

Shen Qingqiu was not fine during those days when Zheng Yang was being restored. But when Wei Qingwei had proudly presented the sword in perfect condition, like he promised, Shen Qingqiu opted to isolate himself in the bamboo house or outside, where he had made a very sad-looking grave, now that he had no reason to go outside. Ming Fang and Ning Yingying now check on him almost hourly due to his sect siblings' orders and their own worry. But he was alive every time, so they couldn't do much, and he had refused any food that they gave him.

He ended up in his head most days, and the voices were loud, so loud, and he tried to destroy things to relieve that pressure. It didn't work, so that just made him more frustrated. He couldn't take it anymore, but he had nothing left; the knives in the kitchen were taken from him very discreetly by his disciples. And there wasn't anything sharp enough in the house to do any harm.

Ming Fang and Ning Yingying could tell that he wasn't doing any better than he was before the incident, and unbeknownst to him, had begged the peak leader to check up on him, with only the words of worry.

Now, it placed Yue Qingyaun at Qing Jing Peak, looking at the entrance of the bamboo house. He hesitated for a second, knowing that his Xiao Jiu hated when he was there. But, he kept reminding himself that Xiao Jiu was different, nicer, and more welcoming, despite his sadness about the fact that he acted like an entirely different person. Given the courage to knock, he did so lightly.

No answer.

He did it this time, but louder.

Still no answer.

Yue Qingyuan remembered the Qing Jing disciples told him they had left the door unlocked and open for him, and that Shen Qingqiu was most likely not going to answer. Despite already knowing, he had hoped that he would for Yue Qingyuan, given their history together.

Going inside without permission was an invasion of Xiao Jiu's privacy! But he needed to make sure that he was ok! Both sides of a spiritual stone were making this difficult, but this concerned Xiao Jiu's health! If he was scolded, then it's alright because this was for Shen Qingqiu's own good.

When he finally convinced himself to open the door, he was greeted with a mess. He looked around and saw papers and ink bottles scattered across the floor, some chairs and tables overturned, and books everywhere. Picking one up, he cringed and put it back down; despite what the cover said, that was not one of the Daoist teachings.

He looked room to room to find his martial brother, but nothing in the main and kitchen. To his surprise, the little side room and the bamboo privacy screen for it were still intact. It was as if he didn't even acknowledge this room at all.

After double-backing to his bedroom, he spotted that the door to the back courtyard was open. Repremanding himself for not seeing it in the first place, he passed through.

The courtyard's flowers were untended and wilting; at the end, a kind of grave was made. There, sitting in front, was Shen Qingqiu. But he wasn't moving. It didn't even look like he was breathing.

Alarmed, Yue Qingyuan rushed to his side and shook him, quickly checking his meridians. The indication that he was alive was when Shen Qigqiu smacked his hand out of his, and looking up, Shen Qingqiu had a scowl on his face.

“What do you think you're doing, Zangmen-shixiong? “Yue Qingyuan quickly retreated, looking apologetic.

“I'm sorry, Xiao Jiu, I was worri- “

“Shut up. I'm not dead and I won't be soon. “

A little shocked by the brazen attitude, Yue Qingyuan had to refrain from saying that he looked closer to being dead than living when he finally got a good look at his face. Shen Qingqiu looked like a disaster, from the eye bags under his eyes, to the mess he called hair. He was deathly pale, and even though it had been a week since he had last seen him, he looked like he was skinnier.

“Stop treating me like glass, I can see it in your face, you know. “Shen Qingqiu rolled his eyes, “I'm not some damsel in distress. “

Even if he didn't know what that phrase meant, he could figure it out through context clues.

Yue Qingyuan was about to apologize again, but Shen Qingqiu held up his hand, stopping him.

“I don't want to hear it. “

Shen Qingqiu got up, albeit a little wobbly, and moved towards the bamboo house without inviting Yue Qingyuan. But he still followed anyway, like a lost puppy. Shen Qingqiu glided across the floor and sat down at the table, which was surprisingly still standing. He sipped on painfully obvious cold tea. Yue Qingyuan sat across from him with a strained smile.  

Shen Qingqiu's face twitched when the cold tea reached his throat, but he couldn't do anything but suck it up, seeing as he had already committed to this cover-up.

When he set the tea cup down, he pushed it as far away as possible without attracting the notice of Yue Qingyuan, who stared at him with a strange smile. As if he was forcing himself to try not to look at someplace else.

Shen Qingqiu's eyes narrowed in suspicion, but before he could address his odd behavior, he had to ask more important questions. Like, why the fuck was the sect leader doing here?

“ May this master ask why Zangmen-shixiong is here? Do tell me, was it because of Ming Fan and Ning Yingying? “

Yue Qingyuan cringed, exposing them all. Shen Qingqiu let out a frustrated sigh.

“Right, now you can go on your merry way, now that you have found out that I am okay. “

Yue Qingyuan didn't want to push, but he needed to address the fatal flaw in Shen Qingqiu's logic.

“You're not okay. That's obvious, even for me. “

Shen Qingqiu looked at him in surprise. Yue Qingyuan has never had the balls to talk back to him.

Now that he was momentarily stunned, Yue Qingyuan took that to his advantage, another thing he doesn't do.

“This Shixiong was wondering if you were ok with going to see Mu Qingfang for.. Sessions where you confided in him about your feelings. “

Shen Qingqiu needed a moment to process those words.

Was he... Asking him to go to the xianxia equivalent to therapy?!

“ No. “

Shen Qingqiu’s answer was automatic, for the last time he went to therapy, it had ended badly. They had forced him to tell his psychologist to prescribe him a bunch of meds, and he felt so out of it and woozy every time he was forced to take them. Eventually, when he was on his own, he threw them all out. He couldn't even tell his therapist because not only was he a fucking asshole in general, but he was paid so much money by his parents that he told them everything they told him.

Again.

Fuck patient confidentiality.

Soon enough, when they stopped calling, he dropped therapy. It wasn't like they gave a fuck about him anymore, and as he predicted, they didn't say anything.

So he tensed and recoiled when Yue Qinyuan mentioned it.

But Yue Qingyuan decided to have steel balls at the wrong time because he doubled down in his annoyingly sweet way.

“ Shen Shixiong, this is for your own good. If you talk about your feelings, then maybe we can understand and help you, “ He begged. “ Your marital siblings just want the best for you and your health. This, this is not healthy, and is hurting you. “

He had gestured to the mess around them. And Shen Qingqiu doubled down as well, practically hissing his words.

“ I'm not going to go along with your game! That's not going to fool me this time! I will never trust that you won't tell everyone in my family about my deepest, darkest secrets again. “

Currently, his two lives were being muddled together; Shen Qingqiu didn't even know where he was. The stress of everything is getting to him, and that was going to be bad for his face.

To Yue Qingyuan, he was confused. Since when had Xiao Jiu done this, consoling with Mu Qingfang? He had been avoiding the Qiang Cao Peak for medical reasons ever since he came to the peak. So he doesn't believe he would do that.

Shen Yuan could see the flashes of the memories of therapy, how his parents had screamed at him when the traitor had told them about everything. Yelling at him that his thoughts were wrong and that he shouldn't be thinking that. As if he could make those whispers stop.

And now he is being told that he has to go through the same thing.

“I- um. Xiao Jiu, what do you mean? You have already done that with Mu Qingfang? “Yue Qingyuan looked hurt, and Shen Qingqiu didn't understand why he had that face.

He didn't understand, he didn't understand anything.

“I'm not your Xiao Jiu! And no, I haven't, I don't know what you're talking about. “ He scowled, wringing his hands and frantically looking around, suddenly feeling suffocated by the walls.

Yue Qingyuan looked at him with that worried look that he usually had whenever he looked at his Xiao Jiu. A look only reserved for Shen Jiu. And not Shen Yuan. Yue Qingyuan reached out to hold his hands, and Shen Qingqiu flinched; the hands stilled on top of his own. He was heaving heavily as he stared at Yue Qingyuan with wide eyes.

“ Then will you trust your words to me? I worry for you, Xiao Jiu.. I only want us to be like when we were children. “

Shen Yuan couldn't take it anymore.

He stood up abruptly, the force knocking Yue Qingyuan back.

“ FOR THE LAST TIME. I’M NOT YOUR XIAO JIU. “

Shen Qingqiu kicked the table, knocking and cracking it against the wall. Angry tears fell down his face as he marched towards his bedroom. Opening the door, he turned his head back to glare straight at Yue Qingyuan.

“ GET. OUT. “

He slammed the door closed, leaving Yue Qingyuan stunned on the floor.

He slowly picked himself up and looked guiltily back at the shut door. He left as he was told, making sure to close the front door, shielding the outside world from Shen Qingqiu's mess.

Shen Qingqiu collapsed onto his bed, and a choked sob could be heard from him. He grabbed his custom-made fluff pillow and shoved his face into it, trying to suffocate himself.

Shen Yuan's mind tortured him with images of his past life, with all those times he was forced to talk about his emotions in therapy.

Why must he live like this again?