Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was a quiet morning that day. It usually was, these early sessions of the games; Before everyone understood the twist, before everything started falling apart, before friends became enemies and teammates become traitors…

It was quiet and BigB was okay with that. It was his kind of morning. No running about everywhere, no trying to get things done, why some of his friends seemed to turn manic to try and rush everything was a mystery…

He ignored his own shining diamond armor that he had made just this morning, a result of the hours spent last light mining and searching. That was completely different.

It was.

He had the armor, not for preparation of deadly traps and mind games, but rather it was merely a byproduct of his late night thoughts. Everyone else seemed to only be getting iron and diamond for their own protection.

BigB wasn't worried about that.

At least, he wasn't consciously worried.

Okay, his thoughts hadn't settled too much from the night before, so he'd probably end up with plenty more resources by the end of the day again. What could he say? The mindless gathering helped him focus.

And what he really needed to focus on was Scar.

Scar, who had come across BigB yesterday and reached out a hand of friendship…

He kept trying of think of how it could go wrong.

Something about Scar always set him on edge. The other's behavior and jovial attitude, how he managed to always come out on top, even if you were sure you finally got one over him. Scar always seemed to win.

He partially blamed Grian.

Oh, who was he kidding, he fully blamed Grian.

From all the way to the first games, when BigB felt out of place with the others, knowing only a couple from years ago… He'd found Grian, and the man had basically told him to stay away from Scar and not trust him.

He'd kept his distance from most players that game, making tentative alliances with the Red Keep of Dogwarts, but he was too separate to really feel a part of the team. Instead, he just watched. Watched as Grian warned everyone away from Scar, watched as every other team made deals that they felt never came to completion… watched as Scar got targeted again and again, only to wind up on top, right next to Grian.

It was incredible to watch. Incredible, and terrifying.

The swing of an axe and the rustle of leaves filled the air as birds scattered as the tree came done. BigB wiped the sweat from his brow and rearranged his inventory to fit a new stack. He didn't know what he was grabbing them for, but wood always seemed to be useful, so might as well stock up.

Might as well do something because there was no getting out of the games once they started.

You can try to ignore it, play the game your own way, but it keeps coming back, dragging you along with it.

Last Life was an example of that, where he tried to live a simple life in the woods with Lizzie and Cleo. No worries, no big plans, just a Fairy Fort and a moment of peace…. Only for it to all be shattered by his own hand.

BigB squeezed the axe handle tightly, ignoring the wooden splinters that dug into his fingers. Last Life was all well and good until the Curse came for him.

He didn't do well under pressure. He kept his cool on the outside, acting all mysterious, as if he had everything under control, but it was a lie. A lie that the Watchers knew and took advantage of. They opened him up for all his friends to see far sooner than he wanted and on worse terms then he ever would have.

Even now, he knew Cleo hadn't forgiven him… Cleo, who had been his teammate, whom he had had to betray and kill lest he fall to the Curse himself. Why did that betrayal feel so heavy? Weighing him down all these seasons later? It was so early on in the games, when everyone was still feeling things out, when it was all so new.

And yet, don't you dare forget how BigB betrayed his team.

Strange how his other teammates didn't fault him for it. Lizzie never seemed to hold a grudge, neither did Ren. Cleo was… unfortunate, but understandable. It was everyone else. Everyone else that kept the thought in the back of their minds.

'Keep an eye on BigB', 'BigB has his own agenda',

There was a certain tenseness from others when interacting with him. Small, maybe not too noticeable if you weren't aware of it, but obvious at the same time.

Was this how he treated Scar? This hesitancy, the tendency to placate the man so as not to get on his bad side, but not trusting him either.

Could Scar see his own behavior? Did he know the source?

BigB thought back to Last Life again, where Scar was separate almost from the get go. He'd tried to make deals once more, but people were more aware from the first game, less willing to let things go and more wary of his shrewd business deals.

It was that same behavior from 3rd life, but with no Grian to offset him. No surely attitude to contrast and bounce off of, to help people let their guard down. Grian had unintentionally let others believe Scar was harmless, even as he said the opposite.

BigB thought it almost funny. Grian knew the truth and tried to share, but his own behavior made others take it as a joke. So when it was shown to be true, Last Life highlighted that. Scar was dangerous and conniving, even as he hid it all behind a smile.

Maybe that was why BigB went against the SoulBond in the next game. Maybe that was why he agreed to be Grian's Secret Soulmate. It would have been 3rd Life all over again with that pair, and BigB didn't know if he could have handled that, could have handled Scar at his best once more.

Or maybe he was clinging to any connection he could. He had just betrayed his team. Cleo was staying distant from her own soulmate, and Lizzie wasn't there. That only left him with Ren. Ren, who let him be himself, methodical, a bit distant, and still so hesitant in the games with all these new people… would BigB be forced to betrayed him again? Would Ren still be so understanding? Instead of daring to confront those questions, BigB had taken the cowards way out and clung to Grian as soon as the man offered.

He shut his eyes and sat on a newly made stump. Double Life was hard for him. Another reminder of another mistake. Was it those two choices, one right after another, that brought on the distrust from his Teammates and the other Players? It didn't feel fair. He hadn't been the only one to go against the SoulBond.

Those were sacred, far more than other team ups.

Martyn and Cleo… rocky during the game, but still seemed naturally drawn to each other. Pearl and Scott, the messiest of the bunch, but the ending seemed to smooth things over between the two of them. Impulse and bDubs, a bond strong enough to override any betrayal from past games.

Tango and Jimmy, and Joel and Etho, strong pairs that still had traces left over even now. Nothing against each other, but hesitant to act as enemies all the same. They were happy, they were strong.

Grian and Scar.

Grian, one of his oldest friends, the one whose judgement BigB let influence him… and Scar, the man this was all about.

Thinking through all the Seasons, through all the games, BigB takes a moment and just breathes.

Past Life, though they joked about it, the Rejects still had that silly rule specially made for him… anytime he found himself wondering towards his own base or mentioning the Titanium Egg, they would act as though he were were getting ready to jump ship, begging him to stay, convincing him of all the reasons why they were good together.

Wild Life was filled to the brim with distrust. They claimed him and yet again, the moment it was hinted that there could be betrayal, Cleo spurred on talks of his past actions. Never a moment to breathe, always walking on eggshells and standing on the outside of their walled base.

Secret Life was good. It was okay, because Tango and Skizz were wrapped up in themselves. BigB was third-wheeling, but he didn't mind. He knew that going in, that they just wanted to pad their numbers. He was still a part of the team, just… not as important.

…

Why is it always so messy?

He wants the separation and to still be included. Is that too much to ask for? To not be doubted the moment he steps away to get a little breathing room?

BigB lets his axe fall to the ground, hands shaking as he tries to calm his racing thoughts. He is taking too long to choose. Will that just make the doubt grow?

He didn't dare think there wouldn't be any doubt. Everyone seemed to doubt him, at least a little bit.

"Oh my goodness, well isn't this a fine morning to come across you!"

BigB bit his tongue in surprise, holding back a yelp as Scar strode into view. The man's gait as sure as ever as though he had known exactly where BigB had been gathering materials. It was disconcerting to feel so exposed even as the wilderness surrounded them. He thought he'd traveled a fair distance, and yet Scar had still found him.

Not that he had been trying to hide from Scar. That hadn't been it at all, he just wanted some time to think without anyone bothering him. Too many distractions made it hard to decide. He didn't want others influencing him

Will Scar think he is insincere if they were to team up? Would there be that doubt and distrust as so many others had expressed in past games? It has taken him a long time for him to decide. Would Scar hold it against him?

"O-oh, hey Scar!" He called back, trying to hide his nerves. It didn't feel like he did very well, but there wasn't much he could do but continue on. "How have you been?"

He asks and he is genuinely curious, but he's not expecting much of an answer. It had only been the night before that they had last seen each other and with no new deaths to report since then, was there really much to share?

BigB had noted it himself this morning. It was quiet.

Scar took the question with a smile though. "Oh nothing too extraordinary." He was calm, in control, like he knew everything was going to work out for him, and BigB just couldn't fathom how he kept that attitude up all the time. "Just thought I'd check in on you, see if you've made a decision about my prompo- popos, p-" Scar made a soft raspberry sound and shook his head, switching away from the offending word, "-offer to team up."

BigB couldn't help the smile that snuck on to his face at Scar's stuttering. Even as words failed him, he made them work for him, never letting that stop him or slow him down.

"I mean, I've definitely thought about it," -the bags under his eyes supported that- "Just curious about why you'd want me though," BigB admitted, almost wary.

People have said they want him, talked about his strength and skills to no end, but they still seemed surprised when he says yes. They are all on guard when he then continues to play his way.

Scar almost scoffs. "What kind of question is that? Of course I want you, BigB! Who wouldn't?"

It was rhetorical, what Scar was asking, but BigB couldn't help but answer back, "Cleo," biting his lip the moment the name escaped.

Scar frowned, "Well, I mean I guess, but they are a special case. Anyone else would be lucky to have you!"

BigB let a silence fall over the two of them, the only sounds being the gentle rustle of leaves and what ever ambient noise nearby mobs created. "I-I don't know, I've already started a bit of a base," he said, hedging away from giving an actual answer. Maybe he had become more sure earlier this morning, but suddenly having Scar here threw it all off.

Scar gave a congenial grin, not in the least bit bothered by the response. "Well, I mean, if your open to having a friendly neighbor!"

BigB let a small smile grace his face, touched at the offer. It did sooth him to have that out in the open. BigB always liked to have a place of his own, even just for a moment of silence where he knew he wouldn't be disturbed. Other teammates placated that wish, let him have it, but it always seemed to be a sore spot whenever he actually tried to continue using it. He'd always have to remind them that it was there, that he wanted that bit of space and then suddenly it was like he was pulling away like it was something new, like he was suddenly betraying them for a bit of space.

"'Neighbors'?" He repeated, still wary of committing to anything.

Scar continued to give that knowing smile, full of life and power. "Of course!" Scar babbled more about what that would mean, how he would gladly share a lapis or two like a neighbor would share sugar for cookies. Not the kind of thing where you would walk right in their house and rifle through each other's chests at anytime, but close enough that it would be safe to ask, to know the other would be happy to help. Boundaries and distance that BigB needed… that he never quite felt he got.

Scar continued talking, all the while letting BigB think, seeming to recognize that he still needed that time. Scar didn't mind. He let BigB go at his own pace, confident in what the end result would be.

Confidence

He finally put a name to Scar's behavior.

Throughout all the games, Scar was confident. Whether it be in his own skills or in his teammates, he exuded confidence in everything he did. It made it easy to underestimate him, because he seemed to never let it dim. How could someone be so confident when these games were so volatile and intense? Surely it was just Scar being oblivious instead.

When players betrayed him and he just returned it with a smile, surely it was just him being too optimistic and naive to realize what they were doing. It couldn't possibly be more…

BigB stared at Scar, trying to see how the man could go about life with such confidence. It felt so relieving to finally put a name to it, because now BigB knew why he was so uncomfortable around the man. Everyone had insecurities to some degree, and BigB had a nasty habit of letting his own get to him in the game. Seeing Scar and his confidence was off-putting. It made B nervous and he'd never been able to pin down why he felt wrong-footed while Scar seemed to jaunt through it all with such ease.

Now he knew.

"Aren't you worried I'll betray you?" The words were out before BigB could really think about it, cutting off Scar's rambling. It was always in the back of his mind, how others would perceive his behavior and personal boundaries.

Scar's smile fell just the slightest bit, only noticeable if you were looking for it. Instead of the usual confidence filling his face, it became a bit more genuine, a little bit of worry slipping through. And for an instant, BigB hated himself for bringing it up. He already knew the answer, he already knew that everyone saw him as untrustworthy. Why bring it up? The games were hard enough, let alone trying to handle them without a team. He wanted to be on a team with people. He just… what if they didn't trust him?

"Are you worried you'll have to?" Scar asked.

It was a simple question and if BigB wanted to, he could twist it to fit his own narrative. He could see Scar asking that as a way to avoid the question. 'He doesn't want to answer because he is worried I will betray him. He is worried just like everyone else is. No matter the game, no matter the team, it will always be there. You've lost your chance and you'll never get it back. There will always be that doubt.' BigB could let those thoughts internalize and let them rule every action. He could see every hesitation and action on Scar's part as a sign of that distrust.

Or he could take just a moment longer and think. Why would Scar ask him that? Why does anyone reply to a question with one of their own?

Avoidance; but BigB didn't want that to be the case. For just this moment, he wanted to be a bit more like Scar and have the confidence that that wasn't the case. Maybe there was another reason…

Power Play: A way to control the dialogue and gain information without revealing your own thoughts. Maybe if it had been Martyn or Grian, someone more suited towards that behavior, BigB might consider it, but that wasn't really Scar's style. At least not intentionally, and whether Scar knew it or not, he already had power over BigB. No need to try and regain it when it had never left his hands to begin with.

Reflection; seeking an understanding of why BigB asked that in the first place. In these games of betrayed and survival, it wasn't an uncommon question. To be fair though, most people might have it flipped the other way around. 'Are you going to betray me?' instead of BigB's own 'Are you worried I'll betray you?'. Scar immediately recognized that. He saw through BigB's insecurities and brought it back so he couldn't hide from it anymore.

"…Yes" BigB replied softly.

It was always there in his mind, that he'd have to turn on his friends and they would hate him for it. It never left.

Scar shifted in his stance, opening himself up to grant physical comfort, and BigB recognized that. He wasn't big on touch, so didn't take advantage of it, trying his best to ignore the bead of worry that Scar would think him rude for not taking the offer.

Scar knew better though. Scar, in all his confidence, straightened back up with that same smile, still slightly smaller and filled with worry, but confident none the less. BigB could see it clearer this time. It wasn't worry about a potential betrayal. It wasn't worry about BigB's commitment if they were to team up. It was worry for him.

And in that moment, BigB felt trusted. Scar trusted him to do what he felt best, he was confident that BigB would make the choice he was most comfortable with. He wanted that confidence. He wanted that on his side, to not have to go against it and fell off balance. He wanted to have that trust in his own abilities and in the strength of his teammates.

BigB stood tall, straightening to match Scar's own stance, and it felt like the air itself lightened. He smiled at Scar, happy with the choice he'd now made and repeated his words from a moment before. Yes he was scared he'd have to betray his team again, yes he was worried about getting through these games. But right along side those was a new sense of confidence that even if that were the case, Scar was going to be right there with him, because "Yes, I would love to team up with you."