Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

We do it for love

Don't forget, forever

Let's not be afraid together, 

We're beautiful strangers 

"Don't think of anything, don't even say a word," were the first words Yeonjun had ever heard out of Soobin's mouth, the moment he opened his eyes. The last thing he remembered doing was falling asleep and closing his eyes, but the boy before him was an enigma.

He looks stunning in this light, painted in soft blues, safe for the pair of wings on his back. They were soft, downy and white, and Yeonjun could only imagine what it'd be like drowning in them, drowning in him. But the boy in front of him is a stranger.

A beautiful one, but a stranger nonetheless. Yeonjun isn't sure what kind of world he's woken up to, maybe he's still dreaming. But the stranger before him smiles gleefully at him, his eyes full of affection, as if they'd been here a thousand times before. It's a smile that melts Yeonjun, the kind of smile you pause just to get a fleeting glimpse of, the kind that bespoke joy in a hundred lifetimes, a smile that had long since left Yeonjun's life. "I've a surprise for you, hyung."

Hearing this, Yeonjun feels the corners of his lips lift, so quickly, so instinctively, that it baffles him- he can't remember the last time he's ever smiled, not since he'd left. His heart aches painfully at the memory, coiling in his chest. I miss you, Yeonjun thinks, a confession he hasn't dared to make in the abyss since the other boy had left his life. By now, he can neither recall the look of his face, nor the sound of his voice. But Yeonjun misses him just the same, in the void the boy had left behind. Forged in absence, the feeling lingers, haunting his every waking moment. It only leaves when he sleeps, a momentary reprieve. In this moment, though, Yeonjun wonders if that boy was Soobin. The beautiful stranger that stands before him, smiling at him from the edge of his bed.

"Get up," Soobin says. He pulls the sheets brusquely off Yeonjun, before pressing a tender kiss on his forehead. The touch sends sparks through Yeonjun, and he coils away slightly with shock. Despite this, the stranger seems to take it in stride, already moving away to make the bed.

"You really need to wake up earlier, hyung. It's nearly noon," Soobin chides, making the bed quickly as if he'd done this a million times before. Yeonjun isn't quite sure who this beautiful stranger is, but the feeling is painfully familiar.

He feels it before he knows it, the familiar flutter in the stomach, the quiet pull of the heart, encasing his own heart with warmth it has long since lost, thawing his once frozen heart. He imagines it burning, somehow- turning into nothing but ashes in the end.

Was this what it was like with the him from before? All he remembers is the other boy's fleeting silhouette, the comfort of his presence and the quiet warmth of his embrace. Everything else is a fleeting memory, just like this one, and Yeonjun finds himself scared.

Is it true? Is it true? Is it you? He wants to ask, but no words pass his lips. Instead, he simply gets up, following the angel out to what he presumes is the living room of a small, but cosy apartment.

To his surprise, everything looks like the apartment of his dreams - the decor, the furniture, eventually the walls were painted in the pretty lilac he'd always wanted. There's someone else's touch imprinted all over it too, from the tiny bunny prints to the silly anime posters. It looks lived in and loved, as if someone has carved out a haven for them both. Yeonjun feels his eyes growing moist at the sight, and he glances towards Soobin, and for a moment, he can imagine a future with him. In another future, maybe we were together.

His eyes continue dancing across the room, finding nothing amiss, until his eyes meet Soobin's again. The angel is wearing a large grin, his hands full of something white and fluffy, looking very much like a-

"Cat!" Yeonjun yells out, reaching out to grab out the cat before he can help himself. Soobin hands it over carefully, as if he were handing over the crown jewels. He looks cute, with brows furrowed in concentration and his lips drawn into a bright grin that shows off his dimples. Yeonjun grabs the cat gingerly, before carefully folding his arms so he can hold it like a baby. The cat is fluffy and soft, and Yeonjun doesn't think he's ever seen anything cuter, except maybe Soobin. The tiny creature looks up at him with a soft meow, before burying itself into Yeonjun's arms.

"You've always said you wanted a cat, so I thought this would be a good time to get one," Soobin says, glancing over at the two with eyes filled with affection. "She seems to like you a lot,"

"She?" Yeonjun asks, petting the cat affectionately.

"Yeah, she. I haven't named her yet. I thought you could do the honours," Soobin basically radiates pride, " she is our cat after all."

"Hmm," Yeonjun glances down at the fluffy heathen in his arms, filled with a rush of sudden affection towards it, the word 'our' sending warmth down his spine.

It's odd- he's never really thought about it before, but naming seems to imbue power, because you're giving it something it will carry for the rest of it's life. As if sensing his hesitance, the cat glances up at him, staring at him with gilt eyes. In the daylight, the feline's eyes seem to glow, like a ringed halo.

"What about Daylight?" Yeonjun asks, still petting the cat. She purrs at the sound of her name, burrowing deeper into his arms.

"Daylight," Soobin echoes, as the tiny creature continues to preen. Yeonjun lets her gently, savoring the fluffy warmth against his skin as Soobin watches.

"It's perfect," He glances fondly at the two of them, and Yeonjun feels his cheeks begin to heat up. He's unused to the attention, unused to the affection - not because he's never been adored before, but because he's never been looked at quite like this.

Some part of him longs to reach out and touch Soobin, to hug him, but he's scared that once he does, the angel before him will vanish. Even if this is nothing but a sweet mirage, he doesn't want to leave - he wants to stay by Soobin's side, in this idyllic world they'd carved out.

"Hyung?"Soobin's voice snaps him out of his reverie, and Yeonjun refocuses his eyes on the angel before him. He looks even more amazing in the warm embrace of sunlight, that catches in his wings just right, accentuating the glow in his eyes. He was beauty incarnate, so much it felt untrue." Can I hold her now?" Yeonjun laughs at that, before passing Daylight back to Soobin, much to her displeasure- she scowls as she's passed to Soobin, though her displeasure immediately fades once Soobin begins petting her, and she settles back into a peaceful, non-violent position.

He glances back at Soobin, eyes filled with wonder- the angel is quite a sight cuddling the tiny kitten, the smile on his face soft and bright. Something about the sight is painstakingly familiar, like he's seen this scene before. If we touch hands, will I lose you?

The angel stands close, and Yeonjun can feel his presence permeate the room. It's a comforting kind of warmth, the kind that seeps from closed windows and warm fireplaces, permeating not simply into the flesh but into the soul. Its haunting, a feeling that Yeonjun remembers but can't recall.

Déjà vu. He's once heard of it, the feeling of having experienced something before, despite having no prior memory or experience of it- it's a fleeting illusion, and yet Yeonjun wants to stay in it, to lose himself in this and forget all reality. But he can't. No matter what he wants to do, he can't stay. All dreams come to an end eventually, and this one is still the same. The memories elude him, but the angel stays. Choi Soobin, something within his mind whispers, quiet and hoarse, as if awoken from a long slumber.

Is that his name? But as Yeonjun wonders, some part of his brain falls back. Of course it is, it whispers, how could it be anything else? But the angel before him is supposed to be a stranger, and Yeonjun isn't meant to know anything more. Still, he tests the name out, "Soobin?"

Much to his relief, the angel looks up, smiling back up at him, "yeah?" He asks brightly, nearly shifting again, much to the displeasure of Daylight, who growls before burrowing back in his arms. "Nothing," Yeonjun brushes it off, "just felt like calling your name."

Hearing this, Soobin's smile fades slightly. "You have to go soon, don't you?" Yeonjun isn't quite sure what to make of that, what to make of this. Still, he answers the only way he can think of."Yeah, I do."Half of him is oddly compelled to make a promise. I'll be back.

At least, he hoped so- love was too strong a word for now, so he'd like to return back to this, back to Soobin, like to bask in this dream and never return back to reality. It's a trying temptation, one that lulls him in without ever meaning to.

It doesn't need to. Yeonjun finds himself pulled towards Soobin, like they're two planets held together in an eternal orbit, pulled together by gravity. It's odd, but then again, there are many odder things in life. Soobin places the cat down slowly, before reaching out to touch Yeonjun. Instinctively, Yeonjun backs away, too afraid that the instant they touch, this moment will fade away. Somehow, Soobin senses this, and Yeonjun sees tears in his eyes beginning to form, the happy facade he'd put up beginning to crack.

It's like a shattered mirror, but Yeonjun's staring at Soobin. Yeonjun feels something in the air shift, the room around them turning more and more frigid with every passing moment, like fall.

"I'm not going to disappear, Yeonjun hyung." Soobin whispers, glancing directly at Yeonjun.

The sound of his name on Soobin's lips awaken something within him, and something within him begins to shift, sending him through what must be a lifetime of memories, but they flash past him in the span of seconds. All he notices is a constant. Bunny teeth, cute dimples, bright smile and stretchy cheeks.

One person. One being.

And everything clicks into place. "It's you," Yeonjun whispers. "It's always been you."

Soobin lets out a half-choked sob at that, unsure whether to laugh or to cry. "Yeah, Yeonjun-hyung. It's me. I promise I won't leave you. I'm always by your side, even if you don't know it,"

What Soobin doesn't say is that he's seen a thousand good mornings and a thousand goodbyes, and it breaks him all the same. By the end of it, Yeonjun never remembers. It melts away, piece by piece, and Soobin's world fades to black.

But it's worth it, worth every anguish, every tear, if it means that he can see Yeonjun again, no matter how small. Worth it for the hint of recognition in his eyes, worth it for the moments he gets to steal.

"I've missed you," Yeonjun's voice is small and shaky.

"I know," Soobin smiles.

Soobin lets out a half-choked sob at that. Because he's heard this, he's heard this all before. But it hits him all the same, too - hard and too deep, while they're too close and too far. To his surprise, Yeonjun closes the distance between them, tiptoeing slightly until they're face to face. Soobin feels his breath catch.

"I've always wanted to do this," Yeonjun whispers, before leaning up and closing the distance between their lips. He kisses Soobin slowly at first, fervent and unhurried, and Soobin savours every bit of it- the hint of ramen on Yeonjun's lips, the signature smell of citrus he's missed so much. But as time passes, the kiss deepens, turning desperate and chaste, as if they could tether themselves to one another simply by kissing. And maybe they could, because Soobin can only hope that this never ends. He likes Yeonjun best when he's at the tip of his fingers, in his hands.

Yeonjun grows soft under his touch, but Soobin knows that everything will fade away soon, bringing his own world back into halting black, but in this moment, he gets to stay. If only things were easy, he thinks, but the feeling of the other boy's face in his hands make it worthwhile.

I have him with me, Soobin thinks, but he never truly does, save for moments like these that he steals. They're worth it, he thinks to himself, the last remnants of a future he was once promised, a future he'd long since lost. Choi Soobin isn't quite sure when this will vanish, when he'll fade into nothing, but in world, he breathes because of Yeonjun, wherever he goes, Soobin follows- overcoming even the most difficult goodbyes.

Eventually, they pull away. By then, Yeonjun is fading fast, and Soobin feels his world begin to darken, melding back into an empty void. The feeling of fingers skipping through his own fingers and giving his hand a tight squeeze is the last thing Soobin remembers, before his world is consumed by black.

If this moment passes

As though it hadn't happened,

I'm scared, scared, scared I'll lose you.

Chapter Text

Elsewhere, Yeonjun wakes up alone. The bed he's on feels achingly empty, like he's missing something, only he isn't sure what. There's a second pillow set up on the left side of the bed, untouched and empty, as if it were waiting for someone. Is it you? The beautiful stranger he'd seen last night, the boy who looked so much, perhaps too much like Yeonjun's Soobin. Is it true? Is it you?

The question haunts Yeonjun, but Yeonjun brushes off the feeling- he has things to do and places to be, no matter how much he wished to revel in this, revel in him a little longer. Sighing, he draws the curtains and opens up a the window, letting sunlight drift through. A hazy wind drifts through, gently stroking Yeonjun's skin, like the touch of a tender lover that Yeonjun can't reach. Out of the corner of his eye, Yeonjun could almost swear he catches a fleeting glimpse of him- dimpled smile, bright eyes and elastic cheeks - but it disappears as quickly as it appears, a sweet mirage. Still, Yeonjun feels him wherever his feet take him. It's as if he's possessed, like all of his soul belongs to the other boy. Unwittingly, he begins humming a song he'd penned before, just for him.

It's like I'm possessed, like all of me belongs to you
This emotion feels like it might suffocate me
Only you are my breath, only you are my truth
You're the one I don't wanna lose

But the boy in his dreams remains a spectre. There, but for some reason, Yeonjun can't reach him. He wonders if that was what Kafka felt, in the woods. Torn between an eternity cursed to wandering with his love, always lost, and a reality where he was alive, awake but deprived of her love. Caught between a life bereft of love and a dream filled with it - that could vanish any minute. Yeonjun's dreamt of a thousand mornings and a thousand goodbyes, but he misses him still.

+×+

"Hyung, promise me you won't do anything stupid once I'm gone," Soobin rasps, eyes soft and teary. He looked so frail - his cheeks were hollowed, his face an ashy grey, and yet his eyes were still full of light. "Live your life to the fullest, okay? Live for us," he smiles weakly, leaning up to cup Yeonjun's face, wiping away the tears that had already begun running down Yeonjun's cheeks. He'd always been a crybaby, much to Soobin's amusement (not that the younger boy was much better). The past few months have taken their toll on Choi Soobin, the countless hours of chemotherapy and medicine taking away bits of his colour, than bits of his hair, draining him of energy. Yeonjun was no stranger to Soobin's periodic absences from classes and paying him constant visits over the years, but something about this absence felt different. He's said a lot of good mornings and goodbyes to Choi Soobin before, but something about this visit felt permanent.

"I pinky promise that I'll live my life to the fullest and not do anything stupid," Yeonjun said solemnly, before raising up his right pinky. Letting out a wet chuckle, Soobin raised his free hand, intertwining their pinkies together.

"What are we, five?" Soobin teases, but he continues smiling. It's the most energy Yeonjun has seen out of him in months, and for a moment, he sees a glimmer of the healthy, normal Soobin return. Some part of Yeonjun would like to be five forever, where nothing and everything mattered, when there was no growing up to do and no realities to face. But he's sixteen now, and Soobin is fifteen - no longer kids, but boys at the cusp of adolescence - an odd age to be, when the world seems harsh and the tongues seem sharp. But Soobin's eyes are soft, and in an instant he takes up Yeonjun's entire world. He's quite a sight, pretty as he is, and Yeonjun swears he would spend every lifetime with him if he could.

"Maybe, " his voice trembles slightly, as if he's not quite sure if he should speak, "I'd like to be five again if it means I can spend more time with you," because he wanted to live and die with Soobin, wanted an eternity with him. But it's time that he won't get.

The hand cupping Yeonjun's face stiffens, and Soobin draws in a deep, steadying breath that sounds raspy enough it terrifies Yeonjun, a quiet reminder that every breath the younger takes from now on out could be his last. Though if you thought about it, every breath anyone took could be their last, a quiet marathon towards death. But Soobin's time was shorter than anyone had expected it to be, and Yeonjun didn't want to imagine a time after Soobin - he could barely remember a time before, because Soobin took up so much space in his life - a comrade, a confidante, a constant. And now…Yeonjun didn't even want to finish the thought.

"There's a lot of things I'm sad about in this life, Yeonjun-hyung. One of them will always be that I didn't have more time to spend with you." Tears began spilling down Soobin's eyes, mirroring the tears streaming down Yeonjun's own face. "But I want you to know that I don't regret any of it. I cherish every second we've had together, I love every moment and experience we've shared. It pains me the most to leave you alone in this world, but I promise, that just like was said that day - Even if we part ways, we'll meet again. I'm not sure when or how, but I promise I'll find my way back to you, no matter what."

This time, it was Yeonjun's turn to laugh. "You'll go against death for me?"

Soobin smiled, the touch of his hand against Yeonjun's face soft and gentle again. "I'd circumvent death for you," he leaned closer to Yeonjun, until their foreheads were pressed against one another, and Yeonjun's eyes fluttered shut instinctively. "I'd do anything for you, hyung. Don't you know that already?"

And before Yeonjun could answer, the younger boy pulled apart slightly, before pressing his lips against Yeonjun's own lips, pulling him into a chaste kiss.

It was their first and last.

+×+

As Yeonjun looks out of the window, a butterfly flies towards the windowsill, landing right in front of him. It's purple and blue, nearly incandescent - a beautiful creature in the warm glow of dawn, but Yeonjun is reminded of white wings and downy feathers. All he hopes is that it doesn't fly away, breaking Yeonjun's heart as it leaves.