Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

'Philza's zoo' wasn't the most popular tourist attraction in Las Nevada. Still, their considerable herd of Mooshrooms, which only grew with each passing rotation, and notoriously ill-tempered creepers had a regular enough audience. Streams of educational field trips and family excursions kept the zoo afloat, for the most part anyway.

At the end of each financial rotation they could count the few coins of profit that they actually made on one hand. They could barely afford the attractions that brought in customers, let alone the ones who were grimaced at and ignored.

So, when a rogue cargo ship crashed into one of the back fields, and an adolescent male of the most deadly species to ever be discovered stumbled out, they were quick to make room for a new enclosure.

Phil was finishing paperwork he had been putting off for over a week when the incident occurred. A loud crack and a bright, flashing light flying past the window were the first indicators. Then the herd of Mooshrooms was illuminated by an explosion of fire and shrieking metal. Thankfully, they had invested in fire barriers after a creeper escaped. The barriers had suppressed most of the shock wave, saving the thirty-plus Mooshrooms standing barely a mile from the crash.

Techno had burst into his office only moments after he had even processed what had happened. When they had reached the site, half of the small selection staff who were on duty at the time were trying to calm the more delicate animals, and the other half were attempting to convince the curious Mooshrooms away from the commotion. Sam, who usually dealt with the Creepers, was holding onto three infant Mooshrooms, yelling out orders and frantically trying to lead the pregnant heifers away.

"Phil! There you are. We have half the herd in front field C, but these are due any day, and we just don't have accessibility if anything goes wrong, from there."

"Take the ones who are due to Back field 6. Are the Sniffers in there? Damn. That won't work. Uhm- Take them to-" A shrill scream stopped all of the overlapping discussions. The usually quiet intern stood frozen, staring at the ship, before fainting on the spot. Phil turned towards the girl staring in confusion through the mumbling crowd.

The adolescent Mooshroom she was holding sniffed her head before looking off into the distance, towards the smouldering heap of metal. Its knobbly legs let it stumble forward slightly. Its quiet, squeaky 'moo' sounded like thunder as the audience started to recognise what creature had caused the intern to faint and the curious little calf to head towards.

A Terran.

Human.

Earthling.

Whatever you called it, the fear that travelled through the name never changed.

Humans had been discovered barely 100 rotations ago, but the stories of what they could do had been spread across the galaxy like wildfire. At first, people had tried to deny the outlandish tales that accompanied the few genuine survivors, but by the time the council heard about the creature's camera footage from almost a hundred wrecks, it had already been leaked. Each followed the same sequence.

A few humans, no more than ten at a time, were taken from their home world, and their abductors, usually Dreamons, began 'research' on them. Research wasn't really the right word for what they did.

Experiments were better.

Torture was true.

Eventually, the humans would get sick of being treated worse than lab rats and stage a revolt. Balled up paws would crack skulls. Dull claws would sink deep into chests. The humans would realise that they were stronger than they realised, and a massacre would ensue. In one of the videos, the group of humans included a smaller version of themselves. A child. The scientists had grabbed the young one by the fur on top of their head and pulled it from the cage. The hand was still clutched tight when it was severed from the limb.

Two things were certain about Humans:

1. They can and will kill you.

2. They will do anything to get what they want.

And there was one thing that Phil knew.

This one would make an amazing attraction.

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"Phil, are you sure about this?" Techno grumbled. His usually monotone voice had a sharp undertone of worry. As head of security, he was really questioning Phil's idea of bringing a human (the living embodiment of danger) in as an attraction, at the zoo.

"Yes. For the hundredth time, I am sure, Techno." Phil chuckled slightly as he watched Techno's hulking figure pace around the office.

"We don't have the staff to care for it."

"We can hire new staff. A human will be a big hit for customers."

"It will need a lot of enrichment. At least one activity a day."

"We'd best start coming up with ideas then." Techno stopped his pacing to glare at Phil, taking in his pristine black wings. He had obviously preened them in the time it took for Techno and the rest of the security team to drag the human, who had luckily collapsed only steps away from the Mooshroom calf that had decided to make a new friend, to the med bay.

"It will need constant surveillance... A full team just to distribute meals. What if its enclosure needs fixing?"

Phil smirked, cocking his head to the side, "Sounds like a you problem, Tech. I know how you love to come up with plans."

"I want a raise."

"Done. Have the full plans on my desk by tomorrow, and the human is yours." Techno paused at Phil's confident words. How had he been convinced not only to keep the human at the zoo, but Phil had somehow turned this discussion into Techno taking over the entire overview of the human's care?

After a few long moments of silence, Techno huffed his agreement and stalked his way into his own office. This damn human. It was going to be the death of him, just hopefully not literally.

The plans were easy enough to draw up. At the moment, the human was knocked out with enough tranquilisers to take down the ender dragon herself, and apparently was still twitching and grumbling in its sleep. They would need at least four doses on hand at any given time, in case the human found something wrong with its enclosure. The plans only got more and more extreme as the day went on.

Ponk, from the Med staff, had been chosen to do an intake exam on the human and had found that they were omnivores. Great for adding an enrichment activity of berry bushes to the enclosure but it was unusual for the level of violence that humans caused. Techno had only heard of two other times that a human had been successfully captured long enough to place them in a zoo environment.

One of these places had placed it into a concrete box and had watched as the thing went mad, before scaling the walls using indents they had made by grinding their own claws against the walls and ripping apart every living being it saw. Hundreds of onlookers had been left in critical condition, if not dead, before the authorities had managed to injure it enough to get it into a secure cage. Witnesses reported that even then, the human had let out piercing screams and shouts of inconsolable rage. The next week the council sent out a report stating that the human had succumb to its own injures, but the photos they released made it obvious that the only thing that could kill a human was itself.

Techno would need to make sure that the humans mental health was also monitored alongside its physical.

The second case had a significantly better ending. The human that had been captured seemed a lot older than the first, it didn't put up as much of a fight whenever it was moved or cared for. Of course it had still taken down over twenty trained keepers during its stay but its fur was thin and lacked colour. Even its skin was wrinkled and hanging limply off its skeleton. One day, its keepers had entered the enclosure after it didn't collect its meal and found it dead inside its favourite hiding place. A few people had mourned. Mainly its daily keepers but still, its body was given to the council to research on, to further understand the human race.

Techno would made sure that Ponk double checked what area of the lifespan that their human was currently in.

By the end of the day, Techno had the plans formatted, priced, and labelled on Phil's desk alongside the paperwork that was needed to complete his raise and assign the budget for how many new staff he would need to hire. The folder barely stayed shut, filled to bursting with graphs, job applications and pages of notes on each the pros and cons of each candidate.

Chapter Text

Philza's zoo, while not particularly popular for outings, was now the only place in the entire galaxy where you could have the opportunity to work with a live human, so resumes of farmers, bodyguards, and even those who specialised in learning species-specific body language, poured in like a tsunami as soon as Techno released the notice.

They called all three thousand applicants on the very next day, anxious to get everything ready for the human before they ran out of sedatives. After almost 12 hours of straight interviews and background checks, they had ultimately hired six people.

Ranboo, an Ender hybrid, had several languages and studies in animal behavior under his belt, even as a young adult.

Tubbo, an Anthophilia who specialised in growing exotic plants and also had an engineering degree that would help in building the human’s enclosure around the hundreds of strange species of plants that it would need.

Fundy, a shapeshifter, who could make delicious meals out of almost anything, at least according to his many references from prestigious schools and famous celebrities.

Bad, who was of an unknown species but could calm even their most hostile creeper with just a few words.

Skeppy, who came alongside bad but would be extremely useful within the guards due to his thick, crystalline skin.

And, finally, Puffy, who actually already worked for them but in the marketing department. She had come forward at the end of the day and asked if she could work with them, closer to the human, so that she could get a better look at how the human worked and hopefully find interesting activities that they could display for the customers.

That night was spent with Phil, Techno, and the new team running hundreds of possible scenarios of how the human could try to break out or injure itself inside the enclosure, and making detailed plans on every possibility.

Finally, just as they had used up the last sedative, everything was deemed ready.