Archive of Our Own ^beta

Atsushi had never expected that he would get so worked up after a concert. As soon as the lights went out onstage; he rushed off stage to his dressing room. Did Issay know what he was doing to Atsushi? All the touching, all the smiles, and the way Issay would approach him. Every moment Atsushi spent with him, he stared at his dark curls, at his soft eyes, his sharp jawline and cheekbones… and that soft porcelain skin. He was completely enamored by Issay, and more than in an admiring way. He could just imagine the way Issay’s waist would feel under his hands, he could just see in his head the way Issay would grin when Atsushi would touch him onstage. He couldn’t stop recalling memories of times when he would just talk to Issay at bars, or at clubs.

There was a time where they had been at a club together, and a woman had hit on Issay. He ended up freaking out and gripped Atsushi’s hand. Atsushi was so flustered at that moment. He could remember the way Issay tightly held his hand while he talked to that woman; the way Issay was flushed after. It all was filling his mind like a cyclone.

He could remember the jealousy he would feel whenever Issay mentioned anyone else. He felt his body heat up even more. He was like a needy teenage boy who couldn’t control his emotions.

Atsushi couldn’t be thinking about this, he couldn’t be thinking about Issay that way. He could already hear the teases from other people, from his bandmates, and from his friends. He let out a huff of breath and went over to the tall mirror in his dressing room. Atsushi looked at himself, his face was flushed, his hair was tousled from the performance, and the top two buttons on his shirt were undone. Issay had done that during the concert. He wished—no, he needed Issay there with him in his dressing room. He could imagine how it would all play out in his head. How he would kiss Issay, and run his fingers through his curls. He’d have one hand in Issay’s hair, and the other on his waist, slowly rubbing it. He’d delicately run his fingers over Issay’s waist, while digging his hand more into his hair.

He didn’t really have the courage to do any of that, despite how much he dreamed of it.

The more he thought about tonight only made him flush more. He felt his body heat pool in his lower body.
God, what the fuck was he doing? He had never had thoughts like this before, why are they only happening now? Why did Issay do this to him? Atsushi’s mind was a constant repetition of Issay. He was the only thing Atsushi could think about.
The only person he had ever wanted this much. Sometimes it even surprised him; the way he felt so much love for Issay.

He could hear all of the noise outside of his dressing room, and tried to pick out Issay’s voice amongst all the yelling. That soft and sweet voice he adored. He couldn’t hear it. It frustrated him, he just wanted to hear Issay, maybe that would soothe his ache. These constant thoughts of Issay were pathetic, really. It was borderline obsessive, wasn’t it? Disgusting.

That concert with Der Zibet wasn’t enough, he needed more than just a peck on the cheek and a hug. He wanted full on sloppy makeout sessions and love with Issay. He violently turned away from the mirror and raised his hand and splayed it across his face; partially covering his mouth. He leaned himself against the vanity and slowly dragged his body down to the floor, and he sat down. He let out a huff of anger. He was frustrated, desperate, and desolate. He just wanted Issay, like a little kitten wanted its mother. He just needed to stay by Issay, and love him. Love him dearly.

He curled his head into his knees, he wanted to sob. All he wanted was Issay, his mind was endlessly consumed with Issay’s soft curls, his strong cheekbones, and his gentle gaze.

Atsushi’s wallowing in his misery was interrupted by a knock at the door of his dressing room.

“Acchan? You in there?”

Atsushi recognized that soft and sweet voice in a moment. It was Issay. He grabbed the edge of the vanity and pulled himself up from the floor swiftly. He was lightheaded from not having any water. Atsushi pushed his hand off the vanity, to the door. His hand hovered over the knob, and he took a deep breath.

“Uh… Y-yeah. I'm here.”

Atsushi pulled his hand away from the doorknob, and covered his face. He didn’t want to open the door. He knew that he would go crazy just by seeing Issay. He took another breath, and opened the door. As soon as he saw Issay through the crack of the door while he opened the door, he bit his lip. He felt the pain pulse through his lip. It was a short distraction from the intensity of his emotions. He saw Issay smile at him when the door was finally open. Atsushi inspected every part of Issay’s face, and his stomach dropped at just the beauty of Issay’s smile.

Atsushi could feel his cheeks heat up, and he just wanted to grab Issay and kiss him senseless until they were both out of breath to wipe that stupid smile off his face. Atsushi just stared at Issay, with a lovestruck gaze. Issay chuckled softly seeing Atsushi’s expression. Issay took a step closer to Atsushi, and closed the door behind him.

“Are you alright? You immediately hid in your dressing room after the show.”

Issay’s voice was worried, his brows furrowed up. Atsushi gulped at Issay’s concern. He started to feel like he was running out of breath. He could barely speak, he could just look at Issay. Atsushi only felt his body start to heat up more. His breath shuddered.

“I’m fine, I just didn’t sleep that well last night. I was stressed about the show with your band.”

Issay’s brow raised at Atsushi’s words, and he snickered softly.
“Really? You seem… flustered. Are you sure you’re alright?”

Atsushi gulped, and his lips parted. He felt butterflies in his stomach. Issay was so sweet, the concern Issay clearly had for him made his heart race. Atsushi’s leg started to shake the more he stared, his heart raced, and he felt butterflies in his stomach. His foot rapidly bounced against the floor. Issay made Atsushi feel so weak, so soft… Issay noticed Atsushi’s leg shaking, and he pulled Atsushi into a hug.

Atsushi’s body immediately tensed up; He gasped softly. The feel of Issay’s body against his was almost infuriating. He didn’t deserve Issay against him like this, he wasn’t supposed to be touching Issay like this. Yet, Issay pulled him in closer into the hug. Atsushi couldn’t help but melt into the warmth and love Issay emitted. Atsushi laid his head in the crook of Issay’s neck. He closed his eyes and just stood there, basking in Issay’s presence.

Atsushi never answered Issay’s question. He stayed quiet. Issay noticed, and spoke again.
“Y’know, if there’s something wrong you can tell me.”

Issay looked down at Atsushi and moved his hand on Atsushi’s upper back to his hair. He tangled his fingers through Atsushi’s silky straight hair.

“Stop doing that.” Atsushi muttered. He attempted to try and pull out of Issay’s grip, but Issay simply wouldn’t let him. Atsushi only melted into his grip more like a puddle of goo. He sighed and gave up, he needed it anyway.

“I’m fine… Just let me go.”
Atsushi grumbled once more, but he only nuzzled more into Issay. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes. Why was he doing this? Why did Issay make him feel so sweet? Issay was torturing him with this hug. Yet, he just wanted to stay in it forever. Atsushi tightened his grip on Issay, making sure he didn’t leave. His actions were contradictory. He wanted Issay to let him go, but god, at the same time he wanted to stay in Issay’s arms forever.

“Let’s talk, Atsushi.”
Issay let go of Atsushi, and sat down on the couch. Atsushi gulped; he walked over to the couch, and his knees were buckling in on him. Atsushi basically collapsed onto the couch, and sat next to Issay. He gulped once more. His breath was shaky, and that feeling in his stomach wouldn’t go away. Atsushi bounced his foot up and down while avoiding Issay’s gaze on him. Issay placed his hand on Atsushi’s leg to help soothe him. Atsushi leaned his head back at the touch and closed his eyes. He ran his hand down his face.

“Issay… Please, wait..”

Atsushi whined out. He felt like he couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t even look at Issay without wanting to kiss him senseless. Atsushi’s face was completely flushed. He parted his lips and let out a few shaky breaths. Issay noticed Atsushi’s flushed face, and chuckled a little but he quickly hid his laugh. He stood up and grabbed a bottle of water. Issay handed Atsushi the bottle of water. Atsushi gently grabbed it, and brushed his hand against Issay while looking him in the eye. Atsushi’s gaze was full of insecurity, like he didn’t deserve this sincerity.

“Just… Give me a moment.”

Atsushi felt like this love was almost excessive, and he didn’t deserve it. He’d rather by ripped apart limb by limb than experience any more of this love. Yet, he craved it, craved like a moth to a flame. Atsushi’s breath shook and he twisted open the cap on the water bottle—while his fingers gently shook. He lifted the bottle up to his mouth and took a large sip. He gulped down half of the bottle, and then put it down. He took a deep breath, and looked back at Issay. Atsushi continued bouncing his leg up and down. He wanted to speak to Issay, but something in his head held him back. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He then closed his mouth and looked down.

Then he spoke again.

“Do you ever like… feel guilty about how you feel towards someone?”

Atsushi gulped. He looked back at Issay and looked into his soft dark brown eyes. His gaze traveled down to Issay’s lips, and felt his own lips tingle.

“Not really… But we’re different.” Issay responded.

Issay looked at Atsushi, and smiled softly but he tried to keep a neutral expression. Atsushi saw Issay’s expression and felt a bit relieved. He sighed softly and closed his eyes for a second. He leaned his head back and thought about what he was going to say next. He breathed deeply and then leaned his head back down.

“Mkay…”

Atsushi sighed again and rubbed his temple. He bit his lip and started to shake his leg.

“I’ve just been so stressed out recently…” Atsushi continued. “That I feel gulity for even caring about someone like this, y’know? I should be focusing on music.”

Issay chuckled softly and put his hand on Atsushi’s shoulder. “How are you supposed to write lyrics without a muse?”

Atsushi let out a saddened chuckle after Issay spoke. Atsushi looked over at Issay. His gaze was fearful. Issay’s eyes immediately softened and his brows furrowed up seeing Atsushi’s expression. Issay pulled Atsushi into a hug once more. Atsushi immediately melted into the hug, but moments later he pulled away. Atsushi looked away from Issay. Issay saw Atsushi’s hesitance, and gulped.

“Wanna go to the bar? I think it’d be better to talk about things there.” Issay asked softly, looking Atsushi in the eyes.

The thought of going to the bar and getting drunk with Issay was a pleasant thought. Things could end exactly how he wanted them too.

With Issay in his arms.

Fuck, the thought was already tempting. Atsushi nodded his head and pursed his lips . He looked down, and out a frustrated huff of breath. He was already feeling hot just thinking about doing anything with Issay. Atsushi started to bounce his leg.

“Yeah.. yeah, let’s go get drinks.” Atsushi looked backed up at Issay, he was already mesmerized by just one glance.

Issay stood up and looked down at Atsushi, smiling softly—he extended out his hand. Atsushi took his hand and stood up. He started into Issay’s eyes as he lifted himself off the cushion of the couch.

They left the concert venue hurriedly, and went to a nearby bar. They entered the bar shoulder to shoulder. The atmosphere of the bar was warm, and there was dim lighting. It made Atsushi think of what it’d be like to be with Issay here. Atsushi’s eyes ran over the wooden walls, and the old paintings and decorations on the wall.

It was a nice bar, heavily decorated and inviting. Issay started to pull Atsushi over to the stools, and they sat down. The stool had a soft cushion on it, it was comfortable, but anxiety still ran through Atsushi. The warmth of the bar only highlighted his fear.

“So… What’s going on? I’d assume you’d be comfortable telling me in a bar… Its one of your favorite places after all.” Issay spoke softly, chuckling a little after the last sentence. He then put his hand on Atsushi’s knee.

“Just uh… A lot is going on at the moment.” Atsushi mumbled out, avoiding Issay’s gaze.

Issay nodded at his response.

The bartender came over and they ordered drinks. Issay was really hoping he could get more out of Atsushi if he got drunk. It was slightly manipulative, but it’s just how Atsushi was. Alcohol was basically his socializer. He knew how Atsushi was when he was drunk, so it was his best chance. He would always get so sweet and needy, and he’d be all over whoever was around him. Sometimes that meant he was hugging and kissing Issay.

The bartender brought Issay and Atsushi their drinks—Two vodka crans. Atsushi immediately grabbed the glass closest to him and gulped it down quickly. He needed to get alcohol in his system. He wanted the guilt he felt for his feelings about Issay to go away.

“Hey… Slow down, my god.” Issay’s hand reached out, and his eyes immediately widened when he saw Atsushi gulp down the glass. Atsushi noticed Issay’s soft and worried gaze and he immediately put the glass down and gulped. “Sorry.” Atsushi whimpered out. He looked ashamed, like a little puppy who knew it did something wrong. Issay could say one negative thing to Atsushi and he’d crumble into pieces. He always was a sensitive person.

“It’s alright… Just be careful.” Issay rubbed Atsushi’s knee gently. It was a soft act of affection, and remorse.

Atsushi felt the spread of warmth through his body, it was probably a combination of his desire for Issay and the alcohol. The evening continued on, and Atsushi continued to order drink after drink. He could never really handle himself around alcohol. Soon enough Atsushi was a drunken mess. They moved to a sofa in the back of the bar. The sofa was soft, and was the perfect spot for Atsushi to snuggle into Issay—as he always did with anyone who was near him while he was drunk, but Issay especially.

He laid there for a while, with his arm wrapped around Issay. It hooked around from his back and came back to Atsushi’s other arm. Issay was completely trapped by Atsushi’s arms, but he was comfortable with it. After all, Atsushi did have muscular, yet lean arms.

Atsushi laid with his head slightly above Issay’s chest, and the bridge of his nose laid against his neck. Atsushi’s breath was soft and warm. He had just been laying there for the past few minutes.

“Issay… I love you so much.”

His voice filled the silence around them, mostly in Issay’s ear. Issay’s face flushed. Atsushi had never said that before.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“Tell me you love me too.” Atsushi muttered out, and he looked up at Issay. A small smile spread across Issay’s face and after a few moments of thought, he responded.

“I love you too. I always have.”

“Fuck… You aren't lying right?”

“Acchan… I would never lie about that. I love you too.”

Atsushi was in shock for a couple seconds, but then Issay saw the biggest grin grow on his face, spreading from his whole face. Atsushi scrunched his face up and pushed himself into Issay’s neck. He leaned more into Issay, his lips hovering right over Issay’s neck. His hot breath slowly crawled down Issay’s neck, and it felt like the heat was slowly strengthened by all the liquor Atsushi had drunk.

“Issay….~” Atsushi whined out once more. His lips gently pressed against Issay’s neck, right on the side. His lips moved slowly and gently, just suckling at Issay’s neck. Atsushi’s hands started to wrap around Issay’s waist, and eventually moved down to the hem of his shirt, and he slipped his hand up. Atsushi’s tongue clumsily traced along Issay’s neck as he suckled and kissed, and rubbed his hand messily on Issay’s waist.

“I want you as mine forever… please hold me like this…” Atsushi mumbled out. It was more of a soft mutter to himself while he continued to gently touch Issay.

After a few moments of that, Atsushi moved his head down and laid it on Issay’s chest. He tilted his head up and looked him in the eyes.

"Don't look at me like that.” Issay chuckled out softly. His hand moved and he brushed the hair that was in Atsushi’s face out of the way. He wanted to see his face; he wanted to see his sharp jaw, his piercing but ever so soft eyes. Even now, when Atsushi was drunk, he was so incredibly sweet.

Atsushi leaned up and put his hand on Issay’s cheek and kissed him softly on the lips. His lips suckled against Issay’s for a few moments before he pulled away.

Issay smiled, resulting in his eyes and face scrunching up. Atsushi’s teasing was always too much for him, even if it was just subtle glances, and a lick of his lips. Atsushi was good at that—at teasing, and at making people want him. Issay never thought that he too would fall victim to Atsushi’s everpresent charm, but he did, he did hard.