Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

       Ivan hated going back to the city he grew up in. He hated the way it smells, the way the people there looked at him, the constant ringing of gunshots that no one ever bothered to look into. He hated the way there were constantly needles on the ground, along with the people who used them. It wasn’t uncommon to find someone had died on the side of the road from a drug overdose. He hated the way the children walked to school, huddled in groups of four or more, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible to avoid being mugged. He hated everything about it, but he especially hated the place he was going back to now. 

       His mother had called. The woman who birthed him. He couldn’t give her so much credit as to say she raised him, since he spent most of his childhood fearing that one morning he would wake up, and she would have met the fate of one of the many addicts he found dead on the streets. She had called him, for the first time since he left, to let him know that his father had died. 

       As much as Ivan resented his mother, he hated his father. He was a piece of shit who was well known and feared for the heinous crimes he had gotten away with. He was best known for selling drugs to children and taking advantage of women. Ivan didn’t know for sure, but he always suspected his mother might have been one of them, even though his parents married and lived together seemingly by her choice. Growing up, Ivan’s mother had always been far too sympathetic for his father. She turned her head when he beat Ivan senseless, ignored it when Ivan begged her to leave him and take him with. Ivan never understood what she saw in him, but as he got older he realized that she was fully dependent on him. Not for money, she had an okay enough job to afford rent, but because he was where she got every substance she took. Leaving him meant finding someone else to buy from, and she knew that if she did leave, he would bar every other dealer from selling to her. 

       In no way was Ivan going back for his father. He didn’t care that his father died a violent and early death, murdered by a rival dealer. He was going back for his mother, who despite having given him nothing but his genetics, was still his mother, and he still cared for her. This was a woman who let him starve for days on end, who let his father break his bones, yet Ivan couldn’t help but have a strong sense of empathy for her. Her life hadn’t been easy. She knew a childhood no different than his own, so how could he expect her to live a life she didn’t even know she could achieve? 

       He was going back home to bring her some comfort, and then he would leave, and never look back again. Ivan had worked his ass off to emancipate himself the second he turned sixteen. He worked two jobs until he could afford to move to a slightly nicer town that was still cheap enough for him to afford a place to live. He graduated high school, a very rare feat where he was from, and he got an academic scholarship to a good college. He built the life he was living from the ground up, and in no way was he going to let his father’s death change that. He was just going to be in town for one day. That day. The funeral. He would hold his mother in his arms as she cried, and then he would return to his life as a college student and never breathe a word of this having happened to anyone. 

       None of Ivan’s few friends knew his past. He skirted around questions until they realized they should stop asking. He didn’t have any close friends anyways. He had a hard time connecting with people, knowing that relying on another person for anything, anything, was not a sustainable way to live. He had to provide everything for himself, because trust wasn’t a good enough reason to give another person control over him like that. 

       Ivan’s mother lived in the same apartment that he had grown up in. It was dirty, had room for one bed, one tiny table that fit two chairs, and a “kitchen” that was really just a microwave, mini fridge and sink. The bathroom had a toilet, and no shower. Other kids made fun of Ivan for the longest time for smelling bad until he realized he could sneak into the locker rooms at school and shower there when he needed to. 

       Stepping into the apartment then, Ivan felt disgusted. This was the way he lived for sixteen years. The way his mother was still living. He found her, lying on the bed, mattress sagging so low it brushed the floor. 

       “Mom.” Ivan nodded to her, and she looked towards him, a small smile playing on her lips. 

       “Ivan. My boy.” She slowly sat up, and Ivan noticed the way her yellowish skin sagged, how her eyes were bloodshot, hands uncontrollably shaking. This is not how he remembered her, but again, he was still a child when he left, so he didn’t know if he could actually trust what he remembered of her. 

       “You are one handsome young man, I’ll give you that. You look just like your-“

       Ivan held a hand up, stopping her. 

       “No. Don’t tell me that.” He heard it all the time when he came home. His black hair, angular face, sharp eyes, and build were all in his father’s image. The one time he saw a picture of his father as a young adult, he looked like a warped, evil version of himself. He was the mirror image of the man who he wanted to forget. 

       His mother stood up, and took Ivan’s much larger hands in her own. 

       “You came. I know you’re a busy man now.” 

       He nodded stiffly, “I’m only staying for the afternoon. I’ll be gone by the time it’s dark.” 

       She nodded back, “I understand. The funeral is in an hour. Would you like some water until then?”

       Ivan was about to agree when he remembered the water around here was generally not deemed safe to drink. He was sure his mother was offering him a dirty glass of tap water. 

       “No. I’m okay. I just came to let you know I’m here. I’m going to head to the funeral parlor, make sure everything is in order.” Ivan had no intention of making sure everything was in order. He just wanted to see his father’s face one last time before he was buried and gone forever. He had something he wanted to tell him. 

       There was technically public transit, but the walk was only half an hour, so Ivan opted for that. It would be nice to get some steps in, since lately all he’d been doing was studying for school. As much as Ivan enjoyed classic literature, finding meaning in every single word felt redundant, considering there’s no way the original author was trying to convey all that. So Ivan tried his best to think about schoolwork as he walked, and not the dirty looks he was getting from any passersby. He knew why he was getting the looks, too. Not because they knew who he was, but because of what he looked like. He was clearly well fed, his clothing fit and looked nice and new. His shoes were white and clean, and the phone sticking out of his pocket wasn’t a very new model, but it was from an expensive brand. He didn’t look like he belonged. In fact, Ivan remembers giving the same dirty looks to people who looked richer than him all the time as a kid. It was common practice, because the general consensus was that anyone who looked as if they could afford new clothing, was clearly soft and never faced a struggle over the course of their entire life. Obviously, Ivan discovered this wasn’t true the second he moved to the town he went to high school in. The people there weren’t going to sleep on an empty stomach, but he learned there were problems that didn’t have to do with money, or even drugs and violence. And he also knew then that it was unfair to judge someone based on appearances alone. So the dirty looks didn’t bother him. He just walked down to the funeral parlour with a small smile on his face, something rare to see around there as well. 

       Ivan arrived at the parlour and was instantly recognized by the one person who was there. He must have been the owner, since every question Ivan asked, the man answered with ease. Finally, Ivan worked up the courage to ask to see his father’s body. The man agreed, bringing Ivan to the back, where the body was getting ready for transit to the cemetery. The funeral was going to be nothing but burying the body. There was not going to be a service, or flowers, or anyone but him, his mother, and his father’s creepy friends. So the coffin was plain. A wooden box, not even stained a nice colour. The inside was unlined, and when the man lifted the cover for Ivan to see, he was mildly disgusted. Nobody cared for his father’s body to be preserved until burial, so the face was swollen beyond recognition, waxy skin lined with dark veins, almost like a spiderweb. It was gross, and Ivan would not have guessed this man had ever been his father by just looking. The only thing that indicated it was him was the glossy black hair. Ivan stared for a few moments before saying quietly:

       “I don’t forgive you, even in death. I thought that looking at you, dead and defeated would make me feel sorry for you, but it doesn’t. I wanted to be a better person, but I guess I’m not.” Ivan had wanted to forgive his father, believing it would get rid of the weight he carried around with him always, but he couldn’t do it. If he couldn’t do it, maybe the weight wasn’t from his father anyways.  

       The funeral quickly followed Ivan’s audience with his father’s corpse, and lasted about an hour. No one cried, no one gave their condolences, no one said a word. It was quiet as the coffin was lowered into the hole that had been dug. Ivan didn’t wait for them to cover it up. He took his mom’s hand and they went back to her apartment. Ivan ordered dinner for them, and they sat at the small table. Ivan hated the way he had to sit in his father’s seat. They ate in silence, and Ivan wrinkled his nose at the smell of cigarette smoke as his mom lit up what had to be her tenth since he got there. His mother was a chain smoker. She spent more money on cigarettes than she did on food. If she had the choice between a pack of king sized belmonts or a meal, she’d choose the belmonts in a heartbeat. When their dinner was done, Ivan pulled out a debit card. He slid it across the table to his mother.

       “This is for food or rent. No drugs, no alcohol. I will see it if that’s what you spend it on, and I’ll cancel the card.” 

       She nodded and then slipped it into her pocket, nodding again as Ivan stood up. 

       “Call me if you need anything again.” He said, brushing himself off and going for the door. 

       Ivan was about to leave when his mom walked to him, and placed a hand on one of his broad shoulders. 

       “Will you visit me sometime?” She asked, “come back home more often?”

       “This isn’t my home.” Ivan turned to look at her, “but… maybe I’ll come visit.”

       She nodded, “okay.” 

       Ivan left, and didn’t look back. He didn’t even get a thank you for the card. He thought she might have thanked him. It wasn’t that he needed the praise, or thanks, but he wanted to see that his mother knew that he, in spite of everything, would still take care of her. Not because she deserved it, but because she was his mother, and that meant at least something to him. He wasn’t sure that the fact he was her son meant anything to her at all. 

       Ivan had to take the train in order to get back to his dorm on campus, but he felt weirdly adverse to the idea of going back right away. It was already dark outside. He had only arrived a few hours ago with the intention of being at the funeral and then leaving. He even told his mother he would be gone by the time it was dark. Well, it was dark then, and he was still there. He didn’t know why. So instead of just standing outside his mom’s building like a creep, Ivan decided to walk around the city. Just to look around. He hadn’t been there since he was a teenager. Maybe some things had changed. 

       Of course, as Ivan walked around, he realized nothing had really changed at all. He wasn’t worried about being mugged, since he was in good shape and had a strong build. He joined football in high school after he emancipated himself, and since then he’d felt the need to stay physically active and fit. It helped to get his mind off of things, and it was something healthy to direct his anger towards. 

       The night air was cool, the few working streetlights illuminating the streets. Ivan stuck to main roads at first, because those were what he knew best, but eventually he got bored, and wanted to see something other than the outside of run-down shops and cars zooming by him. So Ivan went to the side streets, where it was significantly darker, and a lot scarier for someone who might be unfamiliar with the area. Ivan wasn’t unfamiliar, though. He was painfully familiar in a way he wished he could forget. He was just about to turn around and start heading to a bus stop that’ll take him to the train station when he heard the sound of guttural moaning coming from an alleyway only a couple metres in front of where Ivan was standing. 

       “Oh, yeah.” The voice of an older man rang out, “oh you’re a real slut, aren’t you?” And he kept moaning. 

       Ivan grimaced and kept walking, turning his head the other way when he passed the alley, not wanting any part of whatever was going on there. That is, until he heard the man moan again, and louder, followed by a loud crash, and then a high-pitched cry of pain. 

       “What the fuck was that?” The man shouted. “No. What the actual fuck was that?” 

       A second voice, one of someone much younger, started profusely apologizing. 

       “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, it won’t happen again. I’m sorry.” His voice had the trace of a whimper. For some reason, Ivan thought he recognized it. 

       “We’re starting again, and you better not fucking choke this time.” The man yelled. His shout was accompanied by another loud noise and another cry of pain. 

       That was enough for Ivan to turn around and run straight into the alleyway, looking for whatever was happening. It was hard to see, but Ivan could make out the dark outline of a man, holding another, much smaller guy, against the brick wall by the throat. 

       “Hey!” Ivan called, and the bigger man’s head whipped around to see Ivan watching them, immediately dropping the other guy and making a run for it. He disappeared into the darkness before Ivan could even think of possibly pursuing him. 

       Instead of chasing after the man, Ivan went over to the guy he had dropped. As he got closer, Ivan wasn’t even so sure that the guy on the ground was an adult. He could hear a very high-pitched gasping sound coming from the boy’s throat as he desperately sucked in air. Ivan walked even closer, slowly, as one might approach a frightened animal. The closer he got, the more Ivan could make out. The guy was, in fact, an adult. Maybe a year younger than Ivan himself. He was small, and had a mop of silvery hair that fell over his eyes. The second Ivan saw him clearly, he took a sharp inhale. 

       “I- I know you.” Ivan said quietly, crouching down to be at eye-level with a person he never thought he’d lay eyes on again. 

       Till gave him a dirty look, “no the fuck you don’t.” He had his hand on his throat, his voice came out raspy, and in the very faint light, Ivan could make out a white liquid dripping from the corners of Till’s mouth. It wasn’t hard to figure out what had happened based on what he had heard. 

      Ivan was sure this was Till. The first boy he spoke to in high school after moving. What the fuck was he doing there? Doing that? 

       “I’m Ivan. From high school.” Ivan stood up, and offered a hand to Till, who reluctantly took it. They stood up and Ivan couldn’t help but feel like he was in a dream. Till. His Till, was here. In his home town, mouth-fucking an old man in an alleyway. 

       Till’s eyes narrowed, “oh. Yeah. I guess I know you.”

Chapter Text

       “Are you okay?” Ivan asked, inspecting Till in the dark for any injuries. Till was dressed in black washed-out jeans and a tight, cropped black t-shirt. His eyes had this hazy look, even narrowed, and his mouth still dripped with cum. 

       “No thanks to you.” Till bit out angrily. 

       “Hey.” Ivan defended himself, “that creep was hurting you.” 

       Till turned his back on Ivan, “and thanks to you, that creep ran away without paying.” 

       Ivan didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure whether he should argue back, or apologize. He still felt weird. Like this couldn’t be real. He had lost contact with Till right after graduating. Once he was out of high school, Till had stopped answering his messages and calls, and Ivan had given up on their friendship a little while after that. 

       “I’m sorry that the guy didn’t pay, but what was I supposed to do?” Ivan demanded, “let him strangle you?”

       Till turned his head back towards Ivan, a grin playing on his lips, “trust me, I’m used to being strangled.”

       This wasn’t Till. It couldn’t be Till. Till wasn’t like this. He would never do something like this. Ivan looked at Till closer and noticed the track marks on his arms, the slight stain on his teeth, and the out-of-it look in his eyes. 

       “What did you take tonight?” Ivan asked, “what drug?” 

       Till now turned his whole body back to face Ivan. He stalked closer, and jabbed his finger into Ivan’s chest.

       “That’s none of your fucking business.” 

       Ivan felt a surge of frustration towards Till. 

       “The fuck it isn’t.” He stared down right into Till’s eyes, “you’re high as fuck, and I want you to make it home tonight.” 

       A manic look spread across Till’s features, widening his eyes, plastering a gory smile over his face. 

       “You’re not my babysitter, and you’re not responsible for me. We haven’t spoken in years. I barely know you.” 

       Till walked past Ivan, out towards the street. 

       “Wait!” Ivan called to him, jogging to catch up. He put a hand on Till’s shoulder, and lifted it right back up when he felt Till flinch. Till stopped, but didn’t look at him. 

       “You said you barely know me. What if we got to know each other? There’s a diner not too far. Let me buy you a really late dinner.” 

       “No thanks.” Till started walking again, “now I need to make up the money you just lost me.” 

       Ivan watched Till’s back as he walked away. 

       “How much?” Ivan called in a last desperate attempt to get Till to stop. Ivan knew it was stupid, he could barely afford the cost of living for himself, and he just gave his mother money. Now he was offering someone else money that he didn’t really have. 

       It worked, though. Till stopped, and walked back over to him. 

       A new smile was playing on his lips now, the type that Ivan could tell was rehearsed to look sexy. And damn if it was. Till took small steps, making his way closer to Ivan, finally stopping mere inches from Ivan’s chest. He looked up at Ivan with these wide, fucked-out eyes, and chewed his bottom lip. Till raised a hand, running it over Ivan’s chest before he even had a chance to react. 

       “Woah!” Ivan took a large step back, his whole body feeling extremely hot and flushed. “I was talking about paying you back for that guy. Nothing else.” 

       Till took some more steps closer, reaching up to trail a finger across Ivan’s defined jawline, “are you sure? I can be such a good slut.” His voice was low and gravely, in an intentional way the same as his smile. 

       Ivan blinked repeatedly, flustered and completely dumbfounded. His jaw felt like it was on fire where Till had traced his finger, and he couldn’t bring himself to take a step back again.

      “N- no. I mean, yes!” Ivan shook his head, “I’ll pay you back for the guy. That’s it.” 

       Something like a mix of disappointment and frustration flickered across Till’s face before being quickly replaced with his sexy expression. Ivan knew this was because he would’ve been an easy second client for the night, and he just turned Till down. He assumed that didn’t happen often, Till being turned down. 

       “It was $50.” Till said in that voice that was driving Ivan crazy. 

       Ivan pulled out his wallet and withdrew a fifty dollar bill, handing it over to Till, who took it, and slowly put it into his back pocket.

       “For fifty more I’ll do to you what I was doing to him.” Till sank to his knees on the ground, looking up at Ivan and then straight to Ivan’s crotch. 

       “No- no.” Ivan said, trying to hide how turned on he was. 

       Till stuck out his lower lip, remaining on the ground, “but you like me, don’t you? You liked me back in high school.” 

       Ivan thought his face must be on fire with how hot it felt. He was sweating, trying to keep his breathing leveled. Till knew he liked him back in high school? Ivan never confessed to Till, never said anything. They had just been friends, and Ivan never suggested anything more. How could Till possibly know that Ivan spent his nights fantasizing about him, thinking about him. How almost everything he did in high school was with the intention of impressing Till. 

       “I-“ Ivan didn’t know what he could possibly say to that, so he settled on not saying anything, and changing the topic, “you’re high. Let me take you home.” 

       A sharp burst of laughter came from Till’s throat. 

       “I don’t have anywhere close to what I need to have before I get home.” 

       “Need to have what?” Ivan asked, already suspecting the answer. 

       “Money. I need to have at least $400 before I go home.” 

       Ivan balked. “Need?”

       Till rolled his eyes, standing up and brushing off his jeans, “yes, that’s what I said, isn’t it?”

       “What, are you setting a personal goal?” Ivan knew people from his childhood who did things like that often. He just couldn’t imagine Till being one of them. 

       “I’m not setting a fucking personal goal, and if I was, $400 is weak. If I go home with anything less than that, Urak will beat my ass, and my ass is usually sore already after a night out.” 

       Ivan was taken aback. Urak? Till’s foster dad? Till had far aged out of the foster care system, why was he still in contact with the guy? Ivan remembered Till telling him that the second he was eighteen, Urak would be ancient history. They had made plans for Till to leave Urak like Ivan left his parents. 

       “Urak?” Ivan finally managed to sputter, “you’re still living with that piece of shit?” 

       Till refused to tell Ivan much in high school, but he was constantly coming to class with new cuts and bruises every day. When Ivan wouldn’t stop asking, Till had admitted that Urak got angry with him sometimes. Ivan shared some of his experiences with his own dad, and they made plans for Till to leave Urak once he was old enough. It was clear then, that for whatever reason, after they lost contact, Till never put the plan to leave in action. 

       “You know what?” Till glared, “if you want to fuck me, fine, let’s do it. I won’t even charge you. But drop this bullshit ‘caring about me’ act you have going on. It’s pissing me off.” 

       This made Ivan feel gross. Like he was somehow taking advantage of Till in a vulnerable state. But it also made him angry, that Till thought so little of him, that he didn’t think he had the capacity to display basic human kindness.

       “It’s not an act.” Ivan said, “and it’s not bullshit. Just tell me what you’re on, or give me a way to help.” 

       “I don’t even know what the fuck I’m on.” Till spread his arms, “the guy you scared off gave me a pill he said would make me feel good.”

       “And you took it?” Ivan could hardly process how someone could be so fucking stupid. 

       Till shrugged, “he was gonna pay me $50 for a blowjob, so obviously I took it if that’s what he wanted. Free drugs are good drugs.”

       Ivan wanted to grab Till by the shoulders and shake him until the Till he knew from high school came loose and told him that this was all a sick joke. 

       “Would you please just come with me for a late dinner? I’m paying.”

       Till hesitated. He looked like he might even want to do it, but he shook his head. “I need to finish working. I’ll take a rain check on that though.” 

       Ivan lit up, “you’ll agree to go sometime else?”

       Till nodded, “and then afterwards, I’ll let you fuck my fucking brains out. I’ll take your cock and I’ll-“

       “No!” Ivan interrupted loudly, “no, Till. I’m not a client.” A wave of guilt washed over Ivan when he felt his own dick throb with desire. But he wouldn’t. Not while Till was so high and different then what he remembered.  He didn’t want to be like his father, who sought out drunk women who looked vulnerable to what he wanted. No. Never would he be like his father in that way. 

       Till didn’t look upset. He still had his practiced sexy face on. 

       “You don’t need to be a client for me to make you feel good.” He was reaching for Ivan’s chest again. Ivan pushed his hand away. 

       “What’s your phone number?” Ivan asked, pulling out his phone to create a new contact.

       “Oh, I don’t have a phone.” Till shrugged. 

       “What happened to your phone from high school?” Ivan wondered. 

       “Urak took it away.” Till shrugged again. 

       And suddenly Ivan’s heart was heavy. Was that why Till never answered his calls and messages? Because he couldn’t? Ivan had just assumed he made new friends he liked more, and since Ivan had graduated and Till was still in his last year, he thought that maybe he didn’t want to talk to someone he didn’t go to school with anymore. But it wasn’t that. It was that Urak took Till’s phone away. Till didn’t stop talking to him by choice, and however bad that made Ivan feel for him, it also made him feel good. Like Till didn’t stop caring about him, he just didn’t have a way to contact him. 

       “How can I get in touch with you if you don’t have a phone?” Ivan asked. 

       “You can always contact Urak. I’ll give you his number. He’ll probably overcharge you, though.” 

       Ivan sighed, “I thought we established I’m not one of your clients. I’m not going to buy you from Urak for the night.”

       “Why?” Till asked, reaching back up for Ivan’s chest, “that not your thing? Do you want to kidnap me? Tie me up? We can do that.” 

       The fact that Ivan was so turned on made him feel like a bad person, just like his father. So he gently took Till’s hands and moved them away from his chest. He kept holding them, and looked into Till’s eyes when he said, “what happened to you?”

       He didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did. Ivan didn’t want Till to think he thought any less of him than he had in high school, because he didn’t. He just wanted an explanation for how Till ended up in this position. 

       Till’s eyes were still a clear indicator that he was high as a kite. Ivan knew the look, seen it far too many times in his own home.  

       “Nothing happened to me.” Till stepped even closer, so that now their bodies were touching, “you just never got to see this side of me in high school. I used to be good at hiding what a whore I am.” 

       Ivan didn’t like what Till was implying. 

       “Were you hooking when I knew you?” 

       Till pulled his hands from Ivan’s grasp, instead cupping Ivan’s face with them, “not like this, Urak always arranged it.” Till admitted, “but I was still a filthy slut whose body needed to be used.”

       Ivan thought he might burst with anger. Not towards Till, but Urak. 

       “You were fifteen when I met you. You’re saying grown adults were paying Urak to have sex with you then?” 

       Till trailed a finger across Ivan’s lips, “you know, you’re sexy when you get mad. That flush on your cheeks. I bet you’d look so hot on top of me.” 

       Ivan shut his eyes, and took hold of Till’s hands again, taking a step back. He needed to sort his thoughts. Till was talking in a way he recognized, in a way he hated. He’d only heard one other person speak that way before, and it was a young woman who had been severely abused as a child. To the point where she spoke to everyone she met like a programmed sex doll. That’s exactly what Till sounded like. Programmed. Like he was taught to say these things. Like someone had drilled it into his head that he was nothing but a body that needed to be used. Ivan wondered then, if those bruises Till showed up to school with were even what he had told him. He had said Urak hit him, which wasn’t hard to believe, but maybe it was other people who hit him too, people who were paying for his body. 

       “Okay.” Ivan said finally, managing to open his eyes and see Till, who now looked so pitiful to him he couldn’t take it. “-Not okay to the sex.” Ivan quickly clarified, “I’m taking you back home with me.” 

       Till smiled, “it’s 350 for the night, half up front.” 

       “I just said no to the sex.” Ivan admonished, “you’re coming home with me, and we’re calling the cops on Urak.” 

       Till let out a small chuckle. 

       “You think the cops don’t know him? The cops love him! Well, they love me. Cops are some of the worst I’ve had, you know. They like it rough.” 

       Ivan shook his head, “not those cops. Good cops.”

       Till waved his hand dismissively, “no such thing. And I’m not going home with you unless it’s for work. Since you’ve made it clear that it’s not, you can go fuck off now. I’ll see you another time, if you come back. I’m usually around here.”

       Ivan so badly wanted to just grab Till and force him to come back with him. To make him leave Urak and do the same thing Ivan had done six years ago. He wanted Till to make the choice that would be good for him, but Ivan knew people like Till. Like that woman his father had brought home. They can’t leave. Not without some serious help, and definitely not with the tiny amount of help Ivan might be able to provide. So he backed off. 

       “Till, I’ll be back, okay? Maybe not tomorrow, but by the next day for sure. I’m going to come back for you.” 

       Till’s smile looks haunted in the dim lighting, “you want me that bad, huh?” 

       “No. I just care about you. So I’ll be back, and until then, for the love of god, please don’t take any more drugs from strangers. Even if they’re free.” 

       Till shrugged, “won’t be making any promises.” 

       It went against all of Ivan’s instincts, but he nodded, “fine. I’ll see you then.” And he turned, leaving for the bus stop that was still running this late at night. 

       By the time Ivan looked back into the alleyway, Till was gone. Probably off to find a more willing customer.

Chapter Text

       The trip to his dorm was exhausting, and by the time Ivan made it back, he was just grateful that he hadn’t forgotten his keys, and carefully opened the door, so as to not wake up his roommate. He got into pajamas and climbed into bed, willing for sleep to take him, but of course it wouldn’t. 

       All he could think about was how Till was living, how he was living back in high school, too, and Ivan never noticed. He thought about how sexy Till looked in the outfit he was wearing, and then he thought about how he’s just like his dead father. Taking advantage of a damaged boy. Ivan tried his best to shake this thought from his head. If he was like his father, he and Till would be fucking right then. But he turned him down. Not because he didn’t want to be with Till, but because he knew it would be wrong to be with him. Not while he was high and vulnerable. 

       It’s almost morning by the time Ivan finally fell asleep, but he told his professors his father died, so he had the day off. 

       Ivan didn’t sleep peacefully. He never had. Not since he was very young, at least. He’d been plagued with nightmares for as long as he could remember, waking up screaming multiple times a week. He felt bad for his roommate, but he couldn’t exactly do anything about it. That day was no different with the nightmares, but instead of the usual memories of his father from when he was young, Ivan had a dream in which he became like his father. Where he got old and bitter and started taking out his anger on other people, and he mostly saw himself taking it out on Till. 

       When Ivan woke up drenched in a cold sweat, he took a few deep breaths and told himself that it was just a dream, and wasn’t real. He usually didn’t have the luxury of telling that to himself, considering most of his dreams were memories. But this one wasn’t. He loved Till. 

       Yes, love. He loved Till in high school, not just in the way where he wanted to date him, or thought he was hot. He loved the way Till talked, he loved his singing voice and composing skills. He loved how even though Till always pretended not to care, that he cared deeper than almost anyone else he knew. Till was the first person to show him kindness after joining a new school, in a new town, all by himself. He was the first person who didn’t care where Ivan came from, or who he was before. Ivan had found that in his new school people either pitied him or made fun of him, and Till did neither. He loved him for all of those reasons, and then one day, he was gone. 

       Ivan knew he wasn’t supposed to rely on people. Ivan never liked caring about someone else, because for him, it never ended well. After he lost touch with Till, he gave up on friends, on dating. On any deep connection with another person. He didn’t think he could handle being cut off like what had happened with Till, and what had happened his entire life before that. He needed only himself. 

       But Till was back. He had never intentionally cut Ivan off, and Ivan didn’t know how to feel. Because he still loved Till, and he was sure that Till still cared about him too. 

       Till returned to Urak the next morning with $500. He had the $50 from Ivan, and the other $450 from spending the rest of the night with one of his regulars. He charged $350, but the man had given him the extra hundred as a tip. He was a wealthy man, relative to everyone else around. He owned a house, and had a good job. That was more than Till could say for 95% of his other clients. 

       Urak snatched the money from Till the second he saw Till return with it. 

       “One hundred of that is mine.” Till said, reaching out to grab one of the crumpled bills back. 

       Urak swiftly pocketed all of it, and turned to face Till. 

       “And why is that?” 

       “It was a tip. It’s mine.” 

       Urak slapped Till. Hard. 

       “Not a single thing is yours.” Urak said, “everything you own is because I let you have it.” 

       Till recovered from the slap quickly, reaching back out to take the money from Urak’s pocket. But Urak was faster. He grabbed Till by the wrist and threw him down to the floor as hard as he could. Till’s head made an awful sound as it hit the tile, and he was swift to look up at Urak, stare him in the eyes, and then spit blood onto the clean floor. Urak might own him, but he’s a disobedient bitch, and he will never stop being one. It’s against his core values to roll over and fully submit to him. 

       “That fucking money is mine.” Till could hardly lift his head, so he kept his cheek pressed against the cool floor. 

       Urak delivered a swift kick to Till’s stomach. “You’d think by now you’d stop behaving like such a child. I’d have thought you learned your lesson.”

       Till knew exactly what Urak was referring to. He knew, and he didn’t care. He stayed with Urak. Did everything he asked. He just wanted his own goddamn money. 

       “I don’t learn lessons.” Till bit out, but he knew that wasn’t true. There was a reason he never left, and it was practically just one big lesson learned. He tried not to think about it. He tried not to think about the way he tried to leave, and he definitely tried not to think about that his reason for attempting to leave gave him $50 last night. 

       Ivan. Sweet Ivan.

       After Ivan graduated, Till felt so unbearably alone. He wanted to find Ivan, follow his lead and get away from Urak somehow. 

       Till quickly shook his head free of all the memories trying to rush in. They hurt too much. Forgetting was the easier option. The cowardly one, sure, but easier nonetheless. 

       Urak noticed the look on Till’s face. It was one he didn’t see very often: fear. Urak, of course, thought that this was his doing. He couldn’t possibly know that Till was thinking about the boy who pissed him off to no end. The boy who he thought he lost. 

       “Clean yourself up.” Urak demanded,  with one last kick to Till’s stomach, “and clean up that blood. I don’t tolerate filthiness in the apartment I pay for.” 

       He turned around, and headed for his room. As he did, Till muttered, “that I pay for,” under his breath, but he was lucky because Urak didn’t catch it. If he did, there would be a lot more blood on the floor for Till to be cleaning up.

       Once Urak was out of sight, Till lifted himself painfully off the floor and wiped the blood clean. He then took a shower and headed to his bed, which was really just the fold-out couch in the middle of the apartment. That meant he had very little privacy, since Urak was constantly having friends over to “show off” Till to. 

       Till just hoped he could get some sleep that day, and tried his best not to think about Ivan as he started to drift off. 

       Ivan woke up after about two hours of sleep. It wasn’t even 9 AM yet. But he had a plan. If he could make $400 today, on his day off, he could use it to pay Till to spend the night with him. And not in a sex-related way. He would give Till a much needed break from what he did on a normal night, and at the same time, they’d get to catch up, and get to know each other better. 

       It wouldn’t be too difficult for Ivan to earn the $400 in one day. He had a job as a tutor, teaching kids who struggle, how to read. At first, he wasn’t earning too much, as a college student, the going rate for tutors wasn’t too good. But he had one kid, whose parents were very wealthy, and discovered how quickly their son learned from Ivan. They told all their friends with struggling kids about Ivan, and so he became a very popular tutor for many kids at one specific private school. 

       With the wealthier clientele, Ivan was able to charge a bit more, and everyone was happy to pay it. So he booked back-to-back sessions his entire day off, and by the end, had more than $500 in cash. Ivan didn’t tutor as often as he’d like, because of school and his other job as a manager in the same burger joint he’d been working since he was 16. Since he knew Till. 

       The night of his day off, Ivan didn’t go back to find Till. He was too exhausted from his lack of sleep and teaching kids all day (not to mention he still had to work his manager job that night as well). But the next day, he was already planning on taking the night off of work, and taking the train back to where Till was. Back to his old home. 

       Only two days before, Ivan had been so reluctant to have to go back, even though it was for his own father’s funeral. But then, he was looking forward to it. He was scared out of his mind, of what might happen, but he felt anticipation nonetheless. This was Till. Yeah, maybe it was an older, much different Till, but Ivan could tell, the Till he knew was still in there. The Till from high school who told Ivan that he was his one reprieve from his life, and then denied he said that the next day. The Till who was so easy to get riled up, that Ivan couldn’t help but push at his buttons. The Till that Ivan felt safe around, for the first time in his entire life. The Till that he loved down to his core. 

       So Ivan made sure he looked okay before he left for the train station. He made sure he had his $500 safe in his pocket, and that he was at the train station in the late afternoon, so that he would catch Till before he even started trying to seek people out. 

       When Ivan made it back to his old city, he went straight for the backstreet alleyway he had found Till in. No one was there. Ivan checked his watch, and found that it was only around 7:00, meaning Till might not even be out yet. His only problem is not knowing exactly where he could find Till, even if he was out already. He didn’t know where he lived, and he didn’t know his usual corner. But, Ivan did know where most hookers go when looking for jobs. He knew because his father went there all the time, and even brought Ivan with him sometimes. A lot of the girls thought he was cute, and thinking back on it, Ivan thought his father might have been using him to attract attention. 

       Either way, Ivan knew where to go. The corner of 6th and 51st Street was the most popular spot for hookers. When he went, Till wasn’t there, but Ivan spotted a woman, maybe in her thirties, flirting with a much older man, who was eating it up. Ivan knew exactly what it was, so he watched them for a bit, trying his best not to look like a pervert, and when the older man started to walk away, Ivan approached the lady. She caught his eye and a smile played on her lips. 

       “Hey.” Ivan said awkwardly, not knowing what else to say. 

       She gave him the most dazzling smile, “hey sweetheart.” 

       “I- I just have a question.” Ivan felt nervous. She was looking at him in the same way Till had been the other night. 

        “Anything.” She kept her smile on. 

       “Do you know someone named Till?” He asked, because if they both were working around here, it was likely they crossed paths. 

       The lady’s smile faded, just slightly, but she still nodded, “sure, I know Till. Sweet young thing.” 

       “I was just wondering how I could find him.” Ivan said, his face now feeling very hot. He sounded like a pervert. Like a creepy old man seeking out Till just for his body. He sounded like his father. 

       “Oh sure.” The woman’s smile was gone, but she didn’t look unfriendly. “He’ll probably be just a few blocks down. That way.” She pointed to their right, where Ivan knew the worst part of town was. The part where you were pretty much guaranteed to be jumped. He sighed. It was so like Till to be there. 

       “Thanks.” He said quickly, then turned around and headed straight in the direction the woman had pointed. 

       She was right. He found Till quickly enough. Till was leaning against a brick wall, cigarette between his fingers, smoking and following everyone who passed with his eyes. Scanning for potential men who might be interested in him. This didn’t exclude Ivan, and when Till’s eyes caught on him, Till took a long drag of his cigarette, and then put it out on the wall, walking right over to Ivan. 

       “Couldn’t stay away for very long, you want me that bad, huh?” He smelled like cigarette smoke, and Ivan did his best not to wrinkle his nose in distaste. Instead, he pulled out the cash he had, handing it all over to Till. 

       Till kept his composure, but Ivan could tell he was shocked by the amount he was just given. 

       “You said it’s $350 for the night, right?” Ivan asked, “I threw in the extra $50 so you’d have enough to go back with, and the rest is for you to use yourself. Not on drugs, though. If I somehow find out you’re spending it on drugs, I’ll be pissed.” 

       Till nodded quickly, pocketing the money in the pocket with a zipper on his cargo pants. That day, Till was wearing green baggy cargos with a black tank, and some sort of black mesh sleeves that went on top, plus some smudged black eyeliner. It made him look ridiculously hot to Ivan, but he didn’t focus on it for long. 

       “Alright.” Till smiled, moving his body closer to Ivan’s, until their chests were nearly touching. He lifted a hand and rested it on Ivan’s cheek, brushing his thumb down Ivan’s lips. “You have me for the night. What do you want to do to me?” Till thrusted his hips slightly, and Ivan took both of his hands, and a large step back. 

       “I want to take you out for dinner.” Ivan said with a light smile, “there’s a decent place not too far from here.” 

       Till’s perfect, practiced, sexy smile faltered. But he fixed it quickly. 

       “Most people don’t take me out to dinner first.” Till said, trying to get closer to Ivan again, “they usually want to fill me up right away.” 

       Ivan took a deep breath to compose himself, making sure he would think with his brain, and not his dick. 

       “Well, not me.” Ivan started walking, still holding Till’s hands, pulling him along. 

       Till followed, allowing himself to be dragged by Ivan back into the main streets of the city and then into the nicest diner they had around there. They got sat down by a waitress, and Ivan smiled as Till shifted uncomfortably on his side of the booth. 

       “What do you like to eat?” Ivan asked, glancing down at the menu. He remembered that Till was never a big eater back in high school, and wondered if that had changed. 

       Till shrugged, looking confused, in a way that made Ivan want to hold him tight. 

       “When was the last time you ate out?” Ivan asked conversationally, trying to make it clear that this was just a normal, clean conversation, clear from any hints of sex. 

       Till shrugged again, staring down at the menu like it was something he’d never seen before. 

       “Anything look good to you?” Ivan wondered, keeping his gaze focused on Till. 

       It was very interesting, the shift in Till now that they were in a restaurant. He didn’t have his practiced sexy face on. In fact, he looked much smaller, more unsure, and out of place. Like he didn’t feel like he belonged here. 

       “I guess…” Till’s eyes traveled up and down the menu, settling on the first thing that caught his eye, “eggs? Whatever this is.” He pointed at the item that said “House Scrambled Eggs”. 

       Ivan looked at it and nodded, “breakfast for dinner kind of guy? I respect that. Maybe I’ll follow that theme. I’ll go for some pancakes.” 

       Till chewed on his nails as the waitress who had sat them came back, and Ivan ordered for both of them. 

       “Would you like a drink?” Ivan asked Till once he was done telling the waitress what they wanted to eat. 

       “Water is fine.” Till managed to choke out. 

       The waitress nodded and then went off to the kitchen to have their meals prepared. 

       Ivan couldn’t stop looking at Till. At the way he seemed so nervous, sweat beading on his forehead, and his eyes, not high, but wide with fear. 

       “Is something wrong?” Ivan asked. 

       Till shook his head quickly, but in a way Ivan knew was trained into him. In the way he probably always did to appease whoever was paying him. 

       “I want you to tell me if something is wrong.” Ivan said, “and I want to make something clear: this, what we’re doing right now, isn’t sexual. We’re just two high school friends, catching up over dinner.” 

       “That.” Till said, “that’s what’s wrong. You paid me for the night. My job isn’t to catch up with you.” 

       Ivan immediately understood. Till wasn’t used to having someone pay him and then not fuck him right after. He was used to the type of men who would hold him up against a wall for accidentally choking. He was used to people who didn’t see him as a person, but an object. The fact that Ivan was taking him out to dinner for no reason other than to “catch up”, implied that Ivan viewed him as a human being, and Till wasn’t used to that. 

       “Well,” Ivan said carefully, “I haven’t seen you in years. The other day doesn’t count. You were my friend, so I want to know how you’re doing.” 

       “Then why would you pay me for the night?” 

       “Would you really have agreed to doing this otherwise?” 

       “Probably not.” Till admitted. 

       “Exactly. So, why don’t you tell me what’s going on? I can tell you how I’ve been, if you want.” 

       “I’ve been fine. If that’s what you’re asking.” Till said, back to biting at his nails. 

       “Well, I’m in college now.” Ivan tried to show Till what he meant by catching up, “I’m a classics major, which means a lot of reading and homework, and in my free time I tutor or work at the burger place I did in high school. I still go to the gym, but I don’t play sports like I did.” 

       Till nodded, but didn’t say anything, so Ivan prompted him. 

       “What do you do? Are you still into music?” 

       “I’m, uh…” Till seemed frightened and surprised at the same time. Like he didn’t think Ivan would have remembered much about him. “I, yeah, I still like music. I just don’t really write or listen to it anymore.” 

       “Why not?” Ivan asked, and as he did the waitress came over with their food, setting it in front of them. Ivan thanked her and then turned back to Till when he didn’t get an answer. 

       “Urak doesn’t like it, and it’s a useless skill to have anyways, so I just put my more useful talents to work.”

       Ivan didn’t ask what he meant by “more useful talents”. He could guess what Till was referring to, anyways. 

       “Music doesn’t have to be useless. People make good money by composing songs for other artists. Plus, with your voice, I’d bet you could become a popular artist yourself.” 

       Till didn’t look like he appreciated the compliment. In fact, he looked like the compliment made him really uncomfortable. So instead of saying anything, Till pushed his body down the booth’s bench until he was pressed up against Ivan. He placed a hand on Ivan’s thigh and leaned close to his ear. 

       “You know, my musical talents are nothing compared to my sexual ones. I could make you cum harder than you ever have in your whole life.” His voice was low, gravely, so only Ivan could hear him.

       Ivan didn’t move, but he did gently remove Till’s hand from his thigh. 

       “We’re eating dinner right now.” Ivan said simply, dragging Till’s plate of eggs across the table and setting it in front of him.

       Ivan could see the way this made Till’s features twitch, and it almost made him smile. He used to love how easy it was to make Till angry. 

       “C’mon, eat. You look hungry.” Ivan nudged Till, “when was the last time you ate?”

       The last time Till ate had been the day prior, when Till had a sandwich for lunch while Urak was out. But he didn’t want to tell Ivan this, so he just ignored him and started on his eggs. Ivan followed suit, eating his pancakes, and keeping up the casual conversation until they were both done. Once their plates were empty, Ivan paid the bill, and he and Till left.

       The change in Till’s body language the second they were back on the street was noticeable right away. He stood taller, and he no longer looked anxious. 

       “Wanna go back to the alleyway?” Till asked, licking his bottom lip, “I can give you your money’s worth.” 

       “Actually,” Ivan said, “I was wondering if you knew of any motels around here we can spend the night?”

       Till’s expression never changed except for a subtle hint of satisfaction. 

       “Of course I know a place.” Till took Ivan’s hand and led him through the streets, winding down side roads and alleyways until about ten minutes later, they made it to the most run-down motel Ivan had ever seen. Every single letter in the word “Motel” was broken somehow, either the light bulbs inside flickering or completely dead, and there was only one car parked outside. A car that looked like it would fit better in a scrap yard. 

       “I know the owner.” Till smiled, pulling Ivan to the side, walking around until he stopped at room number 117. He bent down, and pulled the key out from under the planter just outside of the door.

Chapter Text

     Till unlocked the door and it swung open, revealing a motel room with one large bed, a bathroom, a mini fridge and nothing else.

       “This okay?” Till asked, settling on the bed, legs spread wide. 

       Ivan looked around, and then nodded, “yes, this is good.” 

       Till stood up, and pulled Ivan to the bed, sitting him down, and then climbing onto his lap to start grinding down on him. 

       Ivan raised a hand, “okay, stop for a second.” 

       Till stopped, confused as to why Ivan was asking him to, when he could feel his hard cock through his pants.

       Instead of doing anything sexual, like Till expected, Ivan eased him off of his lap, and then turned his body so that they’re facing each other. Till whimpered. 

       “I don’t get it. Why don’t you want to put it in me?” It came out almost like a childish whine. 

       Ivan cupped a hand to Till’s cheek, who leaned into it. 

       “I do.” Ivan said, “I do want to have sex with you. But I won’t do it unless you want to do it too.”

       Till gave Ivan the most incredulous look. 

       “What are you talking about? I’ve been trying to hook up with you this whole time. I brought you back to this motel.” 

       “Exactly.” Ivan agreed, “you did. I want to know why. I want to know exactly why you want to be with me.” 

       Till wanted to say “because you paid”, but he knew Ivan wouldn’t accept that answer. So instead, he settled on, “I want to because you want to.” 

       Ivan nodded his head, “that’s what I figured you’d say. Either that or because I’m paying you.” He removed his hand from Till’s face. “That’s not a good reason. I won’t have sex with someone who doesn’t want it.” 

       Till moaned helplessly, feeling the way his dick was hard between his legs. He wanted to have release. Needed to. 

       “I’m so hard right now.” Till whimpered, “I’m so hard for you.” 

       “Okay.” Ivan said, “that’s something. Why are you hard for me?”

       Till hated the way Ivan was making this into some sort of quiz. Or maybe some sort of game, he wasn’t quite sure.

       “I- I-“ Till tried to think of a good way to explain why he was so turned on, “it’s because you want to have sex with me. I like being used up. My body likes it.” 

       Ivan raised a hand back up to Till’s face and brushed away a tear Till didn’t even realize he had shed. Was he crying? Why was he crying? 

       “Till, I think you were conditioned into believing that you like being used up. When I look into your eyes, you don’t look aroused. You look hollow. Like there’s nothing in there.” 

       “No.” Till tried to control the way his eyes were spilling tears, “no. I like it. I like the way it feels.” 

       “Yeah, I’m sure it feels good sometimes. But does it feel good when you’re being treated like you’re not even a person? Do you like it that Urak uses your body for money?”

       “Y-yes.” 

       “That doesn’t sound like a very certain yes to me.” Ivan said, now both hands holding Till’s face, wiping away his tears. 

       “I like it.” Till said, keeping his voice steady, “I like it because I’m a filthy slut.” 

       “No.” Ivan said, pulling Till close, holding him, “you’re not a filthy slut. Someone told you that you are, but that doesn’t make it true.” 

       “Please.” Till said, voice low, “please just put it in me.” 

       “How about this,” Ivan said, still holding Till, “how about I tell you why I feel aroused by you. Why I would want to be with you.” 

       Till nodded, slightly.

       “I want to be with you because even though I haven’t seen you in years, I never stopped thinking about you. The way you made me feel in high school, like you actually liked me. I want to be with you because of your talent with a guitar, and the way you’re always kind to strangers. I want to be with you because you never back away from something you believe in. I want to be with you because you are a wonderful person. Not because you have a hot body.” 

       Till couldn’t stop crying as memories flooded into him from the time they were in high school. He remembered how Ivan always made sure to save him a seat at lunch. How Ivan listened to his music with apt interest, never getting bored. He remembered how he and Ivan made plans for him to run away from Urak, and to go to college together, alone in the sense that they had no family but each other. He remembered how Ivan would make him angry, but never go too far. He remembered the way that Ivan looked at him. How Ivan was looking at him. Like he’s the only thing he ever truly cared about. Like he’s his world. 

       “I’m sorry.” Till’s voice quivered, “I’m sorry for never leaving.” 

       “Hey.” Ivan stroked Till’s painfully soft hair back from his face, “you don’t need to apologize for that. I’m sure you have your reasons. I just want you to understand that I don’t think of you as just a body. Sure, I think you’re hot as fuck, but that’s not even close to what makes me want you.”

       Till slowly pushed himself out of Ivan’s arms, even though he didn’t really want to. He looked up at Ivan, eyes wide and begging. 

       “Will you take me now?” He asked, “please.”

       Ivan stood up from the bed, and looked down at Till, “if you explain to me why you want it, then yes, I will.” 

       Till shifted around on the bed, feeling embarrassed at the idea of having to explain it. It was strange, because nothing sexual embarrassed Till. It was the emotional aspect that made him feel weak and helpless. 

       “I- I want it because I haven’t stopped thinking of you since high school either. I saw you, the other day. Before you even saw me. I saw you as you walked past the alleyway I was giving the guy a blow job in, and that’s why I choked. I never choke, but I saw you and I thought I was looking at a ghost.” Till took deep breath in, “you always made me feel nice. Loved. You were the only person who ever did that for me. You- you were the only person that actually seemed to genuinely give a fuck about my interests, and not because you were into them too, but because I was, and the fact that I was interested was enough for you.” 

       Ivan smiled and nodded, “so you don’t just want me because your body feels aroused, you want me because of all those reasons as well?” He needed to make sure, to clarify. 

       Till nodded back, and in a small voice, said “yes.” 

       For a moment, they stared at each other, Till wondering when Ivan would make a move. Then, Ivan was descending upon him, on top of him, his hot mouth pressing against Till’s. Till parted his lips, letting Ivan’s tongue in, and kissed back as passionately as he could. Ivan had Till pinned underneath him, lying on the bed, Ivan’s legs straddling Till’s waist as he held the sides of Till’s face and kissed him. Till ran his hands through Ivan’s hair expertly, moaning into his mouth when Ivan made little nips at his lips, his snaggle tooth catching on Till’s skin, making him moan even louder. 

       As they made out, Ivan pulled off Till’s top, both the mesh sleeves and the tank, running his hands over Till’s beautifully formed body. The shape of his chest, the curve of his hipbones, and his warm lower-belly. Till had his hands up Ivan’s shirt, exploring his defined muscles and rippling skin. 

       Ivan slowly broke away from the kiss, saliva still connecting their lips as they panted with desire. Ivan took a good look at Till’s face, so close beneath him, and then got up, off of Till, and sat on his knees between Till’s spread legs. 

       Till whimpered, begging without words for more. But Ivan was slow, methodical. He took one of the pillows, and propped it underneath Till’s ass, and Till lifted his hips as he did so, then allowed Ivan to fully strip him of his pants and the boxers underneath. Till’s whole body was flushed pink with desire, his penis erect and desperate. Ivan removed his own shirt, then put his hands on the insides of Till’s thighs, tracing circles into the sensitive skin that shivered beneath his touch. 

       “Ivan.” Till moaned out, his voice needy. 

       Ivan didn’t stop, but he looked to Till. 

       “Yes?” 

       Till’s hips were jerking forward, searching for any sort of feeling. 

       “Please.”

       Ivan smiled, and pressed two fingers to Till’s mouth. Till quickly took them in, sucking feverishly and fast, his tongue circling Ivan’s knuckles. Once Ivan was satisfied, he pulled his fingers away, using his other hand to push Till’s legs up until his ankles were over his head, asshole presented to him so beautifully. Ivan started by circling the ring of muscle outside, getting Till ready, and then pushing his fingers inside, spreading Till open. 

       A guttural moan was torn from Till’s throat, and he started to push down on Ivan’s fingers, wanting more of the sensation. Ivan felt his own cock twitch with desire, at feeling how warm and tight Till was. He could hardly hold himself back, but he made sure that Till was at least a bit stretched before he was going to do anything. 

       Till was back to begging Ivan, unashamed, loose-lipped, begging. Ivan pulled his fingers out, slick and wet, before hitching his pants down with his free hand, and taking them off, along with his boxers. He aligned himself with Till’s entrance, and then, all at once, pushed inside. 

       Ivan couldn’t hold back a moan of absolute pleasure, as Till let out a matching one, pre-cum already leaking from his cock. Ivan started with slow, steady thrusts, pushing down his desires until Till looked up at him, and moaned out, “faster. Harder. Please, Ivan.” 

       And so Ivan did, his body and mind being swallowed by the pleasure as he thrust faster and deeper into Till, hitting his prostate over and over again. 

       Till’s moans filled the room, his legs quivering under Ivan’s grip, until his whole body stiffened and he let out a long, strangled moan, spilling all over his own chest. And as he did, his muscles clenched down on Ivan, bringing him to the climax as well, and he came inside of Till, his head rolling back in pleasure. 

       They both panted, as Ivan pulled out, collapsing onto the bed beside Till, whose eyes were closed as he made mindless mutterings of satisfaction and pleasure. 

       Ivan wrapped his arms around Till, pulling him close until he was curled up into Ivan’s sweaty body. 

       “Was that okay?” Ivan whispered through his heavy breathing. 

       Till nodded, keeping his eyes closed, pressing close to Ivan, trying to savour the way he felt. Because he didn’t feel like he usually did, after having sex. Usually, he felt used up and spent, but this time, it wasn’t like that. It felt like Ivan actually cared about Till feeling good, maybe even more than he had cared about himself. It was the first time ever that having sex didn’t feel like it was a job for him. Like if he didn’t have to, he would have still wanted to do it anyways. And that’s another thing. It didn’t feel like he had to do it. It felt like it was a choice he made. A choice he worked towards. Because it was. Ivan had made sure of that. 

       “Thank you.” Till whispered back, feeling his body grow heavy, his mind become lighter with tiredness. And he never wanted to leave. He never wanted to leave Ivan’s arms, and have to go back to Urak, and his friends, and the other men. He just wanted Ivan. He wanted to feel the way he felt with Ivan forever. And as they fell asleep, Till told himself he could. That it wouldn’t be impossible. 

Chapter Text

       It was very early the next morning when Ivan and Till woke up, the sun soaking through the curtains covering the window over their bed. Till got up first, removing himself from Ivan’s arms, and beginning to put his clothes back on. The sound of rustling made Ivan look up at Till, and realize what he was doing. He was leaving. 

       “You going so early?” Ivan smiled slightly. 

       Till looked momentarily confused. 

       “Do you mean you want me to stay?” 

       “Yeah.” Ivan smiled at Till’s oblivious expression. Like he didn’t realize, even after everything Ivan had said the night before, that Ivan could actually care about him. Till probably didn't realize anyone could care about him, so this made sense. 

       “Okay,” Till said, tentatively dropping the pants he was just pulling back on, climbing back into Ivan’s arms in just his boxers. 

       “You can leave if that’s what you want.” Ivan made sure to say, “there’s a bathroom here, you can take a shower.” 

       Till nodded against Ivan’s chest. 

       “I just can’t be back too late.” 

       Ivan ran a hand through Till’s hair, “I know.”

       They lay together, in silence for a while, until Ivan could feel Till’s body shaking in his arms. He was making muffled sniffling sounds, and Ivan knew he was crying. 

       “Hey.” Ivan pulled slightly back so he could see Till’s face, “what’s wrong?”

       Till was trying his best not to let out the sobs building up in his chest. 

       “I don’t want to go back.” 

       Ivan’s heart wrenched for Till. 

       “You don’t have to.” He said gently, wiping the tears off of Till’s face with soft fingers. 

       “I do.” Till cried, curling in on himself, “I do.” 

       “You won’t have to do it alone.” Ivan tried, “I’ll help. I’ll get you a job where I live, and we can find a place to stay.”

       “I can’t.” Till choked. 

       “Why not?” Ivan asked, keeping his voice as kind as possible, even though he didn’t understand what possible reason he had to stay. 

       “If I leave, bad things are going to happen.” Till buried his face back into Ivan’s chest to hide the tears. 

       “What sort of bad things?” Ivan asked, holding Till’s shaky body tight. 

       “If I go, he- he said he’d just find someone else. He said if I go then he’ll just start over, and take another kid.”

       Ivan took a slow inhale, trying to contain his anger at Urak. He was taking advantage of Till’s kindness. Threatening him with torturing someone else instead, so that he would think it’s his fault if Urak hurt another person. 

       “I tried to go.” Till murmured, “I wanted to leave, right after you graduated. I told Urak that I was going to, and we got into a huge fight.” Till’s voice was quickly cut off by a small sob. 

        Ivan waited patiently for Till to continue, not wanting him to feel pressured into having to explain. 

       Till took a long, shuddering breath. 

       “He said I was getting too old anyways. He said it was time he went looking for someone new. So I ended up begging him to keep me, if he promised not to look for someone else.” 

       Ivan held on to the back of Till’s head firmly, other arm around his waist. 

       “You know what he does isn’t your responsibility, right?” Ivan said softly. 

       Till pulled away suddenly, wiping his tears with the back of his hand. 

       “But it is!” He yelled, angry now, “it is my responsibility! I make him good money, and as long as I do, he won’t find another 12-year-old boy in the same situation as me. He won’t try to hurt someone else.” 

       “Are you telling me that Urak has been using your body as his source of income since you were twelve?” Ivan asked, his voice too calm, hiding the storm brewing underneath. 

       “It doesn’t matter.” Till said.

       “The fuck it doesn’t.” Ivan’s voice was getting louder too.

        “Please.” Ivan corrected his own tone, knowing his anger wasn’t towards Till, “please understand that it matters because you matter.” 

       Till turned his head away, “not more than some other kid.” 

       “Till.” Ivan took Till’s hand, sitting up to face him. “This is the type of thing we can go to the police with.”

       “No.” Till pulled his hand away, “no. No. I hate cops.” 

       “Not all cops are bad. I’ll make sure we only get to the good ones.” 

       “There’s no such thing.” Till climbed off the bed, starting to pull his clothing back on.

       Ivan quickly followed suit and did the same. He followed Till as he stormed out of the motel room, making sure neither of them left anything before rushing after Till, wherever he was going. 

       “C’mon.” Ivan called, “Till, please.” 

       Till wouldn’t stop, his strides long and angry, but Ivan caught up to him quickly. 

       “Till. Just wait. I promise I won’t talk about this anymore. It’s your choice anyways.” 

       This finally made Till slow down, and once he stopped, now in the middle of an empty side-street, he pushed Ivan as hard as he could. Or, he tried to. He put his hands on Ivan’s chest, and tried to make him fall to the ground, but Ivan was stronger, and stood firm. He grabbed Till’s wrists, lowering his hands from his body. 

       All at once, Till was crying again. But even more this time, and harder. He was gasping for air, tears streaming down his face as he choked on sobs. Ivan quickly collected him into his arms, hugging him tight and putting pressure on Till’s arms and abdomen, which he found to seem to sooth Till the best, but not for very long before Till was angry and crying again. 

       Ivan lowered them both to the ground, sitting against a brick wall, with Till curled up against him, still wailing, and resisting, hitting Ivan with all of his strength. 

       “Till.” Ivan didn’t let go, “I promise we can talk about anything else now. I know it’s your decision.” 

       “You asshole!” Till managed in between his cries, “you fucking asshole.” 

       “Why am I an asshole?” Ivan asked, genuinely hurt. 

       Till had to let out quite a few more sobs, and take in quite a few more breaths before finally being able to say, “I forgot what it was like. To be loved by you.” Another shaky inhale, “when you don’t know how it’s supposed to be, everything is fine. I was okay when we met, but then you made me want to leave. Because you made me realize there was more to feel. And then you were gone.” Till kept crying, hiccuping now. 

       “Urak took my phone away. He did it because he knew you were the reason I wanted to leave. He didn’t want me to be able to talk to you. So I forgot what it was like, and I was fine again. Now you’re back, though, and I remember what it’s like to be loved by you. Now I never want a feeling that isn’t that ever again.” 

       Ivan hushed him, rocking Till in his arms. 

       “It’s still your decision.” He whispered, “you can leave if you want. I’ll do everything I can to help, to make sure no one else gets hurt in your place. Or you can stay. I won’t be upset with you. I won’t judge you. In fact, I will come back, just to make sure that you’re okay. Because you’re my friend, and I care about you. No matter what you choose. Understand?” 

       Till’s crying slowly subsided, and he pushed his face against the crook of Ivan’s neck, where his head was resting. 

       “If I stay, you’ll come back sometimes?” He asked in a voice still wet with tears. 

       “Of course I will. And I’ll do what I did last night. Bring you money to cover the night, and then we can do whatever you want. It doesn’t need to be sex. We can go out for dinner again, or I can take you bowling or something. I’ll make sure you get a night off frequently, okay?” 

       Till cast his blue-green eyes up to meet Ivan’s, and nodded. 

       “Thank you.” He said, placing a gentle kiss on Ivan's neck, “thank you for being so nice to me. Even though I don’t deserve it.” 

       “You 100% deserve it, okay?” Ivan made sure to say, “you deserve every ounce of kindness brought your way, and way more, since I know it’s scarce in your life.” 

       Till didn’t say anything, just pressed a few more kisses to Ivan’s neck, and they sat there for a while, on the dirty ground, until Ivan looked down at his phone and informed Till of the time. 

       “Fuck.” Till scrambled up, “I need to go back. I’ll… I’ll see you?” 

       Ivan nodded, standing up too, pressing a brief, soft kiss to Till’s lips. 

       “I’ll see you as soon as I can, okay?” 

       “Okay.” Till smiled a bit, then quickly ran off, panicked because it was much later than when he usually got back home. He also knew that his face was likely red and splotchy from crying, which wasn’t uncommon when he returned home the next morning, or the night of, but still might raise suspicion. 

       Luckily, Urak seemed to be in a good mood when Till crept back into the apartment, hoping he could go straight for a shower and then to maybe have some free time to doodle or something. Urak let Till do that, have a shower, and even allowed him paper to draw on. Till gave him the money the second he got home, but made sure to keep the extra that Ivan gave him stashed in another pocket, so Urak couldn’t take it too. Till wasn’t sure why Urak was in such high spirits, but he didn’t want to ask, worried that it would somehow make him angry and irritable again. 

       Eventually, Urak decided it would be a good idea to tell Till why he was in such a good mood. And what he said almost made Till pass out. Till felt his heart start racing, pounding against his ribcage like it was trying to escape. 

       Urak had arranged a party. The type of party that Till knew was just a nice way of saying a bunch of people, high as shit, paying to use Till, all at once. They had happened a lot more frequently when Till was younger, and his present self didn’t really remember much of anything from any of the parties, which he was grateful for. The only thing he could associate them with, was pain and fear. An all-consuming fear, that Till knew to trust, because it knew. Even if his brain was choosing not to remember, his body still did. His heart still did. 

       Till thought that this must be a punishment from some sort of god, for not leaving with Ivan. For staying, the deity in the sky was now laughing at him, because Ivan was right, and he should leave, but he was just too scared to do it. He was scared, yes, for the innocent boy Urak would take, but he was also scared for himself. He was scared of going to the police, of having to get a job with regular hours, of having to shop for himself, and of having to take care of himself. 

       With Urak, Till hardly needed to do anything for himself. He didn’t buy food, or deal with rent or any sort of paperwork. He didn’t even make his own choices about what hair cut he should have, or how often he should cut his nails. He was told on which days to wear eyeliner and a sexier outfit, and he was told when he should keep his face clear and young-looking, and dress more like a child, or teenager. 

       Leaving meant having to make a ton of choices he never had before, and that scared Till shitless. 

       “When’s the party?” Till asked, not knowing what to hope. One part of him hoped it was that night, so he could get it over with. Another part just wanted to push it off for as long as possible.

       “In a week from today.” Urak said, “we need time to figure out the logistics.”

       Till vaguely wondered who “we” was, since it certainly didn’t include him. Maybe it was one of Urak’s friends. Maybe it was the owner of that one club with an illegal “party room” in the basement. He didn’t think about it too hard, knowing the more thought he put into it, the more nightmarish scenarios he’d have swirling around his head. Till just hoped he’d maybe get to see Ivan before it. Or right after, even. 

       It was frustrating that he didn’t have a phone or a way to contact Ivan and ask when he’d be there. He just had to wait for Ivan to come back and find him. And so he waited. Till made sure to stay at the same corner Ivan found him at last time, every single night while looking for jobs. Till would make sure he didn’t go back home with anyone too early, in case Ivan was going to be there. It became something very anxiety-inducing for Till, because he felt desperate to see Ivan. Felt desperate for the feeling he had when he was with him. It was almost as if he was going through withdrawals, and he knew what a real bad withdrawal felt like. This was somehow worse.

       Every time someone brought Till back home, or to the motel, or even to just a different alleyway, Till got nervous that Ivan must have shown up at his usual spot, saw Till wasn’t there, and then just left, went back to college.

       Obviously, this wasn’t true. Ivan wanted to see Till just as much as Till wanted to see him, but maybe in a different way. He wanted to see Till to make sure he was okay, and to get to be with him. Being in Till’s presence always made Ivan feel something no one else could make him feel. But Ivan wasn’t desperate in the way Till was. Ivan knew when he could go, when he couldn’t. He knew where to find Till most of the time, and he had time to plan it out. He ended up having to talk to his boss at the burger place for some days off, and actually managed to get one night a week free if that meant he would work the Saturday afternoon and night shift, along with the Sunday morning one. 

       On Ivan’s first official day off, he had more than $400 again. It was all from tutoring, which he was doing almost constantly when he wasn’t either at the burger place or at school. Ivan had made the decision that he could just put in the extra hours of tutoring, and then he’d be able to afford the costly visits to Till.

Chapter Text

       It was a Thursday, the last time having seen Till being the previous Friday. It was almost a week, and Ivan just really hoped that Till would understand that he had to keep up with a lot of things in order to make this work at all. Ivan left his dorm earlier than he needed to that day, to make it to Till. He just wanted to be sure that he wouldn’t come too late and Till would have already left with someone else. Luckily, Ivan made it into the city early enough where it was just getting dark, and knew Till was probably waiting at his corner. Likely smoking something that Ivan hoped was just nicotine. 

       When Ivan finally made it to the corner, there he was. Till. Standing there, yep, smoking a cigarette, but it was nearly done. Till was mostly just smoking the filter at that point. Ivan saw Till first, and walked over to him, smiling. They were the only ones there, because it wasn’t very late yet. It took Till a few seconds to notice Ivan, and then a couple more to register that it was him. But once he did, Ivan was only two feet in front of him. 

       When they met eyes, Till felt his body light up, in a way it never did for anyone else. He felt like he had been fiending for a drug the entire week, and suddenly there it was, right in front of him. 

       Till descended onto Ivan, grabbing fistfuls of the front of Ivan’s plain white t-shirt, and then shoving him against the wall he had been leaning on, standing on his toes to reach Ivan’s mouth and start kissing him as fast and as hard as he could. He panted into Ivan’s mouth, pressing their lips together as roughly as he could, letting go of Ivan’s shirt to hold the sides of his face. 

       At first, Ivan was in shock. He didn’t get so much as a hello, but as soon as he felt Till’s tongue, fighting to enter his mouth, those thoughts slipped away, and he wrapped his arms around Till’s waist, pulling his body close. Till kissed feverishly, desperately, allowing the warmth that flooded his body at the contact with Ivan to swallow him whole. He thrust his hips against Ivan’s as they made out, searching desperately for that feeling that Ivan gave him last time. He needed it. He needed it like a man starved.

       Ivan wasn’t sure exactly what this was about, but he didn’t hate it. In fact, the passion and desire radiating off of Till made him feel amazing, like Till actually loved him back. After years of thinking Till couldn’t possibly care about him in the same way he did. 

       One of Till’s hands weaved its way into Ivan’s hair, while the other went lower, starting to grope Ivan through his jeans. Ivan couldn’t help but moan into Till’s mouth, getting harder than he already was as Till’s hand expertly moved back and forth. Most of Ivan’s mind was consumed with pleasure, but the part that wasn’t, was slightly embarrassed at the fact they were doing this in the middle of a side street, yes, but a public one nonetheless. 

       “T-Till.” Ivan managed to moan out. 

       Till took this as a good sign, he got more intense, kissing him, biting at Ivan’s lips until he knew they would be bruised the next day, moving his hand faster. He loved the feeling of giving Ivan pleasure. He loved the way Ivan squirmed under his touch, overwhelmed by the feeling. He wanted more of it. He wanted to give Ivan even more. So Till pulled away from the kiss, still moving his hand, and then sank down to his knees on the ground, starting to undo the buttons of Ivan’s jeans, as Ivan panted, and as his hips jerked forward into Till’s grip. 

       “W-wait. Till, wait.” Ivan got out through the breaths and moans. 

       Almost immediately Till stopped, dropping his hands. 

       “Something wrong?” He asked in his low voice, nuzzling his face against Ivan’s thighs. 

       “No, nothing’s wrong- I mean, yes.” Ivan took some deep breaths, placing a hand down onto Till’s head. 

       “Did I do something bad?” Till asked, sudden alarm apparent in his eyes. 

       “No! No, you didn’t do anything. It’s just, we’re in public, and we haven’t seen each other in nearly a week.”

       Till stood up very quickly, taking Ivan’s hand. “Let’s go to the motel, then.”

       Ivan nodded, “yeah, I think we should. But I also want to hear about your week before we continue.” 

       Till couldn’t help but feel annoyed by the second part. Was this another thing that Ivan was going to make him do before they had sex? 

       “Why can’t we just have sex like normal adults?” Till complained, already leading the way back to the motel, desperate to have his mouth against Ivan’s again. 

       “We could.” Ivan said, “we can talk about our weeks on the walk back to the motel. When we get there, I’m all yours.”

       Till’s eyes lit up. “Okay. So how was your week?”

       Ivan pretended not to notice how quickly Till was walking, trying to get to the motel as fast as possible. 

       “My week was okay.” Ivan said, “I worked out my hours with my boss so I have one night off every week. Classes are decent, and I tutor a lot. What about you, how was your week?” He had to summarize everything because he was starting to recognize the streets leading up to the motel. 

       “My week was the same as always.” Till said, not wanting to elaborate on that, since talking about all the other men he had sex with wasn’t exactly great foreplay. 

       “Nothing different?" Ivan asked, and Till thought he somehow knew about the party that was happening the next day. 

       “No. Nothing different." Till glanced down. 

       “You’re an awful liar, you know that, right?” Ivan didn't know what Till wasn’t telling him, but something was obviously bothering him when Ivan asked if anything was different.

       “It’s nothing. There’s a party tomorrow, and I’m expected to be there.” They were nearly at the motel now because of how fast they were walking. 

       “What do you need to do there?” Ivan asked. 

       “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

       That was enough of an answer for Ivan to understand exactly what they were going to be expecting of Till. Maybe it was even part of the reason why Till seemed so desperate for sex with Ivan. 

       “Okay.” They were at the motel, right outside room 117. “If we’re going to do this, I need to make sure. You want this for the right reasons, right? Like last time?” 

       Till could barely hold in the whine building in the back of his throat, “yes. Yes. I want you like last time.” 

       “But you understand why I’m asking this, right?”

       “No.” Till said spitefully.

       “Well then I’m going to explain it to you.” 

       Till groaned, “God, why do you have to be a good person? Can’t we just fuck?”

       Ivan smiled, pushing a strand of hair off of Till’s forehead, “I need to make sure you actually want to do this, because if you’re just doing it because you think I like you, or because you know I have money, then I would be taking advantage of you, and I would be just like everyone else you’ve ever been with.” 

       “You’re not like everyone else. You’re not. I wouldn’t want this if that was true.” 

       “Good.” Ivan bent down to grab the key from under the planter just like Till had last time and they opened the door to the motel, walking in. 

       For Till, it was like a breath of fresh air. After the door closed, he grabbed Ivan’s shirt, just like he had before, shoving Ivan against the wall and standing high on his toes to kiss Ivan on the mouth, rough and messy. Ivan was quick to reciprocate, opening his mouth, pushing his tongue into Till’s, already breathing heavily with the feeling. Till let go of Ivan’s shirt, putting his hand back down to Ivan’s jeans like he had earlier, noticing that they were still unbuttoned from before. So Till pulled Ivan’s zipper down, and slid his hand past Ivan’s jeans, but over his boxers. 

       Ivan’s response was immediate, his hips jerking into Till’s hand, and moaning loudly into Till’s mouth. Till loved it. He never got into situations like this where he was the one in control, but in that moment, Ivan was all his. He kept going, starting to feel the wetness of precum seeping through the fabric of Ivan’s boxers. 

       “You like that?” Till asked, separating their lips by no more than an inch. 

       Ivan nodded frantically, lewd moans spilling from his lips. 

       “I’m gonna make you feel the best you ever have.” Till said, lowering to his knees, like how he wanted to on the side street corner. 

       Ivan’s face was beet red, but with the waves of pleasure rippling through his body, the only thing he could do was nod again, his mouth unable to form any words. 

       Till slowly pulled Ivan’s jeans and boxers down until his full erection was in view. Till gave Ivan some gentle strokes with his hand before bringing his tongue down onto Ivan, giving him soft licks and kisses, preparing him, before putting his mouth around the head, and swallowing his entire length. 

       The sound torn from Ivan’s throat made Till want to give him as much as he possibly could. He sucked, looking up at Ivan, swirling his tongue around his cock, tasting him and pressing his lips down around the base with gentle pressure he knew drove everyone crazy. Ivan had his hands tangled in Till’s hair, trying to suppress the urge to push Till onto him further, though he knew that wasn’t even possible. His hips canted into Till’s face, he felt sweat trickling down his back. He knew he was close, so he tapped Till’s cheek. 

       “I’m-“ that’s all he managed before it was cut off by another moan, but he knew Till understood. Till didn’t stop though, he kept up his pace until Ivan’s back arched, his legs stiffened, and he whimpered before finally releasing into Till’s throat. Ivan watched, panting and breathless as Till slowly pulled away, swallowing.   

       Ivan closed his eyes, tilting his head back, cock now spent and limp. “Fuck.” He murmured. 

       “That’s… that’s good right?” Till asked, still on his knees. 

       Ivan pulled his pants and boxers back up, then got onto the floor in front of Till, and cupped his face.

       “Yes. It’s a good thing.” 

       Till wanted to make a comment about how he’s amazing at blowjobs because he did them so often, but he didn’t think Ivan would appreciate it like how the people he’s usually with do. 

       Ivan brought Till’s face closer to his and pressed his lips to Till’s forehead, about to pull him into his arms when Till moved away. He grinned at Ivan. 

       “I’m not done with you yet.” He got up, reaching a hand out, and a very flustered Ivan took it. 

       Till led Ivan to the bed, pushing his chest gently until he was laying down, staring up at Till with wide eyes full of amazement. Like Till was the best thing he’d ever seen. This made Till smile at him, pulling Ivan’s pants and boxers off. Ivan helped, and then watched with that same look as Till himself got undressed. 

       “Is this okay?” Till asked, as Ivan pulled his shirt off so they would both be fully unclothed. He was more used to being in Ivan’s position, and he wanted to make sure Ivan wasn’t feeling what he felt a lot. 

       Ivan nodded, “Yes.” He said breathlessly. 

       “Good.” Till positioned himself between Ivan’s legs that were half off of the bed, bending down to press soft kisses all over Ivan’s body, from his calves, to the back of his ears. Till could feel the way Ivan’s body shook beneath him, and he asked again, “this is good?”

       “Yeah.” Ivan’s hips were back to shifting back and forth, looking for any sort of sensation from Till. 

       “Okay, then come here.” Till climbed off of Ivan and patted where the pillows at the head of the bed were. Ivan did so immediately, positioning himself. 

       Till took Ivan by the insides of his thighs, pressing the sensitive skin, making him shiver even more as he spread his legs wide. Ivan’s dick was hard again, he looked ready for Till, so Till gave Ivan his fingers to suck on this time, and Ivan did with fervor, until Till removed them from his mouth, and pushed them against Ivan’s entrance. Ivan closed his eyes, his head back against the pillows, taking small inhales. Till slid his fingers fully in and Ivan gasped and tensed as Till started to stretch him open, one hand still on Ivan’s thigh. 

       When Till figured that Ivan was prepared enough that it wouldn’t hurt, he pulled his fingers out and used both his hands to guide Ivan’s legs wide and high enough to align his cock with Ivan’s entrance. He started with shallow thrusts, just to be sure Ivan was okay. Ivan looked far better than okay. He still had his eyes closed, but his face wasn’t screwed up, it was calm, his mouth split open, and his blush extended down to his chest. So Till went slightly harder, further. 

       Till couldn't hold back his moans at the feeling of Ivan, along with a sense of safety, and it was as if he was high. It was just like he had anticipated it feeling like. 

       Ivan was close again, so close, and Till could tell by the way his muscles were contracting around him. He didn’t stop, didn’t slow down, let Ivan ride the feeling until he cried out and came. Till soon followed, pulling out first, then collapsing on the bed right next to Ivan. For a minute or two, they both lay in silence, chests rising and falling, until Till was climbing on top of Ivan again, kissing him just like he had been before. Fast, hard, desperate. 

       He was chasing the feeling that was slowly fading away, he needed it again. Like how it felt when he wanted another hit of whatever drug it was he was using. At first, Ivan kissed Till back, just like Till wanted, his hands traveling up and down Till’s body, holding his waist and keeping him close. But after a bit, Till started to go even faster. Harder. To the point where it was hard for Ivan to take in air. 

       “Till-“ Ivan moved his head away, and Till stopped, letting him take a breath before going back in. 

       “Till, wait.” Ivan sat up, pulling Till with him, until they were facing each other, sitting upright on the bed. 

      “What’s wrong?” Till asked, moving his body forward until he could feel Ivan against him. 

       “That’s what I want to know.” Ivan said, “something’s bothering you. I can tell.” 

       “What?” Till started kissing and licking Ivan’s neck, “because I want to be with you something must be wrong?” 

       “No.” Ivan gently pushed Till off of him, “that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that there’s something off. You’re not high, are you?” 

       “I’m not high.” Till assured him, and again tried to descend upon Ivan, who stopped him.

       “Okay, good. Then what’s up? You’re not usually like this. You weren’t like this last time.” 

       Till took Ivan’s hand and pressed his fingers to his lips, “I’m not usually horny? Trust me, a lot of people would say otherwise.” 

       “No. Not that.” Ivan shifted the hand against Till’s lips until he was cupping his cheek, “you don’t look like you want it. Or maybe you do, but too much, and not in the right way.” 

       Till tried his best to keep his features from contorting with annoyance. “What does that even mean?” 

       “It- it feels like you're not acting yourself.”

       “You hardly know me.” Till pulled Ivan’s hand from his face, “how would you know if I was acting myself?” 

       “Till.” Ivan looked at him sadly, “I don’t want you to think I’m upset with you or something, because I’m not. I just want to understand. There’s something wrong, and you’re almost… using the sex to get away from it, using it as something you know you can control. Is that what’s happening right now?” 

       Till hated with all his being that Ivan somehow got it exactly right. He hated that Ivan knew him, even though he would never admit that. 

       “Do you not like having sex with me?” Till tried to deflect.

       “No. That’s not the situation at all-“

       “Then why does it matter why I’m doing it?” Till demanded, “if you like it, then who cares?”

       “Me.” Ivan took Till’s hands, “I care. Because I won’t do something with you that I know is hurting you. I won’t.” 

       “How the fuck is what I was doing hurting me?” Till didn’t pull his hands away, but did turn his head. 

       “If you’re having sex because it’s something you can control, or because it’s a way to escape, then that’s not good for you. And I refuse to be part of something that’s hurting you.”

       “You’re- you’re not.” Till was blinking away tears.

       “Good, and I’m not going to make you tell me what’s wrong, we can just lie here if that’s what you want. We can get dressed and go out. Or you could tell me what’s bothering you, it’s your choice.” Ivan tried to meet Till’s eyes, who was still looking away. 

       “Can we just lie here?” Till asked. 

       Immediately, Ivan was pulling back the covers, helping Till climb under them and then following. Till curled up, knees to his chest, facing Ivan as he situated the blanket over Till. Ivan didn’t press his body to Till’s. He just laid there facing him. 

       “Is this okay?” Ivan asked. 

       Till nodded and closed his eyes, shivering even though it wasn’t remotely cold and he was tucked in. 

       “Do you want to talk about anything else?” Ivan wanted to make sure Till felt as comfortable as possible so that if he wanted to tell him what was wrong, he wouldn’t feel scared. 

       “Can you just hold me?” Till asked in a small voice. 

       “Of course.” Ivan shifted closer to Till, wrapping his arms around him and holding his trembling body tight. 

Chapter Text

       After a while spent in peaceful silence, Till’s body calmed down and stopped shaking so hard. He took some deep breaths then looked up at Ivan. 

       “I don’t want to go to the party tomorrow.” The second those words left his lips, a huge surge of guilt washed over Till. Because even though a part of him knew what he just said was true, a much louder part said that it wasn’t, that it couldn’t be. 

       Ivan ran one of his hands through Till’s hair, “is there any way for you to get out of it?” 

       Till shook his head. 

       “Do you know exactly what’s making you not want to go?” The question felt stupid to Ivan, since this was obviously some sort of underground sex party, and the whole thing was probably going to be awful. He just thought it might be helpful to see if there was one part specifically that Till was dreading. 

       Till shrugged then looked away, “Whatever, it’s fine. I’ve done it before.” 

       “No. It’s not fine.” Ivan took Till’s chin and tilted it so he could see his face, “just because you’re used to something, doesn’t mean it’s fine.”

       “But it is fine. It’s fine. I like it. It’s fine.” Till kept his eyes downcast. 

       Ivan chose to ignore the “it’s fine” comments and focused on the other thing Till said. 

       “What do you mean you like it?” He said it softly, so as to not sound condescending. 

       “I already told you before. My body likes it. Being used up. I like it.” 

       Ivan did in fact remember when Till told him that, a week before. He said he liked it, but he also said that his body liked it, so Ivan could kind of piece together where this was going. 

       “Your body likes it?” Ivan prompted Till to elaborate on that. 

       “Yes. My body likes the way it feels.”

       “You just told me you didn’t want to go to the party. How could your body possibly like the way it feels?” Ivan could feel Till start trembling again. 

       “It just does. Okay?” 

       “What about your brain? Does your brain like the way it feels?” Ivan rubbed circles into Till’s back in an attempt to calm him down. 

       “Yes!” Till said loudly, but not quite a shout, “yes. My brain and my body like it.”

       “Do you want to tell me why you think that?” Ivan asked. 

       “I think that because it’s true. I’m not like… I don’t know. I’m not making it up. I’m not just saying that because I’m ‘used to it’ or whatever. I used to not like it, when I was younger. But I like it now.” 

       “Like what? Being used?” 

       Till nodded, “I used to not like it. I used to fight it, but now I don’t. It’s just… fine. I like it.” 

       “You like being forced to go to this party tomorrow?” 

       Till nodded again. “Yes.” 

       “You do realize how that sounds, right? You told me you don’t want to go, but now you’re telling me that you like it. You like being forced to do it, even though you very clearly don’t.” Ivan kept his gaze focused directly on Till. Wouldn’t look away, even for a second. 

       “I- I like it because my body likes it, okay?” Till repeated.

       Ivan knew exactly where this was going. He knew exactly what Till was referring to, but he wanted Till to tell him that himself. 

       “How do you know your body likes it?” 

       Till wasn’t just shaking at that point, he was crying. Ivan held him tight, to keep him feeling safe when he finally said it. 

       “B-because I get hard and I cum. Every single time. And it feels nice. My body likes it. I can’t make it stop.” He was sobbing then, crying as Ivan continued to rub circles into his tense muscles. 

       “That does not mean you like it, or that your body likes it.” Ivan said in a firm but kind voice, “our bodies just react to being touched in certain ways. That’s how they work. That’s how to know they’re healthy. It does not mean you like it. Not even a little bit.” 

       “It doesn’t matter.” Till said through his sobs, “all of those people… I’m a slut. I like it, I beg for them to let me cum.”  

       “Till. Will you look at me?” Ivan kept trying to catch his eyes, but Till seemed dead set on looking at anything but Ivan. 

       With some struggle, Till cast his eyes towards him. 

       “These things you’re saying, are things you were taught. By bad people, who lied to you. They used you, your body.”

       “I don’t- it’s, it’s all I’m good for anyways.” Till was back to not meeting Ivan’s eyes. 

       “No. Till, no. That’s not true.” 

       “Yes it is! Even right now! If we’re not having sex, then I’m a burden to you. The only thing I could offer is making you feel good. Not like you, though. You took me out for dinner, you pay me so I don’t have to be with other men all night. You’re so nice, and I don’t deserve it because you don’t even want anything in return.” Till could hardly breathe, he was gasping for air in between cries.  

       “Till.” Ivan’s voice was more harsh that time, startling Till into looking back up at him. “I do not want you to think of us having sex as a transaction. That because I’m helping you, you owe me something in return. Because you don’t. Being in your company is enough for me. We don’t have to have sex ever again, and I would still come for you every week on my off night, just to be around you. You do not owe me, or anyone else sex. Ever.” 

       Till tried to speak, but he was crying too hard. The fact that he was crying made him feel stupid, and even more of a burden, which just made him cry harder. What the fuck was going on? Till never cried unless a client specifically requested it, or he was in too much pain to hold back tears. Neither of those things were happening. He was just with Ivan, being held, feeling safe. Why would he cry if he felt safe? It didn’t make sense to him. 

       “Hey, hey.” Ivan just held him close, allowing Till’s head to rest on his chest, hoping the feeling of his slow, steady heartbeat might help. “It’s okay, you’re okay. I promise. You can cry.” 

       Unable to hold in the tears, snot and sobs, Till just continued crying in Ivan’s arms until, at least ten minutes later, he calmed down enough to talk. 

       “I just-” He took an inhale like a gasp for fresh air, “I don’t want to go.”

       Ivan wasn’t exactly sure what Till was referring to. 

       “To the party?” He asked. 

       “Anywhere.” Till’s lip trembled, “I don’t want to go to the party, or back to Urak, I want to stay with you, but at the same time I don’t want to leave him. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

       “Till. This is good. The fact that you don’t want to go back to him is good. If you wanted, right now, we could go to the police and get him arrested.” Ivan pushed hair off of Till’s sweaty forehead. 

       “No!” Till pushed himself away from Ivan, “no! I don’t want to go to the cops. I told you I hate cops! I can’t leave. I can’t, I can’t.”

       “It may feel like you can’t-“

       Till was still sobbing but he was angry, then. “No! It doesn’t just feel like I can’t. I fucking know I can’t. Cops don’t listen. They never listen. Do you know how many cops I’ve spoken to that Urak paid off with me? With letting them fuck me? I can’t even count.”

       “And that’s absolutely awful. I am so sorry that ever happened to you, but this mindset you have… that you have to stay-“

       Till turned his body away from Ivan. 

       “No. I’m not listening to your patronizing bullshit.”

       “It’s not bullshit!” Ivan was close to shouting, “it’s not bullshit because I fucking did it! I left when I was sixteen!”

       “You were in a different situation. No one even wanted you to stay.” The second he said the words, Till he knew he went too far. He remembered in high school how Ivan used to cry because he felt like no one ever wanted him. He remembered how he used to try and comfort him by telling him that he wanted him. But then Ivan graduated, and Till had his phone taken away, so Ivan probably thought that Till didn’t want him either. 

       The silence from Ivan spoke volumes. Till knew he really hurt him, but he felt hurt too. He wanted Ivan to understand, but because Ivan had never gone through the same thing, he just couldn’t. 

       “I’m sorry.” Till finally said when the guilt became too much, turning back to face Ivan who must’ve turned around too. “I’m really sorry. I want you. You know that, right?”

       Ivan’s back was shaking slightly, and Till knew he made Ivan cry. He felt awful. He had just hurt the one person who ever showed him any kindness. 

       When Ivan didn’t answer, Till felt even worse. He didn't know what to do to make Ivan feel better. So he did what always worked with everyone else. He wiped away his tears, took some deep breaths, and started tracing gentle fingers up and down Ivan’s back. 

       “I can make you feel better.” He said in his low voice, “I can make you cum again.” 

       That startled Ivan out of his silence. He sat up straight, then looked down at Till. 

       “No!” Ivan gripped his own hair, “No, Till! You can’t fucking use sex to get out of this! That’s not how this works!” 

       “But I said sorry and you didn’t answer.” Till’s own anger was growing. 

       “If I didn’t answer, maybe that was your sign to leave me alone!” 

       “How was I supposed to know to leave you alone?” Till demanded, “we’re naked in the same bed.” 

       The sheer immaturity of that comment took Ivan aback. In high school, Till was always the emotionally intelligent one. He was the one who taught Ivan about emotional regulation and maturity, since Ivan hadn’t been very good with either of those things. How did this change so drastically? 

       “My point,” Ivan said carefully, to refrain from absolutely losing it, “is that you’re stuck in your own damn head. If you just fucking listened to me, maybe you’d think of it differently.” 

       “I did listen.” Till said stubbornly. 

       Ivan shut his eyes in frustration. 

       “No. You didn’t. You didn’t fucking listen because if you did you would realize that even though our situations are different, I know what the fuck I’m talking about.” 

       Till got up angrily, and started pulling his clothing back on.

       “What?” Ivan stood up, getting dressed as well, “so I made a good point and now you’re leaving?” 

       “No! You’re saying I’m not listening to you, but you’re not listening to me.” Till stopped midway through putting his shirt on, “I tried to leave. Did you forget about me telling you that? I got my phone taken away, and threats from Urak. He hurt me, but not too badly, of course, because I was making him money. I went to the cops when I was younger, and you know what they did? Jack fucking shit.” 

       “I understand that! You think I haven’t met some bad cops? In this area, most of them fucking suck! But I’m not saying that we’d go to them. I’m saying that we’d go to someone else, that I’d support you the entire way through. Do you know what I had when I left? Nothing. I didn’t have a single person to help me, and I still did it. Why can’t you just get your head on straight and realize I’m getting upset right now for you.” 

       “Did I ever ask you for help?” Till finished getting dressed, and glared Ivan down, “did I ask you to get me out? No. I didn’t.” 

       Ivan was trying to control his anger, but Till was making it very difficult. 

       “You just fucking told me you wanted to leave!” Ivan’s eyes were wide with disbelief at how Till could possibly not understand. 

       “You know what? Yeah! I fucking want to leave! I’ve wanted to leave since I was twelve. And then you came along, and you made everything worse. Okay? You made everything so much worse.” Till’s voice cracked and his eyes welled with tears again. Like he was going to cry because of how upset he was with Ivan. 

       “How did I make everything worse?” Ivan demanded.

       “I was fine with my life. Did I love it? No, but I didn’t spend every waking moment thinking about leaving. Then I met you, and you had just left this godforsaken place, and all I could think about was doing the same. The same thing is happening now. It’s fucking agonizing to sit every day and think about leaving. Because I know I can’t.” 

       “Explain something to me.” Ivan said, now fully dressed, “why ‘can’t’ you leave?”

       “Are you fucking stupid?” Till wanted to punch Ivan’s stupid face, “I told you that Urak would find some other kid. I have a responsibility to make sure that doesn’t happen.” 

       “That’s why I said we go to the cops!”

       Till had to hold in a scream, “I hate cops.” 

       “I’ll go to them! By myself! You don’t have to be involved. Till, I am willing to do fucking anything to get you out of this. Do you understand that? I would give up my job so you can have it instead, I’d give you my scholarship if I could.”

       Till’s eyes were spilling tears again, “I never fucking asked for that!” 

       “No, you didn’t,” Ivan agreed angrily, “but you told me you don’t like this life. Why are you so resistant when every problem you’re trying to create can be fixed? I can make sure you get a job, I can find us a place to live, I’ll make sure Urak spends the rest of his life in prison.” 

       The most aggravating part of what Ivan was saying was that he was completely right. Till had no argument. So he was crying even harder with no argument whatsoever. He still didn’t want to leave. He still didn’t want to change the way he lived, because change was scary, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it. Till knew that if he was living the life Ivan described, that he’d lose it. But he didn’t want to explain that to Ivan, since that made him weak and stupid. 

       “You’re right.” Till gasped out in between sobs, “you’re right, and I still can’t.”

       Ivan’s angry features immediately softened. 

       “Till.” He walked over to him, pulling him into a hug and letting Till rest his head on his shoulder, “that’s good, this is good.”

       “How is this good?” Till asked miserably, his voice muffled in Ivan’s shirt. 

       “Because you understand where I’m coming from.” 

       “I’m sorry.” Till wrapped his arms around Ivan, “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

       Ivan didn’t answer, just held him until his sobs subsided. 

       “Are you tired?” Ivan asked when Till had stopped. 

       Till shook his head. “I don’t want to go to sleep.” 

       Ivan nodded, understanding, slowly letting go of Till, “Yeah. I get that. Want to watch a movie? Or we can go for a walk. There might still be some places open we can go to.” 

       “I don’t want to go out.” Till said quietly, refusing to pull out of the hug. 

       Ivan gently pushed Till’s arms off of him, even though he loved the feeling of Till’s body against his. 

       “So a movie then. What do you like to watch?” 

       Ivan climbed onto the bed and pulled out his phone. 

       “I don’t know.” Till quickly followed, pulling off his uncomfortable shirt since they were getting back into bed anyways. He hadn’t seen any television except for what Urak watched in a while. Sometimes when Urak was out, Till would watch whatever was on, but he usually preferred to sleep when he was allowed, since he was practically nocturnal. 

       “Well, we can go through my phone and see what I have. If something sounds good, we’ll watch that. Yeah?” 

       Till agreed, cuddling up to Ivan, and they ended up settling on a superhero movie that had just come out. About ten minutes into the movie, Ivan noticed how Till was fidgeting and biting his nails, and half an hour in, he was squirming uncontrollably. 

       Ivan paused the movie. 

       “Is the movie boring? Should we change it?” 

       Till shrugged, “No it’s fine.” 

       “Well, you don’t seem like you’re enjoying it. We can do something else. We don’t need to watch.” Ivan suggested. 

       “No, if you like it, then we can watch it.” 

       Ivan turned his phone off and put it in his pocket, “Eh, it wasn’t that good anyways.”

       It was dark in the room without Ivan’s phone screen, and Ivan wrapped his arms around Till.

       “We can just talk about anything, or we can lie here.” 

       Till wasn’t really used to talking about things unrelated to sex. He never really spoke casually to Urak, and if he was being paid by someone while he was hooking, obviously the topic of conversation was always sex-related. He knew small talk, but that was about it. 

       “Can we lie here?” 

       “Of course.” Ivan closed his eyes, though he didn’t want to fall asleep. He was lucky that last time he had slept with Till he had no nightmares that woke both of them up. This time, he was worried that he’d wake up screaming. 

Chapter Text

       They lay there for a while. Ivan lost track of the time, until he started feeling sweaty and gross. He remembered the motel room had a shower and slowly got up. 

       “I’m going to take a shower.”

       Till nodded in the dark, but Ivan didn’t see. 

       “Do you want to have a shower? You can join me, or you can have one after.” Ivan said. 

       Till hesitated. He didn’t particularly like shower sex, but if that’s what Ivan wanted…

       “Okay. I’ll join you.” He got up and went to the too-bright bathroom where Ivan was trying to figure out the way the shower worked. Till, who was familiar with the shower, helped. Once the water was running warm, they both stripped, Till trying to make it as suggestive as possible for Ivan. Ivan didn’t seem to notice, though.  

       Ivan got in the shower first and Till followed right after. The shower was a bit cramped, but not too much. Till definitely remembered having sex in much tighter places. There was enough space for Ivan to maneuver his arms and wash his own hair and body, and as he did, Till watched with rapt interest. He had never been in the shower with someone who was actually cleaning themselves. Usually the person might ask Till to shampoo their hair, or do it for Till, but never was it with the intention of actually getting clean.

       Eventually, Till got tired of waiting for Ivan to make a move. He grabbed Ivan’s hands and looked him in the eyes. 

       “If we’re going to have sex can we just do it now?”

       Ivan was taken aback, though in hindsight he knew he shouldn’t have been. He hadn’t gotten into the shower with Till with the intention of having sex. He just wanted to get clean, and offered Till to join. 

       “We’re not going to have sex.” Ivan said, “We're just taking a shower.” 

       Till looked confused, “But people don’t just have showers together.”

       Ivan gripped Till’s hands tight, “Yes they do. It’s nice sometimes, just to shower together. Nothing to do with sex.”

       “Oh.” Till looked vaguely embarrassed.

       Ivan somehow felt the need to apologize. 

       “I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.” 

       “No, it’s good. I don’t like shower sex anyways.” 

       “Wait.” Ivan still held Till’s hands, “if you didn’t want to have sex, and you thought that’s what I was asking for, why did you say yes?” 

       Till shrugged, “Just because I don’t like it doesn’t mean you don’t.” 

       Ivan shut off the water, helped Till out and wrapped him in one of the towels provided by the motel. 

       “You know that’s not how this works, right?” 

       Till, shivering, stared at Ivan. 

       “I thought you wanted… I’m good at it. I’m really good.” 

       Ivan, now with a towel wrapped around his waist, led Till back to the bed, helping him climb under the covers. 

       “I’m sure you are.” Ivan said, “but if you don’t want to, then I don’t want to either.” 

       “Okay.” Till said simply, settling into the pillows. 

       “So you understand, next time you think I’m asking for sex and you don’t want it, you need to say no, right?” Ivan lay down next to him. 

       “But I’m really good at it.” Till said, “it’s the only thing I’m good at.” 

       “First of all, that’s not true. You are good at plenty of other things. Secondly, if you don’t want it, you have to say it. Okay? With me, you have to. I know with Urak and those other people it’s different, and we’re going to get you through that, but with me, no is no. And that’s it.” 

       “But…” Till’s voice trailed off, “okay.” 

       “You ready to go to sleep now?” Ivan asked, cuddling close to Till. 

       Till nodded, “yeah, I just have to be back home before 8:00.”

       It killed Ivan just a little bit to hear Till call wherever he lived with Urak “home”, but he didn’t say anything about it. He knew it would bother Till. He just let Till fall asleep, which he seemed to do pretty quickly. Ivan could feel Till’s steady breathing, the way his body was pressed into his own. It felt nice. Almost like if he fell asleep too, he wouldn’t be plagued by the usual night terrors. 

       Ivan was worried about waking Till up and freaking him out, but his exhaustion soon won out, and Ivan fell asleep, face resting on the top of Till’s head. 

       “Dad? Dad, it’s just-“ Ivan could hardly get the words out before his father pressed his arm to Ivan’s chest, slamming him against the wall. 

       “What the fuck did I say about stealing from me?” His father seethed. 

       “I promise- I-“ Ivan gasped for air through the panic, “I didn’t steal it.”

       “Yeah?” His father lifted the crumpled twenty dollar bills to wave in his face, “then where did you get this shit?” 

       “The grocery store.” Ivan said desperately, “I swear, I work there.” 

       “I would know if you were working somewhere. Your lazy ass can’t even get out of bed in the morning.” 

       Tears pricked Ivan’s eyes, “no I promise, I worked for it.” 

       His father raised a hand, launching it into Ivan’s gut, his other arm still pinning Ivan to the wall, so Ivan couldn’t even double over. 

       Ivan’s mouth opened and closed a few times, no sound leaving his throat as he tried to take air into his lungs. 

       “Maybe if you weren’t such a fucking retard, I’d actually believe you.” His father spat, dropping Ivan so he fell in a heap on the ground. His father stormed out of the apartment, as if he had somewhere else to be.  

       Even after he had caught his breath, Ivan didn’t move out of the fetal position he found himself in. He just stayed on the ground, sobbing into his knees. That was $140 towards leaving. That was three days worth of working until 9:00 after school was out. It was supposed to be deposited straight into his savings account, not taken by his father to blow on overpriced whiskey they couldn’t afford. 

       Even when his mother got home from whatever she did during the day, she looked down at her crying son for maybe two seconds before stepping over him and heading to the couch to pass out. 

       “Mom?” Ivan called to his mother, who he knew wouldn’t answer, “mom?” 

       She was out cold, and he knew it. Nothing would wake her up. But he refused to uncurl his body. 

       “Mom?” He asked again, wondering if she’d run into his father.

        “Did you see dad? Mom?”

        “Ivan.” Till gently shook his shoulder, “Ivan, wake up.”

       Ivan lay crying, curled into himself, calling for his mother. 

       Till hadn’t heard it at first, but he did feel the way Ivan’s body stopped holding onto him. He felt the way Ivan started trembling. And then, when he was fully awake, Till saw the way tears stained Ivan’s cheeks as he cried for his mother. So he sat up, and held onto Ivan tightly.

       “Ivan.” Till’s voice got louder, more urgent when Ivan didn't stop. “Wake up.” He shook Ivan harder, repeating his name until Ivan started to stir, his eyes slowly opening, his gaze glassy and unsure. 

       “Hey.” Till stroked the fresh tears off of Ivan’s cheeks, “are you okay?” 

       It took Ivan a few moments to understand where he was and who he was with. The second he realized he was with Till his entire body relaxed visibly. Ivan had hair plastered to his forehead with sweat that Till brushed back, out of his eyes. Ivan just lay there, looking up at Till, drinking up the sight of him like he’d never see him again. 

       “Ivan?” Till asked again, “are you okay?” 

       Ivan rubbed his cheeks with the back of his hands, then lifted them to hold Till’s face. A soft smile played on his lips. 

       “Yeah.” 

       “Okay, good.” Till leaned down, pressing a kiss to Ivan’s slightly parted lips, then allowed himself to lie back down next to him, keeping their bodies close, “do you have nightmares a lot?” 

       “Yeah.” Ivan said in a voice hardly above a whisper. 

       “Well, if you want, I’ll wake you up every time. Or I can just hold you in your sleep.” 

       “Thanks.” He closed his eyes again, still incredibly tired, “but I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.” 

       “If you ever need me up in the middle of the night for you, just wake me, okay? I won’t mind.” Till traced his finger up and down Ivan’s arm. 

       “Thank you.” Ivan said again, feeling comfortably blanketed in Till’s warmth. 

       “Of course.” Till whispered back, his eyelids drooping with heaviness. 

       Ivan had this overwhelming feeling in his chest, a gentle heat that he hadn’t felt since high school. It was a feeling of knowing he somehow wasn’t alone, because he had Till. Even in school, when they had just been friends, and Ivan was too embarrassed to imply he wanted more, he still had that feeling in his chest. The feeling only Till could put there. 

       Till woke up first, dread seeping from his mind into his body, making him feel heavy and tired even though he got more sleep than he usually did. He knew the party was that night. He knew he’d end up there, one way or another. He wished he could just tell Ivan yes and leave Urak, the idea of it was so nice in theory. But that was just it. In theory. He knew he could never actually make it work in practice. He knew the only thing that gave him any bit of worth was the sheer amount of money his body was able to make. He knew that the only thing he was good for was sex. So how could he leave, when the one thing that he knew would be taken away?

       When Ivan woke up, his first thought was how embarrassing his nightmare was. He woke up Till because he was crying, and just the vague, sleep-clouded memory made his face feel hot with shame. 

       “‘Morning.” Till smiled, climbing out of bed and getting dressed. Ivan followed his movements with his eyes for a few moments before registering what Till getting dressed meant. 

       “You’re going back.” Ivan didn’t word it as a question. 

       Till nodded a little bit, “I just-“ he heaved a sigh, “I can’t explain it. I can’t explain why.” 

       Ivan thought of the woman his father brought home one day, the one who spoke like she was programmed because of such severe trauma. He thought about how she never left. She was in her late twenties when Ivan met her as a kid, and she was still stuck, looking for men like his father. 

       To Ivan’s knowledge, she didn’t have anyone like Urak making her do it. She was just doing it because she didn’t know what else to do. Ivan really hoped Till wouldn’t fall into that same hole. He hoped that Till would come to his senses because he had someone like Ivan, unlike that woman, who had no one, and was probably still out on the streets hooking to that day. 

       Ivan just sighed, knowing there’s nothing he could say that’ll change Till’s mind.

       “Are you going to be okay? At the party?” 

       Till nodded, “I’ve been to a bunch, so this is nothing new. I’ll be okay.” He smirked a little, “I’ll be the best entertainment.” 

       Ivan got out of bed and placed his hands on Till’s arms, “please don’t say that.” 

       “What? It’s true.” 

       “I don’t care. Don’t talk about yourself like they do. Okay?”

       Till shrugged, “Okay.” 

       “Will you… call me when the party is over? I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until I know you’re okay.” 

       “It won’t be over until at least four in the morning, plus I don’t have a phone.” 

       “Here.” Till grabbed a pen and the notepad stamped with the motel’s logo that was resting on top of the mini fridge. He wrote his number down and handed it to Till. 

       “Don’t lose this. Find someone with a phone after the party, borrow it. Let me know you’re okay. I’ll probably be up all night waiting.” 

       Till took the paper and tucked it into his pocket, nodding, then said, “Don’t stay up all night. I’ll be fine.” 

       “Just call me. I’d like to hear you tell me you’re fine after the party.” 

       “Alright.” Till shrugged again, “I’ll be sure to call you, but you really don’t need to stay up.” 

       “Good.” Ivan started getting dressed, and when they were both fully clothed and the motel room was neat, they left, closing the door and taking care to lock it behind them this time. 

       Right before they had to split up to go in different directions, Ivan took Till’s hand. 

       “You can tell me right now that you want to leave and we’ll do it. I’ll bring you home with me right now.” 

       Till leaned forwards on his tip-toes, kissing Ivan softly, “I know.” He let go of his hand. 

       “I’ll call you, okay?” Till waved as he walked away. 

       Ivan nodded, tears beading in his eyes. He just knew this was a stupid idea. He missed Till already and he was only a few steps away. 

       The moment Till arrived back at the apartment, Urak was shouting orders at him. He needed to shower and clean any makeup that might still be on his face from the night before. Once Till was out of the shower, face clear and clean, Urak inspected every inch of his body, making sure that it was good enough for the party. Apparently it had been requested that Till look as young as possible, so the clothing Urak set out for Till to be wearing that night was a t-shirt from when he was still in grade school with a popular cartoon character on the front. For bottoms, he’d be wearing denim shorts that were too small, but showed off his legs just enough.  

       Once Urak was satisfied with the way Till looked, he told him to get some sleep, which was an incredibly rare thing for Urak to suggest. 

       “You cannot be tired tonight.” Was the explanation he offered in an angry tone, as if Till had already told him he’d been planning on falling asleep at the party. 

       Till wasn’t allowed to wear his party clothes yet, so he got into a ratty old t-shirt and shorts to go to sleep in. Before he went to sleep though, he headed to the kitchen area to grab something small to eat. Urak put a stop to that very quickly. 

       “You’re not eating before the party.”

       Till’s stomach growled at the thought of not being allowed to eat for the entire day. He did it often enough, but he hadn’t eaten much the day prior either. 

       “Why?” He asked, even though he knew the answer. He just liked to annoy Urak. 

       “I don’t need you throwing up tonight.” He glared at Till, “And you get bloated.”  

       Till wanted to explain that even if he didn’t eat, he could still throw up the food from the day before, but he knew it was pointless. He only vaguely remembered throwing up at the last party, since he hardly remembered that party at all. Only that it was awful and painful and he hated it. The memory made him angry, and he wanted to grab some bread to eat just to spite Urak, but he didn’t. He knew doing that would be stupid, so he just headed to the couch that he slept on, unfolding it into a bed. The mattress was gross, stained with things Till didn’t even want to think about, but it was the only place he had to sleep, so he pulled his blanket over himself, and curled up as small as he could before falling back asleep.