Archive of Our Own ^beta

Sanji's long fingers tapped on the cold countertops of the galley. he resisted the urge to light one of his cigarettes in the enclosed space. you didn't like the smell of them after all.

you and who was left of the crew had finally retrieved Sanji from Whole Cake Island, from the grips of Big Mom and the Vinsmokes. Sanji felt an immense gratitude for still being accepted back on the Thousand Sunny; Luffy and the others even greeted him back with welcome arms. despite that, the warmth extended to him stopped at you.

Sanji thought back to when he parted ways with you at Green Bit. your desperate plea for him to be safe, to be careful, and you'd make your way back to him. he kissed you gently and gave you his word.

what you didn't expect was for Sanji to not be waiting for you on the other side. you landed at Zou excited to see the rest of your crew, more specifically, to see him. instead, Nami had to painfully tell you that he had left Zou, and the reason left your mind reeling, confused and heartbroken.

since he left the shackles of his family, Sanji hasn't had the chance to speak to you alone. at least, until now. you stood up to leave the dinner table before Sanji slid a freshly made dessert to you—your favorite.

"stay?" he asked gently. before Luffy could complain that he wants dessert too, Nami dragged him out by the ear and gestured to Brook, Chopper, and Carrot to also take their leave.

with the door shutting behind them, the only thing left in the room is you, Sanji, and the heavy tension between you. the waves are hitting the side of the Thousand Sunny, making the room sway gently. you lay your eyes on the dessert in front of you, still standing.

Sanji gulps down the heavy guilt that's sitting in his throat. god, he wishes he could smoke the whole pack in his pocket right now. there's only the table between the two of you, but Sanji feels as if he's miles apart from you. honestly, he might as well be.

finally, you speak, "i'm not hungry." you push the plate towards him gently, but firmly. you turn to leave and Sanji blurts out, "can we please talk?" he knows he sounds more desperate than he intended to, but he'll do anything.

"what is there to talk about? i'm glad you're back and dinner was delicious, but— this is— i don't—," you take a deep breath to gather your words. "i understand why you did it, i really do, but it hurt. you hurt me."

Sanji's eyes flit to the floor and he bites the inside of his cheek. you cross your arms, putting more distance between you as he processes your words.

"darling, i had no choice. i didn't want to do any of it, i swear—"

"but you almost did. you were going to, if Luffy didn't stop you," you interrupted, still not meeting his gaze.

"it wasn't that simple, i was backed into a corner—"

"it was that simple though; you could've asked us for help. you know we would've helped you."

"i couldn't do that, i couldn't drag you into any of my problems. do you see how powerful they were? my family—"

"we are your family, Sanji!" you finally raised your voice. Sanji's words dissipate off his tongue, your eyes finally meeting his for the first time. he finally sees the emotions that you've been carrying by yourself. the love is still there—thank goodness—but it's overcome by hurt, pain, and the betrayal of his actions.

"who gives a damn how strong they were? you're one of us for god's sake—and to see you sell yourself off to them, to Big Mom, for that girl—," your voice cracks as the emotions make its way in the form of tears.

"how was i supposed to feel when i got to Zou and you're nowhere to be seen except for this?"

you dug a wrinkled paper from your pocket and threw it on the table. written on it was the note he left for the crew.

Sanji feels the room spinning. he feels stupid to think that just because he's back, that everything will be okay again, that you'd forgive him and hold him in your arms again. the silence feels heavier than it ever has, and the waves feel stronger, making him feel uneasy on his feet.

this time, it's him who refuses to meet your eyes.

"i know exactly why you did it, but that doesn't change the fact that you were ready to leave me without so much as an apology. did you really think i'd forget the words you said to us, to me?"

he knows exactly what you're talking about. it was when you had just found Sanji, and he kicked your captain down in front of the Vinsmokes. he had called you low-class pirates and declared himself the prince of the Germa Kingdom.

not only that, but he had to look into your eyes—the ones that he had looked into so many times before and declared his love—and say that he never loved you, and he's better off marrying a woman of higher caliber. saying those words was akin to shoving shards of glass into his own mouth and swallowing them.

the dessert stays sitting on the table, no doubt getting staler by the minute. the chef in him wants to wrap it up, preserve it, and save it for another time. seeing it juxtaposed next to the crumpled note, Sanji almost scoffs. a measly attempt of an apology next to the thing that is very nearly disintegrating what's left of your relationship.

Sanji knows he has to let it sit, bask in the ugly anger and hurt that's in the room, and face it.

he takes in a shuddering breath and leans back against the counter, feeling as if he might collapse under your stare.

"there aren't— there will never be any words i can say that will make it okay. i was selfish to think i could handle it all on my own, and even more idiotic to think you all couldn't help me."

you wipe your tears as they silently run down your cheeks. Sanji wants nothing more to walk to you and wipe them himself, but he knows he doesn't hold that right anymore.

you don't stop him or walk away, so he takes it as a sign to keep talking.

"the things i said, the things i did," Sanji lets out a shaky breath, "it's unforgivable. i don't know why Luffy accepted me back, but what i do know is that i'll spend the rest of my life showing him that he made the right decision. and i'll spend even longer showing you how sorry i am."

your crossed arms turn into you hugging yourself as the tears run faster down your face, dripping off your chin.

"i swear to you, on my hands and feet, on everything: i never meant anything that i said and that i ever felt anything for her. i only tried to accept my fate," Sanji runs a hand through his hair and looks for his next words carefully. "you were all i thought about."

at that, you cried even harder. Sanji, a romantic at heart, kept speaking, desperate to let you know how much you kept him awake on those nights and how the thought of you kept him alive.

"i thought of you even as they kicked my ribs in, as they shackled bombs to my wrists— i thought of you so much i was hallucinating your face in every crowd, i smelled you in my sheets, i saw you in my dreams. even when i was up on that stupid fucking altar, i thought of you."

it was Sanji's turn to start tearing up, the trauma from his childhood and the whole ordeal hitting him head-on. the weight of the conversation pulled you to sit back down in your chair, teardrops falling down and soaking into the tablecloth.

Sanji tentatively steps forward. the table acts as a safe divider between you two still, but at least he's closer to you.

"my words mean nothing, i know, but i'll do whatever it takes—however long it takes—for us to be okay again. i'll start over again if i have to," he pleads, "i don't mean for us to forget it ever happened, that's not what i want at all, but i'll regain your trust again."

your sobbing dies down into sniffles and Sanji's wiping his tears with his sleeves, cufflinks scratching his pale cheeks. how much time has passed since dinner, Sanji doesn't know. 30 minutes? an hour or two? but he means what he said, however long it takes. he'd spend the rest of his life in purgatory if need be.

the silence settles into the cracks of the ship. the flag on the main mast stops fluttering and the vast ocean outside calms down. the waves aren't crashing anymore, the ship is now still and steady.

Sanji hears the scrape of you pulling the plate towards you, and the clink of your utensil picking up a piece of the dessert. he watches you bring the bite to your mouth.

his feet move before he can stop himself, instinctually sitting down across from you and watching you closely, as he's always done whenever he watches you eat one of his recipes for the first time.

"it's delicious," you say quietly, covering your mouth as you chew. your voice is still fraught with the emotions from your conversation, but ever so observant, Sanji hears something underlying in your tone.

"my love?" he asks gently. he can't seem to say the rest of his question.

you stretch your arm across the table and hold your hand out to his, a gesture he immediately responds to. Sanji grabs your hand with both hands, as if his lifeline is flowing from your fingertips, just in case you snatch it away from him.

your gaze meets his, holding the same weight of emotions, except yours is melancholic whereas his is remorseful. you pull your lips into a tight smile and go for another bite of the dessert.

you squeeze his hand and say, "we'll be okay."

at this, Sanji grasps your hand even tighter and brings it to his lips, placing a kiss on your fingers. he prays to all the gods and thanks that he's had the chance to prove himself to you again. Sanji knows it'll be a difficult road to walk from here on out, but he'd eagerly do it a hundred times over for you.