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“David, thank you so much for helping with the side dishes.”
“Of course, Marcy.”
“Patrick always did like being outside manning the grill with his dad better.”
“Well, I’m more than happy to help you, especially when it means that I get to taste-test all the delicious food before it’s served.”
“Yes,” Marcy chuckled, “that is your specialty. Is the fruit salad ready?”
“Almost, just cutting up the watermelon.” David held up a chunk of the dark pink fruit with a proud smile on his face, then popped it in his mouth. “Oh my god, Marcy! This is the best watermelon I’ve ever had! Is it from your garden?”
“No, we didn’t plant any this year.”
“The farmer’s market?”
“No, dear. I’m afraid it’s just from the grocery store.”
David ate another piece and let out a moan. “It’s so sweet!”
“Well, I just know how to pick them, I guess.”
“Yes you do!”
“I just followed that one tip that’s been all over online….you know the one.”
“I assure you I don’t.”
“Oh, well…” Marcy hesitated.
“What is it?”
“It’s a little crass. But it works!”
“Marcy, I’d love to hear what you consider ‘crass’. You know that I’m not easily offended.”
“Ok, well….the saying is…'The tighter the butthole the sweeter the fruit.’”
David all but choked on another piece of watermelon. He really was trying to add most of the fruit to the bowl, but he couldn’t resist.
“I’m sorry, what did you just say?!”
“Don’t make me repeat it.” Marcy blushed.
“What, um….I’m afraid to ask, but what does that mean exactly? Uh. In relation to watermelon?”
Marcy grabbed one of the ends of the watermelon that David had sliced off. “See the little spot there? The smaller it is, the sweeter the watermelon is supposed to be. It hasn’t failed me yet.”
“Oh. Um, I see. It’s just, why….why is it worded like that?!”
“Why is what worded like what?” Patrick chose that moment to enter the kitchen through the back door, giving David a small peck on the cheek. “Burgers are almost ready, you guys done in here?”
“Yep, yup. All good,” David replied.
Patrick popped a chunk of watermelon in his mouth, “Mmm. Good watermelon.”
David’s eyes widened with that comment and he tried to suppress a grin.
“What? What’s going on? What were you guys talking about when I walked in?”
“Nothing!” David almost shouted, which earned him a confused look from Patrick. He glanced over at his mom.
“I was just telling David how to pick out the best watermelons at the store. That’s all.”
“Oh, yeah, you look for the yellow spot. That means it ripened longer on the vine. Giving it a good knock doesn’t hurt either.”
“Nope, honey. Neither of those tricks.”
“Oh? Is there another way to tell?” Patrick asked.
“Sure is,” David responded. “Marcy, why don’t you tell him.”
“Well. It’s just something I learned on the internet. I don’t know what the big deal is…it’s just worded kind of silly.”
“Okay? What is it?” Patrick inquired.
“The tighter the butthole, the sweeter the fruit,” Marcy stated again, matter-of-factly.
Patrick whipped his head around to look at David, eyes wide. David smiled wide and nodded in affirmation - yep, those words just came out of your mother’s mouth.
“Well,” Patrick paused. “That’s certainly a new one.”
“And not necessarily true,” David mumbled to Patrick.
“David…” Patrick quietly scolded.
“It’s referring to the spot on the end where the flower falls off!” Marcy said defensively.
“Ok, mom. Whatever you say.” Patrick replied, shaking his head.
“It’s just, in my experience…” David was smirking. “Deflowering a ‘butthole’ doesn’t really make it tighter.”
“David!” Patrick and Marcy shouted in unison.
“What?! I’m not wrong.”
“Oh my god. This is not the conversation I thought I’d be having when I walked in here,” Patrick replied before dissolving into laughter. Soon all three were almost in tears, giggling incessantly at what had just transpired.
“Um, the burgers are done. Do I want to know what you all are laughing uncontrollably about?” Clint asked, with just his head sticking in through the opened door.
“NO!” They all shouted.