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Neil was possibly having the worst time of his life right now. Which says a lot to him because of his psycho mafia serial killer dad, but still. Fuck Allison for setting him up and for the worst blind date known to anyone. All Neil could do was sit there and pray that he was not going to be the one paying. Which was incredibly unlikely with how it had been going so far. 

“I have to go to the bathroom and then,” the man paused, “we can continue this conversation…”

Thank fuck, Neil thought, he couldn’t survive any more of that man yapping nonstop. He pulled out his phone, praying one of his fake friends (Allison) would be his knight in shining armor to rescue him. Nada. Zip. Zilch. All that was there were two texts from Allison: one was a Twitter link and the other was a laughing emoji. 

Allison: YOU FUCKING LOSER https://x.com/ajminyard03/status/19675072

Allison: 😭

 

Neil: Im buying an etsy witch to kill you.

 

Allison: I’d like to see you try

 

Neil: 🖕

 

Neil clicked on the link, opening up a Twitter thread that was…about him?

@ajminyard03 im at dinner, and there is an absolutely miserable first date happening next to me

5.3k quotes 3k retweets 17k likes

l @ajminyard03 okay the nice one just turned his head i may be in love

l @ajminyard03 the mean one keeps yapping holy cow AND just took his feet out of his boat shoes.

l @ajminyard03 no dude you are nawt a hot commodity

l @kevinday Andrew, stop livetweeting events that are happening around you.

l @ajminyard03 what r u gonna do? drive to me? when you are scared of driving?

l @ajminyard03 the nice one just grabbed a knife

l @ajminyard03 please stab him please stab him please stab him

l @ajminyard03 fuck the boring one went to the bathroom and the pretty one pulled out his phone

l @ajminyard03 hes giggling hi 

 

Oh fuck, this person was tweeting about him. Neil glanced around the restaurant, with only three other patrons there. The old lady? No, definitely not. The couple making out in a corner? No. Which left him with one viable option: the blonde guy sitting at the bar. Gotcha, he thought, starting to walk over.

l @ajminyard03 oh fuck hes looking around

l @ajminyard03 he is walking over…

l @nickyhemmick ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION

“So…” Neil sat down next to the blonde man, “Do you have uh, Twitter?” The blonde man blinked at him, confused, “Um, no? Why are you here?” 

“Well, someone here was livetweeting my blind date, and you are the only option to have done that.” 

“Wait,” The blonde man huffed out a snort, looking slightly peeved, “Was his user something with a minyard and a 3?”

“I think? I just care that some random guy was tweeting every move I made!” As Neil finished his rant, he felt a body press against him, encasing him against the counter. 

“I think you’re in my seat.”

Neil turned his head to see an almost identical version of the blonde man sitting down next to him, “Are you Mr. Ajminyard03? The one tweeting my every action?” 

“You should have stabbed him,” He responded with a smirk, “I would have helped you get away.” 

Neil gave an affronted glare, “I’ll bet you don’t know the first thing about hiding a body.” He spits out.

“Is that so?” He smiles.

The blonde man who was decidedly not ajminyard03 interrupted them, “Andrew, I’m leaving, I do not like whatever kind of foreplay is going on here!” He slammed his card on the table, grabbed his coat, and made a hasty exit to anywhere but where Neil and the blonde man, now named Andrew, were. 

l @aaminyard05 HELP BRO THE GUY SHOWED UP AT OUR SEATS
l @kevin day no way

l @aaminyard05 I THINK HES UR FRIEND I RECOGNIZED HIS FACE

l @kevinday WAS HE GINGER????

l @aaminyard05 unfortunately so

@aaminyard05 its been 7 hours since I abandoned by brother and his weird foreplay with ginger. I dont know where he is???

l @nickyhemmick HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHERE HE IS

l @nickyhemmick CALL ME. RIGHT NOW

l @aaminyard05 YOU AREN'T MY FATHER

l @nickyhemmick THE GVT DISAGREES

Neil was looking at Andrew's pulchritudinous hazel eyes, the perfect mixture of brown and green, and his blond, soft-looking hair 

“-eil? Have you been listening to anything I have been saying?”

“Mmmm” 

“Neil?” He felt his body being shaken very rudely. 

“Hm?” That was such a pretty voice, Neil wanted him to keep talking forever.

“I’m glad you think that, but the bar is closing, so we need to leave.”

“Oh,” Neil groaned, “Give me like five minutes.” Neil promptly put his head back down on the comfy pillow he was lying on.

“Holy fuck,” his pillow muttered, “Am I seriously going to carry you out of here?”

Neil just burrowed in further. 

“Fuck you, rabbit. Up we go.” Neil felt his pillow move beneath him, a problem for him to deal with another day.

“Urghhhhhhh.” He groaned, the noises around him too loud.

“Neil. Where do you live?” The voice asked

“Stalkerrrrrrrr” Neil dragged out.

“I fear I’m not stalking you. Where is your home?”

“Uhm,” Neil thought for a second, still burrowed in his pillow, “Home.”

“Neil, you are so so so helpful.” 

“Hmmmmmm”

The voice ceased for a while, only accompanied by the sounds of the cars and honking in his dreams. Maybe they had pillows too?

@aaminyard05 TELL ME WHY I WAKE UP ONE MORNING AND MY BROTHERS MAYBE HOOKUP/BF?? HAS MOVED IN????? WITHOUT ME KNOWING?? WTF

3.2k quotes 2k retweets 15k likes

l @ajminyard03 not a hookup

l @aaminyard05 me when I lie

l @whoami no like actually fr i woke up on the couch

  l @whoami haha L bozo

l @kevinday im omw to save u 

l @exy4life HELP I THINK THIS IS THE BROTHER OF THIS TWEET: https://x.com/ajminyard03/status/19675072