Archive of Our Own ^beta

One more performance and the memories will be gone.

But you will be too.

No. I…I won't leave this time.

Liar.

The whispers won't stop. Fragments of memories, wisps of his imagination terrorise him from dusk to dawn. The phantom touch of friends now lost is driving him insane. All he can do is cling to the pain in his abdomen: a gruesome reminder that despite the patterns that mar his skin he is human. A monstrous one, but human nonetheless.

Sometimes he is awoken by someone humming, once he's fully awake it stops and he remembers that Jinu is dead. Not only is Jinu dead, but he died a traitor. He sacrificed himself for a Hunter and didn't look back. Body fading away and he didn't look back. There were no words for those who stuck by his side for centuries. They were discarded in the replacement of redemption. Ironic that it was abandoning his family for a second time that earned him salvation. Apparently loyalty meant nothing to Jinu or to his soul.

Every jeoseung saja had a fatal flaw that led to their pitiful existence be it greed, stupidity, lust, desperation the list went on and on. Jinu was born from greed and condemned from his perceived selfishness. At first Romance had disagreed with that verdict. In truth he privately thought that there were few who would have made a different decision in Jinu’s shoes. It was only when he watched him turn in some lesser demons for shirking their duties that Romance realised Jinu truly did belong in the underworld. Embarrassment at his own naivety caused him to avoid Jinu for the better part of a decade. Clearly he hadn't learned a thing, since he was still surprised that Jinu had doomed them all without a second thought.

A laugh springs from Romance's lips as his cheeks become wet. He truly is pathetic. Jinu was fueled with ambition, his only thought was freeing himself from his memories, yet Romance had thought he would consider their makeshift family first. They were demons! What else had he expected? He who had taken to tragic novels like Gwi-Ma devoured souls. Had he really thought they of all people would be spared from tragedy? Centuries of suffering, of watching the good die horrifically, taught him nothing. He knows nothing.

In the face of such defeat all he can think of is the beauty in the melancholy of a love like Romeo and Juliet's. Something meaningful in the sadness of an ending like Orpheus and Euridice. Now Rumi and Jinu's names could be added to that list. A love that was doomed from the beginning but flourished anyway. They hadn't had the time to name it, but Romance knew he signs all too well.

Now he finds himself considering the other people in those stories, the ones who were harmed by the reckless actions of the lovers. There is something to be said for those who suffered in the shadow of a love that consumed all it encountered. Time would pass and Jinu would be remembered with a bittersweet smile. He and the others would be nothing but dust, faceless casualties that had done nothing but hinder the narrative. That was the true role Jinu had assigned them.

A miniscule part of him is happy for Jinu. He is finally free, finally at peace after all the long years. It had only taken his death and Mystery and Abby's capture to achieve it. The look on Jinu's face when he died was content. Content with his choices and dammit Romance was, is happy for him. Even though it had cost Romance everything, he’s happy for Jinu. What is wrong with him?

His breaths speed up until all he can hear is his heart trying to break free from his chest. He hangs his head and lets his tears fall in their messy, sticky way. Another sob wrenches free (how he hates that word now) at the knowledge that even though he is falling apart he looks beautiful. His friends are dead, he is destroying Baby, he is drowning and he is still devastatingly gorgeous in the way that models on magazines were.

His chest aches with a longing he doesn't dare name and all he can do is sob and pray that Baby doesn't hear. He owes it to him to be the strong one. Thanks to the burning (burning like Jinu did with that all too familiar look in his eyes) agony that continues to linger at the edge of his every waking moment, all he can do is support Baby emotionally. A difficult thing to do when the younger demon insists on being an expert in repression. It will come to a head sooner rather than later, he just has to wait.

He feels so lost. Everything that was anchoring him had been uprooted and now he doesn't know where to go, who to be. His existence before had been miserable but there had been a routine to it and he others had made it bearable. Of all the things he would miss he'd never have thought it would be the underworld. Logically, he knows that's not what he really misses. He misses the company.

A bitter, choking gasp exits him as he thinks it was Jinu's plan. Jinu had approached them, persuaded them. Mystery and Baby were reluctant and wanted nothing to do with it, but Jinu begged and pleaded until they gave in. It was his idea to steal so many souls, it was him who organised that trap for the half-demon Hunter. Everything was Jinu's design, yet they were paying the price for it. All they had done was listen and followed the orders of a friend. It wasn't Gwi-Ma they obeyed: it was Jinu.

The thoughts repeat until his vision blurs and he's on his knees clutching his chest. It was Jinu's plan. Romance had never seen him look so alive and animated. There was a passion in every step and everything was thought out with a patience he never thought Jinu possessed. It was Jinu’s plan. He is sorry, he swears he is sorry. He hadn't meant to fail them. He was just following Jinu's orders, he trusted Jinu, and all he had done was watch as they faded away.

‘Sorry’ is muttered underneath his breath until it becomes background noise for the fuzzy sensation invading his mind. This was how he and Jinu met. Romance was being punished for the unrecognisable knot that was his moral compass. He had refused to take a soul that belonged to a young woman who just got out of a bad home life. Her life was just beginning and he couldn't bring himself to be the one who ended it. He fought off other demons until Gwi-Ma summoned him and made a lesser demon show him a lock of her hair as proof of Romance’s failure.

It was only thanks to Gwi-Ma’s sick sense of amusement that he had survived to be punished another day. He had been weakened so that he was barely a threat against other demons. The voices were deafening, the onslaught of memories never-ending.

Jinu had cut through the haze with a smooth voice that could ensnare anyone who heard it. That and a cheerful wave from Abby was all it took. A moment of sentimentality that led him to a suffering so acute it reminded him of his first days as a demon.

He wonders if Jinu even knew what he stole from him. That when he took that blow, he did so knowing that he was destroying any chance Romance had of living a fulfilling life. There had been a time when he had begged for freedom, but he never thought it would feel so empty. The people he wants to spend his newfound freedom with are captured, dead, or grieving.

Abby and him were a broken possibility. A path that might have been if their circumstances were different. With Gwi-Ma constantly looming they had to dance around the subject and speak in a code that could only be deciphered when his attention was on someone else. In those stolen moments they had agreed if they were ever free then they'd try. Now Romance is living that dream without Abby by his side. Whenever he tries to sleep all he can see is Abby dying, he's forced to relive that moment over and over just like Gwi-Ma forced him to relive his shame. Eyes shut and Abby is fading away, breathing slows and their eyes meet, body still and they both know that any chance at there being a them was taken away with Abby.

The only one who can answer what Gwi-Ma is doing to Abby is Mystery. His awkward little brother whose silence could be lethal or understanding depending on the situation. His brother who offered advice and threats in the same breath with that unreadable expression that had become impossibly endearing. He'd let Romance paint his nails and he would just listen to Romance rant about Baby pouring his good shampoo down the drain and he didn't judge. He tore through any lesser demon that posed a danger. How someone could be both a deadly assassin and a confused puppy Romance would never understand.

Mystery had been Baby’s person. Baby had helped Mystery regain some semblance of humanity and in return Mystery had provided a stability that Baby would never have admitted he needed. It was Mystery that had brought Baby into their group and in doing so had added an invaluable member to their family.

Thanks to Jinu, both Abby and Mystery were being tortured and would continue to be until Gwi-Ma grew bored of their pain. Then they would join the collection of dust and ash that coats the surface of Gwi-Ma's altar. Jinu had condemned them both without a second thought and still Romance can't bring himself to hate him.

All he feels when he thinks of Jinu is a hollow sadness that aches more than his injury ever could. Centuries worth of torture and this is the most pain he has ever felt. Yet he does not hate Jinu. He should. He wants to because hating him would mean the pain would be gone, but he also hates the idea of hating Jinu. His leader, his friend, his brother. He hates that he still loves Jinu. He misses him like he misses Mystery and that feels like a betrayal to the others but he doesn't know how to stop.

He's leaning over a balcony, he's pretty sure they can't afford, with the wind in his hair and face. With unnatural ease he stops sobbing and forces air into his lungs. He takes several deep breaths, even if one of them makes him wetly cough. The subsequent pain makes his grip on the railing tighten until his hands are a ghostly white. Once the pain dulls down to its normal throb, he takes a moment to listen to anything that would suggest Baby is awake.

A low snore faintly answers him and he can't stop a fond smile from pulling at his lips. Romance steels himself against imaginary fire and swallows in an attempt to ensure his voice is not a strained, hoarse mess. It's not. When he speaks it is as melodic as it was the day they formed that video for their fans.

The words he whispers are drowned out by the wind. They are plucked from the air and squashed by an invisible hand. A blue ear pricks up, followed by a squawk Romance convinces himself he imagined.

Only the railing could tell you what he said, and everyone knows only walls have ears.

In all his musings he never would have imagined that the price of freedom would be the family he had painstakingly built. The hiraeth that hits him is dizzying, and he crumples against the railing once more.

In a few minutes the snoring will stop and Romance will swiftly slip inside. He'll comfort Baby from the fallout of a particularly bad nightmare and there will be no one to question the red spots under his eyes. He will pull Baby close and ignore the pain the action provokes. Baby will shake and Romance will whisper all the sweet lies he wishes he told Abby. Throughout it all he wishes his family was whole, in between every breath he longs for Jinu to tell him it's okay. He longs for everything he knows he cannot have and does his best to comfort his remaining brother. It's not enough.