Archive of Our Own ^beta

,Hey James...' Oliver was sitting on a beach, somwhere in Del Norte. Without James. 
He did that sometimes. Oliver would say Jame's name with the intention of telling him something. It always took a minute to realize, James, was no longer there. 
,Come back...be here.'
He thought of one particular night. 

They were both pretty drunk. That was an understatement. They were very drunk. Maybe even more drunk than on the night somebody stole all their clothes. Right here. In Del Norte. 
Anyway. It was cold, yet they were both lying on the wet ground. Next to each other. Grinning like two idiots. 
,You look so pretty when you smile.' Oliver said without meaning to. 
,That's funny.' 
,It wasn't a joke.' Oliver didn't mean to say that either. It must've been the alcohol talking. 
,God I could kiss you right now.' That stunned him to silence. It took him a few moments to realise he wasn't imagining things. 
,You're drunk.' He brushed James off. 
,Well of course I am. But I could kiss you even when I'm sober.' 
,James you're talking nonsense. I think it's time to get you to bed.' 
,Noooo! Oliie I don't want to go to sleep.' He protested, crazily waving his hands. 
Oliver didn't say anything. He just dragged James to their room. 
When he threw him on the bed. Oliver thought James would pass out. But he didn't. 
,Ollie, why won't you kiss me good night?' James asked. Tossing and turning in his bed, like a baby. 
,Because you are drunk James. You'd hate yourself in the morning and me.' Oliver explained with patience. 
,Oh no Oliie I could never hate you. If you won't give me a kiss then lie with me at least. Give me that satisfaction. Neither of us will remember it when the sun shall rise upon us.' He sounded almost mad. Like he had lost his mind. 
,Fine,' Oliver lied next to James's warm body. At that moment he felt so comfortable. So safe. Like in a bubble shielding him from the outside world. 
And when the bubble popped he would be alone. Again. Panic settled inside him. So he did the one thing he could think of, that would ground him in the moment. Oliver kissed James. 
It was raw and pure. Not like anything he had imagined. And yes, Oliver imagined kissing James countless times before. But that couldn't even compare to what it was like for real. 
James tasted sweet. Like honey and cinnamon. He tasted like autumn. He was beautiful. He was perfect. He was James. 
 ,Hmm. Good night Ollie.' James muttered. 
,Good night James.' He said sniffling the boy's hair. 
Oliver was woken up by the sun. Shining directly in his face. Imideatly he felt James's absence, from his arms. 
Suprisingly Oliver remembered almost everything from last night. Apparently he wasn't as drunk as he had thought. 
And apparently James did too. 
He was sitting on Oliver's bed. Deep frown lining his forehead. 
,Good morning. Is everything all right.' 
,Look, I uh- I messed up. Last night. I don't want things to change between us. So can we just- I don't know. Go back to friends?' He must've been thinking about this all morning. 
Oliver didn't want to go ,back to friends' but he didn't dae to say so. 
Instead he just said: ,Okay,' 
And that was it.  

Oliver looked in front of him. At the endless sea. That stretched far beyond what the human eye could capture. He just kept thinking. That Jame's body was lying there. Somwhere. Never found. Never buried. On the bottom of the ocean. Alone. 
Or...
Maybe not. 
After all no body was found. He could very well be alive. Living his best life. Without Oliver. 
He saw a person swimming towards the shore. A man. At this hour it was strange. 
So strange that Oliver let himself to believe it could be James. 
That he came back. 
To their spot. 
That he would never leave Oliver. No matter what. 
That he waited. For ten years. So they could be together. 
Oliver would hug him, and kiss him. Tell James to never leave again. Make everything better. 
Tell him, he doesn't want to go back to friends. When they could be so much more. When they are so much more. Were. 
He didn't want it then and he didn't want it now. But Oliver would made peace with it. Just if James came back. 
The closer the man got, the more he looked like James. 
At that point Oliver just stared at the man. 
,J-James?' He said quietly. Scared, confused, hopeful. 
,You alright man?' 
Only to realize Oliver had never met the man that stood before him. 
It was just... Just not him. 
,I just thought I knew you. Careful... T-the water. It's dangerous to swim alone in there.' Oliver blabbered. 
The man probably realised it was not the best time for Oliver. So he just clapped his back muttered a small ,thanks' and left. 
Oliver didn't even know he was crying. But he was. For the first time since... James. 
,I hope you are a star. I hope you're looking down at me. I hope you regret leaving me. I hope you see how miserable I am without you. I hope you wish you never left at all. And I'll forever wish we didn't go back to friends.' 
Hot tears streamed down his cheeks as Oliver yelled at the sky. 
,How can you expect me to live without half of my soul?' 
That was his last desperate call. Before he sank to the sand. Unable to move. Unable to do anything but letting the darkness swallow him whole. 
As he fell asleep with the memory of falling asleep with James.