Archive of Our Own ^beta

Three days after crashing on the space whale, Keith woke up to an empty cave.

Well, not completely. He could still feel the warm weight of the wolf pressed up against his back, breathing slowly in sleep. But Krolia wasn’t there. 

He closed his eyes again. She would probably be back in a few minutes to wake him, and rest came so rarely on a mission; he should take any opportunity while he could. 

But the minutes ticked by, and Keith heard no footsteps approaching, no crunching of dirt or snapping of twigs. So he reluctantly hauled himself upright, rubbing sleep from his eyes. 

Everything looked the same as it had the night before. The fire was burning low, ready to be ignited again. The pile of foliage that served as her bed held the imprint of her body, but when Keith got up and tested it with a bare hand, the leaves were cold. She had been gone for a while. 

His heart started beating a little louder in his ears, but Keith stubbornly shoved it away as he stood and started investigating the cave more thoroughly. She had probably just gone off to hunt or something; although, just the day before, she had told him not to go into the jungle alone…

Huh. That was weird, her helmet was gone from its usual spot against the cave wall. He turned and went outside, studying the clearing that their cave sat in for any new tracks or clues in the brush, and once again came up empty– there were just too many layers of tracks from the last three days for him to spot anything. There was no blood or anything to indicate a struggle– wait. He reached back for the hilt of his knife and grasped only an empty scabbard. 

Krolia had used it the night before to cut up meat for dinner. Keith turned and went back into the cave, maybe just a little bit faster than before, and immediately realized that the knife wasn’t there. Wherever she had gone, she had taken the blade with her. 

The dark thought darted across his mind before he could stop it. Maybe she took it back for herself. Maybe she was continuing the mission without him. Maybe she le–

Keith shook his head as hard as he could. No, that couldn’t be it. The Abyss was vicious, Krolia herself had told him that their only chance of survival was to stick together, she wouldn’t be stupid enough to just go off on her own. 

Right?

He stopped and made himself take a breath. Krolia knew what she was doing. Wherever she was, she would probably be back in a couple of hours. Besides, where else would she go? They were on a space whale in the damn quantum abyss. There was no getting off this ride. He just had to keep himself busy until she got back. 

That was easier said than done. Almost everything required the use of the blade that Krolia had taken with her; the only things he could think to do was build up the fire, boil some more water, and continue the experiments with finding a kind of stone that would fracture like flint so that they could make more tools. 

Altogether that held his attention for about an hour before the gnawing uncertainty became too distracting. He went back out of the cave for a quick look around, but again found nothing. 

Don’t freak out. It’s fine. She’ll be back when she’s done with… whatever it is she’s doing. 

Maybe she just wanted a break. Keith got that way sometimes, when he was so sick of other people that even someone breathing too loud was enough to tick him off, and he knew he wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around. He just had to be patient.

Once again he tried to distract himself, this time with gathering what plant material he could without his blade or getting too far from the cave, but this time patience wasn’t yielding focus. Before long he was back outside, pacing around the clearing in front of the cave while the wolf trotted along at his heels, apparently very amused by this back-and-forth game they were playing. 

More time passed. Keith snapped to attention at every rustle of grass or cracking branch of alien trees, but every time he was disappointed. By the time the strange suns were high overhead Keith was sweating, his feet aching from walking around and around their clearing, and still there was no sign of his– of Krolia.

He briefly considered going out to try and look for her, but as tempting as it was to go out and actually do something, he knew it wasn’t the right choice. He’d already checked for a trail to follow and found nothing. All he would do is stumble around in the forest hoping to come across her and probably get himself into trouble in the process, as Kolivan was always telling him off for.

“Damn it,” he muttered out loud as he glared into the trees, like if he looked hard enough he could summon her from the underbrush. “Where are you?”

Keith paced until blisters started to form on his feet. The wolf lay nearby with his head on his paws, having tired of the repetitive motion an hour ago, according to the time counter integrated into the Blade suit. 

Enough was enough. He turned and marched back into the cave, the cool shade a soothing balm against his hot skin, and activated the mask on his suit. He and Krolia had used the comm system before, when they were traveling through the Abyss itself; he didn’t want to use it, didn’t want to seem needy or weak or incapable, didn’t want to give her a reason to doubt him, but she had been gone for hours. Desperate times. 

He activated the comms, and for a moment all he heard was static. Then a low chime, confirming a connection within range. Keith swallowed hard, his throat dry from all of the pacing, before speaking in the steadiest voice he could manage. “Krolia, are you there? It’s me, Keith.”

The connection hummed, but there was no answer. His throat tightened. 

“Krolia, where are you? Come in.”

Nothing. His heart began to pound– was she hurt? Unconscious?

“Sound off, Krolia, please.”

Click. 

Keith jumped at the sound, then sucked in a harsh breath. That sound meant the connection had been closed– not lost or dropped, but purposefully closed on the other end, like hanging up a phone call. 

He held still for a long moment, holding his breath. Maybe it was an accident and she was going to call him back. Maybe the connection had dropped and it just made the wrong noise. 

A minute ticked by. Two. His chest began to ache, but he couldn’t breathe. She wasn’t calling back. She had disappeared while Keith was asleep, had ignored him, closed their connection, and now–

Fuck .This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening, not again. She couldn’t–

He squeezed his eyes and his fists closed and finally forced oxygen into his lungs. It didn’t help– his ears were ringing, his heart pounding in his throat, his whole body shaking as he fought for a few scraps of control. 

Something soft brushed against his legs: the wolf, pressing against him like he was trying to help.

He had to keep it together. He was on a mission. He couldn’t let his emotions take over again, like Kolivan said. Gritting his teeth, he opened the connection again. 

“Krolia–”

Click. 

Something already cracked inside him shattered. He dismissed the mask and rushed back towards the cave, like he could escape the truth if he just ran and hid, but it clung tight to his heels. 

It was happening again. 

His vision blurred. He walked straight forward until he reached the back of the cave, then turned, resuming his pacing at a frantic speed. His hands raked through his hair, grasping and pulling as they went, tiny points of pain that weren’t enough to contain the devastation rising behind his chestplate.

It was happening again. 

“No no no no,” escaped his lips in a litany of whimpers that in any other circumstance would’ve killed him out of embarrassment. Now it wasn’t enough to release the pressure he could feel building. It was crawling up his throat, choking him with memories of the paladins glaring, the Black Lion sitting empty, a dusty gravestone. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, and no matter how hard he tried to hold it in–

He sat down hard beside the fire, buried his face in his knees, dug his teeth into his knuckles, and screamed.

Keith had no idea what time it was or how much had passed. The last however long was a blur of humiliating sobs and desperate muffled screams, sounds he hadn’t made since Shiro disappeared for the second time, until the panic ran its course and left him hollowed out. There was still no sign of Krolia.

He couldn’t blame her, really. He had screwed up their mission so badly they were stuck in the Quantum Abyss now. Kolivan had been able to see right through him, knew he was a walking mistake, a liability. Why shouldn’t Krolia have come to the same conclusion? She’d already done it once before. 

Blades weren’t sentimental. Blades weren’t emotional. He was dead weight. Better to be left behind than carried. Hell, maybe the Abyss had shown her visions too– maybe visions of him as a teenager, unable to keep himself in line, or struggling and failing to be the Black Paladin, or the looks the team had given him the day he left. Any of those could’ve been good enough reasons to dump him.

His thoughts floated through his head, completely detached from his body, sitting still and unmoving before the slowly dwindling fire pit. His eyes burned, and occasionally warm streaks would carve over his cheeks, but he paid it no attention. His muscles were stones, anchoring him with the weight of dreadful resignation. 

He didn’t know what he expected. For her to suddenly want him? For her to care? Surely he wasn’t that stupid. Even Shiro didn’t care about him anymore; why should she? Because they shared DNA? Because she had once cared for a man who died a decade ago? It was ridiculous. He should know better.

People didn’t stay. Not for him. 

Something brushed his elbow, wrapped around his knees. The wolf, sniffing at him, lightly nudging him with his nose. Probably hungry, but Keith couldn’t move an inch. What was the point? If the wolf was smart, and he was, he would leave as soon as he figured out that Keith couldn’t do anything for him, like everyone else. 

After a minute the wolf stopped nudging. If Keith’s stomach wasn’t already at rock bottom it would’ve sunk– was this the moment?-- but the animal didn’t leave. He just laid down, curling his spine against Keith’s leg like he did at night when they slept. 

The wolf would probably be gone by the next morning. Then he’d be really, truly, alone.

A breeze gusted past the cave opening, and though he felt goosebumps prickling up his arms, he didn’t shiver. The fire would burn out eventually, too. 

The survival instinct from his desert days made a sluggish attempt to pierce through the fog. He should keep it going, for warmth and cooking, but what would be the point? Even if Krolia made it out of the Abyss, the Blade didn’t run rescue missions, especially not for a barely-Galra mutt who fucked up every mission he was sent on. Kolivan would be breathing a sigh of relief when he realized Keith wouldn’t be coming back.

And the Paladins? It would be a miracle if they thought about him at all. Expecting them to bust into the Abyss just for him would be like expecting the sky on Earth to turn purple. All of the Lions had their pilots. He was redundant at best.

So he sat, numb and detached, his insides crumbling away like the ash beneath the fire. The tears came and went. The light changed outside the cave entrance. The wolf got up, whined, pawed at him, paced around the cave, and lay back down. Keith resigned himself, piece by piece, to the truth that he’d been running from all his life: that he was not worth wanting, and his usefulness had run out. So he sat. 

Alone.

Twilight was swallowing up the day when Krolia finally returned to their camp, her kill slung over her shoulder. She’d been chasing the damn thing all day, which turned out to be the right choice, as that whole time she hadn’t heard or seen a single other animal– meat, it seemed, would be rare here. 

A glowing blue shape in the dusk caught her eye as she stepped into the clearing. It was the little wolf Keith had adopted, sitting in the entrance to the cave and watching the treeline with absolute focus. When he spotted her he stood and let out a single, sharp bark. 

The hair on the back of her neck bristled. Something was wrong here, but what? 

The wolf barked again as she approached. “Hush,” she said softly. “It’s just me.” He sniffed her fingers when she offered them, but dodged her hand when she reached out to pat his ears like Keith had been doing. He was panting, anxious, the sound loud in the quiet– wait. That was it.  It was too quiet. She didn’t hear Keith’s voice calling after the wolf, or the sound of footsteps, or the crackle of the fire. 

She knew not taking Keith with her that morning was a calculated risk. At the time she didn’t have the heart to wake him; he put up a good front, but it was clear that he was exhausted, and not just from the last few days. She knew all too well how hard the Blades pushed, everything secondary to the mission. She just wanted to give him time to rest, but in doing so, had left him unprotected. 

Slowly, she slid the carcass off of her shoulders and set it silently against the cave wall. She intended to advance stealthily, in case something had crept into their cave while she was gone, but she had hardly taken a step before the wolf was running ahead of her and disappearing in a cloud of blue sparks, lighting up the entire cave. 

Krolia saw no intruder. What she did see was her son, sitting beside the nearly dead fire, staring at her with blank eyes. The wolf re-appeared beside him and he didn’t so much as twitch. 

“Keith? Is something wrong?”

He didn’t answer. He just sat there and stared, and with the shadows only growing thicker, she couldn’t see if he was hurt. With a muttered curse she dropped to one knee and started piling more kindling and fuel onto the fire, coaxing it back into a full flame. The light it cast was uneven, but it was enough to see that there were no injuries, no tell-tale shine of wet blood anywhere. Instead it revealed something infinitely worse: tear stains. 

She said his name again, this time on a shaky breath. He blinked a couple of times, like he was trying to get his eyes to focus, and another tear streaked down his cheek. 

Was he in shock? Was he sick? The wolf certainly thought something was wrong– he whined and pawed at Keith’s knee, and still Keith didn’t budge. Krolia rose into a crouch and edged around the fire to his side, moving carefully so that she didn’t spook him.

“Keith, I need you to talk to me. I need to know if you’re hurt, kit.” The nickname slipped out unintentionally; they’d only been reunited for a few days, she didn’t want to scare him away so soon, but it seemed to get his attention. He turned to meet her eyes, a touch more present than he had been a moment ago. 

“You…” His voice was hoarse and cracking. How long had he been sitting there? “You… came back?”

Krolia’s brow furrowed. “Of course I did. I just went hunting.” She gestured towards the carcass at the other end of the cave. Keith didn’t move, his expression flickering as some distant emotion fought to emerge, and her stomach twisted. 

She had seen these symptoms before. After bombardments, ship crashes, failed missions with lethal consequences. On Earth they called it shell shock— but what was the trigger? Even after all they did to get here Keith had seemed fine, or at least composed. Was this some kind of delayed reaction? 

She was pulled from her thoughts when Keith spoke again. 

“But…” It was a halting, tremulous whisper. “You didn’t answer.” 

“Didn’t answer what?” 

“I called… and you didn’t…”

It struck her like a ship at hyper speed. Hours ago, when she’d been stalking her prey for the final kill, her comms had crackled with Keith’s voice. She had been tracking and chasing it all day, and now within striking distance, she couldn’t risk the beast hearing the sound of voices. She turned them off without thinking twice. It had never occurred to her what that would sound like from Keith’s end: a connection purposefully cut. 

“You were gone, and when I called, you didn’t answer.” His eyes were going glassy again, and the sudden swell of guilt nearly overwhelmed her. With great effort, she managed to swallow it back and find some words, trying to sound gentle when she was so out of practice at it. 

“I was just out hunting. I spotted it this morning and didn’t want to wake you. When you called, I was close to catching it and didn’t want to scare it off.”

Keith just blinked at her. She simplified. 

“I wasn’t leaving. I’m sorry.” Gingerly, she raised a hand, and when Keith didn’t flinch away, draped it around his shoulders, hoping the weight would be comforting. 

To her shock, even that slightest pressure was enough for Keith to tip into her side, slumping against her like a puppet with its strings cut. She couldn’t help freezing for a moment– outside of life or death struggles, this was the first time they had been so close. Her son was shaking. 

“Please.” Even with his head on her shoulder he was barely audible. “Don’t leave me, too.”

Suddenly Krolia felt like she couldn’t breathe. “Oh, kit.” Slowly, by increments, she increased the pressure around his shoulders. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Keith made a little sound, like a hiccup, followed by a rasping cough. Quiznack, how long had he been sitting here like this? Since the call, at least. With her free hand, she pulled over the little receptacle they’ve been using to boil their water, and to her relief, it was still full. 

“Drink. You’re dehydrated.” 

For once, Keith did as he was told without fuss. But even after several minutes of cautious sipping, the trembling hadn’t lessened. He probably hadn’t eaten, either. 

“I need to take care of that.” She pointed across the cave to where she’d left the carcass, and this time he turned his head and seemed to process what he was looking at. “I’m not leaving, I’ll just be over there. Alright?”

He nodded, though slowly, and Krolia was careful as she retracted her arm from around him. Before standing, she clicked her tongue at the wolf pup, who immediately took the opportunity to leap into Keith’s lap and start licking his neck. Keith flinched, but the wolf was determined, and after some more nuzzling and licking, some of the tension in his shoulders eased. 

Krolia kept a close eye on him as she butchered the carcass. The warmth of the fire and the wolf demanding his attention seemed to be helping, but he was still slow and dazed, eyes focused but far away. 

Eventually she was able to return to the fire, several chunks of meat ready for roasting. As she propped them up on spits against the firepit, Keith tore a piece off of his and fed it to the wolf, the tiniest smile crossing his lips when the pup took it gently from his fingers. Another good sign, even if the smile was diminished by the tear stains on his cheeks and the red-rimmed eyes. 

They ate in silence, save the crackling of the fire. Keith’s trembling finally began to lessen. After the last morsel was gone, she was pleased to see him turn to the wolf, welcoming it back to his lap and scratching behind its ears. 

“How are you feeling?” 

Keith paused, like he wasn’t expecting to be addressed, but when he turned to look at her his gaze was more present than it had been since she returned to the cave. He let out a heavy breath. “Tired.” 

Krolia nodded, half to herself. Things like this took their toll. “You should get some rest.”

Keith froze, and Krolia kicked herself. 

“I’ll wake you if I need to leave again.” 

He still wasn’t moving. The wolf pawed at his shoulder, whining when it didn’t get a response as Keith’s eyes started to glaze over again. 

Krolia seized upon the first idea that occurred to her and pulled their blade from her belt. “Here,” she said, offering it to him hilt-first. “You should keep this tonight. We have a fresh kill– something might sniff us out.” 

He blinked a few times, staring down at the offered blade while Krolia held her breath. Maybe this wouldn’t help at all, maybe it would only remind him of how she left the knife with him back on Earth– she’d be right back at square one with no idea how to calm him. Then, to her immense relief, he gave his head a little clearing shake and took the weapon from her. 

“Good.” A sudden urge to reach out and touch struck her, to push his unruly hair out of his face or pull him in close again, but the stiffness that had returned to his body warned her against it. So she simply said, “Sleep well. I’ll wake you in the morning.”

His only response was a nod. Seeing him turn towards the pile of foliage they’d been using as beds, the wolf perked up, and when he took a step, vanished in a cloud of sparks to reappear in the bed before Keith could get there. Keith gave a tiny laugh as he settled down beside the animal. 

Krolia couldn’t contain the smile.

Keith was the biggest idiot in the entire fucking universe. 

That was the only explanation he had for whatever the fuck that was. He’d seen Shiro freeze before, of course, and sometimes Allura, but that was for seconds, not hours. And they had reasons! What did he have to flip out about? Krolia going hunting? What the fuck is wrong with him? 

He lay there in the early hours of the morning, sick with shame, listening to Krolia move around the cave. She hadn’t tried to wake him yet. Probably planning her departure speech– if anything proved he wasn’t fit to continue the mission, it was that fiasco. 

“I know you’re awake.”

At first Keith cringed inward, wanting nothing more than to hide. But there was no point in delaying the inevitable, as the universe had tried to teach him so many times, so he ground his teeth and forced himself to sit up. 

“How are you feeling?”

Keith couldn’t make himself look at her. A nauseating memory flashed at the back of his mind: a foster mother making pancakes the morning she sent him back to the home. 

“You can skip it.” He tried to keep his tone flat, to accept this like a real Blade would, but he wasn’t sure he succeeded. “You should go. Try to find a way off of this thing and continue the mission. I’ll just slow you down.”

Krolia gave a sigh that Keith interpreted as exasperated. “Didn’t you hear me? I said I’m never leaving you again.”

His breath hitched– she had no idea what she was doing, twisting the knife like this. Or maybe she did. Maybe it was purposeful. In that case, why shouldn’t he twist it back? “Stop being stupid. You know what Kolivan would say. Just because I’m your son–”

“Kolivan isn’t here.” She sounded terse, like she was speaking through her teeth the same as him. Like mother, like son. “I decide who stays and who goes. Trust me when I tell you that I’m not being sentimental.”

Keith put his head in his hands. “He was right. He said I wasn’t worthy, and he was right. I don’t understand why you can’t see that.” 

Footsteps echoed on stone as Krolia came closer. He braced himself for more scolding, only for her voice to soften instead. “You think that what happened yesterday means you aren’t fit to be a Blade?”

Yes, obviously. “If that had happened during an active mission–”

“It wouldn’t have. That was a very specific trigger.”

Keith cringed again. With another, quieter sigh, Krolia’s legs came into view, then more of her as she sat down across from him. He turned his head away– whatever faux sympathy was on her face, he didn’t want to see it. 

“Keith, when I first joined the Blade, I didn’t speak a word for a decaphoeb.”

His head snapped up. Her expression wasn’t one he’d been fearing, no fake pity or disappointment, but rather quiet sadness, like back on the ship when she said I left you once. 

“What?”

Her lips twitched in an almost-smile. “And anytime someone touched me outside of combat or training, I would freeze up, just like you did. It was a long time before I could run undercover missions.” 

“...Really?”

It wasn’t that he doubted the possibility. He’d seen Shiro go from strong and focused to pale and trembling in the blink of an eye, and it didn’t make him think of Shiro any less. But the Blade was something else. He always felt like the only person who felt anything with the Blades, and Kolivan had made it clear that it was a weakness, not a strength. He couldn’t imagine that man exhibiting the kind of understanding Krolia was alluding to. 

Then again, Krolia said it was only outside of combat that she froze. She could still go on missions, just not the undercover ones. She was still useful. 

“Stop.” 

Keith blinked. Her eyes were narrowed, watching him so closely, and his face flushed hot all over again. Here he was, proving his own point. 

“Keith, the events of the last few quintants would’ve been stressful for anyone. And now I’m here, too– I’m assuming Kolivan didn’t tell you it would be me you were making contact with.” 

“No,” he said with a bitter little laugh. “He didn’t. Just gave me another lecture about giving into emotion.” He still didn’t get the point of it all. Why risk sending Keith when he could’ve sent any other fucking Blade? Did he know the mission might take a long time and just wanted Keith out of his hair? 

“Exactly. Anyone would be having trouble coping, including a Blade.” Her expression softened again, and her voice followed suit. “We’re not emotionless, no matter what Kolivan says. We all have our moments.”

“Mine was a lot longer than a moment,” Keith muttered to the floor. Krolia shifted forward, not letting him look away.

“Because you were alone. You had no one to snap you out of it.”

He pushed his lips together. He was always alone– shouldn’t he know how to handle it by now? 

“Keith, look at me.”

Reluctantly, he flicked his eyes back to her face. It was determined, focused, like it always was, but with a shine of something he didn’t recognize. 

“We will work through this. One episode is not enough to make me give up on you. Nothing is.” 

No, he did recognize it. He’d seen it before, on other, precious few faces: his father’s, and Shiro’s. 

Keith buried his head in his hands again, but this time to hide how his eyes were burning, like he wasn’t already dehydrated enough. His throat ached with the force of all the emotion he’d been holding in, his temples pounding with his pulse. For the first time that morning he registered the warmth of the wolf at his side. 

“Do you believe me?”

His voice was a shuddering, cracking thing. “I– I don’t know.”

Krolia’s breath came in hard and sharp, but she let it out slow, practiced, controlled. The way all of Shiro’s breathing exercises could never teach him how to do. 

“That’s alright. We’ll work for it.”