Work Text:
July 3rd
My therapist said I should try journaling about Ca about her about what happened. So. She - She… um … dammit.
July 6th
It’s raining. It’s -
It’s raining.
July 9th
I dreamed about her again. The rain started while I was sleeping.
I always dream when it rains.
July 10th
She followed me. She blew up my apartment. And then Blockbuster and -
And then we drove. I don’t remember where we went. It’s all a blur and -
I almost married her.
I almost married her.
What the hell was I thinking?
July 15th
It’s raining again, and I can’t sleep. I lie in bed and shake and I can’t even close my eyes. All I can see is her body above me. Her smile. She was so warm but I was freezing cold.
I don’t want to write about it anymore.
July 25th
I hate the rain. I hate the summer now, because all it does is rain. It rains and rains and rains and rains and RAINS AND RAINS AND RAINS AND
July 27th
My therapist says I’m doing good. It doesn’t feel like it.
July 28th
If I’m doing good then why do I keep dreaming about it???
July 29th
Had an emergency appointment. I threw up in the middle. First time that’s happened. I cried. First time for that too. I’m supposed to do something that makes me happy today, but I don’t know what that is anymore.
Maybe I’ll go… Tim will notice I’ve been crying. Kori… No.
There’s no way I can see Bruce, he’ll try to bench me.
Wally?
July 30th
Face masks with Wally was fun. Didn’t drink. The therapist says that’s an unhealthy coping mechanism, so… We threw out my beers. I’ll get a bunch of face masks, I guess. They smelled like roses.
She smelled like sweat and rain and perfume. I can see the bottle on the hotel table. The little heart charm on it. I forgot about that.
July 31st
I called Wally and told him about the rain. He didn’t get it, but he listened. He listened. Maybe he’ll listen if I…
August 1st
I went out in the rain. It was daylight, overcast, but still light enough to be different.
I’m so tired. Maybe I can sleep tonight.
August 2nd
GODDAMMED RAIN.
August 3rd
It rained again today. Wally showed up on his own. We watched a movie. I fell asleep on his shoulder. It was nice. I didn’t dream.
August 5th
Donna came over yesterday. Her perfume smelled nice and when she hugged me I wasn’t scared. We went out shopping. She stayed over and slept on the couch. I had a nightmare. She woke me up and cuddled me. She stayed between me and the window and I didn’t dream again.
August 8th
Gar and I went to the park. He brought a frisbee. Gar slobber is still gross, but he spectacularly missed a catch and landed in the pond and… I don’t know how long it’s been since I laughed that hard.
August 9th
I dreamed about her again. Her voice. I woke up and it was raining. I hid in the closet.
August 10th
I slammed the door in Kori’s face. What the hell is wrong with me?
August 11th
Wally came over again and Raven knocked on the door while we were watching tv. She meditated with me and it was really nice, but Wally’s so bad at sitting still it’s hilarious. Raven made tea and set up some aromatherapy thing in my room. It smells nice. Like sunshine.
August 12th
The sunshine helped when I woke up in the middle of the night. I probably shouldn’t stick my nose right over it, but it helped.
August 14th
The team dragged me out today. We went to the mall. Kori was there. She hugged me and I kind of panicked. Raven helped me breathe so I was able to calm down and I didn’t want to go home afterward. We got ice cream and I bought an awesome pair of pants. They have tassels.
August 15th
I dreamed about Miriam last night. I didn’t forget about her exactly, but… Why now?
August 16th
My therapist says it’s because I’m dealing with it, so past stuff is coming up. Am I going to dream about Liu next? I hope not.
August 17th
I jinxed myself. Dammit.
August 18th
I can’t sleep.
August 19th
I can’t sleep.
August 20th
I can’t sleep.
August 21st
I took sleeping pills. I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t wake up and she was there and I COULDN’T WAKE UP. I COULDN’T WAKE UP.
August 22nd
I threw out the pills. Therapist thinks I can be proud of that? I don’t - I don’t… Proud??
August 23rd
Wally dragged me to India. It was raining there too and I got food poisoning. I hurt too much to sleep tonight, so that’s good?
…
No. Therapist would say that’s not good, so it’s probably not good.
Why is this so hard?
August 24th
Vic built me a nightlight. A literal nightlight, I feel like such a child but… He said it helped when he couldn’t sleep after his surgeries. It projects up onto the ceiling. He made it look like soft sunshine through leaves. It’s green and makes me feel calm. He said I can change it easily but I really like this.
August 25th
Donna bought me curtains. I hung them up and the rain stopped. I couldn’t hear it anymore. She says she called in a favor, and I don’t know how it works but I’m so damn grateful.
I can’t hear the rain.
August 26th
I slept well. The smell and the light and the quiet…
I can sleep through the rain now.
August 27th
I slept well again. I’m going to the beach with Kori. Wish me luck.
I had fun. She didn’t touch me. We swam and it was really nice.
August 30th
Tim showed up yesterday. It’s been weeks since I last saw him and we patrolled together. Nothing bad went down but we broke up a minor shootout between some gangs. Flying with him was fun. I should go join him next time.
September 1st
Had a screaming nightmare.
I thought I was done with this.
September 2nd
Therapist says it doesn’t work like that.
I’m so tired.
September 5th
Had an overnight mission with the Titans. Had a nightmare. Woke up to Donna over me and cried. I hate this. I hate this so much.
September 7th
She…
Catalina.
She raped me.
SHE RAPED ME.
why would she do that? I don’t -
why?
September 8th
I don’t want to sleep anymore.
September 9th
I’m not going to sleep tonight.
September 12th
I almost fell off a building today.
I kind of wanted to.
September 13th
I told Wally. He made me call my therapist so we talked. He said it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s great I told a friend, but… I’m supposed to be strong.
No. NO. He said it’s okay to not be strong all the time. I need support. I went through something horrible and it’s okay to need support.
I’m calling the team.
September 14th
I woke up in a tangle of limbs and it didn’t scare me. We’re going out today.
September 16th
I went home. It was nice to see Alfred and Tim again. Not sure about Bruce.
September 17th
Screamed so loud Bruce busted in and woke me up. He said it sounded like I was dying.
I think I was.
He held me. He just held me and rocked. Like when I was small.
September 18th
Tim found out about the curtains and got me some for the manor. I don’t like that he used up a favor with a magician for me, but… It’s nice.
September 19th
Bruce told me he loves me. He still loves me. Even though I… We fought and he told me he loves me. What’s up with that? Is he going to therapy too???
Alfred said he’s going to therapy. They all are. What the hell.
September 21st
Two months left and the rain will stop.
I can’t wait for the snow.
New favorite season?
September 23rd
It didn’t rain and I couldn’t hear it if it did and I still dreamed about her and i HATE THIS.
September 24th
I didn’t dream.
September 25th
Dreamed about Mom and Dad. Not about the fall, just a nice day. I missed their laughter. I wish they were here.
September 27th
Horrifying nightmare. Bruce was there - he was on the rooftop and he didn’t stop her and he said it was my fault and -
…
I threw up in bed. So gross.
Not sure what to do about all that. Not the vomit, I cleaned that up but…
I don’t want to dream that again.
September 28th
Therapist brought up telling Bruce what happened. I don’t… I can’t…
I CAN’T.
September 29th
Wally slept over again. On the window side. That’s where I used to sleep but…
It feels better with someone else there now.
September 30th
Bruce was there again. He just watched. He wasn’t in the suit this time, just house clothes but he didn’t move and I begged him, I begged him and he didn’t help.
October 2nd
I can’t keep dreaming this.
I can’t eat. Hate sleeping.
I have to do something.
I’m going to tell him.
October 3rd
I told him. I told him all of it. Catalina. Miriam. Liu. The dreams.
He didn’t do anything. He just stared until I left.
October 4th
Bruce showed up at my apartment. He grabbed me at the door and I tried to throw him off but he just held me and let me hit him and then I started crying and he just…
He cried. He actually cried. He stood there in the doorway and held me and cried.
I fell asleep on the couch in the middle of the afternoon and when I woke up he was still there. Just holding me close.
October 5th
Bruce wants me to move home. Of course he does. What a control freak.
I said no and we fought. He left.
He knocked on my door half an hour later and told me he loves me. I cried again. I’m so sick of crying.
October 8th
Forecast is predicting a cold snap. I’m praying for snow.
October 10th
It snowed today. Thank god, it snowed today.
October 11th
I didn’t dream anything at all.