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Chapter Text

Harry, Ron - 17:20 pm, 5th June Monday

Harry

Pint tonight?

Ron

Ok

Actually no

Harry

? 

Ron

Gotta get home. Hermione's coming over 

Harry

Oh cool!

I'll join u 

Ron

Uh she has some boring office work to do. It'll be boring

Harry

That's ok! We can play chess while she works. Maybe I can crash the night? I'll make all of us breakfast tmrw

Ron

um 

you'll be bored mate

Harry

No I won't

Ron

We're going to have sex

Lots of it. If you crash the night you'll hear the headboard banging. Loud moaning is also on the plate

Harry

Ew gross 

Ron

You asked

Seriously though Harry

We had a pint yesterday and the day before

Every day of the week in fact

Harry

Wow 

Ron

And each time you didn't want to leave till the bar closed

Harry

Are u calling me an alcoholic?

Ron

Are you?

Harry

No!

Ron

What's going on? 

Harry

So Malfoy

Ron

Fucks sake

I knew it

Let me guess

You think he's up to something 

Harry

Why would I avoid him if I thought he was up to something??

He's been the perfect flatmate actually 

Tidy. Doesn’t invite anyone over. Doesn’t make a lot of noise at odd times. Keeps to himself. Pays the rent on time.

Ron

Huh

Doesn't sound like him       

Sounds like the probation order is keeping him in check        

What is it then? 

Harry

It's stupid      

And embarrassing 

Ron

Yeah I thought as much lol        

He tends to have that effect on you

Harry

What's that supposed to mean?

Ron

Nothing        

Go on then        

Tell me why you're avoiding going home

Harry

He caught me doing something weird and now it’s gotten weirder         

I’m gonna have to obliviate one or even both of us

Ron

Did he walk in on you wanking in the shower?

Harry

NO!

Ron

The other way round then?

Harry

Fucks sake! There was no wanking!!!     

Would have been less weird if there were tho

Ron

What's more weird than catching a bloke mid wank?

Harry

He ordered himself a pizza

Ron

Can't picture Malfoy eating muggle food 

Harry

You know his probation terms say he has to work a muggle job

I've seen him eat a burger too

With a knife and fork

Ron

Obviously 😂 

Harry

So the pizza. He ate most of it. Didn't offer me any even though I was right there! Then he just casually chucked the rest in the bin

Ron

wtf

Harry

Ikr! Wasn’t even bad pizza. Smelled amazing

So he threw it in the bin and went back to his bedroom 

Thought I’d take a look. I opened the bin and pulled out the box and there were a couple of slices in there 

They looked fine. Better than fine really. Still hot and smelled good 

Ron

pls tell me this isn't going where I think it's going 

Harry

So I started eating them 

Quickly

Ron

Mate. No!

Harry

What? They were in the box! 

No contact with other rubbish. Wasn't even much rubbish in there.            

You know u would have done the same thing.

Ron

Normally. But not Malfoy’s leftovers 

I've got standards 

Harry

Anyway I didn’t hear him come out of his bedroom.

Ron

Mate 🙈

Harry

I looked up and he was just standing there staring at me while I was scarfing down his discarded pizza. 

Ron

Mate 😭

Harry

I know! It was sooo awkward. I panicked and swallowed this big bite. And I couldn’t think of what to say so I just asked him if he was okay.

Ron

Stop 😂

Harry

He just sort of nodded and beelined it back to his room. 

And then I finished the other slice because what was even the point of stopping then. 

Ron

Wow

I'm dying of second hand embarrassment here 

Harry

I'm just gonna go obliviate myself then

Or better still I'll obliviate Malfoy

Ron

No listen

Don't be embarrassed

Harry

Ha!

Ron

No seriously. Malfoy is the one who should be embarrassed

What sort of a fucking psychopath orders pizza and eats it in front of his roommate without even offering a slice? That’s beyond rude

Harry

I KNOW!! RIGHT??

Ron

Yeah. And asking him if HE was ok?

Total power move on your part

Sent him scampering back to his room didn't you 

Harry

Thanks mate

I feel better

I'm gonna go home and be normal 

Ron

Good on ya mate

Do that. Show the ferret who's boss 

Try not to eat any more of his leftovers from the bin 

Harry

fuck you 🖕🏽

Ron

😆 

Blaise, Draco - 10:30 am 6th June Tuesday 

Blaise

I don't understand why we can't owl

This device feels evil

Draco

Stop being a drama queen

You know I don't have access to owls

And I can't venture into wizarding areas for a year. Stupid probation.

So unless you're coming to muggle London 

Blaise

Yeah no that's not happening 

Don't wanna catch anything 

Draco

That's idiotic. Do you think I've caught something 

Blaise

I guess we'll know a year from now

Draco

That wasn't a question. It was commentary on your idiocy

Blaise

Just borrow Potter’s owl

Hello?

You there?

Draco

I'm not borrowing Potter’s owl. He's weird

Blaise

What? does he peck you or something?

Draco

Not the owl

Potter

Blaise

Potter pecks you???

Draco

Now you're just being obtuse on purpose

No Blaise Potter does not 'peck' me 🙄But he is mental. Even more feral than we previously thought. 

Blaise

Don't call the chosen one names

He’s the same status as Merlin now

You better be sucking up to him

Though I guess you'd prefer to suck him 

Draco

Fuck off

No I won't 

Especially after what I've seen lately 

Blaise

Fine I'll bite

What did you see?

Draco

I ordered a Pizza for myself

Blaise

Ooh muggle food

I've never had one

Is it nasty?

Draco

Why would I order food that's nasty???

It's delicious.

Pre-cut into slices though. Imagine getting served food that's been carved into bites. Muggles are such toddlers.

Blaise

Barbaric. 

I've seen them eat it properly with a fork and knife in Italy though.

British muggles worse than Italian muggles you think?

Draco

Stop         

You'll get me in trouble 

Anyway I ate most of it. A little was leftover and I threw it in the dustbin.

I went to my bedroom and when I came back Potter had dug it out of the bin and was going at it like a feral seagull

Blaise

Your leftovers???

Draco

Yes!!!!!

Blaise

Why??? 

I heard rumours he wasn't right in the head. Some connection with Voldemort 

Draco

That's old news. They're no longer connected 

But even if they were why would Voldemort make him eat out of a bin

Blaise

Petty revenge?

Draco

No but seriously 

He has money. Lots of it. He can get his own food.

Blaise

Do you think he was expecting you to share?

Draco

Why would he?

I ordered one pizza. One

Imagine you're eating a plate of smoked salmon or roast beef and a couple of bites are leftover. Would you offer it to your flatmate??? That's fucking rude! I did the polite thing and threw it

Blaise

Who knows what Gryffindors do. Maybe they all eat from each other's plates

Draco

Erghh Well I'm not going to drop to their standards. Or lack of

So Potter is eating my rubbish like a half-starved crup and I’m standing there just staring at him.

And he looks at me mid-swallow. His cheeks stuffed like a squirrel ferreting away nuts for the winter.

Blaise

hahahaha you'd love that wouldn't you? Potter stuffing his mouth with (your) nuts.

Draco

Wtf what's wrong with you Zabini? You need a filter

Anyhow. He swallows (don't you dare)

And then he asks me if I'm okay

Me!!! He asks ME if I am ok? Like Potter, are YOU ok because wtf!

Blaise

What did you say?

Draco

Nothing! It was so awkward. I just nodded and went back to my bedroom.

Blaise

Ha hahahaha

This is hilarious. Bet I can sell this story to the Prophet for a good price.

Draco

BLAISE! DON’T YOU DARE!!!! 

SWEAR TO ME YOU WON'T!!!!!!!! 

Blaise

Stop shouting 

I was just joking

Draco

SWEAR YOU WON'T 

Blaise

I won't. I swear. No need to get your panties in a bunch

You know what I think though? The answer to Potter's weird behaviour?

Draco

What?

Blaise

It's the same as the answer to most of life's mysteries

Sex

Draco

Explain

Blaise

Potter obviously has a degradation kink.

Draco

What? 

That's preposterous 

Blaise

Is it?

Think about it. You're a good looking bloke. 

He's recently come out. You've recently come out. And now you're living in the same house. Him eating your food out of the bin is the equivalent of a bird of paradise’s mating dance.

Draco

No it isn't. Stop fucking with my head.

Blaise

Then why did he ask if you were okay?

Draco

Because he's an imbecile?

Blaise

He obviously meant ‘are you okay with this’? ‘This’ being your passive participation in his degradation kink

Asking if you're okay doesn't make sense otherwise 

Do you need more convincing?

Draco

I

Blaise

He's the saviour of the wizarding world

Everyone is putting him on a pedestal

Can you imagine what his dating scene is like? Men and women willing to sacrifice their generational wealth just to have him step on their face. Drooling suitors acting like they've won the lottery if he so much as smiles at them 

He MUST be craving the opposite behaviour. Bet he's so sick of the sycophancy he just wants to be degraded. The fact that you didn't kneel down and offer him your hard earned meal probably made him hard

He wants to be spat on 

Draco

Ok stop. You've made your point.

But even if you were right (I don't think you are), I'm not just going to ask him.

Blaise

Obviously. We're not Gryffindors

You have to test the hypothesis before we treat it as theory

Draco

How?

Blaise

Don't know. You figure it out. You've been eye fucking Potter for years now. I'm sure you have ideas.

Draco

I haven't!!!!!!! 

Blaise

Yeah sure. Whatever you want to tell yourself

Chapter Text

Draco, Blaise - 11:30 am, 9th June, Friday 

Draco

You were right

Blaise

I always am

About time you recognised my superior intellect

What's this about by the way?

Draco

Potter’s degradation kink

Blaise

What?

Draco

The pizza incident

You told me to test the theory. How can you forget?

Blaise

Anddd you did?

Draco

Obviously. What's wrong with you

You're the opposite of a superior intellect. You're incredibly slow. Keep up Zabini

Blaise

I'm not incredibly slow. I'm incredibly generous towards my friends and never just assume that they would jump off the deep end and do something insanely stupid

I was joking!!!!!

What do you mean you tested the theory???? Draco, tell me you did not assault Potter!!!!

If so, I would like to take this opportunity to proclaim my innocence to any authority that may in future be examining this correspondence for evidence. The fact that you took my joke as advice does not make me culpable to whatever crime you've committed against the chosen one

Draco

Stop being a part

You didn't mean it? Your “theory”?

Blaise

I guess I sort of meant it

Didn't mean for you to do anything about it though. He's got so much clout. One word from him and you'd end up in Azkaban. Stop thinking with your dick

Draco

I didn't jump him in the shower. Stop being twitchy

I was subtle

Blaise

Has anyone ever told you you're incredibly unsubtle for a Slytherin 

What did you do?

Don't make me regret asking

Draco

So every morning I go for a run. I run fast and work up a good sweat

Day before yesterday Potter was preparing breakfast when I walked back in.

I started making a big show about being drenched in sweat. Made special mention of sweat in the crotch area and drenched balls.

Blaise 

I wish we could have gotten through this conversation without the words ‘drenched balls’ coming up.

How do I unsee these words?

And how on earth did you work that into a conversation with Potter????

Draco

Fanned myself, sniffed my shirt and made a face.

“My shirt stinks so bad. Can't imagine the state of my pants right now. Ugh don't you just hate it when your balls get soaked in sweat” etc

Made it sound very normal 

Blaise

Yeah. That sounds … totally normal

Draco

Then I took off my sweat soaked stinky clothes and left them in a pile by my bedroom door.

Left the door open and went for a shower.

By the time I came back they were gone!

Blaise

!!!!!

Draco

I know!

They reappeared on my bed late evening, freshly laundered. All evidence washed off

Blaise 

Do you think he …

Draco

Wrapped my dirty pants around his cock and masturbated? Perhaps.

Though I like to think he spread it over his face and breathed in the musk, suffocated on it while he fingered his arse.

Blaise

Just ‘masturbated with my pants’ would have sufficed.

Didn't have to give me trauma.

Draco

Then yesterday I was eating maltesers.

Blaise

What's that?

Draco

Muggle candy. Small chocolatey balls.

I got Potter to catch them with his mouth. Like a dog.

He even woofed each time he caught one. I didn't have to tell him to do it

Blaise

I … don't know what to say. This is bizarre.

Draco

He was one step away from dropping his pants and humping my leg like a bitch in heat.

Blaise

Down boy 

You get really crass when you're excited.

Draco

It's intoxicating

That someone like Potter ..

I'm gonna make a move

Should I make a move?

What if he doesn't want me???

Blaise

Safe to say he wants you if he's been stealing your dirty underwear 

Shoot your shot mate

Just spare me the dirty details

Draco

Don't play coy Zabini

You live for the dirty details 

Harry, Ron - 21:30 pm, 9th June Friday 

Ron

You're coming to pub night Saturday evening right?

Been almost a week

Robards still having you work recon at odd hours?

Harry

That's done with. For now

Desk work is worse

I'm free though

Ron

Malfoy situation resolved?

Ferret’s not hounding you out of your own home anymore?

Harry

Yeah we're alright.

He's not so bad once you get to know him.

We've been having breakfast together. He reads the Prophet and makes fun of everyone in the news reports. Does funny voices too. Bit mean but fun when it's not directed at you 

Like nice to have your day start with laughter

Ron

Wow you sound like an old married couple

I'm cringing

Nah but seriously. You've barely seen me all week. Is he your new best friend??? Should I be jealous?

Harry

No! I mean it's Malfoy

Still an entitled prat

And prideful as fuck. He won't admit to any weaknesses but will just press on the matter in a round about way to get me to do stuff for him

Ron 

That's Slytherins for you

Harry

Like he's scared of the washing machine

I showed him how to use it. But he's still skittish around it as fuck

Doesn't admit it though. Just runs over from his room when he hears me put in my laundry

“Oh Potter. I was just about to do mine. Would you mind terribly if I stuff mine with yours?”

And then obviously I have to offer to do his

One time I said oh can you do mine too. And he went paler than moaning myrtle. I felt so bad for him I ended up doing it

Ron

😂

You're too soft

Harry

I mean it's not much bother

Almost entertaining to see him squiggle up ways to get me to do his laundry

Day before he comes in from his jog all sweaty like. And moans for a good ten mins about how his clothes stink

And then to top it up he moans about how much his pants stink?!! Scared I'd leave them out and he'd be stranded with dirty underpants

Ron

Wtf you shouldn't have to do his pants

He can do his own dirty underwear 

Harry

I didn't offer

He just left them on the floor for me to pick up 

Like I said, entitled 

I didn't want the whole house to stink so I threw them in with the laundry

Ron

What a git! I'd throw HIM in the washing machine

Harry

He's not all bad. Can be fun to hang out with 

Yesterday evening I got him to play the woof game

Ron

What in Merlin’s name is that?

Harry

You don't remember?

Everyone used to play it in the common room. You'd catch sweets in your mouth and woof when you do. If you don't call it with a woof you lose a point

Ron

Oh yeah haha

Hermione used to hate that game

She almost killed Seamus that one time he toppled her ink and quill

Harry

You remember that? Seamus was woofing after just having knocked over her ink bottle and she threw Hogwarts a history at his head and he dropped like a sack of potatoes 😂

Ron

We were so dumb 😆 

Can't believe you got Malfoy to play Don't think the Slytherins ever fooled around for fun. Probably just sat around the fire sipping firewhiskey and boasing about how many political connections their dads had 

Harry

He threw a malteser at me and I instinctively caught it in my mouth and woofed. He thought it was so funny. Almost fell over laughing 

It was surreal to see him so free and giddy with laughter. So I just did it again and again

He refused to catch tho

Said he was a thrower not a catcher

Ron

Ugh so he can't stop being a git even while having fun

Harry

Yeah. I don't mind tho

We've got friends who are gits

Seamus is a git

Ron

Yeah true

Percy as well

Harry 

Yeah well we're not friends with HIM 

Ron

No. We should introduce Perce to Malfoy. They can be gits together. I can imagine them bonding over political connections. 

They'd get off on office intrigue. 

Maybe they can be boyfriends. We'd create a monster 🤣

Harry

I don't see that

I don't think Percey is Malfoy’s type

Ron

Sorry. Forgot I was talking to you

Harry 

What's that supposed to mean?

Ron

Nothing

So you coming to pub night right? All our crowd will be there

Harry

Can Malfoy come? He's lonely. Just mopes around on weekends. His friends are abroad.

Ron

Ugh we'll have to change plans. Meet at a muggle pub. He’s not allowed in wizarding areas right?

Harry

Yeah but I don't think anyone will have a problem? We've been to that one in Charing cross and everyone liked it

Ron

Fine. I'll ask the others

If he’s a git to Hermione though, I'll punch him in his pointy face and knock his ferrety teeth out 

Harry

He won't. I guarantee it. He's so different now. 

Chapter Text

Neville, Ron - 9:00 am, 12th June, Monday

Ron

You're coming to our housewarming party right? 

Just a heads up. Don't use the lift. That's the metal cage-like thing that brings you up and down. It gets stuck sometimes

I got a proper scare yesterday 

Neville

I know what a lift is

Is Malfoy coming? To your party?

Ron

Is that a problem?

He's friends with Harry now. Weird I know

Also got along well with Hermione (more weird). They were talking about some boring research stuff and now she really wants him to come so that they can spend the party discussing arithmantic proofs or whatever 🙄 

Did Malfoy do or say something to you at pub night? Harry swears he's changed and it did seem like it. But you need to tell us if he's still going around being an arse 

Neville

No. He's fine

Apologised to me even

But you should know I'm never again setting foot in any place where Harry and Malfoy are present together 

Ron

Do I even want to know?

Neville

Regardless I'm telling you

At pub night I went to the loo while everyone was getting second rounds. There was a muggle repelling charm at the door which yeah I should have taken that as a warning but I really needed to go

I was washing my hands when I heard voices from the corner cubicle

Ron 

I don't like where this is going

Neville

Now I wasn't trying to listen in and I was almost out of the door when I heard a smack and a moan

Specifically a moan that sounded like Harry. In pain 

Ron

Ok you can stop right there I don't want to hear it 😭

Neville

Mate I think it's unfair that I should suffer alone 

Esp since he's YOUR best friend

So I heard another voice. Malfoy. Panting. 

“You're a filthy nasty boy, aren't you?” he was saying, followed by what I am now sure was the sound of a spank

Ron 

What will it take for you to stop? 😭 I'll give you all my money. Sign over my first born

Neville 

Lucky for you I'm not a pervert and didn't stay to hear the rest but I am traumatised nevertheless.

Ron

And now I am too 😒

Neville

I do consider myself sex positive and all that but why couldn't Harry be the one smacking Malfoy around??

Gryffindor pride and all that

Ron 

Can't believe I'm defending Harry but

The dick wants what it wants

Neville

True I guess

Ron

Look Nev

As entertaining (traumatic) as this is, could you not tell anyone? This has the potential to blow

Neville

You don't have to worry about me being a gossip about it. I wouldn't do that to Harry. You're you though and Harry did famously say “There are no secrets between Ron and me” 

Ron

😮‍💨😮‍💨

Neville

😂😂

Lets just agree to delete this conversation after and act like it was all a bad dream

Ron

I'm in denial already

Look I'll talk to Harry. He'll behave himself at the party. So you're coming right? There'll be pizza and beer

Neville

See you there

Draco, Blaise - 18:10 pm, 14th June, Wednesday 

Draco

I hate you

Blaise 

Aww my little Maltosser but I adore you

Draco

Not funny Blaise

You always get me to make a fool of myself

Blaise

Now why would you say things that invite a mocking repartee 

Is this about Potter?

Draco

Who else? 

I attended Weasley and Granger’s housewarming party yesterday 

Blaise

Is that a joke? I can't tell

Draco

I'M the joke thanks to you 😒

Blaise

What's that yellow face thing? How did you do that?? 

Draco 

It's a … I forgot the word for it 

It's a feature of the text part. Look, you have a phone, you figure it out 

Blaise

I try to touch this thing as little as possible

Draco 

🙄

Would you stop acting like an easily distracted puppy and get back on the agenda

Blaise

The agenda of…?

Draco

Potter and I

Blaise 

Of course

Draco

😑

I went to Granger's party. The menu was pizza and beer 

Blaise

How very pleb of them 

Draco

Pizzas are generally big and they don't fit on a normal sized plate so I conjured a bigger plate, transferred one pizza on it, found myself a comfortable armchair in the corner and started eating 

And that idiot Gryffindor friend of theirs, he looks at me and goes “look how hungry he is” and they all start laughing 

AT ME!!!!!

Everyone else was sharing. It was not one pizza per person!!!!

Blaise 

Who do you mean by idiot Gryffindor? That could literally mean any one of them

Draco

Blaise!! Focus! 

Seamus Finnigan is not the point of this conversation. 

It's that pizza is meant for sharing. It's like tapas. Nobody told me that!

Blaise

Hahahahaha

Funny but I don't see how I'm responsible for your ignorance about muggle eating habits

Draco

You said it meant Potter got off on being degraded!!!!

Blaise

I only juxtaposed upon YOUR conjecture on pizza eating to come to the next logical conclusion 

Draco 

Only you would call a degradation kink the next logical conclusion 

I came on to him!!!! Instead of playing it cool like I would have otherwise

Blaise

Alright so you came on to him and he rejected you? And now you're embarrassed?

That's easily fixed. Just tell him it was some stupid dare between your friends and you. 

Look, I'll even do you a favour. I see Potter in the Ministry sometimes. I'll apologise to him and say that the bet was my idea and that I didn't think you would actually go for it. 

Draco

No need for that

Blaise

It's really no trouble

Draco

NO!!! BLAISE DO NOT DO THAT!!!!!

Blaise

Why not? 

Draco

Because

It's all forgotten. Lets not dig up old ghosts

Blaise

It's hardly been a week

And you live with the guy. Let me make it less awkward for you. 

It's the least I can do after all I'm the one responsible for putting the idea in your head

Draco

That's ok. I forgive you

Don't say anything to Potter

Blaise

I will

Draco

Don't! 

We've been sleeping together. 

Happy???

Blaise

Ha!!! 

I knew it! I fucking knew it!

So you got what you wanted and you're still whining about it

Draco

I'm not whining

And it is still embarrassing

That he thinks I'm some sort of brute who just came on strong

Blaise

So he didn't just spread his legs for you like a good little slut

Draco

Don't talk about him like that

I'm serious 

Blaise

Wow you were the one saying much worse in our last conversation 

Don't tell me you have … feelings for Potter

Draco

I don't know. It's early days. I don't know if we're just sleeping or going out or something else

Blaise

Oh Merlin

You do have feelings for him

Not that it's a surprise 

Draco

I need you to sign a non disclosure agreement about how this came about 

Blaise

Piss off you wanker

Don't whine about your blessings 

Draco

I'm not

Blaise

Can't wait to convince you that Potter stealing food from your plate means he is waiting for a marriage proposal 

Draco

🖕🏻