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Monster Mash

“How dare you?!” the tall brunette practically shouted.

“How dare I? How dare you?” their opponent repeated, sounding even more upset, “You take what you said back!”

Kelso shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest as if to show her seriousness, “Nu’ah. You take what you said back first.”

“You take it back!”

“You take it back!”

“Take it back, you sonofabitch!” Fez said in a tone that was beyond threatening, while looking just about ready to pounce from his spot and onto his friend in a very violent manner.

Both grown men were glaring, such intense and angry glares at the other that if they were in a western movie there would be a tumbleweed blowing by in the background and that stare down music would be playing. However, they weren’t in a western movie, they were in the Forman basement in the middle of an argument that had been so heated they never noticed the four people standing at the bottom of the wooden staircase, watching their little show.

“Hey Oscar, Felix.” Hyde greeted, finally getting the squabbling pair to acknowledge his and their other friends’ presence, “Cool it or take it somewhere else.”

“Yeah guys,” Eric spoke up following Hyde in stepping further into the room, “I mean, I’m pretty sure this basement is big enough for fans of both The Addams Family and The Munsters.” He joked with a laugh but when he caught the serious expressions on both Kelso and Fez’s face his own smile faded.

“No!” the two shouted over the other, giving Eric his answer before he could even phrase his next question.

“Wait a minute…seriously? That’s what you guys were fighting over?”Eric scowled at the still fuming twosome.

“You’re actually surprised?” Donna asked, sounding almost surprised herself.

“Yeah, Eric, this is Michael and Fez.” Jackie added in her two cents as she descended down the last two steps, “Yesterday they fought for over an hour about who was better, Secret Squirrel or Hong Kong Phooey.”

Eric’s brows furrowed closer together at the information of the previous dual, along with the fact that he wasn’t there for that one. He would have made some god points to help the number one super guy.

Shaking his head slightly, he brought himself back to the current situation, “Wait how did an argument like this even start?” he questioned a little worried about the answer would turn out to be.

“This!” Fez declared thrusting this week’s TV Guide into Eric’s hand—never moving his eyes away from his and Kelso’s stare down, “The Monster Mash Marathon.”

Kelso nodded before going into detail, “Channel 8 is having a Addam’s Family marathon and channel 10 is having a lame Munster’s marathon that this foreigner wants to watch.”

“And this sonofabitch wants to watch The Addams Family marathon!” Fez shouted out, still appearing quite hostile towards his usually best friend.

“Uh yeah!” the tall man scoffed, “Cuz The Addams Family is awesome!”

Fez frowned, “Are not.”

“Are too.” Kelso argued.

“Are not!”

“Are too!”

“Are not!” the dark skinned man declared with a stomp of his foot.

“Are toooo!” Kelso responded, dragging out the ‘too’ for as long as he could.

“Man you guys are morons.” Hyde commented from his regular lounging spot in his white plastic chair, “Arguing over something so stupid like who’s better The Addams Family or The Munsters?”

Eric nodded along with his old friend as he sat himself down on the faded yellow sofa, “Yeah guys, there’s not even a real argument in it. I mean the clear choice is…”

“The Munsters.”

“The Addams Family.’

The two voices said at the same time, however neither of the voices belonged to Kelso or Fez. Instead it appeared that another pair of friends had been ripped apart thanks to The Munsters vs. The Addams debate. Eric looked shocked at the man he once considered his brother—finding out that he choose The Addams Family over The Munsters made him realize he needed to do some rethinking.

Hyde was also surprised to hear his best friend’s reply, however thanks to his Zen and his shades he could hide his shock a lot better than Forman. He stared at Eric and raised his chin up a tad, “What did you say?”

“What did you say?” Eric repeated the question, being sure that his chin was pointed even higher in the air.

“I said The Addams Family.” Hyde answered keeping his Zen, arms crossed over his chest and all.

“Oh.” Eric said, his face falling for a split second, “Well I said The Munsters.”

Hyde continued to frown, “Forman, man, how can you say that?”

“Well um like this…” Eric paused before restating his words from before, “The Munsters. Now I think the real question Hyde is, how can you say that?”

“Easy, cuz The Addams Family was badass.” The curly haired man stated plain and simple.

Eric did obviously not agree with his statement and argued back, “No way! The Addams wish they were The Munsters. That’s how badass The Munsters were.”

“Come on, Forman.,” Hyde said, obviously not impressed with this point, “That’s like saying I wish I was Kelso.’

“Yeah!” Kelso cheered excitedly until he realized what was actually being said and his grin faded into a more puzzled kind of look, “Wait a minute…”

But there was no hold put on the debate and it continued on, even getting a few more participants.

“I’m with Steven.” Jackie shared as she stepped over to Hyde and stood behind him, placing a hand on each of his shoulders. “The Addams Family was way more badass than the lame Munsters.”

Eric looked at the brunette with a blank look on his face. He wasn’t a fan of her joining the conversation and her joining Hyde’s side did nothing to help; plus the use of the word ‘badass’ seemed to make it worse.

“Yeah,” he began, “Please do not use that word again. Like ever.”

Jackie snarled lightly in Eric’s direction but just before she could say anything Kelso jumped back into the conversation, his excitement from before now back and growing.

“Yes! That means three for The Addams Family and only two for the loser Munsters, haha!” he cheered, thinking the number of people they had on his side would help them win the overall argument, “Jugs-a-poppin’, what about you?”

“Well despite you using my favorite nickname,” she said sarcastically, holding back the urge to roll her eyes when at the smug look on Kelso’s face, “I’m gonna give my vote to The Munsters.”

“Yes!” Fez happily exclaimed as Donna walked over and took a seat beside Eric on the couch, “Now we are in the lead!”

Donna frowned, “Um, Fez, we’re actually tied now.”

“Oh.” The foreigner’s smile fell but quickly stretched out once again, “Well we may not be in the lead but we are still the Three Munsterteers!” He stated with lots of enthusiasm, extending his arm in front of himself and his fellow Munster fans, “All for one…”

In good humor and because they did want to win the argument, the couple put their own hands over Fez’s as they finished his line, “And one for all!”

Instantly after hearing this Fez dropped his arms and scowled at the two, “That is the Three Musketeers, we are the three Munsterteers.”

Donna and Eric were both confused about what they were supposed to have said but before they could ask Kelso jumped in with another interruption.

“Oh yeah? Oh yeah?’ he repeated as if he were making a sort of challenge, “Well we’re the…um…uh…” he struggled for a good group name until he looked between the three of them and tried to see if that helped any. And it did. “I got it! We’re the Three Pretty People!”

Liking that name, Jackie straightened herself up and flashed a bright smile which caused Kelso to do the same thing. Hyde however remained in his seat, not looking very happy at all. Kelso noticed this as did Jackie but unlike Jackie, Kelso continued to push.

“Hyde, man come on, you gotta smile. You’re part of the Pretty People group! You’re a pretty people…well sorta.”

“Kelso, man, keep calling me pretty and I’ll cross over to The Munsters side.” Hyde threatened in a serious tone of voice.

This caused Kelso to swiftly back off, literally too as he stepped a few steps away from Hyde.

“Look guys, The Munsters were the American family well they were monsters but they at least tried to be normal and fit in.” Eric began to point out, “The Addams Family on the other hand were…they were just mysterious and spooky…and well all together ooky.”

“The Addams Family.” The three members of the Pretty People group sung in the familiar tone and then snapped their fingers twice; starling Eric some as he realized he had just been saying part of the theme song to the black and white sitcom.

Noting that his words no longer made the great point he thought they were Eric’s face dropped, “Oh.”

Meanwhile the opposing team remained in high spirits.

“Ha! Our show had a better theme song!” exclaimed s chipper Jackie.

“Ten points for us!” Kelso shouted louder than he had to.

Fez glared at him and then reminded “We are not keeping score, no points for you!”

“Oh right.” he nodded, smile fading only a bit, “but if we were we’d have ten points and you guys would have none cuz The Muntsers didn’t have a theme song!”

“The Muntsers had a theme song, Kelso.” Donna said quite confidently before turning to Fez and Eric and asking in a not so confident tone, “Right?”

The two young men looked at each other, exchanging puzzled looks before shrugging their shoulders. If The Munsters did have a theme song it was apparently not as memorable or as catchy as The Addams Family opening song.

Hyde smirked to himself, he knew this debate would be easy, ‘Face it, these shows were both about monsters man, and monsters are supposed to be scary. The Munsters were never scary. Their show was a show with monsters that little kids to watch without getting scared.” He paused and looked over at his adopted brother, “Which is probably why you liked it.”

“Burn!” Kelso couldn’t resist shouting.

“Hey I resent that! I was never scared of The Addams Family.” Eric spoke up with a raised index finger, “And The Munsters could be scary, maybe not nightmare scary but sometimes a creepy scene would stick in your head for hours.”

“Forman man, nothing was scary about The Munsters.” Hyde stated, “Not even their name was scary. All they did was take the ‘o’ out of ‘monster’ and replaced it with a ‘u.’”

“Oh yeah!” Fez said in awe as he learned this new piece of trivia.

At first his friends stared at him for several seconds, not quite believing that he was just finding this out; but then again this was Fez. Once they had each reached that conclusion they continued with their disagreement, this time it was Donna making the opening statement.

“The Munsters had Lily and Herman and they’re the better couple when compared to Morticia and Gomez.” She said firmly to which her best friend soon scoffed at.

“Of course you would think that, Donna.” Jackie spoke in a tone she used when explaining something that was obvious to herself and therefore should be to everyone else as well, “Yours and Eric’s relationship is just like Lily and Herman’s.”

“What?” more than one confused voice asked.

The petite young woman nodded, “Yeah, the had the boring G-rated marriage. And Lily the female half of the couple is the one with the brains and she’s in love with a guys who’s a clumsy man child who always messes things up. He’s just like Eric only Eric’s lankier.”

“Hey!” Eric exclaimed.

Donna scowled, “Jackie, Eric and I are nothing like Lily and Herman.”

“Yeah, babe, I gotta agree with Donna.” Hyde started to say, surprising Jackie until he let his smirk reappear as he added, “They sound more like what Donna and Kelso would be like if they were a couple.”

The mere thought alone seemed to upset and disgust both parties, however each had their own unique reasoning.

“Don’t out me with those people!” Kelso said making sure to have his words sound as spiteful as possible.

“Whatever.” Came Jackie’s reply, “Gomez and Morticia are still the better couple. They were the ones who were filled with passion for each other. Gomez kissed Morticia’s arm every time she said one French word!”

“Jackie!” Kelso exclaimed and dropped to his knee, grabbing her hand as he did so, “You said French!”

Kelso then began to kiss Jackie’s hand and traveled upwards in full Gomez Addams mode. A look of disgust appeared on Jackie’s face as she screeched and tried to pull away. Kelso hadn’t gotten higher than an inch from her wrist when he felt a fist collide with his upper arm.

“Ow!” he cried in pain, releasing Jackie and holding onto his injury, “I was just giving a demonstration, God!”

“They’ve seen the show, you moron.” Hyde growled, sitting back down in his chair and pulling Jackie protectively onto his lap.

Kelso stood up from the ground, “They might’ve forgotten, Hyde!”

“The Munsters had Eddie.” Eric randomly threw in, bringing the topic back to to the argument of the two monster sitcom families, “And he was a cuter kid that that creepy Pugsley and Wednesday. And while we’re at it, what kind of names are Pugsley and Wednesday? Honestly, I’m not sure which one is worse.’

“Yeah, Eddie was a cute kid. Who still played with dolls.” Hyde stepped into the round. “Which is probably another reason you liked The Munsters, Forman.”

“Burn!” Kelso waited no time in shouting; and then shrieked with a sudden thought, he raised both hands in the air in triumph as he shared, “The Addams Family had Cousin Itt!”

“Oo a giant hairball. So very scary.” Fez mocked while waving fake hands of terror.

“Hey, he was scarier than the pets The Munsters had.’

“The Munsters had scary pets.” Fez protested, “There was the cat who was part lion. And Igor the very scary bat.”

“They had the raven too.” Donna pointed out.

Remembering a forgotten pet, Eric joined in, “And Spot the dragon.”

“Seriously? You all thought those were scary?” Hyde asked scowling slightly as Jackie stood up, “The Addams Family had an Octopus and a real lion.”

“Oo and a man eating plant!” Kelso eagerly added in.

“Plus the piranhas, Tristan and Isolde.” Jackie threw in two more pets while moving suspiciously close to the opposing team, “And Wednesday’s spider.”

At the word ‘spider’ Eric felt a tickling feeling on his neck and quickly moved his hand up to his area and began swatting away. But there was no spider and all he saw was giggling Jackie as she moved her hand away from his shirt collar. Not finding the joke at all funny or clever, Eric glared at her the whole time she spent walking back to her seat on her boyfriends lap.

“The Munsters had Grandpa Munster!” Fez shared out loud as soon as the thought entered his mind.

“Yeah,” snorted the pretty-man, who crossed his arms over his chest, unamused, “Who was a complete rip off of Uncle Fester!”

Eric shook his head, “No way Kelso, Grandpa Munster was a character all on his own, it was Uncle Fester who copied him and wasn’t even successful at that. He ended up just being the creepy bald guy who lived in the basement.” He paused and a smile began to play on his lips, “You know, like Hyde’ll be in a couple of years.”

No one seemed to react to his comment and I caused Eric to frown before looking at the group members, trying to figure out what happened and how it went wrong.

“Kelso, what happened? No ‘Burn!’?” He asked trying his best to sound like Kelso with that last word.

Instead of repeating the statement, Kelso scrunched his face up and shook his head which only puzzled Eric even more.

“Yes, Eric,” Fez said patting his knee, “That was not your best work.”

Ignoring the hurt looking expression written on her boyfriend’s face , Donna continued to try to win the case, “But at least Grandpa Muntser could be seen as the fun zany grandpa. Uncle Fester was the creepy weird and dangerous guy who I’m wondering now if he was even a real uncle.”

“Ah!” Kelso shouted, jaw opened wide.

Brown eyes filled with worry, “Aye not.”

“Foul!” Kelso continued to shout, obviously upset by the previous statement said by the redhead, “That’s a foul!”

“Yes, Donna, you did hit below the neck.” Fez agreed confusing everyone in the room—except the angry Kelso.

“She didn’t even touch him.” Eric tried to reason, not clearing anything up for anyone.

Jackie shook her head, getting rid of her baffled thoughts and focusing on Eric and Donna, “You should just admit it.” she started to say, “The Addams Family were the rich high class monster family while The Munsters were the poor redneck relatives.”

“The Munsters weren’t poor rednecks.” Donna fought back.

“Donna, please, if they weren’t then they would have been able to afford to get some hair dye and color in that huge ugly streak in Lily’s hair.”

That was the last statement that was able to be heard clearly before all six young adults spoke over each other with points they had, determined to win this debate that had become quite heated. Sounds of chaos filled the underground room for almost a good five minutes until one of the individuals stood up on the old sofa and extended his hands towards the sky.

“I got it!’ Kelso cried out and five pairs of eyes looked up at him; he took a deep breath before making the argument he was sure would help him and his team members win the debate, “The Addams Family…came out on Scooby Doo.”

Eric and Donna and even Jackie and Hyde were frowning as they watched their kettlehead friend. However, Fez was nodding his head in a defeated manner.

“That is true.” he admitted , “You win. The Addams Family is better than The Munsters. Good game, we can watch them.” Fez agreed.

“Yes!” Kelso applauded and lunged off the couch and over to the old TV set to change the channel, ignoring all the perplexed looks he was getting from his friends.

“Wait a minute, Fez.” Eric began, “That’s it? It’s over?”

“Yes. It was a good game, Hyde, Jackie, and Kelso.”

“Yeah, same to you, man.” Hyde said with a smile before he and Jackie turned their attention to the television.

Donna looked at Fez, “But Fez, we still could have won.”

“Oh Donna, Donna, Donna.” Fez said moving his head from left to right, “Playing the Scooby Doo card is like having the fat lady dance.”

“You mean sing?” asked Eric.

“Yes, that too.” he answered and then looked ahead at the TV screen.

Eventually Eric and Donna did give in and joined their friends in viewing The Addams Family marathon; They were both still a little upset about the them losing but it didn’t matter since they knew who the better monster family really was.

The End