Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

tw. (mentions of overdose)

now playing: zombie - day6
(https://open.spotify.com/track/0vPLEyGAlxDAMxFvnwHgUB?si=1476081fec9549f6)

"min, min - ah seungminnie? minnie! minnie! up are you okay?" felix starts shaking seungmin's body in despair as he starts analysing the room to find any signs of bottle laid empty on the floor as he starts panicking for his roommate

"fuck seungmin wake up! i know you didn't die on me this early please don't let that be true min-" he gets startled by a body that starts tapping on his own aggressively trying to free himself from the pressure the small body had somehow exerted on him in a small space of time in a frenzy

"felix stop, felix please let go." he starts speaking in a quiet, helpless voice as he tries to escape felix's dainty arms as he slowly starts getting up rubbing his arms "im sorry i accidentally took an extra sleeping pill. I'm sorry if i worried you, I'm sorry that you had to wake up this early just to be scared for me, I'm so-"

getting up in relentlessness, he gets up off the bed just to sit on the bed again as his small dainty hands which are trying to exert as much force as it can just to be overthrowned by seungmin's massive hands "stop seungmin. i don't come and wake you up every day just for you to apologize. You didn't do anything wrong but you know that you shouldn't go over your regular dosage i'm saying this because i care about you i know you think no one cares about you but i do kim seungmin, we've been friends since birth but you've convinced yourself i don't care about you, i love you, you idiot." felix says staring into his eyes lovingly as he admires his face and tries to convince him as if this is the speech that will determine whether he lives or die

"i love you too lix but i'm just too tired to try and make you believe im truly fine i really didn't mean to overdose but i'm here, i'm fine so its fine go ahead and leave and go hang out with jeonginnie i can hear him struggling with the pans go help him its fine i need to get ready for work anyways so thanks for waking me up." he starts smiling as he slowly tries to exit the bed whilst felix is hyperfixated on his eyes trying to escape the gaze of the worrying lee felix

"ya where are you going kim seungmin? what the hell are you doing?" he says as he redirects his attention to his seungmin's actions as he latches onto his hand stopping him from walking "are you insane? you could of died and your still planning on going to work? you need rest. ill snuggle with you because i can't loose you and i cant keep track of you if you go to work please take a day off for me." he says as he starts begging with pleading eyes as he falls to the floor

"felix you know i can't, you know my boss will track me down and drag me out of the house if that's the last thing he does, i'm so-" he soon as he comes to apologize

"no. look stop saying sorry you have to stop being such a pushover and apologizing for everything even when you don't even need too but in regardless you know i will protect you, you cant destroying yourself just because your scared of him look you have me ill protect you, you have min-" just before he finishes his sentence someone enters the room

"kim seungmin what are you doing still in this room? you have to leave this dorm in 15 minutes or you will be late, go shower right now. There's bread i think that should be enough to eat in 10 minutes so hurry up and lix - ah what are doing still here get up and come eat with me and i.n lets go." he walks into the room to see felix on the floor tugging on seungmin's hand and walks up to him

"what are you doing holding his hand? is he 3? he can get up by himself he's not incapable let go." minho stares felix down as he tries to loosen felix's tight iron grip out of seungmin's hand as felix's grip only gets tighter

"hyung you don't understand minnie can-" minho stops him as he exerts all his power into felix's hand breaks the grasp as felix tries to reconnect and seungmin just stares blankly at both of them tirelessly as he slowly gets up as soon as he tries to escape someone grabs onto him again

"lix stop i'll be-" he says annoyed in a tired tone as he turns his head around to see minho holding onto his hand instead, god his hand is cold and so relaxing to hold felix really wasn't joking when he said his hand was like a cat paw so soft and reassuring

"fuck felix he's an adult now he has responsibilities, he can go and shower himself alright? Let's go eat, jeongin is waiting outside for us, let's go." he says as he grabs onto felix's hand whilst also unintentionally holding onto seungmin's as minho walks out of the room seungmin gets dragged along as his eyes started shutting and felix looks back to see seungmin getting pushed along like a toy and struggling to keep up mentally and physically

"seungmin!" felix starts screaming as his legs works faster than his brain could comprehend and his hands escape minho's grasp quicker than he intended watching seungmin collapse in realtime is more important than his original intentions to him right now

"this is why, THIS IS WHY I KEPT TRYING TO ATTACH TO HIM BECAUSE HES ON HIS LAST LEGS YOU IDIOT HES LITE-" he starts screaming in horror pointing at the unconscious body whereas minho gives his undivided attention to seungmin, the person he kept nagging the whole time, as felix's spewing venom goes one ear out another but regardless of what his eyes choose to do his legs choose another direction

"THAT'S WHY HE NEEDS TO STAY-" he stops screaming at his help signal when his help signal seems helpless himself as he walks away as he also tries to tend to a unconscious seungmin "ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO WALK AWAY WHEN ONE OF YOUR ROOMATES ARE IN CRITICAL CONDITION? HYUNG?" there was no point, he's stubborn and ignorant you can only do so much for someone like lee minho especially when it comes to the topic of kim seungmin.

"kim seungmin, yah kim seungmin wake up please, minnie please your making me worry." he starts shaking him once again twice in less than an hour he gives up and tries to go find jeongin to help but as soon as he gets exhausted he chooses to just figure it out himself but as soon as he turns around seungmin was gone. "seungmin! seungmin?" he starts yelling in despair confused how he disappeared in one single second only to hear the shower running

"seun-" as soon as he was going to call him he gets dragged out by someone

and when i mean someone i just mean lee minho.

felix keeps screaming seungmin's name whereas minho is holding his arm firmly and dragging him to sit opposite him tapping the seat in front of him as felix tries to resist but we all know he's not beating the lee minho "bbok bbok - ah can you stop trying to help a helpless person being so helpless? You cant save him every time he tries to do something dumb, today he tried to kill himself but we can't change someone's fixed mindset if they are destined for death this early you cant sto-" he covers his mouth just before the most important part he had to say after this big spewl

felix covers his mouth, someone who just walked in would think he's kidnapping him but no he's just trying to protect his sanity. "hyung how can you treat him as if he has a terminal illness, hes our seungminnie remember? you l-" this time its not the lee's who stopped each other, it's a yang, yang jeongin.

"whats wrong with both of you, seungmin left like 5 minutes ago and you guys are still talking about him? let's eat i beg." he says in a annoyed tone as he rolls his eyes and as soon as he finishes his rampage felix runs up to him like a desperate puppy wanting kibble but instead of kibble he wants jeongin's feet?

"jeongin i beg make hyung understand that we cant just let seungmin struggle alone, hes been struggling alot recently today i went to wake him up like usual and he didn't wake up for a good few minutes and then he miraculously woke up and he said he took an extra sleeping pill, you know what happened last ti-" jeongin gets to his level and starts smiling, tilting his head, psycho?

"hyung, i know but minho hyung doesn't care what anyone's opinion is on the topic of kim seungmin hyung, even yours and that should say something hyung. Don't exhaust yourself for this, please. Hyung has us two, that's all he needs whenever this snobby hyung figures out that once he loses seungmin hyung he will regret it for the rest of his life is when he will truly change but until then he has us, okay? should we eat?" he says quietly, not loud just so minho doesn't hear but loud enough that felix hears, realising what jeongin said he loosens up and stands up as if a big weight had been released off his shoulders.

"okay. lets go, minho hyung too lets go eat." he says in a neutral tone, a tone thats very different from what his tone has been all day. "think whatever you want about my seungminnie but dont tell me please, me and him have been friends since birth i'd always choose him over you so if you keep telling me to give up on him like as if hes some lifeless corpse that can't be revived ill try 10x harder just out of spite and because i will never, NEVER give up on him unlike yo-" jeongin stops him this time dragging him like his mother, "okay hyung got the message let's go." he signals to minho via his eyebrows and his eyes signalling him to the table where sits a cold bowl of cereal and one half drunken glass of coffee and one untouched and the last one being tea sitting there all lonely. As they make they make their way to the table felix stares at minho like his prey in pure venom trying to saw his eyes out of minhos face as he sits down acting as if he isnt getting eyed down like a meal of someone who hasn't ate in 8 trillon years and continues to act oblivious as he grabs onto his plate with his hands shaking and grabs his fork and tries to keep his composure not to showcase vulnerability to his youngers if he crumbles now it would really seem as if hes guilty, but hes not, hes not right?

"hyung? hyung? earth to minho hyung!" jeongin keeps repeating like a mantra as he slides his hands up and down in front of minho's face.

"oh yea sorry ayen - ah kim seungmin really fucked me up i can't even eat peacefully because for the past 10 minutes all this kid has been doing- pointing to felix in pure annoyance -is acting as if kim seungmin is a saint that needs to be saved and now i can't even eat peacefully fucking hell this is all your fault kim seungmin- he says looking up at the ceiling and just before he faces the ceiling felix starts screaming once again.

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY? DON'T MENTION SEUNGMINNIE IN SUCH A NEGATIVE WAY, LEAVE HIM BE. EVEN WHEN HES GONE YOUR ACTING LIKE HE'S DEAD I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN HAVE SO MUCH HOSTILITY AGAINST SOMEONE FOR SOMEONE WHO JUST LIVES AND SUFFERS IN SILENCE, HE DOESN'T BOTHER YOU SO WHY DO YOU FEEL SO OFFENDED AND OBLIGATED TO SPEW SO MUCH RESENTMENT EVEN WHENEVER HE BREATHES? FUCK YOU MINHO, FUCK YOU." he screams and pushes on the rim of the table pulling the chair away from the table letting the lonely tea be untouched and leaving his food to be untouched just like his drink, lonely as he storms off leaving the once so called "cuties dorm" and slams the door with the trace of anger and resentment as the dorm isn't even left with an echo instead its just the same loathing look from the next person who's ready to burst

"okay ayen - ah i can tel-" just before he tries to justify himself, he's met with the same feeling he felt 2 seconds ago

"no hyung you've spoken enough you know how hard it is to make lixie hyung mad and someone you achieved it. great job! the thing is hyung, im mad right but i know how fragile you are because guess what? i actually care about you unlike how you treat seungmin worser than donald trump. Under your little facade you're more vulnerable than you show your more vulnerable than lixie hyung is and he doesn't even know that but guess what? i know. im not stupid hyung why do you keep trying to hide it?- he tilts his head in anger -obviously no one is a fan of your mask alright and guess what? NEITHER AM I. I TRIED TO BE EMPATHETIC OF UR STUPID FACADE but I'm sick of trying to protect you from lix hyung all the time but you know what? HIS RANT WAS VALID. HIS CRASHOUT WAS VALID IT ALWAYS WAS I JUST FELT BAD FOR YOU BUT NOT ANYMORE.- he comes near to minho's face making minho move a bit away from him in pure terror -you have treated seungmin like as if he has rabies which can't be cured but no he doesn't have rabies, he doesn't have anything because you do, ignorance. and its terminal. so you better fix up or guess what, I'll start doing the same bullshit felix hyung is doing, okay?- he moves his head away from minho trying to regain composure as minho moves foward in fear -and by the way if seungmin comes back home like a dead corpse it's ALL. YOUR. FAULT.- he comes more closer and starts poking minho's chest emphasizing every single syllable making minho tremble -you saw how he looked this morning and YOU KNEW he overdosed and you acted as if the extra pill was a cookie and you knew what happens when he overdoses even if its one pill and you acted as if he's already dead, minho if you keep doing this i'm gonna call chan hyung and ask him to kick you out of the dorm i'm so serious i cannot keep defending you anymore." he says as he walks out of the room too but instead of storming off like felix he just walks off with his hands in his pockets leaving his half drunken coffee to get more and more colder and leaving a lee minho who just sits back into his seat leaning back into his chair tirelessly and starts raking his hands through his hair and lands his hands over his eyes in distress making his elbows hit the cold hard table.

"kim seungmin."

knock, knock.

thud.

Chapter Text

tw. implied/referenced abuse, implied/referenced sexual assault (very minor, no depictions of it just references.)

now playing: hollow - stray kids.
(https://open.spotify.com/album/3yZGdJW5lLePqAPE5z7OxT?si=wpjCmDKUSw6UV-5yAHIz9w)

an hour earlier.

fuck I really need to get to work I thought as I struggled to get up, watching felix worry every day about someone like me, a helpless sheep would be more useful than me instead he treats me as if I cured world hunger, let me die lee felix please. I’m destined for death at 21. I tried for you felix, but I’m a lost cause.

as I finally got up, my head started spinning like it was my last moments but I guess not, I’m still here aren’t I? i managed to make it to the cold room that created goosebumps every time I got inside but I guess not today because nothing was colder than lee minho today. fuck, I screamed as the cold water draped my body, cold water? great thanks, lee minho! he did this on purpose, didn’t he? I bet my life he did well since I’m right I should die right now shouldn’t I? 3 minute shower it is I guess. as I made it to my room the once lovely room full of happiness, lee felix had made it be, had turned into memories of hurt and pain all because I’m still here ruining and taking up space, han could of lived here, hyunjin could of lived here instead even if they came and lived here it would of left a unwavering presence of sadness all because I, Kim seungmin, lived here for more than a second.

picking whatever I saw in the cupboard I get changed as the jeans trailed my past struggles and current traumas like nothing, just like me, nothing. As I walked towards the door all the memories of that day come flashing back trying to walk past it just like le-

“hyung? Are you leaving for work?” jeongin opens the door, eyeing him down like he had murdered someone

“oh ayen - ah lix and minho hyung are at the living room why aren’t you eating with them?” he says with confusion as he tries to analyse his dongsaengs face as he walks up to him

“Well yes I was going to go in a second can you do me a favour hyung?” he asks in pleading tone as he straightens up and goes to grab his hands

“oh well I could try, what is it?” he asks with even more confusion than before

“well… can you leave by the back door instead?” he says with conviction as he comes closer to him as seungmin backs up a bit

“why ayen - ah?” he says softly not to make him feel overwhelmed as he tilts his head

“just trust me hyung, please for me?” he says in a soft tone as he tugs on seungmin’s hand more

he sighs. "fine ayen - ah for you, alright?" he says in a tired tone as he tries to pull a smile for him, that is his only dongsaeng after all, if he doesn't give him love who else will? ayen smiles and hugs him as seungmin stares with confusion, why is he happy about me taking another entrance out? i dont get i-

"hyung, lets go! your gonna be late." he says fast as he grips on seungmin's wrist and in stealth mode enters the living room and seungmin saw a glim-

"hyung hurry up, seriously!" he tugs on his wrist faster making his head turn immediately not registering what was going on in the main part of the living room as jeongin speeds up his pace making seungmin struggle to keep up with the younger. they make their way to the back door jeongin turns to him

"hyung, good luck today at work, if you can't do it, call me call channie hyung or hyunjinnie hyung or hannie hyung or binnie hyung BUT NOT lixie hyung nor minho hyung, promise?" he says in a pleading tone again just like he was a few minutes ago

"why no-" jeongin covers his mouth

"i told you to trust me right hyung? so please dont ask questions okay, i love you hopefully work goes better today. bye hyung!" he says with a smile face but his eyes says everything, something isn't right.

"okay? bye ayen - ah i love you too? but what about say goodbye to li-" he gets shut up again

"no. hyung what happend to trusting me? please seungmin hyung its for your own good, please?" he says with his big pleading fox eyes one last time

"fine, fine. bye, i love you." he says nodding and checks his watch as he opens the door and proceeds to walk out. as jeongin watches him all he could say,

"my hyung, no one deserves you, especially not this world. i wish in the next life you get a job that you like and a lov-" he gets cut off from the screaming of his favourite hyung and take a wild guess who that favourite hyung is. he makes his way back to the main living room to see felix speaking like this determines the rest of his life and its only probably because minho can only say bad things about kim seungmin and if seungmin even gets a spec of dirt on him lee felix will kill whoever caused it so i didn't think he was going to be quiet when minho hasn't shut up about seungmin all day.

"you l-" he finally stops their bickering once and for all.

-愛-

driving to work is one of the worst feelings i feel every single day, its like a one way road to death and everyday i come back home with atleast one new scar, today i wonder what part of my body will get scarred today. as i get out of the car, the people outside the company start staring as me as i make my way to the company as i struggle to keep my eyes open, the brightness is oversaturating my body as my legs starts shaking wanting to give in but i manage to get into the air conditioned hellscape stares increase this time from his own co-workers as people start whispering to each other as they look up and down disgustingly watching the tall fragile figure stumble at each step he places and as soon as he enters the main office the boss starts walking towards him. "hello kim seungmin." walking right infront of him as she stares him down, analysing his outfit and appearance trying to judge his body language by one look

"you look... like you have just inhaled crack and are on your last legs, what did i tell you about the dress policy, kim seungmin? or are you purposely trying to ignore what i tell you?" she says with a straight face and a rigid posture

"no mam i was going t-" he gets cut off by the women stepping on his feet using her heel to break his toes as she tries to make herself seem taller

"what did i say about back chat seungminnie? do as i say and go get me coffee in 2 seconds or you are gonna get a harsher punishment than this and you know i'm not joking." she says as she leans in into his ear and tilts her head as she finishes her sentence and smiles as if she didn't just yell hateful spite 1 second ago

"my favourite worker have a good day, MY seungminnie." she says, smiling, annunciating the my for everyone listening to hear and ruffles his head as if he's a dog and hits his shoulder, indicating him to start moving

seungmin starts walking, mumbling but mumbling enough that she could hear "mmhm thank you, you to-" till someone stopped him and pulls his arm, dragging him away

"seungmin what are you doing now? what did i tell you? to lay low! and instead your getting stuck in her trap again." the girl starts talking with all the fibres in her body as she puts her arm around his shoulder but hitting it first

"minjeong - ah what do you mean lay low? how the actual fuck am i suppose to escape her she watches me like a hawk you should know this better than anyone else minjeong - ah" he says in a tired tone as they walk together and her constantly looks back

"why didn't you call me, lets start there first. if you called me beforehand i would of distracted her i'm giving you the food i'm feeding it to you, why don't you ever bite it seungminnie?" she asks in genuinely asks in dismay as she looks at him as the reach the staff room and without thinking seungmin heads for the coffee pot and minjeong looks over to see the coffee pot is insanely hot with coffee stained all over the table and the jug

she realises how harmful the pot is and retracts his hand in a instant yelling "SEUNGMIN!" seungmin looks over as she yells in fear and quickly retracks his hand before touching it as his face stays neutral the whole time.

"MIN YOU COULD DIED AND YOUR LOOKING AT ME IF I GAVE YOU A PIECE OF PAPER OR SOMETHING DO YOU NOT HAVE SURVIVAL INSTICTS? she asks in genuine concern as he stares blankly at minjeong as she really did give him a piece of paper

she drags him to the nearest sofa making him sit "min - ah, are you okay?- she grabs his hand -your not reacting to life threatening situations i know you've not been okay since you came here which is understandable but you gotta give me something, something that indicates your at least getting better but your not even giving me that. you know, i worry about you all the time jokes aside, you suffer at home, you suffer here, when we go back home together all eomma and appa can do is treat you shit and act like your not their child, you do the same occupation as me, you pratically live the same life as me yet why are you get all the negative attention whereas i get the praises i don't deserve?" she starts tearing up and seungmin reacts to his sister's suffering and tries to wipe her tears and someone walks in.

"kim seungmin, kim minjeong. what are you still doing here, kim seu-" she gets stopped by the other kim.

she gets up instead of seungmin and goes infront of the women "mam its my fault, im sorry i had to talk to him about something regarding our family it won't happen again, don't punish him, punish me." she says quietly looking down. seungmin stares in her in shock, i mean she has done this a million times for him but recently this woman has gotten worse this is basically signing up for death row. as soon as she says that seungmin gets up to fix the mistake he made and minjeong turns her head around to and gives a small shake making him mad.

"it wasnt minjeongie's fault, it was mine do whatever you want to do but don't punish her, she doesn't des-" he gets cut off by the woman laughing

"shut your trap its all i wanted to hear, i know your sister would try to defend you once again lets go." she says as she walks up to him and starts dragging his hand as he looks at the floor helplessly

she runs in front of them "NO. ILL COME TOO I DON'T CARE KIM SEUNGMIN. TAKE ME TOO." she says as she starts walking alongside seungmin

"both of you, psychos for each other god knows why. maybe trauma bonding i don't know but one day kim seungmin, i will make minjeong hate you and you will be all mine." she says smirking at him

minjeong interrupts her "u really don't know an-" she gets cut off by a man as she tries to escape from his wrath as he puts cloth over her mouth and squirms trying to yell for help that wasn't coming the same happens to seungmin aswell he just doesn't fight it as they both get knocked out

"have fun kims'!" she says walking off

waking up felt like i was in a lucid dream, why am i in this lucid dream? analysing the room with weary eyes realising this is the storage room, no surprise there. as i turn over to my side i see minjeong knocked out bad, why does she care about me so much? as i try to move my legs shake in command to allow any sort of movement as i look more closely at myself i realise my clothes are torn, fuck it happened again didn't it? i should of knew when he put the blindfold on this was gonna happen, wait minjeong. i turn over to see how she looks, her clothes are still fine and she seems fine, wait. the creaking at the door told me everything i had to know as the person entered i presented myself as knocked out once again watching to see what the latter would do, as he came in he had a cloth in his hand with spray in another, he's gonna try doing it to minjeongie to isn't he? this woman has no bounds when it comes to making people suffer and it has to end with me. as he approaches her she starts smirking as he analyses her body lowering himself to get to her level as he goes near her face and starts to caress it i get up and slowly approach him being the most quiet i could possibly be as he tries to undress her, my legs feel like rubble trying to break at any second as i forcefully kick his leg watching him try and hurt my sister, he turns around in shock and before i knew it minjeong kicked him again instead as we both manhandled him and watched him fall to the ground completely as we knock him out with his own traps with the cloth falling out of my hands and the spray leaking everywhere as my hands started shaking in adrenaline and fear of the unseen future.

"minjeong - ah are you okay?" he asks in concern watching her closely as minjeong gets up from the ground

"im fine, but are you fine?" as she dusts herself off and watches him and looks over at his legs and back at him

"we don't have time for that, even if i was dying it wouldn't matter we just have to leave, i know how to escape just follow me alright?" he says in a fast pace constantly watching back at the door and to her.

"bu- she stops herself from asking -fine let's go, i'll follow you." she says in an annoyed voice, wanting to voice concern for him but knows it wont happen.

they start running, running like their life depends on it, constantly watching each other as seungmin's legs starts shaking worsens he tries to hide it from minjeong and tries to run faster to not allude to it too much but it becomes more visible over time as his body starts shivering and hurting everywhere struggling for normality in front of minjeong as she starts growing suspicions

she starts slowing down watching him struggle to keep up "seungmin i tried to ignore it but are you okay, are you sure the men didn't do anything to you?" she says as she gets up to him as he hesitates to say something but as soon as he opens his mouth a scream is heard in the background.

"THATS THE KIM'S GO GET THEM." someone yells from their car

minjeong in a haste takes seungmin's hand and starts sprinting towards the dorm block with full force with minjeong tugging on his hand harder, making him drag along from her pull, as they run, seungmin struggle worsens as they somehow manage to make it back home with the car tailing them.

she knocks on the door "seungmin - ah what-" a loud thud could be heard right next to her. when she turns around she sees seungmin on the floor

"SEUNGMIN!" she says loudly as she crouches down to tend to him as the door sprawls open

present time.

jeongin opens to door confused to see nobody at the door and looks down to hear a panicked minjeong and a unconscious seungmin.

"SEUNGMIN! WHY IS HE UNCONSCIOUS NOONA?" he asks hastily as he crouches down as well trying to wake him up with minjeong

"IM NOT SURE JEONGIN - AH THAT PSYCHO TOLD HIM TO MAKE COFFEE AND BY THE TIME WE HAD GOT TO MAKE THE COFFEE SHE CAME AND TOOK US BOTH AND ONE OF HER MEN DID SOME-" before she could finish her sentence a loud thud was heard from a few metres away

felix.

he drops his phone and starts running towards seungmin and the jeongs' "SEUNGMIN! WHAT THE HELL HAPPEND TO HIM? MINJEONG? JEONGIN? WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? SOMEONE RESPOND PLEASE!" he starts yelling desperately wanting answers as he starts shaking minjeong like a psycho.

"i... i don't know. i dont know felix." she says as she lets go of seungmin and starts staring at felix pitifully and without a second thought felix lifts seungmin up and carries him inside, as they make it to seungmin's room they walk past minho and looks up to see a teary eyed felix and a angered jeongin, as well as near dead minjeong, he tries to get up and jeongin pushes him back down.

"don't you even dare, dont let my little respect for you get destroyed right now okay hyung?" he says quickly and starts walking back to the group, leaving minho alone, again.

loud banging could be heard again, repeatedly as minho approaches the door he can hear yelling and frustrated whispering from metres away

"you can't let that malnourished imbecile go again, alright? you know what will happen if we don't get him right? so don't let him go." the stranger says to the person with them

minho slowly approaches the door and fixes his face and hair before opening the door

"hello, who are you?" he says politely as if he wasn't going to cry and burn 2 minutes ago.

"hello, we are seungminnie's friends we were wondering if we could give him this?" he shows a gift bag, probably something inhumane, probably something to harm seungmin.

"well i don'-" he gets stopped by another person's voice, jeongin.

"no. he's not home right now so you can come back another day, im sure he's not too desperate for the gift right now." unbothered, he looks them up and down and when he's about to close the door the men stop him

"well we would like to give it to him so we will wait, okay?" he says looking at jeongin trying to convince him to let him wait.

jeongin steps outside and minho watches the situation unfold "fuck no, okay get out. i'm trying to be nice, get. out." he says sternly as he goes back in the men start dragging him from his shirt back outside and as minho is about to come help

a gun shot can be heard.

Chapter Text

tw. descriptions of an overdose, mentions of suicide, mentions of past potential sa (no depictions just references), guns.

now playing: icarus - artms
(https://open.spotify.com/track/2l2pKMAYOnoc9KcHPwiUCk?si=8fdc8e4dcf6547bd)

felix pov.

my soul left my body, my seungminnie's body on the ground lifeless, unconscious all the life drained from him, he already has been walking around like a lifeless corpse for years but seeing his shell be lifeless too with the already destroyed parts of him broke something within me. when we moved in together he was freshly graduated from university and he was full of life, full of ambitions excited for what the dorm life would bring, he would come up to us every night and would talk to us about everything, what he wanted to do in the future and how much he loves us and he would never leave us behind and here he is years later lifeless right in front of me, a person who used to force to me eat so i could be healthy and live long to now the same person who only eats to appease me but then throws it up trying not to make me worry thinking i don't notice.

i run up to him in shock dropping my phone immediately seeing his unconscious body laying on the carpet like a corpse "SEUNGMIN! WHAT THE HELL HAPPEND TO HIM? MINJEONG? JEONGIN? WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? SOMEONE RESPOND PLEASE!" i immediately start shaking minjeong in true disdain

"i... i don't know. i don't know felix." she stuttering, her body is shaking, this is the first time ive seen her truly helpless and she will do anything to save seungmin, if shes uncertain for her own brother what am i suppose to do, as a stranger to this lifeless body, but i won't let him die thinking he's a loner, not today. as i lift him up ill carrying him inside i see minho hyung in full distress but no movement i can tell he's processed seungmin's condition but he's not doing anything about it, im not surprised yet i can't forget about it, ill just deal with him later because he should be the least of my worries right now.

setting him down on my bed he looks dead, sure he's tried to kill himself by overdosing and he's looked like this but just not visually appeasing but underneath all that i knew why he looked like that but now? he looks exactly like that yet i don't know how to help him, i'm helpless and if i fought harder to keep him by my side would this of happened?

"felix, hey felix are you okay?" minjeong starts doing exactly what i was doing when i came back a few minutes ago, starts shaking me as she starts panicking for me. shit im making thee minjeong panic for me what am i doing?

"sorry minjeong - ah, if you don't mind me asking do you maybe have an idea what might of happened to seungmin so i can figure out what i can to do to help him." i look back to him trying to hold back tears because the last thing i want to do right now is it make minjeong panic more than i've already made her panic in less than a whole minute.

jeongin walks up to me out of nowhere whilst minjeong is trying to process my words "sorry hyung ill be back i just need to do something ill be back!" he says frantically, why is he so frantic? because of seungminnie?

"yea-" before i could finish my sentence he's disappeared, what happend to him in such a small period of time? does he need a breather? it's fine. im sure he's fine. i mean minho hyung is there and even though he wouldn't even give up his bread for seungminnie he would give up his life for jeonginnie so i think he will be fine if minho is near him. all the sudden minjeong starts mummering,

"well um- she starts shaking, the one thing i didnt want to make her do is panic and ive managed to do that i really dont think do i? -well... that woman's men knocked us out and he.. well he.." i go up to her and stop her, i can't bare to see her break down like this, i keep fucking up the kim's, fuck me.

"i understand. don't worry minjeong - ah i just.. i just don't know if well this happend to seungminnie too, i mean his clothes are torn but i'm not sure if its because they did something else or if its because of that potentially but if it is the worse case scenario im going to have to check fully to see if how far it progressed so i can proceed further." i look over at minjeong and shes near tears, if fucking lee minho hyung let him stay home this wouldn't of happened would it?

"minjeong - ah can you do me a favour?" i go down to her level so she can hear me fully she tries to remain her composure, she cleans her eyes trying to focus on what i say

"could you watch him for a bit and analyse him, any movements fully watch what he does during it could you do that whilst i go get the first aid kit?" i try and say in the softest tone trying not to scare her too much i've done enough damage to her in such a short time.

"mhm." she says faintly as she leads a small smile and i return the smile and leave the room to the living room going towards the kitchen i hear yelling coming from down the hall when i stop and turn around to see jeonginnie, oh he's with minho hyung and, and... who's that? what is jeonginnie saying?

very faintly jeonginnie starts speaking to the strangers -i'm sure he's not too desperate for the gift right now." he says with pure annoyance, wait but what gift is he talking about the one in the stranger's hand? i mean it would make the most sense? when i start walking up to them jeongin starts yelling at him, what the hell is minho doing? he's just staring at him you know what im going to have to take matters in my hands if minho hyung is going to be more useless than a pole because i have a gut feeling it's not going to end well, i head towards the gun, i don't care if these strangers aren't a massive threat but if jeonginnie, the angel of this dorm, is yelling at someone he's either insanely mad at them or he he's trying to make someone leave and i doubt he's mad at a random stranger because i know all of jeonginnie's friends and this is definitely not one of them i quietly approach the group and as soon as the drag jeongin back outside i shoot right next to person, they were lucky there was no bullets ugh, dragging my jeonginnie the group flinches and starts running dropping the gift bag well whoever hurts my jeonginnie will not be standing the next.

minho hyung looks back to me as hes about to help jeonginnie, and i signal to him "you took your time." pointing to my wrist and tapping it with my finger, i walk up to the group with the gun in my hand as i glare at minho hyung

"hyung?! what have you done? i was dealing with it! what if you shot one of them you could of ended up in jail! you know why the gun is here yet your using this- grabbing the gun out of my hand and points at it staring dead at me whilst minho closes to door -like a toy, chan gave it to us for protection not for stupid shit like this, i wasn't going to die alright? im not trying to be mean but i want to protect you even if i get harmed in the process." as we start walking back to the living room i stop in front of jeonginnie and hug him trying to comfort him, trying to calm him down.

"im sorry jeonginnie, i was scared for you and minho hyung wasn't doing bullshit and if he doesn't protect you who will? so i need to step in, thats why, im sorry. i won't do it again i promise." i watched his posture straighten as his body relaxes slowly but surely as i turn over to minho hyung he looks like he’s in his own world, this man has not even a drip of empathy does he?

“min-“ I stop talking to hear yelling from my own room from minjeongie and I rush over there with minho hyung and jeongin following along with

“what’s wrong minjeong - ah, what happened?- she’s unresponsive as I start shaking her and little bit not to rattle her too much -did min move or something? minjeong - ah?” i sit down to get her level

“he - he - he started yelling at me to let go of me and fell unconscious again, did - did i do something?” she starts pointing at herself and starts crying some more, fuck I shouldn’t of left her with him.

“minjeong - ah it’s not anything you did don’t worry, how about hyung and innie leaves with you, go on a walk, eat something what about that hm?” i try asking in the softest tone watching her facial expressions calm down and her mummers stop and slow down with her body language as she slowly gets up examining minnie the whole time.

“okay yongbok - ah.” she’s about to start talking again but minho hyung grabs her wrist and drags her out instead, weirdo. hes very selective with who he chooses to be empathetic with but it doesn’t really come across empathetic if you don’t understand hyung, I don’t even understand the shit he does half the time and I’ve known him for more than 7 years, you kinda just get used to his unempathetic ass over time i guess.

as they walk out i put my focus back on him, he's so pretty it hurts, he's such a pure soul it hurts, yet hes struggling. what has he ever done to anyone to struggle this much in this lifetime i always wonder. watching his so lifeless reminds me of the time when he overdosed, when i woke up and went to go wake him up too he was just there on the ground just. like. this. with the sleeping tablets in his hands and the pills all scattered all around him with foam around his mouth my first thought was, i failed him and once again i feel like i've failed him i'm going to loose him at this rate if i keep this up.

as i start unbuttoning his ripped shirt he starts flinching, he's unconscious though? this must be a traumatic response because he would never flinch when i touch him, did they actually do that to seungmin? his bare chest looks red and scathed they have definitely done something to him and its definitely something serious. as i roll up the trouser ankles his ankles are bruised almost like they were tied up and he was trying to resist it? something is for sure he was struggling and this can't be from someone attacking him, he knows how to escape now so is it really what i think it is after all? when i'm about to unbutton his pants to see what happened around his leg area minho hyung walks in.

"yongbok - ah i nee-" he stops talking after assessing the situation in the room and stands there in complete silence and without finishing his sentence he walks out, he has decency but no empathy, strange. well i might be mad at him but i'm not heartless sadly, i cover up him up with a blanket because i highly doubt he would want his ripped clothes on him once again and as soon as i leave the room and enter the living room its empty with just minjeong sitting in the corner sleeping? i don't wanna wake her up but i'm confused the whole point why i told her to leave is to be with jeongin and minho - hyung but they aren't even here and wasn't minho here like a minute ago? whats go-

i look back at minjeong to see shes waken up flustered by my presence and stands up

"minjeong - ah not to fluster you in your fatigued state but do you know where minho hyung and jeonginnie went? minho hyung came into my room to ask me something but then he saw seungmin was naked and walked out and if he's came up to me to ask me something knowing i'm mad at him he obviously needed something so i wanted to help him but he's gone so is jeonginnie do you know where they are?" i try to say in the slowest tone for her to comprehend considering shes probably exhausted but i guess my mouth works faster than my brain because i just splurge everything and by the end of it she just seems confused, great! she fixes her posture as she pulls the most disorientated face with fatigue apparent in her body language, too apparent like a person from 10 miles away could tell apparent, trying to string the words she kind of understood together to build context trying to use her last active braincells to help me, poor soul. she looks up to me in realisation

"ah did you mean where jeonginnie and minho oppa are? the last thing i remember before i went to bed is jeonginnie telling me to go to bed and he went chasing after minho oppa i think they left the dorm block from what i can string together, does that help?" she says with such purity trying to smile a bit to make me feel at ease

"ah okay thank you minjeong - ah if you want you can come with me or you can sleep, wait do you need for or-" i get cut off with minjeong's soft voice trying to think about something

"no i'm fine don't worry about me, considering how jeonginnie was running something bad must of happend to minho hyung now i think about it." she says in genuine fear and concern as she comes closer to me and hands me jeongin's phone showing me minho hyung's location

"thank you minjeong - ah i will be back soon if you hear anything from seungminnie... text me but don't go inside he needs space right now." i say hastily and start running leaving the once bright dorm full of life to a dorm full of tension and supressed emotions with one unconscious kim seungmin left of any potential life in the empty dorm.

as i start following the directions of jeongin's phone i realised truly where minho was, the 3retcha dorm. why is he there? we aren't suppose to meet up with them till sunday, han is gonna go psycho if we went before then so why would he risk it? i mean i know he's safe chan is there, wait a minute no he's not he's at the studio so why the actual fuck is he there?

as i approach the building i start prepping myself for whatever happens i can't allow myself to get distracted. seungminnie is still at home i need to tend to him soon or his condition will worsen, i just have to go get minho help him with whatever he needs help with and quickly be able to go back and tend to seungmin and lastly don't get mad at him, dont get mad at him, dont get mad at him. okay let's go.

as i knock the door and clean off my clothes the door opens revealing... minho hyung?

"what the hell are you doing here yongbok - ah?" he asks me as if i'm the one in the wrong right now

"wait a minute why are you interrogating me huh? i came here to get you because i thought you were need in dire help so i come to help you but your not there nor is jeonginnie and i realise your here and your opening the door as if you live here, so before you interrogate me why did you run here when chan isn't even home? Where the hell is jeonginnie as well didn't he come chasing you" i ask tilting my head leaning against the door frame crossing my arms in deep confusion.

"well i had to help hyunjin, han texted me saying he went missing again so i had to help him find him and minjeongie was fine on her own plus jeonginnie was with her anyways until he started chasing me for some odd reason but either way i didn't think any of you needed me and jeonginnie went to go look for hyunjinnie anyways so i was gonna come back your technically complaining that i was gone for like 15 minutes?" he says trying to convince me as if i'm in the wrong? whats his problem he cares more about hyunjin and he doesn't even go look for him? but he cares more about someone who literally runs away every other day and comes back in 2 seconds because he starts feeling guilt because he doesn't want any of 3racha to worry instead of a unconscious dorm member. his priorities and biasness makes me wanna kill him.

i lean off of the door frame and actually enter the dorm whilst partially yelling at him and analysing the dorm meticulously, fucking hell its a pigsty in here. channie hyung wouldn't leave this place such a mess neither would the others though? "so your priority was hyunjin instead of seungmin? instead of minjeong? fucking hell hyung you saw seungmin unconscious lifeless body and you thought you should go help someone who's 2 km away instead? you saw minjeong bawling her eyes out and you chose to help someone who was coming back before you even reached the dorm itself? great job! your prioritises are straight! helping a dorm you don't even live in! why didn't you volunteer to live here instead huh?" fuck i wasn't suppose to get mad was i? its too late minho hyung keeps pushing my buttons every time and this one was my last straw seriously this time.

we end up ending up in the living room where the argument escalates because minho smug and unbothered persona is fucking with my brain chemistry "minho hyung what happened to you? you used to try and make an effort to care for us and treat us like your own yet overtime you became so much more bitter? what did we do, what did seungminnie do infact lets start there." i try cooling down but hes pissing me off.

he comes closer trying to touch me just before he does i flick his hand off and he starts staring at the ground like a pitiful puppy, fucksake. “if I stayed what would of you done?- he looks up to me as I step back -after you helped kim seungmin you would of started yelling at me blaming me just because he's a fucking pushover so I just decided to leave and it was perfect timing because hyunjin just happens to run away again so I thought I’d be more needed here anyways alright? are you happy? he starts going crazy like the true psycho he is as he starts throwing shit at me, what’s.. what’s wrong with him..? I walk so far from him i manage to make it to the door watching him fully loose control.

“you know what felix? I tried to understand why the hell you have such a weird disturbing relationship with him and i thought about it you know,- he looks up to me and starts walking towards me oh how badly i want to leave this hell forsaken dorm right now -it’s because he saved you from his parents your don’t actually like him you just feel bad he had to suffer to protect you- he starts prodding my chest as hard as he can and starts smirking, he’s lost it and worst of all he’s lost himself. -instead of your sorry ass so your trying to protect him now to make up for all those times you failed him back then aren’t you?” he starts laughing like a cynical psycho oh god. in fear I start stuttering “no- no- no! that’s not the case I genuinely care for him. why are you trying to twist our relationship?” I try to remain composure and look at him like my favourite hyung like I always have but this isn’t my favourite hyung anymore is he?

he tilts his head and smiles again “why are you stuttering huh? you always tell me how much you love that lowlife and how you have been friends since birth so why are stuttering for something you repeat like a fucking mantra in my ear now?” He gets close to me again

“because I-“ I get cut off by han staring at both of us.

we both give him our attention and once he got his attention he started “what are you both arguing about now? if it’s about kim seungmin that can wait, you know how hyunjin is usually is back at this time?- he starts fiddling with his fingers -well he’s not and I’ve checked around the block he's not there.” he says with a worried tone as he starts pacing up and down constantly trying to analyse our faces.

minho starts laughing like a maniac and starts clapping “you see? hannie really did need my help seems like I’m more useful here even though I didn’t even mean to come here, I always win.” he widens his eyes and smirks as if it will soak in more if he looks at me like a insane person and proceeds to look back at han

“where’s changbinnie?” he says in a softer tone as if he wasn’t slurring fighting words a minute ago.

“i don’t know.” he says in a fearful tone as he falls to the ground and as I’m about to console him

minho hyung does it before me.

“hannie it’s okay we can find him I’m sure-“ he gets cut off by him, doesn’t feel nice does it hyung?

“no this must be serious if he’s ran away for this long something bad must of happened or what if he did something bad to himself? hyung! if he really did do something its all my fault, i was annoyed at him because he wouldn't come out of his room and eat and i started yelling at him and he just walked out of his room and i started yelling at him some more and he just left without saying a word and i thought it wasn't really a big deal because you know he always comes back but.. he's not back. hyung!” he goes to hug minho hyung

well it seems like I’m no use here anyways, I head towards the door and as I open it I see channie hyung he spots me up and fastens his pace

“lix? what are you doing here it’s not-“ I cut him off because I deadass don’t have time right now

“sunday I know that myself a lot happened but the problem that concerns you the most is that hyunjin is missing and I know you always say ‘oh he will come back’ it’s been 5 hours and he still isn’t back that’s why I’m telling you, okay bye good luck.” I try to say in the fastest pace I could I’m practically rapping at this point and when i turn around to head to my own dorm chan grabs my wrist

“lix why are you rushing to leave? you would be one of the first people to try and figure out where hyunjin is so why are you leaving now?” with confusion splattered across his face and tilts his head I shouldn’t tell him should I? He’s got a lot of shit going on right now to deal with this right now I’ll tell him later! yeah I’ll tell him later.

“no it’s because minjeongie is around and she’s home alone and I don’t want her to be home alone the whole time she’s over that’s why! I’ll come back if he’s not back by the time she’s left. bye channie hyung!” I say as I start fast walking not even hearing hyung murmuring bye.

as i make it back to the dorms an eerie sound surronds me it feels empty and hollow, it feels ominous and i know it was overwhelming when i left but it wasnt this bad was it? as i enter the room, minjeong isn't here? and nor is seungmin? whats going on.

i start panic looking around the dorm looking for either of the kims but no one is to be seen, when i make it back to my room in utter defeat, i took too long. if i just didn't get distracted by his obvious rage bait this wouldn't of happened would of it? i lay my back on the bed trying to think what would of happened looking around my seungminnie was just here unconscious here. whats that?

i get up to grab, a phone? who's phone is this?

oh its mine. i open the phone and i see 2 missed calls and one voicemail, 1 from channie hyung and one from changbin hyung? and the voicemail is also from changbin hyung huh? i open the voicemail and hear something i wish to never hear again.

"um felix so i was heading back to the dorms- wind breezes with footsteps approaching and keys rattling -and i see minjeong chasing seungminnie hes like yelling don't touch me and is yelling minho hyung's name for some odd reason, i tried calling jeonginnie but i saw he was leaving my dorm so i dont think he would know whats wrong with him and i doubt minho would care and he looks terrifed, like genuinely as if hes seen a ghost trying to kill him type fear. im about to ask channie hyung if he knows but considering you live with him i thought u would be the be- the speaker starts sounding staticky -whos this? its felix, minho hyung. im telling him about seungminnie running aroun- he tries to cover the speaker- he doesn-n-'t have to kno-w-w-w-w what happend to-o hi-m-m- more staticky noises could be heard -i dont even know what happend to him hyung im just asking him if he knows, its fine yongbok - ah ill tell channie hyung don't you have dance class today anyways? go to that and ill tell channie hyung and we will figure it out okay? bye yongbok - ah- a mumer can be heard in the distance -it-ss-s all mi-nh-oo hy-un-g-."

what the fuck. he's been mummering minho hyung name? but why is what i dont understand hes been unconscious this whole time and yet as soon as he wakes up he starts talking about minho hyung? i know its most likely his subconscious but this all happend because of work so why would minho hyung be involved?

i walk out of the empty dorm making it more empty then before and as i approach the 3retcha dorm once again i open the slightly opened door to hear jeongin, channie hyung, minjeongie changbin hyung and hannie banging on the bathroom door?

as i make my way the bathroom i realise minho hyung and seungminnie aren't out here so they are in there?

“hyung what happened to seungminnie and minho, why are they inside the bathroom?” i look at chan analysing the others with their sheer panic splattered over their face “seungminnie just randomly went into the bathroom whilst minho was in it and i'm not too sure why but i'm scared minho will go ballistic at him for it, why was he running around saying minho’s name felix? what happened at work? tell me i need to know so i can figure out if i have to escalate this” he says immediately going back to banging the door whilst waiting for my response, shit i have to tell him now?

fuck it he will find out either or, i turn to him "well hyung.. when he got to work his boss told him to make coffee from him and when he did-" i cut off by the sound of the door opening, seungmin starts slow walking out with tears dried across his face, when he sees channie hyung he goes up to him and hugs him and in pure guilt he hugs him too.

"what happend min?" he asks looking at his second youngest's face

"i think minho hyung did something to me."

Chapter Text

tw. self harm, mentions of sexual assault (no depiction's just references)

now playing: orchid/flame - hannah bahng (https://open.spotify.com/track/4EcTf30fqx2CXau0S7e5VS?si=3d4c22241f8041fd)

minho's pov.

watching my seungminnie life drained out of his body once again, why did i come in here? am i dumb? fuck i shou-

"minjeong - ah it's not anything you did don't worry, how about hyung and innie leaves with you, go on a walk, eat something what about that hm?" felix says looking at her pitifully she looks like her brother, dead. barely alive. holding onto a string that seungmin once was holding and now its just her. she looks like she wants to say something, she looks like she wants to stay here, if she does shes basically saying she wants to kill herself, whats wrong with her? without thinking i just grab her wrist, the kim's are so empathetic for eachother ugh.

jeongin starts following me as i leave the room, once i exit the room i let go of her hand because i have a feeling shes probably uncomfortable. i look over to her, shes gonna have a panic attack fuck. i can't tend to her emotions i cant even help myself when i'm vulnerable how am i suppose to help her? before i could help her jeongin goes up to her and i walk right behind him, the way i have been acting like all day i feel younger than him, i'm doing nothing as the oldest. fuck me.

as i follow jeongin I quickly realise she has a bruise on her body and scratch marks all over her, shit how did I not realise this earlier? I think the first aid kit is in yongbokkie room with seungmin… it’s fine I can just quickly get it and quickly leave.

as I approach the room I brace myself, get the first aid kit and leave, get the first aid kid and leave, get the first aid kit and leave. when I walk in I see yongbokkie on the bed “yongbok - ah I nee-“ when I look over trying to look for the first aid box I see seungminnie, he’s hurt. He’s bruised, he looks like someone has tried to attack him and he tried to resist. he got sa'ed again and it looks worse than last time before I could finish my sentence I leave, the memories of the 22nd comes rushing to me, all the suffering he endured and how that affects him till this fucking day, all because he didn’t ask for help. all because he wanted to endure it alone, fuck kim seungmin, why? your doing numbers to yourself and me. before I knew it my eyes started watering in anguish and pity, I can’t save him, I can’t save him, I cant save him once again.

I run out of the dorm, jeonginnie will just yell at me and start complaining that should of had empathy for him earlier he’s not wrong but if he doesn’t want me to break down in front of him it’s the only way

i head towards the 3retcha dorm thats the only place i could think of anyways if i don't want to get to run over. before i knock on the door i hear non patterned breaths behind me, who is that? i look over to see jeonginnie panting, why did he follow me? did he really leave minjeong all alone?

"jeongin - ah why the hell did you follow me?" with confusion blinding my eyes, why the hell does he keep following me everywhere i go? all in one day he's managed to yell at me, yell at seungminnie's bosses hitmen and follow me here to probably yell at me some more.

he tried to catch his breath before he started talking "because you didn't look mentally stable. i know you act like you don't care about seungminnie but i can tell you must of ran out because of him. i was scared you were gonna do something to yourself again, as much as i've been yelling at you all day i care about you hyung, i've been protecting your feelings because i know you have been silently struggling as well i can't afford to loose you either despite how annoyed i am with you right now." he looks at me teary eyed, fucking hell how did i manage to do a number on him?

"jeongin - ah,- i clear my eyes trying to convince him i'm fine, i don't think i'm fine myself but its whatever -i'm fine, look. plus did i run away far? no. i just ran to this stinky dorm i'm fine i promi-" before i could finish my sentence jisung swings opens the door.

shit he looks like he's lost his favourite guitar or something what the hell is wrong with him?

"hyung, what are you doing here? jeonginnie? what are you both doing here its not even sunday?" he stops amid his panicked state and turns to confusion instead

jeongin starts talking before i can, oh wait he starts talking before i can! "hyu-" i cut him off and cover his mouth, if jisung finds out why i'm here he will make it national news to hyung.

fuck i gotta think of something. "i- i- i um... wheres hyunjin?" i ask, best bet is that he probably ran away considering jisung's state again. good escape lee minho.

"he ran away again because i kept asking him to eat, do you think i was in the wrong hyung?" he asks with his big round eyes, fuck i gotta act like i care so he doesn't ask much questions about me.

"no i don't think you were jisungie but thats not the problem right now is it? we have to find him. jeonginnie can you go look for him, he wouldn't of went that far its hyunjinnie, ill stay with jisungie okay?" i speak hastily well because 1 i have a strong feeling lee felix will come here any second and i have to fix how i look, considering how long felix has known me one look at me he will know something is wrong and 2 i gotta act like i give a fuck about hyunjin right now when i cleary don't, i care about hyunjinnie don't get it twised but right now? i couldn't give a fuck even if i wanted to.

he looks hesitant, he probably doesn't want to leave me alone, he really thinks i'm gonna kill myself or something.

"fine." he says hesitantly and walks off, i really take him for granted, he's the one person who cares for me in that dorm left.

i look over to jisungie and he's gone? wasn't he was panicking that hyunjin ran away like 2 minutes ago? he really retreated back inside after jeonginnie went to go look for him? hm. whatever, i actually make it inside the dorm this time, the dorm is immaculate ive never seen it this clean because every sunday by the time i get here its a whole mess it reminds me of the time when it was just me and seungminnie living at our dorm just the 2 of us for a few months, he would make me coffee every morning and we would go out at night walking across the han river together, and now our dorm is a constant mess just like us. without realising tears starts dropping again, fucksake. why didn't i help him back then? WHY DIDNT I HELP HIM BACK THEN? without thinking, without realising i start throwing pieces of paper around the living room in pure frustration, i start throwing random shit i see in my eyeline next, just because i'm such a fuck up seungminnie is stuck in that fucking job, stuck with trauma marks now. all becau-

loud knocking surronds the room, its felix isn't it? shit i was suppose to fix how i looked, i try my best to clean myself off, trying to wipe off all the tears off. be calm, seem like nothing happened minho.

i open the door and felix is there, not surprising with such a people pleaser he is. he gives me a weird look, when has he not to be honest?

"what the hell are you doing here yongbok - ah?" i try to say in the calmest tone that i have within me and he changes from weird to mad, too sudden to act nice? maybe.

"wait a minute why are you interrogating me huh? i came here to get you because i thought you were need in dire help so i come to help you but your not there nor is jeonginnie and i realise your here and your opening the door as if you live here, so before you interrogate me why did you run here when chan isn't even home? Where the hell is jeonginnie as well didn't he come chasing you?" he asks, oh he's mad mad should i just act unbothered again? i mean sure he might yell but i dont think peaceful minho is gonna work any better

"well i had to help hyunjin, jisung texted me saying he went missing again so i had to help him find him and minjeongie was fine on her own plus jeonginnie was with her anyways until he started chasing me for some odd reason but either way i didn't think any of you needed me and jeonginnie went to go look for hyunjinnie anyways so i was gonna come back your technically complaining that i was gone for like 15 minutes?" lie, lie, lie. its whatever he'd rather know this lie than why i actually left i feel like.

he leans off the half broken door frame and just barges in, fun! i turn around and i see everything i did moments before he knocked, shit not fun. well its too late he saw it hopefully he doesn't think much of it?

he's gonna yell at me i can just tell. "so your priority was hyunjin instead of seungmin? instead of minjeong? fucking hell hyung you saw seungmin unconscious lifeless body and you thought you should go help someone who's 2 km away instead? you saw minjeong bawling her eyes out and you chose to help someone who was coming back before you even reached the dorm itself? great job! your prioritises are straight! helping a dorm you don't even live in! why didn't you volunteer to live here instead huh?" i start shaking a bit, the memories of the 22nd strike me once again to that exact night graphic images of his- no but why does he love to depict seungminnie as a dead corpse already? lifeless body? he's very much alive just unconscious, he loves to call me insensitive well look at him, if he's trying to guilt me its not working. he's making me not to want return more because i don't want to see him again, not right now.

he starts walking towards the living room, why the hell is he going there i thought he was gonna leave soon. this is gonna be a long day i can just feel it.

he states by saying "minho hyung what happened to you? you used to try and make an effort to care for us and treat us like your own yet overtime you became so much more bitter? what did we do, what did seungminnie do in fact lets start there." my hands start shaking some more, fuck my anxiety he's gonna see it, he's gonna think i'm a pathetic lowlife he's gonna think i'm a hypocrite, he's gonna crash.

i try calming him down with my less shaky hand and he hits it like i'm 3 trying to steal a piece of chocolate, so sympathy wont work? will psychosis get his attention that i don't want to leave? maybe. “if I stayed what would of you done? after you helped kim seungmin you would of started yelling at me blaming me just because he's a fucking pushover so I just decided to leave and it was perfect timing because hyunjin just happens to run away again so I thought I’d be more needed here anyways alright? are you happy?" shit i really don't sound like myself. i start walking towards him, trying to indicate that he should leave because if he stays for another second i might crash and burn.

whats one thing that will hurt him so much he won't talk to me? i try thinking quickly, prodding at his relationship with seungmin? “you know what felix? I tried to understand why the hell you have such a weird disturbing relationship with him and i thought about it you know, it’s because he saved you from his parents you don’t actually like him you just feel bad he had to suffer to protect you- i start prodding his chest like i'm prodding his relationship trying to give him the hint. -instead of your sorry ass so your trying to protect him now to make up for all those times you failed him back then aren’t you?” i start laughing a bit, trying to suppress my tears seeing yongbokkie's face drop in fear as he backs up more and more even though he can't. too far? even if it is, the way he's been acting like i'd rather kill seungminnie than let him breathe one breath of air, if this makes him realise i'd rather die than talk about seungminnie again then its the best option and i don't care if he resents me for it, seungminnie already acts like i don't exist anyways it shouldn't be too different right?

oh he's stuttering, fucking hell when can i stop hiding? when will this trauma finally escape me for good? “no- no- no! that’s not the case I genuinely care for him. why are you trying to twist our relationship?” because yongbok - ah if i don't i will admit how i've been feeling for the past 2 years thats why yongbok - ah, thats why.

“why are you stuttering huh? you always tell me how much you love that lowlife and how you have been friends since birth so why are stuttering for something you repeat like a fucking mantra in my ear now?” i seem worser than the staff at our dance company telling him to loose weight for shows, only a few more days yongbok - ah only a few more days.

“because I-“ before he finishes his sentence jisungie comes right next to me and stares dead at us. where did he appear from? he's been gone for so long why did he appear now? even if a murder happened he wouldn't leave his room so why now?

“what are you both arguing about now? if it’s about kim seungmin that can wait, you know how hyunjin is usually is back at this time?- he starts fiddling with his fingers -well he’s not and I’ve checked around the block he's not there.” pacing up and down the room, he thinks 5 hours is alot? when me and seungminnie and hyunjin used to live together hyunjin used to disappear for more then 8 hours and i'd have to call him back and sometimes he wouldn't even listen and to think he thinks 5 hours is alot but it doesn't matter right now i have to act like i care to get felix off my case.

“where’s changbinnie?” i try to say with all the care i have left within me, which isn't alot to jisungie.

“i don’t know.” he falls to the ground, he's really making my case easy for me in front of felix, i sense felix trying to help him but i go before him trying to buy the care i can't afford.

i try to console him because trust me, he will come back. “jisungie it’s okay we can find him I’m sure-“ he cuts me off.

“no this must be serious if he’s ran away for this long something bad must of happened or what if he did something bad to himself? hyung! if he really did do something its all my fault, i was annoyed at him because he wouldn't come out of his room and eat and i started yelling at him and he just walked out of his room and i started yelling at him some more and he just left without saying a word and i thought it wasn't really a big deal because you know he always comes back but.. he's not back. hyung!” why doesn't he get he will come back? he only truly cares about hyunjinnie whenever he's gone, if he just understood hyunjinnie at the start would this even of happened? i knew these 2 living together was a bad idea from the start.

i hear felix's footsteps exit heading towards the door, thank you lord he's leaving but what am i suppose to do about this?

"jisung - ah, jeonginnie went to go look for him right? its not even been 15 minutes in this time he wouldn't of even covered the full block, don't worry okay?" i pat his back and get up and start walking away from him to hear the door opening once again, it better not be felix again i can't keep hiding myself its destroying me, its burning me.

its channie hyung, fuck.

he walks in setting his phone down and his keys with confusion all over his body language, he must of saw felix, fuck me.

"minho?... what are you doing here? what the hell is going on? first i see lix now you? what is truly going on be honest because i don't think lix was being honest." he says walking up to me

"what did felix say?" i ask with curiosity, my hands start shaking again fucking hell whats wrong with me.

"he said that minjeongie was at home all alone and he had to go back quickly but thats not what it really is, is it?" he asks as he tilts his head

if yongbokkie is lying it must be for good reason fine whatever this will be my first and last good deed i do before i die its whatever.

"he's not lying hyung she is really home alone thats why he went so fast, he came here because he thought hyunjinnie would be here soon but he had already been here for awhile leaving minjeongie for longer than he had planned so thats why he seemed hasty. don't worry hyung nothing is wrong with lix." i tell him calmly trying ton convince him nothing bad happened.

"okay fine i believe you, so why did hyunjin run away this time?" he says sitting down indicating he's calmed down a bit and i sit down too

"well-" before i could explain seungminnie opens the door with minjeongie following closely behind. what-what what's he doing here?!

channie hyung and i get up and i start walking behind him, i'd rather face him before hyung does because if i face him ill either throw up all the emotions ive been hiding this whole day or i might faint either or i'd rather do later.

"minjeong - ah what the hell are you two doing here? seu-" before he could call on seungmin, minjeong cuts him off.

"don't talk to him, this isn't necessarily seungminnie, this is his subconscious i think he got sa'ed again. i thought i was just imagining it but i really think he did.- she got cut off by seungmin himself because he said- he said-

my name.

"minho hyung, save me it hurts." he said walking up to me as he fell to my feet, he's regressive coping i know, but it feels like i'm back at the 22nd.

i can't do it again. before my mind even processes what happens my feet do and walks to the bathroom.

everyone is yelling my name but the only thing i can hear is, "minho hyung, save me it hurts." i shut the door with full force and tears start rolling down my face, if i just put my ego aside, this wouldn't of happened? if i wasn't so tied to the 22nd till this day me and seungminnie would be fine, everything would of been how it always was but i let it take over me. i let the trauma take over like a drug

looking over i see a pair of scissors, i don't do drugs unlike some people, but i'd rather hurt my own goddamn self then let powders destroy my body.

its been awhile but its better late then never, it hurts but its the fun of it right? the blood starts streaming down my arms and legs as it bleeds the tiles, fuck i should of put tissue underneath my arm, hyung is definitely gonna realise it was me but then again what could he do really though? its my life.

the tears continue rolling down my face as it starts bleeding in with the blood before i knew it the door burst open and seungmin comes in.

fuck i didn't lock the door, i slammed it but didn't lock it. what was i thinking?

he locks on the door and starts staring at me like a psycho, but i know why he looks like that and it hurts me thinking about it "hyung, why is there blood all over the floor? he asks in genuine concern "minho hyung, save me it hurts." he holds onto his bruised arm and falls down allowing the blood to seep into his own, tears start flowing from his eyes too and it hurts seeing him be in pain again, everything he does reminds me of the 22nd especially this.

"seungmin - ah, hyung just got a little hurt um- how about you say i hurt you too?" i say softly looking at him as if i'm not telling him i tried to harm him its the only way they won't get suspicious and won't catch on i was hurting myself because thinking about it now if hyung realises ive been hurting myself again he will make me do therapy and i can't do that again not after he made both of us go because of what happened on the 22nd. i always think what would both of us 2 years ago think of us present day i always wonder.

"okay hyung!, it still hurts hyung, everywhere they did something to me i don't know what do you know what?" he says so softy and politely whilst looking up at me i can't help it i start bawling again and he hugs me and what hurts is that i know he will either forget or choose to forget what happened during this whole day, fuck you, kim seungmin, fuck you.

he touches my face like a lover "hyung its okay! i'm here, we can sleep and cuddle together and i will wake up early and make you coffee before you wake up i know you will like that!" he's driving the knife in more and more, i'd rather stab my face then have him say shit like this he really went back to 2 years ago to cope, he misses us, and i miss him too thats the shitty part.

"so i just have to say that you did something to me? easy peasy! bye hyung! we will cuddle together and ill make you coffee after this deal?" he says with the most smilest of smiles ever, fucking kim seungmin everybody.

"yes, min - ah deal! your acing it today." i high five him as he unlocks the door and walks out before anyone else walks in seeing this murder scene of a bathroom i lock it immediately.

looking around i lean my head on the wall, what have i become? the only good thing about me is that i don't do fucking drugs. but this day as much as it might not top the 22nd it tops something, me. and i didn't think that was possible.

enough mopping around let me clean up as much as i can, the banging increases, i could hear it before but once seungminnie entered everything silenced out expect his voice, his sweet vanilla voice, he used to sing to me, he used to want to become a singer, he used want to do so much things, so did i.

i cleaned it to the best of my standards as i try cleaning my face to seem more presentable i breathe in and breathe out, if they ask what i did ill just say i hit him for coming in and the blood? from his legs because he wanted to show his legs, yea, yeah! that should work.

as soon as i walk out all i hear is yelling and commotions and before i knew it i passed out, oh i cut too deep didn't i? well it was worth it. i felt something other than pure emotional turmoil of pain for once. i should do it again.

                                                                                                           -愛-

as i wake up, i realise i'm in fucking hwang hyunjin's bed. "is that motherfucker still not home? i'm gonna actually kill that man." i start yelling out loud, oh so that wasn't my mind voice oh well at least they know i'm alive, barely.

chan presses down my arms, luckily not my wrists, in an attempt to silence me "no he is, he went out with jisungie on a walk because i told them to sort out whatever shit caused him to leave the dorms, whats wrong with you huh? you passed out as soon as you walked out of that bathroom, were you overstimulated?" he asks quietly, seems like everyone else must be sleeping, at least he didn't realised i passed out because i had been self harming thats a win but how come i didn't even realise how late it is, how long have i been passed out for?

"yeah, you guys kept banging the doors, and everything got to me at once, seungminnie entering the bathroom i don't know but i'm fine now so i should head back the kids are probably back at the dorms they probably need food." i try getting up and he pushes me back down, fucking hell this is worse than therapy, him coddling me. get me out i beg i'm not a celebrity so get me out of here.

"the kids wanted to stay here but i told them to go home, they wouldn't leave you in your state but changbinnie told me he gave them some food so they are fine all 3 of them are probably back now, and seungminnie he um passed out too right after you did i'm assuming its from exhaustion he was running around calling your name so i'm not totally surprised that happened but you both need rest urgently especially with what happened with seungminnie i kno-"he says sitting on the bed but i cut him off i'd rather not talk about what he knows because to be completely honest if he knows i need rest he should know what i don't need right now, bad memories.

“hyung you don’t need to remind me what happened like a repeated mantra again and again i know what happened can we just forget about it?” I attempt to get up again, as much as I say that he should forget about it it’s really just me saying I’m a full on hypocrite because I can’t forget, I never will.

he gets off the bed as he sees me trying to attempt to move “fine min - ah but this won’t stop me from being worried for you or him so just be careful and take care of yourself and at least try and and attempt to care for seungminnie too i know it’s hard but i promise you he would get healthier way quicker if you show him even a small bit of affection and care.” he says and walks out.

it’s easier said than done hyung, and I doubt he’d understand that.

I get up start being more mobile, fuck my wrist hurts like a motherfucker I don’t think I hurt it that bad did I? I get up and walk out too I don’t want to be in this room for another second, hyunjin has definitely done some weird shit in here. the halls feel so empty and drained of life, the mess was cleaned up? did no one register the fact that it wasn’t like this before i made the mess or did they just not care? it’s whatever. I head towards the door but before I open the door I realise, I should tell hyung shouldn’t I?

he’s probably in his room, I head towards his room and start knocking.

“oh minho - yah what’s wrong?” he gets up instantly seeing me

“oh I just wanna walk around can I?” Why am I asking a grown adult as a grown adult myself? the things i do for this man.

“yeah, when your done let me know if your heading back here or back to yours, bye!” he says smiling at me.

he's so sweet it hurts i had to lie to him, but i'd rather lie to him then get yelled at yongbok the like 5th time today, i don't know if i have to strength within me to keep my sanity enacted. i head out and oh man does the air feel good, it feels amazing holy shit, i didn't realise how suffocating that dorm is no wonder hyunjin constantly runs away. i head towards wherever my legs go, to the han river. i haven't been here in years ever since we stopped going there i couldn't go back alone but it feels right to go back, to go back where we experienced every high and low of our relationship at.

i head towards the grass, sitting down felt like chore now it used to be so easy he'd just drag me down and we would start laughing at how easy i could fall and if i did fall he'd catch me every time, who would catch me now? the han river is so pretty, the couples walking around it look so happy and there was once a time i was happy too.

i shouldn't be out here for too long though, i know yongbok will start spamming my phone any minute, fuck i should come back here often it feels nice to say that again. i get up and as soon as i start heading the opposite direction i see karina.

"oh oppa? whole day no see! why didn't you come to dance class today where was hyunjinnie and yongbokkie? and what are you doing here i thought you would never come back here?" she stares at me like the big loser she always has been ever since we joined the dance class together, we used to be in the same dance crew and then she told me about this dance class we could do once she graduated and we both joined it together i've known her longer than half of the people in my dorm. well she knows about seungminnie so it feels pointless to lie to her.

"it was seungminnie, he got sa'ed again." i didn't really want to elaborate further she's been with me since we both became friends with him, she knows how i feel about him, even if i said nothing she would understand but i'd rather giver her context for this before she starts panicking something happened to me as well. she comes up to me and hugs me, she always knew how to help me she might be younger than me but she knows everything about me she reminds me of innie just older and more sweeter, sorry ayen - ah.

"its fine oppa i understand, don't worry i understand- we start walking together -can you pick me up tomorrow if you do plan on even coming tomorrow for class ningningie has to go for singing lessons tomorrow if you want you can ask if jeonginnie and seungminnie are going and she will pick them up too but i don't have a ride so could you pick me up? she looks up at me holding onto my hands with her legs crooked, oh jimin you will always be the no 1 loser in my heart.

"alright, if your begging this much the teacher must of said we are learning a good choreo tomorrow, which one is it?" i say taking off her hands from me and we start walking around the river she looks over to me and starts smiling "guess." she starts smiling and jumping around like a kid, oh i think i know what choreo it is. "its snsd sunbaenim into the new world isn't it?" as i said it she starts hogging me like a toy trying to make me jump up and down too, no wonder she was curious where i was today, shes such a 3 year old trapped in a dance fanatic's body its honestly so funny to see when she makes it apparent. "oh oppa one more thing, where does seungminnie go on thursdays and fridays? recently ningningie told me he doesn't even come and when she asks jeonginnie he say's she doesn't know himself?" she stops mucking around and starts talking with serious intent "he doesn't come?" i ask in full confusion, he always goes he loves it? this doesn't even make any sense. "well he is most likely going to go tomorrow we will see tomorrow then, thanks jiminnie do you want to come over or you heading home?" we start ending our lap around the river as we start slowing our walking pace "well ningningie isn't home so it might be boring all alone, do you still have the room left for me?" she asks with her big boba eyes staring at me like a little bug. "well obviously, jeonginnie did try stealing that room but i didn't let him because i knew you would come back eventually" i say smiling ear to ear, i'm always right about her. "yay! i knew you would, your so predictable oppa." she says as she clings onto my arm and we head towards my dorm, ill just text hyung calling him feels like a bother right now.

                                                                                                          -愛-

entering the dorms felt like i was bringing life again to this dorm, a quarter of mine and all of jiminnie's, shes gonna bring the soul that this dorm hasn't had for years even if its for one day.

"wow this dorm changed so much in a few years, its so empty? it used to be so colourful what happened?" she asks walking around admiring our dorm.

"we grew up thats what jiminnie." i say as i lead her to her room before i could jeonginnie comes up to me in sheer panic, what now?

"hyung, seungminnie won't get out of his room, he's not even listening to yongbokkie hyung he wont let anyone in he keeps yelling every time even a bit of our shadow goes in, could you- could you try?" he drags me by the wrist and reluctantly i follow, my legs do but my mind doesn't want too.

"hyung! its been an hour and he still hasn't came out can you open the door and check on him?" felix says with tears constantly rolling down his face, if he's asking me for help there's definitely something up.

i hesitantly open the door and as i go in i brace myself to get yelled just to be invited? as i walk in, i wish i never did.

i fall to the ground and cover up my muffled cries, the same scissors i used hours earlier in one hand and a note drenched in blood in another.

"minho hyung, did you hurt yourself because of me? if so ill do it for you too i don't want you to die before me so ill die before you instead."

Chapter Text

tw. self harm, brief mentions of potential ed.

now playing: ash - le sserafim (https://open.spotify.com/track/5o4U0weUIAXolji4sEAnjI?si=5235c533c7c64c92)

the first time i'm alone in his room alone in years and this is what i see, his scarred body who yearned for me, who died for me, who would do anything for me and all this suffering was because of me. it was all because of me.

me, me, me thats all i keep hearing because at the end of the day if i just tried a little more on the 22nd, if i cared enough about him after that and didn't let the trauma win, if i just treated him normally this wouldn't of went this far and now he's paying for it and i'm watching him pay for it instead, instead of trauma just consuming me its trauma and if's.

"minho hyung what happened?!" felix starts yelling all of the sudden, oh shit i forgot they are outside, i try clearing my face and get up well i can't let them in thats for sure, if i do they will start panicking and i'm not just saying this so they don't realise i self harmed a while ago or that so they don't yell at me i'm saying this because i don't want any of them to worry about seungmin more than they have today, i think if felix sees this he will deadass have a heart attack, he's seen worst sure but i think he's reached his limit even though he would never say it, its happened to me before and i never thought seungminnie was a burden but it gets to a point you know and whenever i tell him that he thinks i'm saying seungminnie is a burden when i never explicitly say that, ill just say that he's getting changed or something, yeah i guess that works?

i walk towards the door but before i could a hand grabs onto my ankle, if no one else was in the room i'd think someone broke in and tried to kidnap me which isn't as scary as seungmin almost being dead and still trying to reach me, thats scarier. fuck don't cry don't cry, he will think something is wrong whatever you do lee minho, don't cry. i slowly turn around and see who i thought i'd see, the seungmin from 2 years ago. my seungmin.

banging starts emerging again, luckily i locked the door or one of them would of definitely tried to break in and something about this lock is that no one can break it, its the only stable thing in this broken down dorm this time jiminnie tries getting my attention, i know you know everything about me yu jimin but you don't need to know about this. "oppa, are you okay? at least say something if your not going to let us in!" well she is helping me.

with my seungminnie on my ankle i try walking towards the door so they can hear me. "he's just getting changed and he didn't want anyone to come in because he was embarrassed he locked himself inside the bathroom, since me and him share the bathroom i know how to fix the lock don't worry he's fine i'm fine." are we fine? no. will i keep lying so i can keeping my kid's feelings intacted? yes.

i turn around to see the half dead body once again trying to grasp onto me out of all things, he cares about me too much for his own good why does he still care about me after i treat him like a stranger everyday. he looks up at me with blood stained all over his hands spreads onto my trousers, he's spreading any bit of life onto me and i don't know if i can live for both of us anymore, i don't know if i can do anything for him anymore, i'm useless i should of done this why did he?

my legs give in and i fall to the ground once more, it hurts everything hurts and no i'm not talking about the scars i made awhile ago everywhere but there hurts right now.

i watch the blood spread further and further towards my feet, his eyes start welling up and his dormant hand tries reaching for the scissors again, if i move again ill trip fuck. he tries moving the scissors towards his neck, what the hell is he really trying to kill himself in front of me? fuck i'm going to have to try and stop him but i really don't know how i'm suppose to?

i try slowly moving around him whilst he's not looking and before i even blink my eyes i launch myself onto the table and seungminnie turns around in shock as his hands quickly lets go of my ankle and the scissors, i watch fear emerge all over his face, was me jumping onto the table more terrifying than killing himself in front of me?

the banging suddenly increases again, they must of heard me leaping onto the table. "we are fine don't worry just something fell!" i get up and shift my attention towards my seungminnie once again, he tries to get the scissors again, what the actual fuck is wrong with him?

i'm gonna have to get someone in here, either jeonginnie or jiminnie, jeonginnie will just blame me and start yelling and he will probably die before anything will get resolved jiminnie on the other hand wont ask too much questions and actually figure out what to do before the questions come rolling in, what could i do?

i look around for anything that could be useful to only get her attention, is that seungminnie's phone? but i don't know his pin, fuck. well its either between his birthday or felix's birthday i highly doubt its mine there's more of a chance its jeonginnie's than mine, i enter his own birthday first, nope. felix's birthday? nope. jeonginnie's birthday? nope. mine...? no. it can't be...

it was 220923.

i fall to the floor once more, the most traumatic day of his and my life is his pin for a phone he uses everyday. keep stabbing me in the heart kim seungmin.

okay focus up minho, you got this stay strong just text jiminnie telling her, telling her what? fuck i didn't think that far did i? i start looking around to see anyway for her to enter, oh wait the joint bathroom. i find her contact, there's no way.

he named her hyungie's other half.

he's made everything he owns about me and him, i'm going to crash and burn, minho if u take anymore time the man who only acts like your the only person who exists on this earth will die, focus up.

21:01                                                                               hyungie's other half.

                                                                                         7 October at 20:10

                                                                                                        tell ningningie i’m not going

                                                                                                        to lesson tomorrow

                                                                                                  21:00                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

                                                                                                        jiminnie, it’s minho. go to my

                                                                                                        bathroom in my room

                                                                                                  21:01

                                                                                                        but don't tell anyone, just lie

                                                                                                        saying ur going to my room.

                                                                                   +   text message  .  RCS

                                                                                 ---———————————

he planned this beforehand huh? psycho. well he sent the message at 8:10 so it’s been awhile he has 10 minutes maximum before he actually dies, that’s scary, sure he’s attempted to take his life before but he’s cut deep this time to the point all the blood around him is just overflowing, oh come on yu jimin hurry u-

the sound of the door opening from the bathroom emerges, oh thank the lord she took awhile, I run towards the bathroom in an attempt to calm down the shock factor of the situation at hand.

“jiminnie before you say anything, can we solve the issue at hand from my knowledge he has 10 minutes at max.” she looks at me like i’ve killed her dog or something, she tries to remain composure and enters the room looking for a first aid kit.

wait there’s one in the bathroom, fucking he’ll why didn’t I think of this earlier? I head towards the bathroom and grab the first aid kit stored in the cupboards, I head towards jimin and before I could seungminnie did.

I drop the first aid kit in horror, he’s gripping onto her ankle and in the other he’s holding onto the piece of paper.

“don’t - don’t- read the paper, please minho hyung would - wouldn’t like that.” he’s gonna kill me and it’s gonna be today.

“seungminnie i have too, I need to see why you went this far.” she kneels down and softly grabs the paper out of his hand, I really don’t know if I’m fucked or not.

As soon as she reads the paper she looks straight at me signalling me to go over to her, if she yells at me too what was the point of calling her instead of jeonginnie? i hesistantly walk towards her, first aid kit in hand she looks like she could kill someone reluctantly i walk towards her, my feet drag against the carpet, why the hell am i scared of this big giant loser? without even being in close proximity of her yet she yanks my hand and- and...

hugs me?

"what did i tell you about hurting yourself oppa? just rant to me instead, ill drop everything to help you but this? look what's happened now when you decided to do this seungminnie is literally on his last legs, give me that." she takes the first aid kit and frantically opens up hoping for secure bandages, i don't think she knows how many times i've used those bandages and how many are still left.

"one, just one?" yeah, just one.

"where the hell are the rest? oh whatever i don't have time for this ill manage but stock up, if you can't help seungminnie at least do this for him whatever, its fine ill make use, which places has he cut really deep?" she looks up at me whilst meticulously trying to find a antiseptic liquid, i head towards seungminnie and trying to compress my emotions i start looking around his body, from what i think he slit his wrist the most. 

"the wrist." i walk towards the bed and end up sitting there for a good few minutes and the best got of me, i start crying i seem like such a cry baby, he cut at the same place he did-

"oppa, oppa!- she walks up to me and taps on my shoulder -ive cleaned his wounds and i put the bandage on his wrist he did pass out after i used the antiseptic whilst cleaning up his body probably from the mix of smells and the amount of energy he exerted trying to get our attention. can you help me lift him onto the bed?" with all the energy left within me i get off of the bed.

he looks so peaceful and 2 minutes ago i watched the life slowly disappearing from him, oh kim seungmin, please change.

we start lifting him, why the hell is he so light? doesn't yongbokkie feed him? is it because of all the blood that got drained out? we move him towards the bed and he's not even a little bit startled he's finally vertical after all this time, he must be really tired.

we set him on the bed, he's at peace all alone, so why does he still crave me after all these years i did all this to-

jiminnie taps on my shoulder "we should go oppa." she taps on my shoulder again trying to get my attention, i should leave but i can't, everything is luring me back here.

"oppa, for your own good lets go, please." she tugs onto my arm trying to make move, fuck why cant i leave? even though i cant she drags me off the bed and we end up leaving, i look back and he didn't even realise i left.

as soon as i exit the room the atmosphere changes, the shift in air is present because its not just seungminnie anymore instead i'm stuck with yongbokkie and jeonginnie who thought i did something to him, fucking hell.

out of nowhere felix grapples onto me "is he good? can we-" before i respond jiminnie does.

"he's fine, what about you guys though? do you guys see the time? its 9:30, how about you guys head to bed? seungminnie went to bed so i think we all should too." she starts walking towards felix's room trying to indicate they actually go to bed, she always helps me when i need it the most and i couldn't agree more only because if not i know felix will for sure try and see what happened with seungmin.

out of courtesy, or sleep deprivation who knows they start gravitating towards their bedrooms, thank the lord. 

“jiminnie thank you.” this time I actually wanted to hug her, as much as I understand that I deserve to get yelled at I don’t know how many more times I could get yelled at and act like I’m fine.

“it’s fine, how about we go to bed too?” without thinking i just nod and we part ways

all the sudden loud horns signal towards our dorm, oh ningningie is here for innie and seungminnie, oh wait seungminnie what are we supposed to do with him? Without hesitation i go to jiminnies room, wait where the hell-

-yeah ningning - ah he’s not going today but jeonginnie is, okay?”

she looks like a mess as if she just woke up yet she still tried to help me, if I weren’t into men and she weren’t in women maybe if we don’t find someone by the time we are 40 we should just get together for fun instead because you would treat me better than any man ever could. i silently thank her and i head towards yongbokkie's room.

without thought i knock on the door waiting for a response all the sudden the door swings open and shuts again, fucking hell is he still mad? i can't start this day off like this.

"lix - ah, lix - ah i know your mad at me but we can't miss dance class again, we already missed yesterday's lesson we can't miss another one, jiminnie really wants us to go at least for her?" i end up sitting down onto the floor, holding onto the handle hurts my wrist, how deep did i cut? i lean my head onto the door and as soon as i do the door swings open once again and i fall onto the ground, great!

he stares at me like i'm a psycho "hyung what the hell are you doing on the floor?" sigh. i get up and we head out, knowing felix he won't eat and i'm not really in the mood to argue about it right now he's a grown man if he doesn't wanna what am i suppose to do? force feed him? hell no.

once i head towards the door i realise, oh we forgot about jiminnie let me-

"hyung ill go with hyunjinnie, you can go with jiminnie, ill see you in class." without even saying bye he leaves the dorm, have i really fucked up this bad he cant even say bye no more?

fuck why is my hands shaking, him not saying bye is not that serious, what the hell is wrong with me these days.

"oppa where is lix?" she grapples onto my arm and tries looking around

“he just left with hyunjinnie, it’s fine.” My hands start shaking more and more, she’s gonna realise.

she stops in her tracks “obviously your lying, your pupils are shaking just admit your upset I’d understand you can’t keep acting like whatever he doesn’t doesn’t affect you when it does and it’s clear it does.”

well if lie she will figure it out, fuck. “okay fine I feel a little hurt, I never really thought he really thinks I want seungmin dead, it’s because- because he wasn’t here when they all left for the 6 month trainee program at jype he didn’t see how much- I loved him.” shit I’m stuttering I sound like a loser again.

Trying not to draw attention I unlock the car quickly trying to get in fast which would make her come inside the car fast too, I can’t believe Felix is making me act up. I start the car before I could start driving she puts her hand on the top of mine.

“do you want to go to lesson today?” She looks at me but all I see is the dedicated dancer that lives breaths dance, who wanted to join sm ent to be in the same ent company as snsd sunbaenim but gave up that dream because I didn’t want to be an idol, I could never make her sacrifice anything again.

“no it’s fine let’s go.” I reluctantly take her hand off mine and I start driving, she watches me the whole drive not once using her phone, why does she care about me so much?

once we arrive to the dance studio I spot yongbok and hyunjin and without even looking at me but I know, I know they saw me, yet they ignored me i get felix but hyunjin? what did i do to him? we've lived together for so long theres no way lix manipulated him to make me seem like i don't like seungminnie he knows how i am with seungminnie we legit lived together all three of us and in such a small amount of time? there is no way.

"oppa lets go, what are you staring at?" she drags my arm and we walk towards the studio, this is gonna be another long day.

as soon as we get into the dance studio i let go of all the burdens ive felt in the past few days dancing is what free's me from the burdens and i wont let it weigh me down, she was right we are doing forever 1 we watch as the rest come in and we immediately start, as much as i don't mention it i love this song too, i mean who doesn't but its so easy and fun to dance too but it makes it 10x better watching jiminnie being so excited and happy to dance to this, sometimes i think our dance insturctor favours her and probably purposely chose this song for her but i might just be reaching, yeah no im not.

throught the lesson i look over and lix just looks mad, like could kill someone mad i don't know why and all of the sudden-

"sorry, i just need to call someone ill be quick." without even hesitating he walks out? this isn't normal felix he would even hesistate to talk during a dance practise and hyunjin? hyunjin looks at him like its normal? have they planned something, must be.

what am i doing? i promised to let go of everything during the lesson, fuck sake.

i continue with the lesson trying to ignore them but i keep looking them to the point that even jiminnie noticed and she would never get distracted whenever we are learning a snsd sunbae choreo, shit i really gotta stop.

"alright 10 minute break." the teacher yells out and we all fall to the ground but i don't only because i didnt do jack shit the whole time, all the sudden jiminnie grabs my wrist and drags me to the corner.

"whats wrong with you oppa? your never usually like this even on your worst days you still focus in class i told you if you didnt want to come you didnt have too." we sit in the corner and i hand her my water, shes obviously upset but she would never admit it.

"im fine jiminnie but did you see how felix just left?" i try to divert the attention from me to him, i don't want to ruin her day by being concerned over me, she was so excited for this i won't ruin this for her.

"yeah, its whatever if hes going to be a bitch to you and treat you like dirt all you can do is ignore him really stop trying to concern yourself over them all the time." she pats my shoulder and gets up, sigh i guess break is over.

for the rest of the lesson lix doesnt show up for rest half of the lesson till we had 10 minutes left, whats going on? once he actually does come back he looks happier-

"okay thats it, good job guys next lesson is next week." he leaves before us and i stay behind because even though lix could easily come here with hyunjinnie he cant go home with him, bracing myself i walk up to him.

"lix we are leaving wanna come now?" i try using my softest tone to even indicate a little bit that i still care about him.

"i don't want to though?" he says with sass and just before he could leave hyunjin interrupts him.

"hes going with you, go lix - ah." he nudges him towards us and jiminnie gives him a silent plead of thanks, with hesistation he walks towards us, i cant believe im saying this, thank you hyunjinnie.

the whole car trip felix doesn't say a single word, i want to say something so bad but every time i even attempt to jiminnie stops me immediately, ill just talk to him when we get home.

as soon as we get home felix runs out of the car towards the dorm, what is he doing? obviously something stupid, without fail we also walk towards the dorm and behold its felix tugging onto seungmin like a mad man, before i could say something jiminnie says something

"yah lee felix what are you doing? let him sleep i thought you cared about him?" she tries to drag seungmin off him, trying to help i try getting felix off with his iron grip.

"let go, LET GO." he suddenly yells whats wrong with this guy?

"felix, why are you doing this, tell me and if its justified we will stop." she let's go of seungminnie and stares dead at him

"i've decided to move out with seungmin."