Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kara was sobbing in her room. Lately, her mind could only think of all the mistakes she had made. All of the people she had lost. All of the people she’d let die. All of the people she couldn’t save.

She couldn’t stop thinking about everyone she couldn’t save. She constantly had to hear people crying for her, and she couldn’t help all of them. She constantly had to hear all of the pain in National City. No wonder she was starting to take some of that pain.

She wished she didn’t need to take it all anymore. She wished it could all stop. But she couldn’t end it, as National City needed Supergirl. Her friends would be sad if they lost her too.

She wished she could stop thinking this way, but she couldn’t. She knew it wasn’t healthy. She knew she needed to ask for help. But she couldn’t. So she decided to journal. 

Lena went to Kara’s apartment to set up some stuff for movie night, but as she was grabbing some blankets from Kara’s room, she noticed a journal on the floor. She picked it up and started reading. She felt like she was invading Kara’s privacy, but she was worried. Kara had been acting off for awhile. She’d been skipping any event with anyone. She’d stopped going to game nights. She didn’t go out with Lena for lunch. She wanted to make sure Kara was ok.

Dear Diary,

I still think ‘Dear Diary’ is a stupid way to start off a journal entry. Anyways, I don’t understand how people can be so happy. Clark is so happy in his life with Lois. Alex is so happy in her life with Maggie. James and Winn are both happy. Lena is the only one who might not be happy. Maybe she’d understand. But if I talked to her about how I want the pain to end, she’d get worried. Everyone would. They’d suffocate me. That’s what happened back on Krypton when I told my parents I felt this way. They constantly were in the same room as me. They constantly checked in. I eventually pretended like I was fine. 

Lena felt her heart start to break. How could she not see that Kara wasn’t happy? She’d noticed something was off, but she didn’t know what. And she’d been keeping this secret for so long? She wished Kara had talked to her. Wait, Kara was Supergirl? Why didn’t she tell her? She needed to read more.

Dear Diary,

Lena bought CatCo. Now It’s going to be even harder to keep Supergirl a secret. Working with her will be nice. Maybe it’ll help. I really wish I could tell her I am Supergirl.

Lena wondered why Kara thought she couldn’t tell her she was Supergirl. She’s glad that having Lena at her work had helped.

Dear Diary,

A meta, Psi, restarted my panic attacks. I thought I had gotten over them. I was wrong. And now everyone knows about them. I had been able to keep them hidden when I arrived on Earth, but now everyone knows. I panicked and broke the elevator. We got her in lock-up before she could reveal anything else.

Kara had dealt with panic attacks before? And never told anyone? No wonder she seemed so off. That also explains the elevator. She’d been wondering why Supergirl had been riding in he elevator. What else could Psi have revealed?

Dear Diary,

Apparently someone started a cult. They are worshipping me. They all wanted to set off a bomb so that they could get more people to join. I had to show them I could bleed to get them to realize I wasn’t worth worshipping. The cut on my hand felt too good. I didn’t like how for once it gave me an escape from the pain in my head. I know it is dangerous to even start thinking this way.

With every entry, Lena felt her heart break more and more. How could she not have realized Kara was this bad? She hoped Kara hadn’t done anything worse. She needed to see more.

Dear Diary,

Lena was blamed for all the children with Lead Poisoning. Of course it was Edge. I dropped him on a shipping container. How could anyone be so evil? And how could Lena believe it was true? I love her. I really do. I wish I could tell her, but I haven’t told her I am Supergirl yet. I don’t know if I ever will be able to. It’s not fair to tell her until she knows.

She could have told Lena. What does she mean by she doesn’t know if she ever will be able to? Was she planning on never telling Lena she’s Supergirl? And she dropped Edge on a shipping container? Lena loved Kara too, she just hoped she could tell Kara before it was too late.

Dear Diary,

I just learned Mon-El is alive. He apparently traveled 1000 years into the future. He’s married now. I’m glad he got a happy ending. I don’t think he and I would have lasted long-term. He was never the greatest boyfriend, but that sense of kinship from both of us being the last to remember our planet was so helpful. It helped me not feel like I was suffocating so much. It was hard on me when he left. I think that is when I started drowning again.

Lena never liked Mon-El for Kara, he always seemed like a party frat boy, but now she understood what Kara saw in him. He could truly understand the pain that Kara felt from losing her planet. She realized there was so much more than being Supergirl that Kara had hidden from her. She’d kept just how depressed she was, from everyone.

Dear Diary,

I am drowning. I hear everything that’s going on in the city, all of the time. I can’t ever get a break, unless I solar-flare. But then I can’t keep National City safe like I am supposed to. Will I ever get a break? I don’t think so, not unless I am dead.

Lena started crying. Kara truly felt this way? She needed to figure out a way to help her, maybe some extra, industrial strength earbuds or something. Something to give Kara a break from all the noise. And Kara was thinking about death? She needed to do something, she just didn’t know what.

Dear Diary,

Of course nothing in my life can ever truly go well. I went to Barry’s earth for his wedding and Nazi’s from another Earth invaded. They tried to steal my heart to save their Supergirl. If it wasn’t for the fact she was a Nazi, I would have gladly let her have it.

Other earths exist? Lena was shocked. Kara was really not doing ok.

Dear Diary, 

I am so tired of pretending to be happy all of the time. I always have to have a smile on my face or people get worried. I hate the nickname ‘Sunny Danvers’. It’s fake. So much of me is fake. The pain just keeps getting worse. I got beaten up by Reign. Honestly, by the end, I was hoping that she’d just finish me off. But they saved me. I’m back to acting like I am fine. I think Brainy knows something’s wrong. He keeps asking me how I’m doing. I wish he’d just leave it alone. Now Lena and James are dating. I’m glad she gets to be happy even if I don’t.

Lena felt her heart breaking again. Kara deserved to be happy. Kara wanted to die? Would she actually take any action? Lena started worrying. She didn’t know what to do, so she continued reading, trying to see if there was anything she could do to help.

Dear Diary, 

I traveled to Fort Rozz with Psi and Livewire. They agreed to help us. We had to try and find the prisoner that made Reign. We discovered there are 3. Livewire died. I should have died instead.

Lena knew she was going to have to get Kara some help already. Who could she call? Alex would be a good option, but she’d seen how controlling Alex could be. J’onn might be a better option.

Dear Diary,

I blew up at Lena. She was making Kryptonite and I got scared. I was glad that the kryptonite had been taken by Clark, as it meant that I didn’t have the temptation. But knowing that Lena has kryptonite makes it too easy. I’ve ruined her trust now. I know I should tell her I’m Supergirl, but then I’ll never be able to have her as a friend. I wanted to tell her, but something came up every time. Alex and J’onn kept saying I couldn’t.

So Kara hadn’t been keeping the secret for no reason. She’d been scared of Lena’s reaction. And apparently had been told she couldn't by Alex and J’onn. No wonder Kara had reacted so badly to the Kryptonite. She was scared of her own thoughts if she had kryptonite alone.

Dear Diary,

I just learned that some of my people escaped Krypton and are living on Argo. I think after this, I’m going to go there, at least for awhile. Maybe it’ll help. My moms still alive. I don’t know how to feel. Could they have let me escape with them? Why didn’t anyone look for me? Or Kal?

Lena didn’t know that there were more kryptonians out there. Maybe they would help Kara not feel so alone.. And they’d never looked to see what happened to the kids they sent into space?

Dear Diary, 

We discovered that Sam was one of the Worldkillers. Lena had kept her locked up to keep her safe. I can’t stop thinking that if I’d opened up to Lena and told her the truth, we would have been able to help her sooner. Alex is trying, but maybe it could have happened sooner.

Lena knew she would have told the DEO sooner if she’d known Kara was Supergirl, as she didn’t trust the DEO, but if Kara was there, she’d have been able to make sure that the DEO stayed on the right side of things and treated Sam ok.

Dear Diary,

Every day I feel more and more like I am drowning. I can’t escape the constant pain. I beat Reign, but barely. I had to see everyone die and time travel through a wormhole so that I could beat her. We got rid of Reign, but Sam still has superpowers. I’m expected to train her now.

“Oh Kara. How could I not have seen this?” Lena said out loud. How could she not have realized the pain Kara was in.

Dear Diary,

I only got to go stay at Argo for a little bit. Mon-El seemed like he wanted to get back together, but I told him no. He has a wife now, and our relationship was never the healthiest for either of us. We both were using it to try to escape the pain of losing our worlds. We only got to stay for a little while before some Kryptonian witches stole our ship and we had to rush back to Earth to keep it safe.

Lena couldn’t imagine how that must have felt. Getting back something you lost, and then barely getting any time before you had to lose it again.

Dear Diary,

Apparently James is Guardian. Why didn’t he tell me? I got mad at him for it. He doesn’t understand that being a vigilante, or a superhero, means you will eventually die. I went into becoming Supergirl with that in mind. I hope for it. He doesn’t understand that.

Lena was shocked by that revelation. Kara was Supergirl, even though she expected to die. She apparently had hoped for it. No wonder she was so mad at James.

Dear Diary,

I did something awful. I had James go and see if Lena still had any kryptonite. I wanted to know in case I finally need to end it. He told Lena, and now Lena hates me even more. I wish I just didn’t wake up tomorrow.

That’s why Kara wanted to know. She wanted to be able to kill herself. Lena started panicking even more. 

Dear Diary,

We defeated Reign, once and for all. Winn went to the future. Brainy stayed behind. Just another person I have to lose. I should have known things were too good to be true.

Lena didn’t even know what to think. Kara expected to lose people? She had seemed oddly ok with the thought of losing Winn. She must have just been putting on a happy face.

Dear Diary,

I am done with life. I can’t handle it anymore. Everything is too overwhelming. Hearing everyone’s cries for help that I can’t help out with. The expectation that I will fix everything. Reign’s finally gone. I’m not needed any more. I ruined any chance of being able to fix my relationship with Lena. I can’t keep lying to her after everything I did. Alex will be ok, she has Maggie. Lena has James, even if their relationship is on the rocks, they’ll be able to help each other. I wish I had succeeded on Krypton. I’m too broken for life. I’m going to do it after my trip to Earth-1 so I can see them one last time. 

Kara had tried on Krypton? And she was going to try again? Kara was supposed to be back from her work trip in an hour. The work trip was probably another lie to cover for Kara being Supergirl. She was upset that Kara had kept it a secret from her, but she couldn’t dwell on that. She needed to make sure Kara was safe. She decided she would continue with the surprise movie night plan and not tell Kara that she had read her journal yet. 

She waited for Kara to return. While she was waiting, she broke up with James over the phone. She’d never really liked him that much and he had been on thin ice already. She’d much rather be with Kara, or at least be able to be a good friend to her. She ended up being early. Kara stepped out of the breach, and for once, Lena saw Kara without a smile. As soon as Kara noticed Lena though, a smile immediately popped back on her face.

“Hey Lena, what are you doing here?” Kara asked. A brief flash of panic showed on her face. She was still in her Supergirl outfit.

“I thought we could have a movie night.” Lena explained.

“I know, I should have told you I’m Supergirl. I didn’t want you to find out this way.” Kara said. She looked like she was ready to cry. “Of course someone always has to stop it.” She mumbled.

“Stop what?” Lena asked, still worried that Kara was going to kill herself.

“I was going to kill myself when I got home.” Kara explained. “But you ruined it. People always do. They come home at the wrong time or notice the missing pill bottles.” Kara said. She collapsed to the ground. “When am I ever going to be able to escape this pain?” She asked. She’d started sobbing.

Lena went and sat down next to Kara. “I can help you Kara. Our friends can help you. You have so many people who care about you, who wouldn’t want you gone. Let us help you for a change.” Lena started stroking Kara’s hair.

“How are you supposed to be able to help me? I’m broken. I was broken on Krypton.” Kara said.

“By letting me be there for you. You aren’t broken. You are just struggling.” Lena said. “Let’s go sit on the couch, and you can tell me as little or as much as you want.”

Lena helped Kara up and onto the couch. Kara put her head in Lena’s lap and just cried. Lena let her, stroking her hair as Kara sobbed. Once Kara calmed down a bit, Lena started talking.

“I read your journal. I’m sorry, but I was worried about you.” Lena said.

“So you know everything? You must hate me.” Kara said. “I’ve been so selfish.”

“No you haven’t. I love you too Kara.” Lena said. “I have some ideas for how I can help. I can make some kryptonian grade earbuds, so that you don’t have to hear everything. I don't have any Kryptonite anymore. I promise. I think though that you should take a break from being Supergirl and let me help you get better. That is the one thing you were right about. Other people can worry about National City. You can worry about yourself.”

“So you aren’t mad about me not telling you I’m Supergirl? You're still willing to help me out?” Kara asked. “Even after everything?”

“I’m upset, but I’m not mad. I think I understand why. Alex and J’onn kept telling you it was a bad idea, but I could see you wanted to tell me. I see why you were scared to tell me. You didn’t want me to hate you.” Lena said. “Darling, I could never hate you. I love you too much for that.”

“You do?” Kara asked. 

“Yes I do. First, before we talk anymore though, I need to be able to make sure you are safe. I need to know what your plan was, Kara. I know it's going to be hard, but this way I can help stop you if in the middle of the night you think it’s too much.” Lena’s face was serious. She needed to be able to keep Kara safe.

“I was going to use some Kryptonite I took from the Fortress.” Kara said before starting to sob again.

“Where is it?”

“Under my bed in a lead box.”

“I need to get it out of here. Who would be a safe person to give it to?”

“Alex. But I don’t want to talk to her right now.” Kara said. “I don’t want her to know.”

“We need to get it out of your apartment. I’m not going to take it to my apartment, as your sister will wonder why I have it if she finds out. You need to give me someone who you are ok with me giving it to.” Lena said.

“J’onn.” Kara decided. “He won’t pry too much.”

“You want me to call him?” 

“Yes please.”

“Hey J’onn, can you come over? Kara has some Kryptonite she needs to get rid of. Don’t tell Alex or the DEO.”

“You know Kara is Supergirl? Why does she have Kryptonite? Why can’t I tell anyone?” J’onn asked.

“Yes. It’s a long story. All you need to know is it’s not safe for her to have it. It’s in a lead box, so it’s not hurting her right now.” Lena said.

“Is she ok?” J’onn asked.

Lena looked at Kara. “She will be.”

“Ok. I am on my way. I’m flying over.” J’onn said.

He waited outside the door for Lena. “Here you go. Give it to her cousin. You need to tell him to restrict her access to Kryptonite. She can’t have any access unless someone else is with her.” Lena said.

“Please keep her safe. You have my number and I’ll text you Superman’s number in case you need our help keeping her safe.” J’onn said. He knew that Lena would be the best person to help Kara through this.

J’onn left, and Lena went back to Kara. “Let’s have some ice cream. It makes hard conversations easier. You have any or should I get some?”

“Of course I have some. It’s in the freezer.”

Lena went to the freezer. “Looks like you have vanilla or cookie dough. What do you want?”

“Cookie dough.”

Lena came back to Kara with some ice cream. “How are you feeling after our conversation?”

“I still want to die. But it’s a little better.”

“Will you promise to at least try? I can help you find a therapist. We can all help you.”

“I’ll try.” Kara said. “Can we just sit and watch some tv or something?”

“Of course Darling.”

Chapter Text

Kara started a new medication. She continued to act fine. Everyone thought she was getting better. She wasn’t. She was still as broken as always.

Dear Diary,

Day one

I had my first therapy appointment today. Emily said to keep a journal and write down my thoughts after every appointment. Afterwards, I felt like for the first time, maybe I could actually get through this. She started me on an anti-depressant. It should help the pain not feel so overwhelming. She finally put a name to what is wrong with me. I’m not broken, I’m depressed. I still want to die, but I promised Lena I would try to get better, and I intend to keep that promise. 

Dear Diary,

Day two

I told everyone else why I’d stopped going out as Supergirl and why I was taking the next few days off of work. No one was mad like I’d expected. They were all just concerned. They all promised that they’d listen if I ever wanted to talk. Lena and I officially defined our relationship. We’re girlfriends now. We have our first date tomorrow after therapy.

Dear Diary,

Day three

Therapy today was rough. The past two days we’d been making sure I was safe and going over some basic coping skills. Today was the first day we started talking about my past, about the first time I tried to commit suicide. It felt good to finally tell someone. My date was amazing though. Lena and I went to the zoo. We got to see all of the cute animals, and I was reminded of everything I would miss out on if I died.

Dear Diary,

Day four

Today at therapy I talked about all the people I lost. I finally did the prayers for my family and friends. It didn’t help the endless pain, but I needed to do that before I die, which everyday seems to be getting sooner and sooner. Something needs to start helping soon.

Dear Diary,

Day five

 At therapy today I talked about how it made me feel when Clark just left me with the Danvers. Don’t get me wrong, I love Alex and Eliza, and would never change it, but you don’t just leave a teenager who lost her whole world with strangers. I finally talked to him and he apologized for it. I also talked to her about how I felt so lost when I came to Earth and wasn’t able to teach him about Krypton, and realized that teaching Sam about Krypton helped. 

Dear Diary,

Day 6

I return to work tomorrow. I should be able to fake being ok at work. Lena gifted me a pair of Kryptonian grade earbuds this morning so I can actually get a good nights sleep, as long as the thoughts in my head don’t keep me up.. She’s the only reason I am still alive. I can’t let her down.

Dear Diary,

Day 13

I went to work today. When I got there, my coworker Issac immediately accused me of being Lena’s favorite as I took the week off. He said it was only approved because I was fucking her. While the second part of that statement is true, the first part isn’t. I blew up at him and told him all about how I was going to kill myself and she stopped me. I told him how I’d tried to kill myself multiple times before. I told him how he needed to shut up and stop judging other people. Then I went and cried in the bathroom. Why can’t my brain just be normal?

Dear Diary,

Day 20

I’m still not feeling better. I don’t think I ever will. I am going to keep trying, for Lena.

Dear Diary,

Day 27 

It was so hard to drag myself out of bed this morning. I just wanted to suffocate in the mattress. But I got up and went to work. How long does it take to get better?

Dear Diary,

Day 34

I don’t think I will ever get better. The medicine hasn’t been helping. The pain hasn’t gotten any better. Everyone’s still cautious around me, like I’ll snap if they say something wrong. The worst part is, they’re right. I made a new friend today though, Nia. She’s nice.

Dear Diary,

Day 41

People are still checking on me constantly. No one ever really gives me a moment of peace. Probably because they are scared of what will happen if I’m left alone. Even I am.

Dear Diary,

Day 48

People finally started leaving me alone. I’m glad for that. The medicine isn’t helping. I don’t think it ever will. I have been able to keep it together so far. What happens when I can’t anymore? Apparently now I am going to help stop a crisis sometime in the future. That won’t happen. I’ll be gone by then I’m sure.

Dear Diary

Day 55

I’m so close to giving up. My friend Nia turned out to be another alien. She has dreams of the future and dream powers so National City will be ok without me. Only Lena is stopping me. I know when I am gone, it’ll hurt her, so I’m trying to give her as much time as I can. It’s not much though. 

Dear Diary, 

 Day 62

The thoughts of death are constant now. I can’t stop thinking about how good it would feel to finally end the pain. Any day now it’s going to happen.

Dear Diary, To Lena,

Day 65

If you are reading this, I am dead. I’m sorry. I really tried. I tried Lena, I really did. I am so sorry. I just can’t handle it anymore. I lie awake all night thinking about death. I can’t stop. I am still drowning in pain. I know I promised. You’ll be ok. You have everyone else. You’ll get over me. Eventually, you’ll realize I was never worth caring about.

Kara wrote her last entry to apologize to Lena before she figured out how she wanted to die. She decided to solar flare and kill herself with just some basic kitchen knives. She laughed. Supergirl, being killed by something so simple and basic. 

Solar flaring felt so good. She felt so normal for once. She didn’t have to hear the whole city. She didn’t have to be so cautious with everything. She made the cuts, and welcomed the sweet release of death. As she was bleeding out though, she started thinking about everything she’d never get to do or experience if she died. She started thinking about all the people she wouldn’t be able to help.

So she called Lena. “Hey Kara. What’s going on?” Lena asked.

Kara knew she couldn’t say much. “I did something stupid. Please don’t hate me.”

“I could never hate you. What’s going on?” Lena asked.

“I need you to get me.” Kara said. Her words came out slurred due to the blood loss.

Lena started panicking. “Where are you? What’s going on?”

“Home.” Kara said. “I don’t want to die. Please don’t say I’m going to die. I don’t want to die.” Kara repeated over and over. Her vision was going black when she heard someone fly in. She smiled before passing out.

Kara woke up in a white hospital room. Lena was sleeping in a chair next to her. She had bandages on her arms. She realized she’d lived. She was actually happy. She’d realized when she was so close to death that she wanted to live. She wanted to actually get better. Not just for Lena, but for herself.

“Hi Lena.” Kara said. 

Lena sat up. “Oh thank god you are awake. You’ve been asleep for a week. You came very close to dying.”

“I know.” Kara said. “But I’m not going to try again. I am ready to live. When I was almost dead, I realized I wanted to truly live.”

Lena smiled. “I know. We’re going to help you through this. But you need to be honest this time. No pretending like you are fine when you aren’t.”

“Ok.”

Alex came in. “How are you feeling Kara?”

“Ok.” Kara said.

“How about mentally?” Alex asked.

“Not the greatest, but now I actually have hope. I was missing it before.” Kara said, causing Alex to smile.

“Did Lena tell you what happened after you called her yet?”

“No.” Kara said.

“She texted all of us. Sam flew you here. You lost so much blood that he had to give you a transfusion. We didn’t know if you would make it.” Alex said. “Now that you are awake, I am going to call your psychologist Emily. I told her what happened already.”

“Ok.” Kara said. Alex left the room and Lena helped Kara get out of the hospital gown and into some fresh clothes. 

Emily was there within half an hour. “So Kara, I heard from Alex what happened. I’d like to hear it in your own words though.”

“I tried to kill my self. But as I was dying, I realized I was going to miss out on so much if I did. I realized I wanted to try to actually live.” Kara looked over at Lena before continuing with the next part. She knew it might hurt Lena. “Before, I’d only been staying alive because I didn’t want to hurt Lena. I hadn’t been doing it for myself.” Lena looked upset at the news.

Emily finished taking notes before she spoke again, for the benefit of both Kara and Lena. “Staying alive for other people can be a good strategy, but only short term. Otherwise, you aren’t truly living. You’re just surviving. Now, what was going through your head right before this?”

“I was thinking about how I’d tried living for Lena. But it hadn't worked. I was still in a lot of pain. I wasn’t getting better, even though I may have seemed like I was.” Kara said.

“Why did you hide the pain? Act like you were doing fine?” Emily asked.

Kara thought for a moment. She didn’t know if she had the best answer. But it was an answer. “I didn’t think it mattered. I didn’t think I would ever get better, so why does it matter.”

“What changed your mind?” Emily asked.

“When I was dying, I realized I’d never truly tried to get better. I had just pretended like I was.” Kara said.

Emily wrote down more notes. “I think you are finally on the right track to doing better. I want you to stay here for monitoring for three days so we can make sure you are safe. I’ll come back and see you each day. I’d like to up the dose of your anti-depressant. I wasn’t sure if it would be strong enough given your history and the length of your depression. In the future, if you ever, and I mean ever, start to feel this way again, tell someone. We can’t help you unless you let us.”

“I will. I really want to get better.” Kara said.

Emily left, and promised to come back tomorrow. Now Kara was going to have to see everyone. They’d all heard she was awake and were waiting outside her room to see her. They waited for Emily to leave and all flooded the room. Everyone was there. Nia, Sam, James, Brainy, Alex, Maggie, and J’onn.

“I am glad to see you are awake.” Sam said. “Don’t scare us like that again.”

“I’ll try.” Kara said. She knew she couldn’t promise, but she’d try.

“That’s all I’ll ask.” Sam said.

“Why didn’t you tell any of us? You know we’d have been willing to talk.” Nia said.

“It’s harder than any of you know. Why would I bother to talk to anyone when my brains convinced me it’s hopeless?” Kara asked.

“Maybe lets avoid those questions.” Lena said. 

“I am going to try, for real this time though.” Kara said.

“You can’t get out of training me that easily.” Sam joked. 

James looked shocked. “Dude you shouldn’t say that.”

Kara just started laughing. “Thanks Sam, I needed a laugh.”

Maggie opted not to say anything and just hugged Kara. Brainy did the same.

“I’m glad to see that I didn’t have to lose another daughter.” J’onn said. Kara smiled at the verbal confirmation that J’onn cared about her enough to consider leaving her.

When everyone left, Lena helped Kara unwrap the bandages. She told her that the scars were permanent. Apparently the cuts had been so deep and had healed too much before Kara got her powers back that they would be a permanent reminder of how bad she’d gotten. Lena comforted Kara as she cried. 

Kara had to stay at the DEO for another 3 days and at home, she still had to have someone with her at all times for another week. This time when she went back to work, her coworkers didn’t ask her any questions. They checked in on her more often, but left her alone. 

They all saw the scars though. She tried to hide them, but she’d take a cardigan off forgetting about them or her sleeves would ride up and show the scars.

Kara’s recovery wasn’t linear. There were multiple times she had to wake Lena up in the middle of the night so Lena could talk her down. She didn’t attempt again, but she came close a couple times. 

It took her 3 months to finally stop thinking about how freeing death would be. Even though she wanted to live now, she couldn’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to be free from the pain. One day though when she was talking with Emily she realized she hadn’t thought about dying in a week. She celebrated with Lena with ice cream on their way home. 

It took her another 3 months to not feel like she was drowning all the time. 

Six months after the attempt, she got her first-and only- tattoo. A semicolon butterfly. She wanted the reminder that she had chosen to keep going and that her story didn’t need to end.