Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

What are they into?

I'm so glad you asked!!!!

Hank 1, being the born-leader and most outgoing one of the group, really values control. His favorite sex memories are ones where you (or the other Hanks, for that matter) are completely at his mercy. He isn't a cruel dom, but he definitely can be if desired. He's a huge brat tamer, and enjoys the challenge. He has never once let you move of your own volition during sex; if he wants you in a different position, he manhandles you. His favorite positions are doggystyle and reverse cowgirl. Overall, his kinks include dom/sub, brat taming, spanking, and rough sex.

Hank 2 is a very smart man. Moreso than smart, he's creative. When not pounding you, he's considering ways to make the experience better when he does. It's hard to pinpoint an exact characteristic of sex with him because it's so different everytime. One day, he'll buy a candle to drip wax across you. Another day, he'll tie you up and see how long he can edge you. The possibilities are endless. However, when not trying some new idea, he is utterly romantic in his lovemaking. He always takes his time with you. His favorite positions are missionary and cowgirl. Overall, his kinks include just about anything if you ask beforehand.

Hank 3 is a pervert. He is always finding ways to compliment you in an icreasingly sexual manner. His favorite thing to do during sex is eat you out, and if he wasn't already ginger, his beard would be bleached from how much he devours your pussy. He leans dominant, but frequently allows you (or the other Hanks) to peg him. When subbing, he gets very, *very* whiny. He's also a big exhibitionist. When this man wants to bone, there's a high likelihood it'll happen (with consent of course). He's taken you in restaurant bathrooms, dressing rooms, and even fingered you on a theme park ride once. His sex drive is very high and he insists on pleasuring you as much as he can. His favorite positions are missionary and doggystyle. Overall, his kinks include cunnilingus, edging, spanking, and general dom/sub.

Hank 4 is probably the most versatile of the group. He doms and subs in equal amounts, and when he does either, he's incredibly good. When topping, he's very teasing. He enjoys getting a rise out of whoever he's balls-deep in (which is usually you). If there ever was such a thing as a bratty dom, it would be him. When bottoming, he's a mess. He's called you mommy more than he's called you your own name during sex, and he loves when you ride him (but he of course loves pegging, too). He's very easy to get vocal, especially when you tug his hair. His favorite positions are cowgirl and crybaby (basically laying down doggystyle). Overall, his kinks include a mommy kink, being a brat, and asphyxiation.

Hank 5 may appear demure at a glance, but don't be fooled: this man wants to get you pregnant as many times as you'll let him. If breeding kink was a living person, it'd be him. Sure, he wants to be a father for non-nefarious reasons, but the idea of you swollen with his kid gets him hard in 3.5 seconds flat. He mostly tops, because of the whole breeding thing, but he enjoys bottoming from time to time. If it's just him and the other Hanks going at it, he'll usually bottom, but if it's including you, he'll top to increase the likelihood of you getting knocked up. His favorite positions include a mating press and general missionary. Overall, his kinks include breeding, breeding, and some more breeding.

Chapter Text

The Hanks, whether they realize it or not, have a habit of taking care of you. Between making meals, getting you dressed, getting you to take your meds, etc., you can't remember the last time you did much of anything for yourself.

Not that you mind.

Not at all.

Truthfully, this is the life. Having five handsome guys waiting on you hand and foot? It's awesome. Radical, even.

And so here you sit, curled up on H1nk's lap, nursing a bottle of water; it's in a tall, opaque cup with a glittery straw and a picture of one of your favorite cartoon characters on the front. He made you get the drink after hearing that all you'd had to drink today was one (1) medium iced coffee. Despite your initial grumpiness at having to fulfill your body's needs, you're incredibly content right now. You're surrounded by the smell of his cologne, masculine and spicy. He kind of smells like fall, with hints of oak and cinnamon. It's enough to lull you into a state of full peace in his arms.

H3nk walks over, a smile on his face. "Why the princess cup, homie?" His tone is softer with you now, less teasing. He knows when you need comfort rather than flirtation.

"She drinks water better if she can't see it, brah." H1nk explains. "Also, it's badass."

"Ohhh, tight, tight." H3nk nods. He grins wide, ruffling your hair, before stealing a sip for himself. "Ah, you've been holdin' out on me, lil' homie! This water bangs!"

He gets a mischievous look on his face. "If you don't hurry up and sip that all down, lil' homie... then I will!"

You squeal and devolve into a fit of giggles as H3nk pounces on you, tickling your sides and trying to grab your glittery straw in his mouth. H1nk, laughing equally as much, helps you fend off H3nk. Quickly, you seal your lips around the straw and begin drinking more water to avoid H3nk trying that again.

"Ah! You beat me to it, lil' amigo. Well done!" H3nk beams. He ruffles your hair again, much to your playful dismay, before sitting down next to you and H1nk on the couch.

Before any more crazy hijinks ensue, the smell of delicious homecooked food wafts through the air. H5nk must be in the kitchen cooking.

H1nk smiles, noticing the hungry look on your face. "Wanna go see what he's cookin' up, broski?"

You eagerly nod, and the two of you make your way to the kitchen. In the kitchen, H5nk is over the stove, cooking six steaks. He smiles as he sees you walk in.

"Hey, honey!" He sets down his metal spatula on the counter before picking you up and spinning you. "I've hardly seen you today, little one! Don't be a stranger, 'kay? I'm makin' some good steaks for dinner, so you better be hungry."

You giggle. "I am!!"

"Fire!! The steaks still need a while to cook, though, so how 'bout you go see if Hank 4 needs any help with skateboarding?" He leans in conspiratorially, "I heard he keeps failing his ollie..."

H1nk leads you to the backdoor, where you can see H4nk clear through the glass. "I'll be in the living room if you need me, brah!" He smiles.

With that, you step outside into the fresh autumn air. Unfortunately, it's hardly late enough in the season for it to actually be cold, but 80 degrees is bearable.

H4nk's face lights up as he sees you. "TINY DANCER!!!" He whoops. "I've missed you! C'mere!" His skateboard flies out from under him as he quickly steps off of it. He greets you with a hug (an arguably very sweaty one, at that) and gives you the squeeze of a lifetime.

"Hi!" You smile up at him. He ruffles your hair, much like H3nk did.

"You come to help me with my ollie, or are you just here t'watch?" He picks up the discarded skateboard, holding by the wheel axel.

"I wanna skate with you!"

His eyes widen, as does his grin. "Well then what are we waiting for? Get up here, tiny!!"

After helping you into kneepads and a helmet, H4nk helps balance you on his board. His hands find innocent purchase on your waist, guiding your balance as the board inches forward.

"You're doing amazing, tiny. You're, like, the next Tony Chalk!" He praises. "Look at'chu! Doin' better than me, dawg!"

You skate with him for a bit before the glass sliding door reopens. It's H2nk.

"Hey, broskis! Dinner time, yo!" He calls out.

H4nk holds your hand as you two walk inside, before passing you off to H2nk.

"Gotta go clean up for dinner, tiny. How 'bout you save me a seat at the table?" H4nk smiles before disappearing into the restroom.

H2nk leads you over to the dining table, which isn't yet made. "Would you like to help me set the table, lil'? He smiles warmly down at you. You nod.

You two go back into the kitchen, where you collect 6 forks and 6 knives. He carries the knives. "Can't let you get hurt, now, can we?" He voices gently. Once you're both back in the dining room, he helps you set a fork at each spot on the table. He sets a knife down next to each of the forks you place.

"Amazing job, lil'. Now, can you go get the napkins for me?" He asks, leaning down slightly to meet your eyes. You nod again.

After collecting six napkins from the kitchen, you help H2nk fold them and set them at each spot. Once you're all done, he lifts you into his arms to get a good view of your hard work.

"You're an amazing little helper, lil'. You did such a good job!" He kisses your cheek, causing you to hide shyly in the crook of his neck. The other Hanks enter the dining room, H5nk holding the plates of steak.

"Dinner is served!" He smiles. "I hope you all like it! I made it with lots of love."

H3nk grins. "That's my favorite flavor, babe."

"Broskis, this table setup is crazy fire!!" H4nk announces.

"That would be thanks to my little helper!" H2nk lifts your hand as if you just won a WWE match.

"Amazing job, lil' homie!"

"It looks great, brah!"

"Tiny, you've outdone yourself!"

"This is perfect, little one!"

They continue to praise you all throughout dinner, showering you in more love and affection than you could ever ask for. That night, you go to sleep with a full belly and an even fuller heart.

Chapter Text

-The Hanks were all made in a factory, of course, but they were just little baby Hanks. They actually stayed in the factory for a long time and were only actually shipped out and sold by the time their human forms were in their early twenties.

-Theyre all the same age, but some of them are older by a few seconds. The order of their ages from oldest to youngest is: Hank 1, Hank 5, Hank 2, Hank 3, Hank 4

-they are NOT RELATED. they are the same species of thing but they're not brothers. The hivemind and shared dream thing is just vibes (I'm sorry I've seen people say they're brothers/cousins. It drives me nuts. I ALSO HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEYRE JUST FRIENDS. THEYRE REFERRED TO AS A POLYCULE IN THEIR DATE-A-DEX ENTRY) (No hate if you headcanon that tho)

-before they were a proper polycule, it was actually just Hank 1 and Hank 2 who were especially close. They had a deep sort of bromance together (more than friends less than lovers) sort of thing. When they all became a big polycule, it was by the suggestion of Hank 5 (who sensed the romantic feelings beneath all of their bromance). They've been together ever since!

-H1nk is 6"1, H2nk is 5"10, H3nk is 5"11, H4nk is 6"4, H5nk is 6"0

-They're all extremely muscular and strong, but their body types vary.

-H1nk is very typical strong guy type. Build like a triangle. He's got thick pecs, big arms, abs, the whole deal. He's not like one of those fake muscular guys who do it for the look, tho, all of his build is for strength, so he's also a UNIT. he's very thick if that makes sense. I also am a hairy h1nk truther. I think this man is the hairiest out of all the hanks.

-H2nk is skinnier, more of an acrobat's body type. He used to do a lot of calisthenics, so his strength lies in holding and lifting his own weight around. All of the Hanks collectively lost their shit when they saw him do a human flag for the first time. He's the second to last in terms of hairiness, with only slight stubble and maybe a happy trail.

-H3nk is the token "used to be a chubby kid" type. He still has the most body fat of all the hanks, but he's build like a goddamn brick. He's mostly pecs and thighs, with broad shoulders, thick arms, and mostly undefined abs. He's definitely a big bulk diet kinda guy, and won't say no to getting taco bell at 3am. He's the second hairiest (I say, salivating all over my phone screen)

-H4nk is tiktok muscular. IN THE NICEST WAY!!!! Imagine a performative muscular build with way too many abs, then add like 15 pounds and that's H4nk. He's very pretty boy muscley and has a very generic build. He is the middle ground for body hair. Since it's blond, it's not like it really shows up anyways. His hair is mostly on his legs. Even if it wasn't blond, it'd probably be sunbleached at this rate.

-H5nk is build similarly to H3nk, but with a bit less weight. He's also softer around his middle and mostly focuses on legs. He's got GREAT legs. His favorite non-extreme sport is soccer (or football, sorry I'm American) so his calves are carved by the gods. He's not very hairy, with the least amount of body hair out of all the hanks. The most you're getting out of this man is leg and arm hair and MAYBE a happy trail.

-The main breadwinners of the house are H2nk and H3nk, on account of H2nk's bestselling novel (a memoir of the Hanks' many adventures and the journey into becoming humans) and H3nk's brain surgery (big bucks). H4nk and H1nk make some extra cash from their own endeavors, like H4nk working at a piercing/tattoo shop and H1nk working as a freelance designer for dog clothing companies (he also has an Etsy shop where he sells his patented dog parachutes)

-Sometimes the Hanks go into the period isle of stores just to exude a chill feminist aura. One time H2nk bought a box of tampons just to "see what the hype's about".

-No one knows what he did with said tampons.

Chapter Text

H1nk almost exclusively calls you and the other Hanks those stupid combinations of the word "bro". Some instances include "bromigo", "brohemian rhapsody", "brotein shake", and "bromine". However, when being really sappy (or horny) names like sweetheart and babe will come out.

H2nk is a writer, naturally, and thus knows a lot of big words. He NEVER uses them, not after he accidentally said "lachrymose" in front of H4nk and gave him a nose bleed. Thankfully, he sticks to relatively small petnames for you and the other Hanks, such as love and babe. And bro. Bro is a big one with the Hanks.

H3nk is a flirt. You've never been called your real name by him. It's always babe, baby, hottie, hotshot, hotstuff, boner donor, babygirl (you put a quick stop to that one), House hottie, etc. He used to call you princess in a discord mod voice before he realized in a series of events that it actually turned you on (something you refuse to acknowledge), so now that's reserved for when he wants that cookie (which is always).

H4nk!! He's a mix of H3nk and H1nk, switching between calling you exclusively bro or variants and calling you the most romantic, heart-stopping (or sexual) petnames he can think of. True dichotomy! It's either "broski" or "my sunshine, the love of my life, my sweet darling girl", no in between.

H5nk probably calls you bro the least out of everyone. That's not to say he doesn't, cus he definitely does, just a lot less than the others. He typically calls you honey, house honey, baby, babydoll, and variants. He's big on corny petnames since it makes him feel secure in his romance with you and the other Hanks.*

*When the Hanks first got together as a polycule, it was incredibly unclear whether it was romantic or just a tight knit friend group. H5nk was the first to ask for clarification, which led to them all actually dating each other. And eventually you! H5nk still occasionally asks for reassurance, since the polycule acts *so much* like a friend group. It confuses him sometimes! But don't worry, everytime he asks, you and the other Hanks make sure to ensure him that you're all very in love.

Chapter Text

I'm a slut for these men 🛐🛐

-H4nk is unbelievably good at sex. He's got crazy stamina and he's incredibly good with his tongue and fingers. He's also one of the loudest Hanks during sex, always whining and moaning, even when he's topping. He's got pretty long fingers (second only to H1nk) and loves shoving them in his partners mouths and asses n stuff. Also his TONGUE IS PIERCED SKSKFJEJAMA (he definitely owns one of those tongue rings that vibrates)

-They love to double team you but specifically with eating you out. It'll usually be one of them tongue-fucking you and the other on your clit

-H1nk and H3nk are the kings of pressing down on your lower belly while fucking you. They're also the two biggest so do with that what you will

-H5nk loves fucking you (raw ofc) but he usually ends up sandwiched between you and another Hank. So it'll be like one of the other Hanks behind H5nk fucking him while he fucks you

-Okay I'm gonna describe their dicks 😔

-H1nk is thick and long, at a little over 7 inches. His pubes are pretty untamed, he doesn't really trim or anything, but I just KNOW this man always smells freshly showered. He's got that old spice body wash ON and his dick has literally never tasted like anything other than skin and soap. I just know this man is clean asf (that's not to say the other Hanks arent, cus I know they are, but H1nk always smells specifically like a freshly showered scent)

-H2nk's packing a bit over 6 inches with slightly above average girth. Forgive me lord but I just know he owns a manscaped trimmer. He doesn't shave fully, but his bush is definitely trimmed. I definitely think he's musky but in a really sexy way. Like clean musky yk? I also think he cums a LOT. Like. 🤭

-H3nk.... oh H3nk.... I'm writing this with one hand atp ✍️ ANYWAYS I think he's almost exactly 7 inches (maybe like an eighth of an inch more) and thick toward the base. Like, the girthiest of the Hanks. He's definitely the hairiest pube-wise, that ginger rainforest has never seen a razor. He smells, like, really good. REALLY good. A mix of H1nk and H2nk, where he's got a really nice freshly-bathed scent but also musky.

-H4nk is right about 6 and a half inches exactly and average girth. He's pierced I just know it 👅💦 His pubes are like, average, if that makes sense. He doesn't trim them but he isn't naturally super hairy. He smells very much like sandalwood and soap (and maybe a bit of incense) and tastes salty and musky (again in a clean sexy way). His dick leaks pre like a faucet, second only to H5nk. He's also a whiner

-H5nk is packing almost exactly 7 inches (but a little bit less) much like H3nk. He's the least hairy of the bunch but he also shaves so there's NOTHIN down there save for a bit of stubble. He's pretty average girth-wise. He smells like a combination of H1nk and H4nk, a mix of soapy showery goodness and cologne. The cologne he wears specifically smells like stereotypical man scent but in a really good way. He is the NUMBER ONE leaker of the Hanks. This man gets wet faster than I do when completing the Hanks romance route.

-Okay back to other headcanons!

-The first time you all went at it, all the Hanks came embarrassingly quick. Thank goodness for their stamina! They were so used to only being with each other for the longest time that when they got with you, they got pussydrunk SO fast

-The frequently discover new things your body can do. After H3nk was doing some "research" and found out that women can orgasm eight different ways, he was determined to get you to each of them in one night

-H5nk has a habit of being incredibly whiny and moaning a lot, even when he's topping. When he's in you, it's always the most debauched shit, like crying about how much he loves your pussy while pounding into you, or begging to fill you up with his babies.

-The term "knocked up" specifically does things for him. The first time H3nk jokingly said that H5nk knocked you up, H5nk had to hold a pillow over his lap for the next half hour.

Chapter Text

Life was easy.

For a long while, at least.

Your time with the Hanks was demure. The days after meeting them seemed to slow and trickle into each other like syrup, languidly and calmly, even as they took you out on life-threatening adrenaline-inducing stunts. It was comfortable. Falling in love with those five himbos was the easiest thing since getting the Dateviators.

Soon enough, they were Realized. You had to teach them how to be human, how to love, how to make sure to always quadruple-check harnesses and never take life for granted. Even so, the days rolled forward like honey. It was easy being yourself with them; you know beyond a reasonable doubt that they'd never judge you for anything, so long as you weren't an axe murderer or something.

So, then, why is it so hard to confess one of the most important parts of yourself to them?

They already know you inside out. They've kissed you, held you, tickled you mercilessly and thwacked you with pillows, patched up cuts, iced bruises-- so why is this any different? It's just like all the other things you've confessed to them, like how you get gross sores easily on the insides of your cheeks, or how your hips are just barely misaligned, causing you to trip frequently, how you chew your ice cream and swallow Goldfish crackers whole--

Except, the thing is, you feel guilty for this.

It's hard not to feel like a burden, even with being reassured multiple times that the Hanks would go to war for you with smiles on their faces.

But, you suppose, it's now or never.

After a quick, nervous message to the group chat about needing to have a talk with them sent with shaking hands, you can hear loud footsteps on the stairs. Five pairs of them, in fact.

H4nk enters first, his wild blonde curls pushed back from his face with one of those headbands that skincare afficionados wear when washing their face. He's sunburnt, you can tell. Probably from the long hike he went on this morning with the others. He smiles at you wide.

Then, close behind, H5nk. He ushers H4nk into the room with a gentle hand on the small of his back, desperately trying to get him through the doorway so the rest of them can file in.

H4nk flops on the bed, his cheek pressed up against his fist as he lounges. "What's poppin', bro-babe?" He grins, proudly displaying the missing tooth he lost while trying to do a handstand on a skateboard. "We saw your message in the group chat. Said y'needed to talk to us?"

H5nk sits next to you on the bed, his hand finding innocent purchase on your knee as the other three Hanks shove through the door. H3nk sits on your other side, snaking a hand around your waist.

"House homie!" H3nk smiles. "Looking dashing as always, babeski."

H1nk sits on the end of the bed, next to H4nk. "What's the assembly for, babealicious?"

"Are you finally proposing to us?" H4nk wiggles his eyebrows.

H2nk rolls his eyes, sitting down next to H1nk. "That's our job, bro!"

"No, I'm not proposing," Despite your nerves, you chuckle at their antics. "I... uh. I actually wanted to talk to you guys about something serious, if that's okay."

H5nk's thumb begins to rub gentle circles on your knee. "Why wouldn't it be, honey?" His voice is a gentle timbre, a rumble deep in his chest despite his actual pitch not being that low.

"Yeah, babe. You know you're always allowed to talk to us." H3nk agrees, pulling you into a half-assed side hug.

"So... what is it, then? What do you wanna tell us?" H2nk asks, looking a bit nervous himself. "We didn't... we didn't do anything wrong, did we?"

"No, no! Of course not!" Your hands fly out in front of you in a defensive movement. "You guys are perfect!! And don't worry, I'm not breaking up with you. This is actually... about me." H2nk looks immediately relived.

"Alright, sweetheart. Floor's yours." H1nk smiles at you, warm, accepting. It makes you shudder, your gut twisting with nervousness and guilt.

You exhale shakily, steadying yourself. H5nk's free hand comes up to hold yours, squeezing gently. "It's just... it's about this part of me that I've been keeping from you guys for a while. And I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, I just... it's embarrassing. And you guys are totally gonna think I'm a freak and a weirdo."

H4nk immediately frowns. "No way, babe! We could never!"

"Yeah, dude. We *love* you." H2nk offers a weak smile.

"Yeah, we LOVE you!" The other four say in unison. H5nk squeezes your hand tighter.

He leans forward slightly, his mouth near your ear. "Whenever you're ready, love. Take your time."

You steady yourself once more. Then, you speak without thinking, without giving yourself time to stress.

"Do you guys know what age regression is?" You ask. The Hanks fall silent. You wince internally, bracing yourself for rejection. But it doesn't come. All that follows your admission is silence, thick and unchanging. It's almost worse than them saying anything.

They all exchange a look between themselves. H4nk in particular looks like he's thinking really hard. Then, they all speak in tandem, their voices lower than usual.

"Not at all," Something washes over you, like relief mixed with worry mixed with the sandwich you had for lunch. You quickly become nauseous.

"--But we want to learn. Please, can you tell us what that is?" H5nk speaks up, his voice a calm island in the angry, thrashing seas of your mind.

"O-Okay, well--" You sigh, preparing yourself. "It's... this coping mechanism. Usually people do it to cope with stuff, like... like trauma, or bad feelings, or PTSD and stuff. It's where you, uhm, you kinda just... regress. Mentally. Into the mind of a kid, or a toddler, or even a baby. It's kind of like... reliving a childhood. For comfort and stuff. Y-Y'know?"

You continue, unable to deal with the silence. "--it's like, you kinda act like a baby. But it's, like, you fully mentally regress. You don't just *act* like a baby, you think like a baby. Sometimes it's involuntary, sometimes people do it for fun and coping. I-I guess it depends on the person."

The silence is way too loud.

"...and it's like, not weird, I promise. It's completely nonsexual. Like, when I regress, it's like I'm actually in the mind of a toddler or baby. It's super nice for, um, for coping 'nd stuff. Like, dealing with childhood trauma and stuff."

You can't stop babbling. In fact, you're about to start another sentence when H1nk speaks up.

"So, what does this regression feel like for *you*?" His voice is careful, but not upset. If anything, his tone carries the cadence of someone trying to lure a stray kitten out from behind a dumpster.

"Yeah, we know you said it can be different for different people. What's it like in your brain?" H2nk asks.

You exhale, releasing a breath you didn't know you were holding. "It's... safety. It feels like warmth, like staying in on a cold snowy day with a mug of hot chocolate. Or wrapping yourself in blankets fresh out of the dryer. It's involuntary, but... but it's safe. Something I allow myself to slip into."

The Hanks all remain quiet, some nodding. H4nk speaks next.

"So... the dealio is... you sometimes act like a baby and it's for comfort 'nd stuff?" He raises an eyebrow. You swallow once, nodding.

"And you do this in response to trauma? Or, just general bad feelings?" H3nk asks.

You nod once more.

"And you're, like, actually in the headspace of a baby when you regress?" Asks H2nk.

Another nod.

"Does someone ever have to take care of you when you're regressed?" H1nk asks. The others look at him, and he blushes, embarrassed. "I-I mean, 'cause, y'know, usually babies have to be watched by an adult."

Another another nod. This one more bashful.

"Thank you for telling us, hun." H5nk hums softly, pressing a kiss to your temple. "We're so grateful that you trust us enough to tell us this."

Tears have formed in the corners of your eyes without you even noticing. You wipe them away, sniffling.

"So... how do you guys feel?" You ask, still unsure.

Another long moment of quiet.

"Honestly, babe?" H3nk starts.

You nod.

"It sounds really cute." He smiles. There's no flirtation behind it, no heat. Just H3nk and his dimpled grin.

"Ohmygodbro thank you I thought no one was gonna say it." H4nk quickly says. Then, it's like the floodgates break.

"Does this mean we get to take care of you more?"

"Can we rock you to sleep 'nd stuff?"

"H5nk can be, like, your dad!"

They're all on you, cuddling you, hugging you, kissing you.

"How could you think we'd ever view you as less for something you can't control?" H5nk asks, smiling down at you. "You're perfect to us, hun. You always will be."

"Word!" H4nk smiles wide, hugging you impossibly tight.

"We'll work out the details later," H1nk's voice is deep, soothing. "About how we'll work to take care of you when you need us most."

"But this doesn't change anything, you know," H2nk interjects, "We love you just the same."

"You're still our house honey." H3nk grins. "Just... maybe smaller sometimes. Like... our little homie."

They continue to praise you for upwards of an hour before you all fall asleep. They all surround you in your giant Alaskan King sized bed, forming a sizable cuddle puddle. That night, you have the sweetest dreams.

Chapter Text

It’s not often the Hanks take their favorite girl out partying, especially not at dingy clubs like this. Extreme sports are one thing, but hangovers? The Hanks would rather bungee jump without a cord. However, you asked so nicely, and the Hanks are very weak for you.
​
Eventually, they even got excited about it. H1nk made an off-handed comment about how H3nk can “finally get some box”, which made you feel… some sort of way. Of course, you’re head over heels for all five men, it’s just that… H3nk flirts like his life depends on it. And you’ve gotten pretty used to being the object of his affections, even if you aren’t dating. So, in retaliation, you thoroughly rummaged through your closet and grabbed the first dress you saw with a hem above the thigh.
​
Now, you’re all at the club. Saying it’s a sensory experience would be an understatement.
​
There's almost no overhead light, only sporadically placed crimson LEDs, casting a sex-red glow over the bar and dancefloor. The rhythmic thumping of the bass vibrates through the floor, resonating in your chest like an extra heartbeat. The air is thick with smoke, or perhaps steam from the sheer amount of bodies, making it near-impossible to breathe without inhaling at least one type of drug, whether that be nicotine, weed, or otherwise. Every breath is a gamble on sobriety, even more so than the vodka cranberry in your hand, which tastes both tart and sweet on your tongue with every sip. Every swig feels like inching up a rollercoaster, waiting to crest over the peak, and inevitably going down screaming.

That’s not the only kind of screaming you want to do.

It’s really not your fault that H3nk looks so good in club-going attire. It’s not even like he’s really dressed up; his outfit consists of a dark pair of jeans and a button-up with the sleeves rolled to his forearms—nothing special, really. Not at all.

Not like you’ve been uncomfortably shifting against wet panties all night.

Not like you want to jump his bo— hey wait a second.

H3nk appears in the corner of your eye from where you sit at a sticky leather booth. He’s... actually talking to a girl.

Some bitch in a skimpy black dress.

Truthfully, you hadn’t meant to think a thought so mean and needlessly judgmental; in fact, the hem on your dress is probably a few inches shorter than the mystery girl’s. So... then why did your brain conjure up derogatory words toward a girl you’ve never met?

Probably because that bitch’s hand is resting on H3nk’s perfectly sculpted bicep.

And he’s just letting her.
In fact, he seems to be flirting for her number.

After a few minutes of giving this random innocent girl a glare that could cut diamonds, you decide to get up. One and a half drinks have made you braver than expected, even if you’re not fully drunk yet. You purposefully brush close to H3nk and rando-girl as you head toward the bar. And, as everything goes according to plan, H3nk calls your name.

“Hey! C’mere, you.” He grins lazily, his large hand catching your wrist. His stupidly strong (hot) arms tug you toward his warm body. “Not gettin’ out of seeing me that easy, homie. Meet Emily. She’s a steal, right?” He wiggles his eyebrows at you, clearly loving the way Emily giggles at his antics. You try incredibly hard not to visibly seethe. “She wants to meet me for coffee on Monday. Isn’t that right, sweetness?”

Emily, in the most grinding, irritating voice you’ve ever heard, giggles and nods. “Yup! He’s so sweet, right? You must be his sister. It’s lovely to meet you.”

You see red for reasons unrelated to the club’s lighting. H3nk is none the wiser, simply chuckling. “Nah, Em. This is my homie, one of the coolest amigos there is.” He grins. Approximately one more smirk away from your blood boiling, you decide you’re not drunk enough for this. With an all-too fake smile, you excuse yourself from the conversation with H3nk and his plaything.

“I’m gonna go get another drink. I’ll... see you later.” You shoot H3nk a truly unreadable look, a mix of anger, guilt, and jealousy. Your hips swing in time to the bass-heavy beat playing through the cheap club speakers as you make your way to the bar. The poor bartender shifts and blushes nervously as you lean over the bar, your breasts pressing forward to rest on your forearms. After acquiring your new, stronger drink, you slip a five into his tip cup and give him a wink.

At the sight of his stutter and flush, a lightbulb goes off in your head.

Maybe the answer to all of this is... seduction? You try and act like the idea doesn’t excite you.

Your eyes become deviously lidded, your red lips curling into a smile that could kill a man. You head to the ladies’ room with the confidence of the gods, your stilettos clicking like a metronome against the concrete floor of the club. You brush past bodies, some in pairs, some in large schools like fish, and some alone. You decide then that you’re not ending this night alone.

The bathroom door slams behind you. A large, splattered mirror stretches the expanse of the wall parallel to the stalls. It stinks in here, like piss and vomit mixed with cheap perfume and cigarettes. The brick of the walls is nasty, covered in discarded gum and random stains that you’d rather not question the origins of. You are, undoubtedly, the prettiest thing in this disgusting powder room.

Your hands forage through your over-stuffed purse, locating the familiar, if not slightly sticky, cylinder of your lipstick and then lipliner. You redraw your lips, tracing over your cupid’s bow with the tentativeness of an artist carving marble. Your hand wobbles from the amount of alcohol pooling in the bottom of your gut. It lays low there, like a snake curled up and flirting with your intestines. You look down at the empty glass on the counter when you reach for your mascara from your bag–when did you finish that one? Ah, well. The more drinks before your tantrum, the better.

After doing your makeup like a redlight district girl, you smooth out any flyaways from your head and inhale deeply. Let’s hope H3nk is drunk, too, because if this goes badly, you really don’t want him to remember it.

You exit your piss-stained domain, eyes stinging from the smoky atmosphere of the main floor of the club. Your eagle-eyes immediately lock onto H3nk and Emily–just in time to watch him lean in and kiss her. Your eyes widen, your pupils dilating for reasons unrelated to your inebriation. You make your way over to them as fast as you can, given your intoxication and six inch heels.

H3nk’s eyes are lidded in a way you’ve never seen before. His cheeks are almost devoid of freckles from how his blush swallows them whole. His tongue darts out to wet those plush lips, red from his incisors tugging at them. You quickly kill the vibe by brushing up behind him, trying to hide how drunk you are. And failing.

“Heyy, Hank. Who’s this again?” You smile drunkenly, laying it on thick. You look Emily up and down, watching her squirm uncomfortably beneath your gaze.

H3nk barely snaps out of giving Emily heart eyes to reply to you. “This is Emily, remember? I told you earlier.” He motions vaguely to her. “We’ve actually been gettin’ on really well, and–”

“Oh, sorry,” You cut him off, moving to rest all of your weight on one hip. “That name is just so forgettable. Can’t blame a girl for forgetting, can you?” Your smile is about as real as Prissy Plastique’s leaves.

H3nk looks at you with a confused look. His face is a mix of uncertainty and slight offense. “There’s no need to be rude,” He asserts gently. “Emily’s a great name. And I know we just met, but she’s actually really cool. Cooler than you give her credit for.” His hand snakes onto Emily’s lower thigh, the tips of his index and middle finger just barely grazing beneath the hem of her dress. You can tell that he can tell you’re upset about something from the way your jaw clenches and your fists ball up at your sides, but it’s also clear he’s not sure what’s bothering you.

“I’m not being rude,” You manage, your nostrils flared and your brow furrowed. “I’m getting a drink.”

You turn on a dime, making your way to the bar. You make sure to ‘accidentally’ step on Emily’s foot with the sharp point of your stiletto as you pass by. When she yelps and yanks her foot off of the ground, H3nk looks livid.

“Hey!” He scolds, his voice growing slightly in volume. “That’s not cool, dude. Why are you being like this?” He stands up from his barstool, making sure Emily is okay before walking up to you. Even him checking on that bitch makes you seethe. He grabs your wrist, spinning you around. He leans down by your ear, his voice low and dangerous.
“Way to ruin a good thing,” He looks the angriest you’ve ever seen him. “Why don’t you want this for me, huh? It’s like you’ve had a stick shoved sideways up your ass all night.”

You push him off of you, rolling your eyes. “I don’t have to deal with this right now,” You walk toward the bathroom. Of course, he follows you, letting you lead him into your trap.

“Oh no you don’t–” H3nk tugs your forearm, corning you in the hallway by the restrooms. Cold air seeps in from the proximity of the exit door, making your cheeks feel all the more flushed. “What the fuck has gotten into you tonight?”

In a test of pure bravery and gall, you grab H3nk by his shirt collar. Either the alcohol has made you superhuman, or H3nk was distracted, because you’re able to easily spin him around and pin him to the wall, despite him towering over you. “Not you, clearly,” You grunt, your warm fingertips curling up into his ginger curls. You tug him down slightly to be more eye-level with you. His hands fly to your wrists, stopping you from doing anything else.

You swear you see his pupils dilate as he stares down at you, his mouth agape in shock. “Are you trying to start something, man? This isn’t like you.” It isn’t lost on you how hard he’s breathing. “I’m not sure what you’re trying to achieve by… attacking me like this.”

“It’s not like me because I’m never drunk enough to admit this,” You groan, your breath fanning over H3nk’s face. “--how much I fuckin’ want you.” You let the admission hang heavy in the air like secondhand smoke. His expression flashes shock, then anger, then shock again.

H3nk trips over his words. “Dude, I didn’t– I didn’t know, I–” He swallows thickly. More silence. “You’re serious? Is that why you were being a dick to Emily?”

“Maybe,” You smile, your eyes glinting in the red hot light. “You are what you eat.”

H3nk clenches his jaw, sighing. His hands release your wrists, his arms falling to his side. “This isn’t a joke, bro.” Despite his words, you move closer. Your chest presses against his, and you feel his heartbeat as if it’s your own. “You’ve been a wreck tonight.”

“So?” You raise an eyebrow. “Are you mad, or what? I’m too drunk to be dancing around it, Hank.” Your hands slide down his neck to rest on his thick pecs through that thin, sweaty button-up.

“You’re too drunk for any of this,” He exhales. “But I get it. You’re drunk off your ass and deadset on throwing yourself at me.” His body is tense, but he’s not trying to move you away.

“And what are you gonna do about it?”

H3nk sighs, nudging you away now. “I should have half a mind to stop being friends with you. I mean, we had a good thing going. I never knew you wanted to… jump my bones like this.” Yet, his hands don’t leave you. His calloused hands press into the flesh of your waist. “But fuck, I kinda like it.”

Your face nearly splits with the magnitude of your grin. You flutter your mascara-soaked eyelashes up at him.

“But I’m not rewarding you. Not after the stunt you’ve pulled tonight.”

Your face falls. Your hands go back up to his collar, tugging him down close to your face with a swift movement. “Don’t be a dick,” You groan softly. “I know you’ve noticed me tonight, Hank. That Emily bitch can’t compete, can she?”

“You’re talking out of your ass,” H3nk groans, leaning his head back against the cold brick of the wall in exasperation. “And drunk off cheap alcohol. You’re not gonna remember this.”

“Aren’t drunk actions just sober thoughts?” You’re unbuttoning his shirt before you realize it. “I’d never be so crass without motive.” Your words are slurred, your voice is foreign to your ears.

H3nk just stares down at you, his blush from earlier multiplied tenfold. It makes your stomach flip. “Why didn’t you just tell me you had the hots for me before tonight?” He grunts, trying not to make any sordid noise as you unbutton his shirt. His chest hair is damp with sweat.

“I’m so shy,” You tease, looking up at him through your lashes. You go to lick a stripe up H3nk’s chest, but he grabs the back of your hair, tugging you away.

“You’re a pain in the ass,” He grumbles. “--and fuckin’ gorgeous.”

With his grip on your hair, H3nk slams your mouth against his with such force that it busts your lip. His lips, plush, red from biting, mesh with yours, lipsticked and bruised. The sweet-umame taste of blood mixes with your spit as H3nk practically pries your mouth open with his tongue. He licks at the roof of your mouth, your gums, your teeth, and finally, your tongue.

“Tell that bitch you don’t want her,” You pant. “Or block her. Tell her you’ve found someone better.” You’re swallowing spit, your voice is hoarse, your lip is bleeding, and your actions are so uncharacteristic that you feel like you’re watching alcohol possess your body like a demon. A succubus, maybe.

H3nk pulls away, biting your lip and stretching the skin of your mouth before speaking. “You’re not the one who should be barking orders,” He finally allows his hands to move, along with the rest of his body. He spins the two of you, pinning you to the cold brick with a harsh movement. Your skull connects to the surface with a thud. “Maybe I’ll block her if you apologize for tonight.”

Thick hands press into your thighs, hiking one of your legs up against his hip. Your crotches press together, and for a moment, you both groan. “I– I shouldn’t haf’ta apologize,” Your words slur together, “I didn’t do anythin’.”

“Yeah, right–” H3nk’s voice rolls into a low moan as he rocks his hips against you. With how humid it is in the bar, it’s hardly dryhumping. “You’re lucky I love you.”

In your drunken haze, you elicit to ignore those words. Instead, you focus on gyrating your hips up into H3nk’s, trying and failing to match his rhythm. You’re too drunk to care that you’re literally in public, pressed against a wall, rutting against him like a wild animal. At least, until Emily walks around the corner.

“Hank? Are you back here? I have to leave soon, and I wanted to–”

She freezes as she catches sight of you two: H3nk, with his shirt unbuttoned and your leg hooked over his thigh, pinning you to the wall, and you, with your busted lip and now ruined makeup. You two look like a stereotype of a couple getting caught. H3nk’s eyes widen as he sees her, but they quickly flick back to you. You look at him with an expression that reads do it.

“I’m– I’m taken.” He huffs, not bothering to still his hips. “Sorry.”

You unabashedly moan as his clothed dick hits a particularly good spot for friction. Emily looks mortified as she turns to disappear quickly into the sea of people on the dance floor. You laugh.

“Good boy,” Your voice devolves into drunken giggles, occasionally interrupted by moans.

H3nk rolls his eyes, still grunting with each movement of his hips against yours. “One of us has to be well-behaved.” His hand slides further up your thigh, hiking your dress up. “So you better get to being good. ‘Cause I’m about to do some real deplorable shit, babe.” That large palm of his cups your mound, roughly grinding against the wet fabric. His free hand comes up to cover your mouth. That tongue of his licks a stripe up the side of your neck before biting the sensitive skin beneath your ear. You bite back a shout, trying not to get caught in this very precarious quickie location.

“We don’t– we don’t have time to tease, Hank.” You manage. He just laughs.

“Oh yeah? You had time to be a brat earlier. You really messed some shit up, babe.” The movements of his palm stop. Instead, he pulls your panties fully to the side, his thick fingers carding through your slick without warning. “But I guess I’ll indulge you. Clearly you’ve been aching for me for a while, isn’t that right?” He has the audacity to smirk.

“H-Hank, please–” You try and rock your hips up into his hand, but he pulls away. He laughs bitterly at your attempt to get relief. “I thought you wanted this, too.”

“Oh, I do, gorgeous. It’s just really fun to watch you get all mad at me.” H3nk leans in, the scruff of his beard dragging against your neck as he nuzzles into you. Without warning, his middle finger slides into you. When your legs turn to jelly, you don’t fall; he’s holding you up fully against the hard brick wall. His mouth is back on yours, his pearly white teeth clicking against yours, his tongue licking at every bit of your mouth it can reach. The finger inside you curls, searching for that softer, gummier spot a few inches inside.

When he finds it, you nearly scream.

“Atta girl,” he purrs, his chest vibrating against you. It occurs to you now that H3nk isn’t fully sober, either. “Look at that.” he tilts your chin down to stare at where his finger is plunging into your pussy. “Look how pretty.”

You can’t form words, only whines. That familiar burning hot heat pools in your belly. He laughs. “I know, baby, I know. You gonna cum?” He leans in, sucking a mark onto your neck. He speaks in between moments of suction. “Feels good, doesn’t it?”

You nod, feeling your head grow fuzzier and fuzzier. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to stay conscious. H3nk’s voice cuts through the fog.

“Come on, babe. Focus,” His wrist flexes with the force of his movements. “Look at me.”

As your eyes lock onto his, pale green and pupils blown wide, that rubber band inside you snaps. Your back arches like a cat’s as you cum, your voice erupting from your throat before you have time to stop it.

Then everything goes black.