Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

my childhood (it does not matter now)

i don’t like winter because it is too cold
the snow is so white it hurts my eyes and i think the snowman in
my yard looks creepy why does he have rocks as eyes
honestly winter clothes make me look fat
i never understood why people liked this season
christmas is for happy families and just an excuse
to eat pudding while getting presents for relatives you hate (probably)
and pretending that santa was the one who left them
under a pine tree with a glowing star you got from the dollar store
i’ve never done that and i don’t want to
i’d rather have easter instead

i don’t like spring because it is too colourful
why do the flowers all bloom at the same time
the pollen makes me sneeze and my
skin itches from all the fur and grass and bees in the air
i never understood why people liked this season
easter is for children and just an excuse
to run around in the fields while blowing dandelions and
hunting for chocolate eggs that were hidden in plain sight
yet the adults still congratulate their kids as they proudly hold up
their treasure like they’ve achieved some incredible feat
i’ve never done that and i don’t want to
i’d rather have summer break instead

i don’t like summer because it is too humid
the beach is no longer fun and the sand burns my feet
my sunscreen is sticky and i have to tie up my hair
or it would get all limp from my sweat
i never understood why people liked this season
independence day is for patriotic bastards and just an excuse
to go to a barbeque and eat until you’re stuffed
while watching some marching band walk by your neighbourhood
there’s bound to be some kid dressed up as captain america
because he thinks july fourth is steve’s birthday in the comics (is it?)
i’ve never done that and i don’t want to
i’d rather have halloween instead

i don’t like fall because it is too foggy
orange is a horrible colour in my opinion and i can barely see
the road in front of me so i tend to step on some
overripe fruit that fell from the tree and my shoes would be ruined
i never understood why people liked this season
halloween is for weird nerds and just an excuse
to dress up as edgy characters that are really not that scary and
knock on random doors even though mother said
not to eat strangers’ candies lest they drug and kidnap you
well maybe this is an exception and you can finally gorge on sweets
i’ve never done that and i don’t want to
i’d rather have christmas instead

Chapter Text

cross the bridge of fate

i’m scared of dying in my sleep
alone and in the depths of my dreams when darkness
creeps in and steals the breath out of my lungs
remove my soul from my veins and leave nothing but
flesh and blood for those who care (does anyone care?)

i’d rather be in a battlefield when death comes
a hero who fought for their country and died protecting
their friends and what they believed was right
but battlefields scare me because they are littered with bodies
whose faces are unrecognisable but also familiar
maybe somewhere else would be better

i’d rather be in space when death comes
floating mindlessly through nothingness and far away
from the complications of traditions
but space scares me because the silence is oppressing
not even white noise can be heard and insanity prevails
maybe somewhere else would be better

i’d rather be by the sea when death comes
where the sun is the brightest and the sea embraces everything
waves lapping at my feet and pulling me away
but the sea scares me because everyone is there
what if someone sees me and tries to bring me back to shore
maybe somewhere else would be better

Chapter Text

because mothers never really learnt to love themselves

you turned 15 a month and 13 days ago, you look at the mirror every time you leave the
house. "you are too tall for your age. boys don't like tall girls" your mother does not look up
from her phone. before school she rips the glasses off your face. "there, you look better"
what she means is you look less like yourself, less like her. she tells relatives you gained
weight over the holidays during chinese new year.

and in 30 years you will sit at a table watching your daughter
who turned 15 a month and 13 days ago. you will tell her she grew taller and that
boys don't like tall girls. and your throat will burn like it did the first time you tasted
white wine, when the bitter fuzzy aftertaste of your failures linger. you will not
look up from your phone, though. you tell her she looks better without glasses, but
what you really mean is she looks less like you. you've stopped looking in the mirror now, but
you see yourself every time you look at her.

Chapter Text

you are my biggest regret (no, you need not run)

he remembers
and he wishes he doesn’t

he remembers how he used to
trace the edges of his tattoos so tenderly
like they were scripture
how he used to kiss between the lines
of ink and say that
he was built from ash and art
how he used to run those nimble fingers
through his hair and let
the strands fall through like a waterfall
how they used to call each other ridiculous nicknames and
smile like they had the world

now he cannot stand the people near him so he
breaks the mirrors instead of looking in them because when he does
he thinks there is something terrible on his face
for his eyes shone too bright, as if the soul itself was burning
for his mouth still formed the syllables of his name: full of everything they’ve lost and can’t have
for his ears still listen out for footsteps that aren’t there, not anymore
for his heart was twisted into something unfamiliar: close to heartbreak
and desperation but also not quite yet; grief would be more
precise, encompassing the barrage of feelings into
too simple a word

but that is just how it is sometimes
no matter how hard we try or how much we want it
some stories just aren’t destined to have a happy ending

he is the evidence of a love that burned too bright
of two people who fell for each other too hard
and decided they could survive better without it

Chapter Text

glass prism

when people ask me what my favourite colour is
i don’t know how to respond

red is too loud
it reminds me of warning signs and scraped knees
and the lipstick my aunt wore that left stains on teacups
like she wanted to mark everything as hers

blue is too cold
it makes me think of hospital walls and math exams
and the ocean that looks calm until it isn’t
dragging people under while pretending to be peaceful

green is too smug
it acts like it owns nature just because it’s on leaves
and frogs and traffic lights that tell you to move on
when you don’t even want to go anywhere

yellow is too bright
it blinds me like someone trying too hard to be happy
and reminds me of sticky fingers from melting ice cream
and smiley faces drawn on notes that mean nothing

black is too honest
it doesn’t try to hide like the others do
it swallows everything and still asks if you want more
and maybe that’s why people wear it when they’re sad

white is too empty
it looks like a beginning but feels like an ending
and no matter how much you fill it up it still feels hollow
like snow that melts before you can even make something of it

but i smile anyway and say gray
because grey is neutral and everyone overlooks it
they wouldn't expect my answer so they’d back away
or if they don’t i’d ask them if they spelt it the american or british way
and then ask if they knew the book called the picture of dorian gray