Archive of Our Own ^beta

Adam lowered himself into the hot water, his stomach starting to knot as if to warn him. His body would sound off alarms every time he entered a bathroom. He’d feel his brain start pounding against his skull, his stomach wringing itself out like a wet rag, his knees folding like a card table and the air in the room starting to get denser, inhaling was swallowing wet cement. And greatest of all he could feel that damn chain weighing down and rubbing against his ankle. As you’d expect, being deathly afraid of bathrooms proved rather inconvenient for Adam's hygiene. He stank, bad. His apartment probably permanently reeked of BO now, and he need a change.

He let his arms hang limp to his sides, watching the water run up his legs, making the hair on his arms stand up despite the hot temperature in the tub.  

“Is the water warm enough?” A hand reached out sitting on the toilet to twist the knob, a tilting head glancing over his face in genuine concern

“Yeah, it’s just..” Adam paused. Tired blue eyes searched into him, apprehending. The blonde reached out into the water to clasp Adams pruned fingers in his palm. 

“Tell me what you need, Adam.” He met Lawrence’s warm gaze, his own wary.

“I can do it for you.” Lawrence tucked a lock of greasy hair behind Adams ear. “I can do it for you.”

…

He tucked his chin into his chest, his head bumping back into Lawrence. Allowing himself to feel smaller, insignificant, nonexistent, just for once. His life a speck across the prolonged, dawdling timeline of the universe as he knew it. Lawrence clasped his arms around Adams waist, holding him closer to himself, bare. Lawrence ran a sponge over Adam’s stomach, his back, his scarred shoulder. Adam felt his eyes glazing over and let tears warmer than the water itself roll down his cheek, he wiped it off his chin and dipped his hand into the water.

“I don’t know how long its been.” Lawrence wouldn’t ask him to elaborate, he knew what was meant. Either the trap or their intimacy, but it was all the same.

“Me neither.” He replied, resting his chin on Adams good shoulder. His eyelashes flitted against the side of his neck, hands drawing easing circles into his hip.

“Y’know, I got a goldfish as a birthday present once when I was like 4 or 5.” Adams voice cracked. “I used to watch the nature channels and such. I heard things about how it was wrong to take animals from the wild as a pet, right?”

Lawrence chuckled. “Where are you going with this?” 

“So I wanted to release it. Back into the ocean, its home if you will. ..So I flushed it.”

“Jesus christ, that poor goldfish.” Lawrence rubbed the bridge of his nose, performative annoyance.

“I still think about that damn goldfish till this day. And when my dad got home, he asked me, where was the damn thing? I thought he would be so proud of me. I mean, I had been proud of myself, for ‘saving’ the goldfish. Oh boy, did he get mad at me..” He trailed off. “But it was faced with rushing water, an agonizing journey. Kind of like myself. I wonder if he died instantly, probably, It’s safe to assume he did."

"But I didn’t.” He paused. “I didn’t. Not instantly.”

“Adam..”

 “But look at me. The position I’m in now. I survived the first part, The journey down the drain, but I don’t think I've ended up in a place any better than I was (in) before.”

“Neither of us could’ve prevented anything that happened.” 

“I know.. But it keeps me up at night, do you think, if, if we never met, I would ever consider doing something else with my life. You know, not stalking people for a living. Like.. maybe going to college.. getting a job. Like taking photos at weddings or something. Just something useful.”

Lawrence lightly shook Adam's good shoulder, reassuring him. “It doesn't matter if you would do it then, it’s now. Nothings stopping you from taking that up now.”

“I will sometime,” He paused. “But I need to get my shit together first.”