Chapter 1: A friend in need
Chapter Text
I’ve noticed some... things about Lucifer. Like he's definitely touch starved, and probably has undiagnosed CPTSD, and maybe ADHD or autism? This obviously makes some things difficult for him. So I started to help as much as I can.
As discreetly as possible, of course. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who knows how to let people help him. Like my brothers. He just needs someone who will be their judgment free. And of course no one wants their personal business aired out in front of everyone, so I have to be subtle.
I start by patting or rubbing his shoulder occasionally. Like always, he becomes stiff or pulls away almost instinctively. He said he has a big family. Did nobody show him physical affection growing up? Or is there something else that makes him react like that?
When he does something that obviously takes a lot of effort, I make sure to praise him. He probably didn't get a lot of encouragement as a kid. Congratulating him and Chloe on solving a case is already normal for me. But telling him he did a good job when it came to something outside his regular Lucfiery specialties makes his face light up.
And then comes the first time he's triggered and I'm prepared. A teen ended up dying in a burning building. He had been hiding from his dad whose high expectations scared him off. Not an easy case for anyone. Poor kid was stressed and scared because he felt pressured, and now he’s dead.
Lucifer had stilled hearing the story, eyes focusing on something only he can see. They take the Father out of the investigation room. He doesn’t seem to notice. I approach slowly and stand just out of his reach. Better not scare the poor guy. I wave my hands languidly on either side of my head.
"Hey Lucifer? Can you hear me?" The noise he makes would be a whimper if it weren't so strained. I hum and put my hands out palms up. Folding my fingers up and down in time with my exaggerated breathing, hoping he would copy or mirror me.
"It's me Ella Lopez. We're at the police station. You're safe." A friend in college with a dissociative disorder taught me how to help in similar situations. I'm really thankful for the knowledge right now. His gaze is following the motion of my hands.
"It's just you and me. Can you look at me, Lucifer?" He blinks and I can see his eyes struggle to really see me. I stopped the movement. His hands take mine and practically grasp on for dear life as he finally takes a breath.
"I forgot being around the detective includes requiring oxygen." He gasps and hunches over slightly. I smile, glad he's being Lucifery. Not completely out of it I guess. He’s pretty big I don’t know how I’d get him out of here on my own.
"Do you want to sit in my lab?" His mouth opens and he looks shocked that nothing comes out. Closing it, he nods with a pout that shouldn't be as adorable as it is on the over 6 foot tall man. I squeeze his finger and smile.
"Come on buddy." I lead him gently out of the viewing room and sit him on my spinny chair. Popping open the sealed box in the corner (working in forensics means everything gets dirty) I pull out my emergency fluffy blanket.
"Here these will make you cozy." I wrap the soft black material around his shoulders and hold back a laugh. This guy claims to be the devil, is a knight in shining armor to my girl Chloe, helps solve murder cases because he believes bad guys should get punished, and is now burritoed in rainbow unicorns riding skateboards.
"This is very nice. Thank you Miss Lopez." He whispers, tucking his face into the plush material. I pat his knee and smile at him. He's really just a big softie, huh? Who would have thought? How can anyone be scared of the guy? I guess it’s different cause I know Lucifer would never hurt me.
"You're welcome." Luckily the blinds are already shut. Doing the last on the list of things I can think that might help and not make things worse, I play some classical music on my computer. His shoulders sag as Chopin's Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 fills the room.
"Chopin was not as spirited a man as Mozart but he did know how to make a soothing yet interesting melody." I nod actually imagining the man before me with centuries old composers. I mean Lucifer is a great piano player. They would probably have lots to talk about.
Weirdly enough it seems... natural. If his clothes and hair were changed to fit the time he would do well with a lot of historical geniuses. And the way he talks about things like he was there in person….
No, Ella come on, you gave up conspiracies a long time ago! Your friend from work is not some type of ancient immortal being. I mean if I were thinking that then why couldn't he be the devil? Mmm too obvious.
He's a vampire! It makes sense. The hypnosis, super strength speed and senses, and he does something with his face that freaks out suspects. Shows his fangs and supernatural eyes maybe? And he’s afraid of being rejected so he covers it by saying he's Satan.
I mean look at him! Cheekbones, eyes, jawline, height, and build. Lucifer Morningstar is a pretty vampire name. He owns a nightclub! I've seen him drink so much and still not even get tipsy. Cause alcohol works differently when you're undead!
‘It's okay pal. You're secret's safe with me.’ In case he can read minds. We’ll he's basically in his own right now world anyways. His brain is probably not processing much of what’s going on around him.
"I'm gonna get back to work, okay Lucifer?" He nods and continues stroking the blanket across his face, eyes somewhere distant. Well, it doesn't seem to be a flashback, and he's responding, so that's good. I gotta look at these samples before someone comes looking for me and disturbs him.
"Ella is Lucifer in here?" Damn, Chloe! "Are you high?!" She says tone harsh and voice raised. He flinches and ends up sitting on the floor in the corner, blanket pulled around him like a force field. She looks between him and I confused.
"He's dissociating. You scared him." I can't stop my frown. Who just assumes someone is on drugs the second they see them act weird? Neurodivergent and mentally ill people behave outside what society thinks is normal and acceptable all the time and it's just our nature.
"Dissociating? Doesn't that happen to people who are deeply traumatized?" You're literally a detective; how can you be this dense? "Yeah. He was triggered earlier and I think he was having a flashback so I brought him in here." Is that not obvious? Hello? Shock manta especial?
"I knew his past was rough but... He just always seems so grand. Maybe I thought he wouldn't be so affected or... I guess there's a lot I don't know about him." Just like all the things you don't know about me. The most hurt people learn to hide it the best.
"Hey Lucifer?" She's expecting a response; I don't know if he can even think of words right now. He barely peaks out a gap between two ends of his make shift barrier. Like a little kid hiding from monsters in the dark.
"He probably can't talk right now. Don't take it personally." She nods and turns back to him. The blanket falls more and I can see him bite his lip. I know how frustrating verbal shutdown can be and pray that no one from work will ever see me like that.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you, Lucifer. I shouldn't have assumed you were high." What is the next step here? Am I going to have to do something? Oh, he’s actually coming out a little. Still bundled up but head visible he nods, trying to find some nonverbal way to communicate that her apology is accepted.
"You're obviously not feeling great right now. We really can't do anything else today except paperwork anyways. So how about I take you home?" He thinks about it and nods. Chloe helps him up and Lucifer hands me my blanket. I smile at the scene, really happy I made some good friends here.
"You can borrow it if you want." He points to the door with an overdramatized questioning look and shakes his head, face saying 'no way'. I take it and nod, folding the floofbric (floofy fabric) and putting it away. Safe from all the grody stuff that could ruin it’s cloud like material. He waves at me.
"Bye Ella. Thanks for taking care of him." He nods with a small smile. She opens the door and in an instant Lucifer is standing up straight, facial expression almost a perfect recreation of his usual self. It's jarring to watch someone mask so dramatically, like pretending to be fine after a mental health episode is nothing.
They leave and I have so many more questions than before. Ai Dios mío! Esto va as ser mas complicado que yo penso.
Chapter 2: Visceral Grief
Notes:
Hope everyone enjoys!
Chapter Text
After several months it becomes second nature for me to comfort him. I'm keeping a list of his triggers that I'm sure isn't complete. And maybeee a conspiracy board in my bedroom. He's so sincere I'm more convinced he is the devil every day. But I've seen him bleed! Only when Chloe is around.
Well, whatever he is (I still really want it to be vampire because having one as a friend would be awesome), she's his weakness. Considering some of the stuff I've seen, it honestly makes more sense than anything else I can come up with.
So when I see the kid crying about his brother dying I don't even think. Lucifer leans into me as I squeeze his shoulder. When the moment ends we move on without a word. He looks okay and I know asking might make it worse. Today is just one of those days where I have to keep an eye out.
That plan gets totally messed up by the mountain of work I get the rest of the day. Every time I see Lucifer he looks worse. Still he hides it so well that I doubt anyone else is gonna notice. Oh Lord Dios por favor, help me help him. When I'm finally free it's time to clock out and he's already gone.
Should I leave it alone? But what if he's really struggling? He's probably at Lux.... Or in his penthouse dealing with the horrors of his mind all alone. Okay jammies and Netflix will have to wait. My friend needs me.
He's not at Lux and when I go upstairs it's silent. Sitting on the piano bench staring at an empty tumbler, Lucifer is a mess. His hair is sticking out and starting to curl. The man's eyes carry the weight of hardships belonging to someone far older than he could possibly be. Stopping in front of the piano I gasp.
His arms are littered with long thin cuts all oozing blood. A dagger is on the bench next to him. Did he stop when I came in? Or has he been sitting here? They don't look too deep. Remember not to say anything like that to him, it can be triggering.
"Lucifer?" He shoots up, bench toppling to the floor behind him. His eyes dart between the wounds and me. Poor guy is trembling. "It's okay. I just need to patch you up." He flinches, head drooping. I wish I could magically make him feel better.
"Do you have a first aid kit?" He points to the bar, red drips onto white keys, and he steps back with a hiss. I find it in a rush to be back by his side, while watching him try to hold himself together. What's going on in that head? Damn, if we were at my place, I'd have everything I could need.
"Can I touch you." He gulps and nods, not meeting my eyes. I smile sadly at my hurting friend and open the box. It's a pretty expensive and fancy one, even the container is high quality. Gloves first then I pull out the antiseptic wipes.
"This is gonna sting." He doesn't seem even a little fazed by me cleaning his drying blood off fresh self harm injuries. Man, what has Luce been through? Must've been hell.... No Ella! Focus.
"I'm going to put on some antibiotic ointment so you don't get an infection." He shrugs and continues holding his arms out, wrists facing up so I can apply the topical medication. His arms don't really look like this is a regular occurrence but..
There are a few. They're so faint I can only see them in a certain light, so I'm not sure how many. But they're long and wavy. Done hastily, no hesitation marks. Is that all of them? How could I not have noticed he was struggling sooner?
"Huh, your blood is coagulating already?" Also how was he bleeding without Chloe around in the first place? He sighs deeply and nods to the weapon that now sits on the floor. Taking a wipe I get rid of the drop on the piano key.
"Even Azrael's blade can only wound me for so long. They aren't deep enough to last more than a few hours." He's speaking from experience. Oh god, how many times has he hurt himself with no way for anyone to know and help? How long has he been suffering in silence?
"Okay lots of questions. Number one, can I bandage them?" He shakes his head and takes a step back, arms lowering to his sides. "My body will either reject the foreign material or fuse it to me." I close up the kit and go put it back. There’s movement behind me and when I turn back the dagger is gone.
"Got it. Soooo.... Wanna talk about it or?" A long sigh and he walks over to the couch, flopping onto it. "Maybe if you pick a few bottles and we converse over some drinks." Nodding I grab the two with the coolest looking glass designs, plus a tumbler for me and his empty one.
Setting them on the coffee table I sit in the chair across from him and pour equal amounts. 'One of the downsides of supernatural metabolism.' Right nonhuman alcohol tolerance. I continue to fill him up, leaving a finger of room at top.
Lucifer pushes himself into a sitting position and downs it in all one gulp. My jaw drops and I take a sip of mine. It's a good whiskey, probably aged. I've always been more of a tequila and beer girl, but I rarely turn down a free drink so I've tried a bit of everything. Sitting up perfectly straight he looks at me.
"So. What do you want to know first?" I shake my head and take another sip. It seems like a very english liquor. Is he even from Britain? Not the point Lopez.
"I want you to talk about how you're feeling, why you cut yourself. Only if you want to though." He looks so utterly confused. Glancing down at his arms then back up, pouring himself another drink.
"My brother... he's dead and-" It finally clicks. The case today. I knew it was a sore subject but grief is a whole different beast from regular trauma. I nod, gulping and willing away the tears gathering in my eyes at my memories of Abuelo in the hospital.
"I'm so sorry Lucifer." He sobs and shakes his head, mouth open and hand reaching out. I round the coffee table and climb on the couch, wrapping him in a big hug. "I don't deserve comfort Miss Lopez. I'm the one that killed him. I need to be punished." That's why he hasn't hugged me back?
"Lucifer no matter what role you had in your brother dying doesn't make you evil. I mean did you want him to die?" Obviously there was some accident he blames himself for, right? A fire that happened when they were kids or from one of his cigarettes? He didn't literally murder his brother.
"No! I never wanted anyone to die! But he threatened Chloe and Mother! Said he would take their lives! What else was I to do?" He sobs into my shoulder and I pat his back. When was this and why didn't he say anything? But if he's the devil then his brother is an angel and who can stop an angel....
"I'm kinda confused, but it sounds like you were only doing it to protect them." My hands rub his back. He pulls away, eyes widening as he starts to hyperventilate. Shit, did I do something wrong?
"Lucifer is-" His irises flash red and then back to normal before switching again. My jaw drops and as the proof flickers before my own eyes in his rapidly shifting ones. "Hey take a deep breath okay." My hands move on their own, a pavlovian response to him in crisis.
I'm guiding the actual King of Hell in breathing exersizes. What is... how is... why?!? Is anything.... Anything? What the hell, man... Oh, his eyes are staying red longer. That's probably not good.
"Good job, keep taking slow breaths. It's okay. You're safe." The flashing slows and when he rubs his eyes it stops. I have questions but where would I even start. Dios mío... es su padre!
"How about we put on a movie or something? Get your mind off of things?" He nods and presses something on the table. It opens up revealing a remote and some blankets. I pull them out and he clicks a button on the control. There's a noise and then a screen descends from the ceiling.
"Damn, nice setup man. Your blankets aren't fluffy enough though." He hums and puts one over himself. "We'll need to do a shopping trip." I chuckle and he turns the to on, handing me the remote. Luce has probably never seen Tangled! It's the perfect movie for him.
Some therapeutic Disney and cuddles later plus a large order of chinese food may not fix the root problem, but it makes the day a little less bad. I make him promise to call me anytime he feels like hurting himself in exchange for not telling anyone about what I saw. As the elevator doors are closing, he waves to me and I notice his arms are completely healed.
I need a long bath and a bigger board.
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