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Chapter Text

Colin rubbed his eyes and grabbed his phone. He was just about to fall asleep when it started buzzing incessantly.

This is the first time Penelope has messaged him since before the gala.

Maybe now he'd finally learn what he did wrong.

Colin immediately presses the call button.

Colin frowned at his phone, but he could see that Penelope was typing so he wanted to wait before replying.

It was nearly the best night of his life.

After he privately exposed Penelope's cousin Jack to her and her mother, he'd whisked Pen off to the dance floor, feeling like her Knight in shining armour.

"You are... astonishing, Colin," Penelope said, looking up at him with stars in her eyes.

Colin had never felt so wonderful.

Penelope made him feel like he could do anything. She might be the cleverest woman he'd ever known - even counting his sisters - and she thought him astonishing. Colin was proud to call her his very dearest friend.

That night, Colin drank every drink offered to him in quiet celebration, since he couldn't publicly declare Jack's scheme without hurting Penelope and her family's reputation. The rest of the night was a pleasant buzzing blur.

But the next morning, when Colin tried to call Pen to see if she'd like to join him for a post-hangover brunch, his call was rejected immediately.

At the time he thought it was a fluke and brushed it off. He had a trip to Portugal to plan and focus on anyway.

But then, after days of all of his calls and texts going unanswered, and even his visits to her flat being met with stony silence behind the door, he realised something was truly wrong.

His Pen was avoiding him.

Colin badgered Eloise about it, but she wouldn't indicate anything, saying his friendship with Pen wasn't her business and that the two needed to sort it out on their own.

But how could he do that when he'd been excommunicated?

What was strange was Penelope didn’t seem to be avoiding anyone else in his family, just him.

After two more weeks of not being able to get ahold of her, Colin reluctantly flew to Portugal as he had planned. He tried to tell himself he'd fix whatever was wrong between them when he got back.

But that wasn’t the case when he returned.

Penelope was exceptional at dodging him at every turn, leaving a ghost-like space in his life.

And feeling her absence so keenly only made Colin realise his true feelings for her. Deep feelings. Unquestionably devoted feelings.

What timing.

Colin had a bad twisting feeling in his gut. He had no memory of even talking to Fife that night beyond inviting him and the others to Mondrich's pub.

Flashes of that conversation were coming back to Colin; like Fife's sneering face and his crude insinuations...

Right as Colin was drafting a reply, Penelope's next message came through.

Colin's eyes widened at his phone as he blanched. "Fuck," he whispered aloud. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

It was all coming back to him now.

Chapter Text

Colin's eyes widened at his phone as he blanched. "Fuck," he whispered aloud. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

It was all coming back to him now.

Fife and Stanton had started needling him after his dance with Pen. Fife kept asking if something more was going on between them, elbowing him and talking crudely about how nicely Penelope was filling out her dresses these days. Colin tried to wave him off, laughing uncomfortably.

He'd always tried and failed to not have lecherous thoughts about Penelope. They've known each other since they were children, and with her being not only Eloise's best friend but also his, Penelope Featherington had always just felt firmly... off limits.

So Fife's insinuations made Colin’s defenses rise instantly.

He remembered now how badly he felt for laughing with them, but Colin just hated hearing Pen be objectified by those two like that.

He just wanted them to stop speculating, so then he said what he said about never wanting to date Penelope. Truly, he didn't even think about what he was saying beyond wanting to shift the subject away from her. It was completely thoughtless and fucking stupid.

And painfully untrue.

And to think, Penelope had heard him say it right after he'd promised her he would always protect her.

No wonder she hadn't spoken to Colin in months.

Colin felt his heart sink more and more with each new message. He tried to ring Penelope again, wanting her to hear his apology rather than just read it through text - and also, he was just desperate to hear her voice as we - though he fully expected it when she hung up on him.

Colin tried twice more anyway.

After a second the ellipses disappeared, and Colin stared down at his phone hopelessly, gripping it tightly in his hand. This was his last remaining tether to Penelope, maybe the only way he'd ever be able to reach her again, he thought forlornly.

You would think she wouldn't be able to avoid him completely, being so tightly knit with his family – but it was apparent that Penelope had a hidden special talent for disappearing and going completely undetected if she so wished.

Colin's thumb hovered over the call button again when her message finally came through.

It hurt worse than a physical blow. Colin felt those three words plunge sharply into his chest, carving out the unmistakable truth and devastating him.

He had hurt her. His Pen. That thought alone nearly ripped him apart.

How did he always manage to be such a colossal fucking failure?

As he rubbed his eyes, Penelope messaged again.

Colin dug his fingers through his hair and heaved out a deep sigh. His hands were shaking and his vision was blurring.

Penelope knew him so well, it was almost like she could sense his distress through the phone, because she kept sending assurances even as Colin was willing himself just to breathe.

Colin let out a wet chuckle at the eagle emoji. Drunk Penelope seemed to like that one. God, he missed Drunk Pen. He missed every Pen.

Since she'd been absent, Colin realised that everything in his life; every trip, every view, every meal and vibrant city - they all lacked colour without her to share it with, to talk and laugh about.

He tried his best to enjoy Portugal, but his heart just wasn't in it and he soon cut his 6 month trip short.

Colin needed Penelope. He needed her in his life, even if she might not ever love him back.

He needed to fix this.

For seconds that stretched like hours, Colin waited for her reply.

Then, at last, came a simple:

Colin’s jaw clenched as he typed a rapid reply.

Colin dropped his phone onto his lap and muffled a scream into his hands. Why, why did he ever post that?!

It was his last night in Portugal and the rep from the travel mag he was trying to get hired for invited him to their social media event. The night was just about networking and getting his name out there to the right people.

At the time, Colin was beginning to feel a little bitter about Penelope ignoring him so thoroughly, so when the rep asked to take his picture with the girls for his socials, it seemed like a good way to show publicly that he was still enjoying his life even without Penelope in it.

He flirted with those women that night but he didn't sleep with any of them. He hadn’t slept with anyone in over a year, actually.

But the caption felt wankery even as he posted it. It was designed to give the wrong idea, and damned if he wasn't completely regret it now.

Colin felt desperately hopeless now, and worried for his friend. He decided he would try to call one more time before heading over there.

Maybe Drunk Pen would actually answer the door.

Colin slipped on his shoes and grabbed his coat, half looking for his keys while he checked his phone each time it buzzed with new messages.

Pen's flat was 10 minutes away by car.

He could get there in 15 if he ran. Fast.

"Please, pick up."

Colin kept trying to call Penelope as he raced down the stairs, his heart thumping loudly.

She loves me.

She still loves me.

Chapter Text

Colin was already halfway down the street, heart thundering as he ran.

Because no. Hell no. NO. He does not want Penelope to get over him. That is the last thing he bloody wants.

Even though Penelope had said she would block him, his phone continued to buzz relentlessly with messages.

Colin smiled at his phone even as he sprinted past confused onlookers. He must look a sight; wearing his pink Kermit covered pajama bottoms and yellow crocs and brown leather coat.

Colin crossed the street, narrowly missing being struck by a bloody mini cooper of all things. He ignored the hairy man yelling profanities at him while blasting his pitiful horn.

Abruptly, Colin stopped running, staring down at his phone in disbelief.

What?

Colin gulped, his fingers trembling as he wrote back. 

Colin dragged his hand down his face. This was all just... too much.

And what was worse - would Penelope even be telling him any of this if she wasn't completely smashed right now?

...Did he not know her at all?

Colin breathed out, leaning against the pole of a stop sign. He was irked. More than, actually. Penelope had been Whistledown this entire time. He was hurt that she, his closest confidant, would write such inflammatory things and make his humiliation so public.

But... he couldn't deny that she was right. Colin would have married Marina regardless. He was 21 and woefully naive and bull-headed then.

And where would that have left him? Married to a woman he didn't love with children he knew weren't his own, all while doomed to pine after Penelope once he'd inevitably realised his feelings for her. 

No. Penelope might not have gone about it the best way, but he understood her reasoning, even though it hurt him.

Colin resumed walking, keeping a fast pace.

4 years ago, Whistledown  - or Penelope - had written an article about Eloise's high-school sweetheart Theo, exposing him for embezzling funds from Eloise's Women's Relief charity to fund his own drug habit.

Eloise knew he had addiction issues, they all did. Colin's father didn't approve of them dating, but once El was 18 there wasn't much anyone could do to separate them.

Colin always felt bad for Theo. He had a rough upbringing and was always struggling, but he really did seem to love El.

The Whistledown article was scathing, and it forced Eloise to cut ties with Theo completely, lest her charity suffer the consequences. The breakup was devastating for her at the time, as it was her first real relationship.

Colin remembered she and Penelope had a falling out 2 months later and didn't speak for a year.

Colin walked, watching raptly as the ellipses kept appearing and disappearing on the screen.

"Shit," Colin uttered, and a middle aged woman walking by him gave him a nasty look.

Colin breathed out heavily through his nose, trying to digest it all. Penelope had made mistakes, it was true. She'd hurt people with her words, hurt him - but that didn't make her a bad person by any stretch. And it could never make Colin not care for her.

Besides, Colin had hurt her too.

He hesitated. On one hand, Colin needed to say it, to let Penelope know how he truly felt, but on the other it felt wrong to just write ‘I love you’ without first saying it to her face.

Getting an idea, Colin smirked and wrote:

Chapter Text

If Penelope understood his admission, she didn't acknowledge it at all.

Colin quickly skimmed the texts as he sprinted, smiling at the screenshot of his profile.

That picture of them was taken at Daphne's second wedding dress fitting. For a laugh, she insisted all her bridesmaids try on wedding dresses and veils for pictures that she could send to Simon. Colin took so many polaroids of the girls, but he insisted his mum snap one of just him and Pen.

She just looked too beautiful that day not to. Seeing her in a dress and veil like that made a certain ache stir in his chest. Now he knew why.

He still carried the original in his wallet everywhere with him.

At that precise moment, Colin burst into Penelope's flat, panting heavily. He used the key she hid under the loose floorboard in front of her door.

Penelope was splayed out on the couch in the tight red dress she'd worn to the club. Her hair was mussed and frizzy. In one hand she was haphazardly clutching a near empty glass of wine, while holding her phone in the other. Her makeup was running and her cheeks were ruddy and streaked with tears.

She was so beautiful, and Colin loved her so, so much. 

Penelope looked at him, gobsmacked.

“Oh,” she sniffled, “Heyyy Col,” she started weakly, putting on a wobbly smile as she stumbled to her feet. "What're you doin' here—?"

Colin didn't let her finish. He hurriedly strode towards her and bent down, cupping Penelope's face gently in his hands to press his lips firmly to her own.

It was just as rousing and soul stirring as the first time, all those years ago. Only this time, Colin wasn't going to ignore what his heart was telling him.

He pulled back after a few seconds, and Penelope followed him with her pretty puckered lips that tasted like wine and watermelon lipgloss. He smiled as she blinked her glassy eyes open, staring wondrously up at him.

"Colin...?"

"I came here to do that," he told her.

"Ohh," Penelope breathed, and the smile that lit up her face was so sweet that Colin just had to kiss her again, holding her close. "Oh," Penelope said again after they parted, sliding a hand over Colin’s chest to his heart. "So then what... what now?" She all but purred, though the effect was marred somewhat by the slur of her words.

"Now," Colin said, and brushed a red curl away that was stuck to her cheek. "We get you a glass of water and put you to bed."

Chapter Text

Penelope was sluggishly drawn out of sleep by the strip of sun burning her face through the blinds.

She groaned in annoyance. It felt like someone had drilled a hole into her skull behind her eyes. With another pained groan, Penelope burrowed her face deeper into her pillow. She was wearing a loose shirt and shorts, she realised with some faint surprise. She didn't even remember getting home, let alone properly dressed for bed.

After a minute of failing to go back to sleep, Penelope blinked against the dulling pain behind her eyes. She stretched her arms out with a yawn and reached for her reading glasses on the bedside table, finding them next to a glass of water and a packet of panadol. Her other hand brushed against something on the empty space of her bed. It was her phone, and there was a pink post-it note taped to the front of it.

Penelope took the panadol with a grateful gulp of water, while her heart raced as she plucked the note off her phone, recognising Colin’s neat scrawl instantly:

Dear Pen, DON'T PANIC!!! 

You messaged me last night - I know you’re probably mortified, but I promise you don’t need to be. 

I unlocked your phone after I helped you to bed - only to scroll up to the start of the messages I swear! I didn’t look at anything else. Please take the Panadol, drink some water, and read to the end.

If you want to talk after, I’ll be in the living room... If not, just knock on the wall three times and I’ll leave. No questions asked.

- Colin ♡

Penelope blinked in shock, feeling the pain in her head already receding, while the one in her heart thrummed as powerfully as ever.

Colin was here in her flat. She'd messaged him. He was right; she did feel mortified. Penelope let out a shaky sigh and went to rub her eyes under her glasses, but was surprised to find that no mascara had smeared on her hand.

Her face felt surprisingly clean, her lips parted in shock. Did he wipe off my make up…? Penelope's heart was thumping at the thought of Colin Bridgerton wiping her makeup away, his careful hands touching her face... Her cheeks flushed warmly.

With her heart hammering on, she unlocked her phone with her thumb, and sure enough, the messages were there waiting, scrolled right to the beginning from a day before the gala.

There were a dozen more missed call notifications after that, and even more messages, and that wasn't even counting all the ones Penelope had ignored on tiktok and instagram and facebook. Even her barely used twitter account had some desperate messages from Colin trying to reach her.

She had read them all, though she couldn't bring herself to reply to him after what she'd overheard him say.

Penelope skimmed down until she got to the later ones.

Penelope's eyes widened as she saw the successive unhinged messages she'd sent him in her drunken state. God. How did Gen let her get so pissed that she had no memory at all of this!?

Glancing at her door and knowing Colin was there just beyond it, Penelope soldiered on, reading all of her messages. She cringed and awkwardly laughed at her drunken self. Though as embarrassing as it was, Penelope did feel a strange sense of pride for herself at how forthright she was last night. She'd never been so open and honest with anyone like this, and especially not Colin.

And God, she even told him about Whistledown.

Thankfully, Colin seemed to take it surprisingly well. Too well, actually, considering all the strife she'd caused him and his family.

By the end of the messages, Penelope even found herself crying a little. She had laid so much at his feet, her pain and regrets, her whole exposed heart, ready for him to crush. But Colin treated every new revelation with care. He had such genuine contrition for how he hurt her, and it made her chest ache with longing.

Sniffling, Penelope finally decided that she would put her feelings aside and mend her friendship with Colin once and for all.

It didn't matter that he would never love her back. He didn't owe her that, and it's not like she truly ever expected him to. Penelope shook her head, feeling more resolute by the second. She needed Colin in her life as much as he needed her, and if that meant all she would have from him was friendship... well, that would be more than enough for her.

It had to be.

Penelope read through the last of her messages, trying in vain to remember sending them, but it was all just a blur.

After her last to him which was presumably cut short by his appearance at her flat, Penelope's eyes landed on some new messages left by Colin.

With her heart in her throat, she began reading.

Chapter Text

Penelope slowly eased her door open. The living room was dark, with soft golden light filtering in through the slivers of the curtains. She had to adjust her eyes as she looked around—but then she spotter him.

Colin was fast asleep in her cosy little reading chair near the window, sat by the crooked bookshelf he'd put together for her when she first moved in. His head was tilted back and his mouth was slightly open as he snored softly.

He was wearing a white tank that showed off the warm tan and muscle of his arms, and those ridiculous pink and green Kermit pajama pants she got him for Christmas years ago. He came here straight from bed, it seemed, in his yellow crocs and fluffy pink socks. One of them was halfway off his foot.

Penelope's chest constricted with a rush of fondness and disbelief. Colin always looked so at home in her little flat, dozing in her chair like he always belonged there. She could hardly breathe.

Slowly, Penelope shut the door behind herself, but even as she closed it as softly as she could, the click sounded like a gunshot in the quiet room.

Colin jerked awake, bolting upright and looking around until his eyes landed on her. He looked so crazed with his sleep-mussed hair sticking up and his wide, tired eyes. Penelope had to laugh.

Colin immediatel smiled at the sound and got up, clearing his throat and then yawning. “Ahm... uh, hi,” he croaked.

“Hi...” she said softly.

He licked his lips and cleared his throat once more, flexing his hands at his sides. “You… you didn’t knock on the wall.”

Penelope looked at him and shook her head, finding her throat too constricted to speak.

Colin's shoulders fell as he let out a heavy sigh of relief and brushed back his crazed hair from his forehead. He took a small step towards her. “Pen, I’m so sorry for what I said to Fife, and for being such an idiot all these years, I—”

“You cut your trip short,” Penelope interrupted him quickly, her voice quavering as her heart began to race at what he was saying. “For… me?”

Colin blinked at her and shut his mouth, nodding. “Yes, I did. I couldn’t stand being away from you anymore. I—”

“Did you clean off my makeup for me last night?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, looking sheepish now. “Err... yes, I did. But only because I know how you hate getting mascara on your pillows! And because you always say how gross you feel waking up with last night's makeup on…”

Penelope's mouth curved faintly, tears threatening again as her heart swelled at the sweet gesture. It was so considerate and intimate and she... she didnt know how to take it. What it meant.

She looked down at her feet, digging her nails into her palms as her hands trembled. “Did you... really mean what you said? In your messages?”

Colin had moved closer without her knowing, as his steps on the floorboards were muffled by his soft socks. He spoke quietly yet firmly, so close that his breath brushed against her forehead, “Every single word, Pen.”

Penelope let out a heavy whoosh of air and looked up at him at last, still feeling so painfully uncertain and afraid of being hurt. “Colin... are you sure?”

He nodded, then stopped. “Well... there was something I left off saying properly in my messages,” Colin’s voice softened, his dark eyes locked on hers, “until I could say it to you in person…"

“And what's that?” Penelope's heart was thudding so loudly she wondered if he could see it trying to jump out of her chest.

Colin took her hands in his and smiled. “Penelope… I am so in love with you.”

Her breathing hitched. For a heartbeat Penelope could only stare at him—her best friend, looking adorably ridiculous in his Kermit pants and pink socks, saying the words she’d dreamed of hearing nearly her entire life.

Then Penelope surged forward, rising up on her toes to cup Colin’s face and drag him down into a clumsy kiss.

It startled a little laugh out of him, but Colin recovered fast. His hands found her waist as he kissed Penelope back just as desperately, groaning and sucking at her bottom lip.

He started shuffling them backwards without parting their lips, until he could fall back into the reading chair. He pulled Penelope down with him into his lap.

“Mmph, Colin,” She gasped as she landed, threading her fingers into his hair as she pulled away. Colin chased her mouth and shivered pleasurably at the feel of her nails on his scalp, causing Penelope to grin. “Say it again,” she ordered, grinding in his lap. She was happy to find that he was hard already.

“I love you,” he said looking up at her, and then hissed as Penelope pressed her palm to his erection. “God, I love you…”

“Hm. My name isn't God, but I'll take it,” Penelope said, smirking as she rewarded Colin’s third breathless “I love you” with her hand slipping into his pants.

With another hiss Colin grabbed at Penelope's wrist, his thumb gentle on her pulse point. “Pen, you don't have to—”

“I know,” she said quickly, pecking a kiss onto his lips as she pulled his cock out. “But I want to. Very badly.” Her hand began to move, and Colin tipped his head back to watch in awed pleasure as Penelope drew his other hand to her breast, making him squeeze it. “Just… enjoy me.”

And that he did.

Colin groped at her everywhere. His hand slid under Penelope's shirt to toy with her breasts, while the other slid into her shorts, fingering her in time with the thrust of his hips.

Penelope moaned as he tugged the shirt off her head after while, burying his face in her breasts and bucking into her hand, spilling onto her fingers and stomach.

“Christ, Penelope,” he murmured, mouthing at her nipple and breathing hard through his nose, “You have… the most perfect set of tits I've ever seen.”

She giggled, then rolled her eyes. “Oh, swoon, Colin Bridgerton. Just how many tits have you…?–Oh!” All of a sudden, Colin placed his hands under her bum and stood with her, holding her up as easily as if she was nothing. “Colin, what are you doing?! I'm not used to being up so high!"

“We, my darling Pen, are going to your bedroom,” he grinned, kissing Penelope deeply as he began to walk. “If that's alright with you.”

She sighed happily and pet his cheek. “Well, I do have that pesky virginity to get rid of, and no one at the club seemed fit for the job…”

“You're damn right. No one else but me.” With that declaration, Colin’s expression darkened with determination as he all but bolted to her room. Penelope clung to him, laughing all the while.

Colin woke up later holding a very naked Penelope to him as she slept. He traced his fingers over the faint smattering of freckles on her shoulder, they were starker when they were children. Then his hand moved up to sift softly through the curled tangles of her red hair. Colin smiled softly as he watched her sleep. His Pen, his love.

He had never felt so blissfully content in his life.

After a minute, Penelope began to stir, humming against his skin and pressing a sleepy kiss to his chest. “Mmm… hey,” she smiled, blinking up at him.

“Hey,” Colin said, and leaned forward so that he could kiss her. “I love you.”

Penelope grinned against his lips and he nipped at her mouth.

“What?”

“Now it's your turn to say it,” He said, staring at her pointedly.

“I've said it hundreds of times,” Penelope laughed.

“Yeah, through text and while drunk off your arse. But I have yet to hear it in person,” Colin insisted. “Come on. Say it. Here, I'll go first: Penelope, I love you. And you…”

Penelope sighed, pretending to be put upon as she said, “Fine, Cawwlin.” She squeezed her arms around his waist, kissing him languidly as she said cheekily, “...I loPe you too.”

Colin tickled her mercilessly in retaliation, until Penelope was gasping with laughter and begging, saying, “No! Alright, alright! I love you, Colin! I love you!”

But it seemed hearing it once would never be enough for him, so he found other ways of making her exclaim it.