Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kate had known going into dinner that the night would be difficult. Reagan wasn’t one to budge, and Kate knew this was the case. She also knew she had to try anyway. Henry deserves that much. All Kate has ever wanted is to give him stability.

Now, as Joe puts Henry to bed, Kate stands in the kitchen, wine glass in hand, with Teddy beside her, attempting to console her. She gulps down the glass and pours another in an attempt to self-medicate. Teddy grabs the bottle and moves it away from Kate. “Whoa, Kate, maybe let’s cool it on the wine, yeah?” he comments, watching Kate’s expression change. “We’ll figure this out.”

Kate shakes her head, biting back the bitterness threatening to explode. “You know Reagan, Teddy,” she counters, anger creasing in her brow. “She will never give up. She won’t stop until she takes everything I’ve worked so hard to build.” She puts her glass on the counter before snatching the bottle and taking a large swig from it.

Teddy takes the wine bottle from Kate, closing it with the cork before turning his attention back to her. “We’ll find a solution to this,” he repeats. “She might hit hard, but we can hit harder. We just have to find something to leverage against her.”

Kate’s hand balls into a fist. “How, Teddy!? She ties up her loose ends, crosses her T’s and dots her I’s. There’s nothing to find!” She fights the tears that threaten to fall, but to no avail. She can’t control it anymore. God, Kate just wants to sink into her bed and disappear forever. Teddy doesn’t know. Teddy can’t know.

Teddy shakes his head, opening his mouth to speak, but the sound of Kate’s fist hitting the table hard startles him. Instead of whatever he was going to say, he takes Kate’s hand in his. “Kate…” he exhales, studying Kate’s face. “What’s going on? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this upset.” Teddy notices a few rogue tears sliding down her cheeks. Kate Lockwood doesn’t cry, not in the time Teddy’s known her.

Before Kate can answer, Joe returns to the kitchen, wrapping his arm around Kate’s waist. “Hey, you,” he grins, pressing a kiss to the side of Kate’s head. Kate smiles weakly, posture stiffening when Joe comes close. He rubs her back soothingly, an attempt to take the edge off. She picks the glass up again, using it as an anchor.

Teddy doesn’t notice Kate stiffen, but he does see the placating smile Kate’s always worn when she has to be perfect, has to fit standards she can’t. He watches Kate take another sip of wine and sighs. “Kate, I promise we’ll handle this—”

Joe cuts Teddy off. “Why don’t you head home, Teddy?” he interrupts, his tone stern and forceful. “It’s been a long day, and Kate just needs some space.”

Teddy opens his mouth to respond, but words fail him. He inhales before speaking, “Why don’t we ask Kate what she wants?” He tears his gaze from Joe to Kate. “What do you want, Kate?”

Both sets of eyes bore holes into Kate’s skull. Joe’s fingers dig into Kate’s hip, reminding her of the part she has to play. She forces a smile, her grip tightening on her glass. “I’m tired, Teddy,” she responds quietly. “Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

Teddy doesn’t miss the tone in her voice, the tired one that says, I’ve been fighting too hard for too long. Kate’s always been strong, and this time is no different. He dips his head in acknowledgement. “Okay, heard. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.” And with that, Teddy leaves the penthouse, leaving Kate and Joe in the kitchen alone.

Kate closes her eyes as she steps away from Joe. “Is he down?” she asks, the unspoken he being implied.

Joe exhales, not taking his hand off Kate once. “He may need a check-in later,” he answers honestly. “I’ve never seen him this upset before.”

Kate sips from her glass, steeling herself, keeping her emotions in check. “Ever since Bob, everything’s gone wrong…” she confesses. “It feels like we’re being punished.” Kate laughs quietly because if she doesn’t, she’ll burst into sobs. “First Henry, and now Reagan—”

Joe cuts Kate off, the pads of his fingers digging into Kate’s arm. “She just accused you of killing Bob in a room full of people,” he snaps. “That’s a problem for us, Kate.”

Kate avoids Joe’s eyes, attempting to pull her arm from his grip. “Well, thanks to Teddy, she may have moved off that. For now, anyway…” She pauses, swirling the wine in her glass to keep herself from downing it all. “We can trust Teddy. Reagan, though, is another story.”

Joe takes a step toward Kate, who flinches. “What if I talk to Reagan the same way I talked to Bob?” he offers.

Kate stares at him, her jaw dropped. “Joe, you…” She stares at him, flabbergasted his mind jumps to murder. “You can’t think that’s a reasonable response, can you?”

Joe moves closer, making Kate run into the counter. “She’s not gonna stop, Kate,” he presses. “You heard her. If she has people looking into you, they’re bound to discover what Bob had on both of us.”

Kate shakes her head. “Joe, no. We are obviously not killing my sister!” Her voice cracks. She wants to scream but knows she can’t. “Forget it. We’ll just… We’ll find another way.”

Joe’s eyebrows furrow. “Your sister—”

Kate interrupts him, anger bubbling over. “Stop it! That is not who we are!” she yells, tears threatening to fall.

Joe scoffs, like he’s so above this. “‘Not who we are,’ hmm?” He shakes his head and corners Kate against the kitchen counter, a fire burning so bright it scares her. “There isn’t a line I wouldn’t cross to protect this family.”

The tears Kate has been trying to hold back finally fall. “So… So, what? You…” Her voice cracks. “You want us to kill everyone who becomes suspicious of us for the rest of our lives? Where does it end, Joe!?”

Joe slams his hands on the counter on either side of Kate. “It ends when you and me and Henry are SAFE!” Kate jumps, her brain working overtime. 

Kate exhales shakily. “Can we please talk about this tomorrow?” she asks quietly. “I don’t want to have this fight tonight.” She infuses her words with the sickly, syrupy sweet tone she knows can placate him, something that can keep her safe. “And Reagan isn’t wrong about suggesting Henry see a therapist. There is violence on all sides of this family, Joe.”

Anger encapsulates Joe’s face. “Right, but he couldn’t have got that from you,” he argues. “So this is about me, isn’t it? I’m violent, so my son will be, too.”

Kate shakes her head. “No, I never said that. I would never say that.” She reaches out a hand to rest it on Joe’s chest. “It can’t hurt to give him more help than he needs.”

Joe’s body shakes as rage takes over. “My son isn’t violent!” he yells.

Kate shushes him instinctively, trying to calm him. “Let’s breathe, yeah? We don’t want to wake Henry up now that he’s down.”

What Kate thinks this will do couldn’t be further from the truth. Kate wanted to keep Joe calm, to talk him down from the edge, but that’s not how Joe takes it. His vision is red, his expression defensive, ready to pick Henry up and run. Kate doesn’t take her hand off Joe’s chest, not at first.

Not until Joe moves in a way she never thought she’d see.

Joe seethes, his anger boiling over. Before Kate can speak again, analyze his reaction, Joe grabs the wine glass from her hand and throws it at the wall behind her. Kate’s breath catches in her throat. She knew he’d had a violent past, sure, but she didn’t realize that he never stopped being violent. 

Kate had never expected Joe to be capable of this, of physical violence. There were parts of him that Kate knew, but she was always under the impression that Joe would protect the woman he loved, wouldn’t pose a physical threat to her.

Now, though, she realizes that was naive. She should have realized that he needs to be in control, needs to know that he has her unwavering loyalty. Kate had never had a reason to question being loyal to him. She had never once thought that maybe she should. 

Once the sound of shattering glass fades, Joe realizes what he’s done. The fear is written all over Kate’s face, and Joe wraps her up in a hug before she can process what just happened. He tucks her head against his shoulder and runs his fingers through her hair. Kate tries to quiet her sobs, but it’s no use. “Shhh, I know, I know,” Joe soothes, as if he isn’t the reason she’s in distress.

Kate’s knees threaten to give. Joe eases Kate onto the floor, not letting go even for a second. He cradles Kate in his arms, squeezing her reassuringly. Kate wraps her arms around Joe’s neck, desperate not to let him go. She shifts, gasping as a shard of broken glass slides against her skin. Blood drips down her leg, pooling on the floor underneath.

Joe pulls back, seeing the tears staining Kate’s face and the cut on her leg. “Let’s get you upstairs and into the shower, yeah?” he states, less as a question and more as a command. Kate nods in agreement, tired and sticky, not in the mood to argue with him. He pushes to his feet and carries Kate upstairs to their bathroom. He sits Kate on the toilet, disinfecting the cut as he preps the shower for her. “We’ll handle Reagan as we always have,” he concludes. “Together.”

Kate winces as Joe wipes the cut. “Gah! Could you at least warn me before you do that?”

Joe closes the rubbing alcohol and puts it away. “Sorry, sweetheart.” He presses a kiss to the side of Kate’s head. “I’ll be back after I clean up the kitchen.” With one last smile, one soft caress to Kate’s cheek, he slips out of the room, closing the door behind him.

Kate slips out of her clothes, dropping them unceremoniously on the floor. She grips the sink like it will keep her upright. “Okay, Kate,” she mumbles. “One shower, that’s it.” She steps into the shower.

And that is where she went wrong.

As soon as the hot water hits Kate’s skin, her balance wobbles. She grips the tile as floaters fade in and out of her vision. She reaches to turn the water off, but before she can change it, her vision goes black, her body falling into the bathtub with a loud thud.

Kate had a history of passing out like this, but it was something she only shared with Joe when it resurfaced. She’d been fine for years, once she’d been able to get away from the stress of her family, but since being named successor to her father’s empire, her symptoms have returned, worse than ever. The first time it happened, Joe had panicked when Henry said he had found Mom on the floor in the living room, passed out. Joe ran in, picked up Kate, and asked, “What the hell happened, Kate?” (“Don’t swear in front of Henry,” Kate scolded in return; Joe was relieved when Kate was joking with him like everything was fine.)

Now, though, he knows what to do. Joe dumps the dustpan with the glass shards he cleaned up when he hears Kate hitting the floor. He drops the dustpan on the floor and runs up the stairs, panic coursing through his veins. He swings the bathroom door open and throws the shower curtain open, spotting Kate collapsed in the tub. He turns the water off and pulls Kate up, brushing her hair out of her face.

Another 30 seconds pass, and Kate’s eyes flutter open, blinking blearily. When Kate returns to consciousness, the first thing she recognizes is Joe’s face. “When…” she mumbles. “When did you get here?”

Joe exhales a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Like 45 seconds ago,” he answers. “You haven’t passed out in a long time…” He studies Kate’s face. “Are you feeling okay? What happened?”

Kate leans into the hand Joe has in her hair. “I dunno, Joe.” She closes her eyes. “I wish I could explain it to you. That would be so much easier.”

Joe brushes his thumb across Kate’s cheek. “I understand. Do you want me to stay with you while you finish your shower?”

Kate goes to argue, to tell him she can handle it, but when she goes to stand up on her own, another wave of dizziness hits her. She covers her eyes, trying to will it away. But, as expected, that does not work.

Joe takes Kate’s hand from her face. “Kate…”

She sighs heavily. “Yes,” she admits. “I need your help.”

—

20 minutes and a lot of grumbling later, Joe manages to wrangle Kate into her comfortable clothes. He ushers her into their bedroom, watching as she takes each step. Kate rolls her eyes. “I’m not going to break, Joe,” she chides.

He shakes his head. “That may be true, but I don’t want to find you passed out in the hallway,” he shoots back. “I only want to support you, Kate. You do know that, don’t you?”

Kate sighs softly. “Yes, I know, love.” Without another word, Joe eases Kate onto their bed. Her eyes grow heavy as soon as she slides under the covers. Joe turns to leave, but Kate grabs his arm. “Will you come to sleep with me?” She pauses before adding, “Please?”

Joe can’t hide the smile that spreads across his face. “Let me finish cleaning up the kitchen, but after that, absolutely.”

True to his word, he returns 3 minutes later, sliding into bed beside her. By the time he returns, Kate is half-asleep, fighting to stay awake until he returns. As soon as he crawls under the covers, he drapes his arms over Kate’s body. “I’m here, Kate,” he whispers. “You can sleep now.”

Chapter Text

The wine bottle in Kate’s hand clinks against her glass as she pours shakily, like she’s on the verge of breaking but restraining herself as much as possible. She doesn’t know why she feels this way, like her emotions have been dialed up to 11. She’s never been emotional, not like this. It’s like she doesn’t understand anything about herself anymore.

When Joe enters the kitchen, Kate meets his eyes, sipping from her glass. “Did you speak to Maddie today?” she asks, cutting to the chase. She should probably be a little less blunt, a little more subtle, but she’s not feeling particularly nice today.

Joe looks like a deer in headlights at the question. “No. Why... Oh, my... my voicemail,” he responds, almost like he forgot he left the voicemail. Kate won’t forget that look on his face. “I’m sorry. I... tried to dig up some scandal about your sisters on my own. It was harmless, but I should have known better. Nothing of substance ever comes from a celebrity subreddit.” He pauses before adding, “Besides, it seems like you handled Reagan well enough on your own.”

Kate takes a seat on the island stool. “You know, I do want to work these things out together.” She crosses her arms, subconsciously trying to protect herself, trying to keep her emotions from growing too strong.

Joe takes a seat opposite her and leans over. Kate doesn’t like the way his eyes scan over her face like he’s searching for something. “Yeah? Then why push me away?” Kate can’t look at him. She stares at the counter, focusing on breathing.

After quelling her anxiety only a little, she pulls her gaze up. “I cannot be some... black-hearted Lady Macbeth. Since you, um... Since we did the thing, I can’t sleep. I lie awake,” her voice cracks, “paralyzed. Just replaying, searching for ways it could have ended differently.” She picks up her wine glass, taking a sip. “If I do nod off, the... the nightmares are... horrifying.”

Joe smiles, reaching for Kate’s hand. “To be fair, that sounds exactly like Lady Macbeth,” he jokes.

Kate laughs. “I’m serious, Joe.”

Joe squeezes Kate’s hand. “I know.”

Kate exhales with more force than she intends to. “There was a time when I could read your mind.” She wipes away a tear from her cheek. “And I don’t know when that changed. Joe... Help me understand. Why are you not suffering the way I am?”

Kate jumps when Joe reaches for her hand. He hesitates, seeing her reaction. “Because I stopped feeling guilty about this part of myself when we left London,” he answers, as if it’s that simple. “You’ve helped me play nice for three years, and it’s been fine. But I need a purpose.” Joe exhales, controlling himself as much as he can. He touches Kate’s hand, and this time, she doesn’t flinch. “I need a purpose, Kate. And when I can protect you and protect Henry... I feel not even remotely guilty. In fact, I’m starting to think it’s what makes me special.” A horrified expression must spread across Kate’s face as Joe continues, “And when you look at me like that, it’s painful to be so misunderstood. You read my pages and recoiled. That part of me isn’t scary. It’s romantic. Because it’s not random, and it’s... it’s actually not bloodthirsty. It’s for you.” The tone in Joe’s voice is almost pleading, like he’s desperate to get Kate to understand.

Kate rips her hand from Joe’s grip with an intensity that scares both of them. “I don’t want that,” she whispers, like she’s afraid to speak any louder.

Joe leans over the island, itching to be closer to Kate. “I have to think that part of you does,” he responds. “Why did you cover up so much of my past? Why would you send me after Bob?” Kate glances away from Joe. He turns her head back to meet his eyes. “Kate, I married a queen. Fierce and powerful. Not to be fսckеd with.” Kate fights the tears that threaten to fall, but it’s a losing battle. “And I know that person is still inside of you. Let me be your knight. I need to be of service. Let me help you make the world better. Please.”

Kate exhales, her breathing shaky. She knows that she’s losing control over her emotions, but she can’t help it, even though she really wants to. “You can help me. Just any way, but that,” she concludes, wiping her eyes as the tears fall. God, she’s pathetic, crying for no reason. What is going on with her?

Joe also notices Kate’s unusual display of emotions, something that had been suppressed in her by her mother. He isn’t sure what to do with them, to help Kate feel better. He wipes a tear from Kate’s cheek, seeing a look in her eyes he’s never seen before. “Are you okay, Kate?” he asks, keeping his hand on her cheek.

Kate’s resolve won’t falter now. Kate Lockwood is strong, powerful, and someone you don’t want to piss off. “I’m fine,” she answers flatly. Something deep inside of Kate snaps, something that she’s desperately trying to keep down.

Joe knows this tone of voice all too well. He’s seen Kate do this before, and he’d be damned if he’d let Kate feel that way again. “Kate…” He tilts her head up. “You know you can tell me anything, don’t you?”

Kate doesn’t respond at first. Joe watches as her expression shifts through every emotion until it lands on neutrality. “I think I’m just tired,” is what Kate lands on. Is it true? Yeah. Is it the whole truth? Maybe not so much. She can’t explain it to Joe, not here, not now. Hell, she doesn’t even know.

Joe nods, pushing to his feet. “Let’s get you upstairs to bed.” Kate follows Joe’s lead as he guides her through their home, watching her as she goes up the stairs. He stops once they’re in the bedroom. “I’ll give you some space to get ready for bed. If you need me, I’m right downstairs.” He presses a kiss to the side of Kate’s head before slipping away.

As soon as Joe’s gone, Kate knows what she needs to do. She steps into the bathroom and closes the door, leaning against it with a huge sigh. Kate stares at the brown paper bag sitting on the sink, knowing what it holds. She steps over to the sink and opens the bag, pulling out a pregnancy test. “I can’t be,” she whispers, trying to convince herself that she might be right.

Her hands shake as she tears the box open. Kate Lockwood has never been this nervous, but knowing she could be pregnant, bringing a baby into a hostile environment, much like Joe’s childhood had been? She couldn’t do that. That child deserves better.

Tears slip down Kate’s cheeks as she takes the test. She paces the bathroom as she awaits the results, the anxiety of not knowing making her skin crawl. She couldn’t be, though, could she? Every time she and Joe have been intimate like that, they’ve always been careful, haven’t they? There’s no way.

Finally, the 3 minutes pass, and Kate’s not sure she can bring herself to look at the results. She has to, but she doesn’t know if she’s strong enough. What if it says… Kate shakes her head. She can’t go there. There’s no way.

But when Kate finally musters the strength to look, her stomach drops. Two lines. The second line isn’t faint at all, meaning there’s no room for error. Kate Lockwood is pregnant, and she’s not sure what to do. Part of her wants to confront Joe, asking him how the hell this is possible. That part wants him to be excited, to share in the joy of another addition to the household. Another part of her wants to get an abortion and move on. No reason to put the child she would carry for 9 months into the unstable situation that is Joe Goldberg.

But the more Kate thinks about it, the more it hits her. Something is wrong. Kate pulls open the cabinet under the sink where she knows they’ve stored condoms, keeping them safely out of Henry’s reach. When she reaches out to grab the box, she notices that her hand isn’t going in the box but around it. She pulls it out into the light to see it when the realization hits her.

This box is closed, meaning Joe’s been lying to her this whole time about being safe, about making sure Kate was as comfortable as possible.

Nausea curls in Kate’s stomach. He’s been fucking lying to me this whole time!, her thoughts scream. She can’t believe it. Or, well, she can but wishes she couldn’t. Panic seizes her, so she does the only thing she can.

She calls Teddy.

The line rings twice before Teddy answers. “Kate?” his voice crackles over the line. “What’s up?”

Kate tries to hide her sniffle, but it’s louder than she wants it to be. “Fuck, I’m supposed to be stronger than this,” she scolds.

A pause. “Kate…” Teddy exhales. “What happened?”

Kate can’t restrain the sob that escapes her lips. She wants to, but she can’t. She’s glad she can’t see Teddy’s face right now because she couldn’t bear to see the worry in his brow. “I’m pregnant, Teddy,” she admits after taking a few breaths.

Teddy waits before saying anything. “Is this something you and Joe have talked about?”

Kate’s grip tightens on her phone. “No, not really, we’ve never talked about it. I didn’t realize he…” She tries to chase her train of thought as it slips away. “I didn’t realize he’d not used protection the last time we…” A choked sob cuts her off. “I’ve been so careful this whole time! I didn’t think he’d stoop this low and lie to me like this.”

Teddy’s long exhale crackles, breaking the silence in the room. “Do you know he didn’t?”

More tears slip down Kate’s cheeks. “I’m staring at the box of unopened condoms in our bathroom, so… yeah, Teddy, I’m pretty sure he didn’t.”

A long pause hangs between them. “Alright, I’m coming over to pick you up. Be ready in 5.”

Kate’s breath catches. “Oh my God, thank you, Teddy.” As soon as Teddy hangs up, Kate peels herself off the floor and swipes a makeup wipe aggressively across her face, removing the facade that would hide the redness of her eyes. She hopes that it’s not obvious, or that Joe will be so caught up in his own head that he won’t notice. She throws a change of clothes and all the essentials in a small bag that she swings over her shoulder as she quietly starts down the stairs.

Kate glances at her phone, waiting for Teddy to text, when his voice cuts through her thoughts. “I thought you were tired, Kate,” Joe says, almost enough to convince Kate that he’s worried.

Kate almost jumps out of her skin. “Jesus Christ, Joe,” she swears, pinching the bridge of her nose. She takes a breath, hoping it’s enough to slow her heartbeat. Her fingers wrap tightly around her phone, trying to think of the reason she’s up. “I… I can’t sleep,” she lies, avoiding Joe’s eyes. “I was thinking I’d go on a walk to clear my head. Thought that maybe that would help.”

Joe wraps his arm around Kate’s waist. The subtle hitch of her breath is something they both notice. “Why don’t I come with you?” he offers, but Kate knows it’s not an offer. It’s more of a push, a demand. He doesn’t say it, but Kate knows the rules: she can’t go anywhere if Joe isn’t with her. She needs to think of a lie and fast. “It can be dangerous out there for women at night. Wouldn’t want something to happen to you, sweetheart, now would we?” The pads of Joe’s fingers dig into Kate’s waist.

Kate presses a kiss to Joe’s cheek. “I appreciate the concern, love, but I can handle myself. I’m Kate Lockwood, in case you’ve forgotten.” She caresses his cheek with her hand. “Besides, someone has to be here for Henry. And I’ve got my phone if I need anything.” Kate steps toward the elevator, but Joe’s hand clamps around her wrist. She stops, turning to look at him.

Joe closes the distance between them. “I don’t like this, Kate. You going out in New York City at this time of night by yourself? I know we live in a safer place, but that doesn’t make it perfect. I don’t like the idea of you heading outside alone.” He rests his forehead against hers. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

Kate nods, kissing him briefly before pulling back. Her phone vibrates in her hand. A text from Teddy, saying he’s here. “I promise I’ll be okay.” And without another word, Kate slips out of the penthouse.

—

When they arrive at Teddy’s, Kate’s tears have dried, but her eyes are bloodshot. Her eye bags have darkened. They step into the room, and Albie ushers them in, thrusting a glass into Teddy’s hand. “Thank you, Bee,” Teddy greets, resting his other hand on the small of Kate’s back, like he’s worried she’ll collapse or disappear if he lets go.

Kate doesn’t realize she’s shaking until she stops moving. She didn’t say anything on the ride here, and Teddy knows what that means. It means Kate’s shutting down, her anxiety taking over in a desperate attempt to keep herself safe, to bite before she gets bitten.

Albie joins Teddy at Kate’s side, helping her to the couch. “Do you want me to stay, T?” he asks, noting the empty look on her face. He places a glass of water on the coffee table.

Teddy glances at her before looking back at his husband. “Not for now,” he answers. “I think Kate needs some space right now.” Teddy runs his fingers through Kate’s hair. She doesn’t react. “I’ll let you know if something changes.” Albie nods and leaves the room.

Once they’re alone, Teddy speaks again, knowing that Kate is spiraling. “Kate,” he emphasizes, trying to reach her. She doesn’t respond. He shakes her shoulders. This breaks her dissociative state. “Kate… you’re shaking,” he observes, putting the glass of water in Kate’s hand.

Kate looks at her hands. She hadn’t realized how much this news rattled her, and now that she’s stopped to breathe, she’s going to break into a million pieces. “I don’t know what to do,” Kate repeats. “I’ve always wanted kids, but I…” Her voice trails off. “I don’t know if this is what’s best for us. Henry is one thing, but a new baby? I don’t know if that’s good for our family right now.”

Teddy pulls Kate in for a hug. “We’ll figure this out, Kate. We always have.” He’s not sure who he’s trying to convince more, but when Kate breaks down in tears, Teddy’s heart shatters. “Kate…” He scratches the nape of Kate’s neck, letting her sobs seep into his shoulder. “It’s okay to feel all of these things. You’re allowed to not have all the answers.”

Kate’s arms wrap tighter around Teddy. The puffiness around her eyes only grows. “I don’t know if I want to go through this, Teddy.” Her voice cracks. Every part she’s tried so desperately to control is falling apart before her eyes. “I’m so tired.”

Teddy squeezes Kate tightly. “I know you are, Kate.” He rests his head against hers. “You don’t have to make any decisions today. But it’s your choice, always. If you want to terminate, then we’ll find someone discreet. If you want to continue, we’ll make it work. It’s always whatever you want.”

Kate can’t stop the few tears that slide down her cheeks. “You’re my biggest cheerleader,” she jokes. “Thank you, Teddy, really. I needed to hear that.”

Teddy smiles. “I know you did.” He lets the silence stretch before continuing. “Why don’t we go upstairs and get you ready for bed?” Kate doesn’t put up a fight, allowing Teddy to take her bag and help her through the routine of getting ready for bed. She doesn’t realize what’s happening until Teddy is easing her into bed. “We’ll talk more in the morning, yeah? And also get you home relatively early.”

As soon as Teddy turns off the lights and closes the door, Kate’s asleep almost instantly.

Chapter Text

Kate manages to make it home without a hitch, finding that Joe and Henry aren’t home. She glances at her phone, realizing that it’s 8 am, meaning Henry would already be at school. She’ll have to catch up with him when he gets home.

And then Kate goes to confront Reagan, which backfires once again. She’s out of ideas now, unsure how she can keep doing this when Reagan always seems to bite back, mutually assured destruction. Kate reluctantly comes back home, following the downward spiral of her anxiety.

When Kate returns to the apartment, she finds Joe in the kitchen, drying the dishes he’d just washed. “Hey, welcome home,” Joe greets, eyes meeting Kate’s. “Did you eat yet?”

Kate shakes her head, pulling her gaze from Joe’s. She leans against the counter and crosses her arms. “No, no, I’m fine,” she lies. Nausea kills her appetite, even if she knows she should eat something. “Joe, uh, we need to talk.”

Joe slides the kitchen drawer open. “What’s up?” He puts the silverware in the drawer, waiting for Kate to speak. She doesn’t. Joe stops moving. “No.” His voice trails off. “What’s... What’s wrong?”

Kate bites her lip, like she’s debating telling Joe the truth. Is she sure she wants to open this can of worms? She knows she has to, though. “It’s Reagan,” Kate begins. “She knows everything that Bob had on us, and she’s out to prove that you killed him.”

Joe stares, almost like he’s trying to keep himself from laughing incredulously. “That’s bullshit,” he replies automatically. “She’s lying.”

Kate shakes her head again. “No, she’s not.” A long pause settles between them before Kate speaks again. “Listen, I’ve been thinking for hours, and I’m... I’m going to resign.”

This time, Joe can’t hold back his disbelief, laughing, but when he sees Kate’s seriousness, he returns to reality. “What?”

Kate exhales heavily, knowing that Joe isn’t going to be happy with her words. “It’s the only way to keep us safe,” she emphasizes, trying to sound firm, like this won’t change, no matter what Joe says.

Joe studies Kate’s face for any expression, any change that he’s getting through to her. There’s nothing on her face. “You’re... You’re going to give up?” Joe can’t believe what he’s hearing. Kate has never given up on anything. Not in the time he’s known her.

Kate closes her eyes to keep her composure. “It’s better this way. I should have done it sooner before... Bob.” The guilt rages like a fire underneath her skin. She shouldn’t have stooped so low.

Joe reaches out to touch Kate, his hands finding Kate’s arms. “What does that mean? What are you saying?” he asks, desperately hoping what he thinks she’s saying isn’t true.

Kate tears her gaze from Joe’s, turns her face away from him. “I told you that I wasn’t willing to lose myself to this,” her voice wavers, “to become like him.” She doesn’t have to say his name. They both know who she’s referring to. “It’s really... It’s not worth it. I’m done. I’m sorry. It’s over.”

Joe tries to turn her head back toward his. She doesn’t let him. “It doesn’t have to be over like this. I can help you!” Kate pulls away from his grip, headed toward their living room. “Where are you going?”

Kate doesn’t even try to add inflection to her voice as she tells him flatly, “I need a drink.” She knows she shouldn’t be drinking while pregnant, but she’s anxious and overwhelmed. Sue her.

Joe follows Kate into the living room. Why won’t Kate listen? Won’t let him help? “Can this not be a discussion?” he pleads, trying to reason with her.

Kate pulls a glass from the stack, setting it down with a clink. “No,” she answers monotonously. “Because how many times do I have to tell you ‘no’?” She opens the whiskey and pours herself a tall glass. “I won’t do things the way that you want to.”

Joe’s brows furrow, but he’s restraining himself. He won’t make the same mistake as before. He won’t scare Kate with physical violence again. “You think Reagan will stop if you resign?” Joe knows that this will get under Kate’s skin, make her think about the long-term effects of this decision.

Kate’s grip tightens on the cup. “We don’t have any other options,” she shoots back, meeting his fire with her own. “I have money... I have money in an offshore account. We can leave the country. We can start over.” She doesn’t love the idea of running, but she has to think about what’s best for everyone. Kate worries about what stress like this will do to her baby in and out of the womb. But she can’t tell Joe that, not yet.

Joe shakes his head, closing the distance between him and Kate. “No, no, no. We’re not leaving New York,” he argues. “You know there’s nowhere we’d be safe as long as she’s coming after us.” There’s a fear in his voice, like he’s regressing to childhood with his mother’s abusive boyfriend.

Kate’s facade cracks, with tears threatening to fall down her cheeks. “I can’t. Joe, I won’t,” she whispers, voice cracking with despair. “I... I was looking at my sister’s smug face today and I realized... I wanted her dead. I was so shocked by how easy it would be to come home and give you the go. Because you’re right, it is. It’s... It’s in me.”

Joe takes Kate’s arms in his hand, like she’s finally seeing him. Like she’s finally accepted that he can help her. “And I love that about you.”

Kate tears her arms out of Joe’s grasp, moving away from him. Joe doesn’t like the way she looks at him, an expression of humiliation and disgust. “Just because I acknowledge it does not mean I accept it,” she bites, emotions boiling over. “I despise that part of myself, and I despise the fact that you won’t even try to control it in you.” Her fingers tighten around the glass even more, so much so that her knuckles turn white. “This is murder we’re talking about. I am not a queen, you are not a knight, this is not some romantic fantasy.” Joe looks wounded, like he’s been shot. “This is reality. We accept our losses. We move the fսck on. All we need is each other.” Kate’s expression softens. All she’s ever wanted is to be loved and happy. “You, and me, and Henry. Isn’t that enough?”

Joe watches the self-loathing and despair settle into Kate like a festering wound, like it is all that she’s worth. He promised himself that Kate would never feel like this again, not while he was alive. Joe takes the glass out of her hand and puts it back on the drink cart. “Of course,” he whispers, wrapping Kate up in a hug. He supports her head with his hand, tucking it against his neck like it’s always been meant to fit there. “You don’t have to keep it all in anymore, Kate. You don’t have to be strong for me.”

Kate’s composure snaps. She wants to pull away, to tell Joe that she doesn’t want his comfort. But the truth is that she needs those words more than anything else. She doesn’t want to run from his touch. She wants the comfort, wants to believe that she’s lovable. As a child, Kate had to prove she was worthy, had to hide her feelings to be seen as human. Her mother never loved her in the way she needed, and now, Kate struggles to see herself as worthy of love.

Joe has always reminded Kate that she doesn’t need to prove herself to be loved. He’s always loved her imperfections, admired that she’s willing to be so vulnerable with him. Kate can’t forget that.

Now, Kate sees Joe’s imperfections, too. Who would she be if she turned up her nose at him? All he wants to do is protect her and always wants what’s best for her.

Strangely, being vulnerable with Joe tonight made the weight bearing down on her chest ease up. She breaks into sobs, unrestrained and raw. Why can’t I have something good for myself?, Kate’s thoughts anxiously add. She tries to curl into herself into a ball in an attempt to hide, to shrink herself down and be unnoticeable.

Joe picks Kate up as she curls into herself, carrying her gently up to their bedroom. He places her softly into bed, wiping tears out of her eyes. He glances down the hall to check on Henry before closing their bedroom door. Kate curls up in their bed, an empty expression on her face. Joe knows this look well. Kate’s dissociating, removed from her body as her anxiety shuts down her ability to feel. “You don’t have to hide your feelings, Kate,” Joe whispers, sliding into bed beside her. He wraps his arms around her, shifting to be closer.

Despite knowing how dangerous Joe is, Kate finds solace in his body being pressed against hers. The warmth it brings reminds her that she’s not alone. Maybe Joe isn’t so bad, Kate thinks. He just wants to protect me. There’s a comfortable silence between them until Kate’s brain supplies, So why haven’t you told him you’re pregnant yet?

The unease settles in Kate’s stomach again. Joe notices the change and keeps holding her. “Kate,” he whispers into Kate’s scalp. “You’re safe, I promise.” He repeats it as many times as he needs to until they both feel Kate’s body relax. Kate’s muscles refuse to release, keeping her from sinking into the bed and into Joe. “I will be here when you wake up.” He squeezes Kate in for a hug, massaging her lower back, knowing where her chronic pain is localized.

Joe always knows how to get Kate to relax, allowing her to sleep deeply, and tonight is no different. The comfort of Joe’s presence, even though Kate’s relationship with him is fraught, is enough to ease Kate into a comfortable sleep.

—

What Kate couldn’t have known at that time was just how much Joe had lied to her about his past. She finds out about Joe’s past—all of it—and realizes that she doesn’t know the man she married at all. She never knew. Maybe she should have, but why would she? She wanted to believe the best about him.

Now, though, Teddy sits on the couch with her, holding her close while she sobs. “Kate…” he consoles softly, not daring to speak any louder. “I am so sorry.” Kate exhales shakily, and Teddy shakes his head. “Oh, come here, come here, come here.” He cradles Kate’s head with his hand. “You’re okay, Kate, I promise.”

Kate sniffles, pushing herself to sit up. “Ugh,” she groans, eyes puffy and red. “I know, I know it’s not…” She inhales, exhales. “I know it’s not what I should care about, but I just feel…” her breath catches, “...like such a fool.”

Teddy shakes his head. “Yeah, no. That is not what you should be doing,” he cuts in before Kate can continue spiraling. “Putting this all on yourself. You... you believed in love. You believed in your marriage.” He sits Kate up, watching the way her face crumples. He has never ever seen her like this.

Kate blows her nose with a tissue. “Why did I ever curse myself with him?” she complains, her hand resting on her stomach. Now, Kate’s even more confused about what to do with this baby. Should she tell Joe? Does it even matter? Does Kate want to be a mother like this, even if she’s alone? What if this just shows she’s not fit to be a mother? Kate’s about to spiral further when she sees Teddy’s face. “What?”

Teddy shakes his head. “I know that look on your face,” he comments. “You’re questioning everything about yourself, aren’t you?” Kate’s non-answer serves as an answer enough. He sighs. “Well, now that you no longer need to protect him, are you finally gonna tell me the truth?” he presses. “Who did you marry?”

Another strangled sob escapes Kate’s lips. It breaks Teddy’s heart to see his sister like this. “I didn’t know,” Kate confesses. “I told myself that we could just have the ‘happily ever after’…” she inhales shakily, “...and ignore the ‘before’ that was all behind him.” In retrospect, her naivety surrounding Joe is foolish at best and dangerous at worst. What if she’d believed him? Followed him blindly? Let him ruin everything they sought to build?

Teddy tilts Kate’s face up to meet her eyes. “What was the ‘before’?” he asks warily.

Tears slip down Kate’s cheeks as she knows what has to be done. “In London, he told me that he had done some things in his past.” She knows how naive and idiotic it sounds, but Teddy deserves the truth. “Things that I allowed myself to believe that he’d done to protect himself, the people that he loved.”

Teddy’s grip on Kate’s arms tightens. “What kind of ‘things’ are we talking here?” He doesn’t want to jump to worst-case scenario, but if it’s got Kate torn up like this… It can’t be good, can it?

Kate avoids Teddy’s eyes as she answers, “He hurt people. Worse.”

Teddy raises his eyebrows. “Worse?”

Kate squeezes Teddy’s hand like he’s the only thing keeping her grounded, and to be fair, he is. “Recently, I’ve been looking into everything he’s done,” she admits, “and I’ve discovered things that he hadn’t told me. Like the fact that he cheated on his last wife with a woman who has since gone missing.”

A flicker of fear crosses Teddy’s face. “Who is this?”

Kate scoots closer to Teddy, as if that’s possible. “Her name is Marienne Bellamy. She was a librarian who worked with Joe. Their affair began a few months before Love Quinn supposedly killed herself.”

Teddy’s hand tightens on the glass Kate had given him. “Supposedly?”

Kate can’t bear to look at Teddy’s face as she tells him the rest of the story. “I... I read that his ex went crazy, that she tried to kill Joe,” her voice breaks. “That was his version, and I believed it. I helped sell it. Bob…” A sob crumples her expression.

Teddy shakes his head. “That was him, wasn’t it?” Kate avoids his eyes. “I knew it. I asked you.” Teddy pushes to his feet. “Kate, you are not safe. I don’t feel safe being here.”

Kate scrambles to her feet behind him. “No, we are... We are safe,” she assures, not sure who she’s trying to convince more. “As long as he doesn’t know that we know.” She steps toward Teddy, reaching out for him. He meets her in the middle. “Look, we have to act normal, okay? We have to.” Teddy sees the fear on Kate’s face while she’s pleading with him. “While I work out an exit strategy, one that guarantees that I get Henry.”

Teddy runs his hand through his hair, trying to keep calm. “But you have to go to the police,” he urges. “He cannot get custody if he’s in jail.”

Kate shakes her head. “It’s not that simple.”

Teddy stares incredulously. “Why not?”

Kate reaches for Teddy’s hands, squeezing them tight. “Allow me to handle this. I can do this,” she pleads. Teddy turns to leave, but Kate doesn’t let go. “Please, Teddy, trust me. I know, I know. I’ve been asleep, but I’m not anymore. I promise you.”

Teddy exhales, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Okay, Kate,” he concedes. “We’ll do it your way.” A pause. “Are you going to tell him?”

Kate laughs as tears slide down her cheeks. “No, Teddy,” she answers simply. “I don’t want anything to do with him.”

Teddy watches Kate wobble on her feet. “Let’s sit you down right now, yeah?” He ushers Kate back down to the couch. He waits until he sees her come back to before speaking. “What do you want to do about it?”

Kate closes her eyes. “I don’t know.” She exhales shakily, trying to keep her voice level. “Part of me wants to tell him, to see how that changes him. See him be excited about having another addition to our little family.” She smiles warmly, like reliving a happy memory. But it does not last for long, as storm clouds enter Kate’s expression. “But another part of me knows that he wouldn’t be excited, that it would feel like another chore for him. He already treats Henry like an extension of himself, not as his own person.”

Teddy sighs. “I know there’s no easy solution to this, and you have to decide what’s best for you.” He wraps Kate up in a big hug. “If you want to continue with this, I know someone who works at Planned Parenthood. If you want to see how far along you are, I can assure they’ll be discreet.”

Kate wipes tears from her eyes. “Thank you, Teddy. For all of it.”

Teddy hugs her tight. “Anything for you, Kate.”