Archive of Our Own ^beta

The way he looked at you would drive you crazy one day. All smirk and unaffected grace, like he saw through you, into your soul, past whatever barricades you had put up. There was nowhere to hide from that look. So he shouldn't have been surprised when you did snap one day.

It was late afternoon, and Tohma had requested your help archiving some materials in the vault. So you committed yourself to the cold, which at first was refreshing after a post lunch self-defense lesson with Alan at the Pit in Vagastrom.

“Sorry I'm late Tohma,” you huffed, slightly out of breath after walking from the cathedral all the way over to Frostheim. He glanced at you, fixing you with a look that made you squirm. His smile seemed forgiving, but you couldn't help but feel like underneath it was a smirk.

“It's no trouble at all,” he said, inclining his head toward a large table, already set with papers on a tea set. “I hope you don't mind, I took the initiative to set out tea for us. The archival documents seem to be numerous today.” His tone, always polite externally, came across to you as though he said “I know you'll whine about wanting a break, so I've made sure you have no excuses.” You glanced up at him again, only to be met with that same look, the one that cuts you to your core. You let out a strained chuckle, “how kind of you. I guess we should get to it then, huh?” You slide into your seat and start the familiar tedium of archiving and fixing reports in the vault.

Not even 10 minutes later, you startle, feeling that familiar gaze fall on you once more. You look up, and meet Tohma's eyes once more. Those damn eyes - simultaneously the prettiest blue gray and the most annoying deep gray. You feel the frown form on your face.

“Do you have a question for me?” Your irritation is reflected in your tone. Tohma just smiles in response. “Goodness no”, he replies “I just wanted to make sure you were comfortable and weren't struggling with anything.” In your head you took that to mean “I'm making sure you're doing things right and not trying to get away with sloppy work.” You huffed a sigh, trying to squish down your irritation. “No, I'm fine, thank you.” You respond, shifting in your seat to try and escape that gaze. “Very well,” he says. You hear him go back to his work, the scratch of his pen resuming, and the feeling of his stare dissipating.

It had been almost 3 hours of the same refrain. You get some work done, feel Tohma's eyes on you, ignore it till it gets overwhelming and you ask him if he needs something. So far he's gone to get more tea twice, checked some records once, and he even took a phone call, just out of earshot. The entire time he was on the phone, his eyes were on you.

You can't take it anymore. If he stares at you one more time you are going to combust. It makes you want to scream, rip your hair out, grab his shoulders, and beg him to stop.

Those damn eyes are back on you. Your head snaps up to meet his eyes and you can't help it anymore. “Stop that.” You grumble, face set in a frown. No smirk from him this time, just a curious look, as though he didn't quite understand what you were talking about. “Stop what?” He responded politely, scanning your face for any other clues to this sour mood.

“Stop watching me like that.” You snapped, hand tight on your pen, foot tapping at the floor, betraying your annoyance. “Whatever do you mean?” Tohma replied, voice just a touch cooler. If it had been softer you might have been able to shake off your ire, but instead you gritted your teeth, huffed a breath and in your irritation actually said what you had been feeling - “stop looking at me like you already know all of my secrets. I want you to see me, not see through me. You have me come help you with your work, which must mean you trust me enough and simultaneously not enough. You stare at me whenever I'm not actively paying attention to you, then act like I don't matter at all.”

You got up and rounded the table, getting closer to him out of desperation. You needed to get your point across but now you were a runaway train of emotions and Tohma was tied to the tracks. “I can't take it anymore. I give and I give and I don’t want anything in return but some trust and recognition. But you won't give me anything, not even a small crumb of praise. It's killing me!” You pout, the stopper on your emotions undone, it was all coming out. “And yet I can't say no to you! I hate the way you look right through me, like I'm so silly and entertaining, like a dumb hamster in a cage! I just want you to love me like a person dammit!”

You stopped, suddenly aware of what you had said. Face bright red, slightly out of breath, and holding Tohma's tie in your hand like some sort of love drunk, emotionally repressed delinquent. Your face fell, your embarrassment obvious in your eyes as you met Tohma's stare. His hand reached up to gently pry yours off his tie. “I think there's a misunderstanding,” he said, voice soft, eyes glimmering with amusement.

You let go of his tie, backing off just enough for it to slip slowly from your loosened hand. “I’m listening…” you waited, not wanting to miss what he had to say. “I believe,” he started, speaking slowly, eyes watching your face, “that you are under the impression that I don’t trust you, or that I ask for your assistance purely out of convenience. I assure you it is nothing of the sort.” You huffed out a breath of annoyance again, and started to turn away. You were stopped by Tohma’s hand on your wrist. “Please wait till I’ve finished all I have to say” he requested. You turned back, willing to at least hear him out now that you've made a fool of yourself.

He fixed his gloves, a nervous action for him, one that you rarely saw unless he was stressed. “Not only do I trust you with my life, but I respect your tireless work ethic and endless kindness. Honor student, you somehow find time to do it all, missions, schoolwork, errands from our king and helping myself and the other ghouls. You astound me…” his voice faltered out, going quiet as you stared at him, waiting. He adjusted his gloves again, and glanced back up at you. “Please understand that I ask for your help for two reasons, the primary being that I want your company. Completely selfish, I'm aware. The secondary reason is to give you some time where you can rest a little.” You narrowed your eyes at him, confused but still angry, still restless.

“You do so much for everyone. It bothers me that we all take advantage of your nature. At least here I can make sure you are comfortable, safe and cared for. I fear that you might have misconstrued my intentions…” he trailed off. You huffed a sigh, irritated and upset at yourself. “That's on me” you mumbled “guess I should have just asked you why you were doing all this instead of assuming. I read everything all wrong. Have been reading it all wrong. For a long time. I'm sorry, I totally misunderstood everything.” You couldn't meet his eyes, you were so embarrassed.

But with that embarrassment your anger flared again, and you snapped your head up to glare at him. “But that doesn't excuse you from staring at me! You always do that! Stare at me like you see right through me, like I have no secrets from you. It irritates me to no end. I either want to kiss you or punch you and I can't ever decide which!”

Tohma chuckled, looking at you with a small smile and amusement in his eyes. “I'd much prefer the former, I think a kiss from you would be far more effective at knocking me from the pedestal you perceive me on than anything else.”