Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Carla’s POV

Not many things shock Carla Connor, but her new fiancées dead wife rocking up certainly wasn’t what she expected a few weeks ago.

They had been great. Better than great. So in love. Newly engaged. Carla felt like her world was finally starting to fall in her favour. She loved Betsy like she was her own. She finally had the love of her life, who made her feel so secure, listened too and safe. They’d bought their home. Their forever home, their family home. Carla, Lisa, Betsy and Ryan. They made it their own. Well, Lisa just followed instructions where decorating was concerned. That was all down to Carla. Carla would always run the decisions by Lisa but she was always met with ‘yes darling, whatever makes you happy’. She really couldn’t care less, as long as it was liveable and practical. But Carla had a great eye for detail anyway, so win win for everyone.

How have I managed this? Carla often thought. How have I managed to come out the other side and be so happy? Because she was. For the first time in forever. She actually felt happy. Content. But now, the walking dead has arrived and to put it lightly, Carla’s last nerve is hanging on very very loosely.

Becky Swain. Dead wife, manipulator, narcissist, and all round arsehole. Just a few polite words Carla has for her. She keeps just rocking up. In my home. My family’s home. ‘Ohh yes darling stay for tea, I’ll pay and cook and clean while you sit around and have a merry time with my family. You can even come and sleep in mine and Lisa’s bed if you like?’ Carla is sick of her. Sick of her showing up, sick of the smug look on her face. She knows exactly what she’s doing. But why can nobody else see it? Why can’t Lisa see it? Some detective ehh?

And that’s where the sadness begins. That’s where it all goes wrong. I understand Lisa is all over the place. All these emotions going round in her head. But as the days go by, the more she seems to be accepting Becky into our lives. Playing happy family’s with her wife and daughter. And me? Where do I fit into all of this?

I feel sad. Not just sad but deflated. Anxious. Like a spare part in my own home. What do I do? Lisa hasn’t said she wants to leave me but she hasn’t given me any reason to stay either. Not once has she asked me about my feelings. She hasn’t cuddled me in a week. No kiss. She very rarely tells me she loves me anymore. When we go to bed, what was once our happy place, just now feels awkward. We face away from each other. No longer have our late night chats. And sex? What is that? We always had a great sex life. On another level to anything I’ve ever had before. But now. There’s nothing.

I love her more than life itself. That doesn’t just turn off. But maybe I need to let her go. I’ve thought about this a lot. But I can’t bring myself to leave. Her and Betsy. They’ve already been through so much. So here I am. Sticking around. Playing happy family’s with backhand Becky and acting like it’s fine for her to be included. Because until Lisa asks me to leave. I’ll stay.

Chapter Text

What a day she’s had. Everything that could go wrong at the factory, has gone wrong. Betsy’s been bunking off to spend time with her mum. Can we even call her that? The woman’s been dead for 4 years. Anyway, Carla has been a machinist down and had to play catch up all day. She can’t say anything. She’d jump on the machine herself if it meant that gobby little shit got what she wanted. She can’t say no to her. She has this hold over her , flutters her eyes and makes her cave. Her girl. She bloody loves her. Anyway, all will be forgiven as soon as she gets home, puts her feet up and chills with her family.

Carla opened the door,

‘hey darlings, I grabbed a bottle of red on my way home, what a day I’ve had’.

She looks up and any chance of having a normal day is shattered immediately. There she is Becky. Sat at her spot at the table. Smug grin on her face she would just love to punch off.

The old Carla would have done. Christ, she’d of had no hair left by now, she’d of ripped it that hard from her head. But now she’s engaged to a police officer. She has to be tame. God she wishes Michelle was here. She’d do the dirty work for her.

Carlas face drops, all the blood rushes from her body. They’ve ate without her. They never do that. They always wait for each other.

‘Hey’ Lisa greets her. ‘Sorry we ate without you, Becky said she had somewhere to be later so we couldn’t wait’

‘ohh erm, yeah no worries’ Carla stutters. ‘I’m not really hungry anyway’ A lie. Shes bloody starving.

‘I’m just gonna go upstairs and get changed’ Lisa gives her a smile.

A smile. Is that all? No kiss? No hug? Why is she even surprised anymore.

Carla busies herself upstairs, taking way longer than needed for someone to get changed. Hoping that maybe Lisa will realise and come to find her. But she doesn’t. She can hear the laughter coming from downstairs. ‘I can’t take this any longer’ she thinks to herself. There’s only one thing for it. She needs to get out of this house.

Carla creeps downstairs

‘Just nipping out’ she almost whispers. And leaves before Lisa has the chance to reply.

She walks across the street to the rovers and sits down in a booth. Drink is the only answer to her problems right now.

Some time later, Lisa is at home, sat on the sofa alone. Betsy long gone to her room. Ryan is working in the pub and Becky has finally left. She called Carla a number of times but each one going to voicemail.

‘What is going on??’ Lisa thinks to herself.
Her head is swimming. She never expected Becky to rise from the dead. Her feelings are everywhere. Yeah she loves Carla. So much. But Becky has always had some form of hold over her.

Feeling slightly worried about where Carla is, she tries her one more time. But again no answer. She probably just needs space. And Lisa will give her that. Just as she is about to go to bed, Lisa phone buzzes. She quickly reaches for it and sees Ryan’s name on screen.

‘Hey Ryan’ she says. ‘Look, I don’t know what’s gone on tonight but you need to come here and get Carla. She’s in a right state. She’s a mess Lisa. You need to fix this’ Ryan says and puts the phone down.

Lisa runs across road to the rovers. She opens the door and steps inside. The pub is empty. As expected, so close to closing time. She looks around and sees Ryan, who nods his head in the direction of Carla.

‘Carla, hey, darling, what’s wrong? Why are you so upset?’ She whispers, noticing the tear marks down Carla’s face.

‘You always wait for me’ Carla cry’s.

‘What do you mean?’

‘ we never have tea without each other. We never start family time until the family is together. Tonight, you chose her over me.’ The tears pour even faster.

Lisa grabs the chair next to Carla and sits close. She reaches for her hand, smoothing her thumb over her knuckles.

‘I’m sorry darling, I didn’t choose her, I wouldn’t never choose her. I love you. I was just trying to make Betsy happy’

‘Lisa, Betsy is 18, if she wants to spend time with her mum, that’s fine, but it doesn’t need to be in our home all the time’

‘I know, I know. I’m sorry. I’m just worried about all this gang stuff. I want to keep her close.’ Lisa replies. ‘Come on darling, you know you aren’t supposed to be drinking’

‘Lisa, you haven’t kissed me, cuddled me, asked about my feelings once in this whole thing’

Lisa’s face drops. She looks at Ryan who gives her a shrug. As if to say, well no, you haven’t.

Carla wipes at her face ‘if you wanna leave me then just do it. Just try not to break my heart along the way’

‘Carla no, I don’t want to leave you, I want us. And our life together. I’m sorry if I haven’t been the best partner to you lately, it’s just’

‘No Lisa, no it’s just this and that, I’m here. I’ve been here. And you haven’t noticed. You’ve not noticed when I’m sad. When I’m hurt. When I’m angry. You are it for me. But the way you’ve been acting lately, I don’t think I’m it for you’

‘Carla please’

‘No, I need time. I need space. I’m gonna move out for a bit. Let you live out your happy family fantasy. And if you really want me, you will make it clear’

‘Carla no, I choose you. I want you. Please don’t do this’ Lisa begs.

‘I have too. I’m gonna go to Roy’s. If he will have me. She’s even managed to ruin my relationship with him. I just need time’ Carla is angry now.

‘Okay, okay. I’ll give you time. But please let me walk you there. You’re in no state to be walking on your own’ Lisa asks.

‘No. I’m fine. Ryan will take me’ Carla states. And with that, they make their way to Roy’s, Lisa watching on from across the street with tears in her eyes.

What have I done?

Chapter Text

Carla woke up, her head pounding, mouth dry, eyes sore. She’d no tears left to cry. The start of her hangover beginning to creep in. ‘God I don’t miss this’ she thinks to herself. It’s been a while since she’s had a night of heavy drinking, promising Lisa she would take care of this kidney, wrap it in cotton wool, protect it with her whole being. But last night, non of that mattered. She didn’t care. Not once did she think about her health, all she could picture was her Lisa. Her love of her life and her dead wife bonding in her home.

Even though she had a lot to drink last night, she still stands by her decision. They need space. Some time for Lisa to truly decide what she wants. Or more so what she needs.

Carla reached for the glass of water on the side of Roy’s spare bedroom table. That must be Ryan’s doing. What a lifesaver. She checks the time. 10:00am. God she can’t remember the last time she slept in so late. Must be all those nights she’s spent awake recently finally catching up with her.

There it was. The text from Lisa.

Lisa: hey darling, hope your heads not too sore this morning. I know you said you needed space, but home feels so empty without you. I hate falling asleep when you’re not next to me. Please come home Carla. We can get through this. Me and you. Together. I love you xx

Carla left her on read and threw the phone down. She just feels so lost. So lonely. But going straight back home won’t fix anything.

It was late when Carla finally dragged herself out of bed. Hoping that things in her mind had calmed down a bit. She went to jump in the shower but stopped in her tracks. No clothes. Great. I’m gonna have to go and get something from home at some point. I can’t stay in these clothes for the foreseeable.

Carla pulled out her phone to send Lisa a text.

Carla: hey, is it okay if I drop by and grab a few bits? Really in need of a change of clothes.

The reply was instant

Lisa: Carla this is your home. You don’t have to ask to come around. I’m not in at the moment though. I got called into work. Really big case. Betsy is home though. I’m sure she’d love to see you xx

Okay, Betsy I can deal with. And I miss her like crazy too, she thinks to herself. She wanders downstairs and out the cafe, making the short distance across to number 6. She goes to put her key in the door but realises it’s unlocked.

‘Betsy, what have we told you about locking the door when you’re home alone, you never know what weirdos are hanging around’

Ohh great. Just the person I wanted to see. The weirdo in question. Becky bloody swain.

‘What are you doing here? Where’s Betsy?’

‘Oh she’s just gone out with her mates. Some sort of party. Thought I’d wait for her to come back. Make sure she’s safe’ Becky replied, smug face out in full force today.

‘You can’t just be here. This isn’t your home. If you’re not seeing Betsy and we aren’t home then you need to leave’ I shouted.

‘Ohh that’s not what Lisa said’ Carla looked at her, lost. ‘Lisa said I can stay here whenever I want. She told me last night you two broke up. Moved out. We had a really nice cosy family night’ Carla’s mouth twitched. Her anger rising. Blood boiling.

‘Just leave Becky!’ She shouted.

‘Okay, okay, no need to shout. I’m going’ as Becky passed Carla, she leant in and whispered in her ear ‘comfy bed by the way, nice choice’ and ran out the door.

That was it. Carla broke. How could she. How could Lisa do this to her. The message she woke up to this morning. Was it all lies? There’s one thing breaking her heart, but rubbing it in her face too. No, she won’t allow it. She won’t allow her to see the pain she has caused. Won’t give her the satisfaction. But inside, her heart is burning, chest is tight and she can no longer hold the floods of tears inside.

At least now I know where I stand.

Chapter Text

Lisa woke early, it had been a while since she got called into work for such a big case. A murder of a young girl. It always made her worry about Betsy. No matter how old she got she was always her baby girl.

The hours were difficult, but it’s what she signed up for. She didn’t get home till midnight last night, and now up and ready to get back to it at 6am.

This would be so much easier if Carla was next to her. Able to give her a good morning kiss, able to go down and make her a coffee. But no. She fucked that up too. Hurt her feelings. But it wasn’t intentional. Lisa loved Carla so much. It was always gonna be her.

Lisa never mentioned this to Carla, not wanting to speak bad of the dead, of Betsy’s mum, but things were not always great between her and Becky. The argument they had before she ‘died’ wasn’t just a one off. Becky liked things to be done a certain way. Liked Lisa to behave in a certain way, and Lisa’s way of being a good wife was to do them. Most of the time, even if she didn’t agree.

And maybe, that way of thinking is still in her mind. Still unable to say no to Becky, mainly for the sake of their daughter. But now she’d gone and upset Carla. Her Carla. Who just couldn’t understand Lisa’s rationale behind it all. If only Carla could read her mind. See how much Lisa idolised her. Then maybe she would understand.

Lisa got herself ready. Full DS Swain attire, ready to go and make the world a better place. She picked up her keys from the bowl, made her way outside. It was still dark out. She locked the door and made her way to her car. Surprised to see someone walking down the street at this hour. But with a second glance, surprised to see her Carla walking down the street.

‘Carla?, wait, please’ she started to walk towards her

‘Lisa leave me alone. You’ve made it very clear what you want. Don’t drag me down too. ‘ she spat

‘What? Carla, what do you mean. I haven’t spoke to you in days. Gave you the space you needed but my mind hasn’t changed. It’s still you. Still always going to be you. When are you coming home?’ Lisa asked.

Carla laughed ‘home? You mean to the bed you got in with your ex wife the other night? I’m not a mug Lisa’ and began to walk off.

‘What? Carla I …’

‘Save it, I don’t wanna know. I hope you’re happy Lisa’ but before Lisa could reply Carla had made her way into Roy’s and slammed the door.

Lisa stood frozen to the spot. ‘I’m gonna kill her’ she thought to herself.

She pulled out her phone and scrolled to Becky’s number.

Lisa: meet me at the house. 6pm. We need to talk.

Lisa’s day passed so slow. She couldn’t concentrate. All she could think about was the hurt on Carla’s face. That she thinks she has been sleeping with Becky. Cheating on her Carla. Her beautiful Carla.

She tried to concentrate on work, it’s what the poor young girl deserved. To get justice. To lock up the scum that did this to her. But she couldn’t.

She tried to text Carla, but no reply

Lisa: Carla please. You have to believe me. Nothing has happened. Please let me explain.

The day began to turn dark and before she knew it she was pulling up outside her house. She opened the door to find Becky already there. Stood in their kitchen.

‘Her Lise, how was work’

‘Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare act like we are a big happy family. How could you do this? To me? To Carla?’ Becky face dropped. Obviously thinking Lisa wanted to talk to confess her dying love for her and wanted to beg for her family back.

Obviously that was never going to be the case.

‘What do you mean? Lise come on, I don’t know what that bitch has said but’

‘No, no, don’t you dare. Don’t you stand in her home and call her that. She is worth a million of you! I love Carla more than I’ve ever loved anyone. Even you. You cant just die and then return and think we are all going to drop at your feet. That’s not how this works!’ Lisa was trying so hard to hold the tears in.

‘Lisa, I’

‘Carla and I were getting married. I still want too but looks like you’ve damaged that for me too! She was right. Maybe you should go back to being dead!’

‘Just leave Becky! I will get to the bottom of what really happened. I can’t trust you as far as I can throw you. Me and you are done. I’ve never been more serious in my life’ Lisa stated.

Becky for once’s was speechless. But still showed no emotion. Who was this woman. This isn’t the person Lisa married.

Becky turned to leave. But one final dig was on the tip of her tongue.

‘Ohh well, if I can’t have you, at least she’s out the picture now too. Nobody likes to forgive a cheat’ she smirks

Lisa lunges forward, but before she can reach her she is gone. She falls to the floor, arms wrapped around her knees and sobs. What now?

What now? Now you fight Lisa. You are DS Lisa swain. You open your mouth and communicate with the love of your life. You do everything you can to bring Becky down and show Carla that she is it for you.

Lisa wipes her tears, game face on, and begins the fight to win back her girl.

Chapter Text

‘Hey mum’ Betsy announced and plonked herself down on the sofa. ‘Where’s Carla. I feel like I’ve not seen her ages. I’ve not been working for a while and I know she’s been busy at the factory’

‘Ohh erm, well, she, she has just been busy, you know’ Lisa stuttered.

‘Mum has something happened?’

Lisa looked to the floor. Her eyes instantly welling up.

‘Mum, I’m an adult. Please don’t hide anything else from me’

‘I messed up bets. Really messed up. Carla’s gone’

‘Gone where?’ Betsy stood up, visibly upset.

‘She was finding the whole situation with Becky being back hard. We all were. But I failed to think about how she’s feeling. I missed all the signs bets. And something happened with your mum. But I don’t wanna push you away from her. You just got her back’ Lisa stated.

‘With mum?? What like you two had a thing?’ Betsy questioned. ‘Because that’s bad mum. That’s really shitty. Carla would never…’

Lisa cut her off ‘no, god no, Betsy I love Carla. More than anything. I would never intentionally hurt her. But your mum. She, she’

‘Just spirit out mum. I’ve been getting weird vibes from her this whole time. She’s definitely up to something, nothing you say will shock me. She lied about being dead for god sake’

Lisa sat on the sofa, pulled Betsy next to her. ‘She made out to Carla that we had slept together. And now Carla won’t talk to me. I’ve tried to explain but she won’t let me. You should have seen her face bets. She looks so hurt. So sad. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Apart from you of course, and I’ve blown it. I never could stand up to your mum, and now, even when she’s meant to be dead, she’s still controlling my life’. Tears spilled down Lisa ls face.

To her surprise, she felt the arms of her daughter wrap around her. Something she hasn’t felt for a long time. And she broke.

‘What if I talk to her. She will let me. We can’t let her go mum. She’s our family’ Betsy pleaded.

‘I don’t know what to do. But I know I don’t want your mum around here anymore. She causes nothing but trouble.

‘Yeah of course. We don’t need her mum. She’s been dead for 4 years. I thought I was happy to have her back, but really, I miss what we had before’ Betsy held her mum while she cried in her arms.

Over at Roy’s, Carla hadn’t left her room for hours. Days even. She hadn’t spoke to anyone. Hadn’t eaten. Hadn’t slept. She was a mess.

She has felt low at times in her life, but nothing compares to this. She’s drank enough alcohol to wipe out all the pubs in the north west. She’s really not taking care of this kidney. Does she care? Not one bit. If anything she’d be doing everyone a favour. Just like the letters said.

The letters. The ones she’s kept hidden from everyone. The ones from the one person she thought could never be so cruel. So heartless.

Her Lisa.

They had been posted through the door last night. The words on them enough for Carla to break.

To Carla,

I know we just bought the house, but it’s not ours anymore. Becky is back and that is everything I’ve ever wanted. Me and Betsy. It was nice to have you in her place and keep me company, but there’s just no need for you to be around anymore. Maybe it would bee easier if you and Becky swapped places now. If you were the one that was dead. It would be easier on us all.

Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. For Betsy sake.

Lisa

Carla read the letter 4 times. Surely she’s imagining things. No way could Lisa ever do this to her. But there’s a lot of things she thought Lisa wouldn’t do, and she has.

Then the second.

She wasn’t sure she could even read this one. The pain was too much.

Carla,

My mums back now. No need for you to play stepmother of the year. Leave us alone now yeah?

Betsy

This one was the final straw.
This one made her ill.
Her Betsy.
Her girl.
There’s no way. Maybe she had to do everyone a favour.

Chapter Text

Ryan was walking down the street when he spotted Lisa unlocking the door to number 6, just back from doing the weekly shop.

‘Lisa!’ He shouted. He ran to catch up with her. ‘Look, have you seen Carla? I know you haven’t been on the best of terms recently but I’m worried about her. I’ve not seen her in days and Roy has gone away to some train event and I’m just worried she’s all on her own?’

‘She won’t talk to me Ryan. Everything is such a mess. I don’t know what to do for the best’

‘I know, she really has put a spanner in the works that wife of yours ehh!’ He tried to joke.

‘Ex wife Ryan. And yeah, she’s not exactly top of my favourite people list. Listen if you hear from Carla will you give me a text. I just wanna know she’s okay’ Lisa asked.

‘Yeah course. I’ll head over there now. See if she’s okay’ Ryan turned to walk the short distance to Roy’s.

Lisa couldn’t bring herself to go inside just yet. Just going to wait patiently on the doorstep until I know Ryan has gone to see her like he promised. She thought to herself.

Ryan let himself into Roy’s. When there was nothing more to see Lisa opened the front door. She left it open while she made the few trips back and forth to the car carrying the heavy shopping bags inside.

On her final trip, she locked her car and made her way back to the house. Just about to close the door when she heard her name.

‘Lisa!!!’

Lisa turned and was met with Ryan, trying to catch his breath as he ran towards her at pace.

‘Calm down Ryan you made me jump’

‘Lisa no! Look at this! Please tell me this wasn’t you!!?’

He shoved a bunch of papers into Lisa’s hand and stood heavy breathing while she read through them.

Lisa was stunned. Frozen. Her heart sank.

‘No Ryan. This wasn’t me. I could never’ her hands were shaking, trembling while holding the paper.

‘I think we both know who’s done this’

‘What did Carla say?’ She asked??

‘She’s not in there. I just found these on the bedroom floor’

‘Factory now!!’ Lisa demanded.

‘Ryan, we have to find her! I’ve got a really bad feeling about this. Please Ryan, we have to find her’ Lisa pleaded.

Leaving the door to number 6 wide open, they sprinted across to the factory. Only one thing on Lisa’s mind. Carla. Where is she?

Please be safe. Please be safe. Lisa wasn’t religious, but right now she prayed to every god known, please just keep her safe.

Lisa burst through the factory doors. Shes got to be in here, the door was unlocked. She made her way to the office. Ryan trailing behind her, trying so hard to keep up. For someone so tiny, she certainly was quick when it came to finding her family.

Lisa stopped so quickly, Ryan ran into the back of her.

‘No!, no, no, please’ she cried.

Ryan looked over Lisa’s shoulder and looked at the scene infront of her.

There she was.

Carla. Out cold on the factory office floor. A bottle of vodka and a concoction of pills next to her. And a note. Not like the ones that Ryan had found in Roy’s.

This one was addressed to Lisa.

Ignoring the note Lisa ran to her side and dropped to the floor.

‘Carla, baby! Wake up. Wake up please’ she grabbed her face in both hands. Almost shaking her cheeks for any form of response. But there was nothing.

‘Ryan, ring an ambulance. Ryan!!’ She screamed at him. Hoping that the louder she shouted, the quicker help would get here.

‘Carla, please wake up. I need you. I didn’t even get to tell you I’m sorry. Please baby. Please come back to me’ she sobbed.

It felt like hours. But really it was minutes later, Lisa felt a hand on her shoulder pull her away.

‘Please miss, move away then we can get in and help her’ the paramedics said.

‘I can’t leave her. She already thinks I didn’t choose her once. I’m not letting her think that again’

Ryan approached and pulled Lisa into a hug. ‘Come on, I’ve got you. Let them work on her. They can help’. He tried to soothe.

‘ What if they can’t. I can’t lose her’

Ryan held her. She cried and cried until finally there was nothing left.

‘We’ve got a pulse. It’s very faint but it’s there. She’s a very poorly lady. We need to get to hospital as soon as possible. Does one of you want to come with us?’ The paramedics asked.

Lisa followed in the ambulance, holding tight to Carla’s hand, and also the letter than she had wrote her.

What did Carla need to say?

Chapter Text

The paramedics led Carla out the ambulance and through the hospital. Lisa running behind. Never once leaving her side. They took her into a room but stopped Lisa before she had chance to go in.

‘Please, let us do our thing. I promise you we will take good care of her’. The young nurse said.

‘I’ll be right here. Please tell her I’m right here. And hold her hand. She loves it when I hold her hand’ Lisa almost whispered, wiping the tears from her eyes.

‘I will do, just give us some time. As soon as I have an update I will let you know.’

As the nurse stepped into the room Lisa leant on the wall right outside. It was just her. All alone until Ryan made his way to join her. She was numb. Lost. Broken. But why?? Why did Carla do this.

Lisa removed the letter from her blazer pocket and began to read.

My beautiful Lisa.

I read the letters that you and Betsy wrote me. To say my heart is broken is an understatement. But I understand. Nobody has ever chosen me. I don’t know why, but clearly I am the issue.

I just want you to know that I have took on board everything you said. About me swapping places with Becky. And maybe it is for the best. You always do know best. Not just for you. But for me too because I can’t live without you. It will save me the pain, and you will be able to live your life to the fullest with your wife and daughter.

I hope you do that. I hope you are so happy Lisa because you deserve it. I don’t regret any of the time I had with you. You’ve shown me more love than I could ever of imagined. I am so grateful. You are beautiful, kind, hard working and even though you have funny ways of showing it, you would do anything for the people you love.

I love you Lisa swain. I’ll go knowing that I loved you until my last breath.

Give Betsy a hug for me.

My love. Always.

Carla.

The silence that surrounded Lisa was haunting. The buzz of the hospital she was sat in was gone. The only thing her mind was focused on was the words on the paper.

The sadness. The image of Carla thinking that her not being here anymore was something Lisa wanted. Even asked for. The thought of her not feeling. Good enough. It killed her inside.

She really is the most selfless person she’s ever met. Lisa stands at the window of the hospital room. Begging for her to be okay. She looks so tiny in the hospital bed. Full of wires and needles in her arms. Her dark hair wavy across the pillow. She almost looks peaceful.

What felt like a lifetime, the nurse finally appeared.

‘Shes stable. We lost her at one point. But god that woman is a fighter. Seems like she’s really got something to fight for’ she smiled ‘you can go and see her now’

If only you knew. Lisa thought. My Carla feels so low, yet she’s still trying. That’s Carla all over. Never gives up on the people she loves. Now I need to make sure she understands I’ll never give up on her.

Chapter Text

Lisa slowly made her way to the door. The only thing separating her and Carla. She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath before walking inside.

Carla’s eyes were closed. She was still. Lisa could see the faint rise and fall of her chest, thanking everyone and everything that has allowed her to see that sight again. Something we take for granted every single day. She just stood and watched for a while. Unable to bring herself to move closer.

She finally did. Lisa took a few steps towards Carla and settled down into the chair next to her. She was almost afraid to touch her. Was she allowed? Did Carla want her too? But she couldn’t help herself. She took Carla’s had in hers and stroked her way from her fingers down to her wrist. The tears started to fall now. She was very close to never being able to feel her soft skin against hers again.

Lisa had been sat there now for around 20 minutes. Unable to let go of Carla’s hand. ‘God she’s so beautiful’ she thought. How could she ever have made her feel like she doesn’t belong?

Lisa felt the soft squeeze of her hand

‘Carla, hey, it’s okay, it’s okay’ Lisa whispered as Carla’s eyes peeped open.

‘Don’t move, you’re okay. You might feel bad for a while but you’re gonna be okay’ Lisa stroked her head.

‘I tried Lisa’ Carla whispered. Showing signs of great effort to even get those words out.

‘I tried to do what you said. I’m sorry it didn’t work’

Lisa heart broke all over again.

‘Darling no! I’ll explain when you’re well enough but please don’t ever think I wanted you to go. I can’t live without you Carla. You’re my world’ Lisa said. She moved over and placed a soft kiss on Carla’s cheek.

‘Baby, you are so loved. You have no idea how much you mean to me. You are the easiest person to love, you make me feel so loved, and I’m so sorry I didn’t make you feel the same way. I’ll spend the rest of my days trying to prove that to you if you’ll let me’ Lisa was trying so hard to get her words out. To make sure Carla understood.

‘I promise I’ll explain everything darling, but please for now, just rest. Because I need you here, with me. I’ll always need you’

Carla gave Lisa’s had a soft squeeze and closed her eyes. Allowing herself to rest as much as possible.

But what could Lisa need to explain?

Chapter Text

Two days had passed. Carla was starting to feel better physically. She’d been told by the doctors that she was able to go home. Home? What was that. She was just waiting for her prescription and then she was free to go. Physically, she was better. Alcohol free, drug free. She was great. Mentally? Yeah, that’s not so great.

Lisa had been with her every day. Spending as much time with her as possible. Fussing. Trying to show her how much she meant what she said. But they hadn’t talked. Not properly. And Carla couldn’t help but think about those letter. The words playing in the back of her mind.

Lisa walked into Carla’s hospital room

‘Hey love. How you feeling?’ She asked.

‘Yeah I’m okay. Better. I just wanna get out here now.’ Carla replied.

‘Yeah I bet. Hopefully they won’t take long now, and we can get you home’ Lisa gave her a smile.

‘What’s home? Nothing feels like home anymore’ carla said. Her voice so small. Quiet as a mouse.

‘Baby. Don’t say that. You’re my home. You will always have a home with us.’ Lisa sat on the edge of Carla’s bed and reached over to grab her hand.

‘Do I? The letters Lise. I read them and I heard what you said. I tried to make you happy and set you free’ The tears were now coming fast. ‘But it didn’t work, I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry’

‘Carla no! Stop. Please just stop. Please don’t say that. I didn’t write those letters baby. It wasn’t me. I love you so much Carla. I love you more than life itself. You’re my world. I can’t imagine my life without you’

Lisa reached for Lisa’s cheek. Her thumb rubbing soothing circles. ‘Don’t ever think that I would say those things to you Carla. I don’t want to live in a world without you. I want to marry you, live with you. I want to love you. If only you could feel what I feel for you’

‘Lisa, I don’t understand. If it wasn’t you, then who wants me dead?’ Carla asked. Her face confused and her voice trembling.

Lisa sighed. She took hold of both of Carla’s hands and looked her in the eye.

‘My love. I’m so sorry. It was Becky!’