Chapter Text
It hadn't been easy. Shouldn't it be easy? Leaving a monster behind. It should be simple, uncomplicated, not making you feel guilty. If life was fair, Ryan would've walked away from his father without thinking twice. Without guilt or sadness.
If only...
But life was not fair. Never had been. Mom had told him. Butcher had too. And dad...well, he had said he could do whatever he wanted without consequences. Maybe he should've seen it coming, Grace's words —He couldn't call her Aunt Grace anymore, not after what he did—, the truth. Ryan did not even think...
So he spent the last week running and thinking of going back. Thinking of going back to him. Despite everything. Despite what he did to his mother. How fucked was that?
How unfair was that?
How treacherous? Because it felt like treason. A betrayal to Mom and to Butcher. Mostly to Mom. Ryan was not an idiot, he knew that, deep down, Butcher was not all that different from Dad. But Mom... Mom had practically been an angel. A saint. The best person he ever met. The strongest. The smartest. And she was gone, because of Ryan. He had killed her. Not Stormfront, like Dad tried to say to make him feel better, Ryan.
Maybe that was why he wanted to return to Tower, to Dad, because he was a monster. Just like him.
Like father like son.
"Wipe your tears, kid" a voice adviced from close to him. Too close. Ryan wiped his tears to see a woman sitting on a nearby bench. He hadn't even notice her "they aren't gonna do you any good"
"Sorry" Ryan mumbled.
The woman snorted, leaning back against the bench with open arms. That park was empty, leaves of different colours moving through the desert field with the wind's help. It was a nice place, green with trees and grass. Ryan didn't even know where he was. He took off after...and that was it. He asked a couple of times, but the name didn't come to mind at the moment.
"Don't apologize, you don't know me, don't apologize to random people who just talk to you. You don't owe them shit"
Her response got a chuckle out of Ryan. It was funny. She was funny, Ryan could tell.
"You're probably right" with his eyes finally devoid of tears, he looked at her. A brunette in her mid twenties —Ryan learnt how to recognize people's age in the Tower, where everyone was older than him, but some were more sensitive about it. He never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings— with almond eyes and pretty. Not like Zoe was pretty. But more like her mom was. Still, really pretty "What's your name?"
His voice came out as a croak. In a way so embarrassing that his cheeks flushed.
The woman tilted her head.
"Why do you care?"
His eyes found the grass and the colourful leaves as soon as her answer came.
"Sorry" he muttered quietly, hoping his face wasn't completely red.
She was right, it was dumb to ask things to strangers.
"It's Luna" his gaze found her almond eyes then, watching carefully how she arched an eyebrow "My name, that is. And yours?"
"Ryan"
Luna hummed, a smile spreading across her face.
"I thought so"
Oh, shit.
She had seen him on TV, of course she had, everyone had. She knew who he was. Knew who his father was. Everyone knew. In no time Dad would come to find him and drag him back to the Tower. And Ryan wouldn't know what to do, maybe seeing his face would make him angry, maybe he would freeze, maybe flee. Maybe. Maybe. Maybemaybemaybe....
"I—"
"Don't worry, kid" Luna stood up, combat boots firmly on the ground, standing still, then walking to him "I'm no snitch. You're on the run, aren't you?"
His voice did not seem to work, his mouth was open, but no sound came out of him. Luna sniffed the air and stopped.
"You need a shower. Where have you been staying, exactly?"
Ryan just shook his head, neck stretched to look up to her. Someone who was a stranger. Someone he probably shouldn't be talking to. And despite that, he was talking to her.
"Nowhere" he rasped "I've been just...falling asleep on branches, but for a very short time. Everything is just so...I don't know, it's been hard, these last few days"
Luna placed her hands on her hips, eyes staring into the horizon.
"Don't you have any more family? Someone to stay with? A friend or something?"
In another life, he might've named Butcher —in another life Grace might've still be alive— , but now....No. No. Butcher wanted him caged and used like a weapon, just like Grace. He didn't care about Ryan. Never had. Who could blame him? After all, he was the reason Mom was dead. He was the reason—
"No" he breath out, unsure of if she could hear him.
"Alright" Luna sighed "This is gonna sound fucking creepy but, I have a motel room, with a shower. You know, if you want to stop smelling like a rotting corpse"
Ryan snorted.
"And you know how a rotting corpse smells like?"
With a smile, that had so furtively appeared on her face, Luna raised her eyebrows.
"Maybe I do"
Then, he smiled, he really hadn't wanted to, but he did.
"Okay" the soft agreement did not make his smile fade "you're right, I need a shower. And to eat something. I haven't eaten anything since I left the Tower"
"Shouldn't you be eating regularly? Because kids grow up and all that shit" a shrug "I don't know, my mamá always said I had to eat when I was younger. Like, all the time"
It must be nice, he thought, having a mother. It had been nice when Mom was alive, much better than it was now.
Said. Said. Her mother is dead.
"Is she dead?" he winced at his own words.
"Yeah" the response was quiet. So quiet. In a way that didn't match her personality at all "Anyway. Follow me, kid"
Ryan did.
Mom always told him to not trust strangers, and that was good advice, but it was not like anyone could really hurt him. Other than Dad and Soldier Boy. Most supes weren't strong enough to even bruise him, anyway. And if supes weren't, Luna wasn't either. So he would ignore Mom's advice, this one time. Just this one.
"Where are we going?" he had been silent the whole walk, because she had been, but now he was getting anxious. As it usually happened to him. In the horizon a mall could be seen —he could see it, at least— and the streets they were walking down were beginning to be filled with people. People who could recognize him "I don't think it's a good idea to go into a place with a lot of people"
Not only out of safety, but also because he didn't want to be with people. The loud noises made his head hurt, and everything was a loud noise lately.
"How old are you?" Luna asked, ignoring his words.
"Thirteen"
Luna did not stop walking while lowering her gaze to him. Ryan wasn't all that much smaller than her, but she still had to look down when speaking to him.
"Uh. God, I remember myself at thirteen" a snort "You're kinda soft, kid"
His brow furrowed so deeply, that if he was a cartoon it would be at the height of his nose.
"S-soft? What do you mean?" why did he stuttered now?
The noises were becoming louder and louder, and soon they were at the entrance of the mall.
"Follow me and be quiet"
Was that an order? Why did everyone want to order him around? Was it because he was soft? No, no. He wasn't soft. Ryan wished he was, because if he was soft Grace would be alive, Koy would be alive, his mom would be alive.
"Where are we going?"
Luna did not answer, she didn't need to. The moment he asked, Ryan was faced with a lot of clothes.
"Pick something"
There were rows and rows of clothes in blues, whites and reds. Like his uniform. It wasn't long until his eyes found an image of his father smiling next to the slogan: Dress like a real hero. It almost made him snort. It was something Dad approved of, definitely. Everything was, lately.
Luna twirled one of her rings —she wore nine, he counted them— steel against skin made an odd noise that brought him back to where he was.
"You're buying me clothes?"
"Something like that. Pick"
Ryan did, taking only light blue clothes. Mom liked light blue. Used to, when she was alive.
"I got them"
Luna nodded, eyes darting to the exit.
"Alright, now, run"
The cartoon face returned.
"What?"
She grabbed some of the clothes and just ran. Ran out of the mall at a surprising speed for a human.
"Hey! Hey!" the manager set his eyes on Ryan as soon as Luna bolted. Shit "Wait...you?"
Ryan ran too, clutching the clothes to his chest. He ran after Luna, easily catching her. Luna looked at him, without stopping, and chuckled. Her eyes where soon back on the road, to dodge people or signs. Effortlessly, as if she had done that so many times before. And maybe she had. No, she definitely had. She knew what to do. She was staying at a motel. She was a criminal. Of course she was. Ryan could never surround himself with normal people.
I don't deserve anything normal.
Luna stopped running before he did, right before hitting a streetlight. And she was barely out of breath. That was practiced too. He wondered how many times had she done something like that. And wondered again why he cared so little.
It was a roadside motel, the place they stopped. One of those typical to the TV shows about drugs and sex, shows he shouldn't have watched but watched anyway because Dad barely had any rules. Because Dad didn't know how to be a father. It didn't took him long to realize that.
"Here we are"
"Here? Really?" he could smell everything, hear everything. The stains, blood, piss, semen, the rats crawling up the walls, the hair in the drain. Disgusting. Ryan wrinkled his nose "Gross"
"What were you expecting, a five star hotel?" it was a mock, but it didn't hurt him "Don't worry, my room is clean. I held the manager hostage with a gun to his head to have it clean"
Ryan blinked.
"Is that a joke?"
But Luna didn't answer, she just walked toward one of the motel's blue painted doors. He followed her.
It's true that her room was clean—though Ryan preferred not to think about whether she had been truthful about threatening the caretaker—although he could still hear the rats, but not there. In the wall's of other rooms. Momentarily, he wondered how did they managed to make them leave those walls. It could be because of him, after all, most animals were wary enough to be scared of Ryan.
That made him sad, but he really couldn't blame them. He always hurt people, even if he didn't mean to.
"There's clean towels in the bathroom, take some of the clothes and take a shower. You're stinking my room"
His face heated up, probably turning red.
"Sorry" he muttered.
It was a relief to shower and put on clean clothes, even though they smelled like cardboard boxes and plastic, it made him feel a little better. A little safer. Why? He couldn't tell. It didn't even make sense, he didn't even know Luna. Then again, hadn't he felt safe with Dad, who was a monster? He had. So maybe Ryan just had a fucked up sense of security. Molded by everything he went through, to survive the world he lived in.
His hair was wet and dripping down his neck to his light blue shirt. There was a small wooden table on a corner of the room, filled with processed food that actually made his stomach growl. He normally wouldn't eat that, it was one of the only thing Mom and Dad agreed in: processed food was bad. But he was really hungry.
"You should eat" Luna was already sitting at the table, eating a burger of a large size "How long has it been again, since you last ate something?"
He sat in front of her, watching the burger somewhat warily, before taking a bit. It was terrible, it really was, but he was starving.
"The day I left. So five days ago"
Luna finished her burger really quickly. The rings of her ring hand made a annoying noise when they met the plastic bottle of water.
"Is Homelander that terrible of a father for you to run away?"
It was like a forbidden name. Dad's name. Only hearing it out loud made his stomach turn.
"I don't... It's complicated"
"Everything in life is" her response was so simple and fair, Ryan almost wanted to tell her everything "I mean, he does look like he sucks as a dad, so, can't blame ya"
"He doesn't suck" it felt like a lie. It was a lie "I mean, he does, but he tries. He doesn't know how to do it, though. He never had a dad or a mom"
When Dad told him that Ryan thought it explained a lot of things, it still did, but it also made him feel bad for him. His mind pictured a little boy who looked like him all alone.
"Right" Luna nodded slowly, as if she understood. As if she knew "I didn't have a father either. Just my mamá, and by the time I was your age, not even her" she's as alone as I am. The realization hit him kinda like that time Dad pushed him off the roof. Luna just seemed so cool and pretty, so independent, but she was alone too. Like him. "You don't see me catering to all those fucking right wingers, or dating a nazi"
Yeah, that wasn't great of him. Though, not surprising.
"I'm sorry" Luna's almond eyes shone with confusion "about your mamá. Mine died too"
His voice broke at the end of the sentence, it usually did when he talked about Mom.
Luna smiled sadly, and it was weird. Weird how some sense of kinship went through him in that moment.
"How did she die?"
But with kinship came something else. Something darker. Something very like Dad. Confusion, suspicion, paranoia. But, was it really paranoia? It was all so convenient, too convenient. A young woman who just happened to found him and offer help. Who would just take him in and tell him things about her life. No. Those things didn't happen in real life.
Ryan stood up so quickly, his chair was knocked to the floor.
"Who are you? What do you want from me? Did my Dad send you?"
She was not bothered at all by his actions, like, not all. Without paying any mind to him, she drank more water, swallowed and leaned back against the chair.
"Calm down. For what I know, Homelander doesn't want to hurt you, he just wants you back"
His eyes flared red.
"I'm not going back!"
But not even that seemed to bother her. She's a supe. Of course she was. Of course.... God, he was an idiot.
"Give me one good reason I shouldn't take you back and collect the money" her voice sounded so calm.
She was so fucking unbothered.
"How about I kill you!? I have done it before, I can do it again!" then you would not be able to send me back to him.
Luna smiled, and it was not a sad and understanding smile, not something that made him feel kinship. It was something different. Her teeth were white and perfect, but her canines were unusually sharp. Maybe she had some kind of ability to grow fangs.
"I'm stronger than I look like. You won't be able to kill me, but I could take you back. Why shouldn't I?"
His eyes were no longer blazing. It was almost as if he couldn't hold the heat vision for long. But he could, he had before. When Mom—
"Because he raped my mom! He raped her! She didn't want me and I killed her! It's all my fault! I'm just like him! I can't go back!"
Tears welled in his eyes and fell down his cheeks, his chest hurt and moved violently with sobs he couldn't believe he was showing in front of her. Ryan couldn't see Luna. Not in that moment. His vision was too blurry. Everything was too loud —the rats, the moans, the screams—. Everything was too much. Before even noticing, his knees were hitting the carpet.
Ryan wanted to scream, to run and hide, he wanted to—
And then there was a pressure on his shoulder. A warm pressure. And all the noises stopped. All he could hear was his own heart beating like it wanted out of his chest.
"Alright, kid. I won't take you back" it was only a whisper. An empathy-laced whisper. It wasn't pity, Ryan knew pity and that wasn't it "Okay?"
His hands rubbed against his eyes, wiping the tears and leaving his skin warm and red. Luna knelt down next to him, Ryan could see her, dressed all in black like some spy, brown eyes gleaming with understanding. Kinship.
"I can't trust you" that was a lie. He could, could and wanted to. Shouldn't would be the appropriate word "I can't trust you won't take me back"
"And you shouldn't" she nodded "but I can't fly, you can. You can leave me behind at any time you want or feel like it"
She could be lying. Maybe she was. But Ryan was tired, so fucking tired, and he wanted to believe her. Because if he didn't, there was nothing else. Nothing for him. No one.