Chapter Text
In the outskirts of Seoul, birds were chirping, celebrating a new day’s commencement. Tall trees were starting to lose their leaves, as those slowly got brown, with a few blessed by a dark and pretty orange wandering on their veins.
At the dawn of October, people were roaming in streets, looking at store windows, laughing, joking, crying due to heartaches for some. Even so, it used to create a soft backroom noise fairly comfortable.
When Gihun woke up in this apartment, he couldn't be happier to no longer be in his old miserable hotel, where he had lived for those five long years.
Some weeks ago, the man had been filled with the urge to, before reaching the year 2027, at least change his living environment. To leave all those stories about the games, and those other thoughts which came with it, behind.
And here he was!
This was obviously smaller than the Pink Motel. His flat wasn’t far from being only one large room L-shaped. The corner had the junction separated by a long white curtain that was hiding the former winner’s sleeping space ; the tip of the L, that had an intimate bed against the wall, just wide enough for Gihun’s size.
Although that was a single bed.
Because Gihun didn’t need more.
That was on this bed Gihun woke up. The right wall had a sight on the city thanks to a large window which was stretching its entire length, also behind the curtain as well. The light sky was punctuated by massive white clouds, strewing white all over the blue canvas.
In order to catch the view, he got out of his sheets, barely awake, his naked torso shivering because of the cold. He was so busy those days in had forgotten to put his pajamas on last night, still wearing his last day’s jogging. Gihun rubbed his hand around his forearms, his hair standing on end because of the unexpected temperature change.
It seemed as if he had tried to change just before going to bed, and had given up after the first step.
Besides, according to the panorama he was seeing of the park below his building right now through the window, Gihun had forgotten to put the awning down just as much.
Whereas waking up, he rocked from one foot to another, hoping being active would make his body warmer. He put a hand on the window, the outside chilliness leaning against Gihun’s palm, not softening in the slightless in the room. It was for sure not that insulating to have these large things all over the wall.
After a little while, enough time for his pupils to get used to the sudden light, Gihun took a peek at his desk just to his right.
He had finally decided three days ago to eventually try to get a job, and it was way more complicated than he had considered.
Papers were scattering the table, and glancing at them was enough to give Gihun some unwelcomed headaches.
In fact, Gihun could have lived with his 45.6 billion wons, he knew it, but just as before he returned into the games, his word couldn't be firmer : this, was blood money.
And even though there weren’t games anymore, it still was. So he had dispatched all his prize to players who had gotten out of his place alive, to pay their debts. He hadn’t cared if those people weren’t “good” enough to deserve it, weren’t “good people” at all.
They were people.
That was all that mattered.
Obviously, he had also given a part to his old friends. As Sangwoo who, after coming back from his fake work trip, had confessed to him he was submerged by debts bigger and bigger than the last one, or some other people he had met thanks to his childhood friend, as Saebyeok, helping her with her little brother and still searching for her mother in North Korea, or Ali, being in trouble because of unpaid scam work.
Gihun had tried his best to remove their troubles.
Beyond that, Gihun’s new friends hadn’t been spared either.
The only player who got out of the 2021’s games alive, had made sure to use his money wisely, giving a lovely apartment to Junhee and her baby in the center of Seoul. He had made sure Hyunju would have her surgery, and that she could go to Thailand when she would feel ready. He had made sure Geumja and her son, Yongsik, could get their restaurant like they wanted.
Gihun had tried his best to give them happy lives, after all that happened.
Breaking away his sight from the desk, the man focused his eyes on the view of the park at the bottom. Gihun’s apartment was located on the building’s fifth floor, and with those large windows it wasn’t difficult to be taken by vertigo. Gihun wasn’t afraid, he had seen more.
Plus, it was in a way soothing, seeing those kids having fun down there.
It was a quick reminder that life was worth-living, that Gihun had maybe saved one of those innocent children to be involved in the games later on. They were just playing as if it wouldn’t be tomorrow, like Gihun had played back then. Those were good kids.
Kids..
Just before giving all the money that remained to diverse associations, Gihun had also bought a small “Daddy-loves-you” teddy bear for his daughter. Nevertheless, he had figured later she was perhaps too old by now. And surely happier without him.
The teddy bear was still resting on the edge of Gihun’s desk right now, never being sent.
And after that… there wasn’t really something left to do.
When he was still in his hotel, emptied of money since he had given up on it, Gihun had been eating only thanks to Geumja’s feed, even though she hadn’t opened her restaurant yet. Even now he was still closed, actually.
And, by those ongoing days, since the current apartment’s price had been way less expensive than the Pink Motel’s, he had been living with what remained for some weeks.
And since he wouldn’t last eternally ; Gihun had to get a job.
That was this whole “it” that was giving Gihun some unwanted awful headaches.
So instead of lingering on it, he turned away from the window and went to his wardrobe, at the end of his bed.
As everything in his house, that was a really small wardrobe, just enough for some clothes ; black jackets, dark jeans, black t-shirts, black shirts, black socks. Gihun hasn't been best friends with colour lately.
Since his first game in 2021, to be precise.
However, for today, he decided to come with a dark red t-shirt he had bought a few times ago. Some changes can’t be that bad after all, right? It wasn't like he was wearing a green garment, a colour, anyhow, banished of all his tastes in clothing. Tastes which weren’t honestly high yet.
Since Gihun was already half-naked, he figured he should get to shower before taking his morning coffee and get dressed. Besides, he really wanted to stop being obsessed with that fucking. Morning. Coffee. But that was either his morning coffee, or his cigarettes. Not thinking about it would be better, since he hadn’t stopped smoking either.
He opened the white curtain which separated his “bedroom” – if we can call that a bedroom – with his “living room”. If we can call that a living room.
In the L’s corner, there was a little space that was what Gihun could refer to as his lounge ; a medium TV placed on a dresser, against the large window which was extending from his room.
In front of it, there was a large red corner sofa – not that Gihun wanted a large red corner sofa, but all his friends had been united in opposition to him, because they wanted a comfy place to come over – couch whose corner was against the upper wall currently ahead of Gihun.
The rest of the L-shape was stretching as a hallway, which was leading to two other rooms on the left and the front door at the very end. That wasn’t a mansion, nor a hotel, but Gihun liked it this way.
In his own minimalist way.
Because, if he was being honest, since the island, big places were quite creepy.
Gihun took a step and started moving forward, overtaking some moving boxes he hadn’t opened yet that were still in the corridor.
He quickly made his way to the second door at the far end of the hall, opened it just as swiftly, and shut it in one motion. Gihun barely looked at the large stone sink at the right of the room, neither to the blanket covering the mirror above it, and went nearly straight in the shower, stripping his jogging only a step before.
Water flowing onto his skin, the man let out an exhausted sigh. Seeing his own body naked was definitely not something he liked, but more of an option he genuinely despised. That was one of the reasons he didn’t let himself a possibility to see his reflection, particularly in his bathroom.
He was so lean. His mother would surely have reprimanded, taunting and remembering him when he wasn’t stopping eating, and eating, despite the lack of money persisting. Yet by now, any food he would eat would end up with this taste on his tongue, cadaveric, no matter the time that had passed.
Gihun closed his eyes. He searched for his shampoo blindly, groping around the cold walls, his hand still draining water by small drops, unhearable because of the waterfall coming from his shower head. Eventually, he found it on a little shelf hanging against the wall.
His hands going past through his dark hair, every stand stroking between his phalanxes. Perhaps they were a few lengths longer by now, he should go to the barber soon. Gihun applied the slop onto them, the soft smell of orange filling air.
It was clearly easier eyes closed.
____________
A few minutes later, Gihun got out of the bathroom, a white shovel lazily wrapped around his hips. Heading towards his bedroom, pushing the curtain a little more on the left while coming, he finally arrived in front of his wardrobe.
Whereas he was about to take something in, the phone Gihun had left on his desk last night started ringing. Doing his best to take it under all those papers, he finally managed to reply the call :
“Gihun, Gihun, Gihun!!”
What a--... He hadn’t even checked who was calling, but obviously, the tone in Jungbae’s excited voice wasn’t letting any doubt about it anymore.
“Why are you calling?” Gihun mumbled. “I’ve been awake for like– ten minutes, fucks sake.”
Gihun hadn’t taken his morning coffee yet, and it usually made him a little grumpy. But it seems as Jungbae took it in the exact, opposite way.
“Here!” the other man laughed, awfully happy. “After some years you’re starting to look like yourself again! It’s two in the afternoon in barely half an hour.”
Gihun was convinced that if a smile could get out of a phone, he would currently be assaulted by Jungbae's insupportable little smirk he could presently hear through the receiver.
“Certainly,” began Gihun ignoring the first sentence and rolling his eyes, while searching harshly in the wardrobe with his right hand, “it doesn’t change the fact I woke up ten minutes ago and that I didn’t take my coffee yet. Why’re you calling?”
He didn’t really catch the mocking remark on the other line, but it was for sure not the voice of Jungbae.
“Who are you with?”
“Sangwoo!” came the answer, then a scrunchy noise for another voice to take the lead.
“Please hyung come help me, I’m begging,” Sangwoo’s exhausted voice coming through,
“it’s only been five minutes since I’ve been with hi-...”
“Give me th--..rah.. you’re kind of a mess you know? I’m supposed to be the messy one, let this–...”said, in a grumble, Gihun’s original interlocutor while trying to get back his phone.
“Sangwoo you’re impossible really—..” Jungbae gave three loud taps behind the receiver. “I know you adore me but I’m the one who’s calling, huh?” he finally said in a satisfied sigh of one who had the situation back in his hands.
Literally.
“Anyway Gihun, I have the solution to your coffee problem. We’re coming with some to…what’s the name already?” Jungbae’s tone suddenly frowning.
“Get to the point!” Gihun decreed, nonetheless slightly amused.
“Yeah, okay, okay..” the other man grumbled. “But you know, the one ahead the bookstor-..”
“Jungbae, please come over.” Gihun requested.
“Good.” finally complied the one concerned with a sigh. “Would my great and dear friend of mine drink his afternoon coffee, with some of his just as great and dear friends of his at the cafe ahead of the bookstore ?” swung ironically Jungbae.
Taking a black pants out of his closet, Gihun hesitated slightly.
“I still have to fill in all my job contracts, I don’t really know if I..” he tried to explain.
But once again, the voice of Sangwoo stood out of the phone.
“Gihun, I promise you, if you’re not over there at three – it’s the very most maximum, if I had to give you an advice, be there at two – I will come to your house and I’ll make sure to postulate at every-single-job you want to get. And…”
“And between the great mister Cho Sangwoo graduated from the Seoul National University, I have no chance.” Gihun cutted, making his best act of being desperate while finishing the sentence. “Okay, you got me, I’ll come.”
To be utterly honest, he still was feeling headaches just looking at those documents, and it was either taking his mor--… afternoon coffee – it has been a while since Gihun had been a late riser – alone, or with people. Glancing a new look at this dark red shirt, Gihun heard a sizzling sound through the receiver, indicating the phone was once again in Jungbae’s hands.
“So Gihun, you’ve to come!” a person, who was obviously Jungbae, said.
“He already said he will, idiot.”
“Oh. See you later then!”
And just like that, they hung the call up.
Jungbae spitting image.
Gihun quickly checked the time on his phone’s screen.
1:47 PM
He set it down above his many forms on the desk, putting together the thoughts of all the steps he would have to do going to a cafe he hadn't seen more than one time in his life. In the meantime, he went back to his lounge, pressing some buttons on the wall in order to, finally, put the awning down.
One of the problems in the former winner’s apartment was that the principle of intimacy didn’t quite exist here, because of the large windows covering all over the facade. And Gihun hadn’t any desire about traumatizing some children playing down there.
As soon as it was done, he returned to his room, some steps beside.
Being honest, Gihun hadn’t many principles left about being seen naked – not that he wanted to – It’s just that, when you know several people have already undressed you, changed you, touched parts of your body to be sure you hadn’t something which could bother the ‘games’, it’s sure no longer that weird.
Of course, he wasn’t at ease seeing himself naked, but Gihun didn’t care about others seeing him anymore. Who would anyway? Plus, this rule doesn’t apply to children. Gihun cared enough about the kids for them not to see his body.
No, the problem here was being watched naked.
Having this feeling to be spy on, surveil, that someone is watching you against your will. Gihun has an immeasurable fear of being stalked, that some cameras are still monitoring him, even so there are no more games, no more island.
He’s not comfortable in public spaces, because in every street he goes to, there are inevitably security cameras in all the corners, watching him. And even so, it’s in the name ; ‘Security Cameras’, yet, Gihun doesn't feel safe.
A few minutes later, afterwards being changed – with this one red dark shirt he had eventually decided to wear, and one of his bleak pants – Gihun took a quick look at himself in the window, since he didn’t have a glass in his apartment, except in his bathroom. However, it was always covered with a sheet.
Gihun hasn’t been best friends with seeing his reflection lately.
Since his first game in 2021, to be precise.
On account of the awning being now closed, it was like seeing himself on a large black screen. It wasn’t clear, a little gloomy even, but unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to hide Gihun’s exhausted and pitiful body posture.
The only two colours on the window were his skin hue, tired and pale hide doing nothing but resting on his organs, and his shirt. Dark, red, shirt, that he had precisely chosen for this reason, a new color palette in his poor life deprived of-..
Of…
Life?
When the games had been stopped, Gihun had hoped – had begged – for something to come back as before, for his own self to come back as before. Without the gambling addiction, obviously. Because he would never gamble again.
But here was the problem : it seems like in his life, he had precisely, only, been good at this reason, gambling as a disgusting creature, similar to those repulsive fat cats that this man--... had said gambling on player’s lives. By extension, on Gihun’s, life too.
Gihun was a kind of self-being who wasn’t even capable of saving people’s existences – yeah, the games had stopped, but thanks to him? He didn’t believe so – and who was surprisingly still alive, even if he didn’t deserve to.
It was… too much, in a way. Gihun could no longer take the sight of his own failure. All those deaths who could have been saved with more time, the sound of their voices haunting him every time he dared closing his eyes.
Perhaps… it would have been better if he had died over there.
As this thought was setting in his head, a little single ring broke the silence. Gihun teared off his eyes from his blur reflection and turned around in order to take his phone ;
Sangwoo had sent : “I said two would be better, huh?”
Gihun looked at his screen for a few seconds, blinking in front of the time that was already at 2:08, unable to understand how he had managed to stare at himself for twenty minutes straight.
He didn’t waste any more time, taking a black light jacket in his closet, switching on once again the buttons on the wall while going towards the exit.
Whereas Gihun was going out and closing the front door, the awning was opening up, discovering the clear windows overlooking the park, where children were still acting as monsters, in order to celebrate October's month.
_____________________
Gihun arrived at the coffee place a little bit before two and a half.
It was an open space, a lovely terrace placed ahead of a library/book-store across the street, offering a soft panorama of the narrow avenue they were located in. The whole was surrounded by habitations, muffled orange lights coming from high windows, houses tangled into each other because of all the electricity cables.
The ground was made with light stone, glowing by the autumn’s humidity, reflecting the warm glimmers. There were other stores all around : flower shops, concurrent cafes, diners, sewing shops… The general atmosphere was calm and welcoming, all that in a lost corner of Seoul, hidden far from the city center.
Yet, there were many people going on both sides of the street, looking for friends, or presents. Some were nervous for a date, buying flowers for a wedding, holding hands with their partners, envisaging finding an apartment in such a pretty place.
Gihun couldn’t blame them, it was a really nice day for a chill walk. The sky had just begun to be a little cloudy, but all day until that, it had been the-just-perfect-day to start the horror month. A few winds here and there, just enough to mess hairs up. He was himself going on a calm walk towards the cafe where his friends were waiting ; strangely, way more friends than expected.
“Gihun! You made us wait!” cheered Saebyeok as soon she saw him come.
In front of the man’s eyes, instead of an excited Jungbae and a tired Sangwoo sitten at a three table, here were Saebyeok, Daeho, Geumja, Hyunju, Junhee and Ali, all granting with wide grins.
Gihun threw a suspicious sigh to Jungbae who replied right after a quick gulp of liquid.
“What? You’re blaming me for you being late?” was all he said.
Gihun took a seat between Hyunju and Ali, where he had a global view on the avenue, including that amazing book store without which he would never have found his way. All of his friends were already served, as if they had been there for hours ; soft sweets on saucers, small cake parts for each person, crumbs strewed all over the table.
Before asking questions, Gihun raised his hand, calling the waiter, ordering a black hard coffee, bitter and tight, as he liked it. Since the drink would take a little time to come, Gihun glanced this time at Sangwoo, who had an awful familiar taunting spark in his eyes.
“Why are all of you here?” Gihun asked, his first words since he had arrived, not turning away from Sangwoo’s sight.
“I think we’ve been pretty clear,” he answered in a discreet smirk, “ ‘we’re coming with some’, wasn’t it obvious?” replied his childhood friend, clearly entertained by the situation, before lowering his gaze.
“I thought you were the some.” his counterpart sighed.
But weirdly enough, Gihun couldn’t help but blame himself. He should have heard it. He remembered now and it was the truth, if he had taken some time to just listen he would have known ; it had been said from the start.
It wasn’t Sangwoo’s responsibility to remember the grown man he was that other people would be present, even if his childhood friend knew Gihun wasn’t at ease with too many people anymore.
And even more when he had seen them in players' outfits, fighting for their life among other green figures.
But still, they were his friends, it wasn’t a big deal at all! And it didn't really change anything, did it? Maybe even if he had known he would have come anyway, who knows?
However it still was--....
“It almost seems like you aren’t happy to see us, Gihun.” grinned Saebyok while biting into a small pink cake, then eating it whole in less than one second.
“Stop saying that!!” Junhee said with an annoyed — but more an amused — face, hitting a restrained thump on Saebyok's shoulder, but enough to almost make her spit out what she had just swallowed, “Imagine how we would feel if he says that he isn’t.”
“I’m just…surprised, to see y’all.” mumbled the one who they were talking about with a small sigh, rubbing his hands through his hair on his lowered head. “I have the feeling I’m still half-asleep actually.” the man whispered in a grunt while looking up. “Oh, yeah, thank you.”
The waiter had already been back and was just above them, standing, giving Gihun one warm black cup, addressing a polite smile to the sweet team. As he was going to left with a quiet bow, he decided to not :
“Excuse me, ladies and sirs, I think it’ll start raining soon,” he explained, “consequently, if you’ve been planning to stay, I strongly encourage you to come inside.”
Gihun opened his eyes wide.
It was awkward to say, but it’d been a long time since--…
“It’s the most polite proposition towards me I’ve heard in decades.” decreeted Jungbae casually ; As always, sharing out loud the same personal thoughts that were going inside Gihun’s mind.
“Are you never going outside?” sighed Saebyeok while playing with a teaspoon. “It’s like--… the most casual way to talk to a customer in shops.”
“Ha-ha. Very funny of you Mrs. ‘I-go-outside-every-poor-seconds-of-my-life’.” grumbled Jungbae with a quick peek at the girl.
But Jungbae’s face didn’t stay still for a long time. On the contrary, he grinned slightly, throwing a glance of someone planning something huge to Daeho, little boy drinking his cappuccino, unaware of what was coming.
Less than a few seconds later, Jungbae had risen to his feets, all smiling and happy as the same time he dealt, for absolutely no concrete reason, a sound slap on Daeho’s back who – obviously – immediately shouted in pain. The older man helped his protégé, slightly stunned, to get up, laughing in a true giggle that made the situation even more incomprehensible for those watching.
From the moment Sangwoo understood the situation was going to go in all directions, he quickly nodded to the waiter and got towards the inside without a glance for his friends. Saebyeok – who had learned it was better most of the time to follow Sangwoo’s unexpected moves when he did one – took the spoon with her and kept behind him.
“Come on boy, you’re an energetic young man and all, I know.” Jungbae began. “But me and these three men,” he pointed a finger to Gihun, Ali and Sangwoo, who had just passed the door, “are going to be old dinosaurs soon. So take the plates – because you want and have to take care of your elders – and let’s get inside!”
And as soon as Daeho had more or less understood what his pity father model had just said, Jungbae let him go in order to take a ridiculous proud gait, under his friend’s gaze full of incomprehension, to go indoors the cafe.
Before the door’s closing, the younger man yelled in a last try :
“What exactly was the purpose of hitting me?!”
But Jungabe was already inside, visible through the large shop window.
Jungbae spitting image.
The little silence which had followed some instants after, was broken by Hyunju’s chuckle, without any doubt genuine, while she was helping Daeho who was still muttering discreetly.
“Elders, elders, my ass elders.. Geumja is like--… twice their age.”
“What did you just say?” the voice of the aged woman coming from the other side of the table, asked.
“I mean, if there is an old dinosaur here, it has to be you.” mumbled Daeho, even though he should have held it back.
“Oh! What mistake, exactly when I was going to help you!!” shouted the veteran, confirming the precedent urge that would have been way less dangerous.
“Hyunju, don’t stay with this little moron who doesn’t have a hint of respect for his ‘elders’ as he says, he doesn’t deserve your help, nuh!”
Fastly, Geumja joined Gihun and Junhee, passing ahead to come by the cafe’s door. She didn’t wait any more time before slapping the door in their faces.
“She did take it badly.” commented Junhee, impressed by the quick time between all the last events.
“Um, no I don’t think so,” said Ali while going next to Daeho and Hyunju, taking some other sweets in his hands, “she always loved the show.” he smiled.
“At the end of it,” Gihun grinned too, “I’m glad you don’t consider us as old dinosaurs, Daeho.”
He turned his chest towards the door, but kept his gaze on his four friends, particularly on Ali and Junhee.
“Ali is way too well preserved to be called an old dinosaur.”
“Gihun! You guys aren’t even that old!!” Junhee protested as Gihun had expected, tapping on his back.
"Too old to bring plates unfortunately, what a shame…” her interlocutor whined ironically. “Well, maybe being an old dinosaur isn’t too bad after all.”
While Gihun and Junhee were making their ways to the cafe’s inside, laughing and – in Junhee’s case – complaining about Gihun’s self-degradation, they barely heard the start of the discussion between the three left, only Hyunju’s sentences were understandable :
“Ali, please, for once that Gihun is right. You literally look like you never left your thirties. And no – before you ask –, having two fingers missing doesn’t change anything. Besides, I don’t know what happened in that man's mind, Jungbae’s not Gihun’s, since I’m older than you but anyway..”
Once indoors, Gihun and Junhee went to the table that their friends had chosen beforehand, one against the shop window. Sangwoo and Saebyeok were next to each other, sniping from time to time when Jungbae was saying something stupid. Geumja seemed to have forgotten the small later misunderstanding, and was now waving his hand to the two people coming.
Gihun took an equivalent seat as his last, the bookstore still in sight with the quiet street, but through the window that time. Since neither Ali or Hyunju had come yet, Junhee took her place at his left, Sangwoo finding himself between the two young girls.
During the waiting time for the three still outside to arrive, Gihun studied the interior place, not far different from the comfy atmosphere of the entire district :
There were a lot of people who had already come inside, sheltering from the forthcoming rain in the friendly homecoming cafe.
Because, sure it was.
It was a place wrapped in a warm brown cocoon, made with dark marron wood used on tables, chairs, and even some walls. There were three windows on the facade, decorated by soothing lanterns hooked one into others at the very top, setting up Halloween’s month beginning.
The left and right walls were built with beige render, barely visible because of all the diverse pictures, souvenirs and decorations – obviously fabricated in wood, to go with the whole – hiding the rough matter. There were many other orange lamps sprinkled almost everywhere, giving a real already-autumn mood to the shop.
On the contrary, the front and back walls – the one with the entrance and the other behind the counter – were made with the same dark brown wood of the tables, giving a sweet colour's reminder. Even though, for example, the chestnut wood of the table was lighter than the apron’s wall one.
The only slight disadvantage in this homey comfy place, was that the cafe’s soundproofing had had a weird way to be conceived. Indeed, it was made so that everything happening outside the cafe was just as easily heard as what was happening inside. It seemed like the windows had a weird effect on the global customers’ hearing, even though it wasn’t so annoying for them, since the street was rarely noisy.
Nonetheless, the strange thing here, was that anyone who was outside the building couldn’t hear anything happening inside, unless he had his ear against the window.
It was part of the discreet charm, Gihun guessed.
The counter, where Jungbae was currently requesting some more napkins, was, so, located in front of the entrance. It was in Gihun’s back, made with walnut wood a little bit paler than it would originally be, a sign that it may have been here for a while now.
There were chalk boards hanging on, covered by children's drawings, menus for the week, or simply sweet words left by last customers for the next coming. A little girl was, incidentally, tracing white lines with an almost entirely used chalk stick, which was so small it wouldn’t be surprising if it disappeared all of a sudden.
Weirdly enough, she reminded Gihun of Gayeong.
The young Gayeong, his sweet babygirl, before he had started gambling and all things alike. When Eunji and him were still together, even if there were some problems here and there.
The one Gihun had seen growing up, at least until her tenth. The first time she smiled, just for him. The father he was remembered this day as if it was yesterday…
. . .
“Appa.”
Gihun was sitting on a bench, in the ‘Gieoke-Gongweon’ park, located next to his ex-shared house with Eunji during his near forties. The weather was calm and warm as it should be during an usual November day. All the brown leaves had now fallen, and some snow was even predicted for the next few days.
Given the sight of the young Gayeong in her pink coat, she had something similar to three years old, maybe four in the coming December. She was wearing damaged boots way too big for her, probably belonging to her father.
Her black hair was shorter than the last time Gihun saw her, at ten, obviously. It even seemed like she had cutted them haphazardly by herself some days ago. Still, she was pretty, beautiful : and above all, particularly happy with her dad.
“Appa!”
Gihun sat up straight, his middle hair reaching his neck stroking his white shirt collar, and there was too, the cap he wasn’t putting off at that time which was trapping some mangled and messy dark strands. He put his elbows on his knees, leaning ahead to meet his daughter's face.
"What's wrong honey?” he whispered in a soft voice he currently no longer had.
Gayeong opened her mouth, and closed it. She looked like the cutest jellyfish existing on earth. If Gihun didn’t know better he was in a memory, he would have lightly chuckled. Instead, he watched how his little girl pointed his finger towards one of the children's playground games, and took a sight at him once again.
“I w-wanna to g-go on t-the--...”
Oh.
She was still making simple grammar mistakes, who could have guessed it wouldn’t last more than a few weeks after this afternoon? Not Gihun. Time had passed so quickly.
“You wanna go on the seesaw, sweetie?”
Gayeong nodded slightly, then held out her hand so her dad could take it. When the forties Gihun grabbed it softly – on the contrary of current Gihun who would have shivered all over his body – the sensation that happened while he rose to his feet was…indescribable.
No, no, it wasn’t.
The warmth emanating from the little hand that was holding his felt as heaven. In the kindest sort of heavens. Even though she was wearing padded white wool gloves, right now, it couldn’t be better than that ; his daughter's hand in his. Was it, in a way, moments like this the happier he had in his life?
Maybe.
“Appa~..”
Gihun took her in his arms and carried her in order to put her on the seat. She raised her arms, letting go of his hand at the same time, to slip off from her dad’s embrace, and finally get onto her ride.
Gihun already missed her heat. He missed her. The current seventeen, soon eighteen, years old Gayeong. He truly, actually, missed her.
Was that a true happy memory? Was it the happiest he had had?
Most likely.
“Appa, what is this?”
On Gayeong’s hand, was a small snowflake, completely white.
Then in less than a few seconds, came tons and tons, each whiter than the latest. The wind had woken up, a cold breeze blowing on their faces, making their cheeks red from the freezing. Gihun’s cap flew away, whirling and spinning again and again in air.
Reflexively, he began going on his hat’s path, but stopped seeing Gayeong, in total admiration, still on her seat. Gihun took her in his arms, protecting her under his own jacket, while running, trying to get his beloved cap back.
However, his true beloved one was there, laughing, eyes sparkling in front of the first snow she had seen in her life.
Laughing, and smiling, with this crystal laugh children had.
Just for Gihun.
Just for her dad.
. . .
The cafe hadn't changed.
Even though Gihun had been with his daughter for a few instants, the rude reality was still there. Jungbae hadn't come back from the counter yet, talking to some employees who were pleased to have a break in their rush day ; even if the ‘break’ was Jungbae continuing chatting.
Geumja was reading with a pocket book she was always carrying in her bag.
Junhee and Saebyeok were taunting Sangwoo about something, Gihun couldn't catch the words, even though they were less than a few inches apart. His world was blurred, Gihun's eyesight wrapped into a white gloomy sheet mist, his real world far away, perhaps resting in a house, in the United States.
In a park, next to his former house.
In a smile, in the middle of snow.
Was she still speaking Korean?
The little cafe’s girl had almost stopped drawing on the chalk board, an insignificant piece stuck into her fingers. The pink texture of chalk sticks lingering on her nails, dust tumbling in space with too quick gestures. But before it came to an end, a stranger just… came, gave a new blue piece of chalk to the young girl and left with nothing more.
The child hadn’t even had the time to say anything, not even a ‘Thank you!’ or an ‘I don't talk to strangers I don't know!’ It was nothing more but a gentle act, nothing more but a blue chalk stick now pressing on the board. The little girl drew a stick man under her already-made drawing, with a small bubble saying ; ‘Kind sir :)’
Jungbae, still beside the counter, came to a stop in his discussion in order to kneel down next to the little girl. They smiled. It was a shame Jungbae hadn't seen his daughter in ages. He might miss her, too.
How does she look now?
A couple was holding hands on the table next to Gihun's.
They had the one in the corner, with soft brown leather sofas against the walls. There was a boy and a girl, the man having short dark chocolate hair but with, still, a little bit of length, going with pretty long half-straight half-wavy bangs on his frown. The girl had sweet black wavy hair, stroking her neck, not going further, while her smile was extending from ear to ear.
The middle-aged boy placed a quick kiss on his girl’s cheek, quick but loving, so loving it left a small pink trace on the place. Or perhaps it was nothing more than the girl's blushing cheeks. Who knows.
Gihun knew they were cute.
Did she forget about him?
It had started raining outside.
The others wouldn't wait longer before coming in.
It was soft, hearing the rain hitting the window, again and again, without thinking of stopping. Because the rain was doing everything it wanted, cracking in a storm if it wanted to, in delicate tears if it wanted to.
The rain was a little too much like Gihun, wasn't it?
Old Gihun would have screamed if he wanted to, smiled if he wanted to, hurt someone if he wanted to – though he never really wanted to.
Indeed, the rain and Gihun were quite similar. But the rain was doing everything it wanted.
Not Gihun.
It would be easier being a rain than being a Gihun.
Is she still his babygirl?
Next to him, Saebyeok and Junhee were watching things on a phone. At the same time they were trapping Sangwoo between their two bodies, in order to be closer to each other. The way they were gently torturing him suggested it was perhaps Sangwoo's phone currently in their hands. And even though he was pretending to hate this abrupt form of affection, Sangwoo was smiling softly while the two girls weren't hiding their laughs from him in the slightest.
Geumja looked up, ready to say some snacking remarks about loud noise, opened her mouth and… grinned, before looking at her book once again.
They were happy. And Gihun was, t--...
“Wait.” the rough voice said.
Some steps suddenly’ve been heard, quietly, among the sound of the drops hitting the puddles. The door Gihun had opened some times before had just closed. It had closed two times. It had, so, also been opened two times.
“What is this?” Gihun asked, with a suspicious glance towards the other man who had just arrived from the building’s entrance, while a small package was handed to him.
“I heard you needed money.” responded Eunji's husband, holding his umbrella under the rain, hand still reaching out.
Gihun looked away for a few seconds, swallowing his pride, before taking the little white packet.
“Thank you.” he said, lowering his head for an instant. “I'll pay you back.”
“You don't have to.” cut the other man.
One second passed.
“Instead, I need you to stop coming to see my family.”
“Gayeong is having a tough time.”
“We're moving to the US soon, but if you keep showing up like this–..”
That had been rude. But honest, and sure deserved. And at the end of it, Gihun wasn't with Gayeong anymore, it hasn't changed anything, slapping that man, nothing except making his daughter mad at him, once again.
But that had been the good choice, it had.
“Wait!...Listen to me, please Gihun, please listen..”
In Gihun's thoughts, another voice, way more soft, way more heart-breaking, had appeared slowly while he wa--...
Is he still her dad?
“Gihun? Are you okay?” suddenly asked Junhee, the precedent discussion’s laughs fading by.
The bygone father waited one instant, enough time to realize where he actually was.
“Y-Yeah, I believe so.” muttered Gihun, while wiping a tear off on his right cheek. He hadn’t even realized he had let go a tear.
“You don’t need to worry that much Gayeo--…”
He gasped.
Junhee’s eyes softened immediately at this, as she understood. As she understood he had almost called her by his babygirl’s name. His daughter’s name.
Saebyeok was, as well, watching him. Less emotive than Junhee, at first sight, her glaze could be seen as a simple observation of what was happening. However, there was a tint in her pupils that was just as gentle as the other girl’s.
In a way, they were Gihun’s daughters too.
Even if none of them had ever announced it clearly, everyone knew. They would never replace Gayeong, but these two young women were a kind dressing on one of Gihun’s most hurtful wounds.
Sangwoo closed his eyes, taking a strong gulp of coffee, but didn’t say a word.
Gihun was, kind of thankful for that. His childhood best friend — perhaps his best friend at all — didn’t have to say anything about the whole : he knew.
Suddenly, the front door opened in a smash.
Here were Ali, dealing with way too many plates single-handedly, Hyunju, trying at all costs to close the door still wide open because of the violent wind, and Daeho between the two, utterly soaked.
After Hyunju finally closed the door and excused herself to all customers who had taken some drops, it seemed as if the whole cafe had stopped during a quick moment, before discussions resumed.
Geumja rose to her feet, going straight towards Hyunju, rumbling her hands against the young girl’s shoulders in order to warm her up, even though she was way shorter and getting to Hyunju's shoulders was, on his own, a challenge.
The one concerned smiled softly, whispering a few calming words for the old woman to ease. Hyunju wasn't the kind of person to pretend ; she loved Geumja as her mother and she would never hide it.
“Hey, has someone a towel? Or a napkin? To be honest I don't really care..” said Daeho, hesitantly, next to his chair, not knowing if it was right to sit down still soaked as he was.
Throughout the time Ali put down the sweets – all impressively preserved from the rain – Jungbae chose that moment to come back, as usual the only one unaware of what was going on even though all the cafe had seen the three friends coming in.
“Heeyy,” started Jungbae, putting his right hand on Daeho’s back while holding in his left hand the new napkins he had been looking to get, for what seemed, a decade.
“It started raining outside, didn't it? Do you want some…uh.” he looked towards the ten poor paper napkins he had in his hand, "Nevermind, take these while I’ll be looking up if they’ve some towel…or even a rag should fit the bill at that point, right son?” he finished in a rude, but at the same time, sweet chuckle before going back towards one of the waiters he had been talking with.
“Um, thanks.” muttered in a whisper Daeho, trying to wipe off his hair.
Ali and Hyunju took their place, and eventually Daeho decided to, after Hyunju and a coworker of the one who had gone with Jungbae told him to.
The entire table began to resume conversations, waiting for their friend to return from his I-need-to-save-Daeho-because-this-is-my-fault-if-he-is-wet-but-I-will-never-admit-it task. Gihun had had way enough time to regain himself and was even trying to participate.
“As I said,” started Hyunju, first for Geumja only, then for the whole table, “it came so quickly, really, we were talking about stuff and…”
The young woman made a large form with her arms, similar to an immense explosion. Suddenly, she put her elbows on the tablecloth, resting her cheeks on her hands while smiling softly, lost in mind.
“I’m wondering if it’s raining as much in Thailand..” Hyunju sighed, whispering almost.
“When are you planning to go?” asked Gihun, approaching the subject cautiously. “You still have enough money to, right?” he added, a hint of worry reaching his throat.
Hyunju, who was still in the same posture, only turned her sigh to look directly at Gihun’s eyes. She grinned, her beautiful features easing behind her long black hair.
“Yeah, it’s okay, stop worrying that much, you’re already frowning.” she answered in a smile.
Saebyeok, who always had an ear lying around, stretched her arm in order to give a small tap on Gihun’s head, causing him to soothe a little ;
“He does too much, right.” Saebyeok said rhetorically, humming while sagging back into her seat.
“Hmm!” continued Geumja, raising her head from her little plate where she was hiding to eat a small piece of pink cake, “How is Youngmi doing by the way?”
“Fine!" responded Hyunju, stretching in her chair, “She’s doing all the annoying stuff at Bangkok, we’ll surely set up over there, so she’s checking everything is okay.”
“Has she expected to return soon?” Geumja murmured tenderly, while fiddling with her sweet, not looking the woman directly in the eyes.
“No, no I don’t think so. She’s waiting for me, it’s rather me who'll go soon.”
Among the four still listening to the conversation, in other words Geumja, Gihun, Saebyok, and obviously Hyunju, the silence lingered a little too long, filled by Junhee and Daeho’s talking and Ali’s bad jokes to Sangwoo. Hyunju held the three concerned looks.
“But you guys know it’s because it’s so difficult to let y'all behind I’m still there, huh?”
They nodded silently. It sure will be weird the day Hyunju will be gone. But everyone was moving forward, wasn’t it the most important?
“Daeho you’re such a lucky boy today! They even had a bath towel!!”
Jungbae had come back, bringing with him a white rough towel to the soaked boy, still shivering all over his body onto his seat. He dropped it straight in the young boy’s arm and took his place in the last free chair, at Gihun’s right.
“Nonetheless, I have to confess, son,” started Jungbae while setting up cosily, “the staff took us for morons, and I’m with them on this point because..”
Jungbae pointed a finger to the window.
“How the hell did you do to be soaked – but really soaked, it looks like you just came back from the pool – with so little rain?!”
And the worst part in that, was that Jungbae was right.
Watching the street right away, there was nothing left from the tempest which had just happened. Nothing but slight rain’s tears, falling on the few coloured umbrellas passing on the way.
It was still raining, so much that not more than around ten people were outside, and it wasn’t a gentle rain either : but it was nothing to be soaked of, let alone at that point.
While Daeho was staring at the window as he had seen a ghost alive, a small chuckle broke the quiet observation. All looks turned towards Junhee, hiding her wide open mouth behind her hand.
Then a second.
Saebyeok, had suspectly, her too, her hands covering her entire face.
Then the final.
A muffled snort, discreet and short, almost imperceptible, if – unfortunately for him – all sides weren’t already in Junhee, Saebyeok, and Sangwoo’s trio direction.
Words weren’t enough to describe how all eyes widened in front of Sangwoo half-laugh, who had barely said anything today. He raised her head, a little smirking.
“What? Sorry but seeing this boy shocked and all in front of a no-longer-here rain is funny. Am I allowed to laugh at jokes or what?”
__________________
The rest of the day went soft.
Everyone in their own world, ordering something when the desire showed up, talking when they wanted to, and staying in a soothing silence when they needed to.
Geumja had almost finished her book, Gihun was in his thoughts where nobody actually knew what was going on, and Jungbae was sleeping on his friend’s shoulder without a single hint of shame. Sangwoo was looking at his phone accompanied by Saebyeok, set above him, the two searching for jobs who would coincide with Sangwoo’s diploma.
Ali was listening to music, head against the window, half-asleep, while Junhee and Daeho were still talking, each one on one side of the table.
“You sure you’re okay?” asked Junhee, “Has it started to dry now?”
“Yeah and yes.” answered Daeho in a sight, still rubbing the towel against his shirt. “This old man actually made up with this.”
“Next week is mine, and you know if you wanna see Saeho there is absolutely no chance if you caught a cold.” reprimanded the girl while taking a sip of her ordered hot chocolate that had arrived a little while ago.
“Fine, since I didn’t!” grumbled the young man.
“Go to the doctor and we’ll talk.” decided simply Junhee while putting down her cup and taking her phone out of her pocket.
“She’s not a baby anymore you know?” grumbled her friend. “Even if I had one, she started school one month ago. She'll catch things, you sure understand that?” he said, looking down on his own empty cup and using a teaspoon to draw little forms with what remained of the substance.
Daeho looked up, the girl looking at her phone’s screen.
“Can I have some?” Daeho suddenly said, pointing at the cup Junhee was holding a few seconds ago, “I finished my coffee.”
“Not if you have a cold.” answered the one concerned, not even deigning to look at him, and not caring in the slightest about what the boy had just said on her daughter.
“I haven’t!”
“Hum, go to the doctor and we’ll talk.”
______________
Gihun was, once again, lost in thoughts.
The weight of Jungbae’s body on his shoulder was starting to hurt, but Gihun was too kind to wake him up.
Instead, he was looking at passers-by through the window.
Gihun was taking a lot of pleasure in observing people those days. Back then, even in the games – at the really really start of the games – there were always a lot of profiles.
No one was looking the same as the other – at the beginning as said, around the end there was always someone who was a big and strong muscular person, or just big at all – and when Gihun had realized everyone on earth had a different face, body, smile, gait, shape and posture, he had the urge to swallow them all ; to remember any faces who were passing ahead of his eyes.
If they were living in his mind, they would never be forgotten.
Consequently, Gihun had become that weirdo watching you in quietness every time he could, even if you didn’t know him.
For example, today, it was people walking in the street who were interesting him.
How they were making their ways nobody knew where, slowing down when their phones were beeping in their coats, rubbing their hands against each other when it was so cold every exhalation was creating a small smoke’s cloud.
Why would her umbrella be green? was wondering Gihun, when a young dark ginger woman, in a rush, was nearly running, her red heels clicking on the cobblestone ground, holding in her right hand a khaki umbrella, and in her left a phone against her ear.
She was talking about work and things late to do before a precise date, Gihun could hear her through the window.
She left as quickly as she came.
Isn’t he cold? Gihun changed the subject when, after the woman, a little blond boy, who must have been in primary school, was walking with nothing but a light oversize blue shirt, stylized by some rock slags from the new one band that had just been created in town a little while ago.
Besides, he looked like he was feeling cold and lost.
Before Gihun would actually get up, going out from the cafe and giving him his jacket, a middle-aged woman, long straight platinum hair swinging on her back, came and took his hand, while muttering about ‘I told you to wait for me’ stuff.
Gihun hadn’t had the time to move. Good thing, Jungbae was still sleeping on him, poor asshole. Unfortunately, this asshole was one of his dearest friends for whom he would give his world.
Suddenly a new duo entered in the now empty street, holding black umbrellas ahead of their heads.
The two men were walking next to each other, their elbows almost touching, as if they didn’t want to be too far away from the other. The tallest, who wasn’t by more than a few centimeters, was at the left of the the shortest, so much that he was hiding the sight to Gihun.
Though, it was visible that they were both wearing black coats, very long for the shortest, in a normal length for the tallest, the first having ebony pants below while the second was clothed in casual dark blue jeans.
They stopped in front of the bookstore, only their backs showing to Gihun.
“Rah, it’s closed,” whined the tallest, approaching his head against the black shop window.
He sighed.
“I was sure it was opened, I swear! I verified just this morning you saw me!” he said, tapping his foot in frustration.
He turned around of disappointment, showing in the same time his face to Gihun ;
And yet, actually, Gihun hadn’t had to describe it like he did for the others, his face, since he’d already seen it, a very long time ago. Very short black hair, bangs straightening on his frown, features twisted in displeasement once more, as the first time Gihun met him.
Here was Hwang Junho, the policeman who had saved Gihun and the players from the island years ago, and that he hadn't seen since that day. And, frankly speaking, he hadn’t changed at all.
It was so weird to see him there, outside, living his life.
But he was surely moving forward too, that was the most important.
“Ha!” suddenly announced Junho, triumphally, after glancing once again at the empty store, “I knew it, it’s just that they don’t have an employee yet and besides, it’ll close soon, so nobody seems to wanna work here..”
He made a movement with his arm, suggesting he was putting his index on some informative paper pressed against the window.
“Look, it’s all here. I’m sorry, we’ll have to look for another one.”
Junho let out another sigh, turning in order to face the other person who still hadn’t said a word.
“There are several other libraries like this one, we’ll find a good one, don’t worry.”
The shortest man finally moved, his chest more turned towards the other’s. He started speaking, a discreet smile heardable in his tone.
“It’s okay, really. I--...”
Gihun’s mind went blank.
Exactly when it should not.
Exactly when it was vital to listen to the next words the man was going to say, in order to check, to be sure, to convince himself it was nothing but a bad dream.
That there was a totally casual reason why Gihun’s hair stood on end.
That there was a totally casual reason why some goosebumps were currently travelling across Gihun’s neck, going all over his spine, all over his body.
That there was a totally casual reason why it seemed like he would hear this same voice, again, tonight, in his dreams.
Or his nightmares.
It was at this moment Jungbae decided to wake up, and, as usual, yawning and stretching way louder than necessary. He gave two small taps on Gihun’s back, watching him, eyes still wet from sleep.
“Ahh, Gihun you’re such a good friend, always here for your poor sleepy and exhausted elder, what would I do without you?” he said while rubbing his eyes.
Junhee looked up from her phone, glancing to the two friends, asking :
“Isn’t Gihun like, older, by two months?”
The ‘group’s elder’, as he would say, waved his hand in disbelief, grinning slightly.
“Rahhh, nobody cares about that! It’s all in the head!”
He caught a hold of Gihun’s shoulders, wrapping him against himself.
“Right, Gihun? All those end of year months are the same, September, October, November, December…who cares really?” Jungbae laughed.
Junhee throwed a quick peek to Jungbae, blinking her eyes in a silent demand when she saw Gihun’s body slowly tensed.
“Jungbae!” she whispered, as if Gihun who was beside her interlocutor wouldn’t hear her, “You know he’s no longer..”
Jungbae’s face widened before letting go of Gihun, and looking at his friend.
“Hey, sorry, old habits dude, I know you’r--...” tried, while rubbing his hand against his own hair, Jungbae, uncomfortably.
“I don’t care.”
“What?”
“I don’t give a fuck.” Gihun cutted dryly.
Sangwoo and Saebyeok who were whispering on their own suddenly raised their heads, alerting Ali who put off his headphones and Geumja to look up from her book. Daeho was already watching, alternating his sight between Jungbae and Gihun, hesitantly.
“Gihun, is everything oka--...” Junhee tried, reluctantly, once more.
“Could you guys shut up one second?” whispered in a rut the man, his voice trembling and harsh.
Everyone did so.
Everyone looked at Gihun, not daring returning to their current task, not daring letting go.
How was it possible to still have that soft hum, coming from all the cafe’s tables, when theirs was so silent? Was it casual to hear every noise, every small crockery’s sound of one spoon tapping against white porcelain saucers, of one chair scraping on the wood ground, shrill squeaking for ears? It was way too loud, and way too quiet, friends’ breathing the only continuous thing keeping them to ask……something?
Anything?
Everyone looked at Gihun, who wasn’t looking at them.
Anything about Gihun’s respiration, hoarse and irregular, eyes twitching between different points. Sight carried by those same widened eyes, eyeballs red on the corner, dryness going under the pupils of the ones who hadn’t cried for a while. Indeed, Gihun only cried at night, during his sleep, nightmares facing him with the reality of what was.
What he would never forget.
But who would know.
Everyone looked at the window Gihun was currently looking at.
The rain had slowly resumed, way less strong, way less tempestuous ; way more as nostalgia. Slow and soothing nostalgia going back and forth, still, more back than forth. Building invisible strings, hooking strangers, friends…lovers, back in time, when all was different.
The weather was indulgent, as if it knew the street was already too wet, that Gihun’s eyes might, soon, too.
Everyone looked at the two men, still in front of the bookstore, the tallest talking and pacing around the shortest.
It seemed as if Junho was currently cheering the other to take out his umbrella, small drops already falling on the shortest’s perfectly made-up hair. He brought out his, waiting expectantly to his friend, as he seemed like, to do so.
Oddly, he didn’t.
Everyone looked at the other man accompanying Junho, who was currently looking at the cafe’s shop window, but not really at them either.
He was standing still, allowing the rain to take over him, some of his brown hair strands slightly beginning to go down on his forehead. He didn’t do a single move in order to change that. He stayed as he was, his eyes twitching between different points on the window, located some meters above him, on the other side of the street.
Everyone looked at this man, his sight set on no one but Gihun, eyes widening in dread, and, at the same time, so much more.
The moment the entire table looked at him, at the real him, for an instant, none of them were spared, all swallowed by a cold shower of rain all over their spine.
Everyone looked at Youngil's perfect double.
The time went still, exactly the same way as Youngil’s doppelganger did.
But Gihun, him, looked at Hwang Inho.
And he knew Hwang Inho was looking at him, too.